Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript
(melodramatic gasping)
- Oh Dr. Kiley,
I'm not feeling well.
Can you look at me?
(melodramatic gasping)
- I'm sorry Gladys, I'm
a general practitioner,
not a veterinarian.
- Hello, would you
please stamp this fragile?
(cartoon metal spring noise)
- You got it.
- These hamburgers don't
seem to be cooking very fast.
- Well maybe we'd
better cook 'em inside!
- Why?
- The house is on fire.
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I was
white when I went in.
(playing piano)
My momma done told
me She wasn't my momma
(phones ringing)
- Hello, Bill's stereo shop.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Doc, what's
the most amazing thing
you've ever seen Johnny
Carson do on the tonight show?
- Show up.
- At the studio, they
just put my last name
on my parking space.
Saint John.
And Charlton Heston
always parks there.
- People ask me why I
always carry my violin with me.
If I didn't have it,
I'd look pretty silly
bowing my arm.
- Is there a doctor
in the house?
- Waitress, your restroom
is absolutely filthy.
- But sir, you just
came out of the kitchen.
- Oh, well that's better.
(laughing maniacally)
(audience laughing)
(phone line ringing)
- [Woman on Phone]
Governor Carlton's office.
- Is the Governor in?
- [Woman on Phone]
I'm sorry, he's out now,
would you please
leave your number?
- Uh-huh, it's nine oh
three seven one four five
three two three
nine six one five.
But if I'm not there it's
nine oh three seven one four
five five two
three six one five.
- Dick and I are very
proud to introduce
our guest for tonight, the star
of countless motion pictures
such as Gilda, Sadie
Thompson, her latest film
is Road to Salina.
- Ladies and gentlemen
the glamorous and talented
love goddess of films,
Miss Rita Hayworth.
(audience clapping)
Wow.
- Miss Hayworth, our
show is your show.
- Is there anything
special you'd like to do?
- Well, gentlemen, one
thing I've always wanted to do
is to read poetry on television.
And you promised.
- You're right, I
did promise, Dan.
And I got the book
right here, Rita.
- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Rita Hayworth
will now read a poem
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
- Good, good, good.
(audience chuckling)
- Thank you.
Boy that Henry W.
Sure can write a poem.
(audience laughter)
- And now, NBC, the
Nation Bourbon Company,
after four seasons,
downs a fifth
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
With the celebrated Dan Rowan,
the inebriated Dick Martin,
and tonight's guest
star Miss Rita Hayworth.
And Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Ann Elder, Barbara Sharma
and the new kids Larry
Hovis and Richard Dawson.
And me, I'm Gary Owens.
Author of the book "What
You've Always Wanted to Know
"About Sex, But Have Been
Too Busy Making Love to Ask".
(trumpets sounding)
(toast crunching)
- It's jokes that make
Laugh In as good as it is,
and here are the
biggest jokes in television,
Dick and Dan.
No, don't soak me,
I didn't mean you're
the two biggest
jokes on television,
all i meant was,
all I meant was you're the
two biggest jokes on television.
(audience cheering)
- Thank you for that
applause, very nice.
Hey listen, lot of
stuff going on, huh?
What do you think
about the President's
forthcoming trip to China?
- Shh, now everybody'll
know about it.
- What are you talking about,
everybody already
knows about it.
- Of course they will,
you blabbed about it.
Never heard such a big mouth.
- It's no secret, it's
been announced
in the international press,
the President
announced it himself.
- Yeah, but he
happened to have told me
to keep quiet about it.
- He told you about his trip.
- Why not, I'm one of
his advisors, am I not?
- Now I suppose that
you're going to tell me
that you're an expert on
Sino-American relations.
- No, but I do know
a lot about China.
- Oh.
Now let me ask you a
question about Chinese history.
Who was the famous war
lord who conquered all of Asia?
- Sammy Khan.
- That was Genghis Khan,
Sammy Khan is a song writer.
- He had time to write
songs while conquering Asia?
- Wow, you're some
expert on China.
- Well why not, I happen
to be a devout student
of the ancient Chinese
philosopher, Egg-Fu Fungman
- Egg-Fu Fungman?
- The man who wrote
those inspiring proverbs
about life and lotus blossoms.
- That was Confucius.
- Funny, it seemed clear to me.
- I never heard of a philosopher
named Egg-Fu Fungman.
Well, he was also
famous for other things,
like he opened the
first Chinese bakery
and invented cookies.
- How'd he do?
- Made a fortune.
- He made a fortune on cookies?
What did he call them?
- Fig Newtons.
- Fig Newtons,
I'm sorry I asked.
- Of course Egg-Fu
was best known
for naming the Chinese sailboat.
- Egg-Fu named
the Chinese sailboat?
- Well it was accidental
really, you know.
What happened is he
was building a house
on the Yangtze out
of bamboo and canvas,
and slipped off the
bank off the river
right in to the water.
- Right into the river.
- So all the fisherman
gather around and said,
"Hey Fungman, get that
junk out of the water."
- This is the Anderson Watch
Company. A-M and P-M.
- I don't understand
the kids today,
just lying around the
house doing nothin'.
Why don't they go out and
get to the unemployment line
like everybody else?
- How come you're at a
party on your wedding night?
- Well Richard said he wanted me
to be sure to have a good time.
- Rita, isn't it amazing
that right at the
peak of his career
Frank Sinatra
has called it quits.
- No, he's not, he's just
not going to sing anymore.
- You Americans make
jokes about Tijuana,
but think how the
poor Canadians feel.
I mean how would you like to
have Detroit as a border town?
- Would you like to
come up to my place?
- You'll have to twist my arm.
- I'd love to, where is it?
- The movie industry is
in some financial trouble,
but I refuse to believe
they voted George C. Scott
best actor just to save
the cost of a statue.
- Hey Loola, do you think I
could make in in show business?
- Sure, as a female
impersonator.
- I hear J. Edgar Hoover
decided not to run for President.
He doesn't want to
take a cut in information.
- You know, I really would
like you to come up to my place.
- But Dick, try to
see things my way.
- I am, I am!
- Today, the white man uses
the pill to control population.
In the old days, they
used the cavalry charge,
you betchem!
- You know, Norman
Rockwell is painting
a true American portrait for
the Saturday Evening's Post.
It shows three guys
wearing bandages,
and one of them carrying a flag.
- Oh, the spirit of '76.
No, I mean the
convention of '68.
- You know I heard
that to a chemist,
the human body is
worth only 98 cents.
That's why I hang around
bars instead of laboratories.
- You know, I see where
the automobile industry
has just come up with the
ultimate in safety devices.
It does away completely
with Ralph Nader.
- Did you know that before 1951
you couldn't say the word
virgin in a motion picture?
In today's movies,
you can't even find one.
- You know, I really do wish
you'd come up to my place.
- But Dick, try to
understand my position.
- I'm trying, I'm trying!
(party music)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Surprise, surprise.
I thought you might be
thirsty, Miss Hayworth.
- Well that's Miss Hayworth.
- That's very sweet
of you, Hawkins.
- Hawkins?
- Yeah, he's a butler
I just hired for Rita.
- Well, Hawkins, unfortunately
you have forgotten the glasses.
- It's no problem sir, I can see
perfectly well without them.
- No, no Hawkins,
you didn't bring
any drinking glasses.
- Not only that Hawkins, but
you forgot to bring the water.
- Well, if you
ain't got the water,
you won't need the
glasses, will you?
Will you take that please, sir?
- Indian tell time by the moon.
Let's see John Cameron
Swayze strap that to a tractor.
- A pretty girl
is like a melody.
No good if it's flat.
- Hi boys and girls,
you know what time it is, huh?
(crowd shouting)
No, no, no, it's Uncle
Al time, remember?
- It's Uncle Al time
at Katie's pal time,
howdy, howdy, howdy,
and here's Uncle Al.
- Hi, kiddies!
Don't you ever
get off the floor?
- I'm gonna ring
this when soups on.
- Oh get outta here,
Twinkle. (laughs)
And how are all of little
Uncle Al's boys and girls?
(laughing)
- And today's Uncle
Al is going to show you
how to make a belt.
And Uncle Al could
use a belt right now.
And first, we're going
to take our string.
Ah.
- [Person in Crowd] You
look pretty strung out, Uncle Al.
- Emily, you're a bummer.
Okay, we take the string
and we get it looped like this.
Eh, you got that kiddies?
And then we, my
hands are shaking,
and then we string it like,
who gave me this game?
And then we string like this.
Oh I need a little medicine
here today. (laughs)
It doesn't seem to
be working, does it?
- [Crowd] No.
- Well that's right,
it isn't working,
and Uncle Al is gonna go
out and practice getting looped.
(timer ticking)
No, no, not the water!
Did Miss Twinkle think of this?
Where is she?
Ah!
- I'm Ada Zeedathed
and I'm five years old.
And today, in the yard, I ate
some mud and some leaves
and six clothespin
and some chalk.
