Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript
(wacky music)
- Because their first script
has been classified top secret,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
will not be seen tonight.
- Here's script one, go ahead.
- Thank you.
Correction, Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
will be seen tonight.
Uh, thank you mister Ellsworth.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
may I say that in previous
years I have overlooked many
instances of tastelessness.
However, if I see one
single thing that is not tasteful
on the program this year,
I definitely plan to drop out.
(slide whistle)
We are not off
to a tasteful start.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, the
excitement time, huh?
- This is it, huh?
- Yeah, fifth season,
getting going again.
- Fifth?
- Oh yeah.
- Is this the fifth season?
- Certainly.
- I thought it was the 10th.
- Just speeded
right along didn't it?
- Yeah, when do we
catch up with Gunsmoke?
- Oh, pretty soon.
Do you know what's
gonna happen tonight?
- What?
- We start off this season
with a super star.
- Who?!
- Our first guest, - Who?
- You're not gonna believe it.
- Tell me!
- Raquel Welch.
- Oh, well naturally,
she followed me here.
- She followed you?
- Oh, she's crazy about me.
- Raquel Welch is
crazy about you?!
- See, everyone's
talking about it.
- Yeah, I'll tell ya.
Here's the lady
everybody's talking about,
the one and only, -
The one and only?
- Miss Raquel Welch.
- Ah!
(grand entrance music
and audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
(audience laughing)
- She's a really crazy
about you, isn't she Dick?
- Well she's down there
lookin' for me somewhere.
- Uh, Mrs. Mitchell, recently
you had a disagreement
with the supreme court
and made some rather
strong recommendations
about the men on the bench.
- They aren't
really that strong.
All I said was, I hoped the day
would come when I could say,
There goes the judge
There goes the judge
- Once again, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank,
Marriage Bureau
and swap shop, NBC,
the Now Be Careful broadcasters,
cast broccoli about for
an excuse to overlook
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the right-on Dan Rowan.
(funk music)
And the moron, Dick Martin!
(audience applauding)
And tonight's guest
star, Raquel Welch!
And Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin!
With Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Anne Elder, Barbara Sharma,
and the new kid who just
escaped from Hogan's Heroes,
Richard Dawson, and Larry Hovis.
(funk music)
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
author of the new book,
Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know About Fear,
But Have Been Afraid to Ask.
But, first this (mumbling)
- Here Madge, have a
peanut butter sandwich.
- Oh, oh well, I wish I
could, I really do, I, you know,
my dentures, I'm afraid,
peanut butter and everything.
- Oh Madge, I was like
that too till I tried a tube
of Denture Stuck.
And now watch
this, (Madge gasping)
(crunching sounds)
- Oh, your right, Betty,
those dentures really stick.
- Very funny, very,
very, very funny.
(comical music)
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
back for their fifth season,
though it only seems like
12, two real wrong numbers,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- Thank you, again.
- We better better get
some guards. (laughing)
- They have some more and more.
You're very nice,
thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- You know Dick...
- Sure, I know Dick.
He's a tall fella.
You gotta bad problem with a...
- I know, he's got
several bad problems.
I think it's time you exhibited
more interest
in current affairs.
- Well, I'm not
supposed to tell you this,
but Harvey the makeup
man, has been foolin' around
with the wardrobe lady.
- That's no the kind of
current affairs I'm talking about.
- Oh, well, it's a
pretty good one.
- I'm talking about
important national issues.
- Yeah.
- The country's facing
quite a number of
economic problems,
unemployment, taxes, inflation,
- High cost of loving.
- That's living.
- It certainly is.
(both laughing)
- Easy for you to joke
about these things,
you don't have
to deal with them.
But, what would you be
doing if you were the president?
- Uh, ah, a whole lot of this.
- Yeah, well, we've
seen that bravado.
But, what are you doing
about the economy?
- Well give me time will ya?
I've only been in
office two minutes.
- Oh, now come on Dick.
- Dick?!
Dick, nobody calls
me that, but Mr. Agnew.
- You know, it' s obvious,
you don't understand
a single political issue.
- Oh, is that so?
Well, I laugh on your lapel, ha!
- What does that mean?
- I happen to be a
political ath-ro-to.
- Authority?
- That's it, just
ask me anything.
- Alright, what would
you do about inflation?
- Raise it.
- Well it's too high already.
- Then I'd lower it.
- Well it's gotta be
one or the other.
You...
- That's what is say.
In economics, you
gotta be flexible.
- Yeah.
What do you think
about unemployment?
- Well, it beats working.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, there's millions
of people out of work.
How would you get them jobs?
- Simple.
Nobody thinks
about these things.
That's the problem today.
- What's your solution?
- Well, you just send
millions of people on vacation,
and just like that, you
got all the jobs you need.
Hu-huh. See?
- Well what happens
when all the people
on vacation come back?
- That's their problem.
It serves them right
for laying around
on the beach when they should
of been working
like everyone else.
(audience laughing)
- Somehow I don't think
you're going to be much help
to the president.
He has dreadful
problems, polluted air,
crime in the streets,
inadequate housing.
- Gee, you'd think a
man like that could afford
to live in a better
neighborhood.
- Dick, the president
lives in Washington D.C.
- You'd think a man
like that could afford
to live in a better
neighborhood.
(audience laughing)
- Doesn't it bother you to
make yourself look so foolish?
Not only on television, but
in front of our live audience,
here in the studio, this...
- Hey, for goodness sakes.
- Yeah.
- That is a, what's a nice
lookin' group like you doing
at a show like this?
- As a matter of fact,
they are very nice.
Look at them.
Well dressed, well behaved,
- Hey, I tell you what.
Let's show them on camera, huh?
- Why not?
(crowd scuffling)
- Burbank audiences are the
greatest audiences in the world!
(audience applauding)
Thank you everybody!
(doorbell ringing)
- Who is it?
- Mailman.
(giggling)
- Oh the mailman's here!
Oh, oh, you got anything for me?
Huh, what do yo say?
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Pat Morita, (giggling)
Tell me, why do Japanese
people sit on the floor
when they eat?
- Well, we tried
sitting on the walls,
but we kept sliding down.
(slide whistle)
- Lost, and uncooked
chicken with hoof marks on it.
Will the finder please
contact the Galloping Gourmet.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Buffalo Bob, you've
had some great success
working with a puppet.
- Well, I sure have.
(hollow knocking)
Knock on wood.
- This land is my land.
This land is your land.
And that's a brief history
of the American Indian.
- My name is Edith Ann.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what?
Momma said, if Buster
don't eat his dog food,
he don't get nothing to
eat, and he don't like it.
So I have to get up at
night and eat it for him.
Then I go to the fridgerator
and get him lima beans,
he likes them best.
And that's the truth.
- The life of Billy
Graham, taketh one.
(knocking)
- It's me, Gladys.
Can I see you Miss Welch?
- Yeah, sure Gladys, come on it.
- Oh, it's wonderful
to be able to see you,
I know how busy you are.
- You better believe it.
Oh how can I be a
little bit more like you
Miss Welch
How can you do the
glamorous things I do
Oh please tell me
Well Gladys dear
I'm no magician
But I have a sneaking suspicion
We should start out with
a lesson on how to walk
Walk Walk, gotta
learn to walk Walk
Yeah, try a sexy walk Walk
Will my walk make the
men believe I'm sublime
Miss Welch
Raquel, work and
sweat and incredible luck
and time, will tell
Um now lets try
a sexy expression
Oh, lick my lips and
love is in session
Lets go back to the
lesson on how to walk, huh
Walk Walk Look,
hey, try a little lipstick
Oh, try some lipstick
A dab or two of perfume
Dab some perfume
Try a little powder Yeah
And a lot of eyelash
I am now the sensuous women
Walk, walk, walk, walk
How can I have a
figure as good as yours
Miss Welch Raquel
One that loids Of London,
sometimes it shores
Raquel Miss Welch
Well look, exercise,
yoga, and fasting
Facelift, transplant,
dynamite blasting
Men will faint when I
walk through the door
One quick look and
they'll be on the floor
Now that I'm just a
little bit more like you
Raquel
Now that you're just
a little bit more like me
Come on Gladys,
let's get it together.
- Okay, this is really wonderful
- Whoo, oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry Raquel.
I've never saw
one of those before.
- Well, it's a bra.
- What's it for?
- Well, in the winter
when it gets very cold,
you can wear it over your ears.
- Oh.
But, I can't hear anything.
- That's another reason
why you don't need one.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Welch have I got it?
- Yes and I think
I've got it too.
- Swing hard, swing
your arm, harder,
really, that's it, now
we just gotta find a park.
(audience laughing)
- You see they
call me Buffalo Bob,
because I'm from
Buffalo, New York.
- Gee, I really feel
sorry for my brother.
He's from Elizabeth, New Jersey.
- Now a special feature,
we bring you
directly from Saigon,
a top Vietnamese
military figure,
General Udoduck.
- Idoduck.
- General, the hochimen
trail, is that serious problem?
- Only during rush hours.
(audience laughing)
- The big issue right
now is Vietnamization,
do you think it's working?
- Absolutely.
- What makes you so certain?
- Well, a year ago, I was Irish.
- General, how long
will you need American
fighting men
defending your country?
- My country?
I thought is was your country.
- Obscene phone call
for Helen Dweleger.
Obscene phone call
for Helen Dweleger.
- [Women] I'll take it!
- Nevermind, it's for me.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Mitchell do
you think you'll see
a democratic president in 1972?
- Certainly.
- Really?
- Of course.
Lyndon Johnson's coming
to our New Year's party.
(laughing)
- Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arres-(laughing)
I sure wish you wouldn't
slam the door on my line.
Could you find
another way to do that?
- Take four.
- Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a (door slamming)
suspicious character.
(both laughing)
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a suspicious character.
(door slamming)
- (laughing) What?
- Cover four.
- Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank... (laughing)
(slate clapping)
We gotta proceed to
the Bank of Burbank
and arrest a
suspicious character.
(laughing)
(door slamming)
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a suspicious character.
