Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 2 - Episode #6.2 - full transcript
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
(applause)
- Oh, you're very nice.
Thank you kindly.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight we are very pleased
to have as our special guest
the lovely, gracious, talented
actress, Ms. Dyan Cannon.
(applause)
- That's some outfit.
- I'm not dressed.
I mean, forgive the way
I look but I've just had
a very stressing experience.
- Good heavens, somebody
tried to distress you?
- No, no, come on Dick.
(audience laughing)
What do you mean, what happened?
Well I was standing in my
dressing room back there you know,
and suddenly all
the lights went out.
And some guy came up behind
me and put his arms around me
and tried to kiss
me, and did I scream.
- Well I don't blame
you, I would too.
- For crying out loud,
do you know who it was?
- No, he ran away.
But I grabbed at him
as he went out the door,
and he pulled loose.
But I ripped the
back out of his jacket,
and when I find him
is he gonna get his.
- You think you'll be all right?
We want you to have a good time.
- No I'll have a good time.
I'll go back and get
dressed and come back out.
See you in a few minutes.
- She's a great little trooper.
Let's have a big
hand for Dyan Cannon.
(applause)
(audience laughing)
- I'll nail her next time.
(audience laughing)
- And now from deep
above the Burbank Stables
and Interior Decorating School,
NBC, the naughty but cute
network clashingly presents
the highly decorated Dan Rowan,
and the highly
overrated Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Dyan Cannon.
And our regulars, Ruth
Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Moosie
Drier, Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah
Kennedy, Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
and Tod Bass.
And appearing in
tonight's cocktail party,
cameo guest Sebastian
Cabot, Janet Leigh, Julie London,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word for those
troubled with pains, pressure,
and discomfort from gas.
Have you tried electricity?
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
the stars of our show,
Dan Rowea and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- That's my favorite
part of the show.
I love it.
Excuse me, would you mind if
I interrupted you for a second?
- Well I haven't
said anything yet.
- Oh, will you hurry
up and get started?
Because I have something
very important to ask you.
- Go ahead and ask me.
- Oh it can wait.
- I always have time
if you have a question.
Go ahead and ask me.
You know, anything
you need at all.
You don't want to ask me?
Okay, fine.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight,
- Do you think it
would be alright
if I put in a plug for
my new business?
- No I don't think
it'll be all right
if you put in a plug
for your new business.
It's a violation of
network regulations.
It's also a violation
of the Federal Communication
Commissions rules,
local television
station licensing codes,
and besides that
it's not allowed.
Tonight,
- It's called Dick Martin's
School for Topless Dancers
and it's on the corner of,
- Wait I just told
you, you can't do that.
- I'm sorry.
- All right.
Ladies...
Dick Martin's School
for Topless Dancers?
- Well that's a coincidence,
that's the name of my
school for topless dancers.
- Would you tell me
why you decided to teach
topless girls to dance?
- Because it was
murder trying to get them
to play the accordion.
(audience laughing)
- I can see that.
- No, that was another problem.
You couldn't see with
that big ol' accordion.
- I have heard enough.
- Lady of Spain was a killer.
- I don't want to hear about it.
What kind of a woman
would go to a place like that?
- Well all kinds.
You know, I had a 95
year old grandmother
come in just this morning.
- No kidding.
How'd she do?
- Well I don't know,
when I left though,
she was still trying
to get out of her shawl.
(laughing)
- How many students,
- No wait a minute (laughing).
- Even the machine's
not gonna help you.
How many students do you have?
- Anything else
she could get out of?
(audience laughing)
- I'd just like to, not really,
but I have been
asked to inquire.
How many students do you have?
- Well let's see.
There's 40, 60, 80, 100,
that makes 50 students.
(audience laughing)
- Can we talk about
something else?
- Can I tell the people
what it would cost?
- You'd might as well,
you've broken every other rule.
What does it cost?
- Well I'm glad you asked.
For you girls out there
who want to be topless,
take topless dancing lessons,
I am prepared to
pay five dollars each.
(audience laughing)
- Okay that's it.
Let's go to the party.
(applause)
(funky music)
- My cousin
really is very lucky.
Her daughter isn't pregnant,
doesn't smoke pot, and
has never been arrested.
- That's marvelous.
- Yeah, how old is she?
- Seven.
(funky music)
(laughing)
- You know, Chinese
acupuncture is simply amazing.
Do yo know why?
- Why?
- Well yesterday I
stepped on a nail
and it cured my headache.
(funky music)
- You know Janet, I hear
that Detroit has a policy
of recalling things
that don't work.
- Hm, maybe I should tell
them about my congressman.
(funky music)
- Julie what are you doing?
- Taking my birth control pill.
- But why two pills?
- I don't want to have twins.
(funky music)
- Hi, if we don't start paying
more attention to ecology,
pretty soon school children
will be learning about
natural resources
in history class.
(funky music)
(drum roll)
(funky music)
- Richard, do you think that
there's truth to the fact
that there's a credibility gap?
- I certainly do.
You can't believe
anything anymore.
I bought my niece recently
a George Washington doll.
She wound it up
and it lied to her.
(funky music)
- Say, what do you think
about invasion of privacy?
- None of your business.
(funky music)
- Say, Sebastian, how
would you describe
the political philosophy
of Ronald Reagan?
- Right down the
middle, old chap.
A little to the right
of President Nixon,
and a little to the left
of Vice President Nixon.
(funky music)
- Hey, Adele.
How'd you like to
come up to my place
and play chicken delight?
- Well how do you play that?
- Well, I give you an
order and you deliver.
(funky music)
- Hey Dyan, did you
know that yesterday
was Christine
Jorgensen's birthday?
- Sure I did.
And our whole crowd got together
and sent her a
dozen artificial flowers.
(funky music)
(applause)
Today in history, in
1936, in Munich, Germany,
British Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain
placed his ubiquitous
umbrella in his hand,
turned to Foreign
Minister Anthony Eden,
and said, "pookie,
pookie, pookie."
(audience laughing)
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I just stopped off
for a belt with the boys.
- Well here's another one.
- Could you make that a double?
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(bell dings)
- I told you not to serve
the high priced spread.
(audience laughing)
- How am I doing?
- Well I'll give
you a hint, champ.
You ain't been on your
feet since they played
the Star Spangled Banner.
- How's it go?
(audience laughing)
- I hear at school today
you were kissing all
the girls in the hall.
Well why were you doing this?
- Because all the boys
were in the gymnasium.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my goodness, Father
Flagherty is really very strict.
- Well I don't mind his strictly
enforcing discipline on us.
But I wish he wouldn't
refer to it as nun control.
(audience laughing)
(slapstick music)
(glass breaking)
(audience laughing)
(applause)
Hey Tod, what does this mean?
- Zero.
- Uh uh, Thursday.
- Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday.
(audience laughing)
- You mean I've gotta
pay for a girl under 13?
- You look like you'd have
to pay for a girl under 75.
(audience laughing)
- I pronounce you man and wife.
You may now boil the bride.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, sir.
Could you spare a dime?
- Sure.
Here you are.
- Thank you, here's
your dance now.
(audience laughing)
- I enjoyed that.
- Thank you.
You're the best dancer today.
(audience laughing)
- I am really not like
that girl that I played
in Bob and Carol
and Ted and Alice.
And I keep explaining
that to all my friends,
but they just all roll over
and go back to sleep.
(audience laughing)
- What do you want?
- I just came to
change your sheets.
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughing)
Gotcha copper.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know if these
tablets will get sinners
to change their ways,
but it'll make a swell movie.
(thunder rolls)
Some day my frog will come
Some day my frog will
- Wait a minute, don't you mean
someday my prince will come?
- Not anymore.
I'm getting desperate, Dyan.
I'll settle for a frog as
long as he respects me.
Ribbit.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Oh look.
The parking meter just expired.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
Oh, I see you're reading
a book.
- Yes, I'm studying
to be a psychologist.
- You're studying
to be a psychologist.
- Yes, uh huh, that's right.
I study the human mind.
- You study the human mind.
(laughing)
- Yes.
I notice that you
repeat yourself.
- I repeat myself.
Oh.
Oh did you hear that, friends?
I repeat myself.
(laughing)
- You see?
You did it again.
- I did it again.
(laughing)
- You did it again.
- You already said
you did it again.
In fact, you said it twice.
Do you know something?
I think you repeat yourself.
(laughing)
Isn't this fun?
- I repeat myself.
- You did it again.
- I did it again.
(laughing)
- I don't mind
you repeating
yourself, but please
don't repeat myself.
- Oh wait a minute.
Now, that's
psychologically impossible.
You see, one may repeat
oneself as you may say
you or I repeat your or myself.
But one may not repeat
another self as to say
I may or may not
repeat my or yourself.
- Oh.
(laughing)
Oh there's just one thing
I'd like to ask you.
- What (laughing)?
- Would you mind
repeating that please?
(applause)
(funky music)
Ruthie, my cousin
belongs to an organization
that collects millions of
dollars from people every week.
- Oh wow, he's in
organized crime?
- No, organized religion.
(funky music)
- Well Sarah, my dear,
what has handlebars,
wheels and pedals, is
embarrassing to talk about,
and was paid for
with American dollars?
- I don't know, Sebastian, what?
- A bicycle built
for President Two.
(funky music)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Just because
we're both married,
- Excuse me, why a Nobel
Prize Winner if ever I've seen one.
How would you like to
buy, sir, a 30 carat diamond
for only 20 dollars?
- What kind of fool
do you take me for?
- 10 dollars.
- (Mumbles).
- Too kind, sir.
