Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 9 - Episode #6.9 - full transcript

- [Man] Hi honey.

What's for dinner?

Huh?

- You.

(audience laughing)

- In All in the Family,

I don't have any
prejudices whatsoever.

I mean, how could I
have any prejudices

and a Polish husband?

(audience laughing)

- Admiral Harris.



Admiral Harris.

Message for Admiral Harris.

- I'm Admiral Harris, son.

What's the message?

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

You ever thought of joining
the Johnny Mann Singers?

(audience laughing)

- I always go to football games,

because I love all the grabbing
and tackling and pileups,

and that's only while I'm
trying to get to my seat.

(audience laughing)

- An Indian woman is no
different than a paleface woman.

I can hardly wait till
my children grow up



and get off my back.

- Oh, it's our pleasure
to let you have the loan.

Sure, but if you don't repay it,

up comes your mother-in-law.

(audience laughing)

Hi.

- I'd like to get a loan.

- Keep dressing
that way sweetheart,

and you're gonna
be alone, an awful lot.

(audience laughing)

- I could lick that bum.

Look at him, short little
shrimp with a flat head,

and a bow tie.

- That's the referee.

(audience laughing)

- So what's he hittin' me for?

- Dick is so sweet.

When I first came on the show,

he insisted on
going over my lines.

Now, if I could
just get somebody

to check the
lines in the script?

(audience laughing)

- My shoes are pinching my feet.

- Well of course they are,
they can't reach any higher.

I'll pinch everything else.

(audience laughing)

- We're having trouble
maintaining altitude.

- We'll have to use emergency
procedure 7-J, you ready?

- Ready.

- Yes.
- Excuse me sir,

but this hat my wife bought me,

just doesn't fit right.

("Pop Goes the Weasel")

- Yes it does.

- Oh, that's better.

Thank you.

(audience laughing)

(girl screaming)

- Hey.

(smacking)

(audience laughing)

- Did he come to save you?

He always does that.

Now, where were we?

- You were strangling me.

- Oh yes, yes.

- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank

Museum of Modern
Art and Delicatessen,

NBC, the no brilliant
comedy network,

presents, and
tries to laugh off,

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring,

the intellectually
arresting Dan Rowan,

and the mentally
arrested, Dick Martin,

with guest star Sally Struthers,

plus Ruth Buzzi,

Dennis Allen, Richard Dawson,

Moosie Drier and Tod
Bass, Patti Deutsch,

Sarah Kennedy,

Jud Strunk,

Willie Tyler and Lester,

with cameo guests, Jack Benny,

Sue Ann Langdon, and
me, I'm Gary Owens,

with this word
for you life guards.

Help!

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

- Ahh!

Just to keep you on your toes.

- And now we'd like to have
you meet our special guest,

star of All in the Family,
Miss Sally Struthers.

(audience applauding)
(Dick cheering)

- Hi guys.

- Hi.

- This is gonna be so much fun.

I just love both of you.

- Okay, but me first.

- Listen Dick, do you,
I'll bet you don't know.

- I'll bet I do know.

- No no, no, no, no.

I'll bet you don't
know that Sally's

one of the great
impressionists of our time.

- You're putting me on.
- She does,

no I'm not.

- She is?

- Give me a microphone.

- Oh, I'd like to hear
Humphrey Bogart.

- Oh, no no, anybody
does Humphrey Bogart.

Even you do Humphrey Bogart.
- Lyle Talbot, I'd like

to hear Lyle Talbot.

- Sally does impressions
that no one else does.

- Oh yeah?

- Except maybe Rob, who
taught her a lot that she does.

Do an elephant.

(Sally blowing between her lips)

Two elephants.

(Sally blowing between her lips)

(audience laughing)

- I'd rather hear Lyle Talbot.

- No no, wait a minute.

Wait'll you hear, an explosion.

(Sally blowing on mic)

Two explosions.

(Sally blowing on mic)

(audience laughing)

Now, you want to hear,
she does great crowd noises.

- Crowd noises.

- Do a crowd noise.

- Sig heil (breathing on mic).

- Yeah, how about it

for one of America's
great impressionists?

- Yay.

(bright funny music)

(tires squealing)

(audience laughing)

- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

(audience applauding)

- Thank you, good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

- Wait a minute, Dan, he's back.

- Who's back?

- Jack Benny.

- Jack!

Jack Benny.

(audience applauding)

- It's so nice to see you.

Hey, you're not on the
show tonight, are you?

- No.

No, I was just in
the neighborhood,

and I just wanted to say hello.

- Well, that's wonderful, Jack.

It's great to see you.

Hey, as long as
you're here Jack,

could you do us a favor?

Would you do a
couple of jokes for us?

- Well, let's see if
I can think of one.

Here, look,

you ask me, you see, you ask me,

if my eyes are really blue.

(Dan and Jack
talking over each other)

- We don't want you to
waste one of your own jokes.

- Oh no, we have
plenty of jokes.

- Are they good?

