Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 22 - Episode #5.22 - full transcript
(audience applauds)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we're very delighted
to have back for her third
appearance on our show.
- The sweet and lovable
regular girl next door.
- That's right, Miss
Debbie Reynolds!
- Oh ho ho! (audience applauds)
- Hello Dick, hi Dan.
- Hi, Debbie.
- I certainly am.
(laughs) Oh dear.
- Dick, I think Debbie's
slightly under the weather.
- No she's not, she's
bombed out of her tree.
- Tree, what tree?
- So Debbie, whatever
happened to that girl
that was so sweet and wholesome?
- Oh, I can wholesome.
I can hold some
more if you want me to.
- Debbie, I didn't
know you drank booze.
- Oh, oh I never touch the
stuff, this is the first time.
- Well why are you drinking?
- I'm drinking to forget.
- Forget what?
- Forget I gotta
do this show again.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- It is not true
that I am short,
it is merely that
I'm a New Yorker,
and wherever I stand, Con
Edison digs a hole under me.
- I'd like a copy of...
- Shh!
- Sorry, I'd like a copy of
Myra Breckinridge please.
- Before or after?
- Hello Chief, why is it
I've heard nothin'
all day but drums?
- Because Trumpet
Man no show up.
- So help me Paul
Revere, if you leave
the lights on in the
tower once more.
(audience laughs)
- I just got a new alligator
golf bag, and it's great!
Every time I hit a
ball on the water,
the bag goes in after it.
- Looks like trouble, we're
gonna have to lighten the load.
Take off your clothes.
(audience laughter)
Then I'll take mine off too.
- That'll help,
here, I'll help you.
- Well well, Mrs.
Bricker, don't you think
it's time you left
the reducing farm?
(audience laughter)
- Hi my lovey dove, my flower.
How would you
like the night off?
- Oh, I'd be very grateful, sir!
- Good.
If you're very grateful tonight,
you can have tomorrow night off.
- Johnny, what's your
most sentimental spiritual?
- Little Brown Jug.
- Little Brown Jug isn't
a sentimental spiritual.
- Oh I don't know,
two choruses and
one pull at the jug,
and I cry like baby.
- They no longer do
the Tammy movies
because this sweet,
innocent young girl
no longer reflects the
sophisticated age in
which we live.
Besides, somebody
got her in a family way.
- You know the trouble with you?
- What's that?
- You're always
looking for a fight!
- That's not true.
(upbeat whimsical music)
- Bert, don't put the hat
on the bed, it's bad luck.
- Not tonight it isn't, kiss me.
(audience laughing)
- Well how are you
today, Mr. Alan?
- Fine, listen I'd
like my deposit back
on this empty please.
- Well I'd be more than happy.
I'm awful sorry but I
can't give you a deposit
on a broken bottle.
- Hey Terry, you sure make a
lot of funny moves and sounds.
- Oh well yes.
I can do this.
I can do the whoa, whoa.
And you know
even with all of that,
I've never been asked to
appear before the queen.
(audience laughing)
- What'll you have Tommy?
- Hi, Georgine.
Let me have what
I had last night.
- Lucky for you it's still here.
(audience laughing)
- Now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Bird Sanctuary
and Hot Rod drag strip, NBC,
the not-basically-concentrating
network forgets again
to prevent Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
starring the constantly
occupied Dan Rowan.
And the completely
beaten Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Debbie Reynolds.
And Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
And Lily Tomlin.
Dennis Alan.
Anne Elder.
Barbara Sharma.
Richard Dawson.
Larry Hovis.
And Moosie Drier.
And cameo appearances
by Charlie Callas.
Zack Froter.
Johnny Cash.
Dick Travis.
Hearst Mustin and Tinie Smith.
And me, I am Gary
Owens with an easy way
for you to repay all those
debts you keep incurring.
Keep on borrowing.
- Abby, are these new dishes?
- No, Gladys, I
just washed them in
new improved Goy detergent.
- I can see my reflection.
(glass shattering)
- There are some
strange things in the world
that cannot be explained.
Things that nobody understands
and here are two of
them, Rowan and Martin.
(audience applauding)
- We're a small crowd
here of good men.
- Indeed.
- Tonight we're gonna
have a great show.
- Show? Show,
hold it just a second.
- What do you mean?
- That's right here,
show, show, under N.
- Under, show under N?
- Well it's NBC isn't it?
- That's true.
So you've got Finnisters Waldt's
Fountain of Little Known
Facts there with you tonight.
- And what a book it is.
- Yeah.
- I was just reading about
Polo, let's see, I'll show ya.
M, M.
- Polo is under M?
- Sure, Marco Polo.
- Marco.
He's a very famous venusians.
- Oh?
- Yeah you know where
venusians come from?
- Blinds.
(audience laughing)
- He's a gentlemen from Venice.
Yes, traveled through China,
brought back silks, spices.
Even spaghetti and gun powder.
- I gotta try that sometime.
- What's that?
- Spaghetti and gun powder.
Yeah we have spaghetti
and Parmesan cheese.
- No, no, no, come
on now, the world owes
a lot to Marco Polo.
- I know, it says right
here that he invented
a great game.
- A great game?
- Well let's see.
Yeah, one day there was
a fire in the castle you see.
And the king yelled, "Quick,
get some water, Polo."
(audience laughing)
- The game he invited was.
- Hide and go seek.
He didn't want anything
to do with the fires.
- I don't blame him.
How many stories from
gems you got in there?
- Well let's see, here's
one that tells about
the invention of the airplane.
Just a second.
P, P.
- For plane?
- No, for propeller.
- For propeller.
- They didn't have
jets in those days.
- Oh, well otherwise
they'd be under "Y".
- Here it is.
The three Wright brothers.
Right there.
- Wait a minute.
What do you mean, the three,
there were only two Wright
brothers, Orville and Wilbur.
- Wrong.
- Wrong?
- Right here, there
was also Irving.
He was actually
the first man to fly.
- Never heard of Irving Wright.
- Well that's because Orville
and Wilbur were so clever.
Well they were very smart guys.
In the first place they
were smart enough
to invent the airplane.
- Yes they did.
- Second thing that
they did was smart,
they got Irving to fly it.
- Well if that's true.
And I'm not saying
it is but if it's true,
how come nobody's ever
heard of Irving Wright?
- Well that's the funny
thing about that, you see.
- Why don't you
tell me, I hope so.
- Well just as Irving was
getting off the ground.
A hoist right behind
him was heard to say,
"Senior, take this
invention to Cuba."
- That was the first air craft.
- The Burbank Zoo
will be closed tomorrow
because the duck died.
(classical music)
- Debbie, you ought
to hold it down, gang,
I wanna talk to Debbie here.
I understand Howard
Hughes has just
spent the last few
years writing his life story.
- Yes and it's scheduled
to be published next year
and then hidden book
stores all over the country.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
(laughing)
- You know I found an
ideal spot for my office,
it's right between
the golf course
and the most dangerous
traffic intersection in town.
(classical music)
- Dick.
I bet you look upon me
as nothing but a sex object.
- No I also admire your
ability to read minds.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- You know my father is
really a sentimental old fool.
At the wedding he
just stood there crying
all over his shotgun.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Senator, do you
think the people in
this country are uninformed?
Or just not concerned?
- I don't know and I don't care.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Some people say the church
reminds them of Ronald Regan.
We've gone through many changes.
We're a bit conservative.
And last year we didn't
pay any state taxes either.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
- In old days Braves
would put paint on their face
and go out looking for squaws.
Nowadays, if a Brave
puts paint on his face
he goes out looking for Braves.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- You know Ecuador has
an interesting economy.
Last year they made
hundreds of thousands of dollars
on the tuna industry,
all they caught were 17
American fishing boats.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey toots, sugs.
Did I ever tell ya
that you're a pragdib?
- No.
- Well at least I don't
need my eyes checked.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Woo!
My girlfriend just
had silicone shots.
- [Cast Members] Did it work?
- Woo!
Did it work?
Yesterday we went
on a bicycle built for two
and she sat on the rear seat
and I had to sit on
the handlebars, woo!
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Yesterday I went down
to the Internal Revenue
and the agent said he
wanted to go over my form.
What a mistake I made.
How did I know he
meant my tax form.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- In order to
facilitate negotiations,
I understand President
Nixon presented Chi Ing Lai
with a number of proposals
and told him to choose
one from column A
and another from column B.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
(audience applauding)
- We gotta think
of a party, Richard,
I saw Mickey Rooney
fall in the swimming pool.
- Oh did you pull him out?
- Yeah, but he was too small,
I had to throw him back in.
(audience laughing)
- I'll never forget
the time my father
asked me what I wanted
to be when I grew up.
That was last week.
- Give me a E, give me
a C, give me a C-H-O.
Give me a echo, give me
a echo, give me a echo.
- Johnny what does a man
do who's been in the country
in Western Field for 20 years?
- He cleans his shoes a lot.
- Georgine.
I can't think of anything
worse than standing behind
the counter slinging hash.
- I can, sitting in front
of this counter eating it.
- Bert, what do you
think about going
on a second honeymoon?
- Well I think if we
do it'll take us longer
than the first one.
- Aren't you, you, yes you are.
Aren't you Charlie Callas?
- Would anybody who
wasn't Charlie Callas
walk around with this face?
- Organized crime in America.
Take the fifth.
- If there's one piece
of advice I would give
to aspiring young actresses,
it would be when
you go to a producers
office for an interview.