- I think that's stupid.
I mean, you just
gave him, who's that?
- That's Willie Tyler.
- Where's he going?
- Oh, Wilt Chamberlain's house.
I'm his barber.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, but it's time for
one of my sneeze impressions.
- Oh, bless you.
- No not yet, wait a second.
A motorcycle sneezing, okay?
- Motorcycle sneezing.
(sneezes)
Bless you.
- Hey, where you
going this time?
- Back to Wilt
Chamberlain's house.
He wants a shoeshine.
(audience laughing)
- That makes
perfect sense to me.
- Well it would.
Let's get out of
here before some,
- Do you believe
in divine goodness?
- I guess so, yeah.
- Well sure.
- Oh good.
Do you believe, therefore,
in the power and glory
of external influence?
The eternal comfort
of heavenly rest?
- Oh, you bet.
- Oh good.
Would you mind
taking over my route
while I sneak out for a belt?
- I'll give you a
belt right here.
There's a cotillion
at (mumbles) tonight
We're gonna dance
til dawn's early light
If our propriety's
gone with the breeze
Frankly, Ms. Scarlet,
I don't give a sneeze
What is the news
across the whole nation
We have got the
whole information
In a way that
sets us to giggling
Parasols fluttering,
petticoats wiggling
We simply love and
adore to give you our views
Fiddle dee dee,
great balls of fire
Laugh In looks at the news
with Richard and Dan, yeah
- [Announcer] And
now The Laugh In News
with the Paris Peace Talks,
untranslatable income taxes,
very hatable (mumbles)
figure, quite inflatable,
and Mayor (mumbles),
undebatable.
- Here's tonight's headlines.
Mickey Rooney injured,
stubs nose on waste basket.
- Ralph Nader furious as
President of General Motors
suffers an amnesia attack
and is unable to recall anything.
- Richard Penniman,
inventor of carbon paper,
today disappeared
without a trace.
- I can't wait to hear that one.
And here now with news
of the present is Dick.
- John Lindsey, Mayor
of New York City,
complained again today
about receiving repeated
obscene phone calls.
The mayor said, "It's horrible.
Every time I pick up a phone,
I hear a low, throaty voice
whispering, 'Nelson
Rockefeller, Nelson Rockefeller.'"
Hollywood, California,
Cedars of Lebanon Hospital,
medical history was made
today when world renowned
female impersonator,
Jim Bailey, gave birth
to a seven pound, nine ounce.
(audience laughing)
- Seven pound, nine ounce what?
- They don't know yet.
And now, with news of
the future, where's Dan?
- [Dan] No, that's here's Dan.
- Oh, thank you.
You want to tell Dan to
do the news of the future?
- Berkeley, California, 20
years from today this morning,
Tiny Tim's son
graduated from college.
And when asked if
he planned to follow
in his father's footsteps, he
replied that he wasn't sure.
He then picked up
his shopping bag,
and flew up into the
top of the nearest tree.
News of the future, 20 years
from now rolling right along.
Scientists have analyzed
every cargo of rocks and dirt
taken from the moon
since Apollo One.
And now, with the delivery
of the 12 thousandth
load of material,
scientists have discovered
that the moon is gone.
Here's the future 20 years
from now, Madrid, Spain.
Famous Spanish toreador,
Frederico De Cordova
thrilled the crowds today
as he entered the ring
wearing a sequined
jacket, a chartreuse sash,
puce pants, and began making,
- [Dick] What was that again?
- He began making,
- [Dick] You had me
with the puce pants.
- Well, (audience laughing)
he began making
outrageous passes at the bull.
(audience laughing)
- You'll have to
learn to straighten up
on those serious items.
And now to our down east
sports caster, Jud Strunk,
with the game of the week
from Farmington, Maine,
the sports capital of America.
- Hey there.
This is Jud Strunk, your
announcer from up here
in Farmington, Maine,
sports capital of the world,
bringing you the biggest
thing since Harvey Boynton sold
smoke glasses at
the eclipse of the sun.
A sport called the stick catch.
It's a beauty.
Now, game of the week,
what this fellow's gotta do
laying on the foam rubber
is give himself a push up,
put that pole across
them two bars,
grab that big stick,
land on his feet,
and head her out backwards.
We think he can do it.
(whistle blows)
There he goes.
Right up and over the
bar, he put it right back,
he's landed, he's got the stick,
and he's running backwards,
and that is Dwight Newton
doing all he can to cut her off.
He's coming right
up on the finish.
I think he's got it.
And this is Jud
Strunk broadcasting
from the capital of the world,
Farmington, Maine sports.
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Now the medical news
with Dr. Martha Welby.
- The government
is doing it's part
to advance medical research.
For instance, the United
States Surgeon General's Office
has just announced
that they have discovered
a definite connection
between cigarettes smoking
and invisible weaving.
- Here's a special
report from a man
who's outstanding in his field.
- Here I am, out
standing in my field.
- Well I told you he was
outstanding in his field.
- In Hollywood, many
restaurants have a practice
of naming dishes
after famous celebrities.
Recently, a restaurant
in Washington
began the same thing
with political figures.
- May I help you?
- Yes, what kind of
soups do you have today?
- We have two kinds of soup.
We have the Jack Anderson,
and the Richard Nixon.
The first is security leek,
and the second
is perfectly clear.
- Oh don't you have the
Cline Dean soup anymore?
- No, we had to take that out.
We found a bug in it.
(audience laughing)
Now for salad, may I recommend
the LBJ Heavy Hearts of Lettuce?
It comes with a
delicious vinegar
and oil depletion dressing.
- Oh miss, I'd like to
have something to drink,
but I don't want anymore
of that Hubert Humphrey
Pleased As Punch.
- Then let me bring
you our delicious IT&T.
- What do you have
for main courses?
- Well, the main courses
you have a choice
between the Martha
Mitchell Tongue Sandwich,
the Welfare Meatloafers
with a side order of
Ku Klux Clams, or the
Congressional Special.
- Congressional Special?
What's that?
- Bologna.
(audience laughing)
Oh, we also have a
Defense Budget Steak,
but you can't cut it.
You have to swallow
the whole thing.
- And what's for dessert?
- I'm sorry to say, all we
have is H Rap Brownies.
- It said on the menu you
have the Vietnamese Delight.
- Yeah, it's a very sad thing
about the Vietnamese Delight.
We've had so
much trouble with it,
no one can ever finish
it and it's very expensive.
Matter of fact,
we're thinking of
withdrawing it from the menu.
(audience laughing)
- And now the
Senior Citizens' News.
- Copy boy.
(scoffs)
Come here, watch how it's done.
I know what like to
look at you (mumbles).
There's old news
tonight (chuckles).
Yes sir.
90 year old Wilbert
Thomas was arrested today
when he was discovered
lurking in the bushes
near the senior citizens' home.
He was wearing an ill fitting,
white, wrinkled jump suit.
He was released
when it was found
that Mr. Thomas
was in fact naked.
Naked as a jaybird.
So they rearrested
him for jaywalking.
(audience laughs)
- Now to Sydney, Australia
to talk to Mr. Harry Harris,
famous kangaroo boxer.
- Tell me, Harry.
What is the hardest part
of boxing a kangaroo?
- Well the hardest part
about boxing a kangaroo
is you've gotta get
the lid to stay down
after you've got the
kangaroo in the box
(audience laughing)
- Here are the
special news items.
The internationally known
columnist, Jim Bacon.
- Well it looks like Splitsville
for Mickey and Minnie Mouse.
It seems that Minnie's
new flame is the star
of that rat horror picture, Ben.
Reliable sources tell me
that they were seen together
at Chez Pierre Restaurant
nibbling away on Pierre.
(audience laughing)
- Now with Donna Jean
Young, with previews
of this week's television shows.
(giggling)
- Lassie tracks an escaped
convict from Houston
to the Rio Grande,
requiring the state troopers
to spread newspapers
all over Texas.
(audience laughing)
- What's the next
item, Donna Jean?
- On Bonanza, a wealthy
cattle baron discovers
his cattle aren't really
wealthy (giggles).
(audience laughing)
And finally (giggles), finally,
don't forget to watch
Ironsides Thursday
when he asks a girl
out on a date (giggles),
and she stands him up.
(audience laughing)
- This is Kelly
Owens reminding you
that 25 years ago on this date,
King Andrew the Stupid of
Romania gave up his throne
and ran off with a soup
spoon named Fred.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In look at the news
(applause)
- Hey Moosie, what
are you drawing?
- A picture of God.
- But no one knows
what God looks like.
- Now they will.
(audience laughing)
- I'm a nervous wreck.
Harry listen to me,
I'm just a housewife.
I can't go on for Gertrude.
- What do you mean?
You've seen this act
a thousand of times.
And as a matter of fact,
you know it inside and out,
and my gosh, Gertrude is sick.
And besides that, we'll
get fired if we don't do this.
(door knocking)
- [Man] You're on, Harry.
- Oh my gosh.
Here, here put these on.
Here.
- Harry, I'm so scared.
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
the circus proudly
presents Harry
and his trained seal, Gertrude.
- Thank you, thank you all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And come on in, girl.
Come on, that's a good girl.
(audience laughing)
That's a good girl.
(grunting)
Now you can do
it, that's a good girl.
Oh nevermind, just
get right up there.
How about that,
ladies and gentlemen?
(grunting)
Here's some fish, girl.
There you go.
Good girl.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Gertrude will play God
Bless America on the horn.
Hit it, Gertrude.
You can do it.
(horns honking)
(applause)
Oh, beautiful.
Wasn't that wonderful?
