Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 14 - Episode #5.14 - full transcript
- Ladies and gentlemen
we're very proud
to have on our show this
evening a truly funny man.
- And a wonderful guy.
- Yep, let's give a warm welcome
please to Mr Buddy Hackett.
(audience applause)
- Thank you, thank
you, hi Dick, hi Dan.
I can't tell you what a kick
it is to be on your show.
- Buddy, you mind my asking
what are you supposed to be?
- What am I supposed to be?
What does it look like?
- It looks like
you're either a gorilla
or somebody sold
you a lousy tuxedo.
- Hi gang who's your friend?
- We thought it was you.
- Me?
- Yeah, he said it was you.
- He did?
- Yeah.
- What are you crazy,
I work a lifetime making
a name for myself
and some big ape
like this comes along
and claims he's Buddy Hackett?
- Buddy Hackett?
I thought you said
Buddy Hackman.
(audience laughs)
- Gotta say one thing for him.
- What's that?
- He's got a great
looking tuxedo.
(audience laughs)
- The success of
All in the Family
has proven what George
Wallace has known for years,
bigotry and prejudice
can be profitable.
- Mr LaLanne you know I have
very wide hips and I don't
know what to do about it.
- I have and exercise
that I absolutely guarantee
will get rid of those
hips, it's done like this.
Now you try it.
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
- Oh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh
no, I'll get it this time, okay?
- I'll tell you what I'll
do, I'll toss you for it.
- Oh okay.
- Okay?
- Sure enough.
(glass breaking) (crashing)
(audience laughs)
- I have the strangest
feeling that I'm being followed.
- Laughing is like
a weight problem
every time you think
you lost it for good
you look behind you
and there it is again.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(barking)
- Is that another
chicken lifting joke?
- Harry Harry Harry you
forgot to punch the time clock.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
(silly upbeat music)
- I heard you were
out rustlin' last night.
- Yeah it's the last time
I'll wear taffeta chaps.
- Does exercise really
build up the body, Jack?
- Well it sure does.
You know that German
Shepherd dog I have on my show?
Well he used to be a mouse.
- Frankly I think weightlifting
is having a bad effect on me.
(ascending whoop)
(descending whoop)
(clanging noise)
- Oh Sally, you know
you're some enchilada
and last year you wore
your hair in tight little ringlets.
Now you have it
long and flowing.
- No no no, it's the same
hairdo except that this year
I'm more used to Archie Bunker.
- Oh what do you mean?
- Well the first time I heard
him say some of those things
it made my hair curl.
- You look fabulous.
- Is the undertow
very strong today?
- Well either the
undertow is very strong
or 38 people just
decided to swim to Japan.
(laughs) God bless 'em.
(rattling clanking dinging)
(audience laughs)
- You know buddy, I get up
every morning at four o'clock
and I'm in the gym
and I work out 'til 6:30
and I'm 57 years old.
- How old would you
be if you didn't get up
four o'clock every morning?
(tinny piano music)
(cranking sound)
(popping noise)
(glass shattering)
(liquid gurgling)
- How'd you ever get
the name Fannie Flagg
- Well I'll tell you the truth.
My manager thought of it one day
I was wearing red,
white, and blue hot pants.
- And now from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Institute for Advanced
Research and Antique Shop,
NBC the Never Been
Cornered network
is back against the wall with
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
starring the well
founded Dan Rowan
and the confounded Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Buddy Hackett.
And Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
And Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma, Larry
Hovis, Richard Dawson,
with cameo appearances by
Jack LaLanne, Fannie Flagg,
Sally Struthers, Mona Tera,
and me I'm Gary Owens with
this word for worried business
men who go home at
night with an upset stomach,
don't go home at night.
- I like working here
for you Mr Summer
but when you come in the
morning, your breath, whoo
it's pretty bad.
So here, use Blue
Scoop, like I use
good that'll do it.
Oh, here he comes.
Morning Mr Summer.
- Yes, what is it?
- Mr Summer you you've got
you've got new Blue Scoop.
- That's right, bud, and I want
you to use it every morning
just like I use it.
You've got a breath that
would melt Mount Rushmore.
(audience laughs)
- When Jacques Cousteau
does an underwater special
he goes pretty far down.
But here's two people who
have sunk to even lower depths,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- I don't believe it.
- Back back.
- A man can only stand so much.
- That's enough
thank you very much
and good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- Merci beaucoup Mademoiselles
et Messieurs and bon soir.
- Well that's fantastic.
- No that's French.
I'm learning French, you
know, just ask me anything.
- D'accord s'il vous
parler en Francais
moi dites quelque chose.
- It certainly does
now just ask anything.
- I just said alright if you
speak French tell me something.
- That what you said?
- Yeah, you know you
really ought to learn French.
You know the best way to
learn any foreign language?
Speak it - Yeah?
- Alright, repeat after me.
- After me.
- No that's not what I mean.
- No that's not what I mean.
- Dick please stop that.
- Dick will you stop that,
hey look I'm speaking French.
You know that sounds
a lot like English?
- Well that was English.
- Well teach me something
else I already speak English good.
- You speak English good?
You sure do.
What would you
say to a little Italian?
- One jumbo pizza,
heavy on the pepperoni.
- Wait a minute.
- Hold it one jumbo
pizza forget the pepperoni
(laughs) how 'bout that?
One lesson I'm already
ordering from a French menu.
- That's not a French
menu that was Italian.
You know what you
really ought to learn
is a little
conversational French.
- Why?
- Well so you could have
a conversation in French.
- That makes sense.
- I'm glad you think so.
Alright let's say
you're in Paris.
You're in a little
sidewalk cafe.
- What am I having?
- You're having lunch.
- No nothing for me,
I just had a pizza.
- Alright then you're
having a glass of wine.
- I'm having a glass of wine?
- Yeah.
- What kind of wine?
- I don't know what kind
of you're having white wine.
- Better make that red
wine, goes better with pizza.
- Alright you're having
a glass of red wine,
now this beautiful
French girl walks in
stops at your table.
Now you're going to
have to say something
to catch her attention.
- Right.
- What are you going to say?
- Mon pied est dans le
pomme de terre macher.
- You realize
what you just said?
- I don't know I read it on a
can of sardines somewhere.
- You just said your foot
is in the mashed potatoes.
- Oh nothing for
me I just had a pizza.
- You also just had
a French lesson.
- Muchas gracias, senor.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat brassy dance music)
- Yesterday I saw a man
with a Japanese camera
and a Swiss watch
get into a German car
which had a bumper
sticker that read
America love it or leave it.
(brassy music)
- I wanted to advertise my
services in the yellow pages
but I didn't know
whether to list myself
under toys and games
or sporting equipment.
(brassy music)
- Strange thing happens
as election time draws near
all of a sudden your
distinguished opponent
becomes a liar and a thief.
(upbeat brassy music)
- I keep my figure
by jogging in place.
- Good how 'bout
jogging in my place.
- We found a way to more
than double the circulation
of our church publication.
In each issue we have column
called confession of the week.
- You think that J Edgar
Hoover will ever retire?
- Well let me ask
you a question,
you think you'll ever see
offshore drilling at San Clemente?
(brassy dance music)
- It's really a relief
being married.
I can finally get
some sleep at night.
- You know John I just
read about a college
where the staff plumbers make
more than the full professors.
- Wow, if this keeps up
you know the students
are gonna want to
change the three Rs
to Reading, Writing,
and Roto Rooter.
- I know a good way to solve
the school busing problem,
bus the parents out of town
and let the kids work it out.
(upbeat brassy music)
- You know,
I love sports photos,
for instance last night I
took some great action shots.
- At the stadium?
- No at the Idle Hours Motel.
- (Laughs)
Oh you know those are lovely
shoes that you're wearing.
- Thank you.
- Must have been hard
finding a blacksmith.
- I know a man who
runs an adult bookstore
and once a week a girl comes
in and dirties up the place.
- Buddy do you have a
problem with your weight?
- Not at all, Forest, I
find that if I eat regularly
and get plenty of rest
and I don't exercise
I could get as fat as I want to.
(brassy dance music)
(audience applause)
- August 6th, 1970
Howard Hughes at his
hotel room in Las Vegas
looked into his mirror
and saw nothing.
- Kids, let me give
you some advice.
There are two things
you must never do
if you intend to make
it in show business.
You must never
be late for a show
and you must
never swallow a tree.
- Permission to extinguish
the fire in the kitchen, sir.
- Give me 10 men who
are stout hearted men
and I won't bother
you again 'til noon.
- Sally you did a nude
scene in Five Easy Pieces
what was that like?
- Well, it was just like
taking a bath all by yourself
except in this case
there was no bath
and you weren't by yourself.
- Okay draw.
(gun bangs)
Well, why didn't you draw?
- Eh?
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
Poppa said to Mamma
we should all do our part
to keep our place
clean of litter.
So you know what I did?
I went all over the house and
picked up all the loose paper
and wadded it
into little teeny balls
and flung it right
out into the street.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
Miss Picket's arms
are sticking out.
- Okay men, follow me.
(marching drum beat)
- Little Fannie - Yes.
