Royal Pains (2009–2016): Season 2, Episode 10 - Whole Lotto Love - full transcript

You let a billionaire
hospital trustee die

to save some kid off the street.

- I made a judgment call.
- You made a mistake.

This trip is gonna
get you back on your feet.

- What trip?
- To the Hamptons.

- Is this an arranged marriage?
- Yes.

I know many couples who got
married deeply in love.

Now they barely speak.

Well, you sound
so terribly excited

about this marriage.

Welcome to Cuba.



Dr. Casseras
has diagnosed me, Hank.

Is Boris in
a long-distance relationship?

Open wide.

Mmm. Yummy.

Extra ketchup.

Who loves Ginnie?

oh, yeah, I know.

You love this.
It's your favorite.

Daddy's home.

Dinner's almost ready, Roy.

We won.

We won the lottery.

Are you serious?
Are you serious?

You can't be serious!



Oh!

Roy?

Oh, my God, baby.
What's happening?

Baby, talk to me.

Wha... you are evil!

Do you know that?

Why did I even marry you?

'cause you knew someday
I'd be a very rich man.

Yes, I did!

Oh, baby.
Oh, my gosh.

Roy, what are we gonna buy first?

We're still working on filling
all this space.

Yeah, can I make a suggestion?

How about a regulation
basketball court right here?

I know.
It's huge, right?

Wow.

It's as big as the price tag.

How you guys doing?

Hey.
What's up?

Still pinching pennies.

The man helped the movers
unload our stuff.

Who does that?

They were charging by the hour.

They were taking
their sweet time.

Is that how you hurt
your wrist?

I had worse than this driving
a truck for 14 years,

but I never called in sick,
not one day.

Never.

Always, always on the road,

so now you're gonna relax
if it kills me.

So, um, how can I help?

It's this hideous rash.

I-I... I can't face
the neighbors like this.

I mean, these are the Hamptons.

No, no.
It's singular.

This is the Hamptons.

It's a mistake I used
to make all the time.

It's a big tell.

Thanks.
Yeah.

They're gonna think we brought
the plague or something.

I can definitely
rule out plague.

Evan R. Lawson.
I'm the CFO of HankMed.

Hey.

Is this new jewelry?

I bought a whole set on our
trip from North Dakota.

- One of a kind.
- Really?

Right, honey?

Oh, sure, babe.

Uh, yeah, I think you're having

an allergic reaction to it.

I've never had
real gold before.

I had no idea I was allergic.

Actually, we still don't know
that you are

allergic to real gold.

Honey, he's saying
it's not real.

They saw her coming
a mile away.

Oh, yeah.

This is hydrocortisone.

Use it on the rash twice
a day until it's gone, okay?

Okay. I can do that.

All right, well, CFO...

What do I owe you?

Oh, no, no.
We'll bill you.

- Yeah, we'll bill you.
- Okay.

"citizen's bank of bowbells."

Nice.
Just tell me one thing:

you didn't put all your money
in one bank, right?

Uh.

You didn't, right?

okay, dude.

You need financial planning
assistance, like, bad,

and I can't in good conscience
allow you to go on like this.

- It's crazy.
- Okay, okay.

How much do you want
for the conscience?

You know, you're new in town.

I'll give you the discounted
rate, if you want.

Ok.

It should clear up in
a couple of days.

- If not, call me.
- Oh, thank goodness.

We're renewing our wedding vows
and want

to wear something strapless.

Strapless is all the rage
in summer weddings...

According to Vogue.

Oh.
Yeah.

Last time, we couldn't afford
more than City Hall, so.

It was still romantic
as heck though.

Yeah.

That was ten years ago
on Saturday.

Hey, you guys should come
to the party.

Do we have to wear
something strapless?

No.

Everyone will be there.

Oh, like who?

Everyone.

I invited the whole
neighborhood.

- Oh, yeah.
- Great.

Okay, we'll see you then.

- Bye.
- Bye, guys.

Thanks again.

Looks like Boris
won't be coming home

from Cuba alone.

Marisa's coming?
Oh, my God.

Can you imagine if we had two
weddings this weekend?

Boris's, then Roy and Ginnie's?

That would be...

That would be like a
Katherine Heigl movie

come to life.

Pretty much.

Eddie hasn't called yet?

- No.
- No.

It's... he's in Washington.

