Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 17 - Episode #5.17 - full transcript
(crowd applauds)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have a
very special guest.
- Right, an actor,
producer, director,
- Comedian, writer,
- Doctor, pencil sharpener,
umbrella stand, smoking jacket,
- I think that about covers it,
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Carl Reiner.
(crowd applauds)
- Hello, Carl.
- Hi, Dick.
Tonight, with your
kind permission,
I'd like to try something
a little different,
something I've
been thinking about...
- Isn't Rob Reiner, the star
of All in the Family, your son?
- Yes, he is, and I'm very
proud of him, but tonight,
I'd like to do my interpretation
of something that I've...
- You know, Carl,
that son of yours
is really some comedian, boy.
- Yes, he's OK, he's OK.
I'd like to do a serious
scene, something that I think...
- Hey did you see Rob
Reiner in Where's Poppa?
- Oh, I sure did,
he was sensational.
- I think he stole the film,
you know what I mean?
- I would like to, I would
like to, if you don't mind...
- Marvelous actor.
- Gentlemen, would
you please hold it?
What's this, what's all
this talk about my kid?
You know, once
he got a D in History,
and he never, in his whole
life, cleaned up his room?
Did you know that?
(crowd laughs, applauds)
- I didn't realize he had
such a terrible temper.
- Well, wouldn't you be angry
if your kid got a D in History?
(crowd laugs)
- I like Dick and Dan better
than both of them put together.
(crowd laughs)
- Since I've been
on All in the Family,
I've received offers to appear
on a lot of top variety shows.
But I turned them all down
and came on Laugh-In.
(crowd laughs)
- On Arnie, I help my husband
all I can, now that
he's in management.
Even though he never
helped me when I was in labor,
and having a big, tall kid
wasn't an easy job, I tell you.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey Lilly?
- Yes
- I'm all for nudity in movies.
- You should be, you've got
more of it that anybody else.
(crowd laughs)
- Ann?
- Yeah?
- I understand they see lots of
American TV shows in Japan.
- Yes, but they have to
use very powerful binoculars.
(crowd laughs)
- Throughout the ages, Japanese
men and women have always bowed.
- Yes, but it was never fun
until they started
wearing miniskirts.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey Dan, boy did I have
a wild party at my
place last night.
Everybody I invited showed
up, and she was wonderful.
- Hey, talking
mechanics, my mechanic
has just found out why
my car doesn't run right.
- [Dan] Why not?
- It has gas.
(crowd laughs)
- I hear Bob Hope
and Bing Crosby
are gonna form a new rock group.
- What are they gonna call it?
- Jefferson Wheelchair.
(crowd laughs)
- Do you realize that
in the past three years,
most of the Supreme
Court decisions
have been made
by President Nixon?
(crowd laughs)
- You know, last
weekend, my boyfriend
took me to a ski resort, or
was it down to the beach?
Well, what's the difference,
we had a terrific time!
(crowd laughs)
- What sings and
makes great sandwiches?
- I don't know, what?
- The Grand Front (laughing)
The Grand Funk Riccotta.
(crowd laughs)
- I live in a real swinging
apartment house.
Even the welcome
wagon stays all night.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, Alan?
- [Alan] What could it
be this time, little Ann?
- Well listen to
this, men's fashions
are getting out of
hand, first it was purses,
now it's your high-heeled shoes.
- I know, last night
I went to a party
and I was wearing the
same thing my girl had on.
(crowd laughs)
- Ricardo, how would you solve
the economic
problems of the country?
- Oh, well it's simple, see?
I'd do what Japan
and Germany did.
I'd just lose a war to America.
(crowd laughs)
- Well, this year, a lot of
us women were marching
in the streets trying
to get liberated.
- And there were
also a lot walking
in the streets trying
to get captured.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, dig it, Dan, you
know, Spiro Agnew says
a black man could
become vice president.
- [Dan] That's right.
- There he goes,
putting us down again.
(crowd laughs)
(crowd applauds)
- And now, from the beautiful
Downtown Burbank
Legal Aide Society
and boogie joint, NBC, the
Nielsen's Better Climb Network
takes a 10-foot national
pole, and still refuses
to touch Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In,
starring a real
comer, Dan Rowan.
And a near goner, Dick Martin!
With special guest
star Carl Reiner,
and Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lilly Tomlin.
With Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder, Richard Dawson,
Larry Hovis, and Moosie Drier.
With annual appearances
by Sue Ane Langdon,
Sally Struthers, Mona
Tera, and Slappy White.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice
for wrinkled, sagging skin:
Skin, shape up or ship out.
(crowd laughs)
- Hi, I'm Gayle,
fly me to Boston.
- Hi, I'm Linda,
fly me to Miami.
- Hi, I'm Jane, fly
me to New Orleans.
- Hi, I am Jose,
fly me to Havana.
(rim shot, crowd laughs)
- Many things have changed from
the early days
on live television
when mistakes on the
air couldn't be corrected.
But here are two mistakes
we still can't correct,
Dan and Dick.
(crowd laughs, applauds)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Well, again today,
I'm going to give you
the keys to my
car, my apartment,
- What do you mean?
- The one to my
safety deposit box.
I'll probably be
gone for a long time.
- What, are you leaving town?
- Well, I don't have any
choice, I've just done
the stupidest
thing in the world.
- Don't tell me you tried to
kiss another
chicken on the lips.
(crowd laughs)
OK, then, I've just done the
second stupidest
thing in the world.
(crowd laughs)
- Well, tell me, he
inquired, what did you do?
- Well I'd rather not discuss
my reckless, criminal actions.
- Your criminal actions?
- I don't wanna make you an
accomplishment to
my habeas corpus.
- Oh, heaven forfend, you
gonna tell me what you did?
- Where shall I begin?
- How about at the beginning?
- OK, my great, great
grandfather came
to this country on a
cabbage boat in 1806.
- I'm sure he
did, wait a minute,
I don't want you
to go that far back,
your trouble, what happened?
- All right, how
about last night?
- OK.
- All right.
I was watching television,
and something came over me.
- Something came over you?
- Yep, I grabbed
my pillow, - Yeah?
- And before I could stop
myself, I ripped this off.
- "Do not remove
under penalty of law."
- Don't shoot, I'm coming
out with my hands up!
(crowd laughs)
- Come on, wait a minute,
nobody's ever been arrested,
and they're certainly
not gonna shoot you
for tearing one of
these tags off of a pillow.
- You mean it?
- Well of course not.
- Well I better get over to
your house right away, then.
- My house, what for?
- Well, I parked the getaway car
right in front of your house.
(crowd laughs)
- Your car is in
front of my house?
- Not my car, the one I stole.
(crowd laughs)
- You put a stolen car
in front of my house?
- Well I had to put it
someplace until the paint dried.
- Why did you paint it?
- You think I'm crazy,
how far do you think
I'd get with a car that's
painted black and white?
(crowd laughs)
- You stole a black
and white car?
What did you do with
the red light on the roof?
- Well, I didn't
touch that thing,
but I'm sure gonna
get the radio fixed,
I can't get any
music on it at all,
just a lot of talk about
Adam 12, Code three,
something about a liquor
store downtown or something.
- Yeah, what are you gonna do
about the shotgun
in the back seat?
- I noticed that, that
big, bad doggie too.
- Bad doggie?
- Bad doggie.
(crowd laughs)
(funky music riffs)
- I hear the FBI is worried
about another Indian uprising.
But they can't figure out
how to bug a tom-tom.
(crowd laughs)
- I made a movie, which I wrote,
produced and
directed, and starred in.
If it wasn't for that
lousy make-up man,
it would've been a hit.
(crowd laughs)
- You know, what many
minority communities need
is not brown power or black
power, they need electric power.
(crowd laughs)
- Young lady, do you know
what the wages of sin are?
- Oh, about 90 dollars
on a good week.
(crowd laughs)
- You know, I'm concerned
about President Nixon's
proposed talks with Chou
Enlai and Premier Kessedjian.
I mean think of
how perfectly clear
he made the wage
price freeze to us,
and then remember that those
two don't even speak English.
(crowd laughs)
- Tell me, Senator, what is
your record on employment.
- Well son, since
I've been in office,
I've reduced unemployment
from 85 percent
to less than one-tenth
of one percent.
And that's just
in my own family.
(crowd laughs)
- Jane, Jane, people
are really uptight today,
I was visiting some
friends out in Happy Valley,
and I saw a gang of Good Humor
men attack a welcome wagon.
- You know, Lisa, I think I'm
starting to walk in my sleep.
- What makes you think so?
- Well, 8:00 this
morning, I woke up,
I was home in bed, alone.
(crowd laughs)
- Say, look at your face.
Remember when you
used to have wrinkles?
- I never used to have wrinkles.
- Well, used to or
not, they're back.
(cackles)
(crowd laughs)
- President Nixon could've
saved himself a lot of trouble
by nominating Mama
Cass for the Supreme Court.
Not only would he have
gotten a woman on the bench,
but he would also
have filled both seats.
I'm sorry, Mama.
(crowd laughs, applauds)
- And now, this word
for small car lovers:
be careful neither of you hit
your head on the doorknob.
(crowd laughs)
- We are fortunate
to be talking tonight
to Mr. Slappy
White, candidate for
the Vice President
of the United States.
Slappy, if you're
elected vice president,
what will be your
first objective?
- Statehood for Harlem.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, do you think a black
vice president would
hurt President Nixon?
- Not anymore than the
white one he's got now.
(crowd laughs)
- You've said a
black vice president
will improve relations with
unfriendly powers, which ones?
- NAACP, CORE,
and Nipsy Russell.
(crowd laughs)
- What's the biggest problem
for you as a black man,
with the second
spot on the ticket.
- Finding a white man for
the first spot on the ticket.
But enough about Ton of Mustard.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy White, do you think
being vice president
would change you any?
- No, I'd be the same
guy riding around
in the Cadillac I don't own.
(crowd laughs)
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five years old.
And you're Mrs.
Lawson's dog, aren't you?
You know what, Mama said
candy will hurt your teeth,
but I don't believe her,
because I sneaked up
into my grandma's
bedroom, and I dropped
six jelly beans into
the glass of water
where my grandma
keeps her teeth,
and it didn't hurt them a bit.
And that's the tooth.
(crowd laughs)
- Our show, Arnie, is
about a common, ordinary,
everyday guy who finds
himself in a position of power.
Sort of like Sam Yorty,
when he's in town.
(crowd laughs)
- Oh, that George
Washington, what a man.
The father of the whole country!
Wouldn't it be wonderful to
be married to a man like that?
Oh, to think, to be Mrs.
Gladys Washington.
(snoring)
- I've just come
from Valley Forge,
with its cold, and
hunger, and suffering.
- But now you're
here with me, George.
- I think I'll go back
to Valley Forge.
(crowd laughs)
- Wait, wait George, haven't you
even got time for a bite to eat?
- No, I can't eat now, I
have no time for supper.
