Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 9 - Episode #4.9 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Most network executives
get worried and upset
when a show goes off the air.
Here at NBC they do the
same thing when laughing
goes on the air.
(laughter)
- How about that for
a jolly whacker folks?
(laughter)
Let's hear it out there, folks!
- Oh, now listen, listen.
- For a little Call-you Reiner!
(laughter)
Hey Carl, your toupee slipped!
Whoop!
Oh, oh no, don't do that!
- That's better.
- You kill me!
You're funny,
you're really the
funniest guy I know!
(lively music)
- Now Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-in presents the news
with Dick Martin sitting
in for Dan Rowan,
and Dan Rowan
standing in for Dick Martin.
- Good evening, this is
either Dick Martin in Portly,
New Jersey.
- Or this is Dan Rowan
in Seattle, Washington.
Now, continuing that
story, we switch you to
Carl Reiner in Washington, D.C.
- The Bureau of Indian
Affairs just announced
that Chief Running
Eagle has volunteered
for services in Vietnam.
After 19 years
on the reservation,
he said he wanted a
taste of the good life.
(laughter)
- And our pixie people at
the poll taker, Artie Johnson.
(mumbling unintelligently)
- I'm taking your survey.
- Uh-Huh.
- Yes or no?
- Here's your Hollywood
news with busy Ruth Buzzy!
- Last night I saw Audrey
Hepburn in a blouse
that was close to nothing!
- Big Allan Zeus
with the sports.
- Hi!
And here's an incomplete score.
Mickey Rooney, seven.
- Lily Tomlin with
this late message.
- Sorry, Herbie, I'm late.
(laughter)
- Oops!
Now from this late military
report from Dennis Allen.
- Sorry, sir, I'm late too!
(laughter)
- Well, neither one of
you will be late again.
- And Johnny Brown with
the latest development
at the Paris peace talks.
(snoring)
- Here's Miss Ann Elder
covering the fashion front.
- Eek!
Eek!
- Here's Nancy Philips with
this report on flying saucers.
- I can now report,
flying saucers are real.
The air force is a rumor.
- And little Barbara
Sharmer with all the news
from the White House.
(muffled speaking)
- And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice.
Having a small party? Pick
up a six pack of dwarves!
(unintelligible yelling)
- Excuse me, Dona Slatterovitch.
I thought you were Boris.
- Oh, it's nothing, Ivan.
Lots of times I'm mishtooken
for my teenage son.
(laughter)
(Here Comes the Bride plays)
- Ooh!
Honey, I'm so nervous!
- You're nervous?
If my wife finds out
about this she'll kill me!
What's worse, she
may not let me out
Thursday nights anymore!
(upbeat music)
- Would you have a
look at my carburetor?
- Sure would, lady.
That's a fine-looking
carburetor.
That'll be four dollars.
You got anything else
you want me to look at?
- And now, folks, here are..
- [Woman] Mr. Reiner!
You're a writer,
director, and producer.
Do you think that you
could find a part for me?
- It looks like you could
use a couple of parts.
(laughter)
Gee, she's pretty
when she's angry.
Speaking of parts,
here are the winners
in our runnerup
contest, Dan and Dick.
(applause)
- Hi there!
Well, we've got a big, what's
that, what have you got?
- It's, uh,
- Don't have to sneak, everything
in the open on this show.
- You're kidding.
- It's a plug, it's an ad?
- It's an ad for a book club.
- You're going to
join a book club?
- That's funny, so am I!
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah!
See I join up, and I get
three great books for $1.29.
- Oh really, what kind
are you gonna get?
- Uh, two red ones
and a green one.
- Well that's the dumbest
thing I ever heard of!
- Well they go great
with my new rug!
- You don't buy books
by the color of the books!
- Well, maybe so, but
my library is gorgeous!
- Look, well I don't
think you can really call
three books a library!
- Ooh, I've got lots of books.
You see, I join the club, I
get the three books, you see.
Then I quit, change my
name, and join the club again!
- Well they're gonna,
that's fraudulent!
- Good.
That's a good name, I
haven't used that one.
Fred Fraudulent.
I'll use that.
- In the first place, you
don't just put books up on
the shelf and look
at 'em by the color.
It's no way to get,
books are to be read.
- I got two reds, yeah.
- No, I mean, don't
you ever read books?
- Oh sure, sure,
sure, sure sure.
- Oh, good.
What do you like best, you
like fiction or non-fiction?
- Well, actually
I like real books.
- Biographies?
- No, real books
about real things.
Things that really happened
like Gone with the Wind.
- Gone with the Wind
didn't really happen,
that's a book of fiction,
it's about the South
and the Civil War.
- Well now, that just
shows you what you know.
The South was
not in the Civil War!
They were too busy
fighting the North!
See? That you don't know.
It's right there in the book!
- I read the book, there
isn't anything to do with...
- You wouldn't talk
that way anyway
if Clark Gable were
here to defend himself!
- What has Clark
Gable got to do with it?
- Oh, who could ever forget
the moment when he said,
'Frankly my dear, I'm
gonna build a dam!'
- That's not what he said.
- Well, I know, but
this is a family show.
- Oh, well, whatever then.
I'm glad you're
collecting books,
you're bound to read
some of them sometime.
I'm fairly well read
myself, you know.
- That's funny, those
are my favorites too.
- What?
- The red ones,
just like Clark Gable.
I'm crazy about you, Scarlett.
- Scarlet, red.
- See, scarlet red!
- Yeah, I see how you see that.
- He wouldn't say, 'I'm
crazy about you, red.'
- No, I'm crazy
about you, Scarlett.
- You wanna watch me
build my damn today?
- No, I don't wanna
watch you build a,
hey, you'd think Scarlett'd
like to go to the party?
- Hey, good idea, maybe
we can get some books there.
- You never know, might
find something to read.
- I'd love to read
something scarlet.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, Barbara, have you tried
the new Spiro Agnew cocktail?
One drink and you
can't close your mouth.
- That's not very funny, Carl.
- It is if you're a Democrat.
(upbeat music)
- Speaking of mustard, I
have just perfected a vehicle
that is absolutely
safe, perfectly quiet,
and emits no exhaust.
Now if I could
only get it to move.
(upbeat music)
- You know, Carl, the FCC
has been doing such a good job
of getting violence
out of television.
Maybe they should also
be in charge of the war.
(upbeat music)
- You know, I don't
mind when people say
two out of three
Americans are overweight.
What does bug me is
when two out of three they're
referring to are me.
(upbeat music)
- I tell you, if they keep
adding men to the police force,
a girl won't be safe
on the streets anymore!
(upbeat music)
- We had to throw Maurice
out of the motorcycle club.
You know what he did?
He rode up to the last
rumble riding sidesaddle.
(upbeat music)
- Bonjour.
Arie's keeping his eye
on the stock market.
If it gets any lower,
he's going to buy it.
(upbeat music)
- You know, Mr. Reiner,
I heard that the Egyptians
face east 15 times every day.
- Is that part of
their religion?
- No, they're just real
nervous about the Israeli army.
(upbeat music)
- I just don't understand
some of the things
Martha Mitchell says.
What's worse, neither does she.
(upbeat music)
- And now, the song
that all Burbank is singing.
The hills are alive
With the sound of bowling
- Very interesting,
but too ethnic.
Unless you like big tonsils.
(laughter)
- Dear friends,
this is Chaplain Bud Homily
here with a thought for the day.
Life is like a river, it
flows along for awhile but
eventually it hits
that final dam.
(laughter)
Thank you.
Oh thank you.
- Ah, Mamavitch, Prince
Mamavitch, forgive me my lateness!
- I forgive it you.
Even, Federovivitch,
why not toast it?
- Let us toast it!
To Akim Tamiro!
- Akim Tamiro!
(shattering glass)
- To Maria Ouspenskaya!
- Maria Ouspenskaya!
(shattering glass)
- To Leonid Kinskey!
- Leonid Kinskey!
- Leonid Kinskey!
(shattering glass)
- To Jim Nabors!
- Jim Nabors!
(glass shattering)
Ah, is good, is good!
- Ya!
(glass shattering)
(laughter)
- Let us talk!
Do you remember?
- The fox hunts!
- The way we used to
holemyadi with the bityeztes!
- Ah, the holemyadi
with the bityeztes!
- And how about the hobienzes?
- I never involved
myself with the hobienzes.
- The hobienzes weren't too bad!
If you got, now once
you saw one hobienze,
you saw them all!
- For fear of contamination,
I didn't fool with
the hobienzes.
- Then remember the peasants!
- And the fancy dress balls.
- And the peasants!
- And the duels!
- And the peasants!
- [Both] The peasants!
Ugh!
- Who asked ya?
- It's seven o'clock and
the ball is about to begin.
- The ball is about to begin!
- Just one word.
You sir, serve from the left.
And Bolski, a little
faster parking those cars!
- Before we start,
one last dance
with the princess?
- No, I have this
dance, I'm sorry.
- No, no no, the
princess, the princess.
- The princess.
You lead, this time
I'll be the princess.
- But I want to be the princess!
- But I'm wearing my high heels!
- Then for the next two
times, I'll be the princess.
- Then you could
be the princess.
- May I have this dance?
- Oh, sure, and I'm left alone.
(laughter)
- Friends here, just a present
for a girl who kisses a lot.
A gift certificate to
have her lips retreaded.
