Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 8 - Episode #6.8 - full transcript
(comical music)
- And now from the
beautiful Downtown Burbank
speakeasy and child care center,
NBC, the near beer
concession of the roaring 20s
roars once again
about presenting
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the
repealing Dan Rowan,
(audience clapping)
and the prohibitive Dick Martin.
With guest star Mike Connors.
Plus Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen.
Richard Dawson.
Ryan Presley
Patti Deutsch,
Sarah Kennedy,
Chuck Droege,
our beautiful downtown beauties.
Ian Bernard and
his Band of Liars.
With cameo appearances
by Totie Fields,
Charles Nelson Reilly,
And me, I'm Gary
Owens reminding you,
if you're tired of
housewives knees,
then of course, take out
a chorus girl for a change.
- Hi, my name is Mike Connors,
and I've got a secret.
(comical music)
(comedic whistle blowing)
- Excuse me, you look like a
knowledgeable clothes man.
- Well you certainly am right.
- Well what would
go nice with this tie?
- How 'bout a nice '59 Edsel,
or a '34 (mumbles)?
(audience laughing)
- I will never forget my
first nightclub engagement.
Do you know I was held over?
And four guys got hernias.
(audience laughing)
- It's amazing.
A man like that with three
bodyguards getting shot.
- Who shot him?
- The three bodyguards.
(audience laughing)
- I've found an ideal
way to prevent hair loss.
When it gets windy, take it
off and put it in your pocket.
(audience laughing)
- I'm curious, General Lee,
when did...
- Oh ya are?
- Yes, when did
you first suspect
that you were losing the war?
- Well, I think it was yesterday
when my black cook
started calling me, "Boy."
(audience laughing)
- Morning Paul.
A little off the side please.
- Certainly!
(sleeve tearing)
(audience laughing) You got it!
- So three weeks without
food, how will we survive?
- Well if we get desperate,
I guess we'll just have to
live off the fat of the land.
- You touch me and
I'll break your arm.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I gotta get
this flag done right away.
- Why's that?
- Well because
General Washington
is tired of running his
shorts up the flagpole.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, ain't you the famous
boxer, Rocky Boleniero?
- That's right.
- Yeah, how come
you gave up the rig
at the height of your career?
- Well I wasn't
gettin' any younger
and I wanted
something more secure.
- Uh huh.
- Well, afraid that tooth's
gonna have to come out.
(fist punching face)
(audience laughing)
(teeth dropping)
- I'll have a whiskey.
- Yes, sir.
- What do you want, bartender?
- Oh I'll have a whiskey.
- How about you?
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(audience laughing)
Drapes are nice
here, aren't they?
(audience laughing)
- I made them myself.
- Thank you.
- Another one of them gay bars.
(audience laughing)
- Sweetheart, would
you turn that over please?
- Oh sure.
(player banging against desk)
(audience laughing)
- [Wife] Much better.
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!
(audience applause)
- Ha!
What can I tell you?
After I've said I'm sorry.
Haha!
- Be quiet.
Hey, have you seen
Dick, uh uh Dick.
- Have I seen Dick?
I'm standing here!
- No, no.
- And you can't see me?
- I can see you!
- You gotta
drink the labels.
Don't drink what's in...
- What are you yelling for?
- Have I got the job?
- I made one little mistake!
- Oh, okay.
I didn't mean have
you seen Dick.
- What did you mean?
- Have you seen Mike Connors?
- Of course I've
seen Mike Connors!
Every week on the telly!
He plays Mannix!
I love him!
- A little lower.
- He's a smoothie.
- A little lower.
- A little...
- No, not like that!
- What?
- He's our guest
tonight and he's missing.
- Joe Mannix is missing?
I can't believe...
(Mike yelling) there he is!
(audience cheering)
I was down here, I
knew he wasn't missing!
- Hey look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
but somebody tried to kidnap me.
- Good heavens!
- Who'd do a thing like that?
- My agent, he heard
I was on the show
and he said he was
doin' it to save my career.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Are you gonna go back
to yelling a little bit now?
- Well after all the good
things I've said about him!
(comical music)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
- Thank you very much.
Well we're excited
tonight because we...
- what?
What?
What?
- Are you doing?
What's that?
- What's that?
- That's what
I just asked you.
- I am surprised
that you would say what's that?
That happens to
be the mating call
of the tiny female grinch bird.
(audience laughing)
- The grinch bird?
- Yes, she makes
that sound every night
just before she mates
with the male grinch bird.
He is almost 10 times
her size, you see.
- Is that a fact?
- Yes.
- And that's the entire call?
- No, no!
- No.
- The entire call
goes like this:
why?
Why?
Why me?
(audience laughing)
Gotcha again didn't I?
- What is this all about?
What is that bird ballet?
- Well I happen to be
studying the language of birds.
- Well how utterly
and completely boring.
- Thank you.
- Now as I was saying,
tonight we really
have a wonderful guest
and we have a lot of
things that we'd like to do.
- The hoot owl.
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
- Very good.
- Thank you.
The skunk owl!
Whew!
(audience laughing)
- That certainly stinks.
(audience laughing)
- Desert Sahara owl.
- Would you...
- Wait a minute I'll
say it backwards.
The desert...
- The Sahara desert owl.
- The Sahara desert owl.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
(audience laughing)
The barnyard owl!
Yuk yuk... (audience laughing)
The hard of hearing owl!
(groaning in deafness)
(audience laughing)
- You know if you
continue one more minute,
you're gonna make a
complete fool outta yourself.
- How do you like that?
I have got a chance to knock
30 seconds off my old record.
- No, now this
is really not fair.
You are insulting
the intelligence
of this audience with
that kinda nonsense.
Now why would you
do a thing like that?
It's so dumb.
- Well I guess I
got carried away.
- I guess you did.
- You see, when
I was a small boy,
(somber music)
I found a baby sparrow
who had fallen out of its nest.
He had broken its little
beak and was starving.
(dramatic piano music)
(Dick weeping)
I picked him up, I
took him in the house,
I fed him.
I put a little splint on...
(Dan blowing his nose)
(audience laughing)
I beg your pardon?
Was that an opinion?
Oh.
I put a little splint
on his broken beak.
I taped it up.
- And then what happened?
- He got better.
- Good.
- I finally let him go
and he flew away.
- Aww, that's a beautiful story.
- But that's not all!
- What else?
- Just this morning, I
went out to get the paper.
- Yes.
- It was lying there
in the driveway,
- It was.
- And there he
was, up in a trees.
- Up in the trees.
- Yes.
How did you know it was him?
- I had forgotten to
take splint off his beak.
And I left a the out
of that sentence.
(audience laughing)
But I did.
- Well I should've known.
- I would've wrecked him,
recognized him anyway.
- You would've
wrecked him anyway.
- No, I would recognize him.
There are two ways
to pronounce that.
- How would you have
recognized him anyway?
- Because of the way he sings.
- How does he sing?
(Dick nyerping) (audience
laughs and claps)
Now wait, what's this?
- Oh, we're in a hurry
to get to San Diego.
Are we headed in
the right direction?
- You can't waltz all
the way to San Diego,
it's 200 miles!
- Yeah.
- Good grief, we better
pick it up a little more.
- Yeah, come on.
- Let's Foxtrot!
- Alright.
(audience laughing)
- Cardiogram for Dr
Christian Bernhardt.
Anagram for Noah Webster.
Billy-gram for Oral Roberts.
- Hold on, hold on,
lemme ask you something.
You still deliver
singing telegrams?
- Sure, I got on right
here for you, Dan.
- Ah, thank you.
Camptown ladies sing this song
Do dah do dah Camptown race
(audience laughing)
(muffled conversation)
Trent Faber's law
- Got ya again.
(audience laughing)
Ode
- Hey guys, did you see a
beautiful nude woman around here?
- No.
- Aw.
Well, I guess there's no
sense in hanging around.
(audience laughing)
Day
- Say, on the way
back home, can I drive?
- Yeah, but I get to put.
- He wants to be
buried with all his friends.
- In a nice hillside plot?
- No, in the East River.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dick, look;
there's a ship.
- You're right, quick
find something to wave
so they'll see us.
- Wait a minute, I'll
wave my pantyhose.
- Good.
- I think it's working,
they're signaling.
- What do they say?
- They say if we take
in some of that sail,
we've got a good chance
of winning the race.
(audience laughing)
- Sister, how long
have you been with us?
- Oh, 11 years now.
- Oh just think, four more years
and you'll get to drive
the station wagon.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Once in a while, I
like to wet my whistle.
Tonight, I'm going to try to
drown the little (mumbles)
- A lot of people told
me I'd have to have rocks
in my head to do this show.
(audience laughing)
- Well Harrison, you're
really underweight.
- Yeah, I can really
use a few pounds.
- Use a few pounds, huh?
(banging)
- I knew a man who became
very wealthy just playing cards.
You might say he reached
the pea-knuckle of success.
(upbeat music)
- Listen to me buddy,
the stage leaves
at eight o'clock tonight,
and you'd better be on it.
- Yeah, well what
happens if I'm not on it?
- Nothing, you're driving.
(audience laughing)
- God, I swear I forgot.
- And now, here's
Ironsides to sing that
immortal classic, I'm
Rolling the Floor Over You.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, I'm Mike Connors.
I'm here to audition
for the new television
detective series.
- Oh fine, right this way.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
This is Mike Connors,
he's here to audition
for the part of the detective.
- Oh well nice to
meet you, Mr Connors.
- Well I... (hitting)
- Miss Blue, a glass of
water for Mr Connors.
(Mike gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Bruce Cruller
here, Mr Connors.
In a detective series,
always be on your guard.
(Mike grunting)
(audience laughing)
Miss Blue, another glass
of water for Mr Connors.
- I don't know if I really
want this job after all.
- Oh, you're doing fine.
Here, let me help
you into the chair.
- Thank you.
- That's it, you're
gonna be fine.
Now I'd like you to
meet the young lady
who might be your
co-star, Gayle Fishman.
Gayle?
She plays your efficient,
beautiful secretary.
- Hey, baby.
- Well it's nice
to... (punching)
- Miss Blue, another glass
of water for Mr Connors.
(audience laughing)
- Mr Connors always remember:
- [Group] Be on your guard.
- Now I'd like you
to meet three men
who are very
important to the show.
