Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 10 - Episode #6.10 - full transcript
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh In.
(musical flourish)
(audience applauds)
- Oh, thank you.
You're more than kind.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, Miss Vicki
thanks you, too.
- Hey, we're really excited
about tonight's guest.
- I guess so. One of the
stars of The Godfather.
- Ladies and gentlemen, a
great actor, Mr. James Caan.
- Ya-Hay!
Woo-hoo!
Wo-ho!
- Good evening.
Pleasure to be here tonight.
- Oh, wow, we're
glad to have you.
Jim, I've been dying
to ask you a question.
You know, in The Godfather
there was so much violence
and brutality.
Did it disturb you at all?
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's just a question of
controlling your emotions.
- Controlling your emotions?
- Yeah, as an actor,
you learn to do this.
- Well, it's a good
thing because this show
is more violent
than most, you know.
- I mean, a good actor
can control his emotions,
no matter what's going on, see.
Like with me, well I,
I concentrate on
a tranquil scene.
See, the birds.
(woman bites and crunches)
Wind blowing, a running
brook. (punch lands)
Birds and love and peace.
- Hey, baby.
(boings)
- Oh, trees and beauty and love.
And, well... (water splashes)
beauty, tranquility,
peace.
- Jim, that is amazing.
- Oh.
- I mean, that control
of yours is incredible.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
Is it all over now?
- Why, of course.
- Oh, thank heavens.
(punch lands)
(fabric rips)
(audience applauds)
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Peace Corps
and Hand Grenade Mart, NBC,
the nude but cautious network,
brings you Rowan
& Martin's Laugh In,
starring the intrepid Dan Rowan,
and the decrepit Dick Martin,
with guest star, James Caan,
plus Ruth Buzzy,
Dennis Allen, Moosie
Drier and Todd Bass,
Patti Deutsch,
Sarah Kennedy,
Jed Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Cathy Swier,
Ian Bernard and
his Band of Lies,
the beautiful downtown
Burbank beauties,
with cameos by Bob Crane,
Nanette Fabray, Della Reese,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice
for all of you
kleptomaniacs out there.
See if you can pick
me up a transistor radio.
Thank you.
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall Letula Gay
Remember how we
opened with the animal act
Somebody barked,
somebody quacked
- Where are ya?
- Here I am.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ah.
- Well, let me ask ya,
what religion doesn't allow
people to stand up in the pews?
- I don't know, what Jim?
- The holy roller coasters.
- Hey!
What did the race track man say
when he got married at
the Camptown Races?
- What?
- I doo-dah.
- What king married
several wives
and then married a banana?
- Gee, I don't know. Who?
- Henry the ape.
- Oh, I'm really sad.
- Why Ruthie?
- My uncle fell asleep in
his waterbed with a cigarette
and he punched himself to death.
- Dennis!
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Dennis!
Dennis.
- What?
I was in my dressing room.
- Thank goodness.
Were you ever beaten
by the Marquis de Sade?
- I never had the pleasure.
- Take that.
- Hey Jed?
- Yeah, Donna, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm right here.
- Hey, who walked across
the country planting trees
until he got beaten to a pulp?
- I don't know. Who?
- Johnny applesauce.
- I got it! I got it!
Hey, who is my partner?
Caroline, come over here.
All right.
Now, who has a lot of animals?
- Yeah.
- Sings hi-ho-the-derry-o,
and makes a terrific
pastrami sandwich?
- I don't know. Who?
- The farmer in the deli.
- Hey, hey, what candy bar
used to be an attorney general?
- I don't know. What candy bar?
- Who.
- Who? What?
- Ramsey Clark bar.
- What do you want, Jim?
- Hey, Dennis.
Hey.
- Yeah?
- Dennis?
- What?
- Who rules a mythical
kingdom from a rowboat?
- Who?
- The wizard of oars.
- Ruthie?
- Yeah!
- Who said, who said give
me liberty or give me a broad?
- I don't know. Who?
- Patrick Henry Kissinger.
Let's clear the gangway
for Eva Tangway
Do you remember
Vaudeville, oh yeah
Do you remember Vaudeville
(audience applauds)
- Hi. It's time to hit
the road with Cathy.
And this week, Laugh
In has me visiting
the Sunny Bottom
Nudist Colony to find out
why people like to
go around in the buff.
Frankly, after having
been here a week,
I must say that it all
depends on how you look at it.
(silly music)
(drumming chest)
- [Gary] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
- Will you stop yelling oh, oh?
- They think it's Buddy Lester.
- Yes.
Thank you very much. That
was a very warm welcome.
Welcome to another Laugh
In. You ready for a big night?
- All things are ready
if our minds be so.
William Shakespeare.
- Yeah. Hey, I think we got a
great show tonight because...
- They never fail who
die for a great cause.
Lord Byron.
- Excuse me. Okay, what
are you talking about?
- Well, I am drawing
on my vast residual
storehouse of memorable
quotes, quoth he.
- Would you repeat that?
- Not when I got it right
the first time, I won't.
- You cost me $20.
What's this, what's all
the quotes? What is that?
- Unbeknownst to you.
- Unbeknownst to me.
- These past years, I have been
collecting and studying
quotations by famous people.
- I've been wondering
what you've been doing.
What do you call a fella
who collects quotations?
- A quotation collector.
- Good name, yes.
- Right.
- That's, er, you're
a quotation collector.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- May I quote you on that?
- Yeah, well, it must
take a lot of time.
- Yes, unquote.
I spend most of my time
poring through history books.
- Is that right?
- Reference material,
encyclopedias,
and I read a lot of stuff, too.
- You read a lot of stuff?
Yes, I think you're
making this all up.
- Well, by doubting we
come to the truth. Cicero.
- Uh-huh, okay.
Who said, damn the
torpedoes, full speed ahead?
- John Cameron Swayze.
And it was still ticking.
- All right, now I'm
gonna try you once more.
Who said, nothing is so
good as it seems beforehand?
- I think it was
Ernest Borgnine.
- Oh, no, come on. Ernie
Borgnine didn't say that.
- Is that so?
- That is so.
- Well, was it not President
Theodore Roosevelt
who said, walk softly
and carry a big stick?
- As a matter of fact, it was.
- Was it not President
Kennedy who said,
ask not what your
country can do for you...
- But what you can do for
your, everyone knows that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Do you know what
President Eisenhower said
at Palm Springs?
- No.
- He said, mind
if I play through?
- I don't want to hear
anymore of your quotes.
- What did Thomas Edison say
when he invented the light bulb?
- What did Thomas Edison say
when he invented the light bulb?
- He said, sure, but
how do I blow it out?
- Oh, he did not.
- And then, when landing at
Orley Field in Paris in 1927,
Charles Augustus
Lindbergh said...
- Charles Augustus.
- I just got here and
already my luggage is lost.
- He didn't say that.
I got a quote for you.
- What?
- It's time for the quote,
cocktail party, unquote.
- Okay, quote.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- Hey, Sarah.
- Yeah?
- Why am I yelling?
I don't know.
Anyway, I hear President
Nixon is planning to fly to Cuba,
and I'm worried.
- Why are you worried, Jimmie?
- I'll tell ya.
- Okay.
- What if the plane is
hijacked to Washington?
- Hey, Ruthie.
Ruthie.
This'll kill ya. Honest.
Our town is so small,
same operator has to handle
Dial-A-Prayer and
the correct time.
Hey, Ruth.
- Huh?
- I called her just a
minute ago, and she said,
glory be to heaven, it's 8:15.
- Quiet, quiet, let's
move around and mix.
- Look, I'll mix, but you
gotta do the moving around.
- Hey, Elise, do you believe
in giving your
clothes to Goodwill?
- Of course I do.
- Well, give me your clothes
and you'll create a
lot of goodwill with me.
- You know, I just bought a car
completely made of
recycled beer cans.
And the only trouble
is, every time I start it,
it rolls into the gutter.
- You know, Sarah.
- Yeah?
- I heard a rumor that
Twiggy is going topless.
- How can you tell?
- Patty?
- Hmm?
- How come the
Jewish people think
that chicken soup
cures everything?
- Oh, well, have you ever
seen a chicken with a bad cold?
- You know, I, oh dear,
I just saw one of those
Italian westerns, you see.
- Yeah?
- And they've really
toned down the violence.
- Yeah, what'd they do?
- Well, ya see.
- What?
- The two cowboys came
out of a pizzeria, see,
onto the street, and they
breathed on one another.
- Oh!
- Hey, Will, I just met the head
of the black gay
liberation movement.
- Oh yeah? Is he a Uncle Tom?
- No, more of an Aunt Jemimah.
- I just bought a million
dollar life insurance policy.
Now with my luck, I won't die.
- Ack.
- Oh, hi. For me?
- No.
- Oh.
- Listen, Jim, I read
somewhere that fat women
combine a greater need for food
with a greater desire for sex.
- Did ya?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, well then, a midnight
snack at Totie Field's
must really be something.
(audience applauds)
- Your attention, please.
Will the woman with
the enlarged nostrils
kindly return the
two tennis balls?
Thank you.
- But sister, it is true
you made scrambled eggs
for breakfast every
day this week.
- I know, but they don't
have to keep calling me
the Frying Nun.
- Here's a tip for my
black brothers and sisters
who want to save money
getting a natural hairdo.
Simply, stick your index
finger in a light socket.
- You see that tall
buildin' over there?
That's the Empire
State Building.
That's the tallest
building in the world.
- Well, what's that there,
er, shorter building next to it?
- I imagine that's the outhouse.
- We were originally going
to do my old TV series
about a prison camp in Japan.
It was going to be
called Hogan's Hirohitos.
- Hey, partner,
Indians do that to you?
- No, I was trying
to commit suicide
and I couldn't find my rifle.
- Hi. Well, here I am
again at Camp Whoopee.
And there's one guy here
I've just got to tell you about.