I must go immediately
and fight the British,
because if I don't,
they will cross the river,
break into this house,
and take you away.
- Oh, I'd never see you again!
- What's for supper?
(crowd laughs)
- Sally, what are you gonna do
after All in the Family is over?
- Turn the channel
and see what else is on.
(crowd laughs)
- I've never been to the
games before, Caesar,
what do the signals
you make mean?
- Well first, there's thumbs
up, that means the man lives.
Then there's thumbs
down, that means he dies.
Then there's both
thumbs down, which
is the ultimate
punishment, that means
we send him to
Alabama for the weekend.
(crowd laughs)
- Esther, Boris told me that
he'd love me
until the day I die.
Today, he enrolled
me in a skydiving class.
(crowd laughs)
- Senator, people are
saying that we can't
afford to have
poverty in this nation.
- Son, why don't you
just wait for phase three,
poverty will be about the
only thing we can afford.
(crowd laughs)
- Right now, out
there in our audience,
we have absolutely nobody,
because our show's been canceled.
Let's really hear it
out there for nobody...
(crowd laughs)
- Ann, how did Mrs.
Lautrec discover
Toulouse was cheating on her?
- I don't know, Carl.
- One night he came home
with rouge all over his moulin.
(crowd laughs)
- Doctor, I've been coming
to you for six weeks now,
and you haven't done
me one bit of good.
- That's strange, it
usually only takes me
four weeks not to do any good.
(crowd laughs)
- Tell me something,
are you licensed
to practice medicine
in this state?
- Well, yes and no.
- What do you mean?
- Well no, I'm not licensed
to practice medicine,
and yes, this is the state
I'm not licensed to practice in.
(crowd laughs)
However, I am licensed to
practice piano in New Jersey.
Not to mention my other skills.
- Other skills?
- I told you not
to mention them.
- I'm calling the police.
- That won't do you any
good, they're not licensed
to practice piano or medicine.
- But you haven't cured
me, I want my money back.
- It won't cure you dear,
and it'll make me sick.
(crowd laughs)
- I've got to get out of here,
you're driving me crazy!
- Well in that case, come
lie down on the couch.
I'm not licensed to
practice psychiatry, either.
(crowd laughs)
You know, you remind
me of Sophia Loren,
you look like Carlo Ponti.
(crowd laughs)
(phone rings)
- Hello, Jones
Binocular Company.
(crowd laughs)
- Get your hands off me.
- Yeah, prisoner arrested on
a charge of a 764,
disturbing the peace.
- This is a misunderstanding,
I am Professor Walter Credence,
and I was not responsible.
- OK, but the
professor was lying out
in the middle of a
street intersection
trying to inflate a
plastic air mattress.
- Prisoner booked on a
764, disturbing the peace,
you have the right to
make one phone call,
professor, here's the phone.
- Thank you.
(rapid dialing)
Do you know what I'm
gonna do to you, Linda?
I'm gonna take you...
(whispers quickly, indistinctly)
(phone rings)
- Local Precinct,
Sergeant Davis.
Telephone company,
yes, what's the problem?
You've traced an
obscene phone call
to this number,
no, that's impossible
Harrison, get the professor
away from the phone.
(crowd laughs)
All right, professor,
I'm also booking you
on a 412, making an
obscene phone call.
- That means I get
another phone call?
- Oh no, you don't.
- Harrison, he's
right, one call.
You know where the phone is.
(rapid dialing, crowd laughs)
- Listen I have some very
important information for you.
At exactly 12 noon, I'm
going to put a stink bomb
in the lobby of the
Radio City Music Hall...
- Harrison, get that phone!
- That's right, a stink bomb!
(crowd laughs)
(blowing sharply)
(crowd laughs)
(comical upbeat music)
(crowd laughs)
(blows sharply)
(comical kazoo riff)
(crowd applauds)
- You're listening to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
a program for anyone
who has ever been in love.
- Gentlemen,
choose your weapons.
(vaudeville music)
(gunshot)
(crowd laughs)
- This'll be fine.
(crowd laughs)
- My wife is out there, she
can't drown, she can't drown!
- Oh, yes she can,
she's doing beautifully.
(needle buzzing)
- OK, all done, now you've got
your girl tattooed on your arm.
- Hey, that don't
look like my girl.
- Oh no, make a muscle.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what do
you think would happen
if a black man ran
for president this year?
- Well, let me put it this
way, I think the results
would be a landslide,
and he would be under it.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what do you expect
to do about unemployment?
- Same thing I've always done,
go down every
Tuesday and sign up.
(crowd laughs)
- The next mod world, I
think, is really relevant.
There are so
many... (horn blaring)
- Good evening ladies and germs,
I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.
(honks horn)
- Wait a minute,
what are you doing?
- Just think, no more
weekly television grind.
Thanks to me, we
can finally play all those
banquets and supermarket
openings we've always dreamed of.
- Oh, beautiful.
- Speaking of supermarkets,
a guy said to me,
"Did you take a
bath this morning?"
I said, "Why, is one missing?"
(honks horn)
- Will you cut that...
- These are the jokes!
(honks horn)
- Cut it out.
- Cut it out?
I'm a comedian, not a surgeon.
(honks horn)
Where'd you get this
audience, from the yellow pages?
(honks horn)
- Wait a minute,
what's this all about?
- Well, now, would you
believe that some guy
in the parking lot
sold me all these
great jokes and props
for only 20 bucks?
- Those lines are
older than you are,
they could be
your father's jokes.
- What are you, one
of your mother's?
(honks horn)
- You paid 20
dollars for this junk?
- What else could I do, it
was all the money I had.
- You could've said no.
- Sure, and let Flip
Wilson get ahold of them?
- Oh, for crying out loud,
Flip Wilson wouldn't touch
one of those old jokes.
- That's why we're doing
the supermarket opening,
Flip Wilson will still be stuck
on nationwide television.
- Yep, Ma was right.
(laughing)
- Owes me 20 dollars.
(honks horn)
- Do you know, wait a minute.
Do you know you've
been swindled?
- No, hum a few bars,
I'll see if I can fit it in.
(crowd laughs)
- That con man in the
parking lot robbed you blind.
- Oh yeah, then why
did he promise me
a job on one of
those oceanliners?
- Oceanliners?
- Sure, he said he'd like to
get me on a slow boat to China.
(crowd laughs)
- Well, while Mr. Showbiz
here is on his slow boat,
why don't we take a fast look
at the mod world of television?
- Hey, you got any nude
pictures of your wife?
- Of course not!
- Wanna buy some?
(honks horn, crowd laughs)
It's bizarre.
It's a mess.
It's berserk SOS It's
baroque Nonetheless
It's weird
In this razzle-dazzle
world of television
Each new season sends
the networks in a spin
After many years I
have a strong suspicion
It's a weird, weird, weird,
weird, weird, weird biz we're in
Did Soupy Sales sell out?
All those big-time movie
stars have come to dinner
Guys like Stewart, Fonda,
Hudson, Curtis, Quinn
But a movie star can't
make a show a winner
It's this weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird biz we're in
Is Doris Day really happy?
You've got Carson, you've
got Cavett, you've got Griffin
You've got Douglas, Allen,
Frost, Virginia Graham
They keep talking 'til
our backs begin to stiffen
Has the day arrived
when there's so many
Talk shows no one
really gives a hoot?
If you're lucky, you're this
season's Archie Bunker
But enjoy it with
a nervous little grin
Even winning shows will
someday come a clunker
In this weird weird weird
Weird weird weird biz we're in
I still love Loretta Young
You can be the
biggest star on television
You are here today,
tomorrow you are gone
For the tube, my friend,
has really no tradition
Where are super
stars like Jason Evers,
Barbara Payne, or
even Robert Vaughn?
If you have some extra
hours, you can kill them
Watching Bette Davis
beat up Errol Flynn
With so many hours,
nothing's left to fill them
In this weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird business
Much admired,
chilly-willy business
This weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird biz we're in
It's the biz we're
in (crowd applauds)
- Speaking of
seven-inch screens,
I remember in the
old days of television
when they had seven-inch
screens, which meant
they only could show
Audrey Hepburn movies.
(crowd laughs)
- If I ever said
anything like that,
my mother would wash
my mouth out with soap.
(crowd laughs)
- I was really proud of
our new show last night,
we've seen where the
physicist and the professor
discuss the relative merits
of Spinoza versus Nietzsche
was really a nice touch,
and the classical music
behind it was very
tasteful and moving.
I said to my wife, "This is
the kind of programming
"that I really,
I really love..."
- Sir, sir, the show
only got a three rating.
- Well then cancel
that piece of junk.
(crowd laughs)
Boring is boring.
- Our contestant,
Mrs. Bruce Shaw
is now completely sealed
off in our isolation booth.
While she is in there,
she is completely cut off
from us out here,
no one can help her.
I am now going to ask her
her final question
for 74,000 dollars.
If she gets this one
right, she wins it all, OK?
The sound is on now, Mrs. Shaw,
tell me, for 74,000 dollars,
who is the President
of the United States?
- I can't breathe!
(crowd laughs)
- I'm sorry, that's not correct.
(crowd laughs)
- You're the writer
of the soap opera,
and you've got to come up with
a good ending for
our story situation.
- I just can't think anymore,
there's so much on my mind.
Both my folks need an operation,
my husband left me
for another woman,
yesterday my kid got
in trouble with the law.
I don't know what to do, it's
more than one person can bear.
- Perfect, that's it, write it!
(crowd laughs)
- Television is
like a nagging wife,
it's always on, it never
says anything worth while,
and even if you talk
back to it, it wouldn't listen.
(crowd laughs)
- Sermonette?
Oh no, I'm afraid
we're gonna have to
cancel Sermonette,
it only has one viewer.
(loud explosion
bangs outside window)
On second thought,
forget what I said.
(crowd laughs)
We're gonna keep it on.
(crowd laughs)
- And now that she is
sealed in the isolation booth,
our contestant, Mrs. Bob Shaw,
cannot hear a word
anyone out here is saying.
- The name is Mrs. Bruce Shaw!
(crowd laughs)
- Look, Brad, this bulletin
just came over the wire.
- Hey, this is important,
we better cut right in
now and interrupt
whatever's on the air.
- At least wait 'til
after the commercial.
- As a memorial to his
great service to television,
they may put Ed Sullivan's
face on Mount Rushmore... live.
(crowd laughs)
- And what's your secret?
Oh, down the hall,
third door on your right.
(crowd laughs)
- Look, this is 1960, and
I've been put in charge
of buying television
shows for my company.
Can you look into the future
and tell me what
shows I should invest in?
- Yes, yes, in the
1960s, I see them now!
I see My Mother the Car, I
see The Tim Conway Show,
I see the Jerry Lewis Show,
I see Tim Conway again,
I see, I don't
know if this is right,
but I see Tim Conway again,
and finally I see The Survivors.