And when I went in the house,
Momma gave me some medicine.
That medicine made me sick.
And that's the truth.
- A new phenomenon
that's catching on
all across the country
is the waterbed.
Here are some random
comments on the subject.
- I heard a Burbank
couple bought a waterbed
and two days later there was
a ring around the mattress.
- I understand they're making
a movie about two couples
in a waterbed called Bob
and Carol and Ted and Flipper.
- My waterbed's so small
the fish are humpback.
- I know a married couple
who have had a waterbed
for one year.
They just had a baby boy.
He was born seasick.
- Oh, waterbeds are nothing new.
I sleep in one 'til I
was two years old.
- You noticed when you
saw the shot of the band
that the guy playing the flute
certainly didn't
have his lip tonight,
but then that
doesn't, what's that?
- This is this week's mail for
the mystery person contest,
all of this, every bit of it.
- Oh no, not that again.
- Get out of here
before Dick sees it.
- And now, here's
the mystery person.
- There's gotta be
some way out of it.
- Ah, well I've gone
though the mail,
and I've got good news
for our mystery person.
- Good news, eh?
- Yes, out of the
millions of responses,
not one person in this whole
country knows who you are.
- That's the good news?
- Yes.
- Well, what's the bad news?
- I'll make a few
guesses myself.
- And that's the bad news.
- Are you Rosemary Clooney?
- No.
- Do you know Rosemary Clooney?
- Yes.
- Ah-ha, we've
narrowed it down to guy
who knows Rosemary Clooney.
- Well, I know Rosemary Clooney.
- Are you Dan Rowan?
- How can he be Dan
Rowan? I'm Dan Rowan.
- Well, that eliminates you.
There you are folks,
two new great big clues
and this week we add
two more great prizes.
A genuine raccoon
coat once worn both by
Rudy Valley and an
anonymous raccoon.
- Plus a diagram showing
all the electrical outlets
in Wayne Newton's bathroom.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute,
we gotta call this off.
- And so we shall,
tune in next week when
we will finally reveal
who the mystery person is.
Come on Johnny.
- I think the mystery guest is
one of those talk show hosts.
I'd say it's either
Merv Griffin or
Virginia Graham.
Tea?
Thank you.
Sugar?
One lump.
Cream?
Never.
I hate to sound haughty,
But Laugh In is naughty,
With trap doors
and water and such
I know what you mean dear,
That joke was obscene dear,
Those sparkles
don't help very much
- Oh, my dear.
As long as we're dishing,
I can't keep from wishing,
Dan Rowan were really more chic
As long we're startin'
I do think Dick Martin
Is the really the
leach of the week.
But we love 'em As
long as they're tasteful
Not wanton nor wasteful
As long as they're
charming and chaste
So what if they're naughty,
And just a bit bawdy,
As long as their
bawdy with taste.
- Cookie, cake?
- Buns.
I hate to be picky,
But time for a quickie,
Just doesn't seem tasteful to me
That new song is horrid
The party's too torrid,
And Burbank is hardly Paris.
Wee Sock it to me
Hayworth, please
I hate to sound fussy
But miss busy Buzzi
Is really a little bit crass
And dear Annie Elder,
That latter day Zelda
Is certainly lacking
in class - Disgusting.
Although she's a charmer
Petite Barbara Sharma
Is known to be racy and rude
I must throw this bomb in
That girl Lily Tomlin
At times is just
shocking and crude
- She's my favorite.
But we love 'em.
As long as they're tasteful,
Not wanton or wasteful
As long as the corset is laced
So what if they're wacky
And totty, and tacky
As long as long as
they're tacky with taste
- [In Unison] All together!
As long as it's tasteful
Not wanton or wasteful
As long as decorum's embraced
It's just like a stripper
Who's good with a zipper
You just have do it
Just keep grinding through it
All covered with
sequins and paste
As long you do
it, do it with taste
Rita, really.
(polka music)
(tires screeching)
(doors opening and closing)
(audience laughing)
(comical drum noise)
- Nurse, I'd like
to see the doctor.
- I'll bet you'd like
to see anything.
- Miss Hayworth, do
you think movies today
should have good plots?
- Only if it's essential
to the nudity.
(humming in unison)
- Really April, when the
host said "Bottoms up,"
that's not exactly what
he meant you know.
- Wanda, my love,
her ladyship with only
be gone for a moment,
so drop everything
and come down to me.
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- Oh, waiter, does your chef put
a lot of bread in the meatloaf?
- No, madam.
- Okay, I'll have a
slice of meatloaf.
- Meatloaf, uh-huh.
Which meatloaf, the
white or whole wheat?
- Being on Laugh
In is kind of like
going out for a wild
night with Georgie Jessel.
You start out
expecting a great deal,
but then soon
things start to drag,
and in the end
nothing happens at all.
(jazz music)
When Miss Sadie
Thompson Rolls into town
The bell in the steeple
Rings pow-pow-pow
When some singing sinners
Are getting her down
This is what Miss Sadie sings
What's news across the nation?
We have got the
information In a way
We hope we'll amuse
News We just love
To give you our views
La-Da-Di-Da, La-Da-Di-Da
Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at the news
Here's Dan and Dick
(audience clapping)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh In News,
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
and Mayor Yorty out of town,
Howard Hughes out of sight,
Toby Peals out of food,
Wilt Chamberlain out of reach,
and Liberace out of it.
- Good evening,
and here is Dick Martin
with the news of the present.
- An archeologist today dug
up the world's oldest mummy,
and, sight unseen,
George Jessel proposed.
(audience laughing)
Johnson City, Texas.
Researchers and students
are running into great problems
at the Lyndon Johnson
Memorial Library
since all 31 million
pieces of paper
are filed under the letter J.
Copenhagen, Denmark.
American showgirl Carol
Gayle initiated a malpractice suit
here today after
a plastic surgeon
accidentally injected her
with Silly Putty instead silicone.
(audience laughing)
Carol claimed that
overnight she went
from a 34-B to a 42-long.
(audience laughing)
And now, over to Dan
for news of the future.
- Don't like to hear
about those things, Dick.
California, 20 years from now.
The smog problem, which has been
plaguing Los Angeles for years
has finally been solved,
ridding the city of the
dreaded air pollutant for good.
The great event was celebrated
by both of the
surviving citizens.
Mayo Clinic, 20 years
after the re-enactment
of no fault automobile insurance
a group of prominent
lawyers today released
a special study noting that
whiplash injuries have
virtually disappeared.
And so has a group
of prominent lawyers.
(audience laughing)
News of the future,
20 years from now
the Vietnam war finally
looks as if it's ending.
Troop withdrawal was
completed today as the last
plane-load of South
Vietnamese soldiers took off,
leaving the entire country in
the hands of the Americans.
- And now for Kid News for Kids,
we take you to a tree-house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Mooksy here with
Kid News for Kids.
You know somethin'?
We played baseball
with the big kids
and we almost beat 'em.
At the end of the ninth inning
it was nothing to nothing.
But they a beat us in the tenth
32 to nothing.
Boy what an inning that was.
But gee, our pitcher
walked the first 18 batters.
Then Fat Flarherty
bunted a home run.
Then Butchie
walked 23 more guys.
But our team did set
a new world record.
We kept the bases loaded
for seven hours on one bunt.
Anyway, if they want me to
be the catcher next Saturday,
they gotta get
me a catchers mitt.
'Cause it's murder
catching without a glove.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Now, for an exclusive
report from our man London.
- Come in, our man in London.
- We're here at Speaker's
Corner in Hyde Park
to interview a man who threatens
to invade the United States.
Excuse me sir.
- I say we must form
- An invasion army now!
- Excuse me.
- Bravo, we have a
volunteer, well done!
- No, no, I am an American.
- Darling, we accept deserters.
Anybody to fight the
war in the colonies.
- The war in the colonies?
I beg your pardon, but
America did defeat England
during the Revolutionary War.
- Rubbish, there
was never defeat.
That was a tactical withdrawal.
So we could prepare
for the sneak attack.
- Sneak attack, sneak attack,
that was almost 200 years ago.
- I know, it's gonna
be really sneaky, innit?
- And you actually plan
to take over America?
- Darling, the colonies
and Great Britain
belong together!
We have the same
heritage, the same civilization,
the same language.
Why shouldn't we we fight?
- Well why should we fight?
- Well I'll tell
you why, darling.
That's the trouble
with you Americans.
Hung up on violence!
- Now we take you to
our man in deepest Africa.
- Chief, it recently
became known
that every member of your
tribe lives to be 148 years old.
Can you tell us why?
- Yes, we've found that if
you let them live any longer,
they start to give
on your nerves.
Excuse me, I have
a hair appointment.
- Hi, busy Buzzi here reporting
from the back
alleys of Hollywood.
(laughing)
It's still in the rumor stage,
but the smart money says
the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
is going to make a movie
of the life of Charlton Heston.
The title role will
be played by God.
And that's the news
from Tinseltown.