- (laughing) Why?
Is he gonna rob the bank?
- Get out of the car.
(laughing)
- Take four.
- Quick, we gotta proceed
to the Bank of Bur...
(both laughing)
Get out and leave me alone.
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and
a... (officer laughing)
Really, I really wanted to try
and do it this time. (laughing)
Get out of here.
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a suspicious character.
(door slamming)
- Why, is he trying
to rob the bank?
- No, he tried to
make a deposit.
(everyone on set
laughing and cheering)
Right.
They said it couldn't be done.
- Moving right along,
we'd like you to meet...
- Just hold it there.
- What?
- This is where I start my
mystery person contest.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Of course not!
That's the idea.
And here's the mystery
person! (laughing)
(entrance music and applauding)
Alright now mystery person,
give us tonight's clue!
- Wait, a clue,
who needs a clue?
The man is obviously...
- Shh! Don't give it away!
Now, go ahead Johnny.
(audience laughing)
- May the bird of
paradise fly over the NBC
and dive into the commissary,
hopefully the cheese dip.
(hosts laughing)
- Now, the first person
who correctly identifies
the mystery
person, will receive,
(trumpets sounding)
- Two free passes
to Roman Gabriel.
- Oh swell.
- Dinner for two
at your own home
and a free trip
around Kate Smith.
(drum rimshot)
- That's a one way trip friends.
We're not made of money.
(drum rimshot)
- All entries will be
kept strictly confidential
and will be published
in the New York Times.
- And in case prizes,
duplicate ties will be awarded.
- Thank you mystery person.
See you next week!
(drum roll and a sting)
(audience applauding)
Well, what do you think?
- What do I think?
I think your contest is stupid.
I think your stupid,
the whole thing is stupid.
And the first place, you
didn't even tell people
where to write.
- Well, I don't
want their old mail.
What do you think, I'm stupid?
- Well you're gonna get mail
whether you want it or not.
Everybody knows we do
the show at NBC in Burbank,
zip code 91505.
- So does Flip Wilson.
What do I care if a guy
sits around in a dress
and high heels all day and
gets a lot of stupid letters?
Goodnight Johnny!
(funny kazoo music)
(crashing)
(funny kazoo music)
- Here are some
more useful safety tips
that could well
help you to live.
Avoid getting into a
stall shower naked,
if there is already
a king cobra in it.
- Yes, what is it?!
- [Pilot] I'm in
serious trouble.
I'm coming in, I
don't have any fuel,
I don't have any lights,
I don't have any landing gear.
What should I do?!
- Well, the first
thing is aim away
from this tower. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Ha ha!
Alone at last.
- Everything I have is yours.
- Oh, that's marvelous.
Oops!
Hey, this is real cute.
What size shoes you take?
Nothing gaudy, maybe
some green satin.
(audience laughing)
- I was wondering,
what vows would
the flying nun have to take?
- Well, there's
poverty, chastity,
- And no buzzing
the church steeple.
(audience laughing)
(spring sounds)
- Oh, no, no!
No, no, no Harold don't!
Oh, see you knocked
yourself out again?
- A friend of mine
eats 16 dill pickles
every night before
he goes to bed.
I said, now dummy,
why do you do that?
He said, if I eat
anymore I get sick.
(audience laughing)
(hosts mumbling)
- Hi guys!
- Hi Al!
- Oh, hi Al.
Would you hold this a second?
- Oh, it's a cute.
- Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
this clock has been set
to go off at various
times during the show.
Now none of us has any
idea when it will go off.
- But, when it does,
whoever's on camera
will be soaked with water.
- Aha! Are you trying to tell me
that when the alarm
goes off, whoever happens
to be on camera
at the time, - Yeah.
(Al laughing)
- gets hit with water?
(Al laughing)
- That's the general idea.
- Oh, it'll never work,
it's just another stupid
Dick and Dan laugh-in idea.
It'll never work.
Here's your stupid clock.
- Here's another safety tip.
Don't throw hot
sukiyaki in the face
of a 300 pound sumo wrestler.
We're the dimpled dollies
In the laugh-in follies
Oooooo, aaa-aaaaa-aaaaah
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-in looks at the news
Here's Dan and Dick
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer] And
here's the Laugh-In news
with Buck Jones
in Texas in chaps,
Tom Jones in Wales on laps,
Shirley Jones in
Hollywood under wraps,
Lady Jones in bed between naps,
and Jack Jones in
Vegas shooting craps.
And here are Dick and Dan.
- First, here's Dick with
news headlines of the present.
- New York, it was
revealed today that plans
to re-run the Walter
Cronkite news
during Mr. Cronkite's
vacations were cancelled
when CBS realized it would
mean re-invading Cambodia
during Thanksgiving
and Christmas.
(audience laughing)
Paris, a famous french
exterminator, Pierre Cossette,
recently lived for two months
on nothing but DDT pills
to prove that they are not
harmful to the human system.
Everything went
well until this morning,
while putting on his
pants, his fly died.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan] That's bad news...
- And now for news of
the future, here's Dick.
- I'm Dan.
- Well you better do
the news of the future
because Dick isn't here.
- He left some time ago.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
Washington, with the Vietnam
War now over for some 15 years,
the congress today turned
its attention once again
to finding some way to
end the Paris peace talks.
(audience laughing)
News of the Future,
20 years from now.
Mrs. Reuben ended her marriage
today to Doctor David Reuben,
author of several
well-known sex books.
When asked why she divorced
her husband after 40 years
of marriage, she replied,
it's something I've always
wanted to do, but up till
now I've been afraid to ask.
(audience laughing)
- And now, here's a guy
with a natural bent for sports,
and I think it's time
he straightened up.
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Al.
- Hiya sports fans, Big Al here.
(whistle blowing)
Ah, it tickles my lips,
but I love it. Hahaha.
Tonight gang, I'll explain some
of the football referee signals,
for all you un-informed
ding-dongs out there.
(whistle blowing)
Ah, I did it again.
I gotta stop doing that, it's
gonna drive me teaspoons.
Here's the first signal.
You could add a little
something if you like.
It's incomplete pass
and it's also great
for drying your nails.
(whistle blowing)
Ah, ah, my lips
are getting dizzy.
Here's a cute one.
This means off sides or
I suppose it could mean,
hi Mr. Quarterback, new in town?
(whistle blowing)
And finally, this one.
I'm not exactly
sure what it means,
but it goes great with,
I'm Alabamy bound
No hebeejeebez...
(audience laughing)
No hoobeedoobees I am...
(clock alarm ringing)
Ah! Not the water!
I can't swim.
- And now for kid
news, kid news for kids.
We take you to Moosie
Drier in the tree house,
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Well, Butchy Nath is gonna
be on crutches for a long time.
Last night we slept
in the tree house
and I didn't know he
walked in his sleep.
And another thing, Freddy
Palmer's father is sore at him.
See, Freddy let his
pet snake out of the box
and we looked every
place and couldn't find him.
But, Freddy's mother
found him when she opened
the glove department of her car.
Garage says the car will
be fixed in about a week.
Doctor says Freddy's mother
will be fixed in about a month.
And the veterinarian says
the snake will be straightened
out in about a year.
Back to you Dick and Dan!
- And now for the
British view of the news,
we switch you to
our man in London,
come in London.
- Steve West from London
here, in a typical english pub,
among a group of friendly
warm hearted Britishers.
Excuse me sir.
(painful yell)
- Do me a favor,
you ruined my shot.
I am sorry about
that your majesty.
- I'd just like to ask
you a few questions.
- I never saw that
geezer's wallet.
- No, I'm not a policeman,
I'm a reporter from America.
- Oh, smashing, ripping.
What are they doing
in the colonies then?
- Smashing and ripping.
Tell me, is it true
that the royal family
is in financial trouble?
- No, nope.
Prince Phillip was
only talkin' about
that this morning while
he was doing his laundry.
- So there is a
financial problem?
And that's why the British
have sold the Queen Mary,
London Bridge,
and her art treasures.
- Uh, well, yes, yes and all
through that is an outrage,
or bloomin' mercenaries
snapping up our treasured
relics with their
grubby dollars.
I resent it, as a loyal
Britisher, I do resent it.
And I take an oath
on this lovely watch
that my dad gave
me on his deathbed.
- That is a handsome watch.
- You like it? It's a heirloom.
I'll let you have it for 50
bob, I got six more over...
- Back to you now, Dan and Dick.
- Chicago, in gratitude
for the FBI's no longer
using the word mafia.
The mafia announced
today it would no longer
use the word FBI.
(audience laughing)
For follow-up on that item,
we go to Pauline Rederick
at the Federal Bureau
of Investigation.
- Pauline Rederick here.
Sir there was a
movement in the FBI
to eliminate the word mafia.
What is the reason for this?
- Uh, there is a certain
ethnic minority associated
with that word and
blameless ethnic people
from a background, a
specific ethnic background,
have unfortunate
connotations with that.
- And is that your reason
for not saying the word mafia?
- Well, that's half of it.
- What's the other half?
- Well I don't want
the mafia to get me.
- Its new recruitment program,
the United States Army
has adopted Madison
Avenue techniques.
Let's look at one of the
new army commercials.
- Okay, army
commercial, take two.
(slate clapping)
(sultry piano music)
- Hi guys.
Come one, come all,
and bring your bayonet
to the nearest friendly
enlistment center.
All ages welcome, from 18 to 36.
Transportation furnished
free by GI army boots,
operated by you yourself.
Get in early and avoid the rush
and the federal penitentiary.
Remember, Uncle Sam wants you.
Don't make him come and get you.
Wait for me, I'll get you.
(Dick giggling)
- Where you going?
Over there Over there
- Now to our man in
nationalist China, in Taiwan.
- Here in Taiwan, I'm speaking
to Generalissimo Chang Xi Tsec.
General, has the
easing of tensions
between the United
States and mainland China
made any changes
in your battle plans?
- No, my battle plans
same as always.
Today, Taiwan.
Tomorrow, Taiwan.
