Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 16 - Episode #6.16 - full transcript
- 12 o'clock and all's well!
12 o'clock and all's well!
- [Announcer] Hey, wait
a minute, it's eight o'clock,
and it's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-in.
- Eight o'clock and
we've got big trouble.
(drum roll)
- You know, I'm really
getting sick and tired
of people making fun of the fact
that on one, one
particular occasion,
while singing before
the List and Clay fight,
I happened to forget
part of the words
to the Star Spangled, (stutters)
ay. (audience laughs)
- Yeah.
- 'Fraid it's over for him.
- Yeah, I don't understand it.
He spent hours every
day doing his exercise.
- Well, I could tell that.
I mean, he looks marvelous.
- Yeah, don't he?
(audience laughs)
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Listen, every time I start
my car, it sounds like this.
It goes (vocalizes buzzing).
- Well, if I were you,
I'd get two more motors
and get into show business.
(audience laughs)
I was in it once.
I left it when we
started these runners.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa here again.
And this week, Laugh-in
had me working for the FBI
as an undercover whoopee.
After three days
of intensive training,
they gave me a special
security clearance.
Topless secret.
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- All right.
When I say, "Jump,"
I want you to...
(whistling, thump)
Now, just let me finish.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Harry, we've been
friends a long time, haven't we?
- Oh, that's right, a long time.
- Well, you wouldn't mind
if I asked you a favor?
- Oh no, of course not.
What is it?
- Would you mind
rocking with me?
I'm getting seasick.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, Madge, my
hands look awful.
They're all red
from doing dishes.
- Oh, well, just soak 'em
in this stuff for a while,
and that'll take away the red.
- What is this stuff?
- Oh, it's blue paint.
It never fails to
get rid of red hands.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess tonight
we're gonna show the world
that you ain't got a
glass jaw, huh, kid?
(glass shattering and tinkling)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wanted to say,
this is a heck of an idea.
I'm sure glad we brought
the boss home for dinner.
- Hey, so am I.
- Well, I'm not.
- Who are you?
- I'm the boss.
Who cut your hair, Dumbo?
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen, welcome
to Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in.
(audience applauds)
- Oh!
- That's fine.
Listen, girls, I want
you to stand back.
Guards, try to
control this audience.
I tell you, Mr. Handsome
is here tonight.
- All right, Dan,
you can let 'em go.
I'll take my chances.
- I know you will.
I'm talking about
everybody's matinee idol,
the best-looking man in showbiz.
- Well, thank you.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Robert Goulet.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- How are you, Dick, hey, Dan.
- This is the handsomest
man in show business?
You gotta be kidding!
Why, no girl in her
right mind'd fall for a guy
who looks like that!
(girls scream and squeal)
(audience laughs)
- [Girl] Oh, let me
at 'em, let me at 'em!
(audience applauds)
- Give me a nose,
glasses and mustache!
(kazoo whistles)
- [Announcer] It's Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-in,
starring Dan Rowan
(audience applauds)
and Dick Martin,
with guest start Robert Goulet,
cameo appearances
by Charles Fleischer,
plus Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Patty
Bates, Sarah Kennedy,
Donna Jean Young,
Lisa Farringer,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word about financing.
If you want to borrow
for any honest purpose,
go right ahead.
If you wanna borrow
for any shady purpose,
then let me in on it.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
(silly music, kazoo)
And now, here is Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds,
whistles, and cheers)
- Good evening,
thank you very much.
I know I'm gonna be
sorry that I've asked,
but what's the
matter with your foot?
- Well, I broke my foot.
- You broke it?
- Yes.
- Gee, that's a shame.
Does it still hurt?
- Uh, wait a minute,
I'll let you know.
(crashing)
(yells) (audience laughs)
Oh, please don't ask that again.
(audience laughs)
- Did you have an accident?
- No, I didn't do
this on purpose.
- Well, I know that,
but what happened?
- Well, take a guess.
- Did you get hit by a car?
- No.
- Fall up a flight of stairs?
- No.
- Fall down a flight of stairs?
(audience laughs)
- No.
- Neither one?
- No, neither one.
- Aren't you gonna
tell me what happened?
- I was gonna give
you one more guess,
but I'll tell you anyway.
I broke it skiing.
- Skiing?
What did you hit?
- A stove in a
Chinese restaurant.
(audience laughs)
- A stove in a?
What were you doing in a
Chinese restaurant on skis?
- Oh, about 65 miles an hour.
(audience laughs)
- I don't mean that.
How did you get
from the ski slopes
into a Chinese restaurant?
- Well, I went
through the back door
and made a left at the kitchen.
Where else would
they keep the stove?
(audience laughs)
- That's pretty dumb.
- Dumb, I think it's dumb.
Who with a guy building a,
at the bottom of a ski slope.
- I don't blame
you for being mad.
- I'm mad, I'm angry.
(audience laughs)
Imagine a guy
building a restaurant
six blocks at the
bottom of a ski slope!
- Six blocks from the bottom?
- Six blocks!
- Well, how could you ski
through the whole middle of a town
without stopping?
- Well, I had
made all the lights.
- Made all the lights.
(audience laughs)
- I didn't stop for
coffee. (laughs)
Jean Bailiss.
- I'm glad you got a
good sense of humor
about a thing like that.
It's a terrible place to ski.
Have you ever tried Aspen?
- Well, I've tried Aspen,
Alka-Seltzer, everything.
Nothing, still hurts.
- Oh, you don't even
know what Aspen is?
- Yeah, it's a ski maneuver.
- It is not.
Aspen is a ski resort, like
Squaw Valley or Jackson Hole,
where you can look
at the Grant Tetons.
- Hm?
(audience laughs)
- I guess you won't be
skiing for a while, will you?
- Well, that's right,
it's too cold anyway.
- Too cold?
Didn't you wear your
thermal underwear?
- Yeah, but the hot
coffee kept leaking
all over my leg.
(audience laughs)
- I really just can't
picture you on skis.
- Are you kidding?
Why, you know that big Olympic
ski jump at Squaw Valley?
- Sure, it's where they
had the Winter Olympics.
I watched 'em up there.
That's a big jump.
That thing is perpendicular.
- Oh, it's straight up and down.
- Yeah, almost.
You've been up the
Squaw Valley ski jump?
- Sure.
- Where did you ever get
enough nerve to do that?
- Phil's Liquor Store, mostly.
(audience laughs)
- You don't mean you were drunk?
- I wouldn't go off sober.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it must take
a lot of courage, boy.
- You know, I can still see it.
There I am at the
top of the jump.
I crouch down, and I go,
and then I know,
before I know it,
I start down that hill.
- It's exciting.
- Isn't it exciting?
I can hardly retain myself.
- I've always wanted to
ask a guy who's done that.
- Yes, I'm going!
Down the slope!
- Boy, you're really going fast?
- I'm, all of a sudden.
- Have you ever, can you
simmer down a minute?
- Yes.
- Let me ask you.
Once you start
down a thing like that,
and you're launched
into the air...
- Into the air!
- Have you ever wished
you hadn't done it?
Have you ever wanted
to change your mind?
- Yeah, but as far as I know,
no man has ever been able
to turn back once he's there.
(audience laughs)
Oh no, once I
jump, I'm committed.
- And that's what
you ought to be.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- This is not the
surfer but the slope.
See what I have
here, a $100 watch.
- It's beautiful.
- You can win it for a
mere one buck investment.
- What do I have to do?
- All you have to
do, sir, is roll the dice,
make a seven within 10 rolls,
and the watch will
be no longer mine.
Do you have a dollar, sir?
- I have an idea
you're going to lose.
- Oh, I know a good
bet when I see one.
Let me shoot.
- Oh, the dollar first.
- Oh, the dollar.
There you go.
- Thank you.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
(die tinkles)
Wait a minute, there's
only one dice there.
I'll never make a seven.
- Did I tell you it was
going to be easy?
(audience laughs)
(couch rattles)
- Who are you and
where are you going?
- I'm a psychiatrist, and
I'm making a house call.
(couch rattles)
(audience laughs)
- Donna Jean?
- Yeah?
- What are you doing?
- I'm wearing new stockings,
and someone told
me I got a run in them.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, but
have either of you seen
my ancient Chinese gopher?
- No, but I saw an
old Oriental pull-down.
- What is an old
Oriental pull-down?
(both talk over each other)
(audience laughs and applauds)
- My condolences, Jo Anne.
I know it's pretty hard
to lose your husband.
- Pretty hard?
It was almost impossible.
(audience laughs)
(sighs)
- Lisa again.
As part of my job as
an undercover whoopee,
I was sent to the Pentagon
to check on their security.
I didn't learn much about
the Defense Department.
But I can tell you some
things about Melvin Laird
that would curl your hair.
Oh, Melvin!
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- When Tom Jones
sings, women actually
throw their underwear
up on the stage.
They do the same
thing when I sing,
but with me, they want
'em back in two days,
fluff dried and no starch.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I see in
your future a tall,
oh, would you mind sitting down?
I don't like anybody
reading over my shoulder.
(audience laughs)
(gasps) Oh, oh I see,
oh, you gotta see this.
(audience laughs)
Isn't it terrific?
- Good night, my love.
Sir Lancelot of the Round Table.
- Lancelot!
What are you
doing in my boudoir?
- I cannot fight it any
longer, Guinevere.
I must have you.
- But what about my
husband, the king?
- Let me get his own broads.
(audience laughs)
- Lancelot!
I am queen!
- I know.
(audience laughs)
You'd be queen if you were king.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sir Lancelot, Knight
of the Round Table,
must take you away.
- Oh, away, away, certainly,
to some gay bar, I know you.
(audience laughs)
I couldn't give this
all up for one night.
- How about a weekend?
- Now you're
talking my language.
But would you ever leave me?
- No.
No, never would I leave you.
But would you leave me?
- No, never would I leave you.
- Look at me.
(bell dings)
Oh, sorry.
(audience laughs)
Toot, toot, tootsie, goodbye
Toot, toot, tootsie, don't cry
(audience applauds)
- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
- No, can you help me?
- That's what I thought.
- That's right.
Listen, when my horn honks,
it goes beep beep, beep, beep.
- What do you expect it to
go, the bells of St. Mary's?
(audience laughs)
Just a little humor.
- Very little.
(audience laughs)
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
- You didn't mind my inviting
my uncle for dinner tonight,
did you?
- Not at all, I thought
he was delicious.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
I'd like to make you
aware of a little problem
that we have had up here.
It seems that we ran
out of gas a while back,
and we've been coasting
the last few miles.
However, we're coming
in for a landing now.
(chuckles) I hope you'll
be able to tell your friends
about this
record-breaking flight.
- What do you mean,
record-breaking flight?
- Well, to my knowledge,
this is the first time
a 747 has ever landed
in Times Square.
(audience laughs)
- I know one guy who was
put into prison for bigamy.
