Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 17 - Episode #6.17 - full transcript
(jazz music)
(audience laughing)
Defendant will be
sprung, I hold no grudge.
The jury will be hung
'cause here come the judge.
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
- I sentence you to 10
years for kidnapping my wife.
- But judge I brought her back.
- That's right, so
I'mma make it 25.
(audience laughing)
- You know you
may not know this,
but I could have
been one of the great
brain surgeons of our time,
only one thing kept me from it.
- What was that?
- I couldn't get past
the fourth grade.
- Hi, it's me again, Lisa.
And this week, Laugh In
has been taking a survey
on a singles cruise
aboard the S.S. Whoopie.
Well we have had
five great days so far,
and it should be even more fun
when the ship leaves the dock.
Whoopie.
- Excuse me, lady.
Could you spare
something to eat.
- Oh why of course.
How would you like
a meatloaf sandwich?
- I was hoping for some
cake, it's my bath-day.
- I gotta tell you this,
I am very excited tonight
because NBC told
me if I do good here,
next week I can go
on Sanford and Son
and pick out anything I want.
- My feet are killing me.
- Well dummy, you have
your shoes on the wrong feet.
- But these are the
only feet I've got.
- Hi, how are you today?
- Pretty good.
- Let's see, that'll
be a dollar altogether.
You want 5% off
or you want stamps?
- Oh, I guess the 5% off.
- 5% off it is.
That's one, two,
three, four, five percent.
(singing in foreign language)
- What can I for you?
- Well I'd like to
have one for the road.
- You're gonna have
to talk to her about that,
I only serve drinks.
- Senator, how do you feel
about employing relatives?
- I do not believe in nepotism,
I run my office on merit alone.
If my cousin was not
the right man for the job,
my father would not have
taken my brothers advice
and hired him, dig?
- [Narrator] Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience cheering)
- I love it.
Please, tone it down.
How did they all
get in? I can't figure.
- I don't know, mobbed again.
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, ladies,
what are you doing?
- Used to be Fred Astaire, Gene
Kelly, Johnny Dodds, and me.
- What is all this for?
- Tap dancing. I'm practizing.
I'm practizing my tap dancing,
I may get a chance to tap
dance with Sammy Davis Junior.
He's good, too, you know.
- Oh don't be silly.
- You're gonna need
more than a chance,
you're gonna need
all the luck in the world,
he's the best
dancer in the world,
he's not gonna dance
with a clown like you.
- What are you, kidding?
- Well of course not,
ladies and gentlemen,
our guest tonight, the
greatest talent in the world,
Sammy Davis Junior.
- Hey!
- Oh boy, oh boy.
And we've been
looking forward to,
hey Sam, before
we go any further,
Dick's gonna ask ya a favor.
But before you answer him,
I know you're big hearted,
and you don't have to do
anything here you don't wanna do.
- Oh, I understand,
Dan. Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it.
Alright, what is it Dick,
what can I do for you?
- I just, it's
kinda silly, but I...
- Just go ahead.
- Well, I'd just like to
dance with ya, that's all.
- You would.
- Yeah.
- It'll be my pleasure.
- Okay.
- Happy my card was filled.
- And now, it's time for
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In,
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
With special guest star,
Sammy Davis Junior.
Plus, Ruth Buzzi, Lily
Tomlin, Richard Dawson,
Sarah Kennedy, Jud
Strunk, Willie Tyler and Lester,
Moosie Drier and Tod
Bass, Lisa Farringer,
and me, Gary Owens,
reminding you that it is better
to light one candle at night
than to curse Doris Day.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience cheering)
- Wow, look at that.
- Oh, what a fine audience.
- It's a Wayne Newton
audience, standing ovation.
- For a Sunday
morning, they're fine.
Thanks very much.
Welcome to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In...
- You're undivided
attention, please.
For your pleasure and amazement,
I will now produce the
Dick Martin Trick Stick!
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Ta-Da!
- What's that again?
- That is the Dick
Martin Trick Stick,
my open sesame
to fame and fortune,
my ticket to romantic places,
my rainbow at
the end of the pot.
- You had that backwards.
- I'm sorry, thank you.
(audience laughing)
My rainbow at
the end of the pot.
Have you forgotten the
boomerang and the yo-yo?
- How is this gonna
make you rich?
- Well, it's going
to make me rich
because it's a...
- The boomerang and the yo-yo?
- Well how about the
hula hoop and the Frisbee?
- I still have mine.
- Right, big winners, all.
Now it's the Dick Martin
Trick Stick, the newest craze.
- And you're the crazy
who came up with it.
- Did they mock
Edison for his light-bulb?
- I suppose.
- Did they jeer Joseph
Cotton for his gins?
- No, Ned.
Let me see that thing.
Well it's nothing
but a plain stick,
you can find one
of these anywhere.
- Ha! I tic on your tac-toe.
- You're really into the
game thing, aren't you?
- Of course, this
stick is the prototype
of millions to come.
And it stole it, stole it
mind you for only $100.
- $100?
The con artist in the
parking lot, he got you again.
- Yeah, but this time
I outsmarted him.
- You did?
- He wanted to
become full partner,
but I bought him out,
I talked him out of it.
I am now the sole copyright
owner of the Trick Stick,
with which I can do 1001 things!
- 1001 things? How many of
the 1001 things did he show ya?
- I knew there was
something I forgot to ask him.
- Well, you've done it again.
- Yes, but have
you forgotten that
great all American know how?
- What's that?
- That's where I will
create new and fun
things to do with it myself.
- You're gonna
create 1001 fun things
to do with a Dick
Martin Trick Stick.
- How quickly you guessed it!
- Well, let's see.
Go ahead, let's see you go.
- Let's see, I am putting
my thinking cap on now.
I'm rolling up my
sleeves and going to work
on a new idea.
- I can hear the
gears turning now.
- Do you see the bulb
pop above my head.
- Oh yes. Got an idea?
- I got one.
I can throw it
down on the ground
and watch it hit the ground.
- That's fascinating.
- Right, I can play a
fast came of pick up stick.
- That's two, you only
got 999 more to go.
- How about
throwing it in the air
and jumping out of the way, huh?
- Hey maybe you oughta sell it
to Mickey Rooney
as a walking stick.
- Don't stop me, I'm on a roll.
I can leave it outside
and watch it rot.
- Oh I wanna be
there when you do that.
Will you wait just a minute?
- You can lead a band,
you can scratch your back,
how about a stand
by chop stick, huh?
Folks, send it now and get
your Dick Martin Trick Stick.
It can be yours and yours alone.
Write in and tell me,
Dick Martin, care of NBC,
what I can do with this stick.
- We're waiting for all
those cards and letters
to come pouring in to tell
you what to do with your...
- Here Prince, here Prince.
Here Prince, here Prince.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, it's my little
puppy dog, Prince.
I've lost him.
Im searching for
him high and low.
- High and low?
- Yeah. Here
Prince, here prince.
- Wanna buy a World
Series ticket cheap?
- Hey, the Series is over.
- That's why it's so cheap.
- I could beat her
on the head with it.
We talkin' bout the offense
With a jury of your
peers Skip the evidence
You get 20 years
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
- I find you guilty.
- I'm going to take
this to a higher court.
- I still find you guilty.
Jive turkey.
- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't have
to say nothing if don't want to.
And I don't want to.
And that's the truth.
- Where else could
we have Morse bookie?
- What I mean, now
listen and listen closely,
word has just come down
from the supreme commander
we are launching an
all out attack on Russia.
Now, we'll attack
here, here, and here.
- Excuse me General, sir, but
you have the map upside down.
- Well in that case, gentlemen,
I guess we're at
war with Australia.
Don't just stand there,
sing Waltzing Matilda.
- And now here's
Michelangelo to sing
I'm Walking the
Ceiling Over You.
- I'm lost, I'm lost.
- Why excuse me
youngster, you're not lost,
you're probably
struck with wanderlust.
- Wow, I'm struck
with wanderlust.
I've been struck
with wanderlust.
But I'm still lost.
- Hey Moosie, my mommy always
sends me to bed without dinner
when I do something wrong.
What should I do?
- Well, from now on, do
something wrong after dinner.
- Will you hurry up, I
got a magic show tonight.
- Hi, Lisa here on
the S.S. Whoopie.
You know we have the
most experienced crew.
They can do just about anything,
and some of them even
know how to sail a boat.
Whoopie.
Oh my darling, Oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine
You are lost and gone forever
Now the house and furs are mine.
- All you James
boys are all alike.
Hi-Di-Hi.
- What'll you have ma'am?
- Well I don't usually drink,
but I feel in need
of a pick me up.
I'll have a glass of water
and glass of whiskey.
(comical hair plucking noise)
There's an extra
charge for that.
- Here you are.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh.
- Very good ma'am,
now try the whiskey.
- I understand that
you threw a stick
at another little boy in
the schoolyard today.
- That's not true man,
I was waving hello
and my arm fell off.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I
want to tell you something,
and I'd really like to be Frank.
You know something
else, I think Frank
would really like to be me.
- Just because I'm a woman,
I don't want you to
forget that I am a scientist.