- Well, yeah, they were,

they were written originally
for some of our guest stars,

who didn't have time
to do them, you see.

- You want me to do
somebody else's jokes?

- Sure, it doesn't make
any difference Jack.

A good joke's, a good joke.

It doesn't make any
difference who does it.

Look, why don't you
read that one right there.

- Yeah.

That's a good one.

- All right.

Well, okay.

We really had to
do things quickly

on the old I Love Lucy show.

I remember during
one commercial,

while most of our viewers
went to the refrigerator,

I gave birth to Desi, Junior.

(audience laughing)

Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?

- That joke must have
been written for Lucille Ball.

I can't do her jokes.

- Why not, Jack?

Everybody loved it.

- Sure, try another one.

Now, this one here.

I'll give you the
straight line, okay?

Lucy?

- Lucy?

- Yeah, Lucy,

for the past 20 years, you've
been the queen of television.

Now, who was it before you?

- Milton Berle?

(audience laughing)

Good heavens, it's working.

Yeah, I might have
a whole new show.

I Love Benny.

And I do.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Hello, Clark Kent?

Listen, take off that
rumpled suit, and shape up,

because this is
a call from your,

Super Mom.

Son, listen, I was hoping

you'd come home
for dinner tonight.

You can't, why?

Listen, you'll save
Pittsburgh tomorrow.

I'll fix chicken liver for you.

How do you expect
to leap tall buildings

in a single bound, if you
don't eat your chicken liver?

And another thing,

when are you getting married?

How about that
nice little Lois Lane?

She's got such a nice figure.

All padding?

I'm ashamed of you,
you know your x-ray vision

is supposed to used
for good, not evil.

Listen, I gotta go now,
my liver is burning.

So get your super
self over here,

faster than a speeding bullet.

It's a bird, it's a
plane, it's Super Mom.

(audience laughing)

(Ruth whimpering)

- Well I suppose this means
that dinner isn't ready yet?

(audience laughing)

- This one's on me.

- Do you know that Audrey
Hepburn burned her bra,

and lit up the countryside
for three inches around?

(audience laughing)

- The bargain
basement story, take two.

Get one free.

- During lunch,
Sister Mary Margaret

dropped her hymn
book in the pea soup.

- I wonder if the Father
gave her a split penance?

- You've been playing with
Sister Mary Youngman again.

- Speaking of Philadelphia,

I was in a chapel so small,

that even the church
mice were humpback.

I mean it was so small,

when you put the
key in the front door,

it broke a stained glass window.

(audience laughing)

- [Both] Sister Mary Youngman.

- Please.

- Okay now, men.

Tomorrow night, we'll hit the
beach at 1900 hours, right?

Don't forget Jones,
you bring the weenies.

Morgrove, you bring the beer.

I'll get the broads.

(audience laughing)

- So, you havin' any fun, Sally?

- Oh, I'm just so
happy to even be here.

Everything happens so fast.

- You're right, and
if we don't hurry up,

we're gonna miss
the cocktail party.

(all screaming)

(audience laughing)

- That was a pretty fast
cocktail party, wasn't it?

- Yeah, want to see it again?

- When secretly meeting
with Elizabeth Taylor,

in a small motel,
in Tierra del Fuego,

Richard Burton surprised
her in a warm embrace,

and said, it will
do no good to go,

pookie, pookie, pookie.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, ha ha ha ha.

- Hey, would you
make me a sandwich?

- I'd be glad to.

(zapping)

- Very funny, very funny.

(audience laughing)

- When it comes to strippers,

Gypsy Rose Lee was the best.

You really gotta take
your hat off to her,

and your coat, and your
tie, and your shirt, and your...

- Oh hi honey, I'm home.

- Hi.

- Hi, you know, I don't
swing like I used to.

- You don't go from tree
to tree too well, either.

(audience laughing)

- Hold your mother.

(door slamming)

Ethiopian in the fuel supply.

Good evening, my dear.

Barkeep?

I shall need to take

some of your very best whiskey.

You gained a
little weight there,

thank you, thank you.

Ah yes,

I seem to detect a
slight alkaline odor.

I shall have to try
another one if I may.

I have been known to
make mistakes, you know.

My first wife for instance.

(audience laughing)

Ah.

It's very quiet here
tonight, isn't it?

- That'll be two dollars.

- Ah, very good.

There's my card.

I am with the state
liquor commission.

I'm an examiner.

- Wait a minute, it doesn't
say anything on here

about the liquor commission.

- No, of course it doesn't.

That's because I am
incognito, for the moment.

- Well if you ask me, I
think you're a deadbeat.

- I didn't ask you, did I?

(audience laughing)

You just hold your tongue.

(audience applauding)

You know in my game,
you can never be too careful.

Just a dash of alkaline.

As I was saying, it's
my duty to warn you,

that this establishment will
be under constant surveillance,

for the next two hours.

- By whom?

- By me, that's whom.

And I shall take this, and this,

and this.

Just as I thought,
a cheap clip on.

And this bottle,

to help me while away the time.

