Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 3 - Episode #6.3 - full transcript
- Oh why it's Captain Amazing.
Are you preparing to stamp
out evil and corruption?
- Yes.
And I'm going to start with NBC
where they're about to begin
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
and that's a job for
Captain Amazing.
- [Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen
it's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, thank
you very much.
Well, thank you.
Well I guess you're
looking forward
to tonight's guests, huh?
William Conrad
the star of Cannon.
(shout)
- It is I Captain Amazing.
- Well it's Bill Conrad,
Bill good to see you.
- Ah yes, Bill Conrad.
Meek, mild mannered
star of his own TV series,
but in reality (cymbal)
Captain Amazing.
- That's amazing.
- No no I'm amazing.
You're Dan, he's Dick.
- Yep that's right,
he's Dick and I'm Dan.
- That's amazing.
- No you're amazing.
- Well thank you very
much, and now I must be off.
- Certainly can't
argue with you on that.
- Someone's in distress.
- Who?
- I am, this
girdle's killing me.
(thundering crash)
- It's a bus, it's a moose,
it's Captain Amazing.
- Able to eat big
lunches in a single bite.
- Ready to stomp
out weight watching
whenever it rears
its hungry head.
- Defending America's
right to life, liberty
and a giant pizza
with everything.
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
sheet metal works
and gypsy tea room
NBC the not bad
considering network
brings you Rowan and
Martin's Laugh In starring
the very stately Dan Rowan
and the slightly
stagnant Dick Martin.
With tonight's special
guest William Conrad
with Ruth Buzzi
Lily Tomlin
Denis Allen
Brian Bressler
Patti Deutsch
Sarah Kennedy
Jud Strunk
Willie Tyler and Lester
Ian Bernard and
his band of bards
with cameo appearances
by Bob Crane
Nanette Fabray
Henry Mancini
Alexis Smith
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this thought
son of a gun I
thought I had a thought
I know I did
- I'm telling my jokes
tonight in sign language
so that people with
a hearing handicap
can just laugh right along
with the rest of us, huh?
Or not laugh right
along with the rest of us.
Listen this is a
Laugh In Want Ad
A refined woman
eh 40 ish
would like to meet
refined bartender
50 ish
object getting drunky ish.
- [Announcer] And now once
again Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Thank you very much
good evening and welcome.
Welcome to another
edition of Laugh In.
Tonight we're really
gonna take you ba
Dick - Huh?
- What are you doing?
- I'm afraid.
- What are you afraid of?
- I'm afraid someone's
gonna come and get me.
- Yeah I'm afraid someone's
not gonna come and get you.
I've been looking for the
guys in little white coats.
Now come on what are you
afraid about, get out here.
- It really scares me.
- What scares you.
That someone's after you?
- Yes.
- Well that's a phobia. (scream)
What's the matter?
- I'm afraid of them too.
- You're afraid of phobias?
- Phobias phobias.
- That's what it means
it means it's an
unreasonable fear - Fear.
- Like acrophobia - Acra
- You know what that is?
- No.
- You're afraid of acras.
- I'm acras
- No acrophobia,
fear of heights.
- Heights are good, yeah.
- Claustrophobia.
- Claustras.
- You're afraid of - Closets
- Well yeah, a closed in space.
- I have all those, I also
have squashaphobia.
- Squashaphobia.
- Yeah that's a fear that
Jackie Gleeson will fall on you.
- Oh that's silly.
- I also have raquelaphobia.
- Raquel, you're afraid Raquel
Walch Welch will fall on you?
- No Walch or Welch
I don't care which.
- Either one Raquel
you're afraid she could
- She could fall on
me anytime (laughs)
- What are you afraid about?
- Well I'm just
afraid that's all,
I'm entitled to be afraid.
- I don't want to hear any more.
- (screams) Take it away.
- Take what away?
- I have pipephobia.
- You're afraid of pipes?
- So am I.
- No foolin'.
- Sure.
- You mean the
- Even the word
scares me don't say it.
- Don't say what?
- Pipe (screams).
- Settle down, just settle down,
wait a minute, alright
easy easy okay.
- Stroke me.
- Okay.
- I've been partners
with you for 21 years,
you've never asked me
to stroke you (laughs).
- Well I've never
been so (laughs)
I've never been so scared.
- Alright now just
simmer down now now
you have nothing
to be afraid of.
The only thing to do
about fear is to examine it,
because fear is
based on ignorance
and boy have you
got a lot to be afraid of.
Alright now look.
- Right.
Now this is the stamp.
- That's the stamp -
Nothing to be afraid of
- I'm not afraid of stamps, no.
- This is the bowl.
- Bowl, most bowls
I'm not afraid of.
- Okay now that's
a briar you see
a nice straight grain briar,
okay put the stem into the bowl
okay nothing to
be afraid of there.
This is the tobacco,
alright you tamp down
the tobacco like that.
- Smells kinda nice.
- Doesn't that smell nice?
And you get yourself
a match and you light it,
what have you got?
- Pipe (screams).
- I have partneraphobia,
you see I have this
unreasonable fear
I'm gonna run into
him at the cocktail party.
(audience applauding)
- You know the heat
wave was so bad last month
I saw a cop chasing a mugger
and they were both in line
at an Orange Julius stand.
(upbeat brassy music)
- Our town is so small, we
all had the same flu shot.
- Patti my darling.
- Yes Sarah my perfect.
- People were breaking
into my apartment
so often and robbing it that
I finally had to go out
and get myself a
vicious watchdog.
- Oh well have you
had anything stolen
from your apartment since then?
- Well I don't know, you
see, I can't get back in.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Dick I want you to know
I never fool around
on the first date.
- Oh,
well how 'bout I pick you
up tomorrow night at seven
and nine?
- Get down, oh
hey lady what's up?
Do you know that
37% of all the people
in America have shop lifted?
- Well how did
you find that out?
- I read it in a book I stole.
- Waiter would you fill
that up for me please?
- Oh sure.
(dinging bell)
- Well there you are now doctor,
would you like me
to get your windows?
- Ah thank you
never mind the oil.
Hey you know one thing?
- What?
- I had a psychiatric
patient one time
who was suffering from
the German measles.
- Oh suffering from
the German measles.
- Ja and before we
could cure him, hah
he managed to
escape to Argentina.
- You know, in New
York City Mayor Lindsay
has really cracked down
on the noise pollution.
Now if you're mugged
you're only allowed
to whisper for help.
- Well Jud - Yes, Lil
- It was really pitch dark
in Los Angeles today.
- Was there an eclipse?
- No the air was so bad
the sun phoned in sick.
- Hi Mary.
- Hi Kenneth.
What a drag, I got a
headache my feet are killing me
I can't wait to get
out of here and relax.
- Oh well where
are you gonna go?
- I'm gonna go
to a cocktail party.
- You know if you take more
of the government's money
than you're entitled to
you're called a welfare cheat.
And if you give the
government less money
than they're entitled to
they're calling
you a millionaire.
- Do you realize it costs $92
a day to be in the hospital?
- Well Ruthy no wonder
my doctor's never there.
- Mr Conrad,
when you're plump, portly,
ample?
- What you're
trying to say is fat.
- Fat that's the word
well when you're
fat is it hard to find
a comfortable
position to sleep in?
- Well kind of I like
to sleep face down
but I have to fluff
up my stomach first.
Oh waiter, how 'bout
a glass of champagne?
- Oh hey that's a
great idea, I'd love one.
- Your attention please,
will the person who
put up the brick wall
behind the with platformate sign
kindly assist in hospital
and medical expenses
brought about
by his little joke.
- Yes commissioner my keen
vision detects an enemy plane
heading for our
shores, do not fear,
I Captain Amazing
will grapple with
it single handed.
(boing)
Course it may take
me a while to get there.
- Hey
what do you hear
from your old lady?
- Good news, she's
gonna have a baby.
- How can that be,
you've been in here
over a year and a half.
- I know, she always
knew I wanted a kid
and it's just like her
there's not a selfish
bone in her body.
- Well the problem
is counselor is
well we don't have any privacy,
my husbands family
they're always around,
they interfere in everything.
- [All] That's not true.
- Now General Lee
now that the war is over
all slaves are to be free.
- Thank goodness we
used to have to buy them.
- Announcement
the pollution in
Lake Erie is so bad
it not only killed all the fish
but a lot of the row
boats have died too.
- Hello.
- Oh hi.
What's this?
Oh this, this is an
old English bugle
that was used for the
charge of the light brigade.
- The charge of the light
brigade, does it work?
- Oh watch.
(bugling)
- Charge.
- People ask me why I
compose my music on the piano.
It's because when I
compose it on my dog
it sounds awful (barking).
- You know actresses
are funny people.
Some wouldn't think
of living with a man
before they married them.
And others wouldn't
think of living with them
after they married them.
- I could rock this
chair right off the porch
if I wanted to.
And a terrible thing happened.
A horrible thing.
Momma told me that children
are not supposed to play
in the streets 'cause
they might get hit by a car,
but yesterday I
played in the street
and a car didn't hit me.
But I seen a bus hit a car,
I think the car was
trying to stop hitting me,
but the bus hit the car.
And I'll tell you
I don't think they should
let buses play in the street.
And that's the truth.
- Hey can you help me?
- Huh?
- I think it was very
nice of Father Keller
to allow us to form a
softball team, don't you?
- Yes but do you think it's fair
to give sister Evelyn 10 Hail
Marys for stealing second?
- Gee I'm sure gonna
miss poor old Eddie.
- Yeah he was a nice guy
despite all those
dumb practical jokes
he was always playing.
- Excuse me sir
I've got a very important
appointment in a half hour,
my suit needs pressing,
could you help me out?
- Right away sir.
