Ruby Speaking (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

♪ On the streets, all the taxis
Are showin' me love

♪ Cos I shinin' like a princess
In the middle of thugs

♪ And at the clubs
The bouncers rec-recognise my face

♪ So while you waitin' in the line
We just enter the place

♪ Let's get this party started right

♪ Let's get drunk and freaky fly

♪ You with me, so it's all right

♪ We gonna stay up the whole night

♪ Let's get this party started right

♪ Let's get drunk and freaky fly. ♪

Speaker. I'll be having that.
Thank you, next.



♪ Throwin' back a couple bottles
And-and the tab... ♪

♪ I said, ugh, bonjour, motherf

♪ I see you staring at me
Liking it like a sucker

♪ I said hola, senorita

♪ Baby, want get some butt
He loving it like bonita, yeah

♪ This is my film
You're an extra

♪ This is my... ♪

SONG CONTINUES QUIETLY

♪ Best catch this and then kiss it
No holiday we just visit... ♪

SONG CONTINUES QUIETLY

You're not listening to me.

This is a temporary pass,
it ain't valid any more!

OK, so?

You have to have your picture taken.
Morning, my loves.



Seriously!

Well, then I need to know
two things - who owns the copyright,

and what happens to my image
after I leave?

It goes in the bin cos no-one cares.

I'll get back to you.
HE SCOFFS

Why'd you have to make everything
so fractious?

Morning, Craig. Bad day already?

Next level, boss man. Telling you.

Hi, bitch.
Hey. How mad is this?

Oh, work, yeah, I know,
every single day, it's so...

No, I mean us arriving together,
anyway, after last night.

Oh! Oh, so fun, yeah.

I could have stayed over after all.
No, you couldn't.

SHE LAUGHS

You're serious. Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Mark, that makes me sound
like a complete bitch, doesn't it?

It's just not really
my whole vibe, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally,
totally, yeah, yeah. Me neither.

Oh, good, good. Erm...

Well, I'm gonna go and whip
some new recruits into shape. Fun.

It's really not, Mark...
at all, but, laters, bitch.

See you later.

Bitch!

Oh, no, no, no, Mark!

No, I didn't mean it
like "bitch" bitch, it wasn't a...

Listen, Mark, you have to stop
normalising misogyny.

HE EXHALES

No problem. So, sir, of course,
yeah, you can cancel any time. Ah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing.
What's your favourite film?

Mine too!

Yeah, small world.
No, actually, I'm a student, so...

It's absolutely nothing
to worry about.

"Don't be afraid of the dark,
just shine brighter"?

Why has Vicki put another
affirmation Post-it on my desk?

Ask her yourself.

Ruby's done it, haven't you, babes?

I've done a lot of stuff.
You're gonna have to narrow it down.

You've had your picture taken
for work.

Oh, yeah. That.
I haven't seen it, though.

That's because we use them for
Hellocom Hero Of The Week, babes,

so not likely. No offence.

Taken.
I don't like being photographed.

We've all got our weird little
indiocrincities, babes.

I don't like employers not doing
as they're told. Just not keen.

So get it done. Good girl.

SHE SIGHS

Not so fast, Rubes.
You're gonna wanna hear this.

Can I just put you on hold
for a minute? Big news.

Yours truly has been asked
to give a talk.

Is it a TED talk?
Not yet, Rubes.

I have been asked to speak
about wellness in the workplace

at the grand finale
of ChoirFest South West.

Boom!
ASOS vouchers.

Do you know what I says to them
when they asked me?

Was Karen Brady busy?

I says "No. No, babes.

"Not unless the Hellocom choir
get to enter the competition, too."

Sorry, what?
I got you in.

One month from now,

the Hellocom choir will be
performing at ChoirFest South West.

Can you believe it?
I cannot believe it.

You're very welcome, babes.

Do you see what I've done there, Rubes,

is light a little fire under you,
OK? Right. Appreciated.

I'm just gonna log on now,
so you can just...

Ruby, that means you're late again.

I'm going through
some relationship stuff,

and I've just split up with...

I thought you were single and ready
to mingle? How do you know that?

HR monitor your Instagram.

Look at her face.
Perfectly normal, babes.