Now if you're at home,
you're probably wondering

why this sketch has
ended, so quickly.

(audience laughing)

That is because the writer
keeled over, without an ending.

(audience laughing)

We used it, because
we advanced him.

Four dollars.

And I'm prepared
to split three of them

with you, my dear.

Follow me.

(audience laughing)

Great pleasure working with you.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

That won't be a song, too.

(bright fun music)

(tires squealing)

(audience laughing)

Let's hear it for the fatties

Let's hear a big hooray

It takes a lot of
pizza And pasta

And candy And
cookies And ice cream

To make us look this way

It takes imagination
to wind up big and fat

So when you meet a fatty
you should always think of that

We try out every diet

We put them to the test

We've waded through the Stillman

The Mayo High
protein Low calorie

The grapefruit
Shut and all the rest

No appetite supressants

Your presents are so long

And being kind of roly
poly isn't doing wrong

I mean I'm hungry
I'm always hungry

I look at anything
that's edible I'm hungry

I'm hot for sugar
I'm hot for starches

We put such tonnage on
we're breaking down the arches

We do our exercises

We're here to make us swim

We do a lot of
sauna And push ups

And barbells And
jogging And swimming

In every sort of gym

We do a lot of sweating
We do a lot of that

But when we see
lasagna linguine spaghetti

Or noodles And
cashews And pecans

And chocolate And
waffles And syrup

And whipped cream And spongecake

We're awfully glad we're fat

(audience applauding)

- Oh honey, don't
forget your lunchbox.

- Oh, yes.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, my friend is so fat,

that on Halloween, he goes
out dressed as a building.

(audience laughing)

- Hi hon, I'm home.

- Oh good, would you
like a big dinner tonight?

- No no, just a light snack.

- Okay, I'll send out
to elephant delight.

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

- You know, being
fat can be expensive.

I went to a massage
parlor the other night,

and had to pay
for a crew of six.

(audience laughing)

- Next week
we'll start our diet.

(audience laughing)

- [Woman] Excuse me.

- What can I do for you?

- Well, I'd like to return
a bathroom scale.

- What's wrong with it?

- I don't know, I
only used it once,

and look what happened to it.

(audience laughing)

- You know you're fat, when
you stand in an empty lot,

and door-to-door salesmen
knock on your belt buckle.

(audience laughing)

- My brother is really fat,

but it helped him
land a good job.

- [Unknown Voiceover] Yeah?

- Yeah, he's a stand-in for
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

(audience laughing)

- What's a game
that fat people play?

- I don't know, what?

- Chubby Checkers.

(audience laughing)

- All right, fellow fatties,

the meeting will
now come to order.

Everyone be seated.

(crashing)

(audience laughing)

- I heard that they're
putting out a calendar

that features
pictures of nude men.

Burt Reynolds is January,

and William Conrad
is the rest of the year.

- You know you're fat,

when you go in for a tattoo,

and the guy uses a roller.

- Clothing is a
problem to fat people.

- [Unknown
Voiceover] Is that so?

- It certainly is.

It's not so much
getting into the clothes,

it's getting into the shops.

(audience laughing)

- Welcome to the bridal suite.

(upbeat jazz music)

(audience laughing)

- Hey, you know you're fat,

when people walk
up to you on a street,

and yell, hey taxi.

(audience laughing)

- You know, I always
know when I've had enough.

I pop.

(audience laughing)

- You know you're fat,
when you buy a sports car,

and the salesman asks if
you want to wear it home.

- You know, fat people
float in the ocean

better than skinny people.

- Is that so?

- Yes, but they have
two additional dangers,

harpoons, and
affectionate whales.

(audience laughing)

- You sure you want me
to play on your team coach?

- We gotta have you, without
you we've got no game.

- Yeah, but what do I play?

- Left field, center field,

right field.

(audience laughing)

Back stop.

- I know a fat jockey
who didn't do too well

in last Saturday's race.

He, the horse, and
the starting gate,

all came in last.

(audience laughing)

- Bleachers, popcorn stand,

(audience laughing)

parking lot.

Right field fence.

We're always on a
diet We do a lot of that

But when we see
lasagna Linguine Spaghetti

Or noodles Or cashews Or pecans

And chocolate And
waffles and syrup

And whipped cream and spongecake

And chocolate eclairs

(confused shouting)
(audience applauding)

- I once heard a
hundred year old man

say he owed his long life

to not drinking, not smoking,

and not fooling
around with evil women.

He also said those were
the same three reasons

for his hundred
years of boredom.

(audience laughing)

- Help, help.

- I've come to
save the one I love.

- Well, you might
as well take him,

I can't get anywhere with him.

- I thought that the
question and answer period

would be a pretty good
segment of the show.

- Hey fellas.

- Hi Jack.

- Excuse me, but
I think you're right.

- About what?

- I'd like to do another one
of those Lucille Ball jokes.

- Oh, well I'm sorry Jack,

we're all out of Lucy jokes.

But, hey, here's
one for John Wayne.