The poor devil died of
exhaustion from the conjugal visits.
His wives talked him to death.
(audience laughs)
(traffic roars, horns honk)
(conga music)
(audience laughs)
You know, (laughs) I
don't mind admitting
that I think I'm a nice
guy, what the heck.
But it is definitely not true
that when I got married,
I only only took myself
on the honeymoon.
(audience laughs)
- Time once again for
our discovery of the week.
- May I assume, then,
that you have a goody?
- You may make
that assumption, sir.
- Thank you.
- His name is Charles Fleisher,
and he's from our
nation's capital.
- Oh, all the way
from Cleveland, huh?
(audience laughs)
- No, Washington.
- Our discovery of the
week is George Washington?
Where did you dig him up?
- No, no, no,
Mr. Charles Fleischer.
He repeated.
He's a rather unusual
musician who plays the pipes.
- The bagpipes?
- Not exactly.
You're gonna find out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Charles Fleischer.
(audience applauds and cheers)
I'll leave him with you.
- Well, thank you.
(Charles mutters to himself)
- [Charles] First of all,
make the beginning.
- Ah, that's a good thing there.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I haven't seen
one of those in years.
(audience laughs)
- This is a...
- Come right over here.
- Would you hold
that there, sir?
- Yes, I'd be more
than happy to.
(audience laughs)
- You're probably
wondering what that is, right?
- I have a few ideas, but.
- Okay, this is a teutonaphone.
- A teutonaphone?
- The world's only teutonaphone.
It's made out of 22
pieces of lead pipe.
It's in the key of B flat.
- [Dick] B flat, oh, I
would have known that.
(toots squeaky melody on horn)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's beautiful!
(doorbell rings)
- [Man] Yeah?
- From Tracy's Department Store.
Where do you want these?
- What is this?
- It's a, remember
that credit card
you reported stolen?
- Yeah, what about
the credit card?
What about it?
- Your wife found it.
(audience laughs)
- You gotta be in
the wrong sketch.
I'm not even married.
(audience laughs)
Thank you. (door bangs)
(deliveryman thumps)
- This is gonna be very big.
This is called the twirlaphone.
- Ah, a twirlaphone.
- Twirlaphone, this.
- It's a good thing you
didn't ask me what that was.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I was going
to play a song.
- I'd love to hear.
- I was going to play a
longer song, but they told me
'cause of time, I can't.
So I'm going to
play the overture
from the Twirlaphone
Symphony, which is good, yes.
- Did you write this?
- Yes, I did.
- Oh, I'd love to hear it.
I'm on tenterhooks.
(audience laughs)
(plays squeaky, warbly melody)
(audience laughs)
That's beautiful!
(audience applauds)
- Oh hi, Hon.
We just wanted to
go visiting tonight.
We hope we're not imposing.
- Oh, no, no, of course not.
(audience laughs)
- If you have 75 cents.
- Yes.
- I'm sure you do.
- 75 cents?
- Buy yourselves a shower hose.
- A shower hose.
- You can play incredible songs
like the Shower Hose Boogie.
It's in two parts, I'm
gonna play the first part.
(foot taps quickly)
(plays fast-paced,
warbly melody)
- I like, oh, I like that part.
(audience laughs)
That's beautiful!
(audience applauds)
- Bob, do you like to
sing in the shower?
- I do, but it always
ruins my tuxedo.
- Oh, not to mention
your mascara.
- My mascara?
- I told you not to mention it.
(audience laughs)
- I'm going to play the
world's only one-man duet,
on the alto and tenor
shower hose, Acapulco.
- Acapulco, right, Acapulco.
- Would you hold that?
- All right.
- I was figuring
to whirl that thing
around my head, but.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks.
- Okay.
(toots low note)
Just fine, thank you.
(toots high note)
(audience laughs)
- I'm gonna play a
song that's really terrific.
There's No Business
Like Show Business.
- Oh, I love that one.
- 'Cause you know it.
This is it, this is.
- Does this cost us $100, Paul?
(audience laughs)
(toots out squeaky,
warbly melody)
Folks, you're hearing
it here and here.
That's marvelous.
(audience applauds)
Charles Fleischer.
- Lisa here, your
undercover whoopee.
Don't mention this to anyone,
but when I heard I was going
to work for Henry Kissinger,
I tried to get assigned
to the Oval Room.
That's the one place
where Henry can't corner me.
(audience laughs)
I know that joke is a bit old.
But then again, so is Henry.
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- Uh, there's another one.
- Yeah, if it wasn't
for them earthquakes,
we wouldn't have no fun at all.
(audience laughs)
- Help, help!
- Halt, what's the password?
- Well, if "help" doesn't
do it, I'm in trouble.
- Back out.
(audience laughs)
- Friend!
How could you do this to me?
(silly music)
- I'm sorry, Harry, but
it's over between us.
(audience laughs)
- I think Father Flannian
got a little carried
away last Sunday.
- What makes you say that?
- He preached such
fire and brimstone
that halfway through the sermon,
the automatic sprinkler
system went on.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the missionaries
have had quite an effect
on our becoming more civilized.
- But you're still
eating people.
- Sure, but first we say grace.
(audience laughs)
- Hello.
- Right.
- Listen, my rear end seems
to be dragging. (chuckles)
- Well, don't come to me.
Why don't you try Lack LaLanne?
Be a real dragon for a while.
(audience laughs)
Lovely looker and
the girls are here,
so let's call 'em in,
even though I'm
prettier than all of them.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
this is Beautiful Burt Barts.
I'm here tonight to select
the new Miss Galaxy.
Keep those bright
lights off my teeth.
I don't wanna blind anybody.
(audience laughs)
Let's bring on the girls for
the question and answer period
to decide who
the winner will be.
(laughs) Come on in, girls.
There they are.
- [Girls] Hello, Mr. Barts.
- Of course.
Now, number one, tell me
what your favorite things are.
- I told you that last
night in the motel.
(laughs)
- Well, you, great little
kidder, number one.
(sighs) Number
two, what, (laughs)
what memories do
you cherish in life?
- Oh, well, my sweet
16 birthday party,
and the day that I
graduated from high school,
and last weekend at your
apartment, when you...
- Oh, yes, of course,
my goodness.
How about that, folks?
I mean, are not these
girls full of jokes?
(laughs) chock full.
And number three.
My, hello there.
What makes you think
that you deserve the
title of Miss Galaxy?
- Well, I have a
good personality,
a burning desire to win,
and some terrific candid shots
of you and those
other two broads.
(audience laughs)
Lovely to look at
and lovely to see
(audience applauds)
Would you like to come to
my place and swim in the nude?
- Oh, but I don't
know how to swim.
- That's okay, I
don't have a pool.
(audience laughs)
(lively, silly music)
- Lisa here, undercover whoopee.
I just finished with a
security assignment
at the White House.
I think the President
liked my work.
When I left, Mr. Nixon was
sitting in the Lincoln Room,
singing Hail to the Whoopee.
Whoopee.
(audience laughs)
- Well, gang, tonight,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in's
gonna take a look
at people on the job.
Now, there are a lot of ways
for anybody to make a living.
And sometimes, the work
that people get involved in
is really kinda surprising.
For instance, uh,
speaking of a surprising
way to make a living.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I have come to
say goodbye, my friend.
- Well, I'm happy you did that.
Good luck, my friend.
(laughs) Come on, what
are you talking about, Dick?
- You called me Dick. (chuckles)
- What then?
- Even after reassuming
my true Martian identity,
you still call me Dick.
- What are you talking about?
- I've been recalled back home.
Dick Martin no longer exists.
He is an empty shell, a nothing.
- I can't argue with that.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Thank you also for those
wonderful 22 years we shared.
- Are you serious?
- No, my real Martian
name is Whoop Whoop.
(audience laughs)
- Whoop Whoop?
- Hey, you speak Martian, too!
(audience laughs)
Hey, look, we're old friends.
You can call me
by my first Whoop.
- Your first Whoop.
(audience laughs)
I'd like to hope I'm
dreaming all this.
- I am the only offspring
of Plink and Shnern.
(audience laughs)
- Plink and Shnern.
- Plink and Shnern.
- Plink and Shnern.
Didn't we work with
them in Cleveland?
- No, no, no. (audience laughs)
Nevertheless, Plink and Shnern
were my father and my father.
(audience chuckles)
- You mean, wait a, you
can't have two men as parents.
I don't believe it.
- Well, that's exactly
what Plink said to Shnern
when I was delivered.
(audience laughs)
- You mean there are
no women on Mars?
- That is correct.
- That is correct.
- We do not have women.
- Well, what do you have?
- Twinkies.
(audience laughs)
- Twinkies?!
Twinkies take the
place of women?
- I don't think so, that's
why I came down here.
(audience laughs)
Well, I must be off.
- Oh boy. (laughs)
No argument about that, either.
- Nevertheless.
- Old Whoop Whoop is off.
- Old Whoop Whoop
heads back to Bakersfield.
- Bakersfield?
- Where my flying
saucer is hidden
in a female artichoke field.
- Wait a minute.
How can you tell
a female artichoke
from a male artichoke?
- How do I know?
I'm not an expert on artichokes.
(audience laughs)
I don't even like Twinkies.
(audience laughs)
Well, goodbye.
I must concentrate
and beam myself north.
North?
North.
- Bon voyage, Whoop.
- Thanks.
(hums)
Have I disappeared?
(audience laughs)
- Unfortunately,
you're still here, Whoop.
Why don't you
concentrate a little harder?
- Okay.
(hums)
(bell dings)
Well, here I am in Bakersfield.
(audience laughs)
There's a female artichoke now!
Wanna trade for a Twinkie?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(romantic piano music)
My job's new and still unknown
I am into silicone
(audience laughs)
Need a lift, just grab the phone
I'll make your
figure a little bigger
(audience laughs)
This is such amazing stuff
No one ever gets enough
I treat them all
with care and trust
But is the business going bust
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Before I hire you for the job,
I just want to make
sure that you don't mind
taking orders from a woman.
- Oh no, ma'am, please.
Your wish is my
command, my pleasure.
- [Woman] Good, good.
- Definitely the way
I was brought up.
- Here, take out the garbage.
- The garbage!
(audience laughs)
(Dan mumbles)
- Head of the union just told me
they're gonna
shut down the plant
unless we meet their demands.
- You seem to be
pretty shook up about it.
- I am.
- What are their demands?
- They wanna
shut down the plant.
(audience laughs)
- I just don't know
what's the matter with it.
See, it just doesn't work.
- Well, let me take
a look at it, lady.
- Okay.
(glass crashes and tinkles)
(audience laughs)
- [Man] I think it's
your picture tube.
(audience laughs)
My job's really awfully grand
I'm a mouse at Disneyland
But you have to understand
Although I'm skinny,
I'm quite a Minnie
(gags)
(audience laughs)
My boss said the other night
"In a year, you'll
be Snow White"
I can hardly wait for that
But til then, I'm just a rat
- That's right.
