Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 16 - Episode #5.16 - full transcript
- Due to circumstances
beyond our control,
we now present, Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
(bird whistling)
- How'd you like to see
her in a tight sweater?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Henny sweetheart,
how many jokes have
you told in your career?
- I've told millions of jokes,
made hundreds of people laugh.
(audience laughing)
- Fanny Flagg, baby.
Hey listen, tell me something,
why is Dick Van Dyke's
show filmed in Arizona?
- Well, I'll tell you the truth,
I think the main reason,
is because that's
where we perform it.
(audience laughing)
- Charles Nelson Reilly.
- Oh, say it again to the seats.
- Oh, Charles Nelson Reilly.
- In color, prime time.
- Charles Nelson Reilly,
that is a long name.
- Oh, is it?
- What do they
call you for short?
- Chuck Nelson
Reilly, the Third.
- Say it again, prime time.
- [Both] Chuck Nelson
Reilly, the Third.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, someone will be up
to comb you out in a minute.
(audience laughing)
- Well say the secret
word, and you're a winner.
- What?
- That's close enough.
- Hey, haven't
you got any folks?
- Dad and Mama
are with the angels.
- Hey, what a coincidence.
I got a cousin with the Cubs.
(audience laughing)
(bride laughing)
- Oh, you're so sentimental.
Isn't this where we met?
(audience laughing)
- An adult might
laugh at that joke,
but we kids never would.
- Well that's 92
dollars and 44 cents.
You surely do have
a lot of groceries.
- All right.
- You want a box?
- Uh, yes.
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
- All right partner, this is it.
Now, dance.
- I thought you'd never ask.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you really can dip me.
- I must say that Laugh-In
is making rapid
strides in acceptability.
If it keeps up its pace,
I imagine that in no time,
Laugh-In will be almost
as tasteful as a loud burp.
- Jimmy Coco, baby.
You know, you and I
have a lot in common.
We're both a little overweight.
- Uh huh, and you're
Brown and I'm Coco.
(audience laughing)
I like that one.
- Me too.
- That one's all right.
- I like that one too.
(upbeat comic music)
(scratching)
(audience laughing)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Beauty Pageant and
Reclamation Center,
NBC, the nutty
but careful network,
cares enough to
give the very best,
but presents instead,
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, starring,
the stalwart Dan Rowan,
and the worry wart, Dick Martin,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma, Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier,
with cameo appearances
by James Coco,
Fanny Flagg,
Charles Nelson Reilly,
Mort Sahl, Mona Tara,
and Henny Youngman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with these questions
for expectant mothers,
who, what, where, when, and why?
- I don't care what happens,
I'm going to tell my boss
about Scoup mouthwash.
Mr. Wacker?
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, I can't wait.
Dick, tell me, what is this?
- Oh, thank you.
I wondered where
that had gone to.
- Oh, you lost it?
- Yeah, I thought I'd lost it.
This right here is the
key to my wine cellar.
- Your wine cellar?
What, you now in
the wine business?
- Am I in the wine business?
Does a polar bear
shiver in the snow?
- Yes.
- I wondered about that.
- You really know
a lot about wines?
- Does a goose go
barefoot on the beach?
- Yes.
- You know a lot about nature.
- Yeah, but can we get back,
let's talk about wine.
- I'd love to, you know
I'm in the wine business.
- That's what you said.
What's your most expensive wine?
- Oh, it runs about
a $1.40 a pound.
- A $1.40 a p..., you
buy wine by the pound?
- Well it's cheaper than
buyin' it by the bushel.
- Yeah, I suppose it is.
Listen, I happen to
be an expert on wines.
- Good, I will send
you over a bushel.
You know I've got a
lot of it standing around.
- Standing around?
What do you mean,
standing around?
Your wine has to be lying
down to keep the corks wet.
- What corks?
(audience laughing)
- The corks in the bottles.
- What bottles?
- What bottles?
If you don't put corks in
bottles, and have bottles,
what do you got your wine in?
- I told you, in the cellar.
- All right, in the cellar,
what do you keep your wine in?
- In baggies.
- Baggies?
- Sure, it's like
the old saying,
a loaf of bread, a
bag of wine, and thou.
(audience laughing)
(Dan mock laughing)
- How do you age your wine?
- Age my wine?
- Yeah, how do
you age your wine?
- I sneak down in the
cellar, and go, boo!
- Ah come on.
(audience laughing)
- Oh that ages 'em.
It makes them gray.
- Now come on, how
do you age your wine?
- Well I have a very
special process.
- What's that?
- I squeeze the wine
through argyle socks.
- Now what does
that do for wine?
- I don't know, but it does
wonders for my socks.
- I'll bet it does.
So this is like everything else,
you don't know anything
about wine-making.
I'll bet you don't even
know the difference
between a red and a white wine.
- Ho, ho, I laugh on
your mustache, ha.
I happen to know
the difference between
a red and a white wine.
- What's the difference?
- The color.
- Well I know that.
- The color is different.
- I mean some wines
go with different foods.
For instance,
meat, poultry, fish...
- Peanut butter.
- Peanut?
What do you, what kind of wine
do you serve with peanut butter?
- Oh any good brown wine'll do.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, I don't have time
for any more of this nonsense.
- Trouble is it sticks to
the roof of your cellar.
- I don't want to hear
about your brown wine,
or your cellar.
- On this date in history,
Anne Boleyn called King
Henry the 8th, a fat icky creep,
but still lost her
head over him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy rock music)
- Ronald Reagan recently
compared South Vietnam's
President Thieu, to
George Washington,
and there is a comparison.
One of them threw a
dollar across the Potomac,
and the other threw a
billion dollars down the drain.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, do you think the
women's liberation movement
should have started
with burning their bras?
- Definitely, I think it
could lead to bigger things.
(audience laughing)
- The police scandal
in New York is so bad,
I heard Mayor Lindsay
may have to institute
a wage-bribe freeze.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, you know the real
reason they put John Connally
in charge of phase two
of the economic plan,
simply because
if it doesn't work
they can always
blame it on a Democrat.
(audience laughing)
- I gave my wife a
fake fur, and I told her,
pretend it's real.
She said all right, tonight
when you go to bed,
pretend I'm with you.
(audience laughing)
- Inflation has gotten so bad,
that I had to save
up for three weeks,
just to go window shopping.
(audience laughing)
- I live in an
apartment building
that really has some swingers.
The girl down the hall
just flunked her
driving test yesterday,
as soon as the car stalled,
she jumped in the backseat.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, when President
Nixon nominates someone
to the Supreme Court,
there's one very important
thing he must consider,
who to nominate after that.
(audience laughing)
- Well, those
automobile repair places
are really something.
I went to one yesterday,
and my car was held
up for an hour and a half,
and I was held up for $60.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I know one
Senator who's been in his chair
every single day for
the past four years.
- Well that's dedication.
- No, that's old age.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- The Gophers
are now going to try
for a game-winning field goal.
The kick is up.
Is it long enough?
Is it long enough?
Is it long enough?
It's long enough.
- Moosie here,
kid news for kids.
I went to the dentist today,
and this side of my
face has Novacane in it,
and I can't feel a thing.
Then Butchy
and I got in a fight,
and I would have won the fight,
except for one thing,
Butchy hit me on
this side of my face.
(audience laughing)
- Give me a beer.
- Hey man, aren't you
gonna blow the head off?
- Oh yeah.
(gun firing)
- Dracula cautiously
entered. (squeaking)
His evil craving (squeaking)
driving him,
relentlessly (squeaking)
towards his victim. (squeaking)
even as one moveth, (squeaking)
in life towards
death, (squeaking)
in life towards
death. (squeaking)
Isn't that a
quotation (squeaking)
from the Bible?
Yes. (squeaking)
yes it is, look.
(audience laughing)
- Ole!
(audience laughing)
- [Audience] Ole!
- Look, one of the
problems I face as an artist,
is I could only paint
seascapes at low tide.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
- Hmmm?
- I had a very dear friend,
and he was operated
on by a tree surgeon.
- Well how'd it work out?
- Well it worked out just fine.
The only thing was, every winter
his ears turned
brown and fell off.
(audience laughing)
- What angers you
the most, Charles?
- Oh, people who
won't listen when I talk.
- Just fine thanks, how are you?
- Lovely.
- I think when I retire,
I'll teach physical education.
After all, I've become an
expert with body contact sports.
(audience laughing)
- And now here's
Zsa Zsa Gabor to sing,
I fell in love with you,
first time I looked
into that there wallet.
(audience laughing)
(screaming from
the movie screen)
- Oww!
Oh, oh.
Oh gee I'm terribly sorry.
Oh no.
- Hey, get your
hands off of my girl.
(Alan muffled)
Troublemaker, you back for more?
(punching)
(audience laughing)
- Look here, are
you a troublemaker?
I know what to do
with guys like you.
And stay out.
- I was just beginning
to enjoy the movie.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five years old.
And you know what?
My sister Mary Jean, came
home from the hospital,
where they took out her tonsils.
And she got a bunch of presents,
and she didn't
have to go to school,
and she got all the
ice cream she wanted.
And I thought that
was a good thing.
So I put my hand in my mouth
to try to pull my tonsils out.
(audience laughing)
And I threw up.
And all I got was sent to bed.
And that's the truth.
- You know something Gladys?
You remind me of a
South American country.
- Oh, because you find
me warm and sultry?
- No, because I find
you continually revolting.
- Huh, oh!
- Well, here we are in
our press conference set.
You notice right
away where we are.
We're in this set,
because tonight
we're doing
something very special.
This is going to
be, very honestly,
a free-wheeling,
ad lib, off the cuff,
sort of a press conference
question and answer session.
Our guest is one of our
country's most perceptive wits,
America's first
angry man, Mort Sahl.
- Hey, hey, hey.
(audience applauding)
- We have you lining up here.
- Like a used car dealer.
- Well, it's great to
have you here, Mort.
Now, you know, to make
this press conference
a little more difficult...
- Yes.
- You will be addressed as
a famous person, you see.
And you've gotta
answer the question
the way you think
they might answer.
How's that?
