Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 19 - Episode #6.19 - full transcript
(bell dings)
(bell dings)
(crash)
- Welcome, Reverend
Roberts, it's a real pleasure
to have you with us.
- Well, I'm glad to be here.
- You know, Reverend
Roberts, you're a religious man.
What do you think of the stage
play, Jesus Christ Superstar?
- I enjoyed it very much,
but I like the book
a whole lot better.
- Before my plastic surgery,
I used to wear one of those
medical alert bracelets that
said in case of an accident,
please don't take me to a
veterinarian, I am a person.
- Lisa here at the Whoopie
Indian Reservation.
This week, Laugh-In
has me taking a survey
among the Whoopie Indians.
You should have been here today.
One of the Indian mothers
forget to take her papoose pills
and now she's got
one little, two little,
three little Indians.
Four little, five little,
six little Indians.
Whoopie.
- Frank, where'd I
make my mistake?
- Well, remember when
we spotted that enemy ship?
- Yeah?
- You said take her down
to 100 feet and level off.
- Yeah.
- You're not supposed to
do that with an aircraft carrier.
(cringes)
- Great guns, what is that?
- That's clear broth.
- It tastes like soap.
- Soap?
Oh shoot, then this
must be the clear broth.
- My wife spends all
her time at the office.
I mean, all she cares
about is her work.
- How many times have I told you
not to bother me at the office?
- You hold him down,
I'll get the instruments
and pull it out.
(man screams)
There, it's out.
- What time is it?
- Who wants to know?
- O'Shanassy.
- O'Shanassy wants to know.
Well the big spud is on the two
and the little spud
is on the three.
- Good, have you ever...
- I just finished my
spring house cleaning.
It took this long because
it was the spring of '57.
(baby cries)
- Huh.
- Honey, would you
change the baby?
- Sure, sure.
- Thank you.
- Yep, excuse me.
Heck, come on.
- Every woman should
use a special fragrance
to suit her
ever-changing personality.
For example, when I was a
little younger, I used My Sin.
Now that I'm more mature,
I rely heavily on perfume.
- Now then, where does it hurt?
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In (applause)
- Hey, hey, hey!
Oh my, oh!
- That's, don't over do...
- Oh!
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- I need earplugs.
- Just a moment,
ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's special guests.
- The lovely and very
talented, Miss Phyllis Diller.
- Phyllis Diller!
- Whoo-Hoo!
(applause)
- [Rowan] Miss Phyllis Diller!
- [Martin] You look great.
- Phyllis, that's a
beautiful dress you
have on this evening.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I really love it.
- Yes.
- You know, it was
made especially for me
by your wardrobe department.
- Is that right?
- Oh...
- And you know,
I'd like to keep it.
- Sweetheart, if you
want that dress, it's yours.
- Why, I'll even have
one of the stage hands
put it in a box for ya.
- Oh, how nice.
- Hey, Lou, put this
in a box for Miss Diller.
Ooooh!
- It's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin!
With guest star, Phyllis Diller.
Cameo appearances by
Reverend Oral Roberts,
Paul Gilbert and Michael Greer.
Plus, Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah
Kennedy, Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and
Lester, Lisa Farringer,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this word
for those who
suffer from insomnia,
could you wake me up
tomorrow morning at seven?
My alarm clock
doesn't work, thank you.
- My name is Elvira
Kootch of Des Moines, Iowa
and I recently bought
myself a Shell, no-pest, strip.
Huh, and I just like
to say, that it works
wonders, because since
I put it up, not one shell
has pestered me.
Even when I strip.
(spring boing)
(slide whistle)
(thud)
(spring boing)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Yeah!
- Thank you!
- Whoo!
- Thank you very much.
- Whoo!
- And a rousing good evening
to everybody.
Well, what would
you like to talk about?
- Well, whatever
it is make it short.
- Okay.
- I have to go
to my first public exhibition.
- Oh, I don't think
this is the time
to discuss your
rather peculiar habits.
- Well, I scoff if you will.
- Okay.
- But I happen to be a painter.
- A painter?
- And they're having a showing
of my paintings tonight.
- Well, I'm a collector myself,
do you have any
pictures with you?
- Yes, I happen to bring
along my latest works.
Lisa, would you
give me the works?
Thank you.
- A rather large one.
- Oh, isn't it though?
- Yes.
- Wait a minute, I'll
put it on the aisle.
- A easel. _ Easel, excuse me.
- Okay.
- There, now wait a minute.
- I can't wait to see it now.
- All right.
Now, all right, you ready?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Hope you don't strain
your muscle now that...
That line doesn't fit anymore.
- No, you could...
- She's already gone,
isnt' she?
- Yes, she didn't strain
any muscles, now you
want her to go the next line.
- I guarantee ya, all
right, but I got a line
to close this whole place out.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey!
- Excuse me, close your eyes.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
- Whoop, now you
may open them, huh?
- May I close them again?
Now, let me ask
you this, maestro.
- [Martin] Yeah?
- When you start to paint
something like this, do
you form a mental image
of specific patterns
or do you improvise
within a certain pigment
with those abstractions
which seem to permeate
your subconscious?
I'm waiting for an answer.
- I'm waiting for the question.
- Well, let me put this,
exactly what are you trying for
with this painting?
- Well, I was trying for 75
bucks, but I'll settle for 30.
- No, no, what...
- I'll throw in the frame.
- No, Dick, what is this
picture supposed to represent?
- This picture shows
how our destiny is eternity.
- I don't see where
it shows that at all.
- Well, then it's a grasshopper.
- That's a...
- Right here.
- While listening to any of
the jokes on tonight's show,
bite down hard on a
piece of plastic hose.
It will slow the tears
and quiet you a little.
Thank you and thank you FM.
- Just think, confined for
20 years in this position
without being able to move.
- Well, maybe they'll give us
some time off for good behavior.
- I'll bet that'll be good,
I hope you didn't go
over the food budget.
- Nope, I didn't, I know
how much you like chicken,
so, I got some of the
less expensive parts.
Feathers. (maniacal laughter)
I'd knew you'd
be tickled with it.
- It's me, Lisa, here
with the Whoopie Indians
and I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.
My first day here, I got an
obscene smoke signal, whoopie!
(bell dings)
(bell dings)
(silence)
- Hey, you know,
maybe a passing ship
will see your shirt tied to
the mass, and pick us up.
- Yeah it could happen,
I'd better take it down.
- Yeah.
- I've had my face
lifted so many times,
I have to climb a
ladder to blow my nose.
Ha ha ha.
- I first learned how to do
Bette Davis in the Air Force.
I was stationed in Korea
for 10 and a half months
and the only
record I had with me
was a record of impressions,
so, for 10 and half months,
I played that record and
in 10 and a half months,
I learned how to do Bette Davis.
In 10 and a half months
my whole squadron
learned how to do Bette
Davis and many mornings
we would have drill call
and the Colonel
would say, "attention!"
We even had a lot of
fun with the impression.
It'll keep you out of the army.
It's very easy to do, you
know, you can learn it
in about 30 seconds.
I'll just take the time
if you don't mind.
To get Bette Davis, you have
to have the eyes, the voice,
the walk, and the mouth.
Of course, if you get the
eyes, sure it sounds like a lot,
but it's not, but
to get the eyes,
you have to think thyroid.
Which means, your mouth
automatically snaps in like hers.
It's dynamic tension
and you can only do it for
about a minute or you faint.
The look of it is
like you've just been
reversed with an
electric cattle prod.
So, once you have that,
you just need the voice.
Well, Ms. Davis bites
her words when she talks,
sort of chops the air,
karate mouth, one might say.
It comes out like,
"what a dump".
But if you can rev that
up a Wayne Newton,
then you get, "what a dump!"
Now, that you have that,
you just need the walk.
And the walk is especially
simple if you drink
because you just need a
brandy snifter in this hand
and a brandy
snifter in that hand
and as you warm it, you walk.
- Yes?
- We're taking a census.
How many in this monastery?
- Well, there were 300,
but one fell in the fire place.
- 299 friars, one broiled.
- It's not nice to
fool Mother Nature.
(low rumble)
- Extra, extra, read all
about how the president
causes taxes, extra!
- I'll take one of those.
- Wait a minute,
there's nothing in here.
- Don't complain to me,
complain to the president.
Extra, extra!
- Now, do like I told
ya, no funny business.
- Hello, dear, I've
been kidnapped again.
This one wants 500,000 dollars.
- What he'd say?
- He's still laughing.
Well, okay, I'll ask him.
Listen, he says the best he
can do is nine Hershey bars
and our old lawnmower.
- That's ridiculous.
- If I were you, I'd take it.
The last time I was kidnapped,
the guy had to pay him
25 bucks to take me back.
- Well, I'm not gonna do it.
Ten.
- They're stating a
new thing in church.
Now you can
consolidate all your sins
and make just one
monthly payment.
(laughs) Please.
- My mother told
me that she got me
a little brownie
on the Girl Scouts.
I told mama, to give her a
cookie and send her to my room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello, operator?
- [Operator] Yes, sir?
- I'd like to call Chicago.
- [Operator] Well, go ahead.
- Chicago, Chicago!
- [Operator] Feel better now?
- Shakespeare said
all the world's a stage
and all the men and
women are players.
Well, if that's true, the
least we can do is try
to stay on good terms
with the producer.
- The Little Sir
Echo story, take one
one-one-one-one-one-one.
(knock at door)
- Come in!
Can I help you, sir?
- Oh, I'm Laverne Blossum.
- Oh, that's a shame,
what are you taking for it?
- I'm in film.
- Well, I can see that.
Have you tried steel wool?
I think that'll get it off.
- Miss Diller, I'm
tired of movies.
- Ugh, so am I, I haven't
seen a good one in months.
- And I want to go into a
nightclub act as a comic.
I thought maybe you
could give me a joke.
- Sure thing, what
blast, now listen carefully.
