Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 11 - Episode #6.11 - full transcript
(siren blaring)
(fire fighters all
talking at once)
- Okay up there
jump one at a time.
Come on number one, jump.
(falling sound effect)
Number two, aim
a little to the left.
(knock on door)
- Hey ma, there's
somebody at the door.
(fires machine gun)
- There ain't now.
- At one time a
friend of mine and I
were going to open
a skydiving school
but we had a falling out.
- I know a
congregation so cheap,
when we passed
the plate, they kept it.
- Sister Mary Youngman
didn't you take
the vow of silence?
- Why is one missing?
- Smoke - Holy smoke
That's what the priest said
when the church
burned down, please.
- General Lee when I
asked you to surrender to me
this isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
(falling sound effect)
- I have been dying
to come on Laugh In
ever since Raquel Welch was on.
Well at least I
can fill her shoes.
It's not funny.
- Sir do you have
any alligator shoes?
- No I don't
But why don't you just
get your alligator a nice tie?
Let his mother worry.
- Your Sanford and Son
is really a unique show.
Now if you can't
afford to watch us
on a color set don't worry.
It looks just the same
in black and white.
- I think this one is fixed.
- What makes you say that?
- The Christian just
bit the lion's head off.
- Look, can't believe
he ate the whole thing.
- And now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
public baths and car wash.
NBC, the never
been careful network,
haphazardly trips over
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Starring the nimble
footed Dan Rowan
and the heavy
handed Dick Martin.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Cathy Spires,
Ian Bernard and
his band of Lards,
the beautiful downtown
Burbank beauties
and cameo appearances
by Carol Burnett,
Paul Gilbert, Ross Martin
and Demond Wilson
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word for those of you
who are accident prone.
Stay away from me.
Thank you.
- Carol on your show your guests
always sign an
autograph book right?
- Yeah - How bout signing ours?
- Oh I'd love to.
- Oh great.
(uptempo zany music)
- [Gary] And now the stars
of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In
and tonight we really have-
- First things first.
First things first.
Just look this over
and sign your name.
- What's this?
- It's a contract
between you and me.
I drew it up today.
Just go ahead and sign it.
- Well I can't sign
my name to this.
- I didn't know that.
Well just make your
mark right down there.
- No, no, no, no.
I mean you can't
draw up a contract.
You have to be a
member of the bar.
- That's where I
did it, at Eddie's bar.
- This is ridiculous.
You and I been
together for 21 years.
We've never had a piece
of paper between us.
21 years partners.
That makes us
common law partners.
- What if the police find out?
- What do you mean the police?
- We better get a chaperone.
- Oh come on Dick.
Look we met 21 years ago
we went to dinner right?
- Right.
- We talked things over,
you walked me home,
we shooked hands.
- Right.
Did he say shooked hands?
- I never pointed out when
you make your many boo boos.
- When did I ever
making a mistake talking.
Talking - Talking.
We walked home,
once we got the door
I says alright it's a deal,
you said it's a deal,
we shook hands, that was it.
- Right, yes
- You remember what I said then?
- I never kiss
on the first date?
- Oh come on will you stop that.
- Yeah you said that
too come to think of it.
- Now come on be serious now
we don't need a crummy contract.
Whereas the
party of the first part
shares equally with the
party of the second part
and whereas all income derived.
You know what's wrong with this?
- Too many whereases?
- No no no that's bad enough
but it says that in the
event of my demise,
you get everything.
- Well sure.
- What do you mean well sure.
What about my wife?
- Okay throw her
in, I don't care.
I don't know what I'm
gonna tell my wife but-
We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
- Let's just forget
about contracts,
we've gotten along
very well without one.
We've never had bad
words between us have we?
- No.
- I've never laid a
hand on you have I?
- Well there was that
time on the bus to Reno-
- Oh you know what I mean.
- Yeah
- Now all you have
to remember is
that we share and share alike.
- I like that.
- Okay, everything
we've ever had.
Every quarter we've ever earned,
we have always split 70/30.
- That's true.
That's what I'm getting at.
- What's the matter with that?
- 70/30, I just - You
don't like the split?
- No I don't.
- Well what do you want?
- 60/40
- You got me again.
- Thank you.
- Carol whenever I go to races
I always bet on the jockeys.
- Well gee you really
ought to bet on the horses.
I mean they're much faster.
- You know if you
don't want your child
to be influenced by all
those violent programs
on television, do what I do.
Every time they turn
one on, kick them.
- Yes I'll tell you
one thing young man
I understand they're gonna have
live entertainment on
coast to coast plane flying.
- They've had that for years.
- Yeah?
- Haven't you ever
seen a stewardess
put stuff in the
overhead luggage rack?
(uptempo dance music)
- I was engaged to a white girl
but things just didn't work out.
- Why did her parents object?
- Naw mine did.
- The way people drive today
I don't think shock
absorbing bumpers will help.
I mean what we really need
are shock absorbing pedestrians.
- You know Dan - What?
- I'm really upset.
- What for?
- Congress has done absolutely
nothing to help old people.
- What are you talking about?
Look at all the old congressmen
they made chairmen
of committees.
(uptempo dance music)
- One of our misionaries
has just returned
from two years working
under terrible conditions
among the savages.
He said the worst
part was walking
through Central Park at night.
- Dick if I came up
to your apartment
for a few drinks would
you take advantage of me?
- Well yes and
thank you for asking.
Mary could I have another
olive for my martini?
(uptempo dance music)
- Oh Dan, a terrible thing
happened to me last night.
I got on one of those buses
and I got on one of those buses
that requires the exact change
and all I had was a $20 bill.
- Did they let you ride?
[Both] Yes
- But I had to go all
the way to Steubenville.
(uptempo dance music)
- Now and then
everybody needs a change.
That's why I'm here on Laugh In.
I got tired of doing
a comedy show.
- Boys the drinks are on me.
- [Both] Okay.
- True or false.
Betty Crocker wears
her hair in a bun.
- Ready!
- Why are you here?
- I insulted the queen.
- Aim!
- Queen?
- Yeah the guy over
there holding the saber.
- Him?
- No her.
- Oh quiet.
- It's a little known fact
that George
Washington was Jewish.
In fact he was a
regular shlepper.
Why else would you see
signs all over the place
that say George
Washington shlept here.
George Washington shlept here.
George Washington shlept here.
Know what I mean?
(uptempo instrumental music)
- You know Demond we
watch you on Sanford and Son
every Friday night right
here on good old NBC.
- Yeah and you're groovy
and so is old Redd Foxx.
Say D why does Redd
have two Xs in his name?
- Well Redd says
that that was his name,
you know two Xs.
Then he learned how to write
and he added the F, O.
- Makes sense.
- Sir do you have any hip boots.
- No but I've got
some square sneakers
Lawrence Welk used to wear.
- No I know this plumber
who was really despondent
and when he jumped off a cliff
his whole flushed
before his eyes.
- Hi like my arrow shirt?
- Hi Cathy here.
One of the first women ever
to invade a men's steam room.
You know awhile ago
I asked one of the men
if there were any
complications caused
by men by taking
steam baths with women.
He said there were
no problems at all
except that one
time he had trouble
explaining to his wife
why he had lipstick
on his collarbone.
(yelling pain)
- Is everybody happy?
- I had a complex about my looks
so I went to a psychiatrist.
But he didn't help me.
He told me to lay on
the couch face down.
- What you boys watching?
- Mannix.
- Mannix?
I've told you a thousand times
I don't like all that violence.
Any questions?
- Yeah would you
tune to Oral Roberts?
(slow tempo Asian music)
- Every Rosy, May and Sally
- Living on the Isle of Bali
- When she wants
to find romance.
- Does her famous Bali dance
What's the news
across the nation.
We have got information
in a way we hold the news
We just love to give our view.
La di da.
When these dancing ladies
look at the news
with Dan and Dick.
- [Gary] Now it's time
for the Laugh In News
with Dean Martin in the bag,
Henny Youngman with a gag,
the stock market starting to sag
and Flip Wilson in drag.
Here's Dan and
Dick with the news.
- First these news headlines.
- Silent film star wins
Oscar, is speechless.
- Circus reports
trapeze jobs falling off.
- Fire in barbershop.
Glen Campbell suffers
third degree sideburns.
- And now for
news of the present
for those of you that don't
like the past, here's Dick.
- Dateline Hollywood.
Gay Liberation
leader Percy Lightfoot
was arrested today while walking
down Hollywood
Boulevard in a dress.
He was charged with
impersonating a woman
and trying to pick up
an undercover agent,
Shirley Funeman who
was at the time of arrest
disguised as a man.
- [Dan] Hey you got it right.
- Thank you.
Mrs. Wilt Chamberlain,
wife of the well
known basketball star,
today gave birth to a pair
of bouncing baby boys.
A hospital official
immediately spoiled everything
by charging Wilt
with double dribble.
And now here's Dan
with the news of the future.
- News of the future
20 years from now.
Dateline Washington, DC.
