Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 24 - Episode #6.24 - full transcript
(whimsical music)
- Stop it. (laughter)
- Hey Jo it's a great
pleasure to have you
on the show again
you son of a gun you.
- Yeah same goes for me double.
- Oh you smooth talking devils.
(laughter)
(bouncing)
Well I'll tell you what.
We'll all have a lot
of fun around here
as long as there aren't
any chicken jokes!
- No chicken jokes. (laughter)
- That's one.
- Now, no.
- Oh come on Jo.
- That was not
really a chicken joke.
- Oh.
- No, no this is a chicken joke.
(laughter)
(trumpets)
(applause)
Did that lay an egg?
(applause)
(kazoos)
- Alright stick 'em up.
(splash)
(laughter)
- The supreme court
said it's unconstitutional
to subject anyone to cruel
and unusual punishment.
So tell me why do I
have to come back
on Laugh-In every year?
(laughter)
- I did the television series
McHale's Navy for so long.
That after the final
day of shooting
I had to go to the doctor
and have the barnacles
taken off my sternum.
(laughter)
- 'Scuse me but I
think I'm lost. (laughter)
- A lot of people ask me
why I cry, when I do my act.
If you did my act
you'd cry too. (cries)
(laughter)
(sirens)
(chattering)
- Okay up there,
jump one at a time.
Come on number one, jump!
(thud) (laughter)
Number two, aim
a little to the left.
- Lisa here in the
Whoopee National Forest.
I was told to beware of the
wild game out here in the woods.
And they were right,
I ran into a groovy
ranger last night.
And we played the
wildest game I've ever seen.
Whoo-pee.
(operatic singing)
- Cigars, cigarettes, candy.
- I didn't know you work here.
- Yes I do sir.
- What do you recommend?
- Well for you the steak.
And for her, plastic
surgery. (laughter)
I got Phyllis Diller's number,
buy the bunny, kiss it!
- Oh, I'd like a belt
in the back, please.
- Anything you say.
(belt whips)
- People always ask me
if it's hard being married
to someone who's
gorgeous and talented
and a big star in show business.
Of course not, my wife's
completely adjusted to it.
(laughter)
- How's he Dr. Watson?
You must find out how long
the victim has been dead
and what he died of.
- Ah, eh?
- Oh.
How long has the
victim been dead?!
And what did he die of?!
(clears throat)
(grunting)
- This man has been
dead over an hour.
(thump)
Death resulted from
a blow on the head.
(laughter)
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen
and welcome aboard our flight
from Los Angeles to Los Angeles.
(laughter)
- Los Angeles, I thought
we were going to New York.
- Uh we were, but the
tail fell off. (laughter)
- How do you
prepare your chicken?
- We just tell him he's
gonna die and that's final.
(laughter)
- Could you please keep
that bag a little quiet?
- Gosh.
(laughter)
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with snow
I lost my true lover
And his name was Joe
(laughter)
- Howdy.
How'd you like to take my
beautiful daughter for a ride?
- I'd love too, can I
borrow your horse?
- That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard,
kiss me.
(laughter)
I think we just blew
Alabama. (laughs)
- Harry.
Are you still
attracted to women?
- Women?
- Yeah.
- Well, which one are they?
- Oh, nevermind. (laughter)
- Oh now what seems
to be the problem?
- My husband's been
eating crackers in bed.
- Oh what's wrong with that?
- It's not my bed. (laughter)
- They say the
star system is dead.
Young man, you're
in luck, I have it here.
Just one in a life time.
How would you like a mink coat?
- Okay, but don't get the
idea you own me. (chuckles)
- Of course not, we'll
just be friends. (laughter)
I'll collect you an
album that you'll love.
- My sister had a
shotgun wedding,
in fact her first child was
a son of a gun. (laughter)
- Hey it's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
With Dan Rowan
(applause) and Dick Martin.
With appearances
by Ernest Borgnine,
Sammy Davis Jr.
Robert Goulet Rip Taylor
And Jo Anne Worley.
Plus our regulars Ruth Buzzi.
Lily Tomlin.
Dennis Allen.
Richard Dawson.
Patti Deutsch.
Sarah Kennedy.
Jud Strunk.
Willie Tyler and Lester.
Donna Jean Young.
Lisa Farringer.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this hip new slogan
for Tax Payers Lib.
Right off.
(laughter)
- [Narrator] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(mumbling)
- Ha?
- You're all white clip tonight.
- Thank you.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- Hold it, can I
quote you on that?
- Quote me on what?
- Ah-Ha, deny everything,
wait till my readers
get a load of this.
- Let me guess.
I'll bet that tonight you're
supposed to be a member
of the fourth estate.
- And you'd be
wrong, I'm a reporter.
- Oh. (laughter)
I should've known.
- Flash Martin, that's me.
- Flash Martin. (laughter)
- Flash Martin, the
hot shot news hawk,
from the East
Lampcok Gazette Picky
Post Times Herald
Dispatch Guardian.
- The East Lampock Gazette Picky
Post Times Herald
Dispatch Guardian?
- Oh you've heard of us?
(laughter)
Well I'm not surprised.
We're one of the 10 best
newspapers in the world.
- It sounds like
you're six of the 10
best papers in the world.
(laughter)
- Thank you, but
that's enough small talk.
- Okay.
- And that was
pretty small. (laughter)
- I'm after a story that'll
blow the lid off this town.
- Is that right,
what's the story?
- I don't know,
but I'm after it.
- I see, Dick... (laughter)
- Please, Flash.
- Flash.
- Flash.
- Okay, Flash, you're not
gonna get a story like that.
- Oh yeah, how's this sound?
Top presidential adviser
arrested as dope smuggler.
- What?
- Prominent religious
figure caught in motel
with Spanish dancer, how's that?
(laughter)
- That's preposterous.
- Yeah, how 'bout this one?
Cabinet member absconds
with entire US treasury
and elopes with
the Lenin sisters.
- Now hold on, Flash.
Are these stories true?
- No but they'll blow the
lid off this town. (laughter)
- You can't print
them, it's liable.
- Liable what?
- It's liable to get
you sued, that's what.
- Why that would
be an infringement
of the freedom of the press.
And my right to the
l-ler, my right to the,
life, liberty, and the
pursuit of broads. (laughter)
- It's happiness.
- It certainly is.
- No. (laughter)
Well tell me this Flash,
what made you decide
to become a reporter?
- Because the people have
a right to know, that's why.
- Right to know what?
- Oh, I don't care,
they got a right to
know something.
Our slogan is, all
the news that fits.
- That fits what?
- The paper, it's about
this big. (laughter)
- Where do you get
your information?
- Well from private, confidential,
unimpeachable sources.
- Oh is that so?
Private, confidential, huh?
- Yes.
- Well what if I were a judge,
and I demanded that you tell me
where you got your information?
- I would never tell, I
would protect my source.
- Well you must
tell me his name.
- I don't have to, you see.
That happens to
be an infringement of
my rights as a journalist.
And I am protected
under the first amendment
of the United
States Constitution.
I will never divulge his name.
- Then you'll go to jail.
- It was Jim
Henderson. (laughter)
And he had two accomplishes,
a tall guy and a
short one. (laughter)
- All right.
- And the thousand dollar
bills are in the shower curtain.
- Dick, you oughta be
ashamed of yourself.
- I'm sorry Jim, I had to
tell, they beat it out of me.
(laughter)
Otherwise, my lips are
sealed, you know that.
- And you call
yourself a reporter.
- Alright I will, can I
have a reporter please?
(laughter and applause)
- Hey, whatchu doing
with all that stuff partna?
- I have come here
to clean up Dodge city.
(kazoo music)
- Uh, do you tease hair?
- Oh, I love to tease hair.
(teasing utterances)
- Waita'.
Listen how's the duck tonight?
- Well how would you be if you
had been shot down last week?
(laughter)
- I once did my
act right in front
of the June Taylor dancers.
It was just for
kicks. (laughter)
Who wrote that?
- Oh, hey let's
have another drink.
- Gee do you think we should?
- Well sure we should but,
let's have another drink first.
(laughter)
- Yes we carry large sized
girdles, what is your weight?
240 pounds, oh, you'd like a
fitting room tomorrow afternoon?
Oh well, I'm sorry, but I don't
think I can squeeze you in.
(laughter)
- On this day in history in 1925
Rin Tin Tin, the wonder dog,
became involved in a scandal
in a San Francisco hotel
with a female
wire-haired terrier.
Ruining his career.
(laughter)
- Waiter, I want a steak.
But please tell the
chef I want a fresh piece
not like the last time.
- Okay.
Harry order in one steak,
and not the green one.
(laughter)
- My name is Edith Ann and
I'm five and a half years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what, my dog Buster
was playing with Junior Phillips
and they bit each other.
Once on the ear,
and once on the nose,
and once on another place.
(laughter)
And it's lucky they're
both very healthy,
I wasn't worried about
Junior getting rabies shots,
but I don't like Buster
to have to get shots
for the mumps,
and that's the truth.
(applause)
(bell jingling)
- Aw, you rang the bell.
(laughs)
(bell jingling)
You rang, Chuckles?
(laughs)
- I did.
- Oh good.
- Is my husband at home?
- No he's not, he left to work.
Is there anything I can do?
(laughs)
(bell ringing)
- Aw, you rang madam?
- Oh yes I did.
Um. (laughter)
(bell jingling)
- Aw, you rang madam?
- Yes I did, uh huh.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes, kiss me you fool!
(laughter)
(bell jingling)
- You rang madam?
- Oh yes, is my husband at home?
- No madam he left to work.
Is there anything I can do?
- Kiss me! (laughter)
- Alright but I still
won't do windows.
(applause)
- Little did I know when I
started out singing in the shower
that someday I'd
be here on Laugh-In,
going down the drain.
It's late!
- Come on girls, right here.
Oh Rachel! You're good.
Okay, now when I say
jump, I want you to...
(thud)
You didn't let me finish.
(laughter)
- Man this party
must be really dull.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, I was just
in the kitchen,
and the fried chicken
was on the phone
sending out for people.