- John and I have
an understanding.
I don't tell him how to
run the justice department
and he doesn't tell me how
to run the rest of the country.
- And that's the way it is,
Thursday, September 10th, 1936
Ladies and gents
Laugh-in looked at the news
(women giggling)
(audience laughing)
- Buffalo Bob, I guess
after all these years
of working with Howdy,
you've begun to think
of him as a real person.
- Well, no, he hasn't,
but I've begun to think
of him as a real dummy.
- Raquel you must be
tired of being a sex symbol.
- What'd he say?
- Oh, he said I must be
tired of being a sex symbol.
- That's funny, I never thought
of Dan as being a sex symbol.
Now you on the other hand.
- Wait a minute, I've had all
that kind of stuff up to here.
- Would you do that again?
- Why?
- I can't wait to see what
you're up to next. (laughing)
- I have a better idea.
Let's go see what they're
up to at the cocktail party.
- I'm with you.
- Oh, terrific, Dan you
can come along too.
- Good.
(funk music and applauding)
- They've got a new
japanese car now,
there are only
four moving parts.
- So?
I've got an american car
with only four moving parts.
Unfortunately, it's
supposed to have 306.
(funk music and laughing)
- You know that ping pong
tournament really worked out
well with red China, didn't it?
- I'll say, I hear the
president is thinking
of putting a net across
the Paris peace tables.
(funk music and laughing)
- Wouldn't it be something
if we win the war in Vietnam
and then find out the
Vietcong are trying
for two out of three?
(funk music and laughing)
- Well, Spiro Agnew
is the only man I know
who could accidentally cut
somebody else while he's shaving.
(funk music and laughing)
- How'd you like to have
some dinner after the show?
- Oh, I'd love to,
but I'm all tied up.
(funk music and laughing)
- Do you Americans
realize you're raising
a whole generation of school
children who think Civil Rights
is something you have
to take a bus to get to?
(funk music and laughing)
- The south Vietnamese
haven't quite learned
the democratic election process.
True, we always
announce the results,
but aren't you supposed
to hold the election first?
(funk music and laughing)
- I say if God meant us to
be drafted, we would've been
born with a craving for
chipped beef on toast.
(funk music and laughing)
- Did you know that
scientists are trying
to have babies in test tubes?
- I guess it's a good idea,
but how do they get the
scientists in the test tube?
(funk music and laughing)
- And I understand that
the tourists at Disneyland
consume tons of food and drink.
I wonder what they
do with all the garbage?
- Oh, probably the
same thing we do,
dump it in Tomorrowland
and let somebody
else worry about it.
(funk music and laughing)
- You know, in my opinion
it's time we allowed priests
to get married.
I mean up till now all they've
ever known about is heaven.
(funk music and laughing)
- You know postal
rates are getting so high,
some people can't
even afford to write in
and complain about them.
(funk music and laughing)
- I know some people who
gave up cigarettes a year ago
and it's made nervous
wrecks out of them.
- Who?
- ABC, NBC, and CBS.
(funk music and laughing)
- Why don't you come up to
my place and we'll tie one on?
- But, I don't drink.
- Who said anything
about drinking?
(funk music and laughing)
(audience applauding)
- This show was pre-recorded,
because if it weren't I'd
be standing here right now
without anything to say.
- Uh, Mr. Buffalo, I
was in London you see,
I don't know anything
about Howdy Doody.
- Well, it was very simple.
One person did all the talking
and the rest were all dummies.
- That sounds like Don
Rickles nightclub act.
- On TV horror theater tonight,
the invisible man
will not be seen.
- Oh, Mr. Bob Smith,
would you marry me?
- Well, you don't even know me.
Why would you want
me to marry you?
- Because I want a home
where the buffalo roams.
- Dick, what would you say to
a woman in the White House?
- I'd say we better get out
of here before the
Nixons get home.
(laughing)
- I predict that the number
of habitual cigarette
smokers will continue
to drop significantly.
While those who go on smoking,
will just continue
to drop. (laughing)
- Tonight, a Laugh-In exclusive,
- Hold it.
- Right here.
- Hold it.
- Right here.
- Hold it!
What's going on?
- Well, I promised you something
big for the opening show.
This is it.
- Something big?
- Right.
You remember the
Pentagon papers?
- Well, of course I remember,
you have the
Pentagon papers here?
- Bigger than that.
- Bigger than...
- We have Pucci pizza papers.
- The what?
- Tonight!
I didn't mean to wake you up.
Tonight, Laugh-In rips the veil
of secrecy - Certainly
must be exciting.
- Off another
government scandal,
and here to tell you about
it is the woman whose life
was ruined by the revelation
of the Pucci pizza papers,
Mrs. Pietro Pucci.
- Pucci?
- Bonjourno.
- Wait a minute, now
what kind of scandal
could involve a pizza?
- Shh, let her tell,
let her tell the story.
Mrs. Pucci, suppose you
begin right back at the beginning.
- Ah, well I was born in a
little town right outside Milan,
and my father...
- Eh, um, Mrs. Pucci,
not that far back please.
- Oh, well it started late
one night Pucci gets a call,
two pizzas to-go.
He's tired and so I go.
I deliver them to 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue.
- The White House?
- I don't know, it was
so dark I couldn't tell.
But, suddenly there I was,
right in the president's office.
- Now let me get this
straight, I go to Pakistan,
I get sick to my stomach...
- Not from eating
Pucci's pizza you don't.
That will be $3.20.
- Oh, Pucci's pizza,
yes, I'll sign for that.
There you are and a little
souvenir pen for you my dear.
- Hey, gratzi.
- I'll take that as a
document relating
to a top secret meeting,
it is hereby classified,
top secret.
- Hey, how do I
collect my money?
- That's your problem lady.
- Stupid-O pen, I want my $3.20.
- Careful, it's gonna
cost you $3.20. (whistling)
- You too buster.
(audience laughing)
- That's $6.40.
(all laughing)
- The life of Henny
Youngman, take one, please.
(scatting)
- What's this waiter?
- That sir is a baked potato.
- I ordered mashed potatoes.
- Oh, just imagine being Jane,
mate of Tarzan,
lord of the jungle.
(jungle bird calling)
Oh, I wish Tarzan
would hurry home.
It's so dull when
he's not around.
Come to think of it, it's
dull when he is around.
(Tarzan yelling)
(crashing sounds)
- Oh, Tarzan not
swing like he used to.
Thank you Cheetah,
you're a good monkey.
- Oh, that does it, I'm leaving,
that's the last
monkey joke - Oh, no,
- you're gonna do on me.
- - don't take that off please.
No, no, don't, Tarzan sorry,
promise not to make
any monkey jokes,
seal promise with
something you like.
- Oh, what?
- Want a banana?
(Gladys yelling and
Tarzan laughing)
(comical music)
(gorilla groaning)
- Oh, Harold, would you
please put some clothes on
and come to bed?
Oh.
Now that was better.
Give me a kiss.
You didn't brush
your teeth. (whistling)
- Sister Rita, I overheard
one of my students
using bad language today.
(gasping)
- Oh, that's terrible.
- What did you do?
- I told him to stop
or he'd go to heck.
- [Pilot] Flight seven
requesting take off first
for Darryl F. Zanuck
aboard his private plan.
Come in tower.
Be my love
Did you get that
Mr. Zanuck? (laughing)
- Oh, goodness.
Yes, you'll laugh now.
- I want you to know, I
never kiss on the first date.
- Great, great, that'll
save a lot of time.
- With that kind of tide,
you know, excuse me.
(Dick grunting)
Wait a minute, what's
with the suitcase?
- I am.
- No, I mean, what
are you carrying
this old thing around for?
What do you got in there?
- What do you mean old thing?
That's a perfectly
nice suitcase.
I just go and I
carry my essentials.
- Your essentials?
- Sure.
- What's that?
- What do you mean, what's that?
That's a sticker from
Funman travel agency.
- Well, what's it doing
on your luggage?
- Well, it kept
falling off my suit.
- I've never heard of the
Funman travel agency.
- Are you kidding?
Why we offer something
that no travel agency
in the world offers.
- What's that?
- A Funman sticker.
- What is this all about?
- Well, I happen to represent
and more than represent,
I'm part owner of the
Funman travel agency.
- Part owner and representative
- We search the
land, all summer long,
looking for fascinating
new places of interest,
so our clients can go out.
- That's a great idea.
You search out a lot of places.
Looks to me you've
visited some great beauties.
- Oh yeah?
Lipstick on my shirt?
- No, no, I'm referring
to your suitcase.
- There's lipstick
on my suitcase?
- No.
- Must've been the
midget I picked up.
- You picked up a midget?
- Well, I had to.
She was hitchhiker
and my curb feeler
kept hitting her in the
forehead. (laughing)
- That's the worst.
(Dick laughing hysterically)
Now, let me get this straight.
You mean you've
really discovered some
of the really great things
to see in this country,
- Oh, yes.
- That no one
has ever seen before?
- I've also done
some great traveling.
- Oh.
- No, you have to
because the people
when they go out
year after year,
they want to see new places.
- What have you discovered?
- Well, did you
know, for instance,
in Arizona they have
a hole in the ground
that's over a thousand
miles long, five miles deep.
Amazing!
- The Grand Canyon.
- Good name for it!
- Well that's what
everybody calls it.
- Boy that caught
on quick, didn't it?
- You're a regular Magellan.
- Oh, thank you.
- What else did you discover?
- Well, we drove northward,
up through Wyoming you see.
- Up through Wyoming?
- We set up camp
in a beautiful park,
in the sun-drenched bank
of ca... Yellowstone river.
- The cal...
- No, not the Calhaya.
The Yellowstone river.
- I've heard of the
Yellowstone river.
It's over by San Clemente.
- No, no, no (both laughing)
- The Yellowstone river?
- Yes, it's a coincidence.
You know it's right in the
middle of Yellowstone Park?
- Isn't that a...
- Isn't that a coinkydinky?
- Yes, it really is.
I hope you visited Old Faithful.
