Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 6 - Episode #5.6 - full transcript
- Hey don't get
uptight, just hang loose.
Bring out the swingers
and break out the juice.
Look no eyes.
(laughter erupts)
- Hey look here, it says
a white bigot received
a heart transplant
from a black man.
- Gee, did he live?
- No he died a couple
of minutes later,
but the white guy survived.
(laughter erupts)
(phone rings)
- Bill's Toy Shop, hewwo?
(laughter erupts)
(sings high C note)
(glass shatters)
(laughter erupts)
- I just heard about
a superstitious rabbit
who plays baseball.
And every time he
goes out on the field,
just for luck, he
carries an athlete's foot.
(laughter erupts)
- You know, the
trouble with my height is,
I'm the last one to
know when it rains.
(laughter erupts)
- Permission to retire among
the National Geographic, sir?
(laughter erupts)
- My husband reminds me
of the toys they sell today.
He came with
batteries not included.
(laughter erupts)
- Good morning, Doctor.
What'll you have?
- Oh, make it the usual.
- One clinic, hold the mayo!
(laughter erupts)
- SOS, SOS, the ship
is sinking fast, send help.
- What're you talking about boy?
We're in the Army
and we're on land.
- Oh, SOS, SOS, the plumbing
is backing up, send help.
(laughter erupts)
(sobs)
(laughter erupts)
- Well you know what
very famous person is going
to be our guest for the
second time on our show?
- Aha, his first
name is Richard?
- That's right.
- Aha, terrific, did he bring
the Vice President along?
- No, that's not the
one I'm talking about.
I'm talking about
Richard Crenna.
- What's the Vice
President doing
hanging around
with Richard Crenna?
- Well, the Vice President isn't
hanging around
with Richard Crenna.
- Well why not?
Richard Crenna happens
to be a very nice guy
and a marvelous actor.
He's our guest tonight.
- Yes I know.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
the multi-talented actor,
director, producer,
Mister Richard Crenna.
(audience applauds)
Good to see you.
- Hi, how are you, Dan?
How are you, Dick?
- Oh that, see, that's
the voice he used
for Walter Denton
on Our Miss Brooks.
That's funny.
- No, no it isn't.
No that's my real voice.
- What do you mean?
No, come on.
Now that's a voice you
use when you're acting.
- No, no, this is the voice
I use when I'm acting.
This is the way I really talk.
Yeah.
- Well that must
drive people crazy.
- Oh it does.
Why do you think
the Vice President isn't
hanging around with me any more?
(laughter erupts)
- And now from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Temperance
Association and Topless Bar,
NBC, the nervy
but cautious network
cautiously works
up nerve to present
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
starring the
lightning-witted Dan Rowan
and the thunderstruck
Dick Martin
with guest star Richard
Gee Miss Brooks Crenna
and Ruth Buzzi
Alan Sues and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen
Johnny Brown Ann Elder
Barbara Sharma Richard Dawson
And me, I'm Gary Owens with
this question for newlyweds.
What are you doing
watching television?
(laughter erupts)
- You can splash on Karate Chop
after-shave lotion, if you want.
But be careful how you use it.
(shouts)
(laughter erupts)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
- [Spokesman]
Burlington Industries.
If it's anything to do with
fabric, we do it at Burlington
and we do more of it
than anyone in the world.
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, I'd like to introduce one
of the nicest guys in Hollywood,
Dan Rowan or Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Wow!
Beautiful.
- Thank you very much.
You've been jumping, boy.
You're really full of
vim, vigor, and vitality.
How do you do it?
- Well, I'm on the famous
Dick Martin health food diet.
- I don't think I heard that?
- Oh,
I'm on the famous Dick
Martin - No, no, no I heard that.
I mean, I never
heard of that diet.
- Oh.
- What is it, exactly?
- Well, mostly clover
buds and tiger milk
and the tiger milk is terrible.
- Well, if it tastes terrible,
why do you drink it?
- Oh, it tastes fine.
It's getting away from
the tiger that's terrible.
Oh they fight like cats.
- Well, they are you ding-dong.
What else is in this diet?
- Well you drink eight glasses
of water an hour
for sixteen hours
and then you supplement it.
- You supplement it?
What do you supplement it with?
- Oh a glass of
water now and then.
- Well, what about vegetables?
- Oh I grow them.
I love vegetables, good for you.
I grow them in
my organic garden.
- You have an organic garden?
- Yeah, there's an organ in it.
- Oh come on, you don't
have an organ in your garden.
- Yeah right, I
was just kidding.
I do have a string quartet
in the bean patch, though.
- I'm sorry I mentioned it.
- A strolling accordionist
in the chili peppers.
- Is that right?
- They love Lady in Spain.
- I don't want to hear about it.
That's a very unusual garden.
- I also have a completely
underwater garden.
- An under... oh you're
engaged in hydroponics?
- No I just have an
underwater garden.
- Well, that's hydroponics,
the science of growing food
in a liquid solution,
hydroponics.
- They actually do that?
- Well you just said
you were doing it.
- I thought it sounded familiar.
You know it's really hard, too.
- What's hard about growing
an underwater garden?
- Three things,
first holding your breath
while you're planting the seeds.
That's a little touchy.
Finding a fertilizer
that doesn't float.
(laughter erupts)
- What's the third thing?
- Knowing when
you've finished watering.
- Oh, forgiveness.
(laughter erupts)
(upbeat jazz plays)
- Mobile homes have really
affected the medical profession.
Doctor's will now
make a house call,
but only if you drive
it over to his office.
(laughter erupts)
- It seems the
television industry
has become a real pioneer
in the recycling of waste.
They call it summer reruns.
(laughter erupts)
- Look at Harry and
Susan over there
kissing and hugging each other.
It's terrible.
Two weeks we've been married
and Harry's never
treated me like that.
(laughter erupts)
- I don't blame some people
being upset about immigrants.
We, Indians let a few in and
look what happened to us.
(laughter erupts)
- Oh, I know a real
swinging couple
who are getting a divorce.
The husband claims
that his wife confessed
he's the father of her baby.
(laughter erupts)
- Ever since the creation of man
unemployment has been with us.
Even God's first job
only lasted six days.
(laughter erupts)
(laughs)
- Oh Lulu, how does
my makeup look?
- Well, it looks fantastic.
For 29.95 that Earl
Scheib does wonders.
- Oh, God bless.
(laughter erupts)
- I'd like to find a man who
wants me just for my mind.
- Well, when you do,
would you have him
send me over the leftovers.
(laughter erupts)
- The editorial in
our paper today says
that if they give 18 year
olds the right to drink
Alcoholics Anonymous
is going to have
to setup Operation Headstart.
(laughter erupts)
- The cops in New York
are really getting tough.
Just when my business
picked, so was I.
(laughter erupts)
- Well, in the recent
Pentagon Papers decision
the Supreme Court proved
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that they are behind the Times.
(laughter erupts)
- President Nixon
used a football reference
when he called his financial
program his economic game plan.
But, it's gonna be
a hard game to win
when the quarterback's
in Washington
and the line's in the
unemployment office.
(laughter erupts)
- If you use a waffle
iron for a pillow,
be sure it is unplugged.
(laughter erupts)
- Instead of the pillow I
sleep with my head on a duck.
First of all, it's softer.
It's warmer.
And if you get hungry
in the middle of the night
you can eat it.
- Our Miss Brooks got
some bad news today.
It would have been good news
if she was Our Mrs. Brooks.
(laughter erupts)
- The Bob Hope Story.
Cue the war.
(slate snaps)
(laughter erupts)
- You know what they say girls.
A good man nowadays
is hard to find.
But you can find him if
you look in the right place.
For instance, my place, ooh.
I got a B, I got a
B I got a BA degree
I got a M, I got a
M I got a MA degree
I got a P, I got a H I got a PhD
I got everything but a J-O-B
- Oh Miss Leigh.
Ever since I saw you get stabbed
in the shower in Psycho I've
been afraid to take a shower.
- You're telling me.
- Hi, watch Dan's
beard disappear.
- Some of the mail
people have been asking
where we get the material
for the Fickle Finger Awards.
- Nevermind all that!
Ladies and gentlemen, I
am about to present a girl
who is the most unusual
performer ever witnessed
on Laugh-In's New Talent.
- Pardon the interruption.
- Certainly think nothing of it.
As I was saying
before I was interrupted
this girl is about
to present one
of the greatest surprises
in entertainment history.
- What does she do?
- I haven't the vaguest idea.
- Well, how do you
know her act is so great?
- Listen the word's around.
She's fantastic.
- Oh who told you?
- She did.
You see she's a carhop
I ran into at a drive-in.
- Well that still doesn't
explain how she got here.
- Well it was on my
front bumper you see
I ran into her in this drive-in.
- I don't want to hear about it.
Let's just see what she does.
- Oh, good idea.
I can hardly wait, myself.
- Where is she?
- Yahoo!
(audience applauds)
Happiness is Happiness
is Happiness is
Different things
to different people
That's what happiness
is To a preacher
It's a prayer prayer prayer
The Banana Splits
They say yeah yeah yeah
To a golfer It's a
hole in one To a father
It's a brand new son.
Happiness is Happiness
is Happiness is
Happiness is Different things
To different people
- Where you going?
That's what happiness
is - I promised
to punch up her finale.
- She's not going to do
any finale on this show.
- I certainly hope not.
(laughter erupts)
(audience applauds)
- Helen, you know something?
You really look great.
- She does yeah.
- Doesn't she?
- Have you been
on a diet, Helen?
- Well, yes.
- Really?
- Harry and I have
been on a new water diet
and we help each other out.
- Real, how interesting.
How does it work?
- Well, like this.
I go to eat a piece
of pie and, (splashes)
it works every time!
(laughter erupts)
- With so many military
men returning home
unemployed veterans
are seeking work
in many lines of endeavor.
Some of them have even
become supermarket owners.
- Now, as if by magic,
Dan's beard is back again.
- I've been here before
and I love it,
forgive me, I love it.
I love my floor.
I love my aisles.
I love my stock.
I love my sweet
peas and my crackers.
Oh, how I love the whole store.
I love it.
I'm Davis' Double Discount.