Here's another fish, girl.
- I don't want
anymore fish, faerie.
- No, that's fish, Harry.
Take it.
That's a good girl.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
Gertrude will attempt a feat
that we always have here.
We always throw
the rings on the feet.
Or right on top of the head.
Are you ready, Gertrude?
(grunting)
That's a girl, that's a girl.
Here we go.
Ready?
How about that!
And there's another one.
Good girl.
(grunting)
What a wonderful thing.
Here's another bit of fish.
(audience laughing)
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for our grand finale,
Gertrude will attempt
a feat which no other trained
seal in the world can do.
She will dive from the top
of this 60 foot ladder, and
dive into this two foot pool.
(drum roll)
Yes, your mother
will be watching.
(grunting)
Yes, yes.
(mumbles), and she
will dive into this pool
with only a tiny bit
of fish for her reward.
Okay girl, you're doing fine.
Are you ready?
'Atta girl.
Okay now.
Go ahead and jump now.
(slide whistle)
(splash)
(applause)
It's just as well, I didn't
have anymore fish anyway.
(funky music)
- I understand they're
gonna have a series next year
about a detective who
gets wheeled around
in a washing machine.
- You're kidding.
What are they gonna call it?
- Ironsides.
(funky music)
- You know Dan, I've
got a German Polaroid.
- Well how's it work?
- When the picture's
ready it hollers at you.
(funky music)
(slapstick music)
(audience laughing)
- I'd join Women's Lib, but I
don't have anything to burn.
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear?
Nok and Gorga just
got engaged this week.
- Hey, that's great.
- Yeah, and you should
see the rock he gave her.
But she should be
better in a few days.
(audience laughing)
- 300 years ago today, the
Spanish explorer, Ponce De Leon,
discovered the Fountain
of Youth in Florida.
After drinking for an hour,
Ponce De Leon stood up and said,
"I have to go to the potty."
(audience laughing)
- Yes, may I help you?
- Yes, I'm looking
for Dr. Livingston.
- Oh just a minute, I'll check.
Is this him?
(audience laughing)
- No, I'm afraid not.
Thank you anyway.
(audience laughing)
- I just finished a movie
which had so many
naked love scenes in it,
we had to work six days
a week to finish it in time.
Although we never
worked on Sundays
due to the film's
religious theme.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my Lord.
Holy Toledo.
- Is there a doctor around?
- Excuse me, I'm a doctor.
Excuse me.
Alright, let's clear the area.
(audience laughing)
Give a yell, give a cheer,
give a look a Londoneer
'Cause it's time
for the big salute
Give a hoot, give a
hey, try a zippy up hurray
Move aside for the big salute
Boola boola ballyhoo
and boop boop be doo
Abba dabba scooby dooby
have we got some jokes and puns
Sure we've got
some jokes and puns
Rowan and Martin's Laugh
In salutes guns, guns, guns
Ready, aim, fire
Hit the drum, bring the band,
shout it out across the land
It's a salute, a
salute, a salute
A salute, a salute, a salute
It's a beaut, that's your boot
Have your twin
for the big salute
(applause)
- You know, some people
justify the possession of guns
with the argument that
a lot of great Americans
who lived in the past used guns.
- Well this is also
true of outhouses.
(audience laughing)
- I've got two 45 automatics
in my dresser drawer,
a 32 pistol under my pillow,
and a pearl handled snub
nosed 38 in my bathrobe pocket.
- Oh, what do you
need all that stuff for?
- To keep someone from
stealing my gun collection.
(audience laughing)
- If there were no guns,
would there be fewer hunters?
- No there'd be just as many,
but I guess they'd have
to roam through the woods
in groups and
beat up little rabbits.
(audience laughing)
- I always sleep with
a gun under my pillow
so when an intruder
crawls through
my bedroom window at
night, I can feel pretty safe
he won't chicken out.
- According to a survey,
there's a lot of people in America
who want gun control, but
there are some people with guns
that are holding it up.
(audience laughing)
- Sir, do you have any
comment on gun control?
- I certainly do.
I think that anyone
that wants to have a gun
should be allowed to own one.
- Thank you.
Oh, and what do
you do for a living?
- I own a funeral parlor next
to a liquor store in New York,
and business is booming.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
The loaded guns must
really be dangerous.
I mean, look how many
people are shot each year
by empty ones.
(audience laughing)
- Yes sir, can I help you?
- Yes, I'd like two
dozen pistols please,
six shotguns, three
submachine guns,
and 50,000 rounds of ammunition.
- [Officer] Okay Vatigan,
are you coming out
or do we have to
come in and get ya?
- Wait a minute!
I'm sorry, it seems I've
left my wallet at home.
- Oh, that's okay,
we can bill you.
(audience laughing)
- Okay coppers.
If you want me,
come in and get me.
- You know, hunting
animals in the woods
is not my husband's idea of fun.
What he likes to
do is get in a boat,
go out in the middle
of a lake (laughing),
and shoot fish.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know whether
I can follow that.
- You can.
- You know, I always carry
a gun hidden in my pocket
because I never know when
I might bump into some nut
who's also carrying a
gun hidden in his pocket.
(audience laughing)
- A friend of mine
has a pair of 38s.
And she gets so lonesome,
she gets so scared
going home at night,
she had to go out and by a gun.
(audience laughing)
- This is the mountain
goat I got with my rifle
up in Vancouver.
And this is the deer I bagged
with my shotgun in Bigser.
And this is the broad I
caught with my husband
in Central Park.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- My love.
Oh you look so
beautiful tonight.
How about a little kiss?
- No.
I just joined a
birth control club.
- What's a birth control club?
- This.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Tod, here's a letter
from Pearcy Shade
of Boston, age seven.
"Dear Moosie, my sister is
always hitting and kicking me."
- Dear Pearcy, you should
try to explain to your sister
the childishness of
her juvenile actions.
If that doesn't work, bite her.
(audience laughing)
- Sandwich.
Sandwich.
Sandwich.
- What do you want?
What do you want?
What do you want?
- I just wanted to tell you
that the people, you know,
I called them and they
said the TV repairman
will soon be here.
- Well why'd you do that, man?
Why'd you do that?
All you had to do was turn
on the Oral Roberts Show
and the TV would
have fixed itself.
(audience laughing)
- Come in, it's open.
- I'm from TV Repair, my
name's Patrick O'Reilly.
- O'Reilly?
Funny, you don't look drunk.
(audience laughing)
- You got a problem?
- Nothing a soul brother in
the White House couldn't fix.
- I think he's talking
about the television.
- Oh yeah, hey
why don't you fix it?
'Cause like, Sally Davis,
she's gonna be on
the Flip Wilson Show
(mumbles) got a special.
And they gonna rerun
the Ali/Frazier fight.
- Why don't you just leave
the color knob on brown?
(audience laughing)
- How'd you like
one across your lip?
(audience laughing)
- And now a fantastic
fanfare for the return of our
familiar and fabulous
friends, the Farkel Family.
We join them as
husband Frank says,
- I have some fantastic news.
Guess what we're going to have?
- Let me guess.
We're going to have fried
flounder and french fries.
- No, we're going
to have a baby.
- What?
- We're going to
have an infant, Ferd.
- Did you hear that, Frank?
We're going to
have an infant Ferd.
- Congratulations to you both.
- No, no, you and I are
going to have an infant, Frank.
I thought you had guessed.
After all, the fact is
staring you in the face.
Staring me in the
face, my dear Fannie?
Imagine my dear Fannie
staring me in the face.
We must find out
when the baby is due.
- Oh, well I've already
phoned the foremost physician
to furnish the physical facts.
- Hark, who can that be?
(doorbell rings)
(audience laughing)
- I am a foremost
physician recently phoned
to furnish the physical facts.
You are expecting me?
- No, we were expecting a baby.
- Well, I'm Physician
Phyllis Frost.
- Frank Farkel, Phyllis.
Fannie Farkel, Phyllis Frost.
Phyllis Frost, Ferd and her.
- Haaa!
- [Frank] Flicker Farkel.
And him.
- Yeah, baby.
- [Frank] Darkel Farkel.
- Yes friends,
Fannie is with Farkel.
Tune in next week,
when we'll hear Ferd say,
- And so ends another episode
in the Adventures of Bob
and Carol and Ted and Farkel.
- Farkel.
- Farkel.
- Farkel.
- Ferd.
- Good morning, sisters.
- Good morning, Father.
- This is National Amnesia
Day, so forget I told you.
- Oh Dick, do you
think that going to jail
for smoking marijuana
is a good idea?
- Oh no, they'd catch
you there for sure.
(funky music)
- I'm home.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, I
think the magic's gone
out of our marriage.
You just don't knock me
out the way you used to.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Why didn't you
take care of that
before you put on the suit?
(audience laughing)
- This is rapidly turning
into one of my favorite
parts of the show,
where we take questions
from the studio audience
about anything you'd like to
ask at all.
So if any of you
have any questions,
you just yell 'em out and
I'll be happy to answer
anything at all.
Just, I mean you
can ask questions
about the show, any question.
People on the show,
how we do the
show, what time it is,
any, any questions.
Here we go with another
stupid looking outfit.
- I don't know, it
wouldn't look so bad
if you changed the tie.
(audience laughing)
- I'm talking about that outfit.
- What's wrong with it?
- You look like you're standing
up inside an old buffalo.
- I beg your pardon.
I just had this made
for my new hobye.
- Hobby.
- Hobby. H O B Y E.
- You have a new hobby.
Let me guess.
You have taken up
sheep dip tasting.
- No, no, no, my dear Nanette.
