Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 18 - Episode #6.18 - full transcript
- Ow, I've got to
see General Kramen,
I must see General Kramen.
- It's Colonel Kramen and
he's not here, he's out on patrol.
- Ah, that's alright,
I'll wait until he become
General Kramen.
(laughing)
(moose calling)
- Oh why?
Why can't we have a cuckoo
clock like everybody else?
(laughing)
- My husband, Burt Bacharach,
says he can only write songs
when he's completely relaxed,
which is okay,
but it sure gets uncomfortable
with that piano in our bed.
(laughing)
(gonging)
(fog horn blowing)
(laughing)
- Boy, I'd give anything
to see a woman coming
walking up that beach.
- Yeah.
- Boy, I'd give anything
to see a woman come
walking up that beach.
(laughing)
- I was swimming out
in the ocean yesterday
when a shark swam up to me.
Boy, you've never
heard such cries for help.
The lifeguard finally swam out
and told the shark to shut up.
(laughing)
- Nurse.
- Huh.
- When will I be on
the road to recovery?
- Oh, you were on
that road last night,
but then you took a wrong turn.
(laughing)
- We better hurry
dear, I'm expecting.
- Alright, but don't name
the buffalo after me.
(laughing)
- Hi, it's time to hit
the road with Lisa.
This week, Laugh-In has me
taking a survey of the farm belt,
and boy have I been busy.
Every morning I get up at five,
get in the alfalfa by noon,
get in the corn by six,
and get in the hay by nine.
(laughing)
- Oh, Sarah, what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm buttering up the boss.
- Mind if I join in?
- No.
- Good.
(laughing)
- Ah, he hasn't
laid a glove on me,
I ain't hurt a bit.
- Then what are you
doing in my corner?
(laughing)
- You know, the most
exciting appearance
on Let's Make a Deal
was a fat, gamy contestant
in the costume of a bear.
The excitement started
when we found out
she wasn't wearing a costume.
(laughing)
- Can I borrow that five
dollar bill you've been saving?
- Well, I haven't got it
on account of it's Lent.
- Oh, I see, well, I'll
ask Mother Superior.
- Don't bother,
that's who I lent it to.
(laughing)
- You call yourselves men?
I want you to dress like
men and look like men.
Now adjust those lace cuffs,
get those wigs on straight
and get the pigtails hanging
right straight down your back.
That's better fellas.
(laughing)
- I'd like to buy a kiss,
but, all I have is
this 100 dollar bill.
Oh, well that
happens to be the price
of our opening day special.
(laughing)
- Hey, I bet you didn't know,
an apple a day
keeps the doctor away,
especially if you hit him
right in the mouth with it.
(laughing)
- What's the trouble?
- Well, let me put it this way,
I've got some good
news and some bad news.
- What's the bad news?
- The wings are covered
with sheets of ice.
- Well, what's the good news?
- The flames from
the engines will melt it.
(laughing)
- I came to this
little restaurant
and ordered stuffed mushrooms.
The waiter says, "You're
making a big mistake".
I said, "I'll have the
stuffed mushrooms".
The waiter says, "You're
making a big mistake".
I said, "I want the mushrooms".
(groaning)
- I told you you were
making a big mistake.
(laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-in.
Starring Dan Rowan,
Dick Martin,
with cameo guests
Angie Dickinson,
Totie Fields, Monty
Hall, and Frank Welker.
And our regular
cuckoos, Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen, Patti
Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk, Willie
Tyler and Lester,
Lisa Farringer, and
me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this word for all
you karate experts,
Hi.
(laughing)
- [Gary] And now, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Thank you.
That's very nice of you,
thank you very much.
It's nice to have...
- Is she here?
- Is what?
- Is she here?
- Is who here?
- My blind date, Wilma
"the pig" Henderson.
(laughing)
- Let me guess, somebody
fixed you up with an ugly girl?
- Well, she was
either an ugly girl
or a very attractive goat.
(laughing)
- Well, how did it end?
- Ah, well, I went to one of
those computer dating services.
I would have been better
off dating the computer.
- It really was bad huh?
(groaning)
Well, it can happen.
- When I first looked
at her, you know,
I thought she had
a bad complexion.
- She didn't, what
was her problem?
- Harpoon scars.
(laughing)
- Well, when you go to one
of those computer places
don't they show you a picture
of her before you went out?
- Yes they did.
- You saw a picture?
- Yes, they showed me a
picture of her riding a buffalo,
and that's where I
made my mistake.
- What do you mean,
you made your mistake?
- I thought the one on
the bottom was the buffalo.
(laughing)
- Now what was a
buffalo doing on her back?
- Just facing the
other way, watching.
(laughing)
- Well, I hope at least
you conducted yourself
like a gentlemen.
Every now and then a
fella gets stuck like that,
you take her out to dinner...
- I didn't have to.
She invited me up to her place.
Ah, it was kinda nice,
as a matter of fact
everything went just
fine until the accident.
- What accident?
- Well, she was
reaching for the lard
when she slipped
and fell into her trough.
(laughing)
- Well, I hope she wasn't hurt.
- Nah, she just chipped
a little piece off her back.
(laughing)
- Well, I guess you're not going
to be seeing ol'
Wilma again, huh?
- Nah, only long enough
to get my shoe back.
- Your shoe back?
- Yeah, I let her borrow it,
her nose was cold.
(laughing)
- Today's astrological
sign is Libra.
If you are a frog, this
would be an ideal time
to grow a wart on
someone you love.
If you are lucky, you will
not find yourself followed
by a strange man named Helen.
On Sunday, you will
have an overpowering urge
to build a cocoon.
But, have no fear, for
you will overcome this urge
as soon as you
turn into a butterfly.
(laughing)
- People just think
of me as a sex symbol
and that I haven't
got a brain in my head.
That aren't true no hows.
(laughing)
- [Woman] Dancing
in the dark (crashing)
(laughing)
- You know, I feel great.
I went on Dr. Stillman's
diet yesterday,
and I must say, he is delicious.
(laughing)
- Hey Charlie.
What's our altitude?
- 3,000 feet.
- Good, what's our air speed?
- Zero.
- Zero, what does that mean?
- It means we've just
made a perfect landing
on top of Mt. Wilson.
(laughing)
- My doctor put me
on a low salt diet.
That means that I can only
fool around with short sailors.
(laughing)
- Did you hear about
the eagle that fell in love
with the 747 jet?
- No, what happened?
- Nothin'.
When the eagle
saw the plane land
and the passengers get off,
he said, it wouldn't
have worked out anyway,
she's pregnant.
(laughing)
Doesn't that kill ya?
(mumbles)
(sneezing)
- Hi, Lisa again
down on the farm.
You know, I've learned
a lot from this job.
For example, do you know
that the government pays farmers
not to fool around with crops?
I wonder how much
they would pay me
not to fool around with farmers.
(laughing)
- You call that chicken salad?
- Yes, it was chicken salad.
- But it didn't taste like it.
- Oh, shut up.
(yelling)
- All we ever do
is fight, fight, fight.
Can't we ever do
anything together?
- Yeah, good idea,
tomorrow night,
I'll get home early,
we'll go to the fights.
(laughing)
- How long you been a bum?
- I beg your pardon,
I'm not a bum.
I'm temporarily down on my luck.
- How long you been
temporarily down on your luck?
- 35 years.
- You bum.
(laughing)
- I went to the
racetrack the other day
and bet on a horse
named Let's Make a Deal.
Now, it wasn't hard to spot him,
he was the only one being ridden
by a five foot tall cantaloupe.
(laughing)
- As you know friends,
Fannie Farkel is going
to have a baby any day now.
And, it's as plain as
the nose on your face.
Which shows what I
know about having babies.
- Fannie Farkel is going to
have a baby any day now.
Hark, who can that be?
(doorbell ringing)
- Hello, I'm Francine.
I'm selling these.
Do you know anybody
who's going to have a baby?
- Nope, can't say I do.
- What about me?
- Of course, do you know anybody
who's going to have a baby?
- Yes, I am and
I'll take this dress.
- But that's ridiculous.
- Why?
- Because, if she's
going to have a baby,
Fannie'll never
get into that dress.
(laughing)
- Don't tune to fail
in next week folks
when Furd Burfell says.
- He's right Francine,
Frank'll never get his
fanny into that frilly frock.
(laughing)
- Hey baby, I can't
understand how Fannie Farkel
could be my mother.
But, here it is, in
black and white.
(laughing)
- [NASA] Okay, you're
the first man on Mars.
We want you to
collect some rocks.
- I just picked up a
rock, it's pretty unusual.
- [NASA] What would
be unusual about a rock?
- For one thing, it just bit me.
(laughing)
- Sister, all the
nuns are going to fly
to the state legislature
to lobby against gambling.
- Well, goodness, how
did you get all that money
for the airfare?
- Oh, Father Joseph won
it in last night's bingo game.
(laughing)
- Okay, so we're marooned,
let's make the best of it.
Hey, you wanna
have a little fun?
- Yeah.
- How's about dancing?
- Good idea.
- We might as well.
(laughing)
- Boy, uh, am I bushed tonight.
Harry, Harry, I
need a pick-me-up.
I want something that
really packs a wallop.
- Sure.
- Send in the next applicant.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- My name's Frank Baxter.
- Have a chair Frank.
- Oh, thank you.
I came to apply for the
new sound effects man.
- Terrific, we need a guy
who can do all kinds of sounds.
Any kind of sound, alright?
I tell you what,
I'll read the script
and you fill in the sounds.
Do you want to use
that microphone there?
- Oh, sure, yeah.
(throat clearing)
- You tell me when you're ready.
You all set?
Alright, it all happened
the day the volcano erupted.
(bubbles popping)
(erupting)
And in fear, the
jungle animals all fled.
(bird chirping)
(grunting)
Meanwhile, in the
sleepy village, (cooing)
it's a little village,
(grasshopper chirping)
and it's sleepy, sleepy.
(snoring)
Fido, the dog,
was just waking up.
Fido, was just waking up.