The limousine which was used
during the Nixon administration
was donated to the
Smithsonian Institute today.
Spokesman said
Former President Nixon
had been trying
to sell it himself
but it seems nobody will buy
a used car from that man.
News of the future
20 years from now.
After five attempts
newly elected president
George McGovern
was embarrassed by his emphasis
on youth in his cabinet
when the Secretary of Defense
called the Secretary
of State a big stinkie.
When asked what happened
the president
stated 'I don't know
I was in the potty at the time'.
- Now to jolly old London
where Sir Clyde Whippington
is attempting to set a new
world's record for fasting.
- Behind this door is
Sir Clyde Whippington
who has not had
anything to eat for 10 years.
Sir Clyde, how are you
getting along in there.
(instrumental of Pop
Goes the Weasel)
- Here's Vidal Bassoon
with the bald news.
- Here's the news
off the top of my head.
Cosmetology research
scientists have discovered
that hair follicles
from the rare
female Pomeranian lap
dog when transplanted
to the human scalp will give
permanent natural looking hair.
The only trouble is that
you have to stay
inside the house
36 days a year when
your head is in heat.
- Here's a special report
from the China/Russia border.
- Hey comrade Oriental
- You talking to me?
- No I'm talking to Fu Manchu.
- Oh
- Listen I have question.
Why are we marching here
on this remote part of border.
- Well I know why I'm
here round eyed Ruskie,
to guard against
invading imperialists.
- That's ridiculous.
- Oh not so.
You don't see any
invading imperialists do you?
You see.
Well by the way,
why are you here?
- I volunteered for this job.
- Why?
- Cause one, I'm
loyal Russian soldier.
Two, I love my country
and three, I was hoping
it would give me
a chance to defect.
- Son of a gun, that's
why I volunteered.
- Right.
Free at last.
- And now due to
technical difficulties
here's Donna Jean
Young with TV Previews.
- Hello.
(both say hello)
Hi Dan and Dick.
- Just go right ahead.
- On the Partridge
Family this week
while playing the electric
guitar in his underwear,
David falls in the swimming pool
and he gets a
short in his shorts.
When you're hot you're hot.
- As they say.
When you're not, you're not.
- This week on Cannon,
oh it was a tender,
tender beautiful love story.
Detective Cannon falls in love
with the Goodyear Blimp.
- And now here with
a hot Hollywood item
is nationally syndicated
columnist Vernon Scott.
- Producers of the
successful series
The Flying Nun announced
today that the revival
would not include the
original star Sally Field.
A network spokesman
stated 'that's no problem.
We'll use Totie Fields
and call it the Flying Convent".
- Now for more Hollywood news
it's time for breakfast with two
of Hollywood's beautiful
people, Lance and Tina.
- Good morning Lance.
- Good morning Tina.
(blows kisses)
- Welcome ladies and gentlemen
to Breakfast with
Tina and Lance.
- That's Lance and Tina.
- And today we're
interviewing Desmond Wilson,
star of Stanford and Son.
- Excuse me but
there's no S in that.
- Oh the star of Anford and Son.
- Oh no there is
an S in Sanford.
- Well that's what he said.
Desmond Wilson, star
of Sanford and Son.
- I'm not Desmond Wilson.
- Good heavens we're
interviewing a total nobody.
- I thought we were interviewing
one of the stars of
Sanford and Son.
- Hey I am one of the
stars of Sanford and Son.
- You look much
younger in person Fred.
- No, no, no I'm Demond Wilson.
I'm the son.
Now the other guy is Redd Foxx.
- I suppose that's
spelled with two Ds.
- Right and two Xs.
- There's no X in Redd.
- Well despite the
fact that you spell funny
it's good to have you
here anyway Mr. Wilson
and give our best to
your lovely wife Flip.
- Hey we're not married.
- Not married?
Living together huh?
Well your blatant
immorality is inexcusable.
- How would you like
one across your lips?
- Thank you Desmond
Wilson but I'm afraid
we're running out of time.
- To review one of
your favorite books
is our book reviewer Ruth Buzzi.
- Good evening.
Tonight I'm reviewing for you
a book entitled 'Chicken Little'
and I can only say I think
it is the dumbest
book I have ever read.
The novel is rather short.
I read it within a week
and the author concerns himself
with one Chicken Little
who is a little chicken
in more ways than one.
Anyway he or she or whatever,
you never learn which,
gets hit in the head
by a falling acorn
and immediately this chicken
gets out after
everybody screaming.
It's sort of a screaming
chicken take out.
And so hysterically shouting
that the sky is falling down,
this improbable
creature seeks out
after Goosey Loosey, Foxy Loxy,
Clucky Lucky, wait til you
hear this one, Turkey Jerky.
Now I must admit that
while Cocky and Locky
are very well depicted
Goosey and Jerky
are unbelievable.
And as for Little's conclusion
that the sky is falling down.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- And here's Willie
Tyler and Lester
with the minority news.
- Here's what it is.
I'm Willie Tyler your
minority reporter.
- And I'm Leroy Lopez
your combination militant.
- What's a combination militant?
- It's a black poncho.
- Hey look I wanna
ask you something.
I didn't know you were
supporting the Chicanos.
- Are you kidding?
I even made up a slogan.
- Well what's it called.
- Forget the Alamo.
Now back to you
Hernero and Martinez.
Ole baby.
- And here's our business
report, Patti Deutsch.
- The Polaroid
company has announced
that it will merge with the
pharmaceutical company
and will manufacture
a female hormone pill
which will cause
a girl to develop
a fantastic figure
in just 60 seconds.
- Well would you
look at that here's-
- Pat and Mike
- Pat and Mike
with the Irish news.
[Both] Did you ever go
into a night (singing gibberish)
- Hey Pat wait just a minute.
The top of the
evening news to you
and here's the news from Erin.
Polly O'Hara punched
her husband in the mouth
when she found he drank
a whole quart of
beer, the poor man.
Well she cheerfully
explained to the police
that she lost her temper
because she was saving
the bottle of beer for
the baby's breakfast.
- And here's a sad note.
The whole town was at
the O'Malley house last night
- At the where?
- O'Malley
To pay respects to Tom O'Malley.
What a wake.
There's was drinking and
dancing and lots of fun.
- Oh sounds grand.
- And it looks like it's
gonna continue for some time
because Doc Mulligan
says that O'Malley
probably won't die
for another week.
- Oh and that's
it from the Irish.
(singing gibberish)
- We now bring you the
FBI in peace and war,
whichever comes first.
- Ladies and gents Laugh
In looked at the news.
- Hi Cathy here again
from the men's steam room.
Boy you know I'm in here
with a bunch of guys and girls
and oh boy it's really
getting hot in here.
Can you imagine
what it'll be like
when they turn on the steam?
- I've developed
two basic methods
to discourage people
from annoying me in public.
First I simply ignore them
and if that doesn't work
I jump on the nearest chair,
leap up into the air
and do a short tap
dance on their foreheads.
- You know what famous
director makes movies
about the Black Panthers?
Cecil B. De Militant.
- Just a minute,
that man down there.
He isn't a Christian,
he's Jewish.
- It's alright, the lion
keeps a kosher stomach.
- Okay jump.
Come on jump.
What are you chicken?
Jump you chicken.
(falling sound
effect and clucking)
- Boys have I
got three nice girls
for you out in the car.
[Boys] Where?
- We don't see them.
- It ain't no girls in the car.
- Of course not,
look in the trunk.
(uptempo zany music)
- My wife was so naive
when we got married
she had training
wheels on her nightie.
- For sale, life
sized photograph
of the 1973 Playgirl of the Year
with four of everything.
Must be seen to be appreciated.
(clock ticking
then alarm ringing)
- Does anybody here
remember vaudeville?
Does anyone recall it to a day?
Remember all the
Irishmen singing off beat,
not the decree, know a tally.
- Hey - Yeah
- Who ruled China
and all the trains?
- I don't know, who?
- Fu Man Choo Choo
- Hey, who said give me liberty
or give me a candy bar?
- I don't know, who?
- Patrick O'Henry.
- Dennis, what's
over 900 feet high
and sprays French
people with water?
- Oh I don't know, what?
- The Eiffel Shower.
- Richard!
- Linda!
- I got a question for you.
- What is it?
- Who was two feet
and has four wheels?
- I don't know, who?
- Toulouse La Truck
- Hey hey hey - Hey
- Who's chases bad cowboys
and has food all over his shirt?
- I don't know who?
- The Cisco Pig.
- Question Ruth -
Yes go right ahead.
- Right look me in the eye.
What is the motto that is
printed on fisherman's coins?
- I don't know what?
- In cod we trust.
- Hey who said Willie,
I'd be pleased as punch
if you'd play it again Sam?
- I don't know, who?
- Hubert Humphrey Bogart.
- Hey Ruthie,
who's two feet tall
and hops in Australia?
- I don't know who?
- Mickey Kangarooney
- Oh Willie - Oh yes.