(steam crackling)
- You know people ask me
why I spend so much time
out in the middle of
the ocean on my boat
because when I go out
there without my boat
I almost drown.
- Hey Joe - Huh?
- I'm planning a robbery,
want to get in on it.
- Oh yeah yeah could I?
- Okay stick 'em up.
- Well we've all seen
game show hosts
in action on television
haven't you often wondered
what they're like at home?
(doorbell dings)
(drumming)
- And now the head of
our house Monty Hale.
(cymbal crash)
- Good evening good evening
and welcome and first
let me meet my family.
- I'm your daughter Betty
and I like water skiing and
I'm from Hollywood, California.
- Good girl, Betty.
- I'm your son Kip and I like
game shows and Rod Serling.
- Atta boy Kip.
- And I'm your
lovely wife Carol.
- Hello.
- And I've got a secret.
- You have, what is it?
- Well as usual, you have to
take off your coat and relax.
- But of course we
wouldn't be much of a family
if we didn't try to make
it a little difficult for you,
so we've gone and
moved the closet.
- Oh wow, I'm livid with
you making fun like this.
- Now, is the closet
behind door number one,
door number two or
door number three?
- [Kip] Take three, take three.
No take the coat
I'd take the coat.
(drumming)
- Oh, oh.
Alright alright door
number two no no
door number door number three
door number one.
(cymbal)
- Oh and it's the back yard.
I'm sorry you did not
choose the right door
so you lose your coat.
Now would you like to
come back next week
and try for your pants?
(silly kazoo music)
(clanging)
- Let me in let me in.
- Oh good, you're just in time
for Laugh In's
salute to the press.
- Huh, let me out.
Give a yell, cheer, lend an ear
Get ready for the big salute
Let's give a hoot,
hey, hip hooray
We're layin' on the big salute
Put aside your worries
all the strain and stress
Rowan and Martin's Laugh
In's gonna look at the press
Give a rah rah sis boom ba
Get ready for the big salute
Get ready get ready
get ready get ready
Get ready for the big salute
(audience applause)
- You know it's sad
after all those years
as a top TV news man
Chet Huntley ends up
playing piano in a 747 lounge.
- No Dick that's wrong.
- It certainly is,
you'd think at least they'd
let him work the main room.
- You know newspapers
are really informative
why in this morning's Times,
eight government
secrets were revealed.
And that was just
in the comic section.
- You know something,
I think Ed is giving people a
slanted opinion of the news.
- Using the one
way on the freeway
doesn't get you into
trouble like a driver can.
- TV news reports are not
as useful as newspapers
I mean how can you put
(laughs) a television set
on the bottom of your bird cage?
- I understand that
the Los Angeles Times
is the most unbiased
newspaper in the world today.
- Where'd you hear that?
- I read it in the
Los Angeles Times.
- I heard that
according to the FCC
you know all the
sex and violence
has to come out
of TV programming.
- Oh man that's a
drag, that's a real drag
well there goes you
know Dean Martin Show,
Mannix, and the best
part of the six o'clock news.
- Ruth do you think
any commentators
have actually
staged news stories?
- No, why?
- Well it says right
here that one news show
got nominated for an Emmy
as a best dramatic series.
- Mom - Yes
- I think Bill's gonna
pop the question tonight.
- Oh and what are you gonna say?
- No.
- Well why on earth.
- Well he's been a TV
reporter for so long that
he's just too
wrapped up in his job.
- Now what makes you say that?
(doorbell)
- Oh there he is now.
- Hello sweetheart, how are you?
Here's the news.
- You know when somebody
yells stop the press in Saigon
it means president Thieu
just closed down
another newspaper.
- We've been here in the
rain and the fog all morning
just to bring you the
story of Elmo Wacker,
rescued after being
lost at sea for 37 days
without food or water.
Here he comes now, c'mon
hurry it up Mr Wacker, listen
you must have
been terribly hungry
not having anything
to eat for 37 days,
I'll bet you got
really thirsty too
all that water and
nothing to drink.
Tell us about the awful
thirst you had Mr Wacker.
Oh and what about the day
that your wife was
washed overboard that
- Yes I'm thirsty, I'm
very sad about my wife
but I'm fed up with
insensitive reporters.
- Wait a minute
a news person has just
been knocked to the ground.
How does it feel being hit
with your own microphone?
- How can you be so insensitive?
Can't you see I've just been
hit with my own microphone?
- The press is revealing so
many governmental secrets
I know one paper that
has a declassified section.
- You know what I
don't understand?
- [All] What?
- I'll explain it to you.
If the pentagon doesn't want
to get into the newspapers
why do they mark it top secret?
- [All] Right.
- You know
- [Dan] Go ahead Dennis.
- Thanks.
I don't mind (mumbles)
becoming news casters
- [Lily] What you
don't mind what?
- I don't mind athletes
becoming news casters,
you know what I mean.
- [Man] Why?
- Yeah, but do
they have to refer to
the house of representative
as the bullpen?
- Small town television stations
are frequently on
such a low budget
that one man has
to do the job of many
and here's one such
station doing the news.
- And now it's time
for the six o'clock news
and here's our
newscaster William Quigley.
Thank you very much and good
evening ladies and gentlemen,
here's the latest
news from Washington.
The president announced today
that he will address
congress soon
on his new economic program
and now here with a commentary
on that story is Eric Severel.
Well
we all know
what that means don't we.
Thank you Eric.
And now here are major
developments from abroad.
Premier Kosygin has announced
he intends to visit
America shortly
and see its most
outstanding landmarks,
meanwhile in Rome,
officials have crowned
the new Miss Italy,
Angelina Scalise of Palermo.
Isn't she love
ly
And now here is Kelly Long
with the weather.
There will be two inches
of sun tomorrow afternoon
followed by early evening
and a high of 37 pounds.
Now here with sports
is that famous ex
athlete Homer T Brown.
Oh, thanks Bill.
Now here are the
football scores.
It was Green Bay 24,
the Redskins 17
and Arnold Palmer 68.
That's the news good
night from all of us.
(audience applause)
I quit I have had
it, this is ridiculous,
I'm not gonna do 10
peoples jobs anymore.
I'm sorry Quigley,
but we can't afford
to give you a raise.
Okay then I quit.
Wait a minute,
and I'll go with you.
- Henry, you know
you wrote a lot of songs
with Johnny Mercer.
Tell me, who writes the words
and who writes the music?
- I are the one
who write the music.
- And a good thing.
- You know conditions
in this place are terrible.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna write a
letter to my congressman.
- Well I'll save
you eight cents.
I'm your congressman.
- Captain Amazing,
there's a runaway train
can you do something?
- Well of course I can.
Pardon me boys, is that
the Chatanooga Choo Choo
Track twenty nine, boy
you can give me a shine
(silly whistling music)
- Stay tuned for the second half
of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
and see if you can find
the hidden pony, whoopie.
- And now for a quick peek
at what people are
saying about safety in cars.
You know Dick some awful
things can happen in an automobile.
- I know, do I ever know,
happened here last night.
- What?
- Well there we were
parked in the moonlight
and Sheila Lauter
said - Dick not now.
- That's exactly what Sheila
said, how did you know?
- I am talking
about safety in cars.
- So was Sheila.
- And so tonight
we're going to see what the
man or woman on the street
has to say about
automobile safety.
(horn honks)
- My name is Henderson
and I have a foolproof
safety device in my car.
Whenever I go
over the speed limit
it starts to make noise and
won't stop until I slow down.
- Well tell me Mr
Henderson, what is it called?
- Mrs Henderson.
- After ramming 650
cars into a brick wall
in the interest of safer bumpers
a major auto company
announced today
the retirement of 150
punchy test drivers.
(horn honks)
- Hey y'all look here,
I have a Saint
Christopher statue
that stands on the
front of my dashboard
and when I get too close
to another automobile
it goes look out you dummy.
(laughter)
- Well listen, you know what?
- I just saw Flip
Wilson's new car.
- [Man] No.
- Yes, it did.
And it's got stereo
and air conditioning
and black power steering.
- In Israel they equip
their cars with airbags
filled with chicken
soup, they do
that way if you
get in an accident
you not only won't get hurt,
you won't even get a sickness.
- It's more dangerous for
some people to drive than others.
- [Bill] How is that?
- Well because of
the way they're built.
- [Woman] Yeah?
- Well for instance
every time Raquel Welch
makes a hard right turn
she snaps open the
glove compartment.
- Well this is a
wonderful bit of news.
Recently an automotive
safety engineer
found a definite
improvement in applying
foam rubber padding
to the front bumper.
Heck I have known a lot of girls
who have been
doing that for years.
- All kidding aside,
automobile safety is
nothing to kid about.
- Yes and remember
in driving the best
kind of safety glass
is the kind you don't drink.
- That's very good.
- Thank you.
- You know a lot of
people don't know
that I started out
as an impressionist,
now here is my impression
of a German Shepherd.
You vill stay in the pasture,
und you will eat your grass
und enjoy it.
- Hey I see where they
put the rubber bands
on the circuits in jail.
- They did?
- Yeah, 112 times.
(cranking)
(boing)
Is that hard to do man?
- I'm a sick man,
what can I get in this place
that won't upset my stomach?
- How 'bout
change for a quarter.
- Mild mannered reporter who
masquerades as Captain Amazing.
How would you like a
punch in the mouth, huh?
- Just a moment, wait.
Wait until I slip into
this phone booth
and change into the costume
that renders me invulnerable.
(thundering)
You wouldn't hit a
woman would you?
- Oh, gee no.
- Good.
- Want ad.
Reward
to the thief who broke into
the Burbank Art Museum
will you please please
return the baseball cards
no questions asked.
