Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 4 - Episode #5.4 - full transcript
- Gone, my headache's gone!
- National Safety Council
commercial, take one.
(whip cracks)
- Does this mean
the engagement's off?
- [Pilot] Flight 789,
I've only got enough gas
for another five minutes,
- [Different Pilot] Flight 12,
we've got to land immediately.
- Okay fellas, I've got one
opening on runway number eight.
I'm gonna start the
bidding at 500 smackers.
500, 500, do I hear six?
(laughs)
- I like my men tall,
dark, and handy.
- Thank you, doctor.
You made me feel like a new man.
- Next!
- Here you go.
- Waitress, I
ordered a dry martini.
- Right, a dry martini.
You got it. (cackles)
- Things are gonna
start getting big.
Sarah the swinger
is making the scene.
Hey look, no hands!
- Howdy smoke?
- I don't know, I
never tried to light him.
- Miss Susan, baby, why do
you write so much about sex?
- Well, I write about
living, and sex is living.
- Right on, baby.
- Oh hello friends.
This is Chaplain Budd Homley
with a message for today.
Let him who is
without sin among you
cast the first stone.
- [Radio] 1 Adam 12, 1 Adam 12.
- This is 1 Adam 12, go ahead.
- [Radio] Raquel
Welsh is being molested
at the corner of 5th and Main.
Please proceed to that
location and lend assistance.
- What do you think?
- All right with me,
but who do we help?
- Florence Welch and
her all-girl orchestra.
(jazz music plays quite poorly)
(humming)
Can't you see how
happy we will be
(terrible saxophone solo)
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
we're certainly delighted
tonight to introduce
our guest star.
You know her as
a school teacher.
- Yeah, she's got a lot of
principles and a lot of class.
- Surely yes.
We've all fallen
in love with her.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
miss Karen Valentine.
(audience applauds)
- Oh surprise surprise.
- Hawkins, Hawkins,
what are you doing?
- Well, miss, I was,
I thought that maybe
Miss Valentine would care
to indulge in a cup of tea.
- Well, that's very sweet.
Um, who is this?
- Hawkins the butler.
- Hawkins the butler.
- Hawkins the butler, right,
I shall get him for you fellows.
- Wait a minute.
You're Hawkins the
butler, you ding dong.
- Oh, thank you miss,
you saved me a trip.
Excuse me, would
you care for a drop?
- Yes, please.
- Right, sugar I suppose?
(audience laughs)
- Yes.
- Say when.
- When!
- Oh, pardonne moi.
A little cream, my dear?
- Yes.
- Oh I've got a bit of
dizzy spell coming on.
- Oh no.
- Oh dear, oh dear.
(audience laughs)
- Well now look
what you've done.
You spilled the
cream all over the floor!
- Oh, gentlemen,
don't worry on it.
I happen to be prepared
for that little mishap.
Here you are, you little.
He did 15 laps in the
kitchen before I came here.
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Blood Bank
and Brewery, NBC, the
Never Been Censored network
works its net over Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
Starring the aesthetic Dan Rowan
and that anesthetic Dick Martin
with special guest
star Karen Valentine
and Ruth Buzzi
Alan Sues
and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen Johnny Brown
Ann Elders
Barbara Sharma
and the new kid, Richard Dawson
and Larry Hovis
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this advice for those
troubled with loose dentures,
keep a stiff upper lip.
But first, this commercial.
- Tell me madam, does your
deodorant really do the job?
- Well to tell you the
truth, no it doesn't actually.
- Well in that case,
would you mind
standing back just a little?
(grunts)
- Ya know, I can't
think of a better
partner to have than you.
- Aw, I'm glad
you feel that way.
- What do you mean?
- Well because I can't
find the keys to these cuffs.
- How do you tell
if a tomato's ripe?
- Well you can if it's soft.
- Well is this one ripe?
- Well, let's see.
This this is just fine.
(yells)
- Ow, be careful,
that's my sunburn.
- This one's good too.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
there are two things
you should never
do in show business.
And here they are now,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Oh you're too kind.
That's enough,
hold back, thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's enough of that.
- We've gotta work in front of a
Johnny Carson
audience every day.
- Oh, that's right.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for that
wonderful round.
- I must tell you
that I just made it.
I had to go to the library.
- Oh you dropping off a book?
- No, picking up a librarian.
(audience laughs)
- I should have
known you wouldn't be
involved in literary pursuits.
- Yeah, what do you
call chasing a librarian?
- A waste of time.
- Not if you ever caught one.
(laughs)
- Tell me the truth.
Have you ever
actually read a book?
- Do you serious?
- Certainly.
- Well I've read almost
every book in the library.
- Every book in the library?
- Indeed, I consider
myself a literary authority.
- You do consider yourself,
have you ever read
any Shakespeare?
- Read him, (laughs)
I've even translated
some of his works into English.
- Translated, Shakespeare
is already in English.
- You call "what
light through yonder
"window breakth" English?
- How would you translate it?
- Everybody up, sun's out.
(audience laughs)
See, that people understand.
- That's beautiful.
It just kinda rolls along.
You really don't know
anything about literature.
I bet you can't even tell
me who wrote Julius Caesar.
- Well, he got a couple of
hot letters from Cleopatra.
And the bard, it was a mistake.
- Okay, maybe the older
stuff you're not familiar with.
How about something a
little more contemporary?
Do you know anything
about Rosemary's Baby?
- I know one thing, I
had nothing to do with it.
(audience laughs)
No sir, we had one drink.
- It has become apparent to me,
I'm going about this
the wrong way, Charlie.
Let me ask you this, do
you have a favorite story?
- Well yes, there's these
three Irishmen in the bar...
- No no, not that kind of story.
- Oh, how'd you like to
hear one I wrote myself?
- Oh I'd love to,
what's it called?
- I call it Moby Dick.
- Moby Dick? It's a classic!
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Would you like to read one
of my more recent works?
- One your more,
what exactly is that?
- Well it's sort of
a little Hemingway.
- What's a little Hemingway?
- Well about a pound and a half.
(laughs)
Some of them
get real big though.
- I'm sure they do.
Well I don't have time to
read your little Hemingway
or anything else, it's
time to go to the quickies.
- Yeah, well we can
read it on the way.
It's written on the
wall of the locker room.
- We don't have time.
- It's right next
to the (laughs)
- I don't want to hear it.
- There once was
a man named Dave.
- Come on, I don't
want to hear it.
- Now this is a
really good tomato.
(playful music)
(dishes smash)
- That'll be 46
dollars and 11 cents.
- Ug.
- Ug ug.
- Don't change subject.
- Okay, I need three volunteers.
- Are you Jacqueline Suzanne?
- Yes, I am.
- I didn't recognize you without
your plain brown wrapper.
- Statistics prove the
population is increasing
at a dangerous rate,
according to the government.
The solution is simple.
The next time you have
a baby, don't tell them.
- You know you're gonna
love Foonman's Nudist Camp.
I mean, the food is
delicious, there's a lovely pool,
beautiful weather,
fresh air, sunshine,
this place is
absolutely perfect.
Except for the porcupines!
- Are you ready,
honorable Jun Lai?
- Most ready, honorable
President Nixon.
- Okay, double or
nothing for Cambodia.
- Waitress?
- Waitress, what do you want?
- There's a fly in my soup.
- Oh yeah, got it
for you. (laughs)
- Oh Sister Flossy,
one of my students
came to class today
wearing a pink
see-through blouse
and violet velvet hot pants.
- (clucks tongue) How awful.
- Oh heavens, what did you do?
- I sent him home.
- Arthur, can you shoe my horse?
- You bet.
Shoo, horsie, shoo!
- Oh darling.
- Oh sweetheart, I've
missed you so much.
- Oh I miss you
too, it's terrible.
- Oh I love you.
- I love you too.
- Oh kiss me.
- Here's a hundred dollars.
I want the homeliest
girl in the place.
- A hundred dollars?
For that, you can have the
most beautiful girl we have.
- I know, but I'm homesick.
- Hey, take over for me,
I'm going on a coffee break.
- Well, got the 24-hour flu.
- Can you cure it?
- I think so.
- Well hurry up, I
haven't got all day.
- Can I help you, sir?
- No thanks, just looking.
- Oh, what a man, Howard Hughes.
Oh wouldn't I just love
being married to him.
Oh, Howard Hughes.
(snores)
I'm going to bed, Howard.
Howard?
Howard!
Howard?
- Some day, the church
may allow the clergy to marry.
Laugh In wonders how
a girl's family will react
on learning that her
intended is a priest.
