Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript
(silly music)
(phone ringing)
(grunting)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Somebody just stole your car!
They stole your car!
- What do I do, what do I do?
- Don't worry, I got the
licence plate number.
(audience laughing)
- Now remember,
Laseler, as soon you jump
you count to 10,
pull the ripcord.
- D-D-D-Don't
worry.
- Good luck!
- O-O-O-One.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to buy an album.
- Well, do you prefer
the light lilting sound
of a female vocalist,
or the deeper, more resonant
tones of a male signer?
- Both, give me a
Wayne Newton record.
(audience laughing)
- Get in there!
It's where all you
corrupt politicians belong!
- Yeah, well, this is a bum rap!
I didn't do it, I want
to talk to the governor!
- Yes?
(audience laughing)
- Aspirin commercial, take two.
And call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, excuse me, where
can I find the bananas?
- For you, on a tree
in South America.
Next!
(audience laughing)
- Uh, lady?
- Excuse me.
Hmm?
- Can I borrow your pen?
- Oh, certainly.
Just a moment, the carpenter
needs to borrow my pen.
- Oh, you wanna hold this?
- Oh, sure.
- Thanks.
Give it right back to you.
Okay.
(gasps)
(audience laughing)
- Aw, darnit!
- Well what were you
working on anyway?
- Plans for a new drawing board.
Well, back to the
old drawing board.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- Oh, just window shopping.
I think I'll take this one.
(audience laughing)
Excuse me.
- Boy, did I have
a rough flight in
from New York the other day.
I got bounced
all over the plane.
That's the last time I fly
with the Los Angeles Rams.
- One advantage of my height,
if someone short sheets the bed,
it doesn't make any difference.
- This is Jill St. John
with a beauty hint.
Girls, for beautiful,
firm faces,
I heartily recommend mud packs,
except for women in California
where they have a
tendency to slide off your face.
- Hi, I'm Ted Mack.
I wanted to talk to you about...
(audience laughing)
- Oh boy, have we
got a guest tonight.
- Well I don't know,
but I certainly hope so.
- Well of course
we have a guest.
You know we have a
guest, it's Lee Grant.
- Gee, I hope he does
his, "Judy, Judy, Judy."
- Oh, come on,
that's Cary Grant.
- Oh.
How do I get out
of this pose, then?
(audience laughing)
- No, tonight our
guest is Lee Grant,
very well-known, one of
Hollywood's finest actresses.
- That's true.
Last year she got
an Oscar nomination.
- That's right.
- And did you ever
see the Neon Ceiling?
- Oh yes, she...
- Won the Emmy for it.
- Won the Emmy for that
and it's a real pleasure to
present to you tonight's guest,
the very lovely and talented
actress Ms. Lee Grant.
(applauding)
- Oh, wow!
Wow!
Wow!
- Oh, I'm so glad to be here,
I can't tell you, I really am.
- Me too.
You know, we're gonna do
the famous balcony scene
from Romeo and Juliet.
- What do you mean?
- Hark!
- [Dan] What?
- That's fantastic!
Did you see, he changed
moods just like that.
- Yeah, he's good at that.
- You know, working with
an actor of your stature
is going to be a
distinct pleasure.
- Thank you.
Hark!
(audience laughing)
- That's wonderful, really!
- Hark!
- Come on, Richard, I want
to hear this further away.
- Yeah, I agree with you.
- I'll give 'em one more.
Hark!
(audience laughing)
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
medical center and
gambling casino,
NBC, the Nimble
But Clumsy network,
passes a fumble and presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the
high-stepping Dan Rowan
and the flat-footed Dick Martin
with special guest
star Lee Grant
and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues
and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma, Richard Dawson
and Larry Hovis
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with these words for people
short on cash these days.
Hi, everybody.
But first, this commercial.
- Hey, don't use
up all the shampoo!
- I only used up this much
and it comes in an
unbreakable tube.
Here, catch.
(glass shattering)
- Hey, you're right.
It didn't break. (laughing)
- In my day, I've
seen a lot of amateurs
who act like professionals,
but here are two professionals
who act like amateurs,
Dick and Dan.
(audience cheering)
- Thank you.
Keep that good
thought for the next hour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight our show is...
We're in the money
We're in the money
- Why are you singing that?
- Because I happen
to be retiring.
- You're retiring?
- Yes, the next time you and I
come out here to
talk to each other,
you'll be all alone.
(audience laughing)
- You know that I have
felt like that for years?
- Yeah, yeah,
sweet talk me now that
you know I'm a millionaire.
- What do you
mean a millionaire?
- Well, just take
a look at this.
- What's that supposed to be?
- And so as my jealous partner
feasts his eyes on
my newfound wealth,
I'd like to thank all my
friends and fans for their loyalty
and bid you a fond farewell.
So long, peasants!
(audience laughing)
- Just a minute, now
what's that supposed to be?
- Well, it's a diamond!
Don't drop it!
- What do you
mean don't drop it?
- Well, I dropped it on
the carpet this morning
and I chipped off a few pieces.
- Dick, a diamond is the
hardest thing in the world.
- No, no, the hardest
thing in the world
is to kiss a
chicken on the lips.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, you're the guy
who would know too.
Well it's obvious you
don't know anything
about precious stones.
- Well, just try me.
- I suppose if I asked
you what a karat was,
you'd tell me it was
something you eat.
- Not me.
Carrots are something
that Bugs Bunny would eat.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know
what a birthstone is?
- Oh yeah, that's an easy one.
My uncle had one, a
lot of pain right here.
- No, no, no,
that's a gallstone.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- A birthstone.
They have a birthstone
for every month of the year.
I bet you don't
know one of them.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, there's January,
there's February,
there's September.
- All right, all right.
Where did you get
this so-called diamond?
- Well, I purchased it from
a multi-millionaire
jewel merchant
right here in the men's
washroom at NBC.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, what's a
multi-millionaire jewel merchant
doing in the washroom at NBC?
- Well, I've learned that no
matter how much money you have,
there are certain
things that you must do.
(audience laughing)
- All right, all right.
What did you pay for it?
- $20.
- 20?
Why would anybody sell
you a million dollar diamond
for 20 bucks?
- Well, I must have
reminded him of someone.
- What do you mean?
- Said he'd been looking
all over for a guy like me.
- I'll bet he has.
Well let me be the
first to congratulate you,
you just paid 20
bucks for a doorknob.
- A doorknob?
I feel like a fool!
I'll be the laughingstock
of my neighborhood.
- Well, maybe they
won't find out about it.
- How can they help it?
A $20,000 house with a
million dollar doorknob.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(regal music)
- I dub thee Winston the Lucky.
Oops.
Better make that
just plain Winston.
- Permission to pinch
Ms. Lee Grant, sir?
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Camilla!
I am home from doing
battle with the Norman!
- Oh, thank heavens
you weren't hurt!
(metal clanging)
- That joke was
not very tasteful,
but then neither is yogurt
and a lot of people
swallow that.
(audience laughing)
- Why can't we just spend a
quiet evening at home together?
- Because it's my
bowling night, that's why.
(bowling pins crashing)
(laughing)
- Oh, I see you meeting a
man with black, wavy hair.
- What do I do then?
- Well, if you fall
in love with him,
please get pictures.
He's my husband
and I want a divorce.
(audience laughing)
- All right, Daniel
Elsberg story, take one.
Hey, somebody already took it.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Eda Bad
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
Mama said, "Girls aren't
supposed to run around naked."
But I run around
naked all the time,
but she don't ever find out
because I keep my
clothes on when I do it.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, I'd like a double
shot of red eye.
- You got it!
(audience laughing)
- Gee, that stuff's strong.
- What would you like to
accomplish in life, Eddie?
- Well, I think I'd like to
put an end to disease and war
and find the answer to
eternal life for all of mankind.
- Wow.
I doubt if anyone will ever
be able to do that, Eddie.
- Okay, then I'd like to
learn to play the tuba.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, friends.
This is Chaplain Bud Homily here
with this thought for the day.
Oh, do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.
(audience laughing)
But do unto them first.
- Louise, do you do
anything to keep in shape?
- I do the Canadian
Air Force exercises.
- Do they work?
- If you do them with
the Canadian Air Force.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Shoemaker, do you
ever race your own grass?
- No, and if we
did, they'd bus us.
- There are certain things
a man wants to see in a girl
before he'll take
her to his apartment.
In most cases, it's
about three martinis.
- The weirdest act I ever
saw was Dominic Schpetz,
the Flying Treble Clef.
Dominic would cover his
entire body with gunpowder,
stick a lit bassoon in his mouth
and fire himself
out of a saxophone.
(audience laughing)
- In the sport of muskrat,
which as you know
is played with 14
members, a brother-in-law
and a stick with a nail in it,
Lusgo leads Foonman 8932
going into the eighth snag.
The comeback
story took place when
Rudgin clumped his
pitchroller for a bleachman.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, Dot.
- How are you
today, Ms. McCarthy?
- Just fabulous.
- Let's see here now.
You got one potato, two
potato, three potato, four.
Five potato, six potato,
seven potato more.
Get with it, honey.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I am in the bedroom
of a famous movie star.
Now, she has no
idea that I'm here.
Ms. Grant?
- Who are you?
(laughing)
- I'm Edwards Ralph
and tonight your life is this.
(energetic organ music)
- Oh!
- By the way, we want to thank
MGM's publicity department
for providing us with
the true facts of your life.
- I never worked for MGM,
what are you talking about?
- Few of your fans know
that you are the daughter of
former king and queen of Peru.
- What are you talking about?
- And here they are, all the
way from Peru, your parents!
- Oh hi!
- Let go!
- Remember the time you told
me you wanted to be an actress?
Remember what you say and I say?
- No!
- Oh, see!
She doesn't remember either!
(audience laughing)
- Now, steady.
Now go back in time and
recall the fight in grammar school
that you had with a freckle-face
boy named Josh Golden.