So think of me as a
scientist and forget
that I'm a woman.
- Very well.
Bring me one of those
cages of white rats.
- (shrieking) White rats!
- Did I say white rats?
Oh!
I hate them.
- Where ya been?
- I just been to a
meeting of my fan club.
- You know, I
think it's really nice
your dad asked my
mother out to dinner tonight.
- Yeah, but you know
there both so stubborn
about doing anything
about their hearing problem.
- Yes, but I hope
they'll be alright.
- What?
- I hope, oh no.
I hope they'll be alright.
- I think you and I understand
each-other perfectly, don't you?
- I think a plain
piece of fish is better.
Beef makes me burp.
- Why thank you.
- Good evening folks.
Would you please be kind enough
to make your order
in a loud, clear voice?
My hearing aid isn't working.
- Fine, just fine.
- Thank you.
- What do you recommend?
- Ask him what he recommends.
- Would you like for me
to recommend something?
- No, roast beef makes me burp.
What kind of fish you got?
- Okay, that's one roast beef,
and what will you have, sir?
- I'll have whatever
he's having.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't have that.
- What comes with this fish?
- How about a
nice piece of fish?
- Do you have any fish?
- Alright, that two roast beefs.
Now how would
you like that, madam.
- Oh, thank you.
- Boy, I'm starved.
- Okay, have it your way,
we'll have the roast beef.
- I'm sorry folks,
but we're out of luck.
All we have left is the fish.
- Good, make mine medium rare.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
- Make it two on the
red snapper, Harry!
You can bet your fifty
you're gonna shiver
In the Mississippi
'Cause you going up the river
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
- From now on, I'mma
call you September.
- Why's that?
- Because you just go 30 days.
- Terrific.
- Terrific?
- Hi, Lisa here aboard
the S.S. Whoopie.
You know how I got my
first date on this cruise?
I was standing on the
port side of the stern,
and I took a starboard bow.
Whoopie.
- And now here's the
lovely Mark Spitz to sing
Oh Dem Golden Clippers.
- Hey Moosie, has
your Dad talked to you
about an allowance yet?
- Yeah, he said
anything I could give him
will be appreciated.
From this valley
they say She is going
And ten guys
Heaved a sigh Of relief
- What'll you have, Major?
- I'll have the same thing
that the little lady's having.
- Okay, there ya go.
- Oh my goodness
gracious, I just love daiquiris.
- Oh wait a minute,
wait a minute,
come back stranger.
- I can't come back
any stranger than I am.
The 50s, the 50s,
the 50s, the 50s
The 50s, the 50s,
the 50s, the 50s
The 50s, the 50s,
The very golden 50s,
Those sweet and
sour Eisenhower days
The fun and the follies,
the kooky fans and
All these hula hoops
were all the craze
Grace Kelly went regal
The commies were illegal
The Joe McCarthy
witch-hunt was in bloom
The actors had mumbles
The street gangs
had their rumbles
And the music went
Sha-Boom sha-boom
Ya-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da
Sha-Boom sha-boom
Ya-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da
The Marilyn wiggle,
The whisper and the giggle
The things that made
us worship Miss Monroe.
The magic of Elvis
That movement of his pelvis
Was all we have to know
The saucers kept flying
Was Bridey Murphy lying?
Will chlorophyll do
everything it claims?
The Lennys, The
Bridgets, The Edsels,
And the Midges,
And the beatniks bein' blamed
The 50s, the 50s,
the Howdy Doody 50s,
Those Caesar, Pogo,
My Fair Lady days.
- [All] The 50s!
- You know, in the 50s Eddie
Fisher and Debbie Reynolds
were America's ideal newlyweds.
Who can ever forget that?
- I don't know, but Eddie
and Debbie would like to.
- You know, they had some
pretty strange traffic laws
down south in the 50s.
I mean, look what
happened to James Meredith
for just trying to cross the
white line in Mississippi.
- I'm sorry son,
but no negro is going
to enter this school.
- Look, that's okay with me,
but you're gonna have to
mop those floors yourself.
- However, we are prepared
to make an exception.
- Yeah, but we ain't.
- Some people say that
the 50s was a dull decade.
But to me, it was 20
of best years of my life.
- And the Mickey Mouse
Club was really big in the 50s.
- That's right, we need
another sweater for little Annette.
This time you better
make it a 36-D.
- Well the 50s, they were
such a really crazy time.
Milton Berle wore a
dress, a wig, and lipstick,
and he was the
king of television.
And also the queen.
- You know something man?
I know a black dude
who went to Denmark,
and when he got back
you know what he told me?
He said, "Don't
you call me boy."
- Can I help you, madam?
- Yes, I'm just so tired
of everything I have,
I'm looking for something new.
- Would you like me to
show you something in a sack.
- Lots of people were
indicted for cheating
on TV quiz shows in the 50s.
One contestant was
sentenced to 15 years
in the isolation booth.
Whoopie.
- I guess that
wraps it up for now.
Goodnight, Chet.
Goodnight, David.
- In the 1950s, Sam.
You remember the 50s?
- Yes.
- Well there were
two lemons unloaded
on the American public.
The Studebaker and the VW.
- The VW, you mean
the Volkswagen?
- No the VW, the Vietnam War.
- Dan and Dick
first met in 1951,
and for that reason alone all
the 50s will be remembered.
- I predict
20 years from now
you two will be stars of
your own hit television show
Monday nights at
eight, seven central time.
- Hey that's great,
what did I tell you.
Isn't she something, huh?
- What'll be the
name of our show?
- Gunsmoke.
- In the 50s, the
Russians were the first
to put animals into space.
We didn't have
anything like that.
Dogs going round
and round in circles.
- Yes we did.
Had a women's roller derby.
- Gerry, you know
like that record
your company's
puttin' out, it stinks man.
Tayola wouldn't do it,
I wouldn't play it
on the air for $100.
- Well how about $200.
- And now, record
fans, here's the new
splash hit I really love.
- Kids today are copying
the styles of the 1950s.
For instance, the
ponytail was a big craze
with the girls then, and
it's becoming popular now.
Only the guys are wearing them.
- Hey, where's my meal?
- Alright, alright.
- Now remember,
we gonna go in there
and we gonna
demand the same rights
that everybody else gets, dig?
Right on.
Go ahead.
- Okay.
Now the water.
Okay, now, what do you want.
- [Both] Nevermind.
- Meanwhile,
back at the salutes.
- Lester, do you
think they'll ever admit
a red China to the UN?
Are you kidding man?
Red China's got as much
chance of getting into the UN
as Richard Nixon does
of becoming president.
- I was wondering
why are so many people are
looking back at the 50s today.
- Because if they try to
look forward to the 50s,
they won't see anything,
which the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- In the 50s, when
high school students
talked about a class trip,
it really meant getting on a
bus and going somewhere.
- Would you come here
and look at what our daughter
and the boy from next door
are doing out in the backyard.
- It's all perfectly
innocent dear,
they're just playing
with their hula hoops.
- Oh yeah, then what
are these doing here?
- Hi there, remember me?
I'm Stubby Checker, I once
did a song that went like this.
Got to dance It go like this
(Sammy scatting)
And remember that stupid song.
If you remember
that, then imagine
that you are probably
stupid enough to be interested
in my new hip record offer,
The Great Hits of the 50s.
Yes sir keen teens, you'll
dig these great hit tunes like
I Married My Car by
Eddie and the Lube Jobs.
Yes, can you dig?
You'll have it made in the
shade when you get this
rock classic Old Sally,
which incidentally
went like this.
Oh Sally Oh Sally
Another million seller
called Old Marcy,
which went like this
Oh Marcy, Oh Marcy,
Another old favorite called
I Dropped the Bomb
at the Junior Prom
by Douglas MacArthur
and the Generals.
And pretty soon, baboon,
you'll be cooler than the breeze,
send a buck and a half and
a label from a pack of sin-sins
to me, Stubby Checker.
That's my name,
don't wear it out now.
See you later!
Bye-bye butterfly.
So long King Kong.
The 50s, the 50s
The Debbie, Eddie 50s
The slightly groovy,
greedy movie age
The war in Korea
Miss Mantel and Sofia,
Jimmy Dean was all the rage
The 50s, the 50s, The
Russian Sputnik 50s
That blackboard jungle
Mickey Mouse Club days.
- [All] The 50s!
- Of all the things
that I remember,
when I was kid for instance,
my mom would make me
drink glass for breakfast,
dinner, supper.
And actually it's
kinda funny but related,
between meals,
and I can even remember
I had a great big glass
before I went to bed.
And I guess when
you get right down to it,
I gotta say that
if it wasn't for,
if it wasn't for all of that,
I wouldn't be what I am today.
- [Narrator] Everybody needs
scotch, even Sammy Davis.
- I mean, as bad
as it tastes man,
I do it for Mom.
(Sammy crying)
- I'm lost.
And I told everybody my Momma
put my name inside my shirt.
Now all the kids call
me Fruit of the Loom.
- Momma. Momma.
(wacky orchestral music)
(mysterious orchestral music)
- I got the yo-yo.
- I got the string.
- Cargo ships docks at Pier 12.
- Peanut butter sticks
on the roof of your mouth.