Oh, right.
That place without phones.

Yeah, but if Eddie gets
government contracts,

it's huge for Blue Sky.

Your birthday
was three days ago.

Where was Eddie then?
Come on.

It was still awesome.
It was good.

But was laser tag at Shadow Ponds

as cool as laser blaze?

Schooling the kids
on capture the flag.

Yeah, I mean,
that's the tradition.

No, no.

The tradition is you
and me, okay?

Same as on all my birthdays
since, like, forever.

Yeah, and Eddie nowhere
to be found.

Surprise!

Whoa.

All right.

{\a6\fade(1000,1000)}Re-sync was performed by D4rkFactor

Happy Birthday, son.

Actually...

Thank you, Dad thank...

Honestly, thank you so much.

I'm glad you're having
a good time.

I am.

Hey, hey.

Happy Birthday, old man.
Hey, Killer Keller.

- How's the schnoz?
- I'm still breathing.

Oh!

Good to see you.

Miss Newberg, hey!

Hello, Hank.

Happy Birthday.

Evan.

Of course I know who you are.

Now's a good time to start lying
about your age.

Ah, that's good advice.
Thank you.

Good to see you.

Hey.

I'm glad you're here.

I, um...

I wanted to talk
to you about...Emily.

Do you really want
to talk about it

or do you just think that
you have to talk about it?

Because you don't, Hank.

Really.
We're cool.

- Okay.
- No.

Good talk.

Okay.

I'm gonna go get a beer.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much
for coming, dude.

- Hello.
- Hmm.

- Thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait.

You've got to open mine first.

- Sorry.
- Okay.

All right.

No!

This is the same one the CEO
of Goldman Sachs

was wearing when he testifie
before congress?

- Maybe.
- Oh, my God.

Paige.
Oh, my God.

That's crazy!

Thank you.

You want to put it on?

Yes, absolutely.

I can't believe you did this.

It's pretty great, right?

Yeah.

Hey.

Oh.

How did it go with Hank?

So fun, yeah.

It's a party, right?

Hey, so, um,

I thought Raj was in Seattle.

He was, but he stopped off

to see me on his way back
to London.

Mmm, sounds like things
are going well.

They are.

I have everything I want.

I got a girl I like.

I got a job I love.

Got a watch I adore.

I got a brother I kind of like.

Yeah, I kind of like you.

Kind of like him.

Little.

I have a dad again...

who finally showed up
for my birthday.

Couple days late, but still.

That's great, Evan.
That's great.

I'm gonna thank him.

I don't understand.

I don't need a doctor.

I was told that you
had stomach pain.

Adam called you.

He's worried about nothing.

It was probably something I ate.

Well, have you eaten anything
out of the ordinary?

Yes.

Adam's come home from Timbuktu

or some such place with a recipe

for roasted calf's brains.

Well, maybe they weren't
roasted properly

or maybe it's just that they
were calf brains.

They're a delicacy
in the Middle East.

Hi, I'm Hank.
This is Divya.

Adam. Thank you for coming.

He was there working
on a new documentary.

About gender discrimination
in schools, not calf brains.

Anyway, when I arrived here
at my parent's place yesterday,

Tali was achy and nauseous
before I made dinner.

Maybe it's nerves.

Your parents, your brothers,
your whole family

are coming in and the house
is nowhere near being ready.

Stop it.
You are part of our family.

Tali had a kidney transplant
two years ago.

A transplant patient
is extremely susceptible

to infection or rejection
of transplanted tissue.

And now you know
why I'm worried.

Sure.
Well, first things first.

Who's her nephrologist?

Have you experienced
any weight gain

or swelling in your
lower extremities?

No. Everything's fine.

I'll get these samples
to the lab right away.

Yeah, and make sure they put
a rush on it.

Are you taking it easy, Tali?

Adam mentioned
his family reunion.

Oh, he got here early
to pester me.

He's probably just checking
in on his kidney.

Making sure you're
taking good care of it.

Wait. Adam is the donor?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, buddy.
Back to your room.

He has his own room?

Why not?
We got plenty of 'em.

- Can you get the door for me?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

All right.

Here we go, bud.

Yeah, that's cool.

It's, like, an indoor bird
gazebo room.

So what's the plan, CFO?

Well, how aggressive
do you want to be?

There are plenty of ways
to increase

your returns, my friend.