He's got the most unusual
job I've ever heard of.
Every morning he gets up
two hours before breakfast
and warms up the metal
chairs in the dining room.
- There are two basic
reasons why I love the opera.
First, because it
reflects the joy and agony
of human existence, and second,
because I love to
see fat women sing.
- Do you know, I was falsely
convicted of being a witch?
- By whom?
- A jury of six frogs
and five lizards.
- What seems to be
your trouble, miss?
- Oh, doctor, I have
a frog in my throat.
- Oh. Take two flies and
call me in the morning.
- This is Laugh In.
And I'm telling my jokes
tonight in sign language,
you know, so that people
with a hearing handicap
can laugh along
with the rest of us.
Huh?
Or not laugh along
with the rest of us.
- Sorry, lady, but in order
for you to go through customs,
you're gonna have to
be searched by a matron.
Right this way, please.
You can take your
clothes off behind there.
Are you ready?
- [Sarah] Ready.
- Set, go.
- I've been in here six months
and my case still
hasn't come up in court.
Boy, the way the court
calendars are backed up
is just terrible.
What are you in here for?
- Swearing on the Sabbath.
- What are you making?
- Ah, that's a henway.
- No, kiddin'.
What's a henway?
- Oh, about a pound and a half.
(rimshot)
With stuffing,
about three pounds.
(rimshot)
- Oh, look at
this, a rotten one.
Hi.
- Hello.
How are you?
- I'm fine.
- That's a very, very nice
looking bunch of pansies
over there.
I'd like to buy one.
- Yes, they're lovely.
No, I'm sorry, madame,
they're not for sale.
They just work here.
- Did you hear about
poor Mary Alden?
- No, what about her?
- Well, she was caught
talking to a Red Coat.
- That's treason.
- No, insanity.
- Insanity?
- Insanity.
There was no one in it. She
was just talking to a red coat.
- Hey, Todd, do you like school?
- You bet I do. Do
you like school?
- I love school.
Do you feel funny
when you tell a lie?
- Okay, Brannigan, we've
got the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
- [Brannigan] I told ya, copper,
I'm only coming
out on one condition.
- No chance.
- [Brannigan] You gotta do it.
- Look, you know I can't do it.
- [Brannigan] All right, then,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
I'm gonna start shootin'.
- All right, all right,
Brannigan, I'll do it.
Did your mother
come from Ireland
- This is what I get for
going steady with a witch.
Thanks a lot.
- Oh, now you're complaining.
How 'bout all those
nights we went riding
and you tried to get me into
the backseat of the broom?
- Hey, Moosie, the
circus is coming to town,
and I'm gonna spend
my whole allowance
on all the rides and
all the sideshows.
How about you?
- Oh, not me, Todd. That's
a foolish waste of money.
I'd rather spend mine
on something sensible.
- Like what?
- Cotton candy and a pickle.
- Anybody ever
escape from this joint?
- Yeah, one guy
came close one time.
- Yeah?
- Made it across the
courtyard, past the guard dogs,
over the wall, through
the heavy machine gun fire.
He battled through the swamp,
past the alligators
and the piranhas.
He finally managed
to drag himself
over the electrified
barbed wire fence out there.
And then he made
one little mistake.
- Oh, yeah? What was that?
- He came back
after his toothbrush.
- You see Jack
Durant the other night?
- Yeah, he said if he
could walk that way,
he wouldn't need talcum powder.
- Dan?
- Huh?
- Remember, this is
National Bad Manners Week.
- So?
- So shut up!
- Beverly Hills is so rich,
they have fire
boxes all over town.
And they have a sign which says,
in case of fire, break crystal.
- Donna Jean, that's no way
to carry something
in a wheelbarrow.
- It isn't?
- No, stupid, you're
supposed to turn the thing
rightside up.
- Aw, that's the third
one I lost this week.
- What'll it be Mr. Askin?
- Oh, I'll have the usual.
- Not tonight, I
have a headache.
- Then bring me a drink.
(rimshot)
- You know what? I discovered
the secret of eternal youth.
- Well that's
terrible, you look old.
- Well, I discovered
it a long time ago.
- Oh.
- Oh, what a cute, little baby.
Goochie, goochie, coo.
You know, he looks
exactly like his father.
- Oh, that's what everyone says.
Don't they bob-a-wuja?
- Knock it...
Would you mind,
please? That's it.
- Babba-Doody.
- Okay, that does it. That's it.
That does it. I'm leaving.
- My baby.
- Hey Jimmie?
- Huh?
- You look exhausted.
What's the matter?
- I didn't sleep
at all last night.
- [Dick] What's the matter?
- Well, I went out to dinner
and I mixed German food
with Japanese food and I was up
interrogating myself all night.
- Oh, that'll do it.
- All right, this is a stick
up. Close your eyes.
- Why should I close my eyes?
- I'm so broke, I
couldn't afford a mask.
You haven't got a black
bra on ya, have you?
- Hey, Patty, where ya
going with that lampshade
on your head?
- Oh, it's doctors orders.
- What's the doctor say?
- He said take two lightbulbs
and call him in the morning.
- Ah-Ha!
- Hi. Still looking into things
here at the nudist colony.
As a matter of
fact, I just went out
and interviewed
some new arrivals.
You know, new members
are a snap to spot.
See? They're the ones
without the grass stains.
- Want ad.
Owner of a large tent
would like to join up
with a sword swallower,
a bearded woman,
tattooed man, and a fat lady.
Huh?
Object, a very unusual weekend.
- Hey, Clarabelle?
- Hmm?
- What's that o'er there?
- Oh, that there's the
Staten Island ferry.
- No, no, no, not
him. I mean that boat.
- Hey, you crushed my tobaccy.
- Hey Lester, did you
know that police dogs
are being trained
for airline work
and some of them
are pretty good.
- Yeah, man, but they
still stealin' a lot of drinks.
Move your lips, man, it looks
like I'm doing all the work.
- A lady in here the other
night had seven drinks
and then started
taking her clothes off
and running all over the place.
So I called the police.
I mean, she kept
getting in the way
of our topless waitresses.
- Are they still out there?
- Nah, just some wild crickets.
(gun fires)
- Okay, men, fall in.
It's time for roll call.
Company, ten hut.
Come on, snap to, here.
Anderson.
- Here!
- Brooklyn.
Brooklyn.
- Oh, here.
- Sir.
- Yeah.
- Sir.
All right, stand at ease, men.
I need one of you men to go
on a very dangerous mission.
Which one of you is it gonna be?
- Him.
- Him.
- Now that's no attitude
for a gung-ho group like this.
I'm gonna ask you
again. Who's it gonna be?
- You.
- You.
- That does it.
I'm obviously gonna have
to decide this one for myself.
- Hey, you can't send me.
I got a wife and three
kids back in the states.
Send him.
- No, wait a minute.
I got a wife, three kids,
and a sick mother. Send him.
- I've got a wife, three
kids, a sick mother,
and a no-good bum of a father.
Send him.
- Now listen.
One of you men is
gonna go on this mission,
and that's an order.
The mission is simply
a rescue operation.
The enemy is holding a
sex-starved nurse captive.
- Oh, I'll go!
- I'll go, I'll go.
- I'll go!
- I'll go, I'll go.
- I swear I'll go.
- I will go.
- What about your
wife and kids at home?
- Who?
(punch lands)
Well, looks like
it's me, lieutenant.
- All right, brave boy.
- Yes, sir. Now, I'll go.
I wanna know, how am
I gonna recognize this
sex-starved nurse?
- Well, it's gonna be
easy for ya, Brooklyn,
because you'll be
there with her three kids,
her husband, a sick mother,
and a no-good bum of a father.
- Right.
Well, go get 'em tiger.
- Well, don't blame me
for playing in a comedy
about a German
prisoner of war camp.
After all, I was only
following orders.
(punch lands)
- You know, I read some
scandalous, vicious gossip
about me in one of those
cheap movie magazines,
and I have just one
thing to say about those
wild, filthy rumors.
Thank you.
(car careening and crashing)
- Here is one of life's...
I'll try that again, okay?
Swell.
Here's life's...
Here we go.
Okay.
Here is one of life's
comforting facts.
If Ethel Merman
ever comes back to...
Are you ready?
Just stand here and giggle.
Here is one of life's
comforting facts.
If Ethel Merman ever
comes to your town to sing,
you'll hear about it.
(musical flourish)
- Hey, Moosie, why is Dan Rowan?
- I don't know, why?
- Because he doesn't
got a motor on his boat.
- I remember the first
time my singing drew
an appreciative crowd.
I had forgotten to
close the shower curtain.
- Well, now, I know that
tonight in the question
and answer section of the
show, you're all going to have
a lot of questions about
Thanksgiving because, actually,
Thanksgiving is upon us.
And we all know how it started.
Now would you like to
ask any questions at all
about how we intend
to spend Thanksgiving
among ourselves, or what, um,
what Dick's planning
for Thanksgiving,
or, um, because Thanksgiving
is a typical American holiday.
You know, there's no
other country in the world...
- Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho.
Happy Thanksgiving
and ho, ho, ho.
- Oh, I heard your ho, ho.
- I've got two more ho's.
Ho, ho.
- I'm certainly glad I waited
around for those ho, ho's.
- It's a good ho.
- Dick, you are either the
stupidest person in the world,
or you're a complete fool.
- Well, now, don't keep me
in suspense. Which one is it?
- Why in the world would
you wear a Santa Claus suit
for Thanksgiving?
- Well, that's simple.
They were all out of
Easter Bunny suits.
Some big guy named John
Wayne came in, got the last one.
- It is not germane.
- Germane?
- No, it's not...
- Achtung me de fleig!
- No, no, it isn't relevant.
- I didn't bring any
of my relevance here.
- No, Dick, we're talking
about Thanksgiving.
It began with the pilgrims.
You know anything
about the pilgrims?