Yesterday, a guy said
he spent all day fishing
and he didn't get a bite.
So, I bit him. (laughs)
- Oooh, oh, I'm so
sorry to hear about that.
But I really need a joke.
- Uh-huh.
You don't understand,
that was the joke.
- Of course.
- See, when he said
he didn't get a bite,
he meant a fish bite.
(laughs)
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, not yet, you're
in too soon again.
That's not the joke
- Oh, of course.
- Now look,
you pretend that you're a comic
and that there's
an audience here.
Now, and you tell that joke.
- Okay.
- Wait a minute, wait now,
the footwork is not
really necessary.
- Oh.
- If you could get
it all together in one spot.
- All together, wonderful.
Don't worry.
- Yes.
- Good evening,
ladies and germs.
This unfortunate
individual failed in his efforts
to catch a fish, so,
Miss Diller bit him!
- No, I didn't bite
him, you bit him.
- Oh, oh you want
me to bite him?
- Exactly, now here,
try it on my manager.
- Oh, of course.
- Yes.
- Oh, (crunch)
(pain-filled scream)
- Oh, oh, it's wonderful,
a marvelous act.
(pain-filled scream)
Oh, yes, yes, I'm
getting screams.
Oh, blessed stage.
(spring bounce)
(slide whistle)
(intense funk music)
We are the beautiful people
Aren't we chic, slim and sleek
We are the beautiful people
Getting 'round, jetting 'round.
We are indolent classes,
wearing dark glasses,
Meeting our losses
We are the vacuous
asses, flying to and fro
Oh, we are the beautiful people
In the swim, tan and trim
We are the beautiful people
Dropping names, making claims
We are the fabulous creatures
Spreading our features
over the beaches
We are the incredible
leeches everywhere we go
So, it's a lunch with Capote
Brunch with Vidal
We're meeting
Garbo today, ha ha ha
Tonight, we dine with Fellini
Wine with Krapho
Nightcaps with Grayson Revoir
Isn't simply heaven
We are the beautiful people
Here and there, everywhere
We are the beautiful people
Up and down, town to town
We are society
beauties Millioniare cuties
Jackies and Moodies
We're all doing our duties
Spending all our dough
Oh, we are the beautiful people
Out of breath, bored to death
We are the beautiful people
Caviar, bulbizarre
We are society darlings
Aggies and ollies
Getting our jollies
We're always perfumed,
boffed, and pearled
We are the people, the
beautiful, beautiful people
We are the ugliest
beautiful people in the world
- Being rich isn't everything,
for instance money
can't buy love.
- Well, as Joey Louis used to
say, you give me a few dollars
and I'll do my own shopping.
- Mommy, daddy!
- What's a matter, son?
- Oh, it's that boat you bought
me for the bathtub, daddums.
- Well, what's
the matter with it?
- The men aboard
it, don't wanna play.
- I know a jet-setter
who's had her face lifted
so many times, she really
does talk through her head.
- Well, it'll be April,
you know, tax time soon.
What kind of shape are you in?
- Well, I think my taxes
will be substantially
lower this year
because of the house I bought.
- What house was that?
- The House of Representatives.
- You know you're rich
when at a restaurant
you put your leftover
food in a doggy bag
and go home and then
actually give it to the dog.
- You know,
darling, I can't decide
whether to go to Palm
Beach or Cannes, Bermuda,
of just stay here in New York.
- Don't make a big thing
of it, Richard, it's just love.
- I read about this
millionaire that simply travels
everywhere in her own jet plane.
- [Woman] Mmm-hmm.
- Which must be
quite a problem when she's
just going to the bathroom.
- [Man] Terrific.
- This is the Chateau
Lafite '64 you ordered, sir.
- Oh, fine.
Oh, it's excellent, thank you.
- Now, then, sir, what would
you and the madam like to eat?
- Oh, I'll have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich
and she'll have a hamburger
with all that gunk on it.
- Oy, any man who says that
money can't buy happiness,
has never been in
Tijuana on a Saturday night.
- Daddy.
- Hello, baby sister.
- Hi, I'd like to
see movie tonight.
- Aw, sure, sweetheart.
- [Ed] Yeah, CJ?
- Howdy, Ed, how y'all?
Listen, I want you to run down
and buy that Bijou Theater.
Show Sally Jane whatever
movie she wants to see.
- [Ed] Right, CJ.
- Thank you, daddy
- You got it, kid.
- Hi, dad.
- Oh, yeah, howdy.
- Can I see the Rams and
Packers football game tomorrow?
- [Ed] Yeah, CJ?
- Howdy, Ed, how ya been?
Listen, I want you
to call Green Bay
and the Los Angeles team
and buy their football teams.
Have them fly down here tomorrow
to play a game out in
the backyard for junior.
- [Ed] Right, CJ.
- Hello there, darling,
wouldn't it be lovely
if you just stayed home tonight
and together we'll
just snuggle by the fire
and then maybe later we...
- [Ed] Yes, CJ?
- Howdy, Ed, listen,
can you come in and...
- Nevermind, I'll wait
'til the Green Bay
Packers get here tomorrow.
- I ran into a black
millionaire the other day
at a restaurant.
I could tell he was rich,
he ordered watermelon
on the glass.
- I know a jet-set woman
who went to one of those
exclusive fat farms to
reduce and it worked.
When she came out,
she was $20,000 lighter.
- Daddy, daddy, guess what?
- What is it, dear?
- I just won a trip
around the world
at Rockefeller's drug store.
- Really, how'd you do that?
- I guessed how many poor
people that were in a bowl.
- I know a man who's so wealthy
that instead of going
to Europe every year
he sends for it.
- Darling, you're one of the
richest men in the country,
now what in the world would
you wanna go into politics for?
- Well, because, as the
governor of this state,
I'll be able to do something
for those poor peoples
who live in the terrible
tenements in the ghetto.
(laughs)
- Now what makes you think
that you know so
much about the ghettos?
- Well, I ought to, I
own most of them.
- I know a guy who's so rich,
he has a chauffeur-driven
race horse.
- Where are the
children, my dear?
- They're playing
in the west wing.
- I must speak with them.
Operator, give me long-distance.
- We'll take good care of
your Rolls Royce, ma'am.
Now, besides a lube-job, do
you want us to wash and wax it?
- Oh, no, no, just a
Champagne rinse, please.
- I know a man who came
from humble beginnings,
today he's a millionaire.
His father owns the
Unbloyal Company.
- Some of my beautiful
people are often a little eccentric
and leave their
fortunes to their pets.
- You know, when
my old mistress died,
she left me her entire fortune.
- Mine too, at last I can afford
everything I always wanted.
As a matter of fact, I
just had plastic surgery.
- Why?
- Well, I'm no spring chicken.
(laughs) You ever notice
how the skin of a plucked
chicken has gooesbumps?
- Yeah?
- Well, I had mine removed.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- And my husband
had a beak job too.
- You're kidding.
- Everything turned out fine
except now he's got laryngitis
and his
cock-a-doodle-do doesn't.
(laughs)
- Funny way
it pays to have money,
you know, the first thing I did
with mine was to
buy a Rolls Royce.
- You drive it?
- No, I chase it!
(laughs) Hey, how
about coming home
to have dinner with me tonight?
We're having chicken. (laughs)
We are the beautiful people
Eat and run, ain't it fun
We are the beautiful people
Shipped to shore, what a bore
We are society dandy
Drinking our brandy
Eating at Andy's
We're always suit
and cinched and curled
We are the ugliest
beautiful people in the world
- You know, there's a
phrase that's sort of religious
that comes to mind when I hear
Laugh-In's been on for
six years, holy mackerel.
- This kitchen is
an absolute mess.
- Look at this way, least
it goes with the food.
- Hi, Lisa again at the
Whoopie Indian Reservation.
I just had a date with the
tribe's leader, Sitting Whoopie.
What a pow-wow and
all this time I thought
the super chief
was a train, whoopie.
(slide whistle)
- Phyllis, you're
a really good sport
talking about your
facelift all the time.
I must say you look great.
- Yeah, how much did they lift?
- Well, you see this
dimple on my forehead?
- Mmm-Hmm - That used to be
my bellybutton. (laughs)
- That's a lift.
- I don't know what to do, I
have to get a 138 presents
for next Sunday.
- Why is that?
- Well, they're holding
a priest convention
and it's Father's Day.
- Faith can heal many things,
but this show
hasn't got a prayer.
(multiple squeaks)
(animal growl)
(screams of joy)
We're the Gabby Can-Can Girls
All the way from France
You will flipsy, well, or wink
When we do the dance.
Oh Oh Oh Ooooooh
Once we do the
coronation, whoo-hoo
We are going to improvisation
All the way, that's so amusing
Kicking, swirling,
screaming, bruising
We would love to
give you all the news
We are la-la, the
cute and the damned
Seal off the notes with the news
With Dick and Dan, yay
- [Gary] And now the Laugh-In
News with Bill Schumacher
nipped at the wire, Dean
Martin getting higher,
Clifford Irving
looking for a fire,
and Harold Stassen
beginning to tire
And here's Dan and
Dick with the news.
- But first, these
news headlines.
- Ralph Nooder...
- [Rowan] Nader.
- Nader, uh, goes to
Congress to check on
problem of absenteeism, can't
find anyone around to talk to.
- Hecklered acupuncture
convention is arrested
for needling the speakers.
- Head of blood bank
denies paternity suit,
says girl is not his type.
- And now here's Dick
with news in the present.
- Cat sit mole.
- [Rowan] What does that say?
- Can sit mole.
- What do you suppose
can sit mole means?
- I don't know,
but I had a large tube
of it in my medicine kit.
- No, Kansas City.
- Oh, they moved it.
- Kansas City..
- Kansas City, Missouri.
- Good.
- I got it.
News in the present,
Kansas City mole.
- [Rowan] Go on.
- Raoul May Hedgemond.