- Don't tell me, I
think I'm catching on.
- The police chief, (punching)
the enforcer, (glass breaking)
and the crime
boss. (wall breaking)
- Wrong, the
director, the producer,
the president of the network.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Blue, some more
water for Mr Connors.
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(lighthearted music)
(audience laughing)
(Latin music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
Turn me quick I'm
starting to smolder
Eyes growing colder
Lips growing bolder
I would love to give
you All of my views
La da dee da da
Deano looks at the news
(crashing)
(applause)
- [Speaker] And now
the Laugh-In News
with Tony Bennett in fine voice,
John Lennon in a Rolls Royce,
Richard Burton
reading James Joyce,
and the Brooklyn Mob
making things woyce.
- First these headlines.
- Mount Baldy gets new
toupee. (audience laughing)
- President
Mason Jars flips lid.
- Milton Berle steals Henny
Youngman's wife please.
(audience laughing)
- And now it's time for
the news of the present
and for those of you
who don't like the looks
of the present news, here's
Dick, and the odds are.
Dateline Los Angeles:
Bruce Van Etta,
the man who does
impressions of famous fruits,
was arrested last
night for jaywalking
while crossing Hollywood
Boulevard dressed a a peach.
He was picked up by the fuzz.
(audience laughing)
There was a way to read that.
- Yes go ahead.
- The author of the new
Broadway show Lenny,
about the life of Lenny
Bruce, is being sued
by the owner of the club
Bim Bam, Wally Foonman.
Mr Foonman claims that the
entire script was copied verbatim
from the back wall
of his men's room.
(audience laughing)
Makes sense to me.
- It should've, you wrote it.
- The warden of the
Federal penitentiary
in Atlanta said today
the the conjugal,
I'll have that too,
that the conjugal visits
allowed prisoners in
Cell block C have proved
so successful they're
even thinking about
letting wives come
in now and then.
(audience laughing)
And now, here's Don
with the news of the future.
- 20 years from now,
here's the news of the future.
Sex change operations
for men have become
so commonplace that the
operation is now routine
in most hospitals.
Doctors have you
out of bed and walking
on high heels the next day.
(audience laughing)
- Kind of like the
other one, isn't it?
- I certainly hope not.
News of the future 20 years
from now: as a concession
to women's lib, ladies
have finally been allowed
to compete against men
in professional boxing.
Now you're gonna have
to pay attention to this.
- Lady, I'm on tender hooks.
- The sport still remains
basically the same.
The only noticeable
difference being that now,
it takes hours to
break up the clinches.
(audience laughing)
- And you can't hit
above the belt either.
- Moving right along,
20 years from now,
a strange craft from outer
space landed on Earth today.
As people nervously
gathered around the capsule,
five creatures with
green skin, six eyes,
webbed feet and
tentacles emerged.
They were immediately
rounded up and whisked off
to appear as contestants
on Let's Make a Deal.
(audience laughing)
- In Hollywood, many
restaurants have the practice
of naming dishes
after famous celebrities.
- Is that a thing?
- That's the truth.
Make that new
restaurant in Washington.
Now what they're
doing is naming dishes
for political figures.
(upbeat music)
- Madam, are you ready to order?
- Well no, I'm not quite.
What's in the Red White
and Blue Plate Special?
- Oh, we have the George
McGovern Chicken Fricassee.
It's made with only left wings.
- Sounds expensive.
- Gee, I'm really
not that hungry.
- Oh here, well then
why don't you order
something from our
Federal Snack Bar.
We have the Felix Frig
Fruiters and Warren Burgers,
and the John Lindsay sandwich.
- Oh. What's in that?
- Swiss cheese.
(audience laughing)
- What else have you got?
Anything to drink?
- Oh of course, we have
the new Pentagon Pop.
It's full of secret ingredients.
Unfortunately, a lot of people
find it very hard to swallow.
- But forget it; what
have you got for dessert?
- Oh well, we have the
Spiro Agnew Crepe Suzettes
covered with flaming rhetoric.
- Anything else?
- Oh yeah, the Jimmy
Hoffa Baked Alaska.
The president himself
comes over and takes it out
before it's done.
(audience laughing)
(clapping)
- Now, let's visit
tow of Hollywood's
beautiful people at home for
Breakfast With Lance and Tina.
- Good morning.
(kissing sounds)
(dishes breaking)
- Here we are having
breakfast with Mike Connors,
star of Cert.
- I am not the star of Cert.
- Oh, you aren't?
- Tina, since when are we
having lunch with bit players?
- I am not a bit player.
- You mean you're
not even working?
- Now wait a minute,
this is getting silly!
- Well, it certainly is.
Now we're having breakfast
with an unemployed bum actor.
- There you have it,
ladies and gentlemen,
you heard it here
first, proof positive
that show business can
be cruel and heartless.
- Show business is
not cruel and heartless.
(audience laughing)
- Sure it is.
Two minutes ago, poor
ol' Merv was the star
of his own series, and
now he's an out-of-work
has been, sponging actor
wrecking off us biggies.
- Ridiculous!
(Audience laughing)
(chattering)
- And now, a
special showbiz item.
Tonight's guest telecaster,
one of America's top
TV columnists, Kay Gardella.
- Richard Burton
today outdid himself
when for Elizabeth's
birthday, he presented her
with an 81 pound emerald.
Elizabeth will wear it
at a big party tonight
as soon as she
has her hips pierced.
(audience laughing)
- Now to Japan for a
glance at the Nippon News.
- Hello again.
(gong)
It's time for the Japanese News.
Tonight, we are going to
interview Toshiro Sakanda,
one of the greatest of all
World War II kamikaze pilot.
He ought to be here
any second now.
(loud screeching
and body collapsing)
(audience laughing)
Well, back to you Dan and Dick.
(audience laughing)
- And now over the
wall to East Berlin.
- We have a new
policy now in East Berlin
that any any citizen
wishing to visit,
West Berlin can do so by merely
turning in a written request
und two close relatives.
(audience laughing)
- Now Laugh-In's own
business section, Patti Deutsch.
- A good evening business buffs.
In an effort to attract
more customers,
Air Burbank has
commissioned Joseph Minski,
former owner of
Burlesque Theaters,
to develop a jumbo jet that
will do bumps and grinds
all the way down the
runway while the passengers
yell, "Take it
off, take it off!"
(audience laughing)
- And now to close the
news, these inspiring words:
pooky, pooky, pooky!
(audience laughing)
(singing tango music)
(audience clapping)
- Sarah, you were
delightful in the news.
(audience clapping)
Indeed.
- Thank you.
- But we know you
have many other talents.
- Yeah, you know
ladies and gentlemen,
you may not know it but Sarah
here does great impressions.
- You know, we hear the
best one is Jimmy Cagney.
Come on, do Jimmy Cagney.
- Do you do Jimmy Cagney?
- Yeah, okay.
You dirty rat!
(audience laughing)
- It's amazing.
- But it is a little bit similar
to that character you
do in the Japanese News.
- Oh no, no, no.
If James Cagney were Japanese,
now he'd sound like this.
- Cagney isn't Japanese?
- No, if he was.
(audience laughing)
You dirty rat!
(audience laughing and applause)
- Right away you
can tell the difference!
- General Lee,
now that it's over,
you can tell me what was
the worst part of the war?
- Havin' to go to all
those Bob Hope shows.
(audience laughing)
- I was there when
Louie passed on.
He died in my arms.
- He died in your arms?!
- Yeah, I strangled him.
(audience laughing)
- Who are you?
- I'm Friday.
- who are you?
- I'm the rest of the week.
- Have a good time.
(audience laughing)
- This show reminds
me of Flip Wilson
when he's dressed
up like Geraldine.
A real drag.
(audience laughing)
- Oh that Mannix,
what a life he must lead.
Oh wouldn't it be
wonderful to be his secretary.
I'd work overtime for you.
(calming retro music)
Oh Mannix, I'm so worried.
After all, that gang is a
pack of blood-thirsty killers!
- Oh, now stop worrying.
Somebody has to go out
there and round 'em up.
- I know, but why me?
(audience laughing)
- Now let's be fair, I
tossed you for it, didn't I?
- Yeah, but it didn't have
to be out the window!
I could've landed on my face!
- Didn't ya?
- Well anyway, I won't go!
I won't go!
What if they kidnap me?
- You're absolutely right.
That one defenseless woman
against five desperate men.
- I'll go, I'll go!
(audience laughing)
- You'll need a gun.
- Oh yes, you're right.
They might not as
desperate as I think.
- Yeah, now let me give you
description of the gang leader.
Where's that police bulletin?
- Right there.
- Aha, here it is.
The leader is a short,
squat, dumpy, very ugly
and has a big chin.
Aha!
- Aha, what?
- You're under arrest!
(audience laughing)
- Kiss me, you big lug!
(audience applause)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
- Hey, the police
aren't really takin'
any chances with Louie.
(audience laughing)
(train horn blaring
and crashing)
(comical music)
- Do you think this booze
is made in a bathtub?
(laughing)
- I don't know but every
time I finish a martini,
there's a ring around the olive.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Hey what would happen if
the police raided this place?
- Gee I don't know, why don't
you ask that guy over there?
He's the Chief of Police.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- So this is bathtub gin.
You know, it
really isn't too bad.
- I told you you'd
like it, blue eyes.
Well, bottoms up.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Mrs. Capone.
- Yeah.
- I understand that
your husband, Al
had a lot of legal
expenses last year.
- Mhmm.
- Boy, those lawyers
sure come high.
- Oh not to mention the
12 cops and the judge.
- 12 cops and a judge?
- I told you not to mention it.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- One of my boys
got a little outta line,
so I gave him a brand new car.
- That's not much
of a punishment.
- Oh yeah?
When I gave it to him he
was going 110 miles per hour.
(audience laughing)
Oh Mary, - Yes, mister.
- I'm gonna need a
little ice for my drink.
- I'll get you some.
(ice plops) (audience laughing)
- Boy, those college
kids are really crazy!
I know one who
swallowed 200 in goldfish
and is in the hospital.
- Oh what happened,
they make him sick?
- No, he just kissed a girl
who just swallowed a cat.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- I wonder how they got
all those congressmen
to vote for prohibition.
(laughing)
- They probably took 'em out
and got 'em drunk first.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Feel so good, just won
first prize in a Dad's Marathon.