Bye from Buzzi.
Kissy-kissy.
- And that's the way it is,
Friday, October 12th 1492.
La-Da-Di-Da Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at the news
- The only thing
that some hot pants
leaves to the imagination
is how you're going
to sit down in them.
- Hey look, Tony, we been
doing this for three hours,
and we still don't
know who's stronger.
- Yeah, you know
what we need, Bruno?
We need a neutral
party to decide.
- Hey, you're right.
- Hey, buddy, which
one of us do you think
is the strongest, huh?
- Put 'er there.
(bones cracking)
Hey, let's see
you top that, Tony.
(bones cracking)
- I think I got you beat
on that one, Bruno.
- You can't really tell by a
handshake, can you pal?
But a bear hug.
Now let's see you do that,
Tony, then we'll find out.
- Okay.
(breaking glass)
- Hey, you made him
break all those bottles,
we better get out of here.
- What's the matter
with you, bud?
- Hey, hey, what's
going on here?
What are you, one of
those drunken boughs?
I know how to handle
wise guys like you.
Come on.
(audience laughing)
- How about a couple
of drinks for my friends?
- Gladys, as a fellow
woman you'll understand this.
Don't you just hate it when
men stare at your body?
- Well I don't mind all
the staring so much,
it's all that laughing
and gigglin' that get me.
(polka music)
(audience laughing)
- You know, nurse,
you know I can't wait
until the day I can get
up and walk out that door.
- Neither can I, I've always
wanted to see a miracle.
(audience laughing)
- If a chicken and a half lays
an egg and a half in
a minute and a half,
this program has it beat
by a full thirty seconds.
- Give me that, please.
- Well, just a minute, you
can't have that, that's my egg.
- Well, you can't
have it, that's my act.
Why do you do you
think they call me Henny?
- Doc Sevenson, baby!
You know it doesn't seem
fair making all those jokes
about Ed McMahon's drinking.
- Well you know,
your right John,
because Phil drinks
almost as much as Ed does.
- Phil Harris?
- No, Philadelphia.
- Wanda, my love, my dreamboat,
you warm the
cockles of my heart.
- Oh sir, I spilled
the tea, oh damn you.
- For that I thank you, Wanda.
It's the warmest
I've been all winter.
- Oh, waiter, waiter,
how's the hash?
- Well, I had it myself
for lunch, madam.
- Okay, I'll have the hash.
- Okay, but don't
say I didn't warn ya.
- Nurse.
Would you please take
these flowers out of my room,
they depress me.
- There you go again,
always thinking of yourself.
A few days from now,
your wife is going to need
something to cheer up.
- You know, Marcus Welby and
Laugh In have a lot in common.
A good portion of both
casts is comprised of sickos.
- A little Jewish man
gets hit by an automobile,
he's laying there, they're
waiting for the ambulance,
the cop covers
him with his jacket,
and he says to
the little old man,
"Are you comfortable?
He said, " I make
a nice living."
- Senator, do you think crime
has become more
widespread in America?
- Well let me tell you son,
there was a meeting yesterday
with the President
of the United States,
J. Edgar Hoover,
the Attorney General
and myself behind locked doors.
And my pocket was picked.
- Hey daddy-o, you wanna
hope on my chopper?
- No, it's time
for the quickies.
And I don't wanna
hop on your chopper.
What are you
doing on that thing?
- A whole lot of falling off.
- Bet you are.
I didn't know you
were a motorcycle buff.
- You bet your pat Suzuki.
You know, I happen to be
the nephew of the
world's greatest trick rider,
Whoops Fungman.
- Whoops Fungman.
- You know, he got
his name by being
the first man ever
to fly a motorcycle
almost across the Grand Canyon.
- I gather he didn't make it.
- As a matter of fact,
whoops was one
of his last words.
Another one was, "Help!"
- Well, that's a shame.
- Not really, he
did set a record
for the 2000 foot plummet
that's still stands.
Which is more than I
can say for Uncle Whoops.
- Well I suppose it's nice to
be remembered for something.
- Well, on the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
there are 27 monuments
showing where he landed
and landed and landed.
- Well, doesn't
a thing like that
keep you from fooling
around on a motorcycle?
- No, but the handlebars
kinda get in the way.
- Got it. Can we
go to the quickies?
- Okay, hop on and I'll
show you my wheelie.
- I've seen your wheelie.
- Oh, I'm so ashamed.
Look at that filthy, filthy bum.
That's my son.
- Well at least
he's not a hippy.
- I would like to play
in just one movie
where I don't have to
appear in a sexy gown.
But all those parts
go to Milton Berle.
- Well, how's it going hun?
- Well, Louie, Harry, left me,
my older boy's been drafted,
I just lost my job, my
answering service won't pick up,
and the doctor just told me I
only have six months to live.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
How are you holding up?
- Oh, I can't complain.
- Maybe have a
couple of aspirins.
- Not tonight, I've
got a headache.
- I see no reason why Laugh
In couldn't last 13 years.
The Vietnam war made it,
and look how bad that was.
- May I have an order of
bread and water, to go?
- Oh no, here comes that
old gossip, Mrs. Johnson.
Quick, let's get
our clothes off.
(audience laughing)
- Honey.
Honey, would you
lower the radio?
(audience laughing)
That's better.
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am here tonight
for two reasons.
First of all to
explain why I think
that anyone who watches Laugh In
is a low class tasteless person.
My second purpose is to
say hello to my dear mother.
- Wanda, my love, I
think the master will retire.
I feel so terribly tired.
(audience giggling)
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- Well, to tell you
the truth Wanda,
I don't feel so tired now.
- I saw you when you
played a strip-teaser
in that movie Gilda.
- But all I took
off was my glove.
- I know, but you've
got a better build
in your little finger than
I've got in my whole body.
(laughing)
You laugh.
- A can make a
tom-tom with my shoes.
- Hey listen, on Marcus Welby
you've had a lot of
famous people as patients.
Have you ever had
a famous comedian?
- Yeah, we had Henny Youngman.
We took two X-rays.
One like this,
and one like this.
(car door closing)
(barking)
- Nurse.
- Yeah, what is it?
- Can you bring me something
that will make me feel better?
- How about a priest?
- Wanda, my love.
Wanda, my little flower.
The master has a present
for you, little surprise.
Come on in.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, how lovely, pressed flowers.
- Yes, it makes a change from
the pressed duck, doesn't it?
- Waiter, what's
good on the menu?
- Everything's good
on the menu madam,
it's what's on the plate
that's our problem.
- Jill, do you realize we've
done about 100 Laugh In shows?
- I don't know how you do it.
That's like being married to
the same man for 50 years.
- What do you mean?
- Well it's an hour of
laughs, once a week.
- Frank Sinatra.
Sinatra.
Oh, I've torn some
Ma Bell property.
(audience laughing)
Okay. S, S.
Oh here it is, in the yellow
pages under swingers.
(snorts)
One ring-a-ding-ding.
Two ring-a-ding-ding.
Oh gracious, good afternoon.
Is this the Sinatra residence?
Are you his maid?
Oh, your his girl Friday.
Well, what about Saturday
and Sunday? (snorts)
A little phone company humor
for swinging lovers, sweetie.
So why don't you
put Frankie boy on.
Oh gracious, good afternoon.
Is this Mr. Frank Sinatra?
(snorts)
Oh Mr. Sinatra.
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Why thank you.
Why thank you so much for
asking, but I don't have bird.
- How about that headline, Dick.
- What's it all about?
- Well according to
the Los Angeles Times,
the United States
government rents land
in Nevada for $100 a year to a
woman who runs a bawdy house.
- You mean Uncle Sam is a madam?
- And a lot of people
are complaining about it.
- Well I don't know what
they're complaining about,
it's making more money
than their whole post office.
- What's a bawdy house
got to do with a post office?
- Well, they have
the same model.
- The same model?
- Neither sleet nor
rain, nor snow nor hail,
shall stop the American male.
- No, I'm calling Mr. Sinatra,
about an unpaid bill.
And I was wondering
what you're going to
doobie-doobie-doobie-do
about it. (snorts)
Oh, well I'd love
to do it your way,
but it's against phone
company regulations.
- I sure feel sorry
for Ronald Reagan.
You know he paid an accountant
to figure out his income tax.
And for what? For nothing.
- Say, the Democratic Convention
is in Miami this year, isn't it?
- Shh, they don't
want Hubert to find out.
- Mr. Sinatra, I
realize you're retired,
but you must be doing
something to make ends meet.
Oh, oh how nifty.
Mr. Sinatra, you make
me feel so young. (snorts)
Get it? Oh, I'm hip, I'm hip.
Look, it's quarter-to-three,
there's no one in the place
Except you and, what's that?
I beg your pardon.
Well I certainly am not.
I'll have you know I am
a high school graduate.