- Are you out of your bird?
- You knocked
out his front tooth.
And tonight, here is that tooth!
- You are out of your bird.
- Now, who is this voice?
- [Recording] That the
only thing we have to fear
is fear itself.
- Franklin Roosevelt!
- Congratulations!
Now your big surprise, Ms.
Grant, your first husband,
former governor of
the Aleutian Islands
and an unemployed
shepherd, Warren Creamer.
- I never saw this
man in all my life.
I never saw...
- No, now your second husband,
ex-midget Teeny Graham.
Number two. (laughing)
Your third husband,
well-known female impersonator
and garage mechanic, Clyde Peck.
- Peck? Clyde Peeck?
- And now your fourth
through seventh husband,
the Greeber Glee Club.
Hi (audience laughing)
- And so, Catherine Grant...
- Catherine Grant?
My name is Lee Grant!
- [Group] Lee Grant?
- We got the wrong
Grant, fellas, let's go.
(audience laughing)
It's the white house
across the street.
- Get out!
Look, just so it's
not a total loss,
does the unemployed
shepherd have to leave?
- [Dick] You mean
Warren Creamer?
Heavens no.
- Oh good because,
my dear, your life is this.
Do you remember the
night you met Lee Grant?
- No.
- Well, you will.
You will.
(audience laughing)
- It's time to go
the party now, Lee.
- Oh, just a minute, Dan.
There's just something
I'd like to clear up.
Dick, you keep telling these
fantastic stories
about your aunt,
like the time that you said
she was trapped in a submarine
with Wilt Chamberlain.
- (laughing) Yeah.
- How'd she get out?
- Who said she got out?
- You mean she's
still trapped down there
and you haven't
done anything about it?
- Of course I have!
Every week I send
her a new basketball.
- Let's go to the party,
that's enough of that.
(lively band music)
- You know, I never
realized how heavy I was
until I gave an old suit
to a family of hippies.
Now they're living in my jacket.
(audience laughing)
- You know, kids
today don't consider
going from person to
person as promiscuity,
they just think of it
as recycling their love.
(audience laughing)
- Now that government
has discovered
the moon is nothing
but desolate wasteland,
they'll probably make it
into Indian reservation.
(audience laughing)
- Let's go up to my place
and watch the Superbowl.
- But it's not on until January.
- I know, but you're gonna
love the pre-game warm-up.
(audience laughing)
- Senator, our newspaper
has figures that show
that a substantial
number of our citizens
do not have adequate housing,
cannot find work and
cannot educate their children.
- Oh, sure, it's just
like you newsmen
to remember only the
bad things about poverty.
(audience laughing)
- My boyfriend got so
excited when I said I do,
he asked me to marry him.
(audience laughing)
- I'm working on an editorial
in favor of the
price wage freeze,
but I'm not handing
it in till I get a raise!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, kids, a girl I know
has a terrible problem.
She got her silicone injections
from a cross-eyed
plastic surgeon
and now her neckline
plunges at a 45% angle.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- I know an outfit you'd
look terrific in, Toots.
- Oh, really?
Well, what is it?
- The 82nd Airborne Division.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You know, it's so hard for
returning veterans to get jobs
that one of them just
volunteered to go back to Vietnam.
He said, "It ain't
much, but it's a living."
(audience laughing)
- Some of the seminarians
have been reading
everything you always
wanted to know about sex
but have been afraid to ask,
but they refer to it as
the book of revelation.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I had the most
wonderful time last night.
I was picked up by a
plainclothesman around midnight
and he held me in custody
until five o'clock this morning
until a cop came along.
(audience laughing)
- The Italian
Anti-Defamation League
has gotten the
producers to soften
the film version of Mario
Puzo's book so much,
they're thinking of calling
it The Fairy Godfather.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- And now as a public service,
more memorabilia for sale
from the Foonman Motion
Pictures studio auction.
Number one, Lynne
Berry's snood collection,
number two, the airsick back
from The High and the Mighty,
number three, the steel
bar Darryl Zanuck bit through
the day they told him Freddie
Bartholomew's voice changed,
number four, a defend
ASP from Cleopatra
with a tattoo on
its side reading,
"Always, Betty Fisher."
- Oh, uh, Lee, I,
this is, I've been,
I've really been anticipating,
I've been expecting,
you know, because
I wanted to, uh,
first of all, I saw you,
I can tell you I even
saw you do the Met,
you know, in the, when
you were in New York,
it's so, because
you had so many,
you've had honors heaped, uh,
and you just, it's not because,
it's because you
deserve, it's absolutely,
the land, there's the landlady,
there's been so many, I mean,
now you're going to, uh,
well, the whole world, it's just
everything is just really open,
you have, you have the
whole world is just your oyster,
it's so fantastic,
you could have any,
now you have to, you're
gonna go back and do
with Peter, you're
going to do Prisoner,
it's so, I hope, I hope
you rent your house.
(audience laughing)
- I've had it!
I'm tired of eating that
same old fish every night!
Night after night
it's the same old fish!
- Okay, okay,
tomorrow I'll go down
and catch you another fish.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Rabu, I have a qu...
(donation can jannging)
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Rabu, can you tell me
why was man put here?
- Because this is
where the earth is.
Next question!
- Oh, Great Rabu,
do you think all the world's
problems would be solved
if man only loved
his fellow man?
- I don't know about
all the problems,
but it certainly
would put an end
to the population explosion.
Move along, please, move along.
- Uh, Rabu, Rabu.
(donation can jangling)
Could you tell me the
secret of having a long life?
- Not for a quarter I couldn't.
That is a 75 cent question.
(audience laughing)
My secret for a long
life is tanna leaves.
Next question!
- Oh, wait a minute!
Tanna leaves, how do tanna
leaves give you a long life?
- It's simple, you
Anglo-Saxon ding-dong.
Each morning when you
arise, take two tanna leaves.
Continue this for 300 years,
and you will live an
extraordinarily long life.
(audience laughing)
- Rabu, is there any
religious significance
to the mark on your forehead?
- Unfortunately,
no, that is a hickey
Next question, next question.
- Rabu baby!
- Please, never
touch a religious man.
- Listen, is it difficult to
learn to lie on a bed of nails?
- Well, it is not
something that a beginner
should jump right into.
I suggest that you
begin the way that I did,
taking catnaps
on one nail at time
and work your way right up.
- Well, is it difficult
to get out of bed?
- Well, not as difficult as it
is to get the bed out of me.
(audience laughing)
I've got my eye
on you, you devil.
- Hi, oh wise Rabu.
It's said that
you're 350 years old
(donation can jangling)
yet your skin is so soft
and your eyes are so clear
and your hair is so silky.
What do you have to say?
- You're not so bad
yourself, big boy.
(audience laughing)
- Last night I went
on a blind date
and I made a boo-boo.
- Oh?
- I wore my new
black chiffon dress.
- What's a matter,
didn't the guy like it?
- That's the problem.
He liked it so much,
he wore it home.
(audience laughing)
- So, Billy Shoemaker, tell
me how do you make a furlong?
- Let the hem down a little.
(audience laughing)
- Well, here I am on Laugh-In.
Another instance of a guy
spinning the wheel of fortune
and losing.
(gasping)
- Oh, Ms. St. John,
will you do me a favor?
- Oh, sure.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Will you do me another one?
(gong ringing)
- Here's an article from
the Los Angeles Times
which might give you
a little bit to think about.
- Hmm.
- A congressional
investigation has revealed
that the Defense Department
spends an average
of one hour and 40 minutes
sending a message which
is stamped immediate,
69 minutes to send a flash.
- Does Melvin Laird
know about this?
- No, he hasn't gotten
the message yet.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, well at that rate,
we either have to speed
up the Defense Department
or slow down the Russians.
- That's right.
So sleep tight, America,
with the knowledge that
if anything happens
during the night,
our Defense Department
will let you know by morning.
- Or certainly within the
week, whichever comes first.
(regal music)
- For being the biggest,
strongest man in the kingdom,
I dub thee Anthony the Giant.
Shucks, better make
that Tony the Tiny.
Sorry, little fella.
- Permission to follow Ms.
Lee Grant to body makeup, sir?
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(jazz music)
Hey, baby, I'm really super glad
You had to come
up and see my pad
I think you can
be my special pal
And you can just call me Sexy Al
No lady could ask
for more than this
So what do you
want for just a kiss
Just a kiss Just a kiss
I want a Mercedes-Benz
A solid gold key
A date with Henry
Kissinger, a home in Capri
A flight to the
moon, I'd like that lot
And then a trip to Venice
on the Burton's yacht
And that's what
I want for a kiss
- You got it.
I'll call up Liv and
Dick tomorrow
and Hank's a good friend of mine
and here is the key to the car.
Well, baby, it's
awful plain to see
You've really gone
crackers over me
I'm practicing
all my self-control
From touching you
with a 10-foot pole
I realize I'm a handsome lug
So what would it
take for just a hug
Just a hug Just a hug
I want a villa in Rome
Yeah that would be fun
An eight by 10 inch picture
signed by Jack Nicholson
A Cartier watch,
the Tiffany ring
The Burbank Philharmonic
playing Carole King
And that's what I want for a hug
- You got it.
Carole's an ask,
Jack's a buddy of mine
and here's the
ring and the watch.
It's getting so
late, I must depart
I knew that you
loved me from the start
I'll tell you exactly how I feel
You're boring, crude,
the perfect schlep
Hey, Mr. Hugh
Hefner, watch your step
Supposing I say
I like your style
Your devil-may-care,
your winning smile
Supposing I say
you're really nice
And what about shoes
and uncooked rice
It's time that I raise a family
And what would
it take to marry me
Marry you Marry me
I want mommy right
now, my teddy bear too
My jammies and the doctor
'cause I'm catching the flu
My lawyer should know
so hand me the phone
I'm sure I'll feel better
when I'm all alone
And that's what
you want to be with
You got it Call me
sometime, you got it
I'm never home, you got it
So long, Sexy Al, you got it
- Yeah, but not so
bad I can't dance.
