Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 2 - Episode #5.2 - full transcript
- Oh Willy Shoemaker, you've
been riding horses a long time.
How many years
have you been riding?
- Oh about,
(foot stomping)
(audience laughing)
- What are the odds on
Whirly Gig in the second?
- About eight million to one.
- How come?
- He dropped dead
in the paddock.
- Andy Granatelli, how
come it took you 30 years
to win the Indianapolis 500?
- I couldn't get my car started.
(engine roaring)
- Oh that sounded so dangerous,
you could be killed out there.
- I know but pop was a racer,
and so was grandad before him.
Racing's in our blood.
- Well, I guess
you're right, son.
- I knew you'd see it my way.
Okay, mom.
Get out there and beat them.
- Hey, Bill Russell, baby.
Hey do you think pro basketball
is becoming more integrated?
- Sure, you see more and
more white kids playin' every day.
- Right on, baby.
- This is Jill St. John
with a beauty hint.
For you girls who are
worried about crow's feet
around your eyes, put
bird seed in your navel
and they'll walk
down to your stomach.
- Cincinnati's red,
the Red Sox are too,
I just lost to Cleveland,
that's why Vida's blue.
(audience laughing)
- Doug Sanders?
You look pretty
pleased with yourself.
- Well I had a very
unusual day today,
I had two birdies and an eagle.
- Well what's so
unusual about that?
- Nothing, except I was fishin'.
(audience laughing)
- Mind if we play through?
(horn honking)
(audience laughing)
- No more golf
carts today, Lizzy.
(audience laughing)
- [Women] Mind
if we play through?
(audience laughing)
- Hey Sugar, what's your
most outstanding record?
- Oh, three
knockouts in one night.
- Gee, how did you do it?
- I went out with the Supremes.
- Seven, eight, nine
(birds chirping)
10, out.
- Lula, what's that sport
where people run around and
bump into each other?
- Well it's either football,
hockey, or wife swapping.
(laughing)
- Oh, we got a show tonight,
this is the one I've been...
- What, what, what?
- Oh, and our special
guest, the greatest Roman
since Julius Cesar.
- Who?
- Roman Gabriel.
- You're kidding.
(audience applauding)
- We're happy to have
you on the show tonight.
- Well thanks guys, and
it's really great to be here,
but I wanna warn you.
- What's the matter?
- I gotta be careful,
I've watched your show,
and I can't get
hit with any water.
- Oh, well hey,
that's no problem.
We're so delighted you're
here, I'll take the water
for ya.
- You're kidding.
- I never get hit, but
I'll take your water.
- Alright.
- Don't want you to get hurt,
don't want you to get
wet, gimme Gabe's water.
I don't... (water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Yes sir.
The kid can really
throw water, can't he?
Yes sirree.
- That was very
nice of you, Dan.
You know, you go put
on some dry clothes
and you'll be as good as new.
- Certainly.
(audience laughing)
- Well okay, that
takes care of the water.
Now about the trap door.
- Oh.
- I got a bad knee, you know.
- I forgot, well you're our
guest, don't worry about it.
Hey, gimme Gabe's trap door.
(audience laughing)
- How 'bout those
guys takin' all the fun
outta my being on Laugh-In.
First they take my
water, (water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Then they don't even leave
me a trap door to fall through.
I might as well
not even be here.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Turn off the shower.
- Now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
Symphony Hall and Hockey Rink,
NBC, the Nice, Big
Commercials Network
skips the following
important message
and presents instead
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring both feet on
the ground, Dan Rowan.
And completely
floored, Dick Martin.
And, Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Alan,
Johnny Brown, Anne Elder,
Barbara Sharma, and Larry Hovis.
With special guest
star Roman Gabriel,
and many of your favorite
good sports including Vita Blue,
Andy Granatelli, Sugar
Ray Robinson, Hugh Russell,
Doug Sanders, Vin
Scully, William Shoemaker,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with a message for all nurses
listening to this program.
Take two doctors and call
me in the morning, thank you.
But first this commercial.
- These 40 men behind
me all shaved this morning
with the same razor blade,
let's talk to some of them
and see how they liked it.
You sir.
- I was number one, great shave.
- Thank you, and you sir?
- I was number
four, smooth as silk.
- Thank you, and how
was your shave, sir?
- I was number 37.
Hardly knew there
was a blade in the razor.
(audience laughing)
(cymbals crashing)
- [Announcer] Mrs.
Jolly Green Giant,
how come you and
the Jolly Green Giant
don't have any children?
- Well, Mr. Jolly may
know his peas and carrots,
but when it comes to having
kids he doesn't know beans.
- In my years of
basketball I've known guys
who've played great defense,
guys who were great shooters.
But here are two of the
worst dribblers in the world.
Two guys that don't
even know the score.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan and Dick.
(audience applauding)
- You want more.
Bruise for
punishment, thank you.
(audience applauding)
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen
and welcome once
again to, welcome,
what are you doing?
- The foxtrot.
No, no, I don't mean that,
what is it...
- Oh, gee,
I'm modeling my new suit.
My new $3,000 custom-made suit.
- Three, why would you
spend $3,000 for a suit?
- Well you don't expect
me to wear a cheap suit
with a $5,000 overcoat, do you?
- No, I guess not.
That's an awful lotta
money to pay for a suit,
what's it made of?
- Rice.
- Why would you want
a suit made of rice?
- 'Cause I don't look
good in potatoes.
(audience laughing)
- I suppose the shirt's
made outta bananas.
- Of course not,
bananas don't go with rice.
- Oh.
- It's made of artichokes.
- Artichokes.
Would you mind telling
me who your tailor is?
- Not at all.
- Well who is it?
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Who is your tailor?
- My tailor happens to
be Aida the Rice Weaver.
- Aida the Rice,
your tailor's a woman.
- Well if she isn't
there's some cute guy
runnin' around in a rice patty
wearing my engagement ring.
(audience laughing)
- That's an incredibly
expensive suit.
How much was the material?
- Ah, let's see now, at 12
cents a box it was about $4.
- About $4.
- I've got enough left over
to make a pair of pants.
(audience laughing)
- That still leaves over $2,900.
- Well you can't spend a
week in Bermuda on much less.
- Why did you have
to go to Bermuda?
- 'Cause we couldn't get
reservations in Acapulco.
- Oh, I've had it
with your $3,000 suit.
- Sure, but have you ever
had it with my $5,000 overcoat?
(audience laughing)
- But I've had it with you,
and I don't even wanna go
to the cocktail party with
you, I'm gonna go all alone.
- Oh come on, I
wanna go with you,
but I hope they have
some food there.
- What are you worried about?
- Well, I'm afraid
someone'll eat my suit.
(audience laughing)
- You guys are nuts.
- And here's a
partial score, three.
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
- Oh, I was going
to take up golf,
but every time I wanted
to go out and play a round,
I had to stay home
and play around.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, national
parks are so crowded.
The other day I went
camping in Yellowstone,
and I found a squirrel
stirring his acorns
in my glove compartment.
(audience laughing)
- Daniel Ellsberg is a very
difficult man to photograph.
He exposed my film before
I could get it developed.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
(woman laughing)
- You know somethin' baby?
People would like you a lot more
if ya just let your hair down.
- You mean my personality
would be revealed?
- No, your face
would be covered.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, 'excuse me, Senator.
A recent survey showed
that you politicians
are the last people to
know what's going on
in government.
- Well if that's true, son,
it's the first I've heard of it.
(audience laughing)
- There's a big movement
today to give the Indians back
what once belonged to them.
But what are we going to do
with 50 million dead buffalos?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
- I went to court yesterday
and was tried by a lady judge.
- Oh, how did she find you?
- Fantastic.
(audience laughing)
- You know being heavy
can be very expensive.
The other day I weighed
myself on a penny scale,
and it cost me $14.
(audience laughing)
- I just heard there's a
copy of the Pentagon Papers
at the LBJ Library.
It's marked, long overdue.
(audience laughing)
- Woo, now listen
toots, tell me,
where are you gonna
spend your honeymoon?
- Oh the Ilauer's Motel.
Richard is so sentimental.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
- Anybody who guesses
what I've got in my hand
gets a night of wild romance.
- A 10-ton elephant.
- Good heavens,
we've got a winner.
- Hey Sugar Ray, where
would you say you did your
fanciest footwork?
- Oh, Dan, back in '49 when
my car broke down in Alabama.
- Bill why do you use
a whip in horse racing?
- Because if I used
a gun they'd die.
- Say, you're Vita
Blue, aren't you?
- That's right.
- Oh, well,
do you mind if I
take your picture?
- Not at all.
- Okay, say cheese.
- Okay, but blue
cheese is 25 cents extra.
- Now lemme just
make this perfectly clear.
We gonna play
basketball as a team.
There ain't gonna be no
stars, no special treatment.
Do I make myself clear?
- Is that okay with
you, sweetie baby?
- Ooh, oh I feel I am
about to receive a customer.
A tall, fat woman,
she has lost her dog.
- Listen, I lost my car keys.
- Oh, close, very close.
(audience laughing)
- My car's parked 20
blocks away from here.
- Oh, well don't worry,
with my crystal ball
I can find any lost object.
Now let's see, crystal
ball, crystal ball.
This is funny, oh you
can never find somethin'
when you need it.
- Hilarious.
- Now wait, wait.
My deck of cards.
They'll tell me where
the crystal ball is.
Cards, cards, oh,
where are those cards?
Oh wait, wait,
they're in the car.
Now all I need is my keys.
- Look, maybe I
can find 'em myself.
It's only 20 blocks.
Hey, what's this?
(woman gasping)
- Oh good, it's my crystal ball!
- Oh, good.
- Oh good.
Now we can find the keys.
- What a relief.
- Oh yes.
Yes, yes, I see them.
- Where are they?
- Right in the car
where I left them.
- Not your keys, mine.
- Oh, okay, but it
may take awhile,
there's 20 blocks
to cover out there.
- Forget it.
I'll cover those
20 blocks myself
if I have to crawl on
my hands and knees.
- Oh, no, no, wait, wait,
please sit down, please.
Now look.
For $10 I can reach my
spirit contact on the other side.
- Yeah, yeah.
(woman clearing throat)
- Oh, spirit contact,
speak to me!
- [Disembodied Voice]
Oooo, this is me, Harold,
your spirit contact
speakin' to you.
- Oh, listen, listen Harold.
I have a problem.