- You may remember at
the beginning of the year
we were waiting for Fannie
Farkel to have a baby any day now
and we're still waiting
as Fannie Farkel says
- Say Frank, you've
been saying Fannie's
gonna have a baby
any day now for 30 days,
shouldn't you find out
if this is fact of fancy.
- Nothing fanciful here Ferd
I finally phoned a fearless
foot pad to fathom this foolery
hark who can that be?
(doorbell)
Excuse me, Ferd.
- Alright Frank.
- I'm the fearless
foot pad you phoned
to fathom this
foolery remember me?
- No can't say I do.
- Frank Canon here.
- Put it there Mr Here
I'm Frank Farkel, Frank
Frank and Frank, Fannie,
Ferd Frank, Frank
Ferd, Frank Darkel
- Hey baby.
- And her - Hi - Flicker Farkel.
How Frank will you find
out when the baby is due?
- I have an unfailing
method to find out
when the baby is due
I will approach the
subject and simply say
when is the baby due?
- It can't fail,
Frank, go ahead.
- When is the baby due?
- Well from the looks of things,
(knocks) I'd say any day now.
- Don't fail to follow
our forthcoming feature
when Ferd Berfel
says to Frank Farkel
- Frankly, Frank that's a
mighty fat Frank you found there.
- Keep this quiet.
But I'm ready to break out.
- Well have you tried
cutting down on sweets?
- Gee Hank, it's a swell show.
You been watching
that show of Hank's?
- The Mancini
generation, I guess so
I love the way he
plays tenor sax.
- Tenor sax?
- Dick I play piano.
- Oh yeah, I watch in every week
just to watch him
tinkle on the piano.
- You have no idea
how expensive it is
just to wear a new dress
every time you
appear on television.
If you don't believe
me ask Flip Wilson.
(uptempo sly music)
- I've got the yo yo.
- I've got the string.
- The mustard pot
was empty Friday.
- Graham crackers break easily.
- You must be X five.
- I'm X five.
- Well I'm your contact
I've been waiting
for you for a week.
You were supposed to have
been here at least a week ago.
- I got held up in Istanbul.
- Istanbul, were
you on that caper?
- I was there.
- You were alone, huh?
Well Fred was
supposed to go with you
but I understand
he bought the farm.
- Oh dear.
- Well you have
your instructions?
- Yeah, yeah, I need 'em.
- Okay write it down
they're a little complicated.
- Alright I have a
pornographic memory I don't
- Photographic.
- Photographic memory.
- You can remember everything?
- My mind's a steal trap.
- Is that a fact.
- Everything is inelidelibigal
- Indelibly - Indelibly, yes.
- Indelibly etching
in your mind.
- In my mind.
- That's an amazing faculty.
- That's amazing faculty.
- No no you don't
have to write that down.
- Oh I don't write that, okay.
- I mean you're
recording everything.
- I'm recording everything.
- Alright, you're gonna
start in east Saint Louis.
However you get
to east Saint Louis
is perfectly alright with me
but be sure that you you're
there by the 15th at midnight
on the stroke of midnight
you stand in front
of the jewelry store
on the corner of 12th and Elm.
- The 12th and Elm
- A little man with a
wagon full of newspapers
will walk by pulling a
dog behind the wagon.
- You say to him
achtung mein freund.
- Achtung mein freund.
- You speak German
fluently I can see,
- I speak it fluently obviously.
- He will give
you a plane ticket
- He will give me a plane ticket
which will take me
to Buenos Aires.
- As soon as you
get to Buenos Aires
you'll find a pickup truck
the third row
back of a taxi rank,
have you followed me so far?
- I lost you at the bakery.
- You didn't go to a bakery.
- Shh.
- I've got the yo yo.
- I've got the string.
- Well you must be X 15.
X 15, you know X 5?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- You'll be working
together on this caper.
- I'm X 15 - Ah, you're X 15
- I don't know if we have
the right men for this job
can you remember
everything I tell you?
- I certainly can.
- You have a steal trap
for a mind too I suppose.
- Absolutely.
- You men have never worked
together before have you?
- Never.
- Well then X 15
I better tell you about some
of X five peculiar habits.
- By golly we did.
- X five will be in a
bistro in East Berlin.
- X five will be in a
bistro in East Berlin.
- On the 22nd - On the 22nd
- He will have a long blond wig
- He will have a long blond wig
- A green dress and a red purse
he never could
coordinate colors very well.
Now then when you
meet him at the bar
- Now when you
meet him at the bar
- you go up and
slap him on the rump
you say hello Fraulein.
- You say hello Fraulein.
- Your German's as good as his.
- Ja yes thank you -
You follow me so far?
- I follow you so far.
- You've got me
up to this point.
- I have except that you
lost me at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery.
- We went to a bakery.
- Shh hold hold
hold it, hear that?
I have a little secret
receiver hidden in my ear
it's sending a message.
- Gad zooks that's clever.
- Yes it is and it's tiny too.
- Uh huh?
- And it's in code,
you know the code?
- I know every code.
- You know the code?
- Oh yes, oh yes.
- Alright write it down.
Is it loud enough for you?
- No turn it up.
(morse code beeping)
(laughing)
- Yeah, you got it?
- Yeah.
- What'd he say?
(morse code beeping)
(silly vaudeville music)
(thumping)
(thumping)
We're the girls
the mountain girls
the girls from Tennessee
We are nice we're proper nice
We're nice as we can be
We don't wear we hate to wear
We never wear no shoes
And we like we really like
We like to sing the news
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope amuses
Hot dang it don't confuse us
We do dearly love
to give you our views
He haw la de da
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh in looks at the news
We're done here now Dick
- [Announcer] And
now the laugh in news
with Dennis the
Menace still alive,
Charlie Brown
who'll always thrive,
Nancy and Slugo who survive,
and Orphan Annie over 75.
- First these news headlines.
- Rabbit suspected of being
campus radical FBI bugs bunny.
- Man sticks head
into microwave oven,
commits suicide in
one and a half minutes.
- NBC plans new short series,
the six wives of Mickey Rooney.
- Now here's Dick with
the news of the present.
- And this is Dick with
the news of the present
and it comes from
Cleveland, Ohio.
Bill Barrett was injured today
while trying to elope
with his girlfriend
who lived in a mobile home.
- [Dan] How was he injured?
- Well I'll tell you
he was injured
because he was
half way up the ladder
and the light turned green.
- [Dan] Oh dear.
- He went 14 blocks
before he got off.
- [Dan] They're coming
after you, get going.
- Oh I'll keep going.
- Salmanca is that salmanca?
- [Dan] Salamanca.
- Well that's good enough.
Salamanca, New York,
the fiance of champion
chess player Bobby Fisher,
make that Bobby Fisher
said today that
wedding plans are off.
She stated she does
not plan to marry him
because it takes him
too long to make a move.
I kinda like that one.
- [Dan] They're
still comin' Dick.
- Yes they're still comin' Dick.
News of the present,
dateline LA airport,
that's Los Angeles airport,
due to the recent
rash of plane hijackings
the airlines have
instituted a head to toe frisk
of all passengers.
Today's flight 37 was
held up for several hours
when Phyllis Diller
insisted on boarding
the same plane 18 times.
Don't like to hear
that about old Phyll.
And now here's Dan
with the news of the future.
- After seven attempts,
Sam Yorty was elected
president of the United States.
- [Dick] You heard the applause.
- Yes.
The one time mayor
of Los Angeles declared
he still didn't feel that people
were taking him seriously
pointing out that he was
asked to take the oath of office
with his right hand
on a comic book.
News of the future,
20 years from now medical
history was made today
when 80 year old Gerald Goodman
was given the
brain of a teenager.
The operation though termed a
success has caused problems.
His wife, 87 year
old Mrs Goodman
says that now Mr Goodman
refuses to clean up his room,
his face is breaking
out with acne
and his voice keeps changing.
- And now with a
special show biz item
our guest reporter
Hollywood Cecil Smith.
- Burt Reynolds was
just offered the lead role
in the latest sequel Whoopie
time on the Planet of the Apes.
Producers said they
made the offer for Burt
to play the leading ape because
they would save a fortune
by not having to use
any body make up at all.
- Now more news from show biz,
here's breakfast
with Lance and Tina.
- Good morning Lance.
- Ah, good morning Tina.
- Well Lance,
Lance we're really
fortunate today
to have as our breakfast
guest William Conrad.
He is one of televisions
most popular detectives.
- Good morning.
- Oh well it's a
pleasure to meet you
off the screen Mr Conrad.
- Well thank you.
- I must say you well thank you.
- I even say you
certainly don't look Polish.
- I think you must be
thinking of Banacek.
- Oh well you certainly
speak the language quite well.
- That's dear.
Mr Conrad plays
Cannon on television.
- Well you better be careful
you could get your
head blown off that way.
- No no no no no no no no no no.
Connon is a part.
- Well somebody better
put it back together
if he's gonna play
it on television.
- I don't think you
quite understand.
- Oh course I do.
Where the hell oh I.
You're a detective on television
who sits in a wheelchair
and plays the canon.
- No no no no no no no
now you've got me mixed
up with Raymond Burr.
- So you're mixed up
with Raymond Burr, huh?
Well there you have it
ladies and gentlemen,
you heard it here first on
breakfast with Lance and Tina.
- Good night.
- Here's our financial
editor Patti Deutsch.
- The hallmark company
has appointed Oral Roberts
as its new chairman
of the board.
They also announced that they
will immediately begin making
the world's only get well cards
that come with a guarantee.
I feel better already.
- I believe Les, that
you have an item to read.
- I think I have.
- Would you mind reading it?
- Good idea, man,
glad you thought of that
this could go on all day.
- Here we go, would you mind?