- Is Fannie your real name?
- Oh honey
everybody asks me that
and I have to tell you the truth
no it isn't it's a stage name.
My real name is posterior.
- Well George I hope you do like
your new job as doorman here,
you know this is one of the
finest apartment buildings
in New York City.
- Don't worry sir,
I'll do my best.
I certainly don't want to go
back to being a bouncer again
in the Club Kellman.
Good evening sir.
- Good evening.
- And stay out.
- The Marcus Welby cocktail,
two drinks and you
can't operate it properly.
- The astronaut cocktail,
two drinks and you
think you're on the moon.
- The Frank Gorshin cocktail,
two drinks and you
can be anybody.
- That's it gather around
folks, come right up close,
that's it, now then friends,
does the ceaseless hacking
of raucous hawking coughing
rasping and grasping result in
irritation of the delicate
membranes of your bed partner's
ears Dr Rowan's cough
catarrh and cure it's a curative
will stop all that, are there
any potential customers
anyone with a cough,
anybody's got any throat problem,
how about you sir do you
have any proud little lady,
do you have anyone with a cough.
Why here's a gentleman
right here, would you like to try
one of these wonderful
bottles of curative?
(coughing)
That's it that'll
be six dollars sir,
oh and 20 dollars for the
label little bit of corkage fee
you've got the right amount,
try that wonderful elixir sir.
Ah, you're all a witness
to it he's taken one sip
and that cough has
absolutely vanished.
Sir, tell me how does
your throat feel now?
How does your throat feel
now sir just take that out
how does it feel?
(hoarse sounds)
There you are thank you
for those kind thoughts,
now anybody else
anyone with a cough.
- Sally don't you just
hate the bigoted attitude
expressed by Archie
Bunker and All in the Family?
- Yes I do but you must
keep in mind the fact that
he's just a dumb WASP.
- Mr LaLanne I have
terrible posture problem.
- Very well now
pick your head up.
(rusty squeaking)
Now straighten up.
(rusty squeaking)
Now pull your chest out.
Throw my chest out?
(audience laughs)
- If I did that I'd be punished.
- Buddy you perform
in Las Vegas a lot.
I understand it's very
easy to lose your shirt there.
- That's right,
that's I always carry
with me a couple pasties.
- Oh that Sigmund Freud,
what a sexy fella.
Wouldn't it be great to be
married to someone like him?
Oh boy.
(serene melody)
Oh Sigmund, we've
been on our honeymoon
for three days now
and all you've done
is work on your book.
What are you writing about?
- Sex of course.
Sex is so important
that the lack of it can
produce psychotic paranoia,
resulting in abnormal
dementia of insanity.
- Oh oh then let's make love.
- With you, you think I'm crazy?
- Oh.
- Hey Buddy Hackett, baby.
You play Las Vegas a lot,
you ever see Howard Hughes?
- Many times but it's
pretty hard to recognize him
in them pasties.
- Lifeguard, lifeguard, a
sea monster just came up
out of the water and
pulled my wife under.
- Oh don't worry, he does
that every day about this time.
He'll bring her back
up in about an hour.
- But I may need her.
- He probably does too.
(bouncy, playful kazoo music)
(audience laughs)
- Totally stupid, huh?
Well we'll settle
this with guns.
(bouncy thump)
- Many people think it's
easy to appear on Laugh In
but it isn't, 'cause
it's very difficult
to spit out your lines
and swallow your
pride at the same time.
- Hi Fannie (laughs).
- Oh dear, you know what,
I went to a great
football game yesterday.
- How did it end?
- Like this. (gun bangs)
We're flora dora maidens
And we've got a
little song for you
A simple roundelay for you
So don't ignore a flora dora
What's the news
across the nation
We have taught the information
In a way we hope
will amuse, news
We just love to
give you our views
La da de da, ladies and gents
Laugh and looks at the news
With Mr Dick and Dan
(audience applause)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh In news
with Pauline Fredrick in
Washington with scoops,
Premiere Key in
Saigon with troops,
the FBI everywhere with snoops,
and Georgie Dessel in bed, oops.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- In an effort to
increase circulation,
Hugh Hefner today
decided to bring out
a children's version
of Playboy Magazine.
The first issue will feature
a revealing expose
of Jack and Jill
and a centerfold of
Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.
I can't wait for that issue.
Today Acme Pictures
announced plans to film
a low budget remake of the
monster classic King Kong.
The script calls for a
climactic final scene
in which Mickey Rooney
clad in a chimpanzee costume
and carrying a Barbie doll
climbs to the top of a pup tent
and bats away at an
attacking force of mosquitoes.
- Sounds exciting, yes.
- I tell you that's got
me on tenterhooks.
Dateline New York City,
a group of militant Jewish
housewives led by Sarah Tishman,
that's Mr Sarah Tishman,
today aligned themselves
with the women's lib
and boiled their
bras in chicken soup.
(xylophone music)
And now over to Dan
with news of the future.
- Washington, D.C.
20 years from now,
Christine Jorgensen was today
unanimously
nominated for president.
The spokesman for
her party declared,
we did it as an economy move.
With Ms Jorgensen
in the White House
we'll have one
person serving as both
president and first lady.
Now moving right along,
news of the future
20 years from now
in response to labor's
request for a shorter work week,
major industrial
concerns today proposed
that the workforce take
off Monday through Friday
and work only on
Saturday and Sunday.
The proposal was
unanimously rejected
by the labor unions who said,
what and give up our weekends?
(xylophone music)
It's what it's reported.
Canoga Park, California
20 years from now.
90 year old motorcycle
daredevil Evel Knievel
astounded his fellow residents
at the Foonman Home for the Aged
when he tried to hurdle his
wheelchair over 84 bedpans.
(laughs) (xylophone music)
- I don't like to see that.
- Neither did Evel.
- And now to the only
authority on sports
who doesn't even know the score.
Here he is, big Al.
- Hi sports fans, big Al here.
(whistle blows)
Quiver quiver you little lips.
It's bouncy bouncy time,
tonight I'm going to explain
what basketball
referee signals mean.
This means, jump ball or
good heavens my
steering wheel's missing.
(whistle blows)
Oh canaries eat your hearts out.
The next signal is this
which means hacking or foul,
or good heavens my mickey
mouse watch has disappeared.
Now when a foul is called
the referee holds up his fingers
to show the number of the player
who has committed the boo boo,
in other words this means
hey there number 22
that's a no no, or
it can also signify
I am the president
and I hope the rules
are perfectly clear.
But the best part
about basketball signals
is when you give one of
the little whistles like this.
Oh tweet on you silver tweetie.
Bye, from big Al.
Oh, I love it.
- Oh that big Al, he's
just like a teddy bear,
gone bad.
- And now with
kid news for kids,
here's Moosie Dryer in a tree
house somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Should a been with me this
afternoon we played football,
Butchie Mathis threw
me a forward pass
and I caught it
and I ran 57 yards
for a touchdown
and we almost won the game
and would a won it too
if I had run in the right
direction for my touchdown.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- News not well known
that Elias Howe, inventor
of the sewing machine
and James Watt, inventor
of the steam engine,
once had a history making
telephone conversation.
- Hello Watt.
- Yes, what.
- Howe.
- How what?
- No no, you're
Watt and I'm Howe.
- I don't know how
you are, or who.
- Not who Watt,
Howe, it's Howe here.
- It's how what there?
- No it's Watt there and I'm
Howe here, got that Watt?
- Got what where?
- Got Howe here, I'm Howe.
- So what?
- You're Watt, and you're
getting me steamed.
- Steamed, eh?
Say you've just
finished sewing the idea
for a great machine.
- Sewing?
What a marvelous
idea for a great machine.
Bye Watt.
- Okay and I'll buy Howe.
- I'm here with
one of the natives
of this equatorial
country of Cobongo.
Tell me sir, what are
the greatest dangers
the people here face.
One is the bite
of the tsetse fly,
which causes months
of prolonged agony.
- Uh huh.
- The other is poison darts
which cause
almost instant death.
- Oh, what was that?
- Well let me put
it to you this way,
you won't have to go through
months of prolonged agony.
- Well back to you Dick and Dan.
- And now Laugh In goes
back to 1837 to France
where Louis Daguerre
has invented the cameurre.
- Excuse me Mr Daguerre,
I understand because of
the slowness of the film,
your subjects have to sit
motionless for a long time
while the picture is exposed.
- Yes that is correct.
- How long does it take?
- Well for example, that
lady has been sitting there
motionless since 12.
- She's been sitting there
motionless for two hours?
- No, no you misunderstood me,
she's been sitting there
since she was 12 years old.
(audience laughs)
- You missed your shot.
- Next.
- Hi (laughs)
Busy Buzzi here in Hollywood
where it's either boom or bust.
I can reliably report
that Barbara Streisand
has agreed to do a nude
love scene in her next picture,
however because of
her extreme modesty,
she will wear a
pastie on her nose.
And that's it from tinsel
town, bye from Buzzi.
Kissy kissy.
- And that's the way it
is February 22nd 1753.