- [Harold] You have a
problem, my mother-in-law
just passed away and
is coming to live with us,
and you got a problem?
(audience laughing)
- Listen Harold, this is
my only customer today,
I need the $10, I am
down to using (laughing)
a plastic crystal ball.
Now please just find
the man's car keys.
- [Harold] Okay, but it'll
take awhile, don't forget,
I have to cover 20 blocks
on my hands and knees.
- Would you just go home
and look in your spirit mirror?
- [Harold] I can't go home.
- Why not?
- [Harold] I lost my car keys.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Edith Ann.
And my sister Mary Jean
brought a magazine
hidden in her blouse.
And mama seen her reading it.
And it had pictures of bad
ladies with no clothes on.
And mama snatched it out
and yelled and punished her.
And then later mama
said, "Edith, get undressed
"and go to bed."
And I said, "I will
not get undressed,
"only bad ladies
take off their clothes."
(audience laughing)
So I went to sleep with
my coat and my shoes on.
And you know what?
I think it's more
comfortable to be a bad lady.
And that's the truth.
(lady blowing raspberry)
- They asked me to come
on Laugh-In, I said no.
But then they got me
something and I signed to do it.
- What did they get you?
- Drunk.
(audience laughing)
- Athletes know that their
careers on the playing field
may be over while they're
still very young men.
And soon they must
prepare themselves for work
in other fields.
Some have even
turned to medicine.
- [Announcer] And now
for the surgical team.
At left, nurse Mary Kowalski.
(audience laughing)
At right, nurse Sally Carlman.
And intern Crazy
Fingers Hershfeld.
And the captain of the team,
Dr. Broadway Joe Fuhman.
(audience applauding)
- Okay now, I know this
ailment we're up against is tough.
But if we all get in
there and pull together
we can lick it.
(whistle blowing)
Okay Crazy Legs, you
snap the scalpel to me.
I'll hand off to nurse Carlman
who will lateral back to you.
Then you cut in over
here and cut back there.
When he's open pass
the sutures onto me
and I'll take it
on in, you got it?
- Got it.
- Okay, let's go.
And hike!
- [Nurse] Go pelvis.
(doctors yelling)
- Lateral, ha!
(doctors yelling)
(tools drilling)
(cash register clinking)
(whistle blowing)
- Oh doctor, that was terrific.
Oh I'd love to see that
again on instant replay.
(audience laughing)
- You think he's gonna make it?
- Ah, we've just
about got him fun.
- Ah, ah, pigskin.
- Well that's six
points for him.
We've lost another one.
- Alright Joe, I forgot,
trade you to a place
where I think you
could do a better job.
- Mount Sinai
Hospital in New York?
- No, Mount Cavalry
Cemetery in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Soccer's a big sport in
Europe, and especially in Italy.
The players use only
their feet to kick the ball.
It leaves their
hands free to talk.
(audience laughing)
- And now it's time...
- For our mystery
person contest.
- Alright, now wait a minute.
- And here's our mystery person.
(audience applauding)
Okay Johnny, time
for tonight's clue.
- And may the bird of
paradise sit at your table
and molt in your oatmeal.
(audience laughing)
- That's wonderful, and
this week's prize are a lock
of Yule Brinner's skin.
- And a cup of
cheese dip leftover
from the Burt and
Taylor wedding,
suitable for framing.
(audience laughing)
- Now this is idiotic,
I told you last week
everybody knows who this man is.
- Well let's find
out if they do or not,
roll out the barrel.
- Roll out the barrel.
- Ah ha.
- What's that?
- That's our mail.
- That's your mail.
- It's really flooding in.
- Overwhelming.
- Here's one from Harvey
Fuhnman of Lompot, California.
He thinks the mystery
guest is Lyle Talbot.
- Incredible.
- And here's one
from Lyle Talbot.
He thinks the mystery
guest is Harvey Fuhnman.
(audience laughing)
- Well they're both wrong.
- Course they are,
Lyle Talbot doesn't look
anything like Harvey Fuhnman.
- That's true.
- I'll be so glad when
this foolish contest is over.
- Me too, the
suspense is killing me!
- Oh Dick, Dick,
here's an urgent wire.
- Ah, oh thanks.
It's from Ed McMahon.
- Oh good, at least this
dumb contest will get over now,
read it.
- Says here,
"Dear Dick and Dan,
"are you sure it isn't Harvey
Fuhnman or Lyle Talbot?"
(audience laughing)
- Thought we had a winner.
Well, maybe next week.
- Maybe next week.
- Good luck, viewers.
(audience applauding)
- I told you it'd be exciting.
- What kinda contest is this,
it's either gotta be Arnold
Palmer or Agnes Moorhead.
- Hey, what's the secret?
It's either Max Baer
or Peggy Flemming.
- No, I'd say it's
either Chris Schenkel
or Esther Williams.
- No, anybody can tell
it's either Mario Andretti
or Tony Fields.
- Well, I'd say it's
either Lawrence Harvey
or Rex Reid.
- Wrong, it's either
Will Chamberlain
or Moms Mabley.
- [Announcer] Mrs.
Jolly, do you object
to the Jolly Green Giant
raising corn in the valley?
- No, I only get upset
when he raises cane
in the neighborhood.
(light playful music)
(woman whispering)
- What are you talkin' about,
I don't even respect you now.
- [Announcer] How come
the Jolly Green Giant is green?
- You'd be green too if you
ate nothing but peas and beans.
(audience laughing)
(newspaper slapping)
- What's wrong, pal?
- Oh Peacock's Pride
finished first in the fourth.
- Well that's terrific.
- What's terrific, he
was running in the third.
- Tonight we're going to look
at the Mod World of Sports.
- Good, and when you're
finished you call me,
I'll be in the dressing room.
- You'd better hang around,
you might learn somethin'.
- Are you kidding, I
already know everything
there is to know about sports.
- Is that a fact?
- Well sure.
- You're a real sport expert.
- I love sports.
- Oh it's an easy thing
to check out, tell me this.
Who's the world's fastest man?
- Fred Nurn.
(audience laughing)
- Fred Nurn?
- Yeah.
- I've never seen him run.
- Neither has anybody else.
(mimics car engine)
- That's the hummer,
that's the hummer.
- You know when
he's standin' still
he's still a little blurry.
- Yeah, yeah, you're
a little blurry too.
Wait a minute sports expert,
what's the world's
record for the high jump?
- Uh, a foot and a half.
- A foot and a, I can
jump a foot and a half.
- Well sure you can, but you
wanna go in the record book
with a lousy jump like that?
(audience laughing)
- You got a point there.
- Well thank you, I learned
it from my hunting dog.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Do you know who
won the Kenturkey,
(laughing)
- Is it the Kenturkey Darby?
- No, it's the, do you know
who won the Kentucky Derby
last year?
- Of course I do,
it was a horse, huh?
And he did it the hard
way, there was a little man
sittin' on his back.
(audience laughing)
I even know who came in second.
- I suppose another horse.
- No, it was an elephant.
- I never saw an elephant
in the Kentucky Derby.
- Well now how could
you miss an elephant,
you better have
your eyes examined.
- I'm gonna give
you an easy one.
- Alright.
- What's a home run?
- Oh, two and a den
would run about $20,000.
(laughing)
Now if you have
a pool it's more.
- You don't know
anything about baseball,
do you?
- Of course I do,
I used to play shortstop
with the Baltimore Bunnies.
- That sounds
like a girl's team.
- Well if it isn't there's a
second baseman in Baltimore
wearin' my mother's
engagement ring.
(audience laughing)
- I'll give you another chance,
what do you call a hockey player
who stands in front of the
net and catches the puck?
- Stupid.
- You're wrong.
- Yeah, well give me
one last chance.
- Alright, this is
the last chance.
In fishing, what do
you usually catch
when you fly cast?
- Flies.
- Wrong.
You catch trout.
- Ah ha, but yes,
but what happens
when you leave the tree,
the troo, - The troo?
- Trout, what happens
when you leave the trout
out in the sun, huh,
answer me that.
- It catches flies.
- Ah ha, you see how I
just cut out the middle man.
(laughing)
- Let's take a look at them.
You might learn something.
I'd like to introduce
A very special football team
(whistle blowing)
- Fuhnman!
- Kripowski!
- Mankiewicz!
(players shouting)
- Sullivan!
- Germanties.
- Furk.
- Furk?
- Yeah, so what's it to ya?
We got a lotta push
We got a lotta steam
'Cause we're the one and only
Downtown Burbank football team
We like to pass that ball
We like to shift and hike
We got a rootin' tootin' coach
The fellas really like
We've got an end that's great
Our quarterback's a dream
'Cause they got ladies
On the Downtown
Burbank football team
With all the chicks around
It's always love in bloom
Of course it gets
a little touchy
In the locker room
We've won a lot of fans
We won a lot of babes
We won a lot of everything
Except a football game
Oh we can't seem to score
We really ring the bell
We practice Sundays in the lobby
Of the Nurn Hotel
Take your end around your end
And line up in a T formation
Try the Statue of Liberty play
Shift, hike, wee!
Our team ain't half and half
Our team is solid green
In fact in summertime
We double as a softball team
Though our defense is slow
Our offense ain't quick
We love to block that line
We love to hit that kick
We love to hear that
public Yell and scream
- For Fuhlman!
- Ripowski!
- Mankiewicz!
(woman yelling)
- Annalucci!
- Sullivan!
- Gervanties.
- Furk!
- Furk? (whistle blowing)
The one and only
Eight man original
Downtown Burbank co-educational
All-American Football team
- 41, 22, 38!
- Bingo!
(audience applauding)
- Roman Gabriel scores again.
Oh, just imagine
what it would be like
bein' married to
a man like that.
(woman yawning)
So strong and wonderful.
When he makes a
pass, (woman whistling)
(woman snoring)
- Hi honey, I'm home.
- Oh, Roman, I missed you!
- (laughing) You missed again.
- Oh, oh, football!
Football, all you ever
think about is football!
Why did you ever marry
me in the first place?
- For sentimental reasons.
- Oh, I remind you
of your mother?
- No, you remind
me of Joe Namath.
- Oh, he must be gorgeous.
- He is, he is.
- Oh, Roman, why
can't we do the things
we did on our honeymoon?
It was so beautiful.
- Not tonight, I got a headache.
- Oh, please Roman, just
once for old time's sake.
Please.
- Okay, only once.
- Hey, five, four,
three, two, one, hike!
(audience laughing)
Oh Roman, promise
me you'll never do this
with anyone else.