- [Dan] That's not it?
- No sir, I had this made for
tramping through the woods
and enjoying the
splendors of the outdoors.
- Well why did you have
somebody make you a Viking outfit?
- A Viking outfit?
I told him to make
me a hiking outfit.
(audience laughing)
Gadzooks.
- How long have
you been interested
in the fruits of Mother Nature?
(audience laughing)
- I think we'd be a lot
safer going back talking
about this stupid
looking outfit.
- First time's I can remember
you being right today.
Tell me, (mumbles).
- Yes.
- Where do you plan
on hiking, Viking?
- Well, hiking Viking.
That's a good name for the kid.
(bell rings)
Tomorrow morning, I'm going
to hike across Death Valley.
- Death Valley.
- Then, in the afternoon
I'm gonna hike across Yuma.
- Wait a minute.
- And then, go to Denver,
turn left at Tucumcari.
What?
- You can't hike across
Death Valley in the morning.
- Why, is it closed?
- No it's not closed, you
don't have the right equipment.
- Are you kidding?
I made a list.
Let's see, I've got a canteen,
sleeping bag,
hunting knife, matches,
I've got my dark blue suit,
my brown and white shoes,
my collection of
Jerry Vale records.
- Wait, your Jerry Vale records?
You have on, - Sure.
Did you ever try to
get a Jerry Vrale record
in the middle of
the dessert valley?
- I never even tried to
get a Jerry Vale record,
much less a Jerry Vrale.
(audience laughing)
- Whoops, there's the -
I don't want to pay $100.
(laughing)
- Why, is the duck coming down?
(audience laughing)
- No it's already here.
What about food, are you
taking some beef jerky?
No, I'm taking some
chicken, dummy.
(audience laughing)
- Terrible.
What are you gonna, no
you're not gonna really go hiking
dressed like that.
- Of course not.
Dressed like this?
What, you think I'm stupid
enough to walk across
Death Valley in a Viking outfit?
- Of course not.
- Just between you and me,
I don't know what Vikings do.
- Oh yeah?
- I have never seen anyone vike.
I know I've never viked myself.
Although there was
one night in Milwaukee.
(audience laughing)
- You're beginning to look
more like Groucho all the time.
(laughing)
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- If you'll shut up a minute,
I'll tell you about the Vikings.
Because they were
very notorious people.
- Yeah?
- Well, they were notorious
for attacking villages,
and running off with
the young girls, and
- Whoa ho ho.
(horn blares)
(applause)
- What'd you do last night?
- Oh, I watched a movie
in the rumpus room
with a cute boy
that lives next door.
- Oh.
What was playing?
- Everybody.
- Oh look.
It's the girl in 38D.
- There's no apartment 38D.
- I'm not talking
about her apartment.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I just moved in.
- You certainly did.
- Listen, I really think
I'm gonna like living here,
but don't you get
bored with all these guys
hanging around all the time?
- Wow, boy I sure do.
I mean, those guys
hanging around
are really an awful problem.
- I never noticed any
boys hanging around here.
- That's the problem.
(audience laughing)
Once I lived in a one room flat
With a TV set and a nervous cat
And I never met a solitary soul
Once we lived in our modest pads
With our needlepoint
and our moms and dads
And the lack of fun
began to take it's toll
Then one day we found what
being what being smart meant
When we found this
fabulous apartment
Swingin' singles,
swingin' singles
Everybody mixes and mingles
When you leave
your work a day labors
You can have a ball
with your neighbors
Little friendships
start to flower
When you share this happy hour
In a swingin' single that swings
Every night it's like a party
But the party never ends
Every door is always open
It's great when you
make new friends
Playing tennis, and at swim time
Take a sauna,
hurry it's gym time
Doing laundry, nobody shovin'
A communal permanent love in
First the moonlight,
then the marriage
Then a home, and
maybe a carriage
In a swingin' single that swings
You hear the
wedding bells jingle
In a swingin' single that swings
Call the landlord
In a swingin' single that swings
(applause)
- Will the commissary manager
who devised the (inaudible)
food idea for the Universal
Studio dining room
please report to Mr. Weinstein
in the Administration Building?
(audience laughing)
- Here's a letter
from a BJ, who writes,
"Dear Moosie, I'm a boy.
I am 12 years old, and
I just learned all about
the birds and the bees.
What do I do now?"
- Gee, I really don't know.
I think maybe you just try to
make friends with a sparrow.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like some
information please.
- The capital of
California is Sacramento.
- Oh thanks very much.
(audience laughing)
- Happy days are here again.
- I just finished a movie
with lots of nude love scenes.
In fact, when I asked
for my wardrobe,
they gave me a jar of Noxzema.
(audience laughing)
- Quiet on the set.
Laugh In Story, take one.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Bob Hope please,
this is his mother.
(audience laughing)
Hello, Hope.
This is your mother Marianne.
You got your nose
from your father Hope.
(laughing)
Fine thanks, but
I want to tell you
everything's okay here at
home except our kitchen sink.
Boy, I haven't seen
anything back up that fast
since Senator Muskie got
the results from the primary.
(audience laughing)
And how about that Cros?
But seriously, I talked
to Bing's mother today.
Poor old girl broke her leg
when she tripped over
a bale of 10 dollar bills.
(audience laughing)
And how about
your plastic surgeon?
I ran into him the other day,
and you know he still has
the brick and the snow shovel
that he used on your nose.
(audience laughing)
Well that's it for now, Hope.
Remember the words of
Spiro Agnew who once said,
"Drag that guy out of here,
I want to hit another one."
(audience laughing)
Good night son, let's
hear it for your mother.
Hit it, Les.
(applause)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- I've come to fix
your dish washer.
- Ah, just a moment.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
Here you are.
Do try to have
her back by Friday.
(audience laughing)
One of the parts is very rusty.
(funky music)
- I have a friend whose race
horse has a split personality.
- Oh that's unusual.
What happened to him?
- He came in first and third.
(funky music)
- Sebi, you know, of course,
that Chicago has a Mayor Daley?
- Yes, yes.
And Los Angeles has
a mayor occasionally.
(funky music)
- Well, that's about it.
It's time to wrap it up.
- Oh don't worry, little Dy,
I'll make sure there's air
holes for you to breathe.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no, come on, Dick.
I'm talking about wrapping
up the show, not Dyan.
- You make your
bundles, I'll make mine.
(audience laughing)
- I really had a ball.
- And the night is young.
- Yeah, but you aren't,
so forget about it.
Hey, we're gonna
have a ball next week.
So take a look, Dyan,
see what we're gonna have.
(slide whistle)
- [Announcer] There's our
guest star, William Conrad.
Get a load of these candy oh's.
Bob Crane.
- Ah, he was paroled yesterday.
- [Announcer] Nanette Fabray.
- Sign language.
- [Announcer] Henry Mancini.
And Alexis Smith.
- First suspect you
were losing the war.
- [Announcer] And there's
Dan and what's his name.
(cackling)
- Hey Donna, did you hear about
the Freud Museum in
Vyenna catching fire?
- [Man] That's Vienna.
- Yeah, Vienna.
Yeah, his dreams
went all up in smoke.
(audience groans)
- Hey Ruthie, did you
hear about the strip teaser
who joined Women's Lib?
- No, Dyan (laughs).
- She burned her pasties.
- A friend of mine
has a rotary engine car
and he ran into a milk truck.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- I know, before he
could switch the engine off
it made 40 gallons
of whipped cream.
(audience laughing)
- Dennis, my boyfriend
just made a big killing
in the stock market.
- Oh well how'd he do it?
- He strangled his broker.
- Hey, who lives deep in a lake,
and is only seen once in awhile,
and drives a big, black car?
- I don't know, who?
- The Loch Ness Undertaker.
(groaning)
- Listen, what do you get
if you cross Spiro Agnew
and Billy Graham with a chicken?
- [Everyone] What?
- Two right wings and a prayer.
- Speaking of Billy Graham,
I see where he's taking
up horseback riding.
- Another sermon on the mount.
- Jud, Jud, did you know that
my wife buys all my clothes?
Well I'd better see her,
I've been taking all mine
to the Salvation Army.
- Hey Sarah?
- Yeah?
- I hear that New York City
is the dirtiest
city in the world.
- Yeah, I heard yesterday's
ballgame was called
on account of soot.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, Dick, Dick,
I have a question.
It's been bothering me.
When nudists lock
their automobile,
what do they do
with their car keys?
(audience laughing)
Hey Will, I hear your
girlfriend got poison ivy.
- Yup, and tonight I'm
going up to see her itching.
- Bryan.
- What?
- How would you toast
the Queen of England?
- Well, til she was
dark on the outside.
- Hey Dan, what do you
get if you put Toady Fields
in an upper bunk?
- Something I don't want.
(audience laughing)
- Dan, Dan, what do you
get if you put Toady Fields
in an upper bunk?
- I don't know, what?
- Toady Fields in a lower bunk.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dyan, I loved you in Bob
and Carol and Ted and Allen.
- Oh that's nice, thank
you, but you know,
I've done a lot more since then.
- You have?
(audience laughing)
- It's time to say good night.
- Only one thing puzzled
me about that picture.
- What's that?
- Well, who got
to put out the cat?
(audience laughing)
- Good night, Dyan.
- Good night.
Good night.
- You know if it were up to me,
I'd insist on drawing straws.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(applause)
- Good night, Richard.
The third.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night, Bob.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
And good night to you, Richard.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dan.
- You're supposed to
say good night, Dick.
- Man, to me
they all look alike.
(audience laughing)
- Good night, Dick.