I don't think it is.
Right, listen up,

er, get me 20 more sales,

and there'll be Dunkin' Donuts
by teatime.

Yes!
Whoo!

Hello, Hellocom,
keeping you connected.

Tom speaking, how can I help?

Good morning, Hellocom.
Keeping you connected.

Ruby speaking. How can I help you?

So you were saying
the reality package?

♪ I'mma take a walk of pride
I'mma take a walk of pride

♪ I got sunshine in my stride
I got sunshine in my stride. ♪

Oi, oi! Big night, Mr Lover Lover!

We saw you two arriving
this morning.

Just a coincidence. It was.
Ask her if you want.

All right.
No, no, please don't. Ha-ha-ha!

So, er, are you two, like,
a thing, then, or what,

cos we're all dying to know,
aren't we?

I'm not that bothered.

No, not really.

If you were in a relationship,
you'd have to inform HR

or face disciplinary action

for abusing
your management position, right?

Legally speaking.
How do you know that?

Well, I'm training to be a lawyer,
so... Here he goes.

Right.

I guess you'll just have
to split up, then, or something.

Can you get back to work, please?

Stop gossiping
about my personal life.

Tom speaking, how can I help?
Caller waiting.

Good morning, Hellocom,
Ruby speaking. How can I help you?

Yeah, I'd like to speak
to your supervisor, please.

OK,
can I just get your account number?

Look, love, I want
the organ grinder, not the monkey.

Now get me a supervisor.
Well, I...

Supervisor, supervisor, supervisor!

I'm transferring you now!

Er, Mark? Anyone seen Mark?
Dunno.

Hiya, sir.

My name's Bernadette,
and I'm Ruby's supervisor.

How can I help you now, my love?

At last, someone with a brain cell.

Cheeky. It's enough to make
a senior team leader blush.

What can I do for you, my darling?

Well, Bernadette,
if I might call you Bernadette...

You can call me
whatever you like, my love,

as long as we get you
up and running.

I can't seem to access
the history channels.

Oh, well, maybe you haven't bought
the history package,

you massive bell end!

Why don't you give me
your account number,

and I'll get this upgraded sorted
for you in no time, all right?

You're a lifesaver, Bernadette.

Well, it makes my day lovelier
to know

I've helped a gentleman in distress.

HANGS UP

Oh, my God, I've made a sale.
Where is it?

GASPS

Oh!

What?
Well done!

HOOTS HORN
I made a sale!

Argh!

That's too brilliant.

Oh, you have got to hear this.

Well, who's on the...?

Who are you talking to?

What's that?
Chat Bot. Keep up.

This one's called Susan.

She's ever so funny.

Susan, say hello to Marko.

Hey, Marko, it's good to see you.

You're looking very well.

Thanks...
Susan.

...Susan. So are you.

I appreciate
this exchange of compliments.

All right, you two, get a room.

Head Office want us
to run a bit of a trial,

divert a few callers to the Susan,
just see how the customers get on.

Really? We've already got Hellocom
text, and people aren't keen.

Well, that was pre the Susans.

Well, nobody told me about it.

Yeah, they did, just now,
cos this is me telling you, OK?

Trial starts Monday.

All right.

Oh!

Didn't you want something?

Er, yes, yes, it was just a...
just a quick one around, um...

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

...inter-staff relationships.

Mm-hm. Platonic or sexual?

Sexual?

Well, truth be told,
there's a bundle of rules and regs

about who can touch what, when
and how,

but, babes, my view is this -

if you're farming bunnies in a cage,

some of them bunnies are gonna start
shagging. See what I'm saying?

Er, sort of
turn-a-blind-eye policy, then?

Yeah.

Unless one bunny is deemed
to be in a position of authority,

in which case inform HR immediately.

That, too. Anyone I know?

No.
Rohan and Angela with the shit hair?

No.
Steven and Diego?

No.
Not Donna and Nightwatch Graham?

No! It's just a hypothetical, really.

Pavel and One-Jumper Debbie?

I'm not telling you who it is!

Yeah, yep, same to you, darling.
OK, take care now.

Me and Bernadette
zooming up the white board.

Ruby, how have you done that?
She's pretending to be that...

The best sales person in the
business, and it's working for me.

You're putting on funny voices
again, aren't you?