And Mr. Sinatra, just
because you and Ma Bell
are having a tiff,
is no reason why we should be
Strangers in the
night, Exchanging
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Oh, darn it. For a second there
I had such high hopes. (snorts)
I thought it was gonna
be A very good year
(snorts)
Oh Ernestine, you've
got a set a of pipes on you.
The bod's hot tonight. (snorts)
- Here's another safety tip.
Never have open heart surgery
performed on
yourself or a loved on
in one of the booths
of the farmer's market.
- Miss Pullman?
My name is Perry Lafferty.
Perry Lafferty
Did you you hear that friends?
His name is Perry Lafferty
- And I have a problem.
- Oh. (laughs)
- He has a problem.
Did you hear that?
- I just said that.
Anyway, see, yesterday
I was wandering
aimlessly down the street,
when I came to The Mission.
- The Mission. The
Salvation Army Mission,
on Sixth and Main.
- Oh no, no, The
Mission Bar and Grill
on Third and Elm.
- Oh did you hear
that foul name?
Mission Bar and Grill.
- Sure I heard
it, I just said it.
So anyway, I was
tempted to go in.
- But you realized
that this was just a,
a substitute
for the true values in life.
- Yeah, well, I
thought about that,
you know, while I was
sitting there sipping my drink.
See, but suddenly an
inspiration came to me.
- Oh.
Oh. (laughs)
An inspiration.
Oh, did you hear that word?
Inspiration.
Describe the
inspiration you saw.
- Oh, she was about 45,
hot pants, see through blouse.
- Oh, but you
didn't speak to her?
- Oh no, I spoke
just to the bartender.
- Ah, you sought moral support
from him.
What did you say to him?
- I said, "Joe, see
what the lady will have."
- I see, you were solicitous
as far as she was concerned.
- Oh no, no. She was solicitous.
I was concerned.
- And that's your
problem - Oh no.
No see, my real
problem is my wife.
- No, your real
problem is your wife.
- She has this one bad habit.
- She has this one bad habit.
- She repeats everything I say.
- Some girls in Hollywood
make a name for themselves
by the way they
dress, or vice versa.
- Rita, what do you like best?
- Hip-Huggers.
- You mean those
short, tight pants?
- No, I mean those
short, tight men.
(metallic ringing)
(tires screeching)
- Nurse.
What's for lunch.
- Hamburger.
- Is it good hamburger?
- It's got a better chance of
pulling through than you have.
- Waiter, does your chef use
any artificial preservatives?
- He must madam, he's over 90.
- And now, it's time
for our new department,
I'm Never Wrong.
What? It isn't time?
Sorry, I'm wrong.
- We try to be as accurate as
possible on Marcus Welby, M.D.
There's always a doctor
on the set to give us pointers.
- Oh, you mean like how
you should hold a scalpel?
- No, how we should
hold a seven iron.
- Ugh, Rita Hayworth.
You look absolutely
sensational in Gilda.
Do you still have that
low cut, sexy dress?
(laughing)
- Yes, but if you
wanna borrow it,
you're gonna have
to get your own shoes.
(ticking timer)
- Ugh, there's that dippy clock.
- What does that mean?
- Oh, nothing. Just
stand there on camera.
Not me, her. Her. Not me, her.
- Senator, at what point
do you think
unemployment will become
a serious problem
in this country?
- When they start
layin' off Senators.
- I got ties funnier
than that joke.
- Trying to find the
meaning of Laugh In
is like going to strip-tease
show blind-folded.
You know it's there somewhere,
but you just can't see it.
- Hey, can you tell me
how to get to Joe's Saw Mill?
First you go to the left
You go to the right
Make a turn at Orange
And stop at the light
Go over the bridge
And down the hill
Through the slums
And you'll reach the mill.
- I think that's the way.
- Right on, ma'am.
- Oh, how wonderful
it would have been
to marry a man like
Christopher Columbus.
Oh,
so nice.
He must have been
so cute. (snoring)
- Oh Christopher,
I wish you weren't
taking this crazy cruise.
- Great wild castanets,
think of the wonderful
things it will mean.
Number one,
it will benefit mankind forever.
- But you'll have to be
away from me for years.
(laughing - That's number two.
- Oh Christopher, please
don't go, don't leave me.
If you leave me,
who will kiss me
and hug me and
hold me in the night.
- Nobody, things will go
on just the same as they are.
- Hey, Jim, how did
you originally get the part
of Dr. Steven Kiley
on Marcus Welby?
Well actually it was a mistake,
I went to see the producer
about playing the lead
in the Buster Keaton story.
But he misunderstood
me when I said deadpan.
- Guy on the electric
chair, and the warden says,
"You can have anything
want to eat for your last meal."
He said, "I want mushrooms."
He says, "Mushrooms?"
He says, "Yeah, I was
always afraid to eat them."
- Have you always
dressed so flamboyantly?
- No darlin', I used to
dress very conservatively.
Just a simple skirt and blouse.
- Rita Hayworth television
pilot, Hollywood R-F-D.
Roll 'em.
(doorbell rings)
- Come in.
- Good evening, sir.
The employment agency sent me.
- Yes, you must be
the new chauffeur.
- Quite.
- You're gonna be driving
for Miss Laura Lamont.
- The movie star?
- No, the plumber.
Of course, the movie star.
Now listen, if you're
gonna be working with her,
there's something you
outta know about her.
She has a problem, you see.
She, uh.
She.
She, uh.
She.
- She drinks.
- Right. Right.
Now she's going to be
going to a preview tonight
with Lance Proudfoot.
- But sir, she can't even move.
- It is not to worry.
Quiet on the set everybody.
We are now ready for the
getting dressed scene. Action.
- I must retire to prepare
for tonight's gala function.
- That's quite an occasion.
- See, Laura always
pulls herself together
as long as she even thinks
there's a camera on her.
- Gentlemen, I'm ready now.
Will you see me to the table?
- An honor.
- That's amazing.
How do you snap her out of it?
Yell cut?
- Don't say cut.
Now I've gotta
start all over again.
Uh-oh, that's Lance.
You get him, I'll
take care of her.
Alright everybody we're ready
for the greeting
escort scene. Action.
- I'm ready to receive
Mr. Lance Proudfoot.
- Here let me, let me
help you with your makeup.
Where's Lance?
- Right behind me, sir.
- Where's what's her name?
It's an honor to be your escort.
- I'm sorry, the
evening is over.
Get this drunk out of here.
- Look at him, how
did he get like this?
- Don't blame it
on me this time,
I didn't even yell cut.
- Oh no.
- Nurse, when this
sedative wears off
that you've given
me, will I feel pain.
- Not a bit, that sedative
lasts for three hours.
And we figure you
at two and a half.
- Your tea is ready, sir.
- Ah, thank you Wanda, my love.
(crashing dishes)
- One lump, sir, or two?
- Waiter, waiter,
please need these pills.
Quick, quick, bring
me a glass of water.
- No sorry lady,
this ain't my table.
- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.
Rita, you were a delight.
- Nevermind that Rita,
which pilot did you pick?
- This one.
It's the only way to fly.
- Well, I guess you've
seen the end of Rita.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, I know Dick that
you went to a lot of trouble
writing those pilots, now you
haven't got anybody to do 'em.
- Oh, yes I have.
- Who?
- Her.
- Her? She can't act.
- Maybe not, but she'll
bring a new twist to the part.
- Which part is she gonna get?
- It doesn't matter,
what part I'm gonna get
is what I'm worried about.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- You gotta admit, she's
got a new approach to things.
- I said I don't
wanna hear about it.
- The only problem
is, you never know
whether she's making
an entrance or an exit.
Look, the poor girl is only
trying to make ends meet.
- Dick, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Permission to say
goodnight, master Dick?
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- Yes, say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [In Unison] Goonight, Dick.
- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen,
and thank you for being with us.
Now, stay tuned
for an instant replay
of the entire hour.
- Who would lose if an lion
got into a fight with a tiger?
- I don't know, who.
- The guy who
tries to break it up.
- Why does a lion,
why indeed does a
lion have a mane?
- Well Dick, because
he'd look pretty silly
with a New Hampshire
on his neck, huh?
- Larry, what do you call a lion
that leaps into your
bedroom at night?
- Sir.
- Oh Dan, I bled
all over your coat.
Why does a lion have red eye?
- I don't know, why
does a lion have red eye?
- Beats me, cupcake.
- Can I have the joke
about the red eyes?
- [Dick] Course you can.
- So it can hide
in a cherry tree.
- Al.
- What is it, Lar?
- Why do lions have long hair?
- Do know a barber
who's gonna trim it?
- When does a lion
go on a vacation?
- [In Unison] Any
old time he wants to.
(car doors closing and opening)
- I'd like to have
a television here,
but I don't have any
medical insurance
and I can't afford it.
- Listen, run up a big bill.
You're not gonna be
paying for it anyway.
- Oh really?
Well, get me a broad then.
- While some people claim that
a few of the jokes on
Laugh In are pre-historic,
I think everyone will agree
they're all pre-recorded.