(laughter)
- I realize that every
joke can't be a winner,
but can I have
just one? (laughter)
- Oh, thank goodness, boy
you're really something you are.
- You're not so bad yourself.
- I mean it Sarah,
I've never met anyone
who knew to make
love as well as you do.
- Thanks, you're
kind of terrific too.
- I'd certainly like
to see you again,
I wonder, cold I have
your phone number?
- Oh I can't give you my phone
number, I hardly know you.
- In Mighty I played the
part of a poor butcher,
today there's no such
thing as a poor butcher.
- My pajamas don't
have any feet in them.
- Well, that's alright,
you've got enough other stuff
to make up for it. (laughter)
- Pardon me, but could
I slip in ahead of you?
I'm late for work already.
- Oh, I certainly,
please I'm in no hurry.
- Kind, kind gentleman.
- Oh my pleasure, please.
- Hey buddy.
- Pardon me?
- I was behind the lady, get
out of here and wait your turn.
- What is it with
you, you drunk?
What are you some
kind of a sex fiend,
get away from me.
- What are you trying
to do, steal the mail?
Who are you, police!
- Hey hey what's going on here?
- He's stealing the mail!
- Mail robbery is a
federal offence, come on!
- I got him.
Come on now.
- Could you at
least mail this letter?
(laughter)
- Hi Lisa here in the
Whoopee national forest.
I saw Smokey the Bear
today with his 10 children,
no wonder he sleeps all winter.
Whoo-pee.
- If people won't
come to our services,
we'll just have to
get a mobile church
and bring the service to them.
- Yes, and we could call
it Mass Transit. (laughs)
- Harry, you remember the time
they came and painted
our rocking chairs?
- Yes sir. (laughs)
- You remember the
time one of the rockers
came off the legs?
- That I do, yes.
- Oh boy we really had
some exciting times together,
haven't we?
(whimsical music)
- A half a ringy dingy (snorts)
I just love those.
Two ringy dingies,
oh gracious hello.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
Famous author,
Mr. Clifford Irving?
Well hi Cliff, how's it going?
Not written any good
books lately? (snorts)
Now then Cliff
the reason I called
is I want you to
write my biography.
Yes I know you've never met me.
That's why it oughta
be right up your ally.
Maybe later you could
write a new directory
for our unlisted
numbers. (snorts)
A little phone company
humor there. (laughter)
Oh come on Cliff. (applause)
- I auditioned for a part in
a nude movie the other day,
but I was really
awful, guess why?
I fell flat on my chest.
I didn't write that
stuff. (laughs)
- Hey say waiter, what's this
cinnamon doing on my pie?
- I'm sorry I keep forgetting
to dust around here.
And around there,
and around there.
- I think it needs
to be stirred a little.
- Would you mind
jogging for a few minutes?
- On this day in
history in 1962,
Buster M. Fluge of
Pasadena California
was the first man to put
his entire body into a toaster
while wearing wet tennis shoes.
- From now on, we're through.
I want no ties between us.
- Well Ali, whatever
you say. (laughter)
I like to find the
scissor sharpener too.
(laughter)
- I will join you in the search.
(applause)
- You know the last few
years I've decided to become
a man of few words.
Now I believe in getting
right down to the gritty.
(laughter)
- Hi Lisa out here in the woods.
A forest ranger showed me a way,
how to leave a
trail for yourself.
He said all you do is leave a
piece of clothing every 10 feet,
he made me practice
it for three days.
Whoo-pee.
- Jump!
(thud)
Next!
- Everyone asks me
why I wear a toupee,
you ding dongs, I'm bald
because when you carry one,
everyone tries to feed
it, I hate that. (laughter)
(applause)
- Once again,
for the flying fickle finger
of faith award tonight,
the award goes to Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
For Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
because it seems we have
been doing a lot of bad jokes
about Cleveland.
- Well now I thought
we'd been doing
some pretty good
jokes about Cleveland.
- Well, according to a
letter in Bill Hicky's column
in the Cleveland Plain Dealer,
our jokes do real quote,
economic harm to the city,
end quote.
- Good heavens, what did we say?
- Well we've said many things,
but for instance
we have done jokes
about the pollution
in Lake Erie.
We have given the impression,
the mistaken impression,
that Cleveland was
responsible for it.
- Well now don't
tell me New York
has been sneaking stuff
down from the Hudson River?
- Well not exactly, you
see the writer claims
that Detroit causes about
60 percent of that pollution.
And Cleveland only
causes about 16 percent.
- Well Detroit's so
much bigger and dirtier.
- Yeah. (laughter)
And one more thing, I
will do this for Detroit next.
Another thing, several
weeks back on our show.
Jack Plugman did a blackout,
in which it was felt
that he impugned
the musical integrity of
the Cleveland Orchestra.
I didn't even know Jack Plugman
played with the Cleveland
Symphony Orchestra.
(laughter)
- He doesn't actually,
and it's not the Cleveland
Symphony Orchestra.
- What is it?
- Cleveland Orchestra.
- Oh dear me.
- You see because
Cleveland is privileged
to have one of the finest
orchestras in the country.
- Well I certainly
do. (laughter)
- No, Cleveland has.
- Oh Cleveland has
an orchestra too?
Well I have all their records.
- Anyway, genuinely
sorry Cleveland.
And so Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
- Yes.
- On behalf of Cleveland, Ohio.
Here's your Fickle
Finger of Faith. (laughter)
- Son of a gun, it says
made in Cleveland.
(laughter and applause)
- There's the Burt
Reynolds cocktail,
one drink and you
give yourself a hand,
think about it.
- There's the
Forrest Long cocktail,
one drink and you're stiff.
- The Marcel Marceau cocktail,
one drink and you're
at a loss for words.
- I had a Christine
Jorgensen cocktail,
one drink and you
feel like a new man.
- Then there's the mission of
San Juan Capistrano cocktail.
Couple of swallows
and you start flying south.
- The Twiggy
cocktail, two drinks
and you wanna get
everything off your chest.
- The Neil Armstrong cocktail,
one drink and you
take a giant leap.
- The Lilly Schumaker cocktail,
one drink and you
feel like horsing around.
- The Sammy Davis, two
drinks and you're seeing single.
- Anne Boleyn cocktail, one
drink and it goes to your neck.
- Hey Harry.
How come you ain't rocking?
- Well my doctor told me to
start taking it easy. (laughter)
- Dick Martin is really helpful,
when I first came on Laugh-In,
he promised to keep an eye
on me, and he did. (laughs)
I could see it was through that
little hole in his
dressing room.
- Now what's the problem?
- My wife never takes
off her wedgies at night?
- Oh well why don't
you take them off?
- Well every time I
do, he puts them on.
(laughter)
- Lisa here at the
Whoopee National Forest,
and last night Ranger
Tom and I went fur-trapping,
and I did real well.
This morning, Tom
promised me a mink.
Whoo-pee.
(kazoo music)
- I just read a gaylib
children's story,
about a guy who flies through
the air and is effeminate.
It's called, here it comes,
Peter Pansy. (laughter)
- Tonight, we've saluted a lot
of things in our past history,
but tonight we're saluting
the crazy world around us.
And if you want to
take a look at some
of the pretty weird things
that have been happening.
(thudding)
Speaking of crazy worlds
around us, look who's here.
(laughter)
- I knew you were gonna say that
even before you said it.
It's called physic awareness.
- It's called psychic
awareness. (laughter)
And you're not...
- Spelled physic awareness.
- And you're not anymore
psychic than I am.
- Ah-Ha, I am
Martino the Mystic,
and I have this uncanny ability
to instantly be familiar
with unfamiliar surroundings
that are unknown to me.
(laughter)
- Could you say that again?
- No.
- Deja vu.
- Well gesundheit.
- No no, deja
vu, that's the term
I think you were searching for
in that rather
long pram of jyric.
- Deja vu.
- Deja vu yes.
- I can now say
two things in French.
- Deja vu.
- Another one we
won't talk about.
- Alright, you know
what deja vu is?
- No.
- That's that
phenomena when you,
have you ever walked into a room
and you feel that you
have been in there before,
it's a strange room, but you
know you've been there before?
- Exactly, why it happened
to me just two hours ago.
- Where?
- In my dressing room.
- You use your dressing
room all the time,
there's nothing
strange in there for you.
- Are you kidding, who was
that blonde, named Paulette?
I don't know her
from Adam, or Eve.
- Nevermind that.
What makes you think
you have psychic powers?
- Well it runs in my family,
my father had it.
- Was he a medium?
- No he was an extra large.
(laughter)
He was very hard to
buy for at Christmas.
- You have more nerve. (laughs)
What I meant was
about this uncle of yours,
did he have extra
sensory perception?
- I don't think so, I
was an only child.
Were there more, my great
uncle Funmen Morris Martin.
- Funmen Morris Martin.
- He was a warlock.
- Now are you sure?
- Yes he got locked
up during the Civil War.
- He was a warlock.
- Yes.
I am beginning to see
things I haven't able.
- You haven't able.
- Now that could be
construed as ability,
but I am enable.
- You have an ability?
To do what?
- That's deja vu
talk. (laughter)
I am able to. (laughs)
- Once you get something,
you really locked
right on to it, don't you.
- That's right, yes.
- What have you enabled to do?
- Deja vu.
I love that word.
I am able to see into the
future and predict things.
- You are?
- Yes, I are.
- You are enable to do that.
- I are able to do that.
- Tell us what the future
holds, oh mighty seer sucker.
- Seer sucker? (laughter)
Now first I must
go into a trance.
- Well that shouldn't
take too long.
- Just a second.
- There, are you
going into a trance?
(screams)
- Your first prediction?
- Ah, my first prediction!
- Close your eyes.
- Wait a minute till I see
the cue card. (laughter)
- You shouldn't need any help.
Now, close your eyes and
tell me what your prediction.
- I see women wearing
see-through blouses and hot pants.
- Oh what's your
second prediction?
- Wait a minute I am still
looking into my first one.
(laughter)
- I think we've had enough,
you're not gonna predic...
- I predict!
That Al Jolson will
make a comeback.
- Al Jolson's dead.