- That's just wonderful,
this is gonna be
the 10 greatest
years of my life.
(crowd laughs)
- Four!
(crowd laughs)
- It's possible that sometimes
the rating services
make mistakes.
- [Announcer On TV] Welcome
to Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
- Oh, I love this show, I
wouldn't miss it for the world.
(phone rings)
- I'll get it. Hello, who?
The Nielsen Ratings System?
What do you wanna know,
what show I'm watching?
Well...
- Honey, who's
that, who's coming
over for dinner Saturday night?
- The Partridge Family.
- Oh, right.
- Well right now I'm watching...
Hello, hello?
(crowd laughs)
- I love the way that
Dick Martin dances.
- You know, my brother's kid
watches television
two hours a day.
But when he's bad,
my brother punishes him
and makes him watch
it five hours a day.
(crowd laughs)
- Our contestant is now
in the isolation booth,
and has no way of
contacting the outside world.
(phone rings)
- Uh-Huh, OK, it's your wife,
she wants you to
pick up a loaf of bread.
(crowd laughs)
It's a medium that's
surely lost it's reason
It's a rating game that
no one's gonna win
With the reruns running
longer than the season
It's a weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird biz we're in
It's the biz we're
in (crowd applauds)
- How'd you like the
mod world of television?
- Well, speaking of television,
I've got a goat that
doesn't have a nose.
- That's the oldest
joke in the world.
- Well now, I'll just bet
the audience hasn't
heard it before.
- All right, go ahead.
- All right, I've got a goat
that doesn't have a nose.
- How does he smell?
- [Audience] Terrible!
(crowd laughs)
- All right, wise guy,
how do you explain
that everybody in the
audience knew that?
- Probably just a lucky guess.
(honks horn)
- John, I'm gonna knit
you a soul sweater, baby.
- How do you knit
a soul sweater?
- Easy, knit one, pull
belly, knit two, pull belly
- All right, right on.
- All right, gentlemen,
take five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three, four, five.
- What are you doing?
- I'm so lonely.
(crowd laughs)
- There are a lot
of things I can say
on All in the
Family that would be
out of place on this
show, for example, a joke.
- Slappy, have you ever
belonged to any
radical fringe group?
- Yes, the Citizen Committee
for the Election of
Hubert Humphrey.
(crowd laughs)
- OK, professor, now
you've already got
two counts against you,
and now I'm gonna have to
book you on a 411,
causing a stink bomb threat.
Now that's a serious charge.
- A serious charge, eh?
- That's right.
- Well then, I get another
free phone call, don't I?
- Oh no, no.
- Sergeant Harrison, legally
the man's right, we have to.
All right, one phone
call, professor,
this one goes to your lawyer.
- My lawyer?
(dials rapidly)
Fleming, Brooks
and Farber, please.
Let me speak to Farber.
Hello, Eleanor, you know
what I'm gonna do to you?
(whispers indistinctly)
- Get him, get him, take that.
- I think we've done it,
we've invented television.
- I'm gonna turn the
set on, and we'll get
our very first
television transmission.
- [Announcer On TV] But first,
these words from our sponsor.
(crowd laughs)
(bright, upbeat music)
- There are two
things which will
attract a man's
attention instantly.
Unfortunately, Raquel
Welch has both of them.
(crowd laughs)
- We'll settle this
once and for all,
no man calls me
stupid and lives.
- Gentlemen, take
five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three,
four, (fires gun)
(crowd laughs)
- You turned on
the wrong number!
- So, I'm stupid!
(crowd laughs)
- Is it true that people always
go down three times
before they drown?
- Just a minute
and I'll tell you.
Two, three, yeah,
yeah it's true.
(laughs sharply)
It sort of restores your
faith in old wives' tales.
- I know a man so bigoted,
he eats Chinese food
and an hour later refuses
to get hungry again.
- Hey is that tattoo permanent?
- Absolutely.
- But what if I want it removed?
- Use a mild soap.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what are some of your
priorities if you
become vice president?
- First I want to integrate
the space program.
- You mean to appoint
a black astronaut?
- No, but the next spaceship
that goes up will
be called Lee Roy.
(crowd laughs)
(tambourines jingling)
We're a band of
raggle-taggle gypsies
Riding in our gypsy caravan
Long before the
beatniks and the hipsies
We were here and wandering
through the land and saying
What's the news, the crazy news
The news across the nation, hey!
We have got A scoop to tell
A lot of information, hey!
In a way, A groovy way
A way that we hope
will amuse youse
Hey!
Hey!
We just love, we dearly
love, sincerely love
To give you our news
La da la la da dee da
Ladies and gents, laugh
and looks at the news
Hey Dick, hey
Dan, hey news, hey!
(crowd applauds)
- [Gary] And now,
the Laugh-In news,
with Spiro Agnew
revisiting Greece,
New York City
questioning police,
and the NRA shooting geese.
- And now, here's Dick
Martin with news of the present.
- Dateline Bombay,
famous Indian rubber man,
Baldo "The Snake" Abdhuri,
met with a strange end today,
it seems that while doing his
act, Baldo made a wrong move,
accidentally tied himself into
a slipknot and
swallowed himself.
(crowd laughs)
Dateline Johnson City,
Texas, formus president
that is, former President
Lyndon Johnson today
denied the allegation
that his memoirs
seemed to gloss over the bad
aspects of his administration.
When asked to
comment on the escalation
of the US
involvement of the war,
Mr. Johnson replied, "What war?"
(crowd laughs)
Well, I said it good enough.
(crowd laughs)
Russia has just
announced the publication
of its own version
of Playboy magazine.
The first issue
features a nude photo
of Miss Moscow posed
next to a Red Star Tank.
The caption identified the
one on the left as the tank.
(crowd laughs)
And now, here's Dean
with the future news.
- Yes, that's right.
News of the future,
20 years from now,
the first all-nude situation
comedy starring Ernest Borgnine
and Phyllis Diller
premiered on NBC last night.
Television critics said,
"It wasn't too funny,
"but at least it doesn't have
any sex or violence in it."
(crowd laughs)
- Wow, if they did that on
Sesame Street,
they'd be arrested.
(crowd laughs)
- News of the Future,
20 years from now.
Aviation history was
made today, when the first
totally computer-controlled
flight took place
without benefit of pilot
or crew, imagine that.
Everything went as planned
until halfway over the Pacific,
the plane was hijacked into
Japan by a transistor radio.
(crowd laughs)
- And now, for Kid News
for Kids, we take you
to Moosie Drier in a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
Kid News for Kids.
Last night, I slept over at
Tommy O'Reilly's house.
Boy, did we have fun,
when everybody got to sleep,
Tommy and I sneaked downstairs
and he made us a sandwich.
He put everything
on his sandwich:
lettuce, tomato, Spam,
cheese, peanut butter,
marshmallow fluff,
bologna, and some jelly.
I told him I wasn't hungry,
so he left the lettuce off mine.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- And now, here's our
Laugh-In entertainment editor.
- I just saw them,
I just was there,
I didn't know it was
gonna be a porn,
I didn't know because first
of all, the lady with the uh...
The steep, with those...
and the thing, and those uh...
She had a light,
it was fast at the...
More the... and the guy,
there was a funny man,
I'm in the back, I didn't
know he had it open,
I didn't, I wasn't sure
exactly, he had funny,
some, some, it was
something that was incre...
First, then the giraffe, when
they threw the musk at him,
when they knew that when
he leaped off the shower,
and I knew that this
was, this was... I, I'd, I...
Was absolutely,
I couldn't believe,
I think it was well
worth 10 dollars.
(crowd laughs)
- Hi sports fans, Big Al here.
(blows whistle, exclaims)
Oh, that settles it, I'm taking
you to the Burbank
Whoopie Motel.
Tonight I'm going to
talk about swimming.
If you see someone floating
motionless on the water,
he's doing the dead man's float.
If he's been floating
there for a month,
you'll know why they
call it the dead man's float.
(crowd laughs)
(blows whistle)
Oh, I've just blown
my mind over you.
This is the breaststroke,
very good for the breast.
If you're doing
this under water,
you'll be making a good
time, if you're doing it
underground, you'll
be making a tunnel.
(crowd laughs)
Above all, after eating,
wait at least an hour
before swimming,
because you'll get cramps,
and the lifeguard will
point at you and laugh.
Best watch!
(blows whistle)
Oh, oh, are you sure
there's nobody else?
I was planning to show you
some other arm movements
used in swimming, but I
decided such a demonstration
would look rather foolish
unless I was in water.
(water splashes)
Oh, oh, I just finished
eating, I'll get cramps!
(crowd laughs)
- And that's the way it is,
February 31st, 1907-11.
(crowd laughs)
La dee da la la da dee da
Ladies and gents, laugh
and look at our news
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
(crowd applauds)
(phone rings)
- Playboy Bra Company.
(crowd laughs)
- Professor, that's the second
obscene phone call charge,
you've got a
disturbing the peace,
you got the bomb
threat charge, that's it.
- That's three charges,
I get three phone calls.
- You get no more
phone calls, lock him up!
(phone rings)
- Just a moment, hello?
What, yes Linda,
you're gonna what?
Ooh, ooh, can you do that?
Ooh, yes, of course
I'll respect you.
Where, where, where,
where, where would we do this?
Ooh, Linda.
Wait a minute, just a minute,
he's here, it's your wife.
(crowd laughs)
- My roly poly face
held me back for years,
that's because my head
was tied to the bedpost.
(laughs)
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, you know, Sue
Ane, Martha Mitchell said
that when the President
failed to appoint a woman
to the Supreme
Court, she didn't talk to
her husband,
John, for two weeks.
- Well it may have been a
blow to women's lib, but at last,
somebody found a way
to stop Martha from talking.
(crowd laughs)
- I think my wife is
in trouble out there.
- Where is she?
- Out there by that rock.
- Nah, she's not in trouble,
nothing out there
but a bunch of sharks.
(crowd laughs)
- Now, when you
do a show like this,
well, there's one
thing you have to...
- Here, pull this, will you?
- Wait, what is this?
- Well, it looks
like a rope to me.
- I know that's a rope,
but what's that you
have attached to it?
- Oh, that, that's my balloon.
- That's your balloon?
Could you be a little
bit more specific?
Why do you have a rope
with a balloon attached to it?
- You know, I thought
you might ask me that,
so I've been working
on an answer.
- Have you got one?
- Yes, I'm taking a
trip around the world,
like my uncle, Phineas Foonman.
- Phineas, you're... Fogg?
- I sure hope not, I'd
have to cancel the trip.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, I'd like to hear
more about this trip.
- Well, first of all,
I'm going to set a
new altitude record.
- Oh really, how high
are you gonna go?
- Seven feet.
(crowd laughs)
- Seven feet, what kind of
an altitude record is that?
- A low one.
- That is, yes.
(crowd laughs)
- You see, I have
this fear of heigths.
- That's acrophobia.