Yes, yes, I am.

Why can't you just try the
same technique in your own voice?

I've tried, honest, I have,

but I can't be as, like,
shallow and mercenary as, say, Tom,

and still be my authentic self.

Shallow and mercenary are totally
out of your league, son.

Well, look who just got herself some
collagen and gold eye bag patches.

Who?

You did. But I'll give them to you after...

Choir practice.
Now she's got it.

Melons.
Mm-hm?

Have you ever done any singing?

Yeah.

Oh, my Mum makes me sing Bananarama
when I'm walking home on my own.

Ah!

That's nice, so you sort of feel
happy and confident.

Oh, no, so that my vocal chords
are warmed up

in case I'm attacked
by a man in the street

and I need to scream
to draw attention to myself

before he drags me into a bush

and brutally murders me
with his bare hands.

Hello, Hellocom, er, Tom speaking.

Beautiful, Melons. Right, you're in.

In fact, everyone on this desk,
come with me. Choir.

Hold on, I've got that Mr Beamish
on the line again,

and he only wants to talk
to Bernadette.

Huh-huh, aargh!

Oh!

Bore da, Hellocom,
Bernadette speaking.

How can I help you this time,
Mr Beamish?

♪ I don't wanna pay
I don't wanna pay. ♪

There she is, with a voice
like liquid caramel.

I think all caramel's
a sort of liquid, isn't it?

Otherwise it would be toffee,
I reckon.

Leave the compares
to your sweetness, Bernie. Urgh!

Can I call you Bernie?

No. But you can give me
your account number

and let me know
how I can assist you again today.

I just wanted to hear
your lovely voice once more.

Well, you've heard it now.

I'm trying to picture you
in my mind's eye.

Bet you've got
a little Welsh bonnet on...

...and nothing else.

That is not appropriate language,
Mr Beamish,

I'm terminating the call.

Ugh!

What is wrong with men?

SHE MOUTHS

All right, I'm c...
I'm coming.

Right, who is up
for a little workplace singsong?

You can run, but you can't hide, boys.

Cos whether you like it or not,
I'm in charge now,

and this choir is about to get lit!

# Can't survive

♪ I can't stay alive

♪ Without your love

♪ No, baby

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ I can't exist

♪ I will surely miss

♪ Your tender kiss

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ Aaaaah... ♪
OK.

♪ Baby... ♪

Bit shit, but I've no doubt Ruby
knows what to do, don't you, babes?

Yep. Yep. All good, yep.

Smashing, cos if she doesn't,
the only thing she'll be taking home

from ChoirFest South West is a P45.

LAUGHS

OK, I shall leave you
in her very... hands.

So what do you really think?
Do you want me to be dead honest?

No.

Craig, are you joining us?
No.

Unless you need me
to spit some bars cos I...

I don't.

Oh, well, then I'm just, er,
I'm just looking for someone.

Who?
I don't know.

Some geezer in reception
says he's here for a Bernadette?

Shit it!

Mm, better turned out
than I imagined.

Quite good looking, really.

He ain't that good looking.

How does he know where you work?

I don't know, I think...
Sold him the history channels,

tested his broadband speed,
and then he got mucky.

He wasn't that Robert
from Guess Who?

Who's Robert?

Brown hair, snake parting.

Melancholy eyes.
Yeah. Yeah.

It's like the start of a romcom,
isn't it?

Or a true crime podcast.

Shall I tell him to go away?

Yeah, absolutely.

Sure? He's quite nice
and, like, clean.

Get rid of him, Craig.

Right, right. Right, this is it.

Big man's going down.

Believe.

Whoo! Here we go, come on!

Go on, Craig, son, you tell him.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

THEY CHUCKLE

Why are they laughing?

Well, Craig is very charismatic.

Oooh!

Does she look like one of them, her?

This is mad. I'm getting rid of
that nut job once and for all.

Oi! Want me to come with you
for back-up?

Pretend I'm your boyfriend
or something?

No! No, why have I got to pretend
to be in some sort of relationship

just to get rid of some weirdo?

No, this is for me to sort out.
You know why? It's your fault.

No, because I've had enough of it.

I put up
with the wrong man in my life

cos it made everything easier.
Walking home at night was easier,

sleeping in a ground floor flat
was easier,

even going to a restaurant
was easier.