La da de da, ladies and gents
Laugh In looked at the news
- Hi, I know a family so liberal
every Tuesday night for dinner
they have extreme leftovers.
- Oh Buddy this is so
fant you know this is the ti
I know you've been up you
know you're usually in Las
you don't really
do that much tele
not that people don't I mean
I know that people
constantly they've been
I mean they are actually
they're on their hands
and actually you know
wanting you to do a to be p t
do be on to have a regular
TV thing but you're always
in Las doing a
making a hundred thou
I don't know million do
it's a every si a back stage
there's enor those
chorus you know the girls
that have they have
almost absolutely nothing
they're wear sometimes
they have a little something
but not a whole lot you know
and you might be standing
in the ba in the thing
I mean the thing is
you have such a your life
is a it's a I think somewhere
- Tell more about
them girls standing
I like to hear that part.
(kazoo music and bell dinging)
- You're a Frank
Smella, ain't ya?
- Yeah.
- You killed my
wife, didn't cha?
- Yeah.
- Don't do that no more.
(lighthearted playful flute)
- Hey guys, this
is the second time
you've had me on Laugh In.
- That's right Bud.
- Will you tell me one thing?
- What's that?
- What I ever do to you?
- Lifeguard quick, help, my
husband's out there drowning.
- I'm sorry I just
finished eating,
I can't go in the
water for another hour.
And even then I'm very cautious.
- Little Sally Struthers,
hey you know.
Son of a gun, hey you know
your show, All in the Family
has a very high
rating this year.
- Oh yeah and it'd have
an even higher rating
except that many
people don't watch it,
'cause they feel the
opinions of bias and prejudice
expressed by the
character Archie Bunker
do not present a true
picture of the real America.
- Is that so?
- Yeah and a lot of
other people don't watch it
'cause it's produced by Jews.
- You know I was so
sorry to see Laurence Welk
was dropped by the network,
if there's one thing
that television needs,
it's a lot more comedy
shows, don't you think so?
(brassy show tune music)
Johnnie Buddy Hey
you're lookin' nutty
Ain't you lookin'
really slim and svelte
Look at here Buddy Johnnie
You look pale and whiny
I been really
pullin' in the belt
Pardon while we grin
We are getting thin
They call us
Weight watchers,
that's the name for us
Weight watchers,
that's the game for us
Lena Horne just called
me up and asked for a date
Since I've been
watching my weight
You're sylph like, loads
lighter, ain't it glorious
Our life's brighter
we're victorious
Call up Candy Bergen
tell her I will be late 'cause
I'm busy watchin' my weight
Eatin' a lot Growin' a pot
Nobody knows
the trouble I've got
That was really a bore
Hip hip hooray, thinner today
All of the tonnage
is slippin' away
You call this heavy you
should have seen us before
Weight watchers,
no potatoes please
Weight watchers,
sliced tomatoes please
We are very careful
what we put on our plate
Since we've be
watchin' our weight
A diet ain't the fun
way all the critics scoff
But we are on a runway
and we're takin' it off
We're weight watchers,
and we're watchin' our weight
Paul Newman
better watch his step
Weight watchers and
we're watchin' our weight
Stay on your motorcycle
Steve McQueen
Weight watchers and
we're watchin' our weight
One more pound, hey
Weight watchers and
we're watchin' our weight
Take it off
- Well it's time to take a
look at the mod mod world.
- Not quite yet.
- What do you
mean not quite yet?
- Well you better hurry because
I have to take a bridge lesson.
- No fooling, you're
learning you play bridge?
- No I'm learning to build one.
- Why would you want
to do something like that?
- Well I wanted to
make a name for myself.
- You make a name for yourself
every time you open your mouth.
- I'd rather have one we
could use on television.
- I would too, what
is this bridge building,
so kind of correspondence
course you're taking?
- Yeah, it's one of
those combination deals.
For 12 bucks I can
become a civil engineer
and a motel manager.
- You don't even know
what a civil engineer is.
- Well I certainly
do, it's a railroad man
who's nice to his customers.
(laughter)
- Dick you'd have to
study for a long time
to become an engineer.
- I know that and I
intend to stick with it,
stick with it even if
it takes three day.
- Three whole days.
- Three whole days.
- How you gonna finish a
course like that in three days?
- I'll do it even if I have to
drop out of medical school.
- Oh a sacrifice.
- Drop right out.
- Listen is this another one
of those combination deals
where you learn how to be a
doctor and a motel manager
in 10 easy lessons?
- No no,
it's how to become a doctor
and finish high school at home.
- What started all of
this bridge building.
- Well ever since I was a
little boy in San Francisco
I had a dream.
I dreamed that someday
the San Francisco bay
there on that bay
there would be a bridge.
- San Francisco bay.
- Yeah,
and it would be a
magnificent span
arching across the
entrance to that bay.
- The golden gate.
- Good I'll use that name,
and this great bridge
would be one of the
longest in the world.
- There already is a
golden gate bridge.
- Okay I'll use a
different name, then,
and it's great
towers would rise.
- Hold it, hold it.
There already is a bridge
across the San Francisco bay.
- There is?
- Yes.
- Well then I'll take tap
dancing lessons instead.
Not up his nose
he would (laughs)
- I've heard enough of that,
let's look at the mod
world of nutrition and health.
- There is goes again.
- A mighty bridge.
(audience applause)
- I would like to
remind Mr Martin
that a person without taste
is like a person without teeth.
He is much easier to take
when he keeps his mouth shut.
- Alright that's fine,
now Mr Hackett
now let's see if we
can't do something
about that little tum tum there
would you lie down
on the mat please.
Atta boy, that's the spirit,
now just stretch
out fine, now sit up.
I'll hold your legs
down for you, ready?
Sit up.
Wait just a minute, Johnnie?
Would you hold
down Mr Hackett's leg?
- Sure I will.
- He worked out, look at him.
(audience laughs)
Sit up.
Wait just a minute we'll
get a little more help.
Ruth, Ann, would you
girls give us a hand here
with Mr Hackett on that
shoulder if you don't mind.
Okay here we go now, sit up.
Well just a minute,
just a minute, Larry, Lily.
- Do I have to do it again?
- Yeah we'll do it.
Would you get on this side
of the shoulder over here.
Okay everybody
together now, sit up.
(everyone groans)
Now down.
That's fine, now one more time.
Everybody sit up.
(groans)
Now down.
Very good.
- I knew I could do it.
- Hey here's a great way
to build up your muscles
while throwing horseshoes.
Leave them on the horse.
- A health food
salad is something
that if you see it
on a plate you eat it,
if you saw it on your
lawn, you'd spray it.
(kettle drums pounding)
- Jack, what's the best
way to lose weight?
- Well touch your
toes 100 times.
- Is that before or after meals?
- Instead of.
- You know every morning
I chin myself 10 times.
- Sure, once for each
chin, right chubs?
- I owe everything to exercise,
it killed my last husband
and I got his insurance.
- In six weeks I can
give you a body like mine
but you gotta listen.
- My Harry worked out
with weights 15 hours a day
and in just one week he
was four feet across the chest
three feet across the shoulders
and six feet under the ground.
- You know it used to
be that an apple a day
could keep the doctor away.
Of course that was
before they started
spraying them with DDT.
- [All] One two one two
one two one two one two.
- Don't worry
We'll help you
miss, don't worry.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- [All] One two one two.
- I suppose the kids
might like that joke
but what are the rest
of us going to watch?
- Mr LaLanne, you
know I have this problem
I have a very large chest
but my legs are so thin.
- You know I had another
student with the very same problem
and I set her up a
program of exercise
and we transferred
the excess weight
from her chest to her legs.
- Well how does she look?
- She looks great except
she has to wear her
brassier on her knees.
- My doctor told me I
had to jog five miles a day
in order to save my marriage.
- Did it work?
- No, one day I only
jogged three miles,
came home early caught
the doctor with my wife.
- I knew a man who took
vitamins every day of his life
for 135 years and they
didn't do him a bit of good.
- I want a fantastic physique,
what do you recommend?
- Reincarnation.
- Hi honey, doing push ups?
- I'm just about to break my
all time record.
One.
I did it.
- Waiting to see
one of the doctors?
- Yeah, it's my shoulder it
it's kind of a twinge
in my left shoulder
with a severe throbbing pain.
- Aha, I know
what it is already.
- What?
- It's a severely throbbing
left shoulder twinge.
- I just said that.
- You see I was right.
Yet I, who diagnosed
with the best
must finish sweeping this floor
for years I have wanted
to become a surgeon.
- Why didn't you?
- I have to finish
sweeping the floor.
- Well mighty bridge builder,
how'd you like the mod
world of nutrition and health?
- Well reminded me that I
have to take my vitamins.
- You take vitamins?
- Every one from A to U.
- U, I've never heard of U.
- Well I've heard of you,
you're Dan Rowan of Rowan
and what's his name's Laugh In.
(inspirational music rising)
And someday that bridge
is going to be there,
I'm going to build it.
(audience applause)
- Dick is funny, but
Dan is really funny.
- You know I went to a
tennis game last week
and saw an incredible set.
I was sitting next
to Raquel Welch.