(slapstick music)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
(applause)
- Oh, you're very nice.
Thank you kindly.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight we are very pleased
to have as our special guest
the lovely, gracious, talented
actress, Ms. Dyan Cannon.
(applause)
- That's some outfit.
- I'm not dressed.
I mean, forgive the way
I look but I've just had
a very stressing experience.
- Good heavens, somebody
tried to distress you?
- No, no, come on Dick.
(audience laughing)
What do you mean, what happened?
Well I was standing in my
dressing room back there you know,
and suddenly all
the lights went out.
And some guy came up behind
me and put his arms around me
and tried to kiss
me, and did I scream.
- Well I don't blame
you, I would too.
- For crying out loud,
do you know who it was?
- No, he ran away.
But I grabbed at him
as he went out the door,
and he pulled loose.
But I ripped the
back out of his jacket,
and when I find him
is he gonna get his.
- You think you'll be all right?
We want you to have a good time.
- No I'll have a good time.
I'll go back and get
dressed and come back out.
See you in a few minutes.
- She's a great little trooper.
Let's have a big
hand for Dyan Cannon.
(applause)
(audience laughing)
- I'll nail her next time.
(audience laughing)
- And now from deep
above the Burbank Stables
and Interior Decorating School,
NBC, the naughty but cute
network clashingly presents
the highly decorated Dan Rowan,
and the highly
overrated Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Dyan Cannon.
And our regulars, Ruth
Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Moosie
Drier, Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah
Kennedy, Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
and Tod Bass.
And appearing in
tonight's cocktail party,
cameo guest Sebastian
Cabot, Janet Leigh, Julie London,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word for those
troubled with pains, pressure,
and discomfort from gas.
Have you tried electricity?
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
the stars of our show,
Dan Rowea and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- That's my favorite
part of the show.
I love it.
Excuse me, would you mind if
I interrupted you for a second?
- Well I haven't
said anything yet.
- Oh, will you hurry
up and get started?
Because I have something
very important to ask you.
- Go ahead and ask me.
- Oh it can wait.
- I always have time
if you have a question.
Go ahead and ask me.
You know, anything
you need at all.
You don't want to ask me?
Okay, fine.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight,
- Do you think it
would be alright
if I put in a plug for
my new business?
- No I don't think
it'll be all right
if you put in a plug
for your new business.
It's a violation of
network regulations.
It's also a violation
of the Federal Communication
Commissions rules,
local television
station licensing codes,
and besides that
it's not allowed.
Tonight,
- It's called Dick Martin's
School for Topless Dancers
and it's on the corner of,
- Wait I just told
you, you can't do that.
- I'm sorry.
- All right.
Ladies...
Dick Martin's School
for Topless Dancers?
- Well that's a coincidence,
that's the name of my
school for topless dancers.
- Would you tell me
why you decided to teach
topless girls to dance?
- Because it was
murder trying to get them
to play the accordion.
(audience laughing)
- I can see that.
- No, that was another problem.
You couldn't see with
that big ol' accordion.
- I have heard enough.
- Lady of Spain was a killer.
- I don't want to hear about it.
What kind of a woman
would go to a place like that?
- Well all kinds.
You know, I had a 95
year old grandmother
come in just this morning.
- No kidding.
How'd she do?
- Well I don't know,
when I left though,
she was still trying
to get out of her shawl.
(laughing)
- How many students,
- No wait a minute (laughing).
- Even the machine's
not gonna help you.
How many students do you have?
- Anything else
she could get out of?
(audience laughing)
- I'd just like to, not really,
but I have been
asked to inquire.
How many students do you have?
- Well let's see.
There's 40, 60, 80, 100,
that makes 50 students.
(audience laughing)
- Can we talk about
something else?
- Can I tell the people
what it would cost?
- You'd might as well,
you've broken every other rule.
What does it cost?
- Well I'm glad you asked.
For you girls out there
who want to be topless,
take topless dancing lessons,
I am prepared to
pay five dollars each.
(audience laughing)
- Okay that's it.
Let's go to the party.
(applause)
(funky music)
- My cousin
really is very lucky.
Her daughter isn't pregnant,
doesn't smoke pot, and
has never been arrested.
- That's marvelous.
- Yeah, how old is she?
- Seven.
(funky music)
(laughing)
- You know, Chinese
acupuncture is simply amazing.
Do yo know why?
- Why?
- Well yesterday I
stepped on a nail
and it cured my headache.
(funky music)
- You know Janet, I hear
that Detroit has a policy
of recalling things
that don't work.
- Hm, maybe I should tell
them about my congressman.
(funky music)
- Julie what are you doing?
- Taking my birth control pill.
- But why two pills?
- I don't want to have twins.
(funky music)
- Hi, if we don't start paying
more attention to ecology,
pretty soon school children
will be learning about
natural resources
in history class.
(funky music)
(drum roll)
(funky music)
- Richard, do you think that
there's truth to the fact
that there's a credibility gap?
- I certainly do.
You can't believe
anything anymore.
I bought my niece recently
a George Washington doll.
She wound it up
and it lied to her.
(funky music)
- Say, what do you think
about invasion of privacy?
- None of your business.
(funky music)
- Say, Sebastian, how
would you describe
the political philosophy
of Ronald Reagan?
- Right down the
middle, old chap.
A little to the right
of President Nixon,
and a little to the left
of Vice President Nixon.
(funky music)
- Hey, Adele.
How'd you like to
come up to my place
and play chicken delight?
- Well how do you play that?
- Well, I give you an
order and you deliver.
(funky music)
- Hey Dyan, did you
know that yesterday
was Christine
Jorgensen's birthday?
- Sure I did.
And our whole crowd got together
and sent her a
dozen artificial flowers.
(funky music)
(applause)
Today in history, in
1936, in Munich, Germany,
British Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain
placed his ubiquitous
umbrella in his hand,
turned to Foreign
Minister Anthony Eden,
and said, "pookie,
pookie, pookie."
(audience laughing)
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I just stopped off
for a belt with the boys.
- Well here's another one.
- Could you make that a double?
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(bell dings)
- I told you not to serve
the high priced spread.
(audience laughing)
- How am I doing?
- Well I'll give
you a hint, champ.
You ain't been on your
feet since they played
the Star Spangled Banner.
- How's it go?
(audience laughing)
- I hear at school today
you were kissing all
the girls in the hall.
Well why were you doing this?
- Because all the boys
were in the gymnasium.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my goodness, Father
Flagherty is really very strict.
- Well I don't mind his strictly
enforcing discipline on us.
But I wish he wouldn't
refer to it as nun control.
(audience laughing)
(slapstick music)
(glass breaking)
(audience laughing)
(applause)
Hey Tod, what does this mean?
- Zero.
- Uh uh, Thursday.
- Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday.
(audience laughing)
- You mean I've gotta
pay for a girl under 13?
- You look like you'd have
to pay for a girl under 75.
(audience laughing)
- I pronounce you man and wife.
You may now boil the bride.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, sir.
Could you spare a dime?
- Sure.
Here you are.
- Thank you, here's
your dance now.
(audience laughing)
- I enjoyed that.
- Thank you.
You're the best dancer today.
(audience laughing)
- I am really not like
that girl that I played
in Bob and Carol
and Ted and Alice.
And I keep explaining
that to all my friends,
but they just all roll over
and go back to sleep.
(audience laughing)
- What do you want?
- I just came to
change your sheets.
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughing)
Gotcha copper.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know if these
tablets will get sinners
to change their ways,
but it'll make a swell movie.
(thunder rolls)
Some day my frog will come
Some day my frog will
- Wait a minute, don't you mean
someday my prince will come?
- Not anymore.
I'm getting desperate, Dyan.
I'll settle for a frog as
long as he respects me.
Ribbit.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Oh look.
The parking meter just expired.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
Oh, I see you're reading
a book.
- Yes, I'm studying
to be a psychologist.
- You're studying
to be a psychologist.
- Yes, uh huh, that's right.
I study the human mind.
- You study the human mind.
(laughing)
- Yes.
I notice that you
repeat yourself.
- I repeat myself.
Oh.
Oh did you hear that, friends?
I repeat myself.
(laughing)
- You see?
You did it again.
- I did it again.
(laughing)
- You did it again.
- You already said
you did it again.
In fact, you said it twice.
Do you know something?
I think you repeat yourself.
(laughing)
Isn't this fun?
- I repeat myself.
- You did it again.
- I did it again.
(laughing)
- I don't mind
you repeating
yourself, but please
don't repeat myself.
- Oh wait a minute.
Now, that's
psychologically impossible.
You see, one may repeat
oneself as you may say
you or I repeat your or myself.
But one may not repeat
another self as to say
I may or may not
repeat my or yourself.
- Oh.
(laughing)
Oh there's just one thing
I'd like to ask you.
- What (laughing)?
- Would you mind
repeating that please?
(applause)
(funky music)
Ruthie, my cousin
belongs to an organization
that collects millions of
dollars from people every week.
- Oh wow, he's in
organized crime?
- No, organized religion.
(funky music)
- Well Sarah, my dear,
what has handlebars,
wheels and pedals, is
embarrassing to talk about,
and was paid for
with American dollars?
- I don't know, Sebastian, what?
- A bicycle built
for President Two.
(funky music)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Just because
we're both married,
- Excuse me, why a Nobel
Prize Winner if ever I've seen one.
How would you like to
buy, sir, a 30 carat diamond
for only 20 dollars?
- What kind of fool
do you take me for?
- 10 dollars.
- (Mumbles).
- Too kind, sir.
- I think that's stupid.