Don't eat his Scotch
tape because you'll
be stuck for something to say.
- Tonight on Animal Corner,
we are talking to Mr. Kangaroo.
Welcome Mr. Kangaroo.
- I've got some hops, do
you know what I mean?
Oh thank you, you know
I came here all the way,
would you get this one,
all the way from Sydney.
- Australia?
- No, Schwartz,
just down the street.
- That's not too far.
- No it's just a hop and a jump.
- Well listen I just wanna
ask you a few questions now.
- Oh go ahead
just blurt em' out.
You know what I mean?
If it's in your heart,
just let em' blurt.
Blurty blurt.
- Now do you have...
- Do you like butter?
Oh I'm sorry.
- Do you have any children?
- No, besides they
make me jumpy.
I don't have the stomach for it.
Now would you look
it, moving with that little
pouch down there.
Actually it's just got
all socks in there,
I left her about
three weeks ago,
I don't ever wanna
see my wife again.
- Yes.
Now sir, when a
mother kangaroo isn't
carrying around
children, what does she do
with her pouch?
- She makes a nice planter.
You know put cacti in there.
Sticky sticky.
- Well listen, what is
life like in Australia?
- The weather's been terrible.
Just awful, you know, it's
winter there and summer here.
Winter here and summer there.
Summer there, summer
there, yee yi, yee I oh.
Winter there, summer,
turn, turn, bam, squat.
It'll come back.
- Oh I love that.
Listen, what do
you call that dance?
- Why, that's the bunny hop.
Throw your hat away,
you're gonna away
and come away with me.
- Well listen that's
it for Animal Corner.
- Come on, we could
have a lot of fun.
Would you like to
see me freaky try?
- Do you know I've six live
alligators in my swimming pool.
- Isn't that dangerous?
- Why, I haven't
had one drowned yet.
Debbie won't you teach
me how to Charleston?
I just love to learn
that funny 20's dance
Dennis it's a snap to
learn the Charleston
'Cause all you need to
know is poo-pooidy-doop
Du-Wa-Ka-Doo
maybe a boaty old doe
A right foot forward
left foot back
Shake your shoulders
ball in the check
Isn't it a biggy like twiggy
You're doing the Charleston.
Charleston?
Charleston Move the
elbows bend the knees
Some of those and some of these
Gonna be a loser Not you, sir
You're doing the Charleston
Two parts jazz to one part sin
Bootleg hoochin' bathtub gin
Smoke that turkey cigarette
Just how vampy can you get?
When your skies are looking back
Bring those
roarin' pretties back
Like a handicapper And flapper
We're doing the Charleston,
Charleston, Charleston
Sing a song that's not too new
Like I wanna be loved by you
Do the Charleston to the to
Lots of love and pretty soon
Habba dabba dabba
dabba honeymoon
Right forward left foot back
Shake the shoulders
bow in the check
Like a Valentino It's Kino
Like a Clara bow
girl, go, go girl
It'll be a hoot, a howl, a wow
It's Charleston, we're
doing the Charleston
We're doing the
crazy Charleston now
Do do doin' it now, woo
(audience applauding)
- I don't know why they asked
me to play Captain Weird.
There's nothing
strange about me.
- Hey.
Is that New York down there?
- Must be, look at
all those red Chinese.
(audience laughing)
- Bert, what is the
most significant thing
that happened to you today?
- I lived through it.
- It's so good that we
can sit here as brothers
and smoke the peace pipe.
(audience laughing)
- Don't ever do that again.
We can be friends but.
- Burbank has some things
in common with New York,
I mean for example
the Long Island railroad
doesn't run here either.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Georgine.
There's a hole
in this hamburger.
- Hey dumbass,
the burgers are not a doughnut.
- Zach, you've been a student
at Comedy for a long time.
What's the funniest
thing you've ever heard?
- John Connolly trying
to explain phase two
to Spiro Agnew.
- Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
You've been
sleeping for 100 years.
- You've waked me
because you love me.
- No because you're snoring.
(audience laughing)
- Permission to borrow
your lap dog, sir?
- Hiya, Sue.
Do people kid you much by
calling you a boy named Sue?
- No, each man
only does it once.
- Really? (audience laughing)
- Alright gang, we're
gonna take a look
at the mod world of literature.
- Marvelous.
- You like literature?
- Yes, as a matter of fact I
have just become an author.
- Is that so?
- Yes, I wrote a.
- Book?
- Book.
It's a cook book
as a matter of fact.
- You wrote a cook
book? You can't cook.
- You bet your
sweet fondue I can.
- Oh you can cook?
- Indeedy do, I
happened to of created
the world famous Ragu Alimartin.
- Ragu, what is that?
- Well you see
it's 12 grapefruits,
three Kosher pickles,
nine pounds of leechy nuts.
A scoop of vanilla
fudge ice cream.
And a pinch of salt.
- Good heavens.
- Two dozen eggs.
- Oh there's more.
- A head of lettuce.
Six pounds of mozzarella cheese.
- Mozzarella?
- A large olive.
And a goat.
- Well that sounds terrible.
- I don't know, the
goat was crazy about it.
- He would have
to be crazy about it.
- Yeah but you know my Ragu
cannot compare with
my chicken surprise.
- It can't huh? What's
the chicken surprise?
- Well it could be a rooster
that looks like Cary Grant.
It could be a nine
pound egg with corners.
- Now what is this
chicken surprise?
What's this chicken surprise?
- Well in my book
the chicken surprise
is a grilled cheese sandwich.
- Well there's no
chicken in that.
- That's the surprise.
- That's the surprise.
But the best part of the
book is under chapter four.
Desserts.
- Desserts under chapter four?
- The most difficult one to make
is a chocolate mouse.
- That's mousse.
- Mousse.
Mousse right.
- Chocolate mousse.
What's so difficult about that?
- Well the real
difficult thing is to get
the moose to stand still while
you pour chocolate over him.
Still looks like a mouse.
- Probably tastes a
lot, while you're cooking
up this nonsense I'm
going to go on to the mod
world of literature.
- Hey great, didn't I read
about that someplace?
- I doubt it.
- Where can I find?
Where can I find something
by William Buckley?
- Go straight down this
isle and make a radical
turn to the right.
(audience laughing)
- They say the pen is
mightier than the sword but
I don't know, I think
the Three Musketeers
could beat up Truman Capote.
- See the phone rings.
See Dick answer the phone.
Answer the phone, Dick,
see Dick talk into the phone?
Hello? Hello?
- There it is, I finished.
- What is it, dear?
- It's my latest invention.
I call it the type writer.
Let me show you how it works.
That's for me, I'll get it.
Hello?
Hello?
- Hello there I'm here
with Mrs. Bertha Wiggins.
Author of the new best seller,
The Sensuous Sex Maniac.
Actually done all those
things it says in your book?
- Yes, yes I have.
- That's incredible.
Would you mind telling
the viewers your age.
- Not at all.
I'm 26.
- You know there
are some things that
just can't be
learned from books.
- I know.
I read that somewhere.
- Excuse me, do you
have any books on etiquette
and good manners?
- No we don't, stupid.
- Hope you like,
do not get Quinn.
As darkness crept in,
the fiend (chirping).
Moved closer to
his newfound prey.
And suddenly from the woods,
Robin Hood sent an arrow.
And got him out of the way.
- Barbara,
I'd like to get a
gift for a friend.
- Well, how about a book?
- No.
He's already got a book.
- Harry.
Come and taste the stew.
- What you need for
that stew is a cook book.
- Maybe you're right.
It'll go great with the stew.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, book lovers, now.
I should like to point
out some of the basic
literary similarities
between John Gallsworthy
and William Forsight.
Now the Fockner saga
by William Forsight.
Excuse me I meant of
course the Forsight saga
by William Forsight.
Or William Forsight
started by William Fockner
was of course really
written by John Gallsworthy.
I mean Gallsworthy
rather than Forsighter
as Fockner sought
that is Forsight.
Alright as the author
of the Fockner saga
that is the Forsight saga
of William Gallsworthy
or rather John Gallsworthy.
Gallsworthy was a
writer of work equal
to the worth of worthy
writers like Esra Pound
and Roger Biggin.
And everybody today of
course knows the worth
of a pound of bacon.
- Debbie.
I only missed one of
your Tammy movies
and I feel very bad.
- Oh well why do you feel bad,
because you've missed
one of my Tammy movies?
- Well because my
parents made me go
to all the rest of them.
- Good evening
my fellow librarians.
(hushing)
- Here you are, sir.
The autobiography
of Lawrence Wilk.
But it's due back in two weeks.
- Is there any penalty if I
don't get it back on time?
- Yes you have to keep it.
- Well what'd you think of
the mod world of literature?
- Well I didn't see it I was
too busy in the kitchen with
caught having
coffee with a Danish.
I think her name was
Engai, I'm not sure.
(doorbell ringing)
- Telegram for
Mrs. David Tebett.
- Oh yes that's me.
Well I haven't got my glasses
could you read it for me?
- Oh yes ma'am.
- Thank you.
- Dear Judy,
have run off to
Mexico with secretary.
Divorce papers to
follow, your ex-husband.
- How dare him.
That lousy two timing trom.
Do you know why he
send me this telegram?
'Cause he didn't have the
guts to tell me in person.
And you know if he did,
you know what I'd do?
I'd take him and I'd
throw him against the wall.
And you know that lousy
dame he ran away with him?
You know what I'd do to her?
I'd cripple the little girl.
I'd grab her on the head.