- Pilgrims.
- Pilgrims.
- That's the way
you should be attired.
- I'm-a not a-tired.
I got-a plenty rest.
That's better than
achtung me de fleig.
- It certainly is.
I didn't know I had
that kind of a choice.
You got anything in the sack?
- You want to come out in
the hall and ask me that?
- Oh, no.
- As a matter of fact, I
have some things in here
I'm gonna cook for
Thanksgiving dinner.
- Yeah? What have ya got?
- Well, I got potatoes.
I got corn.
- Good.
- Peas.
- Good.
- And my pet turkey.
- Your pet turkey.
Now how can you
possibly eat your pet turkey?
- Well, I didn't have enough
hamsters to go around.
- Oh.
I just don't believe it.
- You're right. Actually, I
went out and shot a turkey.
- Oh, really? Was it wild?
- Well, it was a
little miffed, yes.
I figure you would be, too.
- What are you gonna
stuff your turkey with?
- What are you talking about?
I got one that's full already.
It's been eating
out there for a week.
Eats a person out
of house and home.
- If you wait a minute, I
got another question for ya.
- All right, go ahead.
- Do you use giblets
in your dressing?
- No, I couldn't do
that to the little fellas.
- No giblets?
- I use the whole gib.
I'm so smart, da-da-da Giblet.
- No, no.
- Oh, that's a goblet.
- You don't know anything
about good turkey stuffing.
- No, but I'm pretty good
at horseshoe pitchin'.
- You know what
puzzles me, folks,
is why would an intelligent,
full-grown man, as I am,
spend all this time talking to
a nut in a Santa Claus suit?
- That's not a Santa Claus suit.
This is a Santa Claus suit.
Huh, huh, huh.
Now, let's look at our
salute to Thanksgiving.
(audience applauds)
Ho, ho, ho!
We're taking a day off
To add up each blessing
To wolf down some turkey
And gobble the dressing
Give praise for our
standard of living
Give thanks for this
day of Thanksgiving
Thank you, Mark Spitz,
for performing so well
Thank you, Ralph Nader,
you've really been swell
Thanks Mother Nature
for making Raquel
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thanks, Bobby
Fisher, for being intense
Thanks, William Conrad,
for staying immense
Thank you, Mercedes,
for making your Benz
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thanks, rapid transit,
computers, and jets
Thanks for the time
they can save ya
Taking for granted
the things we possess
Isn't the proper behavior
Thanks, Marlon Brando,
for acting so tough
Thank you, Burt Reynolds,
for showing your stuff
Thank you, Jane Fonda,
but enough is enough
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, Burt Bacharach,
for all of your ditties
And Pablo Picasso
for all of your pretties
And thank you, Mick
Jagger, for rolling them stones
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, thank you
We're taking a day off
To add up each blessing
And give everybody our thanks
(audience applauds)
- You know, on the
first Thanksgiving,
the pilgrims shared
with the Indians,
they ate with the Indians,
celebrated with the Indians.
- Yup, and the
second Thanksgiving,
they did exactly the same thing.
Except they left
the Indians out.
- Let's all be thankful for
the roof over our heads
and the food on our table.
(wood cracking)
- I had Thanksgiving dinner
at a famous surgeon's house,
and it was disgusting.
After he carved the turkey,
he removed his liver and onions.
- Here you are, honey.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- I thought you said we were
gonna have something special
for Thanksgiving.
This is nothin' but leftovers.
- Oh, yeah, but they're
leftover from last Thanksgiving.
- Oh, that was
supposed to be dessert.
- I had Thanksgiving
dinner in a topless restaurant.
Wouldn't you know it,
the breast of turkey
had silicone injections.
- Hey, mom.
- Hello, dear.
Well, Johnny, it's Thanksgiving
and you've got a
lot to be thankful for.
- No, I don't. I hate turkey,
I hate cranberry sauce.
I hate pumpkin pie. What
have I got to be thankful for?
(pan crashes)
- You can be thankful you've
got a mother who loves you.
- For Thanksgiving
dinner, we all got together
and gave my grandmother a goose.
Boy, was she surprised.
And next year, we're
gonna get her a turkey.
- That is why, my son,
we celebrate Thanksgiving,
to pay tribute to all the
wonderful and fine things
that Mother Nature has provided.
The birds, the trees,
just all those wonderful
things of nature.
Huh?
- Uh-huh.
Dad, wait, where ya going?
- Oh, I have to go chop
off the turkey's head.
- At the first Thanksgiving,
the white man
invited the Indians
to turkey dinner.
- Yeah, and they've been
giving them the bird ever since.
- Ah, yes, we have so
much to be thankful for.
- What do you mean
thankful, ya dummy?
We have a lousy job.
We live in this dump.
- Well, I think I'll
carve the turkey now.
- Oh, you think you
can, ya blockhead?
Even with that new
electric carving knife,
I bet you're a clutz.
You better let me do it, here.
(electricity buzzes)
- Yes, we have so
much to be thankful for.
- Jim.
- Huh?
- What's the worst thing
about eating turkey?
- Oh, the big hole it
leaves next to Syria.
We just took a day off
To add up each blessing
And give everybody our thanks
(audience applauds)
- I've worked so many
smoke-filled nightclubs
that every time we have a
smog alert, I burst into song.
- How would you like
to buy this building?
- Hey, what do you take us for?
You must think
we're outta our minds.
What's a matter with you?
- Yeah, we're only
gonna be here a week.
- Okay, how 'bout renting it?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Cathy again from
Camp Sunny Bottom,
with more results
from my survey.
Well, you know, so
far, I've discovered
that the favorite sport
here at the colony
seems to be touch football.
Actually, the games aren't much,
but ooh, those
huddles are fantastic.
Announcement.
The man who wrote
the song, Beautiful Ohio,
well he killed himself last
week after he visited Cleveland.
(gong clangs)
- Please send to me
the new school teacher,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(gong clangs)
- Hi, hi, hi. Here I
am, your majesty.
Getting to know you.
- Send in to me, please,
the new school teacher.
- But I am the new
school teacher.
- Please send in to
me the executioner.
- That does it. I didn't
come here to be insulted.
I'm a teacher.
- You know, you're, er,
you're kind of cute
when you're angry.
Come to me, round eyes, huh?
- What about your 27 children?
- They can find their own
broads, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.
- I came here to teach.
- Yes, good, good, good.
Yes, you teach to
me, er, sex education.
I want to find out where all
them kids are coming from.
- Oh, in that case,
shall we dance?
You lead.
(audience applauds)
- Did I tell ya my
wife was effeminate?
(silly music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
whole information
In a way we hope will amuse you
La-da-dee-da
What's the news
today and tomorrow
We have got the joy and sorrow
And we'd love to
give you our views
La-da-dee-da
Ladies and gents we're
peeling down to our shoes
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news
With Dick and Dan
They're Dickie and Dan
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the Laugh In news
with the lighthouse
guiding ships,
Mayor Orty taking trips,
Flip Wilson buying slips,
and here comes Raquel
Welch, dig those hips.
And now with the news, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- First, these news headlines.
- Dr. Christian Bernard slips
during transplant operation.
Patient heartbroken.
- Judge sentences pregnant
woman to 30 days' hard labor.
- City of Long Beach
exhibits Queen Elizabeth.
Prince Philip embarrassed.
- And here, for those of you
who don't like the present
news, is Dick Martin.
- I thought I was supposed
to do the present news.
- You're doing it.
- Oh. Okay, but it
better not happen again.
The annual auction was
held on Fire Island today
and the first item sold
was the auctioneer.
I rather like that one.
A strange crime was
committed in Burbank today
when a woman married to a midget
wanted to get rid of
him for the insurance.
Quite ingeniously, she
placed her midget husband
in a Mix Master
and set it for widow.
- Please continue to read.
- Excuse me.
The police later found his body
in the third layer of
an upside down cake.
And now here's
Dean with the Dan,
here's Dan with the dew.
- You were doing all
right, right up 'till then.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- I don't know what it is.
Must be a mental block.
News of the future,
20 years from now,
a new six-dollar bill
has just been issued
by the Treasury in the
hopes of reviving the economy.
The bill is a combination
of the one dollar
and the five dollar bills.
It features a picture of Lincoln
putting a damp cloth on
Washington's forehead.
- And now, for this
week's book review,
here's this week's book
reviewer, Ruth Buzzy.
- I have just read How to
Improve Your Memory, by
oh, I've forgotten
who wrote the book.
Well, anyway, it's
published by, um,
well this is silly.
Well, anyway, you
can't mistake the book.
It's a big, red thing. Or
was it green and small?
Oh, wait. Green and
Small are the publishers.
Or the author.
Well, anyway, it's
200 pages long.
Long! That's the author.
Or the publisher.
Now, well, anyway,
it's on the first page.
Page, that's the author.
Yes, Philip Page.
Well, anyway, it's
easy. I can verify it.
I have the book right here.
Oh, or here.
Where's the book?
What did I?
Oh, I left it on the train.
Wait a minute. What
was I doing on the train?
Where's my car?
Oh, well, anyway,
if you find the book,
would you please send it to
me at my present address?
It's, uh, oh, I don't
know what that is, either.
But that's all right. Look
it up, it's in the book.
- Now, for a special farm
report from jolly, old England,
a gentleman farmer,
Sir James Caan.
- Right, then, hello
there, fellow bumpkins.
Local farmer Norman
Mark today reported that,
in using the new
nuclear fertilizer materials,
he has grown a five-pound prune.
Mr. Mark said that the prune,
that is, the five-pound prune,
it was delicious, but he got
a hernia spittin' out the pit.
- Now, the minority news
with Willie Tyler and Lester.
- Here's what it is.
George Wilson, spokesman
for the Black Panther Party
today cleared up
the mystery as to why
there are so few black
dealers in Las Vegas.
- I know why.
There's so few black dealers
because we too proud to shuffle.
