Ruby Speaking (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
At Hellocom, a Bristol call centre, fun and irreverent Ruby tries to put a smile on her colleagues' faces, dodge getting the sack, and run a choir that she'd much sooner avoid.
Hello, Hellocom.
Keeping you connected.
Ruby speaking. How can I help you?
Yeah, well, let me just put you
on hold while I transfer the call.
Sorry. It's a jelly snake.
It's actually my first day,
so if I can put you on hold,
and I'll speak to my supervisor.
Yeah, that's the one.
We take all complaints against
our staff members very seriously.
He's busy at the moment, so if
I could get him to call back...
You are not first lady to tell me
that I helped 'em find it!
♪ I already been that girl
I already been that girl
♪ Get the cash, get the money. ♪
So he says to me, "Take that muck
off it, or I'm not eating it."
Never?
What, cos you put cheddar on it?!
I never had no Parmesan, did I?
Tell that bloke of yours what I said
to my ex when I sent him packing.
Ew! Not married yet.
Far too young for all that.
Oh, God!
I was picturing you all grown up.
My mistake.
Truth is, Debs,
it all adds up, doesn't it?
And then one day you turn around,
and you're shacked up with a bloke
you barely like,
let alone love.
You reckon?
I know it.
LAUGHTER, HORN HOOTS
What was that?
On the leaderboard again!
Nothing. Just some keener's
made a sale, that's all.
Ruby, upsell.
Ah, which reminds me...
CLEARS HER THROAT
...would you be interested
in extending your bundle
to a high-speed Hellocom Maxi
for just 27.99 a month?
Not really. Bit pricey.
Yeah, we're all a bit skint
nowadays, aren't we?
SHE MOUTHS
Nice chatting to you, Debs.
And tell that bloke of yours
only fannies and Italians
don't like cheddar on a spag bol.
LAUGHTER
I am on fire today!
Oh, Tom,
if only that were actually true.
Aw, you feeling a bit inadequate,
Ruby? Inadequate?
Have you seen me, mate?
I'm the visual equivalent
of a polymath.
Nothing inadequate
about this situation.
Well, you should be.
Even the new girl's
sold more than you today.
I have. Hm, it's a bit rude.
She's got a name, mate.
Yeah. I do.
Which is?
Which is?
Melons.
Melons? Is that short for something?
No.
Unless there's, like,
a longer word for melons?
GIGGLING
Hello, Hellocom,
keeping you connected.
She is a marked improvement
on religious Katy, anyway.
Oh, don't be mean about Katy.
I'm gonna miss her.
Just cos she was your cult leader.
Choir leader, it's a choir.
How many times?
Cult.
And if we don't
find someone to take over...
No.
...we may have to disband, Ruby.
No. No!
Don't do that!
Don't give me puppy dog eyes! No!
It's fun. Isn't it, Donna?
Donna.
Donna!
Isn't choir fun?
My dopamine levels
are off the chart since joining.
Don't even start me on my oxytocin.
See? Just think about it. Choir is
the best thing about working here.
And what happens
when you go back to uni, hm?
I'm stuck with it.
Like I told you before,
I'm not singing Kumbayas for no-one.
Hello, Hellocom? Ruby speaking.
How can I help you?
'Roar'
by Katy Perry
Hey hey!
Shit!
Vicki's here. She's back!
Shit! No, no, no, she's not in
today. She's not in today!
That's what I'm talking about, eh?!
Yes! Yes!
Let's be 'aving you!
Hello, my chickens.
Show me a winner!
We're all winners!
Ah, look at you lot working away.
Do you know, they're
always banging on about the NHS,
but you lot,
you're my little heroes.
Yeah, talking o' which...
Eh? Eh?
Yes!
Yes!
Vicki in the house.
Vicki in the house!
Now that - boom -
is a nice energy, babes.
So nice, in fact,
it has just won you...
an advanced motion detection easy
installation ring doorbell in HD.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Eh?
Tom, why are you such a dick?
Thanks, Vicki!
Aw. Don't thank me, babes.
Thank yourself.
SHE SNIFFS
Go on. I mean it.
Say thank you to you.
Um...
Go on.
Thank you, Tom.
There we go.
LAUGHING
That feels good, doesn't it?
Yep.
Yeah!
A-ha.
Yeah.
You should try that once a day, OK?
Heard it
on Fearne Cotton's Happy Place.
Right!
Marko, let's go.
Well done, mate.
GIGGLING
You love a good thank,
don't you, Tom?
Yeah, everyone's always saying what
a massive thanker you are. Shut up!