- Okay yeah right here's
a business item, man,
Elmore Sarsley just announced
he's selling a brand
new Cadillac for $1,000
with almost everything on it.
- Well what's missing?
- Oh the license plate
and a serial number.
But it was what it was.
- Now with our finger, well
- [Dan] With your finger?
Let's make it her finger
Now with her finger on the
pulse of the medical world,
Dr Martha Welby.
- [Dan] Well done sir.
- Thank you.
- Dr Martha Welby here
with the medical news.
McKinley Morganfield today
announced that he had invented
the world's
smallest hearing aid.
While demonstrating it,
he accidentally swallowed it.
Now he can hear perfectly,
but only if you holler
into his belly button.
- And now a quick
look at today's weather.
- Oh there, nice day isn't it?
- Alexis Smith, star of Follies
has just attended a special
premier of Lost Horizon.
Here are Miss Smith's comments.
- Last night I attended the
opening of Lost Horizon.
Bette Davis was there
with Robert Wagner
who she openly
admits is her best buddy
ever since working
together on It Takes A Thief.
Kate Hepburn was
sitting in front of me
and was so nervous
that when the plane
smashed into the mountain
she nearly fell out of her seat.
Vincent Price said he thought
the film was just beautiful.
And speaking of beauty,
Raquel Welch was stunning
in a blue velvet low cut gown.
- Now here are
those same comments
as they might have been
handled by an unsympathetic editor.
- You attended a premier
last night of Lost Horizon.
I guess there were
a lot of stars there.
- Bette Davis was there
with Robert Wagner
who she openly
admits is a thief.
- Who else was there?
- Kate Hepburn was so smashed
she nearly fell out of her seat.
- I guess everybody showed up
in their best bib
and tucker, huh?
- Vincent Price
was just beautiful
in a blue velvet low cut gown.
- In sports on
this day in history
the Notre Dame locker room
was tense as coach Newt Rockney
had emphatically
told the fighting Irish
to win this one for the gipper.
Then slowly Rockney
turned to his assistant coach
and said pookie pookie pookie.
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh In looked at the news.
(whooping and hollering)
- You know so far I've written
more than five symphonies
and not one of them
has written back.
- You know I came from a
part of town that was so tough
even the moon wouldn't
come out at night.
- Alright order in the court.
Now presiding right honorable
judge William Richmond,
former jazz drummer.
- Order in the court.
(drumming)
- Oh no, I'm not
jumping into bread
with the very first jar of
jelly that comes along.
- Hey, hey hey you
the Indian trader?
- I sure am.
- Well here, here's 16 pelts.
- Okay here's your Indian.
Not bad for a buck.
- Yeah.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this week Burbank celebrates
the Flarb of Lights festival,
the joyous celebration in
which one day will be set aside
in remembrance of
those who gave their lives
in protest for Annette
Funicello movies.
(crashing)
- Captain Amazing,
my dear old father
is sick in the hospital
and I've got to get to
him as soon as possible.
Can you do it.
- Of course.
Taxi.
Taxi.
Can you whistle?
(whistle)
- Well ladies and gentlemen
it's time once again
for my favorite
part of the show.
It's really getting to be
a favorite with
many of you, I know,
where I answer questions
from the studio audience.
So if you have a question
just put your hand up
and one of the ushers
will bring you a microphone
and you'll just
right into the microphone
ask your question.
(clanging) Maybe if you
What is this, first
call to dinner?
What is that?
- Well I have decided
to make a place
for myself in this community.
- You know there's
already a place for yourself
in the community, but I
think the cages are all filled.
- Oh a pox on you.
- A pox on you sir.
- Before you say anymore,
you better look at this.
- Burbank volunteer
fire department.
- I am the Burbank
fire department.
- You all by yourself.
- Yes.
- You mean when there's a
fire in Burbank they call you?
- No I call me.
- Oh, they're in
a lot of trouble.
- And I call the dog pound.
- Well what good does that do?
- A lot, they send over
six wet Saint Bernards
who shake themselves
all over the fire.
- Oh you can't be
- It's a sacred event,
people gather for blocks.
- Ring your bell.
(clanging)
- Dick that's enough,
dalmatians are the fire dogs,
not Saint Bernards.
- Well of course they are,
that's because
they're easier to train.
- How do they train fire dogs?
- Well every time they
do something wrong
they give them their
own fire hydrant.
- Well I thought dogs
liked fire hydrants.
- Not up their nose they don't.
(clanging)
- Alright now come on
big Burbank fireman.
What's the first thing you do
when you get a call
that there's a fire?
- Well foist,
first I determine whether
it's three or four alarm fire.
- Yeah, what's the difference?
- One alarm (laughs).
- C'mon now you don't know
anything about fightin' fires
or anything about
suppose there's somebody
up there on that roof
and they can't get down,
now what are you gonna do?
- That's a thrilling
story tell it to me again.
- There's someone up there
and they're saying help
help I can't get down,
what do you do?
- Right away I get out the net.
- Oh that's the big canvas net
and then they jump into the net.
- No no no, I have
developed a new net
that's 10 stronger and
it lasts 10 times longer
than a canvas net.
- Is that a fact.
- Yes.
- What is it made out of?
- Two by fours.
- Two by well don't
people hurt themselves
when they land on it?
- I don't know I've used
it three or four times
but luckily nobody
has landed on it yet.
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
- Oh Dan and Dick it's no
use I can't go on anymore
my wife left me, I lost my job,
the doctor only gave
me three days to live.
- You only got
three days to live?
- Well then you don't
need a job or a wife.
- Never thought of
it that way (whoops).
- Is it all right to
marry an elephant?
- Well of course not,
don't be ridiculous Jud,
you can't marry an elephant.
- No a guy could never
- You sure?
- Of course a guy could
never marry an elephant.
- Anybody want a good
deal on an engagement ring?
- If you want to know what
a comedian's life is like,
as Dick and Dan, they
know lots of comedians.
- What luck, my first
picture and I'm directing
the greater dancer movies
has ever know, Harlow Swann.
You wanna know something, baby
it cost us a hundred
thou' to get him,
but he's worth it,
know what I mean?
- Ha aren't you making
kind of a one big mistake?
He hasn't made a movie in years.
- Oh baby baby
nothing to worry about,
I mean he'll bring the
people in, you know.
You want to know something,
I can still see his slender,
lithe body flying
through the air.
- Hello there you must be
Dave Burman, I'm Harlow Swann.
- You're Harlow Swann?
- Yes.
- Well what happened,
I mean you've put on a
little weight haven't you?
- Well actually you see
ever since my wife left me
I've become a compulsive eater
but I can still
dance like a fool,
I assure you I can.
- Alright alright listen let's
alright let's start rehearsing
we can start off with
the restaurant number,
now listen the
orchestra isn't here,
so just hum a nice little
tango, you know what I mean?
- (hums) Alright.
- You go sit at the table
and get up when
Carmelita here comes in.
- This is big trouble.
- [Dave] Alright now get
up when Carmelita comes in.
(crunching) Okay
let's go come on.
- Well get up and dance
into her arms and kiss her.
(crunching)
Now spin around over to the bar.
Now hey hey dance
around the table,
around the table.
Let's do the big finish alright?
(humming)
Now come down
here, sit down, alright
sit in your chairs
and toast each other.
(humming) (crunching)
Sit at the table.
And toast each other.
Cut, cut that's that's awful,
we'll have to try it later.
Let's break for lunch.
- Thank heavens, I'm starved.
- Will the only person to
see the hit and run accident
at central and 7th
please contact me tonight
at 11 o'clock in the middle
of the Pasadena freeway.
- Thought about
it for years Nick,
it's the only way
out of this cell
and I'm telling you it'll work.
- Are you crazy?
Even if it works,
and you go first,
who's gonna flush
me down the drain?
- You know this show
reminds me of ol' man river.
- Why?
- Well
it must know something,
it don't say nothing
it just keeps rolling along.
- That's cute, did
you just think of that?
- That's your (laughs)
- [Woman] I'm being
assaulted by a sex fiend
call Captain Amazing.
- This is a job for
Captain Amazing.
(thundering)
- Aha so you're the sex
fiend we been looking for.
Come along.
- This is amazing.
(silly vaudeville music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a big hand for
our special guest tonight,
William Conrad.
- You know, before
you guys go on,
I really want to compliment
the wardrobe department.
Everything they made
for me fits like a glove.
- Ha, you oughta see the gloves,
they make 'em fit like suits.
- You know speaking of suits,
this suit they made for me
is absolutely sensational.
- Well Bill that's
very nice of you
and I'm glad you like it
but I'd better let you
in on a little secret.
- Oh what's that?
- Well it wasn't
really made for you.
- Oh?
- No it was made originally made
for a Frank Sinatra special
with Nelson Riddle
and his orchestra.
- This suit was worn
by Frank Sinatra?
- Well no it was worn
by Nelson Riddle.
- And his orchestra.
- Bill you've been great,
you're gonna like
next week's show too.
We'll give you a little preview.
- Here's some of it right there.
- [Announcer] Our
guest is Don Rickles.
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
With these great cameos.
Charlie Callas
Kent McCord and Martin Milner
- Did you hear about the flat
chested woman who went insane?
- No what about her?
- They put her in a padded bra.
(laughter)
- It's time to say
good night, Dick.
- (laughs) Would you like
to hear what the girl said
after her 200th
silicone injection?
- No I wouldn't.
- She said I am
in the back seat.
- Just say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(audience applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Ah, good night, Dick,
and good morning.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick,
you were amazing.
- What's the password?
- Good night, Dick.
- Wrong.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night my
foot that's my chop.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night,
Dick. (crackling)
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [All] Good night, Dick.