(single person clapping)
- Oh Dr. Kiley,
I'm not feeling well.
Can you look at me?
(melodramatic gasping)
- I'm sorry Gladys, I'm
a general practitioner,
not a veterinarian.
- Hello, would you
please stamp this fragile?
(cartoon metal spring noise)
- You got it.
- These hamburgers don't
seem to be cooking very fast.
- Well maybe we'd
better cook 'em inside!
- Why?
- The house is on fire.
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I was
white when I went in.
(playing piano)
My momma done told
me She wasn't my momma
(phones ringing)
- Hello, Bill's stereo shop.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Doc, what's
the most amazing thing
you've ever seen Johnny
Carson do on the tonight show?
- Show up.
- At the studio, they
just put my last name
on my parking space.
Saint John.
And Charlton Heston
always parks there.
- People ask me why I
always carry my violin with me.
If I didn't have it,
I'd look pretty silly
bowing my arm.
- Is there a doctor
in the house?
- Waitress, your restroom
is absolutely filthy.
- But sir, you just
came out of the kitchen.
- Oh, well that's better.
(laughing maniacally)
(audience laughing)
(phone line ringing)
- [Woman on Phone]
Governor Carlton's office.
- Is the Governor in?
- [Woman on Phone]
I'm sorry, he's out now,
would you please
leave your number?
- Uh-huh, it's nine oh
three seven one four five
three two three
nine six one five.
But if I'm not there it's
nine oh three seven one four
five five two
three six one five.
- Dick and I are very
proud to introduce
our guest for tonight, the star
of countless motion pictures
such as Gilda, Sadie
Thompson, her latest film
is Road to Salina.
- Ladies and gentlemen
the glamorous and talented
love goddess of films,
Miss Rita Hayworth.
(audience clapping)
Wow.
- Miss Hayworth, our
show is your show.
- Is there anything
special you'd like to do?
- Well, gentlemen, one
thing I've always wanted to do
is to read poetry on television.
And you promised.
- You're right, I
did promise, Dan.
And I got the book
right here, Rita.
- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Rita Hayworth
will now read a poem
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
- Good, good, good.
(audience chuckling)
- Thank you.
Boy that Henry W.
Sure can write a poem.
(audience laughter)
- And now, NBC, the
Nation Bourbon Company,
after four seasons,
downs a fifth
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
With the celebrated Dan Rowan,
the inebriated Dick Martin,
and tonight's guest
star Miss Rita Hayworth.
And Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Ann Elder, Barbara Sharma
and the new kids Larry
Hovis and Richard Dawson.
And me, I'm Gary Owens.
Author of the book "What
You've Always Wanted to Know
"About Sex, But Have Been
Too Busy Making Love to Ask".
(trumpets sounding)
(toast crunching)
- It's jokes that make
Laugh In as good as it is,
and here are the
biggest jokes in television,
Dick and Dan.
No, don't soak me,
I didn't mean you're
the two biggest
jokes on television,
all i meant was,
all I meant was you're the
two biggest jokes on television.
(audience cheering)
- Thank you for that
applause, very nice.
Hey listen, lot of
stuff going on, huh?
What do you think
about the President's
forthcoming trip to China?
- Shh, now everybody'll
know about it.
- What are you talking about,
everybody already
knows about it.
- Of course they will,
you blabbed about it.
Never heard such a big mouth.
- It's no secret, it's
been announced
in the international press,
the President
announced it himself.
- Yeah, but he
happened to have told me
to keep quiet about it.
- He told you about his trip.
- Why not, I'm one of
his advisors, am I not?
- Now I suppose that
you're going to tell me
that you're an expert on
Sino-American relations.
- No, but I do know
a lot about China.
- Oh.
Now let me ask you a
question about Chinese history.
Who was the famous war
lord who conquered all of Asia?
- Sammy Khan.
- That was Genghis Khan,
Sammy Khan is a song writer.
- He had time to write
songs while conquering Asia?
- Wow, you're some
expert on China.
- Well why not, I happen
to be a devout student
of the ancient Chinese
philosopher, Egg-Fu Fungman
- Egg-Fu Fungman?
- The man who wrote
those inspiring proverbs
about life and lotus blossoms.
- That was Confucius.
- Funny, it seemed clear to me.
- I never heard of a philosopher
named Egg-Fu Fungman.
Well, he was also
famous for other things,
like he opened the
first Chinese bakery
and invented cookies.
- How'd he do?
- Made a fortune.
- He made a fortune on cookies?
What did he call them?
- Fig Newtons.
- Fig Newtons,
I'm sorry I asked.
- Of course Egg-Fu
was best known
for naming the Chinese sailboat.
- Egg-Fu named
the Chinese sailboat?
- Well it was accidental
really, you know.
What happened is he
was building a house
on the Yangtze out
of bamboo and canvas,
and slipped off the
bank off the river
right in to the water.
- Right into the river.
- So all the fisherman
gather around and said,
"Hey Fungman, get that
junk out of the water."
- This is the Anderson Watch
Company. A-M and P-M.
- I don't understand
the kids today,
just lying around the
house doing nothin'.
Why don't they go out and
get to the unemployment line
like everybody else?
- How come you're at a
party on your wedding night?
- Well Richard said he wanted me
to be sure to have a good time.
- Rita, isn't it amazing
that right at the
peak of his career
Frank Sinatra
has called it quits.
- No, he's not, he's just
not going to sing anymore.
- You Americans make
jokes about Tijuana,
but think how the
poor Canadians feel.
I mean how would you like to
have Detroit as a border town?
- Would you like to
come up to my place?
- You'll have to twist my arm.
- I'd love to, where is it?
- The movie industry is
in some financial trouble,
but I refuse to believe
they voted George C. Scott
best actor just to save
the cost of a statue.
- Hey Loola, do you think I
could make in in show business?
- Sure, as a female
impersonator.
- I hear J. Edgar Hoover
decided not to run for President.
He doesn't want to
take a cut in information.
- You know, I really would
like you to come up to my place.
- But Dick, try to
see things my way.
- I am, I am!
- Today, the white man uses
the pill to control population.
In the old days, they
used the cavalry charge,
you betchem!
- You know, Norman
Rockwell is painting
a true American portrait for
the Saturday Evening's Post.
It shows three guys
wearing bandages,
and one of them carrying a flag.
- Oh, the spirit of '76.
No, I mean the
convention of '68.
- You know I heard
that to a chemist,
the human body is
worth only 98 cents.
That's why I hang around
bars instead of laboratories.
- You know, I see where
the automobile industry
has just come up with the
ultimate in safety devices.
It does away completely
with Ralph Nader.
- Did you know that before 1951
you couldn't say the word
virgin in a motion picture?
In today's movies,
you can't even find one.
- You know, I really do wish
you'd come up to my place.
- But Dick, try to
understand my position.
- I'm trying, I'm trying!
(party music)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Surprise, surprise.
I thought you might be
thirsty, Miss Hayworth.
- Well that's Miss Hayworth.
- That's very sweet
of you, Hawkins.
- Hawkins?
- Yeah, he's a butler
I just hired for Rita.
- Well, Hawkins, unfortunately
you have forgotten the glasses.
- It's no problem sir, I can see
perfectly well without them.
- No, no Hawkins,
you didn't bring
any drinking glasses.
- Not only that Hawkins, but
you forgot to bring the water.
- Well, if you
ain't got the water,
you won't need the
glasses, will you?
Will you take that please, sir?
- Indian tell time by the moon.
Let's see John Cameron
Swayze strap that to a tractor.
- A pretty girl
is like a melody.
No good if it's flat.
- Hi boys and girls,
you know what time it is, huh?
(crowd shouting)
No, no, no, it's Uncle
Al time, remember?
- It's Uncle Al time
at Katie's pal time,
howdy, howdy, howdy,
and here's Uncle Al.
- Hi, kiddies!
Don't you ever
get off the floor?
- I'm gonna ring
this when soups on.
- Oh get outta here,
Twinkle. (laughs)
And how are all of little
Uncle Al's boys and girls?
(laughing)
- And today's Uncle
Al is going to show you
how to make a belt.
And Uncle Al could
use a belt right now.
And first, we're going
to take our string.
Ah.
- [Person in Crowd] You
look pretty strung out, Uncle Al.
- Emily, you're a bummer.
Okay, we take the string
and we get it looped like this.
Eh, you got that kiddies?
And then we, my
hands are shaking,
and then we string it like,
who gave me this game?
And then we string like this.
Oh I need a little medicine
here today. (laughs)
It doesn't seem to
be working, does it?
- [Crowd] No.
- Well that's right,
it isn't working,
and Uncle Al is gonna go
out and practice getting looped.
(timer ticking)
No, no, not the water!
Did Miss Twinkle think of this?
Where is she?
Ah!
- I'm Ada Zeedathed
and I'm five years old.
And today, in the yard, I ate
some mud and some leaves
and six clothespin
and some chalk.
And when I went in the house,
Momma gave me some medicine.