All the time.
I don't know what you're laughing
about, anyway, now Vicki's here.
Why is that a problem? It's not.
No, it's not, unless your name's...
Ruby. Can you come in a second?
Oh-ho-ho!
You be so sacked!
HE CHUCKLES
So, Ruby, it's been a couple
of weeks since we had our last chat
and in that time, babes,
you've been late 11 times.
Well, yes, but I've been going
through some stuff at home, which...
Babes, stop. I get it.
OK? Life's complicated.
It's messy, even.
I'm right, aren't I, Marko,
it is, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, it can be. Even today...
When I was your age,
I was just like you. A right state.
Oh, look at her face, she thinks
I'm joking. I am not joking, babes.
I was an actual shit show.
Yeah, you mentioned that last time.
Right, well, then,
you know what happened, don't you?
I had a little chat with myself,
and now I'm gonna have
that same little chat with you.
OK?
We need you to change,
to get better...
"pacifically" at your job.
Totally will. Cos right now,
I really need this.
I won't go into the details, but...
I've been looking at your stats, Ruby.
48, 44, 61.
Ruby!
Well, I'm a big, beautiful girl, Mark.
And I've worked out a problem.
You think
you're in customer services.
Mmm, I am, aren't I?
No, babes.
You're in sales.
Now, we've been through this.
Every contact with the client is...
..an opportunity to upsell.
And you're not taking
them opportunities, babes.
We just need you to find a way
of helping the customer,
and then at the end of the call,
you sell them some stuff as well,
it's like a game of two halves.
Oh, hello! Jurgen Klopp!
Me no speaky football!
What's he like, eh?!
THEY LAUGH
A great team leader,
that's what he's like,
and you're lucky to have him, Rubes,
cos thanks to Marko here,
we're giving you another chance.
OK. You have got till the end
of the day to make a sale.
What?
That way you can prove to me
that you are Hellocom material,
cut from the same bloody cloth
as those bloody legends out there.
You've got this, Ruby. Don't worry.
Yet. Go on, then, love, off you pop.
Sell, sell, sell.
Ah! Right.
Er, Mark, send in Rohan, will you?
Gotta talk bog breaks.
Sure.
SHE SIGHS
So?
You can't get rid of me.
Not so easily
cos of my gorgeous laugh
and infectious personality.
You prick.
Congratulations.
Cheers, mate.
Doesn't she mind
that you're bad at your job, then?
LAUGHS
Well, sort of,
but she's giving me another chance
to prove I am Hellocom material.
How long?
The end of the day? Which is fine?
Cos that's easy, right?
No problemo at all-io.
You can hand that over, son.
Dead woman walking.
Hello, Rubicom...
Hello, speaking... Oh, shit!
Hello, Hellocom. Ruby speaking.
How can I help?
Donna. Donna.
Do I need my top lip doing?
Donna! Donna.
HORN HOOTS
Ow! Cameron!
Last chance, choir practice.
Just come and see!
No, Ruby, you're not joining choir.
You don't have time for that.
Call waiting. Now.
Such a shame, Cameron. Sorry.
Urgh!
Hello, Hellocom, keeping you
connected. Ruby speaking.
How can I help you?
Ruby, it's Clinton.
All right, Clinton?
How's my favourite customer
doing today?
How should I know? Cos you're my
favourite customer, you daft bugger!
So I'll call you tomorrow, shall I,
let you know how Ruby got on?
What am I like?
I-I really don't know.
Totally forgot to tell you.
I'm going to be based here
from now on... permanently.
Great. Why?
This branch of Hellocom is really
underperforming on every level.
Appalling. Yeah, I know. I sent
that information to head office.
We're in talks about
expanding my role
so I can implement some changes.
And now you don't need to.
Right.
Those little superstars out there,
they deserve better from us.
I couldn't agree more.
And I wanna make sure they get it.
I'm talking motivation, wellness,
mental health... things.
Love the choir, love that,
and your cute little
five aside-y football thingy.
We'll have more of that, OK?
OK.
Great. Yeah.
Well, in terms of, like,
mental health things,
I think that job security's
really important.
Mm-hm, mm-hm. And I think we need
to be holding on to, you know,
the good team members like Ruby.
Mm, oh, absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
Gotta hold onto the good ones, Marko.
HE SIGHS
♪ I guess I'm messy, I'm messy
I'm messy, I'm all messed up. ♪
♪ Get the cash, get the money
Better spend that, girl
♪ If you bad and you know it
Better show out, girl. ♪
In one minute,
I'm watching The Repair Shop,
and the next...