- You got that straight?
- I want to clear it
with your friend here.
You think I should do that?
- I think you
should give it a try.
- He isn't misleading me?
- President Richard Nixon,
would you please
explain phase three
of your economic game plan?
- Well,
Miss Elder I want to
make this perfectly clear,
as the first president accused
of having three phases.
(audience laughing)
- Mort Sahl, what do
you think will happen
if Ronald Reagan
becomes president?
- Well, uh, he's
had a tough time.
I'd be the last one to say,
he hasn't had a tough time.
I think it would be, if
he became president,
I'd think we could have
the wholesale destruction
of the University of California,
thereby beating
the students to it.
(audience laughing)
- If Hubert Humphrey had
been Nixon's vice president,
and Agnew had been Johnson's,
what difference
would it have made?
- Not a great deal.
This is what American
Motors refers to
in the assembly of cars,
as interchangeable parts.
(audience laughing)
Although, I feel, maybe
we shouldn't have raised it
to the level of General Motors.
I feel that most
vice presidential,
I'm saying they could have
been produced by Mattel.
(audience laughing)
- What do you think the
Democrats need most
to win the 1972 election?
- Well I think they should start
with a constituency and build.
(audience laughing)
- Tonight we're
going to take a look
at the mod world of New York.
- Guess what's gonna
happen to me when I drink this.
- Well, if it's from
the Hudson River
you're gonna probably
scream, jump up and down,
and then pass out.
- Piffle and flapdoodle.
- Oh yeah.
- I have just acquired this
secret fountain of youth elixir.
- Now I'm ashamed of you.
That's the oldest
trick in the world.
- No, the oldest trick in the
world is Abigail Boom Boom.
- All right.
(audience laughing)
Now where did
you get this stuff?
- Well, from a 250 year old man
right out in the parking lot.
- How do you know
he was 250 years old?
- Well, I checked
his drivers license.
Born in 1721.
- They didn't have
cars in 1721 dummy.
- Well don't call me dummy,
he was the one with the license.
- How much did it cost you?
- Nothing, he gave it to me.
- No fooling?
He gave it to you?
- All I had to do was put
a deposit on the bottle.
- Ah ha, and how much was that?
- 25 dollars.
- He gave it to you all right.
Give me that.
You know what that is?
That's furniture polish.
- Furniture polish?
That's amazing.
- You call spending 25 bucks
for a bottle of furniture
polish amazing?
- No, what's amazing is,
how furniture polish could
keep a guy alive for 250 years.
(audience laughing)
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- [All] City.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- [All] City.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- [All] City.
You are a fabulous town.
Hi Manhattan Let me look at you
Where's Times Square,
the Zoo, Park Avenue
You're so dirty, we
can't see you at all
Go to downtown Burbank
Hello sailors, are
you new in town
There's a million
things to do in town
But right now the town's
on strike till next fall
Awfully sorry
Uptown, downtown,
all around the city
Everything is a mess
East side west side
nothing very pretty
Pushes a bug in you
junkies are mugging you
Hello Broadway
you've been fakin' it
All new shows
are really makin' it
Soon you'll have to
tear the theater down
Goodbye Broadway
Hi Manhattan you're respectable
Nothing less than recommendable
Still Manhattan
you're a fabulous town
Let's get back to
the boat Shove off
(audience applauding)
- Give me an N, give
me an E, give me a W.
Give me a Y, give me
a O, give me a R and K.
- Now, let's see what
some typical New Yorkers
have to say about their city.
- People in New York have
learned to live side-by-side,
that's because it's so
crowded, they can't lie down.
- Our New York police are among
the highest paid in the world,
and that's not even
counting their salaries.
- Miracle on 34th
Street used to be movie,
now it's a parking place.
- I once asked a New
York cop for directions,
and he gave me a price list.
- Due to technical problems,
the New York
electrical power system
suffered a black out
which lasted two weeks.
As soon as the technicians
solved the problem,
they went out on a strike
that lasted six months.
- New York is the home
of Consolidated Edison,
which is a power
and light company,
which comes with
batteries not included.
- They say the people
in New York City
are cold and impersonal.
That's not true.
Why just the other
day a perfect stranger
came up to me and
threw his arms around me,
and then he knocked me down
to the ground and
stole my purse.
(audience laughing)
- Who is it?
- It's me.
- Me who?
- Me, your husband.
- Okay then, what's
the password?
- The bluebird is on the hill.
- Okay.
Now stand over by the peephole.
Turn around.
Okay, just a minute.
- Nice work dear, tomorrow
morning it's your turn
to go out in the
hall and get the milk.
(audience laughing)
- Visitors to New
York see a lot of sights
they've never seen before,
the Empire State Building,
the Statue of Liberty,
their car being towed away.
(audience laughing)
- Should we start
repaving the street sir?
- No.
Wait a while.
- But why?
- I'm trying to save some money.
If we leave them torn
up for 65 years or more,
the repaving will be
taken care of by Medicare.
(audience laughing)
That's the reason
you've got that hat.
Get off my desk.
- Barbara I see
where Mayor Lindsay
may give up being mayor of
New York to run for president.
- I hope he makes it.
He could use the rest.
- Yeah.
(audience laughing)
- I have been standing
here for an hour,
an hour trying to get a cab.
I'm gonna take the bus.
I mean you can never get
a cab when you want one.
(tires screeching)
- Wrong.
(audience laughing)
- The lights are
out all over the city.
What should we do?
- Well I guess until
the emergency is over,
we'll just have to dig up
the streets by candlelight.
(audience laughing)
- I'll say one thing about our
New York City subway system,
it's dependable.
- Yeah, you can always
depend on it to be late.
- The latest crime figures
were revealed today,
and they show that New York City
has one of the lowest crime
rates in the entire nation.
Experts state that this is
probably due to the fact
that organized crime
is virtually non-existent
in the nation's largest city.
(audience laughing)
- He's all right Rocco.
- There's a guy riding in an
elevator, and the door opens.
A naked woman gets in.
He says, gee my wife
has an outfit just like that.
(audience laughing)
- Why don't you go out
there and stop that fight?
- Because I'm not
getting involved, that why.
It's none of my business.
- You coward.
- Hey, watch who
you're pushing man.
- Hey, are you
trying to start trouble?
I'll give you
something to cry about.
(confused murmuring)
- Get out.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, why are we fighting?
- Hey, don't you think we
should do something about this?
- Naa, I don't want
to get involved.
- Oh, you coward.
- Listen, the Long Island
Railroad runs so slow
that they have a halfway mark
where the engineers
can get off to retire.
- I can't understand this
constant criticism of New York.
I live here, and I
make a good living.
Okay, hand it over will you?
(audience laughing)
- Sir, all the air
conditioners in the city
have been turned off,
all the factories are
running at half power,
and the subway service
has been reduced.
- Ah, good.
Now I can shave.
(audience laughing)
(razor buzzing)
- The Indians sold
Manhattan island cheap,
but they didn't want it anyway.
Do you know how
hard it is to hunt buffalo
when you can't
find a parking place?
(audience laughing)
- Hey rube.
- Huh.
- Come here.
- Yes sir.
- You look like a man who knows
a bargain when he sees one.
For a mere $100 you can
have either the Brooklyn Bridge,
or this 300 karat diamond ring.
- Just because I'm from
out of town I'm no fool.
I'll take the ring.
That bridge is a phony
if ever I seen one.
(audience laughing)
- Let go of my leg you animal.
I've never seen Truman
Capote act like that before.
(audience laughing)
(heaving breathing on phone)
Stop calling me you
degenerate weirdo.
Oh, I'm sorry about
the wait, but don't worry,
I'll bury you as soon as the
gravediggers strike is over.
- Hey, whoopee.
- What are you doing here?
- I just wanted to
meet my new neighbor.
(glass breaking)
For heavens sakes,
a rock through the...
Here, I'll get it.
Look, there's a note on it.
It says,
the welcome lady will
call on you next Tuesday.
- That's the last straw.
Muggings, obscene phone calls,
drunks invading my apartment,
rocks through windows,
I can't believe what's
happening in New York.
- You're right, it is remarkable
how things have improved.
(audience laughing)
New York City Ah to liberty
Somehow ain't the
place it used to be
Pushin'
Shovin'
Muggin'
Gettin' us down Goodbye Gotham
Bye Manhattan
you're a miserable town
Let's go back to
the boat Ship out
(audience applauding)
- Well, did you like the
mod world of New York?
- Well, I didn't see it.
I was out in the parking
lot looking for that old man.
- Oh, did you get
your money back?
- Hm hm hmm, sure
did, I just asked him for it
and he gave it to me.
- He gave it to you?
- Brand now $25 bill.
- You're right.
He gave it to you.
- My wife's got the greatest
birth control
device in the world.
She takes off her makeup.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Fanny.
- Yes.
- Where did you ever
get a name like Flagg?
- Well, Lily I'll
tell you the truth.
My husband's a pole.
- I offered to go over the
Vietnam to entertain the boys,
but they wouldn't let me.
They said they
discontinued all the bombing.
- My middle name, Nelson,
comes from of course,
Admiral Nelson, who
lost a leg at Trafalgar.
My last name, Reilly, comes
from a sailor who found it.
- I knew a guy who
wasn't really sure
he wanted to commit suicide,
so he threw himself
in front of a parked car.
(audience laughing)
- You know what, Al?
Now when it comes to
America, I am a real fanny waver.
- You mean a flag waver.
- Listen sweetheart, you
wave what you want to,
I'll wave what I want to.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Chuck,
does Dean Martin really drink
as much as he appears to?
- Oh heavens no Ruthie Boo.
You see, Dean only drinks
enough to sustain the image,
he's created on his show.
- What's that?
- Unfortunately the image
is that of a habitual alcoholic.
(audience laughing)
But keep it under your hat.
- Oh my darling, you
have such lovely hair.
I must run my
fingers through it.
- I'm glad that joke
was over my head.
- Hey Dot, what are you doing?
- Woowee, Miss Tau
you're in and out of this store.
- I know, listen
tell me something,
are them peaches fresh?