Make that Raoulo May
Hedgemond, famous circus performer,
known for diving from
a small platform 300 feet
above the ground
into a glass of water,
missed a performance today,
he missed at the performance
and was killed instantly.
Funeral services will be
held tomorrow at Forest Lawn
where Mr. Hedgemond
will be folded and laid to rest
in a sandwich bag. (laughs)
- [Rowan] Just keep going.
- While entertaining
the inmates of San
Quentin Prison, today...
(laughs) Jill St. John
was taken hostage.
- It's not against the law
to read these before you
go on the air, you know?
- Oh, I'm fine,
thank you. (laughs)
- I'll go back and
read, reiterate.
- Okay, how come
you can say reiterate,
but you can't say Ralph Nader?
- [Martin] Because it's
written on my sloove,
- Oh, sleeve.
- While entertaining the inmates
at San Quentin prison today
Jill St. John was taken hostage.
Warden Gonzales
said in the whole history
of San Quentin prison,
this is the first time
a hostrage...
- [Rowan] Hostage.
(laughs)
- Make that hostage,
was being held
prisoner by the guards.
And now with the
future news, here's Dean.
- [Rowan] Dan.
- Dan.
- [Martin] Surely.
- No, no, no.
- [Martin] Harriet?
- Wait a minute.
- Fred.
- News of the future,
20 years from today,
here's further news
from Warden Gonzales
at San Quentin Prison.
He told reporters today
that he was still negotiating
with the prison guards and
he feels that Miss St. John
will be released some
time in the near future.
After all, enough
is enough. (laughs)
Oh, boy, who said
he wasn't quick.
News from the future,
20 years from now,
the Supreme Court has
finally relaxed obscenity laws
and the three top shows
on television are now
Love Any Style, Motel Room 222,
and Bridget Loves Bernie,
Philip, Warren, Roger.
- Bernard, and here is Heavy
Helen with the far-out news.
- Hey, it's Heavy Helen
with the far-out news.
One of those sensitivity experts
showed up at the commune
the other day and like he
said that like he wanted us
to have a nude group therapy
session, but we said no.
I mean, man, like we figured
that as long as he was there,
we might as well do something
a little different, right on.
- Here's nationally known
television columnist, Mortin Moss,
with tonight's Hollywood item.
- Mark Spitz, now a familiar
TV personality around Hollywood
has been seen
frequently in the company
of Olympic swim
star, Shane Gould.
The two date frequently and
are often seen having lunch
in such smart places
as Los Angeles Harbor,
Marine Land, and Lake Mead.
- And now, Vito
Baboon with the bald...
- [Rowan] Basoon.
- Huh?
I don't care where he came from.
And now, Vito Basoon,
with the bald news.
- I got good news
for all you bald guys
and some of you girls.
And it's coming right
off the top of my head.
Mr. Harry Howard, Newport
Beach, while experimenting
with a hair restore, managed
to grow a single strand of hair
on the top of his
head, seven feet long.
Unfortunately, Mr. Howard
was caught in a sneezing fit
and is now recuperating from
an extreme case of whiplash.
It's an old whiplash
joke, take it Dan and Dick.
- Once again, it's time to
visit with Hollywood's in-couple
so, we're gonna go to
breakfast with Lance and Tina.
- Oh.
- Ahh.
Good morning, my darling, Lance.
(shrieks)
- Oh, good morning,
beautiful Tina.
(smooches) Oh.
Wait a minute!
(slide whistle)
- Lance, darling, Lance, Lance,
Lance, ooh, Lance, Lance,
- Keep talking.
- Yes, Lance, ooh, this is our
Oooh, this is our guest
this morning for breakfast,
my darling, my precious.
- Our guest is the
lovely, Roger Miller.
- I am not Roger Miller.
- You're not that lovely
either, but we're not under oath.
- Here's the weekly book
report with Ruth Buzzi's review.
- I have just finished
reading all 20 volumes
of the Encyclopedia and I
must say, I have never spent
a more enjoyable evening.
The story begins with
book one, Abba to Bebo.
(laughs) Now,
Abba is a small town
noted for it's
refining of k-poc,
used in stuffing footstools
(laughs) And Bebo,
is an early king
of Bessarabia who revised
the laws governing tartooing.
Now, strangely enough,
Bebo never stuffed a footstool.
(laughs) and no one ever
toontaed in Abba. (laughs)
But our story sweeps
through the Crusades,
the Napoleonic
Wars, the Revolution,
World Wars I and II. (laughs)
And we finally find out
at the end of the book,
that the one who
did it, I'm sorry.
(laughs) The one who did it
was a zebra. (laughs)
I recommend the
Encyclopedia for light,
casual enjoyment, but,
(laughs) How a zebra
caused all those
wars, I'll never know.
- And now the news from
the land below, way below.
- Oh, hey, hell's
bells, here's the news.
I got some good news
from hell, everything stinks.
And it looks like
it's gonna get worse.
Isn't that great?
(gong rings)
- And now,
here's a basketball
sports report from Japan.
The Tokyo All-Stars beat
the Osaka squad, 118 to 102,
sparked by the superior
playing of Tokyo's tallest member,
five feet, four inches,
Toshiro Mafooni,
better known to his fans
as Stretch, sayonara.
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Now the minority news
with Willie Tyler and Lester.
- Go ahead.
- Now this final word.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- Miss Sepia, 1972
beauty contest was held
yesterday in Detroit.
It was marred by black
women's lib-group,
who in protest,
burned their bras.
- Not to mention,
their watermelons.
- Their watermelons?
- Thought I told you
not to mention it,
that's what it is y'all.
- 25 years ago today,
struggling actress, Shelia Foon,
while sitting at a Hollywood
drug store soda fountain,
was discovered by
a big movie producer,
who after seeing her
immediately asked her
to pass the ketchup.
Oh, la, la, la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In look at the news
(boings) (screams)
- Hi, Lisa here at the
Whoopie Indian Reservation
where I've met two Indian braves
named Chasing Deer
and Sleeping Bear.
I don't care so much
for Chasing Deer,
but I sure do like
Sleeping Bear, whoopie.
- When I was a little
girl, I dreamed of having
a virgin forest named after me.
Now, I'd settle for
a clump of trees.
- You know, it's amazing,
we've been lost at sea
for three months
and neither one of us
have lost our minds,
have we, mother?
- No, we haven't, Grover.
Now on that last frame, did
you have a spare or a strike?
- What a tiring day.
- Well, what'd you do?
- I gave the kitchen
another coat of food.
- Mr. Roberts, you got
a terrific basketball team
at Oral Roberts College.
Tell me, how'd you
get such a good team?
- Well, it's due mainly
to the help of the Lord,
good coaching,
good conditioning,
and a seven foot center
with a great hook shot.
(bang)
(slide whistle)
(cymbal crash)
- A lot of people are always
asking, what do you do
when you're not taping?
Well, Dick and I have
different interests.
He's generally out
on the golf course,
but I like to, in hunting
season, I like to go hunting
and, uh, I wanted to...
Excuse me, I know you're
interested in what I was gonna say.
- I have an objection.
- You are an objection.
Now, why are you
dressed like that?
- Well, I got a
speeding ticket today
and I'm gonna defend myself.
- Oh, in that outfit
you're gonna have to.
- That's no way
to talk to a lawyer.
- Oh, you're a barrister.
- Au contraire, my
folks were married
right here at City Hall.
- Don't you know that
before you go into court,
you're gonna half
to pass the bar.
- Well, I can pass
the bar all right,
it's that topless joint in the
corner I have trouble with.
(laughs)
- I have an idea that
you're just not the least bit
familiar with jurisprudence.
- Familiar with her,
where do you think
she got all those hickeys?
(laughs) Hickey one, hickey two.
- All right, all right, you
know that in order to prove
your innocence, if you're
really gonna go to court,
you're gonna have to put the
arresting officer on the stand.
- He's a big boy, let
him get up by himself.
- No, no, no, I'll tell
you what we'll do.
Just show you're on
the wrong track her.
- All right.
- We'll set up
the whole courtroom scene, okay?
- Okay, fine.
- Now, I am
the arresting officer.
- Okay, that's fine.
- You interrogate me.
- You're not so hot yourself.
- No, no, I mean, you're
supposed to ask me questions.
- Oh.
- Now, what's the first thing
you'd ask?
- All right.
Officer, will you forget the
whole thing for 20 bucks?
- Oh, come on,
as a police officer
you have just now
offended, not only me,
but thousands of my fellow
officers across this great land
of law and order.
- You're right.
- You don't bribe
officers in this country.
- How about 30 bucks?
- All right now, come on.
- Forgive me, officer.
Now, if I can prove that
you've got the wrong man,
will you let me go?
- Well, of course.
- A-ha, all right officer,
before the alleged crime,
notice I said alleged.
- The alleged crime.
- E-L-Y-G-G-D-E.
- Nevermind, don't...
- Before the alleged crime,
had you and I ever met?
- No.
- A-Ha, had you ever
been to my house?
- Nope.
- Ha-ha, now finally,
have you ever seen
a picture of me?
- No.
- Therefore, if on the day
of the so-called crime,
you and I had never met,
you had never
seen a picture of me
and you had never
been to my house,
then how did you know it was me?
Case dismissed!
- Wait a minute,
that's never gonna work.
- Huh?
- No.
- Well, I must be off.
- You must be. (laughs)
- Why do you laugh
when I say that?
- It's the only sensible
thing you've ever said.
- Today in history.
Today in history, in 1963, a
famed Meet The Press moderator,
Lawrence E. Spivak, sold
his entire body for 10 cents
through an offer in
the Marigold Press.
(bell dings)
(bell dings)
(silence)
(bell chimes)
- I have a surprise for you!
- Huh?
- Thanksgiving turkey.
- Thanksgiving isn't for months
- Heh, it's from
last Thanksgiving,
I found it in the broom closet.