That medicine made me sick.
And that's the truth.
- A new phenomenon
that's catching on
all across the country
is the waterbed.
Here are some random
comments on the subject.
- I heard a Burbank
couple bought a waterbed
and two days later there was
a ring around the mattress.
- I understand they're making
a movie about two couples
in a waterbed called Bob
and Carol and Ted and Flipper.
- My waterbed's so small
the fish are humpback.
- I know a married couple
who have had a waterbed
for one year.
They just had a baby boy.
He was born seasick.
- Oh, waterbeds are nothing new.
I sleep in one 'til I
was two years old.
- You noticed when you
saw the shot of the band
that the guy playing the flute
certainly didn't
have his lip tonight,
but then that
doesn't, what's that?
- This is this week's mail for
the mystery person contest,
all of this, every bit of it.
- Oh no, not that again.
- Get out of here
before Dick sees it.
- And now, here's
the mystery person.
- There's gotta be
some way out of it.
- Ah, well I've gone
though the mail,
and I've got good news
for our mystery person.
- Good news, eh?
- Yes, out of the
millions of responses,
not one person in this whole
country knows who you are.
- That's the good news?
- Yes.
- Well, what's the bad news?
- I'll make a few
guesses myself.
- And that's the bad news.
- Are you Rosemary Clooney?
- No.
- Do you know Rosemary Clooney?
- Yes.
- Ah-ha, we've
narrowed it down to guy
who knows Rosemary Clooney.
- Well, I know Rosemary Clooney.
- Are you Dan Rowan?
- How can he be Dan
Rowan? I'm Dan Rowan.
- Well, that eliminates you.
There you are folks,
two new great big clues
and this week we add
two more great prizes.
A genuine raccoon
coat once worn both by
Rudy Valley and an
anonymous raccoon.
- Plus a diagram showing
all the electrical outlets
in Wayne Newton's bathroom.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute,
we gotta call this off.
- And so we shall,
tune in next week when
we will finally reveal
who the mystery person is.
Come on Johnny.
- I think the mystery guest is
one of those talk show hosts.
I'd say it's either
Merv Griffin or
Virginia Graham.
Tea?
Thank you.
Sugar?
One lump.
Cream?
Never.
I hate to sound haughty,
But Laugh In is naughty,
With trap doors
and water and such
I know what you mean dear,
That joke was obscene dear,
Those sparkles
don't help very much
- Oh, my dear.
As long as we're dishing,
I can't keep from wishing,
Dan Rowan were really more chic
As long we're startin'
I do think Dick Martin
Is the really the
leach of the week.
But we love 'em As
long as they're tasteful
Not wanton nor wasteful
As long as they're
charming and chaste
So what if they're naughty,
And just a bit bawdy,
As long as their
bawdy with taste.
- Cookie, cake?
- Buns.
I hate to be picky,
But time for a quickie,
Just doesn't seem tasteful to me
That new song is horrid
The party's too torrid,
And Burbank is hardly Paris.
Wee Sock it to me
Hayworth, please
I hate to sound fussy
But miss busy Buzzi
Is really a little bit crass
And dear Annie Elder,
That latter day Zelda
Is certainly lacking
in class - Disgusting.
Although she's a charmer
Petite Barbara Sharma
Is known to be racy and rude
I must throw this bomb in
That girl Lily Tomlin
At times is just
shocking and crude
- She's my favorite.
But we love 'em.
As long as they're tasteful,
Not wanton or wasteful
As long as the corset is laced
So what if they're wacky
And totty, and tacky
As long as long as
they're tacky with taste
- [In Unison] All together!
As long as it's tasteful
Not wanton or wasteful
As long as decorum's embraced
It's just like a stripper
Who's good with a zipper
You just have do it
Just keep grinding through it
All covered with
sequins and paste
As long you do
it, do it with taste
Rita, really.
(polka music)
(tires screeching)
(doors opening and closing)
(audience laughing)
(comical drum noise)
- Nurse, I'd like
to see the doctor.
- I'll bet you'd like
to see anything.
- Miss Hayworth, do
you think movies today
should have good plots?
- Only if it's essential
to the nudity.
(humming in unison)
- Really April, when the
host said "Bottoms up,"
that's not exactly what
he meant you know.
- Wanda, my love,
her ladyship with only
be gone for a moment,
so drop everything
and come down to me.
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- Oh, waiter, does your chef put
a lot of bread in the meatloaf?
- No, madam.
- Okay, I'll have a
slice of meatloaf.
- Meatloaf, uh-huh.
Which meatloaf, the
white or whole wheat?
- Being on Laugh
In is kind of like
going out for a wild
night with Georgie Jessel.
You start out
expecting a great deal,
but then soon
things start to drag,
and in the end
nothing happens at all.
(jazz music)
When Miss Sadie
Thompson Rolls into town
The bell in the steeple
Rings pow-pow-pow
When some singing sinners
Are getting her down
This is what Miss Sadie sings
What's news across the nation?
We have got the
information In a way
We hope we'll amuse
News We just love
To give you our views
La-Da-Di-Da, La-Da-Di-Da
Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at the news
Here's Dan and Dick
(audience clapping)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh In News,
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
and Mayor Yorty out of town,
Howard Hughes out of sight,
Toby Peals out of food,
Wilt Chamberlain out of reach,
and Liberace out of it.
- Good evening,
and here is Dick Martin
with the news of the present.
- An archeologist today dug
up the world's oldest mummy,
and, sight unseen,
George Jessel proposed.
(audience laughing)
Johnson City, Texas.
Researchers and students
are running into great problems
at the Lyndon Johnson
Memorial Library
since all 31 million
pieces of paper
are filed under the letter J.
Copenhagen, Denmark.
American showgirl Carol
Gayle initiated a malpractice suit
here today after
a plastic surgeon
accidentally injected her
with Silly Putty instead silicone.
(audience laughing)
Carol claimed that
overnight she went
from a 34-B to a 42-long.
(audience laughing)
And now, over to Dan
for news of the future.
- Don't like to hear
about those things, Dick.
California, 20 years from now.
The smog problem, which has been
plaguing Los Angeles for years
has finally been solved,
ridding the city of the
dreaded air pollutant for good.
The great event was celebrated
by both of the
surviving citizens.
Mayo Clinic, 20 years
after the re-enactment
of no fault automobile insurance
a group of prominent
lawyers today released
a special study noting that
whiplash injuries have
virtually disappeared.
And so has a group
of prominent lawyers.
(audience laughing)
News of the future,
20 years from now
the Vietnam war finally
looks as if it's ending.
Troop withdrawal was
completed today as the last
plane-load of South
Vietnamese soldiers took off,
leaving the entire country in
the hands of the Americans.
- And now for Kid News for Kids,
we take you to a tree-house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Mooksy here with
Kid News for Kids.
You know somethin'?
We played baseball
with the big kids
and we almost beat 'em.
At the end of the ninth inning
it was nothing to nothing.
But they a beat us in the tenth
32 to nothing.
Boy what an inning that was.
But gee, our pitcher
walked the first 18 batters.
Then Fat Flarherty
bunted a home run.
Then Butchie
walked 23 more guys.
But our team did set
a new world record.
We kept the bases loaded
for seven hours on one bunt.
Anyway, if they want me to
be the catcher next Saturday,
they gotta get
me a catchers mitt.
'Cause it's murder
catching without a glove.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Now, for an exclusive
report from our man London.
- Come in, our man in London.
- We're here at Speaker's
Corner in Hyde Park
to interview a man who threatens
to invade the United States.
Excuse me sir.
- I say we must form
- An invasion army now!
- Excuse me.
- Bravo, we have a
volunteer, well done!
- No, no, I am an American.
- Darling, we accept deserters.
Anybody to fight the
war in the colonies.
- The war in the colonies?
I beg your pardon, but
America did defeat England
during the Revolutionary War.
- Rubbish, there
was never defeat.
That was a tactical withdrawal.
So we could prepare
for the sneak attack.
- Sneak attack, sneak attack,
that was almost 200 years ago.
- I know, it's gonna
be really sneaky, innit?
- And you actually plan
to take over America?
- Darling, the colonies
and Great Britain
belong together!
We have the same
heritage, the same civilization,
the same language.
Why shouldn't we we fight?
- Well why should we fight?
- Well I'll tell
you why, darling.
That's the trouble
with you Americans.
Hung up on violence!
- Now we take you to
our man in deepest Africa.
- Chief, it recently
became known
that every member of your
tribe lives to be 148 years old.
Can you tell us why?
- Yes, we've found that if
you let them live any longer,
they start to give
on your nerves.
Excuse me, I have
a hair appointment.
- Hi, busy Buzzi here reporting
from the back
alleys of Hollywood.
(laughing)
It's still in the rumor stage,
but the smart money says
the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
is going to make a movie
of the life of Charlton Heston.
The title role will
be played by God.
And that's the news
from Tinseltown.
Bye from Buzzi.