See that John Wayne card, you
want to do a John Wayne joke?

- John Wayne?

- Yeah.

- Gee, I don't know,
we're not much alike.

- So what, Jack?

A good joke...
- Is a good joke.

- Okay, all right,
you ready to try it?

Duke?

- Duke?

- Okay Duke, what's
the code of the old west?

- Well,

a guy once told me,

kid, shoot first, and
ask questions later.

I was gonna ask him why,

but I had to shoot him first.

(audience laughing)

- That was great, Duke.

- Yeah, that's swell, Duke.

- Duke.

Yeah, I like that.

Has a nice ring to it.

Duke Benny rides again.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- I just don't know
about this, Dick.

Jack's no John Wayne.

- You're right, with
a walk like that,

it's more like Lucille Ball.

(audience laughing)

- The reason doctors'
fees are so high

is because their
expenses have gone up.

Do you know that in
the last two years alone,

the price of golf
balls has doubled?

(audience laughing)

- Hi hi hi.

(audience laughing)

hi.

A big hi to you.

- At least everybody now knows

what you look like
with your clothes off.

(audience laughing)

Would you tell me something?

Now why would a grown
man dress like a chicken?

- To get to the other side.

(audience laughing)

- Now why are you
dressed like that?

- Well now isn't it obvious?

- No.

- This is to attract
the opposite sex.

- Well in your case,
there is no opposite sex.

Why a chicken suit?

- Well, you see I've
always had difficulty

striking up a conversation
with a strange woman.

- Yes, I've noticed that.

What's this gonna do for you?

- Now, when a woman
walks by, she stops,

remarks about my outfit,

one thing leads to another,

then I nail her.

- Now that's the stupidest
way I've ever heard

of attracting
attention of girls.

- Well, it's better
than my old way.

- What was your old way?

- I used to set fire to my hair.

(audience laughing)

- And you think
this outfit's gonna

do the trick for you
with girls now, huh?

- Well, trick might be an
unfortunate word there.

However, it almost worked.

- This device.

- This device.

- Yes.

- It almost worked last night.

- What happened?

- I was sitting in
this bar, you see,

and somebody sat
down next to me,

and I said, how'd
you like to have

a chicken nibble on your ear?

And then it happened.

- [Dan] What happened?

- He hit me right across
the beak with his lunch pail.

(audience laughing)

- Women aren't gonna
go for a silly thing like that.

They go for things like,

I love the way the moonlight
caresses your silken hair.

- [Dick] Look at me
when you say that.

- The soft warm glow
of your velvet skin,

the deep blue pools
of ecstasy in your eyes.

- Dan?

- Yes.

- Nail me.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Now cut that out.

That's a stupid idea.

- Well, I'll show you.

It's gonna work, I'll prove it.

Here comes a girl
now, now watch it.

- Here comes a girl.

(Dick making chicken noises)

- My that certainly
is an interesting

jacket you have on.

- I told you a thousand
times, stay away from weirdos.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Ho ho ho.

- What are you made up for?

- Well, I know
it's a little early,

but Christmas I always like
to spend in Fort Lauderdale.

(audience laughing)

- This is my lucky day.

- Is it?

- I found a four leaf clover.

(audience laughing)

- Excuse me, but
your wife called.

Here's your message.

- Thank you.

There's nothing written here.

- I know, she
isn't talking to you.

(audience laughing)

- One nice thing about
doing a show from Hollywood,

is that there's talented
people all over the place.

Take Dick and Dan,

they had some talented people

over at their place
just the other night.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Mister Benny,
I'm Sarah Kennedy.

- Oh, hello Sarah.

Look, have you got a minute?

- Why sure.

- Well look, Dan and
Dick are nice fellas,

but they've got me
doing something silly.

Telling jokes written
for someone else.

- Well like what?

- Well, listen to this one.

It was written for Dean Martin.

I just bought myself
a swinging pad.

It's on a cliff
overlooking the ocean.

It's what I've always wanted,

a house on the rocks, with
a little water on the side.

(audience laughing)

- That's funny, do you know?

- But it's for Dean Martin.

I don't drink, I don't
fool around with girls.

I don't smoke cigarettes, or...

- That's too bad.

I just love men that smoke

and drink and fool
around with girls.

- Oh.

Everybody loves
somebody sometime

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Help, help, help.

- I will save you Nell.

- Oh, thank you.

- He won't bother you anymore.

- Thank you.

- I thought they'd never leave.

- Me too.

- This your first year at Aspen?

- And now let's see
what's happening

at the home of
the Family Farkel,

where Fanny is expecting
an infant any day now.

We hear Ferd Verfel say...

- Well, I'm expecting
an infant any day now.

- And I am expecting my friend
from Farmington any day now.

- I wonder if it could
be the same person.

- Hark, who can that be?

(doorbell ringing)

Excuse me Frank.

- All right Ferd.

- Hi, I'm Frank's friend from
Farmington, remember me?

- Can't say as I do.

Frank Farkel here.

Fanny Farkel, Frank's
friend from Farmington.