Then I'd take that lousy
two timing husband and I'd
grab him by the
coat and I'd throw him
against the wall.
Do you blame me?
- Oh no I don't blame you.
- Oh so you think
that my husband is a
no good rotten punk?
- I don't even
know your husband.
- How dare you stick your
nose into my personal business.
Get out of here!
There's a quarter tip.
Say.
Say there.
Now that I look a little closer.
And my husbands out
of town for the weekend.
What are you doing today?
- Nothin'.
- Where would you like to go?
- How 'bout the fights?
- [People] Sandy
coming, Sandy coming,
Sandy coming, Sandy coming,
Sandy coming, Sandy coming,
Sandy coming, Sandy coming.
It's great to be
here on Laugh-In
Where all of the
people are loved
Doing the new song
And then a quickie
We will swap a joker
to the dance defeat
- Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
Why do dogs wag their tail?
- Because when they wag
their heads they get dizzy.
- Do you think that
you were home free?
We'll meet the guy at
the democratic convention.
- Only if they
don't nominate him.
- Anne, who would you
say is greatest nuclear
physicist who ever lived?
- Errol Flynn.
- He wasn't a nuclear physicist.
- I know but boy did he live.
- My aunt, my aunt
tried washing her hair
with an egg shampoo
but the water was too hot
and she got poached.
- Yes dear, what is it?
- Well now who,
who fought a lot of
battles but never won any?
- I don't know, who?
- Alexander the Near Great.
- Harold.
I went to buy some
spray deodorant
and they sold me
hairspray instead.
- Were you angry?
- I was up in arms for weeks.
- What Lil?
- My brother went to Denmark
for a very secret operation.
- Oh well was your brother's
operation successful?
- I don't know, you'll
have to ask her.
- My wife is gonna
lose it because I can't
punch you in the mouth.
- Well what did you say?
Will you wait 'till I finish?
- Oh sure.
- Thank you.
But I called her out.
- Oh well then what did you say?
- I'm glad you asked,
I said if you leave me
I'm going to punch
you in your mouth.
- What's the best way
to stop a runaway horse?
- Tell its mommy and daddy
to treat it better at home.
- Hey, Denny.
- You know, woo woo.
- Woo, woo.
- Woo, woo, woo, woo.
When I was in Las Vegas
I went into a barber shop
and I asked for a natural.
- And what happened?
- The barber shaved
a seven on my head.
Woo!
- Hey, when did
you meet your wife?
Huh?
You-hoo.
I wanna know when
did you meet your wife?
- April 3rd at 1:26
in the afternoon.
- Oh well how did you
remember the exact time?
- Easy, she's got a face
that could stop a clock.
- Oh say, say.
Say, what do rabbi's use
to gold up their trousers?
- Aborched belt.
- Woo!
- I went shopping yesterday
and bought a $100 item for $6.
- What was it?
- Listen, when you great
bargain like that you don't ask.
- And did you hear about the
Burbank news commentator?
He has to spend a full week
working on his instant analysis.
It's good to be back in Burbank
I miss it wherever I go
It's good to be here on Laugh-In
Be screaming our favorite show
I know it's really
our favorite show
(audience applauding)
- Johnny you know, I just loved
your hit, A Boy Named Sue.
Who wrote it?
- A girl named Ralph.
(audience laughing)
- Really Mr. President,
isn't this carrying phase two
a little too far?
(audience laughing)
- A friend of mine shaved
off his handle bar mustache
after some kid tried
to ride him to school.
- Oh Georgine.
I hate to see ya slinging
hash in a place like this
night after night.
For eight hours all you
do is nothing but sling hash.
- I don't mind, Tommy.
Can I get ya anything?
- Yeah let me have
some of that hash.
- They smoke on peace pipe.
- Thank you, Chief.
Oh here try a cigarette.
- See white man still
trying to kill Indian.
- Hey Ms. Pickett's
getting dizzy.
My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
My baby brother had the measles.
And he had little polka
dots all over his body.
And I took
a magic marker and I
connected all the dots.
And then Mamma gave me a
spanking and that's the truth.
- Jack I want you
tell me something.
- Yeah.
What is it?
What is it, Richard?
- Tell me, why, when
you always do your act
you always clap your hands.
- Well somebody has to.
(audience laughing)
- You know Queenie, I
figured that when I got
to be my age I'd be sitting in
a rocking chair doing nothin'.
- Well you were half right.
- Hello Honey, I'm home.
- Your dinner's on the stove.
- Beautiful.
How's the soup coming?
- [Bowl] It's alright.
(classical music)
- Ian has done it again.
- Yes, it's time once
again for the flying
fickle finger of fate.
- And who does
the discerning digit
of dubious doings go to tonight?
- Well sir, this is a
ring taled beauty,
our old friend congress gets it.
You see that headline?
They created a
temporary commission
for the standardization
of screw threads.
- I wouldn't touch that
with a 10 foot yard stick.
When did they create this
temporary commission?
- Well, according to the
National Inquire of 19,
of December 1971, the
commission was created in 1918.
- 1918?
- Yes.
- Well why are we
giving it to them now?
- Well sir, I'm glad
you asked that question
because there's still screwing
around with it 53 years
and millions of dollars later.
- You mean after all
that time and money
they still haven't
standardized those threads?
- Yep.
- Well it appears all
they've done is to give
the tax paper,
tax payer.
- Tax payer.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Three times a year they attend
the international conference
of the standardization
of screw threads.
- Yeah but you know
those conferences.
I bet all they do is sit around
and drink screwdrivers.
Why was the commission
started in the first place?
- Another good, you're full
of good questions tonight.
Well to make sure that
all the nuts and bolts
of our World War I weapons
to fit together properly
and supposedly not to
cause the public a red scent,
it's a fact.
- I know.
Well then to the congress
and its commission,
why don't you spend a
few more millions of dollars
and years and see if
you can standardize this.
- Right on.
- You know Alex, twice a week
I go to the gym and work out.
- With dumbbells?
- Well not usually but
maybe in your case
I'll make an exception.
- Here I am.
- I didn't know we were
going formal tonight.
- Well Tiny Tim and his muscle.
- [Man] Yes, Ms. Louis?
- This must be a
happy day for you guys
to be here taking
your new baby home.
- Oh yes we're very happy.
- By the way, where is baby?
- Right here.
We planned to have three.
One of each.
- Even now my dear
mother is still teaching me
to be a more proper person.
She is always reminding
me how important it is
to respect the elderly.
Luckily for me I keep
the old bitty chained
up in the cellar.
- I'm tired of making this run.
Week after week with
nothing to look at but sand.
Sand and more sand.
I'm sure looking
forward to my vacation.
- Where do you think
you're gonna go, Coop?
- Well I think I'll
go to the beach.
- You will meet a
tall, dark stranger.
Oh no, no, no,
no, no, I'm sorry.
I meant a tall, dark, strangler.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- American Medical Association.
- Every morning
for the past 20 years
you have buried the
behind that morning paper.
I'm getting sick and
tired of it you hear huh?
(audience laughing)
- Hey Queenie, remember
when we first heard that joke?
- Nope, I can't recall
anything that far back.
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department.
What?
House ransacked?
Where is it?
13 Willaby Place,
say that's my house.
Operator get me the police.
- I love to wonder
in my rose garden
and watch the many
beautiful butterflies
fluttering about the flowers.
The butterflies think
of me as their friend.
Many times one will
land on my finger.
And I immediately
feed it to my frog.
(audience laughing)
- When planting roots this
season on Monday's, Wednesday's
and Friday plant them on
the left side of your property.
On Tuesday, Thursday and
Saturday use alternate roots.
- Hey, didn't anyone tell ya
check out time is one o'clock.
- This is Teddy.
This is Teddy.
- Tell me Johnny, where did
you learn to play the guitar?
- Right here on the
end of my fingers.
- Our contestant Mrs.
Brushaw is now sealed
in the isolation booth.
Now that she is in there,
Mrs. Shaw is
completely isolated,
no one can help her.
(audience laughing)
- Laugh-In offered to
furnish me free transportation,
you know from my
hotel here to the studio
but then they had to cancel
when one of the wheels
fell off their roller skate.
- President Nixon
says he's gonna
put a stop to the bombing.
It's about time somebody
did something about Laugh-In.
- Let's seal our treaty with
a smoke on peace pipe.
- You know Chief,
somehow I do not think
you are being sincere.
- Bert, will you still
love me when my hair
has turned completely grey?
- Why not? I didn't
stop loving you
when it happened to your skin.
- Debbie how did you
manage to get all those
roles where you played a lovely,
delicate, charming sweetheart?
- Well whenever another
girl auditioned for the part
I'd punch her in the gabanzo.
(audience laughing)
- Well now really Senator
Proxmire, I know it's cheap.
I know it's quiet.
But do you really think
it'll replace the SST?
East side and west
side all over the town
We sell the dailies of
broadside and down
Freezing our toes off
And wearing out shoes
There's no sweep folks,
we'll bring out a news
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
There's no way the old news is
Misterfy, terrify,
helping confuse
The paper's got to
give you our views
Extra extra la da di extry
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dick and with Dan
(audience applauding)
- [Narrator] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Bobby Sherman
singing a song.
Eddie Fisher asking
what went wrong.
President Nixon
playing ping pong
and Milton Berle's
dress still too long.
- Dan, Dan?
Dan?
And now here's Dick
with news of the present.
(audience laughing)
Date line New York,
your leader publisher
of childrens books has
decided to update the classics
in order to make
children more aware
of such current issues
as population control
and the numerality.