- Well, (crunch) mmmm,
taste fresh to me.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I'm dying.
- Yeah, well you don't need a
doctor, you need a mortician.
- But can't you help me?
- Certainly, I can.
Hello operator?
Get me a mortician.
And hold the mayo.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, I got good news.
Your physical report
shows you'll probably last
through most of your sentence.
Hang in there.
(audience laughing)
- You're drunk, you're
late, you never call.
And besides, you're
in the wrong house.
(audience laughing)
- Mayor John Lindsay,
what was the real
reason you switched
from Republican to Democrat?
- Once it was
established in my mind,
in all fairness to
everyone here concerned,
both parties were the same,
(audience laughing)
I felt it wasn't a very
long distance to fall,
(audience laughing)
to fall straight forward.
- Dick Gregory,
what would happen to Muskie
if he ran with a black man?
- Before I answer this
question as Dick Gregory,
I'd like to go on
a macrobiotic diet.
(audience laughing)
As you know in an
effort to stop the war,
which I think has
been successful,
I'd been on a diet, and several
people have been cooperating
by going like this.
I'd like you all to go like
that as much as you can,
by the way, when you pass
people, in your Volkswagens.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Here are some
more helpful hints
from the Gary Owens
consumer protective department.
Never eat anything left out
on the Hollywood Freeway,
for more than three days.
When burying someone who
has annoyed you, in concrete,
be certain to wash
your hands afterwards,
because it could
cause skin irritation.
(audience laughing)
Number three, never
attempt to pick your teeth
with a Roto-Rooter machine.
(audience laughing)
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Do you remember
riding on the train
We opened up in Boise
and the act was a smash
That's when the
boss Ran out of cash
- Woo.
I friend of mine loved animals
so much that it killed him.
- What, how did it happen?
- Well, he tried to kiss
an alligator on the lips.
- Do you thank that
after the '72 election,
we'll see a Democrat
in the White House?
- Yes, I think President Nixon
will keep John Connally on.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle is so
dumb, when he was 18,
he heard that the
Army won't draft you,
if you're in college.
- Well, what did he do?
- He enrolled in West Point.
(audience laughing)
- Did you know that the
Mexican border guards have a dog
who can sniff out marijuana?
- Really, is he any good?
- No, after the
first couple of cars
he just sets around
and stares in space.
(audience laughing)
- I went to the university
to hear the scientists
give a lecture about the study
on how and why people sleep.
- What did he say?
- I don't know, I feel asleep.
(audience laughing)
- My flower.
- Yes, my darling.
- Do you know, they're
trying to develop a car now,
that is absolutely smogless?
- Gee, I'd like to see that.
- Well, if they don't
do it pretty soon,
you won't be able to.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle was hated
by so many people,
that when he died, when he died,
he needed a body
guard at his funeral.
(audience laughing)
- My husband and I went
sight-seeing on our vacation.
- Where did you go?
- A nudist camp.
(audience laughing)
We bombed in Gary and Tucumcari
Do you remember
Vaudeville, that's right
Do you remember Vaudeville
(audience applauding)
- You know there
are certain times
when you've got to get
away from the bright lights,
the glitter, and the
glamour of show business.
And when I feel like
that, I come on Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dot.
- Howdy Mister
Beard, how are you?
- Good.
- Let's see now, let's see.
That's one beach
ball, that $1.15.
Well, my packer boy.
(audience laughing)
Now this ain't gonna
set too good with you,
but I'm gonna have to charge you
25 cents extra for packaging.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I can hardly walk.
- You're gonna have to
speak up, I can hardly hear.
(audience laughing)
(kazoos playing)
- Have you been fooling
around with another woman?
- Well, of course not.
She wouldn't let me.
(audience laughing)
- I'm having dinner last night,
my waiter's name
must have been Brutus.
I ordered a Caesar salad.
He brought me lettuce,
and stabbed me in the back.
(audience laughing)
- I'm just a kid,
and I've already heard
that joke three times,
and it still isn't funny.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
I always wanted to have
some pets around the house,
so I bought myself some fish.
But the sad thing is,
I had to take them
out of the bowl
after a couple of weeks though,
because the can got all rusty.
(audience laughing)
- The fire department has
a new piece of equipment
to put out flaming underwear,
it's called a pantie hose.
- The program, Rainy
Day Fun with Liz Taylor,
will not be seen tonight,
because we couldn't get NBC,
and/or Richard
Burton, to agree to it.
(audience laughing)
- According to the
Los Angeles Times,
17 month old Lee Gold, of
Middlesborough, England,
smokes a pipe every
morning with his father.
- And the little toddler
inhales the smoke
and blows it back
out through his nose.
- Isn't that something?
I wonder why a father would give
his 17 month old
son a pipe to smoke?
- Oh, probably trying
to keep him away
from cigarettes, I guess.
(audience laughing)
- Dick Martin is
really wonderful.
Did I do like you told
me, Mister Martin?
(audience laughing)
- One ringy ding...
A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party who
has answered my call?
The Central Intelligence Agency?
Good, this is Miss Tomlin
of the phone company.
Well of course I know
your phone was off the hook.
Isn't it amazing the way
we can still make it ring?
(audience laughing)
Now I know, of course I do,
I know that this is a
private, unlisted number,
that's changed twice a
day for security purposes.
It's the same technique
we use for our repair service.
Let me talk to the director.
Oh don't you lie to me.
I know he's not engaged
in any conference call
with the White House.
We have that line
monitored also.
(audience laughing)
Oh, very well, I will
leave a message.
Tell him that phone security
has never been better,
and that all the gang
down here at Ma Bell,
want to wish him luck
on his upcoming invasion
of mainland China.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
- Mister Humphrey,
if you had it to
do all over again,
what changes would you make?
- Well I think that uh,
I'd like to get out of Chicago.
(audience laughing)
I think the main thing is to
get the show out of Chicago
to where people can
see it and evaluate it.
And one of the
greatest thrills during,
as a matter of fact, the
American Independent party
has the right idea.
Governor Wallace's
party has no convention,
sort of immaculate conception.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, why do I have
chills up and down my spine?
- Well, that's very simple,
your spine goes up and down.
(muffled by audience laughing)
Unless it's to my place,
let my mother worry.
(audience laughing)
- Ha, where have you been?
- You wouldn't believe me.
I told you, you
wouldn't believe me.
(audience laughing)
- All right sweetheart,
this is a stickup.
Give me the money.
- Well, eat those (muffled).
- Never mind that,
give me the money.
- I don't think I have
too much in here.
- Just give me what you got.
- Well, here's a couple of tens.
- Thank you.
- That'll be $20,
and a dollar tax.
- There.
- Thanks.
You all come again.
- I don't think I can afford it.
- Bad (muffled).
(audience laughing)
- Yesterday I bought a book
on proper diet and nutrition.
- How was it?
- Delicious.
(audience laughing)
- I think one of the
interesting things
about the Laugh-In news,
is the fact that some
of the future news items,
that we had some,
like three years ago,
have started to turn out
to be more or less true.
Now, we don't intend to...
Excuse me.
- Yay, (speaking gibberish).
- Wait a minute, wait wait,
Wait, wait, wait.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Don't tell me, let
me guess, okay?
Now, you are either
a new policeman
at Fire Island, or
you're doing a new
show with Monte Hall
called Let's Make a Dummy.
(audience laughing)
- A peesh on your tosh, sire.
- Peesh on your tosh, sire.
- Would you scoff
at Laurence Olivier?
Would you laugh at John Gielgud?
Would you scratch my back?
This shirt is driving me crazy.
(audience laughing)
- Now, I had surmised
you're supposed to be Hamlet,
from that skull.
- What skull?
- That skull.
- Oh, there it is.
I thought I'd replaced it.
Misplaced it.
- Misplaced it.
- Well, whichever works.
Whichever comes first.
(audience laughing)
- Hamlet, my foot.
Alas, poor Yorick,
you knew him well.
- Son of a gun, is that Yorick?
- Yes.
- I hardly recognized him.
(audience laughing)
- May I ask you how you
got to do the part of Hamlet?
- Certainly.
- Well?
- Well, what?
- How did you get to do it?
- Do what?
- Do the part of Hamlet?
- Thank you, I'd love to.
(audience laughing)
As long as I'm dressed
for it, I shall do it.
This is where Hamlet is
wandering through the corridors.
- Corridors.
- Corridors, searching
for Ophelia's room.
- I understand.
- It is the motel scene.
(audience laughing)
- The motel scene?
- Yes, to be or not to
be, that is the question.
Or was it 3C or 4B?
I know, we took the elevator.
- Wait a minute.
You got it all wrong.
- Maybe it was another motel.
- Maybe you know
nothing about Shakespeare.
- Odds botkins.
And you've got one of the
oddest botkins I've ever seen.
(audience laughing)
I am a Shakespearean scholar.
- With those legs you
could be almost anything.
- Here, here.
- Where, where?
- The legs that made
Betty Grable famous.
- Yeah.
- Did you know that
Shakespeare, for instance,
got his start selling
his plays door to door?
- No, but if you hum the
first four bars I'll fake it.
- I remember that,
(audience laughing)
you, you jokester you.
- He didn't get his start
selling plays door to door.
- He did too, he'd
walk up and down,
go (ding dong)
Bard of Avon calling.
(audience laughing)
- I think on that note
we'll just forget Hamlet,
and go right to
the quickies, folks.
- Hark, hark, I hear
the cannons roar.
- I didn't hear anything.
(cannon blasting)
- What the heck was that?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Dan and Dick, if
you guys ever plead insanity,
I'll back you up.
(audience laughing)
- Nervous in your new job, son?
- No, no sir, no.
- Sure you can handle it?
- No problem sir.
- We're being attacked,
get help right away.
- Help, help!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, you want to hold it down?
Life of Willie Mays,
take two and hit to right.
(audience laughing)
- Old King Cole, was a
merry old soul brother.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Tarzan I just
don't feel like cooking.
Why don't we send
out for something?
- All right.
- Oh, good I just
don't have any energy.
Thatch the roof.
Comb my hair.
I just want a little service.
- There you go.