- Not in Philadelphia
he isn't. (laughter)
- You wanna give me another?
- Hey I have a
prediction for you.
I predict that when
you open your eyes.
You're gonna be all alone.
(laughter)
- Well here I am
in Philadelphia,
Al Jolson what
are you doing here?
(applause)
(upbeat music)
It's bizarre It's a
mess It's bezerk SOS
It's baroque
Nonetheless It's weird
I'll accept a world where
people lift their faces
To eliminate a
bad old double chin
But when dummies
started lifting other places
It's a weird weird weird weird
weird weird world we're in
As a nation we're
not very big on reading
Till a seagull came
and put us in a spin
Well I guess the bird's
exactly what we're needing
In this weird weird weird
weird weird weird world we're in
So the music world
produces mostly clatter
And our movies are
a hit and miss affair
As for nightclubs well it
somehow doesn't matter
As we're going on Broadway
If it isn't Neil Simon
no one seems to care
We can run around and
move connecting samples
But connecting
trash is a major sin
But I think we found
another new example
Of the weird weird weird
weird weird weird world we're in
So Jack Blar is back to
make our evening's brighter
And Raquel is going
in for song and dance
Is Jane Fonda now
a lover not a fighter
Is the whole world changing
From the shores of Burbank
all the way to downtown France
Has the television
really lost its reason
It's a rating game that
no one's gonna win
With the reruns lasting
longer than the season
It's a weird weird weird
weird weird weird world
Our much admired
cheer cheer world
Our weird weird weird weird
weird weird world we're in
Here's the world
we're in (applause)
- You know it's a crazy world
where members of women's
lib will burn their bras
and then call men chauvinist
pigs for staring at them.
(crowd cheers)
- And it's a crazy world
when you can buy tires
that are guaranteed
for 40,000 miles,
but you can't buy a car that is.
- Well it's intermission.
(reeling)
- I just hate to sit
and do nothing.
- And it's a crazy
world for sure.
When Mick Jagger is
considered a sex symbol
by members of both
sexes. (laughter)
- And it's really a
crazy world when
a kid can make spending
money by cutting the grass
in his own bedroom. (laughter)
- Very exciting day for you.
Ah-ha.
There, the plastic surgery was
a perfect success Ms Wilson.
- I don't like it, and it's
Mr. Wilson. (laughter)
- It"s a crazy world
when the older generation
is wife-swamping and
condemning the younger generation
for not getting
married. (laughter)
- YoU know something,
Shaft proved two things
to the movie-going public
and to the producers.
One, that black is beautiful,
and that green is
something else. (laughter)
- I don't know
it's a crazy world
when you've got a proposal
on Marge in the mail,
and it is addressed to occupant.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Hey, hey.
Where you want the chair?
- Well it is a crazy world,
when women are
getting silicone shots
and then dressing like men, oh.
It's hard to do. (laughter)
(sirens)
- Alright, stop right here.
- Perfect.
- Okay, jump! Come on Jump!
What are you chicken?
Jump you chicken!
- Do you know it'd
be a lot cheaper
to change the system
than the griddle?
- Well why would it be cheaper?
- Well you see it's like this,
you only had to do it one way,
cause nobody wanna come back.
- The state of, when you
consider television the state,
I mean talk about a
waste, a wasteland.
I mean when Netwon, when
Ozzie and Harriet tried to,
sign 650 football.
Doc Severson wears
those flashing kind of,
and the inside you
open up the top.
And you see a little rowboat,
I can't it's more. (ringing)
Oh I've gotta go, it's time
for the Gilligan Island's rerun.
- It is a crazy world
when you can go into
a massage parlor,
pay 50 dollars,
and come out without a massage.
- Woah.
Oh, listen.
- [Richard] Who, what I'm sorry.
- It's a crazy world when people
who are opposed
to noise pollution
have to shout to be heard!
- May I help you?
- Uh, well yes.
I bought this hat here yesterday
and well my husband
says it doesn't
go well with this suit.
- Oh well.
- It's a crazy world
when college students
buy term papers they
should write themselves
and then protest against
our corrupt society. (laughter)
- It is a crazy world
when overweight people
will check into
a reducing resort
and pay a 100 dollars a day
not to get any food. (laughter)
- As quality control
inspector here,
I've never seen such
sloppy workmanship.
- Yeah well what's
wrong with them?
They all keep perfect time and
have AM, not to mention FM.
- Yes but they're
supposed to be toasters.
- Really?
(laughter)
- It's a crazy world when we
spend a half an hour everyday
combing, blowing,
and teasing our hair
and then call it a natural.
- My wife, my wife
says that there's nothing
weird or crazy about this world.
But what does he
know? (laughter)
- Hold it, it is a crazy world
when you write a
letter of complaint
to the postmaster general
and it comes back marked
no forwarding address.
It's a world that's changing
faster than the weather
It's so up and down
we simply have to grin
So if misty eyes
would sing it all together
What a weird weird weird
weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world
we're in (applause)
- You know things
certainly change,
I remember when the Rat
Pack used to be led by Frank,
now it's led by Willard.
- When I did the movie Willard,
I got a long quite
well with all the rats,
from the first
moment I saw them,
I had them eating
out of my hand.
And my arm, and
my leg. (laughter)
- Lisa, still in the
Whoopee National Forest,
and there are so many
campers here this time of year.
Last night a group from
the gay liberations arrived
and they've been
camping everywhere,
and they didn't even have tents.
Whoo-pee. (laughter)
- Cigars, cigars!
Photographs?
- I'd like a photograph please.
- Certainly sir, that
will be 100 dollars.
- A 100 dollars for a
picture of me and my wife?
- No a 100 dollars for
the picture I took of you
and that broad you
were with last night.
- Get it, kiss it
Alan would love it.
Kiss the bunny!
- My girlfriend wanted
something she could use
in the winter that would
reflect her personality, you see.
So I gave her a
dog sled. (laughter)
Am I having a good time?
- Waiter.
- Yes.
- How do you expect me
to eat soup with ashes in it?
- Well that's your problem,
I'm too busy trying to find out
how I'm gonna
puff on a wet cigar.
(whimsical music)
Go and get your banjo
and your tambourine
Get your reservations
on the river queen
We are gonna wear
out all our dancing shoes
When we do a minstrel news
Watching news across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope we'll amuse
We'll amuse you You Amuse you
We just love to give
you a view La da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In look at the news
With Rowan and Dick Martin
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In look at the news
With Dan and Dick (applause)
- [Narrator] And now the
Laugh-In news with Monty Hall
making a deal, Jackie
Neilson skipping a meal.
Barbara Streisand
with Ryan O'Neil.
And nudist sunbathers
starting to peel.
Now here's Dan and Dick.
- First these news headlines.
- Femliber burns bra,
shouts equality or bust!
- Secretary Rogers
quitting state department
for career in foreign policy.
- Students riot over hot
bathrooms, cooler heads prevail.
- And now here's Dick
with News of the present.
- Dateline Philpa!
- [Dan] Philadelphia.
- Philadelphia PA.
- Pennsylvania.
- Pennsylvania, that's
the long one isn't it?
- [Dan] You're not supposed
to read the acronyms.
- I'm sorry, I never knew
they had one. (laughter)
Last night the Civic
Center's ballet company
inaugurated a new series
of nude ballets. (laughter)
With a totally unclad
version of Swan Lake.
The performance was
marred by the second act.
- [Dan] In the second act.
- In the second act, by some
unexpected leaps. (laughter)
When 12 swans were
suddenly surprised
by a wild goose. (laughter)
That's two in a row, isn't it?
The annual
convention of midgets,
which was to be held
on the starlight roof
of the Empire State
Building in New York
was called off today
when it was discovered
that none of the honored guests
could push any of
the elevator buttons
back to their floor. (laughter)
That's another good one.
Now if we could just find Dan,
we'd hear the
news of the future.
- The writers are gonna be
delighted that you liked those.
Well done, sir.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- News of the future,
25 years from now.
The Rolling Stones today
released a new album
entitled We're So Poor,
the album sales
are predicted to earn
the group over
three million dollars.
Think about it on the
way home. (laughter)
News of the future
25 years from now,
a new stratosonic jet
flew its maiden flight today
from New York City to Los
Angeles in only 35 minutes.
Instead of the usual meal
and Hollywood film, however,
the passengers were
served a bowl of minute rice
and watched two
30-second commercials.
- Here's Donna with
the qualitative analysis
and prognostications of
the week ahead in television.
- Fantastic reading.
- Thank you.
- We'll cover this somehow
until Donna gets a cue to come...
- Here she comes now.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Here's my prognostication.
Um, that's right. (laughter)
- [Dan] Surprised
you, didn't it?
- NBC Saturday night at
the movies will be exciting,
as a strange creature
with red eyes staggers
around terrifying
all of the. (laughs)
- [Dan] Women.
- Women.
- Women.
- And, don't miss the
Dean Martin show,
where the same thing
happens. (laughter)
- And now can we
hear the minority news?
- Don't ask me, ask
Willie Tyler and Lester.
- My show baby, and now the
most honorable Chinese news.
- Oh come one Les,
wait a minute now.
You can't be fooling anybody.
I mean everybody
knows you're not Chinese.
- Sure round eyes,
my great grandfather was
an ancient Oriental pull down.
- What's an Oriental pUll down?
- Oh about 10 year and a day.
(laughter)
- Here's Sarah Kennedy
with the traffic news.
- Here's a late breaking story,
during a big traffic tie up.
A tank trunk full of nasal spray
spilled into the freeway
and cleared up the congestion
immediately. (laughter)
- For goodness
sake, it's Angel Good,
with the heavenly news.
- Heaven, I'm in heaven.
Hi Angel Good here with
the news from heaven.
Today nominations for the
president of Heaven
were announced.
And Angel George Washington was
the first one to throw
his halo into the ring.
And at the party later,
Patrick Henry got,
I mean he got
loaded, he was a mess.
And he began shouting, give
me liberty or give me death.
That poor guy,
somebody oughta tell him
he has got both
wishes. (laughter)
That's it from Angel Good.
Heaven I'm in heaven.
