Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 18 - Episode #5.18 - full transcript
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Diamond Exchange and Glassworks,
NBC the never
been copied network
gets somebody else's idea
and tries not to present
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
starring the present Dan Rowan
and the unpresentable
Dick Martin.
With cameo guest
stars Jack Ruther,
Chad Everett, Paul
Linde, Paula Terra,
John Wayne, and Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Barbara
Sharma, Larry Hovis,
and Moosie Drier.
And me I'm Gary Owens
with a word for people
with poor memories.
Now what was that word?
(laughing)
- Making my kind
of movies is easy.
I kiss anything in a long skirt
and punch anything
in a black hat.
Or was it I kiss
anything in a black hat,
long skirt?
- Really a coincidence.
My first operation
and your last.
(laughing)
- That joke was so sick that
if I did it on medical center
the show would die.
- I have developed a
sure way to quit smoking,
any time you get the
urge for a cigarette
you throw yourself in
front of a moving train.
- I know a vocalist who
gave up show business
to become a cardiologist,
and on his first
transplant operation
he sang his way
into the guy's heart.
- I watch Laugh-In every week.
I'll do anything
if I don't have to go to bed.
- Oh, you hear the
Russians are gonna try
to explore Venus.
- Oh that's dangerous, last
time Venus was explored
she broke both her arms
slapping some guy's face.
- I know a guy
who's so unpopular
that his answering service
refuses to speak to him.
- You know my uncle
said he never met a man
he didn't like.
- What was he a philosopher?
- No he was a cannibal.
- Terry, my uncle died
due to aluminum poisoning.
- I'm sorry aluminum poisoning?
- Yeah, he accidentally
swallowed a beer can.
- Here's something
to think about.
- [Man] What's that?
- What's the dumbest
answer a person can give?
- Uh, well I don't know.
- That's it.
(laughing)
- Speaking of the
birds and the bees,
I wonder who brings
the storks their babies.
- Pregnant ladies.
- You should've heard
what the east German
just said about the Berlin Wall.
I can't get over it.
- Well really what did he say?
- That's it, I
can't get over it.
(laughing)
- Hey Barb.
Barbara.
- Yes yes.
- What's the best way
to get people out to vote?
- Hold an election.
- Ah.
- Did you hear about the two
porcupines who went
on their honeymoon?
- Oh what about 'em?
- They were on pins and
needles the whole time.
(laughing)
- Oh my goodness
Ruth, I have just had
such a horrible
experience in recollecting
that my father was
always sure I was going
to turn out to be a bum.
- Well why do you say that Lily?
- Well the day I was
born he went around
passing out cigar butts.
(laughing)
- Fabulous.
- You know the economic
or economic condition
really has my uncle
climbing the walls.
- Why is that?
- He's a window washer.
- You know,
you know yesterday I
went out to a pet store
and bought myself
a trained chicken
that could speak 14 languages.
- Hey that chicken's great.
- Great man he was delicious.
- You know why Dean
Martin never became
a stand up comic?
- No why?
- He couldn't stand up!
(laughing)
- I went to a wild dance at the
Roofer's Union.
It was a swinging
shingles party.
(laughing)
- Barbara.
- Uh huh.
- What's blue, round,
orange, and green
and goes oink?
- Well I don't know, what?
- A little round, and orange,
and green pig.
- [Narrator] This is
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In are brought to you by.
- I've spent many hours
doing Hollywood Squares
and now here are
two of the biggest
squares in Hollywood,
Dan and Dick.
(clapping)
- Get here again.
Thank you, thank you very
much ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight...
- You might as well take these
I won't be needing
a car anymore.
- What again?
- And the key to my apartment.
My lucky rabbit's foot,
fat amount of good that did me.
- Really that serious huh?
- Serious.
Can a carp do the back stroke?
- Yeah.
- Does a bee like rosebuds?
- Yeah.
- Does an accordion
player wear a ring?
Huh?
(laughing)
- Tell me what's wrong.
- Certainly.
- Well what's wrong?
- Oh you mean now.
- Yeah tell me
what's the matter?
- I happen to be a
man without a country
that's what's wrong.
- A man without a country?
- A lonely exile condemned
to wander the earth.
Friendless, save for
the outcast of the winds,
knowing that...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
Dick what do you mean
a man without a country
you have American citizenship.
- Not anymore, Reader's
Digest took it away from me.
- What has Reader's
Digest got to do with it?
- Well last week they ran
a national citizenship test
and I failed it,
so farewell to the
lands of my birth.
Land of the pilgrims'
pride, land where I...
- Dick.
Calm down.
Now you failed
a citizenship test.
- Yeah.
- In the Reader's Digest.
- That's right.
- That's right.
- They used trick
questions on me.
- Trick questions.
- Like they asked me if I knew
the first president
of the United States.
Well how could I the
man died 150 years
before I was born.
(laughing)
- Trick question.
- Yeah.
- What was the other questions?
- Well they asked me what
started the fighting in 1812.
- And what was your answer?
- The party I was having
across the hall in 1810.
- There was a historic
conflict in 1812.
- I know, the
house detective said
if I ever came back
he'd have me arrested.
- Did you get anything
right on the test?
- Well let's see the possible
scores were 90 to 100
great American.
- Great American.
- 80 to 90 solid citizen.
- Uh huh.
- 70 to 80, average.
- Where did you wind up?
- Let's see somewhere between
undesirable agent
and enemy agent.
(laughing)
- Undesirable...
- Where are the bets on there?
- Undesirable alien.
- Alien that's even worse.
Oh.
- The test was just
for fun ding dong.
It doesn't matter
how badly you did
on the dumb test you
haven't lost your citizenship.
- I haven't?
Well I'll keep the keys then
maybe I can make it back
to 1810 before the party ends.
- Yeah work on the enemy aging.
(laughing)
(thwacking)
(laughing)
(goofy music)
(laughing)
(popping)
(laughing)
- Son I'd like to
tell you the story about
the birds and the bees.
- Yeah okay dad but
when you're through
I'd like to tell
you one about the
seventh fleet and
the go go dancer.
- Your nudity in the
faces that I make.
There's two reasons for that.
My principles and
my saddle sores.
- A friend of mine
eats 50 oranges a day
to avoid catching a cold.
So far he hasn't had
one case of the sniffles,
however, he is starting to peel.
(laughing)
- You know Alan,
you're one of the funniest
men in the business.
- Oh thank you.
- Unfortunately it's
the insurance business.
- Just start counting backwards
100 and you'll fall asleep.
- I don't understand.
- I'll show you.
- Okay.
- Okay, 100.
- Uh huh.
- 99.
- Uh huh.
- 97.
- Right.
(laughing)
Okay I got it.
- Oh doctor, I've got problems.
- Hmm, well first let's get the
obvious one out of the way.
How long have you been
wearing a dress fella?
(laughing)
- I pleaded with my agent about
being on Laugh-In.
- He finally got you on.
- No he couldn't get me off.
- [Scale] You weigh 150 pounds
and you are quick witted.
You weigh 325 pounds
and are probably the
capital of South Dakota.
(laughing)
- Only a kiss from
Prince Charming
can awaken the Sleeping Beauty.
- Fresh.
(laughing)
- I'm sorry Ms. Morgan
I thought you were Gail.
(laughing)
(sighing)
- A bedtime story by John Wayne.
All night in bed I lie and weep
I toss and turn and twitch,
it's not that I
can't fall asleep
it's that my Doctor
Dentons itch.
(laughing)
(clapping)
- You, be very careful
when picking up old fossils.
I took one up to my apartment
before I could get
my pith helmet off
and he had a heart attack.
- Pardon sir, didn't
you just get married?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- So if you see me coming
out of a motel with a girl
it's my wife.
You'll be able to recognize her.
She's blonde, brunette,
and red headed.
- Can you tell me
where I can find the man
who will constantly
stay by my side,
never flirt with another woman,
and never utter a
cross word to me?
- Well I think your best
bet would be the morgue.
(laughing)
- Oh hello friends,
this is Chap Lane Bud Homly,
remember into each
life a little rain must fall.
(splashing)
That's strange.
Usually comes from above.
- Paul, have you
always smiled like that?
- Ever since the day I was born.
Took the doctor quite a while
to figure out which
end to smack.
- Did you know that Paul
Simon of Simon and Garfunkel
composed his first song when
he was only five years old?
It was called Bridge
Over Troubled Wawa.
- That was immature,
and childish.
- I think Boris is embarrassed
by the way I dress.
Ever since I bought
my see through blouse
he hasn't been able
to look me in the eye.
(laughing)
- Yes Mrs. Smith
what can I do for you?
- I'd like some birth control
pills and please hurry.
(laughing)
- Aw, now isn't
that a lovely girl?
You know, she's a
credit to her generation.
- Watch your mouth
that's my daughter
you're talking about.
- Enemy...
- Enemy alien.
- Enemy alien yeah,
did you have time
to watch the quickies?
- No no, 47 gorgeous girls and I
went over to take the
national sex appeal test.
- Oh how'd you do?
- Fantastic, stupendous.
- Oh well that's great.
- I did okay on the test too.
- Oh.
- More Laugh-In
want ads for you.
Elderly Cleveland
man needs assistance
in diving to bottom of deep lake
in which he attempted
to soak dentures.
New Jersey industrialist
needs reliable
neat well mannered non smoking
clean religious
couple to live in
and help him figure
a way to kill his wife.
- Hey you.
(laughing)
Shh!
Buddy, I'm trying to elope
with my girl up there see?
- Right.
- But I slipped on one
of the rungs in the ladder
and I sprained my ankle
you wanna go up there
and get her for me?