I mean, you just
gave him, who's that?
- That's Willie Tyler.
- Where's he going?
- Oh, Wilt Chamberlain's house.
I'm his barber.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, but it's time for
one of my sneeze impressions.
- Oh, bless you.
- No not yet, wait a second.
A motorcycle sneezing, okay?
- Motorcycle sneezing.
(sneezes)
Bless you.
- Hey, where you
going this time?
- Back to Wilt
Chamberlain's house.
He wants a shoeshine.
(audience laughing)
- That makes
perfect sense to me.
- Well it would.
Let's get out of
here before some,
- Do you believe
in divine goodness?
- I guess so, yeah.
- Well sure.
- Oh good.
Do you believe, therefore,
in the power and glory
of external influence?
The eternal comfort
of heavenly rest?
- Oh, you bet.
- Oh good.
Would you mind
taking over my route
while I sneak out for a belt?
- I'll give you a
belt right here.
There's a cotillion
at (mumbles) tonight
We're gonna dance
til dawn's early light
If our propriety's
gone with the breeze
Frankly, Ms. Scarlet,
I don't give a sneeze
What is the news
across the whole nation
We have got the
whole information
In a way that
sets us to giggling
Parasols fluttering,
petticoats wiggling
We simply love and
adore to give you our views
Fiddle dee dee,
great balls of fire
Laugh In looks at the news
with Richard and Dan, yeah
- [Announcer] And
now The Laugh In News
with the Paris Peace Talks,
untranslatable income taxes,
very hatable (mumbles)
figure, quite inflatable,
and Mayor (mumbles),
undebatable.
- Here's tonight's headlines.
Mickey Rooney injured,
stubs nose on waste basket.
- Ralph Nader furious as
President of General Motors
suffers an amnesia attack
and is unable to recall anything.
- Richard Penniman,
inventor of carbon paper,
today disappeared
without a trace.
- I can't wait to hear that one.
And here now with news
of the present is Dick.
- John Lindsey, Mayor
of New York City,
complained again today
about receiving repeated
obscene phone calls.
The mayor said, "It's horrible.
Every time I pick up a phone,
I hear a low, throaty voice
whispering, 'Nelson
Rockefeller, Nelson Rockefeller.'"
Hollywood, California,
Cedars of Lebanon Hospital,
medical history was made
today when world renowned
female impersonator,
Jim Bailey, gave birth
to a seven pound, nine ounce.
(audience laughing)
- Seven pound, nine ounce what?
- They don't know yet.
And now, with news of
the future, where's Dan?
- [Dan] No, that's here's Dan.
- Oh, thank you.
You want to tell Dan to
do the news of the future?
- Berkeley, California, 20
years from today this morning,
Tiny Tim's son
graduated from college.
And when asked if
he planned to follow
in his father's footsteps, he
replied that he wasn't sure.
He then picked up
his shopping bag,
and flew up into the
top of the nearest tree.
News of the future, 20 years
from now rolling right along.
Scientists have analyzed
every cargo of rocks and dirt
taken from the moon
since Apollo One.
And now, with the delivery
of the 12 thousandth
load of material,
scientists have discovered
that the moon is gone.
Here's the future 20 years
from now, Madrid, Spain.
Famous Spanish toreador,
Frederico De Cordova
thrilled the crowds today
as he entered the ring
wearing a sequined
jacket, a chartreuse sash,
puce pants, and began making,
- [Dick] What was that again?
- He began making,
- [Dick] You had me
with the puce pants.
- Well, (audience laughing)
he began making
outrageous passes at the bull.
(audience laughing)
- You'll have to
learn to straighten up
on those serious items.
And now to our down east
sports caster, Jud Strunk,
with the game of the week
from Farmington, Maine,
the sports capital of America.
- Hey there.
This is Jud Strunk, your
announcer from up here
in Farmington, Maine,
sports capital of the world,
bringing you the biggest
thing since Harvey Boynton sold
smoke glasses at
the eclipse of the sun.
A sport called the stick catch.
It's a beauty.
Now, game of the week,
what this fellow's gotta do
laying on the foam rubber
is give himself a push up,
put that pole across
them two bars,
grab that big stick,
land on his feet,
and head her out backwards.
We think he can do it.
(whistle blows)
There he goes.
Right up and over the
bar, he put it right back,
he's landed, he's got the stick,
and he's running backwards,
and that is Dwight Newton
doing all he can to cut her off.
He's coming right
up on the finish.
I think he's got it.
And this is Jud
Strunk broadcasting
from the capital of the world,
Farmington, Maine sports.
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Now the medical news
with Dr. Martha Welby.
- The government
is doing it's part
to advance medical research.
For instance, the United
States Surgeon General's Office
has just announced
that they have discovered
a definite connection
between cigarettes smoking
and invisible weaving.
- Here's a special
report from a man
who's outstanding in his field.
- Here I am, out
standing in my field.
- Well I told you he was
outstanding in his field.
- In Hollywood, many
restaurants have a practice
of naming dishes
after famous celebrities.
Recently, a restaurant
in Washington
began the same thing
with political figures.
- May I help you?
- Yes, what kind of
soups do you have today?
- We have two kinds of soup.
We have the Jack Anderson,
and the Richard Nixon.
The first is security leek,
and the second
is perfectly clear.
- Oh don't you have the
Cline Dean soup anymore?
- No, we had to take that out.
We found a bug in it.
(audience laughing)
Now for salad, may I recommend
the LBJ Heavy Hearts of Lettuce?
It comes with a
delicious vinegar
and oil depletion dressing.
- Oh miss, I'd like to
have something to drink,
but I don't want anymore
of that Hubert Humphrey
Pleased As Punch.
- Then let me bring
you our delicious IT&T.
- What do you have
for main courses?
- Well, the main courses
you have a choice
between the Martha
Mitchell Tongue Sandwich,
the Welfare Meatloafers
with a side order of
Ku Klux Clams, or the
Congressional Special.
- Congressional Special?
What's that?
- Bologna.
(audience laughing)
Oh, we also have a
Defense Budget Steak,
but you can't cut it.
You have to swallow
the whole thing.
- And what's for dessert?
- I'm sorry to say, all we
have is H Rap Brownies.
- It said on the menu you
have the Vietnamese Delight.
- Yeah, it's a very sad thing
about the Vietnamese Delight.
We've had so
much trouble with it,
no one can ever finish
it and it's very expensive.
Matter of fact,
we're thinking of
withdrawing it from the menu.
(audience laughing)
- And now the
Senior Citizens' News.
- Copy boy.
(scoffs)
Come here, watch how it's done.
I know what like to
look at you (mumbles).
There's old news
tonight (chuckles).
Yes sir.
90 year old Wilbert
Thomas was arrested today
when he was discovered
lurking in the bushes
near the senior citizens' home.
He was wearing an ill fitting,
white, wrinkled jump suit.
He was released
when it was found
that Mr. Thomas
was in fact naked.
Naked as a jaybird.
So they rearrested
him for jaywalking.
(audience laughs)
- Now to Sydney, Australia
to talk to Mr. Harry Harris,
famous kangaroo boxer.
- Tell me, Harry.
What is the hardest part
of boxing a kangaroo?
- Well the hardest part
about boxing a kangaroo
is you've gotta get
the lid to stay down
after you've got the
kangaroo in the box
(audience laughing)
- Here are the
special news items.
The internationally known
columnist, Jim Bacon.
- Well it looks like Splitsville
for Mickey and Minnie Mouse.
It seems that Minnie's
new flame is the star
of that rat horror picture, Ben.
Reliable sources tell me
that they were seen together
at Chez Pierre Restaurant
nibbling away on Pierre.
(audience laughing)
- Now with Donna Jean
Young, with previews
of this week's television shows.
(giggling)
- Lassie tracks an escaped
convict from Houston
to the Rio Grande,
requiring the state troopers
to spread newspapers
all over Texas.
(audience laughing)
- What's the next
item, Donna Jean?
- On Bonanza, a wealthy
cattle baron discovers
his cattle aren't really
wealthy (giggles).
(audience laughing)
And finally (giggles), finally,
don't forget to watch
Ironsides Thursday
when he asks a girl
out on a date (giggles),
and she stands him up.
(audience laughing)
- This is Kelly
Owens reminding you
that 25 years ago on this date,
King Andrew the Stupid of
Romania gave up his throne
and ran off with a soup
spoon named Fred.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In look at the news
(applause)
- Hey Moosie, what
are you drawing?
- A picture of God.
- But no one knows
what God looks like.
- Now they will.
(audience laughing)
- I'm a nervous wreck.
Harry listen to me,
I'm just a housewife.
I can't go on for Gertrude.
- What do you mean?
You've seen this act
a thousand of times.
And as a matter of fact,
you know it inside and out,
and my gosh, Gertrude is sick.
And besides that, we'll
get fired if we don't do this.
(door knocking)
- [Man] You're on, Harry.
- Oh my gosh.
Here, here put these on.
Here.
- Harry, I'm so scared.
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
the circus proudly
presents Harry
and his trained seal, Gertrude.
- Thank you, thank you all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And come on in, girl.
Come on, that's a good girl.
(audience laughing)
That's a good girl.
(grunting)
Now you can do
it, that's a good girl.
Oh nevermind, just
get right up there.
How about that,
ladies and gentlemen?
(grunting)
Here's some fish, girl.
There you go.
Good girl.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Gertrude will play God
Bless America on the horn.
Hit it, Gertrude.
You can do it.
(horns honking)
(applause)
Oh, beautiful.
Wasn't that wonderful?
Here's another fish, girl.