- You must be X-10.
- I'm X-10.
- You're late, X-10.
You were supposed to
have been here last week.
- I was on an
assignment in Brazil.
- I'm gonna have to give
you instructions rather quickly,
you don't know where you're
supposed to go, do you?
- I have no idea.
- You have a very
complicated mission,
you better write all
these instructions down.
- I don't have to write it down,
I have a pornographic...
- Photographic.
- Photographic memory.
- Never forget anything?
- Everything is
imdebibly etched.
- Indelibly etched in your mind?
What ever that means.
A remarkable ability to have.
- It's a remarkable
ability to have.
- No you don't write that down.
- No I don't write that down.
- [Nearly In Unison] Next
Wednesday evening at 8:30
I want you to be on the corner
of 42 and Broadway
in Times Square.
Now, then the delivery
truck for the New York Times
will drop off a stack of
newspapers on the corner.
Make sure you get the
second paper from the top.
Turn to the shipping news,
the shipping news will
have 10 boats listed,
you read the listing
for the fourth boat.
Find out what time it leaves,
make sure you're in
the hold at that time.
That boat docks at Marseilles,
you take the night
train to Berlin,
when you get to Berlin
you go the drug store
in the bottom of
the Hilton Hotel.
- You got me so far?
- I lost you at the bakery.
- You don't go to
any bakery, I told you.
- [Dan and Dick] La-di-da-da
- I got the yo-yo.
- I got the string.
- You're X-5.
- That's right, I'm X-5.
- Do you know X-10?
- No, I don't think I do.
- We actually worked
together in Berlin five years ago,
- That's right.
He was on one side of the
wall and I was on the other,
but we didn't see
each-other, it was dark
and I didn't smile.
- We all would've died.
- We don't have time
for any more of those
nostalgic remembrances,
we gotta get this
mission started.
You men will work together,
but you don't meet
in this country,
you'll meet in Berlin.
- In Berlin.
- Right. Now then, you
know the Hilton Hotel?
There's a drug store in the
bottom of the Hilton Hotel,
I want you to sit on the
fourth stool from the end.
You order yourself a
hot bagel and a pizza.
Now then, if the waitress says,
"What kind of an order is that?"
you say to her in German,
you speak fluent
German, I understand.
Okay so, "How is
your aunt Maude,
"and where is she this evening?"
Alright then, you get to cross
Checkpoint Charlie in disguise.
You will meet X-10
in the restaurant
on the corner of 16th
and Vilwenstrausse in east,
yes Vilwenstrausse,
it's a little beer garden,
you'll like it.
You got me so far?
- You lost me at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery.
The important thing is when
you meet in the beer garden,
you have to get the
spy who will be in there,
Now you can't miss the spy.
- Don't worry, we'll find him.
- Give us a description.
- Six foot five,
strong as a bull, scar
on the right cheek,
one blue eye, one brown.
You got that?
- Got it.
- There he goes now.
Master of disguises.
- Ah, but he can't
fool us, right?
- Nobody can fool us.
Now, I'll hold him
and you frisk him.
- No, no, you frisk
him and I'll hold him.
- Look, there's
gonna be frisking,
I'll do the frisking,
you do the holding.
- There's a lot more
fun holding than frisking,
let me tell you.
- I don't know, I like frisking.
- Well frisking can be good too.
- What's the trouble, officer?
- We'll you see a prisoner
escaped from the state prison,
and we've gotta
check everybody out.
Could I see your
identification please?
- Certainly.
- Yeah, that's you alright.
You can go ahead, Mr. Dolan.
- Oh, well my Harry
always was a fresh air fiend.
- Say, where can I find
the French dressing.
- Any bedroom in Paris.
Let's move along.
(Sammy crying)
- Oh, what's the
matter little boy.
- Well I don't have no mommy.
And I want a mommy real bad.
- Well don't cry any more,
could I be your mommmy?
- Not unless I get a
little lighter than I am.
Or you darken down.
- [Man] This is Denver Airport,
calling flight four one niner.
This is Denver Airport,
calling flight four one niner.
- Denver Airport,
four one niner.
- [Man] Due to
heavy traffic condition,
you will have to
circle Denver Airport
for at least a half an hour.
- Boy these passengers
are gonna be angry.
- Well it's only a half hour.
- Yeah, but we're supposed
to be going to Hawaii.
- Have you heard
what the sisters
are calling their
new, shorter habits?
- No, what?
- Christian Diors.
- Sarah Kennedy really gets mad
when you give her a compliment.
- How do you know?
- Well I was just telling her
how good she looks for her age,
and she slammed the
dressing room door.
The old grey mare
He ain't what he
used to be Ain't what
- I just got in from
Snakebite, Arizona.
- Want a shot of whiskey?
- I could use a
shot of penicillin.
Got a bad cough down there.
Hello Momma.
How about loaning me a dollar.
- Well I'm sorry
but I'm flat busted.
- I noticed that, but
what's that got to do
with loaning me a dollar.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
because of a previous
commitment and other factors,
NBC vice president
David Tebet will not
eat a live chicken
on tonight's program.
- Hi, Lisa here doing
our survey on the
S.S. Whoopie singles cruise.
This is fantastic.
There are three men
for every girl on this ship.
Boy am I tired.
Now I know why the
call it a poop deck.
Whoopie.
Oh the honey is sweet
Lick it off your plate
I'm sending you to jail
To make license plates
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
Oh, there go the
judge, there go the judge
No, the judge is coming,
the judge is coming
- Well, everybody
in the courtroom now
knows the verdict and the
sentence except you, the prisoner.
Now just to liven up
the case a little bit here,
we're gonna let you guess.
- Well I'll be hanged if I will.
- Alright, now which
one of you cats blabbed?
- Of course, if you ever
seen Sammy Davis in person,
you know he's a very funny guy.
But he's funnier off stage.
I remember one time, the
three of us, Dick and Sam and I
were working (audience laughing)
at different places
in Las Vegas and...
- Jumpers.
Man your shroud lines.
Buckle up, stand by to eject.
Yahoo.
- Good heavens,
it's super ninny.
- You won't say that
tomorrow afternoon.
- I won't.
- Whoops.
That's another one
of my great tricks.
- There it goes.
- You won't say that.
Ah, finally got the old hell.
- Helmet on.
- Helmet, thank you, I
couldn't think of the name.
I remember it used
to be Helmut Dantine.
- Now it's Lyle Talbot.
- That's true.
- You won't say that.
- Do you remember
what you were saying?
- Yes I remember,
you were going...
- Tomorrow!
Tomorrow, as a matter of fact,
I am going to be plummeting
through the atmosphere.
- You are?
- Yes, soaring like an eagle,
silhouetted against the sun.
- Hold on, now why in the world
would you want to
jump from the sky?
- Because it's there.
- What's there?
- How do I know, I've
never been up there.
- That makes no sense.
- Well, man must
find new challenges.
- I suppose so.
- To conquer.
(laughing) I didn't know
there was a pause there.
Man must find new
challenges to conquer.
Why does a castle... - Cousteau.
- Fine, thanks, how are you.
- Jacques Cousteau.
- Why does Jacques Cousteau
sink to the bottom of the sea?
Think about it.
Why does Hillary
climb a mountain?
Why does a Burton
marry Elizabeth Taylor?
- Wait a minute, I give up. Why?
- Because they're there.
And boy are they there.
And there.
They'll be there tomorrow, too.
- I'm not sure about you.
- Tomorrow is J-Day,
the moment of truth.
Jump Day?
- J-Day.
- Whenever you're
there, think of me.
Think of me up in the blue.
- I'll think of you
up in the blue.
- At 12 o'clock high.
- 12 o'clock high?
- You don't think
I'll be sober, do you?
At 12 o'clock noon I'll
be poised at the hatch.
The slipstream
biting at my face,
and finally the countdown.
Five, four, three,
seven, six, five.
- What kind of
countdown is that?
- What do you
mean? Don't rush me.
- Don't rush you?
- And then I jump.
I jump yelling, "Hiawatha."
- Geronimo.
- Bless you.
- How many jumps have you had?
- I never dreamed
you'd ask me that.
Show folks never tell you.
- How many times have
you jumped off an airplane?
- One and one half times.
- One and one,
how's that possible?
- Well, in the middle
of the second jump,
I changed my mind.
- You can't change
your mind in mid-air.
- You can if you
forgot your parachute.
- Probably a good idea.
(jazz music)
(audience laughing)
It's later than you think
Won't say it again
You better get some ink
'Cause you goin' to the pen.
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
The judge is comin',
the judge is comin'
Oh here come the judge.
- You know something?
You remind me of a
salmon that's about to spawn.
- Why's that?
- 'Cause I'm sending
you up the river.
- Can I appeal to you?
- You do, don't tell no one.
- And now, here Zsa
Zsa Gabor to sing
Love is Lovelier the
232nd Time Around.
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five and half years old,
and I don't have to say
nothing if don't want to.
And you know what happened?
Momma said Buster was very sick.
And I said, how did she know,
because Buster never
hardly talks to her.
And she said his nose
wasn't cold and wet,
and that's how come he was sick.