- My friend's wife just
gave birth to a midget,
so he's handing out cigar butts.
I'm terribly sorry.
- My boyfriend Freddy has
always respected me for my mind.
I did not let him kiss
me square on the mouth
till our fifth date.
Two, four, six, eight, boy
have I made Freddy wait.
(upbeat music)
- See, then upon entering
the honeymoon suite,
the male should gently place
the female on the nuptial bed.
- Gee, your mother sure
has a way with words!
- I remember her well,
that voice of doom.
(upbeat music)
- Would you check
my headlights, please?
- Sure would, ma'am.
- That'll be four
dollars, please.
- Mr. Reiner, gee.
I'm a big a fan of
yours, you know.
Oh, you're a producer,
director, writer, comedian.
If I had all that to do,
I'd be pulling my hair out.
- That's right.
Pleasure.
- [Narrator] This is
an optical illusion.
This square sometimes
looks like a circle.
- Hi...
- Hi, Dan!
- Good evening sir.
- I was trying to shake
up the sound man a bit.
- You sure did,
you just lifted the old
things right off his ears.
- Got him, didn't I?
- Smarts, doesn't it?
Tonight, we're
gonna, - What's new?
- That's, that's it,
that's what we're doing.
- That's what? What, what what?
- When you say what's new,
that's what we're
talking about tonight.
The Mod Mod World's gonna
take a look at the news media.
- No thanks, I like mine rare.
- I'm not talking about cooking,
I'm talking about the
dissemination of news,
the news media, the
dissemination of news through
magazines, radio,
television, newspapers!
- Those are mediums?
- When you have more than
one medium, that's media, yes.
Media.
- Oh, if I get more than
one medium I fire the cook.
You see, I like mine rare.
- I'm not talking about cooking,
I'm talking about the
way people keep informed,
the way they get the news.
Where do you get your news?
- Mrs. Bowling.
- Who is Mrs. Bowling?
- She's my neighbor,
she knows everything.
She doesn't miss
a trick, I'll tell you.
- Well see that's what's wrong.
People don't really
know the difference.
That's not news, that's gossip.
She's a gossip.
- No no no, she's
Presbyterian, actually.
- I don't care,
her religion hasn't
anything to do with it!
- You're right, what
difference should religion make
amongst friends?
All I know is when I
wanna find out anything,
I ask old Mrs. Bowling.
- Old Mrs. Bowling?
Suppose she gathers all
the news and distills it for you?
- No, she drinks
right out of the bottle.
- Worst thing I've heard.
Where are you gonna get the
news if Mrs. Bowling goes away?
Then you're going to,
- She didn't tell me
she was leaving.
Where'd she go?
- I don't know
where she's going,
say she goes on a vacation.
- You know what, I'll bet
she went out to Bishop,
California, the fishing's
great this time of year.
- I don't want to hear
about the fishing in Bishop.
- Neither do I, not
since the dog died.
- I'm sorry to have
heard about that.
- I came out here to talk
about the news media,
you get me into some
discussion about some woman
named Bowling who's going
on a fishing trip to Bishop.
- That's a terrible
thing to say!
Just because you
don't like Presbyterians,
you take it out on
poor Mrs. Bowling!
- I haven't got anything
against Presybterians
or Mrs. Bowling.
Let's take a look at the Mod
World of the news media!
- Might as well, as long as
Mrs. Bowling's gone fishing.
Extra, extra, read all about it
See all about it
Give all about it
Extra, extra, what can you lose
Ladies and gents,
land in books galore
Uptight, space
out, right on news
What would you do
without your daily news
Without your magazines
Without your news reports
How would you know
the latest Agnew caper
If you don't read
it in the pony paper
How would you find
out many lurid facts
About the bloody ax
The killer's mad attacks
How would you know if
skirts are low or higher
If you didn't have news
If you didn't have time,
if you didn't have flight
If you didn't have Cronkite
Who would know if
someone tossed a bomb
If we didn't have route,
if we didn't have trades
If we didn't have Brinkley
How could we be sure
we're still in Vietnam
What would we do without a radio
Without a columnist
Without a TV show
What would we do
without communications
Keeping us in the spin
If we didn't tongues, if
we didn't have smoke
If we didn't have tum tum
If we didn't have wires
If we didn't have phones
If we didn't have gossip
If we didn't have press
Then we wouldn't have news
Then it's possible
no one would know
What a crazy mixed-up
weird weird world we're in
If we didn't have
news (applause)
- [Newsies] Extra, extra!
- People have always been
anxious to hear the latest news.
In primitive times,
man transmitted news
by the crudest means.
But man wasn't always
happy about what he heard,
and the first
newspaper was born.
Then man made another
startling discovery.
People would actually
pay to read this newspaper.
But man wasn't always
happy about what he read.
It was shortly after that other
means of telling the news
came about.
(drums)
But man wasn't always
happy about what he'd heard.
It wasn't until years
later that man discovered
the ultimate in communication,
a way he could actually
watch the latest news.
But man wasn't always
happy with what he saw.
And so the years passed,
and man is finally able
to report the news as it
happens, when it happens.
- Good evening.
Today in, the President
announced he will be forced to,
but it will not affect
the, said Senator of.
But Governor, says he will.
The National Guard is, and
they will be brought to justice.
- So, some people are still
unhappy about what they
hear and see.
Perhaps one day in the future
man will finally discover
a way of reporting
the news so it will not
be offensive to anyone.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Well, it is time for the
Spiro Agnew news report.
- As you know, no
news is good news,
so here's the good news.
- We're not going to present
the Spiro Agnew news report.
Say, that is good news!
- You know, TV has made
news and sports reporting
much more accurate than
it was in the days of radio.
- Provowsky's got the ball,
he picks up a left tackle.
There's a big hole
in the open at the 35.
Provowsky's at the 40, 45,
50, 40, 40, nobody's here
and he's going all the way.
Provowsky's at the 30,
- That's not Provowsky,
he's on the bench.
That's Stilowitz!
- Provowsky's at the ten,
he lands it to
Stilowitz at the five,
touchdown Stilowitz, it's over!
The fighting Irish win!
- I remember when young people
weren't interested in the news.
Now they're starring in it.
- The administration on
occasion has been super critical
of today's news media.
We wonder how they might
react if news was communicated
as it was in the old days,
when wandering minstrels
went about telling the
topics of the day in song.
Like this.
- Sir, it's time for the news.
- Alright, send him in.
- Right.
France has acquired
the atomic bomb
The President's
withdrawing from Vietnam
The stock market rolls,
Jackie's got a new gown
Mideast tension grows,
now the stock market's down
Campus unrest is at a new height
Hardhats and hippies
just had a big fight
Martha Mitchell keeps talking
A new play just flopped
John Mitchell is squawking
The stock market dropped
Economy's rising
Inflation has stopped
Inflation is rising
The stock market's dropped
The world situation
gets tenser and tenser
The President thinks
that the news needs a
- Censor!
Young man, I'll tell
you one more time.
This is the way that
the news should be told
With rhetoric neither
too hot nor too cold
With very good words
about Capitol Hill
If a newsman won't
do it, your president will
- Now that's the way
the news should be done.
- They don't write songs like
that anymore, thank Heavens.
- You see by tying
a rock to a stick,
you can crush a man's
head with a single blow!
- Oh!
If this works, it'll put
an end to war forever!
- Let's try!
- Good!
It's gone, my headache is gone!
- If you wanna know
what's going on in this crazy
mixed-up world, well
you can't just depend only
on your daily newspaper!
For the real crazy
mixed-up world,
you might look through
the classified section
of an underground newspaper.
- Bell bottom
swinger wants to meet
(clicking noise)
dingaling!
- Slightly pregnant lady
desires to meet anyone with car.
Object, Tijuana.
I just love Mexican weddings.
- Swinging boy, 10 years old,
wants to meet swinging chick,
10 or 11.
Let's swing together,
unless you prefer the seesaw.
- Creative body painter
wants to meet girl
with creative body.
- Divorcee with 12
children wants to meet
interior decorator.
- An upstanding righteous
lady desires to meet
and upstanding
righteous gentlemen.
Object, hypocrisy.
- A message from the
parents of Whitey Littlefield,
age 38, red hair, brown eyes.
Dear Whitey, please, leave home.
- For sale, the ideal gift
for newlywed hippies.
Love beads made
of birth control pills.
- Masochistic protester
desires to meet sadistic cop.
- Man, 85, desires
to meet boy of 19.
Object, transplants.
Got a heart?
- Telling time by the length
of our shadows is not working.
- Why not?
- Well, when we call a meeting,
the tall ones arrive early,
and the short ones never
show up at all!
You weren't there.
- You're a waste of height.
(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] As we said,
sometimes no news is good news.
- Excuse me, we
still have no news
about your missing husband.
- Good!
Dance on, Bruno!
- Hey, who was that bum?
- And now back to a
look at the news media.
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Hey, mister, would you buy
my last paper so I can go home?
- Sure, kid, how much?
- 200 dollars.
- 200 dollars?
- Yeah, I live in Omaha.
- I do believe that television
news is more tasteful,
and much more dependable
than the newspaper.
After all, no newsboy
will ever throw your TV set
up on your roof.
Thank you.
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Murder, war, poverty, sex!
- Wait a minute, I'll
take one of those.
Here.
- Okay.
Extra, extra, read all about it!
Poverty, sex, war!
- Wait a minute, I see
everything but I don't see any sex.