- Oh no please I
don't know the girl.
- Oh thanks pal
you're a real friend.
(laughing)
Go right up.
- I don't know the girl.
- I know the girl.
Right up here please.
- I can't.
- Would you get up the?
(laughing)
Shh, go, there you go.
Let's go.
Get up.
- All right.
Oh!
(laughing)
- Are you crazy?
You wanna wake everybody up?
Get up there!
- Okay I'm sorry.
- This is not funny.
- I can't get up.
- Run!
- I can't get up.
(laughing)
- Don't clown around fella
my girl's waiting on me.
- How'd you get,
get this foot...
- Boy you're something.
Get up there!
- Don't push.
- Get up the ladder!
(laughing)
Shh!
- Wait, wait, wait!
I'm going, stop!
- Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(woman screaming)
- [Woman] Oh a peeping Tom!
Over you go you fiend!
(laughing)
- All right stand back here boys
Martha call the police
I got a burglar here.
- I saw him breaking
in Mr. Fullman
I saw the whole thing.
He was trying to
break in I saw him.
(upbeat music)
- Boomer here,
my girlfriend and I went to
a nude sensitivity session
where you talk with your body,
actually I had
very little to say.
(laughing)
- You know, all my life
I've dreamed about having
someone to follow
in my footsteps
and finally it's happened.
Last night it was
the Vice squad.
(laughing)
- I just came back from
a tour of poverty areas
in foreign lands
and I'm proud to say that
the ghettos in our country
rank with the best of 'em.
(laughing)
- My husband Richard
has really settled down a lot
since we've been married.
Why do you know that
at our wedding rehearsal
he was so nervous he
forgot to tip the bellboy.
(laughing)
- Man I got a great new
car it's got everything,
air conditioning, stereo radio,
and bucket sofas.
(laughing)
- Say you must be quite a skier.
- Well why do you say that?
- Well all your friends
have been saying
how much you've been
going downhill lately.
(laughing)
- You know Mary with
campaign costs what they are
it's as hard for a rich
man to enter the kingdom
of heaven as it
is for a poor man
to get elected into office.
(laughing)
- You know our hospital
is really up to date.
We have a wonderful new
device in our emergency room
that automatically gives
us a patient's pulse,
blood pressure,
and credit rating.
(laughing)
- Dick.
Dick, now I've never seen
you inside of your apartment.
- Well come on up again
tonight and I'll turn the lights on.
(laughing)
- That water boy in
India really loved to eat.
- I don't know who.
- Ganga Din Din.
(laughing)
- That's revolting.
(laughing)
- Hi folks your
friendly used car dealer
Honest John here the
only man in the business
who tells the absolute truth.
I will not lie about
any car on this lot
whether it's a low
mileage 1934 Hudson
or a brand new 1972 Brum
which was recently
demolished in a collision
with that 1934 Hudson.
Nothing is too
broken down the facts
on every item, and speaking
of broken down items
I got a 1953 Etsel
with all the original
chrome grill and bumpers missing
but it won't be
noticed on the highway
'cause the car won't
make it to the highway.
It was originally
owned by a little old lady
who drove it only on Sundays
at 90 miles an hour
into trees, walls,
and frequently other cars.
The tear on this car
is badly crumpled
and the little old lady
has the same problem.
I won't lie to you, this
is the perfect place
to get your second car,
'cause the first
car you get here
probably won't run,
but we must sell.
We're overstocked
with 500 recalled cars
that can't make
it back to Detroit.
Don't worry about bad credit,
trouble with down payment,
being turned down
before, financial addition,
race, creed, or color,
because you're
gonna be turned down
on all that stuff.
Now, how easy to reach folks
we're located at the
corner of two dead ends
that don't begin anywhere.
The only way you can get here
is to start from here
so hurry in folks and
you'll make a fantastically
profitable deal for me.
Honest John whose
slogan is on this lot
you get a lot of car,
if you can get
the car off the lot
and if I'm not telling the truth
may I be struck down.
(thunder booming)
(laughing)
- Can I go home now?
- I've been acting in rough
and tough cowboy movies
for 25 years, left
my footprints in
Roma's Chinese Theater
and my knuckle prints
in every actor in town.
- You know I used to
love playing marbles
until one of them rolled over me
and fractured my skull.
- Dick what did Wayne Newton say
when he fell overboard?
- I don't know what?
- Help help!
Sharks.
- Ladies and gentlemen
we were going to bring you
two of the nations'
top rock groups
but the Grand Funk
Railroad's plane was delayed
and the Jefferson Airplane
took the wrong train.
(laughing)
(motor rumbling)
- [Both] Oh!
- Give me a whistle if
you're looking for a man
if Sarah can't find
him, nobody can.
- What can I do for ya?
- I could be arrested
for just telling you.
- Lady that's terrible.
- No at my age that's wonderful.
Anyway, I want to be
an undercover agent.
- Oh I'm sorry.
Lady all of our
undercover agents are men.
- I know that!
That's why I wanna join
now you just pin the badge on me
and take your time doing it.
Hey, sonny!
How would you like to take off
with an old lady and
commit a federal offense huh?
- Lady you get
outta here right now.
- Well okay but
between you and me
and the bug, if you
wanna get Jay Edgar
to retire early send
him over to my place
and I'll show him
some fingerprints
he won't believe.
(laughing)
It's Sarah the Swinger
and you can run me in
just make it the cell with
the 10 most wanted men.
(motor rumbling)
- Well is there any
place in this town
that a girl can go without
having people look at her?
- Sure do a guest shot on
the Shirley McLane show.
(laughing)
- One ringy dingy.
Gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking,
Mr. George Meany?
Good, Mr. Meany, this
is Ms. Thomlin from the
Telephone Company.
We have several complaints
from the White House
about nasty phone calls.
No no no not to the
president, about the president.
Well it must've been you.
Anybody who'd say those
things about Mr. Nixon
has to be a meany.
Communications workers
of America humor there.
What's that?
You say you're just
mad because nobody
explained phase two to you?
Well don't blame the president.
Nobody explained
it to him either.
Oh look Mr. Meany
I can explain it
it's really very simple.
You see the Republicans figure
if they don't bring
up the economy now
the Democrats will bring
it up during the campaign.
Oh Mr. Meany,
Mr. Meany control yourself.
There you go again.
If you don't watch
that mouth of yours
and what you're
saying, the AF of L
and the CIO
will be hearing from
the FB of I today.
(laughing)
Hello?
Hello?
(goofy music)
- Wipe.
- Oh Sleeping Beauty.
(popping)
- Oh, thanks.
- Hey wait a minute.
Aren't you gonna marry me?
- No I've got this
weird thing for dwarfs.
- Yeah well I've had a lot of
one night I was out drinking
with some friends of mine and
by the end of the
evening I wound up
wearing an Indian headdress.
- Did you get home all right?
- No on the way home
out of force of habit
I ambushed myself.
(laughing)
- Hi kids!
(children shouting)
Hi kids you know
what time it is?
Oh.
Oh I had a tough time
making time last night,
it's Uncle Al time!
The kiddies Al.
Howdy howdy howdy
And Uncle Al is gonna
show you a neat trick
about how to tell times
when you're lost in the woods.
- [Child] Got lost in
the woods Uncle Al.
- Emily you're a bummer.
(laughing)
When you're lost in the
woods and you wanna know
what time it is
you move out to a spot
where the sun casts a shadow
then you raise your arm
horizontal to the ground
and then you bend your
arm to a 90 degree angle.
- [Child] Hurry up Uncle Al!
- Then you peel back your cuff
and you look at your wrist watch
and you know what time it is.
Oh it's time for me to
have a little medicine!
(drowned out by shouting)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
We are billies from the hills
Rock your guns
and stop your steels
Close your mouth
and don't be rude
We don't need another feud
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a hill our billies way
It'll brighten up your day
We just love to
give you all the news
Huh huh huh Move your sides
Laugh-In looks at the news
Da da da da da da
da The news (clapping)
- [Narrator] And now
the Laugh-In News
with the US Army under the gun,
the SST over and done
Ed Muskey is starting to run,
and Wayne Newton,
ain't he the one?
- Oh no here's
the one Dick Martin
with the news of the present.
- Los Angeles world
famous fire eater
the Amazing Vulcan
suffered a rather bizarre
accident last month.
- [Dan] What happened Dick?
- Well while performing
his act, he hiccuped,
melted his braces together
and welded his mouth shut.
Starved to death.
(horn blowing)
Johnny Carson has
negotiated into his
contract with NBC a
new sick leave clause.
Now any time anyone
in America gets sick,
Johnny leaves.
(horn blowing)
And now here's Dan
with the future news.
- News of the future
20 years from now
a feud broke out today
between the two leading
female candidates for the
presidency of the United States
and when asked how it
started one of the ladies said
it was my opponent's fault.
As soon as I threw
my hat in the ring
she threw in one just like it.
Here's the future
20 years from now,
because of the recent
trend towards rising taxes,
today Kate Smith announced
she has been forced
to move to a less
expensive area.
As Kate walked away from
her home for the last time
passersby pointed
to her and remarked
well, there goes
the neighborhood.
(laughing)
News of the future
one year from now,
President Nixon today
called a press conference
to the White House
to announce phase 29
of his economic plan.
The press however
were unable to take down
any of it, because none of
them could afford a pencil.
Now here's our reporter
at the White House
who has just covered the
president's press conference.