How is this relevant?
It's not.

Because I want to be able
to conduct myself in this world

without having to put up
with shit like this.

So, thanks for your offer, Tom.

Put a pin in it, but I need to go
and sort this out on my own.

I mean, we're going with her, right?
Of course.

Hi, Mr Beamish. Here's the news,
Bernadette didn't exist,

I was just pissing about
doing daft voices to pass the time.

I don't believe you.

I'm not being funny,

but that's your tough turnips,
so it is.

I'm sorry, I went a bit Irish
at the end there.

No, it's me that should be sorry.
I don't know what came over me,

and-and I feel utterly ashamed
of myself.

Right.

And that's why I came here today,
to offer my humble apologies

and to ask if you'd let me
buy you dinner to say sorry.

No!

Sorry?

Er, perhaps you don't understand.

Um, I've apologised for my actions,
mea culpa,

and now I'm offering
to take you out, on me.

Oh, I see.

The only thing on you, mate,

is the fact that you thought
it was appropriate

to talk to a woman like that, so,
no, I don't accept your apology,

and I won't be going to dinner
with you.

But I said sorry.

But I don't care.

Well, then I'd like
to speak to your supervisor.

Sorry?

Supervisor, supervisor, supervisor.

HORN BLARES

Oh!

That is him, isn't it?
Yeah. Good.

You can go, mate, fuck off!
Yeah. Yeah, that's right, mate,

do one, cos I'll call the police,

and if I see your face
round here again,

you'll get the mace next time,
OK, babe?

See ya.

Yeah, knob.
SHE MOUTHS

And that, my chickens,
is what you get

when you ask for the supervisor.

Wow, Vicki, that was awesome!
You're my hero.

Shall we kiss now or something?

Tell you what, babe,
go back to your desk,

do your job and stop pissing about,
OK?

And then shall we kiss?

I promise, no more Bernadette,
she's left the building.

Shame, cos I was gonna give her
a bonus.

Oh, damn it.

Right, Mels, while we're here,
get that picture done

because thanks to your actions,
you're my Hellocom Hero Of The Week.

Let's go.

Right.

You all right?
Yes, yep.

Come on, I'll make you
a nice cup of tea.

Oh, can it be an oat milk
flat white?

HE CHUCKLES

No, seriously, can it be
an oat milk flat white?

No.
Mm.

Stand there, please.
And, er, look at the camera, please.

Why don't you like
having your picture taken?

I just don't see why I have to.

Maybe you don't.

What do you reckon, then?

You are rubbish at noses,
but I like it.

Ellie, Ellie.
Mm?

Yeah, can we have a quick chat?

Um, is it gonna be boring?

What? Er, no.

Oh, OK.

Um, if we just...

Well, it's just, I was...
I was talking to the guys,

and-and, well, do you think
that we might, like, you know,

like, sleep together again?

Er, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, last night was hot fun, bitch!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was, wasn't it?

Well, well, in that case
I might have to speak to HR

because, like, as a manager,
I need to make it clear

that I'm not, you know,
like, exploiting my position.

Oh, bless you,
that is really, really sweet.

What?

Well, it's just that, like,
you think that you're my boss

because you're team leader.

Bitch, I get paid
twice as much money as you do.

I mean, if anyone should be speaking
to HR it really should be me.

Right. Well, will you?

SHE CHUCKLES
No chance.

So, are you coming home with me?

Yeah.
OK.

Gonna be all right getting home?

We can give you a lift if you want?
Can we?

Can we? No, I'm fine, I'll walk.

See you.
See you.

What?

I do not.

SIGHS

Where's "play"?

Bananarama.

'Venus'
by Bananarama

♪ Goddess on a mountain top

♪ Burning like a silver flame

♪ The summit of beauty and love

♪ And Venus was her name

♪ She's got it

♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it

♪ I'm your Venus

♪ I'm your fire, your desire. ♪

# Well, I'm your Venus

♪ I'm your fire

♪ At your desire

♪ Her weapons were her crystal eyes

♪ Making every man mad

♪ Black as the dark night, she was

♪ Got what no-one else had, whoa!

♪ She's got it

♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it. ♪