- Would you like
cream with your coffee?
- Why don't you mind
your own business?
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
- Would you like a little sugar?
(smacking)
How would you
like to kiss my ear?
- People who fall down
on this show are funny,
but why do they have to talk?
(audience laughing)
- I'm Black Bart and where
I walk, grass don't grow.
- Look, Black Bart, I
don't want any trouble.
- Well, you're
gonna see trouble.
You want to see
trouble, how's this?
Huh?
Maybe this'll do it.
Huh?
Well, what do you think of this?
(audience laughing)
Or how about this?
How can you just stand there
and see me do all
that to that girl of yours?
- Girl of mine?
I thought she was your girl.
(audience laughing)
- If A can saw a
log in two hours,
B can saw a log in one hour,
and C can saw a
log in half an hour,
why don't they let C do it?
(audience laughing)
- Are you ready for a
bit of a bubbly, my dear?
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hmm?
- I need a raise.
- Well, I'll pay you
what you're worth.
- Oh no, I'm making
more than that now.
- What?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, here's your
sponge cake, hon.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
- Aren't you gonna
clean up this water?
- Sure.
(audience laughing)
There you are, hon.
(audience laughing)
- How much will you give
me for one of these watches?
- Two to five years.
(audience laughing)
- You know what, doing
this show is about as exciting
as playing the female
lead in Boys in the Band.
- I never really set
out to be an actor,
but I couldn't get anywhere
trying to be an actress.
I was too tall.
(audience laughing)
- Well, tell me,
lisping thespian,
how did you like the quickies?
- Yea, verily I admired them.
- You did, didn't you?
- Yes, and I thought I'd close
with a famous
Shakespearean sonnet.
- Oh, that's very
good for us.
- Thank you.
- I thought the
Shakespeare sonnets
were some of the most
beautiful things he ever wrote,
certainly represents some
of literature's finest poetry.
- Thank you.
- Go right ahead.
- There once was a
hermit named Dave...
- Wait a minute.
- Give me a T-A-X.
Give me a T-A-X.
Give me a T, give me
a A, give me a X, X, X.
Give me give me give me
give me, give me a break.
(audience laughing)
- Life of Dean Martin, take one,
take another.
- Yes, Miss Elder.
- John Wayne, if you
were asked to play
the part of Sitting
Bull in a movie,
what would you say?
- Well besides the fact it
would be the first picture
in which the Indians
have triumphed,
(audience laughing)
I think John Wayne's pictures
are important nowadays.
They're the only
pictures in which there are
good guys and bad guys.
Most of the pictures
have a lot of homosexuals
in search of therapy.
(audience laughing)
I don't think homosexuals
are looking for a halfway house.
- Oh, bills, bills, bills.
I'm so far in debt,
I'll never get out.
I'd trade my soul for
a chance to get rid
of these money
problems, trade my soul.
(thunder)
- At your service.
- If you're the man from
Glad, we don't want any.
- What are you talking about?
I am the prince of darkness.
- Yeah, and I'm the
Queen of Sheba,
now get out of my living room.
- You really don't
know who I am, do you?
- Why don't you give me a clue?
- All right, very well.
All I have to do is appear,
and open my mouth,
and I cause pain and
suffering to millions of people.
- Are you Jim Nabors?
(audience laughing)
- Of course not, I'm the devil.
- The devil, you say.
- Look, I will grant
you any wish you want,
but in return, I want your soul.
- Any wish, huh?
Okay, try this, I wish you
will grant me anything I wish,
without taking my soul.
- I'll be damned.
- Better you than me.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I think
my back is broken.
- Well don't bother
me till you're sure.
(audience laughing)
- Go stand by the window
and put your tongue out.
- Why?
- I'm mad at the
guy across the road.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know you're drunk?
- Good, for a while, I
thought I'd forgot how to walk.
(audience laughing)
- Oh oh ohhhh.
- Where else has William
Morris booked you?
(audience laughing)
- How are you
today, Mister Neal?
- I'm just fine, thank you.
- Will that be it?
- That'll be it, thank you, yes.
- That's the king size
detergent, two dollars.
- Oh, I'll tell you what,
I've changed me mind,
I'll have the small one.
- Okay, small detergent.
(audience laughing)
I'll give you the larger piece.
(audience laughing)
- How much is that?
- Well let's see now,
a small detergent,
that'll be 3.98.
- That's a steal.
In that case, I'll take two.
- Now you're talking.
- Thank you.
- 3.98, that'll be 12
dollars and 30 cents.
(audience laughing)
- Alan, do you know
that I lost 20 pounds?
- You didn't lose it, you just
can't see it from your angle.
(audience laughing)
(playful music playing)
(audience laughing)
- Hi kids.
(kids screaming and cheering)
- Oh hi.
Oh Uncle Al really
needs a lot of medicine.
It's Uncle Al time,
the Kiddie's Pal time.
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
Okay, knock it off.
All right, okay kiddies today,
we're going to make a
chocolate milk shake.
(kids screaming)
Keep quiet Pamela,
you're really a bummer.
Okay, unfortunately Uncle
Al doesn't have the real things,
so we're going to
pretend with our fun kit.
(kids cheering)
Ah, you're gonna love it.
Okay, first you take a
big glass to mix it in, right?
And then you take some
fresh, wholesome milk.
G for Guernsey.
Just as long as
we don't have milk,
we're just gonna
pretend with this.
And now, we're gonna take
some Charlie Chocolate Sauce.
And now, lots of ice cream,
this is the fun part kids.
(kids cheering)
- [Kid From Audience]
Hey that's not ice cream.
And now we're gonna
take our malted milk stick,
and stir it, being very
careful not to bruise the milk.
(audience laughing)
Oh, that's a quick
energy pick-me-up.
Well kids, here's
looking at you.
Oh, Uncle Al's
ready to go sailing.
Where's Miss Tinkle?
Maybe you'd like to
go for Chinese food?
(kids booing)
Hey, knock it off.
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in, my darling.
Let me help you off
with your coat, my dear.
- Pardon me, could you
tell me the quickest way
to get to Saint
Patrick's Cathedral?
- Sure, try crossing 5th
Avenue against the light.
(audience laughing)
- My doctor told me
to stay off my feet.
I said, why?
He said, because when
I come for my money,
I don't want to chase
you all over town.
- If the Gay Lib political
party really works,
someday there's
gonna be a movie called,
The President's
Purse is Missing.
- They say that
there's a thin line
between comedy and
pathos, and that's true.
This show is so pathetic,
it's funny, it's sad.
(audience laughing)
- You know, they just
don't make tunnels of love
the way they used to.
- We've been going
together for 12 years.
- If any of my playmates
are waiting to see me,
forget it, because
I'm not on tonight.
- Missus Nixon,
if you ever joined the
women's liberation movement,
what would be
your first reaction?
- I'd like to stop the
jokes and bad taste,
such as the joke
during Tricia's wedding,
that Ralph Nader
recalled the cake,
or that when he
arrived at the wedding,
he was followed shortly
thereafter by J Edgar Hoover.
(muffled by audience laughing)
not good for family life.
I think taking the yellow
paint off that Missus Johnson
put in the upstairs was good.
That was a step in
the right direction.
And I can think of
several other things.
Oh one thing
I'd like to correct,
is that the family's
not from Whittier.
The family's from Yorba Linda.
We did go to
Whittier on Saturdays.
(audience laughing)
We ate at the Taco Bell.
(audience laughing)
Went to see a Disney picture,
and I think, worst
of all, enjoyed it.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I can't stop sneezing.
What should I do?
- Well, the first thing,
face away from me.
(audience laughing)
(sneezing)
Now Miss, what did you
say your problem was?
(audience laughing)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Can I say something
that isn't funny?
- Why should it be
any different tonight?
- If drugs turn
you on, remember,
drugs can also turn
you off, permanently.
- Hey, you're right,
that isn't funny.
And I like it.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Nighty night, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight Spiro.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Transcribe, goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Johnny.
- Yeah, Lily babe.
- What do you,
what do you get if you cross
John Wayne with Tiny Tim?
- You don't get anything,
but Tiny Tim gets a
punch in the mouth.
(audience laughing)
- May I ask you a
question, Daniel?
- [Dan] Yes.
- Who escaped from the dungeon,
by making deals with the guards?
- [Dan] I don't know.
- The Count of Monte Hall.
(audience laughing)
- Al baby.
- What is it John?
- Hey, what do you
do in your spare time?
- I like to read.
- What book are you reading now?
- I'm reading a book called
What to Do in Your Spare Time.
- There he is, hi Dan.
You know Las
Vegas is a funny town.
- [Dan] Is it?
- Yeah, in the show rooms,
you sit there watching
topless chorus girls,
and then you go
out into the casino
and you lose your shirt.
(audience laughing)
- I know a demolition expert
whose wife was expecting a baby,
and he went around
passing out exploding cigars.
(audience laughing)
- You think that's something,
a friend of mine just
had an awful experience.
He got amnesia, and he
forgot to tell his doctor about it.
(audience laughing)
- I just bought a compact
car that's so small,
the passenger seat is in
the glove compartment.
(audience laughing)
- Johnny?
- Yeah, Lil.
- Who wears a sexy nightgown,
covers herself with
intoxicating perfume,
and then spends the entire
evening watching television?
- I don't know, who?
- The sensuous dumbbell.
- Take the money.
(audience laughing)
- Now known as the
Count of Monte Hall.
- Yes.
- Of a little more
serious nature,
let's talk about late
night talk shows.
Which of the three,
Cavett, Griffin, or Carson,
do you think's the
most intellectual host?
- The most intellectual,
according to students,
it depends who you talk to,
you got to subdivide
this question, ABC,
is, Dick Cavett,
who was just
picked up for a year.
He's a friend of mine, felt
great anxiety during which,
the period in which he wondered
if ABC would pick him up.
And you could find him nightly,
pacing up and down
under his bed, wondering...
(muffled by audience laughing)
- This shoe was prerecorded.
Really really fine, fine shoe.