- Hey, why don't you
try getting married?
(upbeat music)
- The networks have finally
come up with a method
for instant analysis of
the Presidential speeches
that they feel the White
House will not find objectionable.
- You have just heard an
address by the President
of the United States.
And here is our panel
of network newsman
for this instant
analysis of what he said.
Gentlemen?
(all three men talking at once)
- [All Men] Thank you.
- I think it's positively
amazing that every day
just enough things happen
to fill every newspaper
in the whole world.
- Imagine what the
evening news would be like
if they had to report the
news tastefully and truthfully.
Let's take a look.
- Good evening.
- Well, truthfully, it's
not a good evening,
it's pouring rain outside.
- This is Don
Bradley, in Hollywood.
- His true name
is Don Bradowski,
and we're not
actually in Hollywood,
we're in our studio
in nearby Burbank.
- Tonight's big story
concerns my retiring
from news telecasting.
- Truth is, he's not
retiring, he's been fired.
- I'm looking forward to
moving to my ranch in Wyoming.
- It's a sanitarium in Syracuse.
- Where I plan to raise cattle.
- Actually he's
making finger paintings
and weaving baskets.
I'll spend the rest of my
years in peace and tranquility.
Goodnight, goodbye.
- [Director] Cut!
- Of course you realize
you've just destroyed me
in front of millions of people.
Your comments have left
me without a shred of dignity.
My good name and my reputation,
and our friendship is done with.
I never wish to see you again.
Goodbye!
No!
What would we do
without a journalist
Without an editor
Without a TV set
What could we use to
wrap our favorite fish in
How would we learn about sin
If we didn't have press
Then we wouldn't have news
And it's possible
no one would know
What a crazy mixed-up
weird weird world we're in
La la dee da
Ladies and gents, laugh
and look at the news
(applause)
- Well, that's been our
look at the news media.
The power of mass
communication makes us probably
the most informed
nation in the world.
- It does?
- Sure, for instance, just look
at how much the White House
under President Nixon's
been using the media
to reach the people.
You know that President
Nixon uses, depends more
on television than
Lyndon Johnson.
- Well of course he does,
why would he depend
on LBJ for anything?
- No, I, that's not,
you can't discuss anything
of any importance with you.
- Well of course
you can, just try.
- Alright, well suppose I
brought up the economy.
- Well it's about
time somebody did.
- All I gotta say is we
gotta do something about
the high cost of loving.
- It's living.
- It certainly is.
(upbeat music)
- You know, I'm happy we
decided not to marry and
just stay good friends.
- The children are
happy about it too.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Gee, Mr. Garner,
I sure enjoyed you
in Support Your Local Sheriff.
- I'm not James Garner.
- I know, we just
have that joke left over
when he was on
the show last year.
- That's no joke.
- Well, that suit is.
(upbeat music)
(quiet talking, giggling)
- Oh, you're cute.
The other day we were
chasing a bank robber
in our squad car, and
the traffic was so heavy
it got away.
Of course he had the advantage.
He was on foot.
(upbeat music)
- I just lost a good part
because the director said
I never paid any attention
when he talked to me.
At least that's
what I think he said.
(upbeat music)
- Annie!
Come here a minute.
Sorry, Carl.
- Yes, Dick?
- What was it you wanted?
- Oh.
Oh, I remember, Dick.
I wanted to tell you that
I thought the kids today
were terribly tough.
- Tough, are you kidding?
I grew up in a
neighborhood so tough,
the welcome wagon was a hearse.
(upbeat music)
- Our club refuses to
support the feminist position
that women ought
to be equal with men.
After all, why should
we lower ourselves?
(upbeat music)
- I know someone who just
went to the Masters and Johnson's
sex institute.
He was kept after school
every day for being good in class.
(upbeat music)
- Would you send in
the first patient please?
Thank you.
- Hello, doc, ooh!
- Oh, gee, gee, how's it going?
- Well I got this little
painful twinge here.
It really kind of worries me.
- Oh, really?
Oh, I wouldn't worry,
I've had painful twinges.
- You have?
- Mmhmm, mmhmm.
- Where?
- Right here, in the shoulder.
- No kidding.
- Let me look at
that, where is it?
- Well it's right around here.
- Does that hurt?
- Ah!
Oh are you kidding?
That, oh.
- How long has this
been bothering you?
- It's about a week.
- No kidding.
I wish you told me
about this sooner.
- Well, you know, I mean.
- Let me just try something.
- Okay.
Again, please.
Oh, that did it, that did it.
- You alright?
- That's much
better, I can move.
- Now, let me
know if this acts up.
- Okay, fine.
When do you think I
should see you again?
- Well let me see, I
think I can see you,
how about next Tuesday?
- Fine, I'll send you a check.
- Okay, see you later.
- Okay, fine.
Send in the next
patient, please.
Thank you.
- Oh, hi, I'm a little
rushed today, Doctor,
so just take two Aspirins
and call me in the morning.
- Oh, fine.
- Goodbye.
- Bless you.
(upbeat music)
- Do you have
change for a dollar?
- That'll be four
dollars, please.
(Here Comes the Bride plays)
- Of course I'll
still respect you!
- Well where've you been?
It's time to introduce
the quickies.
- Well I just, I'm
sorry I'm late,
I just had my eyes
tested by an optimist.
- You didn't have your
eyes tested by an optimist.
- I was too.
- No, you didn't either.
You had them checked
by an optometrist.
An optimist is a person
who is always hopeful.
- Aha, that's the one!
You should see the bill
that there's a lot of hope
I'm gonna pay.
- Well, what'd the doctor
say about your eyes?
They okay?
- No, that they're a
beautiful shade of blue.
- Now that's a stupid
thing for a doctor to say.
- Well, I don't think
so, and neither did she.
- She, hey, would
you do me a favor?
- What's that?
- Watch out, keep an
eye on the quickies.
- That's funny, that's
what my doctor told me!
- To keep an eye
on the quickies?
- 38, 28, 38.
(upbeat music)
(gunfire)
- There must be
10,000 of 'em out there.
- Yeah.
Hello, honey?
I gotta work late again tonight.
No, don't wait up, I'll get
a bite on the way home.
- Nancy?
- Hmm?
- Does news involving death
ever affect you emotionally?
- Only once, when I heard
that the bunny had died.
- Oh yes.
- Long live those bunnies.
(upbeat music)
- Nancy, you know what?
- What?
- This, I have a hearing aid on.
It's so fan, you can't even
tell that, you can't see it,
it's so tiny and good,
it's only five, it's got
five transistors, it's a
fabulous hearing aid.
- Well, how much was it?
- 20 after eight.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(gunfire)
- [Radio] Hello, this
is the commander.
I need a man to rush
that enemy pill box
and get in a couple of grenades
before they cut you down.
Any volunteers?
- Right, sir.
Here, it's for you.
(coughing)
- Oh!
(glass shattering)
- Oh, Grandpa, you
just dropped a mirror,
now you're gonna have
seven years bad luck!
Oh, Grandpa!
Oh.
- I'll take it.
(gunfire)
- They're coming, it
must be 500 of 'em.
Quick, do something!
- Alright.
Hello, Colonel Sanders?
Could I have 500
buckets of chicken?
Fast!
- The bulk of my estate of
two million dollars I leave
to my devoted goldfish, Bertan.
If anything should happen
to him, the entire estate
will revert to my trusted
housekeeper, Emma Guper.
- Oh!
Did you hear that, Bertan?
You're a millionaire!
Did you hear it?
Bertan, Bertan!
Bertan, millionaire!
- Unless Bertan's death
should be in some way
contrived by some individual,
at which time all
moneys shall be given to
the Los Angeles
Police Department.
- Oh, Bertan, Bertan!
(upbeat music)
- Well, that's so
much for the quickies.
We would like you, Dick?
- Mmm?
- I say, that's enough
for the quickies.
- Oh.
What's that?
- What do you mean, what's that?
It's my turtle, Donna.
- You wear a turtle
around your neck?
- That's funny, so do I!
- His name is Donna.
- Can I ask a question?
- Yeah, what is that?
- Why do you wear a
turtle round your neck?
- Well, we tried it the other
way, and it just didn't work.
- What's it for?
- I use him for telling time.
- Okay, what time is it?
- I really don't know.
- [Both] He's been
running a little slow lately.
- Later that same day.
- A greyhound owned a
rabbit that he entered in a race
against a turtle.
The turtle lost, and
the greyhound ate him.
Moral?
Don't start up with the dog
of the hare that beat you.
(drums)
- Carol, I'd like you
to meet Ted and Alice.
- Oh, Bob!
(upbeat music)
- This war against
Philip doth not go well.
Could we but learn the
enemy's strength and position!
- Sire, this news cometh.
Even now do I expect
the return of him
whom I sent forth as a spy.
One Shakespeare,
William Shakespeare.
Ah, 'tis he.
- Ah!
Quick man, what did you learn?
- E'en so, as morn's first beam,
thy feebus did I birgeth,
bright did I aspire to describe.
Full noisome the sonorous
clamor of advertently scurting
to fay forth in the fray.
- Oh yes, yes man, but how
many cannons and where?
- Thy cannon, cannon!
Likened unto the
awesome turrets of malice
that guard forbearably
in burned steel,
whose sons, Zeus,
- Get to it, man!
Which way are they coming?
- North, north!
There beckons Borious!
- North, from the north?