- Speaking of Pittsburgh,
I had to be there one time
and I called the house to see
how my dog was gettin' along
and the housekeeper said
that dog don't eat
when you're not here,
I said why don't you take
an article of my clothing,
something that I worn
that had the smell of me,
put it near the dog's
dish with the food in it,
let the dog discover
the dish by himself,
don't tell him
come here food, no.
Now, he'll sniff my
shirt, he'll smell the food,
he'll associate the
two and he'll eat.
I came home two weeks later
and there was a very
skinny dog wearing my shirt.
- Sally Struthers,
baby, hey listen
I heard the John Birch
society wants to stage a debate
between Barry Goldwater
and William Buckley,
to show both ends of
the political spectrum.
- Yeah, right wing
and extreme right wing.
- Now here's a
commercial we shot.
Unfortunately it lived.
- Do people drown here often?
- Oh usually just about once.
- You ain't never gonna
call me fatso again.
(gun bangs)
- You're right, fatso.
(kazoo music)
(audience laughter)
- Buddy what makes
you talk so funny?
- About 50,000 a week.
I don't wanna the real
amount, it would be rude.
- Someone wrote in asked
a question about Ruth Buzzi
now I don't propose to
answer every question.
(clanking) (whistling)
- Well how you do you like it?
- Well now that has to be the
dumbest thing I've ever seen.
- Well the dumbest
thing I've ever seen
is a man trying to
smoke a buffalo.
- No I mean this outfit.
- That's dumb.
- It's not as dumb as that,
now what possible
reason can a person have
for wearing a suit
of armor today.
- Well I could have
several good reasons.
I could be wearing
it for a friend.
- Yes?
- I could be the world's
worst high jumper.
- You probably are.
- Or even the world's
lousiest cat burglar.
- Make sense.
- How 'bout a giant percolator?
- Oh come on.
- Fancy garbage can?
- Look.
- Step on my foot see
if my head opens up.
- I'm gonna (laughs).
Now what did you
buy a thing like that for?
- Well I was goin'
to go skin diving.
- Well it's a good
thing you didn't
you'd a gone
right to the bottom.
- Well isn't that where
you're supposed to go?
- Just take it off.
- What do you mean take it off?
What do you expect
me to enter the contest
without a suit of armor?
- What contest?
- Well the Wilbur Nurn memorial
porcupine catching contest.
- The Wilbur Nurn,
who was Wilbur Nurn?
- Last years winner (laughs).
- And it's a memorial is it.
Now why would
anyone want to enter
a porcupine catching contest?
- Well for the prize mostly.
- What's the prize?
- Well it's a fabulous
and fun filled week
in the intensive care
ward of the mayo clinic.
- It must a little hard
to catch a porcupine.
- You think that's
hard try letting go.
- What do you do
after you catch one?
- Well you try to make
it to the ambulance
before you lose consciousness.
- Does every body in the
contest wear one of these suits?
- Nope last year some
nut tried to do it nude.
- Who was he?
- Nobody's found out yet you see
ever since then he's
been just running around
in circles screaming (screams).
- We just run around
to the quickies.
- Miss Wagner would you
step in here a moment please.
- Yes sir.
- Would you take a letter?
- Of course.
(popping sound)
- Now personally that doesn't
strike me as very amusing.
- Hey you know what
you get when you cross
a dentist with a kleptomaniac?
Well you get a professional man
who will steal your eye teeth.
- Hello, welcome to
Buddy's toy and trick shop.
- Hello there, I
bought this as a
25th wedding anniversary
present for my wife
but she didn't care for it
so I'd like my money back.
- What is it?
- It's one of those
water faucets
that you stick on your
forehead, you know it
- So it looks like you a -
It's really funny but she
- And she didn't?
- No.
- Oh well here's
your money back.
- Thank you (snapping sound)
- Would you sign the
refund slip please?
Here just take that.
(squirting sound)
- Oh for heavens sake.
- By the way our jackpot is
now up to the $50,000 limit,
so the next call will
be to my mother.
- I'm really angry now.
- Oh well can't you
take - I'm angry.
- Take a little joke, here
have a glass of water,
you'll calm down and you'll feel
- But I'm angry.
- Have some water.
(gurgling noise)
- I met a girl last night
and fell head under
heels in love with her.
- Want my money
back or I'll call
the better business bureau.
- Here for heaven's sake,
you wanna call them, call them,
use my phone.
- Alright fine thank you.
(exploding noise)
- And now preceding
Yolanda and her flaming bear
here's our special
guest of the week.
The Atlantic Ocean.
(splashing)
Thank you very much, good night.
- Same one you gave me before.
- No it's a different one,
here shake hands
it's a good year.
(buzzing)
- This whole thing in ridiculous
I'm never gonna
shop here again you.
- Turn this in for a minute.
(spring boing) (screaming)
- Oh I hate when the
mean people come in here.
- I've got a very
important mission for you
I want you to get these
plans across the enemy line.
Think you can do it?
- Sure I'll make it.
(gun shot)
- Close.
Very close.
(tinkling piano music)
(popping)
(audience laughter)
- I know a man so patriotic
he'll admit Columbus was Italian
but he says his
parents were American.
- How much is that 1938 penny?
- That's a quarter.
- Okay I'm gonna take it.
- Hey, this is a 1932 quarter.
- How much is it worth?
- $16,000
- I'll take it.
- A horse a horse, my
kingdom for a horse.
- Now what do you
need a horse for?
- You wouldn't send a knight out
on a dog like this would you?
(laughs) I got you.
(farcical vaudeville music)
- Lifeguard quick help, my
boyfriend is out there drowning.
- Well I guess that means
you'll be free tonight, huh?
Or at least reasonable.
- Okay you ready?
- Yeah let me
warm up a little first.
(gun bangs)
Right in the middle,
okay now you try it.
(gun bangs)
- Right in the middle.
(silly xylophone music)
- Sally, what's the
first thing you did
when you found out that you
were going to be on Laugh In?
- I jumped in my car
and ran over my agent.
- Hello friends,
this is chaplain Bud Homily
with this word for all those
within earshot of my lips
remember a stitch
in time saves nine.
- How come Dennis
Allen always looks
like he has to go potty?
- [Announcer] And
now, stranger than truth.
- In World War II
Sergeant Brian Panitch
carried a treasured
cigarette lighter with
him throughout the entire
European campaign.
But somewhere near the end
of the war the lighter was lost.
25 years later, in search
of the treasured memento,
Mr Panitch returned to Europe
and retraced every
step of his campaign
until one day in a small
village in southern Italy,
he finally came
across the lighter
where it had lain all this time
in his pants pocket.
- [Announcer] This has
been stranger than truth.
(jazzy piano music)
(glass breaking)
- Well it's time
to do a little cheer
it's time to do a little bit
(siren wailing)
we'll have to do it later
'cause now it's time to quit.
- Oh, honey, did you
hear about the man
who held up Woolworth's?
- No what about him?
- They sentenced him to
five and 10 cents in Sing Sing.
(piano music)
- Dry martini please.
- Just a just a
see let me talk to the chef.
There's a gorilla down
there and he wants a martini,
what do I do?
- Sell him one,
look business is
lousy, charge him extra,
what does a gorilla know?
- Yes sir, one martini.
- All I got is a 10.
- Yeah
and
here's your dollar change.
You know we don't get too
many gorillas coming in here.
- I shouldn't wonder
with martinis at $9 a drink.
- Howdy, what do you
think of my 10 gallon hat?
(gun bangs)
- I think you're a quart low.
- Fannie.
- Yes.
- Would you trade places
with Martha Mitchell?
- No sweetheart,
I'd like to get out of
show business for a change.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- And not a moment too soon,
I don't want to be late
for my tennis lessons.
- Everybody knows you're not
really interested in tennis.
- You bet your
big back hand I am
just yesterday I learned
an old russian serve.
- What's an old russian serve?
- Usually borscht with a
little vodka on the side.
- Just day good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Mother.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hi and good bye to you, Dick.
- Hey Bud.
- Hey why do kangaroos
hop up and down?
- Because when they
hop to side to side
they don't get anywhere.
- I've just taken
up rabbit watching.
- You've just taken
up rabbit watching
you must mean bird watching.
- No I do mean rabbit watching,
you see my wife
just quit taking the pill.
- He found out a way to
phone anywhere in the world
without costing you a penny.
- How does he do it?
- He comes over and
uses my phone, Dan
(laughter)
- I remember that time.
Hey what was the darkest
night in history, John?
- Sir Lancelot
Roosevelt Calhoun.
- (whoops) How come Dr
Barnhard hasn't performed
any transplants lately, Rich?
- I don't know, he just
doesn't have the heart for it.
(laughter)
- What do you get if
you cross a hip song
by Simon and Garfunkel
with Lake Eerie.
- I don't know, what?
- Bridge over
troubled beer cans.
- The anti pollution campaign
is sweeping the country.
Now if someone would just
start sweeping the streets.
- I know a girl who took
a Chinese fertility pill
and she gave birth
to a ping pong team.
- This show has been pre
recorded but not premeditated.