(audience laughing)
(kazoos playing Laugh-In theme)
(one person clapping)
beyond our control,
we now present, Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
(bird whistling)
- How'd you like to see
her in a tight sweater?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Henny sweetheart,
how many jokes have
you told in your career?
- I've told millions of jokes,
made hundreds of people laugh.
(audience laughing)
- Fanny Flagg, baby.
Hey listen, tell me something,
why is Dick Van Dyke's
show filmed in Arizona?
- Well, I'll tell you the truth,
I think the main reason,
is because that's
where we perform it.
(audience laughing)
- Charles Nelson Reilly.
- Oh, say it again to the seats.
- Oh, Charles Nelson Reilly.
- In color, prime time.
- Charles Nelson Reilly,
that is a long name.
- Oh, is it?
- What do they
call you for short?
- Chuck Nelson
Reilly, the Third.
- Say it again, prime time.
- [Both] Chuck Nelson
Reilly, the Third.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, someone will be up
to comb you out in a minute.
(audience laughing)
- Well say the secret
word, and you're a winner.
- What?
- That's close enough.
- Hey, haven't
you got any folks?
- Dad and Mama
are with the angels.
- Hey, what a coincidence.
I got a cousin with the Cubs.
(audience laughing)
(bride laughing)
- Oh, you're so sentimental.
Isn't this where we met?
(audience laughing)
- An adult might
laugh at that joke,
but we kids never would.
- Well that's 92
dollars and 44 cents.
You surely do have
a lot of groceries.
- All right.
- You want a box?
- Uh, yes.
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
- All right partner, this is it.
Now, dance.
- I thought you'd never ask.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you really can dip me.
- I must say that Laugh-In
is making rapid
strides in acceptability.
If it keeps up its pace,
I imagine that in no time,
Laugh-In will be almost
as tasteful as a loud burp.
- Jimmy Coco, baby.
You know, you and I
have a lot in common.
We're both a little overweight.
- Uh huh, and you're
Brown and I'm Coco.
(audience laughing)
I like that one.
- Me too.
- That one's all right.
- I like that one too.
(upbeat comic music)
(scratching)
(audience laughing)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Beauty Pageant and
Reclamation Center,
NBC, the nutty
but careful network,
cares enough to
give the very best,
but presents instead,
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, starring,
the stalwart Dan Rowan,
and the worry wart, Dick Martin,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma, Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier,
with cameo appearances
by James Coco,
Fanny Flagg,
Charles Nelson Reilly,
Mort Sahl, Mona Tara,
and Henny Youngman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with these questions
for expectant mothers,
who, what, where, when, and why?
- I don't care what happens,
I'm going to tell my boss
about Scoup mouthwash.
Mr. Wacker?
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, I can't wait.
Dick, tell me, what is this?
- Oh, thank you.
I wondered where
that had gone to.
- Oh, you lost it?
- Yeah, I thought I'd lost it.
This right here is the
key to my wine cellar.
- Your wine cellar?
What, you now in
the wine business?
- Am I in the wine business?
Does a polar bear
shiver in the snow?
- Yes.
- I wondered about that.
- You really know
a lot about wines?
- Does a goose go
barefoot on the beach?
- Yes.
- You know a lot about nature.
- Yeah, but can we get back,
let's talk about wine.
- I'd love to, you know
I'm in the wine business.
- That's what you said.
What's your most expensive wine?
- Oh, it runs about
a $1.40 a pound.
- A $1.40 a p..., you
buy wine by the pound?
- Well it's cheaper than
buyin' it by the bushel.
- Yeah, I suppose it is.
Listen, I happen to
be an expert on wines.
- Good, I will send
you over a bushel.
You know I've got a
lot of it standing around.
- Standing around?
What do you mean,
standing around?
Your wine has to be lying
down to keep the corks wet.
- What corks?
(audience laughing)
- The corks in the bottles.
- What bottles?
- What bottles?
If you don't put corks in
bottles, and have bottles,
what do you got your wine in?
- I told you, in the cellar.
- All right, in the cellar,
what do you keep your wine in?
- In baggies.
- Baggies?
- Sure, it's like
the old saying,
a loaf of bread, a
bag of wine, and thou.
(audience laughing)
(Dan mock laughing)
- How do you age your wine?
- Age my wine?
- Yeah, how do
you age your wine?
- I sneak down in the
cellar, and go, boo!
- Ah come on.
(audience laughing)
- Oh that ages 'em.
It makes them gray.
- Now come on, how
do you age your wine?
- Well I have a very
special process.
- What's that?
- I squeeze the wine
through argyle socks.
- Now what does
that do for wine?
- I don't know, but it does
wonders for my socks.
- I'll bet it does.
So this is like everything else,
you don't know anything
about wine-making.
I'll bet you don't even
know the difference
between a red and a white wine.
- Ho, ho, I laugh on
your mustache, ha.
I happen to know
the difference between
a red and a white wine.
- What's the difference?
- The color.
- Well I know that.
- The color is different.
- I mean some wines
go with different foods.
For instance,
meat, poultry, fish...
- Peanut butter.
- Peanut?
What do you, what kind of wine
do you serve with peanut butter?
- Oh any good brown wine'll do.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, I don't have time
for any more of this nonsense.
- Trouble is it sticks to
the roof of your cellar.
- I don't want to hear
about your brown wine,
or your cellar.
- On this date in history,
Anne Boleyn called King
Henry the 8th, a fat icky creep,
but still lost her
head over him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat jazzy rock music)
- Ronald Reagan recently
compared South Vietnam's
President Thieu, to
George Washington,
and there is a comparison.
One of them threw a
dollar across the Potomac,
and the other threw a
billion dollars down the drain.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, do you think the
women's liberation movement
should have started
with burning their bras?
- Definitely, I think it
could lead to bigger things.
(audience laughing)
- The police scandal
in New York is so bad,
I heard Mayor Lindsay
may have to institute
a wage-bribe freeze.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, you know the real
reason they put John Connally
in charge of phase two
of the economic plan,
simply because
if it doesn't work
they can always
blame it on a Democrat.
(audience laughing)
- I gave my wife a
fake fur, and I told her,
pretend it's real.
She said all right, tonight
when you go to bed,
pretend I'm with you.
(audience laughing)
- Inflation has gotten so bad,
that I had to save
up for three weeks,
just to go window shopping.
(audience laughing)
- I live in an
apartment building
that really has some swingers.
The girl down the hall
just flunked her
driving test yesterday,
as soon as the car stalled,
she jumped in the backseat.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, when President
Nixon nominates someone
to the Supreme Court,
there's one very important
thing he must consider,
who to nominate after that.
(audience laughing)
- Well, those
automobile repair places
are really something.
I went to one yesterday,
and my car was held
up for an hour and a half,
and I was held up for $60.
(audience laughing)
- You know, I know one
Senator who's been in his chair
every single day for
the past four years.
- Well that's dedication.
- No, that's old age.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- The Gophers
are now going to try
for a game-winning field goal.
The kick is up.
Is it long enough?
Is it long enough?
Is it long enough?
It's long enough.
- Moosie here,
kid news for kids.
I went to the dentist today,
and this side of my
face has Novacane in it,
and I can't feel a thing.
Then Butchy
and I got in a fight,
and I would have won the fight,
except for one thing,
Butchy hit me on
this side of my face.
(audience laughing)
- Give me a beer.
- Hey man, aren't you
gonna blow the head off?
- Oh yeah.
(gun firing)
- Dracula cautiously
entered. (squeaking)
His evil craving (squeaking)
driving him,
relentlessly (squeaking)
towards his victim. (squeaking)
even as one moveth, (squeaking)
in life towards
death, (squeaking)
in life towards
death. (squeaking)
Isn't that a
quotation (squeaking)
from the Bible?
Yes. (squeaking)
yes it is, look.
(audience laughing)
- Ole!
(audience laughing)
- [Audience] Ole!
- Look, one of the
problems I face as an artist,
is I could only paint
seascapes at low tide.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
- Hmmm?
- I had a very dear friend,
and he was operated
on by a tree surgeon.
- Well how'd it work out?
- Well it worked out just fine.
The only thing was, every winter
his ears turned
brown and fell off.
(audience laughing)
- What angers you
the most, Charles?
- Oh, people who
won't listen when I talk.
- Just fine thanks, how are you?
- Lovely.
- I think when I retire,
I'll teach physical education.
After all, I've become an
expert with body contact sports.
(audience laughing)
- And now here's
Zsa Zsa Gabor to sing,
I fell in love with you,
first time I looked
into that there wallet.
(audience laughing)
(screaming from
the movie screen)
- Oww!
Oh, oh.
Oh gee I'm terribly sorry.
Oh no.
- Hey, get your
hands off of my girl.
(Alan muffled)
Troublemaker, you back for more?
(punching)
(audience laughing)
- Look here, are
you a troublemaker?
I know what to do
with guys like you.
And stay out.
- I was just beginning
to enjoy the movie.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five years old.
And you know what?
My sister Mary Jean, came
home from the hospital,
where they took out her tonsils.
And she got a bunch of presents,
and she didn't
have to go to school,
and she got all the
ice cream she wanted.
And I thought that
was a good thing.
So I put my hand in my mouth
to try to pull my tonsils out.
(audience laughing)
And I threw up.
And all I got was sent to bed.
And that's the truth.
- You know something Gladys?
You remind me of a
South American country.
- Oh, because you find
me warm and sultry?
- No, because I find
you continually revolting.
- Huh, oh!
- Well, here we are in
our press conference set.
You notice right
away where we are.
We're in this set,
because tonight
we're doing
something very special.
This is going to
be, very honestly,
a free-wheeling,
ad lib, off the cuff,
sort of a press conference
question and answer session.
Our guest is one of our
country's most perceptive wits,
America's first
angry man, Mort Sahl.
- Hey, hey, hey.
(audience applauding)
- We have you lining up here.
- Like a used car dealer.
- Well, it's great to
have you here, Mort.
Now, you know, to make
this press conference
a little more difficult...
- Yes.
- You will be addressed as
a famous person, you see.
And you've gotta
answer the question
the way you think
they might answer.
How's that?
- You got that straight?