- Borious, whose
eyes they clutch,
doth attenuate the feeble
horizons into the south,
where Zeus, Zeus...
- South, south, he said south.
- But he also said north!
- Which is it, man,
north or south?
- It is the equinox,
whence Apollo amongst
the learned Greeks did wend
westward,
- Westward, westward,
he said westward.
Is that it, are they
coming from the west?
- Or the north?
- Or the south?
- These be but the cardinal
points, whence did Agamemnon
wend into the fabled east!
- East?
- East, he said
east, I heard him!
- But he said south?
- He said north, too!
Is that what he said?
- I also heard west.
- We're surrounded!
We must flee for our lives!
- They flee!
Strange.
I sought north,
south, east, and west
and saw no one, no one at all!
Oh well, I tried to tell them,
and in telling them, I got
such a thirst and hunger!
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- That'll be fine.
Thank you.
Now would you
bring in my husband?
- Certainly.
Which way shall I put him?
- This way.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Would you bring in
my psychiatrist, please?
- Yes sir, certainly.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Can I get to Main
Street from here?
- No.
- Why not?
- Well, cause you
got two flat tires.
- That'll be four
dollars, please.
- And now, another episode
with the Farkel family,
entitled Frank Farkel
and his electric morsel.
We join them as we hear Frank
Farkel say to his dear Fanny.
- We join them as hear Frank
Farkel say to his dear Fanny.
- Someone just said
to his dear Fanny,
you've got it out of order!
- Out of order, my dear Fanny?
Imagine, my dear
fanny out of order.
Anyway, I'm Frank Farkel,
this is my dear Fanny,
out of order.
Our trusted friend and
neighbor Ferd, the kids,
and our children.
How's Trix, Ferd?
- She's fine.
By the way Frank, where's
your youngest son, Marty Farkel?
- Strange, I haven't
seen him around lately.
Where can he be?
- Marty Farkel went off.
- To Muckluck Lapland.
- Of course, dear Marty Farkel!
How I miss him.
I'll never forget his dear face.
Hark, who could that be?
(doorbell)
- Hi!
I'm your youngest
son, I went off to explore
Muckluck Lapland, remember?
- No, can't say I do.
- I'm Marty Farkel.
- I'm Frank Farkel.
- Here Fanny Farkel.
- Arty Farkel, Marty.
- Simon here, Marty Farkel.
- Art and Garfarkel may here.
- And here.
- Hey!
- Flicker Farkel.
- Hey!
- I sure was!
Nevertheless, I was the first
outsider in Muckluck Lapland.
- Just then, - He was the first
- Outsider in Muckluck
Lapland, mmm!
- And I have met the
loveliest lass in Lapland,
I have brought her home.
- Hark, who can that be?
(doorbell)
- Remember the Lapland
lass I lately lauded?
- No, can't say I do!
- Well, her name is Luckme!
She's from Muckluck Lapland.
Meet Lapland's loveliest
lass, Luckme from Muckluck!
Just think, I was the first
outsider in Muckluck Lapland!
- He was - The
first - Outsider in
- Muckluck - Lapland, mmm!
- Just then - He was the second
- Outsider in - Muckluck
- Lapland, mmm!
- Don't avoid forgetting
to tune in next week, folks,
when we'll hear Ferd Berfel say,
- That's a lovely looking
Lapland lass you've landed there!
- Mmm.
- And that's the truth.
(fart noises)
- You know, Doris?
You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever met in my life.
- Ah!
I bet you say that to
all the beautiful girls!
I bet you don't even
know the color of my eyes!
- Of course I do!
They're red.
- How did you ever remember?
- Cause they're the
same color as your nose!
- Oh, flatterer!
I can't get my
hands off my face!
(unintelligible speaking)
- You didn't say goodnight!
(upbeat music)
- Just face north.
It's time once again to
present our Whoopy Award!
- Yethir!
- Yes, sir.
- Yethir.
Tonight, our golden gadget
goes to 25 young people
who found a new way to
protest for peace within the nation.
- That's right, these youngsters
were running to demonstrate
that there are
better ways to protest
than rioting and
burning down buildings.
- They made a lot of friends
for peace movement in
our nation and all the way
from Los Angeles to Sacramento.
- That's true.
- As a matter of fact, many
police chiefs along the way,
they greeted the group and
they signed the peace flag
that they were carrying.
- Oh, that's a switch.
Well, here's to you, gang,
for showing that there are
positive ways of
expressing discontent.
- Tune in next week when
our Whoopy Award goes to
Little Miss Jeanie Beager!
- Oh, what'd she do?
- Well, for one thing,
she didn't run all the way
from Sacramento, she
stayed right here with me.
Whoopy!
- Well, that's our
show for tonight, folks.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Hold it!
Don't you wanna hear who's
gonna be with us next week?
- Not particularly.
- I'm glad you're
not particular,
cause we're having
Boffle the talking dog.
- Talking dog?
What does he say?
- I can't tell you.
- Now, wait a minute,
you can't come out here
and tell the people we're
gonna have a talking dog
on the show and then
refuse to say what he's gonna
talk about or what
he's gonna say.
- Well if I told
you what he says,
we'd never be
able to get him on.
- You're not intimating this
dog says naughty words?
- No, no, he spells them.
- Now, where on Earth
would a dog learn to spell
naughty words?
- Well, for one thing he
was in the Navy for 20 years.
- Now, they say them,
but they don't spell 'em.
- Boffle was an
officer, you see.
- I don't.
We're not gonna have any
dog on the show that spells
naughty words, folks.
- Okay, but don't blame me
if you start getting a bunch
of obscene letters.
He also writes.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
And goodnight, Boffle.
Keep those cards
and letters coming in.
(upbeat music)
- Did you know that Hugh
Hefner flunked his bunny test?
- Well, what do you expect
from a guy who builds an empire
based on the moral
standards of a rabbit?
- Now, listen.
- What is it, Margaret?
- You'll like this one.
- I hope so.
- I know a girl who
went out with Gig Young
and returned an old lady.
- Oh, I didn't like that.
- I returned an old lady
once, I got four empty bottles!
- Oh, get in there, Allen!
- I knew that wouldn't
work, I tried it, I tried it.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
(unintelligible speech
in heavy accent)
- Calm down!
Wait for me, you dirty old man!
You're driving me bananas!
- Hello, Ruth!
Did you know that motherhood
is the invention of necessity?
- Oh, Lily!
That was great!
- Thanks, and now here's Carl!
- Hello.
You know folk, an egg shampoo
is really great for your hair!
The only problem
is getting the chicken
to stand on your head.
(applauding)
- Okay, hold it down!
Hello.
Last night I went to a
movie that was so boring,
the guy sitting next to me
put his hand on my knee
and fell asleep.
- I met my wife in an airplane
in the first class section.
First class!
You know there oughta
be a truth in seating law.
- Oh Hoolahan!
- Yes?
- Would you like to
see Lovers Leap?
- Oh, I'd love to!
- Then throw cold water on them.
- Oh, Dan, that's so rude.
I could get a chill myself!
(screaming)
- You know, Dan and Dick,
if hemlines drop any lower
on dresses this year,
we're liable to have a nun
on the best dressed list!
- Ruth!
- Yes?
- What is converted rice?
- Probably Catholic.
- Knock knock.
- Not now, who's there?
I cannot stand that
anymore, that's so rude!
(applause)
I don't understand that,
you know, I'm very clean
about my person, I've
never done anything rude.
(upbeat music)
(crashing)
- Many years from now,
historians will look back at
Rowan and Martin's
laugh-in and say,
that show was pre-recorded.
- I think my windshield
wiper's broken.
- You're right.
That'll be four dollars please.
Want me to try the other one?
- You're very mean.
If my aim were better, I'd
drive right over your foot.
- Okay, but that'll
be four dollars too.
- [Crowd] Surprise!
- Do you know any
of these people?
- I never saw them
before in my life!
- I don't know any Filipinos!
This isn't the place,
let's get outta here!
(upbeat music)
- Very interesting.
Cause you know I really
like the dat, dat Carl Reiner.
That, that man is a
shining examkable.
He is tops!
He is really tops!
- That was no nice
of you, Wolfgang.
So nice.
- And speaking of shining
tops, here's Herr Reiner!
- Oh, no no no, don't
say, don't make fun.
- Okay, here's Hairless Reiner.
- Oh, come on, Wolfgang, with
the bad jokes about my hair?
I'm disappointed in you,
you're a cute little fella.
- I've got a million
of those kind.
But that wasn't a joke
about hair, mine Herr.
That, mine Herr, was
a joke about no hair,
because you are
doubtless, thank goodness,
you are the only
hairless Herr here.
- May I suggest
something constructive?
- Yes?
- Why don't you go?
- Yes, but I, - Shut up and go.
- But, but, I, I,
- Go, just shut up
and go to your bunker.
- I am in my bunker!
- Then I'm going to
the officer's mess,
I don't wanna share
a bunker with you.
- She won't talk to you either!
Today, gone tomorrow,
that's what we always say.
But Lucy, my little babaloo,
I wouldn't get in your hair
for anything!
And as for you,
Mr. Arness, with that horse,
I wouldn't mess with that horse,
cause that horse
is a waste of height.
(laughter)
Back to the glue factory,
as we say in the industry!
- Goodnight, America, and
goodnight, Mr. President!
That was a little Spirohuette
just for you, Mr. Agnew.
- AM and FM.