- I don't want
anymore fish, faerie.
- No, that's fish, Harry.
Take it.
That's a good girl.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
Gertrude will attempt a feat
that we always have here.
We always throw
the rings on the feet.
Or right on top of the head.
Are you ready, Gertrude?
(grunting)
That's a girl, that's a girl.
Here we go.
Ready?
How about that!
And there's another one.
Good girl.
(grunting)
What a wonderful thing.
Here's another bit of fish.
(audience laughing)
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for our grand finale,
Gertrude will attempt
a feat which no other trained
seal in the world can do.
She will dive from the top
of this 60 foot ladder, and
dive into this two foot pool.
(drum roll)
Yes, your mother
will be watching.
(grunting)
Yes, yes.
(mumbles), and she
will dive into this pool
with only a tiny bit
of fish for her reward.
Okay girl, you're doing fine.
Are you ready?
'Atta girl.
Okay now.
Go ahead and jump now.
(slide whistle)
(splash)
(applause)
It's just as well, I didn't
have anymore fish anyway.
(funky music)
- I understand they're
gonna have a series next year
about a detective who
gets wheeled around
in a washing machine.
- You're kidding.
What are they gonna call it?
- Ironsides.
(funky music)
- You know Dan, I've
got a German Polaroid.
- Well how's it work?
- When the picture's
ready it hollers at you.
(funky music)
(slapstick music)
(audience laughing)
- I'd join Women's Lib, but I
don't have anything to burn.
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear?
Nok and Gorga just
got engaged this week.
- Hey, that's great.
- Yeah, and you should
see the rock he gave her.
But she should be
better in a few days.
(audience laughing)
- 300 years ago today, the
Spanish explorer, Ponce De Leon,
discovered the Fountain
of Youth in Florida.
After drinking for an hour,
Ponce De Leon stood up and said,
"I have to go to the potty."
(audience laughing)
- Yes, may I help you?
- Yes, I'm looking
for Dr. Livingston.
- Oh just a minute, I'll check.
Is this him?
(audience laughing)
- No, I'm afraid not.
Thank you anyway.
(audience laughing)
- I just finished a movie
which had so many
naked love scenes in it,
we had to work six days
a week to finish it in time.
Although we never
worked on Sundays
due to the film's
religious theme.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my Lord.
Holy Toledo.
- Is there a doctor around?
- Excuse me, I'm a doctor.
Excuse me.
Alright, let's clear the area.
(audience laughing)
Give a yell, give a cheer,
give a look a Londoneer
'Cause it's time
for the big salute
Give a hoot, give a
hey, try a zippy up hurray
Move aside for the big salute
Boola boola ballyhoo
and boop boop be doo
Abba dabba scooby dooby
have we got some jokes and puns
Sure we've got
some jokes and puns
Rowan and Martin's Laugh
In salutes guns, guns, guns
Ready, aim, fire
Hit the drum, bring the band,
shout it out across the land
It's a salute, a
salute, a salute
A salute, a salute, a salute
It's a beaut, that's your boot
Have your twin
for the big salute
(applause)
- You know, some people
justify the possession of guns
with the argument that
a lot of great Americans
who lived in the past used guns.
- Well this is also
true of outhouses.
(audience laughing)
- I've got two 45 automatics
in my dresser drawer,
a 32 pistol under my pillow,
and a pearl handled snub
nosed 38 in my bathrobe pocket.
- Oh, what do you
need all that stuff for?
- To keep someone from
stealing my gun collection.
(audience laughing)
- If there were no guns,
would there be fewer hunters?
- No there'd be just as many,
but I guess they'd have
to roam through the woods
in groups and
beat up little rabbits.
(audience laughing)
- I always sleep with
a gun under my pillow
so when an intruder
crawls through
my bedroom window at
night, I can feel pretty safe
he won't chicken out.
- According to a survey,
there's a lot of people in America
who want gun control, but
there are some people with guns
that are holding it up.
(audience laughing)
- Sir, do you have any
comment on gun control?
- I certainly do.
I think that anyone
that wants to have a gun
should be allowed to own one.
- Thank you.
Oh, and what do
you do for a living?
- I own a funeral parlor next
to a liquor store in New York,
and business is booming.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
The loaded guns must
really be dangerous.
I mean, look how many
people are shot each year
by empty ones.
(audience laughing)
- Yes sir, can I help you?
- Yes, I'd like two
dozen pistols please,
six shotguns, three
submachine guns,
and 50,000 rounds of ammunition.
- [Officer] Okay Vatigan,
are you coming out
or do we have to
come in and get ya?
- Wait a minute!
I'm sorry, it seems I've
left my wallet at home.
- Oh, that's okay,
we can bill you.
(audience laughing)
- Okay coppers.
If you want me,
come in and get me.
- You know, hunting
animals in the woods
is not my husband's idea of fun.
What he likes to
do is get in a boat,
go out in the middle
of a lake (laughing),
and shoot fish.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know whether
I can follow that.
- You can.
- You know, I always carry
a gun hidden in my pocket
because I never know when
I might bump into some nut
who's also carrying a
gun hidden in his pocket.
(audience laughing)
- A friend of mine
has a pair of 38s.
And she gets so lonesome,
she gets so scared
going home at night,
she had to go out and by a gun.
(audience laughing)
- This is the mountain
goat I got with my rifle
up in Vancouver.
And this is the deer I bagged
with my shotgun in Bigser.
And this is the broad I
caught with my husband
in Central Park.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- My love.
Oh you look so
beautiful tonight.
How about a little kiss?
- No.
I just joined a
birth control club.
- What's a birth control club?
- This.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Tod, here's a letter
from Pearcy Shade
of Boston, age seven.
"Dear Moosie, my sister is
always hitting and kicking me."
- Dear Pearcy, you should
try to explain to your sister
the childishness of
her juvenile actions.
If that doesn't work, bite her.
(audience laughing)
- Sandwich.
Sandwich.
Sandwich.
- What do you want?
What do you want?
What do you want?
- I just wanted to tell you
that the people, you know,
I called them and they
said the TV repairman
will soon be here.
- Well why'd you do that, man?
Why'd you do that?
All you had to do was turn
on the Oral Roberts Show
and the TV would
have fixed itself.
(audience laughing)
- Come in, it's open.
- I'm from TV Repair, my
name's Patrick O'Reilly.
- O'Reilly?
Funny, you don't look drunk.
(audience laughing)
- You got a problem?
- Nothing a soul brother in
the White House couldn't fix.
- I think he's talking
about the television.
- Oh yeah, hey
why don't you fix it?
'Cause like, Sally Davis,
she's gonna be on
the Flip Wilson Show
(mumbles) got a special.
And they gonna rerun
the Ali/Frazier fight.
- Why don't you just leave
the color knob on brown?
(audience laughing)
- How'd you like
one across your lip?
(audience laughing)
- And now a fantastic
fanfare for the return of our
familiar and fabulous
friends, the Farkel Family.
We join them as
husband Frank says,
- I have some fantastic news.
Guess what we're going to have?
- Let me guess.
We're going to have fried
flounder and french fries.
- No, we're going
to have a baby.
- What?
- We're going to
have an infant, Ferd.
- Did you hear that, Frank?
We're going to
have an infant Ferd.
- Congratulations to you both.
- No, no, you and I are
going to have an infant, Frank.
I thought you had guessed.
After all, the fact is
staring you in the face.
Staring me in the
face, my dear Fannie?
Imagine my dear Fannie
staring me in the face.
We must find out
when the baby is due.
- Oh, well I've already
phoned the foremost physician
to furnish the physical facts.
- Hark, who can that be?
(doorbell rings)
(audience laughing)
- I am a foremost
physician recently phoned
to furnish the physical facts.
You are expecting me?
- No, we were expecting a baby.
- Well, I'm Physician
Phyllis Frost.
- Frank Farkel, Phyllis.
Fannie Farkel, Phyllis Frost.
Phyllis Frost, Ferd and her.
- Haaa!
- [Frank] Flicker Farkel.
And him.
- Yeah, baby.
- [Frank] Darkel Farkel.
- Yes friends,
Fannie is with Farkel.
Tune in next week,
when we'll hear Ferd say,
- And so ends another episode
in the Adventures of Bob
and Carol and Ted and Farkel.
- Farkel.
- Farkel.
- Farkel.
- Ferd.
- Good morning, sisters.
- Good morning, Father.
- This is National Amnesia
Day, so forget I told you.
- Oh Dick, do you
think that going to jail
for smoking marijuana
is a good idea?
- Oh no, they'd catch
you there for sure.
(funky music)
- I'm home.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, I
think the magic's gone
out of our marriage.
You just don't knock me
out the way you used to.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Why didn't you
take care of that
before you put on the suit?
(audience laughing)
- This is rapidly turning
into one of my favorite
parts of the show,
where we take questions
from the studio audience
about anything you'd like to
ask at all.
So if any of you
have any questions,
you just yell 'em out and
I'll be happy to answer
anything at all.
Just, I mean you
can ask questions
about the show, any question.
People on the show,
how we do the
show, what time it is,
any, any questions.
Here we go with another
stupid looking outfit.
- I don't know, it
wouldn't look so bad
if you changed the tie.
(audience laughing)
- I'm talking about that outfit.
- What's wrong with it?
- You look like you're standing
up inside an old buffalo.
- I beg your pardon.
I just had this made
for my new hobye.
- Hobby.
- Hobby. H O B Y E.
- You have a new hobby.
Let me guess.
You have taken up
sheep dip tasting.
- No, no, no, my dear Nanette.
- [Dan] That's not it?