(kazoo music)
(clapping)
we're very proud
to have on our show this
evening a truly funny man.
- And a wonderful guy.
- Yep, let's give a warm welcome
please to Mr Buddy Hackett.
(audience applause)
- Thank you, thank
you, hi Dick, hi Dan.
I can't tell you what a kick
it is to be on your show.
- Buddy, you mind my asking
what are you supposed to be?
- What am I supposed to be?
What does it look like?
- It looks like
you're either a gorilla
or somebody sold
you a lousy tuxedo.
- Hi gang who's your friend?
- We thought it was you.
- Me?
- Yeah, he said it was you.
- He did?
- Yeah.
- What are you crazy,
I work a lifetime making
a name for myself
and some big ape
like this comes along
and claims he's Buddy Hackett?
- Buddy Hackett?
I thought you said
Buddy Hackman.
(audience laughs)
- Gotta say one thing for him.
- What's that?
- He's got a great
looking tuxedo.
(audience laughs)
- The success of
All in the Family
has proven what George
Wallace has known for years,
bigotry and prejudice
can be profitable.
- Mr LaLanne you know I have
very wide hips and I don't
know what to do about it.
- I have and exercise
that I absolutely guarantee
will get rid of those
hips, it's done like this.
Now you try it.
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
- Oh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh
no, I'll get it this time, okay?
- I'll tell you what I'll
do, I'll toss you for it.
- Oh okay.
- Okay?
- Sure enough.
(glass breaking) (crashing)
(audience laughs)
- I have the strangest
feeling that I'm being followed.
- Laughing is like
a weight problem
every time you think
you lost it for good
you look behind you
and there it is again.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(barking)
- Is that another
chicken lifting joke?
- Harry Harry Harry you
forgot to punch the time clock.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
(silly upbeat music)
- I heard you were
out rustlin' last night.
- Yeah it's the last time
I'll wear taffeta chaps.
- Does exercise really
build up the body, Jack?
- Well it sure does.
You know that German
Shepherd dog I have on my show?
Well he used to be a mouse.
- Frankly I think weightlifting
is having a bad effect on me.
(ascending whoop)
(descending whoop)
(clanging noise)
- Oh Sally, you know
you're some enchilada
and last year you wore
your hair in tight little ringlets.
Now you have it
long and flowing.
- No no no, it's the same
hairdo except that this year
I'm more used to Archie Bunker.
- Oh what do you mean?
- Well the first time I heard
him say some of those things
it made my hair curl.
- You look fabulous.
- Is the undertow
very strong today?
- Well either the
undertow is very strong
or 38 people just
decided to swim to Japan.
(laughs) God bless 'em.
(rattling clanking dinging)
(audience laughs)
- You know buddy, I get up
every morning at four o'clock
and I'm in the gym
and I work out 'til 6:30
and I'm 57 years old.
- How old would you
be if you didn't get up
four o'clock every morning?
(tinny piano music)
(cranking sound)
(popping noise)
(glass shattering)
(liquid gurgling)
- How'd you ever get
the name Fannie Flagg
- Well I'll tell you the truth.
My manager thought of it one day
I was wearing red,
white, and blue hot pants.
- And now from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Institute for Advanced
Research and Antique Shop,
NBC the Never Been
Cornered network
is back against the wall with
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In
starring the well
founded Dan Rowan
and the confounded Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Buddy Hackett.
And Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
And Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma, Larry
Hovis, Richard Dawson,
with cameo appearances by
Jack LaLanne, Fannie Flagg,
Sally Struthers, Mona Tera,
and me I'm Gary Owens with
this word for worried business
men who go home at
night with an upset stomach,
don't go home at night.
- I like working here
for you Mr Summer
but when you come in the
morning, your breath, whoo
it's pretty bad.
So here, use Blue
Scoop, like I use
good that'll do it.
Oh, here he comes.
Morning Mr Summer.
- Yes, what is it?
- Mr Summer you you've got
you've got new Blue Scoop.
- That's right, bud, and I want
you to use it every morning
just like I use it.
You've got a breath that
would melt Mount Rushmore.
(audience laughs)
- When Jacques Cousteau
does an underwater special
he goes pretty far down.
But here's two people who
have sunk to even lower depths,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- I don't believe it.
- Back back.
- A man can only stand so much.
- That's enough
thank you very much
and good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- Merci beaucoup Mademoiselles
et Messieurs and bon soir.
- Well that's fantastic.
- No that's French.
I'm learning French, you
know, just ask me anything.
- D'accord s'il vous
parler en Francais
moi dites quelque chose.
- It certainly does
now just ask anything.
- I just said alright if you
speak French tell me something.
- That what you said?
- Yeah, you know you
really ought to learn French.
You know the best way to
learn any foreign language?
Speak it - Yeah?
- Alright, repeat after me.
- After me.
- No that's not what I mean.
- No that's not what I mean.
- Dick please stop that.
- Dick will you stop that,
hey look I'm speaking French.
You know that sounds
a lot like English?
- Well that was English.
- Well teach me something
else I already speak English good.
- You speak English good?
You sure do.
What would you
say to a little Italian?
- One jumbo pizza,
heavy on the pepperoni.
- Wait a minute.
- Hold it one jumbo
pizza forget the pepperoni
(laughs) how 'bout that?
One lesson I'm already
ordering from a French menu.
- That's not a French
menu that was Italian.
You know what you
really ought to learn
is a little
conversational French.
- Why?
- Well so you could have
a conversation in French.
- That makes sense.
- I'm glad you think so.
Alright let's say
you're in Paris.
You're in a little
sidewalk cafe.
- What am I having?
- You're having lunch.
- No nothing for me,
I just had a pizza.
- Alright then you're
having a glass of wine.
- I'm having a glass of wine?
- Yeah.
- What kind of wine?
- I don't know what kind
of you're having white wine.
- Better make that red
wine, goes better with pizza.
- Alright you're having
a glass of red wine,
now this beautiful
French girl walks in
stops at your table.
Now you're going to
have to say something
to catch her attention.
- Right.
- What are you going to say?
- Mon pied est dans le
pomme de terre macher.
- You realize
what you just said?
- I don't know I read it on a
can of sardines somewhere.
- You just said your foot
is in the mashed potatoes.
- Oh nothing for
me I just had a pizza.
- You also just had
a French lesson.
- Muchas gracias, senor.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat brassy dance music)
- Yesterday I saw a man
with a Japanese camera
and a Swiss watch
get into a German car
which had a bumper
sticker that read
America love it or leave it.
(brassy music)
- I wanted to advertise my
services in the yellow pages
but I didn't know
whether to list myself
under toys and games
or sporting equipment.
(brassy music)
- Strange thing happens
as election time draws near
all of a sudden your
distinguished opponent
becomes a liar and a thief.
(upbeat brassy music)
- I keep my figure
by jogging in place.
- Good how 'bout
jogging in my place.
- We found a way to more
than double the circulation
of our church publication.
In each issue we have column
called confession of the week.
- You think that J Edgar
Hoover will ever retire?
- Well let me ask
you a question,
you think you'll ever see
offshore drilling at San Clemente?
(brassy dance music)
- It's really a relief
being married.
I can finally get
some sleep at night.
- You know John I just
read about a college
where the staff plumbers make
more than the full professors.
- Wow, if this keeps up
you know the students
are gonna want to
change the three Rs
to Reading, Writing,
and Roto Rooter.
- I know a good way to solve
the school busing problem,
bus the parents out of town
and let the kids work it out.
(upbeat brassy music)
- You know,
I love sports photos,
for instance last night I
took some great action shots.
- At the stadium?
- No at the Idle Hours Motel.
- (Laughs)
Oh you know those are lovely
shoes that you're wearing.
- Thank you.
- Must have been hard
finding a blacksmith.
- I know a man who
runs an adult bookstore
and once a week a girl comes
in and dirties up the place.
- Buddy do you have a
problem with your weight?
- Not at all, Forest, I
find that if I eat regularly
and get plenty of rest
and I don't exercise
I could get as fat as I want to.
(brassy dance music)
(audience applause)
- August 6th, 1970
Howard Hughes at his
hotel room in Las Vegas
looked into his mirror
and saw nothing.
- Kids, let me give
you some advice.
There are two things
you must never do
if you intend to make
it in show business.
You must never
be late for a show
and you must
never swallow a tree.
- Permission to extinguish
the fire in the kitchen, sir.
- Give me 10 men who
are stout hearted men
and I won't bother
you again 'til noon.
- Sally you did a nude
scene in Five Easy Pieces
what was that like?
- Well, it was just like
taking a bath all by yourself
except in this case
there was no bath
and you weren't by yourself.
- Okay draw.
(gun bangs)
Well, why didn't you draw?
- Eh?
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
Poppa said to Mamma
we should all do our part
to keep our place
clean of litter.
So you know what I did?
I went all over the house and
picked up all the loose paper
and wadded it
into little teeny balls
and flung it right
out into the street.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
Miss Picket's arms
are sticking out.
- Okay men, follow me.
(marching drum beat)
- Little Fannie - Yes.
- Is Fannie your real name?