- And here's our
guest columnist,
nationally quoted Shirley Eater,
with tonight's Hollywood item.
- A group of Hollywood
producers today took steps
to combat the growing
problem of runaway productions,
whereby American movies are
produced in foreign countries.
A spokesman for the group said,
we have to make an
example out of someone,
so we're hiring John Wayne
to go over and beat up Spain.
- And now, since there is
apparently nothing we can do
to prevent it, here
comes Donna Jean Young
for a peek at the week
ahead in television.
You could've started
earlier, Donna Jean.
- Hello.
Um, thank you.
- That's all right.
- It's okay.
- Moving right along, this
week, on Sanford and Son,
Fred and Lamont
liquidate their junk business
and blow the whole four
dollars on a chicken delight.
- You have another one.
- In this week's episode...
- She likes this one already.
- Wait a minute.
In this week's
episode of Adam 12,
Malloy and Reed conduct a raid
on a topless bar.
And spend the next 25
minutes trying to wipe the smile
off their faces.
I didn't get that one.
- Well, we're all right, then.
- Here we go, to the lower
regions of the other world,
with a few warm
words from the devil.
(bell rings)
- Hell's bells, here's the news.
Well, you should've
been here last night.
Joe Stalin threw a
get-acquainted party
for newcomer Ho
Chi-Minh last night.
Lucretia Borger
mixed up a great punch
and a great time was had by all.
Topped by Benito Mussolini
standing up and singing,
When You're Hot, You're Hot.
However, Ho Chi-Minh
had the best line of the night
when he said, frankly,
this is a little further south
than I intended to go.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
- [God] For who's sake?
- Oh, I'm sorry, boss.
(bell rings)
All the way down.
- And now to our foreign
news bureaus around the world,
first to Canada for an
interview with Gary Deeb,
a man who's lived in a
cave for the past 22 years.
- Mr. Deeb, you've
been living in a large cave
some two miles below the
surface for the last 22 years.
How does it feel to be out?
- Great, great. (echoes)
Wonderful, wonderful. (echoes)
- And now for the bald news,
here's a hair-raising bald
news expert, Vidal Bassoon.
- Evening, skinheads.
This is Vidal here to
uncover the bald note.
Arthur C. Pecks, who
is completely bald,
received a hair
transplant recently.
Unfortunately, the roots
were implanted upside down.
Now, every time
he goes for a haircut,
his barber says, open
your mouth and say, ah.
He says the shampoos are murder.
Take it, Dan and Dick.
- And, for all our
far-out, freaky friends,
here's Heavenly Helen
with the hippie news.
(Dan laughs)
Huh?
- Heavy Helen.
- Heavy Helen.
And now for all our heavenly,
and now for all our
far-out, freaky friends,
here's Heavy Helen
with the hippie news.
- Oh, hey man,
this is Heavy Helen,
your far-out, freaky friend,
coming to you from,
like, uh, where it's at.
A really weird thing
happened yesterday, man.
I mean, like a bunch
of us, like, got together,
and, like, decided to take
off, like, all our clothes,
and, like, run down
to the beach, to, like,
swim in the nude.
Well, it would've
been a great trip,
but it turned into,
like, a real bummer.
I mean, like, the
fuzz picked us up
before we were 10
miles outside of Denver.
Hang loose, man.
- Today in Burbank,
residents are celebrating
the Ninth of Screlb,
whereas the entire day
should be spent either in
prayer or cheating an Armenian.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news
Do, do, do, doty-oh,
do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(audience applauds)
- Guard! Guard!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Can't you do anything right?
Guard!
- Hi there. Cathy again.
You know, I just asked the
camp director why he thought
membership in the nudist
colony was on the upswing.
He said, simple.
With all the long hair
these days, it's about
the only place you can
tell the boys from the girls.
- Those midwest
tornadoes are murder.
I was born in three states.
- Here's a letter.
"Dear Moosie, I love
cookies and candy,
"but my father forces
me to eat my spinach
"'cause he says it will
make me big and strong.
"What should I do?
Signed, Sweet Tooth."
- Dear Sweet Tooth,
your father's right.
Do like your father says
and eat your spinach
until you get bigger
and stronger than he is.
Then let him try to stop you
from eating cookies and candy.
- I made a picture with John
Wayne and I was beat up
and shot at and
kicked in the stomach.
That was just before work,
when I called him a Democrat.
(silly music)
- [Dick] Well, I don't know.
- [Dan] Look who's back.
- This time I've really done it.
Got two great acts.
Two girls, one of them
tap dances, you see,
like Ginger Rogers.
The other sings like a
bird. Bring the house down.
- Bring the house down?
They're a little late, pal,
the termites beat 'em to it.
- And besides, we can't
afford two good acts.
- I got it.
We'll combine 'em and make
one sensational act. Okay?
We'll talk money later.
Okay? Come on out girls.
Come on, here we go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Come on.
- Well, is there another mic?
- Go 'head.
- We need another mic for her.
- I tap dance.
- I sing.
- [Dan] I for one am
delighted to hear it.
- Hit it.
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
- I can't hear the taps!
- I don't think you want to.
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet,
silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through
the rain - Out, out.
- Get outta here. Come on.
What do you think
we're running here?
Walk on - Hey,
take her outta here.
Take a walk.
- Yeah, walk off.
(audience applauds)
- Murphy!
Drop the net!
- Here's another
helpful home hint.
A good way to cut
down on junk mail
is to hide a king
cobra in your mailbox.
- Hey, Moosie, here's a letter
from eight-year-old Ed
Swinney of Houston, Texas,
who writes, "Dear
Moosie, my big brother
"always takes my
toys and beats me up.
"What can I do?"
- Dear Ed, you could
learn one of two things.
You could learn to fight back,
or you could move to Brazil.
- You know, when
I get outta here,
I'm going back to my old job.
I'm gonna stay on the
straight and narrow.
- What was your old job?
- I was a tight-rope walker.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we really insist
that you stay...
- Well, we got a problem.
- What do you mean,
we got a problem?
- Jim's upset.
- Anything important?
- Ah, he says so.
He's going to the NBC doctor.
- The doctor?
- Yeah.
- What's the matter,
Jimmie, don't you feel well?
- Au contraire, my dear fellow.
I feel fine, in fact.
I recently had a physical
from the doctor here at NBC.
- Yeah?
- And it just occurred
to me that there might be
a nickel back on the bottle.
I'll see ya.
- I am Attila the Hun and
I rape, pillage, and burn.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Yeah, Attila the
Hun's been dead
for over a thousand years.
- Oh, okay.
In that case, I'm
Dave Needleman,
and I rape, pillage, and burn.
- Excuse me.
- Yes.
- But would you accept this
fish as a token of my esteem?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- You're right, Margaret,
he's the stupid one.
- I'd like Greensleeves, please.
- Oh, Greensleeves. Oh,
of course, coming right up.
You want 'em green, you got 'em.
- Warning.
Beware of waterbeds.
I got on one after eating,
ooh, and I got such cramps.
- Help! The Indians
did this to me.
- Sioux?
- No, I think I'll
settle out of court.
- Oh! It's my husband.
Do something.
- Do something? I thought I was.
- Hi, everybody. Cathy again.
I just learned that
the camp has a branch
for Eskimo nudists.
It's in Alaska, and it's
called Camp Blue Bottom.
You know, in Alaska,
the nights last six months,
which is about
five months longer
than some of the Eskimos last.
- As you'll remember,
we left Fanny Farkle
about to have a
baby any day now.
How could we leave a
woman in a condition like that?
Let's find out, as
Frank Farkle says.
- Just think, I'm going to
have an infant any day now.
I hope it's a boy, a boy to
carry on the family name
of Farkle.
A boy who will grow
up as a real Farkle.
A boy to become a
Farkle among men.
- That boy will take after me.
- I hope it's a girl.
- Thank you, Ferd.
- Hi!
- Yes, friends, Fanny is about
to have a baby any day now.
Tune in next week
as the Farkle's wonder
what to call the
baby and Ferd says.
- Why worry about
what you'll call a baby?
How do you know
he'll have a phone?
- Hey, we certainly would
like to thank our guest star,
James Caan, for doing
such a wonderful job.
- Yes. (audience applauds)
Woo!
Woo-hoo!
Yes, and Jimmie, our guest.
- Next week...
- Hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
- What's the matter?
- You guys promised
me I could sing a song.
- Well, we're
a little late, Jim.
Can you make it a short one?
- Oh, sure.
- All right.
- Let me have a
little room here.
Rock-a-bye ba...
(bird chirps)
- Boy, you guys, when you
said short, you mean short.
- That's right.
- You get stoned on this show.
- There's just more time to
show you what's gonna be
on the show next week.
- Yeah, Jim,
watch. You'll love it.
- That's great.
- Can you see that far?
- [Dan] Carol
Burnett will be with us.
(audience applauds)
- [Dick] And so
will Paul Gilbert.
Ross Martin.
Demond Wilson.
- Boy, that looks great.
- Yeah.
You feel all right now?
- Oh yeah.
- All right, but before you
go out, Jim, before we go,
who is very religious,
wears a black habit,
and loves to eat peanuts?
- Who? I don't know.
- Sister Mary Elephant.
- Good night, Jimmie.
- Good night, Dan.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, everybody.
She eats peanuts, you
see? Don't you get it?
- Good night, Dick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Company, attention.
Present a good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- At ease.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(gong clangs)
- Come up to my room afterwards
and we'll have soft
lights and drinks and,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(bell rings)
- Well, good night, Dick.
Listen, I gotta go now.
A marshmallow is gonna roast me.
- Oh, good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Would you say, good night Dick?
- Good night,
Dick, Dick. (echoes)
- Good night, Dick.
- Night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night,
Dick. Hair's to ya.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Never thought it
would come to this.
(silly music)
(drum beats chest)
(slide whistle)
(one person laughing)
it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh In.