Ferd, friend, Darkel Farkel.

- Hey baby.

- And her.

- Hi.

- Flicker Farkel, what's
new from Farmington friend?

- Well Frank, by
father's father Fred,

was the first family
founding father of Farmington,

and one of the few
farmers who fed his flocks

and fertilized his fields

with Frank Faulkner's
famous fodder.

His father was a first
family founding father,

and one of the few farmers
who was fabulously far-sighted,

and foresaw a fantastic
future in fluke floundering

forester first.

- No, can't say I do.
- He was often found

frequenting farms,
frequenting fat fed flocks,

furnishing familiar
fundamental foods

for flunky friends,
flagrant fanatics,

and 44 people
find it funny dice.

His faith furnished
the fuel for a final filing

of favorable federal functions,

and Fred fast found
fame and a flurry of flattery,

as a fellow in a fraternity
of founding fathers,

and first families
of Farmington.

He faded from Farmington in '55.

- Hi.

- It was Florence
Flaherty, a free-wheeling

fly-by-night floozie.

- Don't fail to be fascinated

for the next forthcoming Farkel,

as Ferd says...

(Frank's friend still
talking in the background)

- I wonder if the
infant will arrive

before Frank's friend finishes.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- They say that the
way to a man's heart

is through his stomach.

Any detours are up to you.

- I don't know how
you do it, Father.

It takes me hours
to hear confession,

and you're done in no time.

- Well, it's all because of
my new express confessional.

Six sins our less.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Meg Cracken
again, and let's hear it

for the folks over at
Bird's Nest Food Company,

makers of french fried kumquats,

glazed with eight ounces
of Good and Plenty

Mexican jumping beans.

(audience laughing)

Well now, Bird's Nest is
introducing something really new.

It's a sit down dinner
for 16, in a box.

Although how you can get 16
people in a box is beyond me.

(audience laughing)

Listen, if you'd like
to have a free sample

of this new Bird's
Nest taste thrill,

just send me your name
and address stamped

on the back of a cheeseburger,

and hurry, I'm starved.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, honey I'm home.

You know I was chased
all day, all the way home,

by an elephant.

Do you think he
wants to kill me?

- No, I think he just
probably wants to go steady.

- I'm not saying
that the other Farkels

discriminate against me,

but how come I always have
to sleep near a wood pile?

(audience laughing)

- Well it's time for this
year's first and finest

Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.

- And who gets
the initial installment

of the intrepid
indicator this evening?

- Our all-time
winner, that's who.

- You don't mean...

- Yes, sirree, that paragon
of imperfection, the Pentagon.

- Don't tell me they went
and lost the building?

- Not yet.

But they've got time.

No, they have developed a
new $15,000 amphibious truck,

called the Gama Goat.

- What does it do,
eat enemy jeeps?

- No, according to the story
from the Associated Press,

it's not doing anything.

As a matter of fact, over
4000 of these vehicles,

designed to roar through
combat and water,

are just sitting in a warehouse.

- What's wrong with them?

Are they conscientious
objectors?

- Not exactly.

You see, according
to the field test,

there are over 180 different
things wrong with them,

including a tendency to sink.

- Whoo, boy, I'll bet the
Army's upset about that.

- Au contraire mon ami,

they consider the
program a roaring success.

In the words of Major
General Vincent H Ellis,

and I quote,

in its assigned role, the
Gama Goat will perform better

than any other vehicle known
in the world today, end quote.

- Sure, if you're looking
for the world's first

manned six-wheel anchor.

- So, here it is Pentagon,

The Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.

- So just stick this in your
warehouse with your Gama Goats.

It doesn't do anything either.

- Kind of sits there.

(audience applauding)

I'm bored Bored
with the neon Bored

Bored with the night clubs

Bored with the parties
Bored with the blues

Bored with the laughter
Bored with the news

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way, we pray is
diverting Terribly gay

With nobody hurting

We would love to
give you our views

La da dee da

On this occasion
ladies look at the news

With Dan and Dick
(audience applauding)

- [Gary] And now
ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the Laugh-In news,

with Dracula risen
from the grave,

evangelists looking
for people to save,

Milton Berle dressed like a WAV,

and there was an old
hermit named Dave,

and now with the news,

here's Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

- First these headlines.

- Syndicate rubs out
owner of eraser factory.

- Jockey shorts sued,
lawyer files briefs.

- Hollywood agents go
on strike, nobody notices.

- And now, due to
troubles we can't overcome,

here with the news
of the present, is Dick.

- Sydney, Australia.

Reports that some
restaurant owners

have been putting kangaroo meat.

- [Dan] Been putting what?

- Kangaroo meat
in their ground beef.

That strikes me as amusing Dan.

And this was verified
today when a local inspector

had to swallow his
hamburger eight times.

(audience laughing)

By George, that's an
amusing item isn't it?

The lighter side of the news.

Louisville, Kentucky.

Harlow Fenton, the
human charcoal briquette,

gave another outstanding
performance today at the circus,

when he leaped
off a 200 foot tower

into a flaming barbecue grill.

