Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 8 - Episode #4.8 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
our special guest star,
Carol Channing.
(applause)
- Oh hey, Carol, it's great to
have you on the show again.
- Oh gee, it's nice
to be here, Dick.
- Yep, things are really
going well for you, honey, gee.
You're a smash in London,
you broke all
records in Las Vegas.
- Now you've got a new
Broadway show opening.
- Yeah, oh well I
do hope it's a hit.
- So does Barbara Streisand.
(audience laughing)
- Golly gosh, it's so nice
to be back on Laugh-In.
- Thought you'd like it.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
time now for the classics, as
NBC once more is unsuccessful
in preventing Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the
distinguished Dan Rowan,
and the extinguished
Dick Martin,
with their special guest
star Carol Channing.
I see now the popular
conductor, Ian Bernard,
is mounting the podium.
(tinkling circus music)
- [Announcer] It's Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In
with Arte Johnson
and Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues and Lily Tomlin.
Plus Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Nancy Phillips and
Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Milltown
Cross, goodbye.
It's good to be here with Carol
She's really our favorite guest
Always a cuckoo
who's bright and jolly
This must be the
second act of Hello Dolly!
Good to be here with Carol
She's certainly one of the best
Carol's the greatest
Carol's the sweetest
Carol's the niftiest
Nicest and neatest
It's good to be here with Carol
She's really our favorite
Golly gosh, I gotta say
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
You'll do the news
song And then a quickie
Wonder if I'll get to talk
with Dan and Dickie?
Good to be back in Burbank
I miss it wherever I
go Tyrone and Gladys
Edith and Sparkle
Merlin the Magnificent
And he's feeling sparkle
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
It's really my favorite
Hey, let's get it all together
Good to be here on Laugh-In
We'll shape up our list as we go
Careful of trap doors right
Watch out for water yes
Shun the fickle finger and
beware of George Schlatter yeah
Good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really our favorite
I'm gonna savor it
Really our favorite
I'm gonna pay for it
Really our favorite
show (applause)
- I'm looking
forward to the show.
Hi Alan, hi Johnny.
- Boy, am I just-
- Hi, Ruthie.
- Lily wait for me.
- Carol, I'd love to
stay and chat with you.
- You see what I mean?
It's great to be
back on Laugh-In.
- Oh,
oh this sandwich is so stale,
I'm so tired of
eating leftovers.
What am I going to do?
- [Narrator] Man from
blood, man from blood,
woman in distress!
(slide whistle)
- Madam, I have a solution.
Put your leftovers
in a handy Glud bag,
with a foldy lock top,
and put it in the icebox,
and it will stay
fresh for years.
- Listen you big blonde Adonis,
why don't we go
into the living room,
and I'll show you what fresh is.
- I'm sorry, madam,
that's not my bag.
(slide whistle)
- Frodo Baggins lives!
- You've come a long way, baby.
(kettle drum)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little, carefree car, Pinto!
(upbeat music)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(crashing noise)
- This is my third
appearance on Laugh-In.
Two more and they'll
release my children.
- Ms. Chamming, it
comes to the time now
for to make a big introductions.
- Oh, yeah, ah, how do
you do Mr. Rosmenko,
my name is Carol Channing.
- Miss Chamming, Miss
Chamming, you're a charming,
the personality
for to meeting you.
But you're a cuckoo.
- No, no, no, I'm
Carol Channing,
how do you do Mr. Rosmenko.
- Yes, Miss Chamming,
see this is for you to
make an introducing them.
- (laughs) Oh yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Them.
- That is not even close.
I hope your play runs as long
as the introducing is making.
I give with you one more chance.
Introduce it, Roman un Marvum.
- Ah, yes, I see.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ruth Roman and Lee Marvin.
- You finally got it!
- Yeah!
(laughing)
- You're good, you're
good, you're beautiful!
Take it away, Rolunt and Markum.
- The walk gets longer
each time, doesn't it?
Well hello again
out there, folks.
- Hey listen, do you
wanna hurry it up?
You know, I've got the
girls waiting in your car.
- My car?
- Yeah.
- What girls?
- Well you know, the
girls we're taking out
for cocktails and
dinner, you know.
- You've got to be kidding,
I'm not taking any girls
out for cocktails and dinner.
- You sly devil!
Haha, you don't waste any
time on preliminaries, do ya?
- What are you talking about?
- Whoopee!
- That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard of.
- Sure is, boy, I just
got the girls for it too.
(laughter)
Thelma for me, and you get
old "anything-goes" Shirley.
(laughter)
- I don't want
"anything-goes" Shirley.
- Well, okay, you can
have Thelma then,
but she's a lot shorter.
- I don't care how short she is.
- Well, you're right, what
difference does it make?
Huh, what difference
does it make?
Thelma, "Anything Goes"
Shirley, what are you talking about
Dick, I'm married!
How about my wife?
- Well, gee, that's
nice of you Dan,
but I kinda had my
heart set on Shirley.
I'll keep her in
mind for Thursday.
- Will you listen to me?
I'm trying to tell you
I'm not interested in girls.
- I'll pretend I
didn't hear that.
I hope Thelma never finds out.
- Now, that's not what I meant.
- Well you've
certainly kept it a secret
for all these years.
- Dick.
- Don't you dare
touch me, I'll scream.
- You'll stomp your
foot, won't you?
Yeah listen, I'm
trying to tell you,
I'm a perfectly
happily married man.
I am not interested
in going out,
there's no place for
another woman in my life.
- Well golly gosh,
you can use my place
whenever you want to,
Thelma has a key, you know.
- Now I want you to try
and listen very carefully.
- You gonna listen?
- Yeah.
- You looking at me?
- Yup.
- You got your ears open?
- My lobes are there.
- Your lobes are there.
Now I'm not interested in
other girls, going out with you.
Now it's nothing personal,
no offense intended to you,
nor to your two girlfriends.
I'm certain that Thelma
and Shirley are perfect ladies.
- What?
You are?
Boy am I glad we
found them out in time.
Whew, could've ruined
the whole evening!
Well, what do you say we
just forget the whole thing?
- Just what I've
been trying to tell you.
- Oh boy, good, now I
know where I can find
a couple of real swingers.
- You go one without me,
I'll just go to the quickies.
- Oh well, that's
different, you sly devil.
- You have any pictures of
your wife with no clothes on?
- Of course not!
- Would you like to buy some?
- Hackett!
- Well television is
really so changeable,
I know a girl who made a fortune
last year doing soap commercials,
now she's all washed up!
- Youngman!
- This is Chaplain Bud Homily
with the thought for today.
Remember, don't put all
your eggs in one basket.
- Blah, Blah!
(off-key organ music)
- Blah, Blah!
- Here's a traffic bulletin
for motorists going
east on Highway 101:
you're in big trouble,
because Highway 101
goes north and south!
- I do not understand
that Mr. Owens,
he must be a very
tasteless person.
- I'm sorry, Johnny,
but they say there's
only two seconds for
your sheep impression.
- But I just hate to
just bleat and run!
- Blah, Blah, black sheep!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Madam, please don't
touch the merchandise!
- But I've got to find out if
it has long or short sleeves.
- It has long sleeves, trust me.
- But I've got to
see if it's a medium.
- It's a medium, trust me!
- But I can't see
if it's washable!
- It's washable, trust me!
- Alright, I'll take
it, how much?
- Nine dollars.
- There.
- Wait a minute!
How do I know there's
nine dollars in here?
- Trust me!
- I once performed to
an audience of nuns,
it was the first
time I ever received
a standing novation.
- I'm sorry, you'll
have to pay full fare
for your little boy.
He's certainly over 12.
- Oh, how can he be over 12?
I've only been
married for 10 years!
- Madam, I only collect
tickets, I don't hear confessions.