(audience laughing)
- If Roman Gabriel
played golf like he acts
he could be vice president.
- After seein' Roman
Gabriel's performance,
I think he should be
charged with a personal foul.
- I don't know too
much about acting,
but if my horse
performed like that
I'd have him put to pasture.
- Only one thing can explain
a performance like that.
Somebody must've paid
Roman to throw the show.
- I recommend STP,
Stop That Performance.
- So what'll it be, hun?
(fingers snapping)
- Gimme a E, gimme
a G, gimme a E-G-G.
I said a egg, I said a
egg, I said a egg, egg, egg.
- Uh huh, and
how do you want it?
- Raw, raw, raw-raw-raw.
- So son, you ready for that
big track meet tomorrow?
- You know dad,
I'm in great shape.
- Good, you're the best
shot-putter the school has.
- Hey son, would you
pass the potatoes?
- [Son] You got it.
(audience laughing)
(light playful music)
- They can kid Doug all
they want about his golf.
But I saw him play
18 holes of golf
and he got a standing ovation
from the survivors.
- Miss, why are you
wearing a track suit?
- Are you kidding, I'm
gonna run 27 miles today.
- Oh, you mean being a
housewife in the kitchen?
- No, being a runner
in the Boston Marathon.
Get outta my
way Bill, I'm losing.
- Alright men, this is it.
We're up against our
arch rivals the Yale Crew.
So I want ya to
really strug those oars
and put your backs into it.
- [Announcer] Teams,
take your marks!
Get set, go!
(gun firing)
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
- Bring your cameras
in boys, right in here.
Hi Bronco, I'm Vin Scully.
- Oh hi, hi.
Oh love your shirt.
- Oh thank you.
I'd like to interview you on TV.
- Oh heavens yes, oh,
but I must look a mess,
how's my hair?
- Oh no, just fine.
Bronco I'd like to ask
you a couple of questions.
- Hmm, well you
just go ahead and ask
anything your
little heart desires.
- Alright guys, ready
to film now, huh?
Roll it.
Bronco, one thing
I'd like to ask about,
there have been some
rumors going about
that a number of football
players aren't quite as manly
as they could be.
What about that?
- Well golly Vin, I don't
know where you'd hear
a thing like that.
(audience laughing)
Would you hold this for me?
- Surely.
Shirley? Don't call me Shirley.
(telephone ringing)
- Hello.
No I'm sorry, no Harry
can't come to the phone.
He just sat down to watch
the first football game
of the season.
I'll have him get back to
you as soon as he can.
Probably around February.
(audience laughing)
- We're gonna clean up tonight.
I gave the champ 50
grand to take a dive.
- What?
I just slipped the challenger
60,000 to throw the fight.
(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Roman, you're not really
big for a football player,
how do you keep
from getting hurt?
- Well whenever there's
danger some big linemen come in
and help me out.
- Oh, excuse me Mr. Gabriel.
I've been dying to kiss you.
Oh, oh, oh!
- Oh Roman, Roman!
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I've come to a decision.
- What is it, Beau?
- I'm giving up the piano.
To become a boxer.
- Oh but Beau.
We never had a piano.
- Don't worry mom,
I'll get you one.
I'm going to become a fighter.
Don't try and stop me.
- Son, son, son, you're
making a big mistake.
- I'm sorry, mom.
I've got to do this.
But it's for your own good.
(loud thumping)
(loud thumping)
- See, I told you
it was a mistake.
A bucket of water for Beau!
(water splashing)
- I'll show ya, I'll show ya!
(paper tearing)
- Okay Beau, you
came a long way,
you won 27 fights in a row.
How you did it in five
days I'll never know but
tonight's the big
one, the champ.
- I ain't scared.
- Atta boy, Beau.
(hand smacking)
Another bucket
of water for Beau!
(water splashing)
- Hi there Beau, baby.
- Ha, Mr. Wackadoo.
- Hello there, Beau.
- Kid, I want you to
do somethin' for me.
- What do you want
me to do, Wackadoo?
- He wants you to
throw the fight tonight.
- Throw the fight?
What do you think I am?
I'm here to be champ, number
one, nothin's gonna stop me.
- How 'bout 50,000?
- What round?
Mom!
- Beau!
- Mom!
- Beau!
- Come on, come on,
this is no time for dancin'.
- Oh I overheard everything
and no member of the
Doe-de-oh-doe family
is going to throw a fight.
(fist smacking)
Now get out there
Beau and fight!
(audience applauding)
- I won, I won, oh mom, I won!
- Oh just think.
The champion, my son,
Beau Doe-dee-oh-doe.
You make me proud.
(fist smacking)
(audience laughing)
Another bucket
of water for Beau.
(water splashing)
- Billy do you think
there's a place
in the racetrack
for girl jockeys?
- No but there's a good spot
in the back of the locker room.
- My man Vita Blue.
Hey look, when you were a kid,
did you ever think
you would be pitching
in the major leagues?
- What do you mean?
I am a kid and I am
pitching in the major leagues.
- Right on, brother.
- [Announcer] So you're
married to the Jolly Green Giant.
Tell me, is he really Jolly?
- Is he ever.
(audience laughing)
(comedic whistle)
- And now we
pause for a pit stop.
Okay we pause for a commercial.
It's the same
difference for both,
the shorter they are the better.
(cow bells clanging)
- Excuse me Jill, it's
time for a station break.
- I'll say.
If ever a station needed
a break it's this one.
- Now listen here, Roman.
This woman chasing
of yours has gotta stop.
Did you hear me Roman?
- Oh sure, yeah, uh huh.
- [Announcer] How
did you and Mr. Jolly
happen to get married?
- I proposed to him.
- [Announcer] Wasn't
that rather unusual?
- Listen, you get
your Jolly your way,
I'll get my Jolly my way.
- And now we return
to the second half
of Laugh-In's Mod
World of Sports.
- Fat lot you know.
- What do you mean?
- I've had enough
of the Mod World of Sports,
we're not gonna
do a second half.
- There's a good part
for me in the second half.
- Oh.
And now we return
to the second half
of Laugh-In's Mod
World of Sports.
- I like to watch football.
I like to see men who have to
wear more padding than I do.
- Gimme a S, gimme a
A, gimme a N and a D.
I said a E, I said a R,
I said a S once again.
Gimme a S, gimme a
A, gimme a N and D.
E-R-S, S-A-N-D.
- Shut up, I'm tryin' to putt.
- Bill Russell, baby!
Hey could you use me
on your basketball team?
- Nope, the balls are already
blown up when we get 'em.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Harvey.
- What?
- That's five walks,
four singles, two
doubles, and a home run.
I think they're gettin' to ya.
- Uh-uh, no don't listen
to him, Harv, don't listen.
- Oh please mom, I'm
in the big leagues now,
I'm 35 years old.
- Ah, but you're still
my little boy, Harv.
Here, have your milk honey.
- Lady, I'm the manager.
- Sorry I only brought
enough for Harvey.
(audience laughing)
- You can't do this in the
middle of a World Series, lady.
- I brought my boy
from the little leagues
and you're gonna
tell me about baseball,
my Harvey needs to relax.
- I think he's been relaxing,
we're behind 15 to nothin'.
- He's a slow starter.
- Well he's a fast finisher,
hit the showers Harvey.
- Sure, go ahead and rub it
in in front of the whole family,
look up there, look
at his cousin Frankie.
- Hey, cousin Frankie's
here, I didn't know that,
hi Frankie!
- That does it,
you're out Harvey.
Okay, Fuhnman.
- Don't worry about it son,
what does he know about
baseball, is he a mother, huh?
- Okay Fuhnman.
You're gonna keep it
low, throw a lotta curves.
Can't attack curves...
- Oh no, oh no,
no honey, not curves, no, no.
The high, fast outside ball
like we practiced.
- What?
- No, no, trust me.
Trust me, I taught him
everything he knows.
Go ahead, honey.
Listen, you'll be alright.
And listen Coach, keep
third base open next year.
Have I got a boy for you.
- Alright you men.
You've been picked to
represent your country
in the International
Olympics, and just remember,
you are not just top athletes,
but you are representatives
of the United States.
And you must display
the highest principles
of sportsmanlike
conduct and fair play.
Alright, now get out there
and clobber those
lousy foreigners.
- Mike, I couldn't decide
if I wanted to be a boxer
or a swimmer, so I
compromised, and in my first fight
I took a dive.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Sugar Ray,
you've been a fighter
for a number of years.
Who do you feel has
hit you the hardest?
- The Internal
Revenue Department.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Bill, baby.
Did you hear the
Celtics just signed
a center over nine feet tall?
- He'll be great if they can
get him out of the locker room.
- I made some training
films for would-be riders.
They're called Jockey Shorts.
Go take your rosy careers
And keep your Broadway joes
We've got a squad that someday's
Gonna have a pack of pros
Though Mankiewicz can't pass
'Cause Fuhnman can't receive
Ribowski's got a walk
Like you would not believe
Just wait until we
get it On the beat
The one and only
Eight man original
Downtown Burbank co-educational
All-American, hut, hut!
- Okay boys.
Hit the showers!
- You got it!
(upbeat playful music)
(audience applauding)
- Now that's the
Mod World of Sports,
now that you've seen that
you probably know more
about sports, right?
- Well I certainly do.
- I certainly hope so.
- And if you don't believe
me just ask me any question.
- Alright, what is
the sport of kings?
- Queens.
- [Announcer] Mrs. Jolly,
what was your wedding night
with Mr. Jolly like?
- Awful, we spent
it in Rhode Island
and my feet kept
hanging over the edge.
(water splashing)
- I could never
cheat on my husband.
- Well would you mind if I did?
- [Announcer] Mrs. Jolly,
how do you and Mr. Jolly
get along?
- Oh we get along great
because I let him wear the plants
in the family.
(audience laughing)
- I'm Toughie.
- I'm Butch.
- I'm Diesel!
- I'm Beans.
And here is the scoop
from your roller derby
(women yelling)
What is the news
across the nation
We have got the information
We just love To give our views
La, la, dee, da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the
news (women yelling)
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen
it's time for the Laugh-In news
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and King Kong going
ape, Mr. Planter going nuts,
Bing Crosby going my
way, skirts going down,
and the economy
going, going, gone.
- And here's what's-his-name
standing in for Dick Martin
with today's news.
- Berlin, Germany,
after years of producing
the same model Volkswagon,
manufacturers have
finally redesigned their car.