Kissy-kissy.
- And that's the way it is,
Friday, October 12th 1492.
La-Da-Di-Da Ladies and Gents
Laugh In looks at the news
- The only thing
that some hot pants
leaves to the imagination
is how you're going
to sit down in them.
- Hey look, Tony, we been
doing this for three hours,
and we still don't
know who's stronger.
- Yeah, you know
what we need, Bruno?
We need a neutral
party to decide.
- Hey, you're right.
- Hey, buddy, which
one of us do you think
is the strongest, huh?
- Put 'er there.
(bones cracking)
Hey, let's see
you top that, Tony.
(bones cracking)
- I think I got you beat
on that one, Bruno.
- You can't really tell by a
handshake, can you pal?
But a bear hug.
Now let's see you do that,
Tony, then we'll find out.
- Okay.
(breaking glass)
- Hey, you made him
break all those bottles,
we better get out of here.
- What's the matter
with you, bud?
- Hey, hey, what's
going on here?
What are you, one of
those drunken boughs?
I know how to handle
wise guys like you.
Come on.
(audience laughing)
- How about a couple
of drinks for my friends?
- Gladys, as a fellow
woman you'll understand this.
Don't you just hate it when
men stare at your body?
- Well I don't mind all
the staring so much,
it's all that laughing
and gigglin' that get me.
(polka music)
(audience laughing)
- You know, nurse,
you know I can't wait
until the day I can get
up and walk out that door.
- Neither can I, I've always
wanted to see a miracle.
(audience laughing)
- If a chicken and a half lays
an egg and a half in
a minute and a half,
this program has it beat
by a full thirty seconds.
- Give me that, please.
- Well, just a minute, you
can't have that, that's my egg.
- Well, you can't
have it, that's my act.
Why do you do you
think they call me Henny?
- Doc Sevenson, baby!
You know it doesn't seem
fair making all those jokes
about Ed McMahon's drinking.
- Well you know,
your right John,
because Phil drinks
almost as much as Ed does.
- Phil Harris?
- No, Philadelphia.
- Wanda, my love, my dreamboat,
you warm the
cockles of my heart.
- Oh sir, I spilled
the tea, oh damn you.
- For that I thank you, Wanda.
It's the warmest
I've been all winter.
- Oh, waiter, waiter,
how's the hash?
- Well, I had it myself
for lunch, madam.
- Okay, I'll have the hash.
- Okay, but don't
say I didn't warn ya.
- Nurse.
Would you please take
these flowers out of my room,
they depress me.
- There you go again,
always thinking of yourself.
A few days from now,
your wife is going to need
something to cheer up.
- You know, Marcus Welby and
Laugh In have a lot in common.
A good portion of both
casts is comprised of sickos.
- A little Jewish man
gets hit by an automobile,
he's laying there, they're
waiting for the ambulance,
the cop covers
him with his jacket,
and he says to
the little old man,
"Are you comfortable?
He said, " I make
a nice living."
- Senator, do you think crime
has become more
widespread in America?
- Well let me tell you son,
there was a meeting yesterday
with the President
of the United States,
J. Edgar Hoover,
the Attorney General
and myself behind locked doors.
And my pocket was picked.
- Hey daddy-o, you wanna
hope on my chopper?
- No, it's time
for the quickies.
And I don't wanna
hop on your chopper.
What are you
doing on that thing?
- A whole lot of falling off.
- Bet you are.
I didn't know you
were a motorcycle buff.
- You bet your pat Suzuki.
You know, I happen to be
the nephew of the
world's greatest trick rider,
Whoops Fungman.
- Whoops Fungman.
- You know, he got
his name by being
the first man ever
to fly a motorcycle
almost across the Grand Canyon.
- I gather he didn't make it.
- As a matter of fact,
whoops was one
of his last words.
Another one was, "Help!"
- Well, that's a shame.
- Not really, he
did set a record
for the 2000 foot plummet
that's still stands.
Which is more than I
can say for Uncle Whoops.
- Well I suppose it's nice to
be remembered for something.
- Well, on the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
there are 27 monuments
showing where he landed
and landed and landed.
- Well, doesn't
a thing like that
keep you from fooling
around on a motorcycle?
- No, but the handlebars
kinda get in the way.
- Got it. Can we
go to the quickies?
- Okay, hop on and I'll
show you my wheelie.
- I've seen your wheelie.
- Oh, I'm so ashamed.
Look at that filthy, filthy bum.
That's my son.
- Well at least
he's not a hippy.
- I would like to play
in just one movie
where I don't have to
appear in a sexy gown.
But all those parts
go to Milton Berle.
- Well, how's it going hun?
- Well, Louie, Harry, left me,
my older boy's been drafted,
I just lost my job, my
answering service won't pick up,
and the doctor just told me I
only have six months to live.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
How are you holding up?
- Oh, I can't complain.
- Maybe have a
couple of aspirins.
- Not tonight, I've
got a headache.
- I see no reason why Laugh
In couldn't last 13 years.
The Vietnam war made it,
and look how bad that was.
- May I have an order of
bread and water, to go?
- Oh no, here comes that
old gossip, Mrs. Johnson.
Quick, let's get
our clothes off.
(audience laughing)
- Honey.
Honey, would you
lower the radio?
(audience laughing)
That's better.
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am here tonight
for two reasons.
First of all to
explain why I think
that anyone who watches Laugh In
is a low class tasteless person.
My second purpose is to
say hello to my dear mother.
- Wanda, my love, I
think the master will retire.
I feel so terribly tired.
(audience giggling)
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- Well, to tell you
the truth Wanda,
I don't feel so tired now.
- I saw you when you
played a strip-teaser
in that movie Gilda.
- But all I took
off was my glove.
- I know, but you've
got a better build
in your little finger than
I've got in my whole body.
(laughing)
You laugh.
- A can make a
tom-tom with my shoes.
- Hey listen, on Marcus Welby
you've had a lot of
famous people as patients.
Have you ever had
a famous comedian?
- Yeah, we had Henny Youngman.
We took two X-rays.
One like this,
and one like this.
(car door closing)
(barking)
- Nurse.
- Yeah, what is it?
- Can you bring me something
that will make me feel better?
- How about a priest?
- Wanda, my love.
Wanda, my little flower.
The master has a present
for you, little surprise.
Come on in.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, how lovely, pressed flowers.
- Yes, it makes a change from
the pressed duck, doesn't it?
- Waiter, what's
good on the menu?
- Everything's good
on the menu madam,
it's what's on the plate
that's our problem.
- Jill, do you realize we've
done about 100 Laugh In shows?
- I don't know how you do it.
That's like being married to
the same man for 50 years.
- What do you mean?
- Well it's an hour of
laughs, once a week.
- Frank Sinatra.
Sinatra.
Oh, I've torn some
Ma Bell property.
(audience laughing)
Okay. S, S.
Oh here it is, in the yellow
pages under swingers.
(snorts)
One ring-a-ding-ding.
Two ring-a-ding-ding.
Oh gracious, good afternoon.
Is this the Sinatra residence?
Are you his maid?
Oh, your his girl Friday.
Well, what about Saturday
and Sunday? (snorts)
A little phone company humor
for swinging lovers, sweetie.
So why don't you
put Frankie boy on.
Oh gracious, good afternoon.
Is this Mr. Frank Sinatra?
(snorts)
Oh Mr. Sinatra.
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Why thank you.
Why thank you so much for
asking, but I don't have bird.
- How about that headline, Dick.
- What's it all about?
- Well according to
the Los Angeles Times,
the United States
government rents land
in Nevada for $100 a year to a
woman who runs a bawdy house.
- You mean Uncle Sam is a madam?
- And a lot of people
are complaining about it.
- Well I don't know what
they're complaining about,
it's making more money
than their whole post office.
- What's a bawdy house
got to do with a post office?
- Well, they have
the same model.
- The same model?
- Neither sleet nor
rain, nor snow nor hail,
shall stop the American male.
- No, I'm calling Mr. Sinatra,
about an unpaid bill.
And I was wondering
what you're going to
doobie-doobie-doobie-do
about it. (snorts)
Oh, well I'd love
to do it your way,
but it's against phone
company regulations.
- I sure feel sorry
for Ronald Reagan.
You know he paid an accountant
to figure out his income tax.
And for what? For nothing.
- Say, the Democratic Convention
is in Miami this year, isn't it?
- Shh, they don't
want Hubert to find out.
- Mr. Sinatra, I
realize you're retired,
but you must be doing
something to make ends meet.
Oh, oh how nifty.
Mr. Sinatra, you make
me feel so young. (snorts)
Get it? Oh, I'm hip, I'm hip.
Look, it's quarter-to-three,
there's no one in the place
Except you and, what's that?
I beg your pardon.
Well I certainly am not.
I'll have you know I am
a high school graduate.