Dad's seven days
without stopping!
- Oh, what'd ya win?
- A week of dads
lessons at (mumbles)
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- You know Mike,
I think the stock markets
are about to crash.
- Are you kidding?
The stock market has
about as much chance
of crashing as the Hindenburg.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Well aren't you glad
World War I's over.
- Yeah, I sure am.
Only thing that
bothers me though,
if that's a war that's
supposed to end all wars,
how come they gave it a number?
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
(audience applause)
- Then there was the one
about a lover who drowned,
when his girlfriend's husband
came home unexpectedly
and he had to hide
under the waterbed.
(audience laughing)
- You see, the secret
of being a good detective
is attention to detail.
No matter how insignificant,
can't overlook a thing.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Billy DeWolf please.
This is Mrs. Millie
DeWolf, thank you.
Hello son, oh I have
been busy, busy, busy
redecorating the apartment.
It had become just
too tacky, tacky, tacky.
Oh by the by Billy, I think
my new housekeeper drinks.
She came in one morning
so I admonished her
for coming in late by saying,
"Toddy, toddy, toddy!"
She said, "Don't mind if I do."
And fixed herself
enough hot toddies
for an entire floattila.
(audience laughing and applause)
- And now, here's
Strom Thurmond to sing,
I Found My Thrill
on Capital Hill.
(audience laughing)
- I'm really gonna miss Louie.
He said I was the
only girl he ever loved.
- He said I was the
only girl he ever loved.
- Hey, wait a minute!
He told me I was the
only girl he ever loved!
- So I lied, so shoot me!
(audience laughing)
- Boy I hope you two men
don't try to take advantage
of our situation here.
- Are you kidding?
We'd be foolish to try anything.
- Yeah, you got us
outnumbered three to two.
(audience laughing)
- I was so broke when
I came to Hollywood;
pretty, but broke.
I had to spend my first
week begging for a tin cup.
- I bet you never
knew that Quasimodo
was the world's first bellhop.
(audience laughing)
- Alright, everybody
out of there now.
Just a minute, right here.
Now when we said in
the sermon last week,
"You must love thy neighbor,"
this is not what we had in mind.
(comical music)
- Hey, you hear
about the guy who got
the track star's
daughter in trouble?
They had a shot put wedding.
(audience laughing)
(clapping)
- Well I only...
- Oh, just shut up!
But I...
- Just shut up!
(audience laughing)
Shut your mouth!
And now Laugh-In presents
the Rowan and Martin's
Report on Law and Order,
and we'll begin with the flying
fickle finger of fate award.
- Aha, can I talk now?
- Yes.
- Who gets the happy
handful this time?
- Well, no other than
the pride of Los Angeles's
finest, Police Chief Ed Davis.
- Don't tell me he
arrested Sam Yorty
for impersonating a mayor.
- No no! (audience laughing)
No, he didn't do that.
Chief Davis has come up
with a novel, though somewhat
drastic method of
dealing with skyjackers.
- Well now, skyjacking is
a very serious business.
- It certainly is,
but there must be
a better way to handle
it than the Chief's idea.
According to the LA
Times article we have here,
Chief Davis recommends
that "we conduct a rapid trial
"for a hijacker and then we
hang him with due process
"of law right out
there at the airport."
- Good heavens, it seems to
me there's enough hijackers
hanging around
the airport as it is!
(audience laughing)
Is he really serious?
- Oh, I don't know, but
the chief says he wants
to try, convict, and
execute them with
"a portable courtroom on a
big bus and portable gallows."
- Sort of take the bus,
and leave the hanging to us.
(audience laughing)
- That's the idea.
- Los Angeles Tower to
Gallows, clear the hang on
on Runway 114.
(chattering and laughter)
- Everybody wants
to put a stop to...
- Was that close?
- Close.
Everybody would
like to put a stop
to air piracy, but
doesn't this sound
more a bit like
frontier justice?
Well maybe we should
change the charge
from skyjacking
to airplane rustling.
- And so Chief Davis,
with due process
on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
here is your fickle finger.
- And hang it in your office.
Airports are crowded as it is.
- But do it later; right now,
let's take a look
at law and order.
(upbeat music and
fingers snapping)
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Self-Respecting law and order
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Hide that stash
across the border
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Let me catch you doing wrong
I collected their bail uh huh
If you're naughty
then you belong Where
In a place where
with bars and padlocks
That they call the jail
Tell it to the court reporter
Here come the judge The judge
We believe in law and order
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
The judge Even probably
when you did good
He don't carry no grudge
My friend you'll have
to hear it from the judge
Here come the judge
- What's happening, judge baby?
(clapping and upbeat music)
- Hey, hey have you
heard about the burglar
who was trapped in the
lingerie department by the police?
- Did they catch him?
- No, he gave them the slip.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, hey I know a guy
who got in real trouble
for taking the law
into his own hands.
His wife caught him
kissing a meter maid.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna tear
off all your clothes
and run my hands over your body.
Then I'm gonna
beat you with the stick
until you can't stand up.
Then I'm gonna drag
you in the bedroom,
and then I'm gonna...
- Okay, okay but how
about a few drinks first.
(comical music)
- Listen, it's gotten
so bad that every time
I go out on the street,
some man attacks me.
- Where does all this happen?
- Oh, the best ones are
over on Sunset Boulevard.
(audience laughing)
(suspenseful music)
(comical music)
- Wait a minute, Rocco.
You just gave me
the kiss of death.
- Nah, nothin' like that.
I just think you're cute.
(comical music)
- You know, crime
is getting terrible.
I read about this guy
who was on his way
to hold up a bank
and he got mugged.
(audience laughing)
(western music)
- Okay, put it on the table.
- Okay, put yours on the table.
- Yeah, you put
yours on the table.
- Nice work, Black Bart.
- Alright, now you two
men put yours on the table.
- Alright, now you three
put yours on the table.
- Hey Bernie, where
do you want these?
- [Man] Just put
them on the table.
(audience laughing)
(table breaking)
- Well I just read
about an abortionist
who was convicted and sentenced
to nine months hard labor.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, hello there.
- Well.
- Listen, Mr Krakau,
I need a lawyer.
You see, I've been
accused of stealing
a half million dollars
worth of diamonds,
and I swear to you that
I'm perfectly innocent.
- Well I'd need at least
$1000 as a retainer.
- Oh well now, this ought
to cover it right there.
(audience laughing)
- Hey well, wait a
minute, one reason
so many people wind
up in jail is poverty.
We all agree to that?
They simply couldn't
afford a decent getaway car.
(comical music)
- Oh Your Honor,
Please sentence me!
Please put me away
before I kill again.
Please sentence me!
- What do you got here, Johnson?
- That sir, is the
Bakersville Strangler.
He's already confessed
to 48 murders.
- Did you confess to this?
- Yes I did, please
send me away.
Send me away forever!
- Johnson. Did you advise
this man of his rights?
- His rights, sir?
No sir, I forgot.
- Well Strangler,
according to the law,
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to let you go.
- But I don't wanna
go, I'm guilty!
- Well, I'm sorry; they
obtained an illegal confession.
You can't stay, it's the law.
- But I'm guilty I tell ya!
- That has nothing
to do with it.
- Your confession
is inadmissible
and it violates
the Constitution.
Now get outta my courtroom
before I hold you in contempt.
- Go on. (audience laughing)
- Some people have
no respect for the law.
(gavel banging)
Next sketch. (comical music)
- Alright this is a stickup.
Don't anybody move!
Alright, one of
you come up here.
Come here, come on!
One of you come up here.
Where are ya?
- Right here.
- Hey listen, I
forgot my glasses.
Which one is the teller?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, now you put all
your small bills in this bag.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
- Hey Miss, any of those
trying to make a break?
- Yeah, there's one
man right over there.
- Where?
- There.
- Hey hold it, don't you move!
Alright, now back
against the wall.
Back against the wall.
Are you back against the wall?
- Yeah, I'm back
against the wall.
- Alright now,
don't anybody move
and nobody will get hurt, okay?
I'm gettin' outta here
so don't any of you move.
Back up now, don't you move!
Don't move!
I'm warning ya, I'll
shoot ya if you move.
I got a hostage now.
Don't anybody move.
If you stay here, I
won't shoot anybody.
It's gonna be okay.
Come on hostage,
let's gt outta here.
(comical music)
- I beg your pardon, madam!
Well we heard the alarm,
came as fast as we can.
Which way did he go?
- He just went
out the front door.
Didn't ya see him?
- No, all I saw was some
weirdo with a coat rack
and a bag of groceries.
(audience laughing)
- In my house, we figured
there's a crime every 20 seconds.
That's a lot of
crime for one house.
(audience laughing)
- Some of the kids, they
like to call a policeman pigs.
It seems like an
odd job for a pig,
pulling everybody
else's fat out of the file.
- I tell ya, in these
terrible days of drugs,
crime, and violence,
it's comforting to know
we have a man like Efrem
Zimbalist Jr running the FBI.
(audience laughing)
- I find you guilty and I'm
gonna throw the book at ya.
(audience laughing)
- That's another sketch.
Whoever said crime doesn't
pay obviously has no idea
of how many lawyers
live in Beverly Hills.
(audience laughing)
- Before he died, Louie
had one last request.
- What was that?
- Please don't kill me.
(audience laughing)
- Court cases are
really backed up.
I heard about one
man who was arrested
for drinking as a minor.
Before the case came
up, he died of old age.
(audience groaning)
(comical music)
- This man is guilty, and
here's my final piece of evidence.
Bring in that giant
bowl of tapioca.
(comical music)
There is the murder weapon.
After all, the proof
is in the pudding.
(audience laughing)
There go the judge
There go the judge
There go the judge
(audience clapping)
(water splashing)
- This is the part
of the show we call
Questions and Answers,
when I take questions
from the studio audience.
In the past weeks,
there apparently
has been some
misunderstanding about that.
You're supposed
to ask the questions
and I give you the answers,
and I'm sure that's the reason
that no one has
ever put their hand up
to answer questions because
you didn't really understand
that during the question
and answer period,
that you're the ones that
are, (audience laughing)
Don't ask 'em now.
- Pal, I gotta tell
you something,
that's the last
time I ever dress up
as a woman on Halloween.