The new model features
greater length, a wider wheelbase
and power hungry steering.
(audience laughing)
- New York City, Mayor
Lindsay today established
a new regulation to do
something about the quality of air
in New York City.
From now on between
the hours of nine to five
it's breathing on alternate
sides of the streets only.
(audience laughing)
And now over to Dan
for news of the future.
- Here's the news of the
future, 20 years from now.
After 10 years of successfully
enforcing ecology laws,
the American environment
has become so clean
that immigrants now
requesting to wipe their feet
before entering the country.
(audience laughing)
Thanks Nick.
- [Dick] That's a really
good one, thank you Nick.
- Thanks very
much I appreciate it.
20 years from now the huge
backlog of cases in our courts
with, wait'll I finish,
was finally cleared today.
The oldest case on
the dockets was the suit
brought by a housewife
in Concord, Mass,
against a man riding a
horse across her lawn.
(Dick laughing)
Wait a minute, the verdict
completely exonerated
the accused, a Mr. Paul Revere.
Get it?
- No.
- Ah.
News of the future, 20 years
from now New York City.
After a long and
unsuccessful strike,
the New York Sanitation
Union today returned to work
without a settlement.
Spokesman for the union
said, "We might as well go back,
"we haven't collected the
garbage for two months
"and so far nobody's noticed."
(audience laughing)
- Hi, Big Al here with
a report on boxing.
(bell ringing)
Oh, I love that bell.
Tonight we're here
with boxing champion,
Mr. Ray Robinson.
- You can call me Sugar.
- Oh, but not on television.
(audience laughing)
Anyways, tell our listeners,
what's the one thing you think
every young fighter
should have before he steps
into the ring.
- Drugs.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, drugs.
Can you describe the
toughest fight you ever had?
- My first fight.
You know my opponent
hit me right across
the side of the head.
- Oh, poor baby,
that must've hurt.
- It sure did.
You know that punch went in
one ear and right out the other.
I could show you scars that
would tear your heart out.
- Oh, Sug, do you
miss the old fight game?
- Well every once in awhile.
You know when I hear that bell,
I wanna come out punchin'.
- Alright, you mean a
little old bell like this?
(bell ringing)
(loud crashing)
- Sugar Ray Robinson,
sayin' that's all for sports.
Good night sports buffs.
(bell ringing)
Oh, love that bell.
- Oh I could show you scars
that would tear your heart out.
Get away from me.
- Um, Willy Shoemaker, sir,
you've been more successful
than any other jockey
in history.
Do you mind tellin'
me what's your secret?
- Riding the fastest horses.
- And now still hopscotching
the news around the world,
come in Tel Aviv, Israel.
- The government today
conceded that the Hebrew Sabbath
is being desecrated by
rifle fire, grenade throwing,
and shelling, and has promised
to dedicate future Sabbaths
to conversion of the Arabs.
Conversion efforts
will include rifle fire,
grenade throwing, and shelling.
- Recently there have been
rumors of head hunting in Africa.
Let's go to our
reporter, shall we?
He's on the scene for an
evaluation of the reports.
- Sorry Dan and Dick,
there's absolutely no truth
to those rumors.
- And now news from
the home economic front.
A giant microwave oven
has been developed,
which in 30 seconds
will cook 20 tons of beef.
- Oh, the Department
of Agriculture
is now hard at work
developing a 20-ton cow.
- How would you
milk a 20-ton cow?
- Well you develop a
farmer with huge hands.
- How would a farmer
get that big a hand?
- He'd just have to
sing his little heart out.
(audience laughing)
- Senator, do you
think the unemployment
has reached a dangerous
level in this country?
- Son, I've traveled all
over these 48 states,
and I wouldn't...
- Excuse me, Senator,
there are 50 states.
- Not anymore, son, this
morning two of 'em were laid off.
- So that's the way it is,
Saturday November 11th, 1918.
La, da, dee, da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauding)
- You men, ooh, hard as a rock.
(chuckling)
You men are all alike.
Why can't women
like me play baseball?
- We have a league rule,
we only use new bats.
- Doug Sanders, baby.
Hey you've seen
Dick Martin play,
do you have any tips for him?
- Sure I can tell you how
he can take 10 or 12 shots
off his score.
- Great, how?
- Skip the last hole.
(audience laughing)
- Right before the Indy 500,
we always have a big party
for all the drivers.
A girl jumps out of the
cake and strips her gears.
- [Announcer] Tell me
Mrs. Jolly Green Giant,
what is the biggest problem
you and Mr. Jolly have to face?
- The biggest problem we face
is getting out of
the Volkswagon.
(engine revving)
(upbeat music)
(light, playful music)
- Hey, why don't we go
someplace else and have some fun?
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
- Is this where I can
get a ticket for $2?
- Yes it is.
- Good,
then gimme a ticket for a
round trip to Chicago please,
first class.
- [Announcer] By
the way Mrs. Jolly,
where's the Jolly Green Giant?
- He's in the can.
He was arrested, you know.
- Alright, and now we
want you to, uh, Dick.
Will you please concentrate
on what you're doing?
- How can I concentrate
on what I'm doing
if you keep interrupting me?
- Well talkin' to me is
what you're supposed to be
concentrating on, you know
sometimes you and that silly book
give me a pain in the neck.
- Oh, wait a minute, I
just saw a remedy for that.
Pain in the neck, pain
in the neck, H, H, H.
- Wait a minute, pain
in the neck isn't under H.
- It hurts, doesn't it?
(audience laughing)
Let's see, it says for a sore
neck you sleep four nights
in the rain with no hat on.
- If you did that you'd
be sick as a dog.
- Ah, if it makes
you sick as a dog,
let's see, L, L, L, L.
- L?
- Lassie's the only dog I know.
Let's see, when sick as
a dog stand on your head,
don't chase cars for a week,
but watch out it could
give you a sore neck.
- That's utter nonsense.
- No, it's folk
medicine, right here in
finsterwalles found a
little known fact under C.
- C, why is folk
medicine under C?
- Well you gotta
be crazy to try it.
- I'd have to be crazy
listening to anymore of this.
- Look, I'm just tryin'
to cure your sore neck.
- I don't have a sore neck.
- Son of a gun it worked.
(audience laughing)
- It'd work even better if
we can get to the quickies.
- Quickies, quickies,
let's see, H, H, H.
- H, quickies doesn't
start with an H.
- No, but Millicent does.
- Dick, Millicent
doesn't start with an H,
don't you know what
Millicent starts with?
- Well generally a
couple of martinis.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Dick, let's
go to the quickies.
- Okay, maybe Millicent
has a friend for you.
- I certainly hope so.
- You want an olive
or an onion?
- Under G for girl.
- No, under E for olive.
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
And that's how
hotpants were invented.
(playful music)
- Mr. Wax and Mr. Smolens,
Mr. Wax is here to audition
for the part of the Wolfman.
- Oh, Mr. Wax, you'll
be just right for the part.
- No, no, I'm Mr. Wax, this
is Mr. Smolens, my agent.
- Here I am on Laugh-In,
this is the first time
I ever struck out
in front of the entire nation.
- Appearing on Laugh-In
is like driving a car
in the Indianapolis race.
- Why is that Andy Granatelli?
- Well you can't do it
unless you're really gassed.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Willy Shoemaker,
do you think a woman
like me has any future
in the racing business?
- Yes.
- As a jockey?
- No, as a horse.
(woman gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Ray, what made
you go into boxing?
- Well I looked at these
two hands one day,
and neither one of
'em had any money in it.
- Mary had a little lamb.
- Well don't blame the Rams,
we were playin' in Pittsburgh.
- If at first you don't succeed,
think of it this
way, you failed.
(laughing)
- Russell's story, take one.
- My back just went outta place.
- Uh oh, hold on,
hold on, hold on,
let me check this.
(bones cracking)
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh,
we've got a problem.
- What's the problem?
- My back just went outta place.
(audience laughing)
(bats swinging)
(playful music)
(woman laughing)
(man coughing)
- I have come to save you.
- Did the Coast Guard send ya?
- No, Billy Graham sent me.
- There go my Sundays.
- Yeah.
- Here you are,
two bucks please,
on the Slow Burn in the second.
Say, by the way, what
does he get if he wins?
- Usually a saliva test.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Mrs. Jolly,
who's your favorite singer?
- Don.
- Don Ho?
- Don ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Well you know that
reminds me of the time
my uncle and I were marooned
with the soprano section
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,
in the middle of
the Great Salt Lake.
- You and your uncle,
where was your aunt?
- Nice of you to ask, aw.
She was lost in the
Himalayan islands of Tibet
with Henry Kissinger.
- Sorry I asked.
- That's what Henry said.
- Is that right?
- But what my aunt said was,
"Henry, you might
not be any snowman,
"but you sure are abdominal."
- That's abominable.
- Not according
to my aunt Esther.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Hey Henry I hope
the frostbite clears up.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dickie.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- I might as well
not even be here.
(water splashing)
- Would you be
willing to hunt a lion
with a bow and arrow?
- Sure, a lion can't
shoot a bow and arrow.
- Hey Lily.
- Yes Larry.
- Why does the lion tamer
carry this gun and a chair?
- Well this gun and a chair,
the gun is to get the
chair back from the lion.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I haven't said
it yet, I'm sorry.
- Say anything you want, Al.
- Why won't a lion bill, build,
- It's alright, just
go over it again.
- I think that this is, I don't
wanna be rude about it.
Why won't a lion build
a castle at the beach?
- I don't know Alan, why?
- Because he doesn't
believe in sandy claws.
(audience laughing)
- Why, why, why,
- Yes?
- So tell me why do lions roar
Ann?
- Because they'd sound
ridiculous if they tweeted.
(audience laughing)
- Why, uh, (laughing)
Hey, Dennis.
- Yes Ms. Charman.
- Are all lions called cats?
- No, I knew one named Goldberg.
(audience laughing)
- Hey here's a new thought.
Where does a lion usually
eat what he catches?
- [ALL] Anywhere he wants!
- This show has been prerecorded,
which means it's on tape.
Strange, tape is supposed
to hold things together
much better than this.
(audience laughing)
(light playful music)
(bowling pins knocking)
(bats swinging)
(bowling pins knocking)
- [Woman] Another
bucket of water for Beau.
(water splashing)
- [Woman] Another
bucket of water for Beau.
(water splashing)
- [Man] Another
bucket for Beau, baby.