- Oh honey
everybody asks me that
and I have to tell you the truth
no it isn't it's a stage name.
My real name is posterior.
- Well George I hope you do like
your new job as doorman here,
you know this is one of the
finest apartment buildings
in New York City.
- Don't worry sir,
I'll do my best.
I certainly don't want to go
back to being a bouncer again
in the Club Kellman.
Good evening sir.
- Good evening.
- And stay out.
- The Marcus Welby cocktail,
two drinks and you
can't operate it properly.
- The astronaut cocktail,
two drinks and you
think you're on the moon.
- The Frank Gorshin cocktail,
two drinks and you
can be anybody.
- That's it gather around
folks, come right up close,
that's it, now then friends,
does the ceaseless hacking
of raucous hawking coughing
rasping and grasping result in
irritation of the delicate
membranes of your bed partner's
ears Dr Rowan's cough
catarrh and cure it's a curative
will stop all that, are there
any potential customers
anyone with a cough,
anybody's got any throat problem,
how about you sir do you
have any proud little lady,
do you have anyone with a cough.
Why here's a gentleman
right here, would you like to try
one of these wonderful
bottles of curative?
(coughing)
That's it that'll
be six dollars sir,
oh and 20 dollars for the
label little bit of corkage fee
you've got the right amount,
try that wonderful elixir sir.
Ah, you're all a witness
to it he's taken one sip
and that cough has
absolutely vanished.
Sir, tell me how does
your throat feel now?
How does your throat feel
now sir just take that out
how does it feel?
(hoarse sounds)
There you are thank you
for those kind thoughts,
now anybody else
anyone with a cough.
- Sally don't you just
hate the bigoted attitude
expressed by Archie
Bunker and All in the Family?
- Yes I do but you must
keep in mind the fact that
he's just a dumb WASP.
- Mr LaLanne I have
terrible posture problem.
- Very well now
pick your head up.
(rusty squeaking)
Now straighten up.
(rusty squeaking)
Now pull your chest out.
Throw my chest out?
(audience laughs)
- If I did that I'd be punished.
- Buddy you perform
in Las Vegas a lot.
I understand it's very
easy to lose your shirt there.
- That's right,
that's I always carry
with me a couple pasties.
- Oh that Sigmund Freud,
what a sexy fella.
Wouldn't it be great to be
married to someone like him?
Oh boy.
(serene melody)
Oh Sigmund, we've
been on our honeymoon
for three days now
and all you've done
is work on your book.
What are you writing about?
- Sex of course.
Sex is so important
that the lack of it can
produce psychotic paranoia,
resulting in abnormal
dementia of insanity.
- Oh oh then let's make love.
- With you, you think I'm crazy?
- Oh.
- Hey Buddy Hackett, baby.
You play Las Vegas a lot,
you ever see Howard Hughes?
- Many times but it's
pretty hard to recognize him
in them pasties.
- Lifeguard, lifeguard, a
sea monster just came up
out of the water and
pulled my wife under.
- Oh don't worry, he does
that every day about this time.
He'll bring her back
up in about an hour.
- But I may need her.
- He probably does too.
(bouncy, playful kazoo music)
(audience laughs)
- Totally stupid, huh?
Well we'll settle
this with guns.
(bouncy thump)
- Many people think it's
easy to appear on Laugh In
but it isn't, 'cause
it's very difficult
to spit out your lines
and swallow your
pride at the same time.
- Hi Fannie (laughs).
- Oh dear, you know what,
I went to a great
football game yesterday.
- How did it end?
- Like this. (gun bangs)
We're flora dora maidens
And we've got a
little song for you
A simple roundelay for you
So don't ignore a flora dora
What's the news
across the nation
We have taught the information
In a way we hope
will amuse, news
We just love to
give you our views
La da de da, ladies and gents
Laugh and looks at the news
With Mr Dick and Dan
(audience applause)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh In news
with Pauline Fredrick in
Washington with scoops,
Premiere Key in
Saigon with troops,
the FBI everywhere with snoops,
and Georgie Dessel in bed, oops.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- In an effort to
increase circulation,
Hugh Hefner today
decided to bring out
a children's version
of Playboy Magazine.
The first issue will feature
a revealing expose
of Jack and Jill
and a centerfold of
Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.
I can't wait for that issue.
Today Acme Pictures
announced plans to film
a low budget remake of the
monster classic King Kong.
The script calls for a
climactic final scene
in which Mickey Rooney
clad in a chimpanzee costume
and carrying a Barbie doll
climbs to the top of a pup tent
and bats away at an
attacking force of mosquitoes.
- Sounds exciting, yes.
- I tell you that's got
me on tenterhooks.
Dateline New York City,
a group of militant Jewish
housewives led by Sarah Tishman,
that's Mr Sarah Tishman,
today aligned themselves
with the women's lib
and boiled their
bras in chicken soup.
(xylophone music)
And now over to Dan
with news of the future.
- Washington, D.C.
20 years from now,
Christine Jorgensen was today
unanimously
nominated for president.
The spokesman for
her party declared,
we did it as an economy move.
With Ms Jorgensen
in the White House
we'll have one
person serving as both
president and first lady.
Now moving right along,
news of the future
20 years from now
in response to labor's
request for a shorter work week,
major industrial
concerns today proposed
that the workforce take
off Monday through Friday
and work only on
Saturday and Sunday.
The proposal was
unanimously rejected
by the labor unions who said,
what and give up our weekends?
(xylophone music)
It's what it's reported.
Canoga Park, California
20 years from now.
90 year old motorcycle
daredevil Evel Knievel
astounded his fellow residents
at the Foonman Home for the Aged
when he tried to hurdle his
wheelchair over 84 bedpans.
(laughs) (xylophone music)
- I don't like to see that.
- Neither did Evel.
- And now to the only
authority on sports
who doesn't even know the score.
Here he is, big Al.
- Hi sports fans, big Al here.
(whistle blows)
Quiver quiver you little lips.
It's bouncy bouncy time,
tonight I'm going to explain
what basketball
referee signals mean.
This means, jump ball or
good heavens my
steering wheel's missing.
(whistle blows)
Oh canaries eat your hearts out.
The next signal is this
which means hacking or foul,
or good heavens my mickey
mouse watch has disappeared.
Now when a foul is called
the referee holds up his fingers
to show the number of the player
who has committed the boo boo,
in other words this means
hey there number 22
that's a no no, or
it can also signify
I am the president
and I hope the rules
are perfectly clear.
But the best part
about basketball signals
is when you give one of
the little whistles like this.
Oh tweet on you silver tweetie.
Bye, from big Al.
Oh, I love it.
- Oh that big Al, he's
just like a teddy bear,
gone bad.
- And now with
kid news for kids,
here's Moosie Dryer in a tree
house somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Should a been with me this
afternoon we played football,
Butchie Mathis threw
me a forward pass
and I caught it
and I ran 57 yards
for a touchdown
and we almost won the game
and would a won it too
if I had run in the right
direction for my touchdown.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- News not well known
that Elias Howe, inventor
of the sewing machine
and James Watt, inventor
of the steam engine,
once had a history making
telephone conversation.
- Hello Watt.
- Yes, what.
- Howe.
- How what?
- No no, you're
Watt and I'm Howe.
- I don't know how
you are, or who.
- Not who Watt,
Howe, it's Howe here.
- It's how what there?
- No it's Watt there and I'm
Howe here, got that Watt?
- Got what where?
- Got Howe here, I'm Howe.
- So what?
- You're Watt, and you're
getting me steamed.
- Steamed, eh?
Say you've just
finished sewing the idea
for a great machine.
- Sewing?
What a marvelous
idea for a great machine.
Bye Watt.
- Okay and I'll buy Howe.
- I'm here with
one of the natives
of this equatorial
country of Cobongo.
Tell me sir, what are
the greatest dangers
the people here face.
One is the bite
of the tsetse fly,
which causes months
of prolonged agony.
- Uh huh.
- The other is poison darts
which cause
almost instant death.
- Oh, what was that?
- Well let me put
it to you this way,
you won't have to go through
months of prolonged agony.
- Well back to you Dick and Dan.
- And now Laugh In goes
back to 1837 to France
where Louis Daguerre
has invented the cameurre.
- Excuse me Mr Daguerre,
I understand because of
the slowness of the film,
your subjects have to sit
motionless for a long time
while the picture is exposed.
- Yes that is correct.
- How long does it take?
- Well for example, that
lady has been sitting there
motionless since 12.
- She's been sitting there
motionless for two hours?
- No, no you misunderstood me,
she's been sitting there
since she was 12 years old.
(audience laughs)
- You missed your shot.
- Next.
- Hi (laughs)
Busy Buzzi here in Hollywood
where it's either boom or bust.
I can reliably report
that Barbara Streisand
has agreed to do a nude
love scene in her next picture,
however because of
her extreme modesty,
she will wear a
pastie on her nose.
And that's it from tinsel
town, bye from Buzzi.
Kissy kissy.
- And that's the way it
is February 22nd 1753.
La da de da, ladies and gents
Laugh In looked at the news
- Hi, I know a family so liberal
every Tuesday night for dinner
they have extreme leftovers.