- No, it's the truth, I
have this fear of heights.
(crowd laughs)
- Going around the world in
a balloon, that's
pure poppycock.
- No, no, no, no,
that's 60 percent nylon,
pure poppycock is very
expensive, you know.
- And a little helium, too.
Hey listen, Phineas, do you know
how long it's gonna take
you to go around the world
in this dumb balloon at
an altitude of seven feet?
- Well, I figure about 80
days if I make all the lights.
- 80 days, well when do
you plan to leave, Phineas?
- Well as soon as
my provisions arrive.
- Oh, your provisions, eh?
- Oh, hey, girlie.
(kisses)
There, oh hop right
in there, my little dears.
- Wait a minute, who are they?
- My provisions.
(crowd laughs)
Well, here we go,
up, oh, well there!
- Wait a minute...
- You can let go
of the rope now.
- Wait a minute, you're
gonna be gone for three months
and all you're
taking are two girls?
- You know, you're
right, we better
stop off and get your roommate.
(crowd laughs)
- How about the Quickies, you
gonna hang around for them?
- Hey, I've got enough to do
right now just
flying the balloon!
(crowd laughs)
Here we go.
- You want me to
let go of the rope?
- Let go of the
rope, here we go!
Off, we'll see you
in 80 days, bye now!
We'll pick the
roommate up later.
(crowd laughs)
(slide whistle blows up)
(broom sweeping rapidly)
(crowd laughs)
(slide whistle blows down)
- OK buddy, reach for the sky!
I said reach for the sky!
- Yes sir!
(slide whistle blows up)
- OK, throw down all your money.
- If you want it, you're gonna
have to come up here and get it.
(crowd laughs)
- Elwood, klutz,
hey what are you
doing knitting, isn't
that sort of feminine?
- Not at all, I find
it very relaxing.
What are you doing in a gay bar?
(crowd laughs)
- Is this a gay bar?
- I hope so.
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(crowd laughs)
- I fell down two flights of
stairs, what do you recommend?
- The elevator,
that'll be 10 dollars.
- Yeah, what makes you think
I haven't been
doing my job lately?
(crowd laughs)
- [Alan] And now
for my decision.
The winner of the
beauty contest is...
(trumpet fanfare)
Miss Gladys Arfby!
- Hey, wait a minute, both of us
are better looking than she is.
- Not in my opinion.
(crowd laughs)
- Only one star has been
on TV as long as I, Lassie.
And Lassie still has her hair,
and I think I have
some of it, too.
(crowd laughs)
- Hi.
- Hey, you know where I might
find some girls in this town?
- Look buddy, you're asking
the wrong guy, forget it.
- Man, I'd give 100
dollars for a girl right now.
- Oh, well, why
didn't you say so?
(crowd laughs)
A little something for the pot.
(crowd laughs)
- Pardon me, sir.
I'd like to see something
in a powerful, single shot.
(crowd laughs)
- You got it.
- Well, that's it for
the Quickies, now...
- [Dick] Hey Dan,
wanna pull on that?
(crowd laughs)
That's it, now you've got it.
I'll release some ballasts.
- Release some... no, that
makes you go up, ding dong.
- I'll release some
ding dong, then.
- OK.
(crowd laughs)
Well, how did it go, Phineas?
- Terrible.
- Terrible?
- Awful, first my provisions
ran out on me in Cleveland,
- I see.
- Suddenly, there I was deep
in the wilds of Central America
- Central America?
- No, make that South America.
- South America?
- There I was in the wilds of
South America
caught in my undies.
- You mean Andes?
- No, undies, fastest
house detective I ever saw.
- Get out of that balloon.
(crowd laughs)
- Tell me, Slappy,
you've said repeatedly
that a black vice president
can help our economy.
- Well, right off the bat
you can fire the chauffeur.
(crowd laughs)
(phone ringing)
- United States Army,
Submarine Division.
(crowd laughs)
- Down at the beach?
(crowd laughs)
- Can I go?
- In my whole life I
never... where, in a balloon?
- Can I go, can I go,
I wanna go with you
- Wait a minute,
that can't be me,
I'm not married, it
must be your wife.
(crowd laughs)
- All right gentlemen, take
five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three,
four, five (guns fire)
(groaning)
- How about two out of three?
(crowd laughs)
- Being on Laugh-In is like
going to plumbing school,
before you know it, your
whole career is down the drain.
- Hey, is Phyllis
spelled with a F-Y or F-I?
- It's uh, P-H-Y.
- Tell you what, I'll
give you 50 cents off.
(crowd laughs)
- Here's a tip for
you girls who'd like to
have a television
show of your own:
never go out of the house
after painting your teeth red.
(crowd laughs)
- I think my wife
is getting in trouble,
she can't swim and she's
out there in a tire intertube.
- Oh, just relax, just
let me take a look.
Oh, she's not gonna get in
trouble because of that tube.
- Well, why not?
- She just got a flat.
(crowd laughs)
- At a funeral, the
eulogy generally dwells
only on the good points
of the dear departed.
After all, who would
wanna hear the real truth?
(crowd laughs)
- Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
in final solemn tribute
to Bert Sugarman,
who was known to many
of you as an honored friend,
a good father, and a decent man.
But personally, I wouldn't
give you a nickel for him.
I never did trust him,
in fact, I'm not sure
he isn't up to
something right now.
I know that look on his face,
and he just could be faking.
I do know that his passing
took something from many of us,
because every time he
passed, he took something
from a few of us, until he
cleaned out just about all of us.
Although the wordly
values of gold and riches
are not true values,
somebody here is still going to
have to come up with 108
dollars to cover the flowers,
the box the flowers are
in, and the box Bert is in.
He didn't leave a dime, we
had to buy a second-hand
headstone, and
under all those flowers,
he isn't wearing any pants.
(crowd laughs)
Let's face it, Bert was
cheap, I mean cheap.
And if his bereaved
widow cannot believe me,
then let her just go
down to the Red Dog bar
and ask any of the
girls down there,
"Was Bert cheap or not?"
(crowd laughs)
However, to those next of
kin who are truly grief-stricken
in this hour of
loss, I can only offer
the comfort of
knowing that this is
the best thing that
could've happened to them.
For, as the passing years fade,
all who knew Bert
will remember him
as the first to go to the
needy and unfortunate
with some deed, a
word to remind them
that they were needy
and unfortunate.
I think it, therefore,
only a fitting gesture
to close with one final word:
I cannot say that word out loud.
(crowd laughs)
- That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.
- Well, did you see
me in that last sketch?
- Yes, I did.
- Now you know how a
good comedian sells a joke.
- No I don't, I was
busy watching you.
(cackles)
- Senator, do you approve
of elected officials adding
members of their own families
to the government payroll?
- Well, uh, may I call you Son?
As you know, my daddy
was a senator before me,
and I'd like to answer
that question in the words
he spoke to me when I
was only five years old.
- Oh, I see, what did he say?
- He said, "Son, you're hired."
(crowd laughs)
- Give me a D-O-L,
I said a L-A-R
give me a D-O-L, I said a L-A-R
you better give me a
D-O-L, and a L-A-R,
all right, give me 39
cents, we'll call it even.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, you are known
as an advocate of the draft.
Now what caused you to
adopt these viewpoints?
- Asthma, flat feet, and a
size 10 and a half dress.
(crowd laughs)
- All right gentlemen, take
five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three, four, five!
(guns fire)
(crowd laughs)
- I can't find my wife,
have you seen anything
of a blonde in a
two-piece swimsuit?
- Just a second, oh
sure, I can see them both.
Now the blonde's way out
there in the water waving
like anything, and the two-piece
suit just washed ashore.
Which one should we go for?
- I paid 20 dollars
for that suit.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what is the best
place to be in a nuclear attack?
- Any place where you
can say, "What was that?"
(crowd laughs)
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Well, before we do, there's
something I'd like to say.
- All right, go ahead.
- Two days ago, I
received this letter
from a Miss Linda
Halpern of Chicago, Illinois.
It is without a doubt,
the filthiest, vilest,
most repugnant and
lewd piece of trash
I have ever received in my
entire show business career.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- I have only one thing to say
to this sick, demented woman.
- What's that?
- How about the first
two weeks in July?
(crowd laughs)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night Dick!
(crowd laughs)
(upbeat band music)
- Julius, say
good night to Dick.
- Et tu, Dick.
- The answer is,
good night, Dick.
(giggling)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Fidel.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick,
good night, Pat.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick,
and I'm gonna...
(whispers indistinctly)
- Good night, Dick?
(rubber band stretching)
- Good night, Dick.
(crowd laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Slappy, I wonder if you'd
mind saying, "Good night, Dick."
- Good night, Dick.
(crowd laughs)
- Carl?
- Yes?
- What do you never, never
say to a boa constrictor?
- Let's curl up
with a good book?
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, Annie Mae?
- Yeah?
- What do you never
say to an alligator?
- I could use a little bite right
now, or how about a kiss?
(crowd laughs)
- Larry, what do you
never say to a lion?
- Would you scratch
my back, please?
(crowd laughs)
- What do you never
say to a vampire?
- Want a neck?
- That's right.
- Hey Richard, what do
you never say to a shark?
- I'll race you across the pool.
(crowd laughs)
- What do you never
say to an octopus?
- Hey pal, wanna give me a hand?
(crowd laughs)
- Johnny?
- Yeah babe?
- Johnny B, what do you never
say to a black widow spider?
- You know
something, you bug me.
- Hey Alan?
- What?
- Alan, what do you
never say to a vulture?
- Hey baby, how's your bird?
- Hi Lilly, my flower, what do
you never say to an elephant?
- Would you like me
to carry your trunk?
(crowd laughs)
- Ruth, what do you
never say to a porcupine?
- You deserve a pat on the back.
- What do you never
say to a pig, Carl?
- You want to
play a little football,
or do you want to go
to Rabbi Lewis' house?
(crowd laughs)
- This show has
been pre-recorded,
so that any mistakes
can be corrected
before it appears on
the specific crenaltemer.
Ah the... hold on, can we try
that again, I made a mistake.
- Sweetheart,
you're under arrest.
(crowd laughs)
- Let me talk to her.
Listen, I'll meet you anywhere,
yes, I'll meet you anywhere.
- Harrison, get that
phone away from him.
- No don't take the phone.
- Lock him up.
- Let me talk to her,
let me talk to her.
- You talk to her first.
- Where'd you meet
her, where did you meet,
where did he meet her,
what does she look like?
- You're under arrest, Harrison.
- What does she look like?
Ooh of course,
of course I like...
No I can't, at 6:00 I'm busy,
but I'll meet you at 6:30.
(phone rings)
- Whoa, wait a minute,
it's ringing again.
(Carl laughing)
(slide whistle blows down)
(hammer smashes thumb,
nail clangs on ground)
(crowd laughs)
(slide whistle blows down)
(tiles crash)
(single person clapping)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have a
very special guest.