(audience laughing)
- You know something?
I think I got it too.
- Kiss the teddy!
- No, I got it from him.
- Go on!
(audience applauding)
(whimsical music)
- A number of people
have written in asking
why this program
is pre-recorded.
But because this
program is pre-recorded,
we haven't gotten
any of those letters yet
so we can't answer them.
- I'm making Reny cocktail.
One drink, and you're
just not up to anything.
(audience laughing)
- Permission to set fire
to the wolfhound, sir?
(audience laughing)
- I auditioned for a
film producer last night.
- Did you get the part?
- I don't know.
I got so drunk i can't remember.
- You got the part.
- Willie Shoemaker,
what do you jockeys
generally discuss in the
locker room between races?
- Oh, it's mostly small talk.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- I know a girl who had
15 silicone injections,
and one very hot
day at the beach,
she melted in some guy's arms.
(audience laughing)
- I remember one fellow who
came on The Amateur Hour
with a terrific act.
He jumped off a
20-story building
into a bucket of water
and killed himself.
- Killed himself?
- Well, you gotta remember,
he was only an amateur.
(audience laughing)
Every year at Halloween
We appear upon the scene
You will feel our wrath
when we cross your path
This is what we mean
What's the meows
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
we'll amuse you
We just got to
give your our views
La da dee da
Witches and ghouls,
Laugh Cats look at the news
Here's Dan and Dick Meow
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Jack Webb underplayed,
Andy Warhol underground,
Tony Fields underfed,
PPDs under clothes
and Mickey Rooney
under everything.
And now here's Dan Rowan
with the latest releases.
- But foist, uh, first,
here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- First here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
(audience laughing)
- I did that and you're Dick.
- Ah, well, I'll read it anyway.
(audience laughing)
Helen Gurley Brown, author
of the sensational best-seller
Sex and the Single Girl,
has just completed her
latest long-awaited book.
Just off the presses, the book,
entitled Sex and
the Married Girl,
is three pages long.
(audience laughing)
No?
Later when you're older.
Republican Party insiders
stated flatly yesterday that
Ronald Regan will not
run for the presidency
of the United States in 1972.
Furthermore, they
added he will lose.
(audience laughing)
New York City and
the strangest accident
in television history.
Today 27 people were
rushed to the hospital
suffering from a double hernia
caused by attending a new
audience participation show
called Sing Along
With Ethel Merman.
(audience laughing)
Hits some strange
notes, doesn't she?
And now here is Dan
with news of the future.
- Oh, well done, sir.
News of the future
20 years from now
because there are no more
American combat troops
anywhere in the world this year,
Bob Hope counted
on spending Christmas
at home with his family.
When he tried to enter
the house, however,
his wife had him
arrested as a prowler.
(audience laughing)
Miami Beach, Florida
one year from now.
Trouble occurred today at
the Democratic Convention
when a group of
octogenarians... (laughing)
- That's funny.
- When a group of
octogenarians protested
because the party's
adapted platform
didn't provide enough
benefits for the aging.
When ordered to
disperse peacefully,
the group of 2,000
shouted in unison, "Huh?"
(audience laughing)
- I saw an octogenarian at
the Sea World the other day.
- [Dan] Is that so?
- Yes.
- In news of the future
20 years from now,
(laughing)
in the 1970s, Japan
announced that it had developed
a machine that would
turn ordinary garbage
into building blocks.
You remember reading about that?
Well, today, 20 years later,
the first skyscraper constructed
entirely out of garbage
was opened for inspection.
The grand opening
attracted over 900 people
and 500,000 flies.
(laughing)
- And now for kid news for kids,
we take you to Moosey Dryer
in a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosey here with
kid news for kids.
Should have been with me today.
After school, Butchy let
me ride his new bicycle.
It didn't go very fast,
until I got up on
the top of the hill.
Butchy didn't tell me
the brakes didn't work,
but the policeman did
right after I knocked him over.
Butchy says the bike will
be fixed in about a week
and the garage says
the police motorcycle
will be fixed in about a month
and the doctor
says the policeman
will be fixed in about a year.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
(audience laughing)
- Now we take you to
our man in savage Papua
for an exclusive interview
with the chief of a
headhunting tribe.
- Chief, where do
you hunt for heads?
- Hmm, generally
right above the neck.
(audience laughing)
- Now we take you to
our reporter in Greece.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
here we are in Athens, Greece
to interview one of the
country's foremost dancers.
First, could you show
us one of your steps?
- Certainly.
- Well, that's wonderful.
Tell me something that
I've always wondered,
why do you Greek men
always dance with other men?
I mean, why don't you
dance with women?
- Son of a gun, why
didn't we think of that?
Hey, guys, I got a great
new way to meet broads!
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
Busy Buzzi here reminding you
that man was made
from a little bit of dirt
and so was my fortune.
(laughing)
Watch for the fur to
fly around Hollywood.
May West is miffed
because a major film company
did not offer her the lead role
in the story of her own life.
Studio execs have
decided instead
to go with Ernest Borgnine.
(laughing)
That's it from Tinseltown.
Kissy kissy.
(laughing)
- Now for a look
at what's happening
in the world of fashion secrets,
here's our fashion spy
with a on-the-spot report.
- Okay, chief, I'm
right across the street
from the office of
your major competitor,
Yves Saint Serriant.
He's working on his
latest fashion design
on one of his models.
It looks like he's
going for the maxi!
No, hold it, the
hemline's coming up,
he's gong for the mini!
No, no, it's past the knees,
he's going for the mini.
Wait a minute, chief.
Forget all of that, he's
going for the model.
(audience laughing)
- Wednesday,
Easter Sunday, 1923.
La da dee da
Ladies and gents, Laugh-In
looked at the meows
(audience applauding)
I am calling you
Double 0, double 0
(audience laughing)
And a gracious good
morning to you, sir.
This is Ms. Tomlin of
your phone company.
Was your telephone just ringing?
Oh, it woke you up, did it?
Yes, I'm aware that it's
four o'clock in the morning.
But you see, we found
that this is the best time
to explain to our customers
the benefit of having
our new tinkle tone phone.
Tinkle tone phone.
Well, you see,
sir, with this phone,
we guarantee that you'll
get a lot more sleep.
Well, because if you buy one,
we won't have any
reason to call you up
in the middle of the
night to sell you one.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Hello.
When I'm calling you
Double 0, double 0
(regal music)
- For being the oldest
man in the kingdom,
I dub thee Sir Knight.
(metal clanging)
Oh.
See that this man's
widow is well provided for.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Ha!
(grunting)
(shouting)
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- Permission to cover
the upstairs maid
with margarine downstairs, sir?
(audience laughing)
- What do you want
in your hot dog?
Gimme a beans, gimme a sauce
Gimme a cheese and chives
Gimme a this, gimme a that
Gimme a these and those
Now on second thought,
just gimme a Coke
I'm thirsty.
(audience laughing)
(gong ringing)
- Turn.
And now it's time for
the Whoopie Award
honoring unsung achievement.
- Thank you, Dan, and
in accepting this award
I want to thank
all the little people
who made this
moment even possible.
- Wait a minute, you're
not getting any award.
Tonight we're paying tribute
to Mr. O.V. Wheeler Junior
of Boone Country, Missouri,
the newly elected
Superintendent of Schools.
- What did he do to earn
this admirable accolade?
- His first day
in office, he quit.
- Job finally got to him, eh?
- Well, no, actually, you see,
Mr. Wheeler was
voted in overwhelmingly
after promising he would resign
the moment he was elected.
- Well, he must feel gratified
by all that public confidence?
- Well, he should be.
You see, his platform was
that the office was unnecessary,
the county's money could
be better spent elsewhere.
- Well, at least he stuck to
his promise, if not his job.
- You realize if more
politicians did that,
the government could
be in great shape.
- Well, it only goes to prove
you can't blame a
guy for not trying.
- That's right.
So, Mr. Wheeler, on our
behalf, accept this award.
It may point the way for others.
- Whoopie!
(audience applauding)
- There she goes, Mr. Wheeler.
- Okay, Harry,
turn on the water!
(audience laughing)
- I live in one of those
little bachelor apartments.
It's real groovy.
But I'm always tripping
over the little bachelor.
(audience laughing)
- I could show you scars
that would tear your heart out.
(audience laughing)
- The best way to keep
mascara from running
is to break its legs
before putting it on.
(audience laughing)
- Gee, Mr. Mack, a lot of
today's famous sex symbols
got started on your show.
- Oh yes, a lot of them
even performed on it.
(audience laughing)
- Did you ever try
an SST cocktail?
One drink, and you
think you can fly.
- [Gary] Now, ladies
and gentlemen,
the star of our show, the
world's greatest pantomimist,
Marcel Marsou.
Let's give him a big welcome.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(laughing)
- Listen, when we
finally get off this island,
we'll announce our
engagement, right?
And then we'll have a
great, big wedding, right?
And then we'll go off somewhere
where we can be alone.
- Oh! (laughing)
- [Gary] Some
horticulturalists have proposed
the startling theory
that plants possess
personalities and emotions.
If true, this is bound to
cause some complications.
- Oh, yes, may I help you?
- Yes, we want a plant.
- Oh, well of course
you do, honey,
but the question is
does the plant want you?
- (laughing) Oh, what
are you talking about?
It doesn't have to like me,
all it has to do is look
good in the hallway.
- Well in that case, sir,
you just better take
your business elsewhere.
- Wait a minute, what
kind of nursery is this?
- Oh, it's much more
than a nursery, sweetheart.
This is the home
of Plant Parenthood,
an organization devoted
to finding happy homes
for our potted pals.
(phone ringing)
Oh, excuse me.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Allen.
How is your fern?
(audience laughing)
Oh, just give it
two tablets of mulch
and call me in the morning.
You know how they are.
(laughing) Right.
Oh, that's one of our
more successful adoptions.