Who's able to leap tall
pot roasts in a single bound.
- I don't know who?
- Soppoman.
- So don't fly milla,
that great gorilla.
Do you remember
vaudeville oh yeah.
Do you remember vaudeville?
- Harvey Korman and
I have been playing
married couples on TV so long
that if the show ever breaks up
he gets custody of the cameras
and I get custody
of Lyle Waggoner.
I'm not full.
- You know Laugh In
and Sanford and Son
have a lot in common.
- Yeah they both
started mid-season,
they're both big hits.
- Yeah and they both
have a lot of junk in them.
- How would you like
one across the lip?
- Okay now jump.
Jump!
(siren blaring)
Oh no it's lunch time.
(falling sound effect)
- It's time again for
Debunking the Myth.
You know the old saying
that you can lead
a horse to water
but you can't make him drink?
Well I say bunk.
After all in a recent test
our Laugh In debunking squad
led 37 horses to water
and were able to
make 29 of them drink.
The other eight refused
saying they were
trying to cut down.
- And remember
for the sin of gluttony
it's five Our Fathers
and 10 push ups.
- A zoology professor at UCLA
has just finished a
10 year experiment.
It took Professor
Schwartz 10 long years
but he finally produced
a very unusual animal.
A camel with a
hump on the bottom.
He drags a little
but he sure carries
a lot more people.
(vocalizing)
- Now look at this place.
Everything's scattered around.
Why don't you put all this stuff
back where it belongs.
- Look man by now I forgot
which store it belongs in.
- I mean I don't want this stuff
laying all over the place.
Why don't we clean it up today.
- Look man why don't
we just wait til tomorrow
and let the finance
company repossess it?
- I tell you what, I've
already done something
about this mess.
- What?
- I say I've already done
something about this mess.
- Speak a little loud
man cause I can't hear.
- I've already done
something about this mess.
I got a maid coming over.
(doorbell rings)
- I wonder who that could be.
Don't ring or knock
cause the door don't lock.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh man she's white.
Quick, hide the silverware.
- Look don't be prejudice.
It's not her fault
she was born white.
- Well it ain't mine either.
Look here you
ready to go to work?
- Yeah but before I start
I want you to know
all I do is windows.
- I'll be doggone.
You see that man.
I told you they all lazy.
- Well look - Look, look what?
Get it together man.
Look what?
- I mean look.
- Look what?
- Look what makes you say that?
- You make me say that.
Look what.
- Carol I understand you have
an exercise class over at CBS.
How's it going?
- Oh fine, so far
we've lost 500 pounds.
- That's fantastic.
How did you do it?
- Jackie Gleason dropped out.
- And now I'd like to present
Dr. Terry O'Flaherty
of San Francisco.
Optometrist of the
Year who has prepared
a few words on
breakthroughs in optometry.
(uptempo zany music)
- Thank you.
Breakthroughs in optometry.
- How long do we
have to do this?
- I don't know until
we get it clean I guess.
- Oh Sarah, the other night
I was walking through the park
and a guy knocked
me to the ground
and beat me and kicked me.
- Was it a mugger?
- No it was my date.
(bird chirping)
- Do you mind if I leave?
I can't stand the sight of sap.
- Hi there.
Cathy here again from
the steam room of course.
Some of the guys
in here are so crude
the way they get fresh
really makes me mad.
In fact, there's one guy
that really rubs
me the wrong way.
- Hey honey where else has
William Morris booked you?
- I got out of show
business you know.
- I think you should.
- All I got is my
money in stocks.
- Yeah.
- Do you know that a lot
of professional athletes
complain that their team
owners treat them like slaves?
Well I never read about
anybody picking cotton
for 60 grand a season.
- Okay boys now what
plans have you got?
- Well today we knock
off the security van.
- Tomorrow we knock
over the first national bank.
- And the next day
the city federal bank.
- What'd you do that for ma?
- That's where I got my
Christmas club account.
- Sister?
- Yeah
- I overheard the novice
nun telling Mother Superior
that she didn't
think she could live
on bread and water alone.
- Well what did the
Mother Superior say?
- Try it, you'll like it.
- And Beverly
Hills is so exclusive
the parking meters
don't even list the prices.
(uptempo zany music)
- Now let me guess.
The hat tips it off.
- Right.
- Pinky Lee.
- Right, only I'm
going to give you
my impression of Pinky Lee
doing his impression
of Cary Grant.
- Pinky Lee doing Cary Grant.
- Right, get it.
- Okay.
- Hello it's me.
My name is Pinky Lee.
- Alright.
(honks horn)
I also recognize the horn.
Tonight we're going
to have a special salute
to the old time great comedians.
Abbott and Costello,
Burns and Allen,
Laurel and Hardy.
- Sears and Roebuck,
Minneapolis and St. Paul.
(honks horn)
- Will you stop that?
- Laugh it up folks.
Where'd you get this
audience Forest Lawn?
(honks horn)
- Now we're gonna
take a look at Mae West-
- Now there's a great team.
(honks horn)
- Buster Keaton, WC Fields,
not to mention
the Three Stooges.
- The Three Stooges?
- I told you not to mention
the Three Stooges.
- Ah Curly, Moe and Spiro.
(honks horn)
- And of course
the Marx brothers.
- Yes the Marx brothers.
Groucho, Chico and Spiro.
(honks horn)
(whistle blowing)
(dramatic music)
- When you see a nasty fellow
chasing Abbott and Costello
- Call in the Keystone Cops
- Have a loyal space invader
don't call up a total stranger
- Call in a Keystone Cop
- When you see a maiden
getting sawed up in half
- We're not good at helping
but we're good for a laugh.
- When you find
a villain cheating
Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton
- Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
We're not gonna catch them
But we'll put in a chase.
- We can get some
chuckles and a pie in the face.
- When you see a guilty party
chasing Laurel, chasing Hardy
- Call in the Keystone Cops.
When it comes to Sanford
we are really the best
If you like a latch
only we pass the test.
- When you find that
Mr. Fields is chasing Mae West
- Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
- Ooh yesterday afternoon a
man broke into my apartment.
A total stranger.
This morning he
left a good friend.
- Ollie, that apple you
ate had a worm in it.
- Well why didn't
you say something?
- Well I did but I guess
the worm didn't hear me.
- Sarah, I've often wondered
what old comics wear
under baggy pants.
- Baggy underwear?
- Hey captain, I
think it'd be nice
if along the way you'd tell us
some of the points of interest.
- Okay let's start with the
broad in the second row.
She's got hearing and all.
Let her mother worry.
- Well here we
are in sunny Spain.
- Say would you
have a 10 for 10 ones?
- Why certainly here's my 10.
- That's terrific.
Here's one, two, three,
how old's your oldest kid?
- Seven
- Seven, eight,
nine, 10, thanks.
- Hello Lou.
- Hi there.
Have you got a
10 for 10 singles?
- Oh I think so - Good.
- There's my 10.
- Alright, one, two,
three, four, five,
how old's your oldest kid?
- Two - Two, two, three,
wait a minute I
got more in here.
Four, five, six, seven,
what's your wife's birthday?
- The second.
- Second, two, two, four
- File those under F.
Entrez vous.
Pure loveliness.
- Hiya big boy.
I'm here to see about
the secretarial job.
- Ah yes the secretarial job.
Well congratulations my dear.
It was a very hard
choice but you have to job.
- Aren't you interested
in my shorthand.
- Not the shorthand dear, no,
those long luscious legs.
- Well tell me
what will I be doing
around the (drum roll) office?
- Mostly running.
- Oh please.
Your compromising me.
- Don't flatter yourself
I was trying to
guess your weight.
- Oh I don't think
this job is for me.
- Ah my dear this
job pays 600 dineros
plus a two months paid vacation.
- When do I start?
- Immediately
my dear, el pronto.
- Good, we'll begin
with the vacation.
See you in two months big boy.
- Just a minute my dear.
- And when I come
back we'll discuss
the possible raise not
to mention other benefits.
- Other benefits?
- I told you not to
mention it big boy.
- Ah so you did.
Sorry about that.
- Sarah in the 1920s
a really famous
old silent comedian
was brought to trial.
- What was he
charged with Patti?
- I don't know but the judge
really threw the pie at him.
- You know Ollie,
I've often wondered
what that little
yellow light was for.
- Don't you know anything.
That is so no one
will bump into this.
- Well then what's that for?
- You are so stupid.
That is to hold up
the little yellow light.
- That's perfectly clear.
Let's go get something to eat.
- Very well.
- You know what I say
to Wilt Chamberlain?
Why don't you come
down and see me sometime.
- Our next attraction
is Bubbles LaTousse.
- Hey Abbott.
- Hello Lou.
- Say the bandleader
just told me a great story.
You want to hear it?
- Well that's a wonderful idea
the show's
getting a little slow.
You go ahead and tell
it and I'll wait over here.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I need your help
to tell this one.
- I don't know the story.
- Well I'm gonna tell you.