The audience immediately
jumped to its feet

and yelled, well
done, well done.

(audience laughing)

And now, with news
of the future, here's uh,

- Dan, Dan.

- No no, I'm Dick, you're Dan.

Can't you get anything straight?

- News of the future, 20
years from now, New York.

After learning that the
city's going to spend

$24,000,000 to renovate
Yankee Stadium,

a group of slum-dwellers
living in rundown tenements

announced their plan
to get better housing.

They're going to
start a baseball team.

(audience laughing)

The United States,
20 years from now.

The United States,
20 years from now.

After 150 years, the
War Between the States

has broken out again.

Immediately Vietnam,
Cambodia, and Laos,

rushed to the aid of the south,

with 500,000 heavily
armed advisors.

A spokesman for the
government in Washington,

protested, saying, why
don't those foreigners

mind their own business?

Don't they know
this is a civil war?

(audience laughing)

Now, across the sea, to
the land of the rising sun.

- Hello, from Japan.

(gong crashing)

I am talking to you tonight,

through one of our new
transistorized microphones.

It is the smallest
microphone in the world.

You can barely see it,
right there on the table.

It is no bigger than a fly.

- A fly?

Here, I'll get it.

(audience laughing)

- With a hot showbiz item,

here is nationally known
columnist, Joan Crosby.

- The latest craze among
Hollywood celebrities,

is collecting antique
liquor bottles.

So far, the biggest collection
belongs to Dean Martin,

who owns over 500 bottles,

some of them dating as
far back as last Tuesday.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, how are you?

Doctor Martha Wilby
here with the medical news.

A well-known surgeon, who put
himself through medical school

as a comedian, just
revealed he does not use

anesthetics during surgery.

When I work, he
declared, nobody sleeps.

(audience laughing)

- Here's the news
from the old sod.

- With Pat and Mike.

- Terence O'Shaughnessy
was arrested yesterday

and charged with
a terrible crime.

- Ah, the police picked
him up and charged him

with being sober on
Saint Patrick's Day.

- Ah, saints preserve us, the
man's an obvious impostor.

- Speaking of Dublin,

Mister Sean O'Reilly
claimed to the Irish press,

that he had not only
found a real live leprechaun,

but one that loves to drink.

- Yes, and when he was
asked how he came to know this,

Mister O'Reilly said,
well he must love whiskey,

because when I ain't drinkin'

the little devil never shows up.

(audience applauding)

- Hi there.

Here's the bald news
off the top of my head.

(audience laughing)

New hope was given to
the world's skinheads today,

when it was revealed
that six months ago,

Doctor Jonas Salk
transplanted 20 tons

of hair follicles
on Mount Baldy.

Today, only a few months later,

Mount Baldy has
a full head of hair,

and perfect skiing conditions,

due to six inches of dandruff.

(audience laughing)

How was that?

Back to you, Dan and Dick.

- And now a special
hot report from hell.

(bell ringing)

- Oh, hell's bells,
here's the news.

(audience laughing)

Well, the Marquis
de Sade was dragged

through the sulfur pits again,

then flogged and
dipped into molten lead.

The strange thing is,
we still can't convince him

he's not in heaven.

(audience laughing)

Today Anne Boleyn
made a hysterical,

get that, a hysterical,
scene at lunch.

She walked in with her head
tucked underneath her arms,

and she says, what have you got?

Now, get this.

I said, how about
a couple of chops?

She says, a couple of chops?

How do you think I got here?

(audience laughing)

Oh, my goodness.

- [Gary] Goodness,
eh? You're fired.

- Oh boy, down here, when
you're fired, you're fired.

Oh, hold it down.
(audience applauding)

- Now, to Willie Tyler and
Lester, for the minority news.

- Greetings ladies
and gentlemen,

and welcome to
the minority news,

brought to you in living color.

- Mostly black.

- Here's tonight's
news, dateline Houston.

NASA today announced
that on the upcoming

three man lunar flight,

for the first time the crew
will include a black astronaut.

- What happened?

They need a chauffeur
for the moon rover?

(audience laughing)

- Would you be cool? Relax.

(audience laughing)

Think we'd better move on.

Dateline Los Angeles,
black capitalism

took a step forward today,

when a company in
Watts began manufacturing

flesh-colored
band-aids for blacks.

- Yeah, and they
come in three colors,

Slappy White, Vida
Blue, and H. Rap Brown.

Can I relax again?

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- We now bring you
an informal interview

with Missus Carol Jackson,

of the Masters and
Jackson sex institute.

Missus Jackson, what do you

and your husband
do for relaxation?

- Well, you usually find
him puttering around

under the hood of our car,

or else he's off to the
shop to get new parts,

while I spend most of my
time keeping my garden up.

It seems like I'm either
setting gopher traps,

or working on the lawn.

Yesterday alone, I had to pick
up two quarts of weed-killer,

and, oh yes, six
bags of fertilizer.