- National Safety
Council Film, take one.
(crunch)
- Oooo, ahhh.
(laughs)
- You oughta see my kitchen,
the other day I washed
a pancake turner
and it turned out to be
the fly swatter, ha, ho, ho.
- Pardon me, do you
have any books on magic?
- A book on magic,
that'll be $6.95.
- Lisa here with sad news
from the Whoopie
Indian Reservation.
Poor Running Buffalo
almost got himself killed today.
He tried to send smoke signals
with his electric
blanket, whoopie.
- Protect our
soul, but as an act
of called special attention
in which purity has a perfect
perception of all that
is evil, that is unholy.
Um, you going to eat
all those french fries?
- The bags under my
eyes used to be so bad,
bell boys were always trying
to pick me up by my face.
(elongated slide whistle)
(phone rings)
- Everybody loves
somebody, sometimes.
Oh, hello, Elaine,
this is your mama.
I just wanted to make sure
you've been drinking
your dinner lately.
I mean, be sure
to finish your bottle.
Remember all them
poor people in Europe,
walking around sober?
Oh, yeah, uh, you
wanna turn the cards pal?
I played golf yesterday and
you'd a really been proud of me.
You know, I cut 30
strokes off my game, oh yes,
I skipped the last six holes
and went straight to the bar.
Speaking of hanging
up, I gotta go now.
I'm gonna go to the couch
and then I gotta
gets the T-N-V fixed,
cause every week your hair
changes color, that's why.
So, you just keep them
cards and letters coming in,
'cause remember, Dean,
Everybody loves
somebody sometimes.
Oh, yeah. (slide whistle)
- The other day, I ran into
my friend, Kathryn Kuhlman,
and I said for heaven's sake.
She said my goodness.
I said, Kathryn, let's
stop talking shop.
25 years ago today,
marked the beginning
of the Napoleonic campaigns,
when Napoleon Bonaparte
first antagonized
Bavaria by walking up
to the Bavarian border and
going pookey-pookey-pookey.
- Pookey-Pookey-Pookey.
- Now, don't forget, my
mother's coming over
for dinner tomorrow.
And don't fix anything
elaborate, she eats like a bird.
- Okay, how about
a bowl of worms?
- Hey, Dr. Roberts,
we understand that
the Oral Roberts University,
you have a new grading system
for the students.
- That's right, Dick, we
have no written exams.
You see, they're all oral.
- A-ha.
- Good evening, welcome to a
brand new medical TV series.
Another day, another
day a bill goes out.
Hooray, hooray.
And whenever we
operate on television, we...
(snap) We always assemble
a competent staff, we
have an assistant surgeon,
two or three nurses,
and an anesthetist,
an anesthetist, and an-nes-te-cyst,
we get a good gas man,
and then we screw up.
- Here at the Gary Owens
Fat Research Center,
we've worked out ways to
determine if you are really fat.
Number one, you're automobile
splits open on the freeway
while you are
nibbling a lamb shank.
(glove snap)
- Keep sending
those cards in folks.
And a lot of people has asked
me to describe the instruments
we use when we operate,
that is the nomenclature
of this particular
clature, here Norman...
What the heck is that one?
That's a scapula,
S-K-A-A-A-Obba-Ulla,
With a cut-cut here
And a cut-cut there
Feet up, pat them on
the poopy, ooh, ooh,
Number two, you know you are fat
if a mature hippo has
to be given a cold shower
immediately after
you leave the zoo.
- But tonight, for the
first time on television,
a lot of people, oh
incidentally, tonight, an unusual
emergency case,
we're going to present,
pardon me one second here.
I don't know that is, doctor,
it's been growing there
quite some time now.
It gets me in a lot of
trouble on elevators.
Well, this should
get the farm vote.
Number three, you
know you are fat
if you can conceal a
twin-zebra jukebox on your body
while totally naked.
- But tonight, for the
first time on television,
we present the birth of
a baby, live, right here,
in our operating room.
Just lie still, madame,
don't be nervous.
Don't be uptight, four short
commercials and off we go.
Hold on (mumbles)
- Number 24, you
know you are fat
if Forest Lawn has
subcontracted your pre-paid funeral
with a house-moving outfit.
- Actually, you're going
to see an emergency case.
This is the Dieseldorff case
out here in just a moment.
Mrs. Dorff ran over
husband with this big diesel
and a weird accident occurred,
the bumper came off the truck,
pierced the upper-lumbarnic
area of the lungar track
in the middle-ventricular
near the freeway cutoff
and split his spleen,
split his spleen off
(laughs) Full harpooned it.
- Number 50, you
know you are fat,
if Mark Spitz wetsuit fits
your forearm, snuggly.
- To make it today in medicine,
you must be imaginative.
You must be creative,
you have to study like mad.
You have three years of pre-med,
four years of medical
college and two years on TV
with your own series
and to get into the...
- Lisa here, after being on
the Whoopie Indian Reservation
only two days, I now have
my very own Indian club.
At last count, there was
26 members, whoopie!
- I wonder what day it is.
- Tell ya in a minute.
It's Sunday.
- How'd you know?
- Simple, the banks are closed.
- Did you enjoy that
jazz mass, yesterday?
- Yes, I really
did like the music,
but I was surprised at
the end when Father Divini
stood up and shouted
one more time.
- Ladies and gentlemen, tonight
we have a real treat for you.
- Yes and many of
you may not know,
but our guest Phyllis
Diller is a fine pianist
who has played with many of
our country's finest musicians.
- And sometimes
with a piano. (laughs)
- You really do play
well, Phyllis, and tonight,
here is Phyllis Diller to
play Bach's 8th Invention.
- Oh, one of my favorites.
- Oh, I love it.
(classical piano music)
- I'm Stich Richman, the
world's greatest drummer.
- Well, if you're so good,
lemme see you do a drum roll.
- Drum roll, you got it!
- Hi, you're Rowan
and Martin, right?
- That's right.
- Can I shoot your picture?
- Shoot our picture?
Sure - Go right ahead.
(gunshots)
- Anyone happen to
see an ocean liner?
- Why does a Fire Island
fireman wear red suspenders?
- I don't know, why
does a Fire Island
islander wear red suspenders?
- To hold up his pantyhose.
- Hey, you guys wanna
put pie in real estate?
- Yeah, what are you selling?
- Manhattan Island.
- Manhattan Island?
- That's right, 23 dollars.
- 23 dollars?
- Uh-Huh.
- The original price was 24.
- Oh, I know, well, I'm
going out of business.
- Oh. (Laughs)
Oh, yay! (applause)
- Oh, Phyllis, that was great.
- I can't remember when
I've enjoyed anything so much.
- Yeah, but all the
time I was playing,
you were just doing
a bunch of jokes.
You didn't here a thing I did.
- I can't tell ya when I've
enjoyed anything so much.
- Well, look,
Phyllis, we're sorry,
we didn't think I'd offend
you, we won't do it anymore.
- Right.
- No more jokes.
- Go ahead, what
would you like to play?
- Rock of ages. (loud clang)
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's a good thing I didn't
say, Turkey In the Straw.
- Here's 50 cents,
I'll take a double-dip.
- Heh, a-ha, you got it.
- Okay.
Thank you!
- I recently completed a
survey among 300 women
asking them to name
their favorite sport.
Three said football,
12 said basketball,
and the other 285
said Henry Kissinger.
- Okay, now, are
we ready to begin?
- Oh, excuse me, do
you have any sherry?
I never cook without sherry.
- I've got some right back here.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- There's nothing
like a little sherry
to take the boredom
out of cooking.
- When I get married, I'm
going to promise to love,
honor, and whoopie until
death do us part, whoopie!
- Look at that table,
all that filthy mess
will ruin my dinner.
- I'm sorry you said that.
- Why?
- That filthy mess
is your din-din.
(spring boing)
(slide whistle)
(cymbal crash)
- Hey gang, let's
have a big hand
for a great gal, Phyllis Diller.
(applause)
- Yes.
Thanks, Phyllis, for
being on the show.
- Ha, you mean that's it?
No water, no trap
doors, no pie in the face?
- Oh, we wouldn't do
that to a lady like you.
- As a matter of fact,
we even have someone
to escort you to your car.
- That's right.
- Harold, you wanna
take Miss Diller to her car?
- [Harold] Anything you say.
(high-pitched slide whistle)
- Well, if you think
you're hooked on Harold.
- Watch what we're gonna
be doing here next week.
- [Martin] Ernest Borgnine.
- [Rowan] Arthur Godfrey.
Don Rickles.
- [Martin] John Wayne.
- [Rowan] And Slappy White.
Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Say, did I ever tell
you about the time
my aunt went on a big date?
- No and I don't want
to hear about it either.
- Thank you, she put on a
leather coat and went out
with a six foot
rabbit named Howard
and we haven't seen
hide nor hair of her since.
(laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, everybody!
- Goodnight, Dick, whoopie.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Oooh, oooh, oooooh, oooooh,
oh, goodnight, Dick, oooh.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick
and Dan, give my best
to the Green Bay Packers
and thank them for me.
- Go ahead.
- Good...
- No, wait I'll take
it, goodnight, Dick.
Now, you go, over there.
- Good...
- Wait a minute.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Don't move, I'll get it.
- Wait, shhh, go
like this, go like this.
(whistles)
- Goodnight, Dick, I hope your
cock-a-doodle-doo gets better.
- Say goodnight to
Dan and the boss.
- Goodnight, Dan.
Goodnight, boss.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick, whoo!
- Goodnight, Dick. (laughs)
You pest.
- Goodnight, Dick. (glove snap)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, like, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(car honks)
(upbeat band music)
(slide whistles)
(cymbal crash)
- Dr. Roberts, we know that
you always end your programs
with a personal slogan.
- Yes, I always
say something good
is going to happen to you.
- That's great, is something
good going to happen to you?
- Certainly, I get to leave now.