- Right, an actor,
producer, director,
- Comedian, writer,
- Doctor, pencil sharpener,
umbrella stand, smoking jacket,
- I think that about covers it,
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Carl Reiner.
(crowd applauds)
- Hello, Carl.
- Hi, Dick.
Tonight, with your
kind permission,
I'd like to try something
a little different,
something I've
been thinking about...
- Isn't Rob Reiner, the star
of All in the Family, your son?
- Yes, he is, and I'm very
proud of him, but tonight,
I'd like to do my interpretation
of something that I've...
- You know, Carl,
that son of yours
is really some comedian, boy.
- Yes, he's OK, he's OK.
I'd like to do a serious
scene, something that I think...
- Hey did you see Rob
Reiner in Where's Poppa?
- Oh, I sure did,
he was sensational.
- I think he stole the film,
you know what I mean?
- I would like to, I would
like to, if you don't mind...
- Marvelous actor.
- Gentlemen, would
you please hold it?
What's this, what's all
this talk about my kid?
You know, once
he got a D in History,
and he never, in his whole
life, cleaned up his room?
Did you know that?
(crowd laughs, applauds)
- I didn't realize he had
such a terrible temper.
- Well, wouldn't you be angry
if your kid got a D in History?
(crowd laugs)
- I like Dick and Dan better
than both of them put together.
(crowd laughs)
- Since I've been
on All in the Family,
I've received offers to appear
on a lot of top variety shows.
But I turned them all down
and came on Laugh-In.
(crowd laughs)
- On Arnie, I help my husband
all I can, now that
he's in management.
Even though he never
helped me when I was in labor,
and having a big, tall kid
wasn't an easy job, I tell you.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey Lilly?
- Yes
- I'm all for nudity in movies.
- You should be, you've got
more of it that anybody else.
(crowd laughs)
- Ann?
- Yeah?
- I understand they see lots of
American TV shows in Japan.
- Yes, but they have to
use very powerful binoculars.
(crowd laughs)
- Throughout the ages, Japanese
men and women have always bowed.
- Yes, but it was never fun
until they started
wearing miniskirts.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey Dan, boy did I have
a wild party at my
place last night.
Everybody I invited showed
up, and she was wonderful.
- Hey, talking
mechanics, my mechanic
has just found out why
my car doesn't run right.
- [Dan] Why not?
- It has gas.
(crowd laughs)
- I hear Bob Hope
and Bing Crosby
are gonna form a new rock group.
- What are they gonna call it?
- Jefferson Wheelchair.
(crowd laughs)
- Do you realize that
in the past three years,
most of the Supreme
Court decisions
have been made
by President Nixon?
(crowd laughs)
- You know, last
weekend, my boyfriend
took me to a ski resort, or
was it down to the beach?
Well, what's the difference,
we had a terrific time!
(crowd laughs)
- What sings and
makes great sandwiches?
- I don't know, what?
- The Grand Front (laughing)
The Grand Funk Riccotta.
(crowd laughs)
- I live in a real swinging
apartment house.
Even the welcome
wagon stays all night.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, Alan?
- [Alan] What could it
be this time, little Ann?
- Well listen to
this, men's fashions
are getting out of
hand, first it was purses,
now it's your high-heeled shoes.
- I know, last night
I went to a party
and I was wearing the
same thing my girl had on.
(crowd laughs)
- Ricardo, how would you solve
the economic
problems of the country?
- Oh, well it's simple, see?
I'd do what Japan
and Germany did.
I'd just lose a war to America.
(crowd laughs)
- Well, this year, a lot of
us women were marching
in the streets trying
to get liberated.
- And there were
also a lot walking
in the streets trying
to get captured.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, dig it, Dan, you
know, Spiro Agnew says
a black man could
become vice president.
- [Dan] That's right.
- There he goes,
putting us down again.
(crowd laughs)
(crowd applauds)
- And now, from the beautiful
Downtown Burbank
Legal Aide Society
and boogie joint, NBC, the
Nielsen's Better Climb Network
takes a 10-foot national
pole, and still refuses
to touch Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In,
starring a real
comer, Dan Rowan.
And a near goner, Dick Martin!
With special guest
star Carl Reiner,
and Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lilly Tomlin.
With Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder, Richard Dawson,
Larry Hovis, and Moosie Drier.
With annual appearances
by Sue Ane Langdon,
Sally Struthers, Mona
Tera, and Slappy White.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice
for wrinkled, sagging skin:
Skin, shape up or ship out.
(crowd laughs)
- Hi, I'm Gayle,
fly me to Boston.
- Hi, I'm Linda,
fly me to Miami.
- Hi, I'm Jane, fly
me to New Orleans.
- Hi, I am Jose,
fly me to Havana.
(rim shot, crowd laughs)
- Many things have changed from
the early days
on live television
when mistakes on the
air couldn't be corrected.
But here are two mistakes
we still can't correct,
Dan and Dick.
(crowd laughs, applauds)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Well, again today,
I'm going to give you
the keys to my
car, my apartment,
- What do you mean?
- The one to my
safety deposit box.
I'll probably be
gone for a long time.
- What, are you leaving town?
- Well, I don't have any
choice, I've just done
the stupidest
thing in the world.
- Don't tell me you tried to
kiss another
chicken on the lips.
(crowd laughs)
OK, then, I've just done the
second stupidest
thing in the world.
(crowd laughs)
- Well, tell me, he
inquired, what did you do?
- Well I'd rather not discuss
my reckless, criminal actions.
- Your criminal actions?
- I don't wanna make you an
accomplishment to
my habeas corpus.
- Oh, heaven forfend, you
gonna tell me what you did?
- Where shall I begin?
- How about at the beginning?
- OK, my great, great
grandfather came
to this country on a
cabbage boat in 1806.
- I'm sure he
did, wait a minute,
I don't want you
to go that far back,
your trouble, what happened?
- All right, how
about last night?
- OK.
- All right.
I was watching television,
and something came over me.
- Something came over you?
- Yep, I grabbed
my pillow, - Yeah?
- And before I could stop
myself, I ripped this off.
- "Do not remove
under penalty of law."
- Don't shoot, I'm coming
out with my hands up!
(crowd laughs)
- Come on, wait a minute,
nobody's ever been arrested,
and they're certainly
not gonna shoot you
for tearing one of
these tags off of a pillow.
- You mean it?
- Well of course not.
- Well I better get over to
your house right away, then.
- My house, what for?
- Well, I parked the getaway car
right in front of your house.
(crowd laughs)
- Your car is in
front of my house?
- Not my car, the one I stole.
(crowd laughs)
- You put a stolen car
in front of my house?
- Well I had to put it
someplace until the paint dried.
- Why did you paint it?
- You think I'm crazy,
how far do you think
I'd get with a car that's
painted black and white?
(crowd laughs)
- You stole a black
and white car?
What did you do with
the red light on the roof?
- Well, I didn't
touch that thing,
but I'm sure gonna
get the radio fixed,
I can't get any
music on it at all,
just a lot of talk about
Adam 12, Code three,
something about a liquor
store downtown or something.
- Yeah, what are you gonna do
about the shotgun
in the back seat?
- I noticed that, that
big, bad doggie too.
- Bad doggie?
- Bad doggie.
(crowd laughs)
(funky music riffs)
- I hear the FBI is worried
about another Indian uprising.
But they can't figure out
how to bug a tom-tom.
(crowd laughs)
- I made a movie, which I wrote,
produced and
directed, and starred in.
If it wasn't for that
lousy make-up man,
it would've been a hit.
(crowd laughs)
- You know, what many
minority communities need
is not brown power or black
power, they need electric power.
(crowd laughs)
- Young lady, do you know
what the wages of sin are?
- Oh, about 90 dollars
on a good week.
(crowd laughs)
- You know, I'm concerned
about President Nixon's
proposed talks with Chou
Enlai and Premier Kessedjian.
I mean think of
how perfectly clear
he made the wage
price freeze to us,
and then remember that those
two don't even speak English.
(crowd laughs)
- Tell me, Senator, what is
your record on employment.
- Well son, since
I've been in office,
I've reduced unemployment
from 85 percent
to less than one-tenth
of one percent.
And that's just
in my own family.
(crowd laughs)
- Jane, Jane, people
are really uptight today,
I was visiting some
friends out in Happy Valley,
and I saw a gang of Good Humor
men attack a welcome wagon.
- You know, Lisa, I think I'm
starting to walk in my sleep.
- What makes you think so?
- Well, 8:00 this
morning, I woke up,
I was home in bed, alone.
(crowd laughs)
- Say, look at your face.
Remember when you
used to have wrinkles?
- I never used to have wrinkles.
- Well, used to or
not, they're back.
(cackles)
(crowd laughs)
- President Nixon could've
saved himself a lot of trouble
by nominating Mama
Cass for the Supreme Court.
Not only would he have
gotten a woman on the bench,
but he would also
have filled both seats.
I'm sorry, Mama.
(crowd laughs, applauds)
- And now, this word
for small car lovers:
be careful neither of you hit
your head on the doorknob.
(crowd laughs)
- We are fortunate
to be talking tonight
to Mr. Slappy
White, candidate for
the Vice President
of the United States.
Slappy, if you're
elected vice president,
what will be your
first objective?
- Statehood for Harlem.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, do you think a black
vice president would
hurt President Nixon?
- Not anymore than the
white one he's got now.
(crowd laughs)
- You've said a
black vice president
will improve relations with
unfriendly powers, which ones?
- NAACP, CORE,
and Nipsy Russell.
(crowd laughs)
- What's the biggest problem
for you as a black man,
with the second
spot on the ticket.
- Finding a white man for
the first spot on the ticket.
But enough about Ton of Mustard.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy White, do you think
being vice president
would change you any?
- No, I'd be the same
guy riding around
in the Cadillac I don't own.
(crowd laughs)
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five years old.
And you're Mrs.
Lawson's dog, aren't you?
You know what, Mama said
candy will hurt your teeth,
but I don't believe her,
because I sneaked up
into my grandma's
bedroom, and I dropped
six jelly beans into
the glass of water
where my grandma
keeps her teeth,
and it didn't hurt them a bit.
And that's the tooth.
(crowd laughs)
- Our show, Arnie, is
about a common, ordinary,
everyday guy who finds
himself in a position of power.
Sort of like Sam Yorty,
when he's in town.
(crowd laughs)
- Oh, that George
Washington, what a man.
The father of the whole country!
Wouldn't it be wonderful to
be married to a man like that?
Oh, to think, to be Mrs.
Gladys Washington.
(snoring)
- I've just come
from Valley Forge,
with its cold, and
hunger, and suffering.
- But now you're
here with me, George.
- I think I'll go back
to Valley Forge.
(crowd laughs)
- Wait, wait George, haven't you
even got time for a bite to eat?
- No, I can't eat now, I
have no time for supper.
I must go immediately
and fight the British,
because if I don't,
they will cross the river,
break into this house,
and take you away.