The first title released
this week has, was,
Hansel and Gretel ted analysis.
- That's the first release.
You owe me 20.
- Those of the present
date line Apron, Ohio.
- Akron.
- Is that close?
A leading tire manufacturer
announced today
a breakthrough that will
revolutionize the industry.
- [Rowan] What was it?
- Well it was a, they have
combined silicon and rubber
producing a tire
with a fantastic figure
that won't go flat.
- And now for news of
the future, here's Danny.
- Thank you, Dicky.
- [Dick] Danny K that is.
- Danny K's not here.
- Okay then you better read it.
- I may as well.
News of the future
1973 dateline Houston.
Members of the League
of American Indians
were evicted form
the Astrodome today
where they were holding
their first annual convention,
authorities took
the action following
the tribal rain dance.
A spokesman for
the Astrodome stated,
it started raining in here
right after they finished
and it hadn't let up since.
(audience laughing)
That rain dancing, it is hereby.
News of the future
20 years from now,
space officials have finalized
plans for the three year
manned flight to Mars.
They will not permit any
woman to make the flight.
However they have
compromised somewhat
by changing the re-entry
pattern so that the splashdown
will now take place
somewhere in a Los
Angeles massage parlor.
News of the future
10 years from now,
after extensive
investigation experts today
stated the voice prints
of Howard Hughes
taken from a phone
interview with news man
were definitely not those
of the mystery millionaire.
Positive identification
has been made however
and the voice has been
unquestionably declared to be
that of either Amelia
Earhart, Judge Crator
or Wayne Newton.
(audience laughing)
- And now for
kids news for kids,
we take you to Moosie
Drier in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
I was sick with the cold.
It was terrible.
I had to stay in bed and watch
television for a whole week.
And my mother made
me eat ice cream.
And I couldn't do
any of my chores.
Like cleaning up the
backyard or going to the store.
And besides all that,
I had to stay home from school.
Now I'm all better.
But only until I can
catch another cold.
Back to you, Dan.
- Now for the story in progress,
we switch you to our
on the spot reporter.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're standing here
across the street from
the Fourth National bank
where a robbery
has just taken place.
Now you were inside when
the hole occurred, is that right?
- Yes I was.
- Can you tell us what happened?
- Well of course I was, it
was so exciting because
there were so many, the
people where their knees
were just knocking
and we had to put our,
you know when you
put your hands like,
well it's not, you can
never tell what's gonna,
when you have your,
when they give you a,
when they go over your,
when the person who's,
when you've got a pistol in your,
when it's pointing, it
was so, it was something,
it was an experience,
I can't even, I'm flat
but Frank I think I got
away with about
200,000 big boys.
- Hi.
Busy Buzzi here tattling
around Tinseltown
with the lowdown on
the latest legal hassle.
Producer Sam Metro is
fighting the movie censors
over his latest flick.
Sam claims that only one
scene in his entire picture
contains any nudity at
all and that the actors
are fully clothed throughout
the other entire scene.
That's it tonight
from Tinseltown.
Was about to say tata and kissy.
Fully clothed for the
other entire scene.
- You know Hollywood
is still pretty much
like it used to be.
You still see stars walking
around in those wild hairstyles
and mink coats and
diamond earrings.
Only now they're leading men.
- We're here
talking to Mr. Blogs
who claims to be
the world's foremost
authority on Shakespeare.
- I want corrective
on how everything
Christian and I were
about Malto Shakespeare.
- Isn't that William
Shakespeare?
- Where, where?
I don't see him.
- Would you tell us Mr. Blogs,
which of Shakespeare's
plays do you like best?
- Well I'll tell you,
it's a toss up between
Romeo and Juliet
and Hello Dolly.
- But Shakespeare
didn't write Hello Dolly.
- Well in that case it
is a toss up between
Romeo and Juliet.
- Now today is yesterday
September 5th, 1620.
Extra extra la da di extra
Ladies and gentleman
Laugh-In looked at the news
(audience applauding)
- Debbie, you know
you're always so bouncy.
How come?
- Well when I was born
my father was disappointed,
he'd always wanted
to have a basketball.
- The vet accidentally
gave my dog a silicone shot.
And the next time
he bit the mail man,
the guy turned around, kissed
him and took him to lunch.
- Oh Georgine honey, I
don't like to complain but
the coffee is
black and it's cold.
- That's not your
coffee, that's your water.
Here's your coffee.
- Johnny when you
sing about railroads
I can feel that train
on those tracks.
And when you sing about
prisons I can feel those bars.
- Wanna hear a love song?
- I don't think we have smoked
the pipe of peace, Chief.
We made it.
What have you done
with my Colonel?
- Well let me put it this way,
you no longer have to
worry about dandruff.
- You know Bert, there was
certain advantages to old age.
- Like what Queenie?
- Well I don't have
to go to the dentist
every six months for a check up.
Just mail my teeth in.
- Same here.
- Charlie are you any
relation to Maria Callas?
- No I was named after the
other singer, Maria Charlie.
- Now for a study
in primitive man,
here's Laugh-In's
anthropology lady.
- I have a tooth which
came from the man
of low intelligence,
a large stomach area
and very little hair.
- Tell me, how can
you tell so very much
from just one tooth?
- Simple, it came from my
stupid, fat, bald husband.
(audience laughing)
- Listen Dick, thanks a
lot for coming on the show.
You know we have
some time available
if you ever want us
to help in your ratings
just let us know.
- Hey that's very nice,
how would you do it,
by going on Carson?
- Oh what a day, I can't
stand it out there, it's a jungle.
- Hello sweetie.
- Hello honey.
- Listen, dinner's almost ready.
- Oh really, I hope we're not
having brontosaurus today,
I had that for lunch.
- Oh no, no, I have found
some marvelous new things.
Oh here.
Drink this.
- What is it?
- It's called milk.
- Milk?
- I got it from that
cow over there.
- Where did he get it?
- No dear, a cow is a she.
You see those little things
hanging down from underneath?
Well you just go.
And the milk comes right out.
- And you expect
me to drink that?
- You'll love it.
Besides that it'll go
great with the eggs?
- Eggs? What's that?
- This is an egg.
- And you squeeze
this out of a cow?
- No it didn't come from a cow,
a chicken was sitting on it.
- You find this under a chicken
and I'm suppose to eat it?
Don't you peel it first?
- No silly, you break it open.
There, see?
And then you eat
all that stuff inside.
- Forget it.
- Forget it?
After all the trouble I went to.
- What trouble? You squeezed
a cow and you reached
under a chicken.
Horse feathers.
- Horse feathers?
Now you spoiled the
surprise for dessert.
- I can truthfully say
that here in Hollywood,
I know one major
female star whose done
dozens of nude scenes.
Some of them on the screen.
- Permission to slam a
percussion instrument
on me limbs, sir?
- Jack and Jill went up the
hill to fetch a pale of water,
now Jill is living all alone.
I guess her husband caught her.
- And now here's
Lily Sincere to sing,
I've Got the World
on a G String.
- How would you like to
hear the pat of little feet
around the house?
- Well at my age I'd
like to hear anything.
(audience laughing)
- Johnny you've had some
pretty hard times, haven't ya?
- I sure have, I can
remember when
all I had to eat
was left over beans.
- Is that when you were a child?
- No, that was this afternoon
at the NBC commissary.
- Charlie Callas.
Have you ever taken
up bodybuilding?
- Yeah, how could you tell?
- Well, yours looks home made.
- Debbie, do you like the way
that Caesar Romero dresses?
- Well I don't know, I've
never seen him dressing.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Okay but foyst.
- First.
- But First.
I wanna say good
luck to Curt Wallheim.
For the new Secretary
General of the UN.
- It's a very good idea,
you know this man faces
problems of intolerance,
political unrest, violence.
- And that's just
on the way to work.
He lives in New York.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight Mrs. Bricker.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dicky.
- What do you get when
you cross Shirley Temple
with Tody Fields?
- I don't know, what?
- Rebecca O'Sunny
Brook Fat Farm.
- Oh Barbara, my
little pristine doll.
What do you get when you cross
Howard Hughes, Howard
Hughes with Tiny Tim?
- What?
- An invisible man
with a high voice.
- Yes.
- Oh there you go.
Listen, what do you get
if you cross Robert Hall
with a kangaroo?
- A jump suit.
- A jump suit.
- Anne!
- What is it?
Hi.
- What do you get,
what do you get
when you cross a mafia
with a bad chest.
- What?
- Death.
(audience laughing)
- Ruth.
- What?
- What do you get
if you cross penicillin
with the Asian flu?
- A disease that cures
itself but an hour later
you're sick again.
- What is it?
- Yes?
- Politically speaking,
what do you get if
you cross George Wallace
with Sammy David Jr.?
- Strange bed pillows
with short sheets.
- Barbara?
- Yes?
- Say troubles.
What do you get if you
cross a night club comic
with a Xerox machine?
- Katie Youngman's act.
(audience laughing)
- [Cast Members]
Katie Youngman's act?
- That's unbelievable.
Who'd you call, Lily?
- What do you get if
you cross Thomas Moore
with a galloping gourmet?
- A man for all seasoning.
- What do you get when
you cross a clergy man
and an orchard with a man bull?
- I don't know, what do you get?
A parson and a pear tree.
- This program is pre-recorded,
however due to a
malfunction in our
pre-recording playback machine,
you are not watching the
program you are seeing.