(sad laughter)
(bell dings)
(crash)
- Welcome, Reverend
Roberts, it's a real pleasure
to have you with us.
- Well, I'm glad to be here.
- You know, Reverend
Roberts, you're a religious man.
What do you think of the stage
play, Jesus Christ Superstar?
- I enjoyed it very much,
but I like the book
a whole lot better.
- Before my plastic surgery,
I used to wear one of those
medical alert bracelets that
said in case of an accident,
please don't take me to a
veterinarian, I am a person.
- Lisa here at the Whoopie
Indian Reservation.
This week, Laugh-In
has me taking a survey
among the Whoopie Indians.
You should have been here today.
One of the Indian mothers
forget to take her papoose pills
and now she's got
one little, two little,
three little Indians.
Four little, five little,
six little Indians.
Whoopie.
- Frank, where'd I
make my mistake?
- Well, remember when
we spotted that enemy ship?
- Yeah?
- You said take her down
to 100 feet and level off.
- Yeah.
- You're not supposed to
do that with an aircraft carrier.
(cringes)
- Great guns, what is that?
- That's clear broth.
- It tastes like soap.
- Soap?
Oh shoot, then this
must be the clear broth.
- My wife spends all
her time at the office.
I mean, all she cares
about is her work.
- How many times have I told you
not to bother me at the office?
- You hold him down,
I'll get the instruments
and pull it out.
(man screams)
There, it's out.
- What time is it?
- Who wants to know?
- O'Shanassy.
- O'Shanassy wants to know.
Well the big spud is on the two
and the little spud
is on the three.
- Good, have you ever...
- I just finished my
spring house cleaning.
It took this long because
it was the spring of '57.
(baby cries)
- Huh.
- Honey, would you
change the baby?
- Sure, sure.
- Thank you.
- Yep, excuse me.
Heck, come on.
- Every woman should
use a special fragrance
to suit her
ever-changing personality.
For example, when I was a
little younger, I used My Sin.
Now that I'm more mature,
I rely heavily on perfume.
- Now then, where does it hurt?
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In (applause)
- Hey, hey, hey!
Oh my, oh!
- That's, don't over do...
- Oh!
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- I need earplugs.
- Just a moment,
ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's special guests.
- The lovely and very
talented, Miss Phyllis Diller.
- Phyllis Diller!
- Whoo-Hoo!
(applause)
- [Rowan] Miss Phyllis Diller!
- [Martin] You look great.
- Phyllis, that's a
beautiful dress you
have on this evening.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I really love it.
- Yes.
- You know, it was
made especially for me
by your wardrobe department.
- Is that right?
- Oh...
- And you know,
I'd like to keep it.
- Sweetheart, if you
want that dress, it's yours.
- Why, I'll even have
one of the stage hands
put it in a box for ya.
- Oh, how nice.
- Hey, Lou, put this
in a box for Miss Diller.
Ooooh!
- It's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin!
With guest star, Phyllis Diller.
Cameo appearances by
Reverend Oral Roberts,
Paul Gilbert and Michael Greer.
Plus, Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah
Kennedy, Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and
Lester, Lisa Farringer,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this word
for those who
suffer from insomnia,
could you wake me up
tomorrow morning at seven?
My alarm clock
doesn't work, thank you.
- My name is Elvira
Kootch of Des Moines, Iowa
and I recently bought
myself a Shell, no-pest, strip.
Huh, and I just like
to say, that it works
wonders, because since
I put it up, not one shell
has pestered me.
Even when I strip.
(spring boing)
(slide whistle)
(thud)
(spring boing)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Yeah!
- Thank you!
- Whoo!
- Thank you very much.
- Whoo!
- And a rousing good evening
to everybody.
Well, what would
you like to talk about?
- Well, whatever
it is make it short.
- Okay.
- I have to go
to my first public exhibition.
- Oh, I don't think
this is the time
to discuss your
rather peculiar habits.
- Well, I scoff if you will.
- Okay.
- But I happen to be a painter.
- A painter?
- And they're having a showing
of my paintings tonight.
- Well, I'm a collector myself,
do you have any
pictures with you?
- Yes, I happen to bring
along my latest works.
Lisa, would you
give me the works?
Thank you.
- A rather large one.
- Oh, isn't it though?
- Yes.
- Wait a minute, I'll
put it on the aisle.
- A easel. _ Easel, excuse me.
- Okay.
- There, now wait a minute.
- I can't wait to see it now.
- All right.
Now, all right, you ready?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Hope you don't strain
your muscle now that...
That line doesn't fit anymore.
- No, you could...
- She's already gone,
isnt' she?
- Yes, she didn't strain
any muscles, now you
want her to go the next line.
- I guarantee ya, all
right, but I got a line
to close this whole place out.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey!
- Excuse me, close your eyes.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
- Whoop, now you
may open them, huh?
- May I close them again?
Now, let me ask
you this, maestro.
- [Martin] Yeah?
- When you start to paint
something like this, do
you form a mental image
of specific patterns
or do you improvise
within a certain pigment
with those abstractions
which seem to permeate
your subconscious?
I'm waiting for an answer.
- I'm waiting for the question.
- Well, let me put this,
exactly what are you trying for
with this painting?
- Well, I was trying for 75
bucks, but I'll settle for 30.
- No, no, what...
- I'll throw in the frame.
- No, Dick, what is this
picture supposed to represent?
- This picture shows
how our destiny is eternity.
- I don't see where
it shows that at all.
- Well, then it's a grasshopper.
- That's a...
- Right here.
- While listening to any of
the jokes on tonight's show,
bite down hard on a
piece of plastic hose.
It will slow the tears
and quiet you a little.
Thank you and thank you FM.
- Just think, confined for
20 years in this position
without being able to move.
- Well, maybe they'll give us
some time off for good behavior.
- I'll bet that'll be good,
I hope you didn't go
over the food budget.
- Nope, I didn't, I know
how much you like chicken,
so, I got some of the
less expensive parts.
Feathers. (maniacal laughter)
I'd knew you'd
be tickled with it.
- It's me, Lisa, here
with the Whoopie Indians
and I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.
My first day here, I got an
obscene smoke signal, whoopie!
(bell dings)
(bell dings)
(silence)
- Hey, you know,
maybe a passing ship
will see your shirt tied to
the mass, and pick us up.
- Yeah it could happen,
I'd better take it down.
- Yeah.
- I've had my face
lifted so many times,
I have to climb a
ladder to blow my nose.
Ha ha ha.
- I first learned how to do
Bette Davis in the Air Force.
I was stationed in Korea
for 10 and a half months
and the only
record I had with me
was a record of impressions,
so, for 10 and half months,
I played that record and
in 10 and a half months,
I learned how to do Bette Davis.
In 10 and a half months
my whole squadron
learned how to do Bette
Davis and many mornings
we would have drill call
and the Colonel
would say, "attention!"
We even had a lot of
fun with the impression.
It'll keep you out of the army.
It's very easy to do, you
know, you can learn it
in about 30 seconds.
I'll just take the time
if you don't mind.
To get Bette Davis, you have
to have the eyes, the voice,
the walk, and the mouth.
Of course, if you get the
eyes, sure it sounds like a lot,
but it's not, but
to get the eyes,
you have to think thyroid.
Which means, your mouth
automatically snaps in like hers.
It's dynamic tension
and you can only do it for
about a minute or you faint.
The look of it is
like you've just been
reversed with an
electric cattle prod.
So, once you have that,
you just need the voice.
Well, Ms. Davis bites
her words when she talks,
sort of chops the air,
karate mouth, one might say.
It comes out like,
"what a dump".
But if you can rev that
up a Wayne Newton,
then you get, "what a dump!"
Now, that you have that,
you just need the walk.
And the walk is especially
simple if you drink
because you just need a
brandy snifter in this hand
and a brandy
snifter in that hand
and as you warm it, you walk.
- Yes?
- We're taking a census.
How many in this monastery?
- Well, there were 300,
but one fell in the fire place.
- 299 friars, one broiled.
- It's not nice to
fool Mother Nature.
(low rumble)
- Extra, extra, read all
about how the president
causes taxes, extra!
- I'll take one of those.
- Wait a minute,
there's nothing in here.
- Don't complain to me,
complain to the president.
Extra, extra!
- Now, do like I told
ya, no funny business.
- Hello, dear, I've
been kidnapped again.
This one wants 500,000 dollars.
- What he'd say?
- He's still laughing.
Well, okay, I'll ask him.
Listen, he says the best he
can do is nine Hershey bars
and our old lawnmower.
- That's ridiculous.
- If I were you, I'd take it.
The last time I was kidnapped,
the guy had to pay him
25 bucks to take me back.
- Well, I'm not gonna do it.
Ten.
- They're stating a
new thing in church.
Now you can
consolidate all your sins
and make just one
monthly payment.
(laughs) Please.
- My mother told
me that she got me
a little brownie
on the Girl Scouts.
I told mama, to give her a
cookie and send her to my room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello, operator?
- [Operator] Yes, sir?
- I'd like to call Chicago.
- [Operator] Well, go ahead.
- Chicago, Chicago!
- [Operator] Feel better now?
- Shakespeare said
all the world's a stage
and all the men and
women are players.
Well, if that's true, the
least we can do is try
to stay on good terms
with the producer.
- The Little Sir
Echo story, take one
one-one-one-one-one-one.
(knock at door)
- Come in!
Can I help you, sir?
- Oh, I'm Laverne Blossum.
- Oh, that's a shame,
what are you taking for it?
- I'm in film.
- Well, I can see that.
Have you tried steel wool?
I think that'll get it off.
- Miss Diller, I'm
tired of movies.
- Ugh, so am I, I haven't
seen a good one in months.
- And I want to go into a
nightclub act as a comic.
I thought maybe you
could give me a joke.
- Sure thing, what
blast, now listen carefully.