- Well if you tell me the story,
they're gonna hear it
and it isn't gonna
get funny that way.
- I'll just tell you the
punchline you see.
I'll tell you the whole story
and then I'll just tell
you the punchline.
- And I help you with the story?
- Right.
- What do I do?
- Well I say to you
I just bought a dog.
You say to me
does he chase rats?
And then I'll give
the funny line,
the audience will scream
and holler and laugh.
- You're gonna give
the funny line after I say.
- I give it after I
say - I have one line.
- Right one line,
does he chase rats.
- I came up here
just to do the one line.
It says Abbott and
Costello out front.
It doesn't say
Costello and friend.
- Look it's not the whole
career this one story.
I just wanna tell the one story.
- Does he chase rats?
- Yes I say to you
I just bought a dog.
You say to me
does he chase rats?
Okay.
- Just bought a dog, right.
- Okay, right?
Hiya there bud.
- I just bought a dog.
- No no no you don't understand.
I say I just bought a dog.
You say to me
does he chase rats,
then I give the funny line.
- That's right.
I got it wrong.
- Okay here we go.
Hello Abbott.
- Hello Lou how are you?
- Fine.
- Haven't seen you for awhile.
- No well I've been at-
- Funny running into
here in Cleveland.
- All you do is say
one line after I say
I just bought a dog.
- I know but when two
friends meet on the street
they just don't
start talking about-
- Pretend we just
saw each other.
- Oh.
- Alright.
- Okay - Okay, here we go.
Hello Abbott.
- Nice to see you again.
- Thank you.
Listen I just bought a dog.
- No kidding.
What kind of dog did you get?
I love dogs.
- That doesn't
help the story at all.
(both talking at once)
Alright it was a collie.
What's the difference?
- Oh they're beautiful dogs.
- Yeah I'm glad you like them.
- I love collies.
Lassie's a collie.
- I'm glad to hear that.
- You could train a collie.
- You could probably.
I just wanna tell
this one story though.
(both talking at once)
- Hi Abbott.
I just bought a collie.
- How much did he cost?
You know I understand-
- That has absolutely
nothing to do with the story.
(both talking at once)
Alright it was $100.
- You spent $100 for a collie?
- Sure.
- Couldn't have
been a purebred dog.
- It doesn't matter whether
he's purebred or not.
- Probably has something
wrong with his hip.
- Nothing's wrong with his hip.
Just pretend he's
a perfect collie.
- Perfect collie for $100?
- Alright let's say the guy
didn't know what he was doing.
(both talking at once)
- I just bought a dog, you
say does he chase rats
and I'll give the funny line.
Alright, here we go.
Hey Abbott.
I just bought a collie for $100.
- Where did you get $100?
I saw you not too long ago
and asked you for 50 bucks-
- Boy you remind me of my uncle.
- Does he chase rats?
- I'm going home.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Oh pilot, I don't
have a safety belt.
- That's too bad.
I had one in the
bar before we left.
- Well you're a caution.
- Beer for a $1.19,
you're lucky we took off
and I'm not taking another
thing off until I get $3
- Some great old jokes
really came out of vaudeville.
I wonder where the new
ones are coming from.
- Congress
(rising sound effect)
- Yes indeed my
dear always remember
a chastity belt is the drink
that gives a girl the
strength to say no.
- If you catch a fella
starting after Rowan
and from Martin, call
in the Keystone cops.
Call in the Keystone cops.
- Hi, Cathy coming to you
from the steam room again.
Well wonders never cease.
You'd never think that
even in a room like this,
there's still a few guys
who run out of steam.
- Oh California's
a wonderful place.
You know the other day
here in the San Fernando Valley
they chopped down a liquor store
and planted an orange tree.
- You boys are filthy, bad,
stupid and not
to mention, rotten.
- Rotten?
(fires machine gun at him)
- Told you not to mention it.
- All he said was rotten.
(fires machine gun)
- I'm not talking.
- Say do you know the average
hospital costs is $92 a day?
Boy I tell you that's a
enough to make you well.
(uptempo dance music)
(musical fanfare)
- Thought we wouldn't
make it didn't you?
- Good evening ladies and germs.
- Oh we're here.
Hey it's time once again
for the Rowan and
Martin Hoopy Award.
- And what fine fellow gets the
fascinating phalange tonight.
- Oh you've been
taking elocution lessons.
- So have I.
- I'm gonna tell you who
gets the Hoopy award.
It's Mason Lustig who
lives in New York City.
- He gets an award for
living in New York City?
- Well he probably
should but this award
is for successfully enrolling
in the welfare program.
- What's such a
big deal about that?
- Well let me show you.
If this young fella
will come in here.
- Dear me what
a nice little fellow.
- You see Mason's a Great Dane
and Mrs. Lustig in New York City
has enrolled her dog
Mason, a Great Dane
in the Medicaid welfare program.
- Why did she do that?
Is the dog too sick
to enroll himself?
- No she was just
trying to prove a point.
Thank you sir.
You see the point is
there's an incredible amount
of inefficiency in the
administration of welfare.
- In other words,
the welfare program
is going to the dogs.
- And so is our Hoopy award.
- Wait a minute, shouldn't it go
to the dog's owner Mrs. Lustig?
- Well actually
you're probably right
but it's possible
that Mrs. Lustig
might not be
around to receive it
you see, she has
a little problem.
- She started chasing cars.
- No the Secretary of
Health, Education and Welfare
immediately announced plans
to prosecute Mrs.
Lustig for fraud
so our Hoopy award
goes to Mason,
a great Great Dane
who simultaneously
fooled the welfare department
and put his owner
in the dog house.
- Here you are Mason, fetch.
- Ryan O'Neal doesn't
want to get married
but he's living together.
- Hey man I don't
like the position
they assigned me to
on the baseball team.
- What are you?
- Home plate.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Carol I notice every week
on your show you tug on your ear
- Yes I do.
- I've seen you do that.
That's a signal to
your grandmother
that everything is fine?
- Yeah, you notice I'm
not doing it on this show.
- Hi there, Cathy back again
and still in the steam room.
Wouldn't it seem
to you that after
spending so much
time in a room like this
that these guys
would be familiar
with their surroundings?
Boy you'd be surprised
at how many of them
are still feeling
their way around.
- The Los Angeles
Chamber of Commerce
has come up with the solution
to the whole problem out here.
We're still going to have smog
but it's going to be medicated.
That is true.
They are adding menthol.
It will still give
you sinus trouble
but it will also cure it.
- When did you first
decide you wanted to fly?
- They finally talked me into it
about two hours ago and
it seems like yesterday.
You remember what a
lousy day yesterday was.
- Mirror mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest one of all?
- [Mirror] You are sir.
- Hey I know this real big phony
who bought himself
a fake natural.
Now he goes around
acting like a big wig.
- I'm telling you senator
if you really want
to win this election
you've gotta be able to identify
with all kinds of people.
- But there are so
many different types.
- That doesn't matter.
If they're farmers,
you grew up on a farm.
If they're for the
war, you're a veteran.
If they're against the war,
you're a conscientious objector.
Just be whatever they are.
- Yes I think you're right.
I'll try it.
- Senator there's some
people here to see you
from Gay Liberation.
- Well don't just sit
there you silly goose,
hand me my purse.
- Hey garcon.
- What do you want?
- Garcon, I'll have the
same thing he's having.
- That sounds good
I'll have one too.
- Don't forget mine.
- Well of course.
Better make it three of those.
- I'll have three too.
- Three, two, that makes five.
- I'll have the same thing.
- Good, we'll both have that.
- Have what?
- Well we've ordered 10 drinks
and he hasn't brought
one of them yet.
- Let's go someplace else.
- Good.
(falling sound effect)
Hey this looks
like a nice place.
Maybe we'll have
better luck ordering here.
- [Ruth] Okay, hey garcon,
I'll have whatever he's having.
(pouring wine on them)
- [Dick] Hey he gave
us the good stuff.
(Ruth laughing)
- Say ahh.
- Why can't you behave
nice like your brother?
That's my boy.
(uptempo zany music)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- My back is killing me.
- Why what happened?
- I got in an argument
with a contortionist
and I tried to see
things her way.
- Well why don't you folks
try to see things
our way next week
when our guests will be-
Our guest star is Lucie Arnaz
and our cameos Rich
Little and Ross Martin
with all of our regular coo coos
- [Dick] And me Dick Martin.
- [Dan] I included you
when I said regular coo coos.
Oh looks like a
show you should like.
- Great show.
- Hope your back
fixes itself up.
- Thank you.
- You'll never do it alone.
- Never.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Jump (falling sound effect)
Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Adios Dickondo
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- [All] Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(bell ringing)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Thank you.
He's a wonderful fellow.
- Who asked you.
- I'll punch your eye.
(falling sound effect)
- That'll teach him.
I'm the real Ollie.
Perhaps now you recognize me.
(moderate instrumental music)
(horn honking)
(falling sound effect)
(woman sobbing)
(fire fighters all
talking at once)
- Okay up there
jump one at a time.