(musical flourish)
(audience applauds)
- Oh, thank you.
You're more than kind.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, Miss Vicki
thanks you, too.
- Hey, we're really excited
about tonight's guest.
- I guess so. One of the
stars of The Godfather.
- Ladies and gentlemen, a
great actor, Mr. James Caan.
- Ya-Hay!
Woo-hoo!
Wo-ho!
- Good evening.
Pleasure to be here tonight.
- Oh, wow, we're
glad to have you.
Jim, I've been dying
to ask you a question.
You know, in The Godfather
there was so much violence
and brutality.
Did it disturb you at all?
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's just a question of
controlling your emotions.
- Controlling your emotions?
- Yeah, as an actor,
you learn to do this.
- Well, it's a good
thing because this show
is more violent
than most, you know.
- I mean, a good actor
can control his emotions,
no matter what's going on, see.
Like with me, well I,
I concentrate on
a tranquil scene.
See, the birds.
(woman bites and crunches)
Wind blowing, a running
brook. (punch lands)
Birds and love and peace.
- Hey, baby.
(boings)
- Oh, trees and beauty and love.
And, well... (water splashes)
beauty, tranquility,
peace.
- Jim, that is amazing.
- Oh.
- I mean, that control
of yours is incredible.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
Is it all over now?
- Why, of course.
- Oh, thank heavens.
(punch lands)
(fabric rips)
(audience applauds)
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Peace Corps
and Hand Grenade Mart, NBC,
the nude but cautious network,
brings you Rowan
& Martin's Laugh In,
starring the intrepid Dan Rowan,
and the decrepit Dick Martin,
with guest star, James Caan,
plus Ruth Buzzy,
Dennis Allen, Moosie
Drier and Todd Bass,
Patti Deutsch,
Sarah Kennedy,
Jed Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Cathy Swier,
Ian Bernard and
his Band of Lies,
the beautiful downtown
Burbank beauties,
with cameos by Bob Crane,
Nanette Fabray, Della Reese,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice
for all of you
kleptomaniacs out there.
See if you can pick
me up a transistor radio.
Thank you.
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall Letula Gay
Remember how we
opened with the animal act
Somebody barked,
somebody quacked
- Where are ya?
- Here I am.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ah.
- Well, let me ask ya,
what religion doesn't allow
people to stand up in the pews?
- I don't know, what Jim?
- The holy roller coasters.
- Hey!
What did the race track man say
when he got married at
the Camptown Races?
- What?
- I doo-dah.
- What king married
several wives
and then married a banana?
- Gee, I don't know. Who?
- Henry the ape.
- Oh, I'm really sad.
- Why Ruthie?
- My uncle fell asleep in
his waterbed with a cigarette
and he punched himself to death.
- Dennis!
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Dennis!
Dennis.
- What?
I was in my dressing room.
- Thank goodness.
Were you ever beaten
by the Marquis de Sade?
- I never had the pleasure.
- Take that.
- Hey Jed?
- Yeah, Donna, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm right here.
- Hey, who walked across
the country planting trees
until he got beaten to a pulp?
- I don't know. Who?
- Johnny applesauce.
- I got it! I got it!
Hey, who is my partner?
Caroline, come over here.
All right.
Now, who has a lot of animals?
- Yeah.
- Sings hi-ho-the-derry-o,
and makes a terrific
pastrami sandwich?
- I don't know. Who?
- The farmer in the deli.
- Hey, hey, what candy bar
used to be an attorney general?
- I don't know. What candy bar?
- Who.
- Who? What?
- Ramsey Clark bar.
- What do you want, Jim?
- Hey, Dennis.
Hey.
- Yeah?
- Dennis?
- What?
- Who rules a mythical
kingdom from a rowboat?
- Who?
- The wizard of oars.
- Ruthie?
- Yeah!
- Who said, who said give
me liberty or give me a broad?
- I don't know. Who?
- Patrick Henry Kissinger.
Let's clear the gangway
for Eva Tangway
Do you remember
Vaudeville, oh yeah
Do you remember Vaudeville
(audience applauds)
- Hi. It's time to hit
the road with Cathy.
And this week, Laugh
In has me visiting
the Sunny Bottom
Nudist Colony to find out
why people like to
go around in the buff.
Frankly, after having
been here a week,
I must say that it all
depends on how you look at it.
(silly music)
(drumming chest)
- [Gary] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
- Will you stop yelling oh, oh?
- They think it's Buddy Lester.
- Yes.
Thank you very much. That
was a very warm welcome.
Welcome to another Laugh
In. You ready for a big night?
- All things are ready
if our minds be so.
William Shakespeare.
- Yeah. Hey, I think we got a
great show tonight because...
- They never fail who
die for a great cause.
Lord Byron.
- Excuse me. Okay, what
are you talking about?
- Well, I am drawing
on my vast residual
storehouse of memorable
quotes, quoth he.
- Would you repeat that?
- Not when I got it right
the first time, I won't.
- You cost me $20.
What's this, what's all
the quotes? What is that?
- Unbeknownst to you.
- Unbeknownst to me.
- These past years, I have been
collecting and studying
quotations by famous people.
- I've been wondering
what you've been doing.
What do you call a fella
who collects quotations?
- A quotation collector.
- Good name, yes.
- Right.
- That's, er, you're
a quotation collector.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- May I quote you on that?
- Yeah, well, it must
take a lot of time.
- Yes, unquote.
I spend most of my time
poring through history books.
- Is that right?
- Reference material,
encyclopedias,
and I read a lot of stuff, too.
- You read a lot of stuff?
Yes, I think you're
making this all up.
- Well, by doubting we
come to the truth. Cicero.
- Uh-huh, okay.
Who said, damn the
torpedoes, full speed ahead?
- John Cameron Swayze.
And it was still ticking.
- All right, now I'm
gonna try you once more.
Who said, nothing is so
good as it seems beforehand?
- I think it was
Ernest Borgnine.
- Oh, no, come on. Ernie
Borgnine didn't say that.
- Is that so?
- That is so.
- Well, was it not President
Theodore Roosevelt
who said, walk softly
and carry a big stick?
- As a matter of fact, it was.
- Was it not President
Kennedy who said,
ask not what your
country can do for you...
- But what you can do for
your, everyone knows that.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Do you know what
President Eisenhower said
at Palm Springs?
- No.
- He said, mind
if I play through?
- I don't want to hear
anymore of your quotes.
- What did Thomas Edison say
when he invented the light bulb?
- What did Thomas Edison say
when he invented the light bulb?
- He said, sure, but
how do I blow it out?
- Oh, he did not.
- And then, when landing at
Orley Field in Paris in 1927,
Charles Augustus
Lindbergh said...
- Charles Augustus.
- I just got here and
already my luggage is lost.
- He didn't say that.
I got a quote for you.
- What?
- It's time for the quote,
cocktail party, unquote.
- Okay, quote.
(audience applauds)
(groovy music)
- Hey, Sarah.
- Yeah?
- Why am I yelling?
I don't know.
Anyway, I hear President
Nixon is planning to fly to Cuba,
and I'm worried.
- Why are you worried, Jimmie?
- I'll tell ya.
- Okay.
- What if the plane is
hijacked to Washington?
- Hey, Ruthie.
Ruthie.
This'll kill ya. Honest.
Our town is so small,
same operator has to handle
Dial-A-Prayer and
the correct time.
Hey, Ruth.
- Huh?
- I called her just a
minute ago, and she said,
glory be to heaven, it's 8:15.
- Quiet, quiet, let's
move around and mix.
- Look, I'll mix, but you
gotta do the moving around.
- Hey, Elise, do you believe
in giving your
clothes to Goodwill?
- Of course I do.
- Well, give me your clothes
and you'll create a
lot of goodwill with me.
- You know, I just bought a car
completely made of
recycled beer cans.
And the only trouble
is, every time I start it,
it rolls into the gutter.
- You know, Sarah.
- Yeah?
- I heard a rumor that
Twiggy is going topless.
- How can you tell?
- Patty?
- Hmm?
- How come the
Jewish people think
that chicken soup
cures everything?
- Oh, well, have you ever
seen a chicken with a bad cold?
- You know, I, oh dear,
I just saw one of those
Italian westerns, you see.
- Yeah?
- And they've really
toned down the violence.
- Yeah, what'd they do?
- Well, ya see.
- What?
- The two cowboys came
out of a pizzeria, see,
onto the street, and they
breathed on one another.
- Oh!
- Hey, Will, I just met the head
of the black gay
liberation movement.
- Oh yeah? Is he a Uncle Tom?
- No, more of an Aunt Jemimah.
- I just bought a million
dollar life insurance policy.
Now with my luck, I won't die.
- Ack.
- Oh, hi. For me?
- No.
- Oh.
- Listen, Jim, I read
somewhere that fat women
combine a greater need for food
with a greater desire for sex.
- Did ya?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, well then, a midnight
snack at Totie Field's
must really be something.
(audience applauds)
- Your attention, please.
Will the woman with
the enlarged nostrils
kindly return the
two tennis balls?
Thank you.
- But sister, it is true
you made scrambled eggs
for breakfast every
day this week.
- I know, but they don't
have to keep calling me
the Frying Nun.
- Here's a tip for my
black brothers and sisters
who want to save money
getting a natural hairdo.
Simply, stick your index
finger in a light socket.
- You see that tall
buildin' over there?
That's the Empire
State Building.
That's the tallest
building in the world.
- Well, what's that there,
er, shorter building next to it?
- I imagine that's the outhouse.
- We were originally going
to do my old TV series
about a prison camp in Japan.
It was going to be
called Hogan's Hirohitos.
- Hey, partner,
Indians do that to you?
- No, I was trying
to commit suicide
and I couldn't find my rifle.
- Hi. Well, here I am
again at Camp Whoopee.
And there's one guy here
I've just got to tell you about.