Increase?

I already have more money
than I know what to do with.

Well, it's good that I'm here.

I can tell you what
to do with it.

Oh, man.

I'd be happy just sticking it
under a mattress,

but there's probably
no mattress big enough.

So you want to sit here
in your giant mansion

in the most exclusive
neighborhood in the world

and you want to forget
that you won the lottery?

Have you ever heard
of the lottery curse?

Terrible things happen
to lottery winners.

They end up with nothing.

Okay, that's bad advice,
all right?

And you have me.

- And Ginnie has a rash.
- Yeah.

And that's cheap jewelry.

Are you okay, man?

No, no.

It's what I've been trying
to tell you.

Excuse me.

I thought surprises
were my thing.

Well, surprise.

Welcome.

Thank you.

This is quite a nice place
you got here.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You like Scotch, right?

Yeah, I don't want a drink.

Thank you.

So how happy am I, huh?

My son came to visit me.

Yeah.

Um, I wanted to thank you.

For the party.

It meant a lot to Evan.

Come on,
that's the least I could do

for missing all those birthdays
before yesterday.

Uh, yeah, technically,
you actually...

- Hold that thought.
- Okay.

Hello?

Just give me a second.
Give me a second.

I got to take this.
Take a second.

Yeah.

I got your message, Roy.

Got here as quick as I could.

Let's have a look.

I've been keeping it
from Ginnie,

but I'm starting to freak out.

It hurts more than
I can tell you.

All right, well,
let's take a look here.

Sorry, buddy.
Okay.

All right, all right.
No popping or clicking.

Let's check.

Okay, no ulnar deviation.

Here.
Grab my fingers, tight.

Okay.

Hey, where'd you
get this abrasion?

Who knows?

We were mobbed everywhere
we went in North Dakota.

Malls, restaurants.

Everyone wanted
to shake our hand

or touch us for good luck.

All that contact could have
led to an infection.

I need to run a blood test.

Doc, one time
I got my thumb caught

in the fifth wheel hitch
on my truck.

Damn near ripped my hand off.

And this hurts worse.

Well, okay.

I need a CT.

Maybe I should give
the money back.

Whoa, hey,
bite your tongue, man.

Evan, come here.

I need you to go
to the guest house

and get the CT scanner.

Okay, why?
What's going on?

Disproportionate pain
is a symptom

of a very specific infection.

What?

I need to test him for
necrotizing fasciitis.

He might be infected
by a totalitarian state?

A flesh-eating bacteria.

Whoa.

Yeah, that might qualify
as a lottery curse.

Hank, it's good to see you.

You too.
How are you, Evan?

Good.
Thank you.

Good.
Welcome home.

Thank you.
It's good to be here.

Yeah.
I'll see you both later, huh?

- Absolutely.
- Very good.

Okay.

Someone's in a good mood.

Yeah, I'll say.

Did you hear
what he just called me?

"Evan."
He actually said my...

I feel like I'm in
the Twilight Zone right now.

Hey, um...

You ever say anything
to Eddie about Boris?

Um, I might have mentioned

the mysterious
Russo-Czech-Italian accent

once or twice, but, no.

Why?

I went to his house
the other day

and I found Shadow Pond
letterhead.

So?

What if he threw
your birthday party

to steal the letterhead?

Are you actually being
serious?

So why don't you ask Dad
about the letterhead?

I will.
I will.

I'm just not sure if he'll give
me a straight answer.

All right.

Well, good news.

Your kidney function
is completely normal.

Oh, thank God.

I didn't want to admit it,
but I was terrified.

Me too.

I was just waiting for you
to ask for my other one.

Anti-nausea medication.

Take one tablet and let it melt

on your tongue every
six hours as needed

until you're feeling better.

I think that the best
prescription for you is rest.

She's going to bed right now.

Thank you.

Oh, well, it's our job.

I'll show you out.

Is that news?

Just please tell me I'm not

planning Roy's financial
future in vain.

It is definitely not
necrotizing fasciitis.

Oh, good.

I still don't know what's
causing the pain.

Hopefully things will get clearer

at the follow-up.

Boo!

She got you.

Oh, my God.

Wow.
What are you doing here?

Spa day.

I got us a couples massage
for your birthday.

You already got me a watch

that's giving everything
in my dresser

an inferiority complex.

So call this a one-week
anniversary present.