- Look what would happen
if an unscrupulous editor

got a hold of that interview.

Where did you and your husband

first fall in love,
Missus Jackson?

- Under the hood of our car.

(audience laughing)

- What do you advise
older people to do

to revitalize their sex lives?

- Get new parts.

(audience laughing)

- What have you found

to be the most successful
method of birth control?

- Gopher traps.

(audience laughing)

- Is there really any known
effective aphrodisiac?

- Two quarts of weed-killer.

(audience laughing)

- One last question,
Missus Jackson.

Is perfume a stimulant?

- Oh yes.

- Oh really?

Well, what do you wear?

- Six bags of fertilizer.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Here with the
senior citizen report,

is that same old
dingbat that reports it.

- I'll do it when I'm
ready, you hamburgers.

Now, there's old news tonight.

Four pounds of bacon.

Give me that.

There's old news tonight.

They'll put a cup there.

The annual soft-boiled
egg-eating contest

was held yesterday,
to see who could eat

the most eggs in one hour.

And the winner?

97 year old Lloyd
Eat-Em-Up Pillmore,

who set a new record,

when he managed to
completely consume one egg.

- We now take you
to a remote village

in the wilds of Africa,

where it has been reported

that there has not
been a single illness

in the last 50 years.

- To what do you owe
your remarkable record

of overcoming illness?

- Well, you see I
treat all my patients

with this miracle potion,
and they no longer sick.

I think I hear one coming now.

- Oh oh.

- I'll show you how it works.

- Ohhh, have I got a headache?

Ohhhh.

- Have a little taste.

- Thank you.

- Good heavens, he's dead.

- Yeah, but he ain't sick.

(audience laughing)

La da de da

Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.

(audience applauding)

- And now as a public service,

an item from Laugh-In's
personals column.

To Shirley, Arlene,
Sally, Judy, Carol,

Edna, Harriet, and Marsha,

I need you and I want
you, please come back.

Love, Brigham.

(audience laughing)

- Sister, what are you doing?

- I'm praying for
the whole world.

- Oh but sister,
even if you got it,

what would you do with it?

(audience laughing)

- Well, you've been talking to
Sister Mary Youngman again.

- In Pittsburgh, the Bishop
has flat feet, rest his soles.

- [Both] Oh, that
Sister Mary Youngman.

- Please.

- Remember, he who laughs last,

isn't watching
Gilligan's Island.

(audience laughing)

- Are you ready for your
next joke, Mister Benny?

- Look Ruth, I want to
tell my own jokes, okay?

You see, when I first met Mary.

- Oh wait a minute, Jack.
- That's my wife.

- This one, I know
you're gonna like.

It's the best one yet.

Just try it.

Cue card boy,
would you come over

and hold the card right there
so Mister Benny can see it?

You read off the
card, Mister Benny.

- Well, if you say so.

Take my wife, please.

Where's the rest of it?

- That's it.

Maybe you're reading it wrong.

Try again.

Go ahead.

- Take my wife, please.

Say, whose joke is this?

- Oh, Henny Youngman's.

He gets screams with it.

- He gets screams with,
take my wife, please?

- Uh huh.

- Wait a minute
then, I think I got it.

- Good.

- Take Henny
Youngman's wife, please.

- Just keep working on it.

(audience laughing)

- I'll get this, if it's
the last thing I do.

Take my wife, please.

Please, take my wife.

For heavens sake, will
somebody take my wife?

(audience laughing)

- When I first started
in show business,

I was worried about
not having bigger parts.

Then I found out that
acting is more important

than how you're built.

- Merry Christmas to all of you.

- Hey Dan and Dick, but
I have a few items here

that have been
left by the audience.

- Wait a moment, please.

Do I have a proposition for you?

- All right, but first,
another mildly amusing

sneeze impression.

- Senator, are you
against filibustering?

- Yes, in fact the other day

I made a five hour
speech against it.

And I'm gonna tell
you something else.

- Now, that sneeze impression.

Okay.

- [Dan] A sneeze impression.

- Raquel Welch, sneezing.

- Raquel Welch.

- Achoo.

- Bless you.

(audience laughing)

- Brilliant performance.

Brilliant.

She'll go far, that young lady.

Now, as I was
saying, a proposition.

- Yes.

- For $10, I can tell you,

where you can buy a refrigerator

for a mere hundred, $600.

- Well, that's pretty high.

- All right, make it $5.

- Oh, well in that
case, here it is.

- Right, now, you
just go to Sears,

ask for the
appliance department.

- The appliance department.

- Tell them Rudy sent you.

- Rudy.

- As I said, here's
a few stray items

left in our audience.

- I think you're a stray
item left by the audience.

(audience laughing)

- A lifetime supply of hair
tonic, used by Yul Brynner.

A fold out picture
of Burt Reynolds

with lipstick and
footprints on it.

- That's mine.

(audience laughing)

What are you looking at?

- Found in the
Laugh-In audience,

a harpoon with the name,
Ahab, inscribed on it.