(audience applauds)
- Oh, pardon me, do you
have any high heel shoes
and long net stockings?
- 'Course I do.
But I make it a point
never to wear 'em at work.
(audience laughs)
(vocalizes explosion)
- Excuse me.
Careful not to tell the kids
My job's making coffin lids
Work is never on the
skids Don't be foolish
It's not ghoulish - Ghoulish?
There's a rule we lid kids know
Everybody's got to go
So when you send off uncle Sid
I'm the guy what makes the lid.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Where did you get that?
- Found it in the street
a little ways back there.
- What, are you crazy?
- Hm?
- Picking up a cigarette
out of the street.
You don't know who's
smoked that before you did.
Could've been some
person with a terrible disease.
- You're right, I
never thought of that.
Ugh!
(audience laughs)
Hey!
What are you doing?
- I'm enjoying this cigar.
- What about what you told me?
You know, about not smoking it
because who smoked it before?
- Well, that's true.
You didn't know who
smoked it before you.
But I know who
smoked it before me.
(audience laughs) You did.
Nothing wrong
with you, is there?
- No, nothing a little
Penicillin wouldn't clear up.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
I am one of shev-lin-shulsh
Who's in charge of bagel holes
Some girls work
on breakfast rolls
My job's totally
to keep 'em holy
(audience laughs)
I perform this skill and care
Working on that bagel there
If I don't stick to my guns
Bagels will be hot cross buns
(audience laughs)
Pardon the expression.
(audience applauds)
- Officer Nicholson, those
people across the street
have been having
uh, orgies every night,
and it's made my
husband a nervous wreck.
- Well, what do
you want me to do?
- Well, will you go over there
and bring my husband home?
(audience laughs)
- Boss, the quality
inspector says
our factory
smokestacks are faulty
and are causing air pollution.
- Hm.
How much will it cost to fix?
- Well, either 5,000 or 20,000.
- What do you mean?
- Well, for 20,000, they
can fix the smokestacks,
or for 5,000 we
can fix the inspector.
(audience laughs)
- 60, next.
(audience laughs)
My job takes a special brain
I play piano on a plane
When it's bumpy, it's insane
When I play my
ditties Above the cities
(audience laughs)
Though the pay is not too big
It is still a groovy gig
It's the only way to fly
'Cause when I
fly, I'm always High
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Sir?
- Yes, what is it?
- I think that we're in trouble.
The sales are really
dropping off on Dazzle Soap.
- Well, in that case
we better add that new
revolutionary
ingredient, Z149-plus.
- I know, sir, but
won't it cost a fortune
to add Z149-plus to our soap?
- Well, of course it would
if we added it to
the soap, dummy.
Add it to the label.
(audience laughs)
- We have got a problem.
- What?
- Our new cars
just aren't moving.
- You mean they aren't selling?
- No, they're selling,
they're just not moving.
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] The
biggest occupational hazard
among factory workers
today is boredom.
- What's the matter with him?
- Well, he's an assembly
line worker, doctor.
I think it's another
case of boredom.
- Oh, you're
right, you're right,
this man is critically bored.
I'll get the joke book.
(both talk over each other)
A fat man's belt is like
boarding house food.
There's never
enough to go around.
- (laughs) Show him the cartoon.
- Cartoon.
Cartoon.
- Look. (laughs)
- He's not responding.
We need emergency treatment.
- Emergency.
- There we go.
You take this.
(both giggle and whoop)
(hammer clanks)
(hammer clanks)
- He's sinking fast.
I think he'll need
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Nurse!
- [Dan] Glad you
called the nurse.
(audience laughs)
- She gone yet?
(audience laughs)
(whoops)
- Oh, I'm not bored any more!
- Oh, yes!
- As soon as she left,
wow, I'm getting out of here.
Whoo!
- I told you you'd be all right.
Another miracle cure.
Your 10th today, doctor.
What's the matter, doc?
- I don't know, I don't
know, it's this job.
The cases are all alike.
I'm bored, I'm bored.
(hammer clanks)
(audience laughs)
Please, nurse.
(audience laughs)
Boy, just in time.
Lunch.
(audience laughs and applauds)
You think she kissed me?
She never came near me.
(audience applauds)
She was that far
away from my mouth.
- And we are gathered here today
to honor the retiring president
and founder of our firm,
the Benson Pretzel Company.
(audience laughs)
- How do you do?
- What can I do for you?
- Well, I'd like to
borrow $50,000.
- $50,000?
- Yes.
See, a group of us
women liberationists
have gotten together,
and we've decided
that we are sick and tired of
depending upon our husbands
for our financial support.
And we don't need our
husbands to help us.
- All right, what do you
propose to put up for collateral?
- Uh, well, my husband
gave me a very expensive car,
not to mention a
beautiful mink coat.
- Beautiful mink coat?
- I told you not to mention it.
(audience laughs)
- Next.
- All right, you're charged
with being drunk in public.
You wanna enter a
plea before the court?
- Yes, I would, that's not true.
I'm as sober as the judge.
- Case dismissed.
(audience laughs)
(Robert laughs)
- No, no.
- Talk.
Crazy, I suppose (hammer bangs)
Good so far, huh?
(Robert laughs)
I'm in ladies' pantyhose.
(hammer bangs)
See (mumbles)?
- Fascinating.
Please don't say
I'm one of those
(hammer bangs)
Well, you didn't, that's good.
(audience laughs)
Just tell 'em I sell 'em
You paying attention?
- Yes.
Sometimes it's too much to bear
Bear (hammer bangs)
Selling ladies' underwear
It's... (hammer scrapes)
Thank you.
Job I really hate
(audience laughs)
But my legs are simply great
(audience laughs and applauds)
(lively music)
We're very active
when we're dancing
Dancing We're very
seldom cheek to cheek.
Dance cheek to cheek
We're always happy
when we're dancing
Yeah Because we're dancing Greek
Kindly tell us what's the
news, what's the news
What's the news cross the nation
Much we have got,
we have got information
Way in a way in a
way that's amusing
Not, no it's not, no
it's not too confusing
(Greek music)
We just love to
give you our views
(handkerchief whips)
Bad idea
Ladies and gents,
Grecians look at my news
Here is the news
with Dan and Dick
Yeah (audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-in news
with Porky Pig and the Pope,
Humpty Dumpty going for broke,
Milton Burrough stealing a joke,
and Johann Bach feeling baroque.
And now with the news,
here's Dan and Dick.
- With news of the
present, here is Dick.
- Dateline, La Cal.
- That's Los Angeles.
L-A is Los Angeles.
- What's Cal, then?
(audience laughs)
- Just read the item.
- What would you say in Utah?
Yute?
- You would.
(audience laughs)
- Dateline, La Cal.
- La Cal.
- In an unprecedented
move today,
Detroit Motors merged
with Mattel Toy Corporation.
Their first product will be
a new auto safety device,
and from now on, all new
cars will come equipped
with rubber buggy,
rubber buggy baby bumpers.
- Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
- Rubber baby
buggy bug-(stutters).
- Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
- Buggy baby baby...
- How would you say "linoleum"?
- Loleum.
- Very good.
(audience laughs)
- It is rumored American
Airlines is discontinuing
its in-flight entertainment
policy using magicians.
- Would you just put
in-flight entertainment?
- I got that clause
from Donna Jean.
It was left over.
(audience laughs)
After imports in an instance.
(Dan, Dick and audience laugh)
(stutters) Mystical,
that is Mystical,
Mystical the Great
levitated a lady passenger,
and after getting
in her ear (all laugh)
- Getting her in the air.
- That's even better that way!
After getting her in the air,
he forgot the magic words,
forcing the poor
worm-an (laughs)
(audience laughs)
woman, W-R-O-M-A-M,
forcing the poor woman
to circle the piano bar
for nearly two hours.
- [Dan] Oh, dear.
- And now here's Dick
with news of the present.
- No, you just
did that fairly well.
- I know, I heard me.
Why don't you do
the future news?
- I may as well.
News of the future 20 years
from now, dateline, Los Angeles.
After permitting the
biblical theory of creation
to be taught in California
elementary schools,
all other religions were given
equal space in the textbooks.
At the present time,
sixth graders must decide
if the Earth was created
by evolution, God,
or a chicken named Harry.
(audience laughs)
News of the future
20 years from now.
With rising prices
becoming critical,
the nation's scientists
are working desperately
to discover a means of
providing cheaper food.
Three methods are being studied,
one, a change in the
arrangement of molecules in protein,
two, a change in the structure
of chromosomes in cattle,
and three, a change in
the current administration
in Washington.
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] You read
that one easily.
- Yeah. (laughs)
I had trouble with
the woman in the air.
(audience laughs)
- I usually do.
- Yes.
- And now, with
an interest of item...
- [Dan] Item of interest.
- That's even better that way.
And now with an item of
interest from Tinseltown,
we give you internationally
syndicated columnist
Bob Thomas.
- Last night in
Hollywood, thieves broke
into the home of singing
star Robert Goulet
and made off with two dozen
of his most valued possessions.
According to police, they
are now searching the city
for a group of men
carrying 24 hand mirrors.
(audience laughs)
- It's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, to cover a
traditional sporting event,
we take you to our
reporter in Israel.
- Showee, showee, pig,
pig, pig, pig, showee, showee.
Yo-ho, showee.
- Yes, you are a
contestant in Israel's
annual hog calling contest.
- Uh-huh.
- How come you're
using a telephone?
- Well, you see, Israelis
aren't allowed to eat pork, right?
- Right.
- Okay.
And the Arabs aren't
allowed to eat pork, right?
That puts the nearest
pig over 800 miles away.
Oh operator, you got me Chicago?
(audience laughs)
Showee, showee,
pig, pig, pig, pig.
(audience applauds)
- And now, a red
eyed look at the news
of the China-Russia border.
- Oh, Chairman Mao very funny.
Oh, he say all of his country,
store keeper must be honest.
Get this, there must
be no bull in China shop.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, they don't write
them like that any more.
- No, no.
- Now Lenin, Lenin always say,
remember that old, decrepit lady
who is married
to your best friend.
Is not your bag.
(audience laughs)
Hippy jargon.
We both get it.
- Sound like peg job to me.
(audience laughs)
- And now with
the Syndicate news,
here's the godmother,
Alice Capone.
- Alice Capone here
with the Syndicate news.
(hammer bangs)
Don Rowe, the
notorious cat burglar,
was apprehended
today and charged
with stealing over 500 cats.
(audience laughs)
Also, the mob announced today
that it will do its
part to fight pollution.
From now on, they will
use only low-lead bullets,
and no more dumping
bodies in the East River.
(audience laughs)
- And now for a look
at inside showbiz,
let's have breakfast with
Lance and Tina Proudfoot.