Yesterday, a guy said
he spent all day fishing
and he didn't get a bite.
So, I bit him. (laughs)
- Oooh, oh, I'm so
sorry to hear about that.
But I really need a joke.
- Uh-huh.
You don't understand,
that was the joke.
- Of course.
- See, when he said
he didn't get a bite,
he meant a fish bite.
(laughs)
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, not yet, you're
in too soon again.
That's not the joke
- Oh, of course.
- Now look,
you pretend that you're a comic
and that there's
an audience here.
Now, and you tell that joke.
- Okay.
- Wait a minute, wait now,
the footwork is not
really necessary.
- Oh.
- If you could get
it all together in one spot.
- All together, wonderful.
Don't worry.
- Yes.
- Good evening,
ladies and germs.
This unfortunate
individual failed in his efforts
to catch a fish, so,
Miss Diller bit him!
- No, I didn't bite
him, you bit him.
- Oh, oh you want
me to bite him?
- Exactly, now here,
try it on my manager.
- Oh, of course.
- Yes.
- Oh, (crunch)
(pain-filled scream)
- Oh, oh, it's wonderful,
a marvelous act.
(pain-filled scream)
Oh, yes, yes, I'm
getting screams.
Oh, blessed stage.
(spring bounce)
(slide whistle)
(intense funk music)
We are the beautiful people
Aren't we chic, slim and sleek
We are the beautiful people
Getting 'round, jetting 'round.
We are indolent classes,
wearing dark glasses,
Meeting our losses
We are the vacuous
asses, flying to and fro
Oh, we are the beautiful people
In the swim, tan and trim
We are the beautiful people
Dropping names, making claims
We are the fabulous creatures
Spreading our features
over the beaches
We are the incredible
leeches everywhere we go
So, it's a lunch with Capote
Brunch with Vidal
We're meeting
Garbo today, ha ha ha
Tonight, we dine with Fellini
Wine with Krapho
Nightcaps with Grayson Revoir
Isn't simply heaven
We are the beautiful people
Here and there, everywhere
We are the beautiful people
Up and down, town to town
We are society
beauties Millioniare cuties
Jackies and Moodies
We're all doing our duties
Spending all our dough
Oh, we are the beautiful people
Out of breath, bored to death
We are the beautiful people
Caviar, bulbizarre
We are society darlings
Aggies and ollies
Getting our jollies
We're always perfumed,
boffed, and pearled
We are the people, the
beautiful, beautiful people
We are the ugliest
beautiful people in the world
- Being rich isn't everything,
for instance money
can't buy love.
- Well, as Joey Louis used to
say, you give me a few dollars
and I'll do my own shopping.
- Mommy, daddy!
- What's a matter, son?
- Oh, it's that boat you bought
me for the bathtub, daddums.
- Well, what's
the matter with it?
- The men aboard
it, don't wanna play.
- I know a jet-setter
who's had her face lifted
so many times, she really
does talk through her head.
- Well, it'll be April,
you know, tax time soon.
What kind of shape are you in?
- Well, I think my taxes
will be substantially
lower this year
because of the house I bought.
- What house was that?
- The House of Representatives.
- You know you're rich
when at a restaurant
you put your leftover
food in a doggy bag
and go home and then
actually give it to the dog.
- You know,
darling, I can't decide
whether to go to Palm
Beach or Cannes, Bermuda,
of just stay here in New York.
- Don't make a big thing
of it, Richard, it's just love.
- I read about this
millionaire that simply travels
everywhere in her own jet plane.
- [Woman] Mmm-hmm.
- Which must be
quite a problem when she's
just going to the bathroom.
- [Man] Terrific.
- This is the Chateau
Lafite '64 you ordered, sir.
- Oh, fine.
Oh, it's excellent, thank you.
- Now, then, sir, what would
you and the madam like to eat?
- Oh, I'll have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich
and she'll have a hamburger
with all that gunk on it.
- Oy, any man who says that
money can't buy happiness,
has never been in
Tijuana on a Saturday night.
- Daddy.
- Hello, baby sister.
- Hi, I'd like to
see movie tonight.
- Aw, sure, sweetheart.
- [Ed] Yeah, CJ?
- Howdy, Ed, how y'all?
Listen, I want you to run down
and buy that Bijou Theater.
Show Sally Jane whatever
movie she wants to see.
- [Ed] Right, CJ.
- Thank you, daddy
- You got it, kid.
- Hi, dad.
- Oh, yeah, howdy.
- Can I see the Rams and
Packers football game tomorrow?
- [Ed] Yeah, CJ?
- Howdy, Ed, how ya been?
Listen, I want you
to call Green Bay
and the Los Angeles team
and buy their football teams.
Have them fly down here tomorrow
to play a game out in
the backyard for junior.
- [Ed] Right, CJ.
- Hello there, darling,
wouldn't it be lovely
if you just stayed home tonight
and together we'll
just snuggle by the fire
and then maybe later we...
- [Ed] Yes, CJ?
- Howdy, Ed, listen,
can you come in and...
- Nevermind, I'll wait
'til the Green Bay
Packers get here tomorrow.
- I ran into a black
millionaire the other day
at a restaurant.
I could tell he was rich,
he ordered watermelon
on the glass.
- I know a jet-set woman
who went to one of those
exclusive fat farms to
reduce and it worked.
When she came out,
she was $20,000 lighter.
- Daddy, daddy, guess what?
- What is it, dear?
- I just won a trip
around the world
at Rockefeller's drug store.
- Really, how'd you do that?
- I guessed how many poor
people that were in a bowl.
- I know a man who's so wealthy
that instead of going
to Europe every year
he sends for it.
- Darling, you're one of the
richest men in the country,
now what in the world would
you wanna go into politics for?
- Well, because, as the
governor of this state,
I'll be able to do something
for those poor peoples
who live in the terrible
tenements in the ghetto.
(laughs)
- Now what makes you think
that you know so
much about the ghettos?
- Well, I ought to, I
own most of them.
- I know a guy who's so rich,
he has a chauffeur-driven
race horse.
- Where are the
children, my dear?
- They're playing
in the west wing.
- I must speak with them.
Operator, give me long-distance.
- We'll take good care of
your Rolls Royce, ma'am.
Now, besides a lube-job, do
you want us to wash and wax it?
- Oh, no, no, just a
Champagne rinse, please.
- I know a man who came
from humble beginnings,
today he's a millionaire.
His father owns the
Unbloyal Company.
- Some of my beautiful
people are often a little eccentric
and leave their
fortunes to their pets.
- You know, when
my old mistress died,
she left me her entire fortune.
- Mine too, at last I can afford
everything I always wanted.
As a matter of fact, I
just had plastic surgery.
- Why?
- Well, I'm no spring chicken.
(laughs) You ever notice
how the skin of a plucked
chicken has gooesbumps?
- Yeah?
- Well, I had mine removed.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- And my husband
had a beak job too.
- You're kidding.
- Everything turned out fine
except now he's got laryngitis
and his
cock-a-doodle-do doesn't.
(laughs)
- Funny way
it pays to have money,
you know, the first thing I did
with mine was to
buy a Rolls Royce.
- You drive it?
- No, I chase it!
(laughs) Hey, how
about coming home
to have dinner with me tonight?
We're having chicken. (laughs)
We are the beautiful people
Eat and run, ain't it fun
We are the beautiful people
Shipped to shore, what a bore
We are society dandy
Drinking our brandy
Eating at Andy's
We're always suit
and cinched and curled
We are the ugliest
beautiful people in the world
- You know, there's a
phrase that's sort of religious
that comes to mind when I hear
Laugh-In's been on for
six years, holy mackerel.
- This kitchen is
an absolute mess.
- Look at this way, least
it goes with the food.
- Hi, Lisa again at the
Whoopie Indian Reservation.
I just had a date with the
tribe's leader, Sitting Whoopie.
What a pow-wow and
all this time I thought
the super chief
was a train, whoopie.
(slide whistle)
- Phyllis, you're
a really good sport
talking about your
facelift all the time.
I must say you look great.
- Yeah, how much did they lift?
- Well, you see this
dimple on my forehead?
- Mmm-Hmm - That used to be
my bellybutton. (laughs)
- That's a lift.
- I don't know what to do, I
have to get a 138 presents
for next Sunday.
- Why is that?
- Well, they're holding
a priest convention
and it's Father's Day.
- Faith can heal many things,
but this show
hasn't got a prayer.
(multiple squeaks)
(animal growl)
(screams of joy)
We're the Gabby Can-Can Girls
All the way from France
You will flipsy, well, or wink
When we do the dance.
Oh Oh Oh Ooooooh
Once we do the
coronation, whoo-hoo
We are going to improvisation
All the way, that's so amusing
Kicking, swirling,
screaming, bruising
We would love to
give you all the news
We are la-la, the
cute and the damned
Seal off the notes with the news
With Dick and Dan, yay
- [Gary] And now the Laugh-In
News with Bill Schumacher
nipped at the wire, Dean
Martin getting higher,
Clifford Irving
looking for a fire,
and Harold Stassen
beginning to tire
And here's Dan and
Dick with the news.
- But first, these
news headlines.
- Ralph Nooder...
- [Rowan] Nader.
- Nader, uh, goes to
Congress to check on
problem of absenteeism, can't
find anyone around to talk to.
- Hecklered acupuncture
convention is arrested
for needling the speakers.
- Head of blood bank
denies paternity suit,
says girl is not his type.
- And now here's Dick
with news in the present.
- Cat sit mole.
- [Rowan] What does that say?
- Can sit mole.
- What do you suppose
can sit mole means?
- I don't know,
but I had a large tube
of it in my medicine kit.
- No, Kansas City.
- Oh, they moved it.
- Kansas City..
- Kansas City, Missouri.
- Good.
- I got it.
News in the present,
Kansas City mole.
- [Rowan] Go on.
- Raoul May Hedgemond.