- Oh, I'd never see you again!
- What's for supper?
(crowd laughs)
- Sally, what are you gonna do
after All in the Family is over?
- Turn the channel
and see what else is on.
(crowd laughs)
- I've never been to the
games before, Caesar,
what do the signals
you make mean?
- Well first, there's thumbs
up, that means the man lives.
Then there's thumbs
down, that means he dies.
Then there's both
thumbs down, which
is the ultimate
punishment, that means
we send him to
Alabama for the weekend.
(crowd laughs)
- Esther, Boris told me that
he'd love me
until the day I die.
Today, he enrolled
me in a skydiving class.
(crowd laughs)
- Senator, people are
saying that we can't
afford to have
poverty in this nation.
- Son, why don't you
just wait for phase three,
poverty will be about the
only thing we can afford.
(crowd laughs)
- Right now, out
there in our audience,
we have absolutely nobody,
because our show's been canceled.
Let's really hear it
out there for nobody...
(crowd laughs)
- Ann, how did Mrs.
Lautrec discover
Toulouse was cheating on her?
- I don't know, Carl.
- One night he came home
with rouge all over his moulin.
(crowd laughs)
- Doctor, I've been coming
to you for six weeks now,
and you haven't done
me one bit of good.
- That's strange, it
usually only takes me
four weeks not to do any good.
(crowd laughs)
- Tell me something,
are you licensed
to practice medicine
in this state?
- Well, yes and no.
- What do you mean?
- Well no, I'm not licensed
to practice medicine,
and yes, this is the state
I'm not licensed to practice in.
(crowd laughs)
However, I am licensed to
practice piano in New Jersey.
Not to mention my other skills.
- Other skills?
- I told you not
to mention them.
- I'm calling the police.
- That won't do you any
good, they're not licensed
to practice piano or medicine.
- But you haven't cured
me, I want my money back.
- It won't cure you dear,
and it'll make me sick.
(crowd laughs)
- I've got to get out of here,
you're driving me crazy!
- Well in that case, come
lie down on the couch.
I'm not licensed to
practice psychiatry, either.
(crowd laughs)
You know, you remind
me of Sophia Loren,
you look like Carlo Ponti.
(crowd laughs)
(phone rings)
- Hello, Jones
Binocular Company.
(crowd laughs)
- Get your hands off me.
- Yeah, prisoner arrested on
a charge of a 764,
disturbing the peace.
- This is a misunderstanding,
I am Professor Walter Credence,
and I was not responsible.
- OK, but the
professor was lying out
in the middle of a
street intersection
trying to inflate a
plastic air mattress.
- Prisoner booked on a
764, disturbing the peace,
you have the right to
make one phone call,
professor, here's the phone.
- Thank you.
(rapid dialing)
Do you know what I'm
gonna do to you, Linda?
I'm gonna take you...
(whispers quickly, indistinctly)
(phone rings)
- Local Precinct,
Sergeant Davis.
Telephone company,
yes, what's the problem?
You've traced an
obscene phone call
to this number,
no, that's impossible
Harrison, get the professor
away from the phone.
(crowd laughs)
All right, professor,
I'm also booking you
on a 412, making an
obscene phone call.
- That means I get
another phone call?
- Oh no, you don't.
- Harrison, he's
right, one call.
You know where the phone is.
(rapid dialing, crowd laughs)
- Listen I have some very
important information for you.
At exactly 12 noon, I'm
going to put a stink bomb
in the lobby of the
Radio City Music Hall...
- Harrison, get that phone!
- That's right, a stink bomb!
(crowd laughs)
(blowing sharply)
(crowd laughs)
(comical upbeat music)
(crowd laughs)
(blows sharply)
(comical kazoo riff)
(crowd applauds)
- You're listening to Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
a program for anyone
who has ever been in love.
- Gentlemen,
choose your weapons.
(vaudeville music)
(gunshot)
(crowd laughs)
- This'll be fine.
(crowd laughs)
- My wife is out there, she
can't drown, she can't drown!
- Oh, yes she can,
she's doing beautifully.
(needle buzzing)
- OK, all done, now you've got
your girl tattooed on your arm.
- Hey, that don't
look like my girl.
- Oh no, make a muscle.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what do
you think would happen
if a black man ran
for president this year?
- Well, let me put it this
way, I think the results
would be a landslide,
and he would be under it.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what do you expect
to do about unemployment?
- Same thing I've always done,
go down every
Tuesday and sign up.
(crowd laughs)
- The next mod world, I
think, is really relevant.
There are so
many... (horn blaring)
- Good evening ladies and germs,
I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.
(honks horn)
- Wait a minute,
what are you doing?
- Just think, no more
weekly television grind.
Thanks to me, we
can finally play all those
banquets and supermarket
openings we've always dreamed of.
- Oh, beautiful.
- Speaking of supermarkets,
a guy said to me,
"Did you take a
bath this morning?"
I said, "Why, is one missing?"
(honks horn)
- Will you cut that...
- These are the jokes!
(honks horn)
- Cut it out.
- Cut it out?
I'm a comedian, not a surgeon.
(honks horn)
Where'd you get this
audience, from the yellow pages?
(honks horn)
- Wait a minute,
what's this all about?
- Well, now, would you
believe that some guy
in the parking lot
sold me all these
great jokes and props
for only 20 bucks?
- Those lines are
older than you are,
they could be
your father's jokes.
- What are you, one
of your mother's?
(honks horn)
- You paid 20
dollars for this junk?
- What else could I do, it
was all the money I had.
- You could've said no.
- Sure, and let Flip
Wilson get ahold of them?
- Oh, for crying out loud,
Flip Wilson wouldn't touch
one of those old jokes.
- That's why we're doing
the supermarket opening,
Flip Wilson will still be stuck
on nationwide television.
- Yep, Ma was right.
(laughing)
- Owes me 20 dollars.
(honks horn)
- Do you know, wait a minute.
Do you know you've
been swindled?
- No, hum a few bars,
I'll see if I can fit it in.
(crowd laughs)
- That con man in the
parking lot robbed you blind.
- Oh yeah, then why
did he promise me
a job on one of
those oceanliners?
- Oceanliners?
- Sure, he said he'd like to
get me on a slow boat to China.
(crowd laughs)
- Well, while Mr. Showbiz
here is on his slow boat,
why don't we take a fast look
at the mod world of television?
- Hey, you got any nude
pictures of your wife?
- Of course not!
- Wanna buy some?
(honks horn, crowd laughs)
It's bizarre.
It's a mess.
It's berserk SOS It's
baroque Nonetheless
It's weird
In this razzle-dazzle
world of television
Each new season sends
the networks in a spin
After many years I
have a strong suspicion
It's a weird, weird, weird,
weird, weird, weird biz we're in
Did Soupy Sales sell out?
All those big-time movie
stars have come to dinner
Guys like Stewart, Fonda,
Hudson, Curtis, Quinn
But a movie star can't
make a show a winner
It's this weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird biz we're in
Is Doris Day really happy?
You've got Carson, you've
got Cavett, you've got Griffin
You've got Douglas, Allen,
Frost, Virginia Graham
They keep talking 'til
our backs begin to stiffen
Has the day arrived
when there's so many
Talk shows no one
really gives a hoot?
If you're lucky, you're this
season's Archie Bunker
But enjoy it with
a nervous little grin
Even winning shows will
someday come a clunker
In this weird weird weird
Weird weird weird biz we're in
I still love Loretta Young
You can be the
biggest star on television
You are here today,
tomorrow you are gone
For the tube, my friend,
has really no tradition
Where are super
stars like Jason Evers,
Barbara Payne, or
even Robert Vaughn?
If you have some extra
hours, you can kill them
Watching Bette Davis
beat up Errol Flynn
With so many hours,
nothing's left to fill them
In this weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird business
Much admired,
chilly-willy business
This weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird biz we're in
It's the biz we're
in (crowd applauds)
- Speaking of
seven-inch screens,
I remember in the
old days of television
when they had seven-inch
screens, which meant
they only could show
Audrey Hepburn movies.
(crowd laughs)
- If I ever said
anything like that,
my mother would wash
my mouth out with soap.
(crowd laughs)
- I was really proud of
our new show last night,
we've seen where the
physicist and the professor
discuss the relative merits
of Spinoza versus Nietzsche
was really a nice touch,
and the classical music
behind it was very
tasteful and moving.
I said to my wife, "This is
the kind of programming
"that I really,
I really love..."
- Sir, sir, the show
only got a three rating.
- Well then cancel
that piece of junk.
(crowd laughs)
Boring is boring.
- Our contestant,
Mrs. Bruce Shaw
is now completely sealed
off in our isolation booth.
While she is in there,
she is completely cut off
from us out here,
no one can help her.
I am now going to ask her
her final question
for 74,000 dollars.
If she gets this one
right, she wins it all, OK?
The sound is on now, Mrs. Shaw,
tell me, for 74,000 dollars,
who is the President
of the United States?
- I can't breathe!
(crowd laughs)
- I'm sorry, that's not correct.
(crowd laughs)
- You're the writer
of the soap opera,
and you've got to come up with
a good ending for
our story situation.
- I just can't think anymore,
there's so much on my mind.
Both my folks need an operation,
my husband left me
for another woman,
yesterday my kid got
in trouble with the law.
I don't know what to do, it's
more than one person can bear.
- Perfect, that's it, write it!
(crowd laughs)
- Television is
like a nagging wife,
it's always on, it never
says anything worth while,
and even if you talk
back to it, it wouldn't listen.
(crowd laughs)
- Sermonette?
Oh no, I'm afraid
we're gonna have to
cancel Sermonette,
it only has one viewer.
(loud explosion
bangs outside window)
On second thought,
forget what I said.
(crowd laughs)
We're gonna keep it on.
(crowd laughs)
- And now that she is
sealed in the isolation booth,
our contestant, Mrs. Bob Shaw,
cannot hear a word
anyone out here is saying.
- The name is Mrs. Bruce Shaw!
(crowd laughs)
- Look, Brad, this bulletin
just came over the wire.
- Hey, this is important,
we better cut right in
now and interrupt
whatever's on the air.
- At least wait 'til
after the commercial.
- As a memorial to his
great service to television,
they may put Ed Sullivan's
face on Mount Rushmore... live.
(crowd laughs)
- And what's your secret?
Oh, down the hall,
third door on your right.
(crowd laughs)
- Look, this is 1960, and
I've been put in charge
of buying television
shows for my company.
Can you look into the future
and tell me what
shows I should invest in?
- Yes, yes, in the
1960s, I see them now!
I see My Mother the Car, I
see The Tim Conway Show,
I see the Jerry Lewis Show,
I see Tim Conway again,
I see, I don't
know if this is right,
but I see Tim Conway again,
and finally I see The Survivors.
- That's just wonderful,
this is gonna be
the 10 greatest
years of my life.
(crowd laughs)
- Four!