He's got the most unusual
job I've ever heard of.
Every morning he gets up
two hours before breakfast
and warms up the metal
chairs in the dining room.
- There are two basic
reasons why I love the opera.
First, because it
reflects the joy and agony
of human existence, and second,
because I love to
see fat women sing.
- Do you know, I was falsely
convicted of being a witch?
- By whom?
- A jury of six frogs
and five lizards.
- What seems to be
your trouble, miss?
- Oh, doctor, I have
a frog in my throat.
- Oh. Take two flies and
call me in the morning.
- This is Laugh In.
And I'm telling my jokes
tonight in sign language,
you know, so that people
with a hearing handicap
can laugh along
with the rest of us.
Huh?
Or not laugh along
with the rest of us.
- Sorry, lady, but in order
for you to go through customs,
you're gonna have to
be searched by a matron.
Right this way, please.
You can take your
clothes off behind there.
Are you ready?
- [Sarah] Ready.
- Set, go.
- I've been in here six months
and my case still
hasn't come up in court.
Boy, the way the court
calendars are backed up
is just terrible.
What are you in here for?
- Swearing on the Sabbath.
- What are you making?
- Ah, that's a henway.
- No, kiddin'.
What's a henway?
- Oh, about a pound and a half.
(rimshot)
With stuffing,
about three pounds.
(rimshot)
- Oh, look at
this, a rotten one.
Hi.
- Hello.
How are you?
- I'm fine.
- That's a very, very nice
looking bunch of pansies
over there.
I'd like to buy one.
- Yes, they're lovely.
No, I'm sorry, madame,
they're not for sale.
They just work here.
- Did you hear about
poor Mary Alden?
- No, what about her?
- Well, she was caught
talking to a Red Coat.
- That's treason.
- No, insanity.
- Insanity?
- Insanity.
There was no one in it. She
was just talking to a red coat.
- Hey, Todd, do you like school?
- You bet I do. Do
you like school?
- I love school.
Do you feel funny
when you tell a lie?
- Okay, Brannigan, we've
got the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
- [Brannigan] I told ya, copper,
I'm only coming
out on one condition.
- No chance.
- [Brannigan] You gotta do it.
- Look, you know I can't do it.
- [Brannigan] All right, then,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
I'm gonna start shootin'.
- All right, all right,
Brannigan, I'll do it.
Did your mother
come from Ireland
- This is what I get for
going steady with a witch.
Thanks a lot.
- Oh, now you're complaining.
How 'bout all those
nights we went riding
and you tried to get me into
the backseat of the broom?
- Hey, Moosie, the
circus is coming to town,
and I'm gonna spend
my whole allowance
on all the rides and
all the sideshows.
How about you?
- Oh, not me, Todd. That's
a foolish waste of money.
I'd rather spend mine
on something sensible.
- Like what?
- Cotton candy and a pickle.
- Anybody ever
escape from this joint?
- Yeah, one guy
came close one time.
- Yeah?
- Made it across the
courtyard, past the guard dogs,
over the wall, through
the heavy machine gun fire.
He battled through the swamp,
past the alligators
and the piranhas.
He finally managed
to drag himself
over the electrified
barbed wire fence out there.
And then he made
one little mistake.
- Oh, yeah? What was that?
- He came back
after his toothbrush.
- You see Jack
Durant the other night?
- Yeah, he said if he
could walk that way,
he wouldn't need talcum powder.
- Dan?
- Huh?
- Remember, this is
National Bad Manners Week.
- So?
- So shut up!
- Beverly Hills is so rich,
they have fire
boxes all over town.
And they have a sign which says,
in case of fire, break crystal.
- Donna Jean, that's no way
to carry something
in a wheelbarrow.
- It isn't?
- No, stupid, you're
supposed to turn the thing
rightside up.
- Aw, that's the third
one I lost this week.
- What'll it be Mr. Askin?
- Oh, I'll have the usual.
- Not tonight, I
have a headache.
- Then bring me a drink.
(rimshot)
- You know what? I discovered
the secret of eternal youth.
- Well that's
terrible, you look old.
- Well, I discovered
it a long time ago.
- Oh.
- Oh, what a cute, little baby.
Goochie, goochie, coo.
You know, he looks
exactly like his father.
- Oh, that's what everyone says.
Don't they bob-a-wuja?
- Knock it...
Would you mind,
please? That's it.
- Babba-Doody.
- Okay, that does it. That's it.
That does it. I'm leaving.
- My baby.
- Hey Jimmie?
- Huh?
- You look exhausted.
What's the matter?
- I didn't sleep
at all last night.
- [Dick] What's the matter?
- Well, I went out to dinner
and I mixed German food
with Japanese food and I was up
interrogating myself all night.
- Oh, that'll do it.
- All right, this is a stick
up. Close your eyes.
- Why should I close my eyes?
- I'm so broke, I
couldn't afford a mask.
You haven't got a black
bra on ya, have you?
- Hey, Patty, where ya
going with that lampshade
on your head?
- Oh, it's doctors orders.
- What's the doctor say?
- He said take two lightbulbs
and call him in the morning.
- Ah-Ha!
- Hi. Still looking into things
here at the nudist colony.
As a matter of
fact, I just went out
and interviewed
some new arrivals.
You know, new members
are a snap to spot.
See? They're the ones
without the grass stains.
- Want ad.
Owner of a large tent
would like to join up
with a sword swallower,
a bearded woman,
tattooed man, and a fat lady.
Huh?
Object, a very unusual weekend.
- Hey, Clarabelle?
- Hmm?
- What's that o'er there?
- Oh, that there's the
Staten Island ferry.
- No, no, no, not
him. I mean that boat.
- Hey, you crushed my tobaccy.
- Hey Lester, did you
know that police dogs
are being trained
for airline work
and some of them
are pretty good.
- Yeah, man, but they
still stealin' a lot of drinks.
Move your lips, man, it looks
like I'm doing all the work.
- A lady in here the other
night had seven drinks
and then started
taking her clothes off
and running all over the place.
So I called the police.
I mean, she kept
getting in the way
of our topless waitresses.
- Are they still out there?
- Nah, just some wild crickets.
(gun fires)
- Okay, men, fall in.
It's time for roll call.
Company, ten hut.
Come on, snap to, here.
Anderson.
- Here!
- Brooklyn.
Brooklyn.
- Oh, here.
- Sir.
- Yeah.
- Sir.
All right, stand at ease, men.
I need one of you men to go
on a very dangerous mission.
Which one of you is it gonna be?
- Him.
- Him.
- Now that's no attitude
for a gung-ho group like this.
I'm gonna ask you
again. Who's it gonna be?
- You.
- You.
- That does it.
I'm obviously gonna have
to decide this one for myself.
- Hey, you can't send me.
I got a wife and three
kids back in the states.
Send him.
- No, wait a minute.
I got a wife, three kids,
and a sick mother. Send him.
- I've got a wife, three
kids, a sick mother,
and a no-good bum of a father.
Send him.
- Now listen.
One of you men is
gonna go on this mission,
and that's an order.
The mission is simply
a rescue operation.
The enemy is holding a
sex-starved nurse captive.
- Oh, I'll go!
- I'll go, I'll go.
- I'll go!
- I'll go, I'll go.
- I swear I'll go.
- I will go.
- What about your
wife and kids at home?
- Who?
(punch lands)
Well, looks like
it's me, lieutenant.
- All right, brave boy.
- Yes, sir. Now, I'll go.
I wanna know, how am
I gonna recognize this
sex-starved nurse?
- Well, it's gonna be
easy for ya, Brooklyn,
because you'll be
there with her three kids,
her husband, a sick mother,
and a no-good bum of a father.
- Right.
Well, go get 'em tiger.
- Well, don't blame me
for playing in a comedy
about a German
prisoner of war camp.
After all, I was only
following orders.
(punch lands)
- You know, I read some
scandalous, vicious gossip
about me in one of those
cheap movie magazines,
and I have just one
thing to say about those
wild, filthy rumors.
Thank you.
(car careening and crashing)
- Here is one of life's...
I'll try that again, okay?
Swell.
Here's life's...
Here we go.
Okay.
Here is one of life's
comforting facts.
If Ethel Merman
ever comes back to...
Are you ready?
Just stand here and giggle.
Here is one of life's
comforting facts.
If Ethel Merman ever
comes to your town to sing,
you'll hear about it.
(musical flourish)
- Hey, Moosie, why is Dan Rowan?
- I don't know, why?
- Because he doesn't
got a motor on his boat.
- I remember the first
time my singing drew
an appreciative crowd.
I had forgotten to
close the shower curtain.
- Well, now, I know that
tonight in the question
and answer section of the
show, you're all going to have
a lot of questions about
Thanksgiving because, actually,
Thanksgiving is upon us.
And we all know how it started.
Now would you like to
ask any questions at all
about how we intend
to spend Thanksgiving
among ourselves, or what, um,
what Dick's planning
for Thanksgiving,
or, um, because Thanksgiving
is a typical American holiday.
You know, there's no
other country in the world...
- Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho.
Happy Thanksgiving
and ho, ho, ho.
- Oh, I heard your ho, ho.
- I've got two more ho's.
Ho, ho.
- I'm certainly glad I waited
around for those ho, ho's.
- It's a good ho.
- Dick, you are either the
stupidest person in the world,
or you're a complete fool.
- Well, now, don't keep me
in suspense. Which one is it?
- Why in the world would
you wear a Santa Claus suit
for Thanksgiving?
- Well, that's simple.
They were all out of
Easter Bunny suits.
Some big guy named John
Wayne came in, got the last one.
- It is not germane.
- Germane?
- No, it's not...
- Achtung me de fleig!
- No, no, it isn't relevant.
- I didn't bring any
of my relevance here.
- No, Dick, we're talking
about Thanksgiving.
It began with the pilgrims.
You know anything
about the pilgrims?
- Pilgrims.