So I went in the refrigerator
and I got a raspberry Popsicle.
That's my favorite.
And then I rubbed
it on Buster's nose,
and made his nose
very wet and very cold.
And now he's okay,
and that's the truth.
Oh bury me not
On the lone prairie
Unless her husband
Catches up with me
- Oh bartender?
- Yeah?
- Ask the cowboy if he'd
like to buy a lady a drink?
- She'd like to know if you'd
like to buy a lady a drink?
- Don't mind if do.
Shall we wait 'til one
comes in or do you deliver?
- Do you have
anything for laryngitis?
- Sure.
- Oh, what're you?
Stop it! Stop it!
What have you done?
- That'll be $4.50.
- Well thank you.
- Lisa, still here on
the S.S. Whoopie,
this singles cruise is exciting,
but the captain doesn't
know what he's doing.
He has had the ship headed
towards the Virgin Islands,
and halfway there we had to
turn around and come back.
Whoopie, what a storm.
- I can feel this is the round,
I want you to move around,
move around, use your feet.
- You mean dance around.
- No, I mean kick
him in the shins.
- I understand you were
smoking in class today.
- Wasn't my fault.
It was one of the dudes
that made me smoke.
- Well how did he do that?
- He rubbed my legs together.
- You know, a lot of
people have asked me
why do I do this on television.
Well let me explain it to you,
it means peace and
love and togetherness.
It also means, if I don't
get peace and love,
I'm gonna punch
you in your mouth.
- Sir, sir, how do you do sir?
How do you do, excuse the wart.
Now, you look like
a man who's in need
of a genuine 24
karat gold ring, sir.
- Let go of me, I already
have a 24 karat gold ring,
it's right here on my...
- Like I was saying, friend,
you look like a man who's in
need of a 24 karat gold ring.
- Hey Tod, why was a
baby's shoe so unhappy?
- I don't know, why?
- Because it's
mommy was a sneaker,
and it's daddy was loafer.
- Now we take you
back to that famous day
when Sammy Davis
Junior joined up
with his uncle and his father
to form the Will Mastin Trio.
- Ah, Will,
Will I tell you it's no good.
We gotta do something to
make our act more exciting,
or else we're gonna have
to get out of the business.
- [Muffled Voice] Well, why
don't you put me in the act?
But you're already in the act.
- Wait a minute, I
didn't say nothing.
- Then who did?
- Hey partner, what
we're you doing
down in that trunk Sammy Junior?
- Mostly suffocating.
- Look son, it's
very sweet of you,
but you just
can't be in the act.
- Yes I can.
- Yes I can, hey that's
a good title for a book.
(laughing)
- Let me join you
and Uncle Will.
Now, what do I have to do?
- What do you have to do?
Well son, besides knowing
the tricks and the
trades of the business,
you gotta do things like this.
(tap dancing)
(audience clapping)
(horn blaring)
And maybe then I'll
know What kind of fool
I am
- You're in the act, son.
(jazz music)
They call me destroyer
So don't you budge
I'm gonna hang your lawyer
'Cause I am the judge
I am the judge, I am the judge,
I am the judge so
don't you budge
I said here come the judge
- I was looking in the window
while this lady was undressing.
- Then you done
broke the peekin' law.
- Well you know it's not
my fault this beautiful thing
prances around every
night with no clothes on,
and the window open.
- Every night?
- Every night!
- Mm.
30 days, or $30,
and or the address of
the corpus delectable.
(silly orchestral music)
- What do you want,
front page or what?
- Oh, give me the sports page.
- Ladies and
gentlemen, this is a test.
For the next 10 seconds,
this station will conduct
a test of the emergency
comedy system.
Remember, this is only a test.
This has been a test of the
emergency comedy system.
Laugh In has
developed this system
to keep you smiling in
the event of a bad joke.
If this had been an
actual emergency,
you would have been instructed
to hide under a
fat person and say,
"Pookie, pookie, pookie."
Thank you very much.
Thank you again.
(phone line ringing)
- One ringy dingy.
Oh gracious, hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Mr. Burt Reynolds, star of
stage, screen and centerfold?
Is this you, Burt?
This is Miss Tomlin from
the telephone company.
Listen, I called to tell ya
I just loved your last picture.
No, no, no, the one in Cosmo.
I hear it did wonders for
Helen Gurlie Brown's circulation.
And the magazine didn't
do bad, either. (snorts)
Hello, Burt? Burt?
Hello?
- Officer Caldwell, checking in.
- [Man On Phone] There's
a woman on the corner
of Hollywood
and Vine soliciting.
Can you pick her up?
- Not on a policeman's salary.
- I want to let you
know, I'm nobody's fool.
In other words, you can't
pull the wool over my eye.
- It's kinda nice
here, actually.
- Yeah, you know,
on a clear day,
you can see the guillotine.
- Hey Moosie, do you
know what a comet is?
- A what?
- A comet, don't you know
what they call a star with a tail?
- Sure I do.
Mickey Mouse.
- Excuse me.
Do you this is rather
a strange request,
but do you have anything
in a purple sequin jumpsuit,
with say red tassels and
kinda a flaming orange fringe?
- We certainly do,
our Mr. Rappaport.
But he flew away this morning.
- Sister?
- Yes?
- I think Father Simpson
used to be in show business.
- Oh really?
What makes you think that?
- Well the other day,
he said do unto others
was the best one
liner ever written.
- Say,
you've got a rather sexy walk.
How did you get that walk?
- Well last night, I was
doing my deep knee bends.
And I forgot to
take off my spurs.
- Ahoy mates, Lisa here
on the S.S. Whoopie.
Yesterday we
sailed into a fog bank.
It was so dense that
nobody could see a thing.
We all had to feel our
way around with our hands.
Today we are getting
a petition to the captain
to find us another fog bank.
Whoopie, All hands on deck.
Whoopie.
- Educators in the United
States have learned
that nine out of 10
people in this country
mispronounce
the word "li-berry".
- Hey Leonard?
- What is it, Doris?
- Did you know that a camel
can go for days without a drink?
- I don't really care
if they can or not,
alls I wanna know
is why they'd want to.
- What the longest you've
ever gone without a drink?
- How far is it to the next bar?
- It's about a block and a half.
- That's the longest I've
ever been without a drink,
a block and a half.
- Sammy, you were great tonight.
Hey, Dick and I were wondering,
would you do a favor?
- Hey, I'm so glad to get
through this show alive man,
I'd do anything.
- Would you do a little
dance number for us?
- Hey, it would
really be a pleasure.
- Hey, groovy. What
would you like to do?
- Hey, there's a great
old number called
Give Me the Old Soft Shoe.
- Gee Sam, I'm sorry,
we're all outta soft shoes.
- How about nice chicken?
- What are you, bananas?
Who can do a number called
Give Me an Old Soft Chicken.
- Sammy is feeling
a little foul tonight,
and well maybe this
will perk us all up,
let's take a look and see
what's gonna be on
the show next week.
- I'm never coming back again.
- [Dan And Dick Narrating]
Johnny Carson will be here.
And we'll have a lot of fun
with Charlie Callous,
and Sandy Duncan,
along with Arthur Gottfried.
- Hey gang, who
is very religious
and is dangerous to step on?
- [Several People]
I don't know, who?
- Norman Vincent Banana Peel.
- Richard, did you
know that Nathan Hale
once made an attempt to
sneak information to the British?
- Well you can't
hang a guy for trying.
- Wrong!
- Ruth?
- Yes, Lily?
- What do you get if you
cross a chicken and a fireman?
- I don't know, what?
- A pair of red suspenders
that keep running
across the road.
And she has been
married several times
and wears a diamond necklace
Yeah, yeah, yeah - Who?
- Zsa Zsa Gaboom.
- Hey who lives in Minneapolis,
has her own television show
and knocks everybody dead?
- I don't know Dan,
I give up. Who?
- Mary Tyler Mortician.
- Hey Phyllis Nelson
wants to know who said
give me libery or
give me death, please.
Patrick Henny Youngman.
- [All] Right!
- What trio of famous Frenchmen
lost all of their sword fights
because they were always
bombed on cheap wine?
- I don't know, who?
- The Three Moscatos.
Incidentally, speaking
of famous Frenchmen,
I know a Jewish magician
who does a great trick.
He pulls Rabbis
out of his yarmulke.
A yarmulke, that's
a short, nevermind.
- Who was the most famous
midget poet out of all of them?
- I don't know, who?
- Henry Wadsworth Shortfellow.
- Willie, what do you have
with a boring corned
beef sandwich?
- I don't know, what?
- A dull pickle.
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- What famous author used
to hang around the docks?
- I don't know, who?
- Robert Louis Stevedore.
- It's still time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- You're supposed
to say that with me.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Uncle Will.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick,
you really slick.
Hope you don't get sick
and I'll see you quick.
Let's twist again Like
we did last summer
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- I ain't lost no more,
so goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Whoopie.
- Goodnight, Dick.
I done said goodnight.
I ain't gonna say
goodnight no more,
'cause I am the judge.
You understand that?
I am the judge, I am the judge
I am the judge
(wacky orchestral music)
(strange laughing)
(audience laughing)
Defendant will be
sprung, I hold no grudge.