- Adaptions?
She adopted a fern?
- Why not?
Did you ever try
having one of your own?
(audience laughing)
- Just let us have a bush, okay?
How much is that
big bush over there?
- This bush?
This bush is not for sale.
- Why not?
- Why not?
This bush so happens
to be my husband!
That's why not!
- Let's go, Esther.
The plants aren't the
only thing that's potted,
she's gone cuckaloo.
- People, mercy
me, I need a drink!
Come on, colonel,
let's go to the bar.
Oh, you tickled me that time!
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(regal music)
I dub thee Harold the Beautiful.
Eek, make that
Harold the Scar Face.
(audience laughing)
- Imagine what it
would be like to be
a model for a great painter,
like Toulouse Lautrec.
Oh.
I can't wait to dream.
(snoring)
(gasps)
Oh, Toulouse, I'm
so glad you're here!
Wouldn't you like to
paint me in the nude?
- Certainly!
I'll take my clothes
off and paint you.
(audience laughing)
- Will you ever forget
the night we met
at the Moulin Rouge?
- Oh boy, I certainly hope so.
- Well, don't you remember?
I was in the can-can.
- I remember and I
was in the lobby lobby.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you don't
appreciate me, Toulouse!
I'm gonna work
for another artist!
- Good, Vincent van
Gogh lives down the hall.
Why don't you go
bend his ear for a while!
(audience laughing)
- Somebody somewhere
will want to paint me!
- Just make sure
they use two coats.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I was a lot taller
before this broad moved in.
(audience laughing)
- Permission to pray
for the monologue, sir?
(audience laughing)
- We like to get your mail,
but to answer some of those
questions is very difficult.
For instance, when you
ask about the quickies
and whether or not...
- Testing, testing,
one, two, three.
- What are you doing?
- Huh?
- What are you doing?
(yelling)
- Right now, I'm
screaming with pain.
- No, what's this
all about, Dick?
- Well, I've decided
to become a lawyer.
(audience laughing)
- You've decided to become a,
well what's all this stuff for?
- Well, I'm gonna put
myself through law school
by opening up a doctor's office.
- Well you're not
qualified to be a doctor.
- Well, I have the
basic requirements.
I'm off on Wednesday,
I have a set of golf clubs
and 14 nurses.
(audience laughing)
- Why 14 nurses?
- Well, if I had any more,
I'm afraid it'd
interfere with my golf.
(audience laughing)
- You don't know the
first thing about medicine.
- Oh yeah?
Ask me a question>
- All right, suppose you had
a patient with a heart attack.
What's the first thing
you'd make him do?
- Pay in advance.
(audience laughing)
- If one of your patients
is going to have a baby?
- I'd tell him not
to life anything.
- You'd tell him?
- Yeah.
- You don't know anything
about delivering a baby.
- I certainly do!
You get plenty of hot
water, warm blankets
and graham crackers,
a lot of graham crackers.
- Graham crackers
for a newborn baby?
- Not for the baby,
dummy, for the stork!
(audience laughing)
- Let's just go to the quickies.
I'll answer your questions...
- I'll be along in a minute,
but first I must wash my hands
to perform a brain transplant.
- Dick, nobody has ever
lived through a brain transplant.
- Hmm, well, in that case,
there's no sense in
washing my hands, is there?
(audience laughing)
- See you after the quickies.
- Permission to retape
the monologue, sir?
(audience laughing)
- Here are my suitcases.
Am I overweight?
- Sure, but we can give
you two seats, lardo.
(audience laughing)
- I sure think it's about
time J. Edgar Hoover retired.
- Would you repeat that
and speak into my badge?
(audience laughing)
- I sure think it's about
time J. Edgar Hoover retired.
- Oh, I'll bet this is
from my son Billy.
"Just a thought
to make you glad,
"to the best mother
a son ever had.
"So here's a card
to bring you joy
"from your loving
son, your boy."
(crying)
(audience laughing)
Gimme a Q, gimme
a U, gimme a I-E-T
What does it spell,
you tell it to me
- [Man] Quiet!
(audience laughing)
(crying)
- Oh, just a thought
to make you glad.
(crying)
To the best mother
a son ever had.
(crying)
Gimme a S, gimme
a H, gimme a S-H-H
Shh (audience laughing)
(saloon music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Leonard, try
not to breathe on me.
I'm smoking.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
(yelling)
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Ted Mack!
You know, you've
certainly been on television
for a long time, haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
I remember Lassie when
she was just a stud fee.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Louise, the sexiest,
handsomest guy I've ever seen
just moved in to my
building, apartment 6B.
- I know, I live
in apartment 6B.
(audience laughing)
- After we retire from racing,
Willy Hartack and I
are going to get together
and become a basketball player.
(audience laughing)
- A lot of agents
are like flashlights.
They work best in a dark room.
- Can you check my bag?
- Check it yourself, buddy,
I only handle suitcases.
(audience laughing)
- Well, counselor cum surgeon,
what did you think
of the quickies?
- Well, they went by so fast,
they reminded me of my uncle,
Dr. Lightning Fingers Ferguson.
- Lightning Fingers Ferguson.
- You know, he performed
open heart surgery
on 15 patients all
at the same time.
- That's amazing.
- No, what's amazing
is one of them
almost lived through
the operation.
(laughing)
- Hark!
(yells)
- Did you hear about the
New York Times cocktail?
Two drinks and you
can't keep a secret.
(laughing)
- No, but I heard about
the Andre Previn cocktail.
One drink and you don't
know how to conduct yourself.
- I prefer the Richard
Nixon cocktail.
No matter how many you drink,
you still see things
perfectly clear.
(audience laughing)
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
(regal music)
- I dub thee a Knight in Armor.
Pity, they just don't make
armor like they used to.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Hiyah!
- Hiyah!
- How ya doin', old buddy!
- How are you doing?
(audience laughing)
- You know, I
certainly appreciate
your coming home with me
to talk to my wife, Dr. Malone.
- Don't worry about it, Henry,
I've handled thousands
of these memory cases.
It's really not
all that serious.
- Oh, darling!
Darling, you're home!
(audience laughing)
- It's that serious.
- No, Margaret,
I'm your husband.
- Hello, Charles.
- It's Henry.
- Oh, oh, I meant Henry Charles.
- Anyway, Margaret,
this is Dr. Malone.
Did you have a nice day?
- Oh, yes, yes.
I was just upstairs talking
to your mother, Charles.
- It's Henry.
- Your mother Henry.
- No, honey, it's your mother.
- My mother Henry.
- Just a minute,
let's review this.
Try to remember, Margaret...
- Oh, of course, I
remember Margaret!
She's sort of a dull,
frumpy plain little...
- You're Margaret!
- Oh, she's beautiful.
(audience laughing)
- You seem to have
a memory block.
Just tell me your
full married name.
- Oh, right.
My full married name is Ms...
- Mrs.
- Ms. Mrs.
No, that doesn't sound right.
(audience laughing)
- Don't worry, I can help her.
Now, I want you
to listen carefully
- He is!
- No, I'm not talking to him.
- But that's silly, two
grown men not talking.
(audience laughing)
- Could you sit down over
here please, Margaret?
Now listen, Margaret,
we're going to try a
professional technique,
it's called repeat to remember.
Wife, Margaret,
husband, Henry, doctor, Malone.
Now, are you ready
to try that game?
- Yeah.
- Wonderful, here we go.
Wife.
- Margaret.
- Husband.
- Henry.
- Doctor Malone.
- Malone.
- Excellent!
Now let's try
it a little faster.
Wife.
- Margaret.
- Husband.
- Henry.
- Doctor Malone.
- Malone.
- Wife.
- Margaret.
- Husband Henry, Doctor Malone.
- Oh, faster, faster,
ever faster, I love it!
- Hold it, hold it!
- Hold it?
Just when I was
beginning to get it?
Wife Margaret, Husband
Henry, Doctor Malone.
- Right, right, Charles.
Just one more session, and
that man will have you cured.
- Oh, thank you, doctor.
- It's Henry!
- Oh, sorry.
(audience laughing)
- See Dan's beard go.
- I know how anxious
you are to say goodnight,
but before you do, why
don't you tell everybody
about our special
show next week?
- Good idea!
We certainly don't want anyone
to miss next week's show, do we?
- No, we certainly we don't.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
next week we're going
to proudly present.
What special show?
(audience laughing)
- 100th anniversary show.
- Oh, how stupid of me!
Dick and myself... - Dan.
- Oh, right.
Dick and Dan and myself
have been on television
for exactly 100 years.
- No, no, no.
Folks, it's going to
be our 100th show
and all the old
cuckoos are going be
back with us to celebrate.
- Even Tiny Tim?
- Not only Tiny Tim,
we're going to have
one of the biggest stars
of all time, Mr. John Wayne.
- Boy, what a show!
I don't know about you,
but next Monday night,
I'll be home with my
eyes glued to the TV set.
- What are you talking about?
Next Monday night
you're going to be here.
- Just my luck.
Rowan and Martin
are going to have
their 100th anniversary
show and I've gotta work.
(audience laughing)
- That's the way it goes.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- You know, reading ability
in the Burbank High School
was found to be on
a sixth grade level
and that was just the faculty.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Burbank
lost the chance for
the National Football
League franchise
because of financial reasons.
- You mean they
couldn't afford a stadium?
- No, they couldn't
afford a football.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Dick!
- [Dick] Hey!
- You know something?
There are now
making a huge bridge
to cross the Burbank River.
Now, as soon as they finish it,
they're going to
start making a river.
(audience laughing)
- The Burbank city
treasurer ran away
with all the city's funds
and before they could
catch up with him,
he had spent it
all on six gumballs.
- [Men] How many?
- Six! (laughs)
- Hey, Larry!
- Yeah?
- What has two necks,
three feet and a long beak?
- She's right there.
- (laughing) No, no.