Okay, fine.

I just want to hang out
with you and a masseuse.

- Come on.
- Wait.

Hey, look.
You're killing me.

I have work to do today.

Like, I have to do it.

Can I get, like, a rain check?

Is it the kind of work
where someone will die

if you don't do it?

No, it's...
no, it's...

We have a client
who won the lottery

and, uh, they're
in desperate need

of a brilliant business mind.

Or yours.
Uh...

So be brilliant tomorrow.

Well, I really want
to get the financial plan

to them on Saturday as a gift
for their...

It's like a vow renewal thing.

Oh, yeah, I got the invite.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone in the Hamptons
got it,

'cause they invited everyone
in the Hamptons.

Oh, that's cute.

Insane, but cute.

Yeah, you should come.

Yeah, we'll see.

Come on, please.
Come with me.

You know, um, look, I...

I want to really, really bad,

but I can't.

So next time,
I promise it's gonna be

even better than
it would have been.

Okay.

Well, have fun.

Yeah, no...

I'll text you later, okay?

All right.
Bye, Hank.

So Tali and you seem
very close.

I mean, not many people
would have given

a kidney to an employee.

In a lot of ways,
Tali's more my family

than my blood relatives.

I mean, we're the only
two members

of the household
without law degrees.

Plus, I was the only one
who matched.

When the universe puts something
like that in front of you,

it's hard to deny.

Well, it sounds like the IV
antibiotics I gave you

are working.

Must have been an infection

and luckily not the one
that I thought.

Yeah, I feel a million
times better.

I had a cough this morning,
but that's it.

Well, that cough could
be the East Coast vegetation.

You're still new to that.

Hey, welcome
to hay fever country, buddy.

Well, we'll keep watching
the cough,

but, uh, I think you're ready
to party, my friend.

Good,

since I'll probably
be the only one there.

Still no RSVPs
from the neighbors?

Oh, come on.

We're lottery winners
from North Dakota.

What do these people care
about us renewing our vows?

But... but Ginnie...

Ginnie's small-town girl
through and through.

It's what I love about her.

She likes to see the world
as one big, happy family.

Well, we'll be there
and we'll make a lot of noise.

Evan will anyway.

What's that?

Oh, that's Walter.

Who's Walter?

Walter's their parrot.

He loves Foie Gras
and he has his own room.

It's bigger than mine.
It's like a whole room.

I may know what's
making you sick.

The pain's gotten worse since
I called you.

Tali, where does it hurt?

Where my kidney is.

Oh.

Ginnie...

This culture will
either confirm

or rule out whether
psittacosis...

Better known as "parrot fever"...

is the source of Roy's issue.

Oh, no.
Parrot fever?

That's impossible.

Walter's not a parrot.

He's a...
Macaw.

Right. No, no.

Psittacosis is an infection

that can be spread
from non-human animals

like hens, ducks, or macaws,
to humans.

The infection on your wrist
is probably from the bacteria.

It could also explain
your cough.

Roy, that's great news!

Wait.
Our Walter is sick?

Well, if he is,
we'll give you

the name of a good vet.

Oh, no, no.
We don't want a good vet.

We want the best.

We want a concierge vet.

They probably have that
in the Hamptons.

How could we have not known
our little guy was sick?

- I don't know.
- Hey, Roy, listen.

If you hadn't
had these symptoms,

Walter's illness could
have killed him.

Okay, but, doc, if I have
the, uh, "psittacoses",

then how come my wrist
is getting better?

Just "psittacosis".

And probably the meds
I prescribed masked the pain.

But I'll get you tetracycline,

Which will permanently knock out
the infection.

Dude, I told you it wasn't
some lotto curse

making you sick.

It was your parrot.

That's almost funny.

Hey, Divya.

Yeah, I'm on my way.
Excuse me.

It was your parrot
the whole time.

I said it was almost funny.

I consulted
with her nephrologist

and Tali's creatinine levels
are normal.

Her pain is localized
near the kidney,

but given the normal creatinine
levels,

I'm more inclined to suspect

the other culprit of lower-left
quadrant pain.

Oh!

It's gonna be okay, Tali.

Gonna be okay.

Which raises another problem.

I want to avoid a CT.

I mean, the dye has the
potential to damage her kidney.

I'll get the ultrasound.

Do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, no problem
with the aorta.