- You gonna cut it out on
weekends at the house too?
(audience laughing)
- I stopped that over
a week and a half ago.
- I want you to
know something, pal.
As a woman, I
find you repulsive,
disgusting and
totally unattractive.
- Does that mean that
it's all over between us?
(audience laughing)
- I think you can make
that assumption yes.
Now how did you get like this?
- Well, I guess you
can say it all started
when I was a boy.
I was a small boy
and I saw my mother
putting pink lipstick on.
- What's so unusual about that?
- Well, she was
putting it on my father.
(audience laughing)
- Why would your
father wear pink lipstick?
- 'Cause it matched
his purse, ya dummy.
(audience laughing)
- I still don't
understand why you,
you look like you've
been all torn up.
Excuse me.
- That's my trick-or-treat
bag, dummy.
- Where ya been?
- Well, I made the
mistake of going
trick-or-treating down at
the Los Angeles Harbor.
- At the LA Harbor?
What was wrong with that?
- Well, how was I to
know that the fleet was in?
(audience laughing)
Just docked after
four years at sea.
- After four years, I'd
imagine those sailors
a little anxious to get home.
- That isn't all they
were anxious to get.
(audience laughing)
- Why didn't you tell
them you were dressed up
for Halloween?
- No, I forgot frankly.
And then I made an
even bigger mistake.
- I don't believe it.
- I yelled out trick or treat.
(audience laughing)
- And what was wrong with that?
- Well, they all picked treat.
(audience laughing)
- I certainly hope you
have learned your lesson.
- Well, I certainly have.
Next time, I won't
wear my good dress.
(audience laughing)
- You don't mean you're gonna
do this again next Halloween?
- What are you talking about?
I'm not finished with
this Halloween yet.
I still have to meet
the USS California
and the USS Missouri.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Al was one of the great
gin bootleggers of all times.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Ah excuse me, but do
you have anything nice
in a double-breasted
suit? (chuckles)
- I could ask you
the same question.
What was the question again?
- Do you have something
nice in a double-breasted suit?
- Certainly, how about
Mr. Perks over there?
Not to mention I'm Mr. Cummings.
- Mr. Cummings?
- I told you not to mention him.
(audience laughing)
- You know they're
making a movie
about the Los Angeles Skyline?
It's called The Lost Horizon.
(audience laughing)
- Why do you put on
that dumb perfume on for?
- I thought it would
make me smell real nice
so you would respect
me as a woman.
- What is it called?
- Gallow. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(chips splatting)
(both laughing)
- Hello, I'm Charles
Nelson Reilly.
You've seen... I know you did.
You've seen me on Laugh-In.
- Loved you on Laugh-In.
- Thank you so much.
Hollywood Squares,
and of course...
- You're funny on that show.
- Thank you.
Not to mention, The
Dean Martin Show.
- The Dean Martin Show?!
- You were told
not to mention that.
- Boy, I knew it was gonna
be a bad day this morning
when I got outta
both sides of the bed.
(audience laughing)
- Well General Lee, now
that you've lost the war,
what do you have to say?
- How about making
it two outta three?
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(bus horn honking)
- I've got the yo-yo.
- I've got the string.
- The cigar box has
seven cigars left.
- Bertha's mustache caught fire.
- You must be X-5.
- I'm X-5.
- Good to see you again, X-5.
- I couldn't take a chance.
- You probably
don't remember me.
- Not really.
- We worked together in
Berlin about 12 years ago.
- 12 years ago.
- Remember that
little Beer Garden?
- Beer Garden.
- Yes, I was the tall blonde
girl in the green dress.
- I remember you!
Which was the disguise?
- We don't have a lot of time.
We've been waiting for
you for five nights now.
You were supposed to
be here five nights ago.
- I couldn't lose my contact.
- Is that a fact?
You haven't been shadowed,
have you?
- No.
- Do you have your instructions?
- I don't have them.
- That's what you
were supposed to say.
I have all your
instructions for you
and they've been changed.
- They have been changed?
- A little.
They're a little complicated,
you better write 'em down.
- I don't have to write it down,
I have a pornographic,
photographic memory.
(audience laughing)
- You never forget anything?
- No, everything is indelibly...
- Indelibly etched.
- That's close enough.
- That's so wonderful,
thankfully to have.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Alright.
- You don't remember
me from Berlin?
- Yes I'm starting to.
- Before someone comes
by: you start in London,
you go to Turn Burrows,
get the shirts fitted.
Tell him you want
a size 15, 39 sleeve.
(back and forth chatter)
(audience laughing)
- isn't that odd how
nothing fits anymore?
- In that pocket
you will see a ticket.
Chartered flight to Paris.
When you get to Paris,
12:07, seven
minutes past midnight.
You take a little walk
outside of the airport terminal,
you will see a man
with a leather helmet.
He is your pilot.
Just outside the airport
there's a private plane.
At 5,000 feet at exactly
1:36, you bail out.
- I bail out?
(audience laughing)
- Have you got me so far?
- I lost you at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery!
- I thought I went to a
bakery in Cleveland first.
I started the shirt thing,
where I had no idea.
(both shushing and whistling)
- I've got the yo-yo.
- I've got the string.
(audience laughing)
- You must be X-15.
- I'm X-15.
- You know X-5?
- I'm X-5.
- They told me at
headquarters that you knew X-5.
- I didn't know X-5.
- I had a mustache
and a beard last time.
- You're gonna meet X-5 in Paris
after he's made the drop.
- Do you wanna write
the instructions down
or you...
- No, I've got
a pornographic.
- Photographic.
- In my steel trap.
- Well you outta make a
good pair, the two of you.
As soon as you get
in the pick-up truck
after he has landed.
(audience laughing)
(back and forth chatting)
You drive exactly 17
kilometers from the drop zone,
you'll find a little
white farmhouse.
You go up and knock on the
door of the farmhouse four times.
A small four foot 11 little girl
then you hit her right away.
No no no, that's your size.
Have you followed me so far?
- No I lost you at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery.
You've got to remember,
you have to get the formula.
The formula's in this
little French village
and it's in a beer can.
Now have you got a good opener?
- Oh yeah, we've got
a wonderful opener.
- Yeah, what is it?
- Oh, it's... To-Too
tootsie goodbye
(audience laughing and applause
- If you were born on
this date, you are a Virgo.
Virgoans are not
sensitive to heights,
but are afraid of widths.
Your lucky day is November 36,
then your lucky number is
888 or any combination thereof.
You are extremely sensitive
and hate being slapped on
the back with a two-by-four.
You love to dress-up
in frilly-lace things.
But don't let your wife find
out because she does it.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I don't look
like this by mistake.
I watch my diet carefully.
In fact, I count calories.
You know I'm up to
nine million, 632 billion,
right now
and that was for
breakfast and lunch.
(audience laughing)
- My TV show is about a
detective who's down in the dumps.
It's called Manic Depressives.
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(whistle blowing)
(water splashing)
- We'd like to thank tonight's
guest star, Mike Connors.
- Hey that's not Mike
Connors, that's Joe Mannix!
Watch him hit somebody!
- Wait a minute.
Would you guys mind if
I told just one little joke?
- Well we haven't seen
it, you can't just do a joke.
Censors have a little
hangup about that thing.
- Well you know he's right,
maybe you oughta
whisper it in my ear
and I'll tell you
if it's alright.
- Oh sure.
- You tell him?
- (laughs) Hey mister,
your sign fell down.
That's a funny punchline.
Go ahead and tell it. (laughs)
- Go ahead and tell it?
He just told the punchline
and he says go ahead and tell it.
Everybody on this show is nuts.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know
why he didn't tell it,
that was a funny joke!
- You think that's funny,
look what's gonna
be on next week.
(whistle blowing)
- [Announcer] Our
guest is Don Rickles.
(audience clapping)
(comedic music)
For these great cameos,
Charlie Callas.
Kent McCord and Martin Milner.
- Hey I just heard
about an airline
who had to find
one of their skycaps.
- What for?
- Huh?
The poor guy lost his grip.
(audience laughing)
- What do you get when
you break a shuttlecock?
- [Dan] I don't know, what?
- Seven years badminton!
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute!
Dan!
- What?
- Did you hear about
the nervous chef?
- No, what about him?
- Well he was always
on pans and noodles.
(audience laughing)
- May I have your
attention, all of you?
Did you hear about
the crazy contortionist?
- [Everyone] No!
- (Mumbles) finally
straightened him out.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I
knew a contortionist.
- [Everyone] Yeah?
- He was so shy, he couldn't
look himself in the face.
(audience laughing)
- Who got outta prison
by makin' deals
with NASA Officials?
- What what?
- NASA Officials.
- I don't know, who?
The Count of Monte Cristo.
- No!
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, now.
Everyone gets a second chance.
Alright, who gets outta prison
by making deals
with NASA Officials?
- I don't know, who?
- The Countdown of Monte Cristo.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Ruth!
- Yes.
- I took one of
those tests at work
that tell you how honest you are
and I got an A.
- Gee, how'd you do that?
- I cheated.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle has been
out of the job so long,
that the guys at the
unemployment office
gave him a gold watch.
(audience laughing)
And it doesn't work either.
(audience laughing)
(everyone groans)
- Hey Sarah,
I understand there's a new
gay liberation rock group out.
- Ah, what's it called?
- the Papa's and the Papa's.
(audience laughing)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Yeah but did I tell
you about my brother
who had to go
to the psychiatrist
because he thought
he was a banana?
- And I don't
wanna hear about it.
- Unfortunately before
they cured him, he rotted.
(audience laughing)
- It's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- [Everyone] Goodnight, Dick!
(audience applause)
- Goodnight, Dick.
I was here the other
day and a guy came in
and said, "Do you have
any sporting equipment?"
I said, "I certainly do,
"but Dan Rowan doesn't
want me to mention it."
(audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Mike.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dicky,
Dicky, Dicky. (giggles)
- [Everyone] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick! (blows kiss)
- [Everyone] Goodnight, Dick.
(water splashes)
- [Dick] Missed.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Hi, sailor.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Dan, would you say
goodnight to Dick for me?