(percussion music)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Most network executives
get worried and upset
when a show goes off the air.
Here at NBC they do the
same thing when laughing
goes on the air.
(laughter)
- How about that for
a jolly whacker folks?
(laughter)
Let's hear it out there, folks!
- Oh, now listen, listen.
- For a little Call-you Reiner!
(laughter)
Hey Carl, your toupee slipped!
Whoop!
Oh, oh no, don't do that!
- That's better.
- You kill me!
You're funny,
you're really the
funniest guy I know!
(lively music)
- Now Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-in presents the news
with Dick Martin sitting
in for Dan Rowan,
and Dan Rowan
standing in for Dick Martin.
- Good evening, this is
either Dick Martin in Portly,
New Jersey.
- Or this is Dan Rowan
in Seattle, Washington.
Now, continuing that
story, we switch you to
Carl Reiner in Washington, D.C.
- The Bureau of Indian
Affairs just announced
that Chief Running
Eagle has volunteered
for services in Vietnam.
After 19 years
on the reservation,
he said he wanted a
taste of the good life.
(laughter)
- And our pixie people at
the poll taker, Artie Johnson.
(mumbling unintelligently)
- I'm taking your survey.
- Uh-Huh.
- Yes or no?
- Here's your Hollywood
news with busy Ruth Buzzy!
- Last night I saw Audrey
Hepburn in a blouse
that was close to nothing!
- Big Allan Zeus
with the sports.
- Hi!
And here's an incomplete score.
Mickey Rooney, seven.
- Lily Tomlin with
this late message.
- Sorry, Herbie, I'm late.
(laughter)
- Oops!
Now from this late military
report from Dennis Allen.
- Sorry, sir, I'm late too!
(laughter)
- Well, neither one of
you will be late again.
- And Johnny Brown with
the latest development
at the Paris peace talks.
(snoring)
- Here's Miss Ann Elder
covering the fashion front.
- Eek!
Eek!
- Here's Nancy Philips with
this report on flying saucers.
- I can now report,
flying saucers are real.
The air force is a rumor.
- And little Barbara
Sharmer with all the news
from the White House.
(muffled speaking)
- And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice.
Having a small party? Pick
up a six pack of dwarves!
(unintelligible yelling)
- Excuse me, Dona Slatterovitch.
I thought you were Boris.
- Oh, it's nothing, Ivan.
Lots of times I'm mishtooken
for my teenage son.
(laughter)
(Here Comes the Bride plays)
- Ooh!
Honey, I'm so nervous!
- You're nervous?
If my wife finds out
about this she'll kill me!
What's worse, she
may not let me out
Thursday nights anymore!
(upbeat music)
- Would you have a
look at my carburetor?
- Sure would, lady.
That's a fine-looking
carburetor.
That'll be four dollars.
You got anything else
you want me to look at?
- And now, folks, here are..
- [Woman] Mr. Reiner!
You're a writer,
director, and producer.
Do you think that you
could find a part for me?
- It looks like you could
use a couple of parts.
(laughter)
Gee, she's pretty
when she's angry.
Speaking of parts,
here are the winners
in our runnerup
contest, Dan and Dick.
(applause)
- Hi there!
Well, we've got a big, what's
that, what have you got?
- It's, uh,
- Don't have to sneak, everything
in the open on this show.
- You're kidding.
- It's a plug, it's an ad?
- It's an ad for a book club.
- You're going to
join a book club?
- That's funny, so am I!
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah!
See I join up, and I get
three great books for $1.29.
- Oh really, what kind
are you gonna get?
- Uh, two red ones
and a green one.
- Well that's the dumbest
thing I ever heard of!
- Well they go great
with my new rug!
- You don't buy books
by the color of the books!
- Well, maybe so, but
my library is gorgeous!
- Look, well I don't
think you can really call
three books a library!
- Ooh, I've got lots of books.
You see, I join the club, I
get the three books, you see.
Then I quit, change my
name, and join the club again!
- Well they're gonna,
that's fraudulent!
- Good.
That's a good name, I
haven't used that one.
Fred Fraudulent.
I'll use that.
- In the first place, you
don't just put books up on
the shelf and look
at 'em by the color.
It's no way to get,
books are to be read.
- I got two reds, yeah.
- No, I mean, don't
you ever read books?
- Oh sure, sure,
sure, sure sure.
- Oh, good.
What do you like best, you
like fiction or non-fiction?
- Well, actually
I like real books.
- Biographies?
- No, real books
about real things.
Things that really happened
like Gone with the Wind.
- Gone with the Wind
didn't really happen,
that's a book of fiction,
it's about the South
and the Civil War.
- Well now, that just
shows you what you know.
The South was
not in the Civil War!
They were too busy
fighting the North!
See? That you don't know.
It's right there in the book!
- I read the book, there
isn't anything to do with...
- You wouldn't talk
that way anyway
if Clark Gable were
here to defend himself!
- What has Clark
Gable got to do with it?
- Oh, who could ever forget
the moment when he said,
'Frankly my dear, I'm
gonna build a dam!'
- That's not what he said.
- Well, I know, but
this is a family show.
- Oh, well, whatever then.
I'm glad you're
collecting books,
you're bound to read
some of them sometime.
I'm fairly well read
myself, you know.
- That's funny, those
are my favorites too.
- What?
- The red ones,
just like Clark Gable.
I'm crazy about you, Scarlett.
- Scarlet, red.
- See, scarlet red!
- Yeah, I see how you see that.
- He wouldn't say, 'I'm
crazy about you, red.'
- No, I'm crazy
about you, Scarlett.
- You wanna watch me
build my damn today?
- No, I don't wanna
watch you build a,
hey, you'd think Scarlett'd
like to go to the party?
- Hey, good idea, maybe
we can get some books there.
- You never know, might
find something to read.
- I'd love to read
something scarlet.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, Barbara, have you tried
the new Spiro Agnew cocktail?
One drink and you
can't close your mouth.
- That's not very funny, Carl.
- It is if you're a Democrat.
(upbeat music)
- Speaking of mustard, I
have just perfected a vehicle
that is absolutely
safe, perfectly quiet,
and emits no exhaust.
Now if I could
only get it to move.
(upbeat music)
- You know, Carl, the FCC
has been doing such a good job
of getting violence
out of television.
Maybe they should also
be in charge of the war.
(upbeat music)
- You know, I don't
mind when people say
two out of three
Americans are overweight.
What does bug me is
when two out of three they're
referring to are me.
(upbeat music)
- I tell you, if they keep
adding men to the police force,
a girl won't be safe
on the streets anymore!
(upbeat music)
- We had to throw Maurice
out of the motorcycle club.
You know what he did?
He rode up to the last
rumble riding sidesaddle.
(upbeat music)
- Bonjour.
Arie's keeping his eye
on the stock market.
If it gets any lower,
he's going to buy it.
(upbeat music)
- You know, Mr. Reiner,
I heard that the Egyptians
face east 15 times every day.
- Is that part of
their religion?
- No, they're just real
nervous about the Israeli army.
(upbeat music)
- I just don't understand
some of the things
Martha Mitchell says.
What's worse, neither does she.
(upbeat music)
- And now, the song
that all Burbank is singing.
The hills are alive
With the sound of bowling
- Very interesting,
but too ethnic.
Unless you like big tonsils.
(laughter)
- Dear friends,
this is Chaplain Bud Homily
here with a thought for the day.
Life is like a river, it
flows along for awhile but
eventually it hits
that final dam.
(laughter)
Thank you.
Oh thank you.
- Ah, Mamavitch, Prince
Mamavitch, forgive me my lateness!
- I forgive it you.
Even, Federovivitch,
why not toast it?
- Let us toast it!
To Akim Tamiro!
- Akim Tamiro!
(shattering glass)
- To Maria Ouspenskaya!
- Maria Ouspenskaya!
(shattering glass)
- To Leonid Kinskey!
- Leonid Kinskey!
- Leonid Kinskey!
(shattering glass)
- To Jim Nabors!
- Jim Nabors!
(glass shattering)
Ah, is good, is good!
- Ya!
(glass shattering)
(laughter)
- Let us talk!
Do you remember?
- The fox hunts!
- The way we used to
holemyadi with the bityeztes!
- Ah, the holemyadi
with the bityeztes!
- And how about the hobienzes?
- I never involved
myself with the hobienzes.
- The hobienzes weren't too bad!
If you got, now once
you saw one hobienze,
you saw them all!
- For fear of contamination,
I didn't fool with
the hobienzes.
- Then remember the peasants!
- And the fancy dress balls.
- And the peasants!
- And the duels!
- And the peasants!
- [Both] The peasants!
Ugh!
- Who asked ya?
- It's seven o'clock and
the ball is about to begin.
- The ball is about to begin!
- Just one word.
You sir, serve from the left.
And Bolski, a little
faster parking those cars!
- Before we start,
one last dance
with the princess?
- No, I have this
dance, I'm sorry.
- No, no no, the
princess, the princess.
- The princess.
You lead, this time
I'll be the princess.
- But I want to be the princess!
- But I'm wearing my high heels!
- Then for the next two
times, I'll be the princess.
- Then you could
be the princess.
- May I have this dance?
- Oh, sure, and I'm left alone.
(laughter)
- Friends here, just a present
for a girl who kisses a lot.
A gift certificate to
have her lips retreaded.
- My friend's wife just
gave birth to a midget,
so he's handing out cigar butts.