..Spinning Wheel!
I'm gonna let you in on a trade
secret now, Clinton, my love.
Sometimes,
the internet is just a bit shit.
But at least
I get a nice chat with you.
Let me have your postcode again
so I can access your account.
BS3 4EL.
So, erm, how are things,
other than that?
Oh, ups and downs, Ruby.
Found myself having a cry in Asda
this morning over Turkish Delight.
Why are you crying in Asda
about Turkish Delight?
Couldn't find it.
Violet always did the big shop.
You'll get there, Clinton,
just... give it some time.
HE WHISPERS
Upsell!
Up yours!
Right, you'll have to give me
all the details all over again.
HOOTS HORN
CHEERING
Mwah! Mwah!
Rack me up,
Drindle's got another one.
What? Another one?
Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
Sometimes, we are the only people
he speaks to all week. All week! Us.
You're the only people I talk to.
What are you saying?
I can't force him
to buy stuff he doesn't need.
But if you don't...
you'll lose your job.
I'll lose my job!
And why do you need your job?
Cos I am now the sole bill payer
in my household.
Yes, go, independent woman.
Shut up.
Where's Craig?
Yes!
Jesus! Please,
don't wear your ski mask at work.
But man, it's freezing down here, seriously.
You don't know what it's like
with that door going open and shut
and open and shut...
Craig, Craig, Craig,
just take the mask off.
Seriously...
you'll be paying for man's Lemsip's
if I get sick, bruv. OK, mate.
I'm telling you.
Where are you taking me, anyway?
A-ha!
Oh, Mark, please, no. No, no.
Don't fight it.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I spent two weeks of my life
in that training room. Please!
Don't resist. Please don't make me
go in there. Please. Please!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, hey, Ellie.
Hey, bitches, you OK?
How are you doing?
Do you, er, do you mind
if we use this room for a bit?
You two wanna use this room?
You and you?
Yeah.
Well, that is completely
against the company policy,
but I'm not here to judge,
so you do you, bitches, it's OK.
Oh, God, no.
No, not for anything like that.
Oh!
SHE CACKLES
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's so embarrassing for me.
Oh!
You too must think
I'm absolutely mental.
No.
Not that mental.
No, she just needs to go through
some of the basics.
And you're the one to show her
how it's done, are you?
Hashtag dirty boy.
Don't start!
THEY ALL LAUGH
No, but seriously, whatever,
I'm gonna go and grab some sushi
or something cos do you know what?
Lately, I've got
this really big addiction to wasabi.
I mean,
is that weird, or is that weird?
Sushi, yeah, cool.
OK, well, I'll catch
you bitches later. Bye.
That was interesting.
Sorry, what?
You fancy Ellie,
the training coordinator. No! What?
You do!
No, not really, or at all.
Oh, God. OK, let's just start with
the fundamentals of sex-cess...
Success, and then we'll move
on to closing the deal, shall we?
We certainly can because we've
totally got work to do today, bitch.
OK, so, making the sale. Confirm
you're speaking to the bill payer.
Hello, am I speaking to
the bill payer, please? Your turn.
Hello, Ellie, training coordinator.
Say it.
Hello, Ellie.
THEY CHUCKLE
Be real. Create a connection.
Please upgrade your account
so I don't get sacked.
Or in your case, fancy a Nando's?
Oh, Ruby, enough, please!
You have to take this seriously.
And I was thinking more Browns.
Hm, top of Barber Street? Bit keen.
Zizzi's, maybe.
Zizzi. Oh, nice.
Sorry. Sorry. This is about you.
I think I might be a lost cause,
though, mate.
But thanks for trying.
I just don't want you to go.
Why?
DOOR OPENS
Knock-knock, bitches, pants back on.
I'm joking, obviously.
Are you done, though, only I need to
get on with my job and stuff. Yeah.
Nailed it, but Mark has something
he wants to run past you. Mark?
Ruby!
♪ When the saints go marching in
♪ Oh when the saints go... ♪
Ruby! Oh, you changed your mind!
No.
Cameron, mate,
I was just hiding from...
There you are, babes. Hi.
I was looking for you cos you
wasn't at your desk. Bit weird.
Sorry, Vicki. On my way there now.
Lovely.
Cos I've decided, I'm gonna have
a listen in on your next call.
I'll see what's going wrong
for meself.
Great idea
What's she say?
No. It's fine.
Seriously?
What is wrong with the woman?
Ruby, call waiting.
Right, come on. Come on, Ruby.
You've got this. Good luck.
Just do your job, but better.