- Which uncle are we
gonna visit today, mom?
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Now, the results of your
test should be in next week.
- Should I come by
and pick them up?
- No, that won't be necessary,
we'll just forward
'em to your widow!
- Won't you just step
behind the screen
and remove your clothes?
I'll be right with you.
(opera singing)
- Water, water!
Oh no, oh no.
(train whistling)
(crashing)
- Blaa!
- Oh?
- Uh-Huh.
- Aw.
- Hmmmmm.
- To those of you who write in,
saying there isn't enough
censorship on television,
we're pleased to
announce that this year,
Lassie will be wearing a bra!
- Now that, at
least, was tasteful.
Thank you.
(farting)
- Now, according
to your symptoms,
you've got the same
thing as Mrs. Klersey.
- Oh, well what was
the matter with her?
- Well, we can't be sure
till we complete the autopsy.
- Well, it's about time!
- I don't think it's done yet.
- Well, come on.
Shouldn't you pluck
it or something?
- This will be a better country
when there's a
chicken in every pot.
Instead of pot in every chick.
Right, Mr. President?
(tapping)
- Well that's the
quickies for tonight.
What's that?
- It's my passport.
- No kidding.
That's a nice picture of
you, but who's the girl?
- Uh, that's my
customs inspector there.
- Well, what's she
doing sitting on your lap?
- She's inspecting my customs!
Made the trip just whiz by.
- Sounds like a quickie.
- It couldn't be,
we just saw 'em.
- Oh Miss Channing, I think
I've lost all my sex appeal.
I sat on the beach
all day yesterday
and not one guy even
gave me a second look.
What can I do?
- Well, Gladys, I've
seen you at the beach,
why don't you
start by shortening
the sleeves on your bikini?
- Have ye seen the
Great White Whale?
- [Man Yelling] Nooooo!
- Have ye seen Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?
- Racquel Welch gave me a
wonderful recipe for cookies,
but I'm a little confused.
It says, two cups of flour,
but it doesn't say whether
to use C cups or D cups.
- Would you please
put out that stinky cigar?
- No, it's a public bus!
- Either you put it out,
or I'm going to throw
it out the window.
- You do, and your hat
goes out the window!
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah!
(fabric tearing)
- Oh yeah?
(fabric tearing)
- Yeah!
- Oh yeah?
Oh yeah?
Hahaha!
- Hahahahaha!
- Hey, wait a minute.
(train whistling)
I think this is our stop.
- Oh, oh yeah we better hurry.
- Wait a minute,
are you sure that?
- Yes.
- And now, a drumroll please!
(drumroll)
(goofy music)
This is stranger than truth!
- Jack Haley Junior, of
New York and Hollywood,
no relation to Jack
Haley, Senior of Sun City
and Coos Bay, Oregon,
married a Miss Jolene Brand
of Baldwin Park California,
no relation to Miss Neville
Brand of Fire Island, New York.
The following year, Mrs.
Haley gave birth to a boy
who was no relation
to Mr. Haley of Sun City
and Coos Bay, Oregon.
- [Narrator] This was
stranger than truth!
- Excuse me, Carol.
I was just reading, I understand
that some astronomers
say that world started
with a Big Bang.
- Yes, and the way
the arms race is going,
it may end the same way!
- I was never so insulted.
I went to a movie studio
auction of old, memorable props,
and somebody bid 50 dollars,
for me!
- Why don't we go up
to my place and talk
about all the good
times we've had?
- But I don't even know you.
- Well why don't we go up to
my place, and then tomorrow,
we'll talk about all the
good times we've had.
- Johnny, is black
capitalism working out well?
- Not really, the store
we opened up flopped
because we called
it a black market.
Now, they're doing the
same thing in Vietnam,
and they're doing
smash business!
- I just got my first
job in Hollywood,
now I'm driving a Rolls Royce.
I bet I'm the first
female chauffeur in town.
- Well I think you're entire
problem stems from the fact
that you have an
overwhelming need to be loved.
Your hour is up.
- Thank you, doctor.
When is my next appointment?
- Eight o'clock tonight!
- Yes, that was
Josephine the Plumber,
singing: "You Threw
My Love in the Sink"
backed up by the
boys in the band.
- I hate noise pollution!
- Miss Chamming,
this, this is it.
- Oh really?
- Yes, we got it you, big joke.
Now you read it
cards, read it cards.
- Read the cards?
Oh, is the joke good?
- Trust me, did
I ever lie to you?
Trust me, read it the card.
- I went over to London
to do a one-woman show,
and I earned so much bread,
and was such a hot item,
I became the toast of the town.
- Wait, wait for your laugh.
- But that's not funny.
Now that's funny!
- You have a weird sense humor.
- Tonight's Laugh-In
pays tribute to someone
to whom we owe everything.
- The finance company?
- Tonight, we salute mom.
- Oh yes, Mom.
Why, she was just
like a mother to me.
Treated me like her own son.
- Well they all do.
You remember as a kid,
when you hurt yourself,
and came home crying,
who kissed your finger?
- The dog.
- Oh, come on.
It was your mother!
- Why would my
mother kiss the dog?
- You know perfectly
well what I'm talking about.
Who gives the boy
the affection he needs?
- Uh, how old is the boy?
- It doesn't make any
difference how old's the boy!
You know, there's
always somebody there
when a boy needs love.
Why, his mother.
- That's when I say,
"why his mother?"
I mean, you ain't
gonna get much love
with a mother always there.
- You don't have
any sentiment at all.
Throughout history,
mothers have been
celebrated in story and song.
I mean, songs like
the Italian's "Mama"
and of course, My Yiddish mama
- You gonna sing again?
- You want to hear
Peg o' My Heart?
- No.
Your Yiddish mama?
Funny, you don't look it.
- Nah, there was Whistler's
Mother, Mother Goose,
Mother Hubbard.
- Mother Superior.
- Mother Superior
is a religious figure.
- Oh, I once knew a girl
who had a religious figure.
- You knew a girl who
had a religious figure.
- Yeah.
- How do you figure?
- Well, every time I looked
at her I said, "Holy Moses!"
Sneaked that right by you,
didn't I?
- Oh, come on,
you and Phillip Weilly.
Now let's get back
to motherhood.
Ah yes, motherhood, universal
among all living creatures.
Mama Guinea Pig, who
becomes a mother in just 16 days,
Mama Rabbit in 20 days, and
Mama Elephant in 21 months.
Do you realize what that means?
- Yeah, for Papa Elephant it
means 21 months of bowling.
Whew, I wonder how
he keeps track of time?
- Well elephants
have great memories.
- What have they go to forget?
You know, I have a few myself.
- A few memories?
- Memories.
- Put your memories
away for another day,
and let's take a look
at our salute to Mom.
Face it folk we're
thoroughly modern mothers
Liberated liberal lousy moms
We can't make the
mother and wife time
Send the kid to
camp for a lifetime
Analysts alleviate any
qualms we're feeling
How can modern mothers
indulge in housework
Maids are made for
doing the daily chores
No Junior has a
nervous condition
Ship him to a pediatrician
Till they're 30, children
are crashing bores
Daddy takes 'em walking
Granny keeps 'em talking
There's a teacher
hard to beat Who?
Sesame Street!
When you are a
thoroughly modern mother
There's no time for
singin' a somber song
Diaper changing is really bummer
If they're wet then
call in a plumber
While your hubby is busily
baking off for loving his mama
Tell the world we're
thoroughly modern
Mom, mom, mom, mom
Mom, mom, mom, mom
- Ma, how is it that
you're a lousy cook
but this apple pie is terrific?
- Thank you, son,
but that's meatloaf.
(gasping)
- I think I'm about
to invent the mother!
- Don't rib me.
- Mom, I want you to meet Steve.