The jury will be hung
'cause here come the judge.
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
- I sentence you to 10
years for kidnapping my wife.
- But judge I brought her back.
- That's right, so
I'mma make it 25.
(audience laughing)
- You know you
may not know this,
but I could have
been one of the great
brain surgeons of our time,
only one thing kept me from it.
- What was that?
- I couldn't get past
the fourth grade.
- Hi, it's me again, Lisa.
And this week, Laugh In
has been taking a survey
on a singles cruise
aboard the S.S. Whoopie.
Well we have had
five great days so far,
and it should be even more fun
when the ship leaves the dock.
Whoopie.
- Excuse me, lady.
Could you spare
something to eat.
- Oh why of course.
How would you like
a meatloaf sandwich?
- I was hoping for some
cake, it's my bath-day.
- I gotta tell you this,
I am very excited tonight
because NBC told
me if I do good here,
next week I can go
on Sanford and Son
and pick out anything I want.
- My feet are killing me.
- Well dummy, you have
your shoes on the wrong feet.
- But these are the
only feet I've got.
- Hi, how are you today?
- Pretty good.
- Let's see, that'll
be a dollar altogether.
You want 5% off
or you want stamps?
- Oh, I guess the 5% off.
- 5% off it is.
That's one, two,
three, four, five percent.
(singing in foreign language)
- What can I for you?
- Well I'd like to
have one for the road.
- You're gonna have
to talk to her about that,
I only serve drinks.
- Senator, how do you feel
about employing relatives?
- I do not believe in nepotism,
I run my office on merit alone.
If my cousin was not
the right man for the job,
my father would not have
taken my brothers advice
and hired him, dig?
- [Narrator] Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience cheering)
- I love it.
Please, tone it down.
How did they all
get in? I can't figure.
- I don't know, mobbed again.
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, ladies,
what are you doing?
- Used to be Fred Astaire, Gene
Kelly, Johnny Dodds, and me.
- What is all this for?
- Tap dancing. I'm practizing.
I'm practizing my tap dancing,
I may get a chance to tap
dance with Sammy Davis Junior.
He's good, too, you know.
- Oh don't be silly.
- You're gonna need
more than a chance,
you're gonna need
all the luck in the world,
he's the best
dancer in the world,
he's not gonna dance
with a clown like you.
- What are you, kidding?
- Well of course not,
ladies and gentlemen,
our guest tonight, the
greatest talent in the world,
Sammy Davis Junior.
- Hey!
- Oh boy, oh boy.
And we've been
looking forward to,
hey Sam, before
we go any further,
Dick's gonna ask ya a favor.
But before you answer him,
I know you're big hearted,
and you don't have to do
anything here you don't wanna do.
- Oh, I understand,
Dan. Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it.
Alright, what is it Dick,
what can I do for you?
- I just, it's
kinda silly, but I...
- Just go ahead.
- Well, I'd just like to
dance with ya, that's all.
- You would.
- Yeah.
- It'll be my pleasure.
- Okay.
- Happy my card was filled.
- And now, it's time for
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In,
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
With special guest star,
Sammy Davis Junior.
Plus, Ruth Buzzi, Lily
Tomlin, Richard Dawson,
Sarah Kennedy, Jud
Strunk, Willie Tyler and Lester,
Moosie Drier and Tod
Bass, Lisa Farringer,
and me, Gary Owens,
reminding you that it is better
to light one candle at night
than to curse Doris Day.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience cheering)
- Wow, look at that.
- Oh, what a fine audience.
- It's a Wayne Newton
audience, standing ovation.
- For a Sunday
morning, they're fine.
Thanks very much.
Welcome to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In...
- You're undivided
attention, please.
For your pleasure and amazement,
I will now produce the
Dick Martin Trick Stick!
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Ta-Da!
- What's that again?
- That is the Dick
Martin Trick Stick,
my open sesame
to fame and fortune,
my ticket to romantic places,
my rainbow at
the end of the pot.
- You had that backwards.
- I'm sorry, thank you.
(audience laughing)
My rainbow at
the end of the pot.
Have you forgotten the
boomerang and the yo-yo?
- How is this gonna
make you rich?
- Well, it's going
to make me rich
because it's a...
- The boomerang and the yo-yo?
- Well how about the
hula hoop and the Frisbee?
- I still have mine.
- Right, big winners, all.
Now it's the Dick Martin
Trick Stick, the newest craze.
- And you're the crazy
who came up with it.
- Did they mock
Edison for his light-bulb?
- I suppose.
- Did they jeer Joseph
Cotton for his gins?
- No, Ned.
Let me see that thing.
Well it's nothing
but a plain stick,
you can find one
of these anywhere.
- Ha! I tic on your tac-toe.
- You're really into the
game thing, aren't you?
- Of course, this
stick is the prototype
of millions to come.
And it stole it, stole it
mind you for only $100.
- $100?
The con artist in the
parking lot, he got you again.
- Yeah, but this time
I outsmarted him.
- You did?
- He wanted to
become full partner,
but I bought him out,
I talked him out of it.
I am now the sole copyright
owner of the Trick Stick,
with which I can do 1001 things!
- 1001 things? How many of
the 1001 things did he show ya?
- I knew there was
something I forgot to ask him.
- Well, you've done it again.
- Yes, but have
you forgotten that
great all American know how?
- What's that?
- That's where I will
create new and fun
things to do with it myself.
- You're gonna
create 1001 fun things
to do with a Dick
Martin Trick Stick.
- How quickly you guessed it!
- Well, let's see.
Go ahead, let's see you go.
- Let's see, I am putting
my thinking cap on now.
I'm rolling up my
sleeves and going to work
on a new idea.
- I can hear the
gears turning now.
- Do you see the bulb
pop above my head.
- Oh yes. Got an idea?
- I got one.
I can throw it
down on the ground
and watch it hit the ground.
- That's fascinating.
- Right, I can play a
fast came of pick up stick.
- That's two, you only
got 999 more to go.
- How about
throwing it in the air
and jumping out of the way, huh?
- Hey maybe you oughta sell it
to Mickey Rooney
as a walking stick.
- Don't stop me, I'm on a roll.
I can leave it outside
and watch it rot.
- Oh I wanna be
there when you do that.
Will you wait just a minute?
- You can lead a band,
you can scratch your back,
how about a stand
by chop stick, huh?
Folks, send it now and get
your Dick Martin Trick Stick.
It can be yours and yours alone.
Write in and tell me,
Dick Martin, care of NBC,
what I can do with this stick.
- We're waiting for all
those cards and letters
to come pouring in to tell
you what to do with your...
- Here Prince, here Prince.
Here Prince, here Prince.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, it's my little
puppy dog, Prince.
I've lost him.
Im searching for
him high and low.
- High and low?
- Yeah. Here
Prince, here prince.
- Wanna buy a World
Series ticket cheap?
- Hey, the Series is over.
- That's why it's so cheap.
- I could beat her
on the head with it.
We talkin' bout the offense
With a jury of your
peers Skip the evidence
You get 20 years
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
- I find you guilty.
- I'm going to take
this to a higher court.
- I still find you guilty.
Jive turkey.
- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't have
to say nothing if don't want to.
And I don't want to.
And that's the truth.
- Where else could
we have Morse bookie?
- What I mean, now
listen and listen closely,
word has just come down
from the supreme commander
we are launching an
all out attack on Russia.
Now, we'll attack
here, here, and here.
- Excuse me General, sir, but
you have the map upside down.
- Well in that case, gentlemen,
I guess we're at
war with Australia.
Don't just stand there,
sing Waltzing Matilda.
- And now here's
Michelangelo to sing
I'm Walking the
Ceiling Over You.
- I'm lost, I'm lost.
- Why excuse me
youngster, you're not lost,
you're probably
struck with wanderlust.
- Wow, I'm struck
with wanderlust.
I've been struck
with wanderlust.
But I'm still lost.
- Hey Moosie, my mommy always
sends me to bed without dinner
when I do something wrong.
What should I do?
- Well, from now on, do
something wrong after dinner.
- Will you hurry up, I
got a magic show tonight.
- Hi, Lisa here on
the S.S. Whoopie.
You know we have the
most experienced crew.
They can do just about anything,
and some of them even
know how to sail a boat.
Whoopie.
Oh my darling, Oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine
You are lost and gone forever
Now the house and furs are mine.
- All you James
boys are all alike.
Hi-Di-Hi.
- What'll you have ma'am?
- Well I don't usually drink,
but I feel in need
of a pick me up.
I'll have a glass of water
and glass of whiskey.
(comical hair plucking noise)
There's an extra
charge for that.
- Here you are.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh.
- Very good ma'am,
now try the whiskey.
- I understand that
you threw a stick
at another little boy in
the schoolyard today.
- That's not true man,
I was waving hello
and my arm fell off.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I
want to tell you something,
and I'd really like to be Frank.
You know something
else, I think Frank
would really like to be me.
- Just because I'm a woman,
I don't want you to
forget that I am a scientist.
So think of me as a
scientist and forget
that I'm a woman.
- Very well.