- I have just left the president
the news conference
was just complete
and more than it
was the most enlight
first of all there
was union and there
was a consideration
of because of Ford
because of the
price he wanted face
he wanted to
understand that the search
more than anything there
was gonna be national
was you had to
concern yourself with
because if you don't give
money you never know
if they won't you can't
be sure they'll both
he didn't show his
appendix because it was very
well he did wear
a suit of great it
heightened it gave a
very it was BB he didn't die
it was the gross gnash
he wasn't sure about
John and this is of course
all perfectly clear.
- And now for kid news for kids
we take you to Moosie
Drier in the tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here at
the kid news for kids.
Tomorrow a doctor's
coming to our school
and he's gonna tell
us something about
the birds and the bees
and where we come from
but I already know that.
Tommy O'Reilly came from Boston,
Butchy Matthews
came from Philadelphia,
and I came from Baltimore.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- Now for news of the past,
Laugh-In takes us back to
the historical Lewis and Clarke
expedition's greatest challenge.
- We are now hopelessly lost.
- Oh we should've headed
north back there I knew it.
- I still say south.
- Oh by now I don't
know which way to turn
to go this way, to go that way.
- I say the
expedition is doomed.
- Oh let's not give
up so easily I mean
after all we only
started five minutes ago.
You go that way,
and I'll go this way.
- And now we switch
you to our man in Bombay.
- Hello, I am here
in Bombay, India
talking to Rabul Palona.
The famous Indian snake
charmer to find out his secrets.
Rabul, why do you
continually play the flute
while charming the snake?
- Because, if I
don't play the flute
the snake will bite.
(laughing)
See what I mean?
- Back to you Dick and Dan.
- Here to explain the
admission of Red China
to the United Nations is
our own Eric Clarify.
- Hey.
When Red China was let in
they expelled Nationalist
China or Taiwan
as it is sometimes
called when it is not called
Nationalist China.
Now the expulsion of
Taiwan was met with
great glee in Red China
and great glee in Japan.
Now for a long time
the United States
did not recognize Red China
even though it is
easy to recognize
having two million square miles
and it has a mustache.
And so in conclusion I
would like to conclude.
- Hi.
(laughing)
Busy Buzzi, Tinseltown's
tattle tale here
with the tastiest raciest
scandal scoop ever.
Women's lib and gay lib
have finally hit movie town
and because of it, the most
glamorous married couple
in Hollywood Stars
set is splitting up.
He's going her way
and she's going his.
(laughing)
Busy Buzzi saying, ta ta
Tinseltown and kissy kissy.
(laughing)
- And that's the
way it is today,
May, June, and July
12th 19 aught naught.
Huh huh huh huh Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the
news Huh huh huh huh
Whoa whoa
- Now I know why President
Nixon appeared on Laugh-In,
he always visits the
site of a disaster area.
- Duke if you hadn't
become a big movie star
what do you think you'd be?
- Oh probably a
cowboy and a war hero.
(laughing)
- Sponge.
Suture.
(laughing)
(clanging)
Kiss.
(laughing)
- My mother would
never let me do that.
- Oh my Sleeping Beauty.
(popping)
- Oh.
Let me tell you
something if you're gonna
be a success at this
you're gonna have to
start using a mouthwash.
- Oh, oh I think
I am getting it.
Yes yes I am getting it.
A definite headache
I have got to stop
concentrating
now how do I do it?
Let me concentrate.
- Listen to me, I
have a problem.
- Don't say another word,
I know what your
problem is already.
- You know already?
- Yes, through the
mystical power of my mind
I can accomplish the impossible.
- Impossible.
- Impossible, now I
want you to stare intently
upon the wooden
box on this table.
Now, I can make it move
through the power of my mind.
Watch.
Ah ha ha.
(laughing)
See, there.
Now, I can tell the future
by getting my
fortune telling cards.
I can tell the future
by reading the mystical cards
by the light of
the eternal flame.
Ah, I see the eternal flame
is temporarily out.
Second, yes.
Yes, yes,
yes, I see
I am on fire.
(laughing)
I will get that move on.
Yes, now I have already learned
what your problem is.
Now to test me, I
want you to tell me
what your problem
is and see if I'm right.
- Okay my problem is my wife,
she's clumsy, everything
she tries goes wrong,
can you help?
- Can I help, oh
what am I here for?
(glass shattering)
- Hey Duke I understand you and
Pat Boone are talking about
making a picture together.
- That's right.
- What are you gonna call it?
- Love Letters In The
Sands Of Iwo Jima.
(laughing)
(creaking)
- Hey gang tonight
we're gonna take a look
at the fiscal and
monetary influences
of our society.
- Son of a gun here I was
all set to talk
about the economy.
- Oh you talk about the economy.
- Thank you for that
very nice introduction.
- That was...
- Now my fellow
Americans I will outline
the details of the
Richard Milhouse Martin
economic game plan phase three.
- Phase three.
You really are just the man
aren't you Milhouse Martin?
Do you know anything
about the economy?
- Heavens to John Connelly yes.
- Heavens to John...
- You know what's wrong
with this country today?
- What?
- Too much government spending.
- On what?
- Well for example
those fancy
diplomatic receptions
with cocktails,
champagne, formal dinners,
it cost a fortune.
- I imagine they do what
can you do about that?
- From now on
it's beer and pizza
and you bring your own booze.
- Sounds very interesting.
- Right now how many
senators are there?
- What do you mean how many
we got 100 senators
there's two from each state.
- Right we're cutting
it down to one.
- One senator from each state?
- No one from the whole country.
Huh, not only will
we save a bundle
we'll eliminate tie votes.
- Eliminate tie votes.
- Yeah easy for you to say.
- Yeah.
Any other changes
you plan to make
Richard Milhouse?
- Yes now take the
White House for example.
- Please.
- All right please.
Now, the kids are all gone
they're grown up and gone right?
We'll get the Nixons to rent out
all those extra rooms.
- Rent the rooms
in the White House,
that's awful.
- No some of 'em are very nice
I've seen them.
- No.
All right, now that
they're offering
board and room at
the executive mansion,
what are else are you gonna do?
- Well are else?
The president is going to
Red China on Air Force One
am I correct?
- On Air Force One right.
- Is he, right, wrong.
- Well that's right.
- Well he can go
much cheaper by boat.
- Go by boat.
- And if he's willing
to do a few shows
on the way over he
can pick up a few bucks.
- Now that's very
interesting Richard.
And since you've
become such an expert
in fiduciary affairs maybe
we ought to take a look
at the mod world of economy.
- Okay but while you're gone
don't take any wooden quarters.
- That's nickels.
- Not the way these
prices are today.
(laughing)
People talk about economy
Funny it is not effecting me
If a shop was short
on cash and such
I'd just charge the next guy
About twice as much
that way it comes out even
I just charge the feller
About twice as much
The peas are a buck
- So sorry.
- Here you are.
This is a check for
every last penny
we have in the world.
That's money for the house.
- Well thank you very much
here are your keys.
- Thank you.
- Now if you'll just
give me your check
for closing costs of $500.
Title search $75,
escrow fee of 250 and
our commission of
$1,125 and we'll be even.
- But that's almost $2,000
I mean we don't
have any more money.
- No more money.
- No.
- Harry put the Johnson
dump up for sale again.
- Now there are
credit cards with your
photograph on them.
That's so you know
how you looked
before you went bankrupt.
- Now, as the new treasurer
of the United States what
suggestion do you have
for the depressed
state this country is in?
- Well I think everybody should
just go out and buy a new hat.
(laughing)
- In the old days
they used to say
a penny saved is a penny earned.
Nowadays a penny
saved is a miracle.
- I'll tell you one
thing if we want
free enterprise we're
gonna have to pay for it.
- My final offer is
three cents an hour.
- Out of the question
it's six cents an hour
or we strike.
- What if I gave
all my employees
six cents an hour raise
well I'd be out of
business in a week.
- That's not my concern.
(laughing)
- All right Sweeney,
six cents an hour.
It's a deal.
- It's a deal.
- Oh congratulations
Mr. Sweeney.
How about my six
cents an hour raise?
- What?
If I gave all of my
employees that kind of money
I'd be out of
business in a week!
(crying)
Speaking of a new economy
Things are going
off with well with me
On a perfect deal
I took a chance
Then they took my money
My shirt and my pants
Thank heavens
for now this marrow
Lost a lot of money
My shirt and my pants
I won't turn around (laughing)
- You think this is funny,
you should see my bow tie.
- Hello friends I'm speaking
from Benevolent
Finance loan company
and say we're ready
to arrange payments
to fit any budget or
pocketbook you pick
and speaking of
picking pocketbooks
consider our $5,000
loan with payments
of only $12 a month
for 36 generations
and a small service
charge of only $5,000
but don't trust me friends,
ask any of our
satisfied customers
for a testimonial.
- She's right I went
to Benevolent Finance
and got my bills
consolidated into one easy
monthly payment
with enough cash leftover
to file for bankruptcy.
- And now for your
convenience folks
you don't even have
to come in to apply
for a loan, you can
do it easily by phone.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
No.
Now wasn't that easy,
and remember friends
no applicant will be asked
any embarrassing questions.
- I'd like a loan.
- Certainly sir and
what is your age?
- 65.
- Uh huh and your wife.
- She's 21.
- Say now you're 65
and your wife is 21?
- Now you said
there wouldn't be no
embarrassing questions asked.
- Embarrassed?
Embarrassed sir
a 65 year old man
married to a 21 year
old girl should be proud.
Now what can we do for you?
- I'd like to borrow $10,000.
- $10,000 well you have
come to the right place.
Just a moment.
Ari Shugs,
listen we've got a live one.