- Daddy, I have wonderful news.
Roger and I want to get married.
- Who's Roger?
- A boy I met at church.
- Oh, good, at
least he's religious.
- Oh and he's a conservative
dresser and very humble.
- You know, getting
married means making
a lot of sacrifices, Karen.
- Oh, you should see the
three he's made already.
(doorbell rings)
Oh that must be Roger now.
Come in.
Father, meet Father.
- My son.
- You want to marry a priest?
- Oh yes, he's the
answer to all my prayers.
- A job like that doesn't
pay much, does it?
- Well don't forget, he
doesn't spend much on clothes.
- Yes, there are
other advantages too.
The hours are great and
I work only on Sundays.
- Well, what about security?
- Oh no worry there, our
organization is second
only to General Motors.
- Well, you have my blessing.
- Thank you, you
drop around Sunday
and I'll return
the favor. (laughs)
- You know, being in love means
never having to say I'm sorry.
- You're standing on my foot.
- I'm sorry.
- Marriage means always
having to say you're sorry.
- Draft dodging means never
having to say you're sorry, Sir.
- Good grammar means
never having to say you is sorry.
- ESP means never
having to say anything.
- Being a rabbi means
never having to say mass.
- Good dentures means
never having to say you're
(coughs and squeaks) sorry.
- Being married over 50
years means never having to
and that is tasteful.
That is not tasteful.
Barbarian.
- Well, I'm sure you'll
enjoy the swinging life here
at the South Jay
Club, Ms. Sugarman.
- Thank you. (giggles)
(engine roars)
- Yay, break out the
beer and pour it in your ear
Sarah the swinger
is finally here.
- Who are you
looking for, madam?
- Anybody, just get me a
room and fill it up with people.
Hey sonny, how would you
like to age 15 years tonight?
- I'm sorry madam, I don't think
you understand the situation.
We only rent to single swingers.
- Just what I'm looking for.
I'm single and
I'm ready to swing.
Where do I sign?
- Wouldn't you rather be
with people your own age?
- What do I look like, a doctor?
You get an old man excited
and what have you got?
A dead body, who needs it?
- You sure you can
afford our prices here?
- Are you putting me on?
Listen, I've got a
Ferrari, a 50-foot yacht
and 300 thou in the bank.
- Wow, what do
you do for a living?
- I'm a professional
beneficiary.
You know, I've gone
through number six
and I'm looking for seven.
You know something?
- What?
- You remind me
of my third husband.
I was 24 when I married him.
He died on our honeymoon.
- Sorry to hear that,
what'd he die of?
- Old age.
Hey, sonny, you want to do
your good deed for the day?
Take an old lady
up to your room?
- Madam, what could
you possibly have
to attract a young man?
- Experience,
over 50 years of it.
You do something
for 50 years and
you're bound to get all the
bugs out, you know what I mean?
- Well, I'm afraid you'd
find the pace here at
the South Jay Club
a little too tiring.
- Are you putting me on?
Listen, I could wear
you out just reminiscing.
- I'm sorry, I really feel you'd
be happy some place else.
- What kind of place is this?
A young republican's club?
You know something,
I'm going right back home.
At least there's a
little excitement there.
- Where do you live now?
- The Rams locker room.
- Howard!
Howard!
- Come on Dick, it's
time to go to the party.
- Hold it, here comes Hawkins.
- Oh boy.
What is it now, Hawkins?
- Well sir, it is a
matter of money, sir.
- What do you mean money?
- Well sir, I've been
kept very busy here, sir
helping the young lady
with their wardrobes,
carry them into their
costumes, drawing their baths.
- I think $20 ought
to be right, huh?
- Sounds fair.
- Right sir, I shall
give you 10 now,
and 10 when my ship comes in.
- We're late for the party.
- Oh, there are so many
mobile homes on the road
these days that
breaking and entering
has become a moving violation.
- I just read in the
paper about one of those
swinging couples
that got a divorce.
- Oh yeah, on what grounds?
- She charged him with fidelity.
(laughs)
- I never will forget time
when my people ran free,
swam in river, chase
squirrels through trees,
danced all night and
smoked peace pipe.
- Oh yes, many years
ago on the reservation.
- No, last week
at rock festival.
(yells)
- Take your hands off me!
Good evening, constable.
The master says there's
gonna be some serious
problems if women
become priests.
Whatever you say in confession
will be all over
town the next day.
- Hey, would you pose
in the nude for a portrait?
- Um, yeah.
- Good, here's a
portrait of my uncle.
Get your gear off.
- (laughs) You know, toots,
you got a face that would
launch a thousand ships.
- You mean I look
like Helen of Troy?
- No, Aristotle
Onassis. (laughs)
- Ah, Senator, there's
a lot of talk about
campaign funds being
used to influence politicians.
- Nonsense, my campaign
financing's very businesslike.
And whatever
business likes, I like.
- A guy from the
vice court came by the
corner yesterday and
took a picture of me.
Frankly, it didn't do me justice
and neither did the cop.
- John, what are
the most prominent
black organizations
in America today?
- I would say the NAACP,
the Urban League,
and the National
Basketball Association.
- Tell me, do you plan
on having a large family?
- Well no, we
like all of our kids
to be about the
same size as we are.
- I hear the government's
looking into truth in advertising.
Great idea, now if we
could only get someone
to look into truth
in government.
- A few weeks ago, I almost
got some great pictures
of Frank Sinatra's
farewell performance
but at the last minute,
he pulled the shade down.
But I could still
hear him singing.
- I think medical costs
are just getting out of hand.
You know, I heard they
just opened a new hospital
called Out Lady of
Perpetual Payments.
- 345 (whip cracks) (yells)
346 (whip cracks) (yells)
347 (whip cracks) (yells)
- 13, 14, 15
- 16 (whip cracks) (yells)
17 (whip cracks) (yells)
(small bell dings)
- Did you miss that six?
- Oh yeah, six, seven, eight
hey, you're next.
- Oh he dropped one.
- What are you doing?
- Oh you just parked
next to a hydrant.
I'm giving you a ticket.
- Can it be my turn?
- Next.
- Okay, I'll be here.
(whip cracks)
- Where was I?
- I don't know, but
advance for a loan, carry on.
- Hi, does this mouthwash
really do the job?
- Well it sure ought to beat
the one you're using now.
- One more time.
- I'm Jackie Suzanne.
I'm here on Laugh In.
That's Laugh, L-A-U-G-H.
See, I can spell
a five-letter word.
- Well, you and Howdy had
a fabulous career in television
in the '50's and now you
made a great comeback.
- Here you are on Laugh In.
- Well, that's okay.
I think we can
overcome this too.
- I may be old but
I'm not through yet.
I'm Sarah the Swinger
so place your bet.
(whistles)
- Now what in the world is that?
- These are the responses
from the mystery person contest.
- That many people wrote
in on that dumb contest?
- No, they're all
from one person.
- Well good, there must be
a winner in here somewhere.
- Wait a minute.
First, here's the
mystery person!
(crowd applauds)
- Okay (laughs)
we'll be right back
after a word from
one of our sponsors.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's no commercial here.
This letter is from Johnny
Carson's mother herself
and we'll finally put a stop
to this whole dumb business.
Read it.
- I certainly will.
- Let's have a little fanfare.
(fanfare plays)
- "Dear Son, my guess is
you are the Osmond brothers."
- That was close, very close.
Missed by only four.
- You'll pay for this, mom.
- Now wait a minute.
No clues tonight?
- No, let's not
make it too easy.
Folks, don't fail to catch
Johnny and Doc Severensen
in Las Vegas the next
time at the Sahara Hotel.
- No clues.
- No clue.
- You show me a man
with a million dollars
and I'll show him
anything he wants.
- This show gets a lot of
mail and one of the questions,
and incidentally we
appreciate getting the mail,
but one of the questions
that everyone keeps asking me
is whether or not the
fickle finger of fate...
Whether or not the
fickle finger of fate...
- Aren't you gonna ask me
why I'm wearing a barrel?
- Not in a million years.
- Okay then, I'll take it off.
- Whoa, wait wait wait.
Okay, why are you wearing
that stupid looking barrel?
- Because my good looking
barrel is in the cleaner's.
- Are you honestly
naked in there?
- Look for yourself.
- I don't wanna look for myself.
- You wanna look in here?
- No, I don't.
(laughs)
What is this all about?
- Well I've taken
my doctor's advice
and joined a nudist colony.
- Your physician thinks
it'll be good for your health?
- No, my optometrist thinks
it'll be good for my eyes.
