Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 20 - Episode #6.20 - full transcript
- You know, after doing,
why am I facing him
like you're not here?
- No, that's all right.
- Oh, I'm in the middle, right.
- Here we are,
the Ritz brothers.
- If our shoes show
up, we'll dance for you.
You know, after doing
Laugh-In, I always feel
so lighthearted and happy.
- Because you enjoy
working with talented people.
- No.
- Because you enjoy
entertaining people.
- No.
- Well, then why do you
feel lighthearted and happy
after working on Laugh-In?
- Because as soon as it's over,
I get bombed outta my kook.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, pardon me sir,
do you have something
for lounging around the house?
- Yes, I got a brother
in law named Dave
who's great for lounging
around the house,
not to mention my sister in law.
- Your sister in law?
- I told you not
to mention that.
- Hello, my name
is Jay Paul Heddy,
I'm been investing
with EF Glutton for years
and I just want to
say that they've really
done a lot for me, you might say
I owe them everything.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
- Harry, Harry?
- Yes.
- What does it say?
- It says big sale going on at
Joe's Window Repair Shop.
(audience laughs)
- I regret that I have
but one whoopee
to give for my country, whoopee.
- Oh, hi, hon,
what'll it be today?
- Oh, just a quick rinse please.
- Oh, certainly, you got it.
- You show me a cowboy
that goes jingle jangle jingle,
and I'll show you a cowboy
that rides sidesaddle saddle...
- I kid you, John
Wayne's a great start,
told me that last night, I
said, John, how do you feel,
and he went (imitates horse)
(audience laughs)
- I spent five years
in McHale's navy
and here I am on Laugh-In
getting torpedoed again.
- Okay, sister, move it.
(kazoo music)
Will you marry me?
- Hey, what day is it today?
- It's Tuesday, why?
- 'Cause on Wednesday
I have to inhale again.
- In, out, in, out.
- I'm black, but
my name is white,
so you folks that
call SS are in trouble.
- The Invisible
Man story, take one.
(clapboard claps)
(audience laughs)
- Waiter, there's something
wrong with my buns.
- Don't worry about
it, nobody's perfect.
(audience laughs)
Though you're
abusing the privilege.
- Oh, look here, Watson, the
murderer left his fingerprints
all over this table.
- Oh, unsanitary devil,
by Jove, that is better.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I'm sorry, I
was a little late, fellas.
- Well, what happened?
- Oh, I was billing
the banana sale.
- Oh, what's the
banana sale for?
- About 59 cents a bunch.
- This is your captain speaking.
It's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starting Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with cameo guests,
Ernest Borgnine,
Arthur Godfrey, Don
Rickles, John Wayne,
and Slappy White, plus
Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Patti
Deutsch, Jud Strunk,
Donna Jean Young, Lisa Maringer,
and this is Gary Owens
aboard Burbank's flagship
saying there's no reason
for your not smoking,
after all, the engines are!
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
(audience claps)
- I can't believe...
- Well, it certainly
was well deserved.
(men laugh)
Thank you very much, good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
- And incidentally, I have
found a way to improve our act.
- Oh good, you're gonna do
your half out in the parking lot.
(audience laughs)
Huh?
- I am going to
do impersonations.
- Oh, stop it, everybody
does impersonations.
- Of James Cagney in a swamp?
- Well, this I've got to see.
- All right, James
Cagney in a swamp.
All right, you guys.
(audience laughs)
That pretty good?
- You really do a
great mosquito, that's it.
Well, tonight, ladies
and gentlemen...
- Wait a minute,
I'm not through yet.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- Do you wanna see my
impression of Humphrey Bogart
in Mexico?
- Well...
- Fishing off la playa?
- Fishing off la playa?
- At four in the afternoon?
- Uh-Huh.
- In 86 degree weather?
- 86 degree weather.
- Using a blue spinning wheel?
- Wearing a blue spinning reel.
- Well, whatever, it's his reel,
he can use it if he wants to.
Not wearing a hat.
- Does he have
a nail in his shoe?
- Yes.
And he walks with a limp.
- You've seen this.
- No, I haven't
either, all right.
- All right, I'll give
it to you all again.
- No you don't have to.
- Humphrey Bogart in Mexico.
- Will you just go
ahead and do it?
- All right.
All right, you guys.
(audience laughs)
- Wait, wait a minute,
don't encourage him,
that's the worst
impression I've ever seen.
It was no different
than your Cagney,
and what did you have to
swat the mosquito again for?
- Well, Bogart was
fishing in the waters
very near the swamp
where Cagney was in.
(audience laughs)
And now ladies and
gentlemen, Gary Cooper,
rolling a cigarette...
- In a swamp.
- No, not in a swamp.
- Not in a swamp.
- Rolling a cigarette
in a windstorm
riding a bucking
bronco, this is...
- Riding a...
- Riding a bucking bronco,
rolling a cigarette.
- This is not gonna be
swatting the mosquito?
- No, no, no, that
would be much too much
of a coincidence, coinkydink.
(audience laughs)
Now, all right, here
it goes, behind my,
I'm gonna do this right here.
- You're rolling the cigarette
- So no one'll see it.
- In the wind.
- Right.
- And it's got a bucking bronco.
- And it's Gary Cooper, Coop
as we called him, here we go.
Well, I was gonna give
up smoking anyway.
(audience laughs)
You don't understand
that thing, you didn't think
I'd work that mosquito
in, there, right!
(audience laughs)
I scared you, didn't I?
- Yeah, you did.
- I didn't do Cooper.
- No you didn't.
- Watch this.
I think I got him.
- You do any women?
- I beg your pardon?
See you bring one
out and I'll show you.
How 'bout the girl from
that painting sketch?
- Can you impersonate a woman?
- Well certainly, certainly,
here's Raquel Welch
looking at her new shoes.
(audience laughs)
- Are you through?
- Not until I do Jolson.
- Al Jolson?
- Well, who do you
think, Sid Jolson?
Of course Al Jolson.
- Al Jolson.
- He was the greatest
showman that ever lived.
- That may be true.
- He was Mr. Show
Business, when he walked out
on that stage, you
could hear a pin drop,
and he'd yell for
the lights to come up,
and he'd walk down that runway
and then he'd captivate
audiences all over the world
with his singing, he
brought joy to kings, queens,
jacks or better, with
his darkened face
and his white gloves, he
dropped down on one knee
and only as Al Jolson
could do it, he'd say,
say the secret word
and George Fenneman
will kiss you on the lips.
- Wait a minute, that's not
Jolson, that's Groucho Marx.
- Groucho Marx,
can you imagine that,
stealing Al Jolson's act,
why he oughta be ashamed
of himself, that's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.
(audience claps)
- Laura, where did you put the
combination to the new safe?
- Harry, I put it where
no one will ever steal it.
- Good.
- In the new safe!
(audience laughs)
- And now here's
Kate Miss to sing
When the Moon Comes
over my whoopee.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, dad, I got some good news
and I got some bad news for you.
First of all, I am leaving home
and I am never
coming back again.
- What's the bad news?
(audience laughs)
- Officer Coldwell checking in.
- [Man] We're fixing
breakfast in the police kitchen,
how do you like your eggs, over.
- Over, thank you.
- Anyone who thinks
all blacks look alike
hasn't seen Moms Mabley
standing next to Diana Ross.
- Being in 200 cowboy pictures
has its drawbacks, you know.
I've ridden into the
sunset so many times
the one end of my
horse is peeling.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, Golda Meir
please, hello, Golda,
Golda, listen, it's your
mama, what's new?
Henry Kissinger
promised you support?
Golda, marry him, marry him, oh,
military support, listen,
I don't know, Golda,
I mean, if you accept
his phantom jets,
what will he expect from you?
Golda, I raised you
to be a decent girl,
bases in Israel,
I'll go along with,
but without a wedding
ring, nothing else,
look, Golda, come home,
I'll find you a nice Jewish boy.
You what, you got a whole
army of nice Jewish boys?
Golda, stay right where you are,
I'll be there in the morning
with your cousin Gelda,
her sister Rose,
maybe Minna Weinstein,
maybe Belle Harkovitz,
we'll all be there
singing and dancing, bye bye.
(goofy music)
- Don't put that in your mouth.
How do you know it hasn't
been smoked by some bum?
- A few more like that,
and I think we'll have to
put the jokes in a circle
and fight for our lives.
- Hey waiter.
- Just a second, you old bag.
Harry, I think 12 minutes
is more than enough
for those three minute eggs.
- Hero's crimestopper
hint number 65.
If you own a myna bird,
do not teach him to say
foul or obscene words
because if an officer of the law
should overhear him
swearing, you could be arrested
and charged with
contributing to the delinquency
of a myna bird.
- Do you believe I
can cure you by faith?
- Yes, I do!
- Oh, you're a bad-looking lady.
In that case, can I interest
you in some custom jewelry?
Go take a hike with
the fella over here
in the trick or
treat Zumba outfit.
- Hey, Arthur, you've
been in the business
from the beginning, huh?
- What would you say,
Arthur, is the difference
between radio and television?
- Mmm, about 12 grand a week.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
- By Jove, I think
I've got it, Mr. Holmes.
- How's that, Watson?
- If I am not mistaken,
the tea was poisoned.
- By Jove, I think you,
oh dear, you've got it.
- Elementary, my dear
Holmes, elementary.
- I'm sorry I agreed
to appear on this show.
Like every good cowboy I
wanna die with my boots on,
but not in front of
20 million people.
(audience laughs)
- Leaving for work
now, dear, late,
oh, wait, give me a kiss,
quick, come on, come on.
Bye bye!
- Bye, darling.
(door slams)
Thank goodness, I
thought he'd never leave.