- General Davis, sir.
- Ah yes, hah!
- Al's Discount has
undercut us again.
They're selling TV
dinners a nickel a piece, sir.
- That's the worst, Sergeant.
TV dinners a nickel a piece?
- Yes, sir.
- Well that's what we
sell 'em for, Sergeant.
- I know sir, but they're
throwing in the TV.
- Oh ho, so it's war.
- Yes sir.
- They want war, eh?
The swine, I'll show 'em a
price war if they want one.
(laughs)
(laughter erupts)
It's 0900 Sergeant.
It's time for the next
Discount Dispatch.
- [Dispatcher] And now
for the latest discount
bargain from Al's.
Anyone buying a stick of
gum within the next five minutes
will receive double blue chip
stamps and a home in Florida.
- Oh, it looks like
we're finished, General.
- No we're not Sergeant.
No we're not, I'm going
to bring up my big guns.
Over here, over here.
Starting now, with any purchase,
anyone who makes a
purchase over eight cents,
I'm gonna throw in Helen.
- Your wife, sir?
- Yes, my wife.
- General you can't make
a cheap pawn of your wife
in a discount war like this.
Well, is eight cents all
she means to you, sir?
- You're right, Sergeant.
You're right.
You're all heart.
We'll make it a quarter.
- Yes, sir.
- [Dispatcher] And now
for the latest Al's Discount.
All you can carry out of
the store for just three cents
- Oh Sergeant, this calls
for the ultimate weapon.
Five, four, three, two, one.
This is General Davis,
commanding officer
of Davis' Discounts.
The next person who
walks into this store
will receive ownership
of the entire business.
All of it.
My aisles, my
foodstuffs, all of it.
Lock, stock and double barrel.
Let 'em top that, Sergeant.
- I think he has, General.
- What do you mean?
- Al just walked
in the front door.
- Oh no.
- And he has
Helen with him, sir.
- That's alright, Sergeant.
She was war surplus anyway.
(hums Taps)
appiness is
Happiness is different
things to different people
That's what happiness is
- My name is Nita Fad
and I'm five years old.
And you know what?
Momma put some
nasty stuff on my thumb
so I wouldn't put my
thumb in my mouth.
She said, if you put
things in your mouth
you could get sick.
So you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take that bottle
and put some of that
stuff on her cigarettes.
And that's the truth.
(trills lips)
(brass music windup)
Happiness is Happiness is
Happiness is different
things to different people
That's what happiness is
- Doctor, Doctor, I
want you to give me gas.
- Try some of my wife's cooking.
(laughs)
- Eddie, Eddie, don't jump!
- But I got nothing
more to live for.
I'm all washed up.
Nobody wants to see
a vaudeville performer
anymore.
- Ah come on.
Come on, Eddie.
Something will turn up.
- I don't believe it.
- Listen Eddie, you've
gotta come inside.
Look a crowd is
beginning to form.
Look at all those
people down there.
- A crowd.
People.
- Yes.
- People, I'm not all washed up.
They still love me.
Lights are rolling in aha
I'd walk a million miles
For one of your smiles My Ma...
(sliding note falls)
- Janet, I heard
they're coming out
with a new birth-control
pill in the form of a Saltine.
- Yes, it's called
a safe cracker.
(laughter erupts)
- Hold onto the warm up.
Tonight we're gonna take a look
at what millions of
Americans, young and old,
do in their spare time.
You can't show
that on television.
- I'm talking about the Mod
World of toys and games.
Do you realize how
much money is spent
in this country on dolls alone?
- Well, if you get the
right doll alone, it's worth it.
- You know perfectly
well I'm talking
about the toy industry.
The toy industry has become
a multi-million dollar business.
- Well, I'm glad to hear
that because I just invented
a sensational new toy.
- Is that right?
- Yes, it's a thin,
round plastic circle
and you stand
in the middle of it
and then you spin it
around your waist like that.
- Dick, that's a hula hoop.
- Good name for it.
- That is the name for it.
They been using
hula hoops for years.
- Good heavens, I'm rich!
- Oh come on, let's
talk about games.
Hey have you ever
played Monopoly?
- Does it go like this?
- No, it doesn't go.
Monopoly for heaven's sake.
- Do I play Monopoly?
Would you ask Frank
Sinatra if he could sing?
Would you ask Fred
Astaire if he could dance?
Would you ask me
that question again?
(laughter erupts)
- Everybody knows
about Monopoly.
It's a world-famous game.
You buy and sell real estate.
You put houses...
- Oh, I played that
at a party once, I
didn't like it at all.
- You didn't?
Well maybe you
didn't play it right.
- Sure, we chose up sides and
then everybody got an orange.
You turned out the lights
and jumped over the net?
(laughter erupts)
- That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.
- That's what everybody said.
How could a stupid game
like that catch on like that?
- Maybe if we go
to the Mod World
of toys and games
we'll find out.
- Okay, I'll get the
oranges you get the lights.
- Alright, will you stop that?
(fabric tears)
(shouts in surprise)
(laughter erupts)
There's nothing
quite like a marionette
A puppety uppity marionette
You want to feel in
charge of everything
You wanna get your
way then pull the string
(laughs)
It's awful to be a marionette
The string along,
sing along marionette.
We're made to seem
amusing, gay, and glib
It's time we
demonstrate for puppet lib
I can move her left
hand Move my left hand
I can tap her right toe
Right toe, right toe I
can make her curtsy
I can curtsy Always
do my bidding
He must be kidding
Everyone loves a marionette
A dear and dumb
under thumb marionette
Though we're
tangled up with tyranny
There will come a
day when we cut free
Papier Mache quality
For puppet suffragettes
We're diligent,
militant marionettes
I can move her left
hand Move my right hand
I can tap her right
toe Left toe, left toe
I can make her
curtsy I won't curtsy
What is the confusion
It's revolution
Nothing quite like
my marionettes
My willful young,
skillful young marionettes
We will find a
way to cut the tape
Approve a whole
magilla out of shape
Living for the day
when we escape
This evil martinet
These smiley and wiley and wary
Aggressive and
stressive and scary
The puppety uppity marionettes
(audience applauds)
- I was playing Monopoly
the other day and just my luck,
every time I'd land on
somebody's property
the rent would go up.
(laughter erupts)
- They've come up
with a new product
that's half toy and half game.
The toy's a real-life
replica of the Pentagon
and the game is trying
to figure out how it works.
(laughter erupts)
- What can I do for you?
- Yes, thank you.
Oh, I'd like to buy an
educational toy for my son
but I don't want
to spend over $10.
It's my cut limit.
- Well, I only have
one toy for you
but it is an excellent one
and it helps stimulate
the imagination.
It's the Johnny
Jingo Pretend Stick.
It is $15.
- Hey wait a minute,
wait a minute.
That's just a stick.
I mean, that is just
a plain ordinary stick
I'm not blind you know.
That's a stick.
- No, No sir.
Now you see,
you're very mistaken.
It's much more than that.
You can pretend that
it's anything you want.
- No kidding.
- Yes, it could be a spyglass.
Isn't that wonderful?
It could be a gun.
Or an airplane without
wings zooming through the air.
Anything you want, all
you have to do is pretend.
- Oh, okay, hey, I'll take it.
- Good.
- Here.
- Well this is just
a gum wrapper.
- Pretend it's a $20 bill
and give me my change.
- I wouldn't buy my niece one
of those Raggedy Ann dolls.
I hate to have anything
lying around the house
that's built better than I am.
(laughter erupts)
- I just bought my kid one of
those new educational toys.
- Well, how does he like it
- Well, I don't know.
He hasn't been
able to figure out how
to get it out of the box.
(laughter erupts)
- I bought my wife a Chatty
Cathy doll three weeks ago.
It still hasn't been able
to get a word in edgewise.
(laughter erupts)
- My son had so many war
toys, he doesn't have playmates.
He has advisers.
(laughter erupts)
- We're talking boat works.
- Chief, Chief.
- What do you got, Johnson?
- I got it.
I'm so excited.
Oh, it's the ultimate toy.
We'll make millions.
(crashes)
- What do you mean?
Look it fell apart already.
Why, a kid'll get one of those,
he'll start crying for
another one right away.
- I told you, we'll
make millions.
- I'm tired of those
toys that kept breaking.
I went out and brought
my kid a $100 truck.
It was rust-proof,
dust-proof, shock-proof,
water-proof, rock-proof,
completely indestructible.
- Well, what happened to it?
- He traded it for a frog.
- I bought my son some toy
soldiers that were so realistic
that on Christmas a toy Bob
Hope came to entertain them.
- Did you hear about the guy
who beat up the
toy manufacturer?
He was arrested and
charged only with assault.
Battery not included.
- What have you come
up with now, Warner?
- Well, it's a revolutionary
new executive toy.
- Executive toy?
- I call it, Anything Annie.
- What's it for?
- Well, if you have to ask,
I'm not sure if
you're gonna like it.
(laughter erupts)
- Hey, Warner, you know
what you could do with this?
- Now you got it.
It's totally
computer controlled.
It'll do anything
you ask it to do.
Go ahead, try one.
- Any?
- Ask anything.
- Blow out this match.
(cymbals crash)
(blows air)
(laughter erupts)
- Sensational, Warner.
This is gonna be the
hottest item we've ever had.
You have created the answer
to every man's wildest dreams.
A beautiful girl who'll
do anything you ask.
Kiss me.
- Not tonight, I've
got a headache.
(laughter erupts)
- I've got a great name for it.
We'll call it
a wife.
- A wife.
(laughter erupts)
- Daniel, I was
once a millionaire
but then I lost everything.
- What was it, the market?
Business went bad?
Crooked partner?
- Nope, Christmas we got
our daughter a Barbie doll
with none of the accessories.
- We bought some
toys about a year ago
and they stayed in perfect
condition until yesterday.
- What happened yesterday?
- We let the kids
play with them.
(laughter erupts)
- You think that's
something, last Christmas
I bought my daughter
a doll that was so lifelike
by New Year's it had run
off with a rock-and-roll singer.
(laughter erupts)
There's nothing
quite like a marionette
A dutiful, beautiful marionette
(laughter erupts)
(brass music outros)
("Laugh-In Theme" music)
- This is gonna hurt me
more than it hurts you.