- Oh Buddy this is so
fant you know this is the ti
I know you've been up you
know you're usually in Las
you don't really
do that much tele
not that people don't I mean
I know that people
constantly they've been
I mean they are actually
they're on their hands
and actually you know
wanting you to do a to be p t
do be on to have a regular
TV thing but you're always
in Las doing a
making a hundred thou
I don't know million do
it's a every si a back stage
there's enor those
chorus you know the girls
that have they have
almost absolutely nothing
they're wear sometimes
they have a little something
but not a whole lot you know
and you might be standing
in the ba in the thing
I mean the thing is
you have such a your life
is a it's a I think somewhere
- Tell more about
them girls standing
I like to hear that part.
(kazoo music and bell dinging)
- You're a Frank
Smella, ain't ya?
- Yeah.
- You killed my
wife, didn't cha?
- Yeah.
- Don't do that no more.
(lighthearted playful flute)
- Hey guys, this
is the second time
you've had me on Laugh In.
- That's right Bud.
- Will you tell me one thing?
- What's that?
- What I ever do to you?
- Lifeguard quick, help, my
husband's out there drowning.
- I'm sorry I just
finished eating,
I can't go in the
water for another hour.
And even then I'm very cautious.
- Little Sally Struthers,
hey you know.
Son of a gun, hey you know
your show, All in the Family
has a very high
rating this year.
- Oh yeah and it'd have
an even higher rating
except that many
people don't watch it,
'cause they feel the
opinions of bias and prejudice
expressed by the
character Archie Bunker
do not present a true
picture of the real America.
- Is that so?
- Yeah and a lot of
other people don't watch it
'cause it's produced by Jews.
- You know I was so
sorry to see Laurence Welk
was dropped by the network,
if there's one thing
that television needs,
it's a lot more comedy
shows, don't you think so?
(brassy show tune music)
Johnnie Buddy Hey
you're lookin' nutty
Ain't you lookin'
really slim and svelte
Look at here Buddy Johnnie
You look pale and whiny
I been really
pullin' in the belt
Pardon while we grin
We are getting thin
They call us
Weight watchers,
that's the name for us
Weight watchers,
that's the game for us
Lena Horne just called
me up and asked for a date
Since I've been
watching my weight
You're sylph like, loads
lighter, ain't it glorious
Our life's brighter
we're victorious
Call up Candy Bergen
tell her I will be late 'cause
I'm busy watchin' my weight
Eatin' a lot Growin' a pot
Nobody knows
the trouble I've got
That was really a bore
Hip hip hooray, thinner today
All of the tonnage
is slippin' away
You call this heavy you
should have seen us before
Weight watchers,
no potatoes please
Weight watchers,
sliced tomatoes please
We are very careful
what we put on our plate
Since we've be
watchin' our weight
A diet ain't the fun
way all the critics scoff
But we are on a runway
and we're takin' it off
We're weight watchers,
and we're watchin' our weight
Paul Newman
better watch his step
Weight watchers and
we're watchin' our weight
Stay on your motorcycle
Steve McQueen
Weight watchers and
we're watchin' our weight
One more pound, hey
Weight watchers and
we're watchin' our weight
Take it off
- Well it's time to take a
look at the mod mod world.
- Not quite yet.
- What do you
mean not quite yet?
- Well you better hurry because
I have to take a bridge lesson.
- No fooling, you're
learning you play bridge?
- No I'm learning to build one.
- Why would you want
to do something like that?
- Well I wanted to
make a name for myself.
- You make a name for yourself
every time you open your mouth.
- I'd rather have one we
could use on television.
- I would too, what
is this bridge building,
so kind of correspondence
course you're taking?
- Yeah, it's one of
those combination deals.
For 12 bucks I can
become a civil engineer
and a motel manager.
- You don't even know
what a civil engineer is.
- Well I certainly
do, it's a railroad man
who's nice to his customers.
(laughter)
- Dick you'd have to
study for a long time
to become an engineer.
- I know that and I
intend to stick with it,
stick with it even if
it takes three day.
- Three whole days.
- Three whole days.
- How you gonna finish a
course like that in three days?
- I'll do it even if I have to
drop out of medical school.
- Oh a sacrifice.
- Drop right out.
- Listen is this another one
of those combination deals
where you learn how to be a
doctor and a motel manager
in 10 easy lessons?
- No no,
it's how to become a doctor
and finish high school at home.
- What started all of
this bridge building.
- Well ever since I was a
little boy in San Francisco
I had a dream.
I dreamed that someday
the San Francisco bay
there on that bay
there would be a bridge.
- San Francisco bay.
- Yeah,
and it would be a
magnificent span
arching across the
entrance to that bay.
- The golden gate.
- Good I'll use that name,
and this great bridge
would be one of the
longest in the world.
- There already is a
golden gate bridge.
- Okay I'll use a
different name, then,
and it's great
towers would rise.
- Hold it, hold it.
There already is a bridge
across the San Francisco bay.
- There is?
- Yes.
- Well then I'll take tap
dancing lessons instead.
Not up his nose
he would (laughs)
- I've heard enough of that,
let's look at the mod
world of nutrition and health.
- There is goes again.
- A mighty bridge.
(audience applause)
- I would like to
remind Mr Martin
that a person without taste
is like a person without teeth.
He is much easier to take
when he keeps his mouth shut.
- Alright that's fine,
now Mr Hackett
now let's see if we
can't do something
about that little tum tum there
would you lie down
on the mat please.
Atta boy, that's the spirit,
now just stretch
out fine, now sit up.
I'll hold your legs
down for you, ready?
Sit up.
Wait just a minute, Johnnie?
Would you hold
down Mr Hackett's leg?
- Sure I will.
- He worked out, look at him.
(audience laughs)
Sit up.
Wait just a minute we'll
get a little more help.
Ruth, Ann, would you
girls give us a hand here
with Mr Hackett on that
shoulder if you don't mind.
Okay here we go now, sit up.
Well just a minute,
just a minute, Larry, Lily.
- Do I have to do it again?
- Yeah we'll do it.
Would you get on this side
of the shoulder over here.
Okay everybody
together now, sit up.
(everyone groans)
Now down.
That's fine, now one more time.
Everybody sit up.
(groans)
Now down.
Very good.
- I knew I could do it.
- Hey here's a great way
to build up your muscles
while throwing horseshoes.
Leave them on the horse.
- A health food
salad is something
that if you see it
on a plate you eat it,
if you saw it on your
lawn, you'd spray it.
(kettle drums pounding)
- Jack, what's the best
way to lose weight?
- Well touch your
toes 100 times.
- Is that before or after meals?
- Instead of.
- You know every morning
I chin myself 10 times.
- Sure, once for each
chin, right chubs?
- I owe everything to exercise,
it killed my last husband
and I got his insurance.
- In six weeks I can
give you a body like mine
but you gotta listen.
- My Harry worked out
with weights 15 hours a day
and in just one week he
was four feet across the chest
three feet across the shoulders
and six feet under the ground.
- You know it used to
be that an apple a day
could keep the doctor away.
Of course that was
before they started
spraying them with DDT.
- [All] One two one two
one two one two one two.
- Don't worry
We'll help you
miss, don't worry.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- [All] One two one two.
- I suppose the kids
might like that joke
but what are the rest
of us going to watch?
- Mr LaLanne, you
know I have this problem
I have a very large chest
but my legs are so thin.
- You know I had another
student with the very same problem
and I set her up a
program of exercise
and we transferred
the excess weight
from her chest to her legs.
- Well how does she look?
- She looks great except
she has to wear her
brassier on her knees.
- My doctor told me I
had to jog five miles a day
in order to save my marriage.
- Did it work?
- No, one day I only
jogged three miles,
came home early caught
the doctor with my wife.
- I knew a man who took
vitamins every day of his life
for 135 years and they
didn't do him a bit of good.
- I want a fantastic physique,
what do you recommend?
- Reincarnation.
- Hi honey, doing push ups?
- I'm just about to break my
all time record.
One.
I did it.
- Waiting to see
one of the doctors?
- Yeah, it's my shoulder it
it's kind of a twinge
in my left shoulder
with a severe throbbing pain.
- Aha, I know
what it is already.
- What?
- It's a severely throbbing
left shoulder twinge.
- I just said that.
- You see I was right.
Yet I, who diagnosed
with the best
must finish sweeping this floor
for years I have wanted
to become a surgeon.
- Why didn't you?
- I have to finish
sweeping the floor.
- Well mighty bridge builder,
how'd you like the mod
world of nutrition and health?
- Well reminded me that I
have to take my vitamins.
- You take vitamins?
- Every one from A to U.
- U, I've never heard of U.
- Well I've heard of you,
you're Dan Rowan of Rowan
and what's his name's Laugh In.
(inspirational music rising)
And someday that bridge
is going to be there,
I'm going to build it.
(audience applause)
- Dick is funny, but
Dan is really funny.
- You know I went to a
tennis game last week
and saw an incredible set.
I was sitting next
to Raquel Welch.