Now I've gotta change
quickly for the milkman.
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
- Ah, a vision!
- Oh, my darling Bob, I've
been longing to see you, oh!
(doorbell rings)
Oh my gosh.
- What's that?
- Oh, it must be the mailman,
you wait right here for me.
- I'll wait here for you.
- Honey, honey, I
forgot my briefcase.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
I forgot, okay, just a
minute, I'll be with you.
- Oh, there it is, hey,
huh, oh, well, I'm off again,
bye bye.
- Bye bye.
(door slams)
(goofy music)
- Oh!
- Oh, my darling!
(doorbell rings)
My dear!
- What's that?
- I don't know
who that could be.
- I'll wait here, you go
see, go see who it is.
Maybe it's your hairdresser.
(goofy music)
- I forgot my car keys!
Honey, are you home?
Oh, I bet they're over
there with the, what the?
- Hi.
- Get that door fixed, jeeze.
- I'm sorry.
- That's fine, dear, bye.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
- Oh, my darling!
- Don't darling me if you
aren't serious, I'm leaving, bye.
- Oh!
- You know what, I forgot to
kiss you goodbye, come here.
What are you doing
dressed like that?
- Well, it was sort of a surprise,
I wanted to dress for you
when you came home
from work tonight.
- Sweetheart, I had no
idea you felt that way.
You know what I'm gonna do,
you know what I'm gonna do?
- What, what are you gonna do?
- Stay home from work, okay?
- Oh.
- Okay, big hug,
come on, big hug.
- Honey, I'm sorry I
acted that way, oh,
I've been gone five
minutes, and already
you've got another
boyfriend, aha!
(milk bottles shatter)
(audience laughs)
Let her explain
that to her husband.
(audience claps)
(sexy music)
You wanna see a
scene that's picturesque
Then spend a moment
at the old burlesque
All the paying customers
would lose their minds
When the ladies started
on their bumps and grinds
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to give your views
La da de da Ladies and gents
Ladies and gents
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In tells of the news
With Dick and Dan
(audience claps)
- [Announcer] And now
it's time for the news
with Arnold Palmer on the left,
George Pinney in a huff,
Burt Reynolds in the buff,
and Audrey Hepburn, not enough,
and here with the
news, Diamond Dick.
- But first these
news headlines.
- Amnesia victim
calls loss of memory
unforgettable experience.
- Dr. Spock elected to Congress,
gets rid of gas lobby
by burping Oklahoma.
- Seven dwarfs
come to Hollywood,
look up Mickey Rooney.
- And here's Dick
with present news.
- Thank you,
increasing grain prices
are forcing cattle
ranchers to cut costs
by using new cattle
field made of seaweed
and pulverized fish,
after several months
of using this mixture,
one Texas ranch owner
lost his prize longhorns
when suddenly
they swam up the
Rio Grande to spawn.
- [Dick] You like that one, huh?
- News of the present,
dateline Lo gangle ness.
- [Dick] Los Angeles.
- Los Angeles, the fight for...
- [Dick] City of the angels.
- City of the angels is a
good name for the kids.
- And you know our mayor.
- Ah, mayor, sure, but the
other horses didn't come in.
News of the present,
dateline Los Angeles,
the fight for population
control took a giant leap forward
today when a remarkable
new type of birth control pill
was introduced, when
asked how the pill worked,
the spokesman for
the manufacturer said,
(laughs) was that close, the
spokesman for the manufacturer
said, it's quite
simple, for 24 hours
immediately after
taking the pill,
it makes any woman look
just like Anthony Quinn.
(audience laughs)
See, Anthony Quinn is not...
- I understand it, well,
what about an introduction?
- All right, certainly,
how do you do, I'm Dan.
- Not like that.
- Oh, then you
wanna know yourself.
- All right, I'll do the
news of the future
without an introduction.
- [Dan] Well, do the
news of the future.
- I always introduce
you for the present news.
- All right, here's Dune,
what's your name?
- Never mind, I'll do it
without an introduction.
20 years from now, here's
the future, dateline Washington.
Evidence of continued
bugging of the Democrats
by the Republicans
became apparent today
when the Republicans
denied latest charges
a full half hour before
the Democrats made them.
- And now for the foreign news,
first our reporter in the
bush country of Australia.
- We're here in the
bush country of Australia,
where due to a
serious meat shortage,
open season for hunting
kangaroo has been declared.
Is it difficult to track
down kangaroos?
- Oh, now of course
you're asking me
is it difficult to track
down kangaroos?
Now, you see,
kangaroos are very lonely,
so all you do is sneak up and
leave your name and address
in their pockets.
- Thank you for talking to us.
- Righto, governor.
- And now to our man
in Africa to talk about
the number one need
on the dark continent.
- [Man] Flashlights, that's
what we need, flashlights.
- Special on the spot look
at the China Russia border.
- (Russian accent) Why
is your country called
People's Republic of China?
- Oh, there are eight
hundred million people here,
what should we call it, the
Penguin's Republic of China?
Crazy round guy,
fall off your rickshaw?
You need a vacation.
- This is my vacation!
- Not to mention arrest.
- I told you not
to mention arrest.
- Now Heavy Helen's
gonna lay something on you.
- Hey, what do you
say, group, I mean, like,
this is Heavy Helen coming
on with the freaky news.
Let me lay this one on you.
Last night, a bunch of
us, like, felt like surfing,
so, like, we got on our
boards and, like, we hung 10
for about, like, an hour,
then the fuzz showed up
and shut off the hydrants,
made us feel real low, man,
so we went back
to rolling the winos.
- And now the news
goes to Hades with Dennis.
- Hell's bells!
Here's the news,
well, folks, last week
we had a big party to honor
the biggest world leaders
we have down here, now
after a wonderful dinner,
we toasted Nero and Napoleon,
that was all we had time for,
you know, I think we're
just gonna have to get
that toaster fixed, eh, see?
- And for all you
guys in the mob,
here's a report
from the Godmother.
- Alice Capone here
with the syndicate news.
Today a man was picked
up while carrying a suspicious
looking violin case into a
union labor leader's office,
however, he was
quickly released,
when to the amazement
of police officers,
he was able to play a Beethoven
etude on a sawed off shotgun
- Here with a
special showbiz item
is famous Hollywood
columnist, Sheila Graham.
- Steve McQueen
and Dustin Hoffman
will receive three
million dollars
for their forthcoming
movie, Papillon,
the story of the only man to
escape from Devil's Island.
These gigantic salaries
have so depleted the budget
that the movie can't
afford to go on location,
therefore, Devil's
Island will be played by
William Conrad floating nude
in a Hollywood swimming pool
with a palm tree in his navel.
Ladies and gents
Laugh it up to the news
(jazzy music)
(audience applauds)
- When I was a kid, all
the kids in my neighborhood
would play hide
and seek at night.
The only trouble was
that nobody could find us
until morning.
- Mr. Godfrey, everybody in
my hometown of Farmington,
Maine, is finally
getting indoor plumbing.
- (Laughs) I guess
it's really true, then,
that as Maine goes,
so goes the nation.
(audience laughs)
- How do I love thee, let
me count the whoopees.
Whoopee!
- The only difference
between being in Laugh-In
and being tortured
by hostile Indians
is that with the Indians,
you only die once,
but here, it's over
and over and over.
- My brother in law has
a hobby, he collects dust,
that wasn't bad.
(audience laughs)
- Aha!
- What do you want with
an old cigarette wrapper?
- I'm saving the coupon, how
do you think I got this suit?
- I think I can prove that
death was accidental,
Mr. Holmes.
- How's that, Watson?
- Well, Lady Thomas
was standing right here,
and Lord, here, and
Lord Thomas was standing
just about where I am,
he heard the phone ring.
(phone rings)
Hello, Mr. Holmes, it's for you.
(goofy music)
- If you wanna be a
bigtime cowboy star,
there are three things
that you have to remember.
Always keep your gun
loaded, always feed your horse,
and never let a porcupine
get in your chaps.
- Show me a man who is
kind and gentle and loving
and I'll sell him a dress.
Dancing through
the fairy godfathers
- One thing everybody
knows about me
is that I won't do a commercial
unless I believe in it 100%.
I'll tell you more
about that in a moment
after a word from
the Easter bunny.
(goofy music)
- They've been
married 12 years...
- I don't like to butt
in, but there's no soap
in my dressing room.
- Oh, good, you won't
need the towel then.
- They're married for 12
years and have 12 kids.
- Say, I'm from the
Burbank Asylum.
- You're also in front of
my camera, there you go.
- And I'm looking for
an escaped patient,
he's wearing a white coat and
dark glasses, you seen him?
- Well, you're
wearing a white coat.
- And dark glasses.
- I am?
- Yeah.
- Say, you, come along with me.
(audience laughs)
- A Nobel prizewinner
if ever I've seen one.
How would you like to buy
a gold mine for 20 dollars?
- Oh, I'd love that,
how can you afford
to sell a gold
mine for 20 dollars?
- It's the last one I have left,
and I wanna get home early.
- That's the guy you
know from the parking lot.
- I finally found some soap,
but now I don't have a towel.
- Oh, well you won't
need the soap, then.
All right, so after they're
married for 12 years...
- I just signed a
million dollar contract
with the Flamingo
Hotel in Las Vegas,
but I got to do a
lot of work for it,
it's averaged out to
about a dollar a window.
(funky music)
- I'm flying back home
to Farmington, Maine.
- [Man] Is that right?
- Yeah, why, there's a fella
that crossed a
goat with a sheep.
- [Man] What'd he get?
- Now he has an
animal that eats tin cans
and gives steel wool.