I'm terribly sorry.
- My boyfriend Freddy has
always respected me for my mind.
I did not let him kiss
me square on the mouth
till our fifth date.
Two, four, six, eight, boy
have I made Freddy wait.
(upbeat music)
- See, then upon entering
the honeymoon suite,
the male should gently place
the female on the nuptial bed.
- Gee, your mother sure
has a way with words!
- I remember her well,
that voice of doom.
(upbeat music)
- Would you check
my headlights, please?
- Sure would, ma'am.
- That'll be four
dollars, please.
- Mr. Reiner, gee.
I'm a big a fan of
yours, you know.
Oh, you're a producer,
director, writer, comedian.
If I had all that to do,
I'd be pulling my hair out.
- That's right.
Pleasure.
- [Narrator] This is
an optical illusion.
This square sometimes
looks like a circle.
- Hi...
- Hi, Dan!
- Good evening sir.
- I was trying to shake
up the sound man a bit.
- You sure did,
you just lifted the old
things right off his ears.
- Got him, didn't I?
- Smarts, doesn't it?
Tonight, we're
gonna, - What's new?
- That's, that's it,
that's what we're doing.
- That's what? What, what what?
- When you say what's new,
that's what we're
talking about tonight.
The Mod Mod World's gonna
take a look at the news media.
- No thanks, I like mine rare.
- I'm not talking about cooking,
I'm talking about the
dissemination of news,
the news media, the
dissemination of news through
magazines, radio,
television, newspapers!
- Those are mediums?
- When you have more than
one medium, that's media, yes.
Media.
- Oh, if I get more than
one medium I fire the cook.
You see, I like mine rare.
- I'm not talking about cooking,
I'm talking about the
way people keep informed,
the way they get the news.
Where do you get your news?
- Mrs. Bowling.
- Who is Mrs. Bowling?
- She's my neighbor,
she knows everything.
She doesn't miss
a trick, I'll tell you.
- Well see that's what's wrong.
People don't really
know the difference.
That's not news, that's gossip.
She's a gossip.
- No no no, she's
Presbyterian, actually.
- I don't care,
her religion hasn't
anything to do with it!
- You're right, what
difference should religion make
amongst friends?
All I know is when I
wanna find out anything,
I ask old Mrs. Bowling.
- Old Mrs. Bowling?
Suppose she gathers all
the news and distills it for you?
- No, she drinks
right out of the bottle.
- Worst thing I've heard.
Where are you gonna get the
news if Mrs. Bowling goes away?
Then you're going to,
- She didn't tell me
she was leaving.
Where'd she go?
- I don't know
where she's going,
say she goes on a vacation.
- You know what, I'll bet
she went out to Bishop,
California, the fishing's
great this time of year.
- I don't want to hear
about the fishing in Bishop.
- Neither do I, not
since the dog died.
- I'm sorry to have
heard about that.
- I came out here to talk
about the news media,
you get me into some
discussion about some woman
named Bowling who's going
on a fishing trip to Bishop.
- That's a terrible
thing to say!
Just because you
don't like Presbyterians,
you take it out on
poor Mrs. Bowling!
- I haven't got anything
against Presybterians
or Mrs. Bowling.
Let's take a look at the Mod
World of the news media!
- Might as well, as long as
Mrs. Bowling's gone fishing.
Extra, extra, read all about it
See all about it
Give all about it
Extra, extra, what can you lose
Ladies and gents,
land in books galore
Uptight, space
out, right on news
What would you do
without your daily news
Without your magazines
Without your news reports
How would you know
the latest Agnew caper
If you don't read
it in the pony paper
How would you find
out many lurid facts
About the bloody ax
The killer's mad attacks
How would you know if
skirts are low or higher
If you didn't have news
If you didn't have time,
if you didn't have flight
If you didn't have Cronkite
Who would know if
someone tossed a bomb
If we didn't have route,
if we didn't have trades
If we didn't have Brinkley
How could we be sure
we're still in Vietnam
What would we do without a radio
Without a columnist
Without a TV show
What would we do
without communications
Keeping us in the spin
If we didn't tongues, if
we didn't have smoke
If we didn't have tum tum
If we didn't have wires
If we didn't have phones
If we didn't have gossip
If we didn't have press
Then we wouldn't have news
Then it's possible
no one would know
What a crazy mixed-up
weird weird world we're in
If we didn't have
news (applause)
- [Newsies] Extra, extra!
- People have always been
anxious to hear the latest news.
In primitive times,
man transmitted news
by the crudest means.
But man wasn't always
happy about what he heard,
and the first
newspaper was born.
Then man made another
startling discovery.
People would actually
pay to read this newspaper.
But man wasn't always
happy about what he read.
It was shortly after that other
means of telling the news
came about.
(drums)
But man wasn't always
happy about what he'd heard.
It wasn't until years
later that man discovered
the ultimate in communication,
a way he could actually
watch the latest news.
But man wasn't always
happy with what he saw.
And so the years passed,
and man is finally able
to report the news as it
happens, when it happens.
- Good evening.
Today in, the President
announced he will be forced to,
but it will not affect
the, said Senator of.
But Governor, says he will.
The National Guard is, and
they will be brought to justice.
- So, some people are still
unhappy about what they
hear and see.
Perhaps one day in the future
man will finally discover
a way of reporting
the news so it will not
be offensive to anyone.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Well, it is time for the
Spiro Agnew news report.
- As you know, no
news is good news,
so here's the good news.
- We're not going to present
the Spiro Agnew news report.
Say, that is good news!
- You know, TV has made
news and sports reporting
much more accurate than
it was in the days of radio.
- Provowsky's got the ball,
he picks up a left tackle.
There's a big hole
in the open at the 35.
Provowsky's at the 40, 45,
50, 40, 40, nobody's here
and he's going all the way.
Provowsky's at the 30,
- That's not Provowsky,
he's on the bench.
That's Stilowitz!
- Provowsky's at the ten,
he lands it to
Stilowitz at the five,
touchdown Stilowitz, it's over!
The fighting Irish win!
- I remember when young people
weren't interested in the news.
Now they're starring in it.
- The administration on
occasion has been super critical
of today's news media.
We wonder how they might
react if news was communicated
as it was in the old days,
when wandering minstrels
went about telling the
topics of the day in song.
Like this.
- Sir, it's time for the news.
- Alright, send him in.
- Right.
France has acquired
the atomic bomb
The President's
withdrawing from Vietnam
The stock market rolls,
Jackie's got a new gown
Mideast tension grows,
now the stock market's down
Campus unrest is at a new height
Hardhats and hippies
just had a big fight
Martha Mitchell keeps talking
A new play just flopped
John Mitchell is squawking
The stock market dropped
Economy's rising
Inflation has stopped
Inflation is rising
The stock market's dropped
The world situation
gets tenser and tenser
The President thinks
that the news needs a
- Censor!
Young man, I'll tell
you one more time.
This is the way that
the news should be told
With rhetoric neither
too hot nor too cold
With very good words
about Capitol Hill
If a newsman won't
do it, your president will
- Now that's the way
the news should be done.
- They don't write songs like
that anymore, thank Heavens.
- You see by tying
a rock to a stick,
you can crush a man's
head with a single blow!
- Oh!
If this works, it'll put
an end to war forever!
- Let's try!
- Good!
It's gone, my headache is gone!
- If you wanna know
what's going on in this crazy
mixed-up world, well
you can't just depend only
on your daily newspaper!
For the real crazy
mixed-up world,
you might look through
the classified section
of an underground newspaper.
- Bell bottom
swinger wants to meet
(clicking noise)
dingaling!
- Slightly pregnant lady
desires to meet anyone with car.
Object, Tijuana.
I just love Mexican weddings.
- Swinging boy, 10 years old,
wants to meet swinging chick,
10 or 11.
Let's swing together,
unless you prefer the seesaw.
- Creative body painter
wants to meet girl
with creative body.
- Divorcee with 12
children wants to meet
interior decorator.
- An upstanding righteous
lady desires to meet
and upstanding
righteous gentlemen.
Object, hypocrisy.
- A message from the
parents of Whitey Littlefield,
age 38, red hair, brown eyes.
Dear Whitey, please, leave home.
- For sale, the ideal gift
for newlywed hippies.
Love beads made
of birth control pills.
- Masochistic protester
desires to meet sadistic cop.
- Man, 85, desires
to meet boy of 19.
Object, transplants.
Got a heart?
- Telling time by the length
of our shadows is not working.
- Why not?
- Well, when we call a meeting,
the tall ones arrive early,
and the short ones never
show up at all!
You weren't there.
- You're a waste of height.
(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] As we said,
sometimes no news is good news.
- Excuse me, we
still have no news
about your missing husband.
- Good!
Dance on, Bruno!
- Hey, who was that bum?
- And now back to a
look at the news media.
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Hey, mister, would you buy
my last paper so I can go home?
- Sure, kid, how much?
- 200 dollars.
- 200 dollars?
- Yeah, I live in Omaha.
- I do believe that television
news is more tasteful,
and much more dependable
than the newspaper.
After all, no newsboy
will ever throw your TV set
up on your roof.
Thank you.
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Murder, war, poverty, sex!
- Wait a minute, I'll
take one of those.
Here.
- Okay.
Extra, extra, read all about it!
Poverty, sex, war!
- Wait a minute, I see
everything but I don't see any sex.