Come on number one, jump.
(falling sound effect)
Number two, aim
a little to the left.
(knock on door)
- Hey ma, there's
somebody at the door.
(fires machine gun)
- There ain't now.
- At one time a
friend of mine and I
were going to open
a skydiving school
but we had a falling out.
- I know a
congregation so cheap,
when we passed
the plate, they kept it.
- Sister Mary Youngman
didn't you take
the vow of silence?
- Why is one missing?
- Smoke - Holy smoke
That's what the priest said
when the church
burned down, please.
- General Lee when I
asked you to surrender to me
this isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
(falling sound effect)
- I have been dying
to come on Laugh In
ever since Raquel Welch was on.
Well at least I
can fill her shoes.
It's not funny.
- Sir do you have
any alligator shoes?
- No I don't
But why don't you just
get your alligator a nice tie?
Let his mother worry.
- Your Sanford and Son
is really a unique show.
Now if you can't
afford to watch us
on a color set don't worry.
It looks just the same
in black and white.
- I think this one is fixed.
- What makes you say that?
- The Christian just
bit the lion's head off.
- Look, can't believe
he ate the whole thing.
- And now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
public baths and car wash.
NBC, the never
been careful network,
haphazardly trips over
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Starring the nimble
footed Dan Rowan
and the heavy
handed Dick Martin.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Cathy Spires,
Ian Bernard and
his band of Lards,
the beautiful downtown
Burbank beauties
and cameo appearances
by Carol Burnett,
Paul Gilbert, Ross Martin
and Demond Wilson
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word for those of you
who are accident prone.
Stay away from me.
Thank you.
- Carol on your show your guests
always sign an
autograph book right?
- Yeah - How bout signing ours?
- Oh I'd love to.
- Oh great.
(uptempo zany music)
- [Gary] And now the stars
of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In
and tonight we really have-
- First things first.
First things first.
Just look this over
and sign your name.
- What's this?
- It's a contract
between you and me.
I drew it up today.
Just go ahead and sign it.
- Well I can't sign
my name to this.
- I didn't know that.
Well just make your
mark right down there.
- No, no, no, no.
I mean you can't
draw up a contract.
You have to be a
member of the bar.
- That's where I
did it, at Eddie's bar.
- This is ridiculous.
You and I been
together for 21 years.
We've never had a piece
of paper between us.
21 years partners.
That makes us
common law partners.
- What if the police find out?
- What do you mean the police?
- We better get a chaperone.
- Oh come on Dick.
Look we met 21 years ago
we went to dinner right?
- Right.
- We talked things over,
you walked me home,
we shooked hands.
- Right.
Did he say shooked hands?
- I never pointed out when
you make your many boo boos.
- When did I ever
making a mistake talking.
Talking - Talking.
We walked home,
once we got the door
I says alright it's a deal,
you said it's a deal,
we shook hands, that was it.
- Right, yes
- You remember what I said then?
- I never kiss
on the first date?
- Oh come on will you stop that.
- Yeah you said that
too come to think of it.
- Now come on be serious now
we don't need a crummy contract.
Whereas the
party of the first part
shares equally with the
party of the second part
and whereas all income derived.
You know what's wrong with this?
- Too many whereases?
- No no no that's bad enough
but it says that in the
event of my demise,
you get everything.
- Well sure.
- What do you mean well sure.
What about my wife?
- Okay throw her
in, I don't care.
I don't know what I'm
gonna tell my wife but-
We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
- Let's just forget
about contracts,
we've gotten along
very well without one.
We've never had bad
words between us have we?
- No.
- I've never laid a
hand on you have I?
- Well there was that
time on the bus to Reno-
- Oh you know what I mean.
- Yeah
- Now all you have
to remember is
that we share and share alike.
- I like that.
- Okay, everything
we've ever had.
Every quarter we've ever earned,
we have always split 70/30.
- That's true.
That's what I'm getting at.
- What's the matter with that?
- 70/30, I just - You
don't like the split?
- No I don't.
- Well what do you want?
- 60/40
- You got me again.
- Thank you.
- Carol whenever I go to races
I always bet on the jockeys.
- Well gee you really
ought to bet on the horses.
I mean they're much faster.
- You know if you
don't want your child
to be influenced by all
those violent programs
on television, do what I do.
Every time they turn
one on, kick them.
- Yes I'll tell you
one thing young man
I understand they're gonna have
live entertainment on
coast to coast plane flying.
- They've had that for years.
- Yeah?
- Haven't you ever
seen a stewardess
put stuff in the
overhead luggage rack?
(uptempo dance music)
- I was engaged to a white girl
but things just didn't work out.
- Why did her parents object?
- Naw mine did.
- The way people drive today
I don't think shock
absorbing bumpers will help.
I mean what we really need
are shock absorbing pedestrians.
- You know Dan - What?
- I'm really upset.
- What for?
- Congress has done absolutely
nothing to help old people.
- What are you talking about?
Look at all the old congressmen
they made chairmen
of committees.
(uptempo dance music)
- One of our misionaries
has just returned
from two years working
under terrible conditions
among the savages.
He said the worst
part was walking
through Central Park at night.
- Dick if I came up
to your apartment
for a few drinks would
you take advantage of me?
- Well yes and
thank you for asking.
Mary could I have another
olive for my martini?
(uptempo dance music)
- Oh Dan, a terrible thing
happened to me last night.
I got on one of those buses
and I got on one of those buses
that requires the exact change
and all I had was a $20 bill.
- Did they let you ride?
[Both] Yes
- But I had to go all
the way to Steubenville.
(uptempo dance music)
- Now and then
everybody needs a change.
That's why I'm here on Laugh In.
I got tired of doing
a comedy show.
- Boys the drinks are on me.
- [Both] Okay.
- True or false.
Betty Crocker wears
her hair in a bun.
- Ready!
- Why are you here?
- I insulted the queen.
- Aim!
- Queen?
- Yeah the guy over
there holding the saber.
- Him?
- No her.
- Oh quiet.
- It's a little known fact
that George
Washington was Jewish.
In fact he was a
regular shlepper.
Why else would you see
signs all over the place
that say George
Washington shlept here.
George Washington shlept here.
George Washington shlept here.
Know what I mean?
(uptempo instrumental music)
- You know Demond we
watch you on Sanford and Son
every Friday night right
here on good old NBC.
- Yeah and you're groovy
and so is old Redd Foxx.
Say D why does Redd
have two Xs in his name?
- Well Redd says
that that was his name,
you know two Xs.
Then he learned how to write
and he added the F, O.
- Makes sense.
- Sir do you have any hip boots.
- No but I've got
some square sneakers
Lawrence Welk used to wear.
- No I know this plumber
who was really despondent
and when he jumped off a cliff
his whole flushed
before his eyes.
- Hi like my arrow shirt?
- Hi Cathy here.
One of the first women ever
to invade a men's steam room.
You know awhile ago
I asked one of the men
if there were any
complications caused
by men by taking
steam baths with women.
He said there were
no problems at all
except that one
time he had trouble
explaining to his wife
why he had lipstick
on his collarbone.
(yelling pain)
- Is everybody happy?
- I had a complex about my looks
so I went to a psychiatrist.
But he didn't help me.
He told me to lay on
the couch face down.
- What you boys watching?
- Mannix.
- Mannix?
I've told you a thousand times
I don't like all that violence.
Any questions?
- Yeah would you
tune to Oral Roberts?
(slow tempo Asian music)
- Every Rosy, May and Sally
- Living on the Isle of Bali
- When she wants
to find romance.
- Does her famous Bali dance
What's the news
across the nation.
We have got information
in a way we hold the news
We just love to give our view.
La di da.
When these dancing ladies
look at the news
with Dan and Dick.
- [Gary] Now it's time
for the Laugh In News
with Dean Martin in the bag,
Henny Youngman with a gag,
the stock market starting to sag
and Flip Wilson in drag.
Here's Dan and
Dick with the news.
- First these news headlines.
- Silent film star wins
Oscar, is speechless.
- Circus reports
trapeze jobs falling off.
- Fire in barbershop.
Glen Campbell suffers
third degree sideburns.
- And now for
news of the present
for those of you that don't
like the past, here's Dick.
- Dateline Hollywood.
Gay Liberation
leader Percy Lightfoot
was arrested today while walking
down Hollywood
Boulevard in a dress.
He was charged with
impersonating a woman
and trying to pick up
an undercover agent,
Shirley Funeman who
was at the time of arrest
disguised as a man.
- [Dan] Hey you got it right.
- Thank you.
Mrs. Wilt Chamberlain,
wife of the well
known basketball star,
today gave birth to a pair
of bouncing baby boys.
A hospital official
immediately spoiled everything
by charging Wilt
with double dribble.
And now here's Dan
with the news of the future.
- News of the future
20 years from now.
Dateline Washington, DC.
The limousine which was used
during the Nixon administration
was donated to the
Smithsonian Institute today.