(silly kazoo music)
(laughing)
Are you preparing to stamp
out evil and corruption?
- Yes.
And I'm going to start with NBC
where they're about to begin
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
and that's a job for
Captain Amazing.
- [Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen
it's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, thank
you very much.
Well, thank you.
Well I guess you're
looking forward
to tonight's guests, huh?
William Conrad
the star of Cannon.
(shout)
- It is I Captain Amazing.
- Well it's Bill Conrad,
Bill good to see you.
- Ah yes, Bill Conrad.
Meek, mild mannered
star of his own TV series,
but in reality (cymbal)
Captain Amazing.
- That's amazing.
- No no I'm amazing.
You're Dan, he's Dick.
- Yep that's right,
he's Dick and I'm Dan.
- That's amazing.
- No you're amazing.
- Well thank you very
much, and now I must be off.
- Certainly can't
argue with you on that.
- Someone's in distress.
- Who?
- I am, this
girdle's killing me.
(thundering crash)
- It's a bus, it's a moose,
it's Captain Amazing.
- Able to eat big
lunches in a single bite.
- Ready to stomp
out weight watching
whenever it rears
its hungry head.
- Defending America's
right to life, liberty
and a giant pizza
with everything.
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
sheet metal works
and gypsy tea room
NBC the not bad
considering network
brings you Rowan and
Martin's Laugh In starring
the very stately Dan Rowan
and the slightly
stagnant Dick Martin.
With tonight's special
guest William Conrad
with Ruth Buzzi
Lily Tomlin
Denis Allen
Brian Bressler
Patti Deutsch
Sarah Kennedy
Jud Strunk
Willie Tyler and Lester
Ian Bernard and
his band of bards
with cameo appearances
by Bob Crane
Nanette Fabray
Henry Mancini
Alexis Smith
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this thought
son of a gun I
thought I had a thought
I know I did
- I'm telling my jokes
tonight in sign language
so that people with
a hearing handicap
can just laugh right along
with the rest of us, huh?
Or not laugh right
along with the rest of us.
Listen this is a
Laugh In Want Ad
A refined woman
eh 40 ish
would like to meet
refined bartender
50 ish
object getting drunky ish.
- [Announcer] And now once
again Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Thank you very much
good evening and welcome.
Welcome to another
edition of Laugh In.
Tonight we're really
gonna take you ba
Dick - Huh?
- What are you doing?
- I'm afraid.
- What are you afraid of?
- I'm afraid someone's
gonna come and get me.
- Yeah I'm afraid someone's
not gonna come and get you.
I've been looking for the
guys in little white coats.
Now come on what are you
afraid about, get out here.
- It really scares me.
- What scares you.
That someone's after you?
- Yes.
- Well that's a phobia. (scream)
What's the matter?
- I'm afraid of them too.
- You're afraid of phobias?
- Phobias phobias.
- That's what it means
it means it's an
unreasonable fear - Fear.
- Like acrophobia - Acra
- You know what that is?
- No.
- You're afraid of acras.
- I'm acras
- No acrophobia,
fear of heights.
- Heights are good, yeah.
- Claustrophobia.
- Claustras.
- You're afraid of - Closets
- Well yeah, a closed in space.
- I have all those, I also
have squashaphobia.
- Squashaphobia.
- Yeah that's a fear that
Jackie Gleeson will fall on you.
- Oh that's silly.
- I also have raquelaphobia.
- Raquel, you're afraid Raquel
Walch Welch will fall on you?
- No Walch or Welch
I don't care which.
- Either one Raquel
you're afraid she could
- She could fall on
me anytime (laughs)
- What are you afraid about?
- Well I'm just
afraid that's all,
I'm entitled to be afraid.
- I don't want to hear any more.
- (screams) Take it away.
- Take what away?
- I have pipephobia.
- You're afraid of pipes?
- So am I.
- No foolin'.
- Sure.
- You mean the
- Even the word
scares me don't say it.
- Don't say what?
- Pipe (screams).
- Settle down, just settle down,
wait a minute, alright
easy easy okay.
- Stroke me.
- Okay.
- I've been partners
with you for 21 years,
you've never asked me
to stroke you (laughs).
- Well I've never
been so (laughs)
I've never been so scared.
- Alright now just
simmer down now now
you have nothing
to be afraid of.
The only thing to do
about fear is to examine it,
because fear is
based on ignorance
and boy have you
got a lot to be afraid of.
Alright now look.
- Right.
Now this is the stamp.
- That's the stamp -
Nothing to be afraid of
- I'm not afraid of stamps, no.
- This is the bowl.
- Bowl, most bowls
I'm not afraid of.
- Okay now that's
a briar you see
a nice straight grain briar,
okay put the stem into the bowl
okay nothing to
be afraid of there.
This is the tobacco,
alright you tamp down
the tobacco like that.
- Smells kinda nice.
- Doesn't that smell nice?
And you get yourself
a match and you light it,
what have you got?
- Pipe (screams).
- I have partneraphobia,
you see I have this
unreasonable fear
I'm gonna run into
him at the cocktail party.
(audience applauding)
- You know the heat
wave was so bad last month
I saw a cop chasing a mugger
and they were both in line
at an Orange Julius stand.
(upbeat brassy music)
- Our town is so small, we
all had the same flu shot.
- Patti my darling.
- Yes Sarah my perfect.
- People were breaking
into my apartment
so often and robbing it that
I finally had to go out
and get myself a
vicious watchdog.
- Oh well have you
had anything stolen
from your apartment since then?
- Well I don't know, you
see, I can't get back in.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Dick I want you to know
I never fool around
on the first date.
- Oh,
well how 'bout I pick you
up tomorrow night at seven
and nine?
- Get down, oh
hey lady what's up?
Do you know that
37% of all the people
in America have shop lifted?
- Well how did
you find that out?
- I read it in a book I stole.
- Waiter would you fill
that up for me please?
- Oh sure.
(dinging bell)
- Well there you are now doctor,
would you like me
to get your windows?
- Ah thank you
never mind the oil.
Hey you know one thing?
- What?
- I had a psychiatric
patient one time
who was suffering from
the German measles.
- Oh suffering from
the German measles.
- Ja and before we
could cure him, hah
he managed to
escape to Argentina.
- You know, in New
York City Mayor Lindsay
has really cracked down
on the noise pollution.
Now if you're mugged
you're only allowed
to whisper for help.
- Well Jud - Yes, Lil
- It was really pitch dark
in Los Angeles today.
- Was there an eclipse?
- No the air was so bad
the sun phoned in sick.
- Hi Mary.
- Hi Kenneth.
What a drag, I got a
headache my feet are killing me
I can't wait to get
out of here and relax.
- Oh well where
are you gonna go?
- I'm gonna go
to a cocktail party.
- You know if you take more
of the government's money
than you're entitled to
you're called a welfare cheat.
And if you give the
government less money
than they're entitled to
they're calling
you a millionaire.
- Do you realize it costs $92
a day to be in the hospital?
- Well Ruthy no wonder
my doctor's never there.
- Mr Conrad,
when you're plump, portly,
ample?
- What you're
trying to say is fat.
- Fat that's the word
well when you're
fat is it hard to find
a comfortable
position to sleep in?
- Well kind of I like
to sleep face down
but I have to fluff
up my stomach first.
Oh waiter, how 'bout
a glass of champagne?
- Oh hey that's a
great idea, I'd love one.
- Your attention please,
will the person who
put up the brick wall
behind the with platformate sign
kindly assist in hospital
and medical expenses
brought about
by his little joke.
- Yes commissioner my keen
vision detects an enemy plane
heading for our
shores, do not fear,
I Captain Amazing
will grapple with
it single handed.
(boing)
Course it may take
me a while to get there.
- Hey
what do you hear
from your old lady?
- Good news, she's
gonna have a baby.
- How can that be,
you've been in here
over a year and a half.
- I know, she always
knew I wanted a kid
and it's just like her
there's not a selfish
bone in her body.
- Well the problem
is counselor is
well we don't have any privacy,
my husbands family
they're always around,
they interfere in everything.
- [All] That's not true.
- Now General Lee
now that the war is over
all slaves are to be free.
- Thank goodness we
used to have to buy them.
- Announcement
the pollution in
Lake Erie is so bad
it not only killed all the fish
but a lot of the row
boats have died too.
- Hello.
- Oh hi.
What's this?
Oh this, this is an
old English bugle
that was used for the
charge of the light brigade.
- The charge of the light
brigade, does it work?
- Oh watch.
(bugling)
- Charge.
- People ask me why I
compose my music on the piano.
It's because when I
compose it on my dog
it sounds awful (barking).
- You know actresses
are funny people.
Some wouldn't think
of living with a man
before they married them.
And others wouldn't
think of living with them
after they married them.
- I could rock this
chair right off the porch
if I wanted to.
And a terrible thing happened.
A horrible thing.
Momma told me that children
are not supposed to play
in the streets 'cause
they might get hit by a car,
but yesterday I
played in the street
and a car didn't hit me.
But I seen a bus hit a car,
I think the car was
trying to stop hitting me,
but the bus hit the car.
And I'll tell you
I don't think they should
let buses play in the street.
And that's the truth.
- Hey can you help me?
- Huh?
- I think it was very
nice of Father Keller
to allow us to form a
softball team, don't you?
- Yes but do you think it's fair
to give sister Evelyn 10 Hail
Marys for stealing second?
- Gee I'm sure gonna
miss poor old Eddie.
- Yeah he was a nice guy
despite all those
dumb practical jokes
he was always playing.
- Excuse me sir
I've got a very important
appointment in a half hour,
my suit needs pressing,
could you help me out?
- Right away sir.