SHE SIGHS
Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected.
Ruby speaking. How can...?
I've been on hold
for nearly 20 minutes.
I'm sorry about that.
We've been experiencing a high...
All I want is to close my account.
Can you do that or not?
My kids have left home.
There's nothing on TV,
and my husband uses pay-as-you-go
cos he's sleeping with
our marriage counsellor.
Bloody hell!
Ruby, stick to the script.
Come on! Ruby.
I'm sorry you are having
this problem.
Let me see if there is anything else
I can do to help.
Why? Why does everything
have to be so hard?
Can you close this account or not?
All right, here's what I'm thinking.
The last thing you need to do
is cut yourself off.
You need to call your best mate.
I haven't spoken with her
since 2014.
All the more reason to, and as
far as your kids leaving home,
they're gonna still need you,
so let me help you set up
your face-to-face calling.
Why?
Why are you doing all this?
Cos I know the feeling.
It's like when you're lying in bed
and your duvet slipped out the cover
a little bit,
and all you've got keeping you warm
is an empty sheet,
and you know you could just get up
and give it a good shake
and do up the poppers and readjust,
but you don't.
Cos you can't be arsed,
so you just lie there getting cold
because putting on a duvet cover
on your own is bloody hard,
you know what I'm saying?
So I'm gonna help you get your
meta-fucking-phorical duvet in order
and piss off your husband
in the process.
I love it. Oh, thank you, Ruby,
you're great.
No worries.
That's what we're here to do
at Hellocom, keeping you connected.
Yeah!
That was amazing. I don't think
I've ever heard a call like that.
Oh, you guys, just doing my job.
Oh, except it isn't your job,
is it, Ruby?
Your job, as we discussed,
is ultimately about sales.
What did you actually sell?
N-Nothing.
Nothing.
We're gonna have to let you go,
I'm afraid. What?
Whoa! Hang on, one second! Vicki,
she stopped the customer
from leaving, so...
Yeah, but I "pacifically"
asked for one thing, Marko.
Yes, but also you said to prove
herself as Hellocom material,
which she totally is.
Really?
Absolutely!
Absolutely.
Well, like, look at the choir.
Yes, the choir.
Ruby... Ruby was to be our new
choir leader, weren't you, Ruby?
Yes, I was. Totally.
Well, just get someone else
to do it.
No-one else wants to.
Believe me, I've tried.
See? No Ruby, no choir, and choir,
it-it makes you feel good, right?
Donna's dopamine levels
are off the charts since joining.
Don't even get her started
on her oxytocin. Never been happier.
And you said yourself you really
wanted to focus on staff wellness,
right, Vicki?
VICKI SIGHS
You lot! What are you like, eh?
All right, I'm not a monster.
Go on, have it your way.
Saved again, Rubes.
SHE LAUGHS
Ah! This lot really like you, Ruby...
for some reason.
Hopefully, I'll get to find out why
while I closely monitor
all your work from now on.
Sell, sell, sell!
So, um, seeing as I'm celebrating
and you're not,
how about I, um, buy you a drink?
On a school night?
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Yeah, all right, then.
Surprise, bitches. Guess what?
I'm now actually free for dinner,
so I was thinking maybe
let's go for some sushi because
I do have this addiction to wasabi.
I mean, is that weird?
Still not weird.
Actually, I just said
I'd go for a drink with Ruby.
Oh...
OK...
No. No, no, no, I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
You-You two go and have fun,
and I will be fine. You go.
Another time?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Um...
Bye, bitch.
See you later. Come on.
Ruby, well done today. That really
was a great call. Oh, thanks.
STUTTERS
Er...
SIGHS
Do you love him?
Who? What?! Mark?
Hm.
N... He...
Don't be daft. He's not my type. I...
My mum always said don't date a man
who smells better than you, so...
He does smell better than you.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, fancy a quick pint?
No.
Oh.
Sure, I've got...
I've got loads on, anyway.
Yeah, I'll just do my own thing.
♪ Take mine
♪ Did everything you wanted
Did it all
♪ And I'm fine leaving it friendly
Without ever knowing all
♪ But I have decided
♪ I was sure
You over all of them
♪ You over all
I have decided
♪ I was sure
You over all of them
♪ You over all
♪ And every single time
I got something to say
♪ I chew on it and spit on it
And say it anyway
♪ I know I don't behave
The way you want me to be
♪ I'd love to change my ways
But it's too late
♪ And every single time
I got something to say
♪ I chew on it and spit on it
And say it anyway
♪ I know I don't behave
The way you want me to be
♪ I'd love to change my ways
But it's too late
♪ I was sure
♪ You over all
♪ I was sure
♪ You over all. ♪
Keeping you connected.