Spokesman said
Former President Nixon
had been trying
to sell it himself
but it seems nobody will buy
a used car from that man.
News of the future
20 years from now.
After five attempts
newly elected president
George McGovern
was embarrassed by his emphasis
on youth in his cabinet
when the Secretary of Defense
called the Secretary
of State a big stinkie.
When asked what happened
the president
stated 'I don't know
I was in the potty at the time'.
- Now to jolly old London
where Sir Clyde Whippington
is attempting to set a new
world's record for fasting.
- Behind this door is
Sir Clyde Whippington
who has not had
anything to eat for 10 years.
Sir Clyde, how are you
getting along in there.
(instrumental of Pop
Goes the Weasel)
- Here's Vidal Bassoon
with the bald news.
- Here's the news
off the top of my head.
Cosmetology research
scientists have discovered
that hair follicles
from the rare
female Pomeranian lap
dog when transplanted
to the human scalp will give
permanent natural looking hair.
The only trouble is that
you have to stay
inside the house
36 days a year when
your head is in heat.
- Here's a special report
from the China/Russia border.
- Hey comrade Oriental
- You talking to me?
- No I'm talking to Fu Manchu.
- Oh
- Listen I have question.
Why are we marching here
on this remote part of border.
- Well I know why I'm
here round eyed Ruskie,
to guard against
invading imperialists.
- That's ridiculous.
- Oh not so.
You don't see any
invading imperialists do you?
You see.
Well by the way,
why are you here?
- I volunteered for this job.
- Why?
- Cause one, I'm
loyal Russian soldier.
Two, I love my country
and three, I was hoping
it would give me
a chance to defect.
- Son of a gun, that's
why I volunteered.
- Right.
Free at last.
- And now due to
technical difficulties
here's Donna Jean
Young with TV Previews.
- Hello.
(both say hello)
Hi Dan and Dick.
- Just go right ahead.
- On the Partridge
Family this week
while playing the electric
guitar in his underwear,
David falls in the swimming pool
and he gets a
short in his shorts.
When you're hot you're hot.
- As they say.
When you're not, you're not.
- This week on Cannon,
oh it was a tender,
tender beautiful love story.
Detective Cannon falls in love
with the Goodyear Blimp.
- And now here with
a hot Hollywood item
is nationally syndicated
columnist Vernon Scott.
- Producers of the
successful series
The Flying Nun announced
today that the revival
would not include the
original star Sally Field.
A network spokesman
stated 'that's no problem.
We'll use Totie Fields
and call it the Flying Convent".
- Now for more Hollywood news
it's time for breakfast with two
of Hollywood's beautiful
people, Lance and Tina.
- Good morning Lance.
- Good morning Tina.
(blows kisses)
- Welcome ladies and gentlemen
to Breakfast with
Tina and Lance.
- That's Lance and Tina.
- And today we're
interviewing Desmond Wilson,
star of Stanford and Son.
- Excuse me but
there's no S in that.
- Oh the star of Anford and Son.
- Oh no there is
an S in Sanford.
- Well that's what he said.
Desmond Wilson, star
of Sanford and Son.
- I'm not Desmond Wilson.
- Good heavens we're
interviewing a total nobody.
- I thought we were interviewing
one of the stars of
Sanford and Son.
- Hey I am one of the
stars of Sanford and Son.
- You look much
younger in person Fred.
- No, no, no I'm Demond Wilson.
I'm the son.
Now the other guy is Redd Foxx.
- I suppose that's
spelled with two Ds.
- Right and two Xs.
- There's no X in Redd.
- Well despite the
fact that you spell funny
it's good to have you
here anyway Mr. Wilson
and give our best to
your lovely wife Flip.
- Hey we're not married.
- Not married?
Living together huh?
Well your blatant
immorality is inexcusable.
- How would you like
one across your lips?
- Thank you Desmond
Wilson but I'm afraid
we're running out of time.
- To review one of
your favorite books
is our book reviewer Ruth Buzzi.
- Good evening.
Tonight I'm reviewing for you
a book entitled 'Chicken Little'
and I can only say I think
it is the dumbest
book I have ever read.
The novel is rather short.
I read it within a week
and the author concerns himself
with one Chicken Little
who is a little chicken
in more ways than one.
Anyway he or she or whatever,
you never learn which,
gets hit in the head
by a falling acorn
and immediately this chicken
gets out after
everybody screaming.
It's sort of a screaming
chicken take out.
And so hysterically shouting
that the sky is falling down,
this improbable
creature seeks out
after Goosey Loosey, Foxy Loxy,
Clucky Lucky, wait til you
hear this one, Turkey Jerky.
Now I must admit that
while Cocky and Locky
are very well depicted
Goosey and Jerky
are unbelievable.
And as for Little's conclusion
that the sky is falling down.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- And here's Willie
Tyler and Lester
with the minority news.
- Here's what it is.
I'm Willie Tyler your
minority reporter.
- And I'm Leroy Lopez
your combination militant.
- What's a combination militant?
- It's a black poncho.
- Hey look I wanna
ask you something.
I didn't know you were
supporting the Chicanos.
- Are you kidding?
I even made up a slogan.
- Well what's it called.
- Forget the Alamo.
Now back to you
Hernero and Martinez.
Ole baby.
- And here's our business
report, Patti Deutsch.
- The Polaroid
company has announced
that it will merge with the
pharmaceutical company
and will manufacture
a female hormone pill
which will cause
a girl to develop
a fantastic figure
in just 60 seconds.
- Well would you
look at that here's-
- Pat and Mike
- Pat and Mike
with the Irish news.
[Both] Did you ever go
into a night (singing gibberish)
- Hey Pat wait just a minute.
The top of the
evening news to you
and here's the news from Erin.
Polly O'Hara punched
her husband in the mouth
when she found he drank
a whole quart of
beer, the poor man.
Well she cheerfully
explained to the police
that she lost her temper
because she was saving
the bottle of beer for
the baby's breakfast.
- And here's a sad note.
The whole town was at
the O'Malley house last night
- At the where?
- O'Malley
To pay respects to Tom O'Malley.
What a wake.
There's was drinking and
dancing and lots of fun.
- Oh sounds grand.
- And it looks like it's
gonna continue for some time
because Doc Mulligan
says that O'Malley
probably won't die
for another week.
- Oh and that's
it from the Irish.
(singing gibberish)
- We now bring you the
FBI in peace and war,
whichever comes first.
- Ladies and gents Laugh
In looked at the news.
- Hi Cathy here again
from the men's steam room.
Boy you know I'm in here
with a bunch of guys and girls
and oh boy it's really
getting hot in here.
Can you imagine
what it'll be like
when they turn on the steam?
- I've developed
two basic methods
to discourage people
from annoying me in public.
First I simply ignore them
and if that doesn't work
I jump on the nearest chair,
leap up into the air
and do a short tap
dance on their foreheads.
- You know what famous
director makes movies
about the Black Panthers?
Cecil B. De Militant.
- Just a minute,
that man down there.
He isn't a Christian,
he's Jewish.
- It's alright, the lion
keeps a kosher stomach.
- Okay jump.
Come on jump.
What are you chicken?
Jump you chicken.
(falling sound
effect and clucking)
- Boys have I
got three nice girls
for you out in the car.
[Boys] Where?
- We don't see them.
- It ain't no girls in the car.
- Of course not,
look in the trunk.
(uptempo zany music)
- My wife was so naive
when we got married
she had training
wheels on her nightie.
- For sale, life
sized photograph
of the 1973 Playgirl of the Year
with four of everything.
Must be seen to be appreciated.
(clock ticking
then alarm ringing)
- Does anybody here
remember vaudeville?
Does anyone recall it to a day?
Remember all the
Irishmen singing off beat,
not the decree, know a tally.
- Hey - Yeah
- Who ruled China
and all the trains?
- I don't know, who?
- Fu Man Choo Choo
- Hey, who said give me liberty
or give me a candy bar?
- I don't know, who?
- Patrick O'Henry.
- Dennis, what's
over 900 feet high
and sprays French
people with water?
- Oh I don't know, what?
- The Eiffel Shower.
- Richard!
- Linda!
- I got a question for you.
- What is it?
- Who was two feet
and has four wheels?
- I don't know, who?
- Toulouse La Truck
- Hey hey hey - Hey
- Who's chases bad cowboys
and has food all over his shirt?
- I don't know who?
- The Cisco Pig.
- Question Ruth -
Yes go right ahead.
- Right look me in the eye.
What is the motto that is
printed on fisherman's coins?
- I don't know what?
- In cod we trust.
- Hey who said Willie,
I'd be pleased as punch
if you'd play it again Sam?
- I don't know, who?
- Hubert Humphrey Bogart.
- Hey Ruthie,
who's two feet tall
and hops in Australia?
- I don't know who?
- Mickey Kangarooney
- Oh Willie - Oh yes.
Who's able to leap tall
pot roasts in a single bound.
- I don't know who?