(barking and yawning)
And Tippy the cat
was walking along,
minding her own business.
(meowing)
They saw each other
(growling and hissing)
and got into a terrible fight.
- Why you.
- Suddenly, they both heard
the sound of a Japanese owl.
- Asoo.
Asoo.
- Followed by a crazy ape.
(grunting)
Just then, in the nick of time,
the Queen Mary pulled in.
(horn blowing)
Aboard the ship, the passengers
were watching a movie.
(clicking)
It's a western movie.
(guns firing)
That's when the
gigantic tidal wave struck
and wiped out
everything in sight.
(crashing)
(screaming)
- Hi, I'm Glen Campbell.
(chaotic crashing)
- Oh, that's not bad Frank.
- Thank you.
Do I get the job?
- Well, I'll let you
know in a minute.
I have one more person to see.
- One more, yeah, one more.
- Hi, I do sound effects.
- Of course you do.
Let me hear you do a cow.
- Moo.
- You're hired.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- People in show
business have no privacy.
When Burt and I go out,
we have to put on a disguise
so no one will notice us.
And I feel pretty silly walking
around the supermarket
as the back-end of a horse.
(laughing)
(playful music)
It's really sort of
super being President
The President
It's really kinda
neat to be the man
Executive The White
House may be drafty
The opposition crafty
But nonetheless he
does the best he can
You bet your bloomers
There's static from the
House of Representatives
That's usual
The Senate is a
wee bit out of hand
That's possible The
Cabinet is troubled
The budget may get doubled
We hear that there's
unrest around the land
What else in new
We've got the dinners
and the protocol
And every night another ball
Those state occasions
when you must go all out
And there's those
tinges of the nation
Without rest or recreation
Yeah, but once a year
I get to throw a ball out
Missed
It's really fun to live
around the capital
Or do your weekly washing in DC
No nations criticize him
Dissenters analyze him
We've all been
realizing recently
That being Pres is really
quite a super thing to be
It's a lot of laughs (applause)
- Well, I'll tell you,
being President does
have it's drawbacks.
Like, for example, privacy.
I mean, with all those
Secret Service men around
you just can't get
a moment's privacy.
- Oh, I think you're
exaggerating dear.
- Eh, maybe so.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
(laughing)
- You know, being
President of the United States
must be an important job,
why else would he get paid
almost as much as Joe Namath.
(laughing)
- A good President and
a good Vice-President
go hand-in-hand,
but now down
Pennsylvania Avenue.
(laughing)
- I hope a member of
the Gay Liberation Party
never becomes President.
- Yeah, I mean, who'd want
to march to the song called,
Three Cheers for the
Red, White and Fuce.
(laughing)
(buzzing)
- This is the President.
What?
It's for you.
- What?
Oh tomorrow.
Fine, make it a wash,
set and manicure.
(laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in.
- Hello.
My name is Abraham Lincoln.
- It is?
That's a funny name
for a white dude.
- During the President's
historic mission to Moscow
many toasts were given
and the vodka flowed freely.
What is not so well known
is that the President prepared
for this jovial ceremony
with a secret practice session.
- We've been at this
eight hours now, Henry.
I'm getting sleepy.
- I know you are sir, but
it's important Mr. President.
Now, let's run through
it just one more time.
First, the Russian Minister
of Propaganda gives his toast.
- To peace.
- To peace.
Now, that wasn't too
bad, was it Mr. President?
(gasping)
- Fine, fine, what happens next?
- Well, next you sit down.
- Oh, funny, I thought I was.
- Then the Russian
Minister of Foreign Affairs
will give his toast.
- To America.
(glass breaking)
- And now Mr. President, it's
up to you to give your toast.
- It's what?
- It's up to you sir.
- Oh, it's up to me, very well.
I'll see you and
raise you a dollar.
- No, no, you simply
stand up and speak.
- Oh, my fellow Americans.
- No, these are Russians.
- My fellow Russians,
we have heard there are
Communists in the Kremlin.
- Well, there are
Communists in the Kremlin.
- See, Spiro was right,
they're everywhere.
- One more thing,
the closing ceremony.
One, two, three.
Sweet Adeline
- I think he's almost got it.
(laughing)
- I think Burt Reynolds
ought to be President.
There's a man who keeps
everything out in the open.
(laughing)
- Yes, James, what is it?
- Mr. President, the
inauguration is over now
and the new President is
here to take over the office.
- But I don't wanna leave.
- I'm afraid you do.
- But, I like it here.
I've got all my
stuff in the drawers
and we just had the
bathroom redone.
I like everything.
- The office is yours
now Mr. President.
- Thank you.
Whoopie.
Hey, get me any
place in the world.
It's free.
Send me up lots of food.
Oh, hello Kremlin,
President Ernie here.
Pookie, pookie, pookie.
- I bet the Marquis de Sade
would've made a great President.
He'd love to be kicked
around by the press.
(laughing)
- Well, yes, fine,
fine, good to see you.
Nice of you, would
you like a souvenir?
Would you like a pen?
- No, no, no thank you sir.
Perhaps you don't
remember, I'm your son, Billy.
- Well, of course you are.
Billy, good to see you Billy.
You voted, did you Billy?
- Absolutely.
- Nice to see you Billy.
What can I do for you?
- Well, I'm glad you asked.
I have a date tonight.
- Wonderful, wonderful,
Billy, I'm glad to hear that, Billy.
You have a date tonight, yes?
- Yes I do.
And I was wondering, since
I do have this date tonight,
could I have the
keys to Air Force One?
- No.
- Our first President
was George Washington,
who could not tell a lie.
- Sure, but don't forget,
he didn't have to make any
campaign promises either.
(laughing)
- In order to increase
the audience appeal
of press conferences and
other official addresses,
some Presidents may
resort to using formats
of successful TV shows.
- And now, from Washington,
it's the White House show
starring Richard Nixon,
with special guests
John Connolly
to sing Both Sides Now.
Doc Kissinger and the
Security Council orchestra
and me, I'm Spiro Agnew.
And, here's the President.
(applause)
- Thank you.
There he is.
Spiro how are you?
- Good to see you Dick.
- Saw Spiro on the
golf course yesterday
on the fourth hole,
one of the survivors
had him arrested
for hit and run putting.
(laughing)
- [Kissinger] Yo.
- I heard you yo.
There he is, the power
of the musical world,
Doc Henry Kissinger
and his traveling band.
(applause)
How you feeling tonight Doc?
Lovely outfit.
- Thank you.
- You look like a delegate
to the Fire Island peace talks.
(laughing)
Got a couple of good
numbers for us tonight?
- Oh, sure do.
Kremlin six, four,
six, seven, that's for all
(laughing)
and in Peking it's Chow
Mein seven, four, three, two.
- Oh Henry, you're really
the premier (mumbles).
- You're the boss.
- You had some more lines
over there, did you Doc?
- Oh, no, no, go right ahead.
- I remember when old
Henry used to be a candy bar,
now it's something women
all over the world are saying.
(laughing)
Well, moving right along.
Hey, it was really hot in
the White House today.
- How hot was it?
- Thank you, well, it was so hot
that my wage
price freeze melted.
Hey, did you read the
New York Times today?
- No, I didn't, what was in it?
- Lindbergh made it.
(laughing)
- You sure can ad lib.
- It seems a lobbyist wanted
to combine the Lincoln
and Jefferson memorials.
Lincoln will still be
sitting in his chair,
but Jefferson will
be sitting in his lap.
(laughing)
I think they're coming after us.
Thanks Doc.
Is that an audience out there
or the Democratic
National Committee?
May the bluebird of
happiness drop an egg roll
on your oil depletion allowance.
May the great amradillo of life,
climb up your nerd.
We'll be right back, after
this denial from the Pentagon.
(applauding)
Being Pres is really
quite a super thing to
Pookie, pookie, pookie
- I spent so many
years living in hotels
that, to this day, every time
my husband opens the door
for me, I give him a quarter.
(laughing)
- Excuse me sir.
I wonder if you
could spare 15 cents.
Huh, thank you.
- Hey, how come
he gave you a nickel?
- I'm his agent.
- Funny, you don't look short.
- He must know Abe Lastfogel.
- Honest Abe.
- My wife got angry with me
for feeding the
cat at the table.
The reason that she was angry is
that I was feeding
it to the dog.
(laughing)
- Oh, I see a person
is planning to hurt you
unless you give
that person money.
- That's ridiculous,
I'm not going to pay you
for telling me that nonsense.
- Oh yeah?
(laughing)
- Hi there, it's me Lisa.
I just met a city slicker who
said he was a land developer.
He wanted me to
show him a lot, and I did.
Next week he's coming
back to see some real estate.
(laughing)
- You know my husband
is Burt Bacharach
and he loves to play the piano.
In fact, when I
get ready for bed,
I have to put on a
nightgown and a candelabra.
(laughing)
- You know, last year
before the Super Bowl,
President Nixon sent a
play to the Miami Dolphins,
but Dallas still beat 'em.
- I guess that makes him
the first American President
who ever lost a Super Bowl.
(laughing)
(playful music)
(laughing)
- Geez, stranded on
an uncharted island,
what do we do to pass the time?
- Well, why don't we just
sit around and chew the fat?
- You touch me and
I'll break your arm.
(laughing)
We are three Mexican ladies
Here for a Mexican chach
But if your talking
gets boring oleo
Then maybe we'll
dance on your hat
But for yous that is
crossing the border
We have bottles
and details in order
In a way that is
slightly amusing
And we hope that
is not to confusing
Oh pavor, es da sor, el senor
We will give you
our news La da de da
Ladies and gentlemen
laughs and looks at the news
With a Dan and a
Dick (applauding)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the laughing news
with Archie Bunker being rude,
Tom McCann being shoed,
Dean Martin getting stewed,
and Burt Reynolds in the nude.
And now with the news,
here's Dan and Dick.
- But first these
news headlines.
- Oral Roberts visits Italy,
Tower of Pisa straightens up.
- 120 year old man who never
smoked, drank or fooled around
dies of boredom.