(upbeat whimsical music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we're very delighted
to have back for her third
appearance on our show.
- The sweet and lovable
regular girl next door.
- That's right, Miss
Debbie Reynolds!
- Oh ho ho! (audience applauds)
- Hello Dick, hi Dan.
- Hi, Debbie.
- I certainly am.
(laughs) Oh dear.
- Dick, I think Debbie's
slightly under the weather.
- No she's not, she's
bombed out of her tree.
- Tree, what tree?
- So Debbie, whatever
happened to that girl
that was so sweet and wholesome?
- Oh, I can wholesome.
I can hold some
more if you want me to.
- Debbie, I didn't
know you drank booze.
- Oh, oh I never touch the
stuff, this is the first time.
- Well why are you drinking?
- I'm drinking to forget.
- Forget what?
- Forget I gotta
do this show again.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- It is not true
that I am short,
it is merely that
I'm a New Yorker,
and wherever I stand, Con
Edison digs a hole under me.
- I'd like a copy of...
- Shh!
- Sorry, I'd like a copy of
Myra Breckinridge please.
- Before or after?
- Hello Chief, why is it
I've heard nothin'
all day but drums?
- Because Trumpet
Man no show up.
- So help me Paul
Revere, if you leave
the lights on in the
tower once more.
(audience laughs)
- I just got a new alligator
golf bag, and it's great!
Every time I hit a
ball on the water,
the bag goes in after it.
- Looks like trouble, we're
gonna have to lighten the load.
Take off your clothes.
(audience laughter)
Then I'll take mine off too.
- That'll help,
here, I'll help you.
- Well well, Mrs.
Bricker, don't you think
it's time you left
the reducing farm?
(audience laughter)
- Hi my lovey dove, my flower.
How would you
like the night off?
- Oh, I'd be very grateful, sir!
- Good.
If you're very grateful tonight,
you can have tomorrow night off.
- Johnny, what's your
most sentimental spiritual?
- Little Brown Jug.
- Little Brown Jug isn't
a sentimental spiritual.
- Oh I don't know,
two choruses and
one pull at the jug,
and I cry like baby.
- They no longer do
the Tammy movies
because this sweet,
innocent young girl
no longer reflects the
sophisticated age in
which we live.
Besides, somebody
got her in a family way.
- You know the trouble with you?
- What's that?
- You're always
looking for a fight!
- That's not true.
(upbeat whimsical music)
- Bert, don't put the hat
on the bed, it's bad luck.
- Not tonight it isn't, kiss me.
(audience laughing)
- Well how are you
today, Mr. Alan?
- Fine, listen I'd
like my deposit back
on this empty please.
- Well I'd be more than happy.
I'm awful sorry but I
can't give you a deposit
on a broken bottle.
- Hey Terry, you sure make a
lot of funny moves and sounds.
- Oh well yes.
I can do this.
I can do the whoa, whoa.
And you know
even with all of that,
I've never been asked to
appear before the queen.
(audience laughing)
- What'll you have Tommy?
- Hi, Georgine.
Let me have what
I had last night.
- Lucky for you it's still here.
(audience laughing)
- Now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Bird Sanctuary
and Hot Rod drag strip, NBC,
the not-basically-concentrating
network forgets again
to prevent Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
starring the constantly
occupied Dan Rowan.
And the completely
beaten Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Debbie Reynolds.
And Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
And Lily Tomlin.
Dennis Alan.
Anne Elder.
Barbara Sharma.
Richard Dawson.
Larry Hovis.
And Moosie Drier.
And cameo appearances
by Charlie Callas.
Zack Froter.
Johnny Cash.
Dick Travis.
Hearst Mustin and Tinie Smith.
And me, I am Gary
Owens with an easy way
for you to repay all those
debts you keep incurring.
Keep on borrowing.
- Abby, are these new dishes?
- No, Gladys, I
just washed them in
new improved Goy detergent.
- I can see my reflection.
(glass shattering)
- There are some
strange things in the world
that cannot be explained.
Things that nobody understands
and here are two of
them, Rowan and Martin.
(audience applauding)
- We're a small crowd
here of good men.
- Indeed.
- Tonight we're gonna
have a great show.
- Show? Show,
hold it just a second.
- What do you mean?
- That's right here,
show, show, under N.
- Under, show under N?
- Well it's NBC isn't it?
- That's true.
So you've got Finnisters Waldt's
Fountain of Little Known
Facts there with you tonight.
- And what a book it is.
- Yeah.
- I was just reading about
Polo, let's see, I'll show ya.
M, M.
- Polo is under M?
- Sure, Marco Polo.
- Marco.
He's a very famous venusians.
- Oh?
- Yeah you know where
venusians come from?
- Blinds.
(audience laughing)
- He's a gentlemen from Venice.
Yes, traveled through China,
brought back silks, spices.
Even spaghetti and gun powder.
- I gotta try that sometime.
- What's that?
- Spaghetti and gun powder.
Yeah we have spaghetti
and Parmesan cheese.
- No, no, no, come
on now, the world owes
a lot to Marco Polo.
- I know, it says right
here that he invented
a great game.
- A great game?
- Well let's see.
Yeah, one day there was
a fire in the castle you see.
And the king yelled, "Quick,
get some water, Polo."
(audience laughing)
- The game he invited was.
- Hide and go seek.
He didn't want anything
to do with the fires.
- I don't blame him.
How many stories from
gems you got in there?
- Well let's see, here's
one that tells about
the invention of the airplane.
Just a second.
P, P.
- For plane?
- No, for propeller.
- For propeller.
- They didn't have
jets in those days.
- Oh, well otherwise
they'd be under "Y".
- Here it is.
The three Wright brothers.
Right there.
- Wait a minute.
What do you mean, the three,
there were only two Wright
brothers, Orville and Wilbur.
- Wrong.
- Wrong?
- Right here, there
was also Irving.
He was actually
the first man to fly.
- Never heard of Irving Wright.
- Well that's because Orville
and Wilbur were so clever.
Well they were very smart guys.
In the first place they
were smart enough
to invent the airplane.
- Yes they did.
- Second thing that
they did was smart,
they got Irving to fly it.
- Well if that's true.
And I'm not saying
it is but if it's true,
how come nobody's ever
heard of Irving Wright?
- Well that's the funny
thing about that, you see.
- Why don't you
tell me, I hope so.
- Well just as Irving was
getting off the ground.
A hoist right behind
him was heard to say,
"Senior, take this
invention to Cuba."
- That was the first air craft.
- The Burbank Zoo
will be closed tomorrow
because the duck died.
(classical music)
- Debbie, you ought
to hold it down, gang,
I wanna talk to Debbie here.
I understand Howard
Hughes has just
spent the last few
years writing his life story.
- Yes and it's scheduled
to be published next year
and then hidden book
stores all over the country.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
(laughing)
- You know I found an
ideal spot for my office,
it's right between
the golf course
and the most dangerous
traffic intersection in town.
(classical music)
- Dick.
I bet you look upon me
as nothing but a sex object.
- No I also admire your
ability to read minds.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- You know my father is
really a sentimental old fool.
At the wedding he
just stood there crying
all over his shotgun.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Senator, do you
think the people in
this country are uninformed?
Or just not concerned?
- I don't know and I don't care.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Some people say the church
reminds them of Ronald Regan.
We've gone through many changes.
We're a bit conservative.
And last year we didn't
pay any state taxes either.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
- In old days Braves
would put paint on their face
and go out looking for squaws.
Nowadays, if a Brave
puts paint on his face
he goes out looking for Braves.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- You know Ecuador has
an interesting economy.
Last year they made
hundreds of thousands of dollars
on the tuna industry,
all they caught were 17
American fishing boats.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey toots, sugs.
Did I ever tell ya
that you're a pragdib?
- No.
- Well at least I don't
need my eyes checked.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Woo!
My girlfriend just
had silicone shots.
- [Cast Members] Did it work?
- Woo!
Did it work?
Yesterday we went
on a bicycle built for two
and she sat on the rear seat
and I had to sit on
the handlebars, woo!
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- Yesterday I went down
to the Internal Revenue
and the agent said he
wanted to go over my form.
What a mistake I made.
How did I know he
meant my tax form.
(classical music)
(audience laughing)
- In order to
facilitate negotiations,
I understand President
Nixon presented Chi Ing Lai
with a number of proposals
and told him to choose
one from column A
and another from column B.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
(audience applauding)
- We gotta think
of a party, Richard,
I saw Mickey Rooney
fall in the swimming pool.
- Oh did you pull him out?
- Yeah, but he was too small,
I had to throw him back in.
(audience laughing)
- I'll never forget
the time my father
asked me what I wanted
to be when I grew up.
That was last week.
- Give me a E, give me
a C, give me a C-H-O.
Give me a echo, give me
a echo, give me a echo.
- Johnny what does a man
do who's been in the country
in Western Field for 20 years?
- He cleans his shoes a lot.
- Georgine.
I can't think of anything
worse than standing behind
the counter slinging hash.
- I can, sitting in front
of this counter eating it.
- Bert, what do you
think about going
on a second honeymoon?
- Well I think if we
do it'll take us longer
than the first one.
- Aren't you, you, yes you are.
Aren't you Charlie Callas?
- Would anybody who
wasn't Charlie Callas
walk around with this face?
- Organized crime in America.
Take the fifth.
- If there's one piece
of advice I would give
to aspiring young actresses,
it would be when
you go to a producers
office for an interview.
Don't eat his Scotch
tape because you'll
be stuck for something to say.