- Now with equal
time for the other side,
it's Dennis with
a word from hell.
- Hell's bells, here's the news.
Well here's today's
weather forecast,
there will be a high
today of 735 degrees,
followed by an
overnight low of 692.
And watch out tomorrow
we're going to have a heat wave.
- How about a hot
Hollywood item?
- NBC vice president David Tebet
after denying accusations
that movies on TV
are being ruined
by network editing.
Disclosed a blockbuster
lineup of movies
scheduled for next season.
The pictures include,
Around the World in 30 Days.
Bob and Carol and Ted.
A Man for a Couple of Seasons,
Guess Who's Coming to Brunch.
And the Boy and
the Band. (laughter)
- And here's a quick peek
at the Chino-Russian border.
- Uh, comrade.
- Huh?
- I'm reading in paper you
Chinese explode a nuclear bomb.
- Oh of course we did, comrade,
what else would you
do with it? (laughter)
- And now it's the Irish
news, Faithen Bigara.
- It's not Faithen
Bigara it's Patton Mike.
- Is it time to dance again?
- No not yet Mike.
You have an item for you.
- Well Sean O'Leary.
- O'Leary.
- O'Leary, proved conclusively
that finding a four leaf clover
does not always bring good luck.
- Yes he tried to pick one
it was growing under a
fast moving freight train.
- Mr. O'Leary's wake
will be held in the homes
of Mike Flynn, Patrick
O'Brien and Ed Chardasy.
- Chardasy.
(applause)
- On this day in history,
screen star Audrey Hepburn
turned down the lead
in the Kate Smith Story.
(whimsical music)
(applause)
- I'm lost.
I am lost.
- Oh you poor little
boy, what's the matter?
- Well, see I'm
lost and I'm lonely.
- Oh well don't you cry anymore,
I'll take you any
place you wanna go.
- Then what about
your place? (laughter)
How bout my place?
- Ha ha ha ha.
- Hi Lisa here at the
Whoopee National Forest.
Yesterday the ranger
and I went into the woods
to enjoy our natural wonders.
And after that we went around
looking at some of the trees.
Whoo-pee. (laughter)
- Although it's been said
that sometimes when
I sing in nightclubs
that some women sometimes
throw their hotel keys at me,
but being a happily married
man I throw them back.
Sometimes I forget
to let go of them,
but I throw them
back. (laughter)
- I hear that Sister
Theresa is very ambitious.
- Well what makes you say that?
- Well for one thing,
she's got a mother
superiority complex.
- Yes I know, I know,
I don't understand that
a grown man doing this,
my mother thinks I'm in Tijuana
with her sister and the mule.
We won't use it. (laughter)
Hi, got this one brand
new, can you tell?
Got this one from
the leg of a dog,
I go by a tree and this
whole side goes up. (laughter)
- Hey Harry.
You remember them
pills they gave us
in the First World War
to forget about girls.
- Yes, I remember,
what about 'em?
- I think mine is
beginning to work.
- When I first came to Hollywood
I found out that life begins
at 40, 26, 36. (laughter)
Long legs.
- Every night all he wants
to do is hug and kiss me,
and I mean every
night of the week.
- Oh well most women
would think that was wonderful.
- Oh I do, I do, but what if
my husband catches us?
- Did you that I used to
be a 98 pound weakling?
Doctor said I was the
biggest baby he'd ever seen.
(laughter)
- Waiter, why is
this fly In my salad?
- Cause we're out
of soup. (laughter)
We're taking the
collection for the little devil.
- Lost, one rabbit's foot,
two four-leafed clovers
and a horseshoe.
Contact Lucky at the county
hospital intensive care unit.
- Mrs. Franklin where is
Ben, I must speak to him.
- Oh he's out in the yard
playing with his hula hoop.
- Hula hoop, that sounds silly.
- Yeah but it's better
than that stupid kite.
- What's wrong with his kite?
- Uh, shocking.
- Oh well I came
in second in the
East McKee's beauty pageant,
I was still sent to compete
in the Miss America pageant,
you know why?
Cause our first place
winner was drafted. (laughter)
- Will you put
the light out dear?
- Certainly.
(ting)
- What are you doing/
- Well it's my time to go
out and stretch my legs.
- Oh you mean you get to
take a walk around here?
- No, it's my turn on the rack.
- Well you all know that
famous magazine editor
who brings her lunch
to work, dontcha?
Hellen Girlybrownbag. (laughter)
- Oh.
- Mr. Holmes.
- Yeah it's brick.
Thank heavens
you're here, Watson.
You see the victim
here is in very bad shape,
has alerted position,
you can probably tell,
as I'm sure you can,
what his problem is.
- By Jove, I'll get
plenty of hot water,
according to my
careful diagnosis,
this man is in child birth.
Good heaven's man,
where have you been?
- Not with me, I'm
getting out of here.
- You know once I
was in love with a girl
who was a real whino.
Yes sir I worshiped the
ground she slept on. (laughter)
- This is it, perfect.
- Okay now, jump! Jump!
(alarm)
- Oh no it's lunch time.
(boinging)
- You and your crummy ideas,
you said let's open a store with
Going out of Business
signs on the front window,
we'll make a fortune.
We haven't made a cent.
- Oh to that means we're
gonna have to go out of business.
- Well surprise surprise
eh, here you are,
bacon and egg.
- Uh would you just
tell me one thing.
Which is the eggs?
- Everything on there
that isn't black is the egg.
(laughter)
- Okay look handsome boy.
Alright America
shape up or ship out,
General Bull right here
and I'm happy to
announce tonight
that my son, Ulysses S.
Patton McArthur Wright
is getting married,
is that right son?
- Yes sir, affirmative sir!
- And who's the lucky woman son?
- Jackson, Andrea S, sir.
- And what does the
S stand for, Jackson?
- Stonewall sir.
- Good girl.
- Now when are
you joining forces
with that smart little girl?
- D-Day sir.
- D-Day, nothing
like a June wedding.
- We got the wedding
cake baked in the shape
of the Pentagon.
- Yeah and it's
got Spam frosting
and instead of a bride
and groom on top,
it's got the joint chiefs of
staff kneeling on a shingle.
- Oh sounds beautiful,
that girl's gonna
be a good member
of this family US.
- Yes sir.
- Tell me, where's the
honeymoon gonna be?
- Miami Beach sir.
- Miami Beach.
- We're gonna
storm it at 0700, dig in
and stack maneuvers.
- Grenade son.
- Yes sir.
(explosion)
(blows nose)
- Sorry folks, I always cry
at weddings and invasions.
- Terrific.
- Can I hold her hand, sir?
- If you can find
it, you can hold it.
- Hi, it's me Lisa, in the
Whoopee National Forest,
and last night Ranger
Tom and I went camping.
He gathered up lots
of wood for a campfire
and we kept warm all night
snuggling up to the logs.
Tomorrow we may
even light the things.
Whoo-pee.
(hissing)
- What's that hissing noise?
- Well it's either a
radiator sprung a leak
or old Harry there
just took a deep breath.
Or the radiator
took a deep breath,
well you know how it goes.
(whimsical music)
- The problem really
is that my husband
well just doesn't pay
any attention to me.
Tell me, is it me?
- Huh, I'm sorry what'd you say?
- I went on a double date the
other night with Tony Fields.
No one else, just
me and Tony Fields.
(laughter)
- Cigars, cigarettes,
are you lonely sir?
Would you like a little
friend to accompany?
- Sure.
- Come over and
sit with this guy,
I think he's really lonely.
Sit, bring your drink, you
want him to buy you one?
Sit down and relax.
How you doin'
with the old broad?
(hums)
- Well that's our
show for tonight folks.
- Hey you should've
seen the fight in the hall.
- What fight in the hall?
- Well there's one between
a dentist and a machinist.
And they're going at
it tooth and the nail.
(laughter)
- Let's see what's gonna
be going on here next week.
- Tooth and nail.
- [Dan] Our guest
is Jean Stapleton.
(applause)
Our cameo guest is Bill Bixby.
Jack Carter and Henny
Youngman. (cheering)
- I ordered some fish
in the delicatessen,
but the clerk never brought it.
- Well maybe he was
hard of herring. (laughter)
- Hey what do little boy
octopuses like to have for lunch?
- Oh I don't know Richard, what?
- Peanut butter and
jellyfish sandwich.
(cheering)
- Hey, hey.
- [Man] Festival of
Judd Swan, today?
- I'm rolling, I'm rolling.
Who wore baggy pants
and galloped through China,
swinging a mallet?
- I don't know, who?
- Marco Polo Player.
(cheering)
- What flies over the ocean,
with slimy green stuffs
hanging all over him?
Yeah yeah yeah.
- Who?
- Johnathan Livington Sealy.
- Hey listen, the
silver shortage
is giving the US
mint a lot of trouble.
- [Crowd] Really?
- Yes, they may have to
move to smaller quarters?
- You know last night
I watched a restaurant
where they take live lobsters
and throw 'em into
a kettle of hot water?
- Was it boiling?
- Well they weren't too
happy about it. (laughter)
- Hey, wait a second.
What kitchen appliance
wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin?
- [Man] I don't know, who?
- Harriet Beether Stove.
(cheering)
- Hey tell me, who
painted famous pictures,
and cut off his ear,
and had lots of freckles.
- [Man] I don't know, who?
- [Man] Lots of freckles?
- Lots of freckles, it was
Vincent Van Gogh Johnson.
(laughter)
- That's all close enough.
- Whoopee, according
to local officials,
the lone ranger voted in last
year's presidential election.
- Well how did they know that?
- He left a silver ballot.
- What a coinky dinky.
- Coinky dink.
- I just heard that Bob
Hope is going to perform
at the men's hairpiece factory.
- He is?
- Yes he's going to
entertain the toupes.
(laughter)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Everyone] Good night!
(applause)
- Good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick, sir.
(laughter)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hey hey hey, what
are you some kind of?
- Uh good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Candy, cigars, cigarettes.
Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Jump!
Good night, Dick.
(upbeat music)
(sipping)
(kazoo music)
- Uh huh huh uh huh huh huh.