However, it's gonna cost you
more than it's gonna cost me.
(laughter erupts)
Opie-wopie (drill buzzes)
Toothie-woothie, drillie-willie.
- Janet, I understand
you're a horse-racing fan.
- Oh yes, I went to the
races yesterday and bet
on a horse named Totie Fields.
- How'd it do?
- Oh it came in first
and second and third.
- Well, it's time
again for the quickies.
This happens to be a
department on the show which is...
- Excuse me.
- Oh for crying out loud.
- Would you hold this
till I get more sleep?
Thank you.
Now, you see this?
When I say fire,
you push this down.
- When you say fire, I...
- You push this down and
then you catch me in this.
- What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
- I gotta go get in the cannon.
- The cannon?
- Sure, what else would a
human cannonball
get into, a closet?
How would that sound?
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Dick Martin
the human closet-ball.
Now how would that sound?
- You're right, man.
If I ever saw a fellow
who needed a cannon,
you need a cannon.
Now why would you want
to do a stupid thing like this?
- Well, my uncle was
the Great Zucchini.
- The Great Zucchini?
- The human cannonball
they called him.
I guess you could say I'm
following in his smoke steps.
- The Great Zucchini?
I never heard of
the Great Zucchini.
- He was world famous,
didn't even use a net.
- Where did he land?
- Well, you never knew for sure.
(laughter erupts)
Once he landed on top
of the popcorn machine.
Another time he
landed across the street
under the blue station wagon.
- He had a very unusual act.
- Hmm, that's nothing.
One day he landed in the
ladies room at the bus terminal.
(laughter erupts)
- That must have
been embarrassing.
- It sure was.
He wasn't even shot
out of a cannon that day.
(laughter erupts)
- I don't want to hear anymore
about your Uncle Zucchini.
- Good, 'cause it's time
to get in the cannon.
Now, you hold
the net out like that.
Got it?
And when I say fire, you push
the plunger down, you got it?
- Wait a minute, wait.
How about your wires?
- Oh wait a minute,
I'll connect my wires.
Remember the instruction.
You catch me in this and
you push the plunger down.
- Okay Zucchini,
go get in the cannon.
- Have you got that?
- Yeah I'm ready.
- I'm gonna go now.
This is me going.
- Get a picture of him going.
Alright now.
- [Dick] Ready?
- Ready.
- [Dick] Fire.
(cannon booms)
(air whistles)
- This might take
a minute folks.
Go ahead and
look at the quickies.
Dick?
- Permission to
watch a quickie, sir?
(laughs)
- We like having young
people in the order.
But we would rather you say,
I am going to toll the bells
instead of, I now
gonna ring your chimes.
(laughter erupts)
(racy music)
- Say there RC, it's rumored
that they may bring back
Our Miss Brooks to television.
- Yeah, well that's right,
but we're gonna have
to change it a little
for modern audiences.
This time, I'm
playing Miss Brooks.
- Oh and not a minute too soon.
(laughter erupts)
(hammer bangs)
(laughter erupts)
(air whistles)
- Dick?
Well, part of him.
(laughter erupts)
(grunting)
(shouts)
- Hey don't step on
that piece of paper.
It may be important.
- Well, what does it say?
- It says, do not step
on this piece of paper.
It may be important.
(laughter erupts)
- Being on Laugh-In is
like being in the Army.
You wait around and wait
around and nothing ever happens.
(water splashes)
(laughter erupts)
Are you sure this is the way
Lloyd Bridges got his start?
(air whistles)
- Dick?
You in there boy?
(laughter erupts)
Dick?
There's gotta be something else.
(laughter erupts)
- Lost, envelope
containing junk mail.
Finder, please contact Occupant.
(laughter erupts)
(laughter erupts)
- Will the publicity man
for Willard T. Fluger
please pick up his final check.
- Hi, Dot.
- How are you, Mister Brill?
Is all this stuff yours?
- Yes.
- Let's see now, one tomato,
a bunch of bananas,
that's $0.34.
One sport coat, that's $15.95.
One necktie, $1.15.
One shirt, come on,
now, help me off with it.
- Gee I understand you
played Walter Denton,
the high school student
in Our Miss Brooks
until you were 32.
How did you manage to
maintain that youthful appearance?
- Well for one thing, I had
to eat 10 lbs. of chocolate
everyday to keep my acne up.
- Oh, when are
you going to stop?
(air buzzes)
(crashes)
(laughter erupts)
- What went wrong?
- Wrong?
That's the best I ever did it?
(laughter erupts)
- Well, doesn't it hurt?
- Well, isn't it supposed to?
(laughter erupts)
- Miss Leigh.
After being killed in
Psycho, aren't you afraid
of taking a shower alone?
- Are you asking
or offering, big boy?
(laughter erupts)
- Sickness, sickness
everywhere, sickness.
(laughter erupts)
Nurse, will you come in please?
- Yes, kindly old Dr. Crobie,
what can I do for you?
- Oh, why didn't you ask
me that 20 years ago?
- Oh I did, but you
were too old then, too.
Happiness is what I love
- My goodness those
teeth really need cleaning.
- That's my breakfast.
- You really should brush
your teeth after every meal.
- Let's see here, Cassius
Clay, Cassius Clay.
(rotary dial turning)
(snorts)
One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingys.
Gracious, good
afternoon, is this the party
to whom I am speaking?
Well a gracious good
afternoon Mr. Clay.
It took you so long
to answer the bell,
I was sure you had
thrown in the towel.
A little Ma Bell knockout there.
Now then, Mr. Clay, what's that?
You're not Cassius Clay?
Oh, you were Cassius Clay.
Well, there does seem to be
some confusion about your name.
We have an unpaid bill
now here under two listings,
Cassius Clay and Muhammad Ali.
Oh, I see, the
correct one is Ali.
Alright, I've got that.
Mr. Cassius Ali.
Oh, not Cassius, Muhammad.
Oh very well then,
Mr. Ali Muhammad.
What, that's wrong too?
Well, look here now.
Will you stop all this fighting?
What's that?
If you stop fighting the
bill will never get paid?
That's one for you.
I guess when you're
number two you try harder.
- Permission to watch
the motion picture,
Carnal Knowledge
in slow motion, sir?
- Janet, I heard that
Raquel Welch was going
to join the Woman's
Liberation Movement.
- Yes, but she figured
by the time she finished
burning her bra, the
movement would be over.
(laughter erupts)
- I think I have your
name right, now.
Let's see, it's Muhammad Ali.
Is that right?
Good.
Now then, Mr. Muhammad Ali,
what should I do
about this unpaid bill?
Pardon me.
I should what?
Send it to Cassius Clay?
Hello, hello.
(Irish folk music)
We're rubbing and scrubbing
and tubbing the clothes
We're Irish begorah
from top knots to toes
We come from Killarny,
Kilgary, and Cork
We know all the scams
from Newcastle to York
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the inflammation
In a way we hope
we'll amuse, yous.
We just love to
give you our views
Annie go bra, la ta di da
Ladies and gents laugh get loose
at the newses on
Dick and on Dan.
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the Laugh-In News
with space satellites over
Earth, Fraser Cox overjoyed,
Mama Cass overweight,
Doc Severenson over dressed,
and now, here's Dan
Rowan under the gun.
- And here's Dick
Martin under the weather.
- Washington D.C., President
Nixon today told reporters
that he was extremely pleased
with the country's
economic outlook
and was convinced
that his programs
to fight recession were working.
He made these statements
at his weekly press
conference in the White Shack.
(laughter erupts)
Woodstock, the first annual
meeting of the dissident hippie
or rather make that yippie,
the dissident-yippie
revolutionaries was halted today
when a group of senior
citizens disrupted the meeting
by behaving in
an orderly fashion.
However, just in the
nick of time a group
of Hell's Angels broke in
and were finally
able to restore chaos.
(laughter erupts)
Good thing.
As a result of an
extended heatwave
in New York City today,
the Statue of Liberty
was sighted, in
the harbor floating
on her back in a bikini.
(laughter erupts)
And now here's the news
of the future with Dan.
- Washington D.C.
twenty years from now.
Sam Shapiro, the country's
first Jewish president,
took office today.
Immediately introduced a bill
to remove all
Gentile Congressmen.
When asked why he
took this action, he replied,
my mother would roll over if
I didn't keep a kosher house.
(laughter erupts)
(Dick laughs repeatedly)
News of the future.
That's enough, Dick.
Twenty years from now
Astronauts return to the landing site
of the Apollo 15 to
inspect the Moon Rover,
the first vehicle on the Moon.
The astronauts reported
that they were amazed
at the excellent
condition of the rover.
However, they noted that
all four hubcaps were missing.
(laughter erupts)
There are still some
unanswered questions
regarding the Moon Rover
used in that recent Moon shot.
To clear these up,
we take you now,
to Houston's Space Center.
Moon Rover, the
jack is in the trunk
- Sir.
- I just thought you'd like
a little musical
interlude there.
A little song.
- We loved it, I'll tell you.
- Sir, we understand
the astronauts left
some things behind on the Moon.
- Well that's right.
We left two symbols
of our country.
An American flag
and an abandoned car.
(laughter erupts)
- Wasn't it a very special car?
- Actually it was just
like any other car.
Something went
wrong with it right away
and there was
nobody around to fix it.
(laughter erupts)
- Now didn't it come
with a warranty?
- Sure, five days
or 50 million miles,
whichever comes first.
(laughter erupts)
- I imagine it must
have bothered you
to have to leave it up there.
- Well, leaving it
was no problem.
No, what bothers me
is, I think I left it unlocked.
(laughter erupts)
- Unlocked?
Why, the Moon
Rover costs $8 million.
- Oh true, true,
but we don't have
to finish making the payments.
After all, who's
gonna repossess it?
(laughter erupts)
Moon Rover Miami
- Further news of the future.
President Henry
Kissinger today appointed
his new Secretary
of State, Zhou Enlai.
President Kissinger
also announced
that his new Secretary
of State, Zhou Enlai,
will not be bogged
down in bureaucracy,
but will report directly
to the new Vice
President, William Fulbright,
unless, of course, the
Secretary of Defense,
David Eisenhower, is available.