Make that Raoulo May
Hedgemond, famous circus performer,
known for diving from
a small platform 300 feet
above the ground
into a glass of water,
missed a performance today,
he missed at the performance
and was killed instantly.
Funeral services will be
held tomorrow at Forest Lawn
where Mr. Hedgemond
will be folded and laid to rest
in a sandwich bag. (laughs)
- [Rowan] Just keep going.
- While entertaining
the inmates of San
Quentin Prison, today...
(laughs) Jill St. John
was taken hostage.
- It's not against the law
to read these before you
go on the air, you know?
- Oh, I'm fine,
thank you. (laughs)
- I'll go back and
read, reiterate.
- Okay, how come
you can say reiterate,
but you can't say Ralph Nader?
- [Martin] Because it's
written on my sloove,
- Oh, sleeve.
- While entertaining the inmates
at San Quentin prison today
Jill St. John was taken hostage.
Warden Gonzales
said in the whole history
of San Quentin prison,
this is the first time
a hostrage...
- [Rowan] Hostage.
(laughs)
- Make that hostage,
was being held
prisoner by the guards.
And now with the
future news, here's Dean.
- [Rowan] Dan.
- Dan.
- [Martin] Surely.
- No, no, no.
- [Martin] Harriet?
- Wait a minute.
- Fred.
- News of the future,
20 years from today,
here's further news
from Warden Gonzales
at San Quentin Prison.
He told reporters today
that he was still negotiating
with the prison guards and
he feels that Miss St. John
will be released some
time in the near future.
After all, enough
is enough. (laughs)
Oh, boy, who said
he wasn't quick.
News from the future,
20 years from now,
the Supreme Court has
finally relaxed obscenity laws
and the three top shows
on television are now
Love Any Style, Motel Room 222,
and Bridget Loves Bernie,
Philip, Warren, Roger.
- Bernard, and here is Heavy
Helen with the far-out news.
- Hey, it's Heavy Helen
with the far-out news.
One of those sensitivity experts
showed up at the commune
the other day and like he
said that like he wanted us
to have a nude group therapy
session, but we said no.
I mean, man, like we figured
that as long as he was there,
we might as well do something
a little different, right on.
- Here's nationally known
television columnist, Mortin Moss,
with tonight's Hollywood item.
- Mark Spitz, now a familiar
TV personality around Hollywood
has been seen
frequently in the company
of Olympic swim
star, Shane Gould.
The two date frequently and
are often seen having lunch
in such smart places
as Los Angeles Harbor,
Marine Land, and Lake Mead.
- And now, Vito
Baboon with the bald...
- [Rowan] Basoon.
- Huh?
I don't care where he came from.
And now, Vito Basoon,
with the bald news.
- I got good news
for all you bald guys
and some of you girls.
And it's coming right
off the top of my head.
Mr. Harry Howard, Newport
Beach, while experimenting
with a hair restore, managed
to grow a single strand of hair
on the top of his
head, seven feet long.
Unfortunately, Mr. Howard
was caught in a sneezing fit
and is now recuperating from
an extreme case of whiplash.
It's an old whiplash
joke, take it Dan and Dick.
- Once again, it's time to
visit with Hollywood's in-couple
so, we're gonna go to
breakfast with Lance and Tina.
- Oh.
- Ahh.
Good morning, my darling, Lance.
(shrieks)
- Oh, good morning,
beautiful Tina.
(smooches) Oh.
Wait a minute!
(slide whistle)
- Lance, darling, Lance, Lance,
Lance, ooh, Lance, Lance,
- Keep talking.
- Yes, Lance, ooh, this is our
Oooh, this is our guest
this morning for breakfast,
my darling, my precious.
- Our guest is the
lovely, Roger Miller.
- I am not Roger Miller.
- You're not that lovely
either, but we're not under oath.
- Here's the weekly book
report with Ruth Buzzi's review.
- I have just finished
reading all 20 volumes
of the Encyclopedia and I
must say, I have never spent
a more enjoyable evening.
The story begins with
book one, Abba to Bebo.
(laughs) Now,
Abba is a small town
noted for it's
refining of k-poc,
used in stuffing footstools
(laughs) And Bebo,
is an early king
of Bessarabia who revised
the laws governing tartooing.
Now, strangely enough,
Bebo never stuffed a footstool.
(laughs) and no one ever
toontaed in Abba. (laughs)
But our story sweeps
through the Crusades,
the Napoleonic
Wars, the Revolution,
World Wars I and II. (laughs)
And we finally find out
at the end of the book,
that the one who
did it, I'm sorry.
(laughs) The one who did it
was a zebra. (laughs)
I recommend the
Encyclopedia for light,
casual enjoyment, but,
(laughs) How a zebra
caused all those
wars, I'll never know.
- And now the news from
the land below, way below.
- Oh, hey, hell's
bells, here's the news.
I got some good news
from hell, everything stinks.
And it looks like
it's gonna get worse.
Isn't that great?
(gong rings)
- And now,
here's a basketball
sports report from Japan.
The Tokyo All-Stars beat
the Osaka squad, 118 to 102,
sparked by the superior
playing of Tokyo's tallest member,
five feet, four inches,
Toshiro Mafooni,
better known to his fans
as Stretch, sayonara.
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Now the minority news
with Willie Tyler and Lester.
- Go ahead.
- Now this final word.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- Miss Sepia, 1972
beauty contest was held
yesterday in Detroit.
It was marred by black
women's lib-group,
who in protest,
burned their bras.
- Not to mention,
their watermelons.
- Their watermelons?
- Thought I told you
not to mention it,
that's what it is y'all.
- 25 years ago today,
struggling actress, Shelia Foon,
while sitting at a Hollywood
drug store soda fountain,
was discovered by
a big movie producer,
who after seeing her
immediately asked her
to pass the ketchup.
Oh, la, la, la
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In look at the news
(boings) (screams)
- Hi, Lisa here at the
Whoopie Indian Reservation
where I've met two Indian braves
named Chasing Deer
and Sleeping Bear.
I don't care so much
for Chasing Deer,
but I sure do like
Sleeping Bear, whoopie.
- When I was a little
girl, I dreamed of having
a virgin forest named after me.
Now, I'd settle for
a clump of trees.
- You know, it's amazing,
we've been lost at sea
for three months
and neither one of us
have lost our minds,
have we, mother?
- No, we haven't, Grover.
Now on that last frame, did
you have a spare or a strike?
- What a tiring day.
- Well, what'd you do?
- I gave the kitchen
another coat of food.
- Mr. Roberts, you got
a terrific basketball team
at Oral Roberts College.
Tell me, how'd you
get such a good team?
- Well, it's due mainly
to the help of the Lord,
good coaching,
good conditioning,
and a seven foot center
with a great hook shot.
(bang)
(slide whistle)
(cymbal crash)
- A lot of people are always
asking, what do you do
when you're not taping?
Well, Dick and I have
different interests.
He's generally out
on the golf course,
but I like to, in hunting
season, I like to go hunting
and, uh, I wanted to...
Excuse me, I know you're
interested in what I was gonna say.
- I have an objection.
- You are an objection.
Now, why are you
dressed like that?
- Well, I got a
speeding ticket today
and I'm gonna defend myself.
- Oh, in that outfit
you're gonna have to.
- That's no way
to talk to a lawyer.
- Oh, you're a barrister.
- Au contraire, my
folks were married
right here at City Hall.
- Don't you know that
before you go into court,
you're gonna half
to pass the bar.
- Well, I can pass
the bar all right,
it's that topless joint in the
corner I have trouble with.
(laughs)
- I have an idea that
you're just not the least bit
familiar with jurisprudence.
- Familiar with her,
where do you think
she got all those hickeys?
(laughs) Hickey one, hickey two.
- All right, all right, you
know that in order to prove
your innocence, if you're
really gonna go to court,
you're gonna have to put the
arresting officer on the stand.
- He's a big boy, let
him get up by himself.
- No, no, no, I'll tell
you what we'll do.
Just show you're on
the wrong track her.
- All right.
- We'll set up
the whole courtroom scene, okay?
- Okay, fine.
- Now, I am
the arresting officer.
- Okay, that's fine.
- You interrogate me.
- You're not so hot yourself.
- No, no, I mean, you're
supposed to ask me questions.
- Oh.
- Now, what's the first thing
you'd ask?
- All right.
Officer, will you forget the
whole thing for 20 bucks?
- Oh, come on,
as a police officer
you have just now
offended, not only me,
but thousands of my fellow
officers across this great land
of law and order.
- You're right.
- You don't bribe
officers in this country.
- How about 30 bucks?
- All right now, come on.
- Forgive me, officer.
Now, if I can prove that
you've got the wrong man,
will you let me go?
- Well, of course.
- A-ha, all right officer,
before the alleged crime,
notice I said alleged.
- The alleged crime.
- E-L-Y-G-G-D-E.
- Nevermind, don't...
- Before the alleged crime,
had you and I ever met?
- No.
- A-Ha, had you ever
been to my house?
- Nope.
- Ha-ha, now finally,
have you ever seen
a picture of me?
- No.
- Therefore, if on the day
of the so-called crime,
you and I had never met,
you had never
seen a picture of me
and you had never
been to my house,
then how did you know it was me?
Case dismissed!
- Wait a minute,
that's never gonna work.
- Huh?
- No.
- Well, I must be off.
- You must be. (laughs)
- Why do you laugh
when I say that?
- It's the only sensible
thing you've ever said.
- Today in history.
Today in history, in 1963, a
famed Meet The Press moderator,
Lawrence E. Spivak, sold
his entire body for 10 cents
through an offer in
the Marigold Press.
(bell dings)
(bell dings)
(silence)
(bell chimes)
- I have a surprise for you!
- Huh?
- Thanksgiving turkey.
- Thanksgiving isn't for months
- Heh, it's from
last Thanksgiving,
I found it in the broom closet.