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(audience laughing)
(car door shutting)
(audience laughing)
(car hood squeaking)
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(car hood slamming)
(audience laughing)
(door shutting) (car revving)
(water splashing)
(woman laughing creepily)
- And now from the
beautiful Downtown Burbank
speakeasy and child care center,
NBC, the near beer
concession of the roaring 20s
roars once again
about presenting
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the
repealing Dan Rowan,
(audience clapping)
and the prohibitive Dick Martin.
With guest star Mike Connors.
Plus Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen.
Richard Dawson.
Ryan Presley
Patti Deutsch,
Sarah Kennedy,
Chuck Droege,
our beautiful downtown beauties.
Ian Bernard and
his Band of Liars.
With cameo appearances
by Totie Fields,
Charles Nelson Reilly,
And me, I'm Gary
Owens reminding you,
if you're tired of
housewives knees,
then of course, take out
a chorus girl for a change.
- Hi, my name is Mike Connors,
and I've got a secret.
(comical music)
(comedic whistle blowing)
- Excuse me, you look like a
knowledgeable clothes man.
- Well you certainly am right.
- Well what would
go nice with this tie?
- How 'bout a nice '59 Edsel,
or a '34 (mumbles)?
(audience laughing)
- I will never forget my
first nightclub engagement.
Do you know I was held over?
And four guys got hernias.
(audience laughing)
- It's amazing.
A man like that with three
bodyguards getting shot.
- Who shot him?
- The three bodyguards.
(audience laughing)
- I've found an ideal
way to prevent hair loss.
When it gets windy, take it
off and put it in your pocket.
(audience laughing)
- I'm curious, General Lee,
when did...
- Oh ya are?
- Yes, when did
you first suspect
that you were losing the war?
- Well, I think it was yesterday
when my black cook
started calling me, "Boy."
(audience laughing)
- Morning Paul.
A little off the side please.
- Certainly!
(sleeve tearing)
(audience laughing) You got it!
- So three weeks without
food, how will we survive?
- Well if we get desperate,
I guess we'll just have to
live off the fat of the land.
- You touch me and
I'll break your arm.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I gotta get
this flag done right away.
- Why's that?
- Well because
General Washington
is tired of running his
shorts up the flagpole.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, ain't you the famous
boxer, Rocky Boleniero?
- That's right.
- Yeah, how come
you gave up the rig
at the height of your career?
- Well I wasn't
gettin' any younger
and I wanted
something more secure.
- Uh huh.
- Well, afraid that tooth's
gonna have to come out.
(fist punching face)
(audience laughing)
(teeth dropping)
- I'll have a whiskey.
- Yes, sir.
- What do you want, bartender?
- Oh I'll have a whiskey.
- How about you?
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(audience laughing)
Drapes are nice
here, aren't they?
(audience laughing)
- I made them myself.
- Thank you.
- Another one of them gay bars.
(audience laughing)
- Sweetheart, would
you turn that over please?
- Oh sure.
(player banging against desk)
(audience laughing)
- [Wife] Much better.
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!
(audience applause)
- Ha!
What can I tell you?
After I've said I'm sorry.
Haha!
- Be quiet.
Hey, have you seen
Dick, uh uh Dick.
- Have I seen Dick?
I'm standing here!
- No, no.
- And you can't see me?
- I can see you!
- You gotta
drink the labels.
Don't drink what's in...
- What are you yelling for?
- Have I got the job?
- I made one little mistake!
- Oh, okay.
I didn't mean have
you seen Dick.
- What did you mean?
- Have you seen Mike Connors?
- Of course I've
seen Mike Connors!
Every week on the telly!
He plays Mannix!
I love him!
- A little lower.
- He's a smoothie.
- A little lower.
- A little...
- No, not like that!
- What?
- He's our guest
tonight and he's missing.
- Joe Mannix is missing?
I can't believe...
(Mike yelling) there he is!
(audience cheering)
I was down here, I
knew he wasn't missing!
- Hey look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
but somebody tried to kidnap me.
- Good heavens!
- Who'd do a thing like that?
- My agent, he heard
I was on the show
and he said he was
doin' it to save my career.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Are you gonna go back
to yelling a little bit now?
- Well after all the good
things I've said about him!
(comical music)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
- Thank you very much.
Well we're excited
tonight because we...
- what?
What?
What?
- Are you doing?
What's that?
- What's that?
- That's what
I just asked you.
- I am surprised
that you would say what's that?
That happens to
be the mating call
of the tiny female grinch bird.
(audience laughing)
- The grinch bird?
- Yes, she makes
that sound every night
just before she mates
with the male grinch bird.
He is almost 10 times
her size, you see.
- Is that a fact?
- Yes.
- And that's the entire call?
- No, no!
- No.
- The entire call
goes like this:
why?
Why?
Why me?
(audience laughing)
Gotcha again didn't I?
- What is this all about?
What is that bird ballet?
- Well I happen to be
studying the language of birds.
- Well how utterly
and completely boring.
- Thank you.
- Now as I was saying,
tonight we really
have a wonderful guest
and we have a lot of
things that we'd like to do.
- The hoot owl.
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
- Very good.
- Thank you.
The skunk owl!
Whew!
(audience laughing)
- That certainly stinks.
(audience laughing)
- Desert Sahara owl.
- Would you...
- Wait a minute I'll
say it backwards.
The desert...
- The Sahara desert owl.
- The Sahara desert owl.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
(audience laughing)
The barnyard owl!
Yuk yuk... (audience laughing)
The hard of hearing owl!
(groaning in deafness)
(audience laughing)
- You know if you
continue one more minute,
you're gonna make a
complete fool outta yourself.
- How do you like that?
I have got a chance to knock
30 seconds off my old record.
- No, now this
is really not fair.
You are insulting
the intelligence
of this audience with
that kinda nonsense.
Now why would you
do a thing like that?
It's so dumb.
- Well I guess I
got carried away.
- I guess you did.
- You see, when
I was a small boy,
(somber music)
I found a baby sparrow
who had fallen out of its nest.
He had broken its little
beak and was starving.
(dramatic piano music)
(Dick weeping)
I picked him up, I
took him in the house,
I fed him.
I put a little splint on...
(Dan blowing his nose)
(audience laughing)
I beg your pardon?
Was that an opinion?
Oh.
I put a little splint
on his broken beak.
I taped it up.
- And then what happened?
- He got better.
- Good.
- I finally let him go
and he flew away.
- Aww, that's a beautiful story.
- But that's not all!
- What else?
- Just this morning, I
went out to get the paper.
- Yes.
- It was lying there
in the driveway,
- It was.
- And there he
was, up in a trees.
- Up in the trees.
- Yes.
How did you know it was him?
- I had forgotten to
take splint off his beak.
And I left a the out
of that sentence.
(audience laughing)
But I did.
- Well I should've known.
- I would've wrecked him,
recognized him anyway.
- You would've
wrecked him anyway.
- No, I would recognize him.
There are two ways
to pronounce that.
- How would you have
recognized him anyway?
- Because of the way he sings.
- How does he sing?
(Dick nyerping) (audience
laughs and claps)
Now wait, what's this?
- Oh, we're in a hurry
to get to San Diego.
Are we headed in
the right direction?
- You can't waltz all
the way to San Diego,
it's 200 miles!
- Yeah.
- Good grief, we better
pick it up a little more.
- Yeah, come on.
- Let's Foxtrot!
- Alright.
(audience laughing)
- Cardiogram for Dr
Christian Bernhardt.
Anagram for Noah Webster.
Billy-gram for Oral Roberts.
- Hold on, hold on,
lemme ask you something.
You still deliver
singing telegrams?
- Sure, I got on right
here for you, Dan.
- Ah, thank you.
Camptown ladies sing this song
Do dah do dah Camptown race
(audience laughing)
(muffled conversation)
Trent Faber's law
- Got ya again.
(audience laughing)
Ode
- Hey guys, did you see a
beautiful nude woman around here?
- No.
- Aw.
Well, I guess there's no
sense in hanging around.
(audience laughing)
Day
- Say, on the way
back home, can I drive?
- Yeah, but I get to put.
- He wants to be
buried with all his friends.
- In a nice hillside plot?
- No, in the East River.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dick, look;
there's a ship.
- You're right, quick
find something to wave
so they'll see us.
- Wait a minute, I'll
wave my pantyhose.
- Good.
- I think it's working,
they're signaling.
- What do they say?
- They say if we take
in some of that sail,
we've got a good chance
of winning the race.
(audience laughing)
- Sister, how long
have you been with us?
- Oh, 11 years now.
- Oh just think, four more years
and you'll get to drive
the station wagon.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Once in a while, I
like to wet my whistle.
Tonight, I'm going to try to
drown the little (mumbles)
- A lot of people told
me I'd have to have rocks
in my head to do this show.
(audience laughing)
- Well Harrison, you're
really underweight.
- Yeah, I can really
use a few pounds.
- Use a few pounds, huh?
(banging)
- I knew a man who became
very wealthy just playing cards.
You might say he reached
the pea-knuckle of success.
(upbeat music)
- Listen to me buddy,
the stage leaves
at eight o'clock tonight,
and you'd better be on it.
- Yeah, well what
happens if I'm not on it?
- Nothing, you're driving.
(audience laughing)
- God, I swear I forgot.
- And now, here's
Ironsides to sing that
immortal classic, I'm
Rolling the Floor Over You.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, I'm Mike Connors.
I'm here to audition
for the new television
detective series.
- Oh fine, right this way.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
This is Mike Connors,
he's here to audition
for the part of the detective.
- Oh well nice to
meet you, Mr Connors.
- Well I... (hitting)
- Miss Blue, a glass of
water for Mr Connors.
(Mike gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Bruce Cruller
here, Mr Connors.
In a detective series,
always be on your guard.
(Mike grunting)
(audience laughing)
Miss Blue, another glass
of water for Mr Connors.
- I don't know if I really
want this job after all.
- Oh, you're doing fine.
Here, let me help
you into the chair.
- Thank you.
- That's it, you're
gonna be fine.
Now I'd like you to
meet the young lady
who might be your
co-star, Gayle Fishman.
Gayle?
She plays your efficient,
beautiful secretary.
- Hey, baby.
- Well it's nice
to... (punching)
- Miss Blue, another glass
of water for Mr Connors.
(audience laughing)
- Mr Connors always remember:
- [Group] Be on your guard.
- Now I'd like you
to meet three men
who are very
important to the show.
- Don't tell me, I
think I'm catching on.