(audience laughs)
- Good morning, Lance.
- Ha, good morning, Tina.
(both vocalize smooching)
(kazoo squeals, audience laughs)
(Tina laughs weakly)
(china clatters)
(audience laughs)
(mumbles) that chair.
Take your hands off that.
(china clatters)
(audience laughs)
Sit down.
- [Tina] Yes.
- Well, good
morning to you, Tina.
Who's our guest this morning?
- Oh, our guest this
morning is Rodney Goulet.
- Oh, wonderful.
Play something for us, Roger.
- No, no, you don't understand.
It's Bob, and I'm a singer.
- Oh, of course.
What are you going
to sing for us today?
- Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm tired.
- [Lance] Oh, fine.
- Huh?
- Go ahead, play your pardon.
(Robert and audience laugh)
- I've been singing
night and day, and I'm...
- Fine, here's Robert
Goulet to sing Night and Day
by Irving Berlin.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, no, that's,
it's Cole Porter.
- Of course.
Here's Cole Porter
to sing Night and Day
by Robert Goulet.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, you're a lot of fun,
aren't you, in the morning?
- Thank you.
- No, I am not going
to sing Night and Day.
- Oh, we never had this trouble
with your lovely
wife, Carol Channing.
- My wife's name is Lawrence.
- Oh, hush your mouth.
No shame, it's a family show.
- No, no, no, you
don't understand.
You've got it all wrong.
My wife...
- What do you mean?
How do you like that?
He's a weirdo who can't sing,
with a wife named Lawrence,
and I'm wrong.
(audience laughs)
- There you have it,
ladies and gentlemen,
the seamy underside
of former showbiz great,
and you saw it
right here, with Tina.
- Lance and Tina.
(audience laughs)
- Please, let me try to explain.
- Don't touch me.
Go home to Lawrence.
(audience laughs)
Really, here.
(dishes clatter)
- Don't hurt me.
- Take the glassware with you.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Here's a lift
from Heavy Helen.
Can you dig it?
- Hey, it's Heavy Helen
with the far out, freaky nose.
You know, man, I was in college,
and a bunch of us cats
didn't dig what was happening.
I mean, like, we
didn't dig the books
that they was laying
on us in the library.
So we had a read-in.
And we didn't dig not
having coed dormitories.
So, like, we had a sleep-in.
We was heading for
the sex education class
when they called
out the militia.
(audience laughs)
The man was always on us.
Like, we was having
one of them luaus,
and they all got real uptight,
'cause everybody was just
sitting around,
smoking their skirt.
(audience laughs)
Da da kia Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In look at the news
(sneezes violently)
(punch smacks)
(audience applauds)
- Lisa here, your
undercover whoopee.
The FBI sent me to guard
the Vice President last week,
and I finally found
out what the T
in Spiro T. Agnew stands for.
Terrific.
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm late for dinner.
- Oh, I'll be you've
been out fooling around
with that blond
assistant of yours.
From now on, I
want to be in your act.
- That's impossible.
Now where is my dinner?
- I didn't make any.
And I'm not going to make
any until you put me in your act!
- Very well, my darling.
I'll make dinner for myself.
(fingers snap)
- Oh, all right!
All right, if that's the
way you gonna be!
Either you put me in your act
or I'm going to shoot you.
- Go ahead and shoot.
- Oh! (squeals)
(audience laughs)
Oh, oh Mervin, please.
Please, please, please,
couldn't you please
fit me in your act?
(Robert chuckles)
- All right, all right!
You're in the act.
(fingers snap, bell dings)
Now will you shut up
and eat your carrots?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Hey, Aaron, is
your wife still alive?
- Well, of course not.
You've met her.
(audience laughs)
- Today's literary tips for you,
you'll find some good
book buys this month
with these specials.
Staying in Shape With Diet
and Exercise by Orson Welles.
(audience laughs)
Why I'm for No-Fault
Insurance by Crash Cranston
and his Daytona Daredevils.
(audience laughs)
And Doing Your
Ceilings in Acoustical Tile
by the curator of
the Sistine Chapel.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I wish
you'd told me that
before we put you in there.
(swords clatter)
(man boings as he jumps)
(man boings as he jumps)
(swords clatter)
- Bob, the whole world
knows that your beautiful wife
Carol Lawrence is a big
star in the business, too.
- Hey, does having two
stars in the same house
pose any problems?
- Yes, it does sometimes,
because we're always
constantly fighting to see
who gets to use
the eye shadow first.
(audience laughs)
- I see you won tonight.
(audience laughs)
- I really don't think
this was necessary.
I promised your father
I wouldn't try anything.
(audience laughs)
- You still think
that was my father?
(laughs)
- It wasn't?
- No!
It was my mother. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Lisa here, undercover whoopee.
Last week, the mob sent
their tough trigger man,
Tots Molinaro, to get me.
But it didn't work.
Not only couldn't Tots
get himself to shoot me,
but he said he just
couldn't remember
when the kiss of
death was so much fun.
(audience laughs)
Then I gave him a
whoopee he couldn't refuse.
Whoopee!
(audience laughs)
- All right, this is a stick-up.
Put up your hands,
don't make a sound,
and give me that key.
- [Robert] 'Kay,
this is a stick-up.
Put your hands up, don't
make a sound and gimme.
- I haven't got the key.
- [Robert] I'll give you
exactly 10 seconds.
- No, wait a minute,
he hasn't got the key.
- [Robert] You keep out of this!
Who's he?
- He came in and held me up.
He's got the key.
- [Robert] Gimme the key.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Well, he's got a
gun in his pocket.
That proves he's a hold-up man.
- [Robert] All right,
let go, gimme the gun.
Gimme the gun!
- Ha!
- [Robert] Oh, there's
just no more honesty
left in the world.
- You gimme that
gun or he gets it.
- [Robert] You gimme
that gun or he gets it!
- Doesn't seem to me
too much in this for me.
I'll see... (hold-up men argue)
(audience laughs)
All right.
Help, police!
Ha, ha, I got you.
- All right, stay where you are!
I'm not fooling.
It's a snub nose 31.
Come on.
(audience laughs)
Just in time, he?
- Boy, I'm glad that
cop came along.
- [Robert] Yes, sure
restores your faith
in law and order.
How much percentage do
you want out of this deal?
- Well, let's see,
there's to our agent,
he gets 10%.
- [Robert] And my
manager gets 25.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, hello.
- Good morning.
Can I help you?
- Yes, I think my
headlights are too small.
- So do I.
Why don't you try this?
(audience laughs)
I think she bought it, folks.
(audience laughs)
- This place ain't big
enough for both of us.
- Well, then there's
only one thing we can do.
- Yeah, what's that?
- Well, we could add a
wing on to the saloon.
(audience laughs)
- That's a good idea.
We could put the
tables over there.
- Couch would go
nice there, wouldn't it?
(audience laughs)
(blonde gasps)
(brunette gasps)
- [Both Women] Good
heavens, it's my husband!
(audience laughs)
- [Both Men] Good
heavens, this is my wife.
(audience laughs)
- Is she soup yet?
(audience laughs)
(woman gurgles)
- Look, look.
Leonard? (man grunts)
Do you have a match?
(audience laughs)
- Sure.
You got it.
You need a match,
you get a match.
(audience laughs)
So I couldn't do it, huh?
(audience laughs)
(woman laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You know something, Leonard?
I'm really glad I
switched brands.
This is the mildest
cigarette I've ever had.
(both laugh, audience laughs)
(swords clatter) (silly music)
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to thank
our guest this week,
Mr. Robert Goulet.
(audience applauds)
- Hey, hey,
beautiful, beautiful.
Bob, here is a copy of
tonight's Laugh-in script.
- Yes, we've had it specially
bound in genuine leather,
engraved in gold, your name
right down there in the corner.
Isn't that nice?
- That sure is.
Thank you very
much, that's beautiful.
- See, these are made up
by my cousin in Glendale,
and we'd like to
present to you his card,
where you can have one
of these made for yourself.
(audience laughs)
- Good deal.
- I don't really
know what to say.
- Well, not only that, but
for being such a great guest,
we're also going to
give you right now
an opportunity to
see what's on the air
with this show next
week. (Dick gasps)
if you look up there, you'll
see next week's show.
- [Dick] What a thrill.
- [Announcer] Our guest is the
one and only Sammy Davis, Jr.
(audience applauds)
And our cameos are
Will Maston's nephew,
Sammy Davis,
and the son of Sammy Davis, Sr.
(audience applauds)
- Hey, Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Who lives in the
ocean and is white
and has huge webbed feet?
- I don't know, who?
- Moby Duck.
(all cheer and applaud)
- Hey, Dan!
- Yes, Bob?
- Who tells dull stories
about fire prevention?
- I don't know, who does that?
- Smokey the Bore.
(all cheer)
- Richard?
- Yeah?
- Who sells shoes
to French dancers?
- I don't know, who?
- Tom McCanCan.
(all cheer)
(Donna giggles)
- There you go, Donna.
- Hey.
I just heard Dean Martin
just made a new album,
Dick, of drinking songs.
- [Dick] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, Dickie.
You know, you
play it at 33 and 1/5.
(all cheer)
- Guess what, a guy
drove up to my house today
and left a lot of junk,
and then just drove away.
- Oh, who'd do
a thing like that?
- The mailman.
(all cheer)
- Honey!
- What?
- Who lives in Russia,
works on the river,
and burps in the
presence of ladies?
- [Ruth] I don't know, who?
- The vulgar boatman.
(all cheer)
- What do potato chips
get when they're cold?
- I don't know, Bob, what?
- Granny goose bumps.
(all cheer)
- What do you get
when you cross...
- [Ruth] Who are you talking to?
- Anybody who will answer me.
What do you get
when you cross a parrot
with Vincent Van Gogh, Ruthie?
- [Ruth] I don't know.
- A bird what'll
talk your ear off.
(all cheer)
- Oh, it's me.
Did you hear about
this singing group.
- [Dick] I did.
- Well, I'm gonna tell you.
Were sent to prison
for first degree murder.
- [Dick] Why?
- Well, they were
put to death on
row, row, row your boat.
(all groan)
(audience applauds)
- They were put on death
- [Dan And Dick] Row,
row, row your boat.
- They were not put to death.
- I heard they were
put on death row.
- Well, it's time
to say good night.
Good night.
- Good night.
- That's a good question.
(all laugh)
Now let me ask you one.
Why does the white line run
down the middle of the road?
- I don't know, why?
- To get to the other end.
(all cheer and laugh)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, everyone.
(audience applauds and cheers)
Row, row, row your
boat gently down
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Whoopee!
- Good night, Dick.
(bell dings)
Good night, Ruth.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [All] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Yeah!
- Down your hatch.
(audience laughs)
We better go, it's raining.
(audience laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick!
- Good night, me.
(upbeat big band music)
(audience laughs)
(swing squeaks)
(woman laughs slowly)
12 o'clock and all's well!