(water splashing)
(singular clapping)
been riding horses a long time.
How many years
have you been riding?
- Oh about,
(foot stomping)
(audience laughing)
- What are the odds on
Whirly Gig in the second?
- About eight million to one.
- How come?
- He dropped dead
in the paddock.
- Andy Granatelli, how
come it took you 30 years
to win the Indianapolis 500?
- I couldn't get my car started.
(engine roaring)
- Oh that sounded so dangerous,
you could be killed out there.
- I know but pop was a racer,
and so was grandad before him.
Racing's in our blood.
- Well, I guess
you're right, son.
- I knew you'd see it my way.
Okay, mom.
Get out there and beat them.
- Hey, Bill Russell, baby.
Hey do you think pro basketball
is becoming more integrated?
- Sure, you see more and
more white kids playin' every day.
- Right on, baby.
- This is Jill St. John
with a beauty hint.
For you girls who are
worried about crow's feet
around your eyes, put
bird seed in your navel
and they'll walk
down to your stomach.
- Cincinnati's red,
the Red Sox are too,
I just lost to Cleveland,
that's why Vida's blue.
(audience laughing)
- Doug Sanders?
You look pretty
pleased with yourself.
- Well I had a very
unusual day today,
I had two birdies and an eagle.
- Well what's so
unusual about that?
- Nothing, except I was fishin'.
(audience laughing)
- Mind if we play through?
(horn honking)
(audience laughing)
- No more golf
carts today, Lizzy.
(audience laughing)
- [Women] Mind
if we play through?
(audience laughing)
- Hey Sugar, what's your
most outstanding record?
- Oh, three
knockouts in one night.
- Gee, how did you do it?
- I went out with the Supremes.
- Seven, eight, nine
(birds chirping)
10, out.
- Lula, what's that sport
where people run around and
bump into each other?
- Well it's either football,
hockey, or wife swapping.
(laughing)
- Oh, we got a show tonight,
this is the one I've been...
- What, what, what?
- Oh, and our special
guest, the greatest Roman
since Julius Cesar.
- Who?
- Roman Gabriel.
- You're kidding.
(audience applauding)
- We're happy to have
you on the show tonight.
- Well thanks guys, and
it's really great to be here,
but I wanna warn you.
- What's the matter?
- I gotta be careful,
I've watched your show,
and I can't get
hit with any water.
- Oh, well hey,
that's no problem.
We're so delighted you're
here, I'll take the water
for ya.
- You're kidding.
- I never get hit, but
I'll take your water.
- Alright.
- Don't want you to get hurt,
don't want you to get
wet, gimme Gabe's water.
I don't... (water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Yes sir.
The kid can really
throw water, can't he?
Yes sirree.
- That was very
nice of you, Dan.
You know, you go put
on some dry clothes
and you'll be as good as new.
- Certainly.
(audience laughing)
- Well okay, that
takes care of the water.
Now about the trap door.
- Oh.
- I got a bad knee, you know.
- I forgot, well you're our
guest, don't worry about it.
Hey, gimme Gabe's trap door.
(audience laughing)
- How 'bout those
guys takin' all the fun
outta my being on Laugh-In.
First they take my
water, (water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Then they don't even leave
me a trap door to fall through.
I might as well
not even be here.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Turn off the shower.
- Now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
Symphony Hall and Hockey Rink,
NBC, the Nice, Big
Commercials Network
skips the following
important message
and presents instead
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring both feet on
the ground, Dan Rowan.
And completely
floored, Dick Martin.
And, Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Alan,
Johnny Brown, Anne Elder,
Barbara Sharma, and Larry Hovis.
With special guest
star Roman Gabriel,
and many of your favorite
good sports including Vita Blue,
Andy Granatelli, Sugar
Ray Robinson, Hugh Russell,
Doug Sanders, Vin
Scully, William Shoemaker,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with a message for all nurses
listening to this program.
Take two doctors and call
me in the morning, thank you.
But first this commercial.
- These 40 men behind
me all shaved this morning
with the same razor blade,
let's talk to some of them
and see how they liked it.
You sir.
- I was number one, great shave.
- Thank you, and you sir?
- I was number
four, smooth as silk.
- Thank you, and how
was your shave, sir?
- I was number 37.
Hardly knew there
was a blade in the razor.
(audience laughing)
(cymbals crashing)
- [Announcer] Mrs.
Jolly Green Giant,
how come you and
the Jolly Green Giant
don't have any children?
- Well, Mr. Jolly may
know his peas and carrots,
but when it comes to having
kids he doesn't know beans.
- In my years of
basketball I've known guys
who've played great defense,
guys who were great shooters.
But here are two of the
worst dribblers in the world.
Two guys that don't
even know the score.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan and Dick.
(audience applauding)
- You want more.
Bruise for
punishment, thank you.
(audience applauding)
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen
and welcome once
again to, welcome,
what are you doing?
- The foxtrot.
No, no, I don't mean that,
what is it...
- Oh, gee,
I'm modeling my new suit.
My new $3,000 custom-made suit.
- Three, why would you
spend $3,000 for a suit?
- Well you don't expect
me to wear a cheap suit
with a $5,000 overcoat, do you?
- No, I guess not.
That's an awful lotta
money to pay for a suit,
what's it made of?
- Rice.
- Why would you want
a suit made of rice?
- 'Cause I don't look
good in potatoes.
(audience laughing)
- I suppose the shirt's
made outta bananas.
- Of course not,
bananas don't go with rice.
- Oh.
- It's made of artichokes.
- Artichokes.
Would you mind telling
me who your tailor is?
- Not at all.
- Well who is it?
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Who is your tailor?
- My tailor happens to
be Aida the Rice Weaver.
- Aida the Rice,
your tailor's a woman.
- Well if she isn't
there's some cute guy
runnin' around in a rice patty
wearing my engagement ring.
(audience laughing)
- That's an incredibly
expensive suit.
How much was the material?
- Ah, let's see now, at 12
cents a box it was about $4.
- About $4.
- I've got enough left over
to make a pair of pants.
(audience laughing)
- That still leaves over $2,900.
- Well you can't spend a
week in Bermuda on much less.
- Why did you have
to go to Bermuda?
- 'Cause we couldn't get
reservations in Acapulco.
- Oh, I've had it
with your $3,000 suit.
- Sure, but have you ever
had it with my $5,000 overcoat?
(audience laughing)
- But I've had it with you,
and I don't even wanna go
to the cocktail party with
you, I'm gonna go all alone.
- Oh come on, I
wanna go with you,
but I hope they have
some food there.
- What are you worried about?
- Well, I'm afraid
someone'll eat my suit.
(audience laughing)
- You guys are nuts.
- And here's a
partial score, three.
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
- Oh, I was going
to take up golf,
but every time I wanted
to go out and play a round,
I had to stay home
and play around.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, national
parks are so crowded.
The other day I went
camping in Yellowstone,
and I found a squirrel
stirring his acorns
in my glove compartment.
(audience laughing)
- Daniel Ellsberg is a very
difficult man to photograph.
He exposed my film before
I could get it developed.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
(woman laughing)
- You know somethin' baby?
People would like you a lot more
if ya just let your hair down.
- You mean my personality
would be revealed?
- No, your face
would be covered.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, 'excuse me, Senator.
A recent survey showed
that you politicians
are the last people to
know what's going on
in government.
- Well if that's true, son,
it's the first I've heard of it.
(audience laughing)
- There's a big movement
today to give the Indians back
what once belonged to them.
But what are we going to do
with 50 million dead buffalos?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
- I went to court yesterday
and was tried by a lady judge.
- Oh, how did she find you?
- Fantastic.
(audience laughing)
- You know being heavy
can be very expensive.
The other day I weighed
myself on a penny scale,
and it cost me $14.
(audience laughing)
- I just heard there's a
copy of the Pentagon Papers
at the LBJ Library.
It's marked, long overdue.
(audience laughing)
- Woo, now listen
toots, tell me,
where are you gonna
spend your honeymoon?
- Oh the Ilauer's Motel.
Richard is so sentimental.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy brass music)
- Anybody who guesses
what I've got in my hand
gets a night of wild romance.
- A 10-ton elephant.
- Good heavens,
we've got a winner.
- Hey Sugar Ray, where
would you say you did your
fanciest footwork?
- Oh, Dan, back in '49 when
my car broke down in Alabama.
- Bill why do you use
a whip in horse racing?
- Because if I used
a gun they'd die.
- Say, you're Vita
Blue, aren't you?
- That's right.
- Oh, well,
do you mind if I
take your picture?
- Not at all.
- Okay, say cheese.
- Okay, but blue
cheese is 25 cents extra.
- Now lemme just
make this perfectly clear.
We gonna play
basketball as a team.
There ain't gonna be no
stars, no special treatment.
Do I make myself clear?
- Is that okay with
you, sweetie baby?
- Ooh, oh I feel I am
about to receive a customer.
A tall, fat woman,
she has lost her dog.
- Listen, I lost my car keys.
- Oh, close, very close.
(audience laughing)
- My car's parked 20
blocks away from here.
- Oh, well don't worry,
with my crystal ball
I can find any lost object.
Now let's see, crystal
ball, crystal ball.
This is funny, oh you
can never find somethin'
when you need it.
- Hilarious.
- Now wait, wait.
My deck of cards.
They'll tell me where
the crystal ball is.
Cards, cards, oh,
where are those cards?
Oh wait, wait,
they're in the car.
Now all I need is my keys.
- Look, maybe I
can find 'em myself.
It's only 20 blocks.
Hey, what's this?
(woman gasping)
- Oh good, it's my crystal ball!
- Oh, good.
- Oh good.
Now we can find the keys.
- What a relief.
- Oh yes.
Yes, yes, I see them.
- Where are they?
- Right in the car
where I left them.
- Not your keys, mine.
- Oh, okay, but it
may take awhile,
there's 20 blocks
to cover out there.
- Forget it.
I'll cover those
20 blocks myself
if I have to crawl on
my hands and knees.
- Oh, no, no, wait, wait,
please sit down, please.
Now look.
For $10 I can reach my
spirit contact on the other side.
- Yeah, yeah.
(woman clearing throat)
- Oh, spirit contact,
speak to me!
- [Disembodied Voice]
Oooo, this is me, Harold,
your spirit contact
speakin' to you.
- Oh, listen, listen Harold.
I have a problem.
- [Harold] You have a
problem, my mother-in-law
just passed away and
is coming to live with us,
and you got a problem?