(laughter erupts)
Further news is
expected momentarily
from the Western
White House in Stuttgart.
- Hi.
(laughs)
Busy Buzzi here from Hollywood.
Tinseltown has
been buzzing lately
about the torrid romance
of two big, big stars.
Well, they finally
took the big step
and tied the knot legally today.
It was the third
marriage for him
and the second marriage for him.
(laughs)
Bye, Buzzi, kissy kissy.
- And now we take you to
our man in savage Papua
for an exclusive
interview with the chief
of a headhunting tribe.
- Chief, why do
you hunt for heads?
- Because very few people
come in and donate them.
(laughter erupts)
- Hi, Big Al here
explaining some
of footballs more
scintillating signals.
(blows whistle)
- Oh, oh, watch it lips,
you're getting involved.
(laughter erupts)
Just before the game
begins the referee does this,
which means this
team is going to kick.
And the other team is
going to wash it's face.
(laughter erupts)
(blows whistle)
Oh, what are you doing after
the game, you silver devil?
And then there's this one,
which means I want my
mommy, I want my mommy.
(laughs)
(blows whistle)
Oh, I'm going to
write a book about you
called The Sensuous Whistle.
And here's the last signal.
(laughs)
I don't know what it
means, but it goes good
with a tiko-tiko-tak
a tiko-tiko-tak.
(laughter erupts)
- Now here's our
man at the South Pole.
- Here at the South Pole it
is 100 degrees below zero
and I've just stumbled
upon an Eskimo
who, believe it or not
is eating a Popsicle.
- Popsicle, are you kidding?
This is a cup of coffee.
- And now for Kid News for Kids.
Here's Moussey
Dryer in the tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moussey here with
Kid News for Kids.
I think I'm starting to
walk in my sleep again
because this morning
when I woke up
I was in a gas station.
Boy was I surprised.
I've never been to
Cleveland before.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- One of London's traditional
figures is the chimney sweep.
Working now, inside this
chimney, is one of these, Mister...
- Blodger,
Blodger's the name,
chimney's me game.
When there's work to
do, Blodger tap the flue.
(laughs)
- How did you happen to
get into this line of work, sir?
- Well, I followed in
me father's footsteps.
- Your father was
a chimney sweep?
- No, sir, he was a drunk.
Every night when he got home,
down the chimney he'd come.
(laughter erupts)
- He must have
really been blasted.
- Not at all.
When he was blasted,
which was every night,
up the chimney he'd go again.
- Isn't chimney sweeping
a dangerous job?
- There's one basic thing
you have to be very careful of.
- What is that?
- Before you start
down a chimney,
you have to make sure
the fireplace is not alight.
- I see, by the way, how
wide is the average fireplace?
- Ah, if you don't mind, I
would rather not answer
that particular question.
- Oh there's no harm in
revealing the width of a fireplace.
- Well now sir, but I have
my reasons, if you don't mind.
- Well, couldn't you make
an exception this once.
Tell our viewers how wide.
- Well alright, you've
been very nice up to now.
Your average basic fireplace
is about, what say, this wide.
(screams)
(crashes)
- Back to you Dick and Dan.
- [Blodger} I told
you I had my reasons.
(laughter erupts)
- And now changes
in our political climate
as brought about by an ill wind.
- Here's the political
weather for next year.
First of all, we can expect
a mass of hot air
in the primaries,
followed by unsettled
conditions at the conventions.
Plus, numerous snow
jobs on the campaign trails
with a 50% chance of
another high-pressure system
in Washington.
- And that's the way it is,
Friday, December 25th, 1927.
La at di da erin go
bra Ladies and gents
Laugh-In look at the news
Happiness is Happiness is
- Uh, Lily, what happens next?
- Well, at this
point, what happ...
First of all the
shows been go...
We've been having one sec...
There's been one scene...
First, people have
come they've...
There've been wa...
There's been all kinds...
There's been things
that have happened.
There's been... - And there's...
If we want a sketch
and Walter Denton...
- No that's...
- And Dan doesn't...
- Right, yeah that's right,
but that's not what the thing...
- After.
- What happens is you've
got to move along at a certain
because what comes now
is that because what hap...
It hit, well it has to
do with consumerism.
- Too much right hand.
- Hey, Dan, Dick.
- Hey.
- You know who I
bumped into before?
- No, but I'll tell you who's
about to bump into you now.
Look out, Hawkins.
Hawkins the butler.
- Hawkins you've got
to try to be more careful.
- Oh, I'm sorry sir
but I do me best, sir.
- Well, that's not
very reassuring.
- Oh, mish-eye-wuth-nam-nee-ho.
I came in berifle.
You gentlemen might
like a little pick-me-up.
- A little pick-me-up.
- There we are sir.
All hands round, sir, organic.
- Thank you.
- Would you like a little
some to freshen yours up, sir?
- Whoop, now hold it, hold it.
I think that I, what's that
in that bottle over there?
- Very wise choice.
- Safer than this.
- That is your
basic quinine water.
Alright, yeah.
- Watch it, be careful.
- Ah, what, Hawkins, Hawkins!
(laughter erupts)
- You blasted idiot.
Look what you've done
to Mr. Crenna's jacket.
- Hey, don't be cruel.
I'll just fix this up.
- Try to do something.
- Right, I shall
get it out for you.
- I wouldn't have asked you.
- Did you get some
on your pants, too?
- No, no, no
thanks, that's alright.
- Miss Leigh, if I
were an actress,
I would never appear
nude or be seen in a movie
that included nude scenes.
- You're making a big
fuss over such little things.
(laughter erupts)
(sobs)
(cries)
- Are you crying?
- Yeah, I'm crying.
- Oh, you are crying.
(laughs)
Do you hear that, friends?
He is crying.
(cries loudly)
- I'm taking the bus
down to the docks
and I'm going to end it all.
I'm no good.
- Oh, do you hear that, friends?
This man says, he's no good.
That's not good, to be no good.
It's good to be good.
- I'm no good.
- But that's no good.
Why do you say you're no good?
- I have two bad habits.
For one, I drink.
- You drink for one.
- No, I drink for two.
- Well, let's get on to
your second problem.
- I steal, I drink and I steal.
- You drink and you steal.
What (laughs) do you steal?
- Drinks.
(sobs)
I can't be helped.
- Oh, friends, he says
he can't be helped.
Oh, but you can be helped.
But before you can be helped
there are two
things you must do.
- What?
- You must stop
drinking and stealing.
- Do you think that'll do it?
- It'll help.
- You're right.
Thank you, I feel
like a new man.
- There, another misguided
person set on the straight path.
Oh, here comes my bus.
Oh good heavens,
he stole my purse.
(laughs)
But that's no good.
- Ha-Ha, chic-a-boom chic-a-boom
chic-a-boom-boom-boom.
(laughs)
You know something, Dick Crenna?
I've seen everyone of your TV
shows and all of your movies.
- Well, you must
be a real fan of mine.
- No, I'm a glutton
for punishment.
(laughs)
- You're new here aren't you?
- How could you tell?
- No grass stains.
(laughter erupts)
- We have a little problem here.
You see that tooth
way in the back?
- Yeah.
- That's not yours.
(laughter erupts)
Opie-wopie.
Say ahh.
Ah, ah,
Ahh ahhhh
(happiness music plays)
- Cut that out.
- [Gary] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
- [Spokesman]
Burlington Industries.
- My my, these
teeth look very bad.
I'm afraid they're gonna
have to go to the shop.
Nice smile.
- Oh funny, very funny.
- Time to say good night, Dick.
(shouts loudly)
- Clearing my throat.
- Yes, keep those old
tones fat and round.
- Hey don't you
want to tell the people
who our next week's guest is?
- Next week, who's that?
- Look, it happens to be
Herbert the famous singing pig.
(laughter erupts)
- Oh, the famous singing pig?
- You mean you haven't heard
his hit recording of Born Fat?
- Oh, come on.
How can a pig sing?
They only grunt and squeal.
- I didn't say he sang good.
- Oh.
- Well, I did say the
audience is gonna love him.
Why, once he struts out
there in his little old tuxedo
and little top hat and
his sequined tap shoes.
- He tap dances?
- What else, did you ever hear
of a pig doing the soft shoe?
(laughter erupts)
- I don't want him on the show.
- Well, he's gonna
be very disappointed.
This is his farewell
appearance, you know.
He's joining the Las...
Los Angeles Rams.
It's not the Las Angeles.
- He's joining
the Los Angeles...
He's gonna be a player
on the Los Angeles
- No, he's gonna
be a football.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
- Get out there Herbert.
(audience applauds)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hey, Johnny.
- Yo, Annie Mae.
- Hey, what do they call a lion
who wears pink hot
pants, a see-through shirt
and sequined wedgies?
- Queen of the jungle!
- Yes dear?
- What do you get if you
cross a lion with a porcupine?
- I don't know what.
- A very cross lion.
- Oh Al, you must
advise me in this situation.
- Oh I certainly want to.
- What is the best kind
of lion to sleep with?
(laughs)
- A dead one.
- What did the
doctor tell the lion
who called up complaining
of stomach trouble?
- Well he told him to
drink two missionaries
and to call him in the morning.
- Gumgawa.
(laughs)
- What kind of a
kids' orsan, oh sorry.
- Go ahead, just
try it again, Al.
- Thank you, you're a
very wonderful person,
a very kind person
a very older person
to help a younger person.
What kind of a
kids' organization
does a lion join
when he's young?
- The Cub Scouts.
- You got it, buster.
(laughter erupts)
- How much does a lion weigh?
- Anyway he wants.
(laughter erupts)
(upbeat kazoo music)
(fire hissing)
(cannon roars)
(ball rolls)
(pins crashing)
(crashes)
- Hey, I think we ought
to thank our audience
here in the studio
theater, tonight.
- Well, it's the best audience
we've had all season.
A regular Saturday night
crowd if I ever saw one.
(audience applauds)
(laughter erupts)
- This program is pre-recorded
which means it
isn't really live,
but don't give up, maybe
next week's will be better.