- Stop it. (laughter)
- Hey Jo it's a great
pleasure to have you
on the show again
you son of a gun you.
- Yeah same goes for me double.
- Oh you smooth talking devils.
(laughter)
(bouncing)
Well I'll tell you what.
We'll all have a lot
of fun around here
as long as there aren't
any chicken jokes!
- No chicken jokes. (laughter)
- That's one.
- Now, no.
- Oh come on Jo.
- That was not
really a chicken joke.
- Oh.
- No, no this is a chicken joke.
(laughter)
(trumpets)
(applause)
Did that lay an egg?
(applause)
(kazoos)
- Alright stick 'em up.
(splash)
(laughter)
- The supreme court
said it's unconstitutional
to subject anyone to cruel
and unusual punishment.
So tell me why do I
have to come back
on Laugh-In every year?
(laughter)
- I did the television series
McHale's Navy for so long.
That after the final
day of shooting
I had to go to the doctor
and have the barnacles
taken off my sternum.
(laughter)
- 'Scuse me but I
think I'm lost. (laughter)
- A lot of people ask me
why I cry, when I do my act.
If you did my act
you'd cry too. (cries)
(laughter)
(sirens)
(chattering)
- Okay up there,
jump one at a time.
Come on number one, jump!
(thud) (laughter)
Number two, aim
a little to the left.
- Lisa here in the
Whoopee National Forest.
I was told to beware of the
wild game out here in the woods.
And they were right,
I ran into a groovy
ranger last night.
And we played the
wildest game I've ever seen.
Whoo-pee.
(operatic singing)
- Cigars, cigarettes, candy.
- I didn't know you work here.
- Yes I do sir.
- What do you recommend?
- Well for you the steak.
And for her, plastic
surgery. (laughter)
I got Phyllis Diller's number,
buy the bunny, kiss it!
- Oh, I'd like a belt
in the back, please.
- Anything you say.
(belt whips)
- People always ask me
if it's hard being married
to someone who's
gorgeous and talented
and a big star in show business.
Of course not, my wife's
completely adjusted to it.
(laughter)
- How's he Dr. Watson?
You must find out how long
the victim has been dead
and what he died of.
- Ah, eh?
- Oh.
How long has the
victim been dead?!
And what did he die of?!
(clears throat)
(grunting)
- This man has been
dead over an hour.
(thump)
Death resulted from
a blow on the head.
(laughter)
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen
and welcome aboard our flight
from Los Angeles to Los Angeles.
(laughter)
- Los Angeles, I thought
we were going to New York.
- Uh we were, but the
tail fell off. (laughter)
- How do you
prepare your chicken?
- We just tell him he's
gonna die and that's final.
(laughter)
- Could you please keep
that bag a little quiet?
- Gosh.
(laughter)
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with snow
I lost my true lover
And his name was Joe
(laughter)
- Howdy.
How'd you like to take my
beautiful daughter for a ride?
- I'd love too, can I
borrow your horse?
- That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard,
kiss me.
(laughter)
I think we just blew
Alabama. (laughs)
- Harry.
Are you still
attracted to women?
- Women?
- Yeah.
- Well, which one are they?
- Oh, nevermind. (laughter)
- Oh now what seems
to be the problem?
- My husband's been
eating crackers in bed.
- Oh what's wrong with that?
- It's not my bed. (laughter)
- They say the
star system is dead.
Young man, you're
in luck, I have it here.
Just one in a life time.
How would you like a mink coat?
- Okay, but don't get the
idea you own me. (chuckles)
- Of course not, we'll
just be friends. (laughter)
I'll collect you an
album that you'll love.
- My sister had a
shotgun wedding,
in fact her first child was
a son of a gun. (laughter)
- Hey it's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
With Dan Rowan
(applause) and Dick Martin.
With appearances
by Ernest Borgnine,
Sammy Davis Jr.
Robert Goulet Rip Taylor
And Jo Anne Worley.
Plus our regulars Ruth Buzzi.
Lily Tomlin.
Dennis Allen.
Richard Dawson.
Patti Deutsch.
Sarah Kennedy.
Jud Strunk.
Willie Tyler and Lester.
Donna Jean Young.
Lisa Farringer.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this hip new slogan
for Tax Payers Lib.
Right off.
(laughter)
- [Narrator] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(mumbling)
- Ha?
- You're all white clip tonight.
- Thank you.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- Hold it, can I
quote you on that?
- Quote me on what?
- Ah-Ha, deny everything,
wait till my readers
get a load of this.
- Let me guess.
I'll bet that tonight you're
supposed to be a member
of the fourth estate.
- And you'd be
wrong, I'm a reporter.
- Oh. (laughter)
I should've known.
- Flash Martin, that's me.
- Flash Martin. (laughter)
- Flash Martin, the
hot shot news hawk,
from the East
Lampcok Gazette Picky
Post Times Herald
Dispatch Guardian.
- The East Lampock Gazette Picky
Post Times Herald
Dispatch Guardian?
- Oh you've heard of us?
(laughter)
Well I'm not surprised.
We're one of the 10 best
newspapers in the world.
- It sounds like
you're six of the 10
best papers in the world.
(laughter)
- Thank you, but
that's enough small talk.
- Okay.
- And that was
pretty small. (laughter)
- I'm after a story that'll
blow the lid off this town.
- Is that right,
what's the story?
- I don't know,
but I'm after it.
- I see, Dick... (laughter)
- Please, Flash.
- Flash.
- Flash.
- Okay, Flash, you're not
gonna get a story like that.
- Oh yeah, how's this sound?
Top presidential adviser
arrested as dope smuggler.
- What?
- Prominent religious
figure caught in motel
with Spanish dancer, how's that?
(laughter)
- That's preposterous.
- Yeah, how 'bout this one?
Cabinet member absconds
with entire US treasury
and elopes with
the Lenin sisters.
- Now hold on, Flash.
Are these stories true?
- No but they'll blow the
lid off this town. (laughter)
- You can't print
them, it's liable.
- Liable what?
- It's liable to get
you sued, that's what.
- Why that would
be an infringement
of the freedom of the press.
And my right to the
l-ler, my right to the,
life, liberty, and the
pursuit of broads. (laughter)
- It's happiness.
- It certainly is.
- No. (laughter)
Well tell me this Flash,
what made you decide
to become a reporter?
- Because the people have
a right to know, that's why.
- Right to know what?
- Oh, I don't care,
they got a right to
know something.
Our slogan is, all
the news that fits.
- That fits what?
- The paper, it's about
this big. (laughter)
- Where do you get
your information?
- Well from private, confidential,
unimpeachable sources.
- Oh is that so?
Private, confidential, huh?
- Yes.
- Well what if I were a judge,
and I demanded that you tell me
where you got your information?
- I would never tell, I
would protect my source.
- Well you must
tell me his name.
- I don't have to, you see.
That happens to
be an infringement of
my rights as a journalist.
And I am protected
under the first amendment
of the United
States Constitution.
I will never divulge his name.
- Then you'll go to jail.
- It was Jim
Henderson. (laughter)
And he had two accomplishes,
a tall guy and a
short one. (laughter)
- All right.
- And the thousand dollar
bills are in the shower curtain.
- Dick, you oughta be
ashamed of yourself.
- I'm sorry Jim, I had to
tell, they beat it out of me.
(laughter)
Otherwise, my lips are
sealed, you know that.
- And you call
yourself a reporter.
- Alright I will, can I
have a reporter please?
(laughter and applause)
- Hey, whatchu doing
with all that stuff partna?
- I have come here
to clean up Dodge city.
(kazoo music)
- Uh, do you tease hair?
- Oh, I love to tease hair.
(teasing utterances)
- Waita'.
Listen how's the duck tonight?
- Well how would you be if you
had been shot down last week?
(laughter)
- I once did my
act right in front
of the June Taylor dancers.
It was just for
kicks. (laughter)
Who wrote that?
- Oh, hey let's
have another drink.
- Gee do you think we should?
- Well sure we should but,
let's have another drink first.
(laughter)
- Yes we carry large sized
girdles, what is your weight?
240 pounds, oh, you'd like a
fitting room tomorrow afternoon?
Oh well, I'm sorry, but I don't
think I can squeeze you in.
(laughter)
- On this day in history in 1925
Rin Tin Tin, the wonder dog,
became involved in a scandal
in a San Francisco hotel
with a female
wire-haired terrier.
Ruining his career.
(laughter)
- Waiter, I want a steak.
But please tell the
chef I want a fresh piece
not like the last time.
- Okay.
Harry order in one steak,
and not the green one.
(laughter)
- My name is Edith Ann and
I'm five and a half years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what, my dog Buster
was playing with Junior Phillips
and they bit each other.
Once on the ear,
and once on the nose,
and once on another place.
(laughter)
And it's lucky they're
both very healthy,
I wasn't worried about
Junior getting rabies shots,
but I don't like Buster
to have to get shots
for the mumps,
and that's the truth.
(applause)
(bell jingling)
- Aw, you rang the bell.
(laughs)
(bell jingling)
You rang, Chuckles?
(laughs)
- I did.
- Oh good.
- Is my husband at home?
- No he's not, he left to work.
Is there anything I can do?
(laughs)
(bell ringing)
- Aw, you rang madam?
- Oh yes I did.
Um. (laughter)
(bell jingling)
- Aw, you rang madam?
- Yes I did, uh huh.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes, kiss me you fool!
(laughter)
(bell jingling)
- You rang madam?
- Oh yes, is my husband at home?
- No madam he left to work.
Is there anything I can do?
- Kiss me! (laughter)
- Alright but I still
won't do windows.
(applause)
- Little did I know when I
started out singing in the shower
that someday I'd
be here on Laugh-In,
going down the drain.
It's late!
- Come on girls, right here.
Oh Rachel! You're good.
Okay, now when I say
jump, I want you to...
(thud)
You didn't let me finish.
(laughter)
- Man this party
must be really dull.
- Why do you say that?
- Well, I was just
in the kitchen,
and the fried chicken
was on the phone
sending out for people.