- I want to clear it
with your friend here.
You think I should do that?
- I think you
should give it a try.
- He isn't misleading me?
- President Richard Nixon,
would you please
explain phase three
of your economic game plan?
- Well,
Miss Elder I want to
make this perfectly clear,
as the first president accused
of having three phases.
(audience laughing)
- Mort Sahl, what do
you think will happen
if Ronald Reagan
becomes president?
- Well, uh, he's
had a tough time.
I'd be the last one to say,
he hasn't had a tough time.
I think it would be, if
he became president,
I'd think we could have
the wholesale destruction
of the University of California,
thereby beating
the students to it.
(audience laughing)
- If Hubert Humphrey had
been Nixon's vice president,
and Agnew had been Johnson's,
what difference
would it have made?
- Not a great deal.
This is what American
Motors refers to
in the assembly of cars,
as interchangeable parts.
(audience laughing)
Although, I feel, maybe
we shouldn't have raised it
to the level of General Motors.
I feel that most
vice presidential,
I'm saying they could have
been produced by Mattel.
(audience laughing)
- What do you think the
Democrats need most
to win the 1972 election?
- Well I think they should start
with a constituency and build.
(audience laughing)
- Tonight we're
going to take a look
at the mod world of New York.
- Guess what's gonna
happen to me when I drink this.
- Well, if it's from
the Hudson River
you're gonna probably
scream, jump up and down,
and then pass out.
- Piffle and flapdoodle.
- Oh yeah.
- I have just acquired this
secret fountain of youth elixir.
- Now I'm ashamed of you.
That's the oldest
trick in the world.
- No, the oldest trick in the
world is Abigail Boom Boom.
- All right.
(audience laughing)
Now where did
you get this stuff?
- Well, from a 250 year old man
right out in the parking lot.
- How do you know
he was 250 years old?
- Well, I checked
his drivers license.
Born in 1721.
- They didn't have
cars in 1721 dummy.
- Well don't call me dummy,
he was the one with the license.
- How much did it cost you?
- Nothing, he gave it to me.
- No fooling?
He gave it to you?
- All I had to do was put
a deposit on the bottle.
- Ah ha, and how much was that?
- 25 dollars.
- He gave it to you all right.
Give me that.
You know what that is?
That's furniture polish.
- Furniture polish?
That's amazing.
- You call spending 25 bucks
for a bottle of furniture
polish amazing?
- No, what's amazing is,
how furniture polish could
keep a guy alive for 250 years.
(audience laughing)
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- [All] City.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- [All] City.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- [All] City.
You are a fabulous town.
Hi Manhattan Let me look at you
Where's Times Square,
the Zoo, Park Avenue
You're so dirty, we
can't see you at all
Go to downtown Burbank
Hello sailors, are
you new in town
There's a million
things to do in town
But right now the town's
on strike till next fall
Awfully sorry
Uptown, downtown,
all around the city
Everything is a mess
East side west side
nothing very pretty
Pushes a bug in you
junkies are mugging you
Hello Broadway
you've been fakin' it
All new shows
are really makin' it
Soon you'll have to
tear the theater down
Goodbye Broadway
Hi Manhattan you're respectable
Nothing less than recommendable
Still Manhattan
you're a fabulous town
Let's get back to
the boat Shove off
(audience applauding)
- Give me an N, give
me an E, give me a W.
Give me a Y, give me
a O, give me a R and K.
- Now, let's see what
some typical New Yorkers
have to say about their city.
- People in New York have
learned to live side-by-side,
that's because it's so
crowded, they can't lie down.
- Our New York police are among
the highest paid in the world,
and that's not even
counting their salaries.
- Miracle on 34th
Street used to be movie,
now it's a parking place.
- I once asked a New
York cop for directions,
and he gave me a price list.
- Due to technical problems,
the New York
electrical power system
suffered a black out
which lasted two weeks.
As soon as the technicians
solved the problem,
they went out on a strike
that lasted six months.
- New York is the home
of Consolidated Edison,
which is a power
and light company,
which comes with
batteries not included.
- They say the people
in New York City
are cold and impersonal.
That's not true.
Why just the other
day a perfect stranger
came up to me and
threw his arms around me,
and then he knocked me down
to the ground and
stole my purse.
(audience laughing)
- Who is it?
- It's me.
- Me who?
- Me, your husband.
- Okay then, what's
the password?
- The bluebird is on the hill.
- Okay.
Now stand over by the peephole.
Turn around.
Okay, just a minute.
- Nice work dear, tomorrow
morning it's your turn
to go out in the
hall and get the milk.
(audience laughing)
- Visitors to New
York see a lot of sights
they've never seen before,
the Empire State Building,
the Statue of Liberty,
their car being towed away.
(audience laughing)
- Should we start
repaving the street sir?
- No.
Wait a while.
- But why?
- I'm trying to save some money.
If we leave them torn
up for 65 years or more,
the repaving will be
taken care of by Medicare.
(audience laughing)
That's the reason
you've got that hat.
Get off my desk.
- Barbara I see
where Mayor Lindsay
may give up being mayor of
New York to run for president.
- I hope he makes it.
He could use the rest.
- Yeah.
(audience laughing)
- I have been standing
here for an hour,
an hour trying to get a cab.
I'm gonna take the bus.
I mean you can never get
a cab when you want one.
(tires screeching)
- Wrong.
(audience laughing)
- The lights are
out all over the city.
What should we do?
- Well I guess until
the emergency is over,
we'll just have to dig up
the streets by candlelight.
(audience laughing)
- I'll say one thing about our
New York City subway system,
it's dependable.
- Yeah, you can always
depend on it to be late.
- The latest crime figures
were revealed today,
and they show that New York City
has one of the lowest crime
rates in the entire nation.
Experts state that this is
probably due to the fact
that organized crime
is virtually non-existent
in the nation's largest city.
(audience laughing)
- He's all right Rocco.
- There's a guy riding in an
elevator, and the door opens.
A naked woman gets in.
He says, gee my wife
has an outfit just like that.
(audience laughing)
- Why don't you go out
there and stop that fight?
- Because I'm not
getting involved, that why.
It's none of my business.
- You coward.
- Hey, watch who
you're pushing man.
- Hey, are you
trying to start trouble?
I'll give you
something to cry about.
(confused murmuring)
- Get out.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, why are we fighting?
- Hey, don't you think we
should do something about this?
- Naa, I don't want
to get involved.
- Oh, you coward.
- Listen, the Long Island
Railroad runs so slow
that they have a halfway mark
where the engineers
can get off to retire.
- I can't understand this
constant criticism of New York.
I live here, and I
make a good living.
Okay, hand it over will you?
(audience laughing)
- Sir, all the air
conditioners in the city
have been turned off,
all the factories are
running at half power,
and the subway service
has been reduced.
- Ah, good.
Now I can shave.
(audience laughing)
(razor buzzing)
- The Indians sold
Manhattan island cheap,
but they didn't want it anyway.
Do you know how
hard it is to hunt buffalo
when you can't
find a parking place?
(audience laughing)
- Hey rube.
- Huh.
- Come here.
- Yes sir.
- You look like a man who knows
a bargain when he sees one.
For a mere $100 you can
have either the Brooklyn Bridge,
or this 300 karat diamond ring.
- Just because I'm from
out of town I'm no fool.
I'll take the ring.
That bridge is a phony
if ever I seen one.
(audience laughing)
- Let go of my leg you animal.
I've never seen Truman
Capote act like that before.
(audience laughing)
(heaving breathing on phone)
Stop calling me you
degenerate weirdo.
Oh, I'm sorry about
the wait, but don't worry,
I'll bury you as soon as the
gravediggers strike is over.
- Hey, whoopee.
- What are you doing here?
- I just wanted to
meet my new neighbor.
(glass breaking)
For heavens sakes,
a rock through the...
Here, I'll get it.
Look, there's a note on it.
It says,
the welcome lady will
call on you next Tuesday.
- That's the last straw.
Muggings, obscene phone calls,
drunks invading my apartment,
rocks through windows,
I can't believe what's
happening in New York.
- You're right, it is remarkable
how things have improved.
(audience laughing)
New York City Ah to liberty
Somehow ain't the
place it used to be
Pushin'
Shovin'
Muggin'
Gettin' us down Goodbye Gotham
Bye Manhattan
you're a miserable town
Let's go back to
the boat Ship out
(audience applauding)
- Well, did you like the
mod world of New York?
- Well, I didn't see it.
I was out in the parking
lot looking for that old man.
- Oh, did you get
your money back?
- Hm hm hmm, sure
did, I just asked him for it
and he gave it to me.
- He gave it to you?
- Brand now $25 bill.
- You're right.
He gave it to you.
- My wife's got the greatest
birth control
device in the world.
She takes off her makeup.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Fanny.
- Yes.
- Where did you ever
get a name like Flagg?
- Well, Lily I'll
tell you the truth.
My husband's a pole.
- I offered to go over the
Vietnam to entertain the boys,
but they wouldn't let me.
They said they
discontinued all the bombing.
- My middle name, Nelson,
comes from of course,
Admiral Nelson, who
lost a leg at Trafalgar.
My last name, Reilly, comes
from a sailor who found it.
- I knew a guy who
wasn't really sure
he wanted to commit suicide,
so he threw himself
in front of a parked car.
(audience laughing)
- You know what, Al?
Now when it comes to
America, I am a real fanny waver.
- You mean a flag waver.
- Listen sweetheart, you
wave what you want to,
I'll wave what I want to.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Chuck,
does Dean Martin really drink
as much as he appears to?
- Oh heavens no Ruthie Boo.
You see, Dean only drinks
enough to sustain the image,
he's created on his show.
- What's that?
- Unfortunately the image
is that of a habitual alcoholic.
(audience laughing)
But keep it under your hat.
- Oh my darling, you
have such lovely hair.
I must run my
fingers through it.
- I'm glad that joke
was over my head.
- Hey Dot, what are you doing?
- Woowee, Miss Tau
you're in and out of this store.
- I know, listen
tell me something,
are them peaches fresh?
- Well, (crunch) mmmm,
taste fresh to me.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I'm dying.