That's what happiness is to me
(shouts)
(footsteps running)
uptight, just hang loose.
Bring out the swingers
and break out the juice.
Look no eyes.
(laughter erupts)
- Hey look here, it says
a white bigot received
a heart transplant
from a black man.
- Gee, did he live?
- No he died a couple
of minutes later,
but the white guy survived.
(laughter erupts)
(phone rings)
- Bill's Toy Shop, hewwo?
(laughter erupts)
(sings high C note)
(glass shatters)
(laughter erupts)
- I just heard about
a superstitious rabbit
who plays baseball.
And every time he
goes out on the field,
just for luck, he
carries an athlete's foot.
(laughter erupts)
- You know, the
trouble with my height is,
I'm the last one to
know when it rains.
(laughter erupts)
- Permission to retire among
the National Geographic, sir?
(laughter erupts)
- My husband reminds me
of the toys they sell today.
He came with
batteries not included.
(laughter erupts)
- Good morning, Doctor.
What'll you have?
- Oh, make it the usual.
- One clinic, hold the mayo!
(laughter erupts)
- SOS, SOS, the ship
is sinking fast, send help.
- What're you talking about boy?
We're in the Army
and we're on land.
- Oh, SOS, SOS, the plumbing
is backing up, send help.
(laughter erupts)
(sobs)
(laughter erupts)
- Well you know what
very famous person is going
to be our guest for the
second time on our show?
- Aha, his first
name is Richard?
- That's right.
- Aha, terrific, did he bring
the Vice President along?
- No, that's not the
one I'm talking about.
I'm talking about
Richard Crenna.
- What's the Vice
President doing
hanging around
with Richard Crenna?
- Well, the Vice President isn't
hanging around
with Richard Crenna.
- Well why not?
Richard Crenna happens
to be a very nice guy
and a marvelous actor.
He's our guest tonight.
- Yes I know.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
the multi-talented actor,
director, producer,
Mister Richard Crenna.
(audience applauds)
Good to see you.
- Hi, how are you, Dan?
How are you, Dick?
- Oh that, see, that's
the voice he used
for Walter Denton
on Our Miss Brooks.
That's funny.
- No, no it isn't.
No that's my real voice.
- What do you mean?
No, come on.
Now that's a voice you
use when you're acting.
- No, no, this is the voice
I use when I'm acting.
This is the way I really talk.
Yeah.
- Well that must
drive people crazy.
- Oh it does.
Why do you think
the Vice President isn't
hanging around with me any more?
(laughter erupts)
- And now from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Temperance
Association and Topless Bar,
NBC, the nervy
but cautious network
cautiously works
up nerve to present
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
starring the
lightning-witted Dan Rowan
and the thunderstruck
Dick Martin
with guest star Richard
Gee Miss Brooks Crenna
and Ruth Buzzi
Alan Sues and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen
Johnny Brown Ann Elder
Barbara Sharma Richard Dawson
And me, I'm Gary Owens with
this question for newlyweds.
What are you doing
watching television?
(laughter erupts)
- You can splash on Karate Chop
after-shave lotion, if you want.
But be careful how you use it.
(shouts)
(laughter erupts)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
- [Spokesman]
Burlington Industries.
If it's anything to do with
fabric, we do it at Burlington
and we do more of it
than anyone in the world.
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, I'd like to introduce one
of the nicest guys in Hollywood,
Dan Rowan or Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Wow!
Beautiful.
- Thank you very much.
You've been jumping, boy.
You're really full of
vim, vigor, and vitality.
How do you do it?
- Well, I'm on the famous
Dick Martin health food diet.
- I don't think I heard that?
- Oh,
I'm on the famous Dick
Martin - No, no, no I heard that.
I mean, I never
heard of that diet.
- Oh.
- What is it, exactly?
- Well, mostly clover
buds and tiger milk
and the tiger milk is terrible.
- Well, if it tastes terrible,
why do you drink it?
- Oh, it tastes fine.
It's getting away from
the tiger that's terrible.
Oh they fight like cats.
- Well, they are you ding-dong.
What else is in this diet?
- Well you drink eight glasses
of water an hour
for sixteen hours
and then you supplement it.
- You supplement it?
What do you supplement it with?
- Oh a glass of
water now and then.
- Well, what about vegetables?
- Oh I grow them.
I love vegetables, good for you.
I grow them in
my organic garden.
- You have an organic garden?
- Yeah, there's an organ in it.
- Oh come on, you don't
have an organ in your garden.
- Yeah right, I
was just kidding.
I do have a string quartet
in the bean patch, though.
- I'm sorry I mentioned it.
- A strolling accordionist
in the chili peppers.
- Is that right?
- They love Lady in Spain.
- I don't want to hear about it.
That's a very unusual garden.
- I also have a completely
underwater garden.
- An under... oh you're
engaged in hydroponics?
- No I just have an
underwater garden.
- Well, that's hydroponics,
the science of growing food
in a liquid solution,
hydroponics.
- They actually do that?
- Well you just said
you were doing it.
- I thought it sounded familiar.
You know it's really hard, too.
- What's hard about growing
an underwater garden?
- Three things,
first holding your breath
while you're planting the seeds.
That's a little touchy.
Finding a fertilizer
that doesn't float.
(laughter erupts)
- What's the third thing?
- Knowing when
you've finished watering.
- Oh, forgiveness.
(laughter erupts)
(upbeat jazz plays)
- Mobile homes have really
affected the medical profession.
Doctor's will now
make a house call,
but only if you drive
it over to his office.
(laughter erupts)
- It seems the
television industry
has become a real pioneer
in the recycling of waste.
They call it summer reruns.
(laughter erupts)
- Look at Harry and
Susan over there
kissing and hugging each other.
It's terrible.
Two weeks we've been married
and Harry's never
treated me like that.
(laughter erupts)
- I don't blame some people
being upset about immigrants.
We, Indians let a few in and
look what happened to us.
(laughter erupts)
- Oh, I know a real
swinging couple
who are getting a divorce.
The husband claims
that his wife confessed
he's the father of her baby.
(laughter erupts)
- Ever since the creation of man
unemployment has been with us.
Even God's first job
only lasted six days.
(laughter erupts)
(laughs)
- Oh Lulu, how does
my makeup look?
- Well, it looks fantastic.
For 29.95 that Earl
Scheib does wonders.
- Oh, God bless.
(laughter erupts)
- I'd like to find a man who
wants me just for my mind.
- Well, when you do,
would you have him
send me over the leftovers.
(laughter erupts)
- The editorial in
our paper today says
that if they give 18 year
olds the right to drink
Alcoholics Anonymous
is going to have
to setup Operation Headstart.
(laughter erupts)
- The cops in New York
are really getting tough.
Just when my business
picked, so was I.
(laughter erupts)
- Well, in the recent
Pentagon Papers decision
the Supreme Court proved
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that they are behind the Times.
(laughter erupts)
- President Nixon
used a football reference
when he called his financial
program his economic game plan.
But, it's gonna be
a hard game to win
when the quarterback's
in Washington
and the line's in the
unemployment office.
(laughter erupts)
- If you use a waffle
iron for a pillow,
be sure it is unplugged.
(laughter erupts)
- Instead of the pillow I
sleep with my head on a duck.
First of all, it's softer.
It's warmer.
And if you get hungry
in the middle of the night
you can eat it.
- Our Miss Brooks got
some bad news today.
It would have been good news
if she was Our Mrs. Brooks.
(laughter erupts)
- The Bob Hope Story.
Cue the war.
(slate snaps)
(laughter erupts)
- You know what they say girls.
A good man nowadays
is hard to find.
But you can find him if
you look in the right place.
For instance, my place, ooh.
I got a B, I got a
B I got a BA degree
I got a M, I got a
M I got a MA degree
I got a P, I got a H I got a PhD
I got everything but a J-O-B
- Oh Miss Leigh.
Ever since I saw you get stabbed
in the shower in Psycho I've
been afraid to take a shower.
- You're telling me.
- Hi, watch Dan's
beard disappear.
- Some of the mail
people have been asking
where we get the material
for the Fickle Finger Awards.
- Nevermind all that!
Ladies and gentlemen, I
am about to present a girl
who is the most unusual
performer ever witnessed
on Laugh-In's New Talent.
- Pardon the interruption.
- Certainly think nothing of it.
As I was saying
before I was interrupted
this girl is about
to present one
of the greatest surprises
in entertainment history.
- What does she do?
- I haven't the vaguest idea.
- Well, how do you
know her act is so great?
- Listen the word's around.
She's fantastic.
- Oh who told you?
- She did.
You see she's a carhop
I ran into at a drive-in.
- Well that still doesn't
explain how she got here.
- Well it was on my
front bumper you see
I ran into her in this drive-in.
- I don't want to hear about it.
Let's just see what she does.
- Oh, good idea.
I can hardly wait, myself.
- Where is she?
- Yahoo!
(audience applauds)
Happiness is Happiness
is Happiness is
Different things
to different people
That's what happiness
is To a preacher
It's a prayer prayer prayer
The Banana Splits
They say yeah yeah yeah
To a golfer It's a
hole in one To a father
It's a brand new son.
Happiness is Happiness
is Happiness is
Happiness is Different things
To different people
- Where you going?
That's what happiness
is - I promised
to punch up her finale.
- She's not going to do
any finale on this show.
- I certainly hope not.
(laughter erupts)
(audience applauds)
- Helen, you know something?
You really look great.
- She does yeah.
- Doesn't she?
- Have you been
on a diet, Helen?
- Well, yes.
- Really?
- Harry and I have
been on a new water diet
and we help each other out.
- Real, how interesting.
How does it work?
- Well, like this.
I go to eat a piece
of pie and, (splashes)
it works every time!
(laughter erupts)
- With so many military
men returning home
unemployed veterans
are seeking work
in many lines of endeavor.
Some of them have even
become supermarket owners.
- Now, as if by magic,
Dan's beard is back again.
- I've been here before
and I love it,
forgive me, I love it.
I love my floor.
I love my aisles.
I love my stock.
I love my sweet
peas and my crackers.
Oh, how I love the whole store.
I love it.
I'm Davis' Double Discount.
- General Davis, sir.