- [Announcer] Hey, wait
a minute, it's eight o'clock,
and it's time for Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-in.
- Eight o'clock and
we've got big trouble.
(drum roll)
- You know, I'm really
getting sick and tired
of people making fun of the fact
that on one, one
particular occasion,
while singing before
the List and Clay fight,
I happened to forget
part of the words
to the Star Spangled, (stutters)
ay. (audience laughs)
- Yeah.
- 'Fraid it's over for him.
- Yeah, I don't understand it.
He spent hours every
day doing his exercise.
- Well, I could tell that.
I mean, he looks marvelous.
- Yeah, don't he?
(audience laughs)
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Listen, every time I start
my car, it sounds like this.
It goes (vocalizes buzzing).
- Well, if I were you,
I'd get two more motors
and get into show business.
(audience laughs)
I was in it once.
I left it when we
started these runners.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa here again.
And this week, Laugh-in
had me working for the FBI
as an undercover whoopee.
After three days
of intensive training,
they gave me a special
security clearance.
Topless secret.
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- All right.
When I say, "Jump,"
I want you to...
(whistling, thump)
Now, just let me finish.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Harry, we've been
friends a long time, haven't we?
- Oh, that's right, a long time.
- Well, you wouldn't mind
if I asked you a favor?
- Oh no, of course not.
What is it?
- Would you mind
rocking with me?
I'm getting seasick.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, Madge, my
hands look awful.
They're all red
from doing dishes.
- Oh, well, just soak 'em
in this stuff for a while,
and that'll take away the red.
- What is this stuff?
- Oh, it's blue paint.
It never fails to
get rid of red hands.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess tonight
we're gonna show the world
that you ain't got a
glass jaw, huh, kid?
(glass shattering and tinkling)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wanted to say,
this is a heck of an idea.
I'm sure glad we brought
the boss home for dinner.
- Hey, so am I.
- Well, I'm not.
- Who are you?
- I'm the boss.
Who cut your hair, Dumbo?
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen, welcome
to Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in.
(audience applauds)
- Oh!
- That's fine.
Listen, girls, I want
you to stand back.
Guards, try to
control this audience.
I tell you, Mr. Handsome
is here tonight.
- All right, Dan,
you can let 'em go.
I'll take my chances.
- I know you will.
I'm talking about
everybody's matinee idol,
the best-looking man in showbiz.
- Well, thank you.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Robert Goulet.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- How are you, Dick, hey, Dan.
- This is the handsomest
man in show business?
You gotta be kidding!
Why, no girl in her
right mind'd fall for a guy
who looks like that!
(girls scream and squeal)
(audience laughs)
- [Girl] Oh, let me
at 'em, let me at 'em!
(audience applauds)
- Give me a nose,
glasses and mustache!
(kazoo whistles)
- [Announcer] It's Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-in,
starring Dan Rowan
(audience applauds)
and Dick Martin,
with guest start Robert Goulet,
cameo appearances
by Charles Fleischer,
plus Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Patty
Bates, Sarah Kennedy,
Donna Jean Young,
Lisa Farringer,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word about financing.
If you want to borrow
for any honest purpose,
go right ahead.
If you wanna borrow
for any shady purpose,
then let me in on it.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
(silly music, kazoo)
And now, here is Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds,
whistles, and cheers)
- Good evening,
thank you very much.
I know I'm gonna be
sorry that I've asked,
but what's the
matter with your foot?
- Well, I broke my foot.
- You broke it?
- Yes.
- Gee, that's a shame.
Does it still hurt?
- Uh, wait a minute,
I'll let you know.
(crashing)
(yells) (audience laughs)
Oh, please don't ask that again.
(audience laughs)
- Did you have an accident?
- No, I didn't do
this on purpose.
- Well, I know that,
but what happened?
- Well, take a guess.
- Did you get hit by a car?
- No.
- Fall up a flight of stairs?
- No.
- Fall down a flight of stairs?
(audience laughs)
- No.
- Neither one?
- No, neither one.
- Aren't you gonna
tell me what happened?
- I was gonna give
you one more guess,
but I'll tell you anyway.
I broke it skiing.
- Skiing?
What did you hit?
- A stove in a
Chinese restaurant.
(audience laughs)
- A stove in a?
What were you doing in a
Chinese restaurant on skis?
- Oh, about 65 miles an hour.
(audience laughs)
- I don't mean that.
How did you get
from the ski slopes
into a Chinese restaurant?
- Well, I went
through the back door
and made a left at the kitchen.
Where else would
they keep the stove?
(audience laughs)
- That's pretty dumb.
- Dumb, I think it's dumb.
Who with a guy building a,
at the bottom of a ski slope.
- I don't blame
you for being mad.
- I'm mad, I'm angry.
(audience laughs)
Imagine a guy
building a restaurant
six blocks at the
bottom of a ski slope!
- Six blocks from the bottom?
- Six blocks!
- Well, how could you ski
through the whole middle of a town
without stopping?
- Well, I had
made all the lights.
- Made all the lights.
(audience laughs)
- I didn't stop for
coffee. (laughs)
Jean Bailiss.
- I'm glad you got a
good sense of humor
about a thing like that.
It's a terrible place to ski.
Have you ever tried Aspen?
- Well, I've tried Aspen,
Alka-Seltzer, everything.
Nothing, still hurts.
- Oh, you don't even
know what Aspen is?
- Yeah, it's a ski maneuver.
- It is not.
Aspen is a ski resort, like
Squaw Valley or Jackson Hole,
where you can look
at the Grant Tetons.
- Hm?
(audience laughs)
- I guess you won't be
skiing for a while, will you?
- Well, that's right,
it's too cold anyway.
- Too cold?
Didn't you wear your
thermal underwear?
- Yeah, but the hot
coffee kept leaking
all over my leg.
(audience laughs)
- I really just can't
picture you on skis.
- Are you kidding?
Why, you know that big Olympic
ski jump at Squaw Valley?
- Sure, it's where they
had the Winter Olympics.
I watched 'em up there.
That's a big jump.
That thing is perpendicular.
- Oh, it's straight up and down.
- Yeah, almost.
You've been up the
Squaw Valley ski jump?
- Sure.
- Where did you ever get
enough nerve to do that?
- Phil's Liquor Store, mostly.
(audience laughs)
- You don't mean you were drunk?
- I wouldn't go off sober.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it must take
a lot of courage, boy.
- You know, I can still see it.
There I am at the
top of the jump.
I crouch down, and I go,
and then I know,
before I know it,
I start down that hill.
- It's exciting.
- Isn't it exciting?
I can hardly retain myself.
- I've always wanted to
ask a guy who's done that.
- Yes, I'm going!
Down the slope!
- Boy, you're really going fast?
- I'm, all of a sudden.
- Have you ever, can you
simmer down a minute?
- Yes.
- Let me ask you.
Once you start
down a thing like that,
and you're launched
into the air...
- Into the air!
- Have you ever wished
you hadn't done it?
Have you ever wanted
to change your mind?
- Yeah, but as far as I know,
no man has ever been able
to turn back once he's there.
(audience laughs)
Oh no, once I
jump, I'm committed.
- And that's what
you ought to be.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- This is not the
surfer but the slope.
See what I have
here, a $100 watch.
- It's beautiful.
- You can win it for a
mere one buck investment.
- What do I have to do?
- All you have to
do, sir, is roll the dice,
make a seven within 10 rolls,
and the watch will
be no longer mine.
Do you have a dollar, sir?
- I have an idea
you're going to lose.
- Oh, I know a good
bet when I see one.
Let me shoot.
- Oh, the dollar first.
- Oh, the dollar.
There you go.
- Thank you.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
(die tinkles)
Wait a minute, there's
only one dice there.
I'll never make a seven.
- Did I tell you it was
going to be easy?
(audience laughs)
(couch rattles)
- Who are you and
where are you going?
- I'm a psychiatrist, and
I'm making a house call.
(couch rattles)
(audience laughs)
- Donna Jean?
- Yeah?
- What are you doing?
- I'm wearing new stockings,
and someone told
me I got a run in them.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, but
have either of you seen
my ancient Chinese gopher?
- No, but I saw an
old Oriental pull-down.
- What is an old
Oriental pull-down?
(both talk over each other)
(audience laughs and applauds)
- My condolences, Jo Anne.
I know it's pretty hard
to lose your husband.
- Pretty hard?
It was almost impossible.
(audience laughs)
(sighs)
- Lisa again.
As part of my job as
an undercover whoopee,
I was sent to the Pentagon
to check on their security.
I didn't learn much about
the Defense Department.
But I can tell you some
things about Melvin Laird
that would curl your hair.
Oh, Melvin!
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- When Tom Jones
sings, women actually
throw their underwear
up on the stage.
They do the same
thing when I sing,
but with me, they want
'em back in two days,
fluff dried and no starch.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I see in
your future a tall,
oh, would you mind sitting down?
I don't like anybody
reading over my shoulder.
(audience laughs)
(gasps) Oh, oh I see,
oh, you gotta see this.
(audience laughs)
Isn't it terrific?
- Good night, my love.
Sir Lancelot of the Round Table.
- Lancelot!
What are you
doing in my boudoir?
- I cannot fight it any
longer, Guinevere.
I must have you.
- But what about my
husband, the king?
- Let me get his own broads.
(audience laughs)
- Lancelot!
I am queen!
- I know.
(audience laughs)
You'd be queen if you were king.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sir Lancelot, Knight
of the Round Table,
must take you away.
- Oh, away, away, certainly,
to some gay bar, I know you.
(audience laughs)
I couldn't give this
all up for one night.
- How about a weekend?
- Now you're
talking my language.
But would you ever leave me?
- No.
No, never would I leave you.
But would you leave me?
- No, never would I leave you.
- Look at me.
(bell dings)
Oh, sorry.
(audience laughs)
Toot, toot, tootsie, goodbye
Toot, toot, tootsie, don't cry
(audience applauds)
- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
- No, can you help me?
- That's what I thought.
- That's right.
Listen, when my horn honks,
it goes beep beep, beep, beep.
- What do you expect it to
go, the bells of St. Mary's?
(audience laughs)
Just a little humor.
- Very little.
(audience laughs)
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
- You didn't mind my inviting
my uncle for dinner tonight,
did you?
- Not at all, I thought
he was delicious.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
I'd like to make you
aware of a little problem
that we have had up here.
It seems that we ran
out of gas a while back,
and we've been coasting
the last few miles.
However, we're coming
in for a landing now.
(chuckles) I hope you'll
be able to tell your friends
about this
record-breaking flight.
- What do you mean,
record-breaking flight?
- Well, to my knowledge,
this is the first time
a 747 has ever landed
in Times Square.
(audience laughs)
- I know one guy who was
put into prison for bigamy.
The poor devil died of
exhaustion from the conjugal visits.