- Soppoman.
- So don't fly milla,
that great gorilla.
Do you remember
vaudeville oh yeah.
Do you remember vaudeville?
- Harvey Korman and
I have been playing
married couples on TV so long
that if the show ever breaks up
he gets custody of the cameras
and I get custody
of Lyle Waggoner.
I'm not full.
- You know Laugh In
and Sanford and Son
have a lot in common.
- Yeah they both
started mid-season,
they're both big hits.
- Yeah and they both
have a lot of junk in them.
- How would you like
one across the lip?
- Okay now jump.
Jump!
(siren blaring)
Oh no it's lunch time.
(falling sound effect)
- It's time again for
Debunking the Myth.
You know the old saying
that you can lead
a horse to water
but you can't make him drink?
Well I say bunk.
After all in a recent test
our Laugh In debunking squad
led 37 horses to water
and were able to
make 29 of them drink.
The other eight refused
saying they were
trying to cut down.
- And remember
for the sin of gluttony
it's five Our Fathers
and 10 push ups.
- A zoology professor at UCLA
has just finished a
10 year experiment.
It took Professor
Schwartz 10 long years
but he finally produced
a very unusual animal.
A camel with a
hump on the bottom.
He drags a little
but he sure carries
a lot more people.
(vocalizing)
- Now look at this place.
Everything's scattered around.
Why don't you put all this stuff
back where it belongs.
- Look man by now I forgot
which store it belongs in.
- I mean I don't want this stuff
laying all over the place.
Why don't we clean it up today.
- Look man why don't
we just wait til tomorrow
and let the finance
company repossess it?
- I tell you what, I've
already done something
about this mess.
- What?
- I say I've already done
something about this mess.
- Speak a little loud
man cause I can't hear.
- I've already done
something about this mess.
I got a maid coming over.
(doorbell rings)
- I wonder who that could be.
Don't ring or knock
cause the door don't lock.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh man she's white.
Quick, hide the silverware.
- Look don't be prejudice.
It's not her fault
she was born white.
- Well it ain't mine either.
Look here you
ready to go to work?
- Yeah but before I start
I want you to know
all I do is windows.
- I'll be doggone.
You see that man.
I told you they all lazy.
- Well look - Look, look what?
Get it together man.
Look what?
- I mean look.
- Look what?
- Look what makes you say that?
- You make me say that.
Look what.
- Carol I understand you have
an exercise class over at CBS.
How's it going?
- Oh fine, so far
we've lost 500 pounds.
- That's fantastic.
How did you do it?
- Jackie Gleason dropped out.
- And now I'd like to present
Dr. Terry O'Flaherty
of San Francisco.
Optometrist of the
Year who has prepared
a few words on
breakthroughs in optometry.
(uptempo zany music)
- Thank you.
Breakthroughs in optometry.
- How long do we
have to do this?
- I don't know until
we get it clean I guess.
- Oh Sarah, the other night
I was walking through the park
and a guy knocked
me to the ground
and beat me and kicked me.
- Was it a mugger?
- No it was my date.
(bird chirping)
- Do you mind if I leave?
I can't stand the sight of sap.
- Hi there.
Cathy here again from
the steam room of course.
Some of the guys
in here are so crude
the way they get fresh
really makes me mad.
In fact, there's one guy
that really rubs
me the wrong way.
- Hey honey where else has
William Morris booked you?
- I got out of show
business you know.
- I think you should.
- All I got is my
money in stocks.
- Yeah.
- Do you know that a lot
of professional athletes
complain that their team
owners treat them like slaves?
Well I never read about
anybody picking cotton
for 60 grand a season.
- Okay boys now what
plans have you got?
- Well today we knock
off the security van.
- Tomorrow we knock
over the first national bank.
- And the next day
the city federal bank.
- What'd you do that for ma?
- That's where I got my
Christmas club account.
- Sister?
- Yeah
- I overheard the novice
nun telling Mother Superior
that she didn't
think she could live
on bread and water alone.
- Well what did the
Mother Superior say?
- Try it, you'll like it.
- And Beverly
Hills is so exclusive
the parking meters
don't even list the prices.
(uptempo zany music)
- Now let me guess.
The hat tips it off.
- Right.
- Pinky Lee.
- Right, only I'm
going to give you
my impression of Pinky Lee
doing his impression
of Cary Grant.
- Pinky Lee doing Cary Grant.
- Right, get it.
- Okay.
- Hello it's me.
My name is Pinky Lee.
- Alright.
(honks horn)
I also recognize the horn.
Tonight we're going
to have a special salute
to the old time great comedians.
Abbott and Costello,
Burns and Allen,
Laurel and Hardy.
- Sears and Roebuck,
Minneapolis and St. Paul.
(honks horn)
- Will you stop that?
- Laugh it up folks.
Where'd you get this
audience Forest Lawn?
(honks horn)
- Now we're gonna
take a look at Mae West-
- Now there's a great team.
(honks horn)
- Buster Keaton, WC Fields,
not to mention
the Three Stooges.
- The Three Stooges?
- I told you not to mention
the Three Stooges.
- Ah Curly, Moe and Spiro.
(honks horn)
- And of course
the Marx brothers.
- Yes the Marx brothers.
Groucho, Chico and Spiro.
(honks horn)
(whistle blowing)
(dramatic music)
- When you see a nasty fellow
chasing Abbott and Costello
- Call in the Keystone Cops
- Have a loyal space invader
don't call up a total stranger
- Call in a Keystone Cop
- When you see a maiden
getting sawed up in half
- We're not good at helping
but we're good for a laugh.
- When you find
a villain cheating
Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton
- Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
We're not gonna catch them
But we'll put in a chase.
- We can get some
chuckles and a pie in the face.
- When you see a guilty party
chasing Laurel, chasing Hardy
- Call in the Keystone Cops.
When it comes to Sanford
we are really the best
If you like a latch
only we pass the test.
- When you find that
Mr. Fields is chasing Mae West
- Call in the Keystone Cops.
Call in the Keystone Cops.
- Ooh yesterday afternoon a
man broke into my apartment.
A total stranger.
This morning he
left a good friend.
- Ollie, that apple you
ate had a worm in it.
- Well why didn't
you say something?
- Well I did but I guess
the worm didn't hear me.
- Sarah, I've often wondered
what old comics wear
under baggy pants.
- Baggy underwear?
- Hey captain, I
think it'd be nice
if along the way you'd tell us
some of the points of interest.
- Okay let's start with the
broad in the second row.
She's got hearing and all.
Let her mother worry.
- Well here we
are in sunny Spain.
- Say would you
have a 10 for 10 ones?
- Why certainly here's my 10.
- That's terrific.
Here's one, two, three,
how old's your oldest kid?
- Seven
- Seven, eight,
nine, 10, thanks.
- Hello Lou.
- Hi there.
Have you got a
10 for 10 singles?
- Oh I think so - Good.
- There's my 10.
- Alright, one, two,
three, four, five,
how old's your oldest kid?
- Two - Two, two, three,
wait a minute I
got more in here.
Four, five, six, seven,
what's your wife's birthday?
- The second.
- Second, two, two, four
- File those under F.
Entrez vous.
Pure loveliness.
- Hiya big boy.
I'm here to see about
the secretarial job.
- Ah yes the secretarial job.
Well congratulations my dear.
It was a very hard
choice but you have to job.
- Aren't you interested
in my shorthand.
- Not the shorthand dear, no,
those long luscious legs.
- Well tell me
what will I be doing
around the (drum roll) office?
- Mostly running.
- Oh please.
Your compromising me.
- Don't flatter yourself
I was trying to
guess your weight.
- Oh I don't think
this job is for me.
- Ah my dear this
job pays 600 dineros
plus a two months paid vacation.
- When do I start?
- Immediately
my dear, el pronto.
- Good, we'll begin
with the vacation.
See you in two months big boy.
- Just a minute my dear.
- And when I come
back we'll discuss
the possible raise not
to mention other benefits.
- Other benefits?
- I told you not to
mention it big boy.
- Ah so you did.
Sorry about that.
- Sarah in the 1920s
a really famous
old silent comedian
was brought to trial.
- What was he
charged with Patti?
- I don't know but the judge
really threw the pie at him.
- You know Ollie,
I've often wondered
what that little
yellow light was for.
- Don't you know anything.
That is so no one
will bump into this.
- Well then what's that for?
- You are so stupid.
That is to hold up
the little yellow light.
- That's perfectly clear.
Let's go get something to eat.
- Very well.
- You know what I say
to Wilt Chamberlain?
Why don't you come
down and see me sometime.
- Our next attraction
is Bubbles LaTousse.
- Hey Abbott.
- Hello Lou.
- Say the bandleader
just told me a great story.
You want to hear it?
- Well that's a wonderful idea
the show's
getting a little slow.
You go ahead and tell
it and I'll wait over here.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I need your help
to tell this one.
- I don't know the story.
- Well I'm gonna tell you.