Ruby speaking. How can I help you?
Yeah, well, let me just put you
on hold while I transfer the call.
Sorry. It's a jelly snake.
It's actually my first day,
so if I can put you on hold,
and I'll speak to my supervisor.
Yeah, that's the one.
We take all complaints against
our staff members very seriously.
He's busy at the moment, so if
I could get him to call back...
You are not first lady to tell me
that I helped 'em find it!
♪ I already been that girl
I already been that girl
♪ Get the cash, get the money. ♪
So he says to me, "Take that muck
off it, or I'm not eating it."
Never?
What, cos you put cheddar on it?!
I never had no Parmesan, did I?
Tell that bloke of yours what I said
to my ex when I sent him packing.
Ew! Not married yet.
Far too young for all that.
Oh, God!
I was picturing you all grown up.
My mistake.
Truth is, Debs,
it all adds up, doesn't it?
And then one day you turn around,
and you're shacked up with a bloke
you barely like,
let alone love.
You reckon?
I know it.
LAUGHTER, HORN HOOTS
What was that?
On the leaderboard again!
Nothing. Just some keener's
made a sale, that's all.
Ruby, upsell.
Ah, which reminds me...
CLEARS HER THROAT
...would you be interested
in extending your bundle
to a high-speed Hellocom Maxi
for just 27.99 a month?
Not really. Bit pricey.
Yeah, we're all a bit skint
nowadays, aren't we?
SHE MOUTHS
Nice chatting to you, Debs.
And tell that bloke of yours
only fannies and Italians
don't like cheddar on a spag bol.
LAUGHTER
I am on fire today!
Oh, Tom,
if only that were actually true.
Aw, you feeling a bit inadequate,
Ruby? Inadequate?
Have you seen me, mate?
I'm the visual equivalent
of a polymath.
Nothing inadequate
about this situation.
Well, you should be.
Even the new girl's
sold more than you today.
I have. Hm, it's a bit rude.
She's got a name, mate.
Yeah. I do.
Which is?
Which is?
Melons.
Melons? Is that short for something?
No.
Unless there's, like,
a longer word for melons?
GIGGLING
Hello, Hellocom,
keeping you connected.
She is a marked improvement
on religious Katy, anyway.
Oh, don't be mean about Katy.
I'm gonna miss her.
Just cos she was your cult leader.
Choir leader, it's a choir.
How many times?
Cult.
And if we don't
find someone to take over...
No.
...we may have to disband, Ruby.
No. No!
Don't do that!
Don't give me puppy dog eyes! No!
It's fun. Isn't it, Donna?
Donna.
Donna!
Isn't choir fun?
My dopamine levels
are off the chart since joining.
Don't even start me on my oxytocin.
See? Just think about it. Choir is
the best thing about working here.
And what happens
when you go back to uni, hm?
I'm stuck with it.
Like I told you before,
I'm not singing Kumbayas for no-one.
Hello, Hellocom? Ruby speaking.
How can I help you?
'Roar'
by Katy Perry
Hey hey!
Shit!
Vicki's here. She's back!
Shit! No, no, no, she's not in
today. She's not in today!
That's what I'm talking about, eh?!
Yes! Yes!
Let's be 'aving you!
Hello, my chickens.
Show me a winner!
We're all winners!
Ah, look at you lot working away.
Do you know, they're
always banging on about the NHS,
but you lot,
you're my little heroes.
Yeah, talking o' which...
Eh? Eh?
Yes!
Yes!
Vicki in the house.
Vicki in the house!
Now that - boom -
is a nice energy, babes.
So nice, in fact,
it has just won you...
an advanced motion detection easy
installation ring doorbell in HD.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Eh?
Tom, why are you such a dick?
Thanks, Vicki!
Aw. Don't thank me, babes.
Thank yourself.
SHE SNIFFS
Go on. I mean it.
Say thank you to you.
Um...
Go on.
Thank you, Tom.
There we go.
LAUGHING
That feels good, doesn't it?
Yep.
Yeah!
A-ha.
Yeah.
You should try that once a day, OK?
Heard it
on Fearne Cotton's Happy Place.
Right!
Marko, let's go.
Well done, mate.
GIGGLING
You love a good thank,
don't you, Tom?
Yeah, everyone's always saying what
a massive thanker you are. Shut up!
All the time.
I don't know what you're laughing
about, anyway, now Vicki's here.
Why is that a problem? It's not.