- Ah yes, hah!
- Al's Discount has
undercut us again.
They're selling TV
dinners a nickel a piece, sir.
- That's the worst, Sergeant.
TV dinners a nickel a piece?
- Yes, sir.
- Well that's what we
sell 'em for, Sergeant.
- I know sir, but they're
throwing in the TV.
- Oh ho, so it's war.
- Yes sir.
- They want war, eh?
The swine, I'll show 'em a
price war if they want one.
(laughs)
(laughter erupts)
It's 0900 Sergeant.
It's time for the next
Discount Dispatch.
- [Dispatcher] And now
for the latest discount
bargain from Al's.
Anyone buying a stick of
gum within the next five minutes
will receive double blue chip
stamps and a home in Florida.
- Oh, it looks like
we're finished, General.
- No we're not Sergeant.
No we're not, I'm going
to bring up my big guns.
Over here, over here.
Starting now, with any purchase,
anyone who makes a
purchase over eight cents,
I'm gonna throw in Helen.
- Your wife, sir?
- Yes, my wife.
- General you can't make
a cheap pawn of your wife
in a discount war like this.
Well, is eight cents all
she means to you, sir?
- You're right, Sergeant.
You're right.
You're all heart.
We'll make it a quarter.
- Yes, sir.
- [Dispatcher] And now
for the latest Al's Discount.
All you can carry out of
the store for just three cents
- Oh Sergeant, this calls
for the ultimate weapon.
Five, four, three, two, one.
This is General Davis,
commanding officer
of Davis' Discounts.
The next person who
walks into this store
will receive ownership
of the entire business.
All of it.
My aisles, my
foodstuffs, all of it.
Lock, stock and double barrel.
Let 'em top that, Sergeant.
- I think he has, General.
- What do you mean?
- Al just walked
in the front door.
- Oh no.
- And he has
Helen with him, sir.
- That's alright, Sergeant.
She was war surplus anyway.
(hums Taps)
appiness is
Happiness is different
things to different people
That's what happiness is
- My name is Nita Fad
and I'm five years old.
And you know what?
Momma put some
nasty stuff on my thumb
so I wouldn't put my
thumb in my mouth.
She said, if you put
things in your mouth
you could get sick.
So you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna take that bottle
and put some of that
stuff on her cigarettes.
And that's the truth.
(trills lips)
(brass music windup)
Happiness is Happiness is
Happiness is different
things to different people
That's what happiness is
- Doctor, Doctor, I
want you to give me gas.
- Try some of my wife's cooking.
(laughs)
- Eddie, Eddie, don't jump!
- But I got nothing
more to live for.
I'm all washed up.
Nobody wants to see
a vaudeville performer
anymore.
- Ah come on.
Come on, Eddie.
Something will turn up.
- I don't believe it.
- Listen Eddie, you've
gotta come inside.
Look a crowd is
beginning to form.
Look at all those
people down there.
- A crowd.
People.
- Yes.
- People, I'm not all washed up.
They still love me.
Lights are rolling in aha
I'd walk a million miles
For one of your smiles My Ma...
(sliding note falls)
- Janet, I heard
they're coming out
with a new birth-control
pill in the form of a Saltine.
- Yes, it's called
a safe cracker.
(laughter erupts)
- Hold onto the warm up.
Tonight we're gonna take a look
at what millions of
Americans, young and old,
do in their spare time.
You can't show
that on television.
- I'm talking about the Mod
World of toys and games.
Do you realize how
much money is spent
in this country on dolls alone?
- Well, if you get the
right doll alone, it's worth it.
- You know perfectly
well I'm talking
about the toy industry.
The toy industry has become
a multi-million dollar business.
- Well, I'm glad to hear
that because I just invented
a sensational new toy.
- Is that right?
- Yes, it's a thin,
round plastic circle
and you stand
in the middle of it
and then you spin it
around your waist like that.
- Dick, that's a hula hoop.
- Good name for it.
- That is the name for it.
They been using
hula hoops for years.
- Good heavens, I'm rich!
- Oh come on, let's
talk about games.
Hey have you ever
played Monopoly?
- Does it go like this?
- No, it doesn't go.
Monopoly for heaven's sake.
- Do I play Monopoly?
Would you ask Frank
Sinatra if he could sing?
Would you ask Fred
Astaire if he could dance?
Would you ask me
that question again?
(laughter erupts)
- Everybody knows
about Monopoly.
It's a world-famous game.
You buy and sell real estate.
You put houses...
- Oh, I played that
at a party once, I
didn't like it at all.
- You didn't?
Well maybe you
didn't play it right.
- Sure, we chose up sides and
then everybody got an orange.
You turned out the lights
and jumped over the net?
(laughter erupts)
- That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.
- That's what everybody said.
How could a stupid game
like that catch on like that?
- Maybe if we go
to the Mod World
of toys and games
we'll find out.
- Okay, I'll get the
oranges you get the lights.
- Alright, will you stop that?
(fabric tears)
(shouts in surprise)
(laughter erupts)
There's nothing
quite like a marionette
A puppety uppity marionette
You want to feel in
charge of everything
You wanna get your
way then pull the string
(laughs)
It's awful to be a marionette
The string along,
sing along marionette.
We're made to seem
amusing, gay, and glib
It's time we
demonstrate for puppet lib
I can move her left
hand Move my left hand
I can tap her right toe
Right toe, right toe I
can make her curtsy
I can curtsy Always
do my bidding
He must be kidding
Everyone loves a marionette
A dear and dumb
under thumb marionette
Though we're
tangled up with tyranny
There will come a
day when we cut free
Papier Mache quality
For puppet suffragettes
We're diligent,
militant marionettes
I can move her left
hand Move my right hand
I can tap her right
toe Left toe, left toe
I can make her
curtsy I won't curtsy
What is the confusion
It's revolution
Nothing quite like
my marionettes
My willful young,
skillful young marionettes
We will find a
way to cut the tape
Approve a whole
magilla out of shape
Living for the day
when we escape
This evil martinet
These smiley and wiley and wary
Aggressive and
stressive and scary
The puppety uppity marionettes
(audience applauds)
- I was playing Monopoly
the other day and just my luck,
every time I'd land on
somebody's property
the rent would go up.
(laughter erupts)
- They've come up
with a new product
that's half toy and half game.
The toy's a real-life
replica of the Pentagon
and the game is trying
to figure out how it works.
(laughter erupts)
- What can I do for you?
- Yes, thank you.
Oh, I'd like to buy an
educational toy for my son
but I don't want
to spend over $10.
It's my cut limit.
- Well, I only have
one toy for you
but it is an excellent one
and it helps stimulate
the imagination.
It's the Johnny
Jingo Pretend Stick.
It is $15.
- Hey wait a minute,
wait a minute.
That's just a stick.
I mean, that is just
a plain ordinary stick
I'm not blind you know.
That's a stick.
- No, No sir.
Now you see,
you're very mistaken.
It's much more than that.
You can pretend that
it's anything you want.
- No kidding.
- Yes, it could be a spyglass.
Isn't that wonderful?
It could be a gun.
Or an airplane without
wings zooming through the air.
Anything you want, all
you have to do is pretend.
- Oh, okay, hey, I'll take it.
- Good.
- Here.
- Well this is just
a gum wrapper.
- Pretend it's a $20 bill
and give me my change.
- I wouldn't buy my niece one
of those Raggedy Ann dolls.
I hate to have anything
lying around the house
that's built better than I am.
(laughter erupts)
- I just bought my kid one of
those new educational toys.
- Well, how does he like it
- Well, I don't know.
He hasn't been
able to figure out how
to get it out of the box.
(laughter erupts)
- I bought my wife a Chatty
Cathy doll three weeks ago.
It still hasn't been able
to get a word in edgewise.
(laughter erupts)
- My son had so many war
toys, he doesn't have playmates.
He has advisers.
(laughter erupts)
- We're talking boat works.
- Chief, Chief.
- What do you got, Johnson?
- I got it.
I'm so excited.
Oh, it's the ultimate toy.
We'll make millions.
(crashes)
- What do you mean?
Look it fell apart already.
Why, a kid'll get one of those,
he'll start crying for
another one right away.
- I told you, we'll
make millions.
- I'm tired of those
toys that kept breaking.
I went out and brought
my kid a $100 truck.
It was rust-proof,
dust-proof, shock-proof,
water-proof, rock-proof,
completely indestructible.
- Well, what happened to it?
- He traded it for a frog.
- I bought my son some toy
soldiers that were so realistic
that on Christmas a toy Bob
Hope came to entertain them.
- Did you hear about the guy
who beat up the
toy manufacturer?
He was arrested and
charged only with assault.
Battery not included.
- What have you come
up with now, Warner?
- Well, it's a revolutionary
new executive toy.
- Executive toy?
- I call it, Anything Annie.
- What's it for?
- Well, if you have to ask,
I'm not sure if
you're gonna like it.
(laughter erupts)
- Hey, Warner, you know
what you could do with this?
- Now you got it.
It's totally
computer controlled.
It'll do anything
you ask it to do.
Go ahead, try one.
- Any?
- Ask anything.
- Blow out this match.
(cymbals crash)
(blows air)
(laughter erupts)
- Sensational, Warner.
This is gonna be the
hottest item we've ever had.
You have created the answer
to every man's wildest dreams.
A beautiful girl who'll
do anything you ask.
Kiss me.
- Not tonight, I've
got a headache.
(laughter erupts)
- I've got a great name for it.
We'll call it
a wife.
- A wife.
(laughter erupts)
- Daniel, I was
once a millionaire
but then I lost everything.
- What was it, the market?
Business went bad?
Crooked partner?
- Nope, Christmas we got
our daughter a Barbie doll
with none of the accessories.
- We bought some
toys about a year ago
and they stayed in perfect
condition until yesterday.
- What happened yesterday?
- We let the kids
play with them.
(laughter erupts)
- You think that's
something, last Christmas
I bought my daughter
a doll that was so lifelike
by New Year's it had run
off with a rock-and-roll singer.
(laughter erupts)
There's nothing
quite like a marionette
A dutiful, beautiful marionette
(laughter erupts)
(brass music outros)
("Laugh-In Theme" music)
- This is gonna hurt me
more than it hurts you.