(laughter)
- I realize that every
joke can't be a winner,
but can I have
just one? (laughter)
- Oh, thank goodness, boy
you're really something you are.
- You're not so bad yourself.
- I mean it Sarah,
I've never met anyone
who knew to make
love as well as you do.
- Thanks, you're
kind of terrific too.
- I'd certainly like
to see you again,
I wonder, cold I have
your phone number?
- Oh I can't give you my phone
number, I hardly know you.
- In Mighty I played the
part of a poor butcher,
today there's no such
thing as a poor butcher.
- My pajamas don't
have any feet in them.
- Well, that's alright,
you've got enough other stuff
to make up for it. (laughter)
- Pardon me, but could
I slip in ahead of you?
I'm late for work already.
- Oh, I certainly,
please I'm in no hurry.
- Kind, kind gentleman.
- Oh my pleasure, please.
- Hey buddy.
- Pardon me?
- I was behind the lady, get
out of here and wait your turn.
- What is it with
you, you drunk?
What are you some
kind of a sex fiend,
get away from me.
- What are you trying
to do, steal the mail?
Who are you, police!
- Hey hey what's going on here?
- He's stealing the mail!
- Mail robbery is a
federal offence, come on!
- I got him.
Come on now.
- Could you at
least mail this letter?
(laughter)
- Hi Lisa here in the
Whoopee national forest.
I saw Smokey the Bear
today with his 10 children,
no wonder he sleeps all winter.
Whoo-pee.
- If people won't
come to our services,
we'll just have to
get a mobile church
and bring the service to them.
- Yes, and we could call
it Mass Transit. (laughs)
- Harry, you remember the time
they came and painted
our rocking chairs?
- Yes sir. (laughs)
- You remember the
time one of the rockers
came off the legs?
- That I do, yes.
- Oh boy we really had
some exciting times together,
haven't we?
(whimsical music)
- A half a ringy dingy (snorts)
I just love those.
Two ringy dingies,
oh gracious hello.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
Famous author,
Mr. Clifford Irving?
Well hi Cliff, how's it going?
Not written any good
books lately? (snorts)
Now then Cliff
the reason I called
is I want you to
write my biography.
Yes I know you've never met me.
That's why it oughta
be right up your ally.
Maybe later you could
write a new directory
for our unlisted
numbers. (snorts)
A little phone company
humor there. (laughter)
Oh come on Cliff. (applause)
- I auditioned for a part in
a nude movie the other day,
but I was really
awful, guess why?
I fell flat on my chest.
I didn't write that
stuff. (laughs)
- Hey say waiter, what's this
cinnamon doing on my pie?
- I'm sorry I keep forgetting
to dust around here.
And around there,
and around there.
- I think it needs
to be stirred a little.
- Would you mind
jogging for a few minutes?
- On this day in
history in 1962,
Buster M. Fluge of
Pasadena California
was the first man to put
his entire body into a toaster
while wearing wet tennis shoes.
- From now on, we're through.
I want no ties between us.
- Well Ali, whatever
you say. (laughter)
I like to find the
scissor sharpener too.
(laughter)
- I will join you in the search.
(applause)
- You know the last few
years I've decided to become
a man of few words.
Now I believe in getting
right down to the gritty.
(laughter)
- Hi Lisa out here in the woods.
A forest ranger showed me a way,
how to leave a
trail for yourself.
He said all you do is leave a
piece of clothing every 10 feet,
he made me practice
it for three days.
Whoo-pee.
- Jump!
(thud)
Next!
- Everyone asks me
why I wear a toupee,
you ding dongs, I'm bald
because when you carry one,
everyone tries to feed
it, I hate that. (laughter)
(applause)
- Once again,
for the flying fickle finger
of faith award tonight,
the award goes to Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
For Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
because it seems we have
been doing a lot of bad jokes
about Cleveland.
- Well now I thought
we'd been doing
some pretty good
jokes about Cleveland.
- Well, according to a
letter in Bill Hicky's column
in the Cleveland Plain Dealer,
our jokes do real quote,
economic harm to the city,
end quote.
- Good heavens, what did we say?
- Well we've said many things,
but for instance
we have done jokes
about the pollution
in Lake Erie.
We have given the impression,
the mistaken impression,
that Cleveland was
responsible for it.
- Well now don't
tell me New York
has been sneaking stuff
down from the Hudson River?
- Well not exactly, you
see the writer claims
that Detroit causes about
60 percent of that pollution.
And Cleveland only
causes about 16 percent.
- Well Detroit's so
much bigger and dirtier.
- Yeah. (laughter)
And one more thing, I
will do this for Detroit next.
Another thing, several
weeks back on our show.
Jack Plugman did a blackout,
in which it was felt
that he impugned
the musical integrity of
the Cleveland Orchestra.
I didn't even know Jack Plugman
played with the Cleveland
Symphony Orchestra.
(laughter)
- He doesn't actually,
and it's not the Cleveland
Symphony Orchestra.
- What is it?
- Cleveland Orchestra.
- Oh dear me.
- You see because
Cleveland is privileged
to have one of the finest
orchestras in the country.
- Well I certainly
do. (laughter)
- No, Cleveland has.
- Oh Cleveland has
an orchestra too?
Well I have all their records.
- Anyway, genuinely
sorry Cleveland.
And so Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
- Yes.
- On behalf of Cleveland, Ohio.
Here's your Fickle
Finger of Faith. (laughter)
- Son of a gun, it says
made in Cleveland.
(laughter and applause)
- There's the Burt
Reynolds cocktail,
one drink and you
give yourself a hand,
think about it.
- There's the
Forrest Long cocktail,
one drink and you're stiff.
- The Marcel Marceau cocktail,
one drink and you're
at a loss for words.
- I had a Christine
Jorgensen cocktail,
one drink and you
feel like a new man.
- Then there's the mission of
San Juan Capistrano cocktail.
Couple of swallows
and you start flying south.
- The Twiggy
cocktail, two drinks
and you wanna get
everything off your chest.
- The Neil Armstrong cocktail,
one drink and you
take a giant leap.
- The Lilly Schumaker cocktail,
one drink and you
feel like horsing around.
- The Sammy Davis, two
drinks and you're seeing single.
- Anne Boleyn cocktail, one
drink and it goes to your neck.
- Hey Harry.
How come you ain't rocking?
- Well my doctor told me to
start taking it easy. (laughter)
- Dick Martin is really helpful,
when I first came on Laugh-In,
he promised to keep an eye
on me, and he did. (laughs)
I could see it was through that
little hole in his
dressing room.
- Now what's the problem?
- My wife never takes
off her wedgies at night?
- Oh well why don't
you take them off?
- Well every time I
do, he puts them on.
(laughter)
- Lisa here at the
Whoopee National Forest,
and last night Ranger
Tom and I went fur-trapping,
and I did real well.
This morning, Tom
promised me a mink.
Whoo-pee.
(kazoo music)
- I just read a gaylib
children's story,
about a guy who flies through
the air and is effeminate.
It's called, here it comes,
Peter Pansy. (laughter)
- Tonight, we've saluted a lot
of things in our past history,
but tonight we're saluting
the crazy world around us.
And if you want to
take a look at some
of the pretty weird things
that have been happening.
(thudding)
Speaking of crazy worlds
around us, look who's here.
(laughter)
- I knew you were gonna say that
even before you said it.
It's called physic awareness.
- It's called psychic
awareness. (laughter)
And you're not...
- Spelled physic awareness.
- And you're not anymore
psychic than I am.
- Ah-Ha, I am
Martino the Mystic,
and I have this uncanny ability
to instantly be familiar
with unfamiliar surroundings
that are unknown to me.
(laughter)
- Could you say that again?
- No.
- Deja vu.
- Well gesundheit.
- No no, deja
vu, that's the term
I think you were searching for
in that rather
long pram of jyric.
- Deja vu.
- Deja vu yes.
- I can now say
two things in French.
- Deja vu.
- Another one we
won't talk about.
- Alright, you know
what deja vu is?
- No.
- That's that
phenomena when you,
have you ever walked into a room
and you feel that you
have been in there before,
it's a strange room, but you
know you've been there before?
- Exactly, why it happened
to me just two hours ago.
- Where?
- In my dressing room.
- You use your dressing
room all the time,
there's nothing
strange in there for you.
- Are you kidding, who was
that blonde, named Paulette?
I don't know her
from Adam, or Eve.
- Nevermind that.
What makes you think
you have psychic powers?
- Well it runs in my family,
my father had it.
- Was he a medium?
- No he was an extra large.
(laughter)
He was very hard to
buy for at Christmas.
- You have more nerve. (laughs)
What I meant was
about this uncle of yours,
did he have extra
sensory perception?
- I don't think so, I
was an only child.
Were there more, my great
uncle Funmen Morris Martin.
- Funmen Morris Martin.
- He was a warlock.
- Now are you sure?
- Yes he got locked
up during the Civil War.
- He was a warlock.
- Yes.
I am beginning to see
things I haven't able.
- You haven't able.
- Now that could be
construed as ability,
but I am enable.
- You have an ability?
To do what?
- That's deja vu
talk. (laughter)
I am able to. (laughs)
- Once you get something,
you really locked
right on to it, don't you.
- That's right, yes.
- What have you enabled to do?
- Deja vu.
I love that word.
I am able to see into the
future and predict things.
- You are?
- Yes, I are.
- You are enable to do that.
- I are able to do that.
- Tell us what the future
holds, oh mighty seer sucker.
- Seer sucker? (laughter)
Now first I must
go into a trance.
- Well that shouldn't
take too long.
- Just a second.
- There, are you
going into a trance?
(screams)
- Your first prediction?
- Ah, my first prediction!
- Close your eyes.
- Wait a minute till I see
the cue card. (laughter)
- You shouldn't need any help.
Now, close your eyes and
tell me what your prediction.
- I see women wearing
see-through blouses and hot pants.
- Oh what's your
second prediction?
- Wait a minute I am still
looking into my first one.
(laughter)
- I think we've had enough,
you're not gonna predic...
- I predict!
That Al Jolson will
make a comeback.
- Al Jolson's dead.