- Has it helped?
- Not really, ever
since I've been here,
I've been seeing double.
- Is that right?
I've always wondered,
are you really a nudist?
Well what do you
do in a nudist colony?
- Well a lot of this.
- No but seriously...
- You don't get to
wear this, you know.
- Seriously though,
what do you do?
Like on the first day?
- Well, I spent
the whole first day
you know, just getting
acquainted with everybody.
- Getting acquainted, well,
what did you do the second day?
- Oh I rest up in the hospital
and write thank you notes.
- Hospital?
- You know, I get a lot of
presents, people send me.
- What, you spend the whole
second day in the hospital?
- I spent three
days in the hospital.
- It was that bad?
- No, it was that good.
- I don't want to
hear any more about
this dumb nudist colony.
- Does that mean you don't
want to hear about the accident?
- What accident?
- Well, there I was,
playing blind man's bluff.
- No, you're right, I don't
want to hear about it.
- How about the accident
with the revolving door?
- I don't want to
hear about that either.
- Then you sure don't
want to hear the one
about the washing machine.
- No, I sure don't.
I'll talk to you...
- I can show you scars that
would tear your heart out.
- I don't want to hear about it.
- Now, I would like...
- How about the electric fence?
I got these scars...
- I don't want to
hear about that either.
- One ringy dingy (snorts)
two ringy, oh gracious,
good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Is this who's who?
What's up? (snorts)
Mister Who, I'm
calling to ask you why.
Why what?
Well I'll tell you
why what, Who.
I've just finished reading
your latest addition
of Who's Who and I
failed to find the name of
Ernestine Tomlin there
and I want to know why.
Oh, because it wasn't
there (snorts) very funny.
Very funny indeed, have
you finished your little joke?
And I do mean little.
Why don't you tell
me what I can do
to get into your book.
Oh, something
significant, mm-hmm.
Well let me ask you a question.
Would you consider knocking
out Who's Who's phones
for about a month significant?
Good, good now that
we've got that settled.
Let's talk about what
kind of picture of me
we should put on the cover.
Hello? Hello?
(upbeat music)
(gasps)
- Howard?
Howard!
(bad big band music)
- Auditioning our mosaic of
mellifluous melodic medleys
and now imperfectly
tacit, the dulcet symphonic
syncopation for the
forthcoming flat note.
Folks, here come
the station break.
And nobody knows
the trouble they'll see
- Isn't it tough doing
a show where you
do nothing but talk to a dummy?
- You want to
answer that one, Dan?
- No thank you, Bob.
(yells)
- What a morning this has been.
Four fights, two knifings and an
assault with a deadly weapon.
Why I ever married that
woman, I'll never know.
- Let's see, one, two three,
that's six bottles of muscatel.
That'll be a buck 39.
Miss Lauder?
That'll be a buck 39.
- A little more to
the left, please.
No, the left.
You're not driving
after this party, are you?
Ow, that's it,
that's it, do it again.
Oh, you certainly know how
to show a pirate a good time.
- Here's Sarah the
Swinger on her chopper.
Get with it fastest,
no way to stop her.
(playful music)
(glass smashes)
We like to dance the flamenco
Truly the dance we adore
Cartoonists leading
And tell her time's ticking
As we stamp a hole in the floor
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love To
give you our views
Ladies and gents
Lovely looks at the news
Here's Dan and Ricardo, ole!
(applause)
- [Announcer] And now,
Laugh In brings you the news
from the four
corners of the globe
with Irving in Berlin,
Julie in London,
George in Washington,
Bob in Denver,
and Grover in Cleveland.
First, here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- In response to President
Nixon's recent announcement
he was going to visit red
China, Hubert Humphrey
today announced his
plans to visit red buttons.
Washington DC, government
officials today explained
why the pentagon wants
to monitor news programs
saying "we've got
to have some way
"to find out what's going on."
The Foonman Airlines
experiment with live entertainment
received a setback
today when Kate Smith,
Jackie Gleason, and
the entire King family
were booked on a Los
Angeles to New York flight.
When last sighted, the
plane was still taxiing
somewhere along the
Oklahoma Turnpike.
And now, here's Dan
with news of the future.
- And now the
news of the future.
Although it's now been 20
years since American troops
left Vietnam, several
problems still remain.
Confusion over
elections, economic crisis
and appeals for foreign aid.
Meanwhile, in Vietnam, things
aren't going too well either.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
The Hungarian
government has ended its
alignment with Moscow.
Today it gave up
the name Hungary
and became part of China.
However, an hour later,
it was Hungary again.
Well, anyway, a
news of the future.
New York City today was
declared the 51st state.
In ceremonies held in
the alley in front of city hall,
the new state flag was revealed.
It is a wheezing
pigeon over a field of
crossed switchblades,
surrounded by a garland
of uncollected garbage.
- Karen, I understand
you're also a modern dancer.
- That's right.
- Well, what's the main
thing modern dancers
should remember
before they perform?
- To put on their leotards.
- Hi, Busy Buzzy here with
the latest Hollywood news.
In conjunction with the
premier of the Godfather,
Marlon Brando, who
plays the mafia chieftain,
will be immortalized in cement.
Rumor has it the
event will take place
12 feet off the
Santa Monica pier.
Bye from Buzzy, kissy kissy.
- Lately a major public
concern has been
the issue of censorship.
For an analysis
of this situation,
come in Eric Clarified.
- Lately there's been a
lot of talk about censorship.
Well, it seems to me
that if you're going to have
censorship, you can't
have a lot of talk about it
because the talk
about censorship
is the very thing
that's being censored
unless the censorship is
censored enough to allow
censorship talk,
which couldn't happen,
but so far it's
just a lot of talk.
- And now, with
Kid News for Kids,
we take you to Lucy
Dryer in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Lucy here with
Kid News for Kids.
The teacher gave us
our report cards at school
Butchy Matthew flunked spelling.
He was afraid to
show it to his father
so he signed his father's
name on the report card
but he got caught.
He spelled his
father's name wrong.
Then Tommy O'Reilly
brought an apple for the teacher
but the apple had a worm in it
but the worm isn't
in the apple anymore.
It's in the teacher.
- And that's the way
it is, July 4th 1776.
Ladies and gents
Now we've looked
at the news (cheering)
- Oh boy, Jackie, I sure
would like to meet that
Robin Stone, he
hero of Love Machine.
- Oh but you don't
understand, Ruth.
To him, women were just a game.
- Oh, I do understand.
Just send me in, coach, I've
been on the bench long enough.
(terrible music)
- What's going on here?
What is this?
- Hi, it's just our
band rehearsal.
We're gonna be in
the Modern Review.
- I have brought the
music for the band.
- The what?
- I have the music here, sir.
- What?
- The music, sir!
- Can you hold it down a little?
- Right then sir.
- No, I didn't mean you.
- Oh, no worries
sir, I shall get it.
- Hold it, you've
got it all hung up.
- Oh dear.
- I'll get him up.
- Well now look what
you've done, Hawkins.
Hawkins, get this
mess out of here.
- I will, sir, I'm terribly
sorry about that.
- Well he doesn't mean me!
- Howard!
(grunts)
(yells)
- [Radio] Calling Adam
12, calling Adam 12.
You are now Adam 13.
Happy birthday.
- How are you
today, Miss Wagner?
- Oh just fine...
- Is this all you're
buying today?
This creme rinse?
- That's right, hon.
- That's 79 cents.
- Gee, that's really a
nice dress you have on.
I sure would like
to have one like it.
- Well, let's see.
One dress, that'll be $14.95.
- Whiplash!
- Would you like a
pair of cowboy boots?
- That's cute too.
- That'll be $14.95,
it's an outfit you know.
- That necklace is
awfully cute, I like that.
- The necklace, let's see now.
Now this is a Sarah
Coventry necklace,
I had a home
demonstration party.
That'll be $1.35.
- Hey, Karen,
baby, do you think I
would fit into the
cast of Room 222?
- I don't think you'd
have any trouble
fitting into the cast.
Your problem would
be fitting into the room.
- You like this black brassiere?
- No.
- I could let you
have that for $2.95.
- Well, throw it in.
- It is a live-in
bra, let me tell you.
- Howdy, I bet your mom
and dad are real proud of you.
- Well, not really.
As a matter of
fact, they're a little
disappointed at
the way I turned out.
You see, they always
wanted me to be a coffee table.
- Just take it off the back way.
I always wear a spare bra.
That'll be $2.95.
- Remember, if you would
like an autographed picture
of a former president
of the United States,
send 25 cents to Woodrow Wilson.