- Where have
you been, it's 7:30!
I know just what kind you are!
You took my baby
to a crummy bar,
you gave her liquor,
you gave her dope,
you took her to a motel and
you forced yourself on her!
- No, Mrs. Wainthrop,
I wouldn't do anything
like that to your daughter!
- Oh, what's the matter?
She's not good enough for you?
- Yes, may I help you?
- Is this 1525 Blue Jay Way?
- Yes.
- Are you Mrs. Lois Garner?
- Yes, I am!
- Did you live in Muskogee,
Oklahoma in 1935?
- Yes.
- Were you out in
the fields one day
when a big tornado came
along and blew the house away,
and the house was never found?
- That's right!
- Well, did you call
the FBI at that time
and give us a description
of your baby son,
who was asleep in the
crib in the house at the time?
- Yes, yes I did.
- Well, Mrs. Gerner, the
description of that baby,
as I understand it,
was eight pounds,
16 inches long, with brown eyes.
- That's right!
- I'm Agent
Wisebourne of the FBI,
we've been looking
for that boy for 35 years,
and we've finally
found your son!
- Oh, that's wonderful!
- Uh, MacDonald, will
you bring the baby in?
(baby crying)
- Uh, eight pounds,
16 inches, brown eyes.
- Well, that's him all right!
(funky music)
- I dunno, I like a big family
after all, without children,
who's gonna keep you company
when you're old and gray?
- Well, the way I see it,
without children I'm not
gonna get old and gray!
- The hand that rocks
the cradle rules the world.
So let's always keep a
mother in the White House!
- We'll be right back with
more about our dear mother,
after this message
for your dear mothers,
from this dear mother,
take it away you dear mother!
- Doesn't that make ya sick?
Oh, roll the next commercial!
- I'll never forget
the immortal words
of Oedipus Rex who said,
I want a girl just like the girl
Who married dear old dad
- My dear mother
spent countless hours
teaching me to appreciate
only the very tasteful.
She knew that her
efforts were successful
when, at the
tender age of eight,
I proclaimed her
as being tasteless.
- And now, for a change of pace,
here's tonight's
inspirational message,
as sung by Elizabeth
and Roana Barrett.
- Okay, mothers,
here they come again!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
When you are a
thoroughly modern mother
Lunch for days with
fiddles and potted palms
Splashing down a double martini
Grooving on a film of Fellini
One part baccarat Six
parts Bach and Brahms
With a little Bob Dylan
Tell the world we're
thoroughly modern
Mom, mom, mom, mom
Mom, mom, mom, mom
Mom, mom, mom, mom,
mom, mom, mom, mom, mom
- Let's have a
drink for ol' Mom.
- Let the old bat get her own!
- Ha, I'll drink to that!
- You'll drink to anything.
- Obviously you
have seen my mother.
- You know, I must say,
that I haven't seen anything
very clearly in about a year.
- I love ya!
- Mom, I can't eat anymore.
- Finish your food.
People are starving in Europe.
- Can I have a cup of coffee?
- No, coffee'll keep you awake.
- Well, can I have a cigarette?
- Cigarettes'll
stunt your growth.
- I can't stand it anymore!
I'm gonna go and jump off
a bridge and drown myself!
- Wait a half
hour, you just ate.
- Honor thy mother,
and thy farter.
- Albert, go wash up for supper.
- Not now, mutti, I'm too busy.
I'm working on my
formula equals MC square.
- I'm telling you, Albert
Einstein, don't get smart with me!
- There it is, Mr. Watson,
I call it the telephone.
And if it works, the name
Alexander Graham Bell
will become a household-
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
- [Mother] Alexander,
how come you're too busy
to pick up a phone
and call your mother?
- We had so many
kids in our house,
when mom used to sew
identification tags on our clothes,
she made sure they
had the wrong address.
- [Announcer] Will the
real Mary Ann Conway,
mother of 35 children,
please stand up?
- But then, without
mothers, there'd be...
- No slipcovers on
the good furniture.
- No baby pictures
tucked away in a trunk.
- No one to smile when
the world is against you.
- No tea in a coffee
can labeled "cocoa".
- But most important,
without no mothers,
there wouldn't be no you.
- So this week, be sure
to give mom a ringy-dingy.
(snorting)
Or your line'll be out
of order a long time.
- Okay, big musical finish,
take 12, cue the mothers.
We're a mob of
thoroughly modern mothers
Nurse can cope with
Tricia and tiny Tom
Sure the kiddie's
heinous at seven
They'll be leaving home at 11
Junior said he's making
a homemade bomb
For under my mattress
That's the risk in
being a modern
Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom
- Very interesting.
I haven't felt so nostalgic
since Mama taught me to
march around the breakfast table.
Hoo-hoo, come up,
come up, hoo-hoo!
Come here, my little trooper.
- You rang, Wolfgang?
- Did you get my newspaper?
- Yes, I got a copy of
the World Telegram.
- Oh, you're cute
but I told you,
today the Telegram,
tomorrow the World.
- What seems to be your
trouble, Mr. Littlefield?
- Ugh, it's my mother.
She smothers me, she won't
leave me alone for a minute.
- Oh, now, that's a lie!
- Oh, mom!
- Smoke, smoke,
the team's on fire,
do you know I don't perspire?
Rah.
(horse neighing)
- Ishmael, I'll get
that Moby Dick
if it 'er the last thing I do.
- Oh, Cap'n Ahab, you've
doe nothing but search
for this whale for
the past 10 years.
- It's been 10 years?
My how time flies
when you're having fun.
- Come on, I'll race
you around the deck.
- Again?
- Yeah, come on.
- Wait'll I put the
wheel in my leg.
- Come on.
- I won, I was here first.
- Well, I've been talking
with you for an hour,
and I can't seem to see
that you have any
problem, Mr. Smith.
- Hoo-Ah, that's Miss Smith!
(slow piano intro)
- Well what more
does Malina Dietrich
have to do to get applause?
(single person clapping)
No no no no, don't bother.
Too little, and too late.
(audience laughing)
What's the news
Across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
will amuse you'se
Flabunchin' chair
I just love To give you my views
(harmonizing out of tune)
Dumb cup piano player.
La la de da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
Ugh, but enough about this.
Rowan and Martin.
- [Announcer] It's time
for the six o'clock news,
brought to your
every night at 12:30
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and Melvin Laird in government,
Howard Hughes in business,
Henry Ford in management,
Mia Farrow in labor,
and now, here's Dick Martin.
- Good evening, I am
away on vacation tonight,
so I will be filling
in for Dan Rowan,
who is on special
assignment someplace else,
and now, here's the news.
- Hollywood, California.
A new sports
record was set today
during the star-studded
Hollywood celebrity baseball game.
It occurred in
the fourth inning,
when Danny Thomas
swung at an inside pitch
and drove his nose
four hundred feet
into the left field seats.
- I don't like to hear that.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
After 20 years in the making,
Congress today finally
passed legislation granting
equal rights for the
blacks and the Indians.
Under the new law, every black
is treated the same
as every Indian.
(audience laughing)
- America was saddened
when its first marriage
between two men ended
today after five stormy years.
The action required
an unusual application
of the California divorce law.
When Mr. Tebitt sued Mr. Tebitt,
charging irreconcilable
similarities.
- I knew those guys
couldn't get along.
In news of the future,
another item from the future,
Washington DC,
20 years from now.
Outgoing chief of the
FBI, J. Edgar Hoover,
announced completion
of his long-awaited book,
Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know About Everybody,
But Were Afraid to Find Out.
For rights to the book,
Mr. Hoover is asking
25 million dollars,
or else he'll have it published.
- Here's what's happening
on the Hollywood scene.
- Hi friends, Busy Buzzy,
buzzin' around Tinseltown,
and have I got a
hot item for you.