No, it's not, unless your name's...
Ruby. Can you come in a second?
Oh-ho-ho!
You be so sacked!
HE CHUCKLES
So, Ruby, it's been a couple
of weeks since we had our last chat
and in that time, babes,
you've been late 11 times.
Well, yes, but I've been going
through some stuff at home, which...
Babes, stop. I get it.
OK? Life's complicated.
It's messy, even.
I'm right, aren't I, Marko,
it is, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, it can be. Even today...
When I was your age,
I was just like you. A right state.
Oh, look at her face, she thinks
I'm joking. I am not joking, babes.
I was an actual shit show.
Yeah, you mentioned that last time.
Right, well, then,
you know what happened, don't you?
I had a little chat with myself,
and now I'm gonna have
that same little chat with you.
OK?
We need you to change,
to get better...
"pacifically" at your job.
Totally will. Cos right now,
I really need this.
I won't go into the details, but...
I've been looking at your stats, Ruby.
48, 44, 61.
Ruby!
Well, I'm a big, beautiful girl, Mark.
And I've worked out a problem.
You think
you're in customer services.
Mmm, I am, aren't I?
No, babes.
You're in sales.
Now, we've been through this.
Every contact with the client is...
..an opportunity to upsell.
And you're not taking
them opportunities, babes.
We just need you to find a way
of helping the customer,
and then at the end of the call,
you sell them some stuff as well,
it's like a game of two halves.
Oh, hello! Jurgen Klopp!
Me no speaky football!
What's he like, eh?!
THEY LAUGH
A great team leader,
that's what he's like,
and you're lucky to have him, Rubes,
cos thanks to Marko here,
we're giving you another chance.
OK. You have got till the end
of the day to make a sale.
What?
That way you can prove to me
that you are Hellocom material,
cut from the same bloody cloth
as those bloody legends out there.
You've got this, Ruby. Don't worry.
Yet. Go on, then, love, off you pop.
Sell, sell, sell.
Ah! Right.
Er, Mark, send in Rohan, will you?
Gotta talk bog breaks.
Sure.
SHE SIGHS
So?
You can't get rid of me.
Not so easily
cos of my gorgeous laugh
and infectious personality.
You prick.
Congratulations.
Cheers, mate.
Doesn't she mind
that you're bad at your job, then?
LAUGHS
Well, sort of,
but she's giving me another chance
to prove I am Hellocom material.
How long?
The end of the day? Which is fine?
Cos that's easy, right?
No problemo at all-io.
You can hand that over, son.
Dead woman walking.
Hello, Rubicom...
Hello, speaking... Oh, shit!
Hello, Hellocom. Ruby speaking.
How can I help?
Donna. Donna.
Do I need my top lip doing?
Donna! Donna.
HORN HOOTS
Ow! Cameron!
Last chance, choir practice.
Just come and see!
No, Ruby, you're not joining choir.
You don't have time for that.
Call waiting. Now.
Such a shame, Cameron. Sorry.
Urgh!
Hello, Hellocom, keeping you
connected. Ruby speaking.
How can I help you?
Ruby, it's Clinton.
All right, Clinton?
How's my favourite customer
doing today?
How should I know? Cos you're my
favourite customer, you daft bugger!
So I'll call you tomorrow, shall I,
let you know how Ruby got on?
What am I like?
I-I really don't know.
Totally forgot to tell you.
I'm going to be based here
from now on... permanently.
Great. Why?
This branch of Hellocom is really
underperforming on every level.
Appalling. Yeah, I know. I sent
that information to head office.
We're in talks about
expanding my role
so I can implement some changes.
And now you don't need to.
Right.
Those little superstars out there,
they deserve better from us.
I couldn't agree more.
And I wanna make sure they get it.
I'm talking motivation, wellness,
mental health... things.
Love the choir, love that,
and your cute little
five aside-y football thingy.
We'll have more of that, OK?
OK.
Great. Yeah.
Well, in terms of, like,
mental health things,
I think that job security's
really important.
Mm-hm, mm-hm. And I think we need
to be holding on to, you know,
the good team members like Ruby.
Mm, oh, absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
Gotta hold onto the good ones, Marko.
HE SIGHS
♪ I guess I'm messy, I'm messy
I'm messy, I'm all messed up. ♪
♪ Get the cash, get the money
Better spend that, girl
♪ If you bad and you know it
Better show out, girl. ♪
In one minute,
I'm watching The Repair Shop,
and the next...
..Spinning Wheel!
I'm gonna let you in on a trade
secret now, Clinton, my love.