- Man holds up Gay Lib rally,
gets pinched before
he can escape.
- And now it's time for
the news of the present.
For those who don't like
the look of the present news,
here's Dick.
Dateline, Washington DC,
historians today made
the remarkable discovery
that the Wright brothers
were not the first men
to invent the airplane,
research has now proven
that the first airplane was built
by Mr. Al Bird in the year 1851.
Unfortunately, the plane
Mr. Bird built was an F-111
and he couldn't
get it off the ground.
And now here's the future
with the news of the Dan.
- Thank you sir.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- What was your name again?
- Fews of the Nuture.
- News of the future,
20 years from now,
Arthur C. Perks, the first man
to be frozen after
death in 1953,
was unfrozen this week and
sent home to Palm springs
with his family.
When asked by a
reporter how he was doing,
Mrs. Perks said,
"I don't know, he won't
come out of the refrigerator".
See he'd been frozen for
a long time, yes, thank you.
News of the future, a
thousand years from now,
the lost city of Washington DC,
an age-old mystery
was solved today
when an archaeologist
rummaging through the ruins
of the ancient
Watergate building
picked up a primitive telephone,
it was answered by
another archaeologist
rummaging through the ruins
of the ancient White House,
who immediately denied it.
- And here's Missy Sarah
with the top of the
news from Tokyo.
(gong crashing)
- Today four major
Japanese firms,
Kawasaki, Suzuki, Toshira
and Yashika merged.
Unfortunately, when a
spokesman for the company
tried to pronounce its new
name he chipped three teeth
and shredded the
end of his tongue.
- Now to the dark
continent, news from Africa.
- I want to get up a
safari to go into the jungle
to find my brother whose
been lost for 10 years.
- Don't you recognize me?
I'm your brother.
- Well, I hope you know
you just ruined a great safari.
- Hey, let's see what's
happening in the world of sports.
- First, let's run
over the scores.
- And now here's Vidal
Basoon with the bald news.
- Here's the bald news
off the top of my head.
Hollywood actor Yul
Brynner was honored tonight
as bald man of the year
at a 100 dollar a pate dinner.
I got good news for all
you bald-headed guys
in the lower income bracket.
A company has just started
manufacturing toupees
out of horses tails.
Now, contrary to
what you might think,
these toupees made
out of horses tails
are tightly woven and
look extremely natural.
Plus, they do a terrific job
of swatting the
flies off your face.
(laughing)
I'm awful proud of that.
Take it Dan and Dick.
- Here's Patti with
the business news.
- Boeing aircraft has merged
with the Acme pogo
stick corporation,
and the new
company will be called
Boing, Boing, Boing,
Boing, Boing, Boing.
- We now take you to
the black news desk.
- Hey, what it is man?
Today in the deep south
an accident occurred
when a group of whites
forced Sidney Foman,
a black man, to move
to the rear of the bus.
- Well, what
caused the accident?
- Well, at the time ol'
Sidney was driving the bus.
- And this last final item,
City Commissioner Dave
Duncan today announced plans
to investigate living
conditions in ghetto buildings.
- Hey, you know what man?
I got a lot in common
with those ghetto buildings.
- In what way?
- Well, you see,
I'm a fire trap too.
Now back to you
Steph and Fetchit
- Wait a minute, that's wrong.
Stepin Fetchit was
a funny black man.
Dick and Dan, they're not black.
- And they ain't funny either.
Oh man, I shouldn't
of said that.
(laughing)
- Did he say what
I think he said?
- Yeah, just think,
he would have been
with us one year tomorrow.
- Would've been, would've been.
It's called so long Willie.
- That's it, and Tyler.
Alright, here's a special report
for all you guys in the mob
from the godmother.
- Alice Capone here
with the syndicate news.
The syndicate merged today
with the Gay Liberation party
and, from now on, when
the mob makes a hit,
it'll be with a purse.
Also, the kiss of death now
included dinner and dancing
and a weekend
for two in Bermuda.
- Let's hear from Lucifer
and the news from hell.
- Hey, hell's bells.
Here's the news.
Well, it's gonna be a hot
time in the old town tonight,
believe me, because the old
man has finally gotten around
to updating the
facilities down here.
We're converting from
old-fashioned lava heat
to clean and modern microwave.
We figure it should cut
eternal suffering down
to a couple of hours.
- Out where the grass
is always greener.
- For the Irish news,
here's Pat and Mike.
(nonsensical singing)
- Well, the top of the
evening news to ya.
Terry Keegan is in the
hospital suffering from a hernia.
- That's ho hernia.
- Yes, that's what it is bucko.
Anyways, it happened
yesterday afternoon, you know.
Terry tied one on, went
out to kiss the Blarney Stone.
The problem was
he not only kissed it,
he tried to take it out
for dinner and dancing.
- Your attention please,
will the water skier who
interrupted the services
at the edge of Lake
Krelmen last Sunday
kindly call the
Reverend Milo T. Bots
and make arrangement to
pick up his baptismal certificate.
Thank you.
La da de dah Ladies and Gents
Laugh and look at the
news Ole (applauding)
- Hi, Lisa, still
down on the farm.
You know why I was
chosen to do the farm survey?
They told me it's because
I have a winning smile,
a pleasing personality
and a sensational lower 40.
- I gotta tell ya,
this water pollution is
getting even worse than ever.
Would you believe last night
I went to a seafood restaurant
and I ordered lobster.
And, when it came, one of
the claws was holding its nose.
- They're really having trouble
filling these 747s aren't they?
- Yeah, big.
- Yeah, this one's so empty,
the stewardesses are
walking around back there
with nothing to do.
- Well, not for long.
(laughing)
- Hey, you know what?
I just bought a Daniel
Ellsberg waterbed.
The only trouble is
it leaks all the time.
- Hey Patti, who spent
30 years in a dungeon,
never saw another human being
and traded it all away for a
chance at door number two?
- I don't know, who?
- The Count of Monty Hall.
(playful music)
- Well, since there
don't seem to be
too many questions tonight,
I think I may as well tell you
about my hunting trip to Mexico.
Just got back.
Well, we flew in
first to Mexico City.
Actually, the action took
place down in Veracruz.
(tapping)
Which is a charming town.
It's quite southerly in Mexico.
And it's located on the gulf.
Hi Dick.
It's located right on the gulf.
- How did you know it was me?
- How did I know it was you?
Well, who else would
come out here dressed
in a ridiculous ape outfit?
- And what we were
hunting, of course,
were the white-winged doves.
- That's better.
- That's what you think.
What are you doing out
here in an ape suit anyway?
- Please do not
use the term ape.
- Ape, why not?
- We members of the United
Gorilla Assistance League,
frown upon it.
- The United Gorilla
Assistance League?
- Yes.
- You belong to some
kind of a gorilla club?
- Yes, as a
matter of fact, I do.
50 of us put on
these gorilla suits
and meet once a month.
- Where do you meet?
- Any place we want.
- Tell me about
this gorilla club.
- Well, it's very,
very exclusive.
To become a junior member
you must shoot five gorillas.
- Well, how do you
become a senior member?
- You must shoot
five junior members.
That's what keeps
the club very exclusive.
- Come on, you don't
really shoot gorillas.
- No, I was joshing you.
We have other ways
to fight that problem.
- Fight what problem?
- The GPE we call it.
- What's that?
- It's the Gorilla
Population Explosion.
- There's a population
explosion in gorillas?
- Oh, I guess so.
Well, we have, you see,
what we do, it's a problem
that is inherent with gorillas.
The gorilla has a lot
of trouble saying no.
Even to another gorilla.
Yes, so, this August
will be our third trip
to the rainforests
of the African Congo.
Where we will infiltrate
the gorilla herds
and work on the problem.
- Infiltrate?
- Infiltrate.
- I've never heard you
read a speech so well.
- I-N-Filtrate.
- Oh, you were
right, you were right.
- Thank you.
- How do you slow up a
gorilla population explosion?
- In many ways.
- In many ways.
- First, we distribute leaflets
describing the benefits
of planned parenting.
Sometimes we take
the female gorilla aside
and hit her alongside
the head with a rock.
- Well what's that for?
- That's to teach them
about having headaches.
- You mean to tell me you
people put on gorilla suits
and you really live
among real live gorillas?
- Yes, we live like they do.
We eat roots and wild celery,
bark and fibrous materials
from coconut trees.
- Fibrous material?
- Fiber.
- You're a whole new
person out here today.
Hey, put the head back
on so I'll know who you are.
What do you do after
you eat all that stuff?
What do you drink?
- Pepto Bismol mostly.
- How do you protect yourself
if the gorillas find you out
and they know you're
not a real gorilla?
- Well, we out-fox them you see.
We carry bananas.
- Gorillas don't like bananas?
- Not up their nose they don't.
(laughing)
(growling)
Be with you in a second Helen.
- Is that one of your
members or another gorilla?
- I don't ask questions,
I just have fun.
Coming Helen.
(applauding)
- So, anyway, we
were shooting doves.
- Hi, this is Lisa again.
You know, some people say
that a farmer education isn't
as good as a city education,
but, that's not true.
Believe me, you don't learn
half as much behind a desk
as you do behind a barn.
- Well, it's Friday,
you got paid today,
where's the money?
- Oh, well, here it is.
- What is this,
where's the rest of it?
You're 275 dollars short.
- I just stopped off
for a glass of wine.
- Well, where could you
possibly spend 275 dollars
for a glass of wine?
- Paris.
(laughing)
- I tell ya man, it's tough
being the black sheep
of the Farkell family.
During the winter,
when somebody says,
throw another log on the fire,
I had to hide behind the couch.
- I've been in the
saddle for 10 days.
- Where'd you start from?
- Yuma.
- Yuma?
That's only 10 miles from
here, what took you so long?
- I didn't have a horse.
- You know, when
I was five years old,
my folks gave me
a room of my own,
the only trouble was,
it as at the YWCA.
- Boy, we're both
sentenced to stay here
'til we're almost
dead from hunger.
Then you're to be hanged
and I'm to be burned.