(audience laughs)
(funky music)
- Hey Dan, you know
what, a friend of mine
flew into New York airport
and had no trouble at all
catching a cab.
- Well, how'd he do it?
- Well, he stepped off the curb
and caught it in the
left shoulder. (laughs)
(funky music)
- Hey, Mary, boy, isn't it
fun traveling with intellectuals
and high class people, eh?
- Oh, yeah, don't you wish
they'd throw these bums out
and invite some?
(funky music)
- It's hard to figure out
exactly who's responsible
for the inflationary
state of the economy.
Everybody in Washington
keeps passing the buck and a half.
(funky music)
- The man who said what's
good for General Motors
is good for the country
never tried to breathe
near the freeway.
(audience laughs)
(funky music)
- I know a guy who
hitchhikes so much,
Ralph Nader just
recalled his thumb.
- I'll drink to that.
- Oh, me too.
(funky music)
- Hey, Lis, would you like to
take a memory course with me?
- What do you mean?
- Well, you come up to my place
and I'll show you an
evening you'll never forget.
- Whoopee.
(funky music)
- I understand next
month's Popular Mechanics
is going to have a new
centerfold of George Meany
holding a monkey wrench.
(funky music)
(audience applauds)
- It's time again for
Debunking the Myth.
You know the old saying
that toads cause warts?
Well, I say bunk, toads cause
pimples, bunnies cause warts.
- All right, watch it, Buster.
- The vile rumor persists
that I always have
a glass of Scotch
with my breakfast.
That is a foul slander, I
never ate breakfast in my life.
- Don't fire until you see
the whites of their whoopees.
- When's dinner?
- October 27th.
- The Mark Spitz
Story, take one.
- All right, have you
got all the ingredients
for the batter in the bowl.
- Yes, I have.
- Okay, now beat it.
- Okay, see you later.
- Johnson, at last
I've caught you.
So you're the spy for our
competition, Needleman Enterprises
selling secrets,
betraying our trusts,
have you no honesty,
have you no decency?
- Well, how you'd
know I'd be here?
- From our spy at
Needleman Industry.
- Why don't you
get up and get a job?
- What, and lose my spot?
- I know Dick Martin personally,
saw him on the corner
yesterday going, I'm Dick Martin.
I gave him a cookie, and
he did a trick into his ear.
- Do you have spring lamb?
- No, but I can give
you a pork chop
that's been here
since last summer.
(audience laughs)
- Fire!
I think I'm hurt bad, Dan.
- When did it happen,
during the last attack?
- No, just now when I went fire!
- When I was kid, we
were so poor in the ghetto
that the parents of the
poor starving kids in Europe
used to tell them about
us to make them feel better.
- You know, Arthur, I
think everybody in the world
knows that you're a
pilot, you do a lot of flying,
but I don't think
everyone knows the story
behind that time you
got in a little trouble
with the authorities,
what happened?
- Well, it was nothing
really, nothing,
I was flying around in the 747.
- So what's wrong with that?
- Nothing except in a 747
you're not allowed to fly around.
(audience laughs)
- What do you do?
- You have to sit in your
seat like the other passengers.
- Oh.
- All we found at the
scene of the crime
was this cape and this needle.
- Oh, wait a minute,
Watson, I've got it!
Here, suppose, you see,
the needle is poisoned
and inserted, you see, right
here in the back of the cape
unbeknownst to Lord Carver.
- Heavens!
- Then the killer sneaked
up behind the poor devil,
in a crowd, you see, shoved
against him thus, you see,
inserting the needle
with the deadly poison.
- Old chap, I
think you've got it!
(audience laughs)
- My son has seen me
play cowboy parts so much
that he keeps asking me what
I want to be when I grow up.
- In our salute tonight, we
are paying special tribute
to sunny California, and
there are a great many things
about this beautiful
part of the country
that we're gonna talk
about, and I'm afraid
here comes one of 'em now.
(man mumbles)
How are you, Dan?
(man mumbles)
Good to see you?
(man mumbles)
- Whoo, whoo, I
almost couldn't get it out,
I almost blanked out.
- Well, how could you tell?
(audience laughs)
Why are you walking around
with a tube stuck in your mouth?
- Well, I may be
wrong, but I think
that's where you're
supposed to stick it.
- Moving right along.
(audience laughs)
- Actually, this is
part of the equipment
of my new business venture.
- Your new business venture?
- Yes, deep, no, actually,
I'm gonna rename it.
- Well good.
- Paul just lost 20 dollars,
it's Dick's Deep Sea
Incorporated.
- You wanna try it again?
- Dip's deek sea?
How about Rubber Buggy Bumpers?
- Your new venture is called...
- Dick's Deep Six Incorporated.
- It is difficult to say.
- It's not as hard as
rubber buggy bumpers.
- No, no, can you elucidate?
- Well, that's kind
of the problem,
you have to unzip
all these things...
- No, I mean, could
you tell me more about
this business of
yours, what do you do?
- Well, I'm a skin diver.
- Well, it figures that you're,
I mean, what do you
do with your company?
- I dive, that's why
I wear this outfit.
- I'm trying to find out
what do you dive for.
- Sunken treasure.
- Where do you find any
sunken treasure around here?
- Aha!
- Aha!
- In 1588, the Spanish
Armada sunk right off the coast
of Santa Monica.
- No, wait a minute,
the Spanish Armada
never sailed in those waters.
- That's what I said, they
didn't sail at all, it sunk
right in those waters,
whoops, right to the bottom.
- Do you know what kind
of cargo they were carrying?
- Doubloons.
- Doubloons, I suppose
you know what a doubloon is.
- You ready for this?
(audience laughs)
A doubloon is the thing the
kids blow up at the circus.
(Dan groans)
There goes my doubloon! (laughs)
- There goes your, all right,
now that you're in this outfit
I suppose you should
know something about it.
- That's true.
- Deep Six Incorporated, yes.
- Deep Six.
- Have you ever suffered
from nitrogen narcosis?
- No, I use a good
mouth spray myself.
- No, I mean, how do
you avoid the bends?
- The bends, aha, those
can easily be avoided.
- Be happy to hear how.
- Let's assume
you have the bends.
- No, let's assume you
wanna prevent the bends.
- Aha, the way to prevent them
is to stand up straight,
no more bends!
You're lucky I came out to
answer all these dumb questions.
- I guess I am.
- Did you know, for instance,
that they are gardening
at the bottom of the ocean?
- Yes, I did know that,
they call it hydroponics.
- Well, why did you ask
me out with all these silly
questions if you already
know all the answers?
- I don't know the
answer to that question.
- Well, I don't know the
question either. (laughs)
Thank you, you know that I
can see it all happening now.
- What'd you thank me for?
- I don't know, I just
thought I'd throw it in.
I may not see
you after this bit.
(audience laughs)
- I'll guarantee you
won't see me after this bit.
- I'm looking for Lloyd
Bridges, look at this.
The day will come.
- What day?
- You can see this day coming.
- That's not just a certain day,
it's a historic day,
the day will come
when man will be able to
walk from New York to London
underwater.
- Well, why in the world would
someone want to walk across
the Atlantic Ocean?
- To get to the other side.
- (Groans) Wait a minute.
- To keep his pants up.
- I'm gonna...
- It's one or the other.
- I'm gonna just
keep going ahead,
how did you get
interested in oceanography?
- Well, it was from
my uncle, Willy Martin.
The well-known frogman.
- No kidding, frogman,
was he in the Navy?
- No, he's in a special home
in Denver going (imitates frog)
(audience laughs)
- Well, we're gonna go right
into our salute to California.
- Okay, well, I must be off.
(audience laughs)
(piano music)
California's home to
me I'm a movie star
It's a better place to work
Than say Rome or Oklahom-ar
But I'm never here though
I'm in Spain instead, ole
California's looking good
But Hollywood is dead
- You know, my great
granddad started out
from California from
Philadelphia in a covered wagon
in 1849, I'm getting
a little worried
'cause he should be here by now.
(audience laughs)
- Is the coast clear?
- Used to be, then they
started offshore drilling.
- In my days, the
hero of a cowboy movie
didn't kiss the girl because
he was too much of a man.
Nowadays he still
doesn't kiss the girl
but for an entirely
different reason.
- Get your maps
to the stars' homes,
can't find the stars'
homes without a map?
- How's business?
- Fine, just sold a map
to Dean Martin's home.
- Okay, and
who'd you sell it to?
- Dean Martin.
(piano music)
California's pretty good
It's got groovy surf
When I'm out there hanging 10
Watch this old dad
Really go dad When
a big one wipes me out
Things look pretty grim
But I'll catch that perfect wave
The day I learn to
swim (audience claps)
- In California, it
used to take nine days
to deliver the mail from
San Diego to San Francisco.
But now with the
modern postal system,
a letter can make the same
trip in just under a week.
- Ooh, you mean this is a
genuine Navajo blanket, huh?
- Yes, it was originally woven
by old Navajo woman in
1874 and I can let you have it
for just 85 dollars.
- Ooh, will it keep
me nice and warm?
- It sure will, you
see, just plug this cord.
- I see.
- Actually, you don't
plug that into the wall.
- What do you...
- You plug the
cord into the wall,
this must be a second blanket.
Now here's one you wind up.
- This is the California
border patrol.
Do you have any
fruits to declare?
- Percy, this darling gentleman
wants a word with you.
(audience laughs)
- A lot of young
people write to me
asking if they should
come to Hollywood
to become movie
stars, well, it sure beats
going to Dayton, Ohio.
(piano music)
When you're in the burger game
California's great I
do all my work outside
In this thriving local drive-in
You can order chocolate malts
Fries with mayonnaise
You can hold my menus tight
But never touch my
trays (audience claps)
- This is one of the finest
homes in San Clementi.