- Pilgrims.
- That's the way
you should be attired.
- I'm-a not a-tired.
I got-a plenty rest.
That's better than
achtung me de fleig.
- It certainly is.
I didn't know I had
that kind of a choice.
You got anything in the sack?
- You want to come out in
the hall and ask me that?
- Oh, no.
- As a matter of fact, I
have some things in here
I'm gonna cook for
Thanksgiving dinner.
- Yeah? What have ya got?
- Well, I got potatoes.
I got corn.
- Good.
- Peas.
- Good.
- And my pet turkey.
- Your pet turkey.
Now how can you
possibly eat your pet turkey?
- Well, I didn't have enough
hamsters to go around.
- Oh.
I just don't believe it.
- You're right. Actually, I
went out and shot a turkey.
- Oh, really? Was it wild?
- Well, it was a
little miffed, yes.
I figure you would be, too.
- What are you gonna
stuff your turkey with?
- What are you talking about?
I got one that's full already.
It's been eating
out there for a week.
Eats a person out
of house and home.
- If you wait a minute, I
got another question for ya.
- All right, go ahead.
- Do you use giblets
in your dressing?
- No, I couldn't do
that to the little fellas.
- No giblets?
- I use the whole gib.
I'm so smart, da-da-da Giblet.
- No, no.
- Oh, that's a goblet.
- You don't know anything
about good turkey stuffing.
- No, but I'm pretty good
at horseshoe pitchin'.
- You know what
puzzles me, folks,
is why would an intelligent,
full-grown man, as I am,
spend all this time talking to
a nut in a Santa Claus suit?
- That's not a Santa Claus suit.
This is a Santa Claus suit.
Huh, huh, huh.
Now, let's look at our
salute to Thanksgiving.
(audience applauds)
Ho, ho, ho!
We're taking a day off
To add up each blessing
To wolf down some turkey
And gobble the dressing
Give praise for our
standard of living
Give thanks for this
day of Thanksgiving
Thank you, Mark Spitz,
for performing so well
Thank you, Ralph Nader,
you've really been swell
Thanks Mother Nature
for making Raquel
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thanks, Bobby
Fisher, for being intense
Thanks, William Conrad,
for staying immense
Thank you, Mercedes,
for making your Benz
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thanks, rapid transit,
computers, and jets
Thanks for the time
they can save ya
Taking for granted
the things we possess
Isn't the proper behavior
Thanks, Marlon Brando,
for acting so tough
Thank you, Burt Reynolds,
for showing your stuff
Thank you, Jane Fonda,
but enough is enough
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, Burt Bacharach,
for all of your ditties
And Pablo Picasso
for all of your pretties
And thank you, Mick
Jagger, for rolling them stones
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, thank you
We're taking a day off
To add up each blessing
And give everybody our thanks
(audience applauds)
- You know, on the
first Thanksgiving,
the pilgrims shared
with the Indians,
they ate with the Indians,
celebrated with the Indians.
- Yup, and the
second Thanksgiving,
they did exactly the same thing.
Except they left
the Indians out.
- Let's all be thankful for
the roof over our heads
and the food on our table.
(wood cracking)
- I had Thanksgiving dinner
at a famous surgeon's house,
and it was disgusting.
After he carved the turkey,
he removed his liver and onions.
- Here you are, honey.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- I thought you said we were
gonna have something special
for Thanksgiving.
This is nothin' but leftovers.
- Oh, yeah, but they're
leftover from last Thanksgiving.
- Oh, that was
supposed to be dessert.
- I had Thanksgiving
dinner in a topless restaurant.
Wouldn't you know it,
the breast of turkey
had silicone injections.
- Hey, mom.
- Hello, dear.
Well, Johnny, it's Thanksgiving
and you've got a
lot to be thankful for.
- No, I don't. I hate turkey,
I hate cranberry sauce.
I hate pumpkin pie. What
have I got to be thankful for?
(pan crashes)
- You can be thankful you've
got a mother who loves you.
- For Thanksgiving
dinner, we all got together
and gave my grandmother a goose.
Boy, was she surprised.
And next year, we're
gonna get her a turkey.
- That is why, my son,
we celebrate Thanksgiving,
to pay tribute to all the
wonderful and fine things
that Mother Nature has provided.
The birds, the trees,
just all those wonderful
things of nature.
Huh?
- Uh-huh.
Dad, wait, where ya going?
- Oh, I have to go chop
off the turkey's head.
- At the first Thanksgiving,
the white man
invited the Indians
to turkey dinner.
- Yeah, and they've been
giving them the bird ever since.
- Ah, yes, we have so
much to be thankful for.
- What do you mean
thankful, ya dummy?
We have a lousy job.
We live in this dump.
- Well, I think I'll
carve the turkey now.
- Oh, you think you
can, ya blockhead?
Even with that new
electric carving knife,
I bet you're a clutz.
You better let me do it, here.
(electricity buzzes)
- Yes, we have so
much to be thankful for.
- Jim.
- Huh?
- What's the worst thing
about eating turkey?
- Oh, the big hole it
leaves next to Syria.
We just took a day off
To add up each blessing
And give everybody our thanks
(audience applauds)
- I've worked so many
smoke-filled nightclubs
that every time we have a
smog alert, I burst into song.
- How would you like
to buy this building?
- Hey, what do you take us for?
You must think
we're outta our minds.
What's a matter with you?
- Yeah, we're only
gonna be here a week.
- Okay, how 'bout renting it?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Cathy again from
Camp Sunny Bottom,
with more results
from my survey.
Well, you know, so
far, I've discovered
that the favorite sport
here at the colony
seems to be touch football.
Actually, the games aren't much,
but ooh, those
huddles are fantastic.
Announcement.
The man who wrote
the song, Beautiful Ohio,
well he killed himself last
week after he visited Cleveland.
(gong clangs)
- Please send to me
the new school teacher,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(gong clangs)
- Hi, hi, hi. Here I
am, your majesty.
Getting to know you.
- Send in to me, please,
the new school teacher.
- But I am the new
school teacher.
- Please send in to
me the executioner.
- That does it. I didn't
come here to be insulted.
I'm a teacher.
- You know, you're, er,
you're kind of cute
when you're angry.
Come to me, round eyes, huh?
- What about your 27 children?
- They can find their own
broads, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.
- I came here to teach.
- Yes, good, good, good.
Yes, you teach to
me, er, sex education.
I want to find out where all
them kids are coming from.
- Oh, in that case,
shall we dance?
You lead.
(audience applauds)
- Did I tell ya my
wife was effeminate?
(silly music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
whole information
In a way we hope will amuse you
La-da-dee-da
What's the news
today and tomorrow
We have got the joy and sorrow
And we'd love to
give you our views
La-da-dee-da
Ladies and gents we're
peeling down to our shoes
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news
With Dick and Dan
They're Dickie and Dan
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the Laugh In news
with the lighthouse
guiding ships,
Mayor Orty taking trips,
Flip Wilson buying slips,
and here comes Raquel
Welch, dig those hips.
And now with the news, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- First, these news headlines.
- Dr. Christian Bernard slips
during transplant operation.
Patient heartbroken.
- Judge sentences pregnant
woman to 30 days' hard labor.
- City of Long Beach
exhibits Queen Elizabeth.
Prince Philip embarrassed.
- And here, for those of you
who don't like the present
news, is Dick Martin.
- I thought I was supposed
to do the present news.
- You're doing it.
- Oh. Okay, but it
better not happen again.
The annual auction was
held on Fire Island today
and the first item sold
was the auctioneer.
I rather like that one.
A strange crime was
committed in Burbank today
when a woman married to a midget
wanted to get rid of
him for the insurance.
Quite ingeniously, she
placed her midget husband
in a Mix Master
and set it for widow.
- Please continue to read.
- Excuse me.
The police later found his body
in the third layer of
an upside down cake.
And now here's
Dean with the Dan,
here's Dan with the dew.
- You were doing all
right, right up 'till then.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- I don't know what it is.
Must be a mental block.
News of the future,
20 years from now,
a new six-dollar bill
has just been issued
by the Treasury in the
hopes of reviving the economy.
The bill is a combination
of the one dollar
and the five dollar bills.
It features a picture of Lincoln
putting a damp cloth on
Washington's forehead.
- And now, for this
week's book review,
here's this week's book
reviewer, Ruth Buzzy.
- I have just read How to
Improve Your Memory, by
oh, I've forgotten
who wrote the book.
Well, anyway, it's
published by, um,
well this is silly.
Well, anyway, you
can't mistake the book.
It's a big, red thing. Or
was it green and small?
Oh, wait. Green and
Small are the publishers.
Or the author.
Well, anyway, it's
200 pages long.
Long! That's the author.
Or the publisher.
Now, well, anyway,
it's on the first page.
Page, that's the author.
Yes, Philip Page.
Well, anyway, it's
easy. I can verify it.
I have the book right here.
Oh, or here.
Where's the book?
What did I?
Oh, I left it on the train.
Wait a minute. What
was I doing on the train?
Where's my car?
Oh, well, anyway,
if you find the book,
would you please send it to
me at my present address?
It's, uh, oh, I don't
know what that is, either.
But that's all right. Look
it up, it's in the book.
- Now, for a special farm
report from jolly, old England,
a gentleman farmer,
Sir James Caan.
- Right, then, hello
there, fellow bumpkins.
Local farmer Norman
Mark today reported that,
in using the new
nuclear fertilizer materials,
he has grown a five-pound prune.
Mr. Mark said that the prune,
that is, the five-pound prune,
it was delicious, but he got
a hernia spittin' out the pit.
- Now, the minority news
with Willie Tyler and Lester.
- Here's what it is.
George Wilson, spokesman
for the Black Panther Party
today cleared up
the mystery as to why
there are so few black
dealers in Las Vegas.
- I know why.
There's so few black dealers
because we too proud to shuffle.