What do you say
we bust out of here?
- Are you kidding, do you
want to get us in trouble?
- Well sweetheart, where
else did William Morris fuck ya?
- Ah, waitress.
- Hmm?
- Ah, there's a dead
bug in my soup.
- Oh, a dead bug.
Oh, there is a dead
bug in your soup.
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.
Harry, Harry,
there's a dead bug
in this lady's soup.
- Right on.
(trumpeting)
- In Italy, my show is called,
Whadda you say we make a deal.
Recently, a young man from
Palermo came to the show
dressed as a sausage pizza,
and the audience ate him.
- Hey Fred.
- What is it Charlie?
- It's time to land this thing.
- What do you want from me?
You're the pilot.
- No, no, no, you're the pilot.
- Oh yeah, that's right, okay.
- What do you want me to do?
- Well, you can
stay up here with me
and hold my drink.
Or you can go in the
back and lead the hymns.
Wee.
- Sometimes I hear people say,
to make it in show
business it's who you know.
Well, that's not true.
It's really how well
you know them.
(laughing)
All around the neighborhood
Everybody's feelin'
good Help is on its way
Oh happy day
- Hey look, you ready
to go to the party?
- Oh, what party is this?
- You know, the block party.
- No way man.
Now, if it was a
black party, I might go.
- Look, why you so prejudiced?
- I ain't prejudiced
man, I'm just particular.
What's the party for anyway?
- Well, we're welcoming a new
family into the neighborhood.
- You kiddin' man, you
shouldn't welcome 'em,
you should warn 'em.
- About what?
About gettin' inisty before they
move into the neighborhood.
- Wait, there's nothing
wrong with this neighborhood.
- You know another neighborhood
where the welcome wagon
drives around in an armored car?
Oh happy day
(applauding)
- Oh Gladys, have you
seen that new eyelash stick
that makes your
lashes look longer?
- Oh, yeah, I used to
use it, but I had to quit.
- Why?
- Well, it made my
eyelashes so long
that when I blinked,
it whipped my nose.
- Okay, take off your blouse.
- Sure baby.
What do you want to do?
- Build a tent.
- Yeah, with a carport.
- Maybe a nice
little gazebo in back.
- And a sun deck on the roof.
And a partridge in a pear tree
(playful music)
(triumphant music)
- Well, it's time
once again for the
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- And, who gets
the in, extrinsic.
- Extrinsic?
- Extrinsic extremity tonight?
- Well, you got
pretty close to it.
- Huh, Sandy.
- I tell you who's going to get
the extrinsic extremity tonight,
an overzealous traffic
officer on the Baltimore
police department.
- The Baltimore
police department?
- The Baltimore, Maryland
police department, yeah.
According to this article
in the Baltimore Sun,
it seems that a few minutes
before it was due at a funeral,
a hearse was hitched to a
police tow truck and hauled away.
- The buzz departed
with the departed.
- Exactly my dear sir.
The driver of the hearse had
parked it in a No Parking zone
in front of city hall
while he went inside
to get a death certificate.
And when he returned, the
hearse had been impounded.
- Well, I'd call
that a stiff penalty.
- Or can you imagine
how the driver felt
when he saw the hearse was gone.
- Not gone, just passed on
to that great traffic
court in the sky.
- That's right.
Eventually the funeral
director was able
to get the hearse release
through the mayor's office,
but, it was too
late for the funeral.
- So, in lieu of flowers,
Baltimore police department,
here is the Fickle
Finger of Fate,
may you arrest in peace.
- And here's a friendly warning
to you Baltimore hearse drivers,
be on the lookout for chalk
marks on your caskets.
(laughing)
- Sonny, sonny, sonny.
- What?
- Which way is Gettysburg?
- Well, it's that way, but
you're too late, the war's over.
- Where've you been?
- Canada.
- Canada?
- Has anyone said anything
about amnesty lately?
(laughing)
- Wait, wait, wait,
what are you doin'?
- Speed reading.
(laughing)
- You know, I
don't really go along
with all this Women's Lib stuff,
I want to be
treated like a lady.
I mean, if a man doesn't
treat me like a lady,
I'd punch him right in the
mouth with my new book.
(laughing)
- And now by simply following
the Gary Owen opera rules,
we'll teach you
the proper etiquette
for watching the New
York City Opera Company.
Number one, never call
out, you sing good fatso
to the lead soprano
when you enjoy her voice.
- When I was a young
girl, I fought for my virtue,
and I won, darn it.
- If you swig wine from
a bottle in a paper bag,
be sure it is a red
ripple for Italian opera,
and a white ripple
for German opera.
- I prefer shorty nightgowns
because I don't sleep very long.
- During intermission
at the opera,
never attempt to share
the spareribs you brought
in a paper sack with
the person next to you.
- With you on this island,
there's barely enough
room for the two of us.
- Yeah, then you
better cross your finger
that my girdle doesn't snap.
(laughing)
- At the opera, when making
a loud raspberry sound
during a quiet death scene,
avoid guffawing afterward.
That is considered crass.
- You know, I have a
brother who's six feet eight
and that's what
I call a long Hall.
- Nurse.
- Huh?
- I'm bored.
What can I do?
- Why don't you try to
start making out a will?
- Sister, is it difficult
to get used to wearing
the same outfit all the time?
- No, it's just a
habit you get into.
(laughing)
- You know, I have discovered
being a farmer's daughter
is no bed of roses,
there's all those
crops to rotate
and all those traveling
salesman to put up.
Or is it all those
crops to put up
and all those traveling
salesmen to rotate.
Oh, I think I'll
go out for a spin.
(laughing)
- Hey Willie, where's Lester?
- I don't know Dan, I've
been looking all over for him.
I haven't seen him.
- [Lester] Let me out of here.
Let me out of here.
- Lester, what have
they done to you Lester?
- [Lester] I don't know,
but get me out of here.
- My little pal Lester.
- This is a rubber stamp with
my telephone number on it.
I'm gonna go down
to muscle beach
and stamp a few surfers with it.
It says, for mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation,
dial 555-1222.
- This is your first
officer speaking.
There is no cause for alarm.
But, would all passengers
fasten their seat-belts
until further notice.
I repeat, there is
no cause for alarm.
- What's wrong?
- Ah, nothing.
Stewardess just told me the
drinks weren't moving too well.
They'll move now.
(laughing)
I'll help 'em along.
- You know my
husband Burt Bacharach
would practice
playing constantly.
But, I tell him,
Burt, stop playing
and get back to that piano.
(laughing)
- Good evening America.
General Bullride here,
along with my loyal
son right here on my left,
I want you to watch that boy.
A real chip off the old
blockade, Ulysses S. Patton
MacArthur Wright we call 'em US.
Love 'em or leave 'em.
Hey son, your
fidgeting a lot there boy.
Where were you this morning?
I missed you at breakfast.
- I went out in the
dawns early light, sir,
to see if our flag
was still there.
- Good boy.
- Now US writes
songs, is that right son?
- Yes sir, dad sir.
- At rest son.
Now, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Tell me what songs have
you written this week?
- Well, I got a new one
called Moon over My Army.
- Yeah.
- And a catchy
little thing called
I've Got You Under My Fatigues.
- That's swell son.
- And a real winner, I Lost
My Stripes in San Francisco.
- Well, how about
singing that toe-tapper,
the one we like to march
around to here in the barracks.
- Yes sir.
The John Birch Society
Is to liberal for me
Catch a hippie by the toe
If he hollers don't let go
Punch a pinko if you can
Give him one for my old man
And if John Birch disagrees
Hit him in the nose for me
- I bet there ain't a
dry eye in this platoon.
10 hut.
- Don't let 'em know
you're weak dad.
(laughing)
- Oh, I'll never forget
my honeymoon night.
It was so romantic,
when my husband rolled
me across the threshold.
- Leonard.
- What is it?
- You are the light of my life,
the light of my love.
- That goes for me double.
Where is my double?
- Right there.
- A toast to our love.
(laughing)
- You know, it's funny,
it didn't look like rain
when we left the house.
(playful music)
(laughing)
- Well, that was fun.
Hey, let's show the folks
what we've cooked
up for next week.
- You know, that reminds me
of what my Aunt Louise said
the time she was caught
after-hours in the Oval Room
of the White House.
I thought maybe you'd
like to hear about it.
- No, Dick, not now, not ever.
- That's exactly what
she said, how'd you know?
- Just took a wild guess.
And next week's show
gonna be kinda wild too.
Take a look at that.
(applauding)
- [Narrator] Our guest
star, Phyllis Diller.
(applauding)
And a special cameo
appearance by Oral Roberts,
Paul Gilbert.
- Okay, what does a Chinese
girl do for a broken arm, Patsy?
- Oh, I don't know Dan.
- Well, she wears
a Singapore sling.
(laughing)
- What's yellow and
puckers when it sings?
- I don't know, what?
The Lemon Si, Sisters.
(laughing)
- The Lemon Sisters.
- Who lived in Sherwood Forest
and sat on the front of cars?
- I don't know, who?
- Robin Hood Ornament.
- Who did great paintings
and sat on the front of cars?
- I don't know, who?
- Leon Auto DeVincio
(laughing)
- Where do famous movie stars go
to put their footprints in slop?
- [Dick] I don't know, where?
- Raman's Chinese Pig Farm.
- Funny.
- Okay, what trio of famous
swordsman went around France
fighting and crying.
- [Woman] I don't know, who?
- The Three Muskateardrops.
(laughing)
- Wait a second.
What cleaning
apparatus, she cried,
was the first President
of the United States?
- We don't know.
- George Washing Machine.
- If you think that's
funny, did you hear,
- It's time to say
goodnight Dick.
- If you think that's funny,
did you hear about
the guy who fell asleep
in the dental school graduation?
- No, what happened to him?
- Well, when he woke up, his
teeth were capped and gowned.
(laughing)
Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
- Ya, ya, ya, ya,
goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Sayonara Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick
and goodnight Spiro.
(foreign language)
(laughing)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(gong crashing)
- Goodnight Dick.