The house special at the
Burbank Chicken Deluxe.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(one person clapping)
(phone ringing)
(grunting)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Somebody just stole your car!
They stole your car!
- What do I do, what do I do?
- Don't worry, I got the
licence plate number.
(audience laughing)
- Now remember,
Laseler, as soon you jump
you count to 10,
pull the ripcord.
- D-D-D-Don't
worry.
- Good luck!
- O-O-O-One.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to buy an album.
- Well, do you prefer
the light lilting sound
of a female vocalist,
or the deeper, more resonant
tones of a male signer?
- Both, give me a
Wayne Newton record.
(audience laughing)
- Get in there!
It's where all you
corrupt politicians belong!
- Yeah, well, this is a bum rap!
I didn't do it, I want
to talk to the governor!
- Yes?
(audience laughing)
- Aspirin commercial, take two.
And call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, excuse me, where
can I find the bananas?
- For you, on a tree
in South America.
Next!
(audience laughing)
- Uh, lady?
- Excuse me.
Hmm?
- Can I borrow your pen?
- Oh, certainly.
Just a moment, the carpenter
needs to borrow my pen.
- Oh, you wanna hold this?
- Oh, sure.
- Thanks.
Give it right back to you.
Okay.
(gasps)
(audience laughing)
- Aw, darnit!
- Well what were you
working on anyway?
- Plans for a new drawing board.
Well, back to the
old drawing board.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- Oh, just window shopping.
I think I'll take this one.
(audience laughing)
Excuse me.
- Boy, did I have
a rough flight in
from New York the other day.
I got bounced
all over the plane.
That's the last time I fly
with the Los Angeles Rams.
- One advantage of my height,
if someone short sheets the bed,
it doesn't make any difference.
- This is Jill St. John
with a beauty hint.
Girls, for beautiful,
firm faces,
I heartily recommend mud packs,
except for women in California
where they have a
tendency to slide off your face.
- Hi, I'm Ted Mack.
I wanted to talk to you about...
(audience laughing)
- Oh boy, have we
got a guest tonight.
- Well I don't know,
but I certainly hope so.
- Well of course
we have a guest.
You know we have a
guest, it's Lee Grant.
- Gee, I hope he does
his, "Judy, Judy, Judy."
- Oh, come on,
that's Cary Grant.
- Oh.
How do I get out
of this pose, then?
(audience laughing)
- No, tonight our
guest is Lee Grant,
very well-known, one of
Hollywood's finest actresses.
- That's true.
Last year she got
an Oscar nomination.
- That's right.
- And did you ever
see the Neon Ceiling?
- Oh yes, she...
- Won the Emmy for it.
- Won the Emmy for that
and it's a real pleasure to
present to you tonight's guest,
the very lovely and talented
actress Ms. Lee Grant.
(applauding)
- Oh, wow!
Wow!
Wow!
- Oh, I'm so glad to be here,
I can't tell you, I really am.
- Me too.
You know, we're gonna do
the famous balcony scene
from Romeo and Juliet.
- What do you mean?
- Hark!
- [Dan] What?
- That's fantastic!
Did you see, he changed
moods just like that.
- Yeah, he's good at that.
- You know, working with
an actor of your stature
is going to be a
distinct pleasure.
- Thank you.
Hark!
(audience laughing)
- That's wonderful, really!
- Hark!
- Come on, Richard, I want
to hear this further away.
- Yeah, I agree with you.
- I'll give 'em one more.
Hark!
(audience laughing)
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
medical center and
gambling casino,
NBC, the Nimble
But Clumsy network,
passes a fumble and presents
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the
high-stepping Dan Rowan
and the flat-footed Dick Martin
with special guest
star Lee Grant
and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues
and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma, Richard Dawson
and Larry Hovis
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with these words for people
short on cash these days.
Hi, everybody.
But first, this commercial.
- Hey, don't use
up all the shampoo!
- I only used up this much
and it comes in an
unbreakable tube.
Here, catch.
(glass shattering)
- Hey, you're right.
It didn't break. (laughing)
- In my day, I've
seen a lot of amateurs
who act like professionals,
but here are two professionals
who act like amateurs,
Dick and Dan.
(audience cheering)
- Thank you.
Keep that good
thought for the next hour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight our show is...
We're in the money
We're in the money
- Why are you singing that?
- Because I happen
to be retiring.
- You're retiring?
- Yes, the next time you and I
come out here to
talk to each other,
you'll be all alone.
(audience laughing)
- You know that I have
felt like that for years?
- Yeah, yeah,
sweet talk me now that
you know I'm a millionaire.
- What do you
mean a millionaire?
- Well, just take
a look at this.
- What's that supposed to be?
- And so as my jealous partner
feasts his eyes on
my newfound wealth,
I'd like to thank all my
friends and fans for their loyalty
and bid you a fond farewell.
So long, peasants!
(audience laughing)
- Just a minute, now
what's that supposed to be?
- Well, it's a diamond!
Don't drop it!
- What do you
mean don't drop it?
- Well, I dropped it on
the carpet this morning
and I chipped off a few pieces.
- Dick, a diamond is the
hardest thing in the world.
- No, no, the hardest
thing in the world
is to kiss a
chicken on the lips.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, you're the guy
who would know too.
Well it's obvious you
don't know anything
about precious stones.
- Well, just try me.
- I suppose if I asked
you what a karat was,
you'd tell me it was
something you eat.
- Not me.
Carrots are something
that Bugs Bunny would eat.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know
what a birthstone is?
- Oh yeah, that's an easy one.
My uncle had one, a
lot of pain right here.
- No, no, no,
that's a gallstone.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- A birthstone.
They have a birthstone
for every month of the year.
I bet you don't
know one of them.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, there's January,
there's February,
there's September.
- All right, all right.
Where did you get
this so-called diamond?
- Well, I purchased it from
a multi-millionaire
jewel merchant
right here in the men's
washroom at NBC.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, what's a
multi-millionaire jewel merchant
doing in the washroom at NBC?
- Well, I've learned that no
matter how much money you have,
there are certain
things that you must do.
(audience laughing)
- All right, all right.
What did you pay for it?
- $20.
- 20?
Why would anybody sell
you a million dollar diamond
for 20 bucks?
- Well, I must have
reminded him of someone.
- What do you mean?
- Said he'd been looking
all over for a guy like me.
- I'll bet he has.
Well let me be the
first to congratulate you,
you just paid 20
bucks for a doorknob.
- A doorknob?
I feel like a fool!
I'll be the laughingstock
of my neighborhood.
- Well, maybe they
won't find out about it.
- How can they help it?
A $20,000 house with a
million dollar doorknob.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(regal music)
- I dub thee Winston the Lucky.
Oops.
Better make that
just plain Winston.
- Permission to pinch
Ms. Lee Grant, sir?
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Camilla!
I am home from doing
battle with the Norman!
- Oh, thank heavens
you weren't hurt!
(metal clanging)
- That joke was
not very tasteful,
but then neither is yogurt
and a lot of people
swallow that.
(audience laughing)
- Why can't we just spend a
quiet evening at home together?
- Because it's my
bowling night, that's why.
(bowling pins crashing)
(laughing)
- Oh, I see you meeting a
man with black, wavy hair.
- What do I do then?
- Well, if you fall
in love with him,
please get pictures.
He's my husband
and I want a divorce.
(audience laughing)
- All right, Daniel
Elsberg story, take one.
Hey, somebody already took it.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Eda Bad
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
Mama said, "Girls aren't
supposed to run around naked."
But I run around
naked all the time,
but she don't ever find out
because I keep my
clothes on when I do it.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, I'd like a double
shot of red eye.
- You got it!
(audience laughing)
- Gee, that stuff's strong.
- What would you like to
accomplish in life, Eddie?
- Well, I think I'd like to
put an end to disease and war
and find the answer to
eternal life for all of mankind.
- Wow.
I doubt if anyone will ever
be able to do that, Eddie.
- Okay, then I'd like to
learn to play the tuba.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, friends.
This is Chaplain Bud Homily here
with this thought for the day.
Oh, do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.
(audience laughing)
But do unto them first.
- Louise, do you do
anything to keep in shape?
- I do the Canadian
Air Force exercises.
- Do they work?
- If you do them with
the Canadian Air Force.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Shoemaker, do you
ever race your own grass?
- No, and if we
did, they'd bus us.
- There are certain things
a man wants to see in a girl
before he'll take
her to his apartment.
In most cases, it's
about three martinis.
- The weirdest act I ever
saw was Dominic Schpetz,
the Flying Treble Clef.
Dominic would cover his
entire body with gunpowder,
stick a lit bassoon in his mouth
and fire himself
out of a saxophone.
(audience laughing)
- In the sport of muskrat,
which as you know
is played with 14
members, a brother-in-law
and a stick with a nail in it,
Lusgo leads Foonman 8932
going into the eighth snag.
The comeback
story took place when
Rudgin clumped his
pitchroller for a bleachman.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, Dot.
- How are you
today, Ms. McCarthy?
- Just fabulous.
- Let's see here now.
You got one potato, two
potato, three potato, four.
Five potato, six potato,
seven potato more.
Get with it, honey.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I am in the bedroom
of a famous movie star.
Now, she has no
idea that I'm here.
Ms. Grant?
- Who are you?
(laughing)
- I'm Edwards Ralph
and tonight your life is this.
(energetic organ music)
- Oh!
- By the way, we want to thank
MGM's publicity department
for providing us with
the true facts of your life.
- I never worked for MGM,
what are you talking about?
- Few of your fans know
that you are the daughter of
former king and queen of Peru.
- What are you talking about?
- And here they are, all the
way from Peru, your parents!
- Oh hi!
- Let go!
- Remember the time you told
me you wanted to be an actress?
Remember what you say and I say?
- No!
- Oh, see!
She doesn't remember either!
(audience laughing)
- Now, steady.
Now go back in time and
recall the fight in grammar school
that you had with a freckle-face
boy named Josh Golden.
- Are you out of your bird?