- Tonight on Animal Corner,
we are talking to Mr. Kangaroo.
Welcome Mr. Kangaroo.
- I've got some hops, do
you know what I mean?
Oh thank you, you know
I came here all the way,
would you get this one,
all the way from Sydney.
- Australia?
- No, Schwartz,
just down the street.
- That's not too far.
- No it's just a hop and a jump.
- Well listen I just wanna
ask you a few questions now.
- Oh go ahead
just blurt em' out.
You know what I mean?
If it's in your heart,
just let em' blurt.
Blurty blurt.
- Now do you have...
- Do you like butter?
Oh I'm sorry.
- Do you have any children?
- No, besides they
make me jumpy.
I don't have the stomach for it.
Now would you look
it, moving with that little
pouch down there.
Actually it's just got
all socks in there,
I left her about
three weeks ago,
I don't ever wanna
see my wife again.
- Yes.
Now sir, when a
mother kangaroo isn't
carrying around
children, what does she do
with her pouch?
- She makes a nice planter.
You know put cacti in there.
Sticky sticky.
- Well listen, what is
life like in Australia?
- The weather's been terrible.
Just awful, you know, it's
winter there and summer here.
Winter here and summer there.
Summer there, summer
there, yee yi, yee I oh.
Winter there, summer,
turn, turn, bam, squat.
It'll come back.
- Oh I love that.
Listen, what do
you call that dance?
- Why, that's the bunny hop.
Throw your hat away,
you're gonna away
and come away with me.
- Well listen that's
it for Animal Corner.
- Come on, we could
have a lot of fun.
Would you like to
see me freaky try?
- Do you know I've six live
alligators in my swimming pool.
- Isn't that dangerous?
- Why, I haven't
had one drowned yet.
Debbie won't you teach
me how to Charleston?
I just love to learn
that funny 20's dance
Dennis it's a snap to
learn the Charleston
'Cause all you need to
know is poo-pooidy-doop
Du-Wa-Ka-Doo
maybe a boaty old doe
A right foot forward
left foot back
Shake your shoulders
ball in the check
Isn't it a biggy like twiggy
You're doing the Charleston.
Charleston?
Charleston Move the
elbows bend the knees
Some of those and some of these
Gonna be a loser Not you, sir
You're doing the Charleston
Two parts jazz to one part sin
Bootleg hoochin' bathtub gin
Smoke that turkey cigarette
Just how vampy can you get?
When your skies are looking back
Bring those
roarin' pretties back
Like a handicapper And flapper
We're doing the Charleston,
Charleston, Charleston
Sing a song that's not too new
Like I wanna be loved by you
Do the Charleston to the to
Lots of love and pretty soon
Habba dabba dabba
dabba honeymoon
Right forward left foot back
Shake the shoulders
bow in the check
Like a Valentino It's Kino
Like a Clara bow
girl, go, go girl
It'll be a hoot, a howl, a wow
It's Charleston, we're
doing the Charleston
We're doing the
crazy Charleston now
Do do doin' it now, woo
(audience applauding)
- I don't know why they asked
me to play Captain Weird.
There's nothing
strange about me.
- Hey.
Is that New York down there?
- Must be, look at
all those red Chinese.
(audience laughing)
- Bert, what is the
most significant thing
that happened to you today?
- I lived through it.
- It's so good that we
can sit here as brothers
and smoke the peace pipe.
(audience laughing)
- Don't ever do that again.
We can be friends but.
- Burbank has some things
in common with New York,
I mean for example
the Long Island railroad
doesn't run here either.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Georgine.
There's a hole
in this hamburger.
- Hey dumbass,
the burgers are not a doughnut.
- Zach, you've been a student
at Comedy for a long time.
What's the funniest
thing you've ever heard?
- John Connolly trying
to explain phase two
to Spiro Agnew.
- Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
You've been
sleeping for 100 years.
- You've waked me
because you love me.
- No because you're snoring.
(audience laughing)
- Permission to borrow
your lap dog, sir?
- Hiya, Sue.
Do people kid you much by
calling you a boy named Sue?
- No, each man
only does it once.
- Really? (audience laughing)
- Alright gang, we're
gonna take a look
at the mod world of literature.
- Marvelous.
- You like literature?
- Yes, as a matter of fact I
have just become an author.
- Is that so?
- Yes, I wrote a.
- Book?
- Book.
It's a cook book
as a matter of fact.
- You wrote a cook
book? You can't cook.
- You bet your
sweet fondue I can.
- Oh you can cook?
- Indeedy do, I
happened to of created
the world famous Ragu Alimartin.
- Ragu, what is that?
- Well you see
it's 12 grapefruits,
three Kosher pickles,
nine pounds of leechy nuts.
A scoop of vanilla
fudge ice cream.
And a pinch of salt.
- Good heavens.
- Two dozen eggs.
- Oh there's more.
- A head of lettuce.
Six pounds of mozzarella cheese.
- Mozzarella?
- A large olive.
And a goat.
- Well that sounds terrible.
- I don't know, the
goat was crazy about it.
- He would have
to be crazy about it.
- Yeah but you know my Ragu
cannot compare with
my chicken surprise.
- It can't huh? What's
the chicken surprise?
- Well it could be a rooster
that looks like Cary Grant.
It could be a nine
pound egg with corners.
- Now what is this
chicken surprise?
What's this chicken surprise?
- Well in my book
the chicken surprise
is a grilled cheese sandwich.
- Well there's no
chicken in that.
- That's the surprise.
- That's the surprise.
But the best part of the
book is under chapter four.
Desserts.
- Desserts under chapter four?
- The most difficult one to make
is a chocolate mouse.
- That's mousse.
- Mousse.
Mousse right.
- Chocolate mousse.
What's so difficult about that?
- Well the real
difficult thing is to get
the moose to stand still while
you pour chocolate over him.
Still looks like a mouse.
- Probably tastes a
lot, while you're cooking
up this nonsense I'm
going to go on to the mod
world of literature.
- Hey great, didn't I read
about that someplace?
- I doubt it.
- Where can I find?
Where can I find something
by William Buckley?
- Go straight down this
isle and make a radical
turn to the right.
(audience laughing)
- They say the pen is
mightier than the sword but
I don't know, I think
the Three Musketeers
could beat up Truman Capote.
- See the phone rings.
See Dick answer the phone.
Answer the phone, Dick,
see Dick talk into the phone?
Hello? Hello?
- There it is, I finished.
- What is it, dear?
- It's my latest invention.
I call it the type writer.
Let me show you how it works.
That's for me, I'll get it.
Hello?
Hello?
- Hello there I'm here
with Mrs. Bertha Wiggins.
Author of the new best seller,
The Sensuous Sex Maniac.
Actually done all those
things it says in your book?
- Yes, yes I have.
- That's incredible.
Would you mind telling
the viewers your age.
- Not at all.
I'm 26.
- You know there
are some things that
just can't be
learned from books.
- I know.
I read that somewhere.
- Excuse me, do you
have any books on etiquette
and good manners?
- No we don't, stupid.
- Hope you like,
do not get Quinn.
As darkness crept in,
the fiend (chirping).
Moved closer to
his newfound prey.
And suddenly from the woods,
Robin Hood sent an arrow.
And got him out of the way.
- Barbara,
I'd like to get a
gift for a friend.
- Well, how about a book?
- No.
He's already got a book.
- Harry.
Come and taste the stew.
- What you need for
that stew is a cook book.
- Maybe you're right.
It'll go great with the stew.
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, book lovers, now.
I should like to point
out some of the basic
literary similarities
between John Gallsworthy
and William Forsight.
Now the Fockner saga
by William Forsight.
Excuse me I meant of
course the Forsight saga
by William Forsight.
Or William Forsight
started by William Fockner
was of course really
written by John Gallsworthy.
I mean Gallsworthy
rather than Forsighter
as Fockner sought
that is Forsight.
Alright as the author
of the Fockner saga
that is the Forsight saga
of William Gallsworthy
or rather John Gallsworthy.
Gallsworthy was a
writer of work equal
to the worth of worthy
writers like Esra Pound
and Roger Biggin.
And everybody today of
course knows the worth
of a pound of bacon.
- Debbie.
I only missed one of
your Tammy movies
and I feel very bad.
- Oh well why do you feel bad,
because you've missed
one of my Tammy movies?
- Well because my
parents made me go
to all the rest of them.
- Good evening
my fellow librarians.
(hushing)
- Here you are, sir.
The autobiography
of Lawrence Wilk.
But it's due back in two weeks.
- Is there any penalty if I
don't get it back on time?
- Yes you have to keep it.
- Well what'd you think of
the mod world of literature?
- Well I didn't see it I was
too busy in the kitchen with
caught having
coffee with a Danish.
I think her name was
Engai, I'm not sure.
(doorbell ringing)
- Telegram for
Mrs. David Tebett.
- Oh yes that's me.
Well I haven't got my glasses
could you read it for me?
- Oh yes ma'am.
- Thank you.
- Dear Judy,
have run off to
Mexico with secretary.
Divorce papers to
follow, your ex-husband.
- How dare him.
That lousy two timing trom.
Do you know why he
send me this telegram?
'Cause he didn't have the
guts to tell me in person.
And you know if he did,
you know what I'd do?
I'd take him and I'd
throw him against the wall.
And you know that lousy
dame he ran away with him?
You know what I'd do to her?
I'd cripple the little girl.
I'd grab her on the head.