(playful music)
see General Kramen,
I must see General Kramen.
- It's Colonel Kramen and
he's not here, he's out on patrol.
- Ah, that's alright,
I'll wait until he become
General Kramen.
(laughing)
(moose calling)
- Oh why?
Why can't we have a cuckoo
clock like everybody else?
(laughing)
- My husband, Burt Bacharach,
says he can only write songs
when he's completely relaxed,
which is okay,
but it sure gets uncomfortable
with that piano in our bed.
(laughing)
(gonging)
(fog horn blowing)
(laughing)
- Boy, I'd give anything
to see a woman coming
walking up that beach.
- Yeah.
- Boy, I'd give anything
to see a woman come
walking up that beach.
(laughing)
- I was swimming out
in the ocean yesterday
when a shark swam up to me.
Boy, you've never
heard such cries for help.
The lifeguard finally swam out
and told the shark to shut up.
(laughing)
- Nurse.
- Huh.
- When will I be on
the road to recovery?
- Oh, you were on
that road last night,
but then you took a wrong turn.
(laughing)
- We better hurry
dear, I'm expecting.
- Alright, but don't name
the buffalo after me.
(laughing)
- Hi, it's time to hit
the road with Lisa.
This week, Laugh-In has me
taking a survey of the farm belt,
and boy have I been busy.
Every morning I get up at five,
get in the alfalfa by noon,
get in the corn by six,
and get in the hay by nine.
(laughing)
- Oh, Sarah, what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm buttering up the boss.
- Mind if I join in?
- No.
- Good.
(laughing)
- Ah, he hasn't
laid a glove on me,
I ain't hurt a bit.
- Then what are you
doing in my corner?
(laughing)
- You know, the most
exciting appearance
on Let's Make a Deal
was a fat, gamy contestant
in the costume of a bear.
The excitement started
when we found out
she wasn't wearing a costume.
(laughing)
- Can I borrow that five
dollar bill you've been saving?
- Well, I haven't got it
on account of it's Lent.
- Oh, I see, well, I'll
ask Mother Superior.
- Don't bother,
that's who I lent it to.
(laughing)
- You call yourselves men?
I want you to dress like
men and look like men.
Now adjust those lace cuffs,
get those wigs on straight
and get the pigtails hanging
right straight down your back.
That's better fellas.
(laughing)
- I'd like to buy a kiss,
but, all I have is
this 100 dollar bill.
Oh, well that
happens to be the price
of our opening day special.
(laughing)
- Hey, I bet you didn't know,
an apple a day
keeps the doctor away,
especially if you hit him
right in the mouth with it.
(laughing)
- What's the trouble?
- Well, let me put it this way,
I've got some good
news and some bad news.
- What's the bad news?
- The wings are covered
with sheets of ice.
- Well, what's the good news?
- The flames from
the engines will melt it.
(laughing)
- I came to this
little restaurant
and ordered stuffed mushrooms.
The waiter says, "You're
making a big mistake".
I said, "I'll have the
stuffed mushrooms".
The waiter says, "You're
making a big mistake".
I said, "I want the mushrooms".
(groaning)
- I told you you were
making a big mistake.
(laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-in.
Starring Dan Rowan,
Dick Martin,
with cameo guests
Angie Dickinson,
Totie Fields, Monty
Hall, and Frank Welker.
And our regular
cuckoos, Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen, Patti
Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk, Willie
Tyler and Lester,
Lisa Farringer, and
me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this word for all
you karate experts,
Hi.
(laughing)
- [Gary] And now, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Thank you.
That's very nice of you,
thank you very much.
It's nice to have...
- Is she here?
- Is what?
- Is she here?
- Is who here?
- My blind date, Wilma
"the pig" Henderson.
(laughing)
- Let me guess, somebody
fixed you up with an ugly girl?
- Well, she was
either an ugly girl
or a very attractive goat.
(laughing)
- Well, how did it end?
- Ah, well, I went to one of
those computer dating services.
I would have been better
off dating the computer.
- It really was bad huh?
(groaning)
Well, it can happen.
- When I first looked
at her, you know,
I thought she had
a bad complexion.
- She didn't, what
was her problem?
- Harpoon scars.
(laughing)
- Well, when you go to one
of those computer places
don't they show you a picture
of her before you went out?
- Yes they did.
- You saw a picture?
- Yes, they showed me a
picture of her riding a buffalo,
and that's where I
made my mistake.
- What do you mean,
you made your mistake?
- I thought the one on
the bottom was the buffalo.
(laughing)
- Now what was a
buffalo doing on her back?
- Just facing the
other way, watching.
(laughing)
- Well, I hope at least
you conducted yourself
like a gentlemen.
Every now and then a
fella gets stuck like that,
you take her out to dinner...
- I didn't have to.
She invited me up to her place.
Ah, it was kinda nice,
as a matter of fact
everything went just
fine until the accident.
- What accident?
- Well, she was
reaching for the lard
when she slipped
and fell into her trough.
(laughing)
- Well, I hope she wasn't hurt.
- Nah, she just chipped
a little piece off her back.
(laughing)
- Well, I guess you're not going
to be seeing ol'
Wilma again, huh?
- Nah, only long enough
to get my shoe back.
- Your shoe back?
- Yeah, I let her borrow it,
her nose was cold.
(laughing)
- Today's astrological
sign is Libra.
If you are a frog, this
would be an ideal time
to grow a wart on
someone you love.
If you are lucky, you will
not find yourself followed
by a strange man named Helen.
On Sunday, you will
have an overpowering urge
to build a cocoon.
But, have no fear, for
you will overcome this urge
as soon as you
turn into a butterfly.
(laughing)
- People just think
of me as a sex symbol
and that I haven't
got a brain in my head.
That aren't true no hows.
(laughing)
- [Woman] Dancing
in the dark (crashing)
(laughing)
- You know, I feel great.
I went on Dr. Stillman's
diet yesterday,
and I must say, he is delicious.
(laughing)
- Hey Charlie.
What's our altitude?
- 3,000 feet.
- Good, what's our air speed?
- Zero.
- Zero, what does that mean?
- It means we've just
made a perfect landing
on top of Mt. Wilson.
(laughing)
- My doctor put me
on a low salt diet.
That means that I can only
fool around with short sailors.
(laughing)
- Did you hear about
the eagle that fell in love
with the 747 jet?
- No, what happened?
- Nothin'.
When the eagle
saw the plane land
and the passengers get off,
he said, it wouldn't
have worked out anyway,
she's pregnant.
(laughing)
Doesn't that kill ya?
(mumbles)
(sneezing)
- Hi, Lisa again
down on the farm.
You know, I've learned
a lot from this job.
For example, do you know
that the government pays farmers
not to fool around with crops?
I wonder how much
they would pay me
not to fool around with farmers.
(laughing)
- You call that chicken salad?
- Yes, it was chicken salad.
- But it didn't taste like it.
- Oh, shut up.
(yelling)
- All we ever do
is fight, fight, fight.
Can't we ever do
anything together?
- Yeah, good idea,
tomorrow night,
I'll get home early,
we'll go to the fights.
(laughing)
- How long you been a bum?
- I beg your pardon,
I'm not a bum.
I'm temporarily down on my luck.
- How long you been
temporarily down on your luck?
- 35 years.
- You bum.
(laughing)
- I went to the
racetrack the other day
and bet on a horse
named Let's Make a Deal.
Now, it wasn't hard to spot him,
he was the only one being ridden
by a five foot tall cantaloupe.
(laughing)
- As you know friends,
Fannie Farkel is going
to have a baby any day now.
And, it's as plain as
the nose on your face.
Which shows what I
know about having babies.
- Fannie Farkel is going to
have a baby any day now.
Hark, who can that be?
(doorbell ringing)
- Hello, I'm Francine.
I'm selling these.
Do you know anybody
who's going to have a baby?
- Nope, can't say I do.
- What about me?
- Of course, do you know anybody
who's going to have a baby?
- Yes, I am and
I'll take this dress.
- But that's ridiculous.
- Why?
- Because, if she's
going to have a baby,
Fannie'll never
get into that dress.
(laughing)
- Don't tune to fail
in next week folks
when Furd Burfell says.
- He's right Francine,
Frank'll never get his
fanny into that frilly frock.
(laughing)
- Hey baby, I can't
understand how Fannie Farkel
could be my mother.
But, here it is, in
black and white.
(laughing)
- [NASA] Okay, you're
the first man on Mars.
We want you to
collect some rocks.
- I just picked up a
rock, it's pretty unusual.
- [NASA] What would
be unusual about a rock?
- For one thing, it just bit me.
(laughing)
- Sister, all the
nuns are going to fly
to the state legislature
to lobby against gambling.
- Well, goodness, how
did you get all that money
for the airfare?
- Oh, Father Joseph won
it in last night's bingo game.
(laughing)
- Okay, so we're marooned,
let's make the best of it.
Hey, you wanna
have a little fun?
- Yeah.
- How's about dancing?
- Good idea.
- We might as well.
(laughing)
- Boy, uh, am I bushed tonight.
Harry, Harry, I
need a pick-me-up.
I want something that
really packs a wallop.
- Sure.
- Send in the next applicant.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- My name's Frank Baxter.
- Have a chair Frank.
- Oh, thank you.
I came to apply for the
new sound effects man.
- Terrific, we need a guy
who can do all kinds of sounds.
Any kind of sound, alright?
I tell you what,
I'll read the script
and you fill in the sounds.
Do you want to use
that microphone there?
- Oh, sure, yeah.
(throat clearing)
- You tell me when you're ready.
You all set?
Alright, it all happened
the day the volcano erupted.
(bubbles popping)
(erupting)
And in fear, the
jungle animals all fled.
(bird chirping)
(grunting)
Meanwhile, in the
sleepy village, (cooing)
it's a little village,
(grasshopper chirping)
and it's sleepy, sleepy.
(snoring)
Fido, the dog,
was just waking up.
Fido, was just waking up.
(barking and yawning)
And Tippy the cat
was walking along,
minding her own business.