For an additional 10 cents,
you will receive a
personalized message.
- Oh Kathy, do you
think that I would like
the hero of your book,
The Love Machine?
- Well, Lily, he used
women without remorse
and his moral code was brutal.
- Well, I'm not interested
in his moral code.
What was his area code?
- And now, America's
lovable lushes, the Swizzlers.
- Hey, why don't all
of us hop into my car
and ride over to my place?
- You don't have a car.
- Well then why don't
all of us hop into my car
and walk over to my place?
(laughs)
- Good idea!
- I think that just
goes to prove
that something
can be in good taste
without being funny.
- Do you think that
you two are so popular
after being retired
for 10 years?
- Yeah, you guys
ought to try it.
- What, retiring for 10 years?
- No, being popular.
- Howard?
(goofy kazoo music)
- [Radio] 1 Adam 12, 1 Adam 12,
there's a madman driving
down Hollywood Blvd
in a tank with two flamethrowers
and four machine
guns and he's hurling
hand grenades at the people.
What do you suggest?
- Try to make friends with him.
- Okay, that's $2.50,
that is a nice looking cake.
I'll put it in here real nice.
Be careful taking
this home, now.
Let's see now, one
watermelon, a dollar.
One head of lettuce.
(whip cracks) (yells)
- If you don't mind,
I would like a word
with the social director.
Your ad said summer
cruises and shuffleboard.
- Howard?
- Tonight we're gonna
take a look, folks,
at the world of music.
- Hey, I saw that.
The World of Music,
with Patty Andrews.
- No, you saw the Sound
of Music with Julie Andrews.
- No, I saw the Sound of
Music with Bernice Foonman.
We were up on the balcony.
Talk about wild
love scenes. (hoots)
- What are you talking about?
I saw the Sound
of Music three times
and I don't remember
any wild love scene.
- Well, you should
have gone with Bernice.
- You just really don't
appreciate fine music, do you?
Don't you realize that
music is not only an art,
a creative art, but
it's also mathematics.
It's based on a
mathematical progression.
- Oh yeah, well how
come Albert Einstein
never had one hit record?
Huh, answer that!
- Now just, I'm going to,
if you just pay attention
you might learn something.
Now, do you know what
"eight to the bar" means?
- Yeah, it's four couples
having a party in a saloon.
- That has nothing
to do with music.
- Well yes it does, the
waiter plays accordion.
- Oh, that's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard
and I've heard some dumb things.
- Oh, don't tell him that.
His mother blew a
bundle on lessons.
- Well, I can see
you're... Lady of Spain
- Your knowledge of
music is very superficial.
- Oh yeah, well it ought to be.
For two years I've
been studying piano
at Miss Farnsworthy's
Academy of Music.
- Is that a fact, what
are you working on now?
- Mostly Miss Farnsworthy.
- Well, how are you
doing on the piano?
- Oh, terrific.
Even better on the
sofa and the bookcase.
- Oh I can't win.
I think we better
just rush right along
to the mod world of music.
- Good idea, I'll bring
Miss Farnsworthy.
She'll give you an
arpeggio you'll never forget.
- I don't want to.
The war is over and the
boys are coming home
Home to Oklahoma Tennessee
Where the cotton is high
As a hummingbird's thigh
That's where we
got to be Oklahoma
Tennessee
- At last, the boys are
home! (they squeal)
I did a little camping
and some trapping
And some trapping
until I got back home
To you (high pitched note)
I rode the desert
sands with several
Sleazy Arab men
until I got back home
To you
I joined the Royal
Mounties for a year
I never got my man
until I got back to you
I had a life of rambling
But I made a fortune gambling
Til I got back home to you
- Meanwhile,
back at the recital.
(bad opera singing)
(coughs)
- Hey man, our agent
will be here any minute.
We gotta finish this song.
- What have we got left to do?
- Just the words and the music.
- Then we got nothing!
- What do you
mean, we got the title.
- Yeah, what's it called?
- It's called "Dirt"
- "Dirt" man I
don't like that title.
Let's get another one.
- What, and start all over?
- It's finished!
- Well what is it?
- You dummy, it's a violin.
I just invented
it so all mankind
will have beautiful
music forever.
- Oh, play maestro, play!
- Hey Mr. Lasko, some
of your clients are here.
The Sensations.
- Send them in.
- Okay fellas, come on in.
(they sing)
- Hold it, not at once,
just one of you talk.
Can we get our
loot from the last gig
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
- Okay, okay, I'll send
the check next week.
Next week we'll be out of town
Out of sight, out of sight
- Look, okay,
I'll take care of it.
But please leave,
you're driving me crazy.
Yeah, yeah, crazy man
Yeah, yeah, thank you
- Boy, I'd hate to have
to go through that again.
- Mr. L, the Extremes are here.
Come on in, girls
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
- No, no, oh no.
(audience applauds wildly)
My Momma done told me
When I was in knee pants
Get out of those knee
pants, you're over 45.
- I'm a very busy man,
kid, what do you got?
- Well, I got songs for
unpleasant occasions, sir.
You know, like when a
doctor has to break the news
to a patient,
Terminal Case Blues.
- He sings a song?
I know I yanked your spleen out
And it gave your spine a twist
But you're old and ugly anyway
And I doubt that
you'll be missed
Tra la - Oh, you're crazy.
- Well, maybe
you'll like this one.
It's called The
Merry Widow Stomp.
Today you lost your husband
And things don't look too bright
But wipe your tears
and think of this
You'll have more
room in bed tonight
Tra la.
- Get out of my office
before I call the cops.
- Wait, there's one more.
If you like being healthy
And you want to live real long
I know you'll see
things the way I do
And decide to publish my songs
Tra la - You got it.
Lets hear it again.
- And now, welcome
to the second half
of the Burbank Light
Opera Company.
The Mississippi River
maybe just another river
But if you keep running along
The Ominaca river
maybe really an appealer
But the Mississlipping along
A river ain't a river
It's a taker, it's a giver
It's the whole
excuse for this song
This one it may be dripping
But the mighty Mississippi
simply keeps on splashing
It keeps on crashing
Just keeps rolling along
The mighty Mississippi river
Truly running along
(audience applauds)
(sniffs)
(sneezes)
- Bring it on down here.
How are you today?
- Just terrific.
- One head of lettuce, 29 cents.
- Hey, there's a
bug in that lettuce.
- I'll just charge
you a dime extra.
That's 39 cents.
- Well can you wrap
the bug separately?
- Oh wait a minute, I rang
up 29 cents on produce.
I should have rung that
dime up on meat goods.
(whip cracks)
- Hey, just a minute.
All I did was steal
a loaf of bread.
- Yeah, but out of
the captain's stomach.
- Oh you're a regular Ed
Sullivan, you are, aren't you?
- Well, time to say
good night, Dick.
- Oh I can't, I have to
get home for the wrestling.
- Oh, gonna be wrestling
on television tonight?
- Yeah, and on the sofa
and on the coffee table.
Maybe behind the
book case, I don't know.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, the heavyweight
wrestling champion
of Burbank is coming
over, Felicia Foonman.
- The heavyweight wrestling
champ is coming to your house.
Now how did you
meet a lady wrestler?
- Well, it was
kinda by accident.
You see, I walked
up to her at a party
and asked for a match.
Next thing I knew, I was flat
on the floor in a hammer lock.
- You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
- Not really, she only beat
me two falls out of three.
- Say good night, Dick.
- I beat her mother
three straight.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Do you know if you can tell
if there's a lion in your house?
- How do you tell that, Ruthie?
- If you hear footsteps
and your dog doesn't bark.
- You see your
shadow, groundhog?
- No, I didn't even
see the card either.
Because I don't have it.
What do you, how
do you train a lion?
- I don't know.
- With real thick newspaper.
- I know a lion who's
a nut for health foods.
Eats nothing but vegetarians.
- Lily?
- Yes?
- What do you call a
lion that gives massages?
- I don't know.
- Paws that refresh.
- Johnny.
- Yeah, babe.
- Do lions make
clean house pets?
- Not really, have you
ever seen Tarzan's lawn?
- What do lions hang on, Ruth?
(babbles mockingly)
What do lions hang on their
door on their honeymoon?
- What?
- A sign that says
"the lion is busy."
- When a lion has a party,
whom does he invite?
- [Together] Anyone he wants to.
- I woke up this morning
with a little problem.
There were three
men in my bedroom.
The problem is, what
happened to the other five?
Think about it.
(kazoo music)
- This program was pre-recorded.
Pre-recorded.
Pre-recorded.