- No, I think she
was out of town.
(audience laughing)
She's probably in the
Grand Canyon, you know?
You want to hear about my
greatest discovery though?
- Oh, I can hardly wait.
- I'm just sorry
you're not sitting down
because this will...
No, don't sit on my essentials.
- No, I wouldn't sit
on your essentials.
- I found this...
- Yes?
- Incredible mountain.
It is an amazing mountain
and right on the face
of the mountain are four faces,
carved out of stone
by mother nature.
I can't imagine, must be
a natural phenomenon.
- It must be Mount Rushmore.
- Hmmm?
- Mount Rushmore, didn't
you recognize any of the faces?
- Well, uh, I'm not
sure of the first two,
but I think I recognized
Harpo and Groucho.
- They happen to be
presidents of the United States.
- Harpo and Groucho were
presidents of the United States?!
- Oh, no, no.
I'm talking about the
faces that are on the...
- Oh.
- What's with the toothbrush?
- Oh, I forgot to pack it,
I'll just slip it in the
bag with my essentials.
- With your essentials?
- Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
- Wait, wait a minute.
- Huh?
- You wanna open that again?
- Sure.
- What may I ask is that?
- She's my essentials.
(audience laughing)
- How insane of you,
taking a girl away
in a suitcase.
- Well, I had to, she wouldn't
fit in the glove compartment.
Now, if I had just
kept the midget,
everything would
have been alright.
A few hits with the curb
feeler wouldn't hurt her,
I'll see you a little later.
(audience laughing)
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
- Hello?
- Oh my gracious,
good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
- Yes, this is Martha Mitchell.
- Oh, well, Mrs. Mitchell,
this is Mrs. Tomlin
from the telephone company.
We have voted you the
person who has done the most
for Mob Bell and your prize
is a telephone in the shape
of the supreme court.
- Well, that'll make
hanging it up a real pleasure.
- Mrs. Mitchell, if
you ever get lock-jaw,
I hope it's not open.
Now Mrs. Mitchell, that's just
a little phone company humor.
Listen, incidentally,
tell me on the QT,
when do you think supreme
court justices should retire?
- Some of them should
retire about nine o'clock
in the morning, that is,
just before court opens.
- Oh Mrs. Mitchell, Mrs.
Mitchell that's another one
for mighty mouse.
Tell me Mrs. Mitchell,
do you have any time at
all left over for hobbies?
- Yes, I like to read
the funny papers.
- The funny papers, which
ones are your favorites?
- The New York Times
and the Washington Post.
- Oh, Mrs. Mitchell,
it's gems like that,
that make me
understand why they call
Washington D.C.
Martha's Vineyard.
Hello? Hello?
Venetia?
Venetia, this is Ernestine,
this is the happiest
day of my life Venetia.
Do you know who
just hung up on me?
- And now it's time once again
for America's most lovable
lushes, the Swizzlers.
(drunk laughing)
- When you're plastered,
you do things for people.
- Do you know what?
They say people drink to forget.
- Who said that?
- I forgot (both laughing)
Would you like to come over to
my place and see my etchings?
- Are you kidding?
I can't even see you.
(both laughing)
- Forget it.
I gotta better idea.
- What?
- Why don't we go to my place?
- Whoa, okay.
(slide whistle)
- [Dick] Welp, here we are!
(audience laughing)
- Never stand on the
burners of an electric stove
while holding onto a wet cougar.
- You only go
around once in life
and you gotta grab
all the gusto you can.
- You grab my
gusto one more time
and I'll pour the beer
all over your head.
- When it was first announced
that I was gonna be on the show,
NBC said it was the worst
bomb scare it ever had.
(comical music)
- Uh oh.
Alright, come in,
what's wrong 223?
- [Pilot] The plane won't
respond, what should I do?
- Well, if I were you
Harry, I'd try my throttle.
- [Pilot] I tried and
it doesn't work.
- Well then, if i were
you Harry, I'd try the flaps.
- [Pilot] I've tried and
they don't work either.
- Well if I were you Harry,
I'd try to get out of
that thing. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Rob, don't you think
this is carrying the wedding
rehearsal a little too far?
- Mother Superior,
we have a question.
- Do you think that priests
should be allowed to marry?
- Well, let me put it this way,
I wouldn't want one of
my sisters to marry one.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Harold!
You've been drinking again!
Now slouch down
and walk like a gorilla!
Now that's the man I married.
- I threw my four leaf
clover away the other day,
I got arrested for littering.
I just don't have any luck.
My wife's living.
And here's two more old
jokes, Rowan and Martin.
(trumpets blaring)
- And now the happy
moment when we present
Laugh-in's Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- And who's the
hapless recipient
of our intrusive
indicative index?
- The state
legislature of Texas.
- Texas? Did they give
someone a bum steer?
- Well, something like that.
According to Time Magazine,
Texas state representative,
Tom Moore, introduced
a resolution praising
a certain man for
quote, noted activities
and unconventional
techniques involving
population control
and applied psychology.
- Well, sounds commendable.
- Not only that, the bill
said this man's efforts
made him quote, an
acknowledged leader in his field.
- Well that sounds admirable,
who is this lucky man
who is so honored?
- Albert DeSalvo,
perhaps better known
as the Boston Strangler.
- The Boston Strangler?
Representative
Moore must be nuts.
- No, representative
Moore was just trying
to illustrate how
thoughtlessly state legislatures
often sign obscure
special bills.
- I see, well of
course, he was wrong
and Texas legislature
defeated it unanimously.
- Au contraire mon
ami, they passed it,
without a descending vote.
- Well, if they signed bills
without looking at them,
I'm gonna send them my
statement from the diner's club.
- They'll probably
sign it anyway.
To all the members of
the Texas legislature,
for applauding the Boston
Strangler's dedication
to his work and praising
him for noted activities
involving population
control, we extend
to you this season's
first Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- And by the way,
Texas state legislatures,
if your ancestor had
been that careless,
you'd be saying "remember
the Alamo" in Spanish.
- Si, si.
(phone ringing)
- Hello? My mommy doesn't
like me to answer the phone
because I say
embarrassing things,
but I'll tell her to
call you as soon
as she gets off the potty.
- You know, I just
love Mr. Agnew.
- Yeah?
- But, I will absolutely
not play bridge with him.
- No kidding, why not?
- Well, you know what it's
like when he's got a club
in his hand.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Hey kids, what time is it?
- [Crowd] It's
sock-it-to-me time!
(funny music)
- Today, the beautiful girl
has the world at her feet.
Maybe some day it
will be just the opposite.
- Hey listen Harry,
thanks for coming
to the party as
Ingrid's blind date.
- Oh yeah, you wanna
tell me a little bit about her?
Is she, you know what I mean?
- Well, yeah,
she's a sweet girl.
She's gotta great
personality Harry.
- Oh, I think I'm
getting a headache.
- Op, here she comes.
Be nice to her harry.
- Hello.
- Hi Ingrid.
- Welp, what'd I
tell you dog city.
- Ingrid this is Harry,
Harry that's Ingrid.
- Can I get ya a cheeseburger?
- What?
- Don't pay any attention.
Harry's just being funny.
(Harry grunting)
- Oh, um, I would like to dance.
- Well, don't let me stop ya.
- Would you at least
like to take me for a walk
in the garden?
- Sure, go get your leash.
- Harry, can I talk
to you privately?
- I don't think he likes me.
- Well, I'm sorry, you
gotta remember though,
Harry's in show
business, and he's used
to some pretty
good lookin' chicks.
- Well, it's not
my fault I'm ugly.
I was born this way.
I mean don't you
think I'd like to be pretty
like all the other
girls with frizzy hair.
- Hold it, hold it, don't move.
Now that's what I call
a good lookin' broad.
(comical music)
- Oh goodness, look,
it looks like the maid
didn't tidy up after
the last couple.
- Well, it's time to
say good night Dick.
- Well, okay, but I'd rather
say good night Raquel.
- I'm not so sure
she's interested.
Don't you think you might
have rubbed her the wrong way?
- No, but I'm willing
to give that try.
- Somebody talking about me?
- Yes, we wanted to thank you
for being on the show tonight,
you were a delight.
- Well thank you for having
me Dan and by the way,
say good night to
that, what's his name.
- Mmhmm.
- What do you mean what's
his name, what did I do?
Why's everybody, you know,
what is it when you're
against somebody?
- Anti-, anti-
- Oh auntie's fine,
nice of you to ask,
my goodness, she sends
her best to you too Dan.
- Does she?
- She was wondering if
you still remember the time
you were both
trapped in the Yukon
while hunting Alaskan
polar bear on skis?
- Now, I don't remember that.
- I'm surprised.
If I ever saw an Alaskan
polar bear on skis,
I'd never forget it.
- Say good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
Oh, and thanks for letting
me work with Gladys.
I learned a lot from that girl.
(trumpet exit music)
- Good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
- America very funny country,
call president by first name.
I say, good night Mr. President.
- Good night ladies
and gentlemen
and now stay tuned
for the rest of our show.
(slide whistle)
Raquel?
How do you make a lion tamer?
- Well I find a couple
martinis usual does the trick.
(audience laughing)
- John, what do you get when
you cross a lion with a fly?
- I dunno, but if you swat
it, you better not miss.
- If I lion tries to borrow
money, what do you give him?
- [All] Anything he wants!
- Hey Ruthie!
- [Ruth] Yes, Larry, what?
- What has longhair
and purple feet?
- Oh, a lion who
makes his own wine.
- Uh, Dicky.
- Yeah babe?
- What would be the best
time and the best place
to see lions on the prowl?
- Any bar in Detroit
after a game.
- Hey Morita, I'm
sorry, (laughing)
Does and lion ever go on a diet?
- Sure, he only eats midgets.
- Raquel. Yoohoo!
- Yeah?
- How do you find a lion's den?
- You turn left when
you get to his kitchen.
- What night does the lion watch
Monday night at the movies?
- [All] Any time he wants to.
(comical music)
(single person clapping)
- Because their first script
has been classified top secret,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
will not be seen tonight.