Why don't you run out and
see if you can borrow 10 grand?
- This place is really
getting out of hand.
There are so many
deductions on my check
this week that if
I wanna get paid
it's gonna cost me money.
- Well I forgot to pay
my diners club bill
and they came to my
house at dinnertime
and repossessed two veal cutlets
and a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I'm singing Sarah you know me
And I'm gonna talk economy
Hike the price of
booze I'll let it pass
Just don't raise the tariff
On oil and gas gotta
keep my cycle moving
Bike the crazy
auntie On oil and gas
Let's tariff the
church - Hey fella,
could you give me some money
for a cup of coffee
and a doughnut?
- Well all right.
- I haven't eaten since
through Wednesday.
- There you go.
- Hey.
- Huh?
- You gave me a $20 bill.
- That's the best I can do
you'll have to get the
money for the doughnut
from somebody else.
- Printed on the
back of my credit card
is a check guaranteed card
and a ready reserve.
Yes that card
certainly has everything
you could ever want
including a razor sharp edge.
When you see the bill.
- All right quiet on the set.
The internal
revenue story, take.
If it help but
working girl like me
Money's just as
tight as it can be
If I wanna make my rent today
I must find inducements
To make a pay
I offer blue chip stamps now
I must find inducements
To make a pay
(giggling)
- Meow.
- Well, five bucks of tax return
we work around the
clock, easy to find
there's a Blick on every block
good afternoon sir
welcome to H&R Blick
I'm H, R's out front
that's a little tax humor there.
Sit down sir how can I help you?
- I want you to make
out my return boy.
- That's what we're here for.
May I have your name please?
- Petty, Jay Paul Petty's
the name oil's the game.
- Paul Petty and how
about your income
did it exceed $5,000?
- Yep.
- Did it exceed $10,000?
- Yep.
- Well, exactly what
was the amount
of your gross
earnings last year?
- $385 million.
- $385 million.
- And 43 cents.
- Don't you have your
own tax consultant?
- Nope, not anymore.
Last year I paid
that critter $175,000
to what you're gonna
do for five bucks.
- Well, we'll do our best.
It says under dependent
$87 million for Sydney.
Is that Sydney Petty?
- Sydney, Australia.
- Uh,
well I see
eight million dollars
for medical expenses.
What did you buy?
- The Mayo Clinic.
(laughing)
- Well all right.
Well we'll try to have this
ready for you by Saturday.
- All right and don't
forget to throw in
my free calendar cowboy.
(laughing)
- Weird experience I don't
ever go through that again.
- Pardon me Mr. Blick my name is
Nelson Rockefeller and I
hear you're just fantastic
with tax returns.
- They say money
isn't everything.
Matter of fact the way
things are these days
money isn't anything.
- Phase two is just
President Nixon's way
of passing what's
left of the buck.
After 20 years I've lost my job
But I haven't time
to sigh and sob
I'm in the
unemployment line at two
I give all the people
A really big shoe
With clouds and Topal gi-gi-oh
I give all the workers
A really big shoe
There's Eddy get out stipend
- You call that a mod
world of economy?
- Well yeah.
- Huh, didn't even
include my latest
cost cutting measure for
the president's China trip.
- Well you already got
him working his way over
in a boat isn't that enough?
- No, no reason
that he and Kissinger
have to live in some
fancy expensive hotel.
- Oh really where...
- They can take a
simple little efficiency
apartment someplace.
- What?
- President can do the housework
and Kissinger
can do the cooking.
- Oh now that's the
silliest idea I've ever heard.
- Maybe you're right,
let Kissinger do the housework
and Nixon do the cooking.
- Dick and Dan are way funnier
than Rowan and Martin.
- Jack, how come
you're always so happy?
- Because every
morning I get up,
I look in the mirror
and I say to myself
hurray, I'm not Jim Neighbors.
(laughing)
- There's one sure
way to prevent women
from throwing
themselves at your feet.
Don't wash 'em.
(laughing)
- Don't you fuss Ms. Pickett.
Hey my name is Edith
Anne and I'm five years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
This is my doll Ms. Pickett.
Last Thursday Ms.
Pickett wet the bed
and we thought
she'd outgrown that.
It's very uncomfortable for me.
And that's the truth.
(laughing)
Ms. Pickett's arms
are very teeny
but if she needs
something I will get it for her.
And she's bald.
- Nothing to worry
about Mr. London,
this is the finest
hospital we have
every piece of
equipment we have in here
is absolutely defunct.
- Good.
- Up to date, the latest.
- Great.
(laughing)
- My Sleeping Beauty.
(popping)
- Oh, why did you wake me up?
- 'Cause it's my
turn to use the bed.
Have you seen my teddy?
- Duke you were
terrific in True Grit.
- Thank you.
- And what made you decide
to do that particular part?
- Well I had my
eye out for that part.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Another musical gem.
- Right, time once again for the
Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award
and tonight we're
giving the Fickle Finger
to the operators
of strip coal mines.
Do you know what
strip mining is Dick?
- Sure it's when coal miners
take off their Levis
and work in the nude.
- No, I was afraid
you'd go for that,
coal miners don't
work in the nude.
- Yeah I guess
if they did they'd
catch coal you know
they'd probably wear
warm woolen pasties.
- All right, you're done yes.
- That presents an
interesting picture.
- You wanna just shut up.
Strip mining is
different from regular
coal mining in that
rather than digging
tunnels to get the coal out
they simply dig up
the entire surface
of thousands of
square miles of land.
- What?
- That's right.
- Must really mess
up the landscape.
- It really does take a
look at this photograph.
- [Dick] Ugh, that looks
like downtown Burbank.
- And so to you hard
working coal mine operators
for going far beyond
the call of duty
by turning vast wildernesses
into vast wastelands.
- Here is the Fickle Finger.
- Keep it close to your heart.
- That's not exactly
what I had in mind.
- It's not so much
shooting a fella that matters,
it's the thought behind it.
- I just read where a
half man half woman
robbed the circus.
- Did they call the police?
- They didn't have to
he turned herself in.
(laughing)
(goofy music)
- Oh not tonight
I've got a headache.
- In the business we
refer to jokes like that
as firecrackers, you
put 10 of them together
and you got a real bomb.
- When you're hot, you're hot.
- When you're not, you're not.
(laughing)
- You know being
plump isn't too bad,
when I was in the Boy Scouts,
all the other kids
would put up pup tents.
I just pitched one of my shirts.
- Let's see now, let
me get this straight
first we dissect the flabellum
recess the prelinium,
remove the preabella,
and is that right?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
(laughing)
Thinking we're
forgetting something.
Here we go.
(shouting)
Anesthesia.
(laughing)
(bell ringing)
(laughing)
- A Warm Breeze, by John Wayne.
The warm breeze
of the summer air
salutes the morning mist.
The birds are
singing everywhere.
Get off your duff and enlist.
(laughing)
(drum tapping)
- Ten hut!
All right America,
shape up or ship out.
This is General Bull Wright
US of A Army
retired but still active.
Many of you have written in
saying you'd like to
see more of the misses,
my bunky here Colonel
Martha Washington Wright.
Well, here she is.
Sound off soldier.
- Wright, Martha W.
Colonel United States Army
retired serial number 7845266.
(laughing)
- Mind like a steel trap.
Over the years a
lot of you've gotten
the mistaken idea that
Army life is restrictive,
disciplined, curbs
your personal freedom.
Bull feathers!
Martha, tell 'em
how it really is.
Sound off.
- Wright Martha W. Colonel
United States Army retired
serial number 784... - At ease!
Well ladies, you heard it
right from the horse's mouth.
No offense bunky.
Now you'll have to excuse us
we're getting ready
to go for chow.
Tonight's anniversary
the first time
we pulled guard duty together.
What are we having bunky?
- Wright Martha W. Colonel
United States Army retired
serial number...
- That's my kinda soldier.
At ease America.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em,
and don't forget to
read my new book
about married life in the Army,
the Sensuous Sergeant.
Left, right,
forward, huh!
Left go right go left go.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Well first of all I have
a very very important
announcement to make.
- An announcement?
- Yes the Memory
School the annual festival
for the Memory School
will be held this Thursday
at St. Louis.
- Okay.
- Or was it Dallas?
- Yeah well be in Dallas.
- No it was Pittsburgh.
- Just say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(clapping)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(laughing)
- Hasta la vista Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Oh goodnight Dick.
Oh I'm breaking.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Oh wee goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Johnny.
- Yeah babe?
- What do you never
never say to a tiger?
- I don't care what they say
you're no pussycat.
- Ah, Rose.
- Yeah?
- Are you there hon?
- Yes.
- What do you never
say to a python?
- How about a little hug?
(laughing)
- Dick!
- Yeah?
- What do you
never say to an ant?
- How'd you like
to come to a picnic?
(laughing)
- What do you never say
to a porcupine Dennis?
- You know, you've
got a point there.
- Alan!
- Yes John.
- What do you never
say to a rattlesnake?
- Hey wanna grab a quick bite?
(laughing)
- What do you
never say to a bee?
- Don't honey me.
- Right.
- What do you never
say to an elephant?
- Step on it.
- Dan.
- [Dan] What Ruth?
- What does a dentist
never say to a shark?
- Open wide please.
- Barry!
What do you never
say to a mama goat?
- Are you kidding?
(laughing)
- What do you never
say to a porcupine Lil?
- How about a back rub?
(laughing)
That was me.
(clapping)
- Tonight's show was prerecorded
so that our cast
could watch it at home
in the comfort and
privacy of their padded cell.