- The police chief, (punching)
the enforcer, (glass breaking)
and the crime
boss. (wall breaking)
- Wrong, the
director, the producer,
the president of the network.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Blue, some more
water for Mr Connors.
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(lighthearted music)
(audience laughing)
(Latin music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
Turn me quick I'm
starting to smolder
Eyes growing colder
Lips growing bolder
I would love to give
you All of my views
La da dee da da
Deano looks at the news
(crashing)
(applause)
- [Speaker] And now
the Laugh-In News
with Tony Bennett in fine voice,
John Lennon in a Rolls Royce,
Richard Burton
reading James Joyce,
and the Brooklyn Mob
making things woyce.
- First these headlines.
- Mount Baldy gets new
toupee. (audience laughing)
- President
Mason Jars flips lid.
- Milton Berle steals Henny
Youngman's wife please.
(audience laughing)
- And now it's time for
the news of the present
and for those of you
who don't like the looks
of the present news, here's
Dick, and the odds are.
Dateline Los Angeles:
Bruce Van Etta,
the man who does
impressions of famous fruits,
was arrested last
night for jaywalking
while crossing Hollywood
Boulevard dressed a a peach.
He was picked up by the fuzz.
(audience laughing)
There was a way to read that.
- Yes go ahead.
- The author of the new
Broadway show Lenny,
about the life of Lenny
Bruce, is being sued
by the owner of the club
Bim Bam, Wally Foonman.
Mr Foonman claims that the
entire script was copied verbatim
from the back wall
of his men's room.
(audience laughing)
Makes sense to me.
- It should've, you wrote it.
- The warden of the
Federal penitentiary
in Atlanta said today
the the conjugal,
I'll have that too,
that the conjugal visits
allowed prisoners in
Cell block C have proved
so successful they're
even thinking about
letting wives come
in now and then.
(audience laughing)
And now, here's Don
with the news of the future.
- 20 years from now,
here's the news of the future.
Sex change operations
for men have become
so commonplace that the
operation is now routine
in most hospitals.
Doctors have you
out of bed and walking
on high heels the next day.
(audience laughing)
- Kind of like the
other one, isn't it?
- I certainly hope not.
News of the future 20 years
from now: as a concession
to women's lib, ladies
have finally been allowed
to compete against men
in professional boxing.
Now you're gonna have
to pay attention to this.
- Lady, I'm on tender hooks.
- The sport still remains
basically the same.
The only noticeable
difference being that now,
it takes hours to
break up the clinches.
(audience laughing)
- And you can't hit
above the belt either.
- Moving right along,
20 years from now,
a strange craft from outer
space landed on Earth today.
As people nervously
gathered around the capsule,
five creatures with
green skin, six eyes,
webbed feet and
tentacles emerged.
They were immediately
rounded up and whisked off
to appear as contestants
on Let's Make a Deal.
(audience laughing)
- In Hollywood, many
restaurants have the practice
of naming dishes
after famous celebrities.
- Is that a thing?
- That's the truth.
Make that new
restaurant in Washington.
Now what they're
doing is naming dishes
for political figures.
(upbeat music)
- Madam, are you ready to order?
- Well no, I'm not quite.
What's in the Red White
and Blue Plate Special?
- Oh, we have the George
McGovern Chicken Fricassee.
It's made with only left wings.
- Sounds expensive.
- Gee, I'm really
not that hungry.
- Oh here, well then
why don't you order
something from our
Federal Snack Bar.
We have the Felix Frig
Fruiters and Warren Burgers,
and the John Lindsay sandwich.
- Oh. What's in that?
- Swiss cheese.
(audience laughing)
- What else have you got?
Anything to drink?
- Oh of course, we have
the new Pentagon Pop.
It's full of secret ingredients.
Unfortunately, a lot of people
find it very hard to swallow.
- But forget it; what
have you got for dessert?
- Oh well, we have the
Spiro Agnew Crepe Suzettes
covered with flaming rhetoric.
- Anything else?
- Oh yeah, the Jimmy
Hoffa Baked Alaska.
The president himself
comes over and takes it out
before it's done.
(audience laughing)
(clapping)
- Now, let's visit
tow of Hollywood's
beautiful people at home for
Breakfast With Lance and Tina.
- Good morning.
(kissing sounds)
(dishes breaking)
- Here we are having
breakfast with Mike Connors,
star of Cert.
- I am not the star of Cert.
- Oh, you aren't?
- Tina, since when are we
having lunch with bit players?
- I am not a bit player.
- You mean you're
not even working?
- Now wait a minute,
this is getting silly!
- Well, it certainly is.
Now we're having breakfast
with an unemployed bum actor.
- There you have it,
ladies and gentlemen,
you heard it here
first, proof positive
that show business can
be cruel and heartless.
- Show business is
not cruel and heartless.
(audience laughing)
- Sure it is.
Two minutes ago, poor
ol' Merv was the star
of his own series, and
now he's an out-of-work
has been, sponging actor
wrecking off us biggies.
- Ridiculous!
(Audience laughing)
(chattering)
- And now, a
special showbiz item.
Tonight's guest telecaster,
one of America's top
TV columnists, Kay Gardella.
- Richard Burton
today outdid himself
when for Elizabeth's
birthday, he presented her
with an 81 pound emerald.
Elizabeth will wear it
at a big party tonight
as soon as she
has her hips pierced.
(audience laughing)
- Now to Japan for a
glance at the Nippon News.
- Hello again.
(gong)
It's time for the Japanese News.
Tonight, we are going to
interview Toshiro Sakanda,
one of the greatest of all
World War II kamikaze pilot.
He ought to be here
any second now.
(loud screeching
and body collapsing)
(audience laughing)
Well, back to you Dan and Dick.
(audience laughing)
- And now over the
wall to East Berlin.
- We have a new
policy now in East Berlin
that any any citizen
wishing to visit,
West Berlin can do so by merely
turning in a written request
und two close relatives.
(audience laughing)
- Now Laugh-In's own
business section, Patti Deutsch.
- A good evening business buffs.
In an effort to attract
more customers,
Air Burbank has
commissioned Joseph Minski,
former owner of
Burlesque Theaters,
to develop a jumbo jet that
will do bumps and grinds
all the way down the
runway while the passengers
yell, "Take it
off, take it off!"
(audience laughing)
- And now to close the
news, these inspiring words:
pooky, pooky, pooky!
(audience laughing)
(singing tango music)
(audience clapping)
- Sarah, you were
delightful in the news.
(audience clapping)
Indeed.
- Thank you.
- But we know you
have many other talents.
- Yeah, you know
ladies and gentlemen,
you may not know it but Sarah
here does great impressions.
- You know, we hear the
best one is Jimmy Cagney.
Come on, do Jimmy Cagney.
- Do you do Jimmy Cagney?
- Yeah, okay.
You dirty rat!
(audience laughing)
- It's amazing.
- But it is a little bit similar
to that character you
do in the Japanese News.
- Oh no, no, no.
If James Cagney were Japanese,
now he'd sound like this.
- Cagney isn't Japanese?
- No, if he was.
(audience laughing)
You dirty rat!
(audience laughing and applause)
- Right away you
can tell the difference!
- General Lee,
now that it's over,
you can tell me what was
the worst part of the war?
- Havin' to go to all
those Bob Hope shows.
(audience laughing)
- I was there when
Louie passed on.
He died in my arms.
- He died in your arms?!
- Yeah, I strangled him.
(audience laughing)
- Who are you?
- I'm Friday.
- who are you?
- I'm the rest of the week.
- Have a good time.
(audience laughing)
- This show reminds
me of Flip Wilson
when he's dressed
up like Geraldine.
A real drag.
(audience laughing)
- Oh that Mannix,
what a life he must lead.
Oh wouldn't it be
wonderful to be his secretary.
I'd work overtime for you.
(calming retro music)
Oh Mannix, I'm so worried.
After all, that gang is a
pack of blood-thirsty killers!
- Oh, now stop worrying.
Somebody has to go out
there and round 'em up.
- I know, but why me?
(audience laughing)
- Now let's be fair, I
tossed you for it, didn't I?
- Yeah, but it didn't have
to be out the window!
I could've landed on my face!
- Didn't ya?
- Well anyway, I won't go!
I won't go!
What if they kidnap me?
- You're absolutely right.
That one defenseless woman
against five desperate men.
- I'll go, I'll go!
(audience laughing)
- You'll need a gun.
- Oh yes, you're right.
They might not as
desperate as I think.
- Yeah, now let me give you
description of the gang leader.
Where's that police bulletin?
- Right there.
- Aha, here it is.
The leader is a short,
squat, dumpy, very ugly
and has a big chin.
Aha!
- Aha, what?
- You're under arrest!
(audience laughing)
- Kiss me, you big lug!
(audience applause)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
- Hey, the police
aren't really takin'
any chances with Louie.
(audience laughing)
(train horn blaring
and crashing)
(comical music)
- Do you think this booze
is made in a bathtub?
(laughing)
- I don't know but every
time I finish a martini,
there's a ring around the olive.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Hey what would happen if
the police raided this place?
- Gee I don't know, why don't
you ask that guy over there?
He's the Chief of Police.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- So this is bathtub gin.
You know, it
really isn't too bad.
- I told you you'd
like it, blue eyes.
Well, bottoms up.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Mrs. Capone.
- Yeah.
- I understand that
your husband, Al
had a lot of legal
expenses last year.
- Mhmm.
- Boy, those lawyers
sure come high.
- Oh not to mention the
12 cops and the judge.
- 12 cops and a judge?
- I told you not to mention it.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- One of my boys
got a little outta line,
so I gave him a brand new car.
- That's not much
of a punishment.
- Oh yeah?
When I gave it to him he
was going 110 miles per hour.
(audience laughing)
Oh Mary, - Yes, mister.
- I'm gonna need a
little ice for my drink.
- I'll get you some.
(ice plops) (audience laughing)
- Boy, those college
kids are really crazy!
I know one who
swallowed 200 in goldfish
and is in the hospital.
- Oh what happened,
they make him sick?
- No, he just kissed a girl
who just swallowed a cat.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- I wonder how they got
all those congressmen
to vote for prohibition.
(laughing)
- They probably took 'em out
and got 'em drunk first.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Feel so good, just won
first prize in a Dad's Marathon.
Dad's seven days
without stopping!