- Howard!
(terrible music)
- National Safety Council
commercial, take one.
(whip cracks)
- Does this mean
the engagement's off?
- [Pilot] Flight 789,
I've only got enough gas
for another five minutes,
- [Different Pilot] Flight 12,
we've got to land immediately.
- Okay fellas, I've got one
opening on runway number eight.
I'm gonna start the
bidding at 500 smackers.
500, 500, do I hear six?
(laughs)
- I like my men tall,
dark, and handy.
- Thank you, doctor.
You made me feel like a new man.
- Next!
- Here you go.
- Waitress, I
ordered a dry martini.
- Right, a dry martini.
You got it. (cackles)
- Things are gonna
start getting big.
Sarah the swinger
is making the scene.
Hey look, no hands!
- Howdy smoke?
- I don't know, I
never tried to light him.
- Miss Susan, baby, why do
you write so much about sex?
- Well, I write about
living, and sex is living.
- Right on, baby.
- Oh hello friends.
This is Chaplain Budd Homley
with a message for today.
Let him who is
without sin among you
cast the first stone.
- [Radio] 1 Adam 12, 1 Adam 12.
- This is 1 Adam 12, go ahead.
- [Radio] Raquel
Welsh is being molested
at the corner of 5th and Main.
Please proceed to that
location and lend assistance.
- What do you think?
- All right with me,
but who do we help?
- Florence Welch and
her all-girl orchestra.
(jazz music plays quite poorly)
(humming)
Can't you see how
happy we will be
(terrible saxophone solo)
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
we're certainly delighted
tonight to introduce
our guest star.
You know her as
a school teacher.
- Yeah, she's got a lot of
principles and a lot of class.
- Surely yes.
We've all fallen
in love with her.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
miss Karen Valentine.
(audience applauds)
- Oh surprise surprise.
- Hawkins, Hawkins,
what are you doing?
- Well, miss, I was,
I thought that maybe
Miss Valentine would care
to indulge in a cup of tea.
- Well, that's very sweet.
Um, who is this?
- Hawkins the butler.
- Hawkins the butler.
- Hawkins the butler, right,
I shall get him for you fellows.
- Wait a minute.
You're Hawkins the
butler, you ding dong.
- Oh, thank you miss,
you saved me a trip.
Excuse me, would
you care for a drop?
- Yes, please.
- Right, sugar I suppose?
(audience laughs)
- Yes.
- Say when.
- When!
- Oh, pardonne moi.
A little cream, my dear?
- Yes.
- Oh I've got a bit of
dizzy spell coming on.
- Oh no.
- Oh dear, oh dear.
(audience laughs)
- Well now look
what you've done.
You spilled the
cream all over the floor!
- Oh, gentlemen,
don't worry on it.
I happen to be prepared
for that little mishap.
Here you are, you little.
He did 15 laps in the
kitchen before I came here.
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Blood Bank
and Brewery, NBC, the
Never Been Censored network
works its net over Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
Starring the aesthetic Dan Rowan
and that anesthetic Dick Martin
with special guest
star Karen Valentine
and Ruth Buzzi
Alan Sues
and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen Johnny Brown
Ann Elders
Barbara Sharma
and the new kid, Richard Dawson
and Larry Hovis
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this advice for those
troubled with loose dentures,
keep a stiff upper lip.
But first, this commercial.
- Tell me madam, does your
deodorant really do the job?
- Well to tell you the
truth, no it doesn't actually.
- Well in that case,
would you mind
standing back just a little?
(grunts)
- Ya know, I can't
think of a better
partner to have than you.
- Aw, I'm glad
you feel that way.
- What do you mean?
- Well because I can't
find the keys to these cuffs.
- How do you tell
if a tomato's ripe?
- Well you can if it's soft.
- Well is this one ripe?
- Well, let's see.
This this is just fine.
(yells)
- Ow, be careful,
that's my sunburn.
- This one's good too.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
there are two things
you should never
do in show business.
And here they are now,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Oh you're too kind.
That's enough,
hold back, thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's enough of that.
- We've gotta work in front of a
Johnny Carson
audience every day.
- Oh, that's right.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for that
wonderful round.
- I must tell you
that I just made it.
I had to go to the library.
- Oh you dropping off a book?
- No, picking up a librarian.
(audience laughs)
- I should have
known you wouldn't be
involved in literary pursuits.
- Yeah, what do you
call chasing a librarian?
- A waste of time.
- Not if you ever caught one.
(laughs)
- Tell me the truth.
Have you ever
actually read a book?
- Do you serious?
- Certainly.
- Well I've read almost
every book in the library.
- Every book in the library?
- Indeed, I consider
myself a literary authority.
- You do consider yourself,
have you ever read
any Shakespeare?
- Read him, (laughs)
I've even translated
some of his works into English.
- Translated, Shakespeare
is already in English.
- You call "what
light through yonder
"window breakth" English?
- How would you translate it?
- Everybody up, sun's out.
(audience laughs)
See, that people understand.
- That's beautiful.
It just kinda rolls along.
You really don't know
anything about literature.
I bet you can't even tell
me who wrote Julius Caesar.
- Well, he got a couple of
hot letters from Cleopatra.
And the bard, it was a mistake.
- Okay, maybe the older
stuff you're not familiar with.
How about something a
little more contemporary?
Do you know anything
about Rosemary's Baby?
- I know one thing, I
had nothing to do with it.
(audience laughs)
No sir, we had one drink.
- It has become apparent to me,
I'm going about this
the wrong way, Charlie.
Let me ask you this, do
you have a favorite story?
- Well yes, there's these
three Irishmen in the bar...
- No no, not that kind of story.
- Oh, how'd you like to
hear one I wrote myself?
- Oh I'd love to,
what's it called?
- I call it Moby Dick.
- Moby Dick? It's a classic!
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Would you like to read one
of my more recent works?
- One your more,
what exactly is that?
- Well it's sort of
a little Hemingway.
- What's a little Hemingway?
- Well about a pound and a half.
(laughs)
Some of them
get real big though.
- I'm sure they do.
Well I don't have time to
read your little Hemingway
or anything else, it's
time to go to the quickies.
- Yeah, well we can
read it on the way.
It's written on the
wall of the locker room.
- We don't have time.
- It's right next
to the (laughs)
- I don't want to hear it.
- There once was
a man named Dave.
- Come on, I don't
want to hear it.
- Now this is a
really good tomato.
(playful music)
(dishes smash)
- That'll be 46
dollars and 11 cents.
- Ug.
- Ug ug.
- Don't change subject.
- Okay, I need three volunteers.
- Are you Jacqueline Suzanne?
- Yes, I am.
- I didn't recognize you without
your plain brown wrapper.
- Statistics prove the
population is increasing
at a dangerous rate,
according to the government.
The solution is simple.
The next time you have
a baby, don't tell them.
- You know you're gonna
love Foonman's Nudist Camp.
I mean, the food is
delicious, there's a lovely pool,
beautiful weather,
fresh air, sunshine,
this place is
absolutely perfect.
Except for the porcupines!
- Are you ready,
honorable Jun Lai?
- Most ready, honorable
President Nixon.
- Okay, double or
nothing for Cambodia.
- Waitress?
- Waitress, what do you want?
- There's a fly in my soup.
- Oh yeah, got it
for you. (laughs)
- Oh Sister Flossy,
one of my students
came to class today
wearing a pink
see-through blouse
and violet velvet hot pants.
- (clucks tongue) How awful.
- Oh heavens, what did you do?
- I sent him home.
- Arthur, can you shoe my horse?
- You bet.
Shoo, horsie, shoo!
- Oh darling.
- Oh sweetheart, I've
missed you so much.
- Oh I miss you
too, it's terrible.
- Oh I love you.
- I love you too.
- Oh kiss me.
- Here's a hundred dollars.
I want the homeliest
girl in the place.
- A hundred dollars?
For that, you can have the
most beautiful girl we have.
- I know, but I'm homesick.
- Hey, take over for me,
I'm going on a coffee break.
- Well, got the 24-hour flu.
- Can you cure it?
- I think so.
- Well hurry up, I
haven't got all day.
- Can I help you, sir?
- No thanks, just looking.
- Oh, what a man, Howard Hughes.
Oh wouldn't I just love
being married to him.
Oh, Howard Hughes.
(snores)
I'm going to bed, Howard.
Howard?
Howard!
Howard?
- Some day, the church
may allow the clergy to marry.
Laugh In wonders how
a girl's family will react
on learning that her
intended is a priest.
- Daddy, I have wonderful news.