Richard Burton was seen in
an intimate, secluded restaurant
with this glamorous movie star.
Insiders say that it's, uh,
more than a friendship.
Remember, friends, you
heard it first from Busy Buzzy.
(laughing)
Kissy kissy.
- Our editorial subject
tonight is divorce.
- Statistics show
that one out of every
three marriages ends in divorce.
It should be obvious to everyone
that we've got to stop
this high rate of divorce.
- Anyone wishing to
rebut this may do so-
- I disagree, a little known
fact is that the main cause
of divorce is marriage.
Now, if we can abolish marriage,
the divorce rate
would begin to decline.
- Well, if you're gonna
hit me with logic, forget it!
- Over to our sports
expert, come in Big Al!
- Hi guys, Big Al here.
(bell ringing)
Ugh, I love that bell.
Well, the final score
tonight is Dave Clark Five,
The Brothers Four, Chicago
Seven, Indianapolis 500,
Premier Two, and Don DeFore.
Ta-ta.
Ugh!
La da de da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
And I can't tell
you how sorry I am.
(speaking German)
- Captain, why this
relentless pursuit,
year after year, just
to find a big whale?
- Because I got an appetite
you wouldn't believe.
There's nothing like noshing
on a little minced whale
and Ritz crackers
before you go to bed.
- Well, it seems obvious to me,
after all your tests
and examinations
that you are obviously
suffering from schizophrenia,
a split personality.
- No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
- She's right.
- No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
(babbling excitedly)
- Uh, this campus unrest
is getting out of hand.
I mean, today, um,
loosen up a little.
I got a call to put
down a student uprising,
and it was at the
Police Academy.
- Well, I understand that at
last there's an all-volunteer
army in the war
on Southeast Asia.
- Oh, that's good!
- No, that's bad, it's the
North Vietnamese army.
- You know, my niece attends
a very progressive grade school.
- Really?
- Yes, grade school.
But they had to drop
show-and-tell, one of the girls
was showing, and all
of the boys were telling.
You should've seen her panties.
(funky music)
- And I'm gonna tell you
about next week's visit
of Farkles to the fabulous
farms in faraway Fargo.
Just pick that card up, please.
Frozen Fairbanks
and foggy Phoenix,
here are America's sweethearts.
(gasping)
- Oh no, it can't be!
- What is it, Miss Armsby?
- It's that masher
Tyrone F. Horneigh,
he follows me everywhere.
Whenever I get a new job,
he always shows
up just to annoy me.
(gasping) Oh, look, he's
on his way in here now!
- A masher, a masher!
You take care of
him Miss Armsby.
- Ah, Miss Armsby.
My little bird of paradise.
I knew I would find you
amongst some finery.
Haha, how do you crepe
de chine today, my love?
I see you've embarked
upon a new career.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh, you
better stay away from me!
- Pardon me, monsieur!
You are, how we say,
propositioning this lady, no?
- No, madam, but
I am, as they say,
trying to make out, yes.
- Well for your
information, monsieur,
this lady is spoken for!
(gasping)
(singing)
You see what this
is, that's Apache.
You see?
- Looked like a Sue to me.
- What do you say now?
- Would you care to
partake of a instant replay
of that kiss in English?
- Oh, Tyrone, you have
only one thing in mind.
- Oh, tut tut, not true my dear.
I have several
things on my mind.
Fact is, however, I can only
get to them one at a time.
(gasping)
- Why you!
Oh no, look what you made me do!
He doesn't even move!
- Miss Armsby, would
you care to see me move?
(gasping)
Would you care to move with me?
Lafayette, here I come.
- Be very careful.
(singing)
- Sometimes you can't
get those Frenchies
to move to Italy, believe me.
- Tune in next week, folks,
when Frenchie will appear
in the role of Carl Reiner.
- Well, Dick.
- Yeah, now that I've
gotten over my cold.
- Didn't know you had a cold.
- Well, I didn't
know you didn't.
- I don't, you do.
- I don't anymore.
- You don't?
- Doesn't everybody?
- I hear Carol Channing doesn't.
- Maybe nobody's asked her.
I know I didn't.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, I wasn't feeling
well, I had a cold you know.
- Oh, is that so?
- Who told you?
- I don't know, Carol
Channing, saw her at the party.
- Oh.
(funky music)
- Nancy, where do you
get Southern Comfort?
- Well, lately, most of
our southern comfort
has been coming
from the White House.
- My club is very
concerned about
the lack of tasteful
housing in the slums,
so we've picked
out a needy family,
and we're sending
them a subscription
to Better Homes and Gardens.
- My nephew's fourth grade
class is studying horses,
so I took him on a
field trip to Santa Anita.
I broke even, I lost two
kids but I won 47 dollars!
- Ah, cocoa?
- Uh-uh.
- Bon-bon?
- Uh-uh.
- Cha-cha?
- Uh-uh!
- Now, now.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Where, where?
(clock cuckooing)
- Uh-oh!
- What, what?
- Papa!
- Papa?
- Bang bang!
- Oh.
- Bye-bye.
- Ta-ta!
- Ladies, when your husband's
next birthday comes around,
get him something
special to wear.
Give him a
buckle-down windsockey.
- If that Vush takes
his finger out of his ear,
all the seltzer run
out of his head.
You like my new bush?
It's got a lot of mobility.
85 miles to a
pound of chlorophyll.
- Television has been
used by presidents
with more and more frequency,
and it seems inevitable that
to make these appearances
more interesting, and
to gain a wider audience,
they shall be influenced
by the shows around them.
One day, the president's
press conference
might even end like this.
- That's it for tonight, voters!
And here's our wonderful
cast, the Vice President!
The Secretary of Defense!
Secretary of Labor
and his orchestra!
Congressional
singers and dancers!
(cheering and applauding)
49 percent of American audiences
are the greatest
audience in the world!
What do you want, good
government or good taste?
- Both.
- Good night, everybody!
- Well, in my opinion, you're
suffering from masochism.
- Oh, oh,
that's wonderful.
Give it a shot here.
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by:
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the little
carefree car, Pinto!
- Well, that's
tonight's show, folks.
We'll see you next week.
Say good night, Dick.
- Folks, before I do, next
week on this very stage,
Howard Hughes singing "The
Best Things In Life Are Free".
Plus, Wayne and Huey Newton.
Angela and Bette Davis.
Don and Joan Sutherland.
- Wait, hold it, now none
of that's gonna happen
on Laugh-In next week.
- Oh yeah.
- False advertising.
- Hear hear now,
hold thy tongue.
Do you know what,
Premier Kosygin is
gonna do next Wednesday?
- Do I know what Premier Kosygin
is gonna do next-no I don't.
- Do you know
what's gonna happen
in the stock market tomorrow?
- Well certainly not,
anything can happen.
- Well, if anything can happen,
keep an eye on next
weeks show folks.
Keep an eye when
Mary Tyler Moore
will plug up the leak
in Dick Van Dyke.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Hooooooooo.
- I say, if the Lord had
meant us to see nude theatre
with exposed bodies,
we'd have been born naked.
- I think you may
be on to something.
- Oh yeah!
- I know that crime doesn't pay,
but neither does being a cop.
- Heard they just invented
a new birth control
pill for women.
Yes, you take one and every
night it gives you a headache.
- Hey, did you
see Dr. Doolittle?
- Do little, I didn't see
him do anything at all.
- Will you get back down there.
- Oh, Miss Channing?
- Yes?
- I saw a movie that you
would have been so great in.
- Oh really, what was it called?
- Hello, Dolly.
- Bye, Barbara.
- They say one picture is
worth a thousand words,
unless it's taken
at an office party,
then it could be worth
a thousand dollars.
- If you want
something built badly,
get yourself a
Burbank carpenter.