- And here's our
guest columnist,
nationally quoted Shirley Eater,
with tonight's Hollywood item.
- A group of Hollywood
producers today took steps
to combat the growing
problem of runaway productions,
whereby American movies are
produced in foreign countries.
A spokesman for the group said,
we have to make an
example out of someone,
so we're hiring John Wayne
to go over and beat up Spain.
- And now, since there is
apparently nothing we can do
to prevent it, here
comes Donna Jean Young
for a peek at the week
ahead in television.
You could've started
earlier, Donna Jean.
- Hello.
Um, thank you.
- That's all right.
- It's okay.
- Moving right along, this
week, on Sanford and Son,
Fred and Lamont
liquidate their junk business
and blow the whole four
dollars on a chicken delight.
- You have another one.
- In this week's episode...
- She likes this one already.
- Wait a minute.
In this week's
episode of Adam 12,
Malloy and Reed conduct a raid
on a topless bar.
And spend the next 25
minutes trying to wipe the smile
off their faces.
I didn't get that one.
- Well, we're all right, then.
- Here we go, to the lower
regions of the other world,
with a few warm
words from the devil.
(bell rings)
- Hell's bells, here's the news.
Well, you should've
been here last night.
Joe Stalin threw a
get-acquainted party
for newcomer Ho
Chi-Minh last night.
Lucretia Borger
mixed up a great punch
and a great time was had by all.
Topped by Benito Mussolini
standing up and singing,
When You're Hot, You're Hot.
However, Ho Chi-Minh
had the best line of the night
when he said, frankly,
this is a little further south
than I intended to go.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
- [God] For who's sake?
- Oh, I'm sorry, boss.
(bell rings)
All the way down.
- And now to our foreign
news bureaus around the world,
first to Canada for an
interview with Gary Deeb,
a man who's lived in a
cave for the past 22 years.
- Mr. Deeb, you've
been living in a large cave
some two miles below the
surface for the last 22 years.
How does it feel to be out?
- Great, great. (echoes)
Wonderful, wonderful. (echoes)
- And now for the bald news,
here's a hair-raising bald
news expert, Vidal Bassoon.
- Evening, skinheads.
This is Vidal here to
uncover the bald note.
Arthur C. Pecks, who
is completely bald,
received a hair
transplant recently.
Unfortunately, the roots
were implanted upside down.
Now, every time
he goes for a haircut,
his barber says, open
your mouth and say, ah.
He says the shampoos are murder.
Take it, Dan and Dick.
- And, for all our
far-out, freaky friends,
here's Heavenly Helen
with the hippie news.
(Dan laughs)
Huh?
- Heavy Helen.
- Heavy Helen.
And now for all our heavenly,
and now for all our
far-out, freaky friends,
here's Heavy Helen
with the hippie news.
- Oh, hey man,
this is Heavy Helen,
your far-out, freaky friend,
coming to you from,
like, uh, where it's at.
A really weird thing
happened yesterday, man.
I mean, like a bunch
of us, like, got together,
and, like, decided to take
off, like, all our clothes,
and, like, run down
to the beach, to, like,
swim in the nude.
Well, it would've
been a great trip,
but it turned into,
like, a real bummer.
I mean, like, the
fuzz picked us up
before we were 10
miles outside of Denver.
Hang loose, man.
- Today in Burbank,
residents are celebrating
the Ninth of Screlb,
whereas the entire day
should be spent either in
prayer or cheating an Armenian.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news
Do, do, do, doty-oh,
do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(audience applauds)
- Guard! Guard!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Can't you do anything right?
Guard!
- Hi there. Cathy again.
You know, I just asked the
camp director why he thought
membership in the nudist
colony was on the upswing.
He said, simple.
With all the long hair
these days, it's about
the only place you can
tell the boys from the girls.
- Those midwest
tornadoes are murder.
I was born in three states.
- Here's a letter.
"Dear Moosie, I love
cookies and candy,
"but my father forces
me to eat my spinach
"'cause he says it will
make me big and strong.
"What should I do?
Signed, Sweet Tooth."
- Dear Sweet Tooth,
your father's right.
Do like your father says
and eat your spinach
until you get bigger
and stronger than he is.
Then let him try to stop you
from eating cookies and candy.
- I made a picture with John
Wayne and I was beat up
and shot at and
kicked in the stomach.
That was just before work,
when I called him a Democrat.
(silly music)
- [Dick] Well, I don't know.
- [Dan] Look who's back.
- This time I've really done it.
Got two great acts.
Two girls, one of them
tap dances, you see,
like Ginger Rogers.
The other sings like a
bird. Bring the house down.
- Bring the house down?
They're a little late, pal,
the termites beat 'em to it.
- And besides, we can't
afford two good acts.
- I got it.
We'll combine 'em and make
one sensational act. Okay?
We'll talk money later.
Okay? Come on out girls.
Come on, here we go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Come on.
- Well, is there another mic?
- Go 'head.
- We need another mic for her.
- I tap dance.
- I sing.
- [Dan] I for one am
delighted to hear it.
- Hit it.
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
- I can't hear the taps!
- I don't think you want to.
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet,
silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through
the rain - Out, out.
- Get outta here. Come on.
What do you think
we're running here?
Walk on - Hey,
take her outta here.
Take a walk.
- Yeah, walk off.
(audience applauds)
- Murphy!
Drop the net!
- Here's another
helpful home hint.
A good way to cut
down on junk mail
is to hide a king
cobra in your mailbox.
- Hey, Moosie, here's a letter
from eight-year-old Ed
Swinney of Houston, Texas,
who writes, "Dear
Moosie, my big brother
"always takes my
toys and beats me up.
"What can I do?"
- Dear Ed, you could
learn one of two things.
You could learn to fight back,
or you could move to Brazil.
- You know, when
I get outta here,
I'm going back to my old job.
I'm gonna stay on the
straight and narrow.
- What was your old job?
- I was a tight-rope walker.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we really insist
that you stay...
- Well, we got a problem.
- What do you mean,
we got a problem?
- Jim's upset.
- Anything important?
- Ah, he says so.
He's going to the NBC doctor.
- The doctor?
- Yeah.
- What's the matter,
Jimmie, don't you feel well?
- Au contraire, my dear fellow.
I feel fine, in fact.
I recently had a physical
from the doctor here at NBC.
- Yeah?
- And it just occurred
to me that there might be
a nickel back on the bottle.
I'll see ya.
- I am Attila the Hun and
I rape, pillage, and burn.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Yeah, Attila the
Hun's been dead
for over a thousand years.
- Oh, okay.
In that case, I'm
Dave Needleman,
and I rape, pillage, and burn.
- Excuse me.
- Yes.
- But would you accept this
fish as a token of my esteem?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- You're right, Margaret,
he's the stupid one.
- I'd like Greensleeves, please.
- Oh, Greensleeves. Oh,
of course, coming right up.
You want 'em green, you got 'em.
- Warning.
Beware of waterbeds.
I got on one after eating,
ooh, and I got such cramps.
- Help! The Indians
did this to me.
- Sioux?
- No, I think I'll
settle out of court.
- Oh! It's my husband.
Do something.
- Do something? I thought I was.
- Hi, everybody. Cathy again.
I just learned that
the camp has a branch
for Eskimo nudists.
It's in Alaska, and it's
called Camp Blue Bottom.
You know, in Alaska,
the nights last six months,
which is about
five months longer
than some of the Eskimos last.
- As you'll remember,
we left Fanny Farkle
about to have a
baby any day now.
How could we leave a
woman in a condition like that?
Let's find out, as
Frank Farkle says.
- Just think, I'm going to
have an infant any day now.
I hope it's a boy, a boy to
carry on the family name
of Farkle.
A boy who will grow
up as a real Farkle.
A boy to become a
Farkle among men.
- That boy will take after me.
- I hope it's a girl.
- Thank you, Ferd.
- Hi!
- Yes, friends, Fanny is about
to have a baby any day now.
Tune in next week
as the Farkle's wonder
what to call the
baby and Ferd says.
- Why worry about
what you'll call a baby?
How do you know
he'll have a phone?
- Hey, we certainly would
like to thank our guest star,
James Caan, for doing
such a wonderful job.
- Yes. (audience applauds)
Woo!
Woo-hoo!
Yes, and Jimmie, our guest.
- Next week...
- Hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
- What's the matter?
- You guys promised
me I could sing a song.
- Well, we're
a little late, Jim.
Can you make it a short one?
- Oh, sure.
- All right.
- Let me have a
little room here.
Rock-a-bye ba...
(bird chirps)
- Boy, you guys, when you
said short, you mean short.
- That's right.
- You get stoned on this show.
- There's just more time to
show you what's gonna be
on the show next week.
- Yeah, Jim,
watch. You'll love it.
- That's great.
- Can you see that far?
- [Dan] Carol
Burnett will be with us.
(audience applauds)
- [Dick] And so
will Paul Gilbert.
Ross Martin.
Demond Wilson.
- Boy, that looks great.
- Yeah.
You feel all right now?
- Oh yeah.
- All right, but before you
go out, Jim, before we go,
who is very religious,
wears a black habit,
and loves to eat peanuts?
- Who? I don't know.
- Sister Mary Elephant.
- Good night, Jimmie.
- Good night, Dan.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, everybody.
She eats peanuts, you
see? Don't you get it?
- Good night, Dick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Company, attention.
Present a good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- At ease.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(gong clangs)
- Come up to my room afterwards
and we'll have soft
lights and drinks and,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(bell rings)
- Well, good night, Dick.
Listen, I gotta go now.
A marshmallow is gonna roast me.
- Oh, good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Would you say, good night Dick?
- Good night,
Dick, Dick. (echoes)
- Good night, Dick.
- Night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night,
Dick. Hair's to ya.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Never thought it
would come to this.
(silly music)
(drum beats chest)
(slide whistle)
(one person laughing)