(meowing)
They saw each other
(growling and hissing)
and got into a terrible fight.
- Why you.
- Suddenly, they both heard
the sound of a Japanese owl.
- Asoo.
Asoo.
- Followed by a crazy ape.
(grunting)
Just then, in the nick of time,
the Queen Mary pulled in.
(horn blowing)
Aboard the ship, the passengers
were watching a movie.
(clicking)
It's a western movie.
(guns firing)
That's when the
gigantic tidal wave struck
and wiped out
everything in sight.
(crashing)
(screaming)
- Hi, I'm Glen Campbell.
(chaotic crashing)
- Oh, that's not bad Frank.
- Thank you.
Do I get the job?
- Well, I'll let you
know in a minute.
I have one more person to see.
- One more, yeah, one more.
- Hi, I do sound effects.
- Of course you do.
Let me hear you do a cow.
- Moo.
- You're hired.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- People in show
business have no privacy.
When Burt and I go out,
we have to put on a disguise
so no one will notice us.
And I feel pretty silly walking
around the supermarket
as the back-end of a horse.
(laughing)
(playful music)
It's really sort of
super being President
The President
It's really kinda
neat to be the man
Executive The White
House may be drafty
The opposition crafty
But nonetheless he
does the best he can
You bet your bloomers
There's static from the
House of Representatives
That's usual
The Senate is a
wee bit out of hand
That's possible The
Cabinet is troubled
The budget may get doubled
We hear that there's
unrest around the land
What else in new
We've got the dinners
and the protocol
And every night another ball
Those state occasions
when you must go all out
And there's those
tinges of the nation
Without rest or recreation
Yeah, but once a year
I get to throw a ball out
Missed
It's really fun to live
around the capital
Or do your weekly washing in DC
No nations criticize him
Dissenters analyze him
We've all been
realizing recently
That being Pres is really
quite a super thing to be
It's a lot of laughs (applause)
- Well, I'll tell you,
being President does
have it's drawbacks.
Like, for example, privacy.
I mean, with all those
Secret Service men around
you just can't get
a moment's privacy.
- Oh, I think you're
exaggerating dear.
- Eh, maybe so.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
(laughing)
- You know, being
President of the United States
must be an important job,
why else would he get paid
almost as much as Joe Namath.
(laughing)
- A good President and
a good Vice-President
go hand-in-hand,
but now down
Pennsylvania Avenue.
(laughing)
- I hope a member of
the Gay Liberation Party
never becomes President.
- Yeah, I mean, who'd want
to march to the song called,
Three Cheers for the
Red, White and Fuce.
(laughing)
(buzzing)
- This is the President.
What?
It's for you.
- What?
Oh tomorrow.
Fine, make it a wash,
set and manicure.
(laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in.
- Hello.
My name is Abraham Lincoln.
- It is?
That's a funny name
for a white dude.
- During the President's
historic mission to Moscow
many toasts were given
and the vodka flowed freely.
What is not so well known
is that the President prepared
for this jovial ceremony
with a secret practice session.
- We've been at this
eight hours now, Henry.
I'm getting sleepy.
- I know you are sir, but
it's important Mr. President.
Now, let's run through
it just one more time.
First, the Russian Minister
of Propaganda gives his toast.
- To peace.
- To peace.
Now, that wasn't too
bad, was it Mr. President?
(gasping)
- Fine, fine, what happens next?
- Well, next you sit down.
- Oh, funny, I thought I was.
- Then the Russian
Minister of Foreign Affairs
will give his toast.
- To America.
(glass breaking)
- And now Mr. President, it's
up to you to give your toast.
- It's what?
- It's up to you sir.
- Oh, it's up to me, very well.
I'll see you and
raise you a dollar.
- No, no, you simply
stand up and speak.
- Oh, my fellow Americans.
- No, these are Russians.
- My fellow Russians,
we have heard there are
Communists in the Kremlin.
- Well, there are
Communists in the Kremlin.
- See, Spiro was right,
they're everywhere.
- One more thing,
the closing ceremony.
One, two, three.
Sweet Adeline
- I think he's almost got it.
(laughing)
- I think Burt Reynolds
ought to be President.
There's a man who keeps
everything out in the open.
(laughing)
- Yes, James, what is it?
- Mr. President, the
inauguration is over now
and the new President is
here to take over the office.
- But I don't wanna leave.
- I'm afraid you do.
- But, I like it here.
I've got all my
stuff in the drawers
and we just had the
bathroom redone.
I like everything.
- The office is yours
now Mr. President.
- Thank you.
Whoopie.
Hey, get me any
place in the world.
It's free.
Send me up lots of food.
Oh, hello Kremlin,
President Ernie here.
Pookie, pookie, pookie.
- I bet the Marquis de Sade
would've made a great President.
He'd love to be kicked
around by the press.
(laughing)
- Well, yes, fine,
fine, good to see you.
Nice of you, would
you like a souvenir?
Would you like a pen?
- No, no, no thank you sir.
Perhaps you don't
remember, I'm your son, Billy.
- Well, of course you are.
Billy, good to see you Billy.
You voted, did you Billy?
- Absolutely.
- Nice to see you Billy.
What can I do for you?
- Well, I'm glad you asked.
I have a date tonight.
- Wonderful, wonderful,
Billy, I'm glad to hear that, Billy.
You have a date tonight, yes?
- Yes I do.
And I was wondering, since
I do have this date tonight,
could I have the
keys to Air Force One?
- No.
- Our first President
was George Washington,
who could not tell a lie.
- Sure, but don't forget,
he didn't have to make any
campaign promises either.
(laughing)
- In order to increase
the audience appeal
of press conferences and
other official addresses,
some Presidents may
resort to using formats
of successful TV shows.
- And now, from Washington,
it's the White House show
starring Richard Nixon,
with special guests
John Connolly
to sing Both Sides Now.
Doc Kissinger and the
Security Council orchestra
and me, I'm Spiro Agnew.
And, here's the President.
(applause)
- Thank you.
There he is.
Spiro how are you?
- Good to see you Dick.
- Saw Spiro on the
golf course yesterday
on the fourth hole,
one of the survivors
had him arrested
for hit and run putting.
(laughing)
- [Kissinger] Yo.
- I heard you yo.
There he is, the power
of the musical world,
Doc Henry Kissinger
and his traveling band.
(applause)
How you feeling tonight Doc?
Lovely outfit.
- Thank you.
- You look like a delegate
to the Fire Island peace talks.
(laughing)
Got a couple of good
numbers for us tonight?
- Oh, sure do.
Kremlin six, four,
six, seven, that's for all
(laughing)
and in Peking it's Chow
Mein seven, four, three, two.
- Oh Henry, you're really
the premier (mumbles).
- You're the boss.
- You had some more lines
over there, did you Doc?
- Oh, no, no, go right ahead.
- I remember when old
Henry used to be a candy bar,
now it's something women
all over the world are saying.
(laughing)
Well, moving right along.
Hey, it was really hot in
the White House today.
- How hot was it?
- Thank you, well, it was so hot
that my wage
price freeze melted.
Hey, did you read the
New York Times today?
- No, I didn't, what was in it?
- Lindbergh made it.
(laughing)
- You sure can ad lib.
- It seems a lobbyist wanted
to combine the Lincoln
and Jefferson memorials.
Lincoln will still be
sitting in his chair,
but Jefferson will
be sitting in his lap.
(laughing)
I think they're coming after us.
Thanks Doc.
Is that an audience out there
or the Democratic
National Committee?
May the bluebird of
happiness drop an egg roll
on your oil depletion allowance.
May the great amradillo of life,
climb up your nerd.
We'll be right back, after
this denial from the Pentagon.
(applauding)
Being Pres is really
quite a super thing to
Pookie, pookie, pookie
- I spent so many
years living in hotels
that, to this day, every time
my husband opens the door
for me, I give him a quarter.
(laughing)
- Excuse me sir.
I wonder if you
could spare 15 cents.
Huh, thank you.
- Hey, how come
he gave you a nickel?
- I'm his agent.
- Funny, you don't look short.
- He must know Abe Lastfogel.
- Honest Abe.
- My wife got angry with me
for feeding the
cat at the table.
The reason that she was angry is
that I was feeding
it to the dog.
(laughing)
- Oh, I see a person
is planning to hurt you
unless you give
that person money.
- That's ridiculous,
I'm not going to pay you
for telling me that nonsense.
- Oh yeah?
(laughing)
- Hi there, it's me Lisa.
I just met a city slicker who
said he was a land developer.
He wanted me to
show him a lot, and I did.
Next week he's coming
back to see some real estate.
(laughing)
- You know my husband
is Burt Bacharach
and he loves to play the piano.
In fact, when I
get ready for bed,
I have to put on a
nightgown and a candelabra.
(laughing)
- You know, last year
before the Super Bowl,
President Nixon sent a
play to the Miami Dolphins,
but Dallas still beat 'em.
- I guess that makes him
the first American President
who ever lost a Super Bowl.
(laughing)
(playful music)
(laughing)
- Geez, stranded on
an uncharted island,
what do we do to pass the time?
- Well, why don't we just
sit around and chew the fat?
- You touch me and
I'll break your arm.
(laughing)
We are three Mexican ladies
Here for a Mexican chach
But if your talking
gets boring oleo
Then maybe we'll
dance on your hat
But for yous that is
crossing the border
We have bottles
and details in order
In a way that is
slightly amusing
And we hope that
is not to confusing
Oh pavor, es da sor, el senor
We will give you
our news La da de da
Ladies and gentlemen
laughs and looks at the news
With a Dan and a
Dick (applauding)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the laughing news
with Archie Bunker being rude,
Tom McCann being shoed,
Dean Martin getting stewed,
and Burt Reynolds in the nude.
And now with the news,
here's Dan and Dick.
- But first these
news headlines.
- Oral Roberts visits Italy,
Tower of Pisa straightens up.
- 120 year old man who never
smoked, drank or fooled around
dies of boredom.
- Man holds up Gay Lib rally,
gets pinched before
he can escape.