- You knocked
out his front tooth.
And tonight, here is that tooth!
- You are out of your bird.
- Now, who is this voice?
- [Recording] That the
only thing we have to fear
is fear itself.
- Franklin Roosevelt!
- Congratulations!
Now your big surprise, Ms.
Grant, your first husband,
former governor of
the Aleutian Islands
and an unemployed
shepherd, Warren Creamer.
- I never saw this
man in all my life.
I never saw...
- No, now your second husband,
ex-midget Teeny Graham.
Number two. (laughing)
Your third husband,
well-known female impersonator
and garage mechanic, Clyde Peck.
- Peck? Clyde Peeck?
- And now your fourth
through seventh husband,
the Greeber Glee Club.
Hi (audience laughing)
- And so, Catherine Grant...
- Catherine Grant?
My name is Lee Grant!
- [Group] Lee Grant?
- We got the wrong
Grant, fellas, let's go.
(audience laughing)
It's the white house
across the street.
- Get out!
Look, just so it's
not a total loss,
does the unemployed
shepherd have to leave?
- [Dick] You mean
Warren Creamer?
Heavens no.
- Oh good because,
my dear, your life is this.
Do you remember the
night you met Lee Grant?
- No.
- Well, you will.
You will.
(audience laughing)
- It's time to go
the party now, Lee.
- Oh, just a minute, Dan.
There's just something
I'd like to clear up.
Dick, you keep telling these
fantastic stories
about your aunt,
like the time that you said
she was trapped in a submarine
with Wilt Chamberlain.
- (laughing) Yeah.
- How'd she get out?
- Who said she got out?
- You mean she's
still trapped down there
and you haven't
done anything about it?
- Of course I have!
Every week I send
her a new basketball.
- Let's go to the party,
that's enough of that.
(lively band music)
- You know, I never
realized how heavy I was
until I gave an old suit
to a family of hippies.
Now they're living in my jacket.
(audience laughing)
- You know, kids
today don't consider
going from person to
person as promiscuity,
they just think of it
as recycling their love.
(audience laughing)
- Now that government
has discovered
the moon is nothing
but desolate wasteland,
they'll probably make it
into Indian reservation.
(audience laughing)
- Let's go up to my place
and watch the Superbowl.
- But it's not on until January.
- I know, but you're gonna
love the pre-game warm-up.
(audience laughing)
- Senator, our newspaper
has figures that show
that a substantial
number of our citizens
do not have adequate housing,
cannot find work and
cannot educate their children.
- Oh, sure, it's just
like you newsmen
to remember only the
bad things about poverty.
(audience laughing)
- My boyfriend got so
excited when I said I do,
he asked me to marry him.
(audience laughing)
- I'm working on an editorial
in favor of the
price wage freeze,
but I'm not handing
it in till I get a raise!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, kids, a girl I know
has a terrible problem.
She got her silicone injections
from a cross-eyed
plastic surgeon
and now her neckline
plunges at a 45% angle.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- I know an outfit you'd
look terrific in, Toots.
- Oh, really?
Well, what is it?
- The 82nd Airborne Division.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You know, it's so hard for
returning veterans to get jobs
that one of them just
volunteered to go back to Vietnam.
He said, "It ain't
much, but it's a living."
(audience laughing)
- Some of the seminarians
have been reading
everything you always
wanted to know about sex
but have been afraid to ask,
but they refer to it as
the book of revelation.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I had the most
wonderful time last night.
I was picked up by a
plainclothesman around midnight
and he held me in custody
until five o'clock this morning
until a cop came along.
(audience laughing)
- The Italian
Anti-Defamation League
has gotten the
producers to soften
the film version of Mario
Puzo's book so much,
they're thinking of calling
it The Fairy Godfather.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- And now as a public service,
more memorabilia for sale
from the Foonman Motion
Pictures studio auction.
Number one, Lynne
Berry's snood collection,
number two, the airsick back
from The High and the Mighty,
number three, the steel
bar Darryl Zanuck bit through
the day they told him Freddie
Bartholomew's voice changed,
number four, a defend
ASP from Cleopatra
with a tattoo on
its side reading,
"Always, Betty Fisher."
- Oh, uh, Lee, I,
this is, I've been,
I've really been anticipating,
I've been expecting,
you know, because
I wanted to, uh,
first of all, I saw you,
I can tell you I even
saw you do the Met,
you know, in the, when
you were in New York,
it's so, because
you had so many,
you've had honors heaped, uh,
and you just, it's not because,
it's because you
deserve, it's absolutely,
the land, there's the landlady,
there's been so many, I mean,
now you're going to, uh,
well, the whole world, it's just
everything is just really open,
you have, you have the
whole world is just your oyster,
it's so fantastic,
you could have any,
now you have to, you're
gonna go back and do
with Peter, you're
going to do Prisoner,
it's so, I hope, I hope
you rent your house.
(audience laughing)
- I've had it!
I'm tired of eating that
same old fish every night!
Night after night
it's the same old fish!
- Okay, okay,
tomorrow I'll go down
and catch you another fish.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Rabu, I have a qu...
(donation can jannging)
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Rabu, can you tell me
why was man put here?
- Because this is
where the earth is.
Next question!
- Oh, Great Rabu,
do you think all the world's
problems would be solved
if man only loved
his fellow man?
- I don't know about
all the problems,
but it certainly
would put an end
to the population explosion.
Move along, please, move along.
- Uh, Rabu, Rabu.
(donation can jangling)
Could you tell me the
secret of having a long life?
- Not for a quarter I couldn't.
That is a 75 cent question.
(audience laughing)
My secret for a long
life is tanna leaves.
Next question!
- Oh, wait a minute!
Tanna leaves, how do tanna
leaves give you a long life?
- It's simple, you
Anglo-Saxon ding-dong.
Each morning when you
arise, take two tanna leaves.
Continue this for 300 years,
and you will live an
extraordinarily long life.
(audience laughing)
- Rabu, is there any
religious significance
to the mark on your forehead?
- Unfortunately,
no, that is a hickey
Next question, next question.
- Rabu baby!
- Please, never
touch a religious man.
- Listen, is it difficult to
learn to lie on a bed of nails?
- Well, it is not
something that a beginner
should jump right into.
I suggest that you
begin the way that I did,
taking catnaps
on one nail at time
and work your way right up.
- Well, is it difficult
to get out of bed?
- Well, not as difficult as it
is to get the bed out of me.
(audience laughing)
I've got my eye
on you, you devil.
- Hi, oh wise Rabu.
It's said that
you're 350 years old
(donation can jangling)
yet your skin is so soft
and your eyes are so clear
and your hair is so silky.
What do you have to say?
- You're not so bad
yourself, big boy.
(audience laughing)
- Last night I went
on a blind date
and I made a boo-boo.
- Oh?
- I wore my new
black chiffon dress.
- What's a matter,
didn't the guy like it?
- That's the problem.
He liked it so much,
he wore it home.
(audience laughing)
- So, Billy Shoemaker, tell
me how do you make a furlong?
- Let the hem down a little.
(audience laughing)
- Well, here I am on Laugh-In.
Another instance of a guy
spinning the wheel of fortune
and losing.
(gasping)
- Oh, Ms. St. John,
will you do me a favor?
- Oh, sure.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Will you do me another one?
(gong ringing)
- Here's an article from
the Los Angeles Times
which might give you
a little bit to think about.
- Hmm.
- A congressional
investigation has revealed
that the Defense Department
spends an average
of one hour and 40 minutes
sending a message which
is stamped immediate,
69 minutes to send a flash.
- Does Melvin Laird
know about this?
- No, he hasn't gotten
the message yet.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, well at that rate,
we either have to speed
up the Defense Department
or slow down the Russians.
- That's right.
So sleep tight, America,
with the knowledge that
if anything happens
during the night,
our Defense Department
will let you know by morning.
- Or certainly within the
week, whichever comes first.
(regal music)
- For being the biggest,
strongest man in the kingdom,
I dub thee Anthony the Giant.
Shucks, better make
that Tony the Tiny.
Sorry, little fella.
- Permission to follow Ms.
Lee Grant to body makeup, sir?
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(jazz music)
Hey, baby, I'm really super glad
You had to come
up and see my pad
I think you can
be my special pal
And you can just call me Sexy Al
No lady could ask
for more than this
So what do you
want for just a kiss
Just a kiss Just a kiss
I want a Mercedes-Benz
A solid gold key
A date with Henry
Kissinger, a home in Capri
A flight to the
moon, I'd like that lot
And then a trip to Venice
on the Burton's yacht
And that's what
I want for a kiss
- You got it.
I'll call up Liv and
Dick tomorrow
and Hank's a good friend of mine
and here is the key to the car.
Well, baby, it's
awful plain to see
You've really gone
crackers over me
I'm practicing
all my self-control
From touching you
with a 10-foot pole
I realize I'm a handsome lug
So what would it
take for just a hug
Just a hug Just a hug
I want a villa in Rome
Yeah that would be fun
An eight by 10 inch picture
signed by Jack Nicholson
A Cartier watch,
the Tiffany ring
The Burbank Philharmonic
playing Carole King
And that's what I want for a hug
- You got it.
Carole's an ask,
Jack's a buddy of mine
and here's the
ring and the watch.
It's getting so
late, I must depart
I knew that you
loved me from the start
I'll tell you exactly how I feel
You're boring, crude,
the perfect schlep
Hey, Mr. Hugh
Hefner, watch your step
Supposing I say
I like your style
Your devil-may-care,
your winning smile
Supposing I say
you're really nice
And what about shoes
and uncooked rice
It's time that I raise a family
And what would
it take to marry me
Marry you Marry me
I want mommy right
now, my teddy bear too
My jammies and the doctor
'cause I'm catching the flu
My lawyer should know
so hand me the phone
I'm sure I'll feel better
when I'm all alone
And that's what
you want to be with
You got it Call me
sometime, you got it
I'm never home, you got it
So long, Sexy Al, you got it
- Yeah, but not so
bad I can't dance.