If you don't want it
built at all, get two.
- Richard, I decided to
live happily ever after.
- How come?
- Because I don't know
what else to do with myself.
- Well, I do, the Farkles.
- Do the Farkle.
- Dance, Dance!
- Mr. Pres-ee-dent, I
just want you to know
that I couldn't
agree with you more.
I tried and tried, but I just
couldn't agree with you more.
I agree we should love thy
neighbor, but I live next door
to Georgie Jessel and I
just don't have the time.
- I don't understand that,
you know how to make a
statue of a hippopotamus?
- Huh?
- Nancy, you know how to
make a statue of a hippopotamus?
- No, how do you?
- Well, you get this big block
a marble and you chip away
everything that doesn't
look like a hippopotamus.
Ow!
You have something to say?
- That was very good, Dan.
- If my new play, Four
on a Garden, is a success,
we're gonna do a sequel
called, Six in the Shrubs,
Eight on the Grass,
Ten in the Trees,
and the Vice Squad
on the Front Porch.
(whimsical music)
(door creaking)
(bang)
(car brakes squealing)
(crash)
- Ten year ago, Moby Dick
caused me to lose my leg.
And I'm gonna find him
and take my revenge.
- What are ya gonna do?
- I'm gonna rip his leg off.
- Oh, but Captain,
whales don't have legs.
- Oh, well in that case,
we'll search for the
great white centipede.
- Miss Chamming, did
you enjoy the show?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Rosmenko,
did I do alright?
- Well, you did it all.
- Right?
- Right.
- Right?
- Now say goodnight, cookie.
Goodnight, Cookie.
Good, you're beginning
to catching up to.
- Oh yeah.
(shoes tapping)
What's that.
- Look out, here comes
that fancy, tippy-tappy,
tooperoosh steppin'
on your toes.
- Goodnight America
and Mr. Pres-ee-dent.
Everyday and every
way, I promise to be true.
And I'll be brave and I'll
behave, especially for you,
Richard M. (gasping)
Agnew.
- [Narrator] God
Bless you, Barbara.
(tap dancing)
- That was unbelievable.
Unbelieveagable.
Did you hear that?
Now he's starting
to talk back, hahaha.
I never get any
back talk from Lucy.
I don't get any front
talk from her either.
In fact, she don't
talk to me no more,
whatever, no-how, somewhat.
(chuckles)
But I love her.
- That's what this show needs,
social commentary, thank-you's.
(clapping)
(door creaking)
(fabric ripping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
our special guest star,
Carol Channing.
(applause)
- Oh hey, Carol, it's great to
have you on the show again.
- Oh gee, it's nice
to be here, Dick.
- Yep, things are really
going well for you, honey, gee.
You're a smash in London,
you broke all
records in Las Vegas.
- Now you've got a new
Broadway show opening.
- Yeah, oh well I
do hope it's a hit.
- So does Barbara Streisand.
(audience laughing)
- Golly gosh, it's so nice
to be back on Laugh-In.
- Thought you'd like it.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
time now for the classics, as
NBC once more is unsuccessful
in preventing Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the
distinguished Dan Rowan,
and the extinguished
Dick Martin,
with their special guest
star Carol Channing.
I see now the popular
conductor, Ian Bernard,
is mounting the podium.
(tinkling circus music)
- [Announcer] It's Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In
with Arte Johnson
and Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues and Lily Tomlin.
Plus Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Nancy Phillips and
Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Milltown
Cross, goodbye.
It's good to be here with Carol
She's really our favorite guest
Always a cuckoo
who's bright and jolly
This must be the
second act of Hello Dolly!
Good to be here with Carol
She's certainly one of the best
Carol's the greatest
Carol's the sweetest
Carol's the niftiest
Nicest and neatest
It's good to be here with Carol
She's really our favorite
Golly gosh, I gotta say
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
You'll do the news
song And then a quickie
Wonder if I'll get to talk
with Dan and Dickie?
Good to be back in Burbank
I miss it wherever I
go Tyrone and Gladys
Edith and Sparkle
Merlin the Magnificent
And he's feeling sparkle
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
It's really my favorite
Hey, let's get it all together
Good to be here on Laugh-In
We'll shape up our list as we go
Careful of trap doors right
Watch out for water yes
Shun the fickle finger and
beware of George Schlatter yeah
Good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really our favorite
I'm gonna savor it
Really our favorite
I'm gonna pay for it
Really our favorite
show (applause)
- I'm looking
forward to the show.
Hi Alan, hi Johnny.
- Boy, am I just-
- Hi, Ruthie.
- Lily wait for me.
- Carol, I'd love to
stay and chat with you.
- You see what I mean?
It's great to be
back on Laugh-In.
- Oh,
oh this sandwich is so stale,
I'm so tired of
eating leftovers.
What am I going to do?
- [Narrator] Man from
blood, man from blood,
woman in distress!
(slide whistle)
- Madam, I have a solution.
Put your leftovers
in a handy Glud bag,
with a foldy lock top,
and put it in the icebox,
and it will stay
fresh for years.
- Listen you big blonde Adonis,
why don't we go
into the living room,
and I'll show you what fresh is.
- I'm sorry, madam,
that's not my bag.
(slide whistle)
- Frodo Baggins lives!
- You've come a long way, baby.
(kettle drum)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little, carefree car, Pinto!
(upbeat music)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(crashing noise)
- This is my third
appearance on Laugh-In.
Two more and they'll
release my children.
- Ms. Chamming, it
comes to the time now
for to make a big introductions.
- Oh, yeah, ah, how do
you do Mr. Rosmenko,
my name is Carol Channing.
- Miss Chamming, Miss
Chamming, you're a charming,
the personality
for to meeting you.
But you're a cuckoo.
- No, no, no, I'm
Carol Channing,
how do you do Mr. Rosmenko.
- Yes, Miss Chamming,
see this is for you to
make an introducing them.
- (laughs) Oh yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Them.
- That is not even close.
I hope your play runs as long
as the introducing is making.
I give with you one more chance.
Introduce it, Roman un Marvum.
- Ah, yes, I see.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ruth Roman and Lee Marvin.
- You finally got it!
- Yeah!
(laughing)
- You're good, you're
good, you're beautiful!
Take it away, Rolunt and Markum.
- The walk gets longer
each time, doesn't it?
Well hello again
out there, folks.
- Hey listen, do you
wanna hurry it up?
You know, I've got the
girls waiting in your car.
- My car?
- Yeah.
- What girls?
- Well you know, the
girls we're taking out
for cocktails and
dinner, you know.
- You've got to be kidding,
I'm not taking any girls
out for cocktails and dinner.
- You sly devil!
Haha, you don't waste any
time on preliminaries, do ya?
- What are you talking about?
- Whoopee!
- That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard of.
- Sure is, boy, I just
got the girls for it too.
(laughter)
Thelma for me, and you get
old "anything-goes" Shirley.
(laughter)
- I don't want
"anything-goes" Shirley.
- Well, okay, you can
have Thelma then,
but she's a lot shorter.
- I don't care how short she is.
- Well, you're right, what
difference does it make?
Huh, what difference
does it make?
Thelma, "Anything Goes"
Shirley, what are you talking about
Dick, I'm married!
How about my wife?
- Well, gee, that's
nice of you Dan,
but I kinda had my
heart set on Shirley.
I'll keep her in
mind for Thursday.
- Will you listen to me?
I'm trying to tell you
I'm not interested in girls.
- I'll pretend I
didn't hear that.
I hope Thelma never finds out.
- Now, that's not what I meant.
- Well you've
certainly kept it a secret
for all these years.
- Dick.
- Don't you dare
touch me, I'll scream.
- You'll stomp your
foot, won't you?
Yeah listen, I'm
trying to tell you,
I'm a perfectly
happily married man.