(steam crackling)
- You know people ask me
why I spend so much time
out in the middle of
the ocean on my boat
because when I go out
there without my boat
I almost drown.
- Hey Joe - Huh?
- I'm planning a robbery,
want to get in on it.
- Oh yeah yeah could I?
- Okay stick 'em up.
- Well we've all seen
game show hosts
in action on television
haven't you often wondered
what they're like at home?
(doorbell dings)
(drumming)
- And now the head of
our house Monty Hale.
(cymbal crash)
- Good evening good evening
and welcome and first
let me meet my family.
- I'm your daughter Betty
and I like water skiing and
I'm from Hollywood, California.
- Good girl, Betty.
- I'm your son Kip and I like
game shows and Rod Serling.
- Atta boy Kip.
- And I'm your
lovely wife Carol.
- Hello.
- And I've got a secret.
- You have, what is it?
- Well as usual, you have to
take off your coat and relax.
- But of course we
wouldn't be much of a family
if we didn't try to make
it a little difficult for you,
so we've gone and
moved the closet.
- Oh wow, I'm livid with
you making fun like this.
- Now, is the closet
behind door number one,
door number two or
door number three?
- [Kip] Take three, take three.
No take the coat
I'd take the coat.
(drumming)
- Oh, oh.
Alright alright door
number two no no
door number door number three
door number one.
(cymbal)
- Oh and it's the back yard.
I'm sorry you did not
choose the right door
so you lose your coat.
Now would you like to
come back next week
and try for your pants?
(silly kazoo music)
(clanging)
- Let me in let me in.
- Oh good, you're just in time
for Laugh In's
salute to the press.
- Huh, let me out.
Give a yell, cheer, lend an ear
Get ready for the big salute
Let's give a hoot,
hey, hip hooray
We're layin' on the big salute
Put aside your worries
all the strain and stress
Rowan and Martin's Laugh
In's gonna look at the press
Give a rah rah sis boom ba
Get ready for the big salute
Get ready get ready
get ready get ready
Get ready for the big salute
(audience applause)
- You know it's sad
after all those years
as a top TV news man
Chet Huntley ends up
playing piano in a 747 lounge.
- No Dick that's wrong.
- It certainly is,
you'd think at least they'd
let him work the main room.
- You know newspapers
are really informative
why in this morning's Times,
eight government
secrets were revealed.
And that was just
in the comic section.
- You know something,
I think Ed is giving people a
slanted opinion of the news.
- Using the one
way on the freeway
doesn't get you into
trouble like a driver can.
- TV news reports are not
as useful as newspapers
I mean how can you put
(laughs) a television set
on the bottom of your bird cage?
- I understand that
the Los Angeles Times
is the most unbiased
newspaper in the world today.
- Where'd you hear that?
- I read it in the
Los Angeles Times.
- I heard that
according to the FCC
you know all the
sex and violence
has to come out
of TV programming.
- Oh man that's a
drag, that's a real drag
well there goes you
know Dean Martin Show,
Mannix, and the best
part of the six o'clock news.
- Ruth do you think
any commentators
have actually
staged news stories?
- No, why?
- Well it says right
here that one news show
got nominated for an Emmy
as a best dramatic series.
- Mom - Yes
- I think Bill's gonna
pop the question tonight.
- Oh and what are you gonna say?
- No.
- Well why on earth.
- Well he's been a TV
reporter for so long that
he's just too
wrapped up in his job.
- Now what makes you say that?
(doorbell)
- Oh there he is now.
- Hello sweetheart, how are you?
Here's the news.
- You know when somebody
yells stop the press in Saigon
it means president Thieu
just closed down
another newspaper.
- We've been here in the
rain and the fog all morning
just to bring you the
story of Elmo Wacker,
rescued after being
lost at sea for 37 days
without food or water.
Here he comes now, c'mon
hurry it up Mr Wacker, listen
you must have
been terribly hungry
not having anything
to eat for 37 days,
I'll bet you got
really thirsty too
all that water and
nothing to drink.
Tell us about the awful
thirst you had Mr Wacker.
Oh and what about the day
that your wife was
washed overboard that
- Yes I'm thirsty, I'm
very sad about my wife
but I'm fed up with
insensitive reporters.
- Wait a minute
a news person has just
been knocked to the ground.
How does it feel being hit
with your own microphone?
- How can you be so insensitive?
Can't you see I've just been
hit with my own microphone?
- The press is revealing so
many governmental secrets
I know one paper that
has a declassified section.
- You know what I
don't understand?
- [All] What?
- I'll explain it to you.
If the pentagon doesn't want
to get into the newspapers
why do they mark it top secret?
- [All] Right.
- You know
- [Dan] Go ahead Dennis.
- Thanks.
I don't mind (mumbles)
becoming news casters
- [Lily] What you
don't mind what?
- I don't mind athletes
becoming news casters,
you know what I mean.
- [Man] Why?
- Yeah, but do
they have to refer to
the house of representative
as the bullpen?
- Small town television stations
are frequently on
such a low budget
that one man has
to do the job of many
and here's one such
station doing the news.
- And now it's time
for the six o'clock news
and here's our
newscaster William Quigley.
Thank you very much and good
evening ladies and gentlemen,
here's the latest
news from Washington.
The president announced today
that he will address
congress soon
on his new economic program
and now here with a commentary
on that story is Eric Severel.
Well
we all know
what that means don't we.
Thank you Eric.
And now here are major
developments from abroad.
Premier Kosygin has announced
he intends to visit
America shortly
and see its most
outstanding landmarks,
meanwhile in Rome,
officials have crowned
the new Miss Italy,
Angelina Scalise of Palermo.
Isn't she love
ly
And now here is Kelly Long
with the weather.
There will be two inches
of sun tomorrow afternoon
followed by early evening
and a high of 37 pounds.
Now here with sports
is that famous ex
athlete Homer T Brown.
Oh, thanks Bill.
Now here are the
football scores.
It was Green Bay 24,
the Redskins 17
and Arnold Palmer 68.
That's the news good
night from all of us.
(audience applause)
I quit I have had
it, this is ridiculous,
I'm not gonna do 10
peoples jobs anymore.
I'm sorry Quigley,
but we can't afford
to give you a raise.
Okay then I quit.
Wait a minute,
and I'll go with you.
- Henry, you know
you wrote a lot of songs
with Johnny Mercer.
Tell me, who writes the words
and who writes the music?
- I are the one
who write the music.
- And a good thing.
- You know conditions
in this place are terrible.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna write a
letter to my congressman.
- Well I'll save
you eight cents.
I'm your congressman.
- Captain Amazing,
there's a runaway train
can you do something?
- Well of course I can.
Pardon me boys, is that
the Chatanooga Choo Choo
Track twenty nine, boy
you can give me a shine
(silly whistling music)
- Stay tuned for the second half
of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
and see if you can find
the hidden pony, whoopie.
- And now for a quick peek
at what people are
saying about safety in cars.
You know Dick some awful
things can happen in an automobile.
- I know, do I ever know,
happened here last night.
- What?
- Well there we were
parked in the moonlight
and Sheila Lauter
said - Dick not now.
- That's exactly what Sheila
said, how did you know?
- I am talking
about safety in cars.
- So was Sheila.
- And so tonight
we're going to see what the
man or woman on the street
has to say about
automobile safety.
(horn honks)
- My name is Henderson
and I have a foolproof
safety device in my car.
Whenever I go
over the speed limit
it starts to make noise and
won't stop until I slow down.
- Well tell me Mr
Henderson, what is it called?
- Mrs Henderson.
- After ramming 650
cars into a brick wall
in the interest of safer bumpers
a major auto company
announced today
the retirement of 150
punchy test drivers.
(horn honks)
- Hey y'all look here,
I have a Saint
Christopher statue
that stands on the
front of my dashboard
and when I get too close
to another automobile
it goes look out you dummy.
(laughter)
- Well listen, you know what?
- I just saw Flip
Wilson's new car.
- [Man] No.
- Yes, it did.
And it's got stereo
and air conditioning
and black power steering.
- In Israel they equip
their cars with airbags
filled with chicken
soup, they do
that way if you
get in an accident
you not only won't get hurt,
you won't even get a sickness.
- It's more dangerous for
some people to drive than others.
- [Bill] How is that?
- Well because of
the way they're built.
- [Woman] Yeah?
- Well for instance
every time Raquel Welch
makes a hard right turn
she snaps open the
glove compartment.
- Well this is a
wonderful bit of news.
Recently an automotive
safety engineer
found a definite
improvement in applying
foam rubber padding
to the front bumper.
Heck I have known a lot of girls
who have been
doing that for years.
- All kidding aside,
automobile safety is
nothing to kid about.
- Yes and remember
in driving the best
kind of safety glass
is the kind you don't drink.
- That's very good.
- Thank you.
- You know a lot of
people don't know
that I started out
as an impressionist,
now here is my impression
of a German Shepherd.
You vill stay in the pasture,
und you will eat your grass
und enjoy it.
- Hey I see where they
put the rubber bands
on the circuits in jail.
- They did?
- Yeah, 112 times.
(cranking)
(boing)
Is that hard to do man?
- I'm a sick man,
what can I get in this place
that won't upset my stomach?
- How 'bout
change for a quarter.
- Mild mannered reporter who
masquerades as Captain Amazing.
How would you like a
punch in the mouth, huh?
- Just a moment, wait.
Wait until I slip into
this phone booth
and change into the costume
that renders me invulnerable.
(thundering)
You wouldn't hit a
woman would you?
- Oh, gee no.
- Good.
- Want ad.
Reward
to the thief who broke into
the Burbank Art Museum
will you please please
return the baseball cards
no questions asked.