- Here's script one, go ahead.
- Thank you.
Correction, Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
will be seen tonight.
Uh, thank you mister Ellsworth.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
may I say that in previous
years I have overlooked many
instances of tastelessness.
However, if I see one
single thing that is not tasteful
on the program this year,
I definitely plan to drop out.
(slide whistle)
We are not off
to a tasteful start.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, the
excitement time, huh?
- This is it, huh?
- Yeah, fifth season,
getting going again.
- Fifth?
- Oh yeah.
- Is this the fifth season?
- Certainly.
- I thought it was the 10th.
- Just speeded
right along didn't it?
- Yeah, when do we
catch up with Gunsmoke?
- Oh, pretty soon.
Do you know what's
gonna happen tonight?
- What?
- We start off this season
with a super star.
- Who?!
- Our first guest, - Who?
- You're not gonna believe it.
- Tell me!
- Raquel Welch.
- Oh, well naturally,
she followed me here.
- She followed you?
- Oh, she's crazy about me.
- Raquel Welch is
crazy about you?!
- See, everyone's
talking about it.
- Yeah, I'll tell ya.
Here's the lady
everybody's talking about,
the one and only, -
The one and only?
- Miss Raquel Welch.
- Ah!
(grand entrance music
and audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
(audience laughing)
- She's a really crazy
about you, isn't she Dick?
- Well she's down there
lookin' for me somewhere.
- Uh, Mrs. Mitchell, recently
you had a disagreement
with the supreme court
and made some rather
strong recommendations
about the men on the bench.
- They aren't
really that strong.
All I said was, I hoped the day
would come when I could say,
There goes the judge
There goes the judge
- Once again, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank,
Marriage Bureau
and swap shop, NBC,
the Now Be Careful broadcasters,
cast broccoli about for
an excuse to overlook
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the right-on Dan Rowan.
(funk music)
And the moron, Dick Martin!
(audience applauding)
And tonight's guest
star, Raquel Welch!
And Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin!
With Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Anne Elder, Barbara Sharma,
and the new kid who just
escaped from Hogan's Heroes,
Richard Dawson, and Larry Hovis.
(funk music)
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
author of the new book,
Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know About Fear,
But Have Been Afraid to Ask.
But, first this (mumbling)
- Here Madge, have a
peanut butter sandwich.
- Oh, oh well, I wish I
could, I really do, I, you know,
my dentures, I'm afraid,
peanut butter and everything.
- Oh Madge, I was like
that too till I tried a tube
of Denture Stuck.
And now watch
this, (Madge gasping)
(crunching sounds)
- Oh, your right, Betty,
those dentures really stick.
- Very funny, very,
very, very funny.
(comical music)
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
back for their fifth season,
though it only seems like
12, two real wrong numbers,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- Thank you, again.
- We better better get
some guards. (laughing)
- They have some more and more.
You're very nice,
thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- You know Dick...
- Sure, I know Dick.
He's a tall fella.
You gotta bad problem with a...
- I know, he's got
several bad problems.
I think it's time you exhibited
more interest
in current affairs.
- Well, I'm not
supposed to tell you this,
but Harvey the makeup
man, has been foolin' around
with the wardrobe lady.
- That's no the kind of
current affairs I'm talking about.
- Oh, well, it's a
pretty good one.
- I'm talking about
important national issues.
- Yeah.
- The country's facing
quite a number of
economic problems,
unemployment, taxes, inflation,
- High cost of loving.
- That's living.
- It certainly is.
(both laughing)
- Easy for you to joke
about these things,
you don't have
to deal with them.
But, what would you be
doing if you were the president?
- Uh, ah, a whole lot of this.
- Yeah, well, we've
seen that bravado.
But, what are you doing
about the economy?
- Well give me time will ya?
I've only been in
office two minutes.
- Oh, now come on Dick.
- Dick?!
Dick, nobody calls
me that, but Mr. Agnew.
- You know, it' s obvious,
you don't understand
a single political issue.
- Oh, is that so?
Well, I laugh on your lapel, ha!
- What does that mean?
- I happen to be a
political ath-ro-to.
- Authority?
- That's it, just
ask me anything.
- Alright, what would
you do about inflation?
- Raise it.
- Well it's too high already.
- Then I'd lower it.
- Well it's gotta be
one or the other.
You...
- That's what is say.
In economics, you
gotta be flexible.
- Yeah.
What do you think
about unemployment?
- Well, it beats working.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, there's millions
of people out of work.
How would you get them jobs?
- Simple.
Nobody thinks
about these things.
That's the problem today.
- What's your solution?
- Well, you just send
millions of people on vacation,
and just like that, you
got all the jobs you need.
Hu-huh. See?
- Well what happens
when all the people
on vacation come back?
- That's their problem.
It serves them right
for laying around
on the beach when they should
of been working
like everyone else.
(audience laughing)
- Somehow I don't think
you're going to be much help
to the president.
He has dreadful
problems, polluted air,
crime in the streets,
inadequate housing.
- Gee, you'd think a
man like that could afford
to live in a better
neighborhood.
- Dick, the president
lives in Washington D.C.
- You'd think a man
like that could afford
to live in a better
neighborhood.
(audience laughing)
- Doesn't it bother you to
make yourself look so foolish?
Not only on television, but
in front of our live audience,
here in the studio, this...
- Hey, for goodness sakes.
- Yeah.
- That is a, what's a nice
lookin' group like you doing
at a show like this?
- As a matter of fact,
they are very nice.
Look at them.
Well dressed, well behaved,
- Hey, I tell you what.
Let's show them on camera, huh?
- Why not?
(crowd scuffling)
- Burbank audiences are the
greatest audiences in the world!
(audience applauding)
Thank you everybody!
(doorbell ringing)
- Who is it?
- Mailman.
(giggling)
- Oh the mailman's here!
Oh, oh, you got anything for me?
Huh, what do yo say?
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Pat Morita, (giggling)
Tell me, why do Japanese
people sit on the floor
when they eat?
- Well, we tried
sitting on the walls,
but we kept sliding down.
(slide whistle)
- Lost, and uncooked
chicken with hoof marks on it.
Will the finder please
contact the Galloping Gourmet.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Buffalo Bob, you've
had some great success
working with a puppet.
- Well, I sure have.
(hollow knocking)
Knock on wood.
- This land is my land.
This land is your land.
And that's a brief history
of the American Indian.
- My name is Edith Ann.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what?
Momma said, if Buster
don't eat his dog food,
he don't get nothing to
eat, and he don't like it.
So I have to get up at
night and eat it for him.
Then I go to the fridgerator
and get him lima beans,
he likes them best.
And that's the truth.
- The life of Billy
Graham, taketh one.
(knocking)
- It's me, Gladys.
Can I see you Miss Welch?
- Yeah, sure Gladys, come on it.
- Oh, it's wonderful
to be able to see you,
I know how busy you are.
- You better believe it.
Oh how can I be a
little bit more like you
Miss Welch
How can you do the
glamorous things I do
Oh please tell me
Well Gladys dear
I'm no magician
But I have a sneaking suspicion
We should start out with
a lesson on how to walk
Walk Walk, gotta
learn to walk Walk
Yeah, try a sexy walk Walk
Will my walk make the
men believe I'm sublime
Miss Welch
Raquel, work and
sweat and incredible luck
and time, will tell
Um now lets try
a sexy expression
Oh, lick my lips and
love is in session
Lets go back to the
lesson on how to walk, huh
Walk Walk Look,
hey, try a little lipstick
Oh, try some lipstick
A dab or two of perfume
Dab some perfume
Try a little powder Yeah
And a lot of eyelash
I am now the sensuous women
Walk, walk, walk, walk
How can I have a
figure as good as yours
Miss Welch Raquel
One that loids Of London,
sometimes it shores
Raquel Miss Welch
Well look, exercise,
yoga, and fasting
Facelift, transplant,
dynamite blasting
Men will faint when I
walk through the door
One quick look and
they'll be on the floor
Now that I'm just a
little bit more like you
Raquel
Now that you're just
a little bit more like me
Come on Gladys,
let's get it together.
- Okay, this is really wonderful
- Whoo, oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry Raquel.
I've never saw
one of those before.
- Well, it's a bra.
- What's it for?
- Well, in the winter
when it gets very cold,
you can wear it over your ears.
- Oh.
But, I can't hear anything.
- That's another reason
why you don't need one.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Welch have I got it?
- Yes and I think
I've got it too.
- Swing hard, swing
your arm, harder,
really, that's it, now
we just gotta find a park.
(audience laughing)
- You see they
call me Buffalo Bob,
because I'm from
Buffalo, New York.
- Gee, I really feel
sorry for my brother.
He's from Elizabeth, New Jersey.
- Now a special feature,
we bring you
directly from Saigon,
a top Vietnamese
military figure,
General Udoduck.
- Idoduck.
- General, the hochimen
trail, is that serious problem?
- Only during rush hours.
(audience laughing)
- The big issue right
now is Vietnamization,
do you think it's working?
- Absolutely.
- What makes you so certain?
- Well, a year ago, I was Irish.
- General, how long
will you need American
fighting men
defending your country?
- My country?
I thought is was your country.
- Obscene phone call
for Helen Dweleger.
Obscene phone call
for Helen Dweleger.
- [Women] I'll take it!
- Nevermind, it's for me.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Mitchell do
you think you'll see
a democratic president in 1972?
- Certainly.
- Really?
- Of course.
Lyndon Johnson's coming
to our New Year's party.
(laughing)
- Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arres-(laughing)
I sure wish you wouldn't
slam the door on my line.
Could you find
another way to do that?
- Take four.
- Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a (door slamming)
suspicious character.
(both laughing)
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a suspicious character.
(door slamming)
- (laughing) What?
- Cover four.
- Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank... (laughing)
(slate clapping)
We gotta proceed to
the Bank of Burbank
and arrest a
suspicious character.
(laughing)
(door slamming)
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a suspicious character.
- (laughing) Why?
Is he gonna rob the bank?