- Speaking of Pittsburgh,
I had to be there one time
and I called the house to see
how my dog was gettin' along
and the housekeeper said
that dog don't eat
when you're not here,
I said why don't you take
an article of my clothing,
something that I worn
that had the smell of me,
put it near the dog's
dish with the food in it,
let the dog discover
the dish by himself,
don't tell him
come here food, no.
Now, he'll sniff my
shirt, he'll smell the food,
he'll associate the
two and he'll eat.
I came home two weeks later
and there was a very
skinny dog wearing my shirt.
- Sally Struthers,
baby, hey listen
I heard the John Birch
society wants to stage a debate
between Barry Goldwater
and William Buckley,
to show both ends of
the political spectrum.
- Yeah, right wing
and extreme right wing.
- Now here's a
commercial we shot.
Unfortunately it lived.
- Do people drown here often?
- Oh usually just about once.
- You ain't never gonna
call me fatso again.
(gun bangs)
- You're right, fatso.
(kazoo music)
(audience laughter)
- Buddy what makes
you talk so funny?
- About 50,000 a week.
I don't wanna the real
amount, it would be rude.
- Someone wrote in asked
a question about Ruth Buzzi
now I don't propose to
answer every question.
(clanking) (whistling)
- Well how you do you like it?
- Well now that has to be the
dumbest thing I've ever seen.
- Well the dumbest
thing I've ever seen
is a man trying to
smoke a buffalo.
- No I mean this outfit.
- That's dumb.
- It's not as dumb as that,
now what possible
reason can a person have
for wearing a suit
of armor today.
- Well I could have
several good reasons.
I could be wearing
it for a friend.
- Yes?
- I could be the world's
worst high jumper.
- You probably are.
- Or even the world's
lousiest cat burglar.
- Make sense.
- How 'bout a giant percolator?
- Oh come on.
- Fancy garbage can?
- Look.
- Step on my foot see
if my head opens up.
- I'm gonna (laughs).
Now what did you
buy a thing like that for?
- Well I was goin'
to go skin diving.
- Well it's a good
thing you didn't
you'd a gone
right to the bottom.
- Well isn't that where
you're supposed to go?
- Just take it off.
- What do you mean take it off?
What do you expect
me to enter the contest
without a suit of armor?
- What contest?
- Well the Wilbur Nurn memorial
porcupine catching contest.
- The Wilbur Nurn,
who was Wilbur Nurn?
- Last years winner (laughs).
- And it's a memorial is it.
Now why would
anyone want to enter
a porcupine catching contest?
- Well for the prize mostly.
- What's the prize?
- Well it's a fabulous
and fun filled week
in the intensive care
ward of the mayo clinic.
- It must a little hard
to catch a porcupine.
- You think that's
hard try letting go.
- What do you do
after you catch one?
- Well you try to make
it to the ambulance
before you lose consciousness.
- Does every body in the
contest wear one of these suits?
- Nope last year some
nut tried to do it nude.
- Who was he?
- Nobody's found out yet you see
ever since then he's
been just running around
in circles screaming (screams).
- We just run around
to the quickies.
- Miss Wagner would you
step in here a moment please.
- Yes sir.
- Would you take a letter?
- Of course.
(popping sound)
- Now personally that doesn't
strike me as very amusing.
- Hey you know what
you get when you cross
a dentist with a kleptomaniac?
Well you get a professional man
who will steal your eye teeth.
- Hello, welcome to
Buddy's toy and trick shop.
- Hello there, I
bought this as a
25th wedding anniversary
present for my wife
but she didn't care for it
so I'd like my money back.
- What is it?
- It's one of those
water faucets
that you stick on your
forehead, you know it
- So it looks like you a -
It's really funny but she
- And she didn't?
- No.
- Oh well here's
your money back.
- Thank you (snapping sound)
- Would you sign the
refund slip please?
Here just take that.
(squirting sound)
- Oh for heavens sake.
- By the way our jackpot is
now up to the $50,000 limit,
so the next call will
be to my mother.
- I'm really angry now.
- Oh well can't you
take - I'm angry.
- Take a little joke, here
have a glass of water,
you'll calm down and you'll feel
- But I'm angry.
- Have some water.
(gurgling noise)
- I met a girl last night
and fell head under
heels in love with her.
- Want my money
back or I'll call
the better business bureau.
- Here for heaven's sake,
you wanna call them, call them,
use my phone.
- Alright fine thank you.
(exploding noise)
- And now preceding
Yolanda and her flaming bear
here's our special
guest of the week.
The Atlantic Ocean.
(splashing)
Thank you very much, good night.
- Same one you gave me before.
- No it's a different one,
here shake hands
it's a good year.
(buzzing)
- This whole thing in ridiculous
I'm never gonna
shop here again you.
- Turn this in for a minute.
(spring boing) (screaming)
- Oh I hate when the
mean people come in here.
- I've got a very
important mission for you
I want you to get these
plans across the enemy line.
Think you can do it?
- Sure I'll make it.
(gun shot)
- Close.
Very close.
(tinkling piano music)
(popping)
(audience laughter)
- I know a man so patriotic
he'll admit Columbus was Italian
but he says his
parents were American.
- How much is that 1938 penny?
- That's a quarter.
- Okay I'm gonna take it.
- Hey, this is a 1932 quarter.
- How much is it worth?
- $16,000
- I'll take it.
- A horse a horse, my
kingdom for a horse.
- Now what do you
need a horse for?
- You wouldn't send a knight out
on a dog like this would you?
(laughs) I got you.
(farcical vaudeville music)
- Lifeguard quick help, my
boyfriend is out there drowning.
- Well I guess that means
you'll be free tonight, huh?
Or at least reasonable.
- Okay you ready?
- Yeah let me
warm up a little first.
(gun bangs)
Right in the middle,
okay now you try it.
(gun bangs)
- Right in the middle.
(silly xylophone music)
- Sally, what's the
first thing you did
when you found out that you
were going to be on Laugh In?
- I jumped in my car
and ran over my agent.
- Hello friends,
this is chaplain Bud Homily
with this word for all those
within earshot of my lips
remember a stitch
in time saves nine.
- How come Dennis
Allen always looks
like he has to go potty?
- [Announcer] And
now, stranger than truth.
- In World War II
Sergeant Brian Panitch
carried a treasured
cigarette lighter with
him throughout the entire
European campaign.
But somewhere near the end
of the war the lighter was lost.
25 years later, in search
of the treasured memento,
Mr Panitch returned to Europe
and retraced every
step of his campaign
until one day in a small
village in southern Italy,
he finally came
across the lighter
where it had lain all this time
in his pants pocket.
- [Announcer] This has
been stranger than truth.
(jazzy piano music)
(glass breaking)
- Well it's time
to do a little cheer
it's time to do a little bit
(siren wailing)
we'll have to do it later
'cause now it's time to quit.
- Oh, honey, did you
hear about the man
who held up Woolworth's?
- No what about him?
- They sentenced him to
five and 10 cents in Sing Sing.
(piano music)
- Dry martini please.
- Just a just a
see let me talk to the chef.
There's a gorilla down
there and he wants a martini,
what do I do?
- Sell him one,
look business is
lousy, charge him extra,
what does a gorilla know?
- Yes sir, one martini.
- All I got is a 10.
- Yeah
and
here's your dollar change.
You know we don't get too
many gorillas coming in here.
- I shouldn't wonder
with martinis at $9 a drink.
- Howdy, what do you
think of my 10 gallon hat?
(gun bangs)
- I think you're a quart low.
- Fannie.
- Yes.
- Would you trade places
with Martha Mitchell?
- No sweetheart,
I'd like to get out of
show business for a change.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- And not a moment too soon,
I don't want to be late
for my tennis lessons.
- Everybody knows you're not
really interested in tennis.
- You bet your
big back hand I am
just yesterday I learned
an old russian serve.
- What's an old russian serve?
- Usually borscht with a
little vodka on the side.
- Just day good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Mother.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hi and good bye to you, Dick.
- Hey Bud.
- Hey why do kangaroos
hop up and down?
- Because when they
hop to side to side
they don't get anywhere.
- I've just taken
up rabbit watching.
- You've just taken
up rabbit watching
you must mean bird watching.
- No I do mean rabbit watching,
you see my wife
just quit taking the pill.
- He found out a way to
phone anywhere in the world
without costing you a penny.
- How does he do it?
- He comes over and
uses my phone, Dan
(laughter)
- I remember that time.
Hey what was the darkest
night in history, John?
- Sir Lancelot
Roosevelt Calhoun.
- (whoops) How come Dr
Barnhard hasn't performed
any transplants lately, Rich?
- I don't know, he just
doesn't have the heart for it.
(laughter)
- What do you get if
you cross a hip song
by Simon and Garfunkel
with Lake Eerie.
- I don't know, what?
- Bridge over
troubled beer cans.
- The anti pollution campaign
is sweeping the country.
Now if someone would just
start sweeping the streets.
- I know a girl who took
a Chinese fertility pill
and she gave birth
to a ping pong team.
- This show has been pre
recorded but not premeditated.
(kazoo music)
(clapping)