Kidney looks... fine.

Looks good, actually.

Ooh.

Yeah.
Ooh.

Yeah.

Okay, you see that pocket

on the wall of the colon?

It shows signs of inflammation.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

It's called diverticulitis.

Adam, we have to get her
to a hospital.

She needs treatment
and she needs observation

until the inflammation recedes

and that there's no danger
of a rupture.

I'll pack her stuff.
Okay, Tali.

You can button up.

Thank you for protecting
my kidney.

Is she stable enough
for me to drive her?

Yeah, she is.

To be safe, I'll drive.

It's on the way
and I can help you

with admittance
at Hamptons Heritage.

Okay.

That's very helpful.

Your vitals look great.

You seem surprised.

I'm pleased, amongst other things.

Must be the Cuban air.

Amongst other things.

Hank, I owe you
a debt of gratitude.

Oh, why is that?

If it weren't for you,
I don't think I would have

savored my stay in Cuba
as much as I did.

You mean 'cause I left?

The time I spent with Marisa

was very meaningful.

In fact, she's... coming
to live here at Shadow Pond.

You convinced Marisa
to defect?

She'll be here tomorrow.

I'm happy for both of you.

Thank you.

Is this Marco?

Yeah?
Why?

When?

Yeah, that was my
understanding.

They would lift it,
the travel ban.

Well, find out.

That's what you're paid for.

Marco, I want her on the plane.

You understand?

Hey, Divya.

Hey.

You're still here?

Whew.
Not for long.

I have a nice bottle
of Cabernet

waiting at home for me.

- Ooh.
- Hey, you care to join us?

Mmm, I'd love to,

but I need to check in
on a patient.

Oh, yeah.
How's she doing?

Uh, okay.
Better now.

Oh, whoa, look.
Divya...

That's the guy who donated
his kidney to his housekeeper?

Yes. Why?

Oh, no reason.

You just didn't mention
that he's kind of hot.

Is he?

Yeah.

I hadn't noticed.

He makes documentaries.

Okay.

I ought to go in
and see them.

Have fun with your Cabernet.

I will.

Have fun with your
hot documentarian.

She'll need to stay
a little while longer,

but Tali's gonna be fine.

She and your kidney
are gonna have

a long and happy life together.

Hmm, all three of us
are relieved to hear that.

Thank you, Divya.

Can I ask you something?

What made you give Tali
your kidney?

I used to call Tali "Mama".

I thought she was my mom.

Is your mother not alive?

Oh, no, she is alive
and kicking and...

Judging.

She doesn't approve
of my career.

She's never approved
of anyone I've dated.

If she hadn't
have given me my name,

she'd probably hate that too.

I come from a long line
of high-priced

personal injury attorneys.

Think, um, ambulance chasers,

except we don't have
to chase the ambulances.

They come to us.

The line stopped with me.

I can imagine.

Not doing what's expected
of you can be trying.

It was at first.

It was near impossible.

But Tali was always
there for me.

Well, you have returned
that in kind.

It was the least I could do.

Divya.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Didn't you wear that
yesterday?

Did you sleep here?

Divya, you...

You forgot your scarf.

I thought about keeping it,

but summer sage
just isn't my color.

Hey.

I'm engaged.

I didn't say anything.

I crashed unintentionally.

I didn't say anything.

I was concerned for Tali.

So was Adam.

I know.

You didn't say anything.

Divya, are you all right?

- I'm fine.
- Fine.

You know, I just need
to go home,

take a shower,
change my clothes.

I will see you
at the vow renewal.

Can't wait.

It's colorful.

Stop it.

What was I thinking?

What if no one comes?

We have all this food.

Back home, people show up early
just to help you set up.

All right, well,
welcome to HST.

"Hamptons Standard Time".

If you're on time,

you're actually inappropriately
early, so.

- HST?
- Uh-huh.

Whether that's real
or you're just trying

to make me feel better,
thank you.

Oh, no, no.

- Sweet.
- Yeah.

Yeah, no one's coming.

You know of a food bank
or something

they can donate
all this stuff to?

What happened to HST?

It actually stands for
"horribly sad turnout".

Okay.

God, I wish Paige were here
to see all this.

- To see all this?
- Yeah.

She'd get a kick out of it.

Why don't you call her?
Maybe she'll come.

I'm five texts
ahead of you, man.