- No sir, I had this made for
tramping through the woods
and enjoying the
splendors of the outdoors.
- Well why did you have
somebody make you a Viking outfit?
- A Viking outfit?
I told him to make
me a hiking outfit.
(audience laughing)
Gadzooks.
- How long have
you been interested
in the fruits of Mother Nature?
(audience laughing)
- I think we'd be a lot
safer going back talking
about this stupid
looking outfit.
- First time's I can remember
you being right today.
Tell me, (mumbles).
- Yes.
- Where do you plan
on hiking, Viking?
- Well, hiking Viking.
That's a good name for the kid.
(bell rings)
Tomorrow morning, I'm going
to hike across Death Valley.
- Death Valley.
- Then, in the afternoon
I'm gonna hike across Yuma.
- Wait a minute.
- And then, go to Denver,
turn left at Tucumcari.
What?
- You can't hike across
Death Valley in the morning.
- Why, is it closed?
- No it's not closed, you
don't have the right equipment.
- Are you kidding?
I made a list.
Let's see, I've got a canteen,
sleeping bag,
hunting knife, matches,
I've got my dark blue suit,
my brown and white shoes,
my collection of
Jerry Vale records.
- Wait, your Jerry Vale records?
You have on, - Sure.
Did you ever try to
get a Jerry Vrale record
in the middle of
the dessert valley?
- I never even tried to
get a Jerry Vale record,
much less a Jerry Vrale.
(audience laughing)
- Whoops, there's the -
I don't want to pay $100.
(laughing)
- Why, is the duck coming down?
(audience laughing)
- No it's already here.
What about food, are you
taking some beef jerky?
No, I'm taking some
chicken, dummy.
(audience laughing)
- Terrible.
What are you gonna, no
you're not gonna really go hiking
dressed like that.
- Of course not.
Dressed like this?
What, you think I'm stupid
enough to walk across
Death Valley in a Viking outfit?
- Of course not.
- Just between you and me,
I don't know what Vikings do.
- Oh yeah?
- I have never seen anyone vike.
I know I've never viked myself.
Although there was
one night in Milwaukee.
(audience laughing)
- You're beginning to look
more like Groucho all the time.
(laughing)
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- If you'll shut up a minute,
I'll tell you about the Vikings.
Because they were
very notorious people.
- Yeah?
- Well, they were notorious
for attacking villages,
and running off with
the young girls, and
- Whoa ho ho.
(horn blares)
(applause)
- What'd you do last night?
- Oh, I watched a movie
in the rumpus room
with a cute boy
that lives next door.
- Oh.
What was playing?
- Everybody.
- Oh look.
It's the girl in 38D.
- There's no apartment 38D.
- I'm not talking
about her apartment.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I just moved in.
- You certainly did.
- Listen, I really think
I'm gonna like living here,
but don't you get
bored with all these guys
hanging around all the time?
- Wow, boy I sure do.
I mean, those guys
hanging around
are really an awful problem.
- I never noticed any
boys hanging around here.
- That's the problem.
(audience laughing)
Once I lived in a one room flat
With a TV set and a nervous cat
And I never met a solitary soul
Once we lived in our modest pads
With our needlepoint
and our moms and dads
And the lack of fun
began to take it's toll
Then one day we found what
being what being smart meant
When we found this
fabulous apartment
Swingin' singles,
swingin' singles
Everybody mixes and mingles
When you leave
your work a day labors
You can have a ball
with your neighbors
Little friendships
start to flower
When you share this happy hour
In a swingin' single that swings
Every night it's like a party
But the party never ends
Every door is always open
It's great when you
make new friends
Playing tennis, and at swim time
Take a sauna,
hurry it's gym time
Doing laundry, nobody shovin'
A communal permanent love in
First the moonlight,
then the marriage
Then a home, and
maybe a carriage
In a swingin' single that swings
You hear the
wedding bells jingle
In a swingin' single that swings
Call the landlord
In a swingin' single that swings
(applause)
- Will the commissary manager
who devised the (inaudible)
food idea for the Universal
Studio dining room
please report to Mr. Weinstein
in the Administration Building?
(audience laughing)
- Here's a letter
from a BJ, who writes,
"Dear Moosie, I'm a boy.
I am 12 years old, and
I just learned all about
the birds and the bees.
What do I do now?"
- Gee, I really don't know.
I think maybe you just try to
make friends with a sparrow.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like some
information please.
- The capital of
California is Sacramento.
- Oh thanks very much.
(audience laughing)
- Happy days are here again.
- I just finished a movie
with lots of nude love scenes.
In fact, when I asked
for my wardrobe,
they gave me a jar of Noxzema.
(audience laughing)
- Quiet on the set.
Laugh In Story, take one.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Bob Hope please,
this is his mother.
(audience laughing)
Hello, Hope.
This is your mother Marianne.
You got your nose
from your father Hope.
(laughing)
Fine thanks, but
I want to tell you
everything's okay here at
home except our kitchen sink.
Boy, I haven't seen
anything back up that fast
since Senator Muskie got
the results from the primary.
(audience laughing)
And how about that Cros?
But seriously, I talked
to Bing's mother today.
Poor old girl broke her leg
when she tripped over
a bale of 10 dollar bills.
(audience laughing)
And how about
your plastic surgeon?
I ran into him the other day,
and you know he still has
the brick and the snow shovel
that he used on your nose.
(audience laughing)
Well that's it for now, Hope.
Remember the words of
Spiro Agnew who once said,
"Drag that guy out of here,
I want to hit another one."
(audience laughing)
Good night son, let's
hear it for your mother.
Hit it, Les.
(applause)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- I've come to fix
your dish washer.
- Ah, just a moment.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
Here you are.
Do try to have
her back by Friday.
(audience laughing)
One of the parts is very rusty.
(funky music)
- I have a friend whose race
horse has a split personality.
- Oh that's unusual.
What happened to him?
- He came in first and third.
(funky music)
- Sebi, you know, of course,
that Chicago has a Mayor Daley?
- Yes, yes.
And Los Angeles has
a mayor occasionally.
(funky music)
- Well, that's about it.
It's time to wrap it up.
- Oh don't worry, little Dy,
I'll make sure there's air
holes for you to breathe.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no, come on, Dick.
I'm talking about wrapping
up the show, not Dyan.
- You make your
bundles, I'll make mine.
(audience laughing)
- I really had a ball.
- And the night is young.
- Yeah, but you aren't,
so forget about it.
Hey, we're gonna
have a ball next week.
So take a look, Dyan,
see what we're gonna have.
(slide whistle)
- [Announcer] There's our
guest star, William Conrad.
Get a load of these candy oh's.
Bob Crane.
- Ah, he was paroled yesterday.
- [Announcer] Nanette Fabray.
- Sign language.
- [Announcer] Henry Mancini.
And Alexis Smith.
- First suspect you
were losing the war.
- [Announcer] And there's
Dan and what's his name.
(cackling)
- Hey Donna, did you hear about
the Freud Museum in
Vyenna catching fire?
- [Man] That's Vienna.
- Yeah, Vienna.
Yeah, his dreams
went all up in smoke.
(audience groans)
- Hey Ruthie, did you
hear about the strip teaser
who joined Women's Lib?
- No, Dyan (laughs).
- She burned her pasties.
- A friend of mine
has a rotary engine car
and he ran into a milk truck.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- I know, before he
could switch the engine off
it made 40 gallons
of whipped cream.
(audience laughing)
- Dennis, my boyfriend
just made a big killing
in the stock market.
- Oh well how'd he do it?
- He strangled his broker.
- Hey, who lives deep in a lake,
and is only seen once in awhile,
and drives a big, black car?
- I don't know, who?
- The Loch Ness Undertaker.
(groaning)
- Listen, what do you get
if you cross Spiro Agnew
and Billy Graham with a chicken?
- [Everyone] What?
- Two right wings and a prayer.
- Speaking of Billy Graham,
I see where he's taking
up horseback riding.
- Another sermon on the mount.
- Jud, Jud, did you know that
my wife buys all my clothes?
Well I'd better see her,
I've been taking all mine
to the Salvation Army.
- Hey Sarah?
- Yeah?
- I hear that New York City
is the dirtiest
city in the world.
- Yeah, I heard yesterday's
ballgame was called
on account of soot.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, Dick, Dick,
I have a question.
It's been bothering me.
When nudists lock
their automobile,
what do they do
with their car keys?
(audience laughing)
Hey Will, I hear your
girlfriend got poison ivy.
- Yup, and tonight I'm
going up to see her itching.
- Bryan.
- What?
- How would you toast
the Queen of England?
- Well, til she was
dark on the outside.
- Hey Dan, what do you
get if you put Toady Fields
in an upper bunk?
- Something I don't want.
(audience laughing)
- Dan, Dan, what do you
get if you put Toady Fields
in an upper bunk?
- I don't know, what?
- Toady Fields in a lower bunk.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dyan, I loved you in Bob
and Carol and Ted and Allen.
- Oh that's nice, thank
you, but you know,
I've done a lot more since then.
- You have?
(audience laughing)
- It's time to say good night.
- Only one thing puzzled
me about that picture.
- What's that?
- Well, who got
to put out the cat?
(audience laughing)
- Good night, Dyan.
- Good night.
Good night.
- You know if it were up to me,
I'd insist on drawing straws.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(applause)
- Good night, Richard.
The third.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night, Bob.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
And good night to you, Richard.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dan.
- You're supposed to
say good night, Dick.
- Man, to me
they all look alike.
(audience laughing)
- Good night, Dick.
(slapstick music)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)