His wives talked him to death.
(audience laughs)
(traffic roars, horns honk)
(conga music)
(audience laughs)
You know, (laughs) I
don't mind admitting
that I think I'm a nice
guy, what the heck.
But it is definitely not true
that when I got married,
I only only took myself
on the honeymoon.
(audience laughs)
- Time once again for
our discovery of the week.
- May I assume, then,
that you have a goody?
- You may make
that assumption, sir.
- Thank you.
- His name is Charles Fleisher,
and he's from our
nation's capital.
- Oh, all the way
from Cleveland, huh?
(audience laughs)
- No, Washington.
- Our discovery of the
week is George Washington?
Where did you dig him up?
- No, no, no,
Mr. Charles Fleischer.
He repeated.
He's a rather unusual
musician who plays the pipes.
- The bagpipes?
- Not exactly.
You're gonna find out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Charles Fleischer.
(audience applauds and cheers)
I'll leave him with you.
- Well, thank you.
(Charles mutters to himself)
- [Charles] First of all,
make the beginning.
- Ah, that's a good thing there.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I haven't seen
one of those in years.
(audience laughs)
- This is a...
- Come right over here.
- Would you hold
that there, sir?
- Yes, I'd be more
than happy to.
(audience laughs)
- You're probably
wondering what that is, right?
- I have a few ideas, but.
- Okay, this is a teutonaphone.
- A teutonaphone?
- The world's only teutonaphone.
It's made out of 22
pieces of lead pipe.
It's in the key of B flat.
- [Dick] B flat, oh, I
would have known that.
(toots squeaky melody on horn)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's beautiful!
(doorbell rings)
- [Man] Yeah?
- From Tracy's Department Store.
Where do you want these?
- What is this?
- It's a, remember
that credit card
you reported stolen?
- Yeah, what about
the credit card?
What about it?
- Your wife found it.
(audience laughs)
- You gotta be in
the wrong sketch.
I'm not even married.
(audience laughs)
Thank you. (door bangs)
(deliveryman thumps)
- This is gonna be very big.
This is called the twirlaphone.
- Ah, a twirlaphone.
- Twirlaphone, this.
- It's a good thing you
didn't ask me what that was.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I was going
to play a song.
- I'd love to hear.
- I was going to play a
longer song, but they told me
'cause of time, I can't.
So I'm going to
play the overture
from the Twirlaphone
Symphony, which is good, yes.
- Did you write this?
- Yes, I did.
- Oh, I'd love to hear it.
I'm on tenterhooks.
(audience laughs)
(plays squeaky, warbly melody)
(audience laughs)
That's beautiful!
(audience applauds)
- Oh hi, Hon.
We just wanted to
go visiting tonight.
We hope we're not imposing.
- Oh, no, no, of course not.
(audience laughs)
- If you have 75 cents.
- Yes.
- I'm sure you do.
- 75 cents?
- Buy yourselves a shower hose.
- A shower hose.
- You can play incredible songs
like the Shower Hose Boogie.
It's in two parts, I'm
gonna play the first part.
(foot taps quickly)
(plays fast-paced,
warbly melody)
- I like, oh, I like that part.
(audience laughs)
That's beautiful!
(audience applauds)
- Bob, do you like to
sing in the shower?
- I do, but it always
ruins my tuxedo.
- Oh, not to mention
your mascara.
- My mascara?
- I told you not to mention it.
(audience laughs)
- I'm going to play the
world's only one-man duet,
on the alto and tenor
shower hose, Acapulco.
- Acapulco, right, Acapulco.
- Would you hold that?
- All right.
- I was figuring
to whirl that thing
around my head, but.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks.
- Okay.
(toots low note)
Just fine, thank you.
(toots high note)
(audience laughs)
- I'm gonna play a
song that's really terrific.
There's No Business
Like Show Business.
- Oh, I love that one.
- 'Cause you know it.
This is it, this is.
- Does this cost us $100, Paul?
(audience laughs)
(toots out squeaky,
warbly melody)
Folks, you're hearing
it here and here.
That's marvelous.
(audience applauds)
Charles Fleischer.
- Lisa here, your
undercover whoopee.
Don't mention this to anyone,
but when I heard I was going
to work for Henry Kissinger,
I tried to get assigned
to the Oval Room.
That's the one place
where Henry can't corner me.
(audience laughs)
I know that joke is a bit old.
But then again, so is Henry.
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- Uh, there's another one.
- Yeah, if it wasn't
for them earthquakes,
we wouldn't have no fun at all.
(audience laughs)
- Help, help!
- Halt, what's the password?
- Well, if "help" doesn't
do it, I'm in trouble.
- Back out.
(audience laughs)
- Friend!
How could you do this to me?
(silly music)
- I'm sorry, Harry, but
it's over between us.
(audience laughs)
- I think Father Flannian
got a little carried
away last Sunday.
- What makes you say that?
- He preached such
fire and brimstone
that halfway through the sermon,
the automatic sprinkler
system went on.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the missionaries
have had quite an effect
on our becoming more civilized.
- But you're still
eating people.
- Sure, but first we say grace.
(audience laughs)
- Hello.
- Right.
- Listen, my rear end seems
to be dragging. (chuckles)
- Well, don't come to me.
Why don't you try Lack LaLanne?
Be a real dragon for a while.
(audience laughs)
Lovely looker and
the girls are here,
so let's call 'em in,
even though I'm
prettier than all of them.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
this is Beautiful Burt Barts.
I'm here tonight to select
the new Miss Galaxy.
Keep those bright
lights off my teeth.
I don't wanna blind anybody.
(audience laughs)
Let's bring on the girls for
the question and answer period
to decide who
the winner will be.
(laughs) Come on in, girls.
There they are.
- [Girls] Hello, Mr. Barts.
- Of course.
Now, number one, tell me
what your favorite things are.
- I told you that last
night in the motel.
(laughs)
- Well, you, great little
kidder, number one.
(sighs) Number
two, what, (laughs)
what memories do
you cherish in life?
- Oh, well, my sweet
16 birthday party,
and the day that I
graduated from high school,
and last weekend at your
apartment, when you...
- Oh, yes, of course,
my goodness.
How about that, folks?
I mean, are not these
girls full of jokes?
(laughs) chock full.
And number three.
My, hello there.
What makes you think
that you deserve the
title of Miss Galaxy?
- Well, I have a
good personality,
a burning desire to win,
and some terrific candid shots
of you and those
other two broads.
(audience laughs)
Lovely to look at
and lovely to see
(audience applauds)
Would you like to come to
my place and swim in the nude?
- Oh, but I don't
know how to swim.
- That's okay, I
don't have a pool.
(audience laughs)
(lively, silly music)
- Lisa here, undercover whoopee.
I just finished with a
security assignment
at the White House.
I think the President
liked my work.
When I left, Mr. Nixon was
sitting in the Lincoln Room,
singing Hail to the Whoopee.
Whoopee.
(audience laughs)
- Well, gang, tonight,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in's
gonna take a look
at people on the job.
Now, there are a lot of ways
for anybody to make a living.
And sometimes, the work
that people get involved in
is really kinda surprising.
For instance, uh,
speaking of a surprising
way to make a living.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I have come to
say goodbye, my friend.
- Well, I'm happy you did that.
Good luck, my friend.
(laughs) Come on, what
are you talking about, Dick?
- You called me Dick. (chuckles)
- What then?
- Even after reassuming
my true Martian identity,
you still call me Dick.
- What are you talking about?
- I've been recalled back home.
Dick Martin no longer exists.
He is an empty shell, a nothing.
- I can't argue with that.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Thank you also for those
wonderful 22 years we shared.
- Are you serious?
- No, my real Martian
name is Whoop Whoop.
(audience laughs)
- Whoop Whoop?
- Hey, you speak Martian, too!
(audience laughs)
Hey, look, we're old friends.
You can call me
by my first Whoop.
- Your first Whoop.
(audience laughs)
I'd like to hope I'm
dreaming all this.
- I am the only offspring
of Plink and Shnern.
(audience laughs)
- Plink and Shnern.
- Plink and Shnern.
- Plink and Shnern.
Didn't we work with
them in Cleveland?
- No, no, no. (audience laughs)
Nevertheless, Plink and Shnern
were my father and my father.
(audience chuckles)
- You mean, wait a, you
can't have two men as parents.
I don't believe it.
- Well, that's exactly
what Plink said to Shnern
when I was delivered.
(audience laughs)
- You mean there are
no women on Mars?
- That is correct.
- That is correct.
- We do not have women.
- Well, what do you have?
- Twinkies.
(audience laughs)
- Twinkies?!
Twinkies take the
place of women?
- I don't think so, that's
why I came down here.
(audience laughs)
Well, I must be off.
- Oh boy. (laughs)
No argument about that, either.
- Nevertheless.
- Old Whoop Whoop is off.
- Old Whoop Whoop
heads back to Bakersfield.
- Bakersfield?
- Where my flying
saucer is hidden
in a female artichoke field.
- Wait a minute.
How can you tell
a female artichoke
from a male artichoke?
- How do I know?
I'm not an expert on artichokes.
(audience laughs)
I don't even like Twinkies.
(audience laughs)
Well, goodbye.
I must concentrate
and beam myself north.
North?
North.
- Bon voyage, Whoop.
- Thanks.
(hums)
Have I disappeared?
(audience laughs)
- Unfortunately,
you're still here, Whoop.
Why don't you
concentrate a little harder?
- Okay.
(hums)
(bell dings)
Well, here I am in Bakersfield.
(audience laughs)
There's a female artichoke now!
Wanna trade for a Twinkie?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(romantic piano music)
My job's new and still unknown
I am into silicone
(audience laughs)
Need a lift, just grab the phone
I'll make your
figure a little bigger
(audience laughs)
This is such amazing stuff
No one ever gets enough
I treat them all
with care and trust
But is the business going bust
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Before I hire you for the job,
I just want to make
sure that you don't mind
taking orders from a woman.
- Oh no, ma'am, please.
Your wish is my
command, my pleasure.
- [Woman] Good, good.
- Definitely the way
I was brought up.
- Here, take out the garbage.
- The garbage!
(audience laughs)
(Dan mumbles)
- Head of the union just told me
they're gonna
shut down the plant
unless we meet their demands.
- You seem to be
pretty shook up about it.
- I am.
- What are their demands?
- They wanna
shut down the plant.
(audience laughs)
- I just don't know
what's the matter with it.
See, it just doesn't work.
- Well, let me take
a look at it, lady.
- Okay.
(glass crashes and tinkles)
(audience laughs)
- [Man] I think it's
your picture tube.
(audience laughs)
My job's really awfully grand
I'm a mouse at Disneyland
But you have to understand
Although I'm skinny,
I'm quite a Minnie
(gags)
(audience laughs)
My boss said the other night
"In a year, you'll
be Snow White"
I can hardly wait for that
But til then, I'm just a rat
- That's right.