- Nothing.
- Sorry, bro.

No, it's cool.

Guys.

Hey.

I don't think I can
go through with this.

You got cold feet?

I'd trade what I have
for cold feet any day.

Well what do you have?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How long has it been like this?

Since this morning.

Ginnie's been looking forward
to this wedding

for so long.

I don't want to ruin it
for her.

Something tells me
she'd notice that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This lottery curse
is unbearable.

Okay, okay.
On a scale from one to ten,

how bad is it?

If I had a saw, I would have
cut off my hand by now.

Okay.

This should decrease the pain

from the pressure
of the infected sinovial fluid.

There you go.

I'm gonna check
the fluid from this tap.

See, a high white cell count
is a symptom of psittacosis.

And in the meantime, I am
going to immobilize the wrist

by putting this splint
right here,

which should make you
a lot more comfortable.

Now, Roy, I really need you
to take it easy.

Doc, if you're thinking
I'd sit this out, you're crazy.

Give me this pain
in both wrists

before I let Ginnie miss out
on this wedding.

Even if we are the only ones
here to see it.

I hear you, bud.

I hear you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How's Tali?

Oh, better.

Those flowers will help.

Well, I hope so.
They're...

They're for you.

Um.

"Get well soon"?

It was better than
the bouquet that said,

"Sorry for your loss".

Why are you
giving me flowers?

I'm not.

I mean, I am along with Tali,
as a floral "thank you".

Oh.

I should go.

Right.

Uh, Divya?

Just out of curiosity,

I'm only mildly acquainted with
Indian decorative tradition,

But that ring on your finger...

I'm engaged.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

If the Hamptons don't...
I mean "doesn't"

want to start with me,
then I will start without them.

Ooh!
I mean "it".

Right.
Whatever.

Please find a seat.

It shouldn't be difficult.

Ginnie, Ginnie,
it'll be great.

The only people that truly
matter are already here.

Thank you.

Nice try.

Hi.

I have no idea who you are,
but I'm so happy you're here.

- Well, hi.
- Hi.

My name's Jill.
Congratulations.

I am a sucker for vow renewals.

- Oh!
- Hey.

You know who you should meet?

You... you have to meet Hank.

Oh.

He is a great guy.

- Thank... thank you.
- Well, hi.

So nice to meet you.

- Honey?
- Hmm?

Come on.

The officiant's charging
by the hour.

Oopsie.
Sorry.

I got to go, but have fun.

We are gathered here today
to celebrate

the love of Ginnie and Roy as
they renew their wedding vows.

Ginnie doll...

When we had nothing.

And...

Now that I can give
you anything,

because we have everything...

You will want for nothing.

Roy...

All the money
in the whole entire world

couldn't make me love you
any more than I already do.

And I don't care if there are
300 people here

or just us three.

This is the happiest day
of my life.

From the moment I first laid
eyes on you

at the Bowl and Wash,

I knew you were
the one for me, babe.

Remember that?

Ahem.

- I do.
- I do.

I do.

Congratulations.

Whoo!

I do.

All right.
Woo-hoo!

I guess Paige isn't coming.

Sorry, bro.

I never thought I'd get
choked up by a parrot

at a wedding.

I know.

It's as if wind beneath my wings

was written just for him.

Hors d'oeuvre?

Thank you.

That's a lot of cheese.

- Roy...
- Salami. Hey, doc.

Hey.

All this rich food...

I mean, how often do you eat
this kind of stuff?

When in the Hamptons.

And it makes Ginnie happy.

Anything for Ginnie.

Okay.

Ooh.

- Divya?
- Hmm?

We need to check Roy's fluid.
Do you have the microscope?

What do you see, doc?

Crystallized needles.

Needles?

No wonder my wrist hurts.

Yeah, it's...

it's not psittacosis.

Though it shares some
of the same symptoms,

Roy, you have gout,

the king of diseases
and the disease of kings.

The gout?
I have the gout?

Uh, it's just "gout".

How'd I get it?

Well, certain foods
are rich in uric acid.

Your body has problems getting
rid of the excess,

which crystallizes
in the joints.

These crystals look
like sharp needles,

which caused the pain
and inflammation.

And which is why you
have the redness,

the swelling, and the pain.

So how do I get rid
of the gout?

We get rid of the symptoms
of the gout...

I mean "gout"...
by regulating your diet.