- Well, we are interested
in buying this house.
- Well, may I ask what
line of work you're in?
- I am the President.
- Oh, well, I'm afraid not then,
I mean, in order
to make the loan,
you have to have a steady job.
- Where's Johnny Carson's house?
- That's Johnny Carson's
house right there.
- How can you tell?
- Well, you can see Joey
Bishop looking out of the window.
- My great grandparents
arrived in Los Angeles
in 1862 in a covered wagon,
well, that may not sound like
too much to you, but
they came from Hawaii.
I like California
What's there not to like
When I'm ripping up
the road On my Harley
Watch out Charlie
Northern California's
like a fairy tale
I'll go back and terrorize it
When I'm out of jail
(audience claps)
- Dennis.
- Yes Patti.
- What do you think of
all these Hollywood stars
living together without
even being married?
- Well, listen.
- Mmhmm.
- It's okay with me if,
you know, if the two guys
like each other.
- A major studio approached
me to do a remake
of Sands of Iwo Jima with
one of those new mod directors.
But I backed out when
he wanted me to have
the three thousand Marines
hit the beach on surfboards.
- Ma, Ma!
- What?
- I was drilling for water,
and look what I got instead,
oil!
- Oh, well just throw
it out and keep drilling.
- Throw it out, tastes
better than water.
- I'd like to visit
Doris Day's house.
- Well, frankly it's not
worth seeing right now.
Well the house is just
swarming with painters,
you know, she's
having it re-freckled.
- Years ago, there
used to be drifters.
Now these people were so filthy
they'd go weeks
without taking a bath
and they wandered all over
the West, but not anymore.
Today they stay
pretty close to the strip
on Sunset Boulevard.
- And now here's Audrey
Hepburn to sing Tiny Bubbles.
(piano music)
When you worship sun and sand
California's great
Lots of healthy bodies here
Muscle beach is full of peaches
I'm another Raquel Welch
So at least I'm told
You can judge the bod yourself
In next month's
centerfold (audience claps)
- Your attention please,
will the 12 hundred patients
who had their noses
fixed by Dr. Lyle Festoon
this past year please
contact his office.
Your face is subject
to a factory recall.
(audience laughs)
- [Man] Will the real
Liberace please stand up?
(goofy music)
- Miss Finsterwald, would
you come in and take a letter
before the office party please?
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
- I'm ready, sir.
- All right, this letter goes to
the Morgul Furniture
Company, Dear Mr. Morgul,
we are not interested
in discussing
any further merger dealings,
where are my cigars?
(audience laughs)
Ah, those Monte Cristos
are worth every penny.
Now, what was I saying?
- Where are my cigars?
- Now, let me think.
Regarding your other
offer... (phone rings)
- I'll get it!
(audience laughs)
Hello, good morning,
Ronald Harris and company,
I'm sorry, but Mr. Harris's
partner is out today.
(audience laughs)
Now then, shall
we finish the letter?
- Never mind the letter,
Maureen, I want you!
(audience laughs)
- Animal!
I quit!
(audience laughs)
I changed my mind.
- Now what did you
want to see me about?
- Well, I'm going into business,
and I'm gonna need a loan.
- All right, now
what sort of business
are you going into?
- I'm gonna start
a loan company.
(audience laughs)
- Orville, see
that bird up there?
(bird chirps)
- Yeah, what about it, Wilbur?
- Well, it just flew up
there to lay its eggs.
- So?
- Well, it makes me
wonder, why can't we do that?
- Why, that's
ridiculous, Wilbur,
why would we wanna lay eggs?
(audience laughs)
- I'm not saying that the
girl my brother married
is a dog, but at the wedding,
the minister said, do you
take this woman to love
and fetch your newspapers?
- I'm not being a loser,
it was my own idea
to come on this Laugh-in show,
but then I also took General
Custer and gave points.
- What if they had a whoopee
and nobody came, whoopee.
- Let me ask you something,
when does this place close?
- Usually a few hours after
the board of health inspectors
been here, the
chewing gum's mine.
- At an orgy, they almost
threw out one guest,
about whom there was
doubt, as he put on his hat,
he said, don't do that,
I'm a Godfrey talent scout.
(audience claps)
- Will you ever learn
to stop when I stop,
when I stop walking,
you stop walking.
Shut up.
- I certainly...
- It's time once again,
it's time once again
for our Whoopee Award.
- And who gets the
righteous rotator tonight?
- Tonight we're gonna give
to the mayor of Cleveland,
Ralph J. Perks.
- Is that so, hmm?
- We're gonna give it to
him for doing something
that no other mayor
has ever done.
- Now you don't mean to tell me
he kept the campaign
promise and lowered taxes.
- No, even wilder than that.
- Oh, wilder.
- What's the silliest thing
you could possibly think of?
- Well, let's see, he
set his hair on fire.
- Right.
- Huh?
- That's right.
- You're kidding.
- He did, at the opening
of the American Society
of Metals convention, the
mayor was gonna cut the ribbon
with an acetylene torch,
set his hair ablaze instead.
- Well, geeze, you think a
simple welcome to Cleveland
woulda done it.
(audience laughs)
A man could get hurt like that.
- Well, all Mayor
Perks ended up with
was a red face, you see,
some bystanders put the fire out
by slapping him on the head.
- Ah, I think they should
have slapped him on the back,
you know, for showing
what perilous predicaments
politicians can get into.
- Say that five times fast.
- Perilous predictions.
- All right, well,
anyway, a thing like this
could spread like wildfire,
and next thing you know,
all the mayors will be doing it.
- Gee whiz, your honor,
we knew you were fired up
about our Cleveland
jokes, but there's no reason
to get hotheaded about it.
- That's right, so here's
a Whoopee Award
for the honorable Ralph
Perks of Cleveland.
- Or as we like to refer to
him, Smokey the Mayor.
(audience laughs)
- What's that?
- Those Indian smoke signals.
They make them by laying
wet blanket over smoldering fire.
- Wow, what's it say?
- It says help, blanket on fire.
- I'm trying to do
a war picture next
with Frankie Avalon
and Annette Funicello
about the landing on D-Day.
We're gonna call it Normandy
Beach Blanket Bingo.
- Arthur, you're an authority
on all things Hawaiian.
You probably know
the meaning behind
all the motions
in the hula dance.
- Well, I do know
that the hula dancer
tells a story with
her hands, you know.
For example, the
traditional greeting is...
And that means come here,
and the traditional answer is this
(audience laughs)
- What does that mean?
- Don't talk with your hands.
- The Internal Revenue
Story, take, take, take, take.
- Everybody needs
whoopee, even baboons.
- How come you're in
such bad shape, kid,
the fight ain't
even started yet.
- It was that cab driver.
- Get him.
- I'm beginning to believe
that I'm a vicious guy.
Last week I got bitten by
a rattlesnake and he died.
(audience laughs)
Give me a break, folks, I'm
a little Jewish cobra. (pants)
- Are Charlie and his
wife still having trouble?
- Yeah, yeah, you know,
they could work it out,
but Charlie refuses
to face anything,
he's always sweeping
his problems under the rug.
- Now what makes you say that?
- Well, see for yourself.
(audience laughs)
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Did I come in here last night
and commit to drink
the entire contents
of a fifth of alcohol?
- You sure did.
- Oh, thank heavens,
I woke up this morning
feeling so bad I
thought I was sick.
- How about a glass of seltzer?
- No thanks, no, I
couldn't stand the noise.
(audience laughs)
- First place I lived
in was so small
that when I turned over in bed,
I knocked open the
glove compartment.
- Dennis, listen, there's
a children's cartoon
called something and Judy,
and I just can't think of
the other person's name,
do you happen
to know what it is?
- Punch.
- What?
- Punch.
- Got it.
- What comes with the chili?
- How 'bout an undertaker?
Or last rites?
Three courses of high holies.
- What'd you do before
you became a bum?
- Well, you know those people
who walk around up in space?
- Yeah.
- I was one of them, but it
was too hard, I had to quit.
- What's so hard about that?
- (Laughs) You ever try
hitchhiking to the moon?
- After making so many Westerns,
it took me a while to get
used to being in a war movie.
At first every time
my Jeep had a flat tire,
I'd get out and shoot it.
- Holmes, I've found a
perfect set of fingerprints
right over there on the table.
- Aha!
(laughs) On this gun?
- No, you ninny, on the pencil.
- I'll tell you one
thing, I personally,
you've been around the
show a couple of days now,
I can't stand this pressure,
I'm working too hard.
- You sure are,
you know, I mean,
laying in bed all night with
the pillow over your head
saying to your wife, I do
love you if I could see you.
Have you seen his wife?
- Yes I have.
- Hangs around downtown
LA going psst, taxi.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, wouldn't
you like to hear
how my big mouth got
me in trouble last night?
- No.
- Well, if you insist,
see I had this date
with a couple of Siamese twins.
- And what'd you say
to these Siamese twins
that got you into such trouble?
- Well, I said, boy, you
girls are really put together.
(audience laughs)
- Boo, boo, here's something
else that's really put together
next week's show,
take a look there.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- Our guests are
Bridget and Bernie,
that's right, Meredith
Baxter and David Birney.
(goofy music)
And our cameos are Rick
Taylor and Slappy White
and Jo Anne Worley.
- But no chicken jokes!
- Now will you say
goodnight, Dick?
- I thought you'd never
ask, goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience claps)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick, whoopee!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
- I'll goodnight Dick you!
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick, you
crazy pussycat, you.
Hurry up you guys
and eat your food.
- Goodnight Dick, take one.