Then I'd take that lousy
two timing husband and I'd
grab him by the
coat and I'd throw him
against the wall.
Do you blame me?
- Oh no I don't blame you.
- Oh so you think
that my husband is a
no good rotten punk?
- I don't even
know your husband.
- How dare you stick your
nose into my personal business.
Get out of here!
There's a quarter tip.
Say.
Say there.
Now that I look a little closer.
And my husbands out
of town for the weekend.
What are you doing today?
- Nothin'.
- Where would you like to go?
- How 'bout the fights?
- [People] Sandy
coming, Sandy coming,
Sandy coming, Sandy coming,
Sandy coming, Sandy coming,
Sandy coming, Sandy coming.
It's great to be
here on Laugh-In
Where all of the
people are loved
Doing the new song
And then a quickie
We will swap a joker
to the dance defeat
- Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
Why do dogs wag their tail?
- Because when they wag
their heads they get dizzy.
- Do you think that
you were home free?
We'll meet the guy at
the democratic convention.
- Only if they
don't nominate him.
- Anne, who would you
say is greatest nuclear
physicist who ever lived?
- Errol Flynn.
- He wasn't a nuclear physicist.
- I know but boy did he live.
- My aunt, my aunt
tried washing her hair
with an egg shampoo
but the water was too hot
and she got poached.
- Yes dear, what is it?
- Well now who,
who fought a lot of
battles but never won any?
- I don't know, who?
- Alexander the Near Great.
- Harold.
I went to buy some
spray deodorant
and they sold me
hairspray instead.
- Were you angry?
- I was up in arms for weeks.
- What Lil?
- My brother went to Denmark
for a very secret operation.
- Oh well was your brother's
operation successful?
- I don't know, you'll
have to ask her.
- My wife is gonna
lose it because I can't
punch you in the mouth.
- Well what did you say?
Will you wait 'till I finish?
- Oh sure.
- Thank you.
But I called her out.
- Oh well then what did you say?
- I'm glad you asked,
I said if you leave me
I'm going to punch
you in your mouth.
- What's the best way
to stop a runaway horse?
- Tell its mommy and daddy
to treat it better at home.
- Hey, Denny.
- You know, woo woo.
- Woo, woo.
- Woo, woo, woo, woo.
When I was in Las Vegas
I went into a barber shop
and I asked for a natural.
- And what happened?
- The barber shaved
a seven on my head.
Woo!
- Hey, when did
you meet your wife?
Huh?
You-hoo.
I wanna know when
did you meet your wife?
- April 3rd at 1:26
in the afternoon.
- Oh well how did you
remember the exact time?
- Easy, she's got a face
that could stop a clock.
- Oh say, say.
Say, what do rabbi's use
to gold up their trousers?
- Aborched belt.
- Woo!
- I went shopping yesterday
and bought a $100 item for $6.
- What was it?
- Listen, when you great
bargain like that you don't ask.
- And did you hear about the
Burbank news commentator?
He has to spend a full week
working on his instant analysis.
It's good to be back in Burbank
I miss it wherever I go
It's good to be here on Laugh-In
Be screaming our favorite show
I know it's really
our favorite show
(audience applauding)
- Johnny you know, I just loved
your hit, A Boy Named Sue.
Who wrote it?
- A girl named Ralph.
(audience laughing)
- Really Mr. President,
isn't this carrying phase two
a little too far?
(audience laughing)
- A friend of mine shaved
off his handle bar mustache
after some kid tried
to ride him to school.
- Oh Georgine.
I hate to see ya slinging
hash in a place like this
night after night.
For eight hours all you
do is nothing but sling hash.
- I don't mind, Tommy.
Can I get ya anything?
- Yeah let me have
some of that hash.
- They smoke on peace pipe.
- Thank you, Chief.
Oh here try a cigarette.
- See white man still
trying to kill Indian.
- Hey Ms. Pickett's
getting dizzy.
My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
My baby brother had the measles.
And he had little polka
dots all over his body.
And I took
a magic marker and I
connected all the dots.
And then Mamma gave me a
spanking and that's the truth.
- Jack I want you
tell me something.
- Yeah.
What is it?
What is it, Richard?
- Tell me, why, when
you always do your act
you always clap your hands.
- Well somebody has to.
(audience laughing)
- You know Queenie, I
figured that when I got
to be my age I'd be sitting in
a rocking chair doing nothin'.
- Well you were half right.
- Hello Honey, I'm home.
- Your dinner's on the stove.
- Beautiful.
How's the soup coming?
- [Bowl] It's alright.
(classical music)
- Ian has done it again.
- Yes, it's time once
again for the flying
fickle finger of fate.
- And who does
the discerning digit
of dubious doings go to tonight?
- Well sir, this is a
ring taled beauty,
our old friend congress gets it.
You see that headline?
They created a
temporary commission
for the standardization
of screw threads.
- I wouldn't touch that
with a 10 foot yard stick.
When did they create this
temporary commission?
- Well, according to the
National Inquire of 19,
of December 1971, the
commission was created in 1918.
- 1918?
- Yes.
- Well why are we
giving it to them now?
- Well sir, I'm glad
you asked that question
because there's still screwing
around with it 53 years
and millions of dollars later.
- You mean after all
that time and money
they still haven't
standardized those threads?
- Yep.
- Well it appears all
they've done is to give
the tax paper,
tax payer.
- Tax payer.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Three times a year they attend
the international conference
of the standardization
of screw threads.
- Yeah but you know
those conferences.
I bet all they do is sit around
and drink screwdrivers.
Why was the commission
started in the first place?
- Another good, you're full
of good questions tonight.
Well to make sure that
all the nuts and bolts
of our World War I weapons
to fit together properly
and supposedly not to
cause the public a red scent,
it's a fact.
- I know.
Well then to the congress
and its commission,
why don't you spend a
few more millions of dollars
and years and see if
you can standardize this.
- Right on.
- You know Alex, twice a week
I go to the gym and work out.
- With dumbbells?
- Well not usually but
maybe in your case
I'll make an exception.
- Here I am.
- I didn't know we were
going formal tonight.
- Well Tiny Tim and his muscle.
- [Man] Yes, Ms. Louis?
- This must be a
happy day for you guys
to be here taking
your new baby home.
- Oh yes we're very happy.
- By the way, where is baby?
- Right here.
We planned to have three.
One of each.
- Even now my dear
mother is still teaching me
to be a more proper person.
She is always reminding
me how important it is
to respect the elderly.
Luckily for me I keep
the old bitty chained
up in the cellar.
- I'm tired of making this run.
Week after week with
nothing to look at but sand.
Sand and more sand.
I'm sure looking
forward to my vacation.
- Where do you think
you're gonna go, Coop?
- Well I think I'll
go to the beach.
- You will meet a
tall, dark stranger.
Oh no, no, no,
no, no, I'm sorry.
I meant a tall, dark, strangler.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- American Medical Association.
- Every morning
for the past 20 years
you have buried the
behind that morning paper.
I'm getting sick and
tired of it you hear huh?
(audience laughing)
- Hey Queenie, remember
when we first heard that joke?
- Nope, I can't recall
anything that far back.
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department.
What?
House ransacked?
Where is it?
13 Willaby Place,
say that's my house.
Operator get me the police.
- I love to wonder
in my rose garden
and watch the many
beautiful butterflies
fluttering about the flowers.
The butterflies think
of me as their friend.
Many times one will
land on my finger.
And I immediately
feed it to my frog.
(audience laughing)
- When planting roots this
season on Monday's, Wednesday's
and Friday plant them on
the left side of your property.
On Tuesday, Thursday and
Saturday use alternate roots.
- Hey, didn't anyone tell ya
check out time is one o'clock.
- This is Teddy.
This is Teddy.
- Tell me Johnny, where did
you learn to play the guitar?
- Right here on the
end of my fingers.
- Our contestant Mrs.
Brushaw is now sealed
in the isolation booth.
Now that she is in there,
Mrs. Shaw is
completely isolated,
no one can help her.
(audience laughing)
- Laugh-In offered to
furnish me free transportation,
you know from my
hotel here to the studio
but then they had to cancel
when one of the wheels
fell off their roller skate.
- President Nixon
says he's gonna
put a stop to the bombing.
It's about time somebody
did something about Laugh-In.
- Let's seal our treaty with
a smoke on peace pipe.
- You know Chief,
somehow I do not think
you are being sincere.
- Bert, will you still
love me when my hair
has turned completely grey?
- Why not? I didn't
stop loving you
when it happened to your skin.
- Debbie how did you
manage to get all those
roles where you played a lovely,
delicate, charming sweetheart?
- Well whenever another
girl auditioned for the part
I'd punch her in the gabanzo.
(audience laughing)
- Well now really Senator
Proxmire, I know it's cheap.
I know it's quiet.
But do you really think
it'll replace the SST?
East side and west
side all over the town
We sell the dailies of
broadside and down
Freezing our toes off
And wearing out shoes
There's no sweep folks,
we'll bring out a news
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
There's no way the old news is
Misterfy, terrify,
helping confuse
The paper's got to
give you our views
Extra extra la da di extry
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dick and with Dan
(audience applauding)
- [Narrator] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Bobby Sherman
singing a song.
Eddie Fisher asking
what went wrong.
President Nixon
playing ping pong
and Milton Berle's
dress still too long.
- Dan, Dan?
Dan?
And now here's Dick
with news of the present.
(audience laughing)
Date line New York,
your leader publisher
of childrens books has
decided to update the classics
in order to make
children more aware
of such current issues
as population control
and the numerality.