I am not interested
in going out,
there's no place for
another woman in my life.
- Well golly gosh,
you can use my place
whenever you want to,
Thelma has a key, you know.
- Now I want you to try
and listen very carefully.
- You gonna listen?
- Yeah.
- You looking at me?
- Yup.
- You got your ears open?
- My lobes are there.
- Your lobes are there.
Now I'm not interested in
other girls, going out with you.
Now it's nothing personal,
no offense intended to you,
nor to your two girlfriends.
I'm certain that Thelma
and Shirley are perfect ladies.
- What?
You are?
Boy am I glad we
found them out in time.
Whew, could've ruined
the whole evening!
Well, what do you say we
just forget the whole thing?
- Just what I've
been trying to tell you.
- Oh boy, good, now I
know where I can find
a couple of real swingers.
- You go one without me,
I'll just go to the quickies.
- Oh well, that's
different, you sly devil.
- You have any pictures of
your wife with no clothes on?
- Of course not!
- Would you like to buy some?
- Hackett!
- Well television is
really so changeable,
I know a girl who made a fortune
last year doing soap commercials,
now she's all washed up!
- Youngman!
- This is Chaplain Bud Homily
with the thought for today.
Remember, don't put all
your eggs in one basket.
- Blah, Blah!
(off-key organ music)
- Blah, Blah!
- Here's a traffic bulletin
for motorists going
east on Highway 101:
you're in big trouble,
because Highway 101
goes north and south!
- I do not understand
that Mr. Owens,
he must be a very
tasteless person.
- I'm sorry, Johnny,
but they say there's
only two seconds for
your sheep impression.
- But I just hate to
just bleat and run!
- Blah, Blah, black sheep!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Madam, please don't
touch the merchandise!
- But I've got to find out if
it has long or short sleeves.
- It has long sleeves, trust me.
- But I've got to
see if it's a medium.
- It's a medium, trust me!
- But I can't see
if it's washable!
- It's washable, trust me!
- Alright, I'll take
it, how much?
- Nine dollars.
- There.
- Wait a minute!
How do I know there's
nine dollars in here?
- Trust me!
- I once performed to
an audience of nuns,
it was the first
time I ever received
a standing novation.
- I'm sorry, you'll
have to pay full fare
for your little boy.
He's certainly over 12.
- Oh, how can he be over 12?
I've only been
married for 10 years!
- Madam, I only collect
tickets, I don't hear confessions.
- Which uncle are we
gonna visit today, mom?
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Now, the results of your
test should be in next week.
- Should I come by
and pick them up?
- No, that won't be necessary,
we'll just forward
'em to your widow!
- Won't you just step
behind the screen
and remove your clothes?
I'll be right with you.
(opera singing)
- Water, water!
Oh no, oh no.
(train whistling)
(crashing)
- Blaa!
- Oh?
- Uh-Huh.
- Aw.
- Hmmmmm.
- To those of you who write in,
saying there isn't enough
censorship on television,
we're pleased to
announce that this year,
Lassie will be wearing a bra!
- Now that, at
least, was tasteful.
Thank you.
(farting)
- Now, according
to your symptoms,
you've got the same
thing as Mrs. Klersey.
- Oh, well what was
the matter with her?
- Well, we can't be sure
till we complete the autopsy.
- Well, it's about time!
- I don't think it's done yet.
- Well, come on.
Shouldn't you pluck
it or something?
- This will be a better country
when there's a
chicken in every pot.
Instead of pot in every chick.
Right, Mr. President?
(tapping)
- Well that's the
quickies for tonight.
What's that?
- It's my passport.
- No kidding.
That's a nice picture of
you, but who's the girl?
- Uh, that's my
customs inspector there.
- Well, what's she
doing sitting on your lap?
- She's inspecting my customs!
Made the trip just whiz by.
- Sounds like a quickie.
- It couldn't be,
we just saw 'em.
- Oh Miss Channing, I think
I've lost all my sex appeal.
I sat on the beach
all day yesterday
and not one guy even
gave me a second look.
What can I do?
- Well, Gladys, I've
seen you at the beach,
why don't you
start by shortening
the sleeves on your bikini?
- Have ye seen the
Great White Whale?
- [Man Yelling] Nooooo!
- Have ye seen Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?
- Racquel Welch gave me a
wonderful recipe for cookies,
but I'm a little confused.
It says, two cups of flour,
but it doesn't say whether
to use C cups or D cups.
- Would you please
put out that stinky cigar?
- No, it's a public bus!
- Either you put it out,
or I'm going to throw
it out the window.
- You do, and your hat
goes out the window!
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah!
(fabric tearing)
- Oh yeah?
(fabric tearing)
- Yeah!
- Oh yeah?
Oh yeah?
Hahaha!
- Hahahahaha!
- Hey, wait a minute.
(train whistling)
I think this is our stop.
- Oh, oh yeah we better hurry.
- Wait a minute,
are you sure that?
- Yes.
- And now, a drumroll please!
(drumroll)
(goofy music)
This is stranger than truth!
- Jack Haley Junior, of
New York and Hollywood,
no relation to Jack
Haley, Senior of Sun City
and Coos Bay, Oregon,
married a Miss Jolene Brand
of Baldwin Park California,
no relation to Miss Neville
Brand of Fire Island, New York.
The following year, Mrs.
Haley gave birth to a boy
who was no relation
to Mr. Haley of Sun City
and Coos Bay, Oregon.
- [Narrator] This was
stranger than truth!
- Excuse me, Carol.
I was just reading, I understand
that some astronomers
say that world started
with a Big Bang.
- Yes, and the way
the arms race is going,
it may end the same way!
- I was never so insulted.
I went to a movie studio
auction of old, memorable props,
and somebody bid 50 dollars,
for me!
- Why don't we go up
to my place and talk
about all the good
times we've had?
- But I don't even know you.
- Well why don't we go up to
my place, and then tomorrow,
we'll talk about all the
good times we've had.
- Johnny, is black
capitalism working out well?
- Not really, the store
we opened up flopped
because we called
it a black market.
Now, they're doing the
same thing in Vietnam,
and they're doing
smash business!
- I just got my first
job in Hollywood,
now I'm driving a Rolls Royce.
I bet I'm the first
female chauffeur in town.
- Well I think you're entire
problem stems from the fact
that you have an
overwhelming need to be loved.
Your hour is up.
- Thank you, doctor.
When is my next appointment?
- Eight o'clock tonight!
- Yes, that was
Josephine the Plumber,
singing: "You Threw
My Love in the Sink"
backed up by the
boys in the band.
- I hate noise pollution!
- Miss Chamming,
this, this is it.
- Oh really?
- Yes, we got it you, big joke.
Now you read it
cards, read it cards.
- Read the cards?
Oh, is the joke good?
- Trust me, did
I ever lie to you?
Trust me, read it the card.
- I went over to London
to do a one-woman show,
and I earned so much bread,
and was such a hot item,
I became the toast of the town.
- Wait, wait for your laugh.
- But that's not funny.
Now that's funny!
- You have a weird sense humor.
- Tonight's Laugh-In
pays tribute to someone
to whom we owe everything.
- The finance company?
- Tonight, we salute mom.
- Oh yes, Mom.
Why, she was just
like a mother to me.
Treated me like her own son.
- Well they all do.
You remember as a kid,
when you hurt yourself,
and came home crying,
who kissed your finger?
- The dog.
- Oh, come on.
It was your mother!
- Why would my
mother kiss the dog?
- You know perfectly
well what I'm talking about.
Who gives the boy
the affection he needs?
- Uh, how old is the boy?
- It doesn't make any
difference how old's the boy!
You know, there's
always somebody there
when a boy needs love.
Why, his mother.
- That's when I say,
"why his mother?"