However, it's gonna cost you
more than it's gonna cost me.
(laughter erupts)
Opie-wopie (drill buzzes)
Toothie-woothie, drillie-willie.
- Janet, I understand
you're a horse-racing fan.
- Oh yes, I went to the
races yesterday and bet
on a horse named Totie Fields.
- How'd it do?
- Oh it came in first
and second and third.
- Well, it's time
again for the quickies.
This happens to be a
department on the show which is...
- Excuse me.
- Oh for crying out loud.
- Would you hold this
till I get more sleep?
Thank you.
Now, you see this?
When I say fire,
you push this down.
- When you say fire, I...
- You push this down and
then you catch me in this.
- What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
- I gotta go get in the cannon.
- The cannon?
- Sure, what else would a
human cannonball
get into, a closet?
How would that sound?
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Dick Martin
the human closet-ball.
Now how would that sound?
- You're right, man.
If I ever saw a fellow
who needed a cannon,
you need a cannon.
Now why would you want
to do a stupid thing like this?
- Well, my uncle was
the Great Zucchini.
- The Great Zucchini?
- The human cannonball
they called him.
I guess you could say I'm
following in his smoke steps.
- The Great Zucchini?
I never heard of
the Great Zucchini.
- He was world famous,
didn't even use a net.
- Where did he land?
- Well, you never knew for sure.
(laughter erupts)
Once he landed on top
of the popcorn machine.
Another time he
landed across the street
under the blue station wagon.
- He had a very unusual act.
- Hmm, that's nothing.
One day he landed in the
ladies room at the bus terminal.
(laughter erupts)
- That must have
been embarrassing.
- It sure was.
He wasn't even shot
out of a cannon that day.
(laughter erupts)
- I don't want to hear anymore
about your Uncle Zucchini.
- Good, 'cause it's time
to get in the cannon.
Now, you hold
the net out like that.
Got it?
And when I say fire, you push
the plunger down, you got it?
- Wait a minute, wait.
How about your wires?
- Oh wait a minute,
I'll connect my wires.
Remember the instruction.
You catch me in this and
you push the plunger down.
- Okay Zucchini,
go get in the cannon.
- Have you got that?
- Yeah I'm ready.
- I'm gonna go now.
This is me going.
- Get a picture of him going.
Alright now.
- [Dick] Ready?
- Ready.
- [Dick] Fire.
(cannon booms)
(air whistles)
- This might take
a minute folks.
Go ahead and
look at the quickies.
Dick?
- Permission to
watch a quickie, sir?
(laughs)
- We like having young
people in the order.
But we would rather you say,
I am going to toll the bells
instead of, I now
gonna ring your chimes.
(laughter erupts)
(racy music)
- Say there RC, it's rumored
that they may bring back
Our Miss Brooks to television.
- Yeah, well that's right,
but we're gonna have
to change it a little
for modern audiences.
This time, I'm
playing Miss Brooks.
- Oh and not a minute too soon.
(laughter erupts)
(hammer bangs)
(laughter erupts)
(air whistles)
- Dick?
Well, part of him.
(laughter erupts)
(grunting)
(shouts)
- Hey don't step on
that piece of paper.
It may be important.
- Well, what does it say?
- It says, do not step
on this piece of paper.
It may be important.
(laughter erupts)
- Being on Laugh-In is
like being in the Army.
You wait around and wait
around and nothing ever happens.
(water splashes)
(laughter erupts)
Are you sure this is the way
Lloyd Bridges got his start?
(air whistles)
- Dick?
You in there boy?
(laughter erupts)
Dick?
There's gotta be something else.
(laughter erupts)
- Lost, envelope
containing junk mail.
Finder, please contact Occupant.
(laughter erupts)
(laughter erupts)
- Will the publicity man
for Willard T. Fluger
please pick up his final check.
- Hi, Dot.
- How are you, Mister Brill?
Is all this stuff yours?
- Yes.
- Let's see now, one tomato,
a bunch of bananas,
that's $0.34.
One sport coat, that's $15.95.
One necktie, $1.15.
One shirt, come on,
now, help me off with it.
- Gee I understand you
played Walter Denton,
the high school student
in Our Miss Brooks
until you were 32.
How did you manage to
maintain that youthful appearance?
- Well for one thing, I had
to eat 10 lbs. of chocolate
everyday to keep my acne up.
- Oh, when are
you going to stop?
(air buzzes)
(crashes)
(laughter erupts)
- What went wrong?
- Wrong?
That's the best I ever did it?
(laughter erupts)
- Well, doesn't it hurt?
- Well, isn't it supposed to?
(laughter erupts)
- Miss Leigh.
After being killed in
Psycho, aren't you afraid
of taking a shower alone?
- Are you asking
or offering, big boy?
(laughter erupts)
- Sickness, sickness
everywhere, sickness.
(laughter erupts)
Nurse, will you come in please?
- Yes, kindly old Dr. Crobie,
what can I do for you?
- Oh, why didn't you ask
me that 20 years ago?
- Oh I did, but you
were too old then, too.
Happiness is what I love
- My goodness those
teeth really need cleaning.
- That's my breakfast.
- You really should brush
your teeth after every meal.
- Let's see here, Cassius
Clay, Cassius Clay.
(rotary dial turning)
(snorts)
One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingys.
Gracious, good
afternoon, is this the party
to whom I am speaking?
Well a gracious good
afternoon Mr. Clay.
It took you so long
to answer the bell,
I was sure you had
thrown in the towel.
A little Ma Bell knockout there.
Now then, Mr. Clay, what's that?
You're not Cassius Clay?
Oh, you were Cassius Clay.
Well, there does seem to be
some confusion about your name.
We have an unpaid bill
now here under two listings,
Cassius Clay and Muhammad Ali.
Oh, I see, the
correct one is Ali.
Alright, I've got that.
Mr. Cassius Ali.
Oh, not Cassius, Muhammad.
Oh very well then,
Mr. Ali Muhammad.
What, that's wrong too?
Well, look here now.
Will you stop all this fighting?
What's that?
If you stop fighting the
bill will never get paid?
That's one for you.
I guess when you're
number two you try harder.
- Permission to watch
the motion picture,
Carnal Knowledge
in slow motion, sir?
- Janet, I heard that
Raquel Welch was going
to join the Woman's
Liberation Movement.
- Yes, but she figured
by the time she finished
burning her bra, the
movement would be over.
(laughter erupts)
- I think I have your
name right, now.
Let's see, it's Muhammad Ali.
Is that right?
Good.
Now then, Mr. Muhammad Ali,
what should I do
about this unpaid bill?
Pardon me.
I should what?
Send it to Cassius Clay?
Hello, hello.
(Irish folk music)
We're rubbing and scrubbing
and tubbing the clothes
We're Irish begorah
from top knots to toes
We come from Killarny,
Kilgary, and Cork
We know all the scams
from Newcastle to York
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the inflammation
In a way we hope
we'll amuse, yous.
We just love to
give you our views
Annie go bra, la ta di da
Ladies and gents laugh get loose
at the newses on
Dick and on Dan.
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the Laugh-In News
with space satellites over
Earth, Fraser Cox overjoyed,
Mama Cass overweight,
Doc Severenson over dressed,
and now, here's Dan
Rowan under the gun.
- And here's Dick
Martin under the weather.
- Washington D.C., President
Nixon today told reporters
that he was extremely pleased
with the country's
economic outlook
and was convinced
that his programs
to fight recession were working.
He made these statements
at his weekly press
conference in the White Shack.
(laughter erupts)
Woodstock, the first annual
meeting of the dissident hippie
or rather make that yippie,
the dissident-yippie
revolutionaries was halted today
when a group of senior
citizens disrupted the meeting
by behaving in
an orderly fashion.
However, just in the
nick of time a group
of Hell's Angels broke in
and were finally
able to restore chaos.
(laughter erupts)
Good thing.
As a result of an
extended heatwave
in New York City today,
the Statue of Liberty
was sighted, in
the harbor floating
on her back in a bikini.
(laughter erupts)
And now here's the news
of the future with Dan.
- Washington D.C.
twenty years from now.
Sam Shapiro, the country's
first Jewish president,
took office today.
Immediately introduced a bill
to remove all
Gentile Congressmen.
When asked why he
took this action, he replied,
my mother would roll over if
I didn't keep a kosher house.
(laughter erupts)
(Dick laughs repeatedly)
News of the future.
That's enough, Dick.
Twenty years from now
Astronauts return to the landing site
of the Apollo 15 to
inspect the Moon Rover,
the first vehicle on the Moon.
The astronauts reported
that they were amazed
at the excellent
condition of the rover.
However, they noted that
all four hubcaps were missing.
(laughter erupts)
There are still some
unanswered questions
regarding the Moon Rover
used in that recent Moon shot.
To clear these up,
we take you now,
to Houston's Space Center.
Moon Rover, the
jack is in the trunk
- Sir.
- I just thought you'd like
a little musical
interlude there.
A little song.
- We loved it, I'll tell you.
- Sir, we understand
the astronauts left
some things behind on the Moon.
- Well that's right.
We left two symbols
of our country.
An American flag
and an abandoned car.
(laughter erupts)
- Wasn't it a very special car?
- Actually it was just
like any other car.
Something went
wrong with it right away
and there was
nobody around to fix it.
(laughter erupts)
- Now didn't it come
with a warranty?
- Sure, five days
or 50 million miles,
whichever comes first.
(laughter erupts)
- I imagine it must
have bothered you
to have to leave it up there.
- Well, leaving it
was no problem.
No, what bothers me
is, I think I left it unlocked.
(laughter erupts)
- Unlocked?
Why, the Moon
Rover costs $8 million.
- Oh true, true,
but we don't have
to finish making the payments.
After all, who's
gonna repossess it?
(laughter erupts)
Moon Rover Miami
- Further news of the future.
President Henry
Kissinger today appointed
his new Secretary
of State, Zhou Enlai.
President Kissinger
also announced
that his new Secretary
of State, Zhou Enlai,
will not be bogged
down in bureaucracy,
but will report directly
to the new Vice
President, William Fulbright,
unless, of course, the
Secretary of Defense,
David Eisenhower, is available.