(calm music)
(laughing)
(popping)
(clapping)
(frog croaking)
beautiful downtown Burbank
Diamond Exchange and Glassworks,
NBC the never
been copied network
gets somebody else's idea
and tries not to present
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
starring the present Dan Rowan
and the unpresentable
Dick Martin.
With cameo guest
stars Jack Ruther,
Chad Everett, Paul
Linde, Paula Terra,
John Wayne, and Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Barbara
Sharma, Larry Hovis,
and Moosie Drier.
And me I'm Gary Owens
with a word for people
with poor memories.
Now what was that word?
(laughing)
- Making my kind
of movies is easy.
I kiss anything in a long skirt
and punch anything
in a black hat.
Or was it I kiss
anything in a black hat,
long skirt?
- Really a coincidence.
My first operation
and your last.
(laughing)
- That joke was so sick that
if I did it on medical center
the show would die.
- I have developed a
sure way to quit smoking,
any time you get the
urge for a cigarette
you throw yourself in
front of a moving train.
- I know a vocalist who
gave up show business
to become a cardiologist,
and on his first
transplant operation
he sang his way
into the guy's heart.
- I watch Laugh-In every week.
I'll do anything
if I don't have to go to bed.
- Oh, you hear the
Russians are gonna try
to explore Venus.
- Oh that's dangerous, last
time Venus was explored
she broke both her arms
slapping some guy's face.
- I know a guy
who's so unpopular
that his answering service
refuses to speak to him.
- You know my uncle
said he never met a man
he didn't like.
- What was he a philosopher?
- No he was a cannibal.
- Terry, my uncle died
due to aluminum poisoning.
- I'm sorry aluminum poisoning?
- Yeah, he accidentally
swallowed a beer can.
- Here's something
to think about.
- [Man] What's that?
- What's the dumbest
answer a person can give?
- Uh, well I don't know.
- That's it.
(laughing)
- Speaking of the
birds and the bees,
I wonder who brings
the storks their babies.
- Pregnant ladies.
- You should've heard
what the east German
just said about the Berlin Wall.
I can't get over it.
- Well really what did he say?
- That's it, I
can't get over it.
(laughing)
- Hey Barb.
Barbara.
- Yes yes.
- What's the best way
to get people out to vote?
- Hold an election.
- Ah.
- Did you hear about the two
porcupines who went
on their honeymoon?
- Oh what about 'em?
- They were on pins and
needles the whole time.
(laughing)
- Oh my goodness
Ruth, I have just had
such a horrible
experience in recollecting
that my father was
always sure I was going
to turn out to be a bum.
- Well why do you say that Lily?
- Well the day I was
born he went around
passing out cigar butts.
(laughing)
- Fabulous.
- You know the economic
or economic condition
really has my uncle
climbing the walls.
- Why is that?
- He's a window washer.
- You know,
you know yesterday I
went out to a pet store
and bought myself
a trained chicken
that could speak 14 languages.
- Hey that chicken's great.
- Great man he was delicious.
- You know why Dean
Martin never became
a stand up comic?
- No why?
- He couldn't stand up!
(laughing)
- I went to a wild dance at the
Roofer's Union.
It was a swinging
shingles party.
(laughing)
- Barbara.
- Uh huh.
- What's blue, round,
orange, and green
and goes oink?
- Well I don't know, what?
- A little round, and orange,
and green pig.
- [Narrator] This is
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In are brought to you by.
- I've spent many hours
doing Hollywood Squares
and now here are
two of the biggest
squares in Hollywood,
Dan and Dick.
(clapping)
- Get here again.
Thank you, thank you very
much ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight...
- You might as well take these
I won't be needing
a car anymore.
- What again?
- And the key to my apartment.
My lucky rabbit's foot,
fat amount of good that did me.
- Really that serious huh?
- Serious.
Can a carp do the back stroke?
- Yeah.
- Does a bee like rosebuds?
- Yeah.
- Does an accordion
player wear a ring?
Huh?
(laughing)
- Tell me what's wrong.
- Certainly.
- Well what's wrong?
- Oh you mean now.
- Yeah tell me
what's the matter?
- I happen to be a
man without a country
that's what's wrong.
- A man without a country?
- A lonely exile condemned
to wander the earth.
Friendless, save for
the outcast of the winds,
knowing that...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
Dick what do you mean
a man without a country
you have American citizenship.
- Not anymore, Reader's
Digest took it away from me.
- What has Reader's
Digest got to do with it?
- Well last week they ran
a national citizenship test
and I failed it,
so farewell to the
lands of my birth.
Land of the pilgrims'
pride, land where I...
- Dick.
Calm down.
Now you failed
a citizenship test.
- Yeah.
- In the Reader's Digest.
- That's right.
- That's right.
- They used trick
questions on me.
- Trick questions.
- Like they asked me if I knew
the first president
of the United States.
Well how could I the
man died 150 years
before I was born.
(laughing)
- Trick question.
- Yeah.
- What was the other questions?
- Well they asked me what
started the fighting in 1812.
- And what was your answer?
- The party I was having
across the hall in 1810.
- There was a historic
conflict in 1812.
- I know, the
house detective said
if I ever came back
he'd have me arrested.
- Did you get anything
right on the test?
- Well let's see the possible
scores were 90 to 100
great American.
- Great American.
- 80 to 90 solid citizen.
- Uh huh.
- 70 to 80, average.
- Where did you wind up?
- Let's see somewhere between
undesirable agent
and enemy agent.
(laughing)
- Undesirable...
- Where are the bets on there?
- Undesirable alien.
- Alien that's even worse.
Oh.
- The test was just
for fun ding dong.
It doesn't matter
how badly you did
on the dumb test you
haven't lost your citizenship.
- I haven't?
Well I'll keep the keys then
maybe I can make it back
to 1810 before the party ends.
- Yeah work on the enemy aging.
(laughing)
(thwacking)
(laughing)
(goofy music)
(laughing)
(popping)
(laughing)
- Son I'd like to
tell you the story about
the birds and the bees.
- Yeah okay dad but
when you're through
I'd like to tell
you one about the
seventh fleet and
the go go dancer.
- Your nudity in the
faces that I make.
There's two reasons for that.
My principles and
my saddle sores.
- A friend of mine
eats 50 oranges a day
to avoid catching a cold.
So far he hasn't had
one case of the sniffles,
however, he is starting to peel.
(laughing)
- You know Alan,
you're one of the funniest
men in the business.
- Oh thank you.
- Unfortunately it's
the insurance business.
- Just start counting backwards
100 and you'll fall asleep.
- I don't understand.
- I'll show you.
- Okay.
- Okay, 100.
- Uh huh.
- 99.
- Uh huh.
- 97.
- Right.
(laughing)
Okay I got it.
- Oh doctor, I've got problems.
- Hmm, well first let's get the
obvious one out of the way.
How long have you been
wearing a dress fella?
(laughing)
- I pleaded with my agent about
being on Laugh-In.
- He finally got you on.
- No he couldn't get me off.
- [Scale] You weigh 150 pounds
and you are quick witted.
You weigh 325 pounds
and are probably the
capital of South Dakota.
(laughing)
- Only a kiss from
Prince Charming
can awaken the Sleeping Beauty.
- Fresh.
(laughing)
- I'm sorry Ms. Morgan
I thought you were Gail.
(laughing)
(sighing)
- A bedtime story by John Wayne.
All night in bed I lie and weep
I toss and turn and twitch,
it's not that I
can't fall asleep
it's that my Doctor
Dentons itch.
(laughing)
(clapping)
- You, be very careful
when picking up old fossils.
I took one up to my apartment
before I could get
my pith helmet off
and he had a heart attack.
- Pardon sir, didn't
you just get married?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- So if you see me coming
out of a motel with a girl
it's my wife.
You'll be able to recognize her.
She's blonde, brunette,
and red headed.
- Can you tell me
where I can find the man
who will constantly
stay by my side,
never flirt with another woman,
and never utter a
cross word to me?
- Well I think your best
bet would be the morgue.
(laughing)
- Oh hello friends,
this is Chap Lane Bud Homly,
remember into each
life a little rain must fall.
(splashing)
That's strange.
Usually comes from above.
- Paul, have you
always smiled like that?
- Ever since the day I was born.
Took the doctor quite a while
to figure out which
end to smack.
- Did you know that Paul
Simon of Simon and Garfunkel
composed his first song when
he was only five years old?
It was called Bridge
Over Troubled Wawa.
- That was immature,
and childish.
- I think Boris is embarrassed
by the way I dress.
Ever since I bought
my see through blouse
he hasn't been able
to look me in the eye.
(laughing)
- Yes Mrs. Smith
what can I do for you?
- I'd like some birth control
pills and please hurry.
(laughing)
- Aw, now isn't
that a lovely girl?
You know, she's a
credit to her generation.
- Watch your mouth
that's my daughter
you're talking about.
- Enemy...
- Enemy alien.
- Enemy alien yeah,
did you have time
to watch the quickies?
- No no, 47 gorgeous girls and I
went over to take the
national sex appeal test.
- Oh how'd you do?
- Fantastic, stupendous.
- Oh well that's great.
- I did okay on the test too.
- Oh.
- More Laugh-In
want ads for you.
Elderly Cleveland
man needs assistance
in diving to bottom of deep lake
in which he attempted
to soak dentures.
New Jersey industrialist
needs reliable
neat well mannered non smoking
clean religious
couple to live in
and help him figure
a way to kill his wife.
- Hey you.
(laughing)
Shh!
Buddy, I'm trying to elope
with my girl up there see?
- Right.
- But I slipped on one
of the rungs in the ladder
and I sprained my ankle
you wanna go up there
and get her for me?