- And now it's time for
the news of the present.
For those who don't like
the look of the present news,
here's Dick.
Dateline, Washington DC,
historians today made
the remarkable discovery
that the Wright brothers
were not the first men
to invent the airplane,
research has now proven
that the first airplane was built
by Mr. Al Bird in the year 1851.
Unfortunately, the plane
Mr. Bird built was an F-111
and he couldn't
get it off the ground.
And now here's the future
with the news of the Dan.
- Thank you sir.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- What was your name again?
- Fews of the Nuture.
- News of the future,
20 years from now,
Arthur C. Perks, the first man
to be frozen after
death in 1953,
was unfrozen this week and
sent home to Palm springs
with his family.
When asked by a
reporter how he was doing,
Mrs. Perks said,
"I don't know, he won't
come out of the refrigerator".
See he'd been frozen for
a long time, yes, thank you.
News of the future, a
thousand years from now,
the lost city of Washington DC,
an age-old mystery
was solved today
when an archaeologist
rummaging through the ruins
of the ancient
Watergate building
picked up a primitive telephone,
it was answered by
another archaeologist
rummaging through the ruins
of the ancient White House,
who immediately denied it.
- And here's Missy Sarah
with the top of the
news from Tokyo.
(gong crashing)
- Today four major
Japanese firms,
Kawasaki, Suzuki, Toshira
and Yashika merged.
Unfortunately, when a
spokesman for the company
tried to pronounce its new
name he chipped three teeth
and shredded the
end of his tongue.
- Now to the dark
continent, news from Africa.
- I want to get up a
safari to go into the jungle
to find my brother whose
been lost for 10 years.
- Don't you recognize me?
I'm your brother.
- Well, I hope you know
you just ruined a great safari.
- Hey, let's see what's
happening in the world of sports.
- First, let's run
over the scores.
- And now here's Vidal
Basoon with the bald news.
- Here's the bald news
off the top of my head.
Hollywood actor Yul
Brynner was honored tonight
as bald man of the year
at a 100 dollar a pate dinner.
I got good news for all
you bald-headed guys
in the lower income bracket.
A company has just started
manufacturing toupees
out of horses tails.
Now, contrary to
what you might think,
these toupees made
out of horses tails
are tightly woven and
look extremely natural.
Plus, they do a terrific job
of swatting the
flies off your face.
(laughing)
I'm awful proud of that.
Take it Dan and Dick.
- Here's Patti with
the business news.
- Boeing aircraft has merged
with the Acme pogo
stick corporation,
and the new
company will be called
Boing, Boing, Boing,
Boing, Boing, Boing.
- We now take you to
the black news desk.
- Hey, what it is man?
Today in the deep south
an accident occurred
when a group of whites
forced Sidney Foman,
a black man, to move
to the rear of the bus.
- Well, what
caused the accident?
- Well, at the time ol'
Sidney was driving the bus.
- And this last final item,
City Commissioner Dave
Duncan today announced plans
to investigate living
conditions in ghetto buildings.
- Hey, you know what man?
I got a lot in common
with those ghetto buildings.
- In what way?
- Well, you see,
I'm a fire trap too.
Now back to you
Steph and Fetchit
- Wait a minute, that's wrong.
Stepin Fetchit was
a funny black man.
Dick and Dan, they're not black.
- And they ain't funny either.
Oh man, I shouldn't
of said that.
(laughing)
- Did he say what
I think he said?
- Yeah, just think,
he would have been
with us one year tomorrow.
- Would've been, would've been.
It's called so long Willie.
- That's it, and Tyler.
Alright, here's a special report
for all you guys in the mob
from the godmother.
- Alice Capone here
with the syndicate news.
The syndicate merged today
with the Gay Liberation party
and, from now on, when
the mob makes a hit,
it'll be with a purse.
Also, the kiss of death now
included dinner and dancing
and a weekend
for two in Bermuda.
- Let's hear from Lucifer
and the news from hell.
- Hey, hell's bells.
Here's the news.
Well, it's gonna be a hot
time in the old town tonight,
believe me, because the old
man has finally gotten around
to updating the
facilities down here.
We're converting from
old-fashioned lava heat
to clean and modern microwave.
We figure it should cut
eternal suffering down
to a couple of hours.
- Out where the grass
is always greener.
- For the Irish news,
here's Pat and Mike.
(nonsensical singing)
- Well, the top of the
evening news to ya.
Terry Keegan is in the
hospital suffering from a hernia.
- That's ho hernia.
- Yes, that's what it is bucko.
Anyways, it happened
yesterday afternoon, you know.
Terry tied one on, went
out to kiss the Blarney Stone.
The problem was
he not only kissed it,
he tried to take it out
for dinner and dancing.
- Your attention please,
will the water skier who
interrupted the services
at the edge of Lake
Krelmen last Sunday
kindly call the
Reverend Milo T. Bots
and make arrangement to
pick up his baptismal certificate.
Thank you.
La da de dah Ladies and Gents
Laugh and look at the
news Ole (applauding)
- Hi, Lisa, still
down on the farm.
You know why I was
chosen to do the farm survey?
They told me it's because
I have a winning smile,
a pleasing personality
and a sensational lower 40.
- I gotta tell ya,
this water pollution is
getting even worse than ever.
Would you believe last night
I went to a seafood restaurant
and I ordered lobster.
And, when it came, one of
the claws was holding its nose.
- They're really having trouble
filling these 747s aren't they?
- Yeah, big.
- Yeah, this one's so empty,
the stewardesses are
walking around back there
with nothing to do.
- Well, not for long.
(laughing)
- Hey, you know what?
I just bought a Daniel
Ellsberg waterbed.
The only trouble is
it leaks all the time.
- Hey Patti, who spent
30 years in a dungeon,
never saw another human being
and traded it all away for a
chance at door number two?
- I don't know, who?
- The Count of Monty Hall.
(playful music)
- Well, since there
don't seem to be
too many questions tonight,
I think I may as well tell you
about my hunting trip to Mexico.
Just got back.
Well, we flew in
first to Mexico City.
Actually, the action took
place down in Veracruz.
(tapping)
Which is a charming town.
It's quite southerly in Mexico.
And it's located on the gulf.
Hi Dick.
It's located right on the gulf.
- How did you know it was me?
- How did I know it was you?
Well, who else would
come out here dressed
in a ridiculous ape outfit?
- And what we were
hunting, of course,
were the white-winged doves.
- That's better.
- That's what you think.
What are you doing out
here in an ape suit anyway?
- Please do not
use the term ape.
- Ape, why not?
- We members of the United
Gorilla Assistance League,
frown upon it.
- The United Gorilla
Assistance League?
- Yes.
- You belong to some
kind of a gorilla club?
- Yes, as a
matter of fact, I do.
50 of us put on
these gorilla suits
and meet once a month.
- Where do you meet?
- Any place we want.
- Tell me about
this gorilla club.
- Well, it's very,
very exclusive.
To become a junior member
you must shoot five gorillas.
- Well, how do you
become a senior member?
- You must shoot
five junior members.
That's what keeps
the club very exclusive.
- Come on, you don't
really shoot gorillas.
- No, I was joshing you.
We have other ways
to fight that problem.
- Fight what problem?
- The GPE we call it.
- What's that?
- It's the Gorilla
Population Explosion.
- There's a population
explosion in gorillas?
- Oh, I guess so.
Well, we have, you see,
what we do, it's a problem
that is inherent with gorillas.
The gorilla has a lot
of trouble saying no.
Even to another gorilla.
Yes, so, this August
will be our third trip
to the rainforests
of the African Congo.
Where we will infiltrate
the gorilla herds
and work on the problem.
- Infiltrate?
- Infiltrate.
- I've never heard you
read a speech so well.
- I-N-Filtrate.
- Oh, you were
right, you were right.
- Thank you.
- How do you slow up a
gorilla population explosion?
- In many ways.
- In many ways.
- First, we distribute leaflets
describing the benefits
of planned parenting.
Sometimes we take
the female gorilla aside
and hit her alongside
the head with a rock.
- Well what's that for?
- That's to teach them
about having headaches.
- You mean to tell me you
people put on gorilla suits
and you really live
among real live gorillas?
- Yes, we live like they do.
We eat roots and wild celery,
bark and fibrous materials
from coconut trees.
- Fibrous material?
- Fiber.
- You're a whole new
person out here today.
Hey, put the head back
on so I'll know who you are.
What do you do after
you eat all that stuff?
What do you drink?
- Pepto Bismol mostly.
- How do you protect yourself
if the gorillas find you out
and they know you're
not a real gorilla?
- Well, we out-fox them you see.
We carry bananas.
- Gorillas don't like bananas?
- Not up their nose they don't.
(laughing)
(growling)
Be with you in a second Helen.
- Is that one of your
members or another gorilla?
- I don't ask questions,
I just have fun.
Coming Helen.
(applauding)
- So, anyway, we
were shooting doves.
- Hi, this is Lisa again.
You know, some people say
that a farmer education isn't
as good as a city education,
but, that's not true.
Believe me, you don't learn
half as much behind a desk
as you do behind a barn.
- Well, it's Friday,
you got paid today,
where's the money?
- Oh, well, here it is.
- What is this,
where's the rest of it?
You're 275 dollars short.
- I just stopped off
for a glass of wine.
- Well, where could you
possibly spend 275 dollars
for a glass of wine?
- Paris.
(laughing)
- I tell ya man, it's tough
being the black sheep
of the Farkell family.
During the winter,
when somebody says,
throw another log on the fire,
I had to hide behind the couch.
- I've been in the
saddle for 10 days.
- Where'd you start from?
- Yuma.
- Yuma?
That's only 10 miles from
here, what took you so long?
- I didn't have a horse.
- You know, when
I was five years old,
my folks gave me
a room of my own,
the only trouble was,
it as at the YWCA.
- Boy, we're both
sentenced to stay here
'til we're almost
dead from hunger.
Then you're to be hanged
and I'm to be burned.
What do you say
we bust out of here?