Bring me one of those
cages of white rats.
- (shrieking) White rats!
- Did I say white rats?
Oh!
I hate them.
- Where ya been?
- I just been to a
meeting of my fan club.
- You know, I
think it's really nice
your dad asked my
mother out to dinner tonight.
- Yeah, but you know
there both so stubborn
about doing anything
about their hearing problem.
- Yes, but I hope
they'll be alright.
- What?
- I hope, oh no.
I hope they'll be alright.
- I think you and I understand
each-other perfectly, don't you?
- I think a plain
piece of fish is better.
Beef makes me burp.
- Why thank you.
- Good evening folks.
Would you please be kind enough
to make your order
in a loud, clear voice?
My hearing aid isn't working.
- Fine, just fine.
- Thank you.
- What do you recommend?
- Ask him what he recommends.
- Would you like for me
to recommend something?
- No, roast beef makes me burp.
What kind of fish you got?
- Okay, that's one roast beef,
and what will you have, sir?
- I'll have whatever
he's having.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't have that.
- What comes with this fish?
- How about a
nice piece of fish?
- Do you have any fish?
- Alright, that two roast beefs.
Now how would
you like that, madam.
- Oh, thank you.
- Boy, I'm starved.
- Okay, have it your way,
we'll have the roast beef.
- I'm sorry folks,
but we're out of luck.
All we have left is the fish.
- Good, make mine medium rare.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
- Make it two on the
red snapper, Harry!
You can bet your fifty
you're gonna shiver
In the Mississippi
'Cause you going up the river
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
- From now on, I'mma
call you September.
- Why's that?
- Because you just go 30 days.
- Terrific.
- Terrific?
- Hi, Lisa here aboard
the S.S. Whoopie.
You know how I got my
first date on this cruise?
I was standing on the
port side of the stern,
and I took a starboard bow.
Whoopie.
- And now here's the
lovely Mark Spitz to sing
Oh Dem Golden Clippers.
- Hey Moosie, has
your Dad talked to you
about an allowance yet?
- Yeah, he said
anything I could give him
will be appreciated.
From this valley
they say She is going
And ten guys
Heaved a sigh Of relief
- What'll you have, Major?
- I'll have the same thing
that the little lady's having.
- Okay, there ya go.
- Oh my goodness
gracious, I just love daiquiris.
- Oh wait a minute,
wait a minute,
come back stranger.
- I can't come back
any stranger than I am.
The 50s, the 50s,
the 50s, the 50s
The 50s, the 50s,
the 50s, the 50s
The 50s, the 50s,
The very golden 50s,
Those sweet and
sour Eisenhower days
The fun and the follies,
the kooky fans and
All these hula hoops
were all the craze
Grace Kelly went regal
The commies were illegal
The Joe McCarthy
witch-hunt was in bloom
The actors had mumbles
The street gangs
had their rumbles
And the music went
Sha-Boom sha-boom
Ya-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da
Sha-Boom sha-boom
Ya-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da
The Marilyn wiggle,
The whisper and the giggle
The things that made
us worship Miss Monroe.
The magic of Elvis
That movement of his pelvis
Was all we have to know
The saucers kept flying
Was Bridey Murphy lying?
Will chlorophyll do
everything it claims?
The Lennys, The
Bridgets, The Edsels,
And the Midges,
And the beatniks bein' blamed
The 50s, the 50s,
the Howdy Doody 50s,
Those Caesar, Pogo,
My Fair Lady days.
- [All] The 50s!
- You know, in the 50s Eddie
Fisher and Debbie Reynolds
were America's ideal newlyweds.
Who can ever forget that?
- I don't know, but Eddie
and Debbie would like to.
- You know, they had some
pretty strange traffic laws
down south in the 50s.
I mean, look what
happened to James Meredith
for just trying to cross the
white line in Mississippi.
- I'm sorry son,
but no negro is going
to enter this school.
- Look, that's okay with me,
but you're gonna have to
mop those floors yourself.
- However, we are prepared
to make an exception.
- Yeah, but we ain't.
- Some people say that
the 50s was a dull decade.
But to me, it was 20
of best years of my life.
- And the Mickey Mouse
Club was really big in the 50s.
- That's right, we need
another sweater for little Annette.
This time you better
make it a 36-D.
- Well the 50s, they were
such a really crazy time.
Milton Berle wore a
dress, a wig, and lipstick,
and he was the
king of television.
And also the queen.
- You know something man?
I know a black dude
who went to Denmark,
and when he got back
you know what he told me?
He said, "Don't
you call me boy."
- Can I help you, madam?
- Yes, I'm just so tired
of everything I have,
I'm looking for something new.
- Would you like me to
show you something in a sack.
- Lots of people were
indicted for cheating
on TV quiz shows in the 50s.
One contestant was
sentenced to 15 years
in the isolation booth.
Whoopie.
- I guess that
wraps it up for now.
Goodnight, Chet.
Goodnight, David.
- In the 1950s, Sam.
You remember the 50s?
- Yes.
- Well there were
two lemons unloaded
on the American public.
The Studebaker and the VW.
- The VW, you mean
the Volkswagen?
- No the VW, the Vietnam War.
- Dan and Dick
first met in 1951,
and for that reason alone all
the 50s will be remembered.
- I predict
20 years from now
you two will be stars of
your own hit television show
Monday nights at
eight, seven central time.
- Hey that's great,
what did I tell you.
Isn't she something, huh?
- What'll be the
name of our show?
- Gunsmoke.
- In the 50s, the
Russians were the first
to put animals into space.
We didn't have
anything like that.
Dogs going round
and round in circles.
- Yes we did.
Had a women's roller derby.
- Gerry, you know
like that record
your company's
puttin' out, it stinks man.
Tayola wouldn't do it,
I wouldn't play it
on the air for $100.
- Well how about $200.
- And now, record
fans, here's the new
splash hit I really love.
- Kids today are copying
the styles of the 1950s.
For instance, the
ponytail was a big craze
with the girls then, and
it's becoming popular now.
Only the guys are wearing them.
- Hey, where's my meal?
- Alright, alright.
- Now remember,
we gonna go in there
and we gonna
demand the same rights
that everybody else gets, dig?
Right on.
Go ahead.
- Okay.
Now the water.
Okay, now, what do you want.
- [Both] Nevermind.
- Meanwhile,
back at the salutes.
- Lester, do you
think they'll ever admit
a red China to the UN?
Are you kidding man?
Red China's got as much
chance of getting into the UN
as Richard Nixon does
of becoming president.
- I was wondering
why are so many people are
looking back at the 50s today.
- Because if they try to
look forward to the 50s,
they won't see anything,
which the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- In the 50s, when
high school students
talked about a class trip,
it really meant getting on a
bus and going somewhere.
- Would you come here
and look at what our daughter
and the boy from next door
are doing out in the backyard.
- It's all perfectly
innocent dear,
they're just playing
with their hula hoops.
- Oh yeah, then what
are these doing here?
- Hi there, remember me?
I'm Stubby Checker, I once
did a song that went like this.
Got to dance It go like this
(Sammy scatting)
And remember that stupid song.
If you remember
that, then imagine
that you are probably
stupid enough to be interested
in my new hip record offer,
The Great Hits of the 50s.
Yes sir keen teens, you'll
dig these great hit tunes like
I Married My Car by
Eddie and the Lube Jobs.
Yes, can you dig?
You'll have it made in the
shade when you get this
rock classic Old Sally,
which incidentally
went like this.
Oh Sally Oh Sally
Another million seller
called Old Marcy,
which went like this
Oh Marcy, Oh Marcy,
Another old favorite called
I Dropped the Bomb
at the Junior Prom
by Douglas MacArthur
and the Generals.
And pretty soon, baboon,
you'll be cooler than the breeze,
send a buck and a half and
a label from a pack of sin-sins
to me, Stubby Checker.
That's my name,
don't wear it out now.
See you later!
Bye-bye butterfly.
So long King Kong.
The 50s, the 50s
The Debbie, Eddie 50s
The slightly groovy,
greedy movie age
The war in Korea
Miss Mantel and Sofia,
Jimmy Dean was all the rage
The 50s, the 50s, The
Russian Sputnik 50s
That blackboard jungle
Mickey Mouse Club days.
- [All] The 50s!
- Of all the things
that I remember,
when I was kid for instance,
my mom would make me
drink glass for breakfast,
dinner, supper.
And actually it's
kinda funny but related,
between meals,
and I can even remember
I had a great big glass
before I went to bed.
And I guess when
you get right down to it,
I gotta say that
if it wasn't for,
if it wasn't for all of that,
I wouldn't be what I am today.
- [Narrator] Everybody needs
scotch, even Sammy Davis.
- I mean, as bad
as it tastes man,
I do it for Mom.
(Sammy crying)
- I'm lost.
And I told everybody my Momma
put my name inside my shirt.
Now all the kids call
me Fruit of the Loom.
- Momma. Momma.
(wacky orchestral music)
(mysterious orchestral music)
- I got the yo-yo.
- I got the string.
- Cargo ships docks at Pier 12.
- Peanut butter sticks
on the roof of your mouth.
- You must be X-10.
- I'm X-10.