(audience laughing)
- Listen Harold, this is
my only customer today,
I need the $10, I am
down to using (laughing)
a plastic crystal ball.
Now please just find
the man's car keys.
- [Harold] Okay, but it'll
take awhile, don't forget,
I have to cover 20 blocks
on my hands and knees.
- Would you just go home
and look in your spirit mirror?
- [Harold] I can't go home.
- Why not?
- [Harold] I lost my car keys.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Edith Ann.
And my sister Mary Jean
brought a magazine
hidden in her blouse.
And mama seen her reading it.
And it had pictures of bad
ladies with no clothes on.
And mama snatched it out
and yelled and punished her.
And then later mama
said, "Edith, get undressed
"and go to bed."
And I said, "I will
not get undressed,
"only bad ladies
take off their clothes."
(audience laughing)
So I went to sleep with
my coat and my shoes on.
And you know what?
I think it's more
comfortable to be a bad lady.
And that's the truth.
(lady blowing raspberry)
- They asked me to come
on Laugh-In, I said no.
But then they got me
something and I signed to do it.
- What did they get you?
- Drunk.
(audience laughing)
- Athletes know that their
careers on the playing field
may be over while they're
still very young men.
And soon they must
prepare themselves for work
in other fields.
Some have even
turned to medicine.
- [Announcer] And now
for the surgical team.
At left, nurse Mary Kowalski.
(audience laughing)
At right, nurse Sally Carlman.
And intern Crazy
Fingers Hershfeld.
And the captain of the team,
Dr. Broadway Joe Fuhman.
(audience applauding)
- Okay now, I know this
ailment we're up against is tough.
But if we all get in
there and pull together
we can lick it.
(whistle blowing)
Okay Crazy Legs, you
snap the scalpel to me.
I'll hand off to nurse Carlman
who will lateral back to you.
Then you cut in over
here and cut back there.
When he's open pass
the sutures onto me
and I'll take it
on in, you got it?
- Got it.
- Okay, let's go.
And hike!
- [Nurse] Go pelvis.
(doctors yelling)
- Lateral, ha!
(doctors yelling)
(tools drilling)
(cash register clinking)
(whistle blowing)
- Oh doctor, that was terrific.
Oh I'd love to see that
again on instant replay.
(audience laughing)
- You think he's gonna make it?
- Ah, we've just
about got him fun.
- Ah, ah, pigskin.
- Well that's six
points for him.
We've lost another one.
- Alright Joe, I forgot,
trade you to a place
where I think you
could do a better job.
- Mount Sinai
Hospital in New York?
- No, Mount Cavalry
Cemetery in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Soccer's a big sport in
Europe, and especially in Italy.
The players use only
their feet to kick the ball.
It leaves their
hands free to talk.
(audience laughing)
- And now it's time...
- For our mystery
person contest.
- Alright, now wait a minute.
- And here's our mystery person.
(audience applauding)
Okay Johnny, time
for tonight's clue.
- And may the bird of
paradise sit at your table
and molt in your oatmeal.
(audience laughing)
- That's wonderful, and
this week's prize are a lock
of Yule Brinner's skin.
- And a cup of
cheese dip leftover
from the Burt and
Taylor wedding,
suitable for framing.
(audience laughing)
- Now this is idiotic,
I told you last week
everybody knows who this man is.
- Well let's find
out if they do or not,
roll out the barrel.
- Roll out the barrel.
- Ah ha.
- What's that?
- That's our mail.
- That's your mail.
- It's really flooding in.
- Overwhelming.
- Here's one from Harvey
Fuhnman of Lompot, California.
He thinks the mystery
guest is Lyle Talbot.
- Incredible.
- And here's one
from Lyle Talbot.
He thinks the mystery
guest is Harvey Fuhnman.
(audience laughing)
- Well they're both wrong.
- Course they are,
Lyle Talbot doesn't look
anything like Harvey Fuhnman.
- That's true.
- I'll be so glad when
this foolish contest is over.
- Me too, the
suspense is killing me!
- Oh Dick, Dick,
here's an urgent wire.
- Ah, oh thanks.
It's from Ed McMahon.
- Oh good, at least this
dumb contest will get over now,
read it.
- Says here,
"Dear Dick and Dan,
"are you sure it isn't Harvey
Fuhnman or Lyle Talbot?"
(audience laughing)
- Thought we had a winner.
Well, maybe next week.
- Maybe next week.
- Good luck, viewers.
(audience applauding)
- I told you it'd be exciting.
- What kinda contest is this,
it's either gotta be Arnold
Palmer or Agnes Moorhead.
- Hey, what's the secret?
It's either Max Baer
or Peggy Flemming.
- No, I'd say it's
either Chris Schenkel
or Esther Williams.
- No, anybody can tell
it's either Mario Andretti
or Tony Fields.
- Well, I'd say it's
either Lawrence Harvey
or Rex Reid.
- Wrong, it's either
Will Chamberlain
or Moms Mabley.
- [Announcer] Mrs.
Jolly, do you object
to the Jolly Green Giant
raising corn in the valley?
- No, I only get upset
when he raises cane
in the neighborhood.
(light playful music)
(woman whispering)
- What are you talkin' about,
I don't even respect you now.
- [Announcer] How come
the Jolly Green Giant is green?
- You'd be green too if you
ate nothing but peas and beans.
(audience laughing)
(newspaper slapping)
- What's wrong, pal?
- Oh Peacock's Pride
finished first in the fourth.
- Well that's terrific.
- What's terrific, he
was running in the third.
- Tonight we're going to look
at the Mod World of Sports.
- Good, and when you're
finished you call me,
I'll be in the dressing room.
- You'd better hang around,
you might learn somethin'.
- Are you kidding, I
already know everything
there is to know about sports.
- Is that a fact?
- Well sure.
- You're a real sport expert.
- I love sports.
- Oh it's an easy thing
to check out, tell me this.
Who's the world's fastest man?
- Fred Nurn.
(audience laughing)
- Fred Nurn?
- Yeah.
- I've never seen him run.
- Neither has anybody else.
(mimics car engine)
- That's the hummer,
that's the hummer.
- You know when
he's standin' still
he's still a little blurry.
- Yeah, yeah, you're
a little blurry too.
Wait a minute sports expert,
what's the world's
record for the high jump?
- Uh, a foot and a half.
- A foot and a, I can
jump a foot and a half.
- Well sure you can, but you
wanna go in the record book
with a lousy jump like that?
(audience laughing)
- You got a point there.
- Well thank you, I learned
it from my hunting dog.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Do you know who
won the Kenturkey,
(laughing)
- Is it the Kenturkey Darby?
- No, it's the, do you know
who won the Kentucky Derby
last year?
- Of course I do,
it was a horse, huh?
And he did it the hard
way, there was a little man
sittin' on his back.
(audience laughing)
I even know who came in second.
- I suppose another horse.
- No, it was an elephant.
- I never saw an elephant
in the Kentucky Derby.
- Well now how could
you miss an elephant,
you better have
your eyes examined.
- I'm gonna give
you an easy one.
- Alright.
- What's a home run?
- Oh, two and a den
would run about $20,000.
(laughing)
Now if you have
a pool it's more.
- You don't know
anything about baseball,
do you?
- Of course I do,
I used to play shortstop
with the Baltimore Bunnies.
- That sounds
like a girl's team.
- Well if it isn't there's a
second baseman in Baltimore
wearin' my mother's
engagement ring.
(audience laughing)
- I'll give you another chance,
what do you call a hockey player
who stands in front of the
net and catches the puck?
- Stupid.
- You're wrong.
- Yeah, well give me
one last chance.
- Alright, this is
the last chance.
In fishing, what do
you usually catch
when you fly cast?
- Flies.
- Wrong.
You catch trout.
- Ah ha, but yes,
but what happens
when you leave the tree,
the troo, - The troo?
- Trout, what happens
when you leave the trout
out in the sun, huh,
answer me that.
- It catches flies.
- Ah ha, you see how I
just cut out the middle man.
(laughing)
- Let's take a look at them.
You might learn something.
I'd like to introduce
A very special football team
(whistle blowing)
- Fuhnman!
- Kripowski!
- Mankiewicz!
(players shouting)
- Sullivan!
- Germanties.
- Furk.
- Furk?
- Yeah, so what's it to ya?
We got a lotta push
We got a lotta steam
'Cause we're the one and only
Downtown Burbank football team
We like to pass that ball
We like to shift and hike
We got a rootin' tootin' coach
The fellas really like
We've got an end that's great
Our quarterback's a dream
'Cause they got ladies
On the Downtown
Burbank football team
With all the chicks around
It's always love in bloom
Of course it gets
a little touchy
In the locker room
We've won a lot of fans
We won a lot of babes
We won a lot of everything
Except a football game
Oh we can't seem to score
We really ring the bell
We practice Sundays in the lobby
Of the Nurn Hotel
Take your end around your end
And line up in a T formation
Try the Statue of Liberty play
Shift, hike, wee!
Our team ain't half and half
Our team is solid green
In fact in summertime
We double as a softball team
Though our defense is slow
Our offense ain't quick
We love to block that line
We love to hit that kick
We love to hear that
public Yell and scream
- For Fuhlman!
- Ripowski!
- Mankiewicz!
(woman yelling)
- Annalucci!
- Sullivan!
- Gervanties.
- Furk!
- Furk? (whistle blowing)
The one and only
Eight man original
Downtown Burbank co-educational
All-American Football team
- 41, 22, 38!
- Bingo!
(audience applauding)
- Roman Gabriel scores again.
Oh, just imagine
what it would be like
bein' married to
a man like that.
(woman yawning)
So strong and wonderful.
When he makes a
pass, (woman whistling)
(woman snoring)
- Hi honey, I'm home.
- Oh, Roman, I missed you!
- (laughing) You missed again.
- Oh, oh, football!
Football, all you ever
think about is football!
Why did you ever marry
me in the first place?
- For sentimental reasons.
- Oh, I remind you
of your mother?
- No, you remind
me of Joe Namath.
- Oh, he must be gorgeous.
- He is, he is.
- Oh, Roman, why
can't we do the things
we did on our honeymoon?
It was so beautiful.
- Not tonight, I got a headache.
- Oh, please Roman, just
once for old time's sake.
Please.
- Okay, only once.
- Hey, five, four,
three, two, one, hike!
(audience laughing)
Oh Roman, promise
me you'll never do this
with anyone else.