- Oh no please I
don't know the girl.
- Oh thanks pal
you're a real friend.
(laughing)
Go right up.
- I don't know the girl.
- I know the girl.
Right up here please.
- I can't.
- Would you get up the?
(laughing)
Shh, go, there you go.
Let's go.
Get up.
- All right.
Oh!
(laughing)
- Are you crazy?
You wanna wake everybody up?
Get up there!
- Okay I'm sorry.
- This is not funny.
- I can't get up.
- Run!
- I can't get up.
(laughing)
- Don't clown around fella
my girl's waiting on me.
- How'd you get,
get this foot...
- Boy you're something.
Get up there!
- Don't push.
- Get up the ladder!
(laughing)
Shh!
- Wait, wait, wait!
I'm going, stop!
- Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(woman screaming)
- [Woman] Oh a peeping Tom!
Over you go you fiend!
(laughing)
- All right stand back here boys
Martha call the police
I got a burglar here.
- I saw him breaking
in Mr. Fullman
I saw the whole thing.
He was trying to
break in I saw him.
(upbeat music)
- Boomer here,
my girlfriend and I went to
a nude sensitivity session
where you talk with your body,
actually I had
very little to say.
(laughing)
- You know, all my life
I've dreamed about having
someone to follow
in my footsteps
and finally it's happened.
Last night it was
the Vice squad.
(laughing)
- I just came back from
a tour of poverty areas
in foreign lands
and I'm proud to say that
the ghettos in our country
rank with the best of 'em.
(laughing)
- My husband Richard
has really settled down a lot
since we've been married.
Why do you know that
at our wedding rehearsal
he was so nervous he
forgot to tip the bellboy.
(laughing)
- Man I got a great new
car it's got everything,
air conditioning, stereo radio,
and bucket sofas.
(laughing)
- Say you must be quite a skier.
- Well why do you say that?
- Well all your friends
have been saying
how much you've been
going downhill lately.
(laughing)
- You know Mary with
campaign costs what they are
it's as hard for a rich
man to enter the kingdom
of heaven as it
is for a poor man
to get elected into office.
(laughing)
- You know our hospital
is really up to date.
We have a wonderful new
device in our emergency room
that automatically gives
us a patient's pulse,
blood pressure,
and credit rating.
(laughing)
- Dick.
Dick, now I've never seen
you inside of your apartment.
- Well come on up again
tonight and I'll turn the lights on.
(laughing)
- That water boy in
India really loved to eat.
- I don't know who.
- Ganga Din Din.
(laughing)
- That's revolting.
(laughing)
- Hi folks your
friendly used car dealer
Honest John here the
only man in the business
who tells the absolute truth.
I will not lie about
any car on this lot
whether it's a low
mileage 1934 Hudson
or a brand new 1972 Brum
which was recently
demolished in a collision
with that 1934 Hudson.
Nothing is too
broken down the facts
on every item, and speaking
of broken down items
I got a 1953 Etsel
with all the original
chrome grill and bumpers missing
but it won't be
noticed on the highway
'cause the car won't
make it to the highway.
It was originally
owned by a little old lady
who drove it only on Sundays
at 90 miles an hour
into trees, walls,
and frequently other cars.
The tear on this car
is badly crumpled
and the little old lady
has the same problem.
I won't lie to you, this
is the perfect place
to get your second car,
'cause the first
car you get here
probably won't run,
but we must sell.
We're overstocked
with 500 recalled cars
that can't make
it back to Detroit.
Don't worry about bad credit,
trouble with down payment,
being turned down
before, financial addition,
race, creed, or color,
because you're
gonna be turned down
on all that stuff.
Now, how easy to reach folks
we're located at the
corner of two dead ends
that don't begin anywhere.
The only way you can get here
is to start from here
so hurry in folks and
you'll make a fantastically
profitable deal for me.
Honest John whose
slogan is on this lot
you get a lot of car,
if you can get
the car off the lot
and if I'm not telling the truth
may I be struck down.
(thunder booming)
(laughing)
- Can I go home now?
- I've been acting in rough
and tough cowboy movies
for 25 years, left
my footprints in
Roma's Chinese Theater
and my knuckle prints
in every actor in town.
- You know I used to
love playing marbles
until one of them rolled over me
and fractured my skull.
- Dick what did Wayne Newton say
when he fell overboard?
- I don't know what?
- Help help!
Sharks.
- Ladies and gentlemen
we were going to bring you
two of the nations'
top rock groups
but the Grand Funk
Railroad's plane was delayed
and the Jefferson Airplane
took the wrong train.
(laughing)
(motor rumbling)
- [Both] Oh!
- Give me a whistle if
you're looking for a man
if Sarah can't find
him, nobody can.
- What can I do for ya?
- I could be arrested
for just telling you.
- Lady that's terrible.
- No at my age that's wonderful.
Anyway, I want to be
an undercover agent.
- Oh I'm sorry.
Lady all of our
undercover agents are men.
- I know that!
That's why I wanna join
now you just pin the badge on me
and take your time doing it.
Hey, sonny!
How would you like to take off
with an old lady and
commit a federal offense huh?
- Lady you get
outta here right now.
- Well okay but
between you and me
and the bug, if you
wanna get Jay Edgar
to retire early send
him over to my place
and I'll show him
some fingerprints
he won't believe.
(laughing)
It's Sarah the Swinger
and you can run me in
just make it the cell with
the 10 most wanted men.
(motor rumbling)
- Well is there any
place in this town
that a girl can go without
having people look at her?
- Sure do a guest shot on
the Shirley McLane show.
(laughing)
- One ringy dingy.
Gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking,
Mr. George Meany?
Good, Mr. Meany, this
is Ms. Thomlin from the
Telephone Company.
We have several complaints
from the White House
about nasty phone calls.
No no no not to the
president, about the president.
Well it must've been you.
Anybody who'd say those
things about Mr. Nixon
has to be a meany.
Communications workers
of America humor there.
What's that?
You say you're just
mad because nobody
explained phase two to you?
Well don't blame the president.
Nobody explained
it to him either.
Oh look Mr. Meany
I can explain it
it's really very simple.
You see the Republicans figure
if they don't bring
up the economy now
the Democrats will bring
it up during the campaign.
Oh Mr. Meany,
Mr. Meany control yourself.
There you go again.
If you don't watch
that mouth of yours
and what you're
saying, the AF of L
and the CIO
will be hearing from
the FB of I today.
(laughing)
Hello?
Hello?
(goofy music)
- Wipe.
- Oh Sleeping Beauty.
(popping)
- Oh, thanks.
- Hey wait a minute.
Aren't you gonna marry me?
- No I've got this
weird thing for dwarfs.
- Yeah well I've had a lot of
one night I was out drinking
with some friends of mine and
by the end of the
evening I wound up
wearing an Indian headdress.
- Did you get home all right?
- No on the way home
out of force of habit
I ambushed myself.
(laughing)
- Hi kids!
(children shouting)
Hi kids you know
what time it is?
Oh.
Oh I had a tough time
making time last night,
it's Uncle Al time!
The kiddies Al.
Howdy howdy howdy
And Uncle Al is gonna
show you a neat trick
about how to tell times
when you're lost in the woods.
- [Child] Got lost in
the woods Uncle Al.
- Emily you're a bummer.
(laughing)
When you're lost in the
woods and you wanna know
what time it is
you move out to a spot
where the sun casts a shadow
then you raise your arm
horizontal to the ground
and then you bend your
arm to a 90 degree angle.
- [Child] Hurry up Uncle Al!
- Then you peel back your cuff
and you look at your wrist watch
and you know what time it is.
Oh it's time for me to
have a little medicine!
(drowned out by shouting)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
We are billies from the hills
Rock your guns
and stop your steels
Close your mouth
and don't be rude
We don't need another feud
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a hill our billies way
It'll brighten up your day
We just love to
give you all the news
Huh huh huh Move your sides
Laugh-In looks at the news
Da da da da da da
da The news (clapping)
- [Narrator] And now
the Laugh-In News
with the US Army under the gun,
the SST over and done
Ed Muskey is starting to run,
and Wayne Newton,
ain't he the one?
- Oh no here's
the one Dick Martin
with the news of the present.
- Los Angeles world
famous fire eater
the Amazing Vulcan
suffered a rather bizarre
accident last month.
- [Dan] What happened Dick?
- Well while performing
his act, he hiccuped,
melted his braces together
and welded his mouth shut.
Starved to death.
(horn blowing)
Johnny Carson has
negotiated into his
contract with NBC a
new sick leave clause.
Now any time anyone
in America gets sick,
Johnny leaves.
(horn blowing)
And now here's Dan
with the future news.
- News of the future
20 years from now
a feud broke out today
between the two leading
female candidates for the
presidency of the United States
and when asked how it
started one of the ladies said
it was my opponent's fault.
As soon as I threw
my hat in the ring
she threw in one just like it.
Here's the future
20 years from now,
because of the recent
trend towards rising taxes,
today Kate Smith announced
she has been forced
to move to a less
expensive area.
As Kate walked away from
her home for the last time
passersby pointed
to her and remarked
well, there goes
the neighborhood.
(laughing)
News of the future
one year from now,
President Nixon today
called a press conference
to the White House
to announce phase 29
of his economic plan.
The press however
were unable to take down
any of it, because none of
them could afford a pencil.
Now here's our reporter
at the White House
who has just covered the
president's press conference.