(audience laughing)
- You know something?
I think I got it too.
- Kiss the teddy!
- No, I got it from him.
- Go on!
(audience applauding)
(whimsical music)
- A number of people
have written in asking
why this program
is pre-recorded.
But because this
program is pre-recorded,
we haven't gotten
any of those letters yet
so we can't answer them.
- I'm making Reny cocktail.
One drink, and you're
just not up to anything.
(audience laughing)
- Permission to set fire
to the wolfhound, sir?
(audience laughing)
- I auditioned for a
film producer last night.
- Did you get the part?
- I don't know.
I got so drunk i can't remember.
- You got the part.
- Willie Shoemaker,
what do you jockeys
generally discuss in the
locker room between races?
- Oh, it's mostly small talk.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- I know a girl who had
15 silicone injections,
and one very hot
day at the beach,
she melted in some guy's arms.
(audience laughing)
- I remember one fellow who
came on The Amateur Hour
with a terrific act.
He jumped off a
20-story building
into a bucket of water
and killed himself.
- Killed himself?
- Well, you gotta remember,
he was only an amateur.
(audience laughing)
Every year at Halloween
We appear upon the scene
You will feel our wrath
when we cross your path
This is what we mean
What's the meows
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
we'll amuse you
We just got to
give your our views
La da dee da
Witches and ghouls,
Laugh Cats look at the news
Here's Dan and Dick Meow
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Jack Webb underplayed,
Andy Warhol underground,
Tony Fields underfed,
PPDs under clothes
and Mickey Rooney
under everything.
And now here's Dan Rowan
with the latest releases.
- But foist, uh, first,
here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- First here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
(audience laughing)
- I did that and you're Dick.
- Ah, well, I'll read it anyway.
(audience laughing)
Helen Gurley Brown, author
of the sensational best-seller
Sex and the Single Girl,
has just completed her
latest long-awaited book.
Just off the presses, the book,
entitled Sex and
the Married Girl,
is three pages long.
(audience laughing)
No?
Later when you're older.
Republican Party insiders
stated flatly yesterday that
Ronald Regan will not
run for the presidency
of the United States in 1972.
Furthermore, they
added he will lose.
(audience laughing)
New York City and
the strangest accident
in television history.
Today 27 people were
rushed to the hospital
suffering from a double hernia
caused by attending a new
audience participation show
called Sing Along
With Ethel Merman.
(audience laughing)
Hits some strange
notes, doesn't she?
And now here is Dan
with news of the future.
- Oh, well done, sir.
News of the future
20 years from now
because there are no more
American combat troops
anywhere in the world this year,
Bob Hope counted
on spending Christmas
at home with his family.
When he tried to enter
the house, however,
his wife had him
arrested as a prowler.
(audience laughing)
Miami Beach, Florida
one year from now.
Trouble occurred today at
the Democratic Convention
when a group of
octogenarians... (laughing)
- That's funny.
- When a group of
octogenarians protested
because the party's
adapted platform
didn't provide enough
benefits for the aging.
When ordered to
disperse peacefully,
the group of 2,000
shouted in unison, "Huh?"
(audience laughing)
- I saw an octogenarian at
the Sea World the other day.
- [Dan] Is that so?
- Yes.
- In news of the future
20 years from now,
(laughing)
in the 1970s, Japan
announced that it had developed
a machine that would
turn ordinary garbage
into building blocks.
You remember reading about that?
Well, today, 20 years later,
the first skyscraper constructed
entirely out of garbage
was opened for inspection.
The grand opening
attracted over 900 people
and 500,000 flies.
(laughing)
- And now for kid news for kids,
we take you to Moosey Dryer
in a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosey here with
kid news for kids.
Should have been with me today.
After school, Butchy let
me ride his new bicycle.
It didn't go very fast,
until I got up on
the top of the hill.
Butchy didn't tell me
the brakes didn't work,
but the policeman did
right after I knocked him over.
Butchy says the bike will
be fixed in about a week
and the garage says
the police motorcycle
will be fixed in about a month
and the doctor
says the policeman
will be fixed in about a year.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
(audience laughing)
- Now we take you to
our man in savage Papua
for an exclusive interview
with the chief of a
headhunting tribe.
- Chief, where do
you hunt for heads?
- Hmm, generally
right above the neck.
(audience laughing)
- Now we take you to
our reporter in Greece.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
here we are in Athens, Greece
to interview one of the
country's foremost dancers.
First, could you show
us one of your steps?
- Certainly.
- Well, that's wonderful.
Tell me something that
I've always wondered,
why do you Greek men
always dance with other men?
I mean, why don't you
dance with women?
- Son of a gun, why
didn't we think of that?
Hey, guys, I got a great
new way to meet broads!
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
Busy Buzzi here reminding you
that man was made
from a little bit of dirt
and so was my fortune.
(laughing)
Watch for the fur to
fly around Hollywood.
May West is miffed
because a major film company
did not offer her the lead role
in the story of her own life.
Studio execs have
decided instead
to go with Ernest Borgnine.
(laughing)
That's it from Tinseltown.
Kissy kissy.
(laughing)
- Now for a look
at what's happening
in the world of fashion secrets,
here's our fashion spy
with a on-the-spot report.
- Okay, chief, I'm
right across the street
from the office of
your major competitor,
Yves Saint Serriant.
He's working on his
latest fashion design
on one of his models.
It looks like he's
going for the maxi!
No, hold it, the
hemline's coming up,
he's gong for the mini!
No, no, it's past the knees,
he's going for the mini.
Wait a minute, chief.
Forget all of that, he's
going for the model.
(audience laughing)
- Wednesday,
Easter Sunday, 1923.
La da dee da
Ladies and gents, Laugh-In
looked at the meows
(audience applauding)
I am calling you
Double 0, double 0
(audience laughing)
And a gracious good
morning to you, sir.
This is Ms. Tomlin of
your phone company.
Was your telephone just ringing?
Oh, it woke you up, did it?
Yes, I'm aware that it's
four o'clock in the morning.
But you see, we found
that this is the best time
to explain to our customers
the benefit of having
our new tinkle tone phone.
Tinkle tone phone.
Well, you see,
sir, with this phone,
we guarantee that you'll
get a lot more sleep.
Well, because if you buy one,
we won't have any
reason to call you up
in the middle of the
night to sell you one.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Hello.
When I'm calling you
Double 0, double 0
(regal music)
- For being the oldest
man in the kingdom,
I dub thee Sir Knight.
(metal clanging)
Oh.
See that this man's
widow is well provided for.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Ha!
(grunting)
(shouting)
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- Permission to cover
the upstairs maid
with margarine downstairs, sir?
(audience laughing)
- What do you want
in your hot dog?
Gimme a beans, gimme a sauce
Gimme a cheese and chives
Gimme a this, gimme a that
Gimme a these and those
Now on second thought,
just gimme a Coke
I'm thirsty.
(audience laughing)
(gong ringing)
- Turn.
And now it's time for
the Whoopie Award
honoring unsung achievement.
- Thank you, Dan, and
in accepting this award
I want to thank
all the little people
who made this
moment even possible.
- Wait a minute, you're
not getting any award.
Tonight we're paying tribute
to Mr. O.V. Wheeler Junior
of Boone Country, Missouri,
the newly elected
Superintendent of Schools.
- What did he do to earn
this admirable accolade?
- His first day
in office, he quit.
- Job finally got to him, eh?
- Well, no, actually, you see,
Mr. Wheeler was
voted in overwhelmingly
after promising he would resign
the moment he was elected.
- Well, he must feel gratified
by all that public confidence?
- Well, he should be.
You see, his platform was
that the office was unnecessary,
the county's money could
be better spent elsewhere.
- Well, at least he stuck to
his promise, if not his job.
- You realize if more
politicians did that,
the government could
be in great shape.
- Well, it only goes to prove
you can't blame a
guy for not trying.
- That's right.
So, Mr. Wheeler, on our
behalf, accept this award.
It may point the way for others.
- Whoopie!
(audience applauding)
- There she goes, Mr. Wheeler.
- Okay, Harry,
turn on the water!
(audience laughing)
- I live in one of those
little bachelor apartments.
It's real groovy.
But I'm always tripping
over the little bachelor.
(audience laughing)
- I could show you scars
that would tear your heart out.
(audience laughing)
- The best way to keep
mascara from running
is to break its legs
before putting it on.
(audience laughing)
- Gee, Mr. Mack, a lot of
today's famous sex symbols
got started on your show.
- Oh yes, a lot of them
even performed on it.
(audience laughing)
- Did you ever try
an SST cocktail?
One drink, and you
think you can fly.
- [Gary] Now, ladies
and gentlemen,
the star of our show, the
world's greatest pantomimist,
Marcel Marsou.
Let's give him a big welcome.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(laughing)
- Listen, when we
finally get off this island,
we'll announce our
engagement, right?
And then we'll have a
great, big wedding, right?
And then we'll go off somewhere
where we can be alone.
- Oh! (laughing)
- [Gary] Some
horticulturalists have proposed
the startling theory
that plants possess
personalities and emotions.
If true, this is bound to
cause some complications.
- Oh, yes, may I help you?
- Yes, we want a plant.
- Oh, well of course
you do, honey,
but the question is
does the plant want you?
- (laughing) Oh, what
are you talking about?
It doesn't have to like me,
all it has to do is look
good in the hallway.
- Well in that case, sir,
you just better take
your business elsewhere.
- Wait a minute, what
kind of nursery is this?
- Oh, it's much more
than a nursery, sweetheart.
This is the home
of Plant Parenthood,
an organization devoted
to finding happy homes
for our potted pals.
(phone ringing)
Oh, excuse me.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Allen.
How is your fern?
(audience laughing)
Oh, just give it
two tablets of mulch
and call me in the morning.
You know how they are.
(laughing) Right.
Oh, that's one of our
more successful adoptions.