I mean, you ain't
gonna get much love
with a mother always there.
- You don't have
any sentiment at all.
Throughout history,
mothers have been
celebrated in story and song.
I mean, songs like
the Italian's "Mama"
and of course, My Yiddish mama
- You gonna sing again?
- You want to hear
Peg o' My Heart?
- No.
Your Yiddish mama?
Funny, you don't look it.
- Nah, there was Whistler's
Mother, Mother Goose,
Mother Hubbard.
- Mother Superior.
- Mother Superior
is a religious figure.
- Oh, I once knew a girl
who had a religious figure.
- You knew a girl who
had a religious figure.
- Yeah.
- How do you figure?
- Well, every time I looked
at her I said, "Holy Moses!"
Sneaked that right by you,
didn't I?
- Oh, come on,
you and Phillip Weilly.
Now let's get back
to motherhood.
Ah yes, motherhood, universal
among all living creatures.
Mama Guinea Pig, who
becomes a mother in just 16 days,
Mama Rabbit in 20 days, and
Mama Elephant in 21 months.
Do you realize what that means?
- Yeah, for Papa Elephant it
means 21 months of bowling.
Whew, I wonder how
he keeps track of time?
- Well elephants
have great memories.
- What have they go to forget?
You know, I have a few myself.
- A few memories?
- Memories.
- Put your memories
away for another day,
and let's take a look
at our salute to Mom.
Face it folk we're
thoroughly modern mothers
Liberated liberal lousy moms
We can't make the
mother and wife time
Send the kid to
camp for a lifetime
Analysts alleviate any
qualms we're feeling
How can modern mothers
indulge in housework
Maids are made for
doing the daily chores
No Junior has a
nervous condition
Ship him to a pediatrician
Till they're 30, children
are crashing bores
Daddy takes 'em walking
Granny keeps 'em talking
There's a teacher
hard to beat Who?
Sesame Street!
When you are a
thoroughly modern mother
There's no time for
singin' a somber song
Diaper changing is really bummer
If they're wet then
call in a plumber
While your hubby is busily
baking off for loving his mama
Tell the world we're
thoroughly modern
Mom, mom, mom, mom
Mom, mom, mom, mom
- Ma, how is it that
you're a lousy cook
but this apple pie is terrific?
- Thank you, son,
but that's meatloaf.
(gasping)
- I think I'm about
to invent the mother!
- Don't rib me.
- Mom, I want you to meet Steve.
- Where have
you been, it's 7:30!
I know just what kind you are!
You took my baby
to a crummy bar,
you gave her liquor,
you gave her dope,
you took her to a motel and
you forced yourself on her!
- No, Mrs. Wainthrop,
I wouldn't do anything
like that to your daughter!
- Oh, what's the matter?
She's not good enough for you?
- Yes, may I help you?
- Is this 1525 Blue Jay Way?
- Yes.
- Are you Mrs. Lois Garner?
- Yes, I am!
- Did you live in Muskogee,
Oklahoma in 1935?
- Yes.
- Were you out in
the fields one day
when a big tornado came
along and blew the house away,
and the house was never found?
- That's right!
- Well, did you call
the FBI at that time
and give us a description
of your baby son,
who was asleep in the
crib in the house at the time?
- Yes, yes I did.
- Well, Mrs. Gerner, the
description of that baby,
as I understand it,
was eight pounds,
16 inches long, with brown eyes.
- That's right!
- I'm Agent
Wisebourne of the FBI,
we've been looking
for that boy for 35 years,
and we've finally
found your son!
- Oh, that's wonderful!
- Uh, MacDonald, will
you bring the baby in?
(baby crying)
- Uh, eight pounds,
16 inches, brown eyes.
- Well, that's him all right!
(funky music)
- I dunno, I like a big family
after all, without children,
who's gonna keep you company
when you're old and gray?
- Well, the way I see it,
without children I'm not
gonna get old and gray!
- The hand that rocks
the cradle rules the world.
So let's always keep a
mother in the White House!
- We'll be right back with
more about our dear mother,
after this message
for your dear mothers,
from this dear mother,
take it away you dear mother!
- Doesn't that make ya sick?
Oh, roll the next commercial!
- I'll never forget
the immortal words
of Oedipus Rex who said,
I want a girl just like the girl
Who married dear old dad
- My dear mother
spent countless hours
teaching me to appreciate
only the very tasteful.
She knew that her
efforts were successful
when, at the
tender age of eight,
I proclaimed her
as being tasteless.
- And now, for a change of pace,
here's tonight's
inspirational message,
as sung by Elizabeth
and Roana Barrett.
- Okay, mothers,
here they come again!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
When you are a
thoroughly modern mother
Lunch for days with
fiddles and potted palms
Splashing down a double martini
Grooving on a film of Fellini
One part baccarat Six
parts Bach and Brahms
With a little Bob Dylan
Tell the world we're
thoroughly modern
Mom, mom, mom, mom
Mom, mom, mom, mom
Mom, mom, mom, mom,
mom, mom, mom, mom, mom
- Let's have a
drink for ol' Mom.
- Let the old bat get her own!
- Ha, I'll drink to that!
- You'll drink to anything.
- Obviously you
have seen my mother.
- You know, I must say,
that I haven't seen anything
very clearly in about a year.
- I love ya!
- Mom, I can't eat anymore.
- Finish your food.
People are starving in Europe.
- Can I have a cup of coffee?
- No, coffee'll keep you awake.
- Well, can I have a cigarette?
- Cigarettes'll
stunt your growth.
- I can't stand it anymore!
I'm gonna go and jump off
a bridge and drown myself!
- Wait a half
hour, you just ate.
- Honor thy mother,
and thy farter.
- Albert, go wash up for supper.
- Not now, mutti, I'm too busy.
I'm working on my
formula equals MC square.
- I'm telling you, Albert
Einstein, don't get smart with me!
- There it is, Mr. Watson,
I call it the telephone.
And if it works, the name
Alexander Graham Bell
will become a household-
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
- [Mother] Alexander,
how come you're too busy
to pick up a phone
and call your mother?
- We had so many
kids in our house,
when mom used to sew
identification tags on our clothes,
she made sure they
had the wrong address.
- [Announcer] Will the
real Mary Ann Conway,
mother of 35 children,
please stand up?
- But then, without
mothers, there'd be...
- No slipcovers on
the good furniture.
- No baby pictures
tucked away in a trunk.
- No one to smile when
the world is against you.
- No tea in a coffee
can labeled "cocoa".
- But most important,
without no mothers,
there wouldn't be no you.
- So this week, be sure
to give mom a ringy-dingy.
(snorting)
Or your line'll be out
of order a long time.
- Okay, big musical finish,
take 12, cue the mothers.
We're a mob of
thoroughly modern mothers
Nurse can cope with
Tricia and tiny Tom
Sure the kiddie's
heinous at seven
They'll be leaving home at 11
Junior said he's making
a homemade bomb
For under my mattress
That's the risk in
being a modern
Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom
- Very interesting.
I haven't felt so nostalgic
since Mama taught me to
march around the breakfast table.
Hoo-hoo, come up,
come up, hoo-hoo!
Come here, my little trooper.
- You rang, Wolfgang?
- Did you get my newspaper?
- Yes, I got a copy of
the World Telegram.
- Oh, you're cute
but I told you,
today the Telegram,
tomorrow the World.
- What seems to be your
trouble, Mr. Littlefield?
- Ugh, it's my mother.
She smothers me, she won't
leave me alone for a minute.
- Oh, now, that's a lie!
- Oh, mom!
- Smoke, smoke,
the team's on fire,
do you know I don't perspire?
Rah.
(horse neighing)
- Ishmael, I'll get
that Moby Dick
if it 'er the last thing I do.