- Are you kidding, do you
want to get us in trouble?
- Well sweetheart, where
else did William Morris fuck ya?
- Ah, waitress.
- Hmm?
- Ah, there's a dead
bug in my soup.
- Oh, a dead bug.
Oh, there is a dead
bug in your soup.
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.
Harry, Harry,
there's a dead bug
in this lady's soup.
- Right on.
(trumpeting)
- In Italy, my show is called,
Whadda you say we make a deal.
Recently, a young man from
Palermo came to the show
dressed as a sausage pizza,
and the audience ate him.
- Hey Fred.
- What is it Charlie?
- It's time to land this thing.
- What do you want from me?
You're the pilot.
- No, no, no, you're the pilot.
- Oh yeah, that's right, okay.
- What do you want me to do?
- Well, you can
stay up here with me
and hold my drink.
Or you can go in the
back and lead the hymns.
Wee.
- Sometimes I hear people say,
to make it in show
business it's who you know.
Well, that's not true.
It's really how well
you know them.
(laughing)
All around the neighborhood
Everybody's feelin'
good Help is on its way
Oh happy day
- Hey look, you ready
to go to the party?
- Oh, what party is this?
- You know, the block party.
- No way man.
Now, if it was a
black party, I might go.
- Look, why you so prejudiced?
- I ain't prejudiced
man, I'm just particular.
What's the party for anyway?
- Well, we're welcoming a new
family into the neighborhood.
- You kiddin' man, you
shouldn't welcome 'em,
you should warn 'em.
- About what?
About gettin' inisty before they
move into the neighborhood.
- Wait, there's nothing
wrong with this neighborhood.
- You know another neighborhood
where the welcome wagon
drives around in an armored car?
Oh happy day
(applauding)
- Oh Gladys, have you
seen that new eyelash stick
that makes your
lashes look longer?
- Oh, yeah, I used to
use it, but I had to quit.
- Why?
- Well, it made my
eyelashes so long
that when I blinked,
it whipped my nose.
- Okay, take off your blouse.
- Sure baby.
What do you want to do?
- Build a tent.
- Yeah, with a carport.
- Maybe a nice
little gazebo in back.
- And a sun deck on the roof.
And a partridge in a pear tree
(playful music)
(triumphant music)
- Well, it's time
once again for the
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- And, who gets
the in, extrinsic.
- Extrinsic?
- Extrinsic extremity tonight?
- Well, you got
pretty close to it.
- Huh, Sandy.
- I tell you who's going to get
the extrinsic extremity tonight,
an overzealous traffic
officer on the Baltimore
police department.
- The Baltimore
police department?
- The Baltimore, Maryland
police department, yeah.
According to this article
in the Baltimore Sun,
it seems that a few minutes
before it was due at a funeral,
a hearse was hitched to a
police tow truck and hauled away.
- The buzz departed
with the departed.
- Exactly my dear sir.
The driver of the hearse had
parked it in a No Parking zone
in front of city hall
while he went inside
to get a death certificate.
And when he returned, the
hearse had been impounded.
- Well, I'd call
that a stiff penalty.
- Or can you imagine
how the driver felt
when he saw the hearse was gone.
- Not gone, just passed on
to that great traffic
court in the sky.
- That's right.
Eventually the funeral
director was able
to get the hearse release
through the mayor's office,
but, it was too
late for the funeral.
- So, in lieu of flowers,
Baltimore police department,
here is the Fickle
Finger of Fate,
may you arrest in peace.
- And here's a friendly warning
to you Baltimore hearse drivers,
be on the lookout for chalk
marks on your caskets.
(laughing)
- Sonny, sonny, sonny.
- What?
- Which way is Gettysburg?
- Well, it's that way, but
you're too late, the war's over.
- Where've you been?
- Canada.
- Canada?
- Has anyone said anything
about amnesty lately?
(laughing)
- Wait, wait, wait,
what are you doin'?
- Speed reading.
(laughing)
- You know, I
don't really go along
with all this Women's Lib stuff,
I want to be
treated like a lady.
I mean, if a man doesn't
treat me like a lady,
I'd punch him right in the
mouth with my new book.
(laughing)
- And now by simply following
the Gary Owen opera rules,
we'll teach you
the proper etiquette
for watching the New
York City Opera Company.
Number one, never call
out, you sing good fatso
to the lead soprano
when you enjoy her voice.
- When I was a young
girl, I fought for my virtue,
and I won, darn it.
- If you swig wine from
a bottle in a paper bag,
be sure it is a red
ripple for Italian opera,
and a white ripple
for German opera.
- I prefer shorty nightgowns
because I don't sleep very long.
- During intermission
at the opera,
never attempt to share
the spareribs you brought
in a paper sack with
the person next to you.
- With you on this island,
there's barely enough
room for the two of us.
- Yeah, then you
better cross your finger
that my girdle doesn't snap.
(laughing)
- At the opera, when making
a loud raspberry sound
during a quiet death scene,
avoid guffawing afterward.
That is considered crass.
- You know, I have a
brother who's six feet eight
and that's what
I call a long Hall.
- Nurse.
- Huh?
- I'm bored.
What can I do?
- Why don't you try to
start making out a will?
- Sister, is it difficult
to get used to wearing
the same outfit all the time?
- No, it's just a
habit you get into.
(laughing)
- You know, I have discovered
being a farmer's daughter
is no bed of roses,
there's all those
crops to rotate
and all those traveling
salesman to put up.
Or is it all those
crops to put up
and all those traveling
salesmen to rotate.
Oh, I think I'll
go out for a spin.
(laughing)
- Hey Willie, where's Lester?
- I don't know Dan, I've
been looking all over for him.
I haven't seen him.
- [Lester] Let me out of here.
Let me out of here.
- Lester, what have
they done to you Lester?
- [Lester] I don't know,
but get me out of here.
- My little pal Lester.
- This is a rubber stamp with
my telephone number on it.
I'm gonna go down
to muscle beach
and stamp a few surfers with it.
It says, for mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation,
dial 555-1222.
- This is your first
officer speaking.
There is no cause for alarm.
But, would all passengers
fasten their seat-belts
until further notice.
I repeat, there is
no cause for alarm.
- What's wrong?
- Ah, nothing.
Stewardess just told me the
drinks weren't moving too well.
They'll move now.
(laughing)
I'll help 'em along.
- You know my
husband Burt Bacharach
would practice
playing constantly.
But, I tell him,
Burt, stop playing
and get back to that piano.
(laughing)
- Good evening America.
General Bullride here,
along with my loyal
son right here on my left,
I want you to watch that boy.
A real chip off the old
blockade, Ulysses S. Patton
MacArthur Wright we call 'em US.
Love 'em or leave 'em.
Hey son, your
fidgeting a lot there boy.
Where were you this morning?
I missed you at breakfast.
- I went out in the
dawns early light, sir,
to see if our flag
was still there.
- Good boy.
- Now US writes
songs, is that right son?
- Yes sir, dad sir.
- At rest son.
Now, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Tell me what songs have
you written this week?
- Well, I got a new one
called Moon over My Army.
- Yeah.
- And a catchy
little thing called
I've Got You Under My Fatigues.
- That's swell son.
- And a real winner, I Lost
My Stripes in San Francisco.
- Well, how about
singing that toe-tapper,
the one we like to march
around to here in the barracks.
- Yes sir.
The John Birch Society
Is to liberal for me
Catch a hippie by the toe
If he hollers don't let go
Punch a pinko if you can
Give him one for my old man
And if John Birch disagrees
Hit him in the nose for me
- I bet there ain't a
dry eye in this platoon.
10 hut.
- Don't let 'em know
you're weak dad.
(laughing)
- Oh, I'll never forget
my honeymoon night.
It was so romantic,
when my husband rolled
me across the threshold.
- Leonard.
- What is it?
- You are the light of my life,
the light of my love.
- That goes for me double.
Where is my double?
- Right there.
- A toast to our love.
(laughing)
- You know, it's funny,
it didn't look like rain
when we left the house.
(playful music)
(laughing)
- Well, that was fun.
Hey, let's show the folks
what we've cooked
up for next week.
- You know, that reminds me
of what my Aunt Louise said
the time she was caught
after-hours in the Oval Room
of the White House.
I thought maybe you'd
like to hear about it.
- No, Dick, not now, not ever.
- That's exactly what
she said, how'd you know?
- Just took a wild guess.
And next week's show
gonna be kinda wild too.
Take a look at that.
(applauding)
- [Narrator] Our guest
star, Phyllis Diller.
(applauding)
And a special cameo
appearance by Oral Roberts,
Paul Gilbert.
- Okay, what does a Chinese
girl do for a broken arm, Patsy?
- Oh, I don't know Dan.
- Well, she wears
a Singapore sling.
(laughing)
- What's yellow and
puckers when it sings?
- I don't know, what?
The Lemon Si, Sisters.
(laughing)
- The Lemon Sisters.
- Who lived in Sherwood Forest
and sat on the front of cars?
- I don't know, who?
- Robin Hood Ornament.
- Who did great paintings
and sat on the front of cars?
- I don't know, who?
- Leon Auto DeVincio
(laughing)
- Where do famous movie stars go
to put their footprints in slop?
- [Dick] I don't know, where?
- Raman's Chinese Pig Farm.
- Funny.
- Okay, what trio of famous
swordsman went around France
fighting and crying.
- [Woman] I don't know, who?
- The Three Muskateardrops.
(laughing)
- Wait a second.
What cleaning
apparatus, she cried,
was the first President
of the United States?
- We don't know.
- George Washing Machine.
- If you think that's
funny, did you hear,
- It's time to say
goodnight Dick.
- If you think that's funny,
did you hear about
the guy who fell asleep
in the dental school graduation?
- No, what happened to him?
- Well, when he woke up, his
teeth were capped and gowned.
(laughing)
Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
- Ya, ya, ya, ya,
goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Sayonara Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick
and goodnight Spiro.
(foreign language)
(laughing)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(gong crashing)
- Goodnight Dick.
(playful music)