- Get out of the car.
(laughing)
- Take four.
- Quick, we gotta proceed
to the Bank of Bur...
(both laughing)
Get out and leave me alone.
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and
a... (officer laughing)
Really, I really wanted to try
and do it this time. (laughing)
Get out of here.
(slate clapping)
Get in the car quick, we
gotta proceed to the Bank
of Burbank and arrest
a suspicious character.
(door slamming)
- Why, is he trying
to rob the bank?
- No, he tried to
make a deposit.
(everyone on set
laughing and cheering)
Right.
They said it couldn't be done.
- Moving right along,
we'd like you to meet...
- Just hold it there.
- What?
- This is where I start my
mystery person contest.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Of course not!
That's the idea.
And here's the mystery
person! (laughing)
(entrance music and applauding)
Alright now mystery person,
give us tonight's clue!
- Wait, a clue,
who needs a clue?
The man is obviously...
- Shh! Don't give it away!
Now, go ahead Johnny.
(audience laughing)
- May the bird of
paradise fly over the NBC
and dive into the commissary,
hopefully the cheese dip.
(hosts laughing)
- Now, the first person
who correctly identifies
the mystery
person, will receive,
(trumpets sounding)
- Two free passes
to Roman Gabriel.
- Oh swell.
- Dinner for two
at your own home
and a free trip
around Kate Smith.
(drum rimshot)
- That's a one way trip friends.
We're not made of money.
(drum rimshot)
- All entries will be
kept strictly confidential
and will be published
in the New York Times.
- And in case prizes,
duplicate ties will be awarded.
- Thank you mystery person.
See you next week!
(drum roll and a sting)
(audience applauding)
Well, what do you think?
- What do I think?
I think your contest is stupid.
I think your stupid,
the whole thing is stupid.
And the first place, you
didn't even tell people
where to write.
- Well, I don't
want their old mail.
What do you think, I'm stupid?
- Well you're gonna get mail
whether you want it or not.
Everybody knows we do
the show at NBC in Burbank,
zip code 91505.
- So does Flip Wilson.
What do I care if a guy
sits around in a dress
and high heels all day and
gets a lot of stupid letters?
Goodnight Johnny!
(funny kazoo music)
(crashing)
(funny kazoo music)
- Here are some
more useful safety tips
that could well
help you to live.
Avoid getting into a
stall shower naked,
if there is already
a king cobra in it.
- Yes, what is it?!
- [Pilot] I'm in
serious trouble.
I'm coming in, I
don't have any fuel,
I don't have any lights,
I don't have any landing gear.
What should I do?!
- Well, the first
thing is aim away
from this tower. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Ha ha!
Alone at last.
- Everything I have is yours.
- Oh, that's marvelous.
Oops!
Hey, this is real cute.
What size shoes you take?
Nothing gaudy, maybe
some green satin.
(audience laughing)
- I was wondering,
what vows would
the flying nun have to take?
- Well, there's
poverty, chastity,
- And no buzzing
the church steeple.
(audience laughing)
(spring sounds)
- Oh, no, no!
No, no, no Harold don't!
Oh, see you knocked
yourself out again?
- A friend of mine
eats 16 dill pickles
every night before
he goes to bed.
I said, now dummy,
why do you do that?
He said, if I eat
anymore I get sick.
(audience laughing)
(hosts mumbling)
- Hi guys!
- Hi Al!
- Oh, hi Al.
Would you hold this a second?
- Oh, it's a cute.
- Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
this clock has been set
to go off at various
times during the show.
Now none of us has any
idea when it will go off.
- But, when it does,
whoever's on camera
will be soaked with water.
- Aha! Are you trying to tell me
that when the alarm
goes off, whoever happens
to be on camera
at the time, - Yeah.
(Al laughing)
- gets hit with water?
(Al laughing)
- That's the general idea.
- Oh, it'll never work,
it's just another stupid
Dick and Dan laugh-in idea.
It'll never work.
Here's your stupid clock.
- Here's another safety tip.
Don't throw hot
sukiyaki in the face
of a 300 pound sumo wrestler.
We're the dimpled dollies
In the laugh-in follies
Oooooo, aaa-aaaaa-aaaaah
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-in looks at the news
Here's Dan and Dick
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer] And
here's the Laugh-In news
with Buck Jones
in Texas in chaps,
Tom Jones in Wales on laps,
Shirley Jones in
Hollywood under wraps,
Lady Jones in bed between naps,
and Jack Jones in
Vegas shooting craps.
And here are Dick and Dan.
- First, here's Dick with
news headlines of the present.
- New York, it was
revealed today that plans
to re-run the Walter
Cronkite news
during Mr. Cronkite's
vacations were cancelled
when CBS realized it would
mean re-invading Cambodia
during Thanksgiving
and Christmas.
(audience laughing)
Paris, a famous french
exterminator, Pierre Cossette,
recently lived for two months
on nothing but DDT pills
to prove that they are not
harmful to the human system.
Everything went
well until this morning,
while putting on his
pants, his fly died.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan] That's bad news...
- And now for news of
the future, here's Dick.
- I'm Dan.
- Well you better do
the news of the future
because Dick isn't here.
- He left some time ago.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
Washington, with the Vietnam
War now over for some 15 years,
the congress today turned
its attention once again
to finding some way to
end the Paris peace talks.
(audience laughing)
News of the Future,
20 years from now.
Mrs. Reuben ended her marriage
today to Doctor David Reuben,
author of several
well-known sex books.
When asked why she divorced
her husband after 40 years
of marriage, she replied,
it's something I've always
wanted to do, but up till
now I've been afraid to ask.
(audience laughing)
- And now, here's a guy
with a natural bent for sports,
and I think it's time
he straightened up.
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Al.
- Hiya sports fans, Big Al here.
(whistle blowing)
Ah, it tickles my lips,
but I love it. Hahaha.
Tonight gang, I'll explain some
of the football referee signals,
for all you un-informed
ding-dongs out there.
(whistle blowing)
Ah, I did it again.
I gotta stop doing that, it's
gonna drive me teaspoons.
Here's the first signal.
You could add a little
something if you like.
It's incomplete pass
and it's also great
for drying your nails.
(whistle blowing)
Ah, ah, my lips
are getting dizzy.
Here's a cute one.
This means off sides or
I suppose it could mean,
hi Mr. Quarterback, new in town?
(whistle blowing)
And finally, this one.
I'm not exactly
sure what it means,
but it goes great with,
I'm Alabamy bound
No hebeejeebez...
(audience laughing)
No hoobeedoobees I am...
(clock alarm ringing)
Ah! Not the water!
I can't swim.
- And now for kid
news, kid news for kids.
We take you to Moosie
Drier in the tree house,
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Well, Butchy Nath is gonna
be on crutches for a long time.
Last night we slept
in the tree house
and I didn't know he
walked in his sleep.
And another thing, Freddy
Palmer's father is sore at him.
See, Freddy let his
pet snake out of the box
and we looked every
place and couldn't find him.
But, Freddy's mother
found him when she opened
the glove department of her car.
Garage says the car will
be fixed in about a week.
Doctor says Freddy's mother
will be fixed in about a month.
And the veterinarian says
the snake will be straightened
out in about a year.
Back to you Dick and Dan!
- And now for the
British view of the news,
we switch you to
our man in London,
come in London.
- Steve West from London
here, in a typical english pub,
among a group of friendly
warm hearted Britishers.
Excuse me sir.
(painful yell)
- Do me a favor,
you ruined my shot.
I am sorry about
that your majesty.
- I'd just like to ask
you a few questions.
- I never saw that
geezer's wallet.
- No, I'm not a policeman,
I'm a reporter from America.
- Oh, smashing, ripping.
What are they doing
in the colonies then?
- Smashing and ripping.
Tell me, is it true
that the royal family
is in financial trouble?
- No, nope.
Prince Phillip was
only talkin' about
that this morning while
he was doing his laundry.
- So there is a
financial problem?
And that's why the British
have sold the Queen Mary,
London Bridge,
and her art treasures.
- Uh, well, yes, yes and all
through that is an outrage,
or bloomin' mercenaries
snapping up our treasured
relics with their
grubby dollars.
I resent it, as a loyal
Britisher, I do resent it.
And I take an oath
on this lovely watch
that my dad gave
me on his deathbed.
- That is a handsome watch.
- You like it? It's a heirloom.
I'll let you have it for 50
bob, I got six more over...
- Back to you now, Dan and Dick.
- Chicago, in gratitude
for the FBI's no longer
using the word mafia.
The mafia announced
today it would no longer
use the word FBI.
(audience laughing)
For follow-up on that item,
we go to Pauline Rederick
at the Federal Bureau
of Investigation.
- Pauline Rederick here.
Sir there was a
movement in the FBI
to eliminate the word mafia.
What is the reason for this?
- Uh, there is a certain
ethnic minority associated
with that word and
blameless ethnic people
from a background, a
specific ethnic background,
have unfortunate
connotations with that.
- And is that your reason
for not saying the word mafia?
- Well, that's half of it.
- What's the other half?
- Well I don't want
the mafia to get me.
- Its new recruitment program,
the United States Army
has adopted Madison
Avenue techniques.
Let's look at one of the
new army commercials.
- Okay, army
commercial, take two.
(slate clapping)
(sultry piano music)
- Hi guys.
Come one, come all,
and bring your bayonet
to the nearest friendly
enlistment center.
All ages welcome, from 18 to 36.
Transportation furnished
free by GI army boots,
operated by you yourself.
Get in early and avoid the rush
and the federal penitentiary.
Remember, Uncle Sam wants you.
Don't make him come and get you.
Wait for me, I'll get you.
(Dick giggling)
- Where you going?
Over there Over there
- Now to our man in
nationalist China, in Taiwan.
- Here in Taiwan, I'm speaking
to Generalissimo Chang Xi Tsec.
General, has the
easing of tensions
between the United
States and mainland China
made any changes
in your battle plans?
- No, my battle plans
same as always.
Today, Taiwan.