Roger and I want to get married.
- Who's Roger?
- A boy I met at church.
- Oh, good, at
least he's religious.
- Oh and he's a conservative
dresser and very humble.
- You know, getting
married means making
a lot of sacrifices, Karen.
- Oh, you should see the
three he's made already.
(doorbell rings)
Oh that must be Roger now.
Come in.
Father, meet Father.
- My son.
- You want to marry a priest?
- Oh yes, he's the
answer to all my prayers.
- A job like that doesn't
pay much, does it?
- Well don't forget, he
doesn't spend much on clothes.
- Yes, there are
other advantages too.
The hours are great and
I work only on Sundays.
- Well, what about security?
- Oh no worry there, our
organization is second
only to General Motors.
- Well, you have my blessing.
- Thank you, you
drop around Sunday
and I'll return
the favor. (laughs)
- You know, being in love means
never having to say I'm sorry.
- You're standing on my foot.
- I'm sorry.
- Marriage means always
having to say you're sorry.
- Draft dodging means never
having to say you're sorry, Sir.
- Good grammar means
never having to say you is sorry.
- ESP means never
having to say anything.
- Being a rabbi means
never having to say mass.
- Good dentures means
never having to say you're
(coughs and squeaks) sorry.
- Being married over 50
years means never having to
and that is tasteful.
That is not tasteful.
Barbarian.
- Well, I'm sure you'll
enjoy the swinging life here
at the South Jay
Club, Ms. Sugarman.
- Thank you. (giggles)
(engine roars)
- Yay, break out the
beer and pour it in your ear
Sarah the swinger
is finally here.
- Who are you
looking for, madam?
- Anybody, just get me a
room and fill it up with people.
Hey sonny, how would you
like to age 15 years tonight?
- I'm sorry madam, I don't think
you understand the situation.
We only rent to single swingers.
- Just what I'm looking for.
I'm single and
I'm ready to swing.
Where do I sign?
- Wouldn't you rather be
with people your own age?
- What do I look like, a doctor?
You get an old man excited
and what have you got?
A dead body, who needs it?
- You sure you can
afford our prices here?
- Are you putting me on?
Listen, I've got a
Ferrari, a 50-foot yacht
and 300 thou in the bank.
- Wow, what do
you do for a living?
- I'm a professional
beneficiary.
You know, I've gone
through number six
and I'm looking for seven.
You know something?
- What?
- You remind me
of my third husband.
I was 24 when I married him.
He died on our honeymoon.
- Sorry to hear that,
what'd he die of?
- Old age.
Hey, sonny, you want to do
your good deed for the day?
Take an old lady
up to your room?
- Madam, what could
you possibly have
to attract a young man?
- Experience,
over 50 years of it.
You do something
for 50 years and
you're bound to get all the
bugs out, you know what I mean?
- Well, I'm afraid you'd
find the pace here at
the South Jay Club
a little too tiring.
- Are you putting me on?
Listen, I could wear
you out just reminiscing.
- I'm sorry, I really feel you'd
be happy some place else.
- What kind of place is this?
A young republican's club?
You know something,
I'm going right back home.
At least there's a
little excitement there.
- Where do you live now?
- The Rams locker room.
- Howard!
Howard!
- Come on Dick, it's
time to go to the party.
- Hold it, here comes Hawkins.
- Oh boy.
What is it now, Hawkins?
- Well sir, it is a
matter of money, sir.
- What do you mean money?
- Well sir, I've been
kept very busy here, sir
helping the young lady
with their wardrobes,
carry them into their
costumes, drawing their baths.
- I think $20 ought
to be right, huh?
- Sounds fair.
- Right sir, I shall
give you 10 now,
and 10 when my ship comes in.
- We're late for the party.
- Oh, there are so many
mobile homes on the road
these days that
breaking and entering
has become a moving violation.
- I just read in the
paper about one of those
swinging couples
that got a divorce.
- Oh yeah, on what grounds?
- She charged him with fidelity.
(laughs)
- I never will forget time
when my people ran free,
swam in river, chase
squirrels through trees,
danced all night and
smoked peace pipe.
- Oh yes, many years
ago on the reservation.
- No, last week
at rock festival.
(yells)
- Take your hands off me!
Good evening, constable.
The master says there's
gonna be some serious
problems if women
become priests.
Whatever you say in confession
will be all over
town the next day.
- Hey, would you pose
in the nude for a portrait?
- Um, yeah.
- Good, here's a
portrait of my uncle.
Get your gear off.
- (laughs) You know, toots,
you got a face that would
launch a thousand ships.
- You mean I look
like Helen of Troy?
- No, Aristotle
Onassis. (laughs)
- Ah, Senator, there's
a lot of talk about
campaign funds being
used to influence politicians.
- Nonsense, my campaign
financing's very businesslike.
And whatever
business likes, I like.
- A guy from the
vice court came by the
corner yesterday and
took a picture of me.
Frankly, it didn't do me justice
and neither did the cop.
- John, what are
the most prominent
black organizations
in America today?
- I would say the NAACP,
the Urban League,
and the National
Basketball Association.
- Tell me, do you plan
on having a large family?
- Well no, we
like all of our kids
to be about the
same size as we are.
- I hear the government's
looking into truth in advertising.
Great idea, now if we
could only get someone
to look into truth
in government.
- A few weeks ago, I almost
got some great pictures
of Frank Sinatra's
farewell performance
but at the last minute,
he pulled the shade down.
But I could still
hear him singing.
- I think medical costs
are just getting out of hand.
You know, I heard they
just opened a new hospital
called Out Lady of
Perpetual Payments.
- 345 (whip cracks) (yells)
346 (whip cracks) (yells)
347 (whip cracks) (yells)
- 13, 14, 15
- 16 (whip cracks) (yells)
17 (whip cracks) (yells)
(small bell dings)
- Did you miss that six?
- Oh yeah, six, seven, eight
hey, you're next.
- Oh he dropped one.
- What are you doing?
- Oh you just parked
next to a hydrant.
I'm giving you a ticket.
- Can it be my turn?
- Next.
- Okay, I'll be here.
(whip cracks)
- Where was I?
- I don't know, but
advance for a loan, carry on.
- Hi, does this mouthwash
really do the job?
- Well it sure ought to beat
the one you're using now.
- One more time.
- I'm Jackie Suzanne.
I'm here on Laugh In.
That's Laugh, L-A-U-G-H.
See, I can spell
a five-letter word.
- Well, you and Howdy had
a fabulous career in television
in the '50's and now you
made a great comeback.
- Here you are on Laugh In.
- Well, that's okay.
I think we can
overcome this too.
- I may be old but
I'm not through yet.
I'm Sarah the Swinger
so place your bet.
(whistles)
- Now what in the world is that?
- These are the responses
from the mystery person contest.
- That many people wrote
in on that dumb contest?
- No, they're all
from one person.
- Well good, there must be
a winner in here somewhere.
- Wait a minute.
First, here's the
mystery person!
(crowd applauds)
- Okay (laughs)
we'll be right back
after a word from
one of our sponsors.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's no commercial here.
This letter is from Johnny
Carson's mother herself
and we'll finally put a stop
to this whole dumb business.
Read it.
- I certainly will.
- Let's have a little fanfare.
(fanfare plays)
- "Dear Son, my guess is
you are the Osmond brothers."
- That was close, very close.
Missed by only four.
- You'll pay for this, mom.
- Now wait a minute.
No clues tonight?
- No, let's not
make it too easy.
Folks, don't fail to catch
Johnny and Doc Severensen
in Las Vegas the next
time at the Sahara Hotel.
- No clues.
- No clue.
- You show me a man
with a million dollars
and I'll show him
anything he wants.
- This show gets a lot of
mail and one of the questions,
and incidentally we
appreciate getting the mail,
but one of the questions
that everyone keeps asking me
is whether or not the
fickle finger of fate...
Whether or not the
fickle finger of fate...
- Aren't you gonna ask me
why I'm wearing a barrel?
- Not in a million years.
- Okay then, I'll take it off.
- Whoa, wait wait wait.
Okay, why are you wearing
that stupid looking barrel?
- Because my good looking
barrel is in the cleaner's.
- Are you honestly
naked in there?
- Look for yourself.
- I don't wanna look for myself.
- You wanna look in here?
- No, I don't.
(laughs)
What is this all about?
- Well I've taken
my doctor's advice
and joined a nudist colony.
- Your physician thinks
it'll be good for your health?
- No, my optometrist thinks
it'll be good for my eyes.
- Has it helped?