(laughter erupts)
Further news is
expected momentarily
from the Western
White House in Stuttgart.
- Hi.
(laughs)
Busy Buzzi here from Hollywood.
Tinseltown has
been buzzing lately
about the torrid romance
of two big, big stars.
Well, they finally
took the big step
and tied the knot legally today.
It was the third
marriage for him
and the second marriage for him.
(laughs)
Bye, Buzzi, kissy kissy.
- And now we take you to
our man in savage Papua
for an exclusive
interview with the chief
of a headhunting tribe.
- Chief, why do
you hunt for heads?
- Because very few people
come in and donate them.
(laughter erupts)
- Hi, Big Al here
explaining some
of footballs more
scintillating signals.
(blows whistle)
- Oh, oh, watch it lips,
you're getting involved.
(laughter erupts)
Just before the game
begins the referee does this,
which means this
team is going to kick.
And the other team is
going to wash it's face.
(laughter erupts)
(blows whistle)
Oh, what are you doing after
the game, you silver devil?
And then there's this one,
which means I want my
mommy, I want my mommy.
(laughs)
(blows whistle)
Oh, I'm going to
write a book about you
called The Sensuous Whistle.
And here's the last signal.
(laughs)
I don't know what it
means, but it goes good
with a tiko-tiko-tak
a tiko-tiko-tak.
(laughter erupts)
- Now here's our
man at the South Pole.
- Here at the South Pole it
is 100 degrees below zero
and I've just stumbled
upon an Eskimo
who, believe it or not
is eating a Popsicle.
- Popsicle, are you kidding?
This is a cup of coffee.
- And now for Kid News for Kids.
Here's Moussey
Dryer in the tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moussey here with
Kid News for Kids.
I think I'm starting to
walk in my sleep again
because this morning
when I woke up
I was in a gas station.
Boy was I surprised.
I've never been to
Cleveland before.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- One of London's traditional
figures is the chimney sweep.
Working now, inside this
chimney, is one of these, Mister...
- Blodger,
Blodger's the name,
chimney's me game.
When there's work to
do, Blodger tap the flue.
(laughs)
- How did you happen to
get into this line of work, sir?
- Well, I followed in
me father's footsteps.
- Your father was
a chimney sweep?
- No, sir, he was a drunk.
Every night when he got home,
down the chimney he'd come.
(laughter erupts)
- He must have
really been blasted.
- Not at all.
When he was blasted,
which was every night,
up the chimney he'd go again.
- Isn't chimney sweeping
a dangerous job?
- There's one basic thing
you have to be very careful of.
- What is that?
- Before you start
down a chimney,
you have to make sure
the fireplace is not alight.
- I see, by the way, how
wide is the average fireplace?
- Ah, if you don't mind, I
would rather not answer
that particular question.
- Oh there's no harm in
revealing the width of a fireplace.
- Well now sir, but I have
my reasons, if you don't mind.
- Well, couldn't you make
an exception this once.
Tell our viewers how wide.
- Well alright, you've
been very nice up to now.
Your average basic fireplace
is about, what say, this wide.
(screams)
(crashes)
- Back to you Dick and Dan.
- [Blodger} I told
you I had my reasons.
(laughter erupts)
- And now changes
in our political climate
as brought about by an ill wind.
- Here's the political
weather for next year.
First of all, we can expect
a mass of hot air
in the primaries,
followed by unsettled
conditions at the conventions.
Plus, numerous snow
jobs on the campaign trails
with a 50% chance of
another high-pressure system
in Washington.
- And that's the way it is,
Friday, December 25th, 1927.
La at di da erin go
bra Ladies and gents
Laugh-In look at the news
Happiness is Happiness is
- Uh, Lily, what happens next?
- Well, at this
point, what happ...
First of all the
shows been go...
We've been having one sec...
There's been one scene...
First, people have
come they've...
There've been wa...
There's been all kinds...
There's been things
that have happened.
There's been... - And there's...
If we want a sketch
and Walter Denton...
- No that's...
- And Dan doesn't...
- Right, yeah that's right,
but that's not what the thing...
- After.
- What happens is you've
got to move along at a certain
because what comes now
is that because what hap...
It hit, well it has to
do with consumerism.
- Too much right hand.
- Hey, Dan, Dick.
- Hey.
- You know who I
bumped into before?
- No, but I'll tell you who's
about to bump into you now.
Look out, Hawkins.
Hawkins the butler.
- Hawkins you've got
to try to be more careful.
- Oh, I'm sorry sir
but I do me best, sir.
- Well, that's not
very reassuring.
- Oh, mish-eye-wuth-nam-nee-ho.
I came in berifle.
You gentlemen might
like a little pick-me-up.
- A little pick-me-up.
- There we are sir.
All hands round, sir, organic.
- Thank you.
- Would you like a little
some to freshen yours up, sir?
- Whoop, now hold it, hold it.
I think that I, what's that
in that bottle over there?
- Very wise choice.
- Safer than this.
- That is your
basic quinine water.
Alright, yeah.
- Watch it, be careful.
- Ah, what, Hawkins, Hawkins!
(laughter erupts)
- You blasted idiot.
Look what you've done
to Mr. Crenna's jacket.
- Hey, don't be cruel.
I'll just fix this up.
- Try to do something.
- Right, I shall
get it out for you.
- I wouldn't have asked you.
- Did you get some
on your pants, too?
- No, no, no
thanks, that's alright.
- Miss Leigh, if I
were an actress,
I would never appear
nude or be seen in a movie
that included nude scenes.
- You're making a big
fuss over such little things.
(laughter erupts)
(sobs)
(cries)
- Are you crying?
- Yeah, I'm crying.
- Oh, you are crying.
(laughs)
Do you hear that, friends?
He is crying.
(cries loudly)
- I'm taking the bus
down to the docks
and I'm going to end it all.
I'm no good.
- Oh, do you hear that, friends?
This man says, he's no good.
That's not good, to be no good.
It's good to be good.
- I'm no good.
- But that's no good.
Why do you say you're no good?
- I have two bad habits.
For one, I drink.
- You drink for one.
- No, I drink for two.
- Well, let's get on to
your second problem.
- I steal, I drink and I steal.
- You drink and you steal.
What (laughs) do you steal?
- Drinks.
(sobs)
I can't be helped.
- Oh, friends, he says
he can't be helped.
Oh, but you can be helped.
But before you can be helped
there are two
things you must do.
- What?
- You must stop
drinking and stealing.
- Do you think that'll do it?
- It'll help.
- You're right.
Thank you, I feel
like a new man.
- There, another misguided
person set on the straight path.
Oh, here comes my bus.
Oh good heavens,
he stole my purse.
(laughs)
But that's no good.
- Ha-Ha, chic-a-boom chic-a-boom
chic-a-boom-boom-boom.
(laughs)
You know something, Dick Crenna?
I've seen everyone of your TV
shows and all of your movies.
- Well, you must
be a real fan of mine.
- No, I'm a glutton
for punishment.
(laughs)
- You're new here aren't you?
- How could you tell?
- No grass stains.
(laughter erupts)
- We have a little problem here.
You see that tooth
way in the back?
- Yeah.
- That's not yours.
(laughter erupts)
Opie-wopie.
Say ahh.
Ah, ah,
Ahh ahhhh
(happiness music plays)
- Cut that out.
- [Gary] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
- [Spokesman]
Burlington Industries.
- My my, these
teeth look very bad.
I'm afraid they're gonna
have to go to the shop.
Nice smile.
- Oh funny, very funny.
- Time to say good night, Dick.
(shouts loudly)
- Clearing my throat.
- Yes, keep those old
tones fat and round.
- Hey don't you
want to tell the people
who our next week's guest is?
- Next week, who's that?
- Look, it happens to be
Herbert the famous singing pig.
(laughter erupts)
- Oh, the famous singing pig?
- You mean you haven't heard
his hit recording of Born Fat?
- Oh, come on.
How can a pig sing?
They only grunt and squeal.
- I didn't say he sang good.
- Oh.
- Well, I did say the
audience is gonna love him.
Why, once he struts out
there in his little old tuxedo
and little top hat and
his sequined tap shoes.
- He tap dances?
- What else, did you ever hear
of a pig doing the soft shoe?
(laughter erupts)
- I don't want him on the show.
- Well, he's gonna
be very disappointed.
This is his farewell
appearance, you know.
He's joining the Las...
Los Angeles Rams.
It's not the Las Angeles.
- He's joining
the Los Angeles...
He's gonna be a player
on the Los Angeles
- No, he's gonna
be a football.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
- Get out there Herbert.
(audience applauds)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hey, Johnny.
- Yo, Annie Mae.
- Hey, what do they call a lion
who wears pink hot
pants, a see-through shirt
and sequined wedgies?
- Queen of the jungle!
- Yes dear?
- What do you get if you
cross a lion with a porcupine?
- I don't know what.
- A very cross lion.
- Oh Al, you must
advise me in this situation.
- Oh I certainly want to.
- What is the best kind
of lion to sleep with?
(laughs)
- A dead one.
- What did the
doctor tell the lion
who called up complaining
of stomach trouble?
- Well he told him to
drink two missionaries
and to call him in the morning.
- Gumgawa.
(laughs)
- What kind of a
kids' orsan, oh sorry.
- Go ahead, just
try it again, Al.
- Thank you, you're a
very wonderful person,
a very kind person
a very older person
to help a younger person.
What kind of a
kids' organization
does a lion join
when he's young?
- The Cub Scouts.
- You got it, buster.
(laughter erupts)
- How much does a lion weigh?
- Anyway he wants.
(laughter erupts)
(upbeat kazoo music)
(fire hissing)
(cannon roars)
(ball rolls)
(pins crashing)
(crashes)
- Hey, I think we ought
to thank our audience
here in the studio
theater, tonight.
- Well, it's the best audience
we've had all season.
A regular Saturday night
crowd if I ever saw one.
(audience applauds)
(laughter erupts)
- This program is pre-recorded
which means it
isn't really live,
but don't give up, maybe
next week's will be better.
That's what happiness is to me
(shouts)
(footsteps running)