- National Safety
Council Film, take one.
(crunch)
- Oooo, ahhh.
(laughs)
- You oughta see my kitchen,
the other day I washed
a pancake turner
and it turned out to be
the fly swatter, ha, ho, ho.
- Pardon me, do you
have any books on magic?
- A book on magic,
that'll be $6.95.
- Lisa here with sad news
from the Whoopie
Indian Reservation.
Poor Running Buffalo
almost got himself killed today.
He tried to send smoke signals
with his electric
blanket, whoopie.
- Protect our
soul, but as an act
of called special attention
in which purity has a perfect
perception of all that
is evil, that is unholy.
Um, you going to eat
all those french fries?
- The bags under my
eyes used to be so bad,
bell boys were always trying
to pick me up by my face.
(elongated slide whistle)
(phone rings)
- Everybody loves
somebody, sometimes.
Oh, hello, Elaine,
this is your mama.
I just wanted to make sure
you've been drinking
your dinner lately.
I mean, be sure
to finish your bottle.
Remember all them
poor people in Europe,
walking around sober?
Oh, yeah, uh, you
wanna turn the cards pal?
I played golf yesterday and
you'd a really been proud of me.
You know, I cut 30
strokes off my game, oh yes,
I skipped the last six holes
and went straight to the bar.
Speaking of hanging
up, I gotta go now.
I'm gonna go to the couch
and then I gotta
gets the T-N-V fixed,
cause every week your hair
changes color, that's why.
So, you just keep them
cards and letters coming in,
'cause remember, Dean,
Everybody loves
somebody sometimes.
Oh, yeah. (slide whistle)
- The other day, I ran into
my friend, Kathryn Kuhlman,
and I said for heaven's sake.
She said my goodness.
I said, Kathryn, let's
stop talking shop.
25 years ago today,
marked the beginning
of the Napoleonic campaigns,
when Napoleon Bonaparte
first antagonized
Bavaria by walking up
to the Bavarian border and
going pookey-pookey-pookey.
- Pookey-Pookey-Pookey.
- Now, don't forget, my
mother's coming over
for dinner tomorrow.
And don't fix anything
elaborate, she eats like a bird.
- Okay, how about
a bowl of worms?
- Hey, Dr. Roberts,
we understand that
the Oral Roberts University,
you have a new grading system
for the students.
- That's right, Dick, we
have no written exams.
You see, they're all oral.
- A-ha.
- Good evening, welcome to a
brand new medical TV series.
Another day, another
day a bill goes out.
Hooray, hooray.
And whenever we
operate on television, we...
(snap) We always assemble
a competent staff, we
have an assistant surgeon,
two or three nurses,
and an anesthetist,
an anesthetist, and an-nes-te-cyst,
we get a good gas man,
and then we screw up.
- Here at the Gary Owens
Fat Research Center,
we've worked out ways to
determine if you are really fat.
Number one, you're automobile
splits open on the freeway
while you are
nibbling a lamb shank.
(glove snap)
- Keep sending
those cards in folks.
And a lot of people has asked
me to describe the instruments
we use when we operate,
that is the nomenclature
of this particular
clature, here Norman...
What the heck is that one?
That's a scapula,
S-K-A-A-A-Obba-Ulla,
With a cut-cut here
And a cut-cut there
Feet up, pat them on
the poopy, ooh, ooh,
Number two, you know you are fat
if a mature hippo has
to be given a cold shower
immediately after
you leave the zoo.
- But tonight, for the
first time on television,
a lot of people, oh
incidentally, tonight, an unusual
emergency case,
we're going to present,
pardon me one second here.
I don't know that is, doctor,
it's been growing there
quite some time now.
It gets me in a lot of
trouble on elevators.
Well, this should
get the farm vote.
Number three, you
know you are fat
if you can conceal a
twin-zebra jukebox on your body
while totally naked.
- But tonight, for the
first time on television,
we present the birth of
a baby, live, right here,
in our operating room.
Just lie still, madame,
don't be nervous.
Don't be uptight, four short
commercials and off we go.
Hold on (mumbles)
- Number 24, you
know you are fat
if Forest Lawn has
subcontracted your pre-paid funeral
with a house-moving outfit.
- Actually, you're going
to see an emergency case.
This is the Dieseldorff case
out here in just a moment.
Mrs. Dorff ran over
husband with this big diesel
and a weird accident occurred,
the bumper came off the truck,
pierced the upper-lumbarnic
area of the lungar track
in the middle-ventricular
near the freeway cutoff
and split his spleen,
split his spleen off
(laughs) Full harpooned it.
- Number 50, you
know you are fat,
if Mark Spitz wetsuit fits
your forearm, snuggly.
- To make it today in medicine,
you must be imaginative.
You must be creative,
you have to study like mad.
You have three years of pre-med,
four years of medical
college and two years on TV
with your own series
and to get into the...
- Lisa here, after being on
the Whoopie Indian Reservation
only two days, I now have
my very own Indian club.
At last count, there was
26 members, whoopie!
- I wonder what day it is.
- Tell ya in a minute.
It's Sunday.
- How'd you know?
- Simple, the banks are closed.
- Did you enjoy that
jazz mass, yesterday?
- Yes, I really
did like the music,
but I was surprised at
the end when Father Divini
stood up and shouted
one more time.
- Ladies and gentlemen, tonight
we have a real treat for you.
- Yes and many of
you may not know,
but our guest Phyllis
Diller is a fine pianist
who has played with many of
our country's finest musicians.
- And sometimes
with a piano. (laughs)
- You really do play
well, Phyllis, and tonight,
here is Phyllis Diller to
play Bach's 8th Invention.
- Oh, one of my favorites.
- Oh, I love it.
(classical piano music)
- I'm Stich Richman, the
world's greatest drummer.
- Well, if you're so good,
lemme see you do a drum roll.
- Drum roll, you got it!
- Hi, you're Rowan
and Martin, right?
- That's right.
- Can I shoot your picture?
- Shoot our picture?
Sure - Go right ahead.
(gunshots)
- Anyone happen to
see an ocean liner?
- Why does a Fire Island
fireman wear red suspenders?
- I don't know, why
does a Fire Island
islander wear red suspenders?
- To hold up his pantyhose.
- Hey, you guys wanna
put pie in real estate?
- Yeah, what are you selling?
- Manhattan Island.
- Manhattan Island?
- That's right, 23 dollars.
- 23 dollars?
- Uh-Huh.
- The original price was 24.
- Oh, I know, well, I'm
going out of business.
- Oh. (Laughs)
Oh, yay! (applause)
- Oh, Phyllis, that was great.
- I can't remember when
I've enjoyed anything so much.
- Yeah, but all the
time I was playing,
you were just doing
a bunch of jokes.
You didn't here a thing I did.
- I can't tell ya when I've
enjoyed anything so much.
- Well, look,
Phyllis, we're sorry,
we didn't think I'd offend
you, we won't do it anymore.
- Right.
- No more jokes.
- Go ahead, what
would you like to play?
- Rock of ages. (loud clang)
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's a good thing I didn't
say, Turkey In the Straw.
- Here's 50 cents,
I'll take a double-dip.
- Heh, a-ha, you got it.
- Okay.
Thank you!
- I recently completed a
survey among 300 women
asking them to name
their favorite sport.
Three said football,
12 said basketball,
and the other 285
said Henry Kissinger.
- Okay, now, are
we ready to begin?
- Oh, excuse me, do
you have any sherry?
I never cook without sherry.
- I've got some right back here.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- There's nothing
like a little sherry
to take the boredom
out of cooking.
- When I get married, I'm
going to promise to love,
honor, and whoopie until
death do us part, whoopie!
- Look at that table,
all that filthy mess
will ruin my dinner.
- I'm sorry you said that.
- Why?
- That filthy mess
is your din-din.
(spring boing)
(slide whistle)
(cymbal crash)
- Hey gang, let's
have a big hand
for a great gal, Phyllis Diller.
(applause)
- Yes.
Thanks, Phyllis, for
being on the show.
- Ha, you mean that's it?
No water, no trap
doors, no pie in the face?
- Oh, we wouldn't do
that to a lady like you.
- As a matter of fact,
we even have someone
to escort you to your car.
- That's right.
- Harold, you wanna
take Miss Diller to her car?
- [Harold] Anything you say.
(high-pitched slide whistle)
- Well, if you think
you're hooked on Harold.
- Watch what we're gonna
be doing here next week.
- [Martin] Ernest Borgnine.
- [Rowan] Arthur Godfrey.
Don Rickles.
- [Martin] John Wayne.
- [Rowan] And Slappy White.
Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Say, did I ever tell
you about the time
my aunt went on a big date?
- No and I don't want
to hear about it either.
- Thank you, she put on a
leather coat and went out
with a six foot
rabbit named Howard
and we haven't seen
hide nor hair of her since.
(laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, everybody!
- Goodnight, Dick, whoopie.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Oooh, oooh, oooooh, oooooh,
oh, goodnight, Dick, oooh.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick
and Dan, give my best
to the Green Bay Packers
and thank them for me.
- Go ahead.
- Good...
- No, wait I'll take
it, goodnight, Dick.
Now, you go, over there.
- Good...
- Wait a minute.
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Don't move, I'll get it.
- Wait, shhh, go
like this, go like this.
(whistles)
- Goodnight, Dick, I hope your
cock-a-doodle-doo gets better.
- Say goodnight to
Dan and the boss.
- Goodnight, Dan.
Goodnight, boss.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick, whoo!
- Goodnight, Dick. (laughs)
You pest.
- Goodnight, Dick. (glove snap)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, like, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(car honks)
(upbeat band music)
(slide whistles)
(cymbal crash)
- Dr. Roberts, we know that
you always end your programs
with a personal slogan.
- Yes, I always
say something good
is going to happen to you.
- That's great, is something
good going to happen to you?
- Certainly, I get to leave now.
(sad laughter)