- You may remember at
the beginning of the year
we were waiting for Fannie
Farkel to have a baby any day now
and we're still waiting
as Fannie Farkel says
- Say Frank, you've
been saying Fannie's
gonna have a baby
any day now for 30 days,
shouldn't you find out
if this is fact of fancy.
- Nothing fanciful here Ferd
I finally phoned a fearless
foot pad to fathom this foolery
hark who can that be?
(doorbell)
Excuse me, Ferd.
- Alright Frank.
- I'm the fearless
foot pad you phoned
to fathom this
foolery remember me?
- No can't say I do.
- Frank Canon here.
- Put it there Mr Here
I'm Frank Farkel, Frank
Frank and Frank, Fannie,
Ferd Frank, Frank
Ferd, Frank Darkel
- Hey baby.
- And her - Hi - Flicker Farkel.
How Frank will you find
out when the baby is due?
- I have an unfailing
method to find out
when the baby is due
I will approach the
subject and simply say
when is the baby due?
- It can't fail,
Frank, go ahead.
- When is the baby due?
- Well from the looks of things,
(knocks) I'd say any day now.
- Don't fail to follow
our forthcoming feature
when Ferd Berfel
says to Frank Farkel
- Frankly, Frank that's a
mighty fat Frank you found there.
- Keep this quiet.
But I'm ready to break out.
- Well have you tried
cutting down on sweets?
- Gee Hank, it's a swell show.
You been watching
that show of Hank's?
- The Mancini
generation, I guess so
I love the way he
plays tenor sax.
- Tenor sax?
- Dick I play piano.
- Oh yeah, I watch in every week
just to watch him
tinkle on the piano.
- You have no idea
how expensive it is
just to wear a new dress
every time you
appear on television.
If you don't believe
me ask Flip Wilson.
(uptempo sly music)
- I've got the yo yo.
- I've got the string.
- The mustard pot
was empty Friday.
- Graham crackers break easily.
- You must be X five.
- I'm X five.
- Well I'm your contact
I've been waiting
for you for a week.
You were supposed to have
been here at least a week ago.
- I got held up in Istanbul.
- Istanbul, were
you on that caper?
- I was there.
- You were alone, huh?
Well Fred was
supposed to go with you
but I understand
he bought the farm.
- Oh dear.
- Well you have
your instructions?
- Yeah, yeah, I need 'em.
- Okay write it down
they're a little complicated.
- Alright I have a
pornographic memory I don't
- Photographic.
- Photographic memory.
- You can remember everything?
- My mind's a steal trap.
- Is that a fact.
- Everything is inelidelibigal
- Indelibly - Indelibly, yes.
- Indelibly etching
in your mind.
- In my mind.
- That's an amazing faculty.
- That's amazing faculty.
- No no you don't
have to write that down.
- Oh I don't write that, okay.
- I mean you're
recording everything.
- I'm recording everything.
- Alright, you're gonna
start in east Saint Louis.
However you get
to east Saint Louis
is perfectly alright with me
but be sure that you you're
there by the 15th at midnight
on the stroke of midnight
you stand in front
of the jewelry store
on the corner of 12th and Elm.
- The 12th and Elm
- A little man with a
wagon full of newspapers
will walk by pulling a
dog behind the wagon.
- You say to him
achtung mein freund.
- Achtung mein freund.
- You speak German
fluently I can see,
- I speak it fluently obviously.
- He will give
you a plane ticket
- He will give me a plane ticket
which will take me
to Buenos Aires.
- As soon as you
get to Buenos Aires
you'll find a pickup truck
the third row
back of a taxi rank,
have you followed me so far?
- I lost you at the bakery.
- You didn't go to a bakery.
- Shh.
- I've got the yo yo.
- I've got the string.
- Well you must be X 15.
X 15, you know X 5?
- Hello.
- Hi.
- You'll be working
together on this caper.
- I'm X 15 - Ah, you're X 15
- I don't know if we have
the right men for this job
can you remember
everything I tell you?
- I certainly can.
- You have a steal trap
for a mind too I suppose.
- Absolutely.
- You men have never worked
together before have you?
- Never.
- Well then X 15
I better tell you about some
of X five peculiar habits.
- By golly we did.
- X five will be in a
bistro in East Berlin.
- X five will be in a
bistro in East Berlin.
- On the 22nd - On the 22nd
- He will have a long blond wig
- He will have a long blond wig
- A green dress and a red purse
he never could
coordinate colors very well.
Now then when you
meet him at the bar
- Now when you
meet him at the bar
- you go up and
slap him on the rump
you say hello Fraulein.
- You say hello Fraulein.
- Your German's as good as his.
- Ja yes thank you -
You follow me so far?
- I follow you so far.
- You've got me
up to this point.
- I have except that you
lost me at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery.
- We went to a bakery.
- Shh hold hold
hold it, hear that?
I have a little secret
receiver hidden in my ear
it's sending a message.
- Gad zooks that's clever.
- Yes it is and it's tiny too.
- Uh huh?
- And it's in code,
you know the code?
- I know every code.
- You know the code?
- Oh yes, oh yes.
- Alright write it down.
Is it loud enough for you?
- No turn it up.
(morse code beeping)
(laughing)
- Yeah, you got it?
- Yeah.
- What'd he say?
(morse code beeping)
(silly vaudeville music)
(thumping)
(thumping)
We're the girls
the mountain girls
the girls from Tennessee
We are nice we're proper nice
We're nice as we can be
We don't wear we hate to wear
We never wear no shoes
And we like we really like
We like to sing the news
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope amuses
Hot dang it don't confuse us
We do dearly love
to give you our views
He haw la de da
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh in looks at the news
We're done here now Dick
- [Announcer] And
now the laugh in news
with Dennis the
Menace still alive,
Charlie Brown
who'll always thrive,
Nancy and Slugo who survive,
and Orphan Annie over 75.
- First these news headlines.
- Rabbit suspected of being
campus radical FBI bugs bunny.
- Man sticks head
into microwave oven,
commits suicide in
one and a half minutes.
- NBC plans new short series,
the six wives of Mickey Rooney.
- Now here's Dick with
the news of the present.
- And this is Dick with
the news of the present
and it comes from
Cleveland, Ohio.
Bill Barrett was injured today
while trying to elope
with his girlfriend
who lived in a mobile home.
- [Dan] How was he injured?
- Well I'll tell you
he was injured
because he was
half way up the ladder
and the light turned green.
- [Dan] Oh dear.
- He went 14 blocks
before he got off.
- [Dan] They're coming
after you, get going.
- Oh I'll keep going.
- Salmanca is that salmanca?
- [Dan] Salamanca.
- Well that's good enough.
Salamanca, New York,
the fiance of champion
chess player Bobby Fisher,
make that Bobby Fisher
said today that
wedding plans are off.
She stated she does
not plan to marry him
because it takes him
too long to make a move.
I kinda like that one.
- [Dan] They're
still comin' Dick.
- Yes they're still comin' Dick.
News of the present,
dateline LA airport,
that's Los Angeles airport,
due to the recent
rash of plane hijackings
the airlines have
instituted a head to toe frisk
of all passengers.
Today's flight 37 was
held up for several hours
when Phyllis Diller
insisted on boarding
the same plane 18 times.
Don't like to hear
that about old Phyll.
And now here's Dan
with the news of the future.
- After seven attempts,
Sam Yorty was elected
president of the United States.
- [Dick] You heard the applause.
- Yes.
The one time mayor
of Los Angeles declared
he still didn't feel that people
were taking him seriously
pointing out that he was
asked to take the oath of office
with his right hand
on a comic book.
News of the future,
20 years from now medical
history was made today
when 80 year old Gerald Goodman
was given the
brain of a teenager.
The operation though termed a
success has caused problems.
His wife, 87 year
old Mrs Goodman
says that now Mr Goodman
refuses to clean up his room,
his face is breaking
out with acne
and his voice keeps changing.
- And now with a
special show biz item
our guest reporter
Hollywood Cecil Smith.
- Burt Reynolds was
just offered the lead role
in the latest sequel Whoopie
time on the Planet of the Apes.
Producers said they
made the offer for Burt
to play the leading ape because
they would save a fortune
by not having to use
any body make up at all.
- Now more news from show biz,
here's breakfast
with Lance and Tina.
- Good morning Lance.
- Ah, good morning Tina.
- Well Lance,
Lance we're really
fortunate today
to have as our breakfast
guest William Conrad.
He is one of televisions
most popular detectives.
- Good morning.
- Oh well it's a
pleasure to meet you
off the screen Mr Conrad.
- Well thank you.
- I must say you well thank you.
- I even say you
certainly don't look Polish.
- I think you must be
thinking of Banacek.
- Oh well you certainly
speak the language quite well.
- That's dear.
Mr Conrad plays
Cannon on television.
- Well you better be careful
you could get your
head blown off that way.
- No no no no no no no no no no.
Connon is a part.
- Well somebody better
put it back together
if he's gonna play
it on television.
- I don't think you
quite understand.
- Oh course I do.
Where the hell oh I.
You're a detective on television
who sits in a wheelchair
and plays the canon.
- No no no no no no no
now you've got me mixed
up with Raymond Burr.
- So you're mixed up
with Raymond Burr, huh?
Well there you have it
ladies and gentlemen,
you heard it here first on
breakfast with Lance and Tina.
- Good night.
- Here's our financial
editor Patti Deutsch.
- The hallmark company
has appointed Oral Roberts
as its new chairman
of the board.
They also announced that they
will immediately begin making
the world's only get well cards
that come with a guarantee.
I feel better already.
- I believe Les, that
you have an item to read.
- I think I have.
- Would you mind reading it?
- Good idea, man,
glad you thought of that
this could go on all day.
- Here we go, would you mind?