Sometimes,
the internet is just a bit shit.
But at least
I get a nice chat with you.
Let me have your postcode again
so I can access your account.
BS3 4EL.
So, erm, how are things,
other than that?
Oh, ups and downs, Ruby.
Found myself having a cry in Asda
this morning over Turkish Delight.
Why are you crying in Asda
about Turkish Delight?
Couldn't find it.
Violet always did the big shop.
You'll get there, Clinton,
just... give it some time.
HE WHISPERS
Upsell!
Up yours!
Right, you'll have to give me
all the details all over again.
HOOTS HORN
CHEERING
Mwah! Mwah!
Rack me up,
Drindle's got another one.
What? Another one?
Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
Sometimes, we are the only people
he speaks to all week. All week! Us.
You're the only people I talk to.
What are you saying?
I can't force him
to buy stuff he doesn't need.
But if you don't...
you'll lose your job.
I'll lose my job!
And why do you need your job?
Cos I am now the sole bill payer
in my household.
Yes, go, independent woman.
Shut up.
Where's Craig?
Yes!
Jesus! Please,
don't wear your ski mask at work.
But man, it's freezing down here, seriously.
You don't know what it's like
with that door going open and shut
and open and shut...
Craig, Craig, Craig,
just take the mask off.
Seriously...
you'll be paying for man's Lemsip's
if I get sick, bruv. OK, mate.
I'm telling you.
Where are you taking me, anyway?
A-ha!
Oh, Mark, please, no. No, no.
Don't fight it.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I spent two weeks of my life
in that training room. Please!
Don't resist. Please don't make me
go in there. Please. Please!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, hey, Ellie.
Hey, bitches, you OK?
How are you doing?
Do you, er, do you mind
if we use this room for a bit?
You two wanna use this room?
You and you?
Yeah.
Well, that is completely
against the company policy,
but I'm not here to judge,
so you do you, bitches, it's OK.
Oh, God, no.
No, not for anything like that.
Oh!
SHE CACKLES
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's so embarrassing for me.
Oh!
You too must think
I'm absolutely mental.
No.
Not that mental.
No, she just needs to go through
some of the basics.
And you're the one to show her
how it's done, are you?
Hashtag dirty boy.
Don't start!
THEY ALL LAUGH
No, but seriously, whatever,
I'm gonna go and grab some sushi
or something cos do you know what?
Lately, I've got
this really big addiction to wasabi.
I mean,
is that weird, or is that weird?
Sushi, yeah, cool.
OK, well, I'll catch
you bitches later. Bye.
That was interesting.
Sorry, what?
You fancy Ellie,
the training coordinator. No! What?
You do!
No, not really, or at all.
Oh, God. OK, let's just start with
the fundamentals of sex-cess...
Success, and then we'll move
on to closing the deal, shall we?
We certainly can because we've
totally got work to do today, bitch.
OK, so, making the sale. Confirm
you're speaking to the bill payer.
Hello, am I speaking to
the bill payer, please? Your turn.
Hello, Ellie, training coordinator.
Say it.
Hello, Ellie.
THEY CHUCKLE
Be real. Create a connection.
Please upgrade your account
so I don't get sacked.
Or in your case, fancy a Nando's?
Oh, Ruby, enough, please!
You have to take this seriously.
And I was thinking more Browns.
Hm, top of Barber Street? Bit keen.
Zizzi's, maybe.
Zizzi. Oh, nice.
Sorry. Sorry. This is about you.
I think I might be a lost cause,
though, mate.
But thanks for trying.
I just don't want you to go.
Why?
DOOR OPENS
Knock-knock, bitches, pants back on.
I'm joking, obviously.
Are you done, though, only I need to
get on with my job and stuff. Yeah.
Nailed it, but Mark has something
he wants to run past you. Mark?
Ruby!
♪ When the saints go marching in
♪ Oh when the saints go... ♪
Ruby! Oh, you changed your mind!
No.
Cameron, mate,
I was just hiding from...
There you are, babes. Hi.
I was looking for you cos you
wasn't at your desk. Bit weird.
Sorry, Vicki. On my way there now.
Lovely.
Cos I've decided, I'm gonna have
a listen in on your next call.
I'll see what's going wrong
for meself.
Great idea
What's she say?
No. It's fine.
Seriously?
What is wrong with the woman?
Ruby, call waiting.
Right, come on. Come on, Ruby.
You've got this. Good luck.
Just do your job, but better.
SHE SIGHS
Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected.
Ruby speaking. How can...?
I've been on hold
for nearly 20 minutes.