- Yeah, well you don't need a
doctor, you need a mortician.
- But can't you help me?
- Certainly, I can.
Hello operator?
Get me a mortician.
And hold the mayo.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, I got good news.
Your physical report
shows you'll probably last
through most of your sentence.
Hang in there.
(audience laughing)
- You're drunk, you're
late, you never call.
And besides, you're
in the wrong house.
(audience laughing)
- Mayor John Lindsay,
what was the real
reason you switched
from Republican to Democrat?
- Once it was
established in my mind,
in all fairness to
everyone here concerned,
both parties were the same,
(audience laughing)
I felt it wasn't a very
long distance to fall,
(audience laughing)
to fall straight forward.
- Dick Gregory,
what would happen to Muskie
if he ran with a black man?
- Before I answer this
question as Dick Gregory,
I'd like to go on
a macrobiotic diet.
(audience laughing)
As you know in an
effort to stop the war,
which I think has
been successful,
I'd been on a diet, and several
people have been cooperating
by going like this.
I'd like you all to go like
that as much as you can,
by the way, when you pass
people, in your Volkswagens.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Here are some
more helpful hints
from the Gary Owens
consumer protective department.
Never eat anything left out
on the Hollywood Freeway,
for more than three days.
When burying someone who
has annoyed you, in concrete,
be certain to wash
your hands afterwards,
because it could
cause skin irritation.
(audience laughing)
Number three, never
attempt to pick your teeth
with a Roto-Rooter machine.
(audience laughing)
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Do you remember
riding on the train
We opened up in Boise
and the act was a smash
That's when the
boss Ran out of cash
- Woo.
I friend of mine loved animals
so much that it killed him.
- What, how did it happen?
- Well, he tried to kiss
an alligator on the lips.
- Do you thank that
after the '72 election,
we'll see a Democrat
in the White House?
- Yes, I think President Nixon
will keep John Connally on.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle is so
dumb, when he was 18,
he heard that the
Army won't draft you,
if you're in college.
- Well, what did he do?
- He enrolled in West Point.
(audience laughing)
- Did you know that the
Mexican border guards have a dog
who can sniff out marijuana?
- Really, is he any good?
- No, after the
first couple of cars
he just sets around
and stares in space.
(audience laughing)
- I went to the university
to hear the scientists
give a lecture about the study
on how and why people sleep.
- What did he say?
- I don't know, I feel asleep.
(audience laughing)
- My flower.
- Yes, my darling.
- Do you know, they're
trying to develop a car now,
that is absolutely smogless?
- Gee, I'd like to see that.
- Well, if they don't
do it pretty soon,
you won't be able to.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle was hated
by so many people,
that when he died, when he died,
he needed a body
guard at his funeral.
(audience laughing)
- My husband and I went
sight-seeing on our vacation.
- Where did you go?
- A nudist camp.
(audience laughing)
We bombed in Gary and Tucumcari
Do you remember
Vaudeville, that's right
Do you remember Vaudeville
(audience applauding)
- You know there
are certain times
when you've got to get
away from the bright lights,
the glitter, and the
glamour of show business.
And when I feel like
that, I come on Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dot.
- Howdy Mister
Beard, how are you?
- Good.
- Let's see now, let's see.
That's one beach
ball, that $1.15.
Well, my packer boy.
(audience laughing)
Now this ain't gonna
set too good with you,
but I'm gonna have to charge you
25 cents extra for packaging.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I can hardly walk.
- You're gonna have to
speak up, I can hardly hear.
(audience laughing)
(kazoos playing)
- Have you been fooling
around with another woman?
- Well, of course not.
She wouldn't let me.
(audience laughing)
- I'm having dinner last night,
my waiter's name
must have been Brutus.
I ordered a Caesar salad.
He brought me lettuce,
and stabbed me in the back.
(audience laughing)
- I'm just a kid,
and I've already heard
that joke three times,
and it still isn't funny.
(audience laughing)
- You know what?
I always wanted to have
some pets around the house,
so I bought myself some fish.
But the sad thing is,
I had to take them
out of the bowl
after a couple of weeks though,
because the can got all rusty.
(audience laughing)
- The fire department has
a new piece of equipment
to put out flaming underwear,
it's called a pantie hose.
- The program, Rainy
Day Fun with Liz Taylor,
will not be seen tonight,
because we couldn't get NBC,
and/or Richard
Burton, to agree to it.
(audience laughing)
- According to the
Los Angeles Times,
17 month old Lee Gold, of
Middlesborough, England,
smokes a pipe every
morning with his father.
- And the little toddler
inhales the smoke
and blows it back
out through his nose.
- Isn't that something?
I wonder why a father would give
his 17 month old
son a pipe to smoke?
- Oh, probably trying
to keep him away
from cigarettes, I guess.
(audience laughing)
- Dick Martin is
really wonderful.
Did I do like you told
me, Mister Martin?
(audience laughing)
- One ringy ding...
A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party who
has answered my call?
The Central Intelligence Agency?
Good, this is Miss Tomlin
of the phone company.
Well of course I know
your phone was off the hook.
Isn't it amazing the way
we can still make it ring?
(audience laughing)
Now I know, of course I do,
I know that this is a
private, unlisted number,
that's changed twice a
day for security purposes.
It's the same technique
we use for our repair service.
Let me talk to the director.
Oh don't you lie to me.
I know he's not engaged
in any conference call
with the White House.
We have that line
monitored also.
(audience laughing)
Oh, very well, I will
leave a message.
Tell him that phone security
has never been better,
and that all the gang
down here at Ma Bell,
want to wish him luck
on his upcoming invasion
of mainland China.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
- Mister Humphrey,
if you had it to
do all over again,
what changes would you make?
- Well I think that uh,
I'd like to get out of Chicago.
(audience laughing)
I think the main thing is to
get the show out of Chicago
to where people can
see it and evaluate it.
And one of the
greatest thrills during,
as a matter of fact, the
American Independent party
has the right idea.
Governor Wallace's
party has no convention,
sort of immaculate conception.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, why do I have
chills up and down my spine?
- Well, that's very simple,
your spine goes up and down.
(muffled by audience laughing)
Unless it's to my place,
let my mother worry.
(audience laughing)
- Ha, where have you been?
- You wouldn't believe me.
I told you, you
wouldn't believe me.
(audience laughing)
- All right sweetheart,
this is a stickup.
Give me the money.
- Well, eat those (muffled).
- Never mind that,
give me the money.
- I don't think I have
too much in here.
- Just give me what you got.
- Well, here's a couple of tens.
- Thank you.
- That'll be $20,
and a dollar tax.
- There.
- Thanks.
You all come again.
- I don't think I can afford it.
- Bad (muffled).
(audience laughing)
- Yesterday I bought a book
on proper diet and nutrition.
- How was it?
- Delicious.
(audience laughing)
- I think one of the
interesting things
about the Laugh-In news,
is the fact that some
of the future news items,
that we had some,
like three years ago,
have started to turn out
to be more or less true.
Now, we don't intend to...
Excuse me.
- Yay, (speaking gibberish).
- Wait a minute, wait wait,
Wait, wait, wait.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Don't tell me, let
me guess, okay?
Now, you are either
a new policeman
at Fire Island, or
you're doing a new
show with Monte Hall
called Let's Make a Dummy.
(audience laughing)
- A peesh on your tosh, sire.
- Peesh on your tosh, sire.
- Would you scoff
at Laurence Olivier?
Would you laugh at John Gielgud?
Would you scratch my back?
This shirt is driving me crazy.
(audience laughing)
- Now, I had surmised
you're supposed to be Hamlet,
from that skull.
- What skull?
- That skull.
- Oh, there it is.
I thought I'd replaced it.
Misplaced it.
- Misplaced it.
- Well, whichever works.
Whichever comes first.
(audience laughing)
- Hamlet, my foot.
Alas, poor Yorick,
you knew him well.
- Son of a gun, is that Yorick?
- Yes.
- I hardly recognized him.
(audience laughing)
- May I ask you how you
got to do the part of Hamlet?
- Certainly.
- Well?
- Well, what?
- How did you get to do it?
- Do what?
- Do the part of Hamlet?
- Thank you, I'd love to.
(audience laughing)
As long as I'm dressed
for it, I shall do it.
This is where Hamlet is
wandering through the corridors.
- Corridors.
- Corridors, searching
for Ophelia's room.
- I understand.
- It is the motel scene.
(audience laughing)
- The motel scene?
- Yes, to be or not to
be, that is the question.
Or was it 3C or 4B?
I know, we took the elevator.
- Wait a minute.
You got it all wrong.
- Maybe it was another motel.
- Maybe you know
nothing about Shakespeare.
- Odds botkins.
And you've got one of the
oddest botkins I've ever seen.
(audience laughing)
I am a Shakespearean scholar.
- With those legs you
could be almost anything.
- Here, here.
- Where, where?
- The legs that made
Betty Grable famous.
- Yeah.
- Did you know that
Shakespeare, for instance,
got his start selling
his plays door to door?
- No, but if you hum the
first four bars I'll fake it.
- I remember that,
(audience laughing)
you, you jokester you.
- He didn't get his start
selling plays door to door.
- He did too, he'd
walk up and down,
go (ding dong)
Bard of Avon calling.
(audience laughing)
- I think on that note
we'll just forget Hamlet,
and go right to
the quickies, folks.
- Hark, hark, I hear
the cannons roar.
- I didn't hear anything.
(cannon blasting)
- What the heck was that?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Dan and Dick, if
you guys ever plead insanity,
I'll back you up.
(audience laughing)
- Nervous in your new job, son?
- No, no sir, no.
- Sure you can handle it?
- No problem sir.
- We're being attacked,
get help right away.
- Help, help!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, you want to hold it down?
Life of Willie Mays,
take two and hit to right.
(audience laughing)
- Old King Cole, was a
merry old soul brother.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Tarzan I just
don't feel like cooking.
Why don't we send
out for something?
- All right.
- Oh, good I just
don't have any energy.
Thatch the roof.
Comb my hair.
I just want a little service.