- Like, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(kazoo music)
(woman laughs)
why am I facing him
like you're not here?
- No, that's all right.
- Oh, I'm in the middle, right.
- Here we are,
the Ritz brothers.
- If our shoes show
up, we'll dance for you.
You know, after doing
Laugh-In, I always feel
so lighthearted and happy.
- Because you enjoy
working with talented people.
- No.
- Because you enjoy
entertaining people.
- No.
- Well, then why do you
feel lighthearted and happy
after working on Laugh-In?
- Because as soon as it's over,
I get bombed outta my kook.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, pardon me sir,
do you have something
for lounging around the house?
- Yes, I got a brother
in law named Dave
who's great for lounging
around the house,
not to mention my sister in law.
- Your sister in law?
- I told you not
to mention that.
- Hello, my name
is Jay Paul Heddy,
I'm been investing
with EF Glutton for years
and I just want to
say that they've really
done a lot for me, you might say
I owe them everything.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
- Harry, Harry?
- Yes.
- What does it say?
- It says big sale going on at
Joe's Window Repair Shop.
(audience laughs)
- I regret that I have
but one whoopee
to give for my country, whoopee.
- Oh, hi, hon,
what'll it be today?
- Oh, just a quick rinse please.
- Oh, certainly, you got it.
- You show me a cowboy
that goes jingle jangle jingle,
and I'll show you a cowboy
that rides sidesaddle saddle...
- I kid you, John
Wayne's a great start,
told me that last night, I
said, John, how do you feel,
and he went (imitates horse)
(audience laughs)
- I spent five years
in McHale's navy
and here I am on Laugh-In
getting torpedoed again.
- Okay, sister, move it.
(kazoo music)
Will you marry me?
- Hey, what day is it today?
- It's Tuesday, why?
- 'Cause on Wednesday
I have to inhale again.
- In, out, in, out.
- I'm black, but
my name is white,
so you folks that
call SS are in trouble.
- The Invisible
Man story, take one.
(clapboard claps)
(audience laughs)
- Waiter, there's something
wrong with my buns.
- Don't worry about
it, nobody's perfect.
(audience laughs)
Though you're
abusing the privilege.
- Oh, look here, Watson, the
murderer left his fingerprints
all over this table.
- Oh, unsanitary devil,
by Jove, that is better.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I'm sorry, I
was a little late, fellas.
- Well, what happened?
- Oh, I was billing
the banana sale.
- Oh, what's the
banana sale for?
- About 59 cents a bunch.
- This is your captain speaking.
It's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starting Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
with cameo guests,
Ernest Borgnine,
Arthur Godfrey, Don
Rickles, John Wayne,
and Slappy White, plus
Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Patti
Deutsch, Jud Strunk,
Donna Jean Young, Lisa Maringer,
and this is Gary Owens
aboard Burbank's flagship
saying there's no reason
for your not smoking,
after all, the engines are!
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
(audience claps)
- I can't believe...
- Well, it certainly
was well deserved.
(men laugh)
Thank you very much, good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
- And incidentally, I have
found a way to improve our act.
- Oh good, you're gonna do
your half out in the parking lot.
(audience laughs)
Huh?
- I am going to
do impersonations.
- Oh, stop it, everybody
does impersonations.
- Of James Cagney in a swamp?
- Well, this I've got to see.
- All right, James
Cagney in a swamp.
All right, you guys.
(audience laughs)
That pretty good?
- You really do a
great mosquito, that's it.
Well, tonight, ladies
and gentlemen...
- Wait a minute,
I'm not through yet.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- Do you wanna see my
impression of Humphrey Bogart
in Mexico?
- Well...
- Fishing off la playa?
- Fishing off la playa?
- At four in the afternoon?
- Uh-Huh.
- In 86 degree weather?
- 86 degree weather.
- Using a blue spinning wheel?
- Wearing a blue spinning reel.
- Well, whatever, it's his reel,
he can use it if he wants to.
Not wearing a hat.
- Does he have
a nail in his shoe?
- Yes.
And he walks with a limp.
- You've seen this.
- No, I haven't
either, all right.
- All right, I'll give
it to you all again.
- No you don't have to.
- Humphrey Bogart in Mexico.
- Will you just go
ahead and do it?
- All right.
All right, you guys.
(audience laughs)
- Wait, wait a minute,
don't encourage him,
that's the worst
impression I've ever seen.
It was no different
than your Cagney,
and what did you have to
swat the mosquito again for?
- Well, Bogart was
fishing in the waters
very near the swamp
where Cagney was in.
(audience laughs)
And now ladies and
gentlemen, Gary Cooper,
rolling a cigarette...
- In a swamp.
- No, not in a swamp.
- Not in a swamp.
- Rolling a cigarette
in a windstorm
riding a bucking
bronco, this is...
- Riding a...
- Riding a bucking bronco,
rolling a cigarette.
- This is not gonna be
swatting the mosquito?
- No, no, no, that
would be much too much
of a coincidence, coinkydink.
(audience laughs)
Now, all right, here
it goes, behind my,
I'm gonna do this right here.
- You're rolling the cigarette
- So no one'll see it.
- In the wind.
- Right.
- And it's got a bucking bronco.
- And it's Gary Cooper, Coop
as we called him, here we go.
Well, I was gonna give
up smoking anyway.
(audience laughs)
You don't understand
that thing, you didn't think
I'd work that mosquito
in, there, right!
(audience laughs)
I scared you, didn't I?
- Yeah, you did.
- I didn't do Cooper.
- No you didn't.
- Watch this.
I think I got him.
- You do any women?
- I beg your pardon?
See you bring one
out and I'll show you.
How 'bout the girl from
that painting sketch?
- Can you impersonate a woman?
- Well certainly, certainly,
here's Raquel Welch
looking at her new shoes.
(audience laughs)
- Are you through?
- Not until I do Jolson.
- Al Jolson?
- Well, who do you
think, Sid Jolson?
Of course Al Jolson.
- Al Jolson.
- He was the greatest
showman that ever lived.
- That may be true.
- He was Mr. Show
Business, when he walked out
on that stage, you
could hear a pin drop,
and he'd yell for
the lights to come up,
and he'd walk down that runway
and then he'd captivate
audiences all over the world
with his singing, he
brought joy to kings, queens,
jacks or better, with
his darkened face
and his white gloves, he
dropped down on one knee
and only as Al Jolson
could do it, he'd say,
say the secret word
and George Fenneman
will kiss you on the lips.
- Wait a minute, that's not
Jolson, that's Groucho Marx.
- Groucho Marx,
can you imagine that,
stealing Al Jolson's act,
why he oughta be ashamed
of himself, that's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.
(audience claps)
- Laura, where did you put the
combination to the new safe?
- Harry, I put it where
no one will ever steal it.
- Good.
- In the new safe!
(audience laughs)
- And now here's
Kate Miss to sing
When the Moon Comes
over my whoopee.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, dad, I got some good news
and I got some bad news for you.
First of all, I am leaving home
and I am never
coming back again.
- What's the bad news?
(audience laughs)
- Officer Coldwell checking in.
- [Man] We're fixing
breakfast in the police kitchen,
how do you like your eggs, over.
- Over, thank you.
- Anyone who thinks
all blacks look alike
hasn't seen Moms Mabley
standing next to Diana Ross.
- Being in 200 cowboy pictures
has its drawbacks, you know.
I've ridden into the
sunset so many times
the one end of my
horse is peeling.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, Golda Meir
please, hello, Golda,
Golda, listen, it's your
mama, what's new?
Henry Kissinger
promised you support?
Golda, marry him, marry him, oh,
military support, listen,
I don't know, Golda,
I mean, if you accept
his phantom jets,
what will he expect from you?
Golda, I raised you
to be a decent girl,
bases in Israel,
I'll go along with,
but without a wedding
ring, nothing else,
look, Golda, come home,
I'll find you a nice Jewish boy.
You what, you got a whole
army of nice Jewish boys?
Golda, stay right where you are,
I'll be there in the morning
with your cousin Gelda,
her sister Rose,
maybe Minna Weinstein,
maybe Belle Harkovitz,
we'll all be there
singing and dancing, bye bye.
(goofy music)
- Don't put that in your mouth.
How do you know it hasn't
been smoked by some bum?
- A few more like that,
and I think we'll have to
put the jokes in a circle
and fight for our lives.
- Hey waiter.
- Just a second, you old bag.
Harry, I think 12 minutes
is more than enough
for those three minute eggs.
- Hero's crimestopper
hint number 65.
If you own a myna bird,
do not teach him to say
foul or obscene words
because if an officer of the law
should overhear him
swearing, you could be arrested
and charged with
contributing to the delinquency
of a myna bird.
- Do you believe I
can cure you by faith?
- Yes, I do!
- Oh, you're a bad-looking lady.
In that case, can I interest
you in some custom jewelry?
Go take a hike with
the fella over here
in the trick or
treat Zumba outfit.
- Hey, Arthur, you've
been in the business
from the beginning, huh?
- What would you say,
Arthur, is the difference
between radio and television?
- Mmm, about 12 grand a week.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
- By Jove, I think
I've got it, Mr. Holmes.
- How's that, Watson?
- If I am not mistaken,
the tea was poisoned.
- By Jove, I think you,
oh dear, you've got it.
- Elementary, my dear
Holmes, elementary.
- I'm sorry I agreed
to appear on this show.
Like every good cowboy I
wanna die with my boots on,
but not in front of
20 million people.
(audience laughs)
- Leaving for work
now, dear, late,
oh, wait, give me a kiss,
quick, come on, come on.
Bye bye!
- Bye, darling.
(door slams)
Thank goodness, I
thought he'd never leave.