- Oh, what'd ya win?
- A week of dads
lessons at (mumbles)
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- You know Mike,
I think the stock markets
are about to crash.
- Are you kidding?
The stock market has
about as much chance
of crashing as the Hindenburg.
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
- Well aren't you glad
World War I's over.
- Yeah, I sure am.
Only thing that
bothers me though,
if that's a war that's
supposed to end all wars,
how come they gave it a number?
(audience laughing)
(swinging music)
(audience applause)
- Then there was the one
about a lover who drowned,
when his girlfriend's husband
came home unexpectedly
and he had to hide
under the waterbed.
(audience laughing)
- You see, the secret
of being a good detective
is attention to detail.
No matter how insignificant,
can't overlook a thing.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Billy DeWolf please.
This is Mrs. Millie
DeWolf, thank you.
Hello son, oh I have
been busy, busy, busy
redecorating the apartment.
It had become just
too tacky, tacky, tacky.
Oh by the by Billy, I think
my new housekeeper drinks.
She came in one morning
so I admonished her
for coming in late by saying,
"Toddy, toddy, toddy!"
She said, "Don't mind if I do."
And fixed herself
enough hot toddies
for an entire floattila.
(audience laughing and applause)
- And now, here's
Strom Thurmond to sing,
I Found My Thrill
on Capital Hill.
(audience laughing)
- I'm really gonna miss Louie.
He said I was the
only girl he ever loved.
- He said I was the
only girl he ever loved.
- Hey, wait a minute!
He told me I was the
only girl he ever loved!
- So I lied, so shoot me!
(audience laughing)
- Boy I hope you two men
don't try to take advantage
of our situation here.
- Are you kidding?
We'd be foolish to try anything.
- Yeah, you got us
outnumbered three to two.
(audience laughing)
- I was so broke when
I came to Hollywood;
pretty, but broke.
I had to spend my first
week begging for a tin cup.
- I bet you never
knew that Quasimodo
was the world's first bellhop.
(audience laughing)
- Alright, everybody
out of there now.
Just a minute, right here.
Now when we said in
the sermon last week,
"You must love thy neighbor,"
this is not what we had in mind.
(comical music)
- Hey, you hear
about the guy who got
the track star's
daughter in trouble?
They had a shot put wedding.
(audience laughing)
(clapping)
- Well I only...
- Oh, just shut up!
But I...
- Just shut up!
(audience laughing)
Shut your mouth!
And now Laugh-In presents
the Rowan and Martin's
Report on Law and Order,
and we'll begin with the flying
fickle finger of fate award.
- Aha, can I talk now?
- Yes.
- Who gets the happy
handful this time?
- Well, no other than
the pride of Los Angeles's
finest, Police Chief Ed Davis.
- Don't tell me he
arrested Sam Yorty
for impersonating a mayor.
- No no! (audience laughing)
No, he didn't do that.
Chief Davis has come up
with a novel, though somewhat
drastic method of
dealing with skyjackers.
- Well now, skyjacking is
a very serious business.
- It certainly is,
but there must be
a better way to handle
it than the Chief's idea.
According to the LA
Times article we have here,
Chief Davis recommends
that "we conduct a rapid trial
"for a hijacker and then we
hang him with due process
"of law right out
there at the airport."
- Good heavens, it seems to
me there's enough hijackers
hanging around
the airport as it is!
(audience laughing)
Is he really serious?
- Oh, I don't know, but
the chief says he wants
to try, convict, and
execute them with
"a portable courtroom on a
big bus and portable gallows."
- Sort of take the bus,
and leave the hanging to us.
(audience laughing)
- That's the idea.
- Los Angeles Tower to
Gallows, clear the hang on
on Runway 114.
(chattering and laughter)
- Everybody wants
to put a stop to...
- Was that close?
- Close.
Everybody would
like to put a stop
to air piracy, but
doesn't this sound
more a bit like
frontier justice?
Well maybe we should
change the charge
from skyjacking
to airplane rustling.
- And so Chief Davis,
with due process
on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
here is your fickle finger.
- And hang it in your office.
Airports are crowded as it is.
- But do it later; right now,
let's take a look
at law and order.
(upbeat music and
fingers snapping)
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Self-Respecting law and order
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Hide that stash
across the border
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
Let me catch you doing wrong
I collected their bail uh huh
If you're naughty
then you belong Where
In a place where
with bars and padlocks
That they call the jail
Tell it to the court reporter
Here come the judge The judge
We believe in law and order
Here come the judge
Here come the judge
The judge Even probably
when you did good
He don't carry no grudge
My friend you'll have
to hear it from the judge
Here come the judge
- What's happening, judge baby?
(clapping and upbeat music)
- Hey, hey have you
heard about the burglar
who was trapped in the
lingerie department by the police?
- Did they catch him?
- No, he gave them the slip.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, hey I know a guy
who got in real trouble
for taking the law
into his own hands.
His wife caught him
kissing a meter maid.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna tear
off all your clothes
and run my hands over your body.
Then I'm gonna
beat you with the stick
until you can't stand up.
Then I'm gonna drag
you in the bedroom,
and then I'm gonna...
- Okay, okay but how
about a few drinks first.
(comical music)
- Listen, it's gotten
so bad that every time
I go out on the street,
some man attacks me.
- Where does all this happen?
- Oh, the best ones are
over on Sunset Boulevard.
(audience laughing)
(suspenseful music)
(comical music)
- Wait a minute, Rocco.
You just gave me
the kiss of death.
- Nah, nothin' like that.
I just think you're cute.
(comical music)
- You know, crime
is getting terrible.
I read about this guy
who was on his way
to hold up a bank
and he got mugged.
(audience laughing)
(western music)
- Okay, put it on the table.
- Okay, put yours on the table.
- Yeah, you put
yours on the table.
- Nice work, Black Bart.
- Alright, now you two
men put yours on the table.
- Alright, now you three
put yours on the table.
- Hey Bernie, where
do you want these?
- [Man] Just put
them on the table.
(audience laughing)
(table breaking)
- Well I just read
about an abortionist
who was convicted and sentenced
to nine months hard labor.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, hello there.
- Well.
- Listen, Mr Krakau,
I need a lawyer.
You see, I've been
accused of stealing
a half million dollars
worth of diamonds,
and I swear to you that
I'm perfectly innocent.
- Well I'd need at least
$1000 as a retainer.
- Oh well now, this ought
to cover it right there.
(audience laughing)
- Hey well, wait a
minute, one reason
so many people wind
up in jail is poverty.
We all agree to that?
They simply couldn't
afford a decent getaway car.
(comical music)
- Oh Your Honor,
Please sentence me!
Please put me away
before I kill again.
Please sentence me!
- What do you got here, Johnson?
- That sir, is the
Bakersville Strangler.
He's already confessed
to 48 murders.
- Did you confess to this?
- Yes I did, please
send me away.
Send me away forever!
- Johnson. Did you advise
this man of his rights?
- His rights, sir?
No sir, I forgot.
- Well Strangler,
according to the law,
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to let you go.
- But I don't wanna
go, I'm guilty!
- Well, I'm sorry; they
obtained an illegal confession.
You can't stay, it's the law.
- But I'm guilty I tell ya!
- That has nothing
to do with it.
- Your confession
is inadmissible
and it violates
the Constitution.
Now get outta my courtroom
before I hold you in contempt.
- Go on. (audience laughing)
- Some people have
no respect for the law.
(gavel banging)
Next sketch. (comical music)
- Alright this is a stickup.
Don't anybody move!
Alright, one of
you come up here.
Come here, come on!
One of you come up here.
Where are ya?
- Right here.
- Hey listen, I
forgot my glasses.
Which one is the teller?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, now you put all
your small bills in this bag.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
- Hey Miss, any of those
trying to make a break?
- Yeah, there's one
man right over there.
- Where?
- There.
- Hey hold it, don't you move!
Alright, now back
against the wall.
Back against the wall.
Are you back against the wall?
- Yeah, I'm back
against the wall.
- Alright now,
don't anybody move
and nobody will get hurt, okay?
I'm gettin' outta here
so don't any of you move.
Back up now, don't you move!
Don't move!
I'm warning ya, I'll
shoot ya if you move.
I got a hostage now.
Don't anybody move.
If you stay here, I
won't shoot anybody.
It's gonna be okay.
Come on hostage,
let's gt outta here.
(comical music)
- I beg your pardon, madam!
Well we heard the alarm,
came as fast as we can.
Which way did he go?
- He just went
out the front door.
Didn't ya see him?
- No, all I saw was some
weirdo with a coat rack
and a bag of groceries.
(audience laughing)
- In my house, we figured
there's a crime every 20 seconds.
That's a lot of
crime for one house.
(audience laughing)
- Some of the kids, they
like to call a policeman pigs.
It seems like an
odd job for a pig,
pulling everybody
else's fat out of the file.
- I tell ya, in these
terrible days of drugs,
crime, and violence,
it's comforting to know
we have a man like Efrem
Zimbalist Jr running the FBI.
(audience laughing)
- I find you guilty and I'm
gonna throw the book at ya.
(audience laughing)
- That's another sketch.
Whoever said crime doesn't
pay obviously has no idea
of how many lawyers
live in Beverly Hills.
(audience laughing)
- Before he died, Louie
had one last request.
- What was that?
- Please don't kill me.
(audience laughing)
- Court cases are
really backed up.
I heard about one
man who was arrested
for drinking as a minor.
Before the case came
up, he died of old age.
(audience groaning)
(comical music)
- This man is guilty, and
here's my final piece of evidence.
Bring in that giant
bowl of tapioca.
(comical music)
There is the murder weapon.
After all, the proof
is in the pudding.
(audience laughing)
There go the judge
There go the judge
There go the judge
(audience clapping)
(water splashing)
- This is the part
of the show we call
Questions and Answers,
when I take questions
from the studio audience.
In the past weeks,
there apparently
has been some
misunderstanding about that.
You're supposed
to ask the questions
and I give you the answers,
and I'm sure that's the reason
that no one has
ever put their hand up
to answer questions because
you didn't really understand
that during the question
and answer period,
that you're the ones that
are, (audience laughing)
Don't ask 'em now.
- Pal, I gotta tell
you something,
that's the last
time I ever dress up
as a woman on Halloween.