- I have just left the president
the news conference
was just complete
and more than it
was the most enlight
first of all there
was union and there
was a consideration
of because of Ford
because of the
price he wanted face
he wanted to
understand that the search
more than anything there
was gonna be national
was you had to
concern yourself with
because if you don't give
money you never know
if they won't you can't
be sure they'll both
he didn't show his
appendix because it was very
well he did wear
a suit of great it
heightened it gave a
very it was BB he didn't die
it was the gross gnash
he wasn't sure about
John and this is of course
all perfectly clear.
- And now for kid news for kids
we take you to Moosie
Drier in the tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here at
the kid news for kids.
Tomorrow a doctor's
coming to our school
and he's gonna tell
us something about
the birds and the bees
and where we come from
but I already know that.
Tommy O'Reilly came from Boston,
Butchy Matthews
came from Philadelphia,
and I came from Baltimore.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- Now for news of the past,
Laugh-In takes us back to
the historical Lewis and Clarke
expedition's greatest challenge.
- We are now hopelessly lost.
- Oh we should've headed
north back there I knew it.
- I still say south.
- Oh by now I don't
know which way to turn
to go this way, to go that way.
- I say the
expedition is doomed.
- Oh let's not give
up so easily I mean
after all we only
started five minutes ago.
You go that way,
and I'll go this way.
- And now we switch
you to our man in Bombay.
- Hello, I am here
in Bombay, India
talking to Rabul Palona.
The famous Indian snake
charmer to find out his secrets.
Rabul, why do you
continually play the flute
while charming the snake?
- Because, if I
don't play the flute
the snake will bite.
(laughing)
See what I mean?
- Back to you Dick and Dan.
- Here to explain the
admission of Red China
to the United Nations is
our own Eric Clarify.
- Hey.
When Red China was let in
they expelled Nationalist
China or Taiwan
as it is sometimes
called when it is not called
Nationalist China.
Now the expulsion of
Taiwan was met with
great glee in Red China
and great glee in Japan.
Now for a long time
the United States
did not recognize Red China
even though it is
easy to recognize
having two million square miles
and it has a mustache.
And so in conclusion I
would like to conclude.
- Hi.
(laughing)
Busy Buzzi, Tinseltown's
tattle tale here
with the tastiest raciest
scandal scoop ever.
Women's lib and gay lib
have finally hit movie town
and because of it, the most
glamorous married couple
in Hollywood Stars
set is splitting up.
He's going her way
and she's going his.
(laughing)
Busy Buzzi saying, ta ta
Tinseltown and kissy kissy.
(laughing)
- And that's the
way it is today,
May, June, and July
12th 19 aught naught.
Huh huh huh huh Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the
news Huh huh huh huh
Whoa whoa
- Now I know why President
Nixon appeared on Laugh-In,
he always visits the
site of a disaster area.
- Duke if you hadn't
become a big movie star
what do you think you'd be?
- Oh probably a
cowboy and a war hero.
(laughing)
- Sponge.
Suture.
(laughing)
(clanging)
Kiss.
(laughing)
- My mother would
never let me do that.
- Oh my Sleeping Beauty.
(popping)
- Oh.
Let me tell you
something if you're gonna
be a success at this
you're gonna have to
start using a mouthwash.
- Oh, oh I think
I am getting it.
Yes yes I am getting it.
A definite headache
I have got to stop
concentrating
now how do I do it?
Let me concentrate.
- Listen to me, I
have a problem.
- Don't say another word,
I know what your
problem is already.
- You know already?
- Yes, through the
mystical power of my mind
I can accomplish the impossible.
- Impossible.
- Impossible, now I
want you to stare intently
upon the wooden
box on this table.
Now, I can make it move
through the power of my mind.
Watch.
Ah ha ha.
(laughing)
See, there.
Now, I can tell the future
by getting my
fortune telling cards.
I can tell the future
by reading the mystical cards
by the light of
the eternal flame.
Ah, I see the eternal flame
is temporarily out.
Second, yes.
Yes, yes,
yes, I see
I am on fire.
(laughing)
I will get that move on.
Yes, now I have already learned
what your problem is.
Now to test me, I
want you to tell me
what your problem
is and see if I'm right.
- Okay my problem is my wife,
she's clumsy, everything
she tries goes wrong,
can you help?
- Can I help, oh
what am I here for?
(glass shattering)
- Hey Duke I understand you and
Pat Boone are talking about
making a picture together.
- That's right.
- What are you gonna call it?
- Love Letters In The
Sands Of Iwo Jima.
(laughing)
(creaking)
- Hey gang tonight
we're gonna take a look
at the fiscal and
monetary influences
of our society.
- Son of a gun here I was
all set to talk
about the economy.
- Oh you talk about the economy.
- Thank you for that
very nice introduction.
- That was...
- Now my fellow
Americans I will outline
the details of the
Richard Milhouse Martin
economic game plan phase three.
- Phase three.
You really are just the man
aren't you Milhouse Martin?
Do you know anything
about the economy?
- Heavens to John Connelly yes.
- Heavens to John...
- You know what's wrong
with this country today?
- What?
- Too much government spending.
- On what?
- Well for example
those fancy
diplomatic receptions
with cocktails,
champagne, formal dinners,
it cost a fortune.
- I imagine they do what
can you do about that?
- From now on
it's beer and pizza
and you bring your own booze.
- Sounds very interesting.
- Right now how many
senators are there?
- What do you mean how many
we got 100 senators
there's two from each state.
- Right we're cutting
it down to one.
- One senator from each state?
- No one from the whole country.
Huh, not only will
we save a bundle
we'll eliminate tie votes.
- Eliminate tie votes.
- Yeah easy for you to say.
- Yeah.
Any other changes
you plan to make
Richard Milhouse?
- Yes now take the
White House for example.
- Please.
- All right please.
Now, the kids are all gone
they're grown up and gone right?
We'll get the Nixons to rent out
all those extra rooms.
- Rent the rooms
in the White House,
that's awful.
- No some of 'em are very nice
I've seen them.
- No.
All right, now that
they're offering
board and room at
the executive mansion,
what are else are you gonna do?
- Well are else?
The president is going to
Red China on Air Force One
am I correct?
- On Air Force One right.
- Is he, right, wrong.
- Well that's right.
- Well he can go
much cheaper by boat.
- Go by boat.
- And if he's willing
to do a few shows
on the way over he
can pick up a few bucks.
- Now that's very
interesting Richard.
And since you've
become such an expert
in fiduciary affairs maybe
we ought to take a look
at the mod world of economy.
- Okay but while you're gone
don't take any wooden quarters.
- That's nickels.
- Not the way these
prices are today.
(laughing)
People talk about economy
Funny it is not effecting me
If a shop was short
on cash and such
I'd just charge the next guy
About twice as much
that way it comes out even
I just charge the feller
About twice as much
The peas are a buck
- So sorry.
- Here you are.
This is a check for
every last penny
we have in the world.
That's money for the house.
- Well thank you very much
here are your keys.
- Thank you.
- Now if you'll just
give me your check
for closing costs of $500.
Title search $75,
escrow fee of 250 and
our commission of
$1,125 and we'll be even.
- But that's almost $2,000
I mean we don't
have any more money.
- No more money.
- No.
- Harry put the Johnson
dump up for sale again.
- Now there are
credit cards with your
photograph on them.
That's so you know
how you looked
before you went bankrupt.
- Now, as the new treasurer
of the United States what
suggestion do you have
for the depressed
state this country is in?
- Well I think everybody should
just go out and buy a new hat.
(laughing)
- In the old days
they used to say
a penny saved is a penny earned.
Nowadays a penny
saved is a miracle.
- I'll tell you one
thing if we want
free enterprise we're
gonna have to pay for it.
- My final offer is
three cents an hour.
- Out of the question
it's six cents an hour
or we strike.
- What if I gave
all my employees
six cents an hour raise
well I'd be out of
business in a week.
- That's not my concern.
(laughing)
- All right Sweeney,
six cents an hour.
It's a deal.
- It's a deal.
- Oh congratulations
Mr. Sweeney.
How about my six
cents an hour raise?
- What?
If I gave all of my
employees that kind of money
I'd be out of
business in a week!
(crying)
Speaking of a new economy
Things are going
off with well with me
On a perfect deal
I took a chance
Then they took my money
My shirt and my pants
Thank heavens
for now this marrow
Lost a lot of money
My shirt and my pants
I won't turn around (laughing)
- You think this is funny,
you should see my bow tie.
- Hello friends I'm speaking
from Benevolent
Finance loan company
and say we're ready
to arrange payments
to fit any budget or
pocketbook you pick
and speaking of
picking pocketbooks
consider our $5,000
loan with payments
of only $12 a month
for 36 generations
and a small service
charge of only $5,000
but don't trust me friends,
ask any of our
satisfied customers
for a testimonial.
- She's right I went
to Benevolent Finance
and got my bills
consolidated into one easy
monthly payment
with enough cash leftover
to file for bankruptcy.
- And now for your
convenience folks
you don't even have
to come in to apply
for a loan, you can
do it easily by phone.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
No.
Now wasn't that easy,
and remember friends
no applicant will be asked
any embarrassing questions.
- I'd like a loan.
- Certainly sir and
what is your age?
- 65.
- Uh huh and your wife.
- She's 21.
- Say now you're 65
and your wife is 21?
- Now you said
there wouldn't be no
embarrassing questions asked.
- Embarrassed?
Embarrassed sir
a 65 year old man
married to a 21 year
old girl should be proud.
Now what can we do for you?
- I'd like to borrow $10,000.
- $10,000 well you have
come to the right place.
Just a moment.
Ari Shugs,
listen we've got a live one.
Why don't you run out and
see if you can borrow 10 grand?