(crowd laughs)
- It's possible that sometimes
the rating services
make mistakes.
- [Announcer On TV] Welcome
to Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
- Oh, I love this show, I
wouldn't miss it for the world.
(phone rings)
- I'll get it. Hello, who?
The Nielsen Ratings System?
What do you wanna know,
what show I'm watching?
Well...
- Honey, who's
that, who's coming
over for dinner Saturday night?
- The Partridge Family.
- Oh, right.
- Well right now I'm watching...
Hello, hello?
(crowd laughs)
- I love the way that
Dick Martin dances.
- You know, my brother's kid
watches television
two hours a day.
But when he's bad,
my brother punishes him
and makes him watch
it five hours a day.
(crowd laughs)
- Our contestant is now
in the isolation booth,
and has no way of
contacting the outside world.
(phone rings)
- Uh-Huh, OK, it's your wife,
she wants you to
pick up a loaf of bread.
(crowd laughs)
It's a medium that's
surely lost it's reason
It's a rating game that
no one's gonna win
With the reruns running
longer than the season
It's a weird, weird, weird,
Weird, weird, weird biz we're in
It's the biz we're
in (crowd applauds)
- How'd you like the
mod world of television?
- Well, speaking of television,
I've got a goat that
doesn't have a nose.
- That's the oldest
joke in the world.
- Well now, I'll just bet
the audience hasn't
heard it before.
- All right, go ahead.
- All right, I've got a goat
that doesn't have a nose.
- How does he smell?
- [Audience] Terrible!
(crowd laughs)
- All right, wise guy,
how do you explain
that everybody in the
audience knew that?
- Probably just a lucky guess.
(honks horn)
- John, I'm gonna knit
you a soul sweater, baby.
- How do you knit
a soul sweater?
- Easy, knit one, pull
belly, knit two, pull belly
- All right, right on.
- All right, gentlemen,
take five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three, four, five.
- What are you doing?
- I'm so lonely.
(crowd laughs)
- There are a lot
of things I can say
on All in the
Family that would be
out of place on this
show, for example, a joke.
- Slappy, have you ever
belonged to any
radical fringe group?
- Yes, the Citizen Committee
for the Election of
Hubert Humphrey.
(crowd laughs)
- OK, professor, now
you've already got
two counts against you,
and now I'm gonna have to
book you on a 411,
causing a stink bomb threat.
Now that's a serious charge.
- A serious charge, eh?
- That's right.
- Well then, I get another
free phone call, don't I?
- Oh no, no.
- Sergeant Harrison, legally
the man's right, we have to.
All right, one phone
call, professor,
this one goes to your lawyer.
- My lawyer?
(dials rapidly)
Fleming, Brooks
and Farber, please.
Let me speak to Farber.
Hello, Eleanor, you know
what I'm gonna do to you?
(whispers indistinctly)
- Get him, get him, take that.
- I think we've done it,
we've invented television.
- I'm gonna turn the
set on, and we'll get
our very first
television transmission.
- [Announcer On TV] But first,
these words from our sponsor.
(crowd laughs)
(bright, upbeat music)
- There are two
things which will
attract a man's
attention instantly.
Unfortunately, Raquel
Welch has both of them.
(crowd laughs)
- We'll settle this
once and for all,
no man calls me
stupid and lives.
- Gentlemen, take
five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three,
four, (fires gun)
(crowd laughs)
- You turned on
the wrong number!
- So, I'm stupid!
(crowd laughs)
- Is it true that people always
go down three times
before they drown?
- Just a minute
and I'll tell you.
Two, three, yeah,
yeah it's true.
(laughs sharply)
It sort of restores your
faith in old wives' tales.
- I know a man so bigoted,
he eats Chinese food
and an hour later refuses
to get hungry again.
- Hey is that tattoo permanent?
- Absolutely.
- But what if I want it removed?
- Use a mild soap.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what are some of your
priorities if you
become vice president?
- First I want to integrate
the space program.
- You mean to appoint
a black astronaut?
- No, but the next spaceship
that goes up will
be called Lee Roy.
(crowd laughs)
(tambourines jingling)
We're a band of
raggle-taggle gypsies
Riding in our gypsy caravan
Long before the
beatniks and the hipsies
We were here and wandering
through the land and saying
What's the news, the crazy news
The news across the nation, hey!
We have got A scoop to tell
A lot of information, hey!
In a way, A groovy way
A way that we hope
will amuse youse
Hey!
Hey!
We just love, we dearly
love, sincerely love
To give you our news
La da la la da dee da
Ladies and gents, laugh
and looks at the news
Hey Dick, hey
Dan, hey news, hey!
(crowd applauds)
- [Gary] And now,
the Laugh-In news,
with Spiro Agnew
revisiting Greece,
New York City
questioning police,
and the NRA shooting geese.
- And now, here's Dick
Martin with news of the present.
- Dateline Bombay,
famous Indian rubber man,
Baldo "The Snake" Abdhuri,
met with a strange end today,
it seems that while doing his
act, Baldo made a wrong move,
accidentally tied himself into
a slipknot and
swallowed himself.
(crowd laughs)
Dateline Johnson City,
Texas, formus president
that is, former President
Lyndon Johnson today
denied the allegation
that his memoirs
seemed to gloss over the bad
aspects of his administration.
When asked to
comment on the escalation
of the US
involvement of the war,
Mr. Johnson replied, "What war?"
(crowd laughs)
Well, I said it good enough.
(crowd laughs)
Russia has just
announced the publication
of its own version
of Playboy magazine.
The first issue
features a nude photo
of Miss Moscow posed
next to a Red Star Tank.
The caption identified the
one on the left as the tank.
(crowd laughs)
And now, here's Dean
with the future news.
- Yes, that's right.
News of the future,
20 years from now,
the first all-nude situation
comedy starring Ernest Borgnine
and Phyllis Diller
premiered on NBC last night.
Television critics said,
"It wasn't too funny,
"but at least it doesn't have
any sex or violence in it."
(crowd laughs)
- Wow, if they did that on
Sesame Street,
they'd be arrested.
(crowd laughs)
- News of the Future,
20 years from now.
Aviation history was
made today, when the first
totally computer-controlled
flight took place
without benefit of pilot
or crew, imagine that.
Everything went as planned
until halfway over the Pacific,
the plane was hijacked into
Japan by a transistor radio.
(crowd laughs)
- And now, for Kid News
for Kids, we take you
to Moosie Drier in a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
Kid News for Kids.
Last night, I slept over at
Tommy O'Reilly's house.
Boy, did we have fun,
when everybody got to sleep,
Tommy and I sneaked downstairs
and he made us a sandwich.
He put everything
on his sandwich:
lettuce, tomato, Spam,
cheese, peanut butter,
marshmallow fluff,
bologna, and some jelly.
I told him I wasn't hungry,
so he left the lettuce off mine.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- And now, here's our
Laugh-In entertainment editor.
- I just saw them,
I just was there,
I didn't know it was
gonna be a porn,
I didn't know because first
of all, the lady with the uh...
The steep, with those...
and the thing, and those uh...
She had a light,
it was fast at the...
More the... and the guy,
there was a funny man,
I'm in the back, I didn't
know he had it open,
I didn't, I wasn't sure
exactly, he had funny,
some, some, it was
something that was incre...
First, then the giraffe, when
they threw the musk at him,
when they knew that when
he leaped off the shower,
and I knew that this
was, this was... I, I'd, I...
Was absolutely,
I couldn't believe,
I think it was well
worth 10 dollars.
(crowd laughs)
- Hi sports fans, Big Al here.
(blows whistle, exclaims)
Oh, that settles it, I'm taking
you to the Burbank
Whoopie Motel.
Tonight I'm going to
talk about swimming.
If you see someone floating
motionless on the water,
he's doing the dead man's float.
If he's been floating
there for a month,
you'll know why they
call it the dead man's float.
(crowd laughs)
(blows whistle)
Oh, I've just blown
my mind over you.
This is the breaststroke,
very good for the breast.
If you're doing
this under water,
you'll be making a good
time, if you're doing it
underground, you'll
be making a tunnel.
(crowd laughs)
Above all, after eating,
wait at least an hour
before swimming,
because you'll get cramps,
and the lifeguard will
point at you and laugh.
Best watch!
(blows whistle)
Oh, oh, are you sure
there's nobody else?
I was planning to show you
some other arm movements
used in swimming, but I
decided such a demonstration
would look rather foolish
unless I was in water.
(water splashes)
Oh, oh, I just finished
eating, I'll get cramps!
(crowd laughs)
- And that's the way it is,
February 31st, 1907-11.
(crowd laughs)
La dee da la la da dee da
Ladies and gents, laugh
and look at our news
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
(crowd applauds)
(phone rings)
- Playboy Bra Company.
(crowd laughs)
- Professor, that's the second
obscene phone call charge,
you've got a
disturbing the peace,
you got the bomb
threat charge, that's it.
- That's three charges,
I get three phone calls.
- You get no more
phone calls, lock him up!
(phone rings)
- Just a moment, hello?
What, yes Linda,
you're gonna what?
Ooh, ooh, can you do that?
Ooh, yes, of course
I'll respect you.
Where, where, where,
where, where would we do this?
Ooh, Linda.
Wait a minute, just a minute,
he's here, it's your wife.
(crowd laughs)
- My roly poly face
held me back for years,
that's because my head
was tied to the bedpost.
(laughs)
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, you know, Sue
Ane, Martha Mitchell said
that when the President
failed to appoint a woman
to the Supreme
Court, she didn't talk to
her husband,
John, for two weeks.
- Well it may have been a
blow to women's lib, but at last,
somebody found a way
to stop Martha from talking.
(crowd laughs)
- I think my wife is
in trouble out there.
- Where is she?
- Out there by that rock.
- Nah, she's not in trouble,
nothing out there
but a bunch of sharks.
(crowd laughs)
- Now, when you
do a show like this,
well, there's one
thing you have to...
- Here, pull this, will you?
- Wait, what is this?
- Well, it looks
like a rope to me.
- I know that's a rope,
but what's that you
have attached to it?
- Oh, that, that's my balloon.
- That's your balloon?
Could you be a little
bit more specific?
Why do you have a rope
with a balloon attached to it?
- You know, I thought
you might ask me that,
so I've been working
on an answer.
- Have you got one?
- Yes, I'm taking a
trip around the world,
like my uncle, Phineas Foonman.
- Phineas, you're... Fogg?
- I sure hope not, I'd
have to cancel the trip.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, I'd like to hear
more about this trip.
- Well, first of all,
I'm going to set a
new altitude record.
- Oh really, how high
are you gonna go?
- Seven feet.
(crowd laughs)
- Seven feet, what kind of
an altitude record is that?
- A low one.
- That is, yes.
(crowd laughs)
- You see, I have
this fear of heigths.
- That's acrophobia.
- No, it's the truth, I
have this fear of heights.