Now I've gotta change
quickly for the milkman.
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
- Ah, a vision!
- Oh, my darling Bob, I've
been longing to see you, oh!
(doorbell rings)
Oh my gosh.
- What's that?
- Oh, it must be the mailman,
you wait right here for me.
- I'll wait here for you.
- Honey, honey, I
forgot my briefcase.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
I forgot, okay, just a
minute, I'll be with you.
- Oh, there it is, hey,
huh, oh, well, I'm off again,
bye bye.
- Bye bye.
(door slams)
(goofy music)
- Oh!
- Oh, my darling!
(doorbell rings)
My dear!
- What's that?
- I don't know
who that could be.
- I'll wait here, you go
see, go see who it is.
Maybe it's your hairdresser.
(goofy music)
- I forgot my car keys!
Honey, are you home?
Oh, I bet they're over
there with the, what the?
- Hi.
- Get that door fixed, jeeze.
- I'm sorry.
- That's fine, dear, bye.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
- Oh, my darling!
- Don't darling me if you
aren't serious, I'm leaving, bye.
- Oh!
- You know what, I forgot to
kiss you goodbye, come here.
What are you doing
dressed like that?
- Well, it was sort of a surprise,
I wanted to dress for you
when you came home
from work tonight.
- Sweetheart, I had no
idea you felt that way.
You know what I'm gonna do,
you know what I'm gonna do?
- What, what are you gonna do?
- Stay home from work, okay?
- Oh.
- Okay, big hug,
come on, big hug.
- Honey, I'm sorry I
acted that way, oh,
I've been gone five
minutes, and already
you've got another
boyfriend, aha!
(milk bottles shatter)
(audience laughs)
Let her explain
that to her husband.
(audience claps)
(sexy music)
You wanna see a
scene that's picturesque
Then spend a moment
at the old burlesque
All the paying customers
would lose their minds
When the ladies started
on their bumps and grinds
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to give your views
La da de da Ladies and gents
Ladies and gents
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In tells of the news
With Dick and Dan
(audience claps)
- [Announcer] And now
it's time for the news
with Arnold Palmer on the left,
George Pinney in a huff,
Burt Reynolds in the buff,
and Audrey Hepburn, not enough,
and here with the
news, Diamond Dick.
- But first these
news headlines.
- Amnesia victim
calls loss of memory
unforgettable experience.
- Dr. Spock elected to Congress,
gets rid of gas lobby
by burping Oklahoma.
- Seven dwarfs
come to Hollywood,
look up Mickey Rooney.
- And here's Dick
with present news.
- Thank you,
increasing grain prices
are forcing cattle
ranchers to cut costs
by using new cattle
field made of seaweed
and pulverized fish,
after several months
of using this mixture,
one Texas ranch owner
lost his prize longhorns
when suddenly
they swam up the
Rio Grande to spawn.
- [Dick] You like that one, huh?
- News of the present,
dateline Lo gangle ness.
- [Dick] Los Angeles.
- Los Angeles, the fight for...
- [Dick] City of the angels.
- City of the angels is a
good name for the kids.
- And you know our mayor.
- Ah, mayor, sure, but the
other horses didn't come in.
News of the present,
dateline Los Angeles,
the fight for population
control took a giant leap forward
today when a remarkable
new type of birth control pill
was introduced, when
asked how the pill worked,
the spokesman for
the manufacturer said,
(laughs) was that close, the
spokesman for the manufacturer
said, it's quite
simple, for 24 hours
immediately after
taking the pill,
it makes any woman look
just like Anthony Quinn.
(audience laughs)
See, Anthony Quinn is not...
- I understand it, well,
what about an introduction?
- All right, certainly,
how do you do, I'm Dan.
- Not like that.
- Oh, then you
wanna know yourself.
- All right, I'll do the
news of the future
without an introduction.
- [Dan] Well, do the
news of the future.
- I always introduce
you for the present news.
- All right, here's Dune,
what's your name?
- Never mind, I'll do it
without an introduction.
20 years from now, here's
the future, dateline Washington.
Evidence of continued
bugging of the Democrats
by the Republicans
became apparent today
when the Republicans
denied latest charges
a full half hour before
the Democrats made them.
- And now for the foreign news,
first our reporter in the
bush country of Australia.
- We're here in the
bush country of Australia,
where due to a
serious meat shortage,
open season for hunting
kangaroo has been declared.
Is it difficult to track
down kangaroos?
- Oh, now of course
you're asking me
is it difficult to track
down kangaroos?
Now, you see,
kangaroos are very lonely,
so all you do is sneak up and
leave your name and address
in their pockets.
- Thank you for talking to us.
- Righto, governor.
- And now to our man
in Africa to talk about
the number one need
on the dark continent.
- [Man] Flashlights, that's
what we need, flashlights.
- Special on the spot look
at the China Russia border.
- (Russian accent) Why
is your country called
People's Republic of China?
- Oh, there are eight
hundred million people here,
what should we call it, the
Penguin's Republic of China?
Crazy round guy,
fall off your rickshaw?
You need a vacation.
- This is my vacation!
- Not to mention arrest.
- I told you not
to mention arrest.
- Now Heavy Helen's
gonna lay something on you.
- Hey, what do you
say, group, I mean, like,
this is Heavy Helen coming
on with the freaky news.
Let me lay this one on you.
Last night, a bunch of
us, like, felt like surfing,
so, like, we got on our
boards and, like, we hung 10
for about, like, an hour,
then the fuzz showed up
and shut off the hydrants,
made us feel real low, man,
so we went back
to rolling the winos.
- And now the news
goes to Hades with Dennis.
- Hell's bells!
Here's the news,
well, folks, last week
we had a big party to honor
the biggest world leaders
we have down here, now
after a wonderful dinner,
we toasted Nero and Napoleon,
that was all we had time for,
you know, I think we're
just gonna have to get
that toaster fixed, eh, see?
- And for all you
guys in the mob,
here's a report
from the Godmother.
- Alice Capone here
with the syndicate news.
Today a man was picked
up while carrying a suspicious
looking violin case into a
union labor leader's office,
however, he was
quickly released,
when to the amazement
of police officers,
he was able to play a Beethoven
etude on a sawed off shotgun
- Here with a
special showbiz item
is famous Hollywood
columnist, Sheila Graham.
- Steve McQueen
and Dustin Hoffman
will receive three
million dollars
for their forthcoming
movie, Papillon,
the story of the only man to
escape from Devil's Island.
These gigantic salaries
have so depleted the budget
that the movie can't
afford to go on location,
therefore, Devil's
Island will be played by
William Conrad floating nude
in a Hollywood swimming pool
with a palm tree in his navel.
Ladies and gents
Laugh it up to the news
(jazzy music)
(audience applauds)
- When I was a kid, all
the kids in my neighborhood
would play hide
and seek at night.
The only trouble was
that nobody could find us
until morning.
- Mr. Godfrey, everybody in
my hometown of Farmington,
Maine, is finally
getting indoor plumbing.
- (Laughs) I guess
it's really true, then,
that as Maine goes,
so goes the nation.
(audience laughs)
- How do I love thee, let
me count the whoopees.
Whoopee!
- The only difference
between being in Laugh-In
and being tortured
by hostile Indians
is that with the Indians,
you only die once,
but here, it's over
and over and over.
- My brother in law has
a hobby, he collects dust,
that wasn't bad.
(audience laughs)
- Aha!
- What do you want with
an old cigarette wrapper?
- I'm saving the coupon, how
do you think I got this suit?
- I think I can prove that
death was accidental,
Mr. Holmes.
- How's that, Watson?
- Well, Lady Thomas
was standing right here,
and Lord, here, and
Lord Thomas was standing
just about where I am,
he heard the phone ring.
(phone rings)
Hello, Mr. Holmes, it's for you.
(goofy music)
- If you wanna be a
bigtime cowboy star,
there are three things
that you have to remember.
Always keep your gun
loaded, always feed your horse,
and never let a porcupine
get in your chaps.
- Show me a man who is
kind and gentle and loving
and I'll sell him a dress.
Dancing through
the fairy godfathers
- One thing everybody
knows about me
is that I won't do a commercial
unless I believe in it 100%.
I'll tell you more
about that in a moment
after a word from
the Easter bunny.
(goofy music)
- They've been
married 12 years...
- I don't like to butt
in, but there's no soap
in my dressing room.
- Oh, good, you won't
need the towel then.
- They're married for 12
years and have 12 kids.
- Say, I'm from the
Burbank Asylum.
- You're also in front of
my camera, there you go.
- And I'm looking for
an escaped patient,
he's wearing a white coat and
dark glasses, you seen him?
- Well, you're
wearing a white coat.
- And dark glasses.
- I am?
- Yeah.
- Say, you, come along with me.
(audience laughs)
- A Nobel prizewinner
if ever I've seen one.
How would you like to buy
a gold mine for 20 dollars?
- Oh, I'd love that,
how can you afford
to sell a gold
mine for 20 dollars?
- It's the last one I have left,
and I wanna get home early.
- That's the guy you
know from the parking lot.
- I finally found some soap,
but now I don't have a towel.
- Oh, well you won't
need the soap, then.
All right, so after they're
married for 12 years...
- I just signed a
million dollar contract
with the Flamingo
Hotel in Las Vegas,
but I got to do a
lot of work for it,
it's averaged out to
about a dollar a window.
(funky music)
- I'm flying back home
to Farmington, Maine.
- [Man] Is that right?
- Yeah, why, there's a fella
that crossed a
goat with a sheep.
- [Man] What'd he get?
- Now he has an
animal that eats tin cans
and gives steel wool.