- Well if you tell me the story,
they're gonna hear it
and it isn't gonna
get funny that way.
- I'll just tell you the
punchline you see.
I'll tell you the whole story
and then I'll just tell
you the punchline.
- And I help you with the story?
- Right.
- What do I do?
- Well I say to you
I just bought a dog.
You say to me
does he chase rats?
And then I'll give
the funny line,
the audience will scream
and holler and laugh.
- You're gonna give
the funny line after I say.
- I give it after I
say - I have one line.
- Right one line,
does he chase rats.
- I came up here
just to do the one line.
It says Abbott and
Costello out front.
It doesn't say
Costello and friend.
- Look it's not the whole
career this one story.
I just wanna tell the one story.
- Does he chase rats?
- Yes I say to you
I just bought a dog.
You say to me
does he chase rats?
Okay.
- Just bought a dog, right.
- Okay, right?
Hiya there bud.
- I just bought a dog.
- No no no you don't understand.
I say I just bought a dog.
You say to me
does he chase rats,
then I give the funny line.
- That's right.
I got it wrong.
- Okay here we go.
Hello Abbott.
- Hello Lou how are you?
- Fine.
- Haven't seen you for awhile.
- No well I've been at-
- Funny running into
here in Cleveland.
- All you do is say
one line after I say
I just bought a dog.
- I know but when two
friends meet on the street
they just don't
start talking about-
- Pretend we just
saw each other.
- Oh.
- Alright.
- Okay - Okay, here we go.
Hello Abbott.
- Nice to see you again.
- Thank you.
Listen I just bought a dog.
- No kidding.
What kind of dog did you get?
I love dogs.
- That doesn't
help the story at all.
(both talking at once)
Alright it was a collie.
What's the difference?
- Oh they're beautiful dogs.
- Yeah I'm glad you like them.
- I love collies.
Lassie's a collie.
- I'm glad to hear that.
- You could train a collie.
- You could probably.
I just wanna tell
this one story though.
(both talking at once)
- Hi Abbott.
I just bought a collie.
- How much did he cost?
You know I understand-
- That has absolutely
nothing to do with the story.
(both talking at once)
Alright it was $100.
- You spent $100 for a collie?
- Sure.
- Couldn't have
been a purebred dog.
- It doesn't matter whether
he's purebred or not.
- Probably has something
wrong with his hip.
- Nothing's wrong with his hip.
Just pretend he's
a perfect collie.
- Perfect collie for $100?
- Alright let's say the guy
didn't know what he was doing.
(both talking at once)
- I just bought a dog, you
say does he chase rats
and I'll give the funny line.
Alright, here we go.
Hey Abbott.
I just bought a collie for $100.
- Where did you get $100?
I saw you not too long ago
and asked you for 50 bucks-
- Boy you remind me of my uncle.
- Does he chase rats?
- I'm going home.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Oh pilot, I don't
have a safety belt.
- That's too bad.
I had one in the
bar before we left.
- Well you're a caution.
- Beer for a $1.19,
you're lucky we took off
and I'm not taking another
thing off until I get $3
- Some great old jokes
really came out of vaudeville.
I wonder where the new
ones are coming from.
- Congress
(rising sound effect)
- Yes indeed my
dear always remember
a chastity belt is the drink
that gives a girl the
strength to say no.
- If you catch a fella
starting after Rowan
and from Martin, call
in the Keystone cops.
Call in the Keystone cops.
- Hi, Cathy coming to you
from the steam room again.
Well wonders never cease.
You'd never think that
even in a room like this,
there's still a few guys
who run out of steam.
- Oh California's
a wonderful place.
You know the other day
here in the San Fernando Valley
they chopped down a liquor store
and planted an orange tree.
- You boys are filthy, bad,
stupid and not
to mention, rotten.
- Rotten?
(fires machine gun at him)
- Told you not to mention it.
- All he said was rotten.
(fires machine gun)
- I'm not talking.
- Say do you know the average
hospital costs is $92 a day?
Boy I tell you that's a
enough to make you well.
(uptempo dance music)
(musical fanfare)
- Thought we wouldn't
make it didn't you?
- Good evening ladies and germs.
- Oh we're here.
Hey it's time once again
for the Rowan and
Martin Hoopy Award.
- And what fine fellow gets the
fascinating phalange tonight.
- Oh you've been
taking elocution lessons.
- So have I.
- I'm gonna tell you who
gets the Hoopy award.
It's Mason Lustig who
lives in New York City.
- He gets an award for
living in New York City?
- Well he probably
should but this award
is for successfully enrolling
in the welfare program.
- What's such a
big deal about that?
- Well let me show you.
If this young fella
will come in here.
- Dear me what
a nice little fellow.
- You see Mason's a Great Dane
and Mrs. Lustig in New York City
has enrolled her dog
Mason, a Great Dane
in the Medicaid welfare program.
- Why did she do that?
Is the dog too sick
to enroll himself?
- No she was just
trying to prove a point.
Thank you sir.
You see the point is
there's an incredible amount
of inefficiency in the
administration of welfare.
- In other words,
the welfare program
is going to the dogs.
- And so is our Hoopy award.
- Wait a minute, shouldn't it go
to the dog's owner Mrs. Lustig?
- Well actually
you're probably right
but it's possible
that Mrs. Lustig
might not be
around to receive it
you see, she has
a little problem.
- She started chasing cars.
- No the Secretary of
Health, Education and Welfare
immediately announced plans
to prosecute Mrs.
Lustig for fraud
so our Hoopy award
goes to Mason,
a great Great Dane
who simultaneously
fooled the welfare department
and put his owner
in the dog house.
- Here you are Mason, fetch.
- Ryan O'Neal doesn't
want to get married
but he's living together.
- Hey man I don't
like the position
they assigned me to
on the baseball team.
- What are you?
- Home plate.
(uptempo instrumental music)
- Carol I notice every week
on your show you tug on your ear
- Yes I do.
- I've seen you do that.
That's a signal to
your grandmother
that everything is fine?
- Yeah, you notice I'm
not doing it on this show.
- Hi there, Cathy back again
and still in the steam room.
Wouldn't it seem
to you that after
spending so much
time in a room like this
that these guys
would be familiar
with their surroundings?
Boy you'd be surprised
at how many of them
are still feeling
their way around.
- The Los Angeles
Chamber of Commerce
has come up with the solution
to the whole problem out here.
We're still going to have smog
but it's going to be medicated.
That is true.
They are adding menthol.
It will still give
you sinus trouble
but it will also cure it.
- When did you first
decide you wanted to fly?
- They finally talked me into it
about two hours ago and
it seems like yesterday.
You remember what a
lousy day yesterday was.
- Mirror mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest one of all?
- [Mirror] You are sir.
- Hey I know this real big phony
who bought himself
a fake natural.
Now he goes around
acting like a big wig.
- I'm telling you senator
if you really want
to win this election
you've gotta be able to identify
with all kinds of people.
- But there are so
many different types.
- That doesn't matter.
If they're farmers,
you grew up on a farm.
If they're for the
war, you're a veteran.
If they're against the war,
you're a conscientious objector.
Just be whatever they are.
- Yes I think you're right.
I'll try it.
- Senator there's some
people here to see you
from Gay Liberation.
- Well don't just sit
there you silly goose,
hand me my purse.
- Hey garcon.
- What do you want?
- Garcon, I'll have the
same thing he's having.
- That sounds good
I'll have one too.
- Don't forget mine.
- Well of course.
Better make it three of those.
- I'll have three too.
- Three, two, that makes five.
- I'll have the same thing.
- Good, we'll both have that.
- Have what?
- Well we've ordered 10 drinks
and he hasn't brought
one of them yet.
- Let's go someplace else.
- Good.
(falling sound effect)
Hey this looks
like a nice place.
Maybe we'll have
better luck ordering here.
- [Ruth] Okay, hey garcon,
I'll have whatever he's having.
(pouring wine on them)
- [Dick] Hey he gave
us the good stuff.
(Ruth laughing)
- Say ahh.
- Why can't you behave
nice like your brother?
That's my boy.
(uptempo zany music)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- My back is killing me.
- Why what happened?
- I got in an argument
with a contortionist
and I tried to see
things her way.
- Well why don't you folks
try to see things
our way next week
when our guests will be-
Our guest star is Lucie Arnaz
and our cameos Rich
Little and Ross Martin
with all of our regular coo coos
- [Dick] And me Dick Martin.
- [Dan] I included you
when I said regular coo coos.
Oh looks like a
show you should like.
- Great show.
- Hope your back
fixes itself up.
- Thank you.
- You'll never do it alone.
- Never.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Jump (falling sound effect)
Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Adios Dickondo
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- [All] Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(bell ringing)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Thank you.
He's a wonderful fellow.
- Who asked you.
- I'll punch your eye.
(falling sound effect)
- That'll teach him.
I'm the real Ollie.
Perhaps now you recognize me.
(moderate instrumental music)
(horn honking)
(falling sound effect)
(woman sobbing)