- There you go.
- Would you like
cream with your coffee?
- Why don't you mind
your own business?
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
- Would you like a little sugar?
(smacking)
How would you
like to kiss my ear?
- People who fall down
on this show are funny,
but why do they have to talk?
(audience laughing)
- I'm Black Bart and where
I walk, grass don't grow.
- Look, Black Bart, I
don't want any trouble.
- Well, you're
gonna see trouble.
You want to see
trouble, how's this?
Huh?
Maybe this'll do it.
Huh?
Well, what do you think of this?
(audience laughing)
Or how about this?
How can you just stand there
and see me do all
that to that girl of yours?
- Girl of mine?
I thought she was your girl.
(audience laughing)
- If A can saw a
log in two hours,
B can saw a log in one hour,
and C can saw a
log in half an hour,
why don't they let C do it?
(audience laughing)
- Are you ready for a
bit of a bubbly, my dear?
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hmm?
- I need a raise.
- Well, I'll pay you
what you're worth.
- Oh no, I'm making
more than that now.
- What?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, here's your
sponge cake, hon.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
- Aren't you gonna
clean up this water?
- Sure.
(audience laughing)
There you are, hon.
(audience laughing)
- How much will you give
me for one of these watches?
- Two to five years.
(audience laughing)
- You know what, doing
this show is about as exciting
as playing the female
lead in Boys in the Band.
- I never really set
out to be an actor,
but I couldn't get anywhere
trying to be an actress.
I was too tall.
(audience laughing)
- Well, tell me,
lisping thespian,
how did you like the quickies?
- Yea, verily I admired them.
- You did, didn't you?
- Yes, and I thought I'd close
with a famous
Shakespearean sonnet.
- Oh, that's very
good for us.
- Thank you.
- I thought the
Shakespeare sonnets
were some of the most
beautiful things he ever wrote,
certainly represents some
of literature's finest poetry.
- Thank you.
- Go right ahead.
- There once was a
hermit named Dave...
- Wait a minute.
- Give me a T-A-X.
Give me a T-A-X.
Give me a T, give me
a A, give me a X, X, X.
Give me give me give me
give me, give me a break.
(audience laughing)
- Life of Dean Martin, take one,
take another.
- Yes, Miss Elder.
- John Wayne, if you
were asked to play
the part of Sitting
Bull in a movie,
what would you say?
- Well besides the fact it
would be the first picture
in which the Indians
have triumphed,
(audience laughing)
I think John Wayne's pictures
are important nowadays.
They're the only
pictures in which there are
good guys and bad guys.
Most of the pictures
have a lot of homosexuals
in search of therapy.
(audience laughing)
I don't think homosexuals
are looking for a halfway house.
- Oh, bills, bills, bills.
I'm so far in debt,
I'll never get out.
I'd trade my soul for
a chance to get rid
of these money
problems, trade my soul.
(thunder)
- At your service.
- If you're the man from
Glad, we don't want any.
- What are you talking about?
I am the prince of darkness.
- Yeah, and I'm the
Queen of Sheba,
now get out of my living room.
- You really don't
know who I am, do you?
- Why don't you give me a clue?
- All right, very well.
All I have to do is appear,
and open my mouth,
and I cause pain and
suffering to millions of people.
- Are you Jim Nabors?
(audience laughing)
- Of course not, I'm the devil.
- The devil, you say.
- Look, I will grant
you any wish you want,
but in return, I want your soul.
- Any wish, huh?
Okay, try this, I wish you
will grant me anything I wish,
without taking my soul.
- I'll be damned.
- Better you than me.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I think
my back is broken.
- Well don't bother
me till you're sure.
(audience laughing)
- Go stand by the window
and put your tongue out.
- Why?
- I'm mad at the
guy across the road.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know you're drunk?
- Good, for a while, I
thought I'd forgot how to walk.
(audience laughing)
- Oh oh ohhhh.
- Where else has William
Morris booked you?
(audience laughing)
- How are you
today, Mister Neal?
- I'm just fine, thank you.
- Will that be it?
- That'll be it, thank you, yes.
- That's the king size
detergent, two dollars.
- Oh, I'll tell you what,
I've changed me mind,
I'll have the small one.
- Okay, small detergent.
(audience laughing)
I'll give you the larger piece.
(audience laughing)
- How much is that?
- Well let's see now,
a small detergent,
that'll be 3.98.
- That's a steal.
In that case, I'll take two.
- Now you're talking.
- Thank you.
- 3.98, that'll be 12
dollars and 30 cents.
(audience laughing)
- Alan, do you know
that I lost 20 pounds?
- You didn't lose it, you just
can't see it from your angle.
(audience laughing)
(playful music playing)
(audience laughing)
- Hi kids.
(kids screaming and cheering)
- Oh hi.
Oh Uncle Al really
needs a lot of medicine.
It's Uncle Al time,
the Kiddie's Pal time.
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
Okay, knock it off.
All right, okay kiddies today,
we're going to make a
chocolate milk shake.
(kids screaming)
Keep quiet Pamela,
you're really a bummer.
Okay, unfortunately Uncle
Al doesn't have the real things,
so we're going to
pretend with our fun kit.
(kids cheering)
Ah, you're gonna love it.
Okay, first you take a
big glass to mix it in, right?
And then you take some
fresh, wholesome milk.
G for Guernsey.
Just as long as
we don't have milk,
we're just gonna
pretend with this.
And now, we're gonna take
some Charlie Chocolate Sauce.
And now, lots of ice cream,
this is the fun part kids.
(kids cheering)
- [Kid From Audience]
Hey that's not ice cream.
And now we're gonna
take our malted milk stick,
and stir it, being very
careful not to bruise the milk.
(audience laughing)
Oh, that's a quick
energy pick-me-up.
Well kids, here's
looking at you.
Oh, Uncle Al's
ready to go sailing.
Where's Miss Tinkle?
Maybe you'd like to
go for Chinese food?
(kids booing)
Hey, knock it off.
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in, my darling.
Let me help you off
with your coat, my dear.
- Pardon me, could you
tell me the quickest way
to get to Saint
Patrick's Cathedral?
- Sure, try crossing 5th
Avenue against the light.
(audience laughing)
- My doctor told me
to stay off my feet.
I said, why?
He said, because when
I come for my money,
I don't want to chase
you all over town.
- If the Gay Lib political
party really works,
someday there's
gonna be a movie called,
The President's
Purse is Missing.
- They say that
there's a thin line
between comedy and
pathos, and that's true.
This show is so pathetic,
it's funny, it's sad.
(audience laughing)
- You know, they just
don't make tunnels of love
the way they used to.
- We've been going
together for 12 years.
- If any of my playmates
are waiting to see me,
forget it, because
I'm not on tonight.
- Missus Nixon,
if you ever joined the
women's liberation movement,
what would be
your first reaction?
- I'd like to stop the
jokes and bad taste,
such as the joke
during Tricia's wedding,
that Ralph Nader
recalled the cake,
or that when he
arrived at the wedding,
he was followed shortly
thereafter by J Edgar Hoover.
(muffled by audience laughing)
not good for family life.
I think taking the yellow
paint off that Missus Johnson
put in the upstairs was good.
That was a step in
the right direction.
And I can think of
several other things.
Oh one thing
I'd like to correct,
is that the family's
not from Whittier.
The family's from Yorba Linda.
We did go to
Whittier on Saturdays.
(audience laughing)
We ate at the Taco Bell.
(audience laughing)
Went to see a Disney picture,
and I think, worst
of all, enjoyed it.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I can't stop sneezing.
What should I do?
- Well, the first thing,
face away from me.
(audience laughing)
(sneezing)
Now Miss, what did you
say your problem was?
(audience laughing)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Can I say something
that isn't funny?
- Why should it be
any different tonight?
- If drugs turn
you on, remember,
drugs can also turn
you off, permanently.
- Hey, you're right,
that isn't funny.
And I like it.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Nighty night, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight Spiro.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Transcribe, goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Johnny.
- Yeah, Lily babe.
- What do you,
what do you get if you cross
John Wayne with Tiny Tim?
- You don't get anything,
but Tiny Tim gets a
punch in the mouth.
(audience laughing)
- May I ask you a
question, Daniel?
- [Dan] Yes.
- Who escaped from the dungeon,
by making deals with the guards?
- [Dan] I don't know.
- The Count of Monte Hall.
(audience laughing)
- Al baby.
- What is it John?
- Hey, what do you
do in your spare time?
- I like to read.
- What book are you reading now?
- I'm reading a book called
What to Do in Your Spare Time.
- There he is, hi Dan.
You know Las
Vegas is a funny town.
- [Dan] Is it?
- Yeah, in the show rooms,
you sit there watching
topless chorus girls,
and then you go
out into the casino
and you lose your shirt.
(audience laughing)
- I know a demolition expert
whose wife was expecting a baby,
and he went around
passing out exploding cigars.
(audience laughing)
- You think that's something,
a friend of mine just
had an awful experience.
He got amnesia, and he
forgot to tell his doctor about it.
(audience laughing)
- I just bought a compact
car that's so small,
the passenger seat is in
the glove compartment.
(audience laughing)
- Johnny?
- Yeah, Lil.
- Who wears a sexy nightgown,
covers herself with
intoxicating perfume,
and then spends the entire
evening watching television?
- I don't know, who?
- The sensuous dumbbell.
- Take the money.
(audience laughing)
- Now known as the
Count of Monte Hall.
- Yes.
- Of a little more
serious nature,
let's talk about late
night talk shows.
Which of the three,
Cavett, Griffin, or Carson,
do you think's the
most intellectual host?
- The most intellectual,
according to students,
it depends who you talk to,
you got to subdivide
this question, ABC,
is, Dick Cavett,
who was just
picked up for a year.
He's a friend of mine, felt
great anxiety during which,
the period in which he wondered
if ABC would pick him up.
And you could find him nightly,
pacing up and down
under his bed, wondering...
(muffled by audience laughing)
- This shoe was prerecorded.
Really really fine, fine shoe.
(audience laughing)
(kazoos playing Laugh-In theme)
(one person clapping)