- Not really, ever
since I've been here,
I've been seeing double.
- Is that right?
I've always wondered,
are you really a nudist?
Well what do you
do in a nudist colony?
- Well a lot of this.
- No but seriously...
- You don't get to
wear this, you know.
- Seriously though,
what do you do?
Like on the first day?
- Well, I spent
the whole first day
you know, just getting
acquainted with everybody.
- Getting acquainted, well,
what did you do the second day?
- Oh I rest up in the hospital
and write thank you notes.
- Hospital?
- You know, I get a lot of
presents, people send me.
- What, you spend the whole
second day in the hospital?
- I spent three
days in the hospital.
- It was that bad?
- No, it was that good.
- I don't want to
hear any more about
this dumb nudist colony.
- Does that mean you don't
want to hear about the accident?
- What accident?
- Well, there I was,
playing blind man's bluff.
- No, you're right, I don't
want to hear about it.
- How about the accident
with the revolving door?
- I don't want to
hear about that either.
- Then you sure don't
want to hear the one
about the washing machine.
- No, I sure don't.
I'll talk to you...
- I can show you scars that
would tear your heart out.
- I don't want to hear about it.
- Now, I would like...
- How about the electric fence?
I got these scars...
- I don't want to
hear about that either.
- One ringy dingy (snorts)
two ringy, oh gracious,
good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Is this who's who?
What's up? (snorts)
Mister Who, I'm
calling to ask you why.
Why what?
Well I'll tell you
why what, Who.
I've just finished reading
your latest addition
of Who's Who and I
failed to find the name of
Ernestine Tomlin there
and I want to know why.
Oh, because it wasn't
there (snorts) very funny.
Very funny indeed, have
you finished your little joke?
And I do mean little.
Why don't you tell
me what I can do
to get into your book.
Oh, something
significant, mm-hmm.
Well let me ask you a question.
Would you consider knocking
out Who's Who's phones
for about a month significant?
Good, good now that
we've got that settled.
Let's talk about what
kind of picture of me
we should put on the cover.
Hello? Hello?
(upbeat music)
(gasps)
- Howard?
Howard!
(bad big band music)
- Auditioning our mosaic of
mellifluous melodic medleys
and now imperfectly
tacit, the dulcet symphonic
syncopation for the
forthcoming flat note.
Folks, here come
the station break.
And nobody knows
the trouble they'll see
- Isn't it tough doing
a show where you
do nothing but talk to a dummy?
- You want to
answer that one, Dan?
- No thank you, Bob.
(yells)
- What a morning this has been.
Four fights, two knifings and an
assault with a deadly weapon.
Why I ever married that
woman, I'll never know.
- Let's see, one, two three,
that's six bottles of muscatel.
That'll be a buck 39.
Miss Lauder?
That'll be a buck 39.
- A little more to
the left, please.
No, the left.
You're not driving
after this party, are you?
Ow, that's it,
that's it, do it again.
Oh, you certainly know how
to show a pirate a good time.
- Here's Sarah the
Swinger on her chopper.
Get with it fastest,
no way to stop her.
(playful music)
(glass smashes)
We like to dance the flamenco
Truly the dance we adore
Cartoonists leading
And tell her time's ticking
As we stamp a hole in the floor
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love To
give you our views
Ladies and gents
Lovely looks at the news
Here's Dan and Ricardo, ole!
(applause)
- [Announcer] And now,
Laugh In brings you the news
from the four
corners of the globe
with Irving in Berlin,
Julie in London,
George in Washington,
Bob in Denver,
and Grover in Cleveland.
First, here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- In response to President
Nixon's recent announcement
he was going to visit red
China, Hubert Humphrey
today announced his
plans to visit red buttons.
Washington DC, government
officials today explained
why the pentagon wants
to monitor news programs
saying "we've got
to have some way
"to find out what's going on."
The Foonman Airlines
experiment with live entertainment
received a setback
today when Kate Smith,
Jackie Gleason, and
the entire King family
were booked on a Los
Angeles to New York flight.
When last sighted, the
plane was still taxiing
somewhere along the
Oklahoma Turnpike.
And now, here's Dan
with news of the future.
- And now the
news of the future.
Although it's now been 20
years since American troops
left Vietnam, several
problems still remain.
Confusion over
elections, economic crisis
and appeals for foreign aid.
Meanwhile, in Vietnam, things
aren't going too well either.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
The Hungarian
government has ended its
alignment with Moscow.
Today it gave up
the name Hungary
and became part of China.
However, an hour later,
it was Hungary again.
Well, anyway, a
news of the future.
New York City today was
declared the 51st state.
In ceremonies held in
the alley in front of city hall,
the new state flag was revealed.
It is a wheezing
pigeon over a field of
crossed switchblades,
surrounded by a garland
of uncollected garbage.
- Karen, I understand
you're also a modern dancer.
- That's right.
- Well, what's the main
thing modern dancers
should remember
before they perform?
- To put on their leotards.
- Hi, Busy Buzzy here with
the latest Hollywood news.
In conjunction with the
premier of the Godfather,
Marlon Brando, who
plays the mafia chieftain,
will be immortalized in cement.
Rumor has it the
event will take place
12 feet off the
Santa Monica pier.
Bye from Buzzy, kissy kissy.
- Lately a major public
concern has been
the issue of censorship.
For an analysis
of this situation,
come in Eric Clarified.
- Lately there's been a
lot of talk about censorship.
Well, it seems to me
that if you're going to have
censorship, you can't
have a lot of talk about it
because the talk
about censorship
is the very thing
that's being censored
unless the censorship is
censored enough to allow
censorship talk,
which couldn't happen,
but so far it's
just a lot of talk.
- And now, with
Kid News for Kids,
we take you to Lucy
Dryer in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Lucy here with
Kid News for Kids.
The teacher gave us
our report cards at school
Butchy Matthew flunked spelling.
He was afraid to
show it to his father
so he signed his father's
name on the report card
but he got caught.
He spelled his
father's name wrong.
Then Tommy O'Reilly
brought an apple for the teacher
but the apple had a worm in it
but the worm isn't
in the apple anymore.
It's in the teacher.
- And that's the way
it is, July 4th 1776.
Ladies and gents
Now we've looked
at the news (cheering)
- Oh boy, Jackie, I sure
would like to meet that
Robin Stone, he
hero of Love Machine.
- Oh but you don't
understand, Ruth.
To him, women were just a game.
- Oh, I do understand.
Just send me in, coach, I've
been on the bench long enough.
(terrible music)
- What's going on here?
What is this?
- Hi, it's just our
band rehearsal.
We're gonna be in
the Modern Review.
- I have brought the
music for the band.
- The what?
- I have the music here, sir.
- What?
- The music, sir!
- Can you hold it down a little?
- Right then sir.
- No, I didn't mean you.
- Oh, no worries
sir, I shall get it.
- Hold it, you've
got it all hung up.
- Oh dear.
- I'll get him up.
- Well now look what
you've done, Hawkins.
Hawkins, get this
mess out of here.
- I will, sir, I'm terribly
sorry about that.
- Well he doesn't mean me!
- Howard!
(grunts)
(yells)
- [Radio] Calling Adam
12, calling Adam 12.
You are now Adam 13.
Happy birthday.
- How are you
today, Miss Wagner?
- Oh just fine...
- Is this all you're
buying today?
This creme rinse?
- That's right, hon.
- That's 79 cents.
- Gee, that's really a
nice dress you have on.
I sure would like
to have one like it.
- Well, let's see.
One dress, that'll be $14.95.
- Whiplash!
- Would you like a
pair of cowboy boots?
- That's cute too.
- That'll be $14.95,
it's an outfit you know.
- That necklace is
awfully cute, I like that.
- The necklace, let's see now.
Now this is a Sarah
Coventry necklace,
I had a home
demonstration party.
That'll be $1.35.
- Hey, Karen,
baby, do you think I
would fit into the
cast of Room 222?
- I don't think you'd
have any trouble
fitting into the cast.
Your problem would
be fitting into the room.
- You like this black brassiere?
- No.
- I could let you
have that for $2.95.
- Well, throw it in.
- It is a live-in
bra, let me tell you.
- Howdy, I bet your mom
and dad are real proud of you.
- Well, not really.
As a matter of
fact, they're a little
disappointed at
the way I turned out.
You see, they always
wanted me to be a coffee table.
- Just take it off the back way.
I always wear a spare bra.
That'll be $2.95.
- Remember, if you would
like an autographed picture
of a former president
of the United States,
send 25 cents to Woodrow Wilson.
For an additional 10 cents,
you will receive a
personalized message.