And I'll write you
a prescription

for allopurinal,
which will help block uric acid.

So the lottery curse is real.

Money did make me sick.

It's the food you ate
after you won

the lottery that made you sick.

- Pate?
- No, thank you, he's good.

So just stick
to what you used to eat

and you will be fine.

I do Miss Cheetos.

Except for cheetos.

I think I heard that people

are just running late
around here, so.

No way.

Sorry I'm late.

Are you late?

I brought a few friends.

Yeah, I noticed that.

It's like Paige plus 100.

Hey, I love a good party.

Hi.

- One question.
- Um...

I tweeted it.

- You...
- oh.

That was not my question.

It's good to know.

Um, why did you go

through this much trouble
for a couple

you didn't even know?

I didn't do it for them.

Hey.

Marisa's not coming?

I'm sorry.

Is everything okay?

Marisa's been arrested.

Arrested?

In Cuba?

Well, are you flying down
to help?

No, I'm not.

Because I can't.

Surprise again.

What's this?
Twice in one week.

I feel like I've
won the lottery.

Really?
Listen.

I'm just about to have dinner.
Why don't you join me?

I'm not hungry.

Of course you are.
It's in our DNA.

This is meatloaf a la Lawson.

No, really.
Thank you, but no, thank you.

No, no, no.

It's okay.
You know what?

How about if I...

I'll order Chinese.
Italian?

Dad, no.
Wow.

You never listen.

Look.

Last time I was here,

I saw a blank letter
with a Shadow Pond letterhead

and what looked like to me

some attempt
at Boris's signature.

- You saw that?
- I saw that.

Wow.

I can't even imagine what you
must be thinking.

Yeah, it didn't look great.

No, I've got
a great explanation.

I'm sure you do,

but I don't want
an explanation.

Okay, all right.

So why are you here?

You're not in Passaic anymore.

And what does that mean?

That means Boris
operates at a level...

let's just say
it's beyond your reach.

Light years beyond.

What are you smiling about?

What's so funny?

'cause you're
worried about me.

My boy cares, huh?

Okay, don't... don't touch.

You care.

It's not because I care.

It's because I threw that
great party for Evan, isn't it?

I did good, didn't I?

You did all right.

I know.

Don't get so excited.
I said, "all right".

No, but you're finally seeing

that I'm not such
a bad guy after all.

Maybe.

But let's hope you're not
a day late and a dollar short

or in this case,
three days late.

See you around.

I used it for
the party invitations.

- What?
- The stationery.

I told you I don't
want an explanation.

Yeah.

And I never listen.

Look out!
You got her?

- Where is she?
- I have no idea.

Okay, that was...

that was a wardrobe
malfunction that time.

We used to be so good.

Well, times change,
my friends.

Another round.

Let's take a break, GI Jane.

Hi, HankMed.

Hi.

Excuse me for a minute.

Evan.

Hey, Dad.

I'm a nincompoop.

You're...
that's quite an icebreaker.

No, no, no.
Listen.

I forgot the date.

I forgot the damn date.
No, no, no.

Dad, it's cool.
I'm so sorry.

No, it is not.
It's fine.

How could I forget
my son's birthday?

It's only one of the
two greatest days of my life.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Carry on!

Although... hey, Dad,
while you're here,

you want to play some laser tag
for old time's sake?

It's fine with me
as long as you're okay

with Divya destroying you.

That's the beautiful part
of it.

He's horrible, right?

Dad's horrible,
so we just play two and two.

We give Divya dad,
so she's saddled up

with, like,
a massive weak spot,

then we can actually win.

You know he can hear you?

Yeah, no, no, and I'm loving
every word of it.

You know, I would love
to be on your team, Divya,

and just take you both down,

but I have someplace to go.

- Can I have a rain check?
- Mm-hmm.

Show them no mercy.

- Okay, thanks.
- Bye.

I can't... it should be you
and me versus her.

Yeah.

Bring it.

All right.

All right, so, um,
I'm a take the left flank.

All right, you take the right.

So...
I'll take...

You take the left.

Well, just listen.

One, two, three,
take no prisoners!

I'll take the right.

Good call.

Wow.
You must be Boris, huh?

I've heard a lot about you.

Eddie R. Lawson.

Yes, I know who you are,
Mr. Lawson.

I know exactly who you are.

You don't know the half of it.

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