(crowd laughs)
- Going around the world in
a balloon, that's
pure poppycock.
- No, no, no, no,
that's 60 percent nylon,
pure poppycock is very
expensive, you know.
- And a little helium, too.
Hey listen, Phineas, do you know
how long it's gonna take
you to go around the world
in this dumb balloon at
an altitude of seven feet?
- Well, I figure about 80
days if I make all the lights.
- 80 days, well when do
you plan to leave, Phineas?
- Well as soon as
my provisions arrive.
- Oh, your provisions, eh?
- Oh, hey, girlie.
(kisses)
There, oh hop right
in there, my little dears.
- Wait a minute, who are they?
- My provisions.
(crowd laughs)
Well, here we go,
up, oh, well there!
- Wait a minute...
- You can let go
of the rope now.
- Wait a minute, you're
gonna be gone for three months
and all you're
taking are two girls?
- You know, you're
right, we better
stop off and get your roommate.
(crowd laughs)
- How about the Quickies, you
gonna hang around for them?
- Hey, I've got enough to do
right now just
flying the balloon!
(crowd laughs)
Here we go.
- You want me to
let go of the rope?
- Let go of the
rope, here we go!
Off, we'll see you
in 80 days, bye now!
We'll pick the
roommate up later.
(crowd laughs)
(slide whistle blows up)
(broom sweeping rapidly)
(crowd laughs)
(slide whistle blows down)
- OK buddy, reach for the sky!
I said reach for the sky!
- Yes sir!
(slide whistle blows up)
- OK, throw down all your money.
- If you want it, you're gonna
have to come up here and get it.
(crowd laughs)
- Elwood, klutz,
hey what are you
doing knitting, isn't
that sort of feminine?
- Not at all, I find
it very relaxing.
What are you doing in a gay bar?
(crowd laughs)
- Is this a gay bar?
- I hope so.
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(crowd laughs)
- I fell down two flights of
stairs, what do you recommend?
- The elevator,
that'll be 10 dollars.
- Yeah, what makes you think
I haven't been
doing my job lately?
(crowd laughs)
- [Alan] And now
for my decision.
The winner of the
beauty contest is...
(trumpet fanfare)
Miss Gladys Arfby!
- Hey, wait a minute, both of us
are better looking than she is.
- Not in my opinion.
(crowd laughs)
- Only one star has been
on TV as long as I, Lassie.
And Lassie still has her hair,
and I think I have
some of it, too.
(crowd laughs)
- Hi.
- Hey, you know where I might
find some girls in this town?
- Look buddy, you're asking
the wrong guy, forget it.
- Man, I'd give 100
dollars for a girl right now.
- Oh, well, why
didn't you say so?
(crowd laughs)
A little something for the pot.
(crowd laughs)
- Pardon me, sir.
I'd like to see something
in a powerful, single shot.
(crowd laughs)
- You got it.
- Well, that's it for
the Quickies, now...
- [Dick] Hey Dan,
wanna pull on that?
(crowd laughs)
That's it, now you've got it.
I'll release some ballasts.
- Release some... no, that
makes you go up, ding dong.
- I'll release some
ding dong, then.
- OK.
(crowd laughs)
Well, how did it go, Phineas?
- Terrible.
- Terrible?
- Awful, first my provisions
ran out on me in Cleveland,
- I see.
- Suddenly, there I was deep
in the wilds of Central America
- Central America?
- No, make that South America.
- South America?
- There I was in the wilds of
South America
caught in my undies.
- You mean Andes?
- No, undies, fastest
house detective I ever saw.
- Get out of that balloon.
(crowd laughs)
- Tell me, Slappy,
you've said repeatedly
that a black vice president
can help our economy.
- Well, right off the bat
you can fire the chauffeur.
(crowd laughs)
(phone ringing)
- United States Army,
Submarine Division.
(crowd laughs)
- Down at the beach?
(crowd laughs)
- Can I go?
- In my whole life I
never... where, in a balloon?
- Can I go, can I go,
I wanna go with you
- Wait a minute,
that can't be me,
I'm not married, it
must be your wife.
(crowd laughs)
- All right gentlemen, take
five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three,
four, five (guns fire)
(groaning)
- How about two out of three?
(crowd laughs)
- Being on Laugh-In is like
going to plumbing school,
before you know it, your
whole career is down the drain.
- Hey, is Phyllis
spelled with a F-Y or F-I?
- It's uh, P-H-Y.
- Tell you what, I'll
give you 50 cents off.
(crowd laughs)
- Here's a tip for
you girls who'd like to
have a television
show of your own:
never go out of the house
after painting your teeth red.
(crowd laughs)
- I think my wife
is getting in trouble,
she can't swim and she's
out there in a tire intertube.
- Oh, just relax, just
let me take a look.
Oh, she's not gonna get in
trouble because of that tube.
- Well, why not?
- She just got a flat.
(crowd laughs)
- At a funeral, the
eulogy generally dwells
only on the good points
of the dear departed.
After all, who would
wanna hear the real truth?
(crowd laughs)
- Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
in final solemn tribute
to Bert Sugarman,
who was known to many
of you as an honored friend,
a good father, and a decent man.
But personally, I wouldn't
give you a nickel for him.
I never did trust him,
in fact, I'm not sure
he isn't up to
something right now.
I know that look on his face,
and he just could be faking.
I do know that his passing
took something from many of us,
because every time he
passed, he took something
from a few of us, until he
cleaned out just about all of us.
Although the wordly
values of gold and riches
are not true values,
somebody here is still going to
have to come up with 108
dollars to cover the flowers,
the box the flowers are
in, and the box Bert is in.
He didn't leave a dime, we
had to buy a second-hand
headstone, and
under all those flowers,
he isn't wearing any pants.
(crowd laughs)
Let's face it, Bert was
cheap, I mean cheap.
And if his bereaved
widow cannot believe me,
then let her just go
down to the Red Dog bar
and ask any of the
girls down there,
"Was Bert cheap or not?"
(crowd laughs)
However, to those next of
kin who are truly grief-stricken
in this hour of
loss, I can only offer
the comfort of
knowing that this is
the best thing that
could've happened to them.
For, as the passing years fade,
all who knew Bert
will remember him
as the first to go to the
needy and unfortunate
with some deed, a
word to remind them
that they were needy
and unfortunate.
I think it, therefore,
only a fitting gesture
to close with one final word:
I cannot say that word out loud.
(crowd laughs)
- That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.
- Well, did you see
me in that last sketch?
- Yes, I did.
- Now you know how a
good comedian sells a joke.
- No I don't, I was
busy watching you.
(cackles)
- Senator, do you approve
of elected officials adding
members of their own families
to the government payroll?
- Well, uh, may I call you Son?
As you know, my daddy
was a senator before me,
and I'd like to answer
that question in the words
he spoke to me when I
was only five years old.
- Oh, I see, what did he say?
- He said, "Son, you're hired."
(crowd laughs)
- Give me a D-O-L,
I said a L-A-R
give me a D-O-L, I said a L-A-R
you better give me a
D-O-L, and a L-A-R,
all right, give me 39
cents, we'll call it even.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, you are known
as an advocate of the draft.
Now what caused you to
adopt these viewpoints?
- Asthma, flat feet, and a
size 10 and a half dress.
(crowd laughs)
- All right gentlemen, take
five steps, turn and fire.
One, two, three, four, five!
(guns fire)
(crowd laughs)
- I can't find my wife,
have you seen anything
of a blonde in a
two-piece swimsuit?
- Just a second, oh
sure, I can see them both.
Now the blonde's way out
there in the water waving
like anything, and the two-piece
suit just washed ashore.
Which one should we go for?
- I paid 20 dollars
for that suit.
(crowd laughs)
- Slappy, what is the best
place to be in a nuclear attack?
- Any place where you
can say, "What was that?"
(crowd laughs)
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Well, before we do, there's
something I'd like to say.
- All right, go ahead.
- Two days ago, I
received this letter
from a Miss Linda
Halpern of Chicago, Illinois.
It is without a doubt,
the filthiest, vilest,
most repugnant and
lewd piece of trash
I have ever received in my
entire show business career.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- I have only one thing to say
to this sick, demented woman.
- What's that?
- How about the first
two weeks in July?
(crowd laughs)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night Dick!
(crowd laughs)
(upbeat band music)
- Julius, say
good night to Dick.
- Et tu, Dick.
- The answer is,
good night, Dick.
(giggling)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Fidel.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick,
good night, Pat.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick,
and I'm gonna...
(whispers indistinctly)
- Good night, Dick?
(rubber band stretching)
- Good night, Dick.
(crowd laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Slappy, I wonder if you'd
mind saying, "Good night, Dick."
- Good night, Dick.
(crowd laughs)
- Carl?
- Yes?
- What do you never, never
say to a boa constrictor?
- Let's curl up
with a good book?
(crowd laughs)
- Hey, Annie Mae?
- Yeah?
- What do you never
say to an alligator?
- I could use a little bite right
now, or how about a kiss?
(crowd laughs)
- Larry, what do you
never say to a lion?
- Would you scratch
my back, please?
(crowd laughs)
- What do you never
say to a vampire?
- Want a neck?
- That's right.
- Hey Richard, what do
you never say to a shark?
- I'll race you across the pool.
(crowd laughs)
- What do you never
say to an octopus?
- Hey pal, wanna give me a hand?
(crowd laughs)
- Johnny?
- Yeah babe?
- Johnny B, what do you never
say to a black widow spider?
- You know
something, you bug me.
- Hey Alan?
- What?
- Alan, what do you
never say to a vulture?
- Hey baby, how's your bird?
- Hi Lilly, my flower, what do
you never say to an elephant?
- Would you like me
to carry your trunk?
(crowd laughs)
- Ruth, what do you
never say to a porcupine?
- You deserve a pat on the back.
- What do you never
say to a pig, Carl?
- You want to
play a little football,
or do you want to go
to Rabbi Lewis' house?
(crowd laughs)
- This show has
been pre-recorded,
so that any mistakes
can be corrected
before it appears on
the specific crenaltemer.
Ah the... hold on, can we try
that again, I made a mistake.
- Sweetheart,
you're under arrest.
(crowd laughs)
- Let me talk to her.
Listen, I'll meet you anywhere,
yes, I'll meet you anywhere.
- Harrison, get that
phone away from him.
- No don't take the phone.
- Lock him up.
- Let me talk to her,
let me talk to her.
- You talk to her first.
- Where'd you meet
her, where did you meet,
where did he meet her,
what does she look like?
- You're under arrest, Harrison.
- What does she look like?
Ooh of course,
of course I like...
No I can't, at 6:00 I'm busy,
but I'll meet you at 6:30.
(phone rings)
- Whoa, wait a minute,
it's ringing again.
(Carl laughing)
(slide whistle blows down)
(hammer smashes thumb,
nail clangs on ground)
(crowd laughs)
(slide whistle blows down)
(tiles crash)
(single person clapping)