(audience laughs)
(funky music)
- Hey Dan, you know
what, a friend of mine
flew into New York airport
and had no trouble at all
catching a cab.
- Well, how'd he do it?
- Well, he stepped off the curb
and caught it in the
left shoulder. (laughs)
(funky music)
- Hey, Mary, boy, isn't it
fun traveling with intellectuals
and high class people, eh?
- Oh, yeah, don't you wish
they'd throw these bums out
and invite some?
(funky music)
- It's hard to figure out
exactly who's responsible
for the inflationary
state of the economy.
Everybody in Washington
keeps passing the buck and a half.
(funky music)
- The man who said what's
good for General Motors
is good for the country
never tried to breathe
near the freeway.
(audience laughs)
(funky music)
- I know a guy who
hitchhikes so much,
Ralph Nader just
recalled his thumb.
- I'll drink to that.
- Oh, me too.
(funky music)
- Hey, Lis, would you like to
take a memory course with me?
- What do you mean?
- Well, you come up to my place
and I'll show you an
evening you'll never forget.
- Whoopee.
(funky music)
- I understand next
month's Popular Mechanics
is going to have a new
centerfold of George Meany
holding a monkey wrench.
(funky music)
(audience applauds)
- It's time again for
Debunking the Myth.
You know the old saying
that toads cause warts?
Well, I say bunk, toads cause
pimples, bunnies cause warts.
- All right, watch it, Buster.
- The vile rumor persists
that I always have
a glass of Scotch
with my breakfast.
That is a foul slander, I
never ate breakfast in my life.
- Don't fire until you see
the whites of their whoopees.
- When's dinner?
- October 27th.
- The Mark Spitz
Story, take one.
- All right, have you
got all the ingredients
for the batter in the bowl.
- Yes, I have.
- Okay, now beat it.
- Okay, see you later.
- Johnson, at last
I've caught you.
So you're the spy for our
competition, Needleman Enterprises
selling secrets,
betraying our trusts,
have you no honesty,
have you no decency?
- Well, how you'd
know I'd be here?
- From our spy at
Needleman Industry.
- Why don't you
get up and get a job?
- What, and lose my spot?
- I know Dick Martin personally,
saw him on the corner
yesterday going, I'm Dick Martin.
I gave him a cookie, and
he did a trick into his ear.
- Do you have spring lamb?
- No, but I can give
you a pork chop
that's been here
since last summer.
(audience laughs)
- Fire!
I think I'm hurt bad, Dan.
- When did it happen,
during the last attack?
- No, just now when I went fire!
- When I was kid, we
were so poor in the ghetto
that the parents of the
poor starving kids in Europe
used to tell them about
us to make them feel better.
- You know, Arthur, I
think everybody in the world
knows that you're a
pilot, you do a lot of flying,
but I don't think
everyone knows the story
behind that time you
got in a little trouble
with the authorities,
what happened?
- Well, it was nothing
really, nothing,
I was flying around in the 747.
- So what's wrong with that?
- Nothing except in a 747
you're not allowed to fly around.
(audience laughs)
- What do you do?
- You have to sit in your
seat like the other passengers.
- Oh.
- All we found at the
scene of the crime
was this cape and this needle.
- Oh, wait a minute,
Watson, I've got it!
Here, suppose, you see,
the needle is poisoned
and inserted, you see, right
here in the back of the cape
unbeknownst to Lord Carver.
- Heavens!
- Then the killer sneaked
up behind the poor devil,
in a crowd, you see, shoved
against him thus, you see,
inserting the needle
with the deadly poison.
- Old chap, I
think you've got it!
(audience laughs)
- My son has seen me
play cowboy parts so much
that he keeps asking me what
I want to be when I grow up.
- In our salute tonight, we
are paying special tribute
to sunny California, and
there are a great many things
about this beautiful
part of the country
that we're gonna talk
about, and I'm afraid
here comes one of 'em now.
(man mumbles)
How are you, Dan?
(man mumbles)
Good to see you?
(man mumbles)
- Whoo, whoo, I
almost couldn't get it out,
I almost blanked out.
- Well, how could you tell?
(audience laughs)
Why are you walking around
with a tube stuck in your mouth?
- Well, I may be
wrong, but I think
that's where you're
supposed to stick it.
- Moving right along.
(audience laughs)
- Actually, this is
part of the equipment
of my new business venture.
- Your new business venture?
- Yes, deep, no, actually,
I'm gonna rename it.
- Well good.
- Paul just lost 20 dollars,
it's Dick's Deep Sea
Incorporated.
- You wanna try it again?
- Dip's deek sea?
How about Rubber Buggy Bumpers?
- Your new venture is called...
- Dick's Deep Six Incorporated.
- It is difficult to say.
- It's not as hard as
rubber buggy bumpers.
- No, no, can you elucidate?
- Well, that's kind
of the problem,
you have to unzip
all these things...
- No, I mean, could
you tell me more about
this business of
yours, what do you do?
- Well, I'm a skin diver.
- Well, it figures that you're,
I mean, what do you
do with your company?
- I dive, that's why
I wear this outfit.
- I'm trying to find out
what do you dive for.
- Sunken treasure.
- Where do you find any
sunken treasure around here?
- Aha!
- Aha!
- In 1588, the Spanish
Armada sunk right off the coast
of Santa Monica.
- No, wait a minute,
the Spanish Armada
never sailed in those waters.
- That's what I said, they
didn't sail at all, it sunk
right in those waters,
whoops, right to the bottom.
- Do you know what kind
of cargo they were carrying?
- Doubloons.
- Doubloons, I suppose
you know what a doubloon is.
- You ready for this?
(audience laughs)
A doubloon is the thing the
kids blow up at the circus.
(Dan groans)
There goes my doubloon! (laughs)
- There goes your, all right,
now that you're in this outfit
I suppose you should
know something about it.
- That's true.
- Deep Six Incorporated, yes.
- Deep Six.
- Have you ever suffered
from nitrogen narcosis?
- No, I use a good
mouth spray myself.
- No, I mean, how do
you avoid the bends?
- The bends, aha, those
can easily be avoided.
- Be happy to hear how.
- Let's assume
you have the bends.
- No, let's assume you
wanna prevent the bends.
- Aha, the way to prevent them
is to stand up straight,
no more bends!
You're lucky I came out to
answer all these dumb questions.
- I guess I am.
- Did you know, for instance,
that they are gardening
at the bottom of the ocean?
- Yes, I did know that,
they call it hydroponics.
- Well, why did you ask
me out with all these silly
questions if you already
know all the answers?
- I don't know the
answer to that question.
- Well, I don't know the
question either. (laughs)
Thank you, you know that I
can see it all happening now.
- What'd you thank me for?
- I don't know, I just
thought I'd throw it in.
I may not see
you after this bit.
(audience laughs)
- I'll guarantee you
won't see me after this bit.
- I'm looking for Lloyd
Bridges, look at this.
The day will come.
- What day?
- You can see this day coming.
- That's not just a certain day,
it's a historic day,
the day will come
when man will be able to
walk from New York to London
underwater.
- Well, why in the world would
someone want to walk across
the Atlantic Ocean?
- To get to the other side.
- (Groans) Wait a minute.
- To keep his pants up.
- I'm gonna...
- It's one or the other.
- I'm gonna just
keep going ahead,
how did you get
interested in oceanography?
- Well, it was from
my uncle, Willy Martin.
The well-known frogman.
- No kidding, frogman,
was he in the Navy?
- No, he's in a special home
in Denver going (imitates frog)
(audience laughs)
- Well, we're gonna go right
into our salute to California.
- Okay, well, I must be off.
(audience laughs)
(piano music)
California's home to
me I'm a movie star
It's a better place to work
Than say Rome or Oklahom-ar
But I'm never here though
I'm in Spain instead, ole
California's looking good
But Hollywood is dead
- You know, my great
granddad started out
from California from
Philadelphia in a covered wagon
in 1849, I'm getting
a little worried
'cause he should be here by now.
(audience laughs)
- Is the coast clear?
- Used to be, then they
started offshore drilling.
- In my days, the
hero of a cowboy movie
didn't kiss the girl because
he was too much of a man.
Nowadays he still
doesn't kiss the girl
but for an entirely
different reason.
- Get your maps
to the stars' homes,
can't find the stars'
homes without a map?
- How's business?
- Fine, just sold a map
to Dean Martin's home.
- Okay, and
who'd you sell it to?
- Dean Martin.
(piano music)
California's pretty good
It's got groovy surf
When I'm out there hanging 10
Watch this old dad
Really go dad When
a big one wipes me out
Things look pretty grim
But I'll catch that perfect wave
The day I learn to
swim (audience claps)
- In California, it
used to take nine days
to deliver the mail from
San Diego to San Francisco.
But now with the
modern postal system,
a letter can make the same
trip in just under a week.
- Ooh, you mean this is a
genuine Navajo blanket, huh?
- Yes, it was originally woven
by old Navajo woman in
1874 and I can let you have it
for just 85 dollars.
- Ooh, will it keep
me nice and warm?
- It sure will, you
see, just plug this cord.
- I see.
- Actually, you don't
plug that into the wall.
- What do you...
- You plug the
cord into the wall,
this must be a second blanket.
Now here's one you wind up.
- This is the California
border patrol.
Do you have any
fruits to declare?
- Percy, this darling gentleman
wants a word with you.
(audience laughs)
- A lot of young
people write to me
asking if they should
come to Hollywood
to become movie
stars, well, it sure beats
going to Dayton, Ohio.
(piano music)
When you're in the burger game
California's great I
do all my work outside
In this thriving local drive-in
You can order chocolate malts
Fries with mayonnaise
You can hold my menus tight
But never touch my
trays (audience claps)
- This is one of the finest
homes in San Clementi.