- Hey, why don't you
try getting married?
(upbeat music)
- The networks have finally
come up with a method
for instant analysis of
the Presidential speeches
that they feel the White
House will not find objectionable.
- You have just heard an
address by the President
of the United States.
And here is our panel
of network newsman
for this instant
analysis of what he said.
Gentlemen?
(all three men talking at once)
- [All Men] Thank you.
- I think it's positively
amazing that every day
just enough things happen
to fill every newspaper
in the whole world.
- Imagine what the
evening news would be like
if they had to report the
news tastefully and truthfully.
Let's take a look.
- Good evening.
- Well, truthfully, it's
not a good evening,
it's pouring rain outside.
- This is Don
Bradley, in Hollywood.
- His true name
is Don Bradowski,
and we're not
actually in Hollywood,
we're in our studio
in nearby Burbank.
- Tonight's big story
concerns my retiring
from news telecasting.
- Truth is, he's not
retiring, he's been fired.
- I'm looking forward to
moving to my ranch in Wyoming.
- It's a sanitarium in Syracuse.
- Where I plan to raise cattle.
- Actually he's
making finger paintings
and weaving baskets.
I'll spend the rest of my
years in peace and tranquility.
Goodnight, goodbye.
- [Director] Cut!
- Of course you realize
you've just destroyed me
in front of millions of people.
Your comments have left
me without a shred of dignity.
My good name and my reputation,
and our friendship is done with.
I never wish to see you again.
Goodbye!
No!
What would we do
without a journalist
Without an editor
Without a TV set
What could we use to
wrap our favorite fish in
How would we learn about sin
If we didn't have press
Then we wouldn't have news
And it's possible
no one would know
What a crazy mixed-up
weird weird world we're in
La la dee da
Ladies and gents, laugh
and look at the news
(applause)
- Well, that's been our
look at the news media.
The power of mass
communication makes us probably
the most informed
nation in the world.
- It does?
- Sure, for instance, just look
at how much the White House
under President Nixon's
been using the media
to reach the people.
You know that President
Nixon uses, depends more
on television than
Lyndon Johnson.
- Well of course he does,
why would he depend
on LBJ for anything?
- No, I, that's not,
you can't discuss anything
of any importance with you.
- Well of course
you can, just try.
- Alright, well suppose I
brought up the economy.
- Well it's about
time somebody did.
- All I gotta say is we
gotta do something about
the high cost of loving.
- It's living.
- It certainly is.
(upbeat music)
- You know, I'm happy we
decided not to marry and
just stay good friends.
- The children are
happy about it too.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Gee, Mr. Garner,
I sure enjoyed you
in Support Your Local Sheriff.
- I'm not James Garner.
- I know, we just
have that joke left over
when he was on
the show last year.
- That's no joke.
- Well, that suit is.
(upbeat music)
(quiet talking, giggling)
- Oh, you're cute.
The other day we were
chasing a bank robber
in our squad car, and
the traffic was so heavy
it got away.
Of course he had the advantage.
He was on foot.
(upbeat music)
- I just lost a good part
because the director said
I never paid any attention
when he talked to me.
At least that's
what I think he said.
(upbeat music)
- Annie!
Come here a minute.
Sorry, Carl.
- Yes, Dick?
- What was it you wanted?
- Oh.
Oh, I remember, Dick.
I wanted to tell you that
I thought the kids today
were terribly tough.
- Tough, are you kidding?
I grew up in a
neighborhood so tough,
the welcome wagon was a hearse.
(upbeat music)
- Our club refuses to
support the feminist position
that women ought
to be equal with men.
After all, why should
we lower ourselves?
(upbeat music)
- I know someone who just
went to the Masters and Johnson's
sex institute.
He was kept after school
every day for being good in class.
(upbeat music)
- Would you send in
the first patient please?
Thank you.
- Hello, doc, ooh!
- Oh, gee, gee, how's it going?
- Well I got this little
painful twinge here.
It really kind of worries me.
- Oh, really?
Oh, I wouldn't worry,
I've had painful twinges.
- You have?
- Mmhmm, mmhmm.
- Where?
- Right here, in the shoulder.
- No kidding.
- Let me look at
that, where is it?
- Well it's right around here.
- Does that hurt?
- Ah!
Oh are you kidding?
That, oh.
- How long has this
been bothering you?
- It's about a week.
- No kidding.
I wish you told me
about this sooner.
- Well, you know, I mean.
- Let me just try something.
- Okay.
Again, please.
Oh, that did it, that did it.
- You alright?
- That's much
better, I can move.
- Now, let me
know if this acts up.
- Okay, fine.
When do you think I
should see you again?
- Well let me see, I
think I can see you,
how about next Tuesday?
- Fine, I'll send you a check.
- Okay, see you later.
- Okay, fine.
Send in the next
patient, please.
Thank you.
- Oh, hi, I'm a little
rushed today, Doctor,
so just take two Aspirins
and call me in the morning.
- Oh, fine.
- Goodbye.
- Bless you.
(upbeat music)
- Do you have
change for a dollar?
- That'll be four
dollars, please.
(Here Comes the Bride plays)
- Of course I'll
still respect you!
- Well where've you been?
It's time to introduce
the quickies.
- Well I just, I'm
sorry I'm late,
I just had my eyes
tested by an optimist.
- You didn't have your
eyes tested by an optimist.
- I was too.
- No, you didn't either.
You had them checked
by an optometrist.
An optimist is a person
who is always hopeful.
- Aha, that's the one!
You should see the bill
that there's a lot of hope
I'm gonna pay.
- Well, what'd the doctor
say about your eyes?
They okay?
- No, that they're a
beautiful shade of blue.
- Now that's a stupid
thing for a doctor to say.
- Well, I don't think
so, and neither did she.
- She, hey, would
you do me a favor?
- What's that?
- Watch out, keep an
eye on the quickies.
- That's funny, that's
what my doctor told me!
- To keep an eye
on the quickies?
- 38, 28, 38.
(upbeat music)
(gunfire)
- There must be
10,000 of 'em out there.
- Yeah.
Hello, honey?
I gotta work late again tonight.
No, don't wait up, I'll get
a bite on the way home.
- Nancy?
- Hmm?
- Does news involving death
ever affect you emotionally?
- Only once, when I heard
that the bunny had died.
- Oh yes.
- Long live those bunnies.
(upbeat music)
- Nancy, you know what?
- What?
- This, I have a hearing aid on.
It's so fan, you can't even
tell that, you can't see it,
it's so tiny and good,
it's only five, it's got
five transistors, it's a
fabulous hearing aid.
- Well, how much was it?
- 20 after eight.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(gunfire)
- [Radio] Hello, this
is the commander.
I need a man to rush
that enemy pill box
and get in a couple of grenades
before they cut you down.
Any volunteers?
- Right, sir.
Here, it's for you.
(coughing)
- Oh!
(glass shattering)
- Oh, Grandpa, you
just dropped a mirror,
now you're gonna have
seven years bad luck!
Oh, Grandpa!
Oh.
- I'll take it.
(gunfire)
- They're coming, it
must be 500 of 'em.
Quick, do something!
- Alright.
Hello, Colonel Sanders?
Could I have 500
buckets of chicken?
Fast!
- The bulk of my estate of
two million dollars I leave
to my devoted goldfish, Bertan.
If anything should happen
to him, the entire estate
will revert to my trusted
housekeeper, Emma Guper.
- Oh!
Did you hear that, Bertan?
You're a millionaire!
Did you hear it?
Bertan, Bertan!
Bertan, millionaire!
- Unless Bertan's death
should be in some way
contrived by some individual,
at which time all
moneys shall be given to
the Los Angeles
Police Department.
- Oh, Bertan, Bertan!
(upbeat music)
- Well, that's so
much for the quickies.
We would like you, Dick?
- Mmm?
- I say, that's enough
for the quickies.
- Oh.
What's that?
- What do you mean, what's that?
It's my turtle, Donna.
- You wear a turtle
around your neck?
- That's funny, so do I!
- His name is Donna.
- Can I ask a question?
- Yeah, what is that?
- Why do you wear a
turtle round your neck?
- Well, we tried it the other
way, and it just didn't work.
- What's it for?
- I use him for telling time.
- Okay, what time is it?
- I really don't know.
- [Both] He's been
running a little slow lately.
- Later that same day.
- A greyhound owned a
rabbit that he entered in a race
against a turtle.
The turtle lost, and
the greyhound ate him.
Moral?
Don't start up with the dog
of the hare that beat you.
(drums)
- Carol, I'd like you
to meet Ted and Alice.
- Oh, Bob!
(upbeat music)
- This war against
Philip doth not go well.
Could we but learn the
enemy's strength and position!
- Sire, this news cometh.
Even now do I expect
the return of him
whom I sent forth as a spy.
One Shakespeare,
William Shakespeare.
Ah, 'tis he.
- Ah!
Quick man, what did you learn?
- E'en so, as morn's first beam,
thy feebus did I birgeth,
bright did I aspire to describe.
Full noisome the sonorous
clamor of advertently scurting
to fay forth in the fray.
- Oh yes, yes man, but how
many cannons and where?
- Thy cannon, cannon!
Likened unto the
awesome turrets of malice
that guard forbearably
in burned steel,
whose sons, Zeus,
- Get to it, man!
Which way are they coming?
- North, north!
There beckons Borious!
- North, from the north?