(audience laughing)
- If Roman Gabriel
played golf like he acts
he could be vice president.
- After seein' Roman
Gabriel's performance,
I think he should be
charged with a personal foul.
- I don't know too
much about acting,
but if my horse
performed like that
I'd have him put to pasture.
- Only one thing can explain
a performance like that.
Somebody must've paid
Roman to throw the show.
- I recommend STP,
Stop That Performance.
- So what'll it be, hun?
(fingers snapping)
- Gimme a E, gimme
a G, gimme a E-G-G.
I said a egg, I said a
egg, I said a egg, egg, egg.
- Uh huh, and
how do you want it?
- Raw, raw, raw-raw-raw.
- So son, you ready for that
big track meet tomorrow?
- You know dad,
I'm in great shape.
- Good, you're the best
shot-putter the school has.
- Hey son, would you
pass the potatoes?
- [Son] You got it.
(audience laughing)
(light playful music)
- They can kid Doug all
they want about his golf.
But I saw him play
18 holes of golf
and he got a standing ovation
from the survivors.
- Miss, why are you
wearing a track suit?
- Are you kidding, I'm
gonna run 27 miles today.
- Oh, you mean being a
housewife in the kitchen?
- No, being a runner
in the Boston Marathon.
Get outta my
way Bill, I'm losing.
- Alright men, this is it.
We're up against our
arch rivals the Yale Crew.
So I want ya to
really strug those oars
and put your backs into it.
- [Announcer] Teams,
take your marks!
Get set, go!
(gun firing)
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
- Bring your cameras
in boys, right in here.
Hi Bronco, I'm Vin Scully.
- Oh hi, hi.
Oh love your shirt.
- Oh thank you.
I'd like to interview you on TV.
- Oh heavens yes, oh,
but I must look a mess,
how's my hair?
- Oh no, just fine.
Bronco I'd like to ask
you a couple of questions.
- Hmm, well you
just go ahead and ask
anything your
little heart desires.
- Alright guys, ready
to film now, huh?
Roll it.
Bronco, one thing
I'd like to ask about,
there have been some
rumors going about
that a number of football
players aren't quite as manly
as they could be.
What about that?
- Well golly Vin, I don't
know where you'd hear
a thing like that.
(audience laughing)
Would you hold this for me?
- Surely.
Shirley? Don't call me Shirley.
(telephone ringing)
- Hello.
No I'm sorry, no Harry
can't come to the phone.
He just sat down to watch
the first football game
of the season.
I'll have him get back to
you as soon as he can.
Probably around February.
(audience laughing)
- We're gonna clean up tonight.
I gave the champ 50
grand to take a dive.
- What?
I just slipped the challenger
60,000 to throw the fight.
(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Roman, you're not really
big for a football player,
how do you keep
from getting hurt?
- Well whenever there's
danger some big linemen come in
and help me out.
- Oh, excuse me Mr. Gabriel.
I've been dying to kiss you.
Oh, oh, oh!
- Oh Roman, Roman!
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I've come to a decision.
- What is it, Beau?
- I'm giving up the piano.
To become a boxer.
- Oh but Beau.
We never had a piano.
- Don't worry mom,
I'll get you one.
I'm going to become a fighter.
Don't try and stop me.
- Son, son, son, you're
making a big mistake.
- I'm sorry, mom.
I've got to do this.
But it's for your own good.
(loud thumping)
(loud thumping)
- See, I told you
it was a mistake.
A bucket of water for Beau!
(water splashing)
- I'll show ya, I'll show ya!
(paper tearing)
- Okay Beau, you
came a long way,
you won 27 fights in a row.
How you did it in five
days I'll never know but
tonight's the big
one, the champ.
- I ain't scared.
- Atta boy, Beau.
(hand smacking)
Another bucket
of water for Beau!
(water splashing)
- Hi there Beau, baby.
- Ha, Mr. Wackadoo.
- Hello there, Beau.
- Kid, I want you to
do somethin' for me.
- What do you want
me to do, Wackadoo?
- He wants you to
throw the fight tonight.
- Throw the fight?
What do you think I am?
I'm here to be champ, number
one, nothin's gonna stop me.
- How 'bout 50,000?
- What round?
Mom!
- Beau!
- Mom!
- Beau!
- Come on, come on,
this is no time for dancin'.
- Oh I overheard everything
and no member of the
Doe-de-oh-doe family
is going to throw a fight.
(fist smacking)
Now get out there
Beau and fight!
(audience applauding)
- I won, I won, oh mom, I won!
- Oh just think.
The champion, my son,
Beau Doe-dee-oh-doe.
You make me proud.
(fist smacking)
(audience laughing)
Another bucket
of water for Beau.
(water splashing)
- Billy do you think
there's a place
in the racetrack
for girl jockeys?
- No but there's a good spot
in the back of the locker room.
- My man Vita Blue.
Hey look, when you were a kid,
did you ever think
you would be pitching
in the major leagues?
- What do you mean?
I am a kid and I am
pitching in the major leagues.
- Right on, brother.
- [Announcer] So you're
married to the Jolly Green Giant.
Tell me, is he really Jolly?
- Is he ever.
(audience laughing)
(comedic whistle)
- And now we
pause for a pit stop.
Okay we pause for a commercial.
It's the same
difference for both,
the shorter they are the better.
(cow bells clanging)
- Excuse me Jill, it's
time for a station break.
- I'll say.
If ever a station needed
a break it's this one.
- Now listen here, Roman.
This woman chasing
of yours has gotta stop.
Did you hear me Roman?
- Oh sure, yeah, uh huh.
- [Announcer] How
did you and Mr. Jolly
happen to get married?
- I proposed to him.
- [Announcer] Wasn't
that rather unusual?
- Listen, you get
your Jolly your way,
I'll get my Jolly my way.
- And now we return
to the second half
of Laugh-In's Mod
World of Sports.
- Fat lot you know.
- What do you mean?
- I've had enough
of the Mod World of Sports,
we're not gonna
do a second half.
- There's a good part
for me in the second half.
- Oh.
And now we return
to the second half
of Laugh-In's Mod
World of Sports.
- I like to watch football.
I like to see men who have to
wear more padding than I do.
- Gimme a S, gimme a
A, gimme a N and a D.
I said a E, I said a R,
I said a S once again.
Gimme a S, gimme a
A, gimme a N and D.
E-R-S, S-A-N-D.
- Shut up, I'm tryin' to putt.
- Bill Russell, baby!
Hey could you use me
on your basketball team?
- Nope, the balls are already
blown up when we get 'em.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Harvey.
- What?
- That's five walks,
four singles, two
doubles, and a home run.
I think they're gettin' to ya.
- Uh-uh, no don't listen
to him, Harv, don't listen.
- Oh please mom, I'm
in the big leagues now,
I'm 35 years old.
- Ah, but you're still
my little boy, Harv.
Here, have your milk honey.
- Lady, I'm the manager.
- Sorry I only brought
enough for Harvey.
(audience laughing)
- You can't do this in the
middle of a World Series, lady.
- I brought my boy
from the little leagues
and you're gonna
tell me about baseball,
my Harvey needs to relax.
- I think he's been relaxing,
we're behind 15 to nothin'.
- He's a slow starter.
- Well he's a fast finisher,
hit the showers Harvey.
- Sure, go ahead and rub it
in in front of the whole family,
look up there, look
at his cousin Frankie.
- Hey, cousin Frankie's
here, I didn't know that,
hi Frankie!
- That does it,
you're out Harvey.
Okay, Fuhnman.
- Don't worry about it son,
what does he know about
baseball, is he a mother, huh?
- Okay Fuhnman.
You're gonna keep it
low, throw a lotta curves.
Can't attack curves...
- Oh no, oh no,
no honey, not curves, no, no.
The high, fast outside ball
like we practiced.
- What?
- No, no, trust me.
Trust me, I taught him
everything he knows.
Go ahead, honey.
Listen, you'll be alright.
And listen Coach, keep
third base open next year.
Have I got a boy for you.
- Alright you men.
You've been picked to
represent your country
in the International
Olympics, and just remember,
you are not just top athletes,
but you are representatives
of the United States.
And you must display
the highest principles
of sportsmanlike
conduct and fair play.
Alright, now get out there
and clobber those
lousy foreigners.
- Mike, I couldn't decide
if I wanted to be a boxer
or a swimmer, so I
compromised, and in my first fight
I took a dive.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Sugar Ray,
you've been a fighter
for a number of years.
Who do you feel has
hit you the hardest?
- The Internal
Revenue Department.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Bill, baby.
Did you hear the
Celtics just signed
a center over nine feet tall?
- He'll be great if they can
get him out of the locker room.
- I made some training
films for would-be riders.
They're called Jockey Shorts.
Go take your rosy careers
And keep your Broadway joes
We've got a squad that someday's
Gonna have a pack of pros
Though Mankiewicz can't pass
'Cause Fuhnman can't receive
Ribowski's got a walk
Like you would not believe
Just wait until we
get it On the beat
The one and only
Eight man original
Downtown Burbank co-educational
All-American, hut, hut!
- Okay boys.
Hit the showers!
- You got it!
(upbeat playful music)
(audience applauding)
- Now that's the
Mod World of Sports,
now that you've seen that
you probably know more
about sports, right?
- Well I certainly do.
- I certainly hope so.
- And if you don't believe
me just ask me any question.
- Alright, what is
the sport of kings?
- Queens.
- [Announcer] Mrs. Jolly,
what was your wedding night
with Mr. Jolly like?
- Awful, we spent
it in Rhode Island
and my feet kept
hanging over the edge.
(water splashing)
- I could never
cheat on my husband.
- Well would you mind if I did?
- [Announcer] Mrs. Jolly,
how do you and Mr. Jolly
get along?
- Oh we get along great
because I let him wear the plants
in the family.
(audience laughing)
- I'm Toughie.
- I'm Butch.
- I'm Diesel!
- I'm Beans.
And here is the scoop
from your roller derby
(women yelling)
What is the news
across the nation
We have got the information
We just love To give our views
La, la, dee, da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the
news (women yelling)
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen
it's time for the Laugh-In news
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and King Kong going
ape, Mr. Planter going nuts,
Bing Crosby going my
way, skirts going down,
and the economy
going, going, gone.
- And here's what's-his-name
standing in for Dick Martin
with today's news.
- Berlin, Germany,
after years of producing
the same model Volkswagon,
manufacturers have
finally redesigned their car.