Tomorrow, Taiwan.
- John and I have
an understanding.
I don't tell him how to
run the justice department
and he doesn't tell me how
to run the rest of the country.
- And that's the way it is,
Thursday, September 10th, 1936
Ladies and gents
Laugh-in looked at the news
(women giggling)
(audience laughing)
- Buffalo Bob, I guess
after all these years
of working with Howdy,
you've begun to think
of him as a real person.
- Well, no, he hasn't,
but I've begun to think
of him as a real dummy.
- Raquel you must be
tired of being a sex symbol.
- What'd he say?
- Oh, he said I must be
tired of being a sex symbol.
- That's funny, I never thought
of Dan as being a sex symbol.
Now you on the other hand.
- Wait a minute, I've had all
that kind of stuff up to here.
- Would you do that again?
- Why?
- I can't wait to see what
you're up to next. (laughing)
- I have a better idea.
Let's go see what they're
up to at the cocktail party.
- I'm with you.
- Oh, terrific, Dan you
can come along too.
- Good.
(funk music and applauding)
- They've got a new
japanese car now,
there are only
four moving parts.
- So?
I've got an american car
with only four moving parts.
Unfortunately, it's
supposed to have 306.
(funk music and laughing)
- You know that ping pong
tournament really worked out
well with red China, didn't it?
- I'll say, I hear the
president is thinking
of putting a net across
the Paris peace tables.
(funk music and laughing)
- Wouldn't it be something
if we win the war in Vietnam
and then find out the
Vietcong are trying
for two out of three?
(funk music and laughing)
- Well, Spiro Agnew
is the only man I know
who could accidentally cut
somebody else while he's shaving.
(funk music and laughing)
- How'd you like to have
some dinner after the show?
- Oh, I'd love to,
but I'm all tied up.
(funk music and laughing)
- Do you Americans
realize you're raising
a whole generation of school
children who think Civil Rights
is something you have
to take a bus to get to?
(funk music and laughing)
- The south Vietnamese
haven't quite learned
the democratic election process.
True, we always
announce the results,
but aren't you supposed
to hold the election first?
(funk music and laughing)
- I say if God meant us to
be drafted, we would've been
born with a craving for
chipped beef on toast.
(funk music and laughing)
- Did you know that
scientists are trying
to have babies in test tubes?
- I guess it's a good idea,
but how do they get the
scientists in the test tube?
(funk music and laughing)
- And I understand that
the tourists at Disneyland
consume tons of food and drink.
I wonder what they
do with all the garbage?
- Oh, probably the
same thing we do,
dump it in Tomorrowland
and let somebody
else worry about it.
(funk music and laughing)
- You know, in my opinion
it's time we allowed priests
to get married.
I mean up till now all they've
ever known about is heaven.
(funk music and laughing)
- You know postal
rates are getting so high,
some people can't
even afford to write in
and complain about them.
(funk music and laughing)
- I know some people who
gave up cigarettes a year ago
and it's made nervous
wrecks out of them.
- Who?
- ABC, NBC, and CBS.
(funk music and laughing)
- Why don't you come up to
my place and we'll tie one on?
- But, I don't drink.
- Who said anything
about drinking?
(funk music and laughing)
(audience applauding)
- This show was pre-recorded,
because if it weren't I'd
be standing here right now
without anything to say.
- Uh, Mr. Buffalo, I
was in London you see,
I don't know anything
about Howdy Doody.
- Well, it was very simple.
One person did all the talking
and the rest were all dummies.
- That sounds like Don
Rickles nightclub act.
- On TV horror theater tonight,
the invisible man
will not be seen.
- Oh, Mr. Bob Smith,
would you marry me?
- Well, you don't even know me.
Why would you want
me to marry you?
- Because I want a home
where the buffalo roams.
- Dick, what would you say to
a woman in the White House?
- I'd say we better get out
of here before the
Nixons get home.
(laughing)
- I predict that the number
of habitual cigarette
smokers will continue
to drop significantly.
While those who go on smoking,
will just continue
to drop. (laughing)
- Tonight, a Laugh-In exclusive,
- Hold it.
- Right here.
- Hold it.
- Right here.
- Hold it!
What's going on?
- Well, I promised you something
big for the opening show.
This is it.
- Something big?
- Right.
You remember the
Pentagon papers?
- Well, of course I remember,
you have the
Pentagon papers here?
- Bigger than that.
- Bigger than...
- We have Pucci pizza papers.
- The what?
- Tonight!
I didn't mean to wake you up.
Tonight, Laugh-In rips the veil
of secrecy - Certainly
must be exciting.
- Off another
government scandal,
and here to tell you about
it is the woman whose life
was ruined by the revelation
of the Pucci pizza papers,
Mrs. Pietro Pucci.
- Pucci?
- Bonjourno.
- Wait a minute, now
what kind of scandal
could involve a pizza?
- Shh, let her tell,
let her tell the story.
Mrs. Pucci, suppose you
begin right back at the beginning.
- Ah, well I was born in a
little town right outside Milan,
and my father...
- Eh, um, Mrs. Pucci,
not that far back please.
- Oh, well it started late
one night Pucci gets a call,
two pizzas to-go.
He's tired and so I go.
I deliver them to 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue.
- The White House?
- I don't know, it was
so dark I couldn't tell.
But, suddenly there I was,
right in the president's office.
- Now let me get this
straight, I go to Pakistan,
I get sick to my stomach...
- Not from eating
Pucci's pizza you don't.
That will be $3.20.
- Oh, Pucci's pizza,
yes, I'll sign for that.
There you are and a little
souvenir pen for you my dear.
- Hey, gratzi.
- I'll take that as a
document relating
to a top secret meeting,
it is hereby classified,
top secret.
- Hey, how do I
collect my money?
- That's your problem lady.
- Stupid-O pen, I want my $3.20.
- Careful, it's gonna
cost you $3.20. (whistling)
- You too buster.
(audience laughing)
- That's $6.40.
(all laughing)
- The life of Henny
Youngman, take one, please.
(scatting)
- What's this waiter?
- That sir is a baked potato.
- I ordered mashed potatoes.
- Oh, just imagine being Jane,
mate of Tarzan,
lord of the jungle.
(jungle bird calling)
Oh, I wish Tarzan
would hurry home.
It's so dull when
he's not around.
Come to think of it, it's
dull when he is around.
(Tarzan yelling)
(crashing sounds)
- Oh, Tarzan not
swing like he used to.
Thank you Cheetah,
you're a good monkey.
- Oh, that does it, I'm leaving,
that's the last
monkey joke - Oh, no,
- you're gonna do on me.
- - don't take that off please.
No, no, don't, Tarzan sorry,
promise not to make
any monkey jokes,
seal promise with
something you like.
- Oh, what?
- Want a banana?
(Gladys yelling and
Tarzan laughing)
(comical music)
(gorilla groaning)
- Oh, Harold, would you
please put some clothes on
and come to bed?
Oh.
Now that was better.
Give me a kiss.
You didn't brush
your teeth. (whistling)
- Sister Rita, I overheard
one of my students
using bad language today.
(gasping)
- Oh, that's terrible.
- What did you do?
- I told him to stop
or he'd go to heck.
- [Pilot] Flight seven
requesting take off first
for Darryl F. Zanuck
aboard his private plan.
Come in tower.
Be my love
Did you get that
Mr. Zanuck? (laughing)
- Oh, goodness.
Yes, you'll laugh now.
- I want you to know, I
never kiss on the first date.
- Great, great, that'll
save a lot of time.
- With that kind of tide,
you know, excuse me.
(Dick grunting)
Wait a minute, what's
with the suitcase?
- I am.
- No, I mean, what
are you carrying
this old thing around for?
What do you got in there?
- What do you mean old thing?
That's a perfectly
nice suitcase.
I just go and I
carry my essentials.
- Your essentials?
- Sure.
- What's that?
- What do you mean, what's that?
That's a sticker from
Funman travel agency.
- Well, what's it doing
on your luggage?
- Well, it kept
falling off my suit.
- I've never heard of the
Funman travel agency.
- Are you kidding?
Why we offer something
that no travel agency
in the world offers.
- What's that?
- A Funman sticker.
- What is this all about?
- Well, I happen to represent
and more than represent,
I'm part owner of the
Funman travel agency.
- Part owner and representative
- We search the
land, all summer long,
looking for fascinating
new places of interest,
so our clients can go out.
- That's a great idea.
You search out a lot of places.
Looks to me you've
visited some great beauties.
- Oh yeah?
Lipstick on my shirt?
- No, no, I'm referring
to your suitcase.
- There's lipstick
on my suitcase?
- No.
- Must've been the
midget I picked up.
- You picked up a midget?
- Well, I had to.
She was hitchhiker
and my curb feeler
kept hitting her in the
forehead. (laughing)
- That's the worst.
(Dick laughing hysterically)
Now, let me get this straight.
You mean you've
really discovered some
of the really great things
to see in this country,
- Oh, yes.
- That no one
has ever seen before?
- I've also done
some great traveling.
- Oh.
- No, you have to
because the people
when they go out
year after year,
they want to see new places.
- What have you discovered?
- Well, did you
know, for instance,
in Arizona they have
a hole in the ground
that's over a thousand
miles long, five miles deep.
Amazing!
- The Grand Canyon.
- Good name for it!
- Well that's what
everybody calls it.
- Boy that caught
on quick, didn't it?
- You're a regular Magellan.
- Oh, thank you.
- What else did you discover?
- Well, we drove northward,
up through Wyoming you see.
- Up through Wyoming?
- We set up camp
in a beautiful park,
in the sun-drenched bank
of ca... Yellowstone river.
- The cal...
- No, not the Calhaya.
The Yellowstone river.
- I've heard of the
Yellowstone river.
It's over by San Clemente.
- No, no, no (both laughing)
- The Yellowstone river?
- Yes, it's a coincidence.
You know it's right in the
middle of Yellowstone Park?
- Isn't that a...
- Isn't that a coinkydinky?
- Yes, it really is.