- Not in Philadelphia
he isn't. (laughter)
- You wanna give me another?
- Hey I have a
prediction for you.
I predict that when
you open your eyes.
You're gonna be all alone.
(laughter)
- Well here I am
in Philadelphia,
Al Jolson what
are you doing here?
(applause)
(upbeat music)
It's bizarre It's a
mess It's bezerk SOS
It's baroque
Nonetheless It's weird
I'll accept a world where
people lift their faces
To eliminate a
bad old double chin
But when dummies
started lifting other places
It's a weird weird weird weird
weird weird world we're in
As a nation we're
not very big on reading
Till a seagull came
and put us in a spin
Well I guess the bird's
exactly what we're needing
In this weird weird weird
weird weird weird world we're in
So the music world
produces mostly clatter
And our movies are
a hit and miss affair
As for nightclubs well it
somehow doesn't matter
As we're going on Broadway
If it isn't Neil Simon
no one seems to care
We can run around and
move connecting samples
But connecting
trash is a major sin
But I think we found
another new example
Of the weird weird weird
weird weird weird world we're in
So Jack Blar is back to
make our evening's brighter
And Raquel is going
in for song and dance
Is Jane Fonda now
a lover not a fighter
Is the whole world changing
From the shores of Burbank
all the way to downtown France
Has the television
really lost its reason
It's a rating game that
no one's gonna win
With the reruns lasting
longer than the season
It's a weird weird weird
weird weird weird world
Our much admired
cheer cheer world
Our weird weird weird weird
weird weird world we're in
Here's the world
we're in (applause)
- You know it's a crazy world
where members of women's
lib will burn their bras
and then call men chauvinist
pigs for staring at them.
(crowd cheers)
- And it's a crazy world
when you can buy tires
that are guaranteed
for 40,000 miles,
but you can't buy a car that is.
- Well it's intermission.
(reeling)
- I just hate to sit
and do nothing.
- And it's a crazy
world for sure.
When Mick Jagger is
considered a sex symbol
by members of both
sexes. (laughter)
- And it's really a
crazy world when
a kid can make spending
money by cutting the grass
in his own bedroom. (laughter)
- Very exciting day for you.
Ah-ha.
There, the plastic surgery was
a perfect success Ms Wilson.
- I don't like it, and it's
Mr. Wilson. (laughter)
- It"s a crazy world
when the older generation
is wife-swamping and
condemning the younger generation
for not getting
married. (laughter)
- YoU know something,
Shaft proved two things
to the movie-going public
and to the producers.
One, that black is beautiful,
and that green is
something else. (laughter)
- I don't know
it's a crazy world
when you've got a proposal
on Marge in the mail,
and it is addressed to occupant.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Hey, hey.
Where you want the chair?
- Well it is a crazy world,
when women are
getting silicone shots
and then dressing like men, oh.
It's hard to do. (laughter)
(sirens)
- Alright, stop right here.
- Perfect.
- Okay, jump! Come on Jump!
What are you chicken?
Jump you chicken!
- Do you know it'd
be a lot cheaper
to change the system
than the griddle?
- Well why would it be cheaper?
- Well you see it's like this,
you only had to do it one way,
cause nobody wanna come back.
- The state of, when you
consider television the state,
I mean talk about a
waste, a wasteland.
I mean when Netwon, when
Ozzie and Harriet tried to,
sign 650 football.
Doc Severson wears
those flashing kind of,
and the inside you
open up the top.
And you see a little rowboat,
I can't it's more. (ringing)
Oh I've gotta go, it's time
for the Gilligan Island's rerun.
- It is a crazy world
when you can go into
a massage parlor,
pay 50 dollars,
and come out without a massage.
- Woah.
Oh, listen.
- [Richard] Who, what I'm sorry.
- It's a crazy world when people
who are opposed
to noise pollution
have to shout to be heard!
- May I help you?
- Uh, well yes.
I bought this hat here yesterday
and well my husband
says it doesn't
go well with this suit.
- Oh well.
- It's a crazy world
when college students
buy term papers they
should write themselves
and then protest against
our corrupt society. (laughter)
- It is a crazy world
when overweight people
will check into
a reducing resort
and pay a 100 dollars a day
not to get any food. (laughter)
- As quality control
inspector here,
I've never seen such
sloppy workmanship.
- Yeah well what's
wrong with them?
They all keep perfect time and
have AM, not to mention FM.
- Yes but they're
supposed to be toasters.
- Really?
(laughter)
- It's a crazy world when we
spend a half an hour everyday
combing, blowing,
and teasing our hair
and then call it a natural.
- My wife, my wife
says that there's nothing
weird or crazy about this world.
But what does he
know? (laughter)
- Hold it, it is a crazy world
when you write a
letter of complaint
to the postmaster general
and it comes back marked
no forwarding address.
It's a world that's changing
faster than the weather
It's so up and down
we simply have to grin
So if misty eyes
would sing it all together
What a weird weird weird
weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world
we're in (applause)
- You know things
certainly change,
I remember when the Rat
Pack used to be led by Frank,
now it's led by Willard.
- When I did the movie Willard,
I got a long quite
well with all the rats,
from the first
moment I saw them,
I had them eating
out of my hand.
And my arm, and
my leg. (laughter)
- Lisa, still in the
Whoopee National Forest,
and there are so many
campers here this time of year.
Last night a group from
the gay liberations arrived
and they've been
camping everywhere,
and they didn't even have tents.
Whoo-pee. (laughter)
- Cigars, cigars!
Photographs?
- I'd like a photograph please.
- Certainly sir, that
will be 100 dollars.
- A 100 dollars for a
picture of me and my wife?
- No a 100 dollars for
the picture I took of you
and that broad you
were with last night.
- Get it, kiss it
Alan would love it.
Kiss the bunny!
- My girlfriend wanted
something she could use
in the winter that would
reflect her personality, you see.
So I gave her a
dog sled. (laughter)
Am I having a good time?
- Waiter.
- Yes.
- How do you expect me
to eat soup with ashes in it?
- Well that's your problem,
I'm too busy trying to find out
how I'm gonna
puff on a wet cigar.
(whimsical music)
Go and get your banjo
and your tambourine
Get your reservations
on the river queen
We are gonna wear
out all our dancing shoes
When we do a minstrel news
Watching news across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope we'll amuse
We'll amuse you You Amuse you
We just love to give
you a view La da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In look at the news
With Rowan and Dick Martin
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In look at the news
With Dan and Dick (applause)
- [Narrator] And now the
Laugh-In news with Monty Hall
making a deal, Jackie
Neilson skipping a meal.
Barbara Streisand
with Ryan O'Neil.
And nudist sunbathers
starting to peel.
Now here's Dan and Dick.
- First these news headlines.
- Femliber burns bra,
shouts equality or bust!
- Secretary Rogers
quitting state department
for career in foreign policy.
- Students riot over hot
bathrooms, cooler heads prevail.
- And now here's Dick
with News of the present.
- Dateline Philpa!
- [Dan] Philadelphia.
- Philadelphia PA.
- Pennsylvania.
- Pennsylvania, that's
the long one isn't it?
- [Dan] You're not supposed
to read the acronyms.
- I'm sorry, I never knew
they had one. (laughter)
Last night the Civic
Center's ballet company
inaugurated a new series
of nude ballets. (laughter)
With a totally unclad
version of Swan Lake.
The performance was
marred by the second act.
- [Dan] In the second act.
- In the second act, by some
unexpected leaps. (laughter)
When 12 swans were
suddenly surprised
by a wild goose. (laughter)
That's two in a row, isn't it?
The annual
convention of midgets,
which was to be held
on the starlight roof
of the Empire State
Building in New York
was called off today
when it was discovered
that none of the honored guests
could push any of
the elevator buttons
back to their floor. (laughter)
That's another good one.
Now if we could just find Dan,
we'd hear the
news of the future.
- The writers are gonna be
delighted that you liked those.
Well done, sir.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- News of the future,
25 years from now.
The Rolling Stones today
released a new album
entitled We're So Poor,
the album sales
are predicted to earn
the group over
three million dollars.
Think about it on the
way home. (laughter)
News of the future
25 years from now,
a new stratosonic jet
flew its maiden flight today
from New York City to Los
Angeles in only 35 minutes.
Instead of the usual meal
and Hollywood film, however,
the passengers were
served a bowl of minute rice
and watched two
30-second commercials.
- Here's Donna with
the qualitative analysis
and prognostications of
the week ahead in television.
- Fantastic reading.
- Thank you.
- We'll cover this somehow
until Donna gets a cue to come...
- Here she comes now.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Here's my prognostication.
Um, that's right. (laughter)
- [Dan] Surprised
you, didn't it?
- NBC Saturday night at
the movies will be exciting,
as a strange creature
with red eyes staggers
around terrifying
all of the. (laughs)
- [Dan] Women.
- Women.
- Women.
- And, don't miss the
Dean Martin show,
where the same thing
happens. (laughter)
- And now can we
hear the minority news?
- Don't ask me, ask
Willie Tyler and Lester.
- My show baby, and now the
most honorable Chinese news.
- Oh come one Les,
wait a minute now.
You can't be fooling anybody.
I mean everybody
knows you're not Chinese.
- Sure round eyes,
my great grandfather was
an ancient Oriental pull down.
- What's an Oriental pUll down?
- Oh about 10 year and a day.
(laughter)
- Here's Sarah Kennedy
with the traffic news.
- Here's a late breaking story,
during a big traffic tie up.
A tank trunk full of nasal spray
spilled into the freeway
and cleared up the congestion
immediately. (laughter)
- For goodness
sake, it's Angel Good,
with the heavenly news.
- Heaven, I'm in heaven.
Hi Angel Good here with
the news from heaven.
Today nominations for the
president of Heaven
were announced.
And Angel George Washington was
the first one to throw
his halo into the ring.
And at the party later,
Patrick Henry got,
I mean he got
loaded, he was a mess.
And he began shouting, give
me liberty or give me death.
That poor guy,
somebody oughta tell him
he has got both
wishes. (laughter)
That's it from Angel Good.
Heaven I'm in heaven.