(audience applauds)
- Oh, pardon me, do you
have any high heel shoes
and long net stockings?
- 'Course I do.
But I make it a point
never to wear 'em at work.
(audience laughs)
(vocalizes explosion)
- Excuse me.
Careful not to tell the kids
My job's making coffin lids
Work is never on the
skids Don't be foolish
It's not ghoulish - Ghoulish?
There's a rule we lid kids know
Everybody's got to go
So when you send off uncle Sid
I'm the guy what makes the lid.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Where did you get that?
- Found it in the street
a little ways back there.
- What, are you crazy?
- Hm?
- Picking up a cigarette
out of the street.
You don't know who's
smoked that before you did.
Could've been some
person with a terrible disease.
- You're right, I
never thought of that.
Ugh!
(audience laughs)
Hey!
What are you doing?
- I'm enjoying this cigar.
- What about what you told me?
You know, about not smoking it
because who smoked it before?
- Well, that's true.
You didn't know who
smoked it before you.
But I know who
smoked it before me.
(audience laughs) You did.
Nothing wrong
with you, is there?
- No, nothing a little
Penicillin wouldn't clear up.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
I am one of shev-lin-shulsh
Who's in charge of bagel holes
Some girls work
on breakfast rolls
My job's totally
to keep 'em holy
(audience laughs)
I perform this skill and care
Working on that bagel there
If I don't stick to my guns
Bagels will be hot cross buns
(audience laughs)
Pardon the expression.
(audience applauds)
- Officer Nicholson, those
people across the street
have been having
uh, orgies every night,
and it's made my
husband a nervous wreck.
- Well, what do
you want me to do?
- Well, will you go over there
and bring my husband home?
(audience laughs)
- Boss, the quality
inspector says
our factory
smokestacks are faulty
and are causing air pollution.
- Hm.
How much will it cost to fix?
- Well, either 5,000 or 20,000.
- What do you mean?
- Well, for 20,000, they
can fix the smokestacks,
or for 5,000 we
can fix the inspector.
(audience laughs)
- 60, next.
(audience laughs)
My job takes a special brain
I play piano on a plane
When it's bumpy, it's insane
When I play my
ditties Above the cities
(audience laughs)
Though the pay is not too big
It is still a groovy gig
It's the only way to fly
'Cause when I
fly, I'm always High
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Sir?
- Yes, what is it?
- I think that we're in trouble.
The sales are really
dropping off on Dazzle Soap.
- Well, in that case
we better add that new
revolutionary
ingredient, Z149-plus.
- I know, sir, but
won't it cost a fortune
to add Z149-plus to our soap?
- Well, of course it would
if we added it to
the soap, dummy.
Add it to the label.
(audience laughs)
- We have got a problem.
- What?
- Our new cars
just aren't moving.
- You mean they aren't selling?
- No, they're selling,
they're just not moving.
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] The
biggest occupational hazard
among factory workers
today is boredom.
- What's the matter with him?
- Well, he's an assembly
line worker, doctor.
I think it's another
case of boredom.
- Oh, you're
right, you're right,
this man is critically bored.
I'll get the joke book.
(both talk over each other)
A fat man's belt is like
boarding house food.
There's never
enough to go around.
- (laughs) Show him the cartoon.
- Cartoon.
Cartoon.
- Look. (laughs)
- He's not responding.
We need emergency treatment.
- Emergency.
- There we go.
You take this.
(both giggle and whoop)
(hammer clanks)
(hammer clanks)
- He's sinking fast.
I think he'll need
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Nurse!
- [Dan] Glad you
called the nurse.
(audience laughs)
- She gone yet?
(audience laughs)
(whoops)
- Oh, I'm not bored any more!
- Oh, yes!
- As soon as she left,
wow, I'm getting out of here.
Whoo!
- I told you you'd be all right.
Another miracle cure.
Your 10th today, doctor.
What's the matter, doc?
- I don't know, I don't
know, it's this job.
The cases are all alike.
I'm bored, I'm bored.
(hammer clanks)
(audience laughs)
Please, nurse.
(audience laughs)
Boy, just in time.
Lunch.
(audience laughs and applauds)
You think she kissed me?
She never came near me.
(audience applauds)
She was that far
away from my mouth.
- And we are gathered here today
to honor the retiring president
and founder of our firm,
the Benson Pretzel Company.
(audience laughs)
- How do you do?
- What can I do for you?
- Well, I'd like to
borrow $50,000.
- $50,000?
- Yes.
See, a group of us
women liberationists
have gotten together,
and we've decided
that we are sick and tired of
depending upon our husbands
for our financial support.
And we don't need our
husbands to help us.
- All right, what do you
propose to put up for collateral?
- Uh, well, my husband
gave me a very expensive car,
not to mention a
beautiful mink coat.
- Beautiful mink coat?
- I told you not to mention it.
(audience laughs)
- Next.
- All right, you're charged
with being drunk in public.
You wanna enter a
plea before the court?
- Yes, I would, that's not true.
I'm as sober as the judge.
- Case dismissed.
(audience laughs)
(Robert laughs)
- No, no.
- Talk.
Crazy, I suppose (hammer bangs)
Good so far, huh?
(Robert laughs)
I'm in ladies' pantyhose.
(hammer bangs)
See (mumbles)?
- Fascinating.
Please don't say
I'm one of those
(hammer bangs)
Well, you didn't, that's good.
(audience laughs)
Just tell 'em I sell 'em
You paying attention?
- Yes.
Sometimes it's too much to bear
Bear (hammer bangs)
Selling ladies' underwear
It's... (hammer scrapes)
Thank you.
Job I really hate
(audience laughs)
But my legs are simply great
(audience laughs and applauds)
(lively music)
We're very active
when we're dancing
Dancing We're very
seldom cheek to cheek.
Dance cheek to cheek
We're always happy
when we're dancing
Yeah Because we're dancing Greek
Kindly tell us what's the
news, what's the news
What's the news cross the nation
Much we have got,
we have got information
Way in a way in a
way that's amusing
Not, no it's not, no
it's not too confusing
(Greek music)
We just love to
give you our views
(handkerchief whips)
Bad idea
Ladies and gents,
Grecians look at my news
Here is the news
with Dan and Dick
Yeah (audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-in news
with Porky Pig and the Pope,
Humpty Dumpty going for broke,
Milton Burrough stealing a joke,
and Johann Bach feeling baroque.
And now with the news,
here's Dan and Dick.
- With news of the
present, here is Dick.
- Dateline, La Cal.
- That's Los Angeles.
L-A is Los Angeles.
- What's Cal, then?
(audience laughs)
- Just read the item.
- What would you say in Utah?
Yute?
- You would.
(audience laughs)
- Dateline, La Cal.
- La Cal.
- In an unprecedented
move today,
Detroit Motors merged
with Mattel Toy Corporation.
Their first product will be
a new auto safety device,
and from now on, all new
cars will come equipped
with rubber buggy,
rubber buggy baby bumpers.
- Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
- Rubber baby
buggy bug-(stutters).
- Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
- Buggy baby baby...
- How would you say "linoleum"?
- Loleum.
- Very good.
(audience laughs)
- It is rumored American
Airlines is discontinuing
its in-flight entertainment
policy using magicians.
- Would you just put
in-flight entertainment?
- I got that clause
from Donna Jean.
It was left over.
(audience laughs)
After imports in an instance.
(Dan, Dick and audience laugh)
(stutters) Mystical,
that is Mystical,
Mystical the Great
levitated a lady passenger,
and after getting
in her ear (all laugh)
- Getting her in the air.
- That's even better that way!
After getting her in the air,
he forgot the magic words,
forcing the poor
worm-an (laughs)
(audience laughs)
woman, W-R-O-M-A-M,
forcing the poor woman
to circle the piano bar
for nearly two hours.
- [Dan] Oh, dear.
- And now here's Dick
with news of the present.
- No, you just
did that fairly well.
- I know, I heard me.
Why don't you do
the future news?
- I may as well.
News of the future 20 years
from now, dateline, Los Angeles.
After permitting the
biblical theory of creation
to be taught in California
elementary schools,
all other religions were given
equal space in the textbooks.
At the present time,
sixth graders must decide
if the Earth was created
by evolution, God,
or a chicken named Harry.
(audience laughs)
News of the future
20 years from now.
With rising prices
becoming critical,
the nation's scientists
are working desperately
to discover a means of
providing cheaper food.
Three methods are being studied,
one, a change in the
arrangement of molecules in protein,
two, a change in the structure
of chromosomes in cattle,
and three, a change in
the current administration
in Washington.
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] You read
that one easily.
- Yeah. (laughs)
I had trouble with
the woman in the air.
(audience laughs)
- I usually do.
- Yes.
- And now, with
an interest of item...
- [Dan] Item of interest.
- That's even better that way.
And now with an item of
interest from Tinseltown,
we give you internationally
syndicated columnist
Bob Thomas.
- Last night in
Hollywood, thieves broke
into the home of singing
star Robert Goulet
and made off with two dozen
of his most valued possessions.
According to police, they
are now searching the city
for a group of men
carrying 24 hand mirrors.
(audience laughs)
- It's the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, to cover a
traditional sporting event,
we take you to our
reporter in Israel.
- Showee, showee, pig,
pig, pig, pig, showee, showee.
Yo-ho, showee.
- Yes, you are a
contestant in Israel's
annual hog calling contest.
- Uh-huh.
- How come you're
using a telephone?
- Well, you see, Israelis
aren't allowed to eat pork, right?
- Right.
- Okay.
And the Arabs aren't
allowed to eat pork, right?
That puts the nearest
pig over 800 miles away.
Oh operator, you got me Chicago?
(audience laughs)
Showee, showee,
pig, pig, pig, pig.
(audience applauds)
- And now, a red
eyed look at the news
of the China-Russia border.
- Oh, Chairman Mao very funny.
Oh, he say all of his country,
store keeper must be honest.
Get this, there must
be no bull in China shop.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, they don't write
them like that any more.
- No, no.
- Now Lenin, Lenin always say,
remember that old, decrepit lady
who is married
to your best friend.
Is not your bag.
(audience laughs)
Hippy jargon.
We both get it.
- Sound like peg job to me.
(audience laughs)
- And now with
the Syndicate news,
here's the godmother,
Alice Capone.
- Alice Capone here
with the Syndicate news.
(hammer bangs)
Don Rowe, the
notorious cat burglar,
was apprehended
today and charged
with stealing over 500 cats.
(audience laughs)
Also, the mob announced today
that it will do its
part to fight pollution.
From now on, they will
use only low-lead bullets,
and no more dumping
bodies in the East River.
(audience laughs)
- And now for a look
at inside showbiz,
let's have breakfast with
Lance and Tina Proudfoot.
(audience laughs)
- Good morning, Lance.
- Ha, good morning, Tina.