Would the owner please
report to the studio,

your whale is
beginning to spoil.

(audience laughing)

And here's a lady's brassiere,

found under a seat in
the Laugh-In audience.

It's a size 42C.

- Oh, I wish that were mine.

(audience laughing)

- Don't get your hopes up.

- Would the owner
of this garment

please contact me immediately,

any time of the day
or night, please?

- Anyway, if anyone
would like to claim

any of these items,
just call Tel Aviv 8890,

and ask for George Jessel.

It's a candy store,
but they'll call him.

- Oh, that's nice.

- So long, stray items.

(audience laughing)

- See ya later.

- Take your brassiere with you.

(audience applauding)

- Help, help.

- I've come to help you.

- Oh, how nice.

Then, put on the apron,
pick up the broom,

and start sweeping
up, would you?

- Yes, ma'am.

- He looks good for
another leg breaker.

(bell ringing)

- Well, there's the bell.

- Good, I'll go see who it is.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, here's another
helpful, household hint.

To keep a worn carpet from
being noticeable to your guests,

place a dead musk
ox on the affected area.

- Hey Dennis, let me
ask you something.

- Sure.

- Is this a funny joke?

Take my wife, please.

- You should be
ashamed of yourself.

You stole that joke
from Henny Youngman,

and he gets screams with it.

(bright fun music)

- Take my wife, please.

- Pierre, I must know.

Tell me, is there another woman?

- Oh, no, not at all.

You are the only one
(speaking French).

- Then where have you
been going to late every night?

- Home, of course, to my wife.

- Oh, thank heavens,
then you are faithful to me.

- Pookie, pookie, pookie.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Doris?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what?

- What honey?

- I did a very strange
thing last night,

before I went to sleep.

- Well what was that?

- I went home.

(audience laughing)

- That Dick Martin
is sure a nice guy.

There's no air conditioner
in my dressing room,

so he drilled a hole from
his dressing room into mine,

so I could share his.

(audience laughing)

- Hi honey, who boy, I'm home.

What was that?

- Avon falling.

(audience laughing)

- I see a man in your life.

He's two feet tall, he's
covered with feathers,

and drives a '49 Hudson.

- My husband is two feet tall,

and he is covered with feathers,

and does drive a '49 Hudson.

- No, that's not him.

(audience laughing)

(tires squealing)

(audience laughing)

- You know Jack,
it's just been great

having you around here tonight.

- But you know, you got a
lot of laughs with those jokes.

- You sure did, boy.

- Now wait a minute,

you had me telling
other peoples' jokes,

and it doesn't work for me.

Now let me tell you one of mine.

And I'll show you what I mean.

- All right.

- Now you ask me,
or you, I don't care,

somebody ask me.

- Well, I'm the
straight man, I'll ask.

- You ask me, are
my eyes really blue?

- Okay.

Jack, are your eyes really blue?

- Bluer than the feet, of
the little old winemaker.

Maybe you'd better try it.

- All right.

- You ask me the same question.

- Jack, are your
eyes really blue?

- Bluer than the thumb
of a hitchhiker in Alaska.

Take my wife, please.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Hey, you're really gonna
be a tough act to follow.

- Well, if you really want
to see me do my own jokes,

I'll be at the Sahara
Hotel in Las Vegas,

for the next two weeks.

- Oh, I'll bet you've
got a great show, Jack.

And we've got another
great show, next week.

Watch this.

- [Dan] For our guest
star, James Caan.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Dick] And these great cameos.

Bob Crane,

Nanette Fabray,

Della Reese.

- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.

- Yeah, but first I'd like
to thank our lovely guest,

Miss Sally Struthers.

(audience applauding)

- Sally, we are all very
eagerly looking forward

to your new suspense
movie, The Getaway.

- Oh, Steve McQueen
and Ali McGraw.

- Yeah, it promises
to be a dandy.

You gonna do any of your
impressions in the movie?

- Oh no, I only do
one other impression,

and they didn't let
me do it in the film.

- You've got another one?

- Yes.

- Well, can we do it now?

- Oh.

- Oh, I'd love to hear it.

- What is it?

- It's a telephone.

- A telephone?

- Do you want long
distance, or local?

- Whatever.

(Sally sounding like
a dialing telephone)

(audience applauding)

- Goodnight Dick, please.

- Bonsoir Dick.

(Richard speaking in French)

- Ah, oui oui.

- And let his mother worry.

(audience laughing)

- Goodnight Dick.

- [Both] Goodnight Dick.

- [Both] Goodnight Dick.

- [All] Goodnight Dick.

- It's a bird, it's a
plane, it's Super Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

Drop in anytime.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- [Both] Goodnight Dick.

- [All] Goodnight Dick.

- Sir.

- Sir.

- By golly, goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

It's gettin' cold in here.

(audience laughing)

- [All] Goodnight Dick.

- Help, help.

- I've come to help you.

- Pretty soon.

(audience laughing)

Where were we?

- We were here.

(dish breaking)

(tires squealing)

(toys squeaking)

(one woman laughing)