And Mr. Sinatra, just
because you and Ma Bell
are having a tiff,
is no reason why we should be
Strangers in the
night, Exchanging
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Oh, darn it. For a second there
I had such high hopes. (snorts)
I thought it was gonna
be A very good year
(snorts)
Oh Ernestine, you've
got a set a of pipes on you.
The bod's hot tonight. (snorts)
- Here's another safety tip.
Never have open heart surgery
performed on
yourself or a loved on
in one of the booths
of the farmer's market.
- Miss Pullman?
My name is Perry Lafferty.
Perry Lafferty
Did you you hear that friends?
His name is Perry Lafferty
- And I have a problem.
- Oh. (laughs)
- He has a problem.
Did you hear that?
- I just said that.
Anyway, see, yesterday
I was wandering
aimlessly down the street,
when I came to The Mission.
- The Mission. The
Salvation Army Mission,
on Sixth and Main.
- Oh no, no, The
Mission Bar and Grill
on Third and Elm.
- Oh did you hear
that foul name?
Mission Bar and Grill.
- Sure I heard
it, I just said it.
So anyway, I was
tempted to go in.
- But you realized
that this was just a,
a substitute
for the true values in life.
- Yeah, well, I
thought about that,
you know, while I was
sitting there sipping my drink.
See, but suddenly an
inspiration came to me.
- Oh.
Oh. (laughs)
An inspiration.
Oh, did you hear that word?
Inspiration.
Describe the
inspiration you saw.
- Oh, she was about 45,
hot pants, see through blouse.
- Oh, but you
didn't speak to her?
- Oh no, I spoke
just to the bartender.
- Ah, you sought moral support
from him.
What did you say to him?
- I said, "Joe, see
what the lady will have."
- I see, you were solicitous
as far as she was concerned.
- Oh no, no. She was solicitous.
I was concerned.
- And that's your
problem - Oh no.
No see, my real
problem is my wife.
- No, your real
problem is your wife.
- She has this one bad habit.
- She has this one bad habit.
- She repeats everything I say.
- Some girls in Hollywood
make a name for themselves
by the way they
dress, or vice versa.
- Rita, what do you like best?
- Hip-Huggers.
- You mean those
short, tight pants?
- No, I mean those
short, tight men.
(metallic ringing)
(tires screeching)
- Nurse.
What's for lunch.
- Hamburger.
- Is it good hamburger?
- It's got a better chance of
pulling through than you have.
- Waiter, does your chef use
any artificial preservatives?
- He must madam, he's over 90.
- And now, it's time
for our new department,
I'm Never Wrong.
What? It isn't time?
Sorry, I'm wrong.
- We try to be as accurate as
possible on Marcus Welby, M.D.
There's always a doctor
on the set to give us pointers.
- Oh, you mean like how
you should hold a scalpel?
- No, how we should
hold a seven iron.
- Ugh, Rita Hayworth.
You look absolutely
sensational in Gilda.
Do you still have that
low cut, sexy dress?
(laughing)
- Yes, but if you
wanna borrow it,
you're gonna have
to get your own shoes.
(ticking timer)
- Ugh, there's that dippy clock.
- What does that mean?
- Oh, nothing. Just
stand there on camera.
Not me, her. Her. Not me, her.
- Senator, at what point
do you think
unemployment will become
a serious problem
in this country?
- When they start
layin' off Senators.
- I got ties funnier
than that joke.
- Trying to find the
meaning of Laugh In
is like going to strip-tease
show blind-folded.
You know it's there somewhere,
but you just can't see it.
- Hey, can you tell me
how to get to Joe's Saw Mill?
First you go to the left
You go to the right
Make a turn at Orange
And stop at the light
Go over the bridge
And down the hill
Through the slums
And you'll reach the mill.
- I think that's the way.
- Right on, ma'am.
- Oh, how wonderful
it would have been
to marry a man like
Christopher Columbus.
Oh,
so nice.
He must have been
so cute. (snoring)
- Oh Christopher,
I wish you weren't
taking this crazy cruise.
- Great wild castanets,
think of the wonderful
things it will mean.
Number one,
it will benefit mankind forever.
- But you'll have to be
away from me for years.
(laughing - That's number two.
- Oh Christopher, please
don't go, don't leave me.
If you leave me,
who will kiss me
and hug me and
hold me in the night.
- Nobody, things will go
on just the same as they are.
- Hey, Jim, how did
you originally get the part
of Dr. Steven Kiley
on Marcus Welby?
Well actually it was a mistake,
I went to see the producer
about playing the lead
in the Buster Keaton story.
But he misunderstood
me when I said deadpan.
- Guy on the electric
chair, and the warden says,
"You can have anything
want to eat for your last meal."
He said, "I want mushrooms."
He says, "Mushrooms?"
He says, "Yeah, I was
always afraid to eat them."
- Have you always
dressed so flamboyantly?
- No darlin', I used to
dress very conservatively.
Just a simple skirt and blouse.
- Rita Hayworth television
pilot, Hollywood R-F-D.
Roll 'em.
(doorbell rings)
- Come in.
- Good evening, sir.
The employment agency sent me.
- Yes, you must be
the new chauffeur.
- Quite.
- You're gonna be driving
for Miss Laura Lamont.
- The movie star?
- No, the plumber.
Of course, the movie star.
Now listen, if you're
gonna be working with her,
there's something you
outta know about her.
She has a problem, you see.
She, uh.
She.
She, uh.
She.
- She drinks.
- Right. Right.
Now she's going to be
going to a preview tonight
with Lance Proudfoot.
- But sir, she can't even move.
- It is not to worry.
Quiet on the set everybody.
We are now ready for the
getting dressed scene. Action.
- I must retire to prepare
for tonight's gala function.
- That's quite an occasion.
- See, Laura always
pulls herself together
as long as she even thinks
there's a camera on her.
- Gentlemen, I'm ready now.
Will you see me to the table?
- An honor.
- That's amazing.
How do you snap her out of it?
Yell cut?
- Don't say cut.
Now I've gotta
start all over again.
Uh-oh, that's Lance.
You get him, I'll
take care of her.
Alright everybody we're ready
for the greeting
escort scene. Action.
- I'm ready to receive
Mr. Lance Proudfoot.
- Here let me, let me
help you with your makeup.
Where's Lance?
- Right behind me, sir.
- Where's what's her name?
It's an honor to be your escort.
- I'm sorry, the
evening is over.
Get this drunk out of here.
- Look at him, how
did he get like this?
- Don't blame it
on me this time,
I didn't even yell cut.
- Oh no.
- Nurse, when this
sedative wears off
that you've given
me, will I feel pain.
- Not a bit, that sedative
lasts for three hours.
And we figure you
at two and a half.
- Your tea is ready, sir.
- Ah, thank you Wanda, my love.
(crashing dishes)
- One lump, sir, or two?
- Waiter, waiter,
please need these pills.
Quick, quick, bring
me a glass of water.
- No sorry lady,
this ain't my table.
- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.
Rita, you were a delight.
- Nevermind that Rita,
which pilot did you pick?
- This one.
It's the only way to fly.
- Well, I guess you've
seen the end of Rita.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, I know Dick that
you went to a lot of trouble
writing those pilots, now you
haven't got anybody to do 'em.
- Oh, yes I have.
- Who?
- Her.
- Her? She can't act.
- Maybe not, but she'll
bring a new twist to the part.
- Which part is she gonna get?
- It doesn't matter,
what part I'm gonna get
is what I'm worried about.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- You gotta admit, she's
got a new approach to things.
- I said I don't
wanna hear about it.
- The only problem
is, you never know
whether she's making
an entrance or an exit.
Look, the poor girl is only
trying to make ends meet.
- Dick, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Permission to say
goodnight, master Dick?
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- Yes, say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [In Unison] Goonight, Dick.
- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen,
and thank you for being with us.
Now, stay tuned
for an instant replay
of the entire hour.
- Who would lose if an lion
got into a fight with a tiger?
- I don't know, who.
- The guy who
tries to break it up.
- Why does a lion,
why indeed does a
lion have a mane?
- Well Dick, because
he'd look pretty silly
with a New Hampshire
on his neck, huh?
- Larry, what do you call a lion
that leaps into your
bedroom at night?
- Sir.
- Oh Dan, I bled
all over your coat.
Why does a lion have red eye?
- I don't know, why
does a lion have red eye?
- Beats me, cupcake.
- Can I have the joke
about the red eyes?
- [Dick] Course you can.
- So it can hide
in a cherry tree.
- Al.
- What is it, Lar?
- Why do lions have long hair?
- Do know a barber
who's gonna trim it?
- When does a lion
go on a vacation?
- [In Unison] Any
old time he wants to.
(car doors closing and opening)
- I'd like to have
a television here,
but I don't have any
medical insurance
and I can't afford it.
- Listen, run up a big bill.
You're not gonna be
paying for it anyway.
- Oh really?
Well, get me a broad then.
- While some people claim that
a few of the jokes on
Laugh In are pre-historic,
I think everyone will agree
they're all pre-recorded.
(single person clapping)