- Okay yeah right here's
a business item, man,
Elmore Sarsley just announced
he's selling a brand
new Cadillac for $1,000
with almost everything on it.
- Well what's missing?
- Oh the license plate
and a serial number.
But it was what it was.
- Now with our finger, well
- [Dan] With your finger?
Let's make it her finger
Now with her finger on the
pulse of the medical world,
Dr Martha Welby.
- [Dan] Well done sir.
- Thank you.
- Dr Martha Welby here
with the medical news.
McKinley Morganfield today
announced that he had invented
the world's
smallest hearing aid.
While demonstrating it,
he accidentally swallowed it.
Now he can hear perfectly,
but only if you holler
into his belly button.
- And now a quick
look at today's weather.
- Oh there, nice day isn't it?
- Alexis Smith, star of Follies
has just attended a special
premier of Lost Horizon.
Here are Miss Smith's comments.
- Last night I attended the
opening of Lost Horizon.
Bette Davis was there
with Robert Wagner
who she openly
admits is her best buddy
ever since working
together on It Takes A Thief.
Kate Hepburn was
sitting in front of me
and was so nervous
that when the plane
smashed into the mountain
she nearly fell out of her seat.
Vincent Price said he thought
the film was just beautiful.
And speaking of beauty,
Raquel Welch was stunning
in a blue velvet low cut gown.
- Now here are
those same comments
as they might have been
handled by an unsympathetic editor.
- You attended a premier
last night of Lost Horizon.
I guess there were
a lot of stars there.
- Bette Davis was there
with Robert Wagner
who she openly
admits is a thief.
- Who else was there?
- Kate Hepburn was so smashed
she nearly fell out of her seat.
- I guess everybody showed up
in their best bib
and tucker, huh?
- Vincent Price
was just beautiful
in a blue velvet low cut gown.
- In sports on
this day in history
the Notre Dame locker room
was tense as coach Newt Rockney
had emphatically
told the fighting Irish
to win this one for the gipper.
Then slowly Rockney
turned to his assistant coach
and said pookie pookie pookie.
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh In looked at the news.
(whooping and hollering)
- You know so far I've written
more than five symphonies
and not one of them
has written back.
- You know I came from a
part of town that was so tough
even the moon wouldn't
come out at night.
- Alright order in the court.
Now presiding right honorable
judge William Richmond,
former jazz drummer.
- Order in the court.
(drumming)
- Oh no, I'm not
jumping into bread
with the very first jar of
jelly that comes along.
- Hey, hey hey you
the Indian trader?
- I sure am.
- Well here, here's 16 pelts.
- Okay here's your Indian.
Not bad for a buck.
- Yeah.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this week Burbank celebrates
the Flarb of Lights festival,
the joyous celebration in
which one day will be set aside
in remembrance of
those who gave their lives
in protest for Annette
Funicello movies.
(crashing)
- Captain Amazing,
my dear old father
is sick in the hospital
and I've got to get to
him as soon as possible.
Can you do it.
- Of course.
Taxi.
Taxi.
Can you whistle?
(whistle)
- Well ladies and gentlemen
it's time once again
for my favorite
part of the show.
It's really getting to be
a favorite with
many of you, I know,
where I answer questions
from the studio audience.
So if you have a question
just put your hand up
and one of the ushers
will bring you a microphone
and you'll just
right into the microphone
ask your question.
(clanging) Maybe if you
What is this, first
call to dinner?
What is that?
- Well I have decided
to make a place
for myself in this community.
- You know there's
already a place for yourself
in the community, but I
think the cages are all filled.
- Oh a pox on you.
- A pox on you sir.
- Before you say anymore,
you better look at this.
- Burbank volunteer
fire department.
- I am the Burbank
fire department.
- You all by yourself.
- Yes.
- You mean when there's a
fire in Burbank they call you?
- No I call me.
- Oh, they're in
a lot of trouble.
- And I call the dog pound.
- Well what good does that do?
- A lot, they send over
six wet Saint Bernards
who shake themselves
all over the fire.
- Oh you can't be
- It's a sacred event,
people gather for blocks.
- Ring your bell.
(clanging)
- Dick that's enough,
dalmatians are the fire dogs,
not Saint Bernards.
- Well of course they are,
that's because
they're easier to train.
- How do they train fire dogs?
- Well every time they
do something wrong
they give them their
own fire hydrant.
- Well I thought dogs
liked fire hydrants.
- Not up their nose they don't.
(clanging)
- Alright now come on
big Burbank fireman.
What's the first thing you do
when you get a call
that there's a fire?
- Well foist,
first I determine whether
it's three or four alarm fire.
- Yeah, what's the difference?
- One alarm (laughs).
- C'mon now you don't know
anything about fightin' fires
or anything about
suppose there's somebody
up there on that roof
and they can't get down,
now what are you gonna do?
- That's a thrilling
story tell it to me again.
- There's someone up there
and they're saying help
help I can't get down,
what do you do?
- Right away I get out the net.
- Oh that's the big canvas net
and then they jump into the net.
- No no no, I have
developed a new net
that's 10 stronger and
it lasts 10 times longer
than a canvas net.
- Is that a fact.
- Yes.
- What is it made out of?
- Two by fours.
- Two by well don't
people hurt themselves
when they land on it?
- I don't know I've used
it three or four times
but luckily nobody
has landed on it yet.
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
- Oh Dan and Dick it's no
use I can't go on anymore
my wife left me, I lost my job,
the doctor only gave
me three days to live.
- You only got
three days to live?
- Well then you don't
need a job or a wife.
- Never thought of
it that way (whoops).
- Is it all right to
marry an elephant?
- Well of course not,
don't be ridiculous Jud,
you can't marry an elephant.
- No a guy could never
- You sure?
- Of course a guy could
never marry an elephant.
- Anybody want a good
deal on an engagement ring?
- If you want to know what
a comedian's life is like,
as Dick and Dan, they
know lots of comedians.
- What luck, my first
picture and I'm directing
the greater dancer movies
has ever know, Harlow Swann.
You wanna know something, baby
it cost us a hundred
thou' to get him,
but he's worth it,
know what I mean?
- Ha aren't you making
kind of a one big mistake?
He hasn't made a movie in years.
- Oh baby baby
nothing to worry about,
I mean he'll bring the
people in, you know.
You want to know something,
I can still see his slender,
lithe body flying
through the air.
- Hello there you must be
Dave Burman, I'm Harlow Swann.
- You're Harlow Swann?
- Yes.
- Well what happened,
I mean you've put on a
little weight haven't you?
- Well actually you see
ever since my wife left me
I've become a compulsive eater
but I can still
dance like a fool,
I assure you I can.
- Alright alright listen let's
alright let's start rehearsing
we can start off with
the restaurant number,
now listen the
orchestra isn't here,
so just hum a nice little
tango, you know what I mean?
- (hums) Alright.
- You go sit at the table
and get up when
Carmelita here comes in.
- This is big trouble.
- [Dave] Alright now get
up when Carmelita comes in.
(crunching) Okay
let's go come on.
- Well get up and dance
into her arms and kiss her.
(crunching)
Now spin around over to the bar.
Now hey hey dance
around the table,
around the table.
Let's do the big finish alright?
(humming)
Now come down
here, sit down, alright
sit in your chairs
and toast each other.
(humming) (crunching)
Sit at the table.
And toast each other.
Cut, cut that's that's awful,
we'll have to try it later.
Let's break for lunch.
- Thank heavens, I'm starved.
- Will the only person to
see the hit and run accident
at central and 7th
please contact me tonight
at 11 o'clock in the middle
of the Pasadena freeway.
- Thought about
it for years Nick,
it's the only way
out of this cell
and I'm telling you it'll work.
- Are you crazy?
Even if it works,
and you go first,
who's gonna flush
me down the drain?
- You know this show
reminds me of ol' man river.
- Why?
- Well
it must know something,
it don't say nothing
it just keeps rolling along.
- That's cute, did
you just think of that?
- That's your (laughs)
- [Woman] I'm being
assaulted by a sex fiend
call Captain Amazing.
- This is a job for
Captain Amazing.
(thundering)
- Aha so you're the sex
fiend we been looking for.
Come along.
- This is amazing.
(silly vaudeville music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a big hand for
our special guest tonight,
William Conrad.
- You know, before
you guys go on,
I really want to compliment
the wardrobe department.
Everything they made
for me fits like a glove.
- Ha, you oughta see the gloves,
they make 'em fit like suits.
- You know speaking of suits,
this suit they made for me
is absolutely sensational.
- Well Bill that's
very nice of you
and I'm glad you like it
but I'd better let you
in on a little secret.
- Oh what's that?
- Well it wasn't
really made for you.
- Oh?
- No it was made originally made
for a Frank Sinatra special
with Nelson Riddle
and his orchestra.
- This suit was worn
by Frank Sinatra?
- Well no it was worn
by Nelson Riddle.
- And his orchestra.
- Bill you've been great,
you're gonna like
next week's show too.
We'll give you a little preview.
- Here's some of it right there.
- [Announcer] Our
guest is Don Rickles.
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
With these great cameos.
Charlie Callas
Kent McCord and Martin Milner
- Did you hear about the flat
chested woman who went insane?
- No what about her?
- They put her in a padded bra.
(laughter)
- It's time to say
good night, Dick.
- (laughs) Would you like
to hear what the girl said
after her 200th
silicone injection?
- No I wouldn't.
- She said I am
in the back seat.
- Just say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(audience applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Ah, good night, Dick,
and good morning.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick,
you were amazing.
- What's the password?
- Good night, Dick.
- Wrong.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night my
foot that's my chop.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night,
Dick. (crackling)
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [All] Good night, Dick.
(silly kazoo music)
(laughing)