- Adaptions?
She adopted a fern?
- Why not?
Did you ever try
having one of your own?
(audience laughing)
- Just let us have a bush, okay?
How much is that
big bush over there?
- This bush?
This bush is not for sale.
- Why not?
- Why not?
This bush so happens
to be my husband!
That's why not!
- Let's go, Esther.
The plants aren't the
only thing that's potted,
she's gone cuckaloo.
- People, mercy
me, I need a drink!
Come on, colonel,
let's go to the bar.
Oh, you tickled me that time!
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(regal music)
I dub thee Harold the Beautiful.
Eek, make that
Harold the Scar Face.
(audience laughing)
- Imagine what it
would be like to be
a model for a great painter,
like Toulouse Lautrec.
Oh.
I can't wait to dream.
(snoring)
(gasps)
Oh, Toulouse, I'm
so glad you're here!
Wouldn't you like to
paint me in the nude?
- Certainly!
I'll take my clothes
off and paint you.
(audience laughing)
- Will you ever forget
the night we met
at the Moulin Rouge?
- Oh boy, I certainly hope so.
- Well, don't you remember?
I was in the can-can.
- I remember and I
was in the lobby lobby.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you don't
appreciate me, Toulouse!
I'm gonna work
for another artist!
- Good, Vincent van
Gogh lives down the hall.
Why don't you go
bend his ear for a while!
(audience laughing)
- Somebody somewhere
will want to paint me!
- Just make sure
they use two coats.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I was a lot taller
before this broad moved in.
(audience laughing)
- Permission to pray
for the monologue, sir?
(audience laughing)
- We like to get your mail,
but to answer some of those
questions is very difficult.
For instance, when you
ask about the quickies
and whether or not...
- Testing, testing,
one, two, three.
- What are you doing?
- Huh?
- What are you doing?
(yelling)
- Right now, I'm
screaming with pain.
- No, what's this
all about, Dick?
- Well, I've decided
to become a lawyer.
(audience laughing)
- You've decided to become a,
well what's all this stuff for?
- Well, I'm gonna put
myself through law school
by opening up a doctor's office.
- Well you're not
qualified to be a doctor.
- Well, I have the
basic requirements.
I'm off on Wednesday,
I have a set of golf clubs
and 14 nurses.
(audience laughing)
- Why 14 nurses?
- Well, if I had any more,
I'm afraid it'd
interfere with my golf.
(audience laughing)
- You don't know the
first thing about medicine.
- Oh yeah?
Ask me a question>
- All right, suppose you had
a patient with a heart attack.
What's the first thing
you'd make him do?
- Pay in advance.
(audience laughing)
- If one of your patients
is going to have a baby?
- I'd tell him not
to life anything.
- You'd tell him?
- Yeah.
- You don't know anything
about delivering a baby.
- I certainly do!
You get plenty of hot
water, warm blankets
and graham crackers,
a lot of graham crackers.
- Graham crackers
for a newborn baby?
- Not for the baby,
dummy, for the stork!
(audience laughing)
- Let's just go to the quickies.
I'll answer your questions...
- I'll be along in a minute,
but first I must wash my hands
to perform a brain transplant.
- Dick, nobody has ever
lived through a brain transplant.
- Hmm, well, in that case,
there's no sense in
washing my hands, is there?
(audience laughing)
- See you after the quickies.
- Permission to retape
the monologue, sir?
(audience laughing)
- Here are my suitcases.
Am I overweight?
- Sure, but we can give
you two seats, lardo.
(audience laughing)
- I sure think it's about
time J. Edgar Hoover retired.
- Would you repeat that
and speak into my badge?
(audience laughing)
- I sure think it's about
time J. Edgar Hoover retired.
- Oh, I'll bet this is
from my son Billy.
"Just a thought
to make you glad,
"to the best mother
a son ever had.
"So here's a card
to bring you joy
"from your loving
son, your boy."
(crying)
(audience laughing)
Gimme a Q, gimme
a U, gimme a I-E-T
What does it spell,
you tell it to me
- [Man] Quiet!
(audience laughing)
(crying)
- Oh, just a thought
to make you glad.
(crying)
To the best mother
a son ever had.
(crying)
Gimme a S, gimme
a H, gimme a S-H-H
Shh (audience laughing)
(saloon music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Leonard, try
not to breathe on me.
I'm smoking.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
(yelling)
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Ted Mack!
You know, you've
certainly been on television
for a long time, haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
I remember Lassie when
she was just a stud fee.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Louise, the sexiest,
handsomest guy I've ever seen
just moved in to my
building, apartment 6B.
- I know, I live
in apartment 6B.
(audience laughing)
- After we retire from racing,
Willy Hartack and I
are going to get together
and become a basketball player.
(audience laughing)
- A lot of agents
are like flashlights.
They work best in a dark room.
- Can you check my bag?
- Check it yourself, buddy,
I only handle suitcases.
(audience laughing)
- Well, counselor cum surgeon,
what did you think
of the quickies?
- Well, they went by so fast,
they reminded me of my uncle,
Dr. Lightning Fingers Ferguson.
- Lightning Fingers Ferguson.
- You know, he performed
open heart surgery
on 15 patients all
at the same time.
- That's amazing.
- No, what's amazing
is one of them
almost lived through
the operation.
(laughing)
- Hark!
(yells)
- Did you hear about the
New York Times cocktail?
Two drinks and you
can't keep a secret.
(laughing)
- No, but I heard about
the Andre Previn cocktail.
One drink and you don't
know how to conduct yourself.
- I prefer the Richard
Nixon cocktail.
No matter how many you drink,
you still see things
perfectly clear.
(audience laughing)
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
(regal music)
- I dub thee a Knight in Armor.
Pity, they just don't make
armor like they used to.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Hiyah!
- Hiyah!
- How ya doin', old buddy!
- How are you doing?
(audience laughing)
- You know, I
certainly appreciate
your coming home with me
to talk to my wife, Dr. Malone.
- Don't worry about it, Henry,
I've handled thousands
of these memory cases.
It's really not
all that serious.
- Oh, darling!
Darling, you're home!
(audience laughing)
- It's that serious.
- No, Margaret,
I'm your husband.
- Hello, Charles.
- It's Henry.
- Oh, oh, I meant Henry Charles.
- Anyway, Margaret,
this is Dr. Malone.
Did you have a nice day?
- Oh, yes, yes.
I was just upstairs talking
to your mother, Charles.
- It's Henry.
- Your mother Henry.
- No, honey, it's your mother.
- My mother Henry.
- Just a minute,
let's review this.
Try to remember, Margaret...
- Oh, of course, I
remember Margaret!
She's sort of a dull,
frumpy plain little...
- You're Margaret!
- Oh, she's beautiful.
(audience laughing)
- You seem to have
a memory block.
Just tell me your
full married name.
- Oh, right.
My full married name is Ms...
- Mrs.
- Ms. Mrs.
No, that doesn't sound right.
(audience laughing)
- Don't worry, I can help her.
Now, I want you
to listen carefully
- He is!
- No, I'm not talking to him.
- But that's silly, two
grown men not talking.
(audience laughing)
- Could you sit down over
here please, Margaret?
Now listen, Margaret,
we're going to try a
professional technique,
it's called repeat to remember.
Wife, Margaret,
husband, Henry, doctor, Malone.
Now, are you ready
to try that game?
- Yeah.
- Wonderful, here we go.
Wife.
- Margaret.
- Husband.
- Henry.
- Doctor Malone.
- Malone.
- Excellent!
Now let's try
it a little faster.
Wife.
- Margaret.
- Husband.
- Henry.
- Doctor Malone.
- Malone.
- Wife.
- Margaret.
- Husband Henry, Doctor Malone.
- Oh, faster, faster,
ever faster, I love it!
- Hold it, hold it!
- Hold it?
Just when I was
beginning to get it?
Wife Margaret, Husband
Henry, Doctor Malone.
- Right, right, Charles.
Just one more session, and
that man will have you cured.
- Oh, thank you, doctor.
- It's Henry!
- Oh, sorry.
(audience laughing)
- See Dan's beard go.
- I know how anxious
you are to say goodnight,
but before you do, why
don't you tell everybody
about our special
show next week?
- Good idea!
We certainly don't want anyone
to miss next week's show, do we?
- No, we certainly we don't.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
next week we're going
to proudly present.
What special show?
(audience laughing)
- 100th anniversary show.
- Oh, how stupid of me!
Dick and myself... - Dan.
- Oh, right.
Dick and Dan and myself
have been on television
for exactly 100 years.
- No, no, no.
Folks, it's going to
be our 100th show
and all the old
cuckoos are going be
back with us to celebrate.
- Even Tiny Tim?
- Not only Tiny Tim,
we're going to have
one of the biggest stars
of all time, Mr. John Wayne.
- Boy, what a show!
I don't know about you,
but next Monday night,
I'll be home with my
eyes glued to the TV set.
- What are you talking about?
Next Monday night
you're going to be here.
- Just my luck.
Rowan and Martin
are going to have
their 100th anniversary
show and I've gotta work.
(audience laughing)
- That's the way it goes.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- You know, reading ability
in the Burbank High School
was found to be on
a sixth grade level
and that was just the faculty.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Burbank
lost the chance for
the National Football
League franchise
because of financial reasons.
- You mean they
couldn't afford a stadium?
- No, they couldn't
afford a football.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Dick!
- [Dick] Hey!
- You know something?
There are now
making a huge bridge
to cross the Burbank River.
Now, as soon as they finish it,
they're going to
start making a river.
(audience laughing)
- The Burbank city
treasurer ran away
with all the city's funds
and before they could
catch up with him,
he had spent it
all on six gumballs.
- [Men] How many?
- Six! (laughs)
- Hey, Larry!
- Yeah?
- What has two necks,
three feet and a long beak?
- She's right there.
- (laughing) No, no.
The house special at the
Burbank Chicken Deluxe.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(one person clapping)