I'm sorry about that.
We've been experiencing a high...
All I want is to close my account.
Can you do that or not?
My kids have left home.
There's nothing on TV,
and my husband uses pay-as-you-go
cos he's sleeping with
our marriage counsellor.
Bloody hell!
Ruby, stick to the script.
Come on! Ruby.
I'm sorry you are having
this problem.
Let me see if there is anything else
I can do to help.
Why? Why does everything
have to be so hard?
Can you close this account or not?
All right, here's what I'm thinking.
The last thing you need to do
is cut yourself off.
You need to call your best mate.
I haven't spoken with her
since 2014.
All the more reason to, and as
far as your kids leaving home,
they're gonna still need you,
so let me help you set up
your face-to-face calling.
Why?
Why are you doing all this?
Cos I know the feeling.
It's like when you're lying in bed
and your duvet slipped out the cover
a little bit,
and all you've got keeping you warm
is an empty sheet,
and you know you could just get up
and give it a good shake
and do up the poppers and readjust,
but you don't.
Cos you can't be arsed,
so you just lie there getting cold
because putting on a duvet cover
on your own is bloody hard,
you know what I'm saying?
So I'm gonna help you get your
meta-fucking-phorical duvet in order
and piss off your husband
in the process.
I love it. Oh, thank you, Ruby,
you're great.
No worries.
That's what we're here to do
at Hellocom, keeping you connected.
Yeah!
That was amazing. I don't think
I've ever heard a call like that.
Oh, you guys, just doing my job.
Oh, except it isn't your job,
is it, Ruby?
Your job, as we discussed,
is ultimately about sales.
What did you actually sell?
N-Nothing.
Nothing.
We're gonna have to let you go,
I'm afraid. What?
Whoa! Hang on, one second! Vicki,
she stopped the customer
from leaving, so...
Yeah, but I "pacifically"
asked for one thing, Marko.
Yes, but also you said to prove
herself as Hellocom material,
which she totally is.
Really?
Absolutely!
Absolutely.
Well, like, look at the choir.
Yes, the choir.
Ruby... Ruby was to be our new
choir leader, weren't you, Ruby?
Yes, I was. Totally.
Well, just get someone else
to do it.
No-one else wants to.
Believe me, I've tried.
See? No Ruby, no choir, and choir,
it-it makes you feel good, right?
Donna's dopamine levels
are off the charts since joining.
Don't even get her started
on her oxytocin. Never been happier.
And you said yourself you really
wanted to focus on staff wellness,
right, Vicki?
VICKI SIGHS
You lot! What are you like, eh?
All right, I'm not a monster.
Go on, have it your way.
Saved again, Rubes.
SHE LAUGHS
Ah! This lot really like you, Ruby...
for some reason.
Hopefully, I'll get to find out why
while I closely monitor
all your work from now on.
Sell, sell, sell!
So, um, seeing as I'm celebrating
and you're not,
how about I, um, buy you a drink?
On a school night?
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Yeah, all right, then.
Surprise, bitches. Guess what?
I'm now actually free for dinner,
so I was thinking maybe
let's go for some sushi because
I do have this addiction to wasabi.
I mean, is that weird?
Still not weird.
Actually, I just said
I'd go for a drink with Ruby.
Oh...
OK...
No. No, no, no, I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
You-You two go and have fun,
and I will be fine. You go.
Another time?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Um...
Bye, bitch.
See you later. Come on.
Ruby, well done today. That really
was a great call. Oh, thanks.
STUTTERS
Er...
SIGHS
Do you love him?
Who? What?! Mark?
Hm.
N... He...
Don't be daft. He's not my type. I...
My mum always said don't date a man
who smells better than you, so...
He does smell better than you.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, fancy a quick pint?
No.
Oh.
Sure, I've got...
I've got loads on, anyway.
Yeah, I'll just do my own thing.
♪ Take mine
♪ Did everything you wanted
Did it all
♪ And I'm fine leaving it friendly
Without ever knowing all
♪ But I have decided
♪ I was sure
You over all of them
♪ You over all
I have decided
♪ I was sure
You over all of them
♪ You over all
♪ And every single time
I got something to say
♪ I chew on it and spit on it
And say it anyway
♪ I know I don't behave
The way you want me to be
♪ I'd love to change my ways
But it's too late
♪ And every single time
I got something to say
♪ I chew on it and spit on it
And say it anyway
♪ I know I don't behave
The way you want me to be
♪ I'd love to change my ways
But it's too late
♪ I was sure
♪ You over all
♪ I was sure
♪ You over all. ♪