- You're late, X-10.
You were supposed to
have been here last week.
- I was on an
assignment in Brazil.
- I'm gonna have to give
you instructions rather quickly,
you don't know where you're
supposed to go, do you?
- I have no idea.
- You have a very
complicated mission,
you better write all
these instructions down.
- I don't have to write it down,
I have a pornographic...
- Photographic.
- Photographic memory.
- Never forget anything?
- Everything is
imdebibly etched.
- Indelibly etched in your mind?
What ever that means.
A remarkable ability to have.
- It's a remarkable
ability to have.
- No you don't write that down.
- No I don't write that down.
- [Nearly In Unison] Next
Wednesday evening at 8:30
I want you to be on the corner
of 42 and Broadway
in Times Square.
Now, then the delivery
truck for the New York Times
will drop off a stack of
newspapers on the corner.
Make sure you get the
second paper from the top.
Turn to the shipping news,
the shipping news will
have 10 boats listed,
you read the listing
for the fourth boat.
Find out what time it leaves,
make sure you're in
the hold at that time.
That boat docks at Marseilles,
you take the night
train to Berlin,
when you get to Berlin
you go the drug store
in the bottom of
the Hilton Hotel.
- You got me so far?
- I lost you at the bakery.
- You don't go to
any bakery, I told you.
- [Dan and Dick] La-di-da-da
- I got the yo-yo.
- I got the string.
- You're X-5.
- That's right, I'm X-5.
- Do you know X-10?
- No, I don't think I do.
- We actually worked
together in Berlin five years ago,
- That's right.
He was on one side of the
wall and I was on the other,
but we didn't see
each-other, it was dark
and I didn't smile.
- We all would've died.
- We don't have time
for any more of those
nostalgic remembrances,
we gotta get this
mission started.
You men will work together,
but you don't meet
in this country,
you'll meet in Berlin.
- In Berlin.
- Right. Now then, you
know the Hilton Hotel?
There's a drug store in the
bottom of the Hilton Hotel,
I want you to sit on the
fourth stool from the end.
You order yourself a
hot bagel and a pizza.
Now then, if the waitress says,
"What kind of an order is that?"
you say to her in German,
you speak fluent
German, I understand.
Okay so, "How is
your aunt Maude,
"and where is she this evening?"
Alright then, you get to cross
Checkpoint Charlie in disguise.
You will meet X-10
in the restaurant
on the corner of 16th
and Vilwenstrausse in east,
yes Vilwenstrausse,
it's a little beer garden,
you'll like it.
You got me so far?
- You lost me at the bakery.
- You didn't go to any bakery.
The important thing is when
you meet in the beer garden,
you have to get the
spy who will be in there,
Now you can't miss the spy.
- Don't worry, we'll find him.
- Give us a description.
- Six foot five,
strong as a bull, scar
on the right cheek,
one blue eye, one brown.
You got that?
- Got it.
- There he goes now.
Master of disguises.
- Ah, but he can't
fool us, right?
- Nobody can fool us.
Now, I'll hold him
and you frisk him.
- No, no, you frisk
him and I'll hold him.
- Look, there's
gonna be frisking,
I'll do the frisking,
you do the holding.
- There's a lot more
fun holding than frisking,
let me tell you.
- I don't know, I like frisking.
- Well frisking can be good too.
- What's the trouble, officer?
- We'll you see a prisoner
escaped from the state prison,
and we've gotta
check everybody out.
Could I see your
identification please?
- Certainly.
- Yeah, that's you alright.
You can go ahead, Mr. Dolan.
- Oh, well my Harry
always was a fresh air fiend.
- Say, where can I find
the French dressing.
- Any bedroom in Paris.
Let's move along.
(Sammy crying)
- Oh, what's the
matter little boy.
- Well I don't have no mommy.
And I want a mommy real bad.
- Well don't cry any more,
could I be your mommmy?
- Not unless I get a
little lighter than I am.
Or you darken down.
- [Man] This is Denver Airport,
calling flight four one niner.
This is Denver Airport,
calling flight four one niner.
- Denver Airport,
four one niner.
- [Man] Due to
heavy traffic condition,
you will have to
circle Denver Airport
for at least a half an hour.
- Boy these passengers
are gonna be angry.
- Well it's only a half hour.
- Yeah, but we're supposed
to be going to Hawaii.
- Have you heard
what the sisters
are calling their
new, shorter habits?
- No, what?
- Christian Diors.
- Sarah Kennedy really gets mad
when you give her a compliment.
- How do you know?
- Well I was just telling her
how good she looks for her age,
and she slammed the
dressing room door.
The old grey mare
He ain't what he
used to be Ain't what
- I just got in from
Snakebite, Arizona.
- Want a shot of whiskey?
- I could use a
shot of penicillin.
Got a bad cough down there.
Hello Momma.
How about loaning me a dollar.
- Well I'm sorry
but I'm flat busted.
- I noticed that, but
what's that got to do
with loaning me a dollar.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
because of a previous
commitment and other factors,
NBC vice president
David Tebet will not
eat a live chicken
on tonight's program.
- Hi, Lisa here doing
our survey on the
S.S. Whoopie singles cruise.
This is fantastic.
There are three men
for every girl on this ship.
Boy am I tired.
Now I know why the
call it a poop deck.
Whoopie.
Oh the honey is sweet
Lick it off your plate
I'm sending you to jail
To make license plates
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
Oh, there go the
judge, there go the judge
No, the judge is coming,
the judge is coming
- Well, everybody
in the courtroom now
knows the verdict and the
sentence except you, the prisoner.
Now just to liven up
the case a little bit here,
we're gonna let you guess.
- Well I'll be hanged if I will.
- Alright, now which
one of you cats blabbed?
- Of course, if you ever
seen Sammy Davis in person,
you know he's a very funny guy.
But he's funnier off stage.
I remember one time, the
three of us, Dick and Sam and I
were working (audience laughing)
at different places
in Las Vegas and...
- Jumpers.
Man your shroud lines.
Buckle up, stand by to eject.
Yahoo.
- Good heavens,
it's super ninny.
- You won't say that
tomorrow afternoon.
- I won't.
- Whoops.
That's another one
of my great tricks.
- There it goes.
- You won't say that.
Ah, finally got the old hell.
- Helmet on.
- Helmet, thank you, I
couldn't think of the name.
I remember it used
to be Helmut Dantine.
- Now it's Lyle Talbot.
- That's true.
- You won't say that.
- Do you remember
what you were saying?
- Yes I remember,
you were going...
- Tomorrow!
Tomorrow, as a matter of fact,
I am going to be plummeting
through the atmosphere.
- You are?
- Yes, soaring like an eagle,
silhouetted against the sun.
- Hold on, now why in the world
would you want to
jump from the sky?
- Because it's there.
- What's there?
- How do I know, I've
never been up there.
- That makes no sense.
- Well, man must
find new challenges.
- I suppose so.
- To conquer.
(laughing) I didn't know
there was a pause there.
Man must find new
challenges to conquer.
Why does a castle... - Cousteau.
- Fine, thanks, how are you.
- Jacques Cousteau.
- Why does Jacques Cousteau
sink to the bottom of the sea?
Think about it.
Why does Hillary
climb a mountain?
Why does a Burton
marry Elizabeth Taylor?
- Wait a minute, I give up. Why?
- Because they're there.
And boy are they there.
And there.
They'll be there tomorrow, too.
- I'm not sure about you.
- Tomorrow is J-Day,
the moment of truth.
Jump Day?
- J-Day.
- Whenever you're
there, think of me.
Think of me up in the blue.
- I'll think of you
up in the blue.
- At 12 o'clock high.
- 12 o'clock high?
- You don't think
I'll be sober, do you?
At 12 o'clock noon I'll
be poised at the hatch.
The slipstream
biting at my face,
and finally the countdown.
Five, four, three,
seven, six, five.
- What kind of
countdown is that?
- What do you
mean? Don't rush me.
- Don't rush you?
- And then I jump.
I jump yelling, "Hiawatha."
- Geronimo.
- Bless you.
- How many jumps have you had?
- I never dreamed
you'd ask me that.
Show folks never tell you.
- How many times have
you jumped off an airplane?
- One and one half times.
- One and one,
how's that possible?
- Well, in the middle
of the second jump,
I changed my mind.
- You can't change
your mind in mid-air.
- You can if you
forgot your parachute.
- Probably a good idea.
(jazz music)
(audience laughing)
It's later than you think
Won't say it again
You better get some ink
'Cause you goin' to the pen.
Here come the judge,
here come the judge
The judge is comin',
the judge is comin'
Oh here come the judge.
- You know something?
You remind me of a
salmon that's about to spawn.
- Why's that?
- 'Cause I'm sending
you up the river.
- Can I appeal to you?
- You do, don't tell no one.
- And now, here Zsa
Zsa Gabor to sing
Love is Lovelier the
232nd Time Around.
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five and half years old,
and I don't have to say
nothing if don't want to.
And you know what happened?
Momma said Buster was very sick.
And I said, how did she know,
because Buster never
hardly talks to her.
And she said his nose
wasn't cold and wet,
and that's how come he was sick.