- Well, we are interested
in buying this house.
- Well, may I ask what
line of work you're in?
- I am the President.
- Oh, well, I'm afraid not then,
I mean, in order
to make the loan,
you have to have a steady job.
- Where's Johnny Carson's house?
- That's Johnny Carson's
house right there.
- How can you tell?
- Well, you can see Joey
Bishop looking out of the window.
- My great grandparents
arrived in Los Angeles
in 1862 in a covered wagon,
well, that may not sound like
too much to you, but
they came from Hawaii.
I like California
What's there not to like
When I'm ripping up
the road On my Harley
Watch out Charlie
Northern California's
like a fairy tale
I'll go back and terrorize it
When I'm out of jail
(audience claps)
- Dennis.
- Yes Patti.
- What do you think of
all these Hollywood stars
living together without
even being married?
- Well, listen.
- Mmhmm.
- It's okay with me if,
you know, if the two guys
like each other.
- A major studio approached
me to do a remake
of Sands of Iwo Jima with
one of those new mod directors.
But I backed out when
he wanted me to have
the three thousand Marines
hit the beach on surfboards.
- Ma, Ma!
- What?
- I was drilling for water,
and look what I got instead,
oil!
- Oh, well just throw
it out and keep drilling.
- Throw it out, tastes
better than water.
- I'd like to visit
Doris Day's house.
- Well, frankly it's not
worth seeing right now.
Well the house is just
swarming with painters,
you know, she's
having it re-freckled.
- Years ago, there
used to be drifters.
Now these people were so filthy
they'd go weeks
without taking a bath
and they wandered all over
the West, but not anymore.
Today they stay
pretty close to the strip
on Sunset Boulevard.
- And now here's Audrey
Hepburn to sing Tiny Bubbles.
(piano music)
When you worship sun and sand
California's great
Lots of healthy bodies here
Muscle beach is full of peaches
I'm another Raquel Welch
So at least I'm told
You can judge the bod yourself
In next month's
centerfold (audience claps)
- Your attention please,
will the 12 hundred patients
who had their noses
fixed by Dr. Lyle Festoon
this past year please
contact his office.
Your face is subject
to a factory recall.
(audience laughs)
- [Man] Will the real
Liberace please stand up?
(goofy music)
- Miss Finsterwald, would
you come in and take a letter
before the office party please?
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
- I'm ready, sir.
- All right, this letter goes to
the Morgul Furniture
Company, Dear Mr. Morgul,
we are not interested
in discussing
any further merger dealings,
where are my cigars?
(audience laughs)
Ah, those Monte Cristos
are worth every penny.
Now, what was I saying?
- Where are my cigars?
- Now, let me think.
Regarding your other
offer... (phone rings)
- I'll get it!
(audience laughs)
Hello, good morning,
Ronald Harris and company,
I'm sorry, but Mr. Harris's
partner is out today.
(audience laughs)
Now then, shall
we finish the letter?
- Never mind the letter,
Maureen, I want you!
(audience laughs)
- Animal!
I quit!
(audience laughs)
I changed my mind.
- Now what did you
want to see me about?
- Well, I'm going into business,
and I'm gonna need a loan.
- All right, now
what sort of business
are you going into?
- I'm gonna start
a loan company.
(audience laughs)
- Orville, see
that bird up there?
(bird chirps)
- Yeah, what about it, Wilbur?
- Well, it just flew up
there to lay its eggs.
- So?
- Well, it makes me
wonder, why can't we do that?
- Why, that's
ridiculous, Wilbur,
why would we wanna lay eggs?
(audience laughs)
- I'm not saying that the
girl my brother married
is a dog, but at the wedding,
the minister said, do you
take this woman to love
and fetch your newspapers?
- I'm not being a loser,
it was my own idea
to come on this Laugh-in show,
but then I also took General
Custer and gave points.
- What if they had a whoopee
and nobody came, whoopee.
- Let me ask you something,
when does this place close?
- Usually a few hours after
the board of health inspectors
been here, the
chewing gum's mine.
- At an orgy, they almost
threw out one guest,
about whom there was
doubt, as he put on his hat,
he said, don't do that,
I'm a Godfrey talent scout.
(audience claps)
- Will you ever learn
to stop when I stop,
when I stop walking,
you stop walking.
Shut up.
- I certainly...
- It's time once again,
it's time once again
for our Whoopee Award.
- And who gets the
righteous rotator tonight?
- Tonight we're gonna give
to the mayor of Cleveland,
Ralph J. Perks.
- Is that so, hmm?
- We're gonna give it to
him for doing something
that no other mayor
has ever done.
- Now you don't mean to tell me
he kept the campaign
promise and lowered taxes.
- No, even wilder than that.
- Oh, wilder.
- What's the silliest thing
you could possibly think of?
- Well, let's see, he
set his hair on fire.
- Right.
- Huh?
- That's right.
- You're kidding.
- He did, at the opening
of the American Society
of Metals convention, the
mayor was gonna cut the ribbon
with an acetylene torch,
set his hair ablaze instead.
- Well, geeze, you think a
simple welcome to Cleveland
woulda done it.
(audience laughs)
A man could get hurt like that.
- Well, all Mayor
Perks ended up with
was a red face, you see,
some bystanders put the fire out
by slapping him on the head.
- Ah, I think they should
have slapped him on the back,
you know, for showing
what perilous predicaments
politicians can get into.
- Say that five times fast.
- Perilous predictions.
- All right, well,
anyway, a thing like this
could spread like wildfire,
and next thing you know,
all the mayors will be doing it.
- Gee whiz, your honor,
we knew you were fired up
about our Cleveland
jokes, but there's no reason
to get hotheaded about it.
- That's right, so here's
a Whoopee Award
for the honorable Ralph
Perks of Cleveland.
- Or as we like to refer to
him, Smokey the Mayor.
(audience laughs)
- What's that?
- Those Indian smoke signals.
They make them by laying
wet blanket over smoldering fire.
- Wow, what's it say?
- It says help, blanket on fire.
- I'm trying to do
a war picture next
with Frankie Avalon
and Annette Funicello
about the landing on D-Day.
We're gonna call it Normandy
Beach Blanket Bingo.
- Arthur, you're an authority
on all things Hawaiian.
You probably know
the meaning behind
all the motions
in the hula dance.
- Well, I do know
that the hula dancer
tells a story with
her hands, you know.
For example, the
traditional greeting is...
And that means come here,
and the traditional answer is this
(audience laughs)
- What does that mean?
- Don't talk with your hands.
- The Internal Revenue
Story, take, take, take, take.
- Everybody needs
whoopee, even baboons.
- How come you're in
such bad shape, kid,
the fight ain't
even started yet.
- It was that cab driver.
- Get him.
- I'm beginning to believe
that I'm a vicious guy.
Last week I got bitten by
a rattlesnake and he died.
(audience laughs)
Give me a break, folks, I'm
a little Jewish cobra. (pants)
- Are Charlie and his
wife still having trouble?
- Yeah, yeah, you know,
they could work it out,
but Charlie refuses
to face anything,
he's always sweeping
his problems under the rug.
- Now what makes you say that?
- Well, see for yourself.
(audience laughs)
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Did I come in here last night
and commit to drink
the entire contents
of a fifth of alcohol?
- You sure did.
- Oh, thank heavens,
I woke up this morning
feeling so bad I
thought I was sick.
- How about a glass of seltzer?
- No thanks, no, I
couldn't stand the noise.
(audience laughs)
- First place I lived
in was so small
that when I turned over in bed,
I knocked open the
glove compartment.
- Dennis, listen, there's
a children's cartoon
called something and Judy,
and I just can't think of
the other person's name,
do you happen
to know what it is?
- Punch.
- What?
- Punch.
- Got it.
- What comes with the chili?
- How 'bout an undertaker?
Or last rites?
Three courses of high holies.
- What'd you do before
you became a bum?
- Well, you know those people
who walk around up in space?
- Yeah.
- I was one of them, but it
was too hard, I had to quit.
- What's so hard about that?
- (Laughs) You ever try
hitchhiking to the moon?
- After making so many Westerns,
it took me a while to get
used to being in a war movie.
At first every time
my Jeep had a flat tire,
I'd get out and shoot it.
- Holmes, I've found a
perfect set of fingerprints
right over there on the table.
- Aha!
(laughs) On this gun?
- No, you ninny, on the pencil.
- I'll tell you one
thing, I personally,
you've been around the
show a couple of days now,
I can't stand this pressure,
I'm working too hard.
- You sure are,
you know, I mean,
laying in bed all night with
the pillow over your head
saying to your wife, I do
love you if I could see you.
Have you seen his wife?
- Yes I have.
- Hangs around downtown
LA going psst, taxi.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, wouldn't
you like to hear
how my big mouth got
me in trouble last night?
- No.
- Well, if you insist,
see I had this date
with a couple of Siamese twins.
- And what'd you say
to these Siamese twins
that got you into such trouble?
- Well, I said, boy, you
girls are really put together.
(audience laughs)
- Boo, boo, here's something
else that's really put together
next week's show,
take a look there.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- Our guests are
Bridget and Bernie,
that's right, Meredith
Baxter and David Birney.
(goofy music)
And our cameos are Rick
Taylor and Slappy White
and Jo Anne Worley.
- But no chicken jokes!
- Now will you say
goodnight, Dick?
- I thought you'd never
ask, goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience claps)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick, whoopee!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
- I'll goodnight Dick you!
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick, you
crazy pussycat, you.
Hurry up you guys
and eat your food.
- Goodnight Dick, take one.
- Like, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(kazoo music)
(woman laughs)