- Oh Kathy, do you
think that I would like
the hero of your book,
The Love Machine?
- Well, Lily, he used
women without remorse
and his moral code was brutal.
- Well, I'm not interested
in his moral code.
What was his area code?
- And now, America's
lovable lushes, the Swizzlers.
- Hey, why don't all
of us hop into my car
and ride over to my place?
- You don't have a car.
- Well then why don't
all of us hop into my car
and walk over to my place?
(laughs)
- Good idea!
- I think that just
goes to prove
that something
can be in good taste
without being funny.
- Do you think that
you two are so popular
after being retired
for 10 years?
- Yeah, you guys
ought to try it.
- What, retiring for 10 years?
- No, being popular.
- Howard?
(goofy kazoo music)
- [Radio] 1 Adam 12, 1 Adam 12,
there's a madman driving
down Hollywood Blvd
in a tank with two flamethrowers
and four machine
guns and he's hurling
hand grenades at the people.
What do you suggest?
- Try to make friends with him.
- Okay, that's $2.50,
that is a nice looking cake.
I'll put it in here real nice.
Be careful taking
this home, now.
Let's see now, one
watermelon, a dollar.
One head of lettuce.
(whip cracks) (yells)
- If you don't mind,
I would like a word
with the social director.
Your ad said summer
cruises and shuffleboard.
- Howard?
- Tonight we're gonna
take a look, folks,
at the world of music.
- Hey, I saw that.
The World of Music,
with Patty Andrews.
- No, you saw the Sound
of Music with Julie Andrews.
- No, I saw the Sound of
Music with Bernice Foonman.
We were up on the balcony.
Talk about wild
love scenes. (hoots)
- What are you talking about?
I saw the Sound
of Music three times
and I don't remember
any wild love scene.
- Well, you should
have gone with Bernice.
- You just really don't
appreciate fine music, do you?
Don't you realize that
music is not only an art,
a creative art, but
it's also mathematics.
It's based on a
mathematical progression.
- Oh yeah, well how
come Albert Einstein
never had one hit record?
Huh, answer that!
- Now just, I'm going to,
if you just pay attention
you might learn something.
Now, do you know what
"eight to the bar" means?
- Yeah, it's four couples
having a party in a saloon.
- That has nothing
to do with music.
- Well yes it does, the
waiter plays accordion.
- Oh, that's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard
and I've heard some dumb things.
- Oh, don't tell him that.
His mother blew a
bundle on lessons.
- Well, I can see
you're... Lady of Spain
- Your knowledge of
music is very superficial.
- Oh yeah, well it ought to be.
For two years I've
been studying piano
at Miss Farnsworthy's
Academy of Music.
- Is that a fact, what
are you working on now?
- Mostly Miss Farnsworthy.
- Well, how are you
doing on the piano?
- Oh, terrific.
Even better on the
sofa and the bookcase.
- Oh I can't win.
I think we better
just rush right along
to the mod world of music.
- Good idea, I'll bring
Miss Farnsworthy.
She'll give you an
arpeggio you'll never forget.
- I don't want to.
The war is over and the
boys are coming home
Home to Oklahoma Tennessee
Where the cotton is high
As a hummingbird's thigh
That's where we
got to be Oklahoma
Tennessee
- At last, the boys are
home! (they squeal)
I did a little camping
and some trapping
And some trapping
until I got back home
To you (high pitched note)
I rode the desert
sands with several
Sleazy Arab men
until I got back home
To you
I joined the Royal
Mounties for a year
I never got my man
until I got back to you
I had a life of rambling
But I made a fortune gambling
Til I got back home to you
- Meanwhile,
back at the recital.
(bad opera singing)
(coughs)
- Hey man, our agent
will be here any minute.
We gotta finish this song.
- What have we got left to do?
- Just the words and the music.
- Then we got nothing!
- What do you
mean, we got the title.
- Yeah, what's it called?
- It's called "Dirt"
- "Dirt" man I
don't like that title.
Let's get another one.
- What, and start all over?
- It's finished!
- Well what is it?
- You dummy, it's a violin.
I just invented
it so all mankind
will have beautiful
music forever.
- Oh, play maestro, play!
- Hey Mr. Lasko, some
of your clients are here.
The Sensations.
- Send them in.
- Okay fellas, come on in.
(they sing)
- Hold it, not at once,
just one of you talk.
Can we get our
loot from the last gig
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
- Okay, okay, I'll send
the check next week.
Next week we'll be out of town
Out of sight, out of sight
- Look, okay,
I'll take care of it.
But please leave,
you're driving me crazy.
Yeah, yeah, crazy man
Yeah, yeah, thank you
- Boy, I'd hate to have
to go through that again.
- Mr. L, the Extremes are here.
Come on in, girls
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
- No, no, oh no.
(audience applauds wildly)
My Momma done told me
When I was in knee pants
Get out of those knee
pants, you're over 45.
- I'm a very busy man,
kid, what do you got?
- Well, I got songs for
unpleasant occasions, sir.
You know, like when a
doctor has to break the news
to a patient,
Terminal Case Blues.
- He sings a song?
I know I yanked your spleen out
And it gave your spine a twist
But you're old and ugly anyway
And I doubt that
you'll be missed
Tra la - Oh, you're crazy.
- Well, maybe
you'll like this one.
It's called The
Merry Widow Stomp.
Today you lost your husband
And things don't look too bright
But wipe your tears
and think of this
You'll have more
room in bed tonight
Tra la.
- Get out of my office
before I call the cops.
- Wait, there's one more.
If you like being healthy
And you want to live real long
I know you'll see
things the way I do
And decide to publish my songs
Tra la - You got it.
Lets hear it again.
- And now, welcome
to the second half
of the Burbank Light
Opera Company.
The Mississippi River
maybe just another river
But if you keep running along
The Ominaca river
maybe really an appealer
But the Mississlipping along
A river ain't a river
It's a taker, it's a giver
It's the whole
excuse for this song
This one it may be dripping
But the mighty Mississippi
simply keeps on splashing
It keeps on crashing
Just keeps rolling along
The mighty Mississippi river
Truly running along
(audience applauds)
(sniffs)
(sneezes)
- Bring it on down here.
How are you today?
- Just terrific.
- One head of lettuce, 29 cents.
- Hey, there's a
bug in that lettuce.
- I'll just charge
you a dime extra.
That's 39 cents.
- Well can you wrap
the bug separately?
- Oh wait a minute, I rang
up 29 cents on produce.
I should have rung that
dime up on meat goods.
(whip cracks)
- Hey, just a minute.
All I did was steal
a loaf of bread.
- Yeah, but out of
the captain's stomach.
- Oh you're a regular Ed
Sullivan, you are, aren't you?
- Well, time to say
good night, Dick.
- Oh I can't, I have to
get home for the wrestling.
- Oh, gonna be wrestling
on television tonight?
- Yeah, and on the sofa
and on the coffee table.
Maybe behind the
book case, I don't know.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, the heavyweight
wrestling champion
of Burbank is coming
over, Felicia Foonman.
- The heavyweight wrestling
champ is coming to your house.
Now how did you
meet a lady wrestler?
- Well, it was
kinda by accident.
You see, I walked
up to her at a party
and asked for a match.
Next thing I knew, I was flat
on the floor in a hammer lock.
- You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
- Not really, she only beat
me two falls out of three.
- Say good night, Dick.
- I beat her mother
three straight.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Do you know if you can tell
if there's a lion in your house?
- How do you tell that, Ruthie?
- If you hear footsteps
and your dog doesn't bark.
- You see your
shadow, groundhog?
- No, I didn't even
see the card either.
Because I don't have it.
What do you, how
do you train a lion?
- I don't know.
- With real thick newspaper.
- I know a lion who's
a nut for health foods.
Eats nothing but vegetarians.
- Lily?
- Yes?
- What do you call a
lion that gives massages?
- I don't know.
- Paws that refresh.
- Johnny.
- Yeah, babe.
- Do lions make
clean house pets?
- Not really, have you
ever seen Tarzan's lawn?
- What do lions hang on, Ruth?
(babbles mockingly)
What do lions hang on their
door on their honeymoon?
- What?
- A sign that says
"the lion is busy."
- When a lion has a party,
whom does he invite?
- [Together] Anyone he wants to.
- I woke up this morning
with a little problem.
There were three
men in my bedroom.
The problem is, what
happened to the other five?
Think about it.
(kazoo music)
- This program was pre-recorded.
Pre-recorded.
Pre-recorded.
- Howard!
(terrible music)