(both vocalize smooching)
(kazoo squeals, audience laughs)
(Tina laughs weakly)
(china clatters)
(audience laughs)
(mumbles) that chair.
Take your hands off that.
(china clatters)
(audience laughs)
Sit down.
- [Tina] Yes.
- Well, good
morning to you, Tina.
Who's our guest this morning?
- Oh, our guest this
morning is Rodney Goulet.
- Oh, wonderful.
Play something for us, Roger.
- No, no, you don't understand.
It's Bob, and I'm a singer.
- Oh, of course.
What are you going
to sing for us today?
- Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm tired.
- [Lance] Oh, fine.
- Huh?
- Go ahead, play your pardon.
(Robert and audience laugh)
- I've been singing
night and day, and I'm...
- Fine, here's Robert
Goulet to sing Night and Day
by Irving Berlin.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, no, that's,
it's Cole Porter.
- Of course.
Here's Cole Porter
to sing Night and Day
by Robert Goulet.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, you're a lot of fun,
aren't you, in the morning?
- Thank you.
- No, I am not going
to sing Night and Day.
- Oh, we never had this trouble
with your lovely
wife, Carol Channing.
- My wife's name is Lawrence.
- Oh, hush your mouth.
No shame, it's a family show.
- No, no, no, you
don't understand.
You've got it all wrong.
My wife...
- What do you mean?
How do you like that?
He's a weirdo who can't sing,
with a wife named Lawrence,
and I'm wrong.
(audience laughs)
- There you have it,
ladies and gentlemen,
the seamy underside
of former showbiz great,
and you saw it
right here, with Tina.
- Lance and Tina.
(audience laughs)
- Please, let me try to explain.
- Don't touch me.
Go home to Lawrence.
(audience laughs)
Really, here.
(dishes clatter)
- Don't hurt me.
- Take the glassware with you.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Here's a lift
from Heavy Helen.
Can you dig it?
- Hey, it's Heavy Helen
with the far out, freaky nose.
You know, man, I was in college,
and a bunch of us cats
didn't dig what was happening.
I mean, like, we
didn't dig the books
that they was laying
on us in the library.
So we had a read-in.
And we didn't dig not
having coed dormitories.
So, like, we had a sleep-in.
We was heading for
the sex education class
when they called
out the militia.
(audience laughs)
The man was always on us.
Like, we was having
one of them luaus,
and they all got real uptight,
'cause everybody was just
sitting around,
smoking their skirt.
(audience laughs)
Da da kia Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In look at the news
(sneezes violently)
(punch smacks)
(audience applauds)
- Lisa here, your
undercover whoopee.
The FBI sent me to guard
the Vice President last week,
and I finally found
out what the T
in Spiro T. Agnew stands for.
Terrific.
(audience laughs)
Whoopee.
- Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm late for dinner.
- Oh, I'll be you've
been out fooling around
with that blond
assistant of yours.
From now on, I
want to be in your act.
- That's impossible.
Now where is my dinner?
- I didn't make any.
And I'm not going to make
any until you put me in your act!
- Very well, my darling.
I'll make dinner for myself.
(fingers snap)
- Oh, all right!
All right, if that's the
way you gonna be!
Either you put me in your act
or I'm going to shoot you.
- Go ahead and shoot.
- Oh! (squeals)
(audience laughs)
Oh, oh Mervin, please.
Please, please, please,
couldn't you please
fit me in your act?
(Robert chuckles)
- All right, all right!
You're in the act.
(fingers snap, bell dings)
Now will you shut up
and eat your carrots?
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Hey, Aaron, is
your wife still alive?
- Well, of course not.
You've met her.
(audience laughs)
- Today's literary tips for you,
you'll find some good
book buys this month
with these specials.
Staying in Shape With Diet
and Exercise by Orson Welles.
(audience laughs)
Why I'm for No-Fault
Insurance by Crash Cranston
and his Daytona Daredevils.
(audience laughs)
And Doing Your
Ceilings in Acoustical Tile
by the curator of
the Sistine Chapel.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I wish
you'd told me that
before we put you in there.
(swords clatter)
(man boings as he jumps)
(man boings as he jumps)
(swords clatter)
- Bob, the whole world
knows that your beautiful wife
Carol Lawrence is a big
star in the business, too.
- Hey, does having two
stars in the same house
pose any problems?
- Yes, it does sometimes,
because we're always
constantly fighting to see
who gets to use
the eye shadow first.
(audience laughs)
- I see you won tonight.
(audience laughs)
- I really don't think
this was necessary.
I promised your father
I wouldn't try anything.
(audience laughs)
- You still think
that was my father?
(laughs)
- It wasn't?
- No!
It was my mother. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Lisa here, undercover whoopee.
Last week, the mob sent
their tough trigger man,
Tots Molinaro, to get me.
But it didn't work.
Not only couldn't Tots
get himself to shoot me,
but he said he just
couldn't remember
when the kiss of
death was so much fun.
(audience laughs)
Then I gave him a
whoopee he couldn't refuse.
Whoopee!
(audience laughs)
- All right, this is a stick-up.
Put up your hands,
don't make a sound,
and give me that key.
- [Robert] 'Kay,
this is a stick-up.
Put your hands up, don't
make a sound and gimme.
- I haven't got the key.
- [Robert] I'll give you
exactly 10 seconds.
- No, wait a minute,
he hasn't got the key.
- [Robert] You keep out of this!
Who's he?
- He came in and held me up.
He's got the key.
- [Robert] Gimme the key.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Well, he's got a
gun in his pocket.
That proves he's a hold-up man.
- [Robert] All right,
let go, gimme the gun.
Gimme the gun!
- Ha!
- [Robert] Oh, there's
just no more honesty
left in the world.
- You gimme that
gun or he gets it.
- [Robert] You gimme
that gun or he gets it!
- Doesn't seem to me
too much in this for me.
I'll see... (hold-up men argue)
(audience laughs)
All right.
Help, police!
Ha, ha, I got you.
- All right, stay where you are!
I'm not fooling.
It's a snub nose 31.
Come on.
(audience laughs)
Just in time, he?
- Boy, I'm glad that
cop came along.
- [Robert] Yes, sure
restores your faith
in law and order.
How much percentage do
you want out of this deal?
- Well, let's see,
there's to our agent,
he gets 10%.
- [Robert] And my
manager gets 25.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, hello.
- Good morning.
Can I help you?
- Yes, I think my
headlights are too small.
- So do I.
Why don't you try this?
(audience laughs)
I think she bought it, folks.
(audience laughs)
- This place ain't big
enough for both of us.
- Well, then there's
only one thing we can do.
- Yeah, what's that?
- Well, we could add a
wing on to the saloon.
(audience laughs)
- That's a good idea.
We could put the
tables over there.
- Couch would go
nice there, wouldn't it?
(audience laughs)
(blonde gasps)
(brunette gasps)
- [Both Women] Good
heavens, it's my husband!
(audience laughs)
- [Both Men] Good
heavens, this is my wife.
(audience laughs)
- Is she soup yet?
(audience laughs)
(woman gurgles)
- Look, look.
Leonard? (man grunts)
Do you have a match?
(audience laughs)
- Sure.
You got it.
You need a match,
you get a match.
(audience laughs)
So I couldn't do it, huh?
(audience laughs)
(woman laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You know something, Leonard?
I'm really glad I
switched brands.
This is the mildest
cigarette I've ever had.
(both laugh, audience laughs)
(swords clatter) (silly music)
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to thank
our guest this week,
Mr. Robert Goulet.
(audience applauds)
- Hey, hey,
beautiful, beautiful.
Bob, here is a copy of
tonight's Laugh-in script.
- Yes, we've had it specially
bound in genuine leather,
engraved in gold, your name
right down there in the corner.
Isn't that nice?
- That sure is.
Thank you very
much, that's beautiful.
- See, these are made up
by my cousin in Glendale,
and we'd like to
present to you his card,
where you can have one
of these made for yourself.
(audience laughs)
- Good deal.
- I don't really
know what to say.
- Well, not only that, but
for being such a great guest,
we're also going to
give you right now
an opportunity to
see what's on the air
with this show next
week. (Dick gasps)
if you look up there, you'll
see next week's show.
- [Dick] What a thrill.
- [Announcer] Our guest is the
one and only Sammy Davis, Jr.
(audience applauds)
And our cameos are
Will Maston's nephew,
Sammy Davis,
and the son of Sammy Davis, Sr.
(audience applauds)
- Hey, Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Who lives in the
ocean and is white
and has huge webbed feet?
- I don't know, who?
- Moby Duck.
(all cheer and applaud)
- Hey, Dan!
- Yes, Bob?
- Who tells dull stories
about fire prevention?
- I don't know, who does that?
- Smokey the Bore.
(all cheer)
- Richard?
- Yeah?
- Who sells shoes
to French dancers?
- I don't know, who?
- Tom McCanCan.
(all cheer)
(Donna giggles)
- There you go, Donna.
- Hey.
I just heard Dean Martin
just made a new album,
Dick, of drinking songs.
- [Dick] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, Dickie.
You know, you
play it at 33 and 1/5.
(all cheer)
- Guess what, a guy
drove up to my house today
and left a lot of junk,
and then just drove away.
- Oh, who'd do
a thing like that?
- The mailman.
(all cheer)
- Honey!
- What?
- Who lives in Russia,
works on the river,
and burps in the
presence of ladies?
- [Ruth] I don't know, who?
- The vulgar boatman.
(all cheer)
- What do potato chips
get when they're cold?
- I don't know, Bob, what?
- Granny goose bumps.
(all cheer)
- What do you get
when you cross...
- [Ruth] Who are you talking to?
- Anybody who will answer me.
What do you get
when you cross a parrot
with Vincent Van Gogh, Ruthie?
- [Ruth] I don't know.
- A bird what'll
talk your ear off.
(all cheer)
- Oh, it's me.
Did you hear about
this singing group.
- [Dick] I did.
- Well, I'm gonna tell you.
Were sent to prison
for first degree murder.
- [Dick] Why?
- Well, they were
put to death on
row, row, row your boat.
(all groan)
(audience applauds)
- They were put on death
- [Dan And Dick] Row,
row, row your boat.
- They were not put to death.
- I heard they were
put on death row.
- Well, it's time
to say good night.
Good night.
- Good night.
- That's a good question.
(all laugh)
Now let me ask you one.
Why does the white line run
down the middle of the road?
- I don't know, why?
- To get to the other end.
(all cheer and laugh)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, everyone.
(audience applauds and cheers)
Row, row, row your
boat gently down
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Whoopee!
- Good night, Dick.
(bell dings)
Good night, Ruth.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [All] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Yeah!
- Down your hatch.
(audience laughs)
We better go, it's raining.
(audience laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick!
- Good night, me.
(upbeat big band music)
(audience laughs)
(swing squeaks)
(woman laughs slowly)