The first title released
this week has, was,
Hansel and Gretel ted analysis.
- That's the first release.
You owe me 20.
- Those of the present
date line Apron, Ohio.
- Akron.
- Is that close?
A leading tire manufacturer
announced today
a breakthrough that will
revolutionize the industry.
- [Rowan] What was it?
- Well it was a, they have
combined silicon and rubber
producing a tire
with a fantastic figure
that won't go flat.
- And now for news of
the future, here's Danny.
- Thank you, Dicky.
- [Dick] Danny K that is.
- Danny K's not here.
- Okay then you better read it.
- I may as well.
News of the future
1973 dateline Houston.
Members of the League
of American Indians
were evicted form
the Astrodome today
where they were holding
their first annual convention,
authorities took
the action following
the tribal rain dance.
A spokesman for
the Astrodome stated,
it started raining in here
right after they finished
and it hadn't let up since.
(audience laughing)
That rain dancing, it is hereby.
News of the future
20 years from now,
space officials have finalized
plans for the three year
manned flight to Mars.
They will not permit any
woman to make the flight.
However they have
compromised somewhat
by changing the re-entry
pattern so that the splashdown
will now take place
somewhere in a Los
Angeles massage parlor.
News of the future
10 years from now,
after extensive
investigation experts today
stated the voice prints
of Howard Hughes
taken from a phone
interview with news man
were definitely not those
of the mystery millionaire.
Positive identification
has been made however
and the voice has been
unquestionably declared to be
that of either Amelia
Earhart, Judge Crator
or Wayne Newton.
(audience laughing)
- And now for
kids news for kids,
we take you to Moosie
Drier in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
I was sick with the cold.
It was terrible.
I had to stay in bed and watch
television for a whole week.
And my mother made
me eat ice cream.
And I couldn't do
any of my chores.
Like cleaning up the
backyard or going to the store.
And besides all that,
I had to stay home from school.
Now I'm all better.
But only until I can
catch another cold.
Back to you, Dan.
- Now for the story in progress,
we switch you to our
on the spot reporter.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're standing here
across the street from
the Fourth National bank
where a robbery
has just taken place.
Now you were inside when
the hole occurred, is that right?
- Yes I was.
- Can you tell us what happened?
- Well of course I was, it
was so exciting because
there were so many, the
people where their knees
were just knocking
and we had to put our,
you know when you
put your hands like,
well it's not, you can
never tell what's gonna,
when you have your,
when they give you a,
when they go over your,
when the person who's,
when you've got a pistol in your,
when it's pointing, it
was so, it was something,
it was an experience,
I can't even, I'm flat
but Frank I think I got
away with about
200,000 big boys.
- Hi.
Busy Buzzi here tattling
around Tinseltown
with the lowdown on
the latest legal hassle.
Producer Sam Metro is
fighting the movie censors
over his latest flick.
Sam claims that only one
scene in his entire picture
contains any nudity at
all and that the actors
are fully clothed throughout
the other entire scene.
That's it tonight
from Tinseltown.
Was about to say tata and kissy.
Fully clothed for the
other entire scene.
- You know Hollywood
is still pretty much
like it used to be.
You still see stars walking
around in those wild hairstyles
and mink coats and
diamond earrings.
Only now they're leading men.
- We're here
talking to Mr. Blogs
who claims to be
the world's foremost
authority on Shakespeare.
- I want corrective
on how everything
Christian and I were
about Malto Shakespeare.
- Isn't that William
Shakespeare?
- Where, where?
I don't see him.
- Would you tell us Mr. Blogs,
which of Shakespeare's
plays do you like best?
- Well I'll tell you,
it's a toss up between
Romeo and Juliet
and Hello Dolly.
- But Shakespeare
didn't write Hello Dolly.
- Well in that case it
is a toss up between
Romeo and Juliet.
- Now today is yesterday
September 5th, 1620.
Extra extra la da di extra
Ladies and gentleman
Laugh-In looked at the news
(audience applauding)
- Debbie, you know
you're always so bouncy.
How come?
- Well when I was born
my father was disappointed,
he'd always wanted
to have a basketball.
- The vet accidentally
gave my dog a silicone shot.
And the next time
he bit the mail man,
the guy turned around, kissed
him and took him to lunch.
- Oh Georgine honey, I
don't like to complain but
the coffee is
black and it's cold.
- That's not your
coffee, that's your water.
Here's your coffee.
- Johnny when you
sing about railroads
I can feel that train
on those tracks.
And when you sing about
prisons I can feel those bars.
- Wanna hear a love song?
- I don't think we have smoked
the pipe of peace, Chief.
We made it.
What have you done
with my Colonel?
- Well let me put it this way,
you no longer have to
worry about dandruff.
- You know Bert, there was
certain advantages to old age.
- Like what Queenie?
- Well I don't have
to go to the dentist
every six months for a check up.
Just mail my teeth in.
- Same here.
- Charlie are you any
relation to Maria Callas?
- No I was named after the
other singer, Maria Charlie.
- Now for a study
in primitive man,
here's Laugh-In's
anthropology lady.
- I have a tooth which
came from the man
of low intelligence,
a large stomach area
and very little hair.
- Tell me, how can
you tell so very much
from just one tooth?
- Simple, it came from my
stupid, fat, bald husband.
(audience laughing)
- Listen Dick, thanks a
lot for coming on the show.
You know we have
some time available
if you ever want us
to help in your ratings
just let us know.
- Hey that's very nice,
how would you do it,
by going on Carson?
- Oh what a day, I can't
stand it out there, it's a jungle.
- Hello sweetie.
- Hello honey.
- Listen, dinner's almost ready.
- Oh really, I hope we're not
having brontosaurus today,
I had that for lunch.
- Oh no, no, I have found
some marvelous new things.
Oh here.
Drink this.
- What is it?
- It's called milk.
- Milk?
- I got it from that
cow over there.
- Where did he get it?
- No dear, a cow is a she.
You see those little things
hanging down from underneath?
Well you just go.
And the milk comes right out.
- And you expect
me to drink that?
- You'll love it.
Besides that it'll go
great with the eggs?
- Eggs? What's that?
- This is an egg.
- And you squeeze
this out of a cow?
- No it didn't come from a cow,
a chicken was sitting on it.
- You find this under a chicken
and I'm suppose to eat it?
Don't you peel it first?
- No silly, you break it open.
There, see?
And then you eat
all that stuff inside.
- Forget it.
- Forget it?
After all the trouble I went to.
- What trouble? You squeezed
a cow and you reached
under a chicken.
Horse feathers.
- Horse feathers?
Now you spoiled the
surprise for dessert.
- I can truthfully say
that here in Hollywood,
I know one major
female star whose done
dozens of nude scenes.
Some of them on the screen.
- Permission to slam a
percussion instrument
on me limbs, sir?
- Jack and Jill went up the
hill to fetch a pale of water,
now Jill is living all alone.
I guess her husband caught her.
- And now here's
Lily Sincere to sing,
I've Got the World
on a G String.
- How would you like to
hear the pat of little feet
around the house?
- Well at my age I'd
like to hear anything.
(audience laughing)
- Johnny you've had some
pretty hard times, haven't ya?
- I sure have, I can
remember when
all I had to eat
was left over beans.
- Is that when you were a child?
- No, that was this afternoon
at the NBC commissary.
- Charlie Callas.
Have you ever taken
up bodybuilding?
- Yeah, how could you tell?
- Well, yours looks home made.
- Debbie, do you like the way
that Caesar Romero dresses?
- Well I don't know, I've
never seen him dressing.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Okay but foyst.
- First.
- But First.
I wanna say good
luck to Curt Wallheim.
For the new Secretary
General of the UN.
- It's a very good idea,
you know this man faces
problems of intolerance,
political unrest, violence.
- And that's just
on the way to work.
He lives in New York.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight Mrs. Bricker.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dicky.
- What do you get when
you cross Shirley Temple
with Tody Fields?
- I don't know, what?
- Rebecca O'Sunny
Brook Fat Farm.
- Oh Barbara, my
little pristine doll.
What do you get when you cross
Howard Hughes, Howard
Hughes with Tiny Tim?
- What?
- An invisible man
with a high voice.
- Yes.
- Oh there you go.
Listen, what do you get
if you cross Robert Hall
with a kangaroo?
- A jump suit.
- A jump suit.
- Anne!
- What is it?
Hi.
- What do you get,
what do you get
when you cross a mafia
with a bad chest.
- What?
- Death.
(audience laughing)
- Ruth.
- What?
- What do you get
if you cross penicillin
with the Asian flu?
- A disease that cures
itself but an hour later
you're sick again.
- What is it?
- Yes?
- Politically speaking,
what do you get if
you cross George Wallace
with Sammy David Jr.?
- Strange bed pillows
with short sheets.
- Barbara?
- Yes?
- Say troubles.
What do you get if you
cross a night club comic
with a Xerox machine?
- Katie Youngman's act.
(audience laughing)
- [Cast Members]
Katie Youngman's act?
- That's unbelievable.
Who'd you call, Lily?
- What do you get if
you cross Thomas Moore
with a galloping gourmet?
- A man for all seasoning.
- What do you get when
you cross a clergy man
and an orchard with a man bull?
- I don't know, what do you get?
A parson and a pear tree.
- This program is pre-recorded,
however due to a
malfunction in our
pre-recording playback machine,
you are not watching the
program you are seeing.
(upbeat whimsical music)