- Now with equal
time for the other side,
it's Dennis with
a word from hell.
- Hell's bells, here's the news.
Well here's today's
weather forecast,
there will be a high
today of 735 degrees,
followed by an
overnight low of 692.
And watch out tomorrow
we're going to have a heat wave.
- How about a hot
Hollywood item?
- NBC vice president David Tebet
after denying accusations
that movies on TV
are being ruined
by network editing.
Disclosed a blockbuster
lineup of movies
scheduled for next season.
The pictures include,
Around the World in 30 Days.
Bob and Carol and Ted.
A Man for a Couple of Seasons,
Guess Who's Coming to Brunch.
And the Boy and
the Band. (laughter)
- And here's a quick peek
at the Chino-Russian border.
- Uh, comrade.
- Huh?
- I'm reading in paper you
Chinese explode a nuclear bomb.
- Oh of course we did, comrade,
what else would you
do with it? (laughter)
- And now it's the Irish
news, Faithen Bigara.
- It's not Faithen
Bigara it's Patton Mike.
- Is it time to dance again?
- No not yet Mike.
You have an item for you.
- Well Sean O'Leary.
- O'Leary.
- O'Leary, proved conclusively
that finding a four leaf clover
does not always bring good luck.
- Yes he tried to pick one
it was growing under a
fast moving freight train.
- Mr. O'Leary's wake
will be held in the homes
of Mike Flynn, Patrick
O'Brien and Ed Chardasy.
- Chardasy.
(applause)
- On this day in history,
screen star Audrey Hepburn
turned down the lead
in the Kate Smith Story.
(whimsical music)
(applause)
- I'm lost.
I am lost.
- Oh you poor little
boy, what's the matter?
- Well, see I'm
lost and I'm lonely.
- Oh well don't you cry anymore,
I'll take you any
place you wanna go.
- Then what about
your place? (laughter)
How bout my place?
- Ha ha ha ha.
- Hi Lisa here at the
Whoopee National Forest.
Yesterday the ranger
and I went into the woods
to enjoy our natural wonders.
And after that we went around
looking at some of the trees.
Whoo-pee. (laughter)
- Although it's been said
that sometimes when
I sing in nightclubs
that some women sometimes
throw their hotel keys at me,
but being a happily married
man I throw them back.
Sometimes I forget
to let go of them,
but I throw them
back. (laughter)
- I hear that Sister
Theresa is very ambitious.
- Well what makes you say that?
- Well for one thing,
she's got a mother
superiority complex.
- Yes I know, I know,
I don't understand that
a grown man doing this,
my mother thinks I'm in Tijuana
with her sister and the mule.
We won't use it. (laughter)
Hi, got this one brand
new, can you tell?
Got this one from
the leg of a dog,
I go by a tree and this
whole side goes up. (laughter)
- Hey Harry.
You remember them
pills they gave us
in the First World War
to forget about girls.
- Yes, I remember,
what about 'em?
- I think mine is
beginning to work.
- When I first came to Hollywood
I found out that life begins
at 40, 26, 36. (laughter)
Long legs.
- Every night all he wants
to do is hug and kiss me,
and I mean every
night of the week.
- Oh well most women
would think that was wonderful.
- Oh I do, I do, but what if
my husband catches us?
- Did you that I used to
be a 98 pound weakling?
Doctor said I was the
biggest baby he'd ever seen.
(laughter)
- Waiter, why is
this fly In my salad?
- Cause we're out
of soup. (laughter)
We're taking the
collection for the little devil.
- Lost, one rabbit's foot,
two four-leafed clovers
and a horseshoe.
Contact Lucky at the county
hospital intensive care unit.
- Mrs. Franklin where is
Ben, I must speak to him.
- Oh he's out in the yard
playing with his hula hoop.
- Hula hoop, that sounds silly.
- Yeah but it's better
than that stupid kite.
- What's wrong with his kite?
- Uh, shocking.
- Oh well I came
in second in the
East McKee's beauty pageant,
I was still sent to compete
in the Miss America pageant,
you know why?
Cause our first place
winner was drafted. (laughter)
- Will you put
the light out dear?
- Certainly.
(ting)
- What are you doing/
- Well it's my time to go
out and stretch my legs.
- Oh you mean you get to
take a walk around here?
- No, it's my turn on the rack.
- Well you all know that
famous magazine editor
who brings her lunch
to work, dontcha?
Hellen Girlybrownbag. (laughter)
- Oh.
- Mr. Holmes.
- Yeah it's brick.
Thank heavens
you're here, Watson.
You see the victim
here is in very bad shape,
has alerted position,
you can probably tell,
as I'm sure you can,
what his problem is.
- By Jove, I'll get
plenty of hot water,
according to my
careful diagnosis,
this man is in child birth.
Good heaven's man,
where have you been?
- Not with me, I'm
getting out of here.
- You know once I
was in love with a girl
who was a real whino.
Yes sir I worshiped the
ground she slept on. (laughter)
- This is it, perfect.
- Okay now, jump! Jump!
(alarm)
- Oh no it's lunch time.
(boinging)
- You and your crummy ideas,
you said let's open a store with
Going out of Business
signs on the front window,
we'll make a fortune.
We haven't made a cent.
- Oh to that means we're
gonna have to go out of business.
- Well surprise surprise
eh, here you are,
bacon and egg.
- Uh would you just
tell me one thing.
Which is the eggs?
- Everything on there
that isn't black is the egg.
(laughter)
- Okay look handsome boy.
Alright America
shape up or ship out,
General Bull right here
and I'm happy to
announce tonight
that my son, Ulysses S.
Patton McArthur Wright
is getting married,
is that right son?
- Yes sir, affirmative sir!
- And who's the lucky woman son?
- Jackson, Andrea S, sir.
- And what does the
S stand for, Jackson?
- Stonewall sir.
- Good girl.
- Now when are
you joining forces
with that smart little girl?
- D-Day sir.
- D-Day, nothing
like a June wedding.
- We got the wedding
cake baked in the shape
of the Pentagon.
- Yeah and it's
got Spam frosting
and instead of a bride
and groom on top,
it's got the joint chiefs of
staff kneeling on a shingle.
- Oh sounds beautiful,
that girl's gonna
be a good member
of this family US.
- Yes sir.
- Tell me, where's the
honeymoon gonna be?
- Miami Beach sir.
- Miami Beach.
- We're gonna
storm it at 0700, dig in
and stack maneuvers.
- Grenade son.
- Yes sir.
(explosion)
(blows nose)
- Sorry folks, I always cry
at weddings and invasions.
- Terrific.
- Can I hold her hand, sir?
- If you can find
it, you can hold it.
- Hi, it's me Lisa, in the
Whoopee National Forest,
and last night Ranger
Tom and I went camping.
He gathered up lots
of wood for a campfire
and we kept warm all night
snuggling up to the logs.
Tomorrow we may
even light the things.
Whoo-pee.
(hissing)
- What's that hissing noise?
- Well it's either a
radiator sprung a leak
or old Harry there
just took a deep breath.
Or the radiator
took a deep breath,
well you know how it goes.
(whimsical music)
- The problem really
is that my husband
well just doesn't pay
any attention to me.
Tell me, is it me?
- Huh, I'm sorry what'd you say?
- I went on a double date the
other night with Tony Fields.
No one else, just
me and Tony Fields.
(laughter)
- Cigars, cigarettes,
are you lonely sir?
Would you like a little
friend to accompany?
- Sure.
- Come over and
sit with this guy,
I think he's really lonely.
Sit, bring your drink, you
want him to buy you one?
Sit down and relax.
How you doin'
with the old broad?
(hums)
- Well that's our
show for tonight folks.
- Hey you should've
seen the fight in the hall.
- What fight in the hall?
- Well there's one between
a dentist and a machinist.
And they're going at
it tooth and the nail.
(laughter)
- Let's see what's gonna
be going on here next week.
- Tooth and nail.
- [Dan] Our guest
is Jean Stapleton.
(applause)
Our cameo guest is Bill Bixby.
Jack Carter and Henny
Youngman. (cheering)
- I ordered some fish
in the delicatessen,
but the clerk never brought it.
- Well maybe he was
hard of herring. (laughter)
- Hey what do little boy
octopuses like to have for lunch?
- Oh I don't know Richard, what?
- Peanut butter and
jellyfish sandwich.
(cheering)
- Hey, hey.
- [Man] Festival of
Judd Swan, today?
- I'm rolling, I'm rolling.
Who wore baggy pants
and galloped through China,
swinging a mallet?
- I don't know, who?
- Marco Polo Player.
(cheering)
- What flies over the ocean,
with slimy green stuffs
hanging all over him?
Yeah yeah yeah.
- Who?
- Johnathan Livington Sealy.
- Hey listen, the
silver shortage
is giving the US
mint a lot of trouble.
- [Crowd] Really?
- Yes, they may have to
move to smaller quarters?
- You know last night
I watched a restaurant
where they take live lobsters
and throw 'em into
a kettle of hot water?
- Was it boiling?
- Well they weren't too
happy about it. (laughter)
- Hey, wait a second.
What kitchen appliance
wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin?
- [Man] I don't know, who?
- Harriet Beether Stove.
(cheering)
- Hey tell me, who
painted famous pictures,
and cut off his ear,
and had lots of freckles.
- [Man] I don't know, who?
- [Man] Lots of freckles?
- Lots of freckles, it was
Vincent Van Gogh Johnson.
(laughter)
- That's all close enough.
- Whoopee, according
to local officials,
the lone ranger voted in last
year's presidential election.
- Well how did they know that?
- He left a silver ballot.
- What a coinky dinky.
- Coinky dink.
- I just heard that Bob
Hope is going to perform
at the men's hairpiece factory.
- He is?
- Yes he's going to
entertain the toupes.
(laughter)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Everyone] Good night!
(applause)
- Good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick, sir.
(laughter)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hey hey hey, what
are you some kind of?
- Uh good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Candy, cigars, cigarettes.
Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Jump!
Good night, Dick.
(upbeat music)
(sipping)
(kazoo music)
- Uh huh huh uh huh huh huh.