- Borious, whose
eyes they clutch,
doth attenuate the feeble
horizons into the south,
where Zeus, Zeus...
- South, south, he said south.
- But he also said north!
- Which is it, man,
north or south?
- It is the equinox,
whence Apollo amongst
the learned Greeks did wend
westward,
- Westward, westward,
he said westward.
Is that it, are they
coming from the west?
- Or the north?
- Or the south?
- These be but the cardinal
points, whence did Agamemnon
wend into the fabled east!
- East?
- East, he said
east, I heard him!
- But he said south?
- He said north, too!
Is that what he said?
- I also heard west.
- We're surrounded!
We must flee for our lives!
- They flee!
Strange.
I sought north,
south, east, and west
and saw no one, no one at all!
Oh well, I tried to tell them,
and in telling them, I got
such a thirst and hunger!
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- That'll be fine.
Thank you.
Now would you
bring in my husband?
- Certainly.
Which way shall I put him?
- This way.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Would you bring in
my psychiatrist, please?
- Yes sir, certainly.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Can I get to Main
Street from here?
- No.
- Why not?
- Well, cause you
got two flat tires.
- That'll be four
dollars, please.
- And now, another episode
with the Farkel family,
entitled Frank Farkel
and his electric morsel.
We join them as we hear Frank
Farkel say to his dear Fanny.
- We join them as hear Frank
Farkel say to his dear Fanny.
- Someone just said
to his dear Fanny,
you've got it out of order!
- Out of order, my dear Fanny?
Imagine, my dear
fanny out of order.
Anyway, I'm Frank Farkel,
this is my dear Fanny,
out of order.
Our trusted friend and
neighbor Ferd, the kids,
and our children.
How's Trix, Ferd?
- She's fine.
By the way Frank, where's
your youngest son, Marty Farkel?
- Strange, I haven't
seen him around lately.
Where can he be?
- Marty Farkel went off.
- To Muckluck Lapland.
- Of course, dear Marty Farkel!
How I miss him.
I'll never forget his dear face.
Hark, who could that be?
(doorbell)
- Hi!
I'm your youngest
son, I went off to explore
Muckluck Lapland, remember?
- No, can't say I do.
- I'm Marty Farkel.
- I'm Frank Farkel.
- Here Fanny Farkel.
- Arty Farkel, Marty.
- Simon here, Marty Farkel.
- Art and Garfarkel may here.
- And here.
- Hey!
- Flicker Farkel.
- Hey!
- I sure was!
Nevertheless, I was the first
outsider in Muckluck Lapland.
- Just then, - He was the first
- Outsider in Muckluck
Lapland, mmm!
- And I have met the
loveliest lass in Lapland,
I have brought her home.
- Hark, who can that be?
(doorbell)
- Remember the Lapland
lass I lately lauded?
- No, can't say I do!
- Well, her name is Luckme!
She's from Muckluck Lapland.
Meet Lapland's loveliest
lass, Luckme from Muckluck!
Just think, I was the first
outsider in Muckluck Lapland!
- He was - The
first - Outsider in
- Muckluck - Lapland, mmm!
- Just then - He was the second
- Outsider in - Muckluck
- Lapland, mmm!
- Don't avoid forgetting
to tune in next week, folks,
when we'll hear Ferd Berfel say,
- That's a lovely looking
Lapland lass you've landed there!
- Mmm.
- And that's the truth.
(fart noises)
- You know, Doris?
You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever met in my life.
- Ah!
I bet you say that to
all the beautiful girls!
I bet you don't even
know the color of my eyes!
- Of course I do!
They're red.
- How did you ever remember?
- Cause they're the
same color as your nose!
- Oh, flatterer!
I can't get my
hands off my face!
(unintelligible speaking)
- You didn't say goodnight!
(upbeat music)
- Just face north.
It's time once again to
present our Whoopy Award!
- Yethir!
- Yes, sir.
- Yethir.
Tonight, our golden gadget
goes to 25 young people
who found a new way to
protest for peace within the nation.
- That's right, these youngsters
were running to demonstrate
that there are
better ways to protest
than rioting and
burning down buildings.
- They made a lot of friends
for peace movement in
our nation and all the way
from Los Angeles to Sacramento.
- That's true.
- As a matter of fact, many
police chiefs along the way,
they greeted the group and
they signed the peace flag
that they were carrying.
- Oh, that's a switch.
Well, here's to you, gang,
for showing that there are
positive ways of
expressing discontent.
- Tune in next week when
our Whoopy Award goes to
Little Miss Jeanie Beager!
- Oh, what'd she do?
- Well, for one thing,
she didn't run all the way
from Sacramento, she
stayed right here with me.
Whoopy!
- Well, that's our
show for tonight, folks.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Hold it!
Don't you wanna hear who's
gonna be with us next week?
- Not particularly.
- I'm glad you're
not particular,
cause we're having
Boffle the talking dog.
- Talking dog?
What does he say?
- I can't tell you.
- Now, wait a minute,
you can't come out here
and tell the people we're
gonna have a talking dog
on the show and then
refuse to say what he's gonna
talk about or what
he's gonna say.
- Well if I told
you what he says,
we'd never be
able to get him on.
- You're not intimating this
dog says naughty words?
- No, no, he spells them.
- Now, where on Earth
would a dog learn to spell
naughty words?
- Well, for one thing he
was in the Navy for 20 years.
- Now, they say them,
but they don't spell 'em.
- Boffle was an
officer, you see.
- I don't.
We're not gonna have any
dog on the show that spells
naughty words, folks.
- Okay, but don't blame me
if you start getting a bunch
of obscene letters.
He also writes.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
And goodnight, Boffle.
Keep those cards
and letters coming in.
(upbeat music)
- Did you know that Hugh
Hefner flunked his bunny test?
- Well, what do you expect
from a guy who builds an empire
based on the moral
standards of a rabbit?
- Now, listen.
- What is it, Margaret?
- You'll like this one.
- I hope so.
- I know a girl who
went out with Gig Young
and returned an old lady.
- Oh, I didn't like that.
- I returned an old lady
once, I got four empty bottles!
- Oh, get in there, Allen!
- I knew that wouldn't
work, I tried it, I tried it.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
(unintelligible speech
in heavy accent)
- Calm down!
Wait for me, you dirty old man!
You're driving me bananas!
- Hello, Ruth!
Did you know that motherhood
is the invention of necessity?
- Oh, Lily!
That was great!
- Thanks, and now here's Carl!
- Hello.
You know folk, an egg shampoo
is really great for your hair!
The only problem
is getting the chicken
to stand on your head.
(applauding)
- Okay, hold it down!
Hello.
Last night I went to a
movie that was so boring,
the guy sitting next to me
put his hand on my knee
and fell asleep.
- I met my wife in an airplane
in the first class section.
First class!
You know there oughta
be a truth in seating law.
- Oh Hoolahan!
- Yes?
- Would you like to
see Lovers Leap?
- Oh, I'd love to!
- Then throw cold water on them.
- Oh, Dan, that's so rude.
I could get a chill myself!
(screaming)
- You know, Dan and Dick,
if hemlines drop any lower
on dresses this year,
we're liable to have a nun
on the best dressed list!
- Ruth!
- Yes?
- What is converted rice?
- Probably Catholic.
- Knock knock.
- Not now, who's there?
I cannot stand that
anymore, that's so rude!
(applause)
I don't understand that,
you know, I'm very clean
about my person, I've
never done anything rude.
(upbeat music)
(crashing)
- Many years from now,
historians will look back at
Rowan and Martin's
laugh-in and say,
that show was pre-recorded.
- I think my windshield
wiper's broken.
- You're right.
That'll be four dollars please.
Want me to try the other one?
- You're very mean.
If my aim were better, I'd
drive right over your foot.
- Okay, but that'll
be four dollars too.
- [Crowd] Surprise!
- Do you know any
of these people?
- I never saw them
before in my life!
- I don't know any Filipinos!
This isn't the place,
let's get outta here!
(upbeat music)
- Very interesting.
Cause you know I really
like the dat, dat Carl Reiner.
That, that man is a
shining examkable.
He is tops!
He is really tops!
- That was no nice
of you, Wolfgang.
So nice.
- And speaking of shining
tops, here's Herr Reiner!
- Oh, no no no, don't
say, don't make fun.
- Okay, here's Hairless Reiner.
- Oh, come on, Wolfgang, with
the bad jokes about my hair?
I'm disappointed in you,
you're a cute little fella.
- I've got a million
of those kind.
But that wasn't a joke
about hair, mine Herr.
That, mine Herr, was
a joke about no hair,
because you are
doubtless, thank goodness,
you are the only
hairless Herr here.
- May I suggest
something constructive?
- Yes?
- Why don't you go?
- Yes, but I, - Shut up and go.
- But, but, I, I,
- Go, just shut up
and go to your bunker.
- I am in my bunker!
- Then I'm going to
the officer's mess,
I don't wanna share
a bunker with you.
- She won't talk to you either!
Today, gone tomorrow,
that's what we always say.
But Lucy, my little babaloo,
I wouldn't get in your hair
for anything!
And as for you,
Mr. Arness, with that horse,
I wouldn't mess with that horse,
cause that horse
is a waste of height.
(laughter)
Back to the glue factory,
as we say in the industry!
- Goodnight, America, and
goodnight, Mr. President!
That was a little Spirohuette
just for you, Mr. Agnew.
- AM and FM.
(percussion music)