- You gonna cut it out on
weekends at the house too?
(audience laughing)
- I stopped that over
a week and a half ago.
- I want you to
know something, pal.
As a woman, I
find you repulsive,
disgusting and
totally unattractive.
- Does that mean that
it's all over between us?
(audience laughing)
- I think you can make
that assumption yes.
Now how did you get like this?
- Well, I guess you
can say it all started
when I was a boy.
I was a small boy
and I saw my mother
putting pink lipstick on.
- What's so unusual about that?
- Well, she was
putting it on my father.
(audience laughing)
- Why would your
father wear pink lipstick?
- 'Cause it matched
his purse, ya dummy.
(audience laughing)
- I still don't
understand why you,
you look like you've
been all torn up.
Excuse me.
- That's my trick-or-treat
bag, dummy.
- Where ya been?
- Well, I made the
mistake of going
trick-or-treating down at
the Los Angeles Harbor.
- At the LA Harbor?
What was wrong with that?
- Well, how was I to
know that the fleet was in?
(audience laughing)
Just docked after
four years at sea.
- After four years, I'd
imagine those sailors
a little anxious to get home.
- That isn't all they
were anxious to get.
(audience laughing)
- Why didn't you tell
them you were dressed up
for Halloween?
- No, I forgot frankly.
And then I made an
even bigger mistake.
- I don't believe it.
- I yelled out trick or treat.
(audience laughing)
- And what was wrong with that?
- Well, they all picked treat.
(audience laughing)
- I certainly hope you
have learned your lesson.
- Well, I certainly have.
Next time, I won't
wear my good dress.
(audience laughing)
- You don't mean you're gonna
do this again next Halloween?
- What are you talking about?
I'm not finished with
this Halloween yet.
I still have to meet
the USS California
and the USS Missouri.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Al was one of the great
gin bootleggers of all times.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Ah excuse me, but do
you have anything nice
in a double-breasted
suit? (chuckles)
- I could ask you
the same question.
What was the question again?
- Do you have something
nice in a double-breasted suit?
- Certainly, how about
Mr. Perks over there?
Not to mention I'm Mr. Cummings.
- Mr. Cummings?
- I told you not to mention him.
(audience laughing)
- You know they're
making a movie
about the Los Angeles Skyline?
It's called The Lost Horizon.
(audience laughing)
- Why do you put on
that dumb perfume on for?
- I thought it would
make me smell real nice
so you would respect
me as a woman.
- What is it called?
- Gallow. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(chips splatting)
(both laughing)
- Hello, I'm Charles
Nelson Reilly.
You've seen... I know you did.
You've seen me on Laugh-In.
- Loved you on Laugh-In.
- Thank you so much.
Hollywood Squares,
and of course...
- You're funny on that show.
- Thank you.
Not to mention, The
Dean Martin Show.
- The Dean Martin Show?!
- You were told
not to mention that.
- Boy, I knew it was gonna
be a bad day this morning
when I got outta
both sides of the bed.
(audience laughing)
- Well General Lee, now
that you've lost the war,
what do you have to say?
- How about making
it two outta three?
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(bus horn honking)
- I've got the yo-yo.
- I've got the string.
- The cigar box has
seven cigars left.
- Bertha's mustache caught fire.
- You must be X-5.
- I'm X-5.
- Good to see you again, X-5.
- I couldn't take a chance.
- You probably
don't remember me.
- Not really.
- We worked together in
Berlin about 12 years ago.
- 12 years ago.
- Remember that
little Beer Garden?
- Beer Garden.
- Yes, I was the tall blonde
girl in the green dress.
- I remember you!
Which was the disguise?
- We don't have a lot of time.
We've been waiting for
you for five nights now.
You were supposed to
be here five nights ago.
- I couldn't lose my contact.
- Is that a fact?
You haven't been shadowed,
have you?
- No.
- Do you have your instructions?
- I don't have them.
- That's what you
were supposed to say.
I have all your
instructions for you
and they've been changed.
- They have been changed?
- A little.
They're a little complicated,
you better write 'em down.
- I don't have to write it down,
I have a pornographic,
photographic memory.
(audience laughing)
- You never forget anything?
- No, everything is indelibly...
- Indelibly etched.
- That's close enough.
- That's so wonderful,
thankfully to have.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Alright.
- You don't remember
me from Berlin?
- Yes I'm starting to.
- Before someone comes
by: you start in London,
you go to Turn Burrows,
get the shirts fitted.
Tell him you want
a size 15, 39 sleeve.
(back and forth chatter)
(audience laughing)
- isn't that odd how
nothing fits anymore?
- In that pocket
you will see a ticket.
Chartered flight to Paris.
When you get to Paris,
12:07, seven
minutes past midnight.
You take a little walk
outside of the airport terminal,
you will see a man
with a leather helmet.
He is your pilot.
Just outside the airport
there's a private plane.
At 5,000 feet at exactly
1:36, you bail out.
- I bail out?
(audience laughing)
- Have you got me so far?
- I lost you at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery!
- I thought I went to a
bakery in Cleveland first.
I started the shirt thing,
where I had no idea.
(both shushing and whistling)
- I've got the yo-yo.
- I've got the string.
(audience laughing)
- You must be X-15.
- I'm X-15.
- You know X-5?
- I'm X-5.
- They told me at
headquarters that you knew X-5.
- I didn't know X-5.
- I had a mustache
and a beard last time.
- You're gonna meet X-5 in Paris
after he's made the drop.
- Do you wanna write
the instructions down
or you...
- No, I've got
a pornographic.
- Photographic.
- In my steel trap.
- Well you outta make a
good pair, the two of you.
As soon as you get
in the pick-up truck
after he has landed.
(audience laughing)
(back and forth chatting)
You drive exactly 17
kilometers from the drop zone,
you'll find a little
white farmhouse.
You go up and knock on the
door of the farmhouse four times.
A small four foot 11 little girl
then you hit her right away.
No no no, that's your size.
Have you followed me so far?
- No I lost you at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery.
You've got to remember,
you have to get the formula.
The formula's in this
little French village
and it's in a beer can.
Now have you got a good opener?
- Oh yeah, we've got
a wonderful opener.
- Yeah, what is it?
- Oh, it's... To-Too
tootsie goodbye
(audience laughing and applause
- If you were born on
this date, you are a Virgo.
Virgoans are not
sensitive to heights,
but are afraid of widths.
Your lucky day is November 36,
then your lucky number is
888 or any combination thereof.
You are extremely sensitive
and hate being slapped on
the back with a two-by-four.
You love to dress-up
in frilly-lace things.
But don't let your wife find
out because she does it.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I don't look
like this by mistake.
I watch my diet carefully.
In fact, I count calories.
You know I'm up to
nine million, 632 billion,
right now
and that was for
breakfast and lunch.
(audience laughing)
- My TV show is about a
detective who's down in the dumps.
It's called Manic Depressives.
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(whistle blowing)
(water splashing)
- We'd like to thank tonight's
guest star, Mike Connors.
- Hey that's not Mike
Connors, that's Joe Mannix!
Watch him hit somebody!
- Wait a minute.
Would you guys mind if
I told just one little joke?
- Well we haven't seen
it, you can't just do a joke.
Censors have a little
hangup about that thing.
- Well you know he's right,
maybe you oughta
whisper it in my ear
and I'll tell you
if it's alright.
- Oh sure.
- You tell him?
- (laughs) Hey mister,
your sign fell down.
That's a funny punchline.
Go ahead and tell it. (laughs)
- Go ahead and tell it?
He just told the punchline
and he says go ahead and tell it.
Everybody on this show is nuts.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know
why he didn't tell it,
that was a funny joke!
- You think that's funny,
look what's gonna
be on next week.
(whistle blowing)
- [Announcer] Our
guest is Don Rickles.
(audience clapping)
(comedic music)
For these great cameos,
Charlie Callas.
Kent McCord and Martin Milner.
- Hey I just heard
about an airline
who had to find
one of their skycaps.
- What for?
- Huh?
The poor guy lost his grip.
(audience laughing)
- What do you get when
you break a shuttlecock?
- [Dan] I don't know, what?
- Seven years badminton!
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute!
Dan!
- What?
- Did you hear about
the nervous chef?
- No, what about him?
- Well he was always
on pans and noodles.
(audience laughing)
- May I have your
attention, all of you?
Did you hear about
the crazy contortionist?
- [Everyone] No!
- (Mumbles) finally
straightened him out.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I
knew a contortionist.
- [Everyone] Yeah?
- He was so shy, he couldn't
look himself in the face.
(audience laughing)
- Who got outta prison
by makin' deals
with NASA Officials?
- What what?
- NASA Officials.
- I don't know, who?
The Count of Monte Cristo.
- No!
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, now.
Everyone gets a second chance.
Alright, who gets outta prison
by making deals
with NASA Officials?
- I don't know, who?
- The Countdown of Monte Cristo.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Ruth!
- Yes.
- I took one of
those tests at work
that tell you how honest you are
and I got an A.
- Gee, how'd you do that?
- I cheated.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle has been
out of the job so long,
that the guys at the
unemployment office
gave him a gold watch.
(audience laughing)
And it doesn't work either.
(audience laughing)
(everyone groans)
- Hey Sarah,
I understand there's a new
gay liberation rock group out.
- Ah, what's it called?
- the Papa's and the Papa's.
(audience laughing)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Yeah but did I tell
you about my brother
who had to go
to the psychiatrist
because he thought
he was a banana?
- And I don't
wanna hear about it.
- Unfortunately before
they cured him, he rotted.
(audience laughing)
- It's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- [Everyone] Goodnight, Dick!
(audience applause)
- Goodnight, Dick.
I was here the other
day and a guy came in
and said, "Do you have
any sporting equipment?"
I said, "I certainly do,
"but Dan Rowan doesn't
want me to mention it."
(audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Mike.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dicky,
Dicky, Dicky. (giggles)
- [Everyone] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick! (blows kiss)
- [Everyone] Goodnight, Dick.
(water splashes)
- [Dick] Missed.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Hi, sailor.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Dan, would you say
goodnight to Dick for me?
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(audience laughing)
(car door shutting)
(audience laughing)
(car hood squeaking)
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(car hood slamming)
(audience laughing)
(door shutting) (car revving)
(water splashing)
(woman laughing creepily)