So I went in the refrigerator
and I got a raspberry Popsicle.
That's my favorite.
And then I rubbed
it on Buster's nose,
and made his nose
very wet and very cold.
And now he's okay,
and that's the truth.
Oh bury me not
On the lone prairie
Unless her husband
Catches up with me
- Oh bartender?
- Yeah?
- Ask the cowboy if he'd
like to buy a lady a drink?
- She'd like to know if you'd
like to buy a lady a drink?
- Don't mind if do.
Shall we wait 'til one
comes in or do you deliver?
- Do you have
anything for laryngitis?
- Sure.
- Oh, what're you?
Stop it! Stop it!
What have you done?
- That'll be $4.50.
- Well thank you.
- Lisa, still here on
the S.S. Whoopie,
this singles cruise is exciting,
but the captain doesn't
know what he's doing.
He has had the ship headed
towards the Virgin Islands,
and halfway there we had to
turn around and come back.
Whoopie, what a storm.
- I can feel this is the round,
I want you to move around,
move around, use your feet.
- You mean dance around.
- No, I mean kick
him in the shins.
- I understand you were
smoking in class today.
- Wasn't my fault.
It was one of the dudes
that made me smoke.
- Well how did he do that?
- He rubbed my legs together.
- You know, a lot of
people have asked me
why do I do this on television.
Well let me explain it to you,
it means peace and
love and togetherness.
It also means, if I don't
get peace and love,
I'm gonna punch
you in your mouth.
- Sir, sir, how do you do sir?
How do you do, excuse the wart.
Now, you look like
a man who's in need
of a genuine 24
karat gold ring, sir.
- Let go of me, I already
have a 24 karat gold ring,
it's right here on my...
- Like I was saying, friend,
you look like a man who's in
need of a 24 karat gold ring.
- Hey Tod, why was a
baby's shoe so unhappy?
- I don't know, why?
- Because it's
mommy was a sneaker,
and it's daddy was loafer.
- Now we take you
back to that famous day
when Sammy Davis
Junior joined up
with his uncle and his father
to form the Will Mastin Trio.
- Ah, Will,
Will I tell you it's no good.
We gotta do something to
make our act more exciting,
or else we're gonna have
to get out of the business.
- [Muffled Voice] Well, why
don't you put me in the act?
But you're already in the act.
- Wait a minute, I
didn't say nothing.
- Then who did?
- Hey partner, what
we're you doing
down in that trunk Sammy Junior?
- Mostly suffocating.
- Look son, it's
very sweet of you,
but you just
can't be in the act.
- Yes I can.
- Yes I can, hey that's
a good title for a book.
(laughing)
- Let me join you
and Uncle Will.
Now, what do I have to do?
- What do you have to do?
Well son, besides knowing
the tricks and the
trades of the business,
you gotta do things like this.
(tap dancing)
(audience clapping)
(horn blaring)
And maybe then I'll
know What kind of fool
I am
- You're in the act, son.
(jazz music)
They call me destroyer
So don't you budge
I'm gonna hang your lawyer
'Cause I am the judge
I am the judge, I am the judge,
I am the judge so
don't you budge
I said here come the judge
- I was looking in the window
while this lady was undressing.
- Then you done
broke the peekin' law.
- Well you know it's not
my fault this beautiful thing
prances around every
night with no clothes on,
and the window open.
- Every night?
- Every night!
- Mm.
30 days, or $30,
and or the address of
the corpus delectable.
(silly orchestral music)
- What do you want,
front page or what?
- Oh, give me the sports page.
- Ladies and
gentlemen, this is a test.
For the next 10 seconds,
this station will conduct
a test of the emergency
comedy system.
Remember, this is only a test.
This has been a test of the
emergency comedy system.
Laugh In has
developed this system
to keep you smiling in
the event of a bad joke.
If this had been an
actual emergency,
you would have been instructed
to hide under a
fat person and say,
"Pookie, pookie, pookie."
Thank you very much.
Thank you again.
(phone line ringing)
- One ringy dingy.
Oh gracious, hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Mr. Burt Reynolds, star of
stage, screen and centerfold?
Is this you, Burt?
This is Miss Tomlin from
the telephone company.
Listen, I called to tell ya
I just loved your last picture.
No, no, no, the one in Cosmo.
I hear it did wonders for
Helen Gurlie Brown's circulation.
And the magazine didn't
do bad, either. (snorts)
Hello, Burt? Burt?
Hello?
- Officer Caldwell, checking in.
- [Man On Phone] There's
a woman on the corner
of Hollywood
and Vine soliciting.
Can you pick her up?
- Not on a policeman's salary.
- I want to let you
know, I'm nobody's fool.
In other words, you can't
pull the wool over my eye.
- It's kinda nice
here, actually.
- Yeah, you know,
on a clear day,
you can see the guillotine.
- Hey Moosie, do you
know what a comet is?
- A what?
- A comet, don't you know
what they call a star with a tail?
- Sure I do.
Mickey Mouse.
- Excuse me.
Do you this is rather
a strange request,
but do you have anything
in a purple sequin jumpsuit,
with say red tassels and
kinda a flaming orange fringe?
- We certainly do,
our Mr. Rappaport.
But he flew away this morning.
- Sister?
- Yes?
- I think Father Simpson
used to be in show business.
- Oh really?
What makes you think that?
- Well the other day,
he said do unto others
was the best one
liner ever written.
- Say,
you've got a rather sexy walk.
How did you get that walk?
- Well last night, I was
doing my deep knee bends.
And I forgot to
take off my spurs.
- Ahoy mates, Lisa here
on the S.S. Whoopie.
Yesterday we
sailed into a fog bank.
It was so dense that
nobody could see a thing.
We all had to feel our
way around with our hands.
Today we are getting
a petition to the captain
to find us another fog bank.
Whoopie, All hands on deck.
Whoopie.
- Educators in the United
States have learned
that nine out of 10
people in this country
mispronounce
the word "li-berry".
- Hey Leonard?
- What is it, Doris?
- Did you know that a camel
can go for days without a drink?
- I don't really care
if they can or not,
alls I wanna know
is why they'd want to.
- What the longest you've
ever gone without a drink?
- How far is it to the next bar?
- It's about a block and a half.
- That's the longest I've
ever been without a drink,
a block and a half.
- Sammy, you were great tonight.
Hey, Dick and I were wondering,
would you do a favor?
- Hey, I'm so glad to get
through this show alive man,
I'd do anything.
- Would you do a little
dance number for us?
- Hey, it would
really be a pleasure.
- Hey, groovy. What
would you like to do?
- Hey, there's a great
old number called
Give Me the Old Soft Shoe.
- Gee Sam, I'm sorry,
we're all outta soft shoes.
- How about nice chicken?
- What are you, bananas?
Who can do a number called
Give Me an Old Soft Chicken.
- Sammy is feeling
a little foul tonight,
and well maybe this
will perk us all up,
let's take a look and see
what's gonna be on
the show next week.
- I'm never coming back again.
- [Dan And Dick Narrating]
Johnny Carson will be here.
And we'll have a lot of fun
with Charlie Callous,
and Sandy Duncan,
along with Arthur Gottfried.
- Hey gang, who
is very religious
and is dangerous to step on?
- [Several People]
I don't know, who?
- Norman Vincent Banana Peel.
- Richard, did you
know that Nathan Hale
once made an attempt to
sneak information to the British?
- Well you can't
hang a guy for trying.
- Wrong!
- Ruth?
- Yes, Lily?
- What do you get if you
cross a chicken and a fireman?
- I don't know, what?
- A pair of red suspenders
that keep running
across the road.
And she has been
married several times
and wears a diamond necklace
Yeah, yeah, yeah - Who?
- Zsa Zsa Gaboom.
- Hey who lives in Minneapolis,
has her own television show
and knocks everybody dead?
- I don't know Dan,
I give up. Who?
- Mary Tyler Mortician.
- Hey Phyllis Nelson
wants to know who said
give me libery or
give me death, please.
Patrick Henny Youngman.
- [All] Right!
- What trio of famous Frenchmen
lost all of their sword fights
because they were always
bombed on cheap wine?
- I don't know, who?
- The Three Moscatos.
Incidentally, speaking
of famous Frenchmen,
I know a Jewish magician
who does a great trick.
He pulls Rabbis
out of his yarmulke.
A yarmulke, that's
a short, nevermind.
- Who was the most famous
midget poet out of all of them?
- I don't know, who?
- Henry Wadsworth Shortfellow.
- Willie, what do you have
with a boring corned
beef sandwich?
- I don't know, what?
- A dull pickle.
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- What famous author used
to hang around the docks?
- I don't know, who?
- Robert Louis Stevedore.
- It's still time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- You're supposed
to say that with me.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Uncle Will.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick,
you really slick.
Hope you don't get sick
and I'll see you quick.
Let's twist again Like
we did last summer
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- I ain't lost no more,
so goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Whoopie.
- Goodnight, Dick.
I done said goodnight.
I ain't gonna say
goodnight no more,
'cause I am the judge.
You understand that?
I am the judge, I am the judge
I am the judge
(wacky orchestral music)
(strange laughing)