I hope you visited Old Faithful.
- No, I think she
was out of town.
(audience laughing)
She's probably in the
Grand Canyon, you know?
You want to hear about my
greatest discovery though?
- Oh, I can hardly wait.
- I'm just sorry
you're not sitting down
because this will...
No, don't sit on my essentials.
- No, I wouldn't sit
on your essentials.
- I found this...
- Yes?
- Incredible mountain.
It is an amazing mountain
and right on the face
of the mountain are four faces,
carved out of stone
by mother nature.
I can't imagine, must be
a natural phenomenon.
- It must be Mount Rushmore.
- Hmmm?
- Mount Rushmore, didn't
you recognize any of the faces?
- Well, uh, I'm not
sure of the first two,
but I think I recognized
Harpo and Groucho.
- They happen to be
presidents of the United States.
- Harpo and Groucho were
presidents of the United States?!
- Oh, no, no.
I'm talking about the
faces that are on the...
- Oh.
- What's with the toothbrush?
- Oh, I forgot to pack it,
I'll just slip it in the
bag with my essentials.
- With your essentials?
- Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
- Wait, wait a minute.
- Huh?
- You wanna open that again?
- Sure.
- What may I ask is that?
- She's my essentials.
(audience laughing)
- How insane of you,
taking a girl away
in a suitcase.
- Well, I had to, she wouldn't
fit in the glove compartment.
Now, if I had just
kept the midget,
everything would
have been alright.
A few hits with the curb
feeler wouldn't hurt her,
I'll see you a little later.
(audience laughing)
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
- Hello?
- Oh my gracious,
good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
- Yes, this is Martha Mitchell.
- Oh, well, Mrs. Mitchell,
this is Mrs. Tomlin
from the telephone company.
We have voted you the
person who has done the most
for Mob Bell and your prize
is a telephone in the shape
of the supreme court.
- Well, that'll make
hanging it up a real pleasure.
- Mrs. Mitchell, if
you ever get lock-jaw,
I hope it's not open.
Now Mrs. Mitchell, that's just
a little phone company humor.
Listen, incidentally,
tell me on the QT,
when do you think supreme
court justices should retire?
- Some of them should
retire about nine o'clock
in the morning, that is,
just before court opens.
- Oh Mrs. Mitchell, Mrs.
Mitchell that's another one
for mighty mouse.
Tell me Mrs. Mitchell,
do you have any time at
all left over for hobbies?
- Yes, I like to read
the funny papers.
- The funny papers, which
ones are your favorites?
- The New York Times
and the Washington Post.
- Oh, Mrs. Mitchell,
it's gems like that,
that make me
understand why they call
Washington D.C.
Martha's Vineyard.
Hello? Hello?
Venetia?
Venetia, this is Ernestine,
this is the happiest
day of my life Venetia.
Do you know who
just hung up on me?
- And now it's time once again
for America's most lovable
lushes, the Swizzlers.
(drunk laughing)
- When you're plastered,
you do things for people.
- Do you know what?
They say people drink to forget.
- Who said that?
- I forgot (both laughing)
Would you like to come over to
my place and see my etchings?
- Are you kidding?
I can't even see you.
(both laughing)
- Forget it.
I gotta better idea.
- What?
- Why don't we go to my place?
- Whoa, okay.
(slide whistle)
- [Dick] Welp, here we are!
(audience laughing)
- Never stand on the
burners of an electric stove
while holding onto a wet cougar.
- You only go
around once in life
and you gotta grab
all the gusto you can.
- You grab my
gusto one more time
and I'll pour the beer
all over your head.
- When it was first announced
that I was gonna be on the show,
NBC said it was the worst
bomb scare it ever had.
(comical music)
- Uh oh.
Alright, come in,
what's wrong 223?
- [Pilot] The plane won't
respond, what should I do?
- Well, if I were you
Harry, I'd try my throttle.
- [Pilot] I tried and
it doesn't work.
- Well then, if i were
you Harry, I'd try the flaps.
- [Pilot] I've tried and
they don't work either.
- Well if I were you Harry,
I'd try to get out of
that thing. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Rob, don't you think
this is carrying the wedding
rehearsal a little too far?
- Mother Superior,
we have a question.
- Do you think that priests
should be allowed to marry?
- Well, let me put it this way,
I wouldn't want one of
my sisters to marry one.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Harold!
You've been drinking again!
Now slouch down
and walk like a gorilla!
Now that's the man I married.
- I threw my four leaf
clover away the other day,
I got arrested for littering.
I just don't have any luck.
My wife's living.
And here's two more old
jokes, Rowan and Martin.
(trumpets blaring)
- And now the happy
moment when we present
Laugh-in's Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- And who's the
hapless recipient
of our intrusive
indicative index?
- The state
legislature of Texas.
- Texas? Did they give
someone a bum steer?
- Well, something like that.
According to Time Magazine,
Texas state representative,
Tom Moore, introduced
a resolution praising
a certain man for
quote, noted activities
and unconventional
techniques involving
population control
and applied psychology.
- Well, sounds commendable.
- Not only that, the bill
said this man's efforts
made him quote, an
acknowledged leader in his field.
- Well that sounds admirable,
who is this lucky man
who is so honored?
- Albert DeSalvo,
perhaps better known
as the Boston Strangler.
- The Boston Strangler?
Representative
Moore must be nuts.
- No, representative
Moore was just trying
to illustrate how
thoughtlessly state legislatures
often sign obscure
special bills.
- I see, well of
course, he was wrong
and Texas legislature
defeated it unanimously.
- Au contraire mon
ami, they passed it,
without a descending vote.
- Well, if they signed bills
without looking at them,
I'm gonna send them my
statement from the diner's club.
- They'll probably
sign it anyway.
To all the members of
the Texas legislature,
for applauding the Boston
Strangler's dedication
to his work and praising
him for noted activities
involving population
control, we extend
to you this season's
first Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- And by the way,
Texas state legislatures,
if your ancestor had
been that careless,
you'd be saying "remember
the Alamo" in Spanish.
- Si, si.
(phone ringing)
- Hello? My mommy doesn't
like me to answer the phone
because I say
embarrassing things,
but I'll tell her to
call you as soon
as she gets off the potty.
- You know, I just
love Mr. Agnew.
- Yeah?
- But, I will absolutely
not play bridge with him.
- No kidding, why not?
- Well, you know what it's
like when he's got a club
in his hand.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Hey kids, what time is it?
- [Crowd] It's
sock-it-to-me time!
(funny music)
- Today, the beautiful girl
has the world at her feet.
Maybe some day it
will be just the opposite.
- Hey listen Harry,
thanks for coming
to the party as
Ingrid's blind date.
- Oh yeah, you wanna
tell me a little bit about her?
Is she, you know what I mean?
- Well, yeah,
she's a sweet girl.
She's gotta great
personality Harry.
- Oh, I think I'm
getting a headache.
- Op, here she comes.
Be nice to her harry.
- Hello.
- Hi Ingrid.
- Welp, what'd I
tell you dog city.
- Ingrid this is Harry,
Harry that's Ingrid.
- Can I get ya a cheeseburger?
- What?
- Don't pay any attention.
Harry's just being funny.
(Harry grunting)
- Oh, um, I would like to dance.
- Well, don't let me stop ya.
- Would you at least
like to take me for a walk
in the garden?
- Sure, go get your leash.
- Harry, can I talk
to you privately?
- I don't think he likes me.
- Well, I'm sorry, you
gotta remember though,
Harry's in show
business, and he's used
to some pretty
good lookin' chicks.
- Well, it's not
my fault I'm ugly.
I was born this way.
I mean don't you
think I'd like to be pretty
like all the other
girls with frizzy hair.
- Hold it, hold it, don't move.
Now that's what I call
a good lookin' broad.
(comical music)
- Oh goodness, look,
it looks like the maid
didn't tidy up after
the last couple.
- Well, it's time to
say good night Dick.
- Well, okay, but I'd rather
say good night Raquel.
- I'm not so sure
she's interested.
Don't you think you might
have rubbed her the wrong way?
- No, but I'm willing
to give that try.
- Somebody talking about me?
- Yes, we wanted to thank you
for being on the show tonight,
you were a delight.
- Well thank you for having
me Dan and by the way,
say good night to
that, what's his name.
- Mmhmm.
- What do you mean what's
his name, what did I do?
Why's everybody, you know,
what is it when you're
against somebody?
- Anti-, anti-
- Oh auntie's fine,
nice of you to ask,
my goodness, she sends
her best to you too Dan.
- Does she?
- She was wondering if
you still remember the time
you were both
trapped in the Yukon
while hunting Alaskan
polar bear on skis?
- Now, I don't remember that.
- I'm surprised.
If I ever saw an Alaskan
polar bear on skis,
I'd never forget it.
- Say good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
Oh, and thanks for letting
me work with Gladys.
I learned a lot from that girl.
(trumpet exit music)
- Good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
- America very funny country,
call president by first name.
I say, good night Mr. President.
- Good night ladies
and gentlemen
and now stay tuned
for the rest of our show.
(slide whistle)
Raquel?
How do you make a lion tamer?
- Well I find a couple
martinis usual does the trick.
(audience laughing)
- John, what do you get when
you cross a lion with a fly?
- I dunno, but if you swat
it, you better not miss.
- If I lion tries to borrow
money, what do you give him?
- [All] Anything he wants!
- Hey Ruthie!
- [Ruth] Yes, Larry, what?
- What has longhair
and purple feet?
- Oh, a lion who
makes his own wine.
- Uh, Dicky.
- Yeah babe?
- What would be the best
time and the best place
to see lions on the prowl?
- Any bar in Detroit
after a game.
- Hey Morita, I'm
sorry, (laughing)
Does and lion ever go on a diet?
- Sure, he only eats midgets.
- Raquel. Yoohoo!
- Yeah?
- How do you find a lion's den?
- You turn left when
you get to his kitchen.
- What night does the lion watch
Monday night at the movies?
- [All] Any time he wants to.
(comical music)
(single person clapping)