The new model features
greater length, a wider wheelbase
and power hungry steering.
(audience laughing)
- New York City, Mayor
Lindsay today established
a new regulation to do
something about the quality of air
in New York City.
From now on between
the hours of nine to five
it's breathing on alternate
sides of the streets only.
(audience laughing)
And now over to Dan
for news of the future.
- Here's the news of the
future, 20 years from now.
After 10 years of successfully
enforcing ecology laws,
the American environment
has become so clean
that immigrants now
requesting to wipe their feet
before entering the country.
(audience laughing)
Thanks Nick.
- [Dick] That's a really
good one, thank you Nick.
- Thanks very
much I appreciate it.
20 years from now the huge
backlog of cases in our courts
with, wait'll I finish,
was finally cleared today.
The oldest case on
the dockets was the suit
brought by a housewife
in Concord, Mass,
against a man riding a
horse across her lawn.
(Dick laughing)
Wait a minute, the verdict
completely exonerated
the accused, a Mr. Paul Revere.
Get it?
- No.
- Ah.
News of the future, 20 years
from now New York City.
After a long and
unsuccessful strike,
the New York Sanitation
Union today returned to work
without a settlement.
Spokesman for the union
said, "We might as well go back,
"we haven't collected the
garbage for two months
"and so far nobody's noticed."
(audience laughing)
- Hi, Big Al here with
a report on boxing.
(bell ringing)
Oh, I love that bell.
Tonight we're here
with boxing champion,
Mr. Ray Robinson.
- You can call me Sugar.
- Oh, but not on television.
(audience laughing)
Anyways, tell our listeners,
what's the one thing you think
every young fighter
should have before he steps
into the ring.
- Drugs.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, drugs.
Can you describe the
toughest fight you ever had?
- My first fight.
You know my opponent
hit me right across
the side of the head.
- Oh, poor baby,
that must've hurt.
- It sure did.
You know that punch went in
one ear and right out the other.
I could show you scars that
would tear your heart out.
- Oh, Sug, do you
miss the old fight game?
- Well every once in awhile.
You know when I hear that bell,
I wanna come out punchin'.
- Alright, you mean a
little old bell like this?
(bell ringing)
(loud crashing)
- Sugar Ray Robinson,
sayin' that's all for sports.
Good night sports buffs.
(bell ringing)
Oh, love that bell.
- Oh I could show you scars
that would tear your heart out.
Get away from me.
- Um, Willy Shoemaker, sir,
you've been more successful
than any other jockey
in history.
Do you mind tellin'
me what's your secret?
- Riding the fastest horses.
- And now still hopscotching
the news around the world,
come in Tel Aviv, Israel.
- The government today
conceded that the Hebrew Sabbath
is being desecrated by
rifle fire, grenade throwing,
and shelling, and has promised
to dedicate future Sabbaths
to conversion of the Arabs.
Conversion efforts
will include rifle fire,
grenade throwing, and shelling.
- Recently there have been
rumors of head hunting in Africa.
Let's go to our
reporter, shall we?
He's on the scene for an
evaluation of the reports.
- Sorry Dan and Dick,
there's absolutely no truth
to those rumors.
- And now news from
the home economic front.
A giant microwave oven
has been developed,
which in 30 seconds
will cook 20 tons of beef.
- Oh, the Department
of Agriculture
is now hard at work
developing a 20-ton cow.
- How would you
milk a 20-ton cow?
- Well you develop a
farmer with huge hands.
- How would a farmer
get that big a hand?
- He'd just have to
sing his little heart out.
(audience laughing)
- Senator, do you
think the unemployment
has reached a dangerous
level in this country?
- Son, I've traveled all
over these 48 states,
and I wouldn't...
- Excuse me, Senator,
there are 50 states.
- Not anymore, son, this
morning two of 'em were laid off.
- So that's the way it is,
Saturday November 11th, 1918.
La, da, dee, da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauding)
- You men, ooh, hard as a rock.
(chuckling)
You men are all alike.
Why can't women
like me play baseball?
- We have a league rule,
we only use new bats.
- Doug Sanders, baby.
Hey you've seen
Dick Martin play,
do you have any tips for him?
- Sure I can tell you how
he can take 10 or 12 shots
off his score.
- Great, how?
- Skip the last hole.
(audience laughing)
- Right before the Indy 500,
we always have a big party
for all the drivers.
A girl jumps out of the
cake and strips her gears.
- [Announcer] Tell me
Mrs. Jolly Green Giant,
what is the biggest problem
you and Mr. Jolly have to face?
- The biggest problem we face
is getting out of
the Volkswagon.
(engine revving)
(upbeat music)
(light, playful music)
- Hey, why don't we go
someplace else and have some fun?
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
- Is this where I can
get a ticket for $2?
- Yes it is.
- Good,
then gimme a ticket for a
round trip to Chicago please,
first class.
- [Announcer] By
the way Mrs. Jolly,
where's the Jolly Green Giant?
- He's in the can.
He was arrested, you know.
- Alright, and now we
want you to, uh, Dick.
Will you please concentrate
on what you're doing?
- How can I concentrate
on what I'm doing
if you keep interrupting me?
- Well talkin' to me is
what you're supposed to be
concentrating on, you know
sometimes you and that silly book
give me a pain in the neck.
- Oh, wait a minute, I
just saw a remedy for that.
Pain in the neck, pain
in the neck, H, H, H.
- Wait a minute, pain
in the neck isn't under H.
- It hurts, doesn't it?
(audience laughing)
Let's see, it says for a sore
neck you sleep four nights
in the rain with no hat on.
- If you did that you'd
be sick as a dog.
- Ah, if it makes
you sick as a dog,
let's see, L, L, L, L.
- L?
- Lassie's the only dog I know.
Let's see, when sick as
a dog stand on your head,
don't chase cars for a week,
but watch out it could
give you a sore neck.
- That's utter nonsense.
- No, it's folk
medicine, right here in
finsterwalles found a
little known fact under C.
- C, why is folk
medicine under C?
- Well you gotta
be crazy to try it.
- I'd have to be crazy
listening to anymore of this.
- Look, I'm just tryin'
to cure your sore neck.
- I don't have a sore neck.
- Son of a gun it worked.
(audience laughing)
- It'd work even better if
we can get to the quickies.
- Quickies, quickies,
let's see, H, H, H.
- H, quickies doesn't
start with an H.
- No, but Millicent does.
- Dick, Millicent
doesn't start with an H,
don't you know what
Millicent starts with?
- Well generally a
couple of martinis.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Dick, let's
go to the quickies.
- Okay, maybe Millicent
has a friend for you.
- I certainly hope so.
- You want an olive
or an onion?
- Under G for girl.
- No, under E for olive.
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
And that's how
hotpants were invented.
(playful music)
- Mr. Wax and Mr. Smolens,
Mr. Wax is here to audition
for the part of the Wolfman.
- Oh, Mr. Wax, you'll
be just right for the part.
- No, no, I'm Mr. Wax, this
is Mr. Smolens, my agent.
- Here I am on Laugh-In,
this is the first time
I ever struck out
in front of the entire nation.
- Appearing on Laugh-In
is like driving a car
in the Indianapolis race.
- Why is that Andy Granatelli?
- Well you can't do it
unless you're really gassed.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Willy Shoemaker,
do you think a woman
like me has any future
in the racing business?
- Yes.
- As a jockey?
- No, as a horse.
(woman gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Ray, what made
you go into boxing?
- Well I looked at these
two hands one day,
and neither one of
'em had any money in it.
- Mary had a little lamb.
- Well don't blame the Rams,
we were playin' in Pittsburgh.
- If at first you don't succeed,
think of it this
way, you failed.
(laughing)
- Russell's story, take one.
- My back just went outta place.
- Uh oh, hold on,
hold on, hold on,
let me check this.
(bones cracking)
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh,
we've got a problem.
- What's the problem?
- My back just went outta place.
(audience laughing)
(bats swinging)
(playful music)
(woman laughing)
(man coughing)
- I have come to save you.
- Did the Coast Guard send ya?
- No, Billy Graham sent me.
- There go my Sundays.
- Yeah.
- Here you are,
two bucks please,
on the Slow Burn in the second.
Say, by the way, what
does he get if he wins?
- Usually a saliva test.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Mrs. Jolly,
who's your favorite singer?
- Don.
- Don Ho?
- Don ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Well you know that
reminds me of the time
my uncle and I were marooned
with the soprano section
of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,
in the middle of
the Great Salt Lake.
- You and your uncle,
where was your aunt?
- Nice of you to ask, aw.
She was lost in the
Himalayan islands of Tibet
with Henry Kissinger.
- Sorry I asked.
- That's what Henry said.
- Is that right?
- But what my aunt said was,
"Henry, you might
not be any snowman,
"but you sure are abdominal."
- That's abominable.
- Not according
to my aunt Esther.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Hey Henry I hope
the frostbite clears up.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight ladies
and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dickie.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- I might as well
not even be here.
(water splashing)
- Would you be
willing to hunt a lion
with a bow and arrow?
- Sure, a lion can't
shoot a bow and arrow.
- Hey Lily.
- Yes Larry.
- Why does the lion tamer
carry this gun and a chair?
- Well this gun and a chair,
the gun is to get the
chair back from the lion.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I haven't said
it yet, I'm sorry.
- Say anything you want, Al.
- Why won't a lion bill, build,
- It's alright, just
go over it again.
- I think that this is, I don't
wanna be rude about it.
Why won't a lion build
a castle at the beach?
- I don't know Alan, why?
- Because he doesn't
believe in sandy claws.
(audience laughing)
- Why, why, why,
- Yes?
- So tell me why do lions roar
Ann?
- Because they'd sound
ridiculous if they tweeted.
(audience laughing)
- Why, uh, (laughing)
Hey, Dennis.
- Yes Ms. Charman.
- Are all lions called cats?
- No, I knew one named Goldberg.
(audience laughing)
- Hey here's a new thought.
Where does a lion usually
eat what he catches?
- [ALL] Anywhere he wants!
- This show has been prerecorded,
which means it's on tape.
Strange, tape is supposed
to hold things together
much better than this.
(audience laughing)
(light playful music)
(bowling pins knocking)
(bats swinging)
(bowling pins knocking)
- [Woman] Another
bucket of water for Beau.
(water splashing)
- [Woman] Another
bucket of water for Beau.
(water splashing)
- [Man] Another
bucket for Beau, baby.
(water splashing)
(singular clapping)