- This place is really
getting out of hand.
There are so many
deductions on my check
this week that if
I wanna get paid
it's gonna cost me money.
- Well I forgot to pay
my diners club bill
and they came to my
house at dinnertime
and repossessed two veal cutlets
and a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I'm singing Sarah you know me
And I'm gonna talk economy
Hike the price of
booze I'll let it pass
Just don't raise the tariff
On oil and gas gotta
keep my cycle moving
Bike the crazy
auntie On oil and gas
Let's tariff the
church - Hey fella,
could you give me some money
for a cup of coffee
and a doughnut?
- Well all right.
- I haven't eaten since
through Wednesday.
- There you go.
- Hey.
- Huh?
- You gave me a $20 bill.
- That's the best I can do
you'll have to get the
money for the doughnut
from somebody else.
- Printed on the
back of my credit card
is a check guaranteed card
and a ready reserve.
Yes that card
certainly has everything
you could ever want
including a razor sharp edge.
When you see the bill.
- All right quiet on the set.
The internal
revenue story, take.
If it help but
working girl like me
Money's just as
tight as it can be
If I wanna make my rent today
I must find inducements
To make a pay
I offer blue chip stamps now
I must find inducements
To make a pay
(giggling)
- Meow.
- Well, five bucks of tax return
we work around the
clock, easy to find
there's a Blick on every block
good afternoon sir
welcome to H&R Blick
I'm H, R's out front
that's a little tax humor there.
Sit down sir how can I help you?
- I want you to make
out my return boy.
- That's what we're here for.
May I have your name please?
- Petty, Jay Paul Petty's
the name oil's the game.
- Paul Petty and how
about your income
did it exceed $5,000?
- Yep.
- Did it exceed $10,000?
- Yep.
- Well, exactly what
was the amount
of your gross
earnings last year?
- $385 million.
- $385 million.
- And 43 cents.
- Don't you have your
own tax consultant?
- Nope, not anymore.
Last year I paid
that critter $175,000
to what you're gonna
do for five bucks.
- Well, we'll do our best.
It says under dependent
$87 million for Sydney.
Is that Sydney Petty?
- Sydney, Australia.
- Uh,
well I see
eight million dollars
for medical expenses.
What did you buy?
- The Mayo Clinic.
(laughing)
- Well all right.
Well we'll try to have this
ready for you by Saturday.
- All right and don't
forget to throw in
my free calendar cowboy.
(laughing)
- Weird experience I don't
ever go through that again.
- Pardon me Mr. Blick my name is
Nelson Rockefeller and I
hear you're just fantastic
with tax returns.
- They say money
isn't everything.
Matter of fact the way
things are these days
money isn't anything.
- Phase two is just
President Nixon's way
of passing what's
left of the buck.
After 20 years I've lost my job
But I haven't time
to sigh and sob
I'm in the
unemployment line at two
I give all the people
A really big shoe
With clouds and Topal gi-gi-oh
I give all the workers
A really big shoe
There's Eddy get out stipend
- You call that a mod
world of economy?
- Well yeah.
- Huh, didn't even
include my latest
cost cutting measure for
the president's China trip.
- Well you already got
him working his way over
in a boat isn't that enough?
- No, no reason
that he and Kissinger
have to live in some
fancy expensive hotel.
- Oh really where...
- They can take a
simple little efficiency
apartment someplace.
- What?
- President can do the housework
and Kissinger
can do the cooking.
- Oh now that's the
silliest idea I've ever heard.
- Maybe you're right,
let Kissinger do the housework
and Nixon do the cooking.
- Dick and Dan are way funnier
than Rowan and Martin.
- Jack, how come
you're always so happy?
- Because every
morning I get up,
I look in the mirror
and I say to myself
hurray, I'm not Jim Neighbors.
(laughing)
- There's one sure
way to prevent women
from throwing
themselves at your feet.
Don't wash 'em.
(laughing)
- Don't you fuss Ms. Pickett.
Hey my name is Edith
Anne and I'm five years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
This is my doll Ms. Pickett.
Last Thursday Ms.
Pickett wet the bed
and we thought
she'd outgrown that.
It's very uncomfortable for me.
And that's the truth.
(laughing)
Ms. Pickett's arms
are very teeny
but if she needs
something I will get it for her.
And she's bald.
- Nothing to worry
about Mr. London,
this is the finest
hospital we have
every piece of
equipment we have in here
is absolutely defunct.
- Good.
- Up to date, the latest.
- Great.
(laughing)
- My Sleeping Beauty.
(popping)
- Oh, why did you wake me up?
- 'Cause it's my
turn to use the bed.
Have you seen my teddy?
- Duke you were
terrific in True Grit.
- Thank you.
- And what made you decide
to do that particular part?
- Well I had my
eye out for that part.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Another musical gem.
- Right, time once again for the
Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award
and tonight we're
giving the Fickle Finger
to the operators
of strip coal mines.
Do you know what
strip mining is Dick?
- Sure it's when coal miners
take off their Levis
and work in the nude.
- No, I was afraid
you'd go for that,
coal miners don't
work in the nude.
- Yeah I guess
if they did they'd
catch coal you know
they'd probably wear
warm woolen pasties.
- All right, you're done yes.
- That presents an
interesting picture.
- You wanna just shut up.
Strip mining is
different from regular
coal mining in that
rather than digging
tunnels to get the coal out
they simply dig up
the entire surface
of thousands of
square miles of land.
- What?
- That's right.
- Must really mess
up the landscape.
- It really does take a
look at this photograph.
- [Dick] Ugh, that looks
like downtown Burbank.
- And so to you hard
working coal mine operators
for going far beyond
the call of duty
by turning vast wildernesses
into vast wastelands.
- Here is the Fickle Finger.
- Keep it close to your heart.
- That's not exactly
what I had in mind.
- It's not so much
shooting a fella that matters,
it's the thought behind it.
- I just read where a
half man half woman
robbed the circus.
- Did they call the police?
- They didn't have to
he turned herself in.
(laughing)
(goofy music)
- Oh not tonight
I've got a headache.
- In the business we
refer to jokes like that
as firecrackers, you
put 10 of them together
and you got a real bomb.
- When you're hot, you're hot.
- When you're not, you're not.
(laughing)
- You know being
plump isn't too bad,
when I was in the Boy Scouts,
all the other kids
would put up pup tents.
I just pitched one of my shirts.
- Let's see now, let
me get this straight
first we dissect the flabellum
recess the prelinium,
remove the preabella,
and is that right?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
(laughing)
Thinking we're
forgetting something.
Here we go.
(shouting)
Anesthesia.
(laughing)
(bell ringing)
(laughing)
- A Warm Breeze, by John Wayne.
The warm breeze
of the summer air
salutes the morning mist.
The birds are
singing everywhere.
Get off your duff and enlist.
(laughing)
(drum tapping)
- Ten hut!
All right America,
shape up or ship out.
This is General Bull Wright
US of A Army
retired but still active.
Many of you have written in
saying you'd like to
see more of the misses,
my bunky here Colonel
Martha Washington Wright.
Well, here she is.
Sound off soldier.
- Wright, Martha W.
Colonel United States Army
retired serial number 7845266.
(laughing)
- Mind like a steel trap.
Over the years a
lot of you've gotten
the mistaken idea that
Army life is restrictive,
disciplined, curbs
your personal freedom.
Bull feathers!
Martha, tell 'em
how it really is.
Sound off.
- Wright Martha W. Colonel
United States Army retired
serial number 784... - At ease!
Well ladies, you heard it
right from the horse's mouth.
No offense bunky.
Now you'll have to excuse us
we're getting ready
to go for chow.
Tonight's anniversary
the first time
we pulled guard duty together.
What are we having bunky?
- Wright Martha W. Colonel
United States Army retired
serial number...
- That's my kinda soldier.
At ease America.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em,
and don't forget to
read my new book
about married life in the Army,
the Sensuous Sergeant.
Left, right,
forward, huh!
Left go right go left go.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Well first of all I have
a very very important
announcement to make.
- An announcement?
- Yes the Memory
School the annual festival
for the Memory School
will be held this Thursday
at St. Louis.
- Okay.
- Or was it Dallas?
- Yeah well be in Dallas.
- No it was Pittsburgh.
- Just say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(clapping)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(laughing)
- Hasta la vista Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Oh goodnight Dick.
Oh I'm breaking.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Oh wee goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Johnny.
- Yeah babe?
- What do you never
never say to a tiger?
- I don't care what they say
you're no pussycat.
- Ah, Rose.
- Yeah?
- Are you there hon?
- Yes.
- What do you never
say to a python?
- How about a little hug?
(laughing)
- Dick!
- Yeah?
- What do you
never say to an ant?
- How'd you like
to come to a picnic?
(laughing)
- What do you never say
to a porcupine Dennis?
- You know, you've
got a point there.
- Alan!
- Yes John.
- What do you never
say to a rattlesnake?
- Hey wanna grab a quick bite?
(laughing)
- What do you
never say to a bee?
- Don't honey me.
- Right.
- What do you never
say to an elephant?
- Step on it.
- Dan.
- [Dan] What Ruth?
- What does a dentist
never say to a shark?
- Open wide please.
- Barry!
What do you never
say to a mama goat?
- Are you kidding?
(laughing)
- What do you never
say to a porcupine Lil?
- How about a back rub?
(laughing)
That was me.
(clapping)
- Tonight's show was prerecorded
so that our cast
could watch it at home
in the comfort and
privacy of their padded cell.
(calm music)
(laughing)
(popping)
(clapping)
(frog croaking)