- Oh, Cap'n Ahab, you've
doe nothing but search
for this whale for
the past 10 years.
- It's been 10 years?
My how time flies
when you're having fun.
- Come on, I'll race
you around the deck.
- Again?
- Yeah, come on.
- Wait'll I put the
wheel in my leg.
- Come on.
- I won, I was here first.
- Well, I've been talking
with you for an hour,
and I can't seem to see
that you have any
problem, Mr. Smith.
- Hoo-Ah, that's Miss Smith!
(slow piano intro)
- Well what more
does Malina Dietrich
have to do to get applause?
(single person clapping)
No no no no, don't bother.
Too little, and too late.
(audience laughing)
What's the news
Across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
will amuse you'se
Flabunchin' chair
I just love To give you my views
(harmonizing out of tune)
Dumb cup piano player.
La la de da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
Ugh, but enough about this.
Rowan and Martin.
- [Announcer] It's time
for the six o'clock news,
brought to your
every night at 12:30
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and Melvin Laird in government,
Howard Hughes in business,
Henry Ford in management,
Mia Farrow in labor,
and now, here's Dick Martin.
- Good evening, I am
away on vacation tonight,
so I will be filling
in for Dan Rowan,
who is on special
assignment someplace else,
and now, here's the news.
- Hollywood, California.
A new sports
record was set today
during the star-studded
Hollywood celebrity baseball game.
It occurred in
the fourth inning,
when Danny Thomas
swung at an inside pitch
and drove his nose
four hundred feet
into the left field seats.
- I don't like to hear that.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
After 20 years in the making,
Congress today finally
passed legislation granting
equal rights for the
blacks and the Indians.
Under the new law, every black
is treated the same
as every Indian.
(audience laughing)
- America was saddened
when its first marriage
between two men ended
today after five stormy years.
The action required
an unusual application
of the California divorce law.
When Mr. Tebitt sued Mr. Tebitt,
charging irreconcilable
similarities.
- I knew those guys
couldn't get along.
In news of the future,
another item from the future,
Washington DC,
20 years from now.
Outgoing chief of the
FBI, J. Edgar Hoover,
announced completion
of his long-awaited book,
Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know About Everybody,
But Were Afraid to Find Out.
For rights to the book,
Mr. Hoover is asking
25 million dollars,
or else he'll have it published.
- Here's what's happening
on the Hollywood scene.
- Hi friends, Busy Buzzy,
buzzin' around Tinseltown,
and have I got a
hot item for you.
Richard Burton was seen in
an intimate, secluded restaurant
with this glamorous movie star.
Insiders say that it's, uh,
more than a friendship.
Remember, friends, you
heard it first from Busy Buzzy.
(laughing)
Kissy kissy.
- Our editorial subject
tonight is divorce.
- Statistics show
that one out of every
three marriages ends in divorce.
It should be obvious to everyone
that we've got to stop
this high rate of divorce.
- Anyone wishing to
rebut this may do so-
- I disagree, a little known
fact is that the main cause
of divorce is marriage.
Now, if we can abolish marriage,
the divorce rate
would begin to decline.
- Well, if you're gonna
hit me with logic, forget it!
- Over to our sports
expert, come in Big Al!
- Hi guys, Big Al here.
(bell ringing)
Ugh, I love that bell.
Well, the final score
tonight is Dave Clark Five,
The Brothers Four, Chicago
Seven, Indianapolis 500,
Premier Two, and Don DeFore.
Ta-ta.
Ugh!
La da de da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
And I can't tell
you how sorry I am.
(speaking German)
- Captain, why this
relentless pursuit,
year after year, just
to find a big whale?
- Because I got an appetite
you wouldn't believe.
There's nothing like noshing
on a little minced whale
and Ritz crackers
before you go to bed.
- Well, it seems obvious to me,
after all your tests
and examinations
that you are obviously
suffering from schizophrenia,
a split personality.
- No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
- She's right.
- No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
(babbling excitedly)
- Uh, this campus unrest
is getting out of hand.
I mean, today, um,
loosen up a little.
I got a call to put
down a student uprising,
and it was at the
Police Academy.
- Well, I understand that at
last there's an all-volunteer
army in the war
on Southeast Asia.
- Oh, that's good!
- No, that's bad, it's the
North Vietnamese army.
- You know, my niece attends
a very progressive grade school.
- Really?
- Yes, grade school.
But they had to drop
show-and-tell, one of the girls
was showing, and all
of the boys were telling.
You should've seen her panties.
(funky music)
- And I'm gonna tell you
about next week's visit
of Farkles to the fabulous
farms in faraway Fargo.
Just pick that card up, please.
Frozen Fairbanks
and foggy Phoenix,
here are America's sweethearts.
(gasping)
- Oh no, it can't be!
- What is it, Miss Armsby?
- It's that masher
Tyrone F. Horneigh,
he follows me everywhere.
Whenever I get a new job,
he always shows
up just to annoy me.
(gasping) Oh, look, he's
on his way in here now!
- A masher, a masher!
You take care of
him Miss Armsby.
- Ah, Miss Armsby.
My little bird of paradise.
I knew I would find you
amongst some finery.
Haha, how do you crepe
de chine today, my love?
I see you've embarked
upon a new career.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh, you
better stay away from me!
- Pardon me, monsieur!
You are, how we say,
propositioning this lady, no?
- No, madam, but
I am, as they say,
trying to make out, yes.
- Well for your
information, monsieur,
this lady is spoken for!
(gasping)
(singing)
You see what this
is, that's Apache.
You see?
- Looked like a Sue to me.
- What do you say now?
- Would you care to
partake of a instant replay
of that kiss in English?
- Oh, Tyrone, you have
only one thing in mind.
- Oh, tut tut, not true my dear.
I have several
things on my mind.
Fact is, however, I can only
get to them one at a time.
(gasping)
- Why you!
Oh no, look what you made me do!
He doesn't even move!
- Miss Armsby, would
you care to see me move?
(gasping)
Would you care to move with me?
Lafayette, here I come.
- Be very careful.
(singing)
- Sometimes you can't
get those Frenchies
to move to Italy, believe me.
- Tune in next week, folks,
when Frenchie will appear
in the role of Carl Reiner.
- Well, Dick.
- Yeah, now that I've
gotten over my cold.
- Didn't know you had a cold.
- Well, I didn't
know you didn't.
- I don't, you do.
- I don't anymore.
- You don't?
- Doesn't everybody?
- I hear Carol Channing doesn't.
- Maybe nobody's asked her.
I know I didn't.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, I wasn't feeling
well, I had a cold you know.
- Oh, is that so?
- Who told you?
- I don't know, Carol
Channing, saw her at the party.
- Oh.
(funky music)
- Nancy, where do you
get Southern Comfort?
- Well, lately, most of
our southern comfort
has been coming
from the White House.
- My club is very
concerned about
the lack of tasteful
housing in the slums,
so we've picked
out a needy family,
and we're sending
them a subscription
to Better Homes and Gardens.
- My nephew's fourth grade
class is studying horses,
so I took him on a
field trip to Santa Anita.
I broke even, I lost two
kids but I won 47 dollars!
- Ah, cocoa?
- Uh-uh.
- Bon-bon?
- Uh-uh.
- Cha-cha?
- Uh-uh!
- Now, now.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Where, where?
(clock cuckooing)
- Uh-oh!
- What, what?
- Papa!
- Papa?
- Bang bang!
- Oh.
- Bye-bye.
- Ta-ta!
- Ladies, when your husband's
next birthday comes around,
get him something
special to wear.
Give him a
buckle-down windsockey.
- If that Vush takes
his finger out of his ear,
all the seltzer run
out of his head.
You like my new bush?
It's got a lot of mobility.
85 miles to a
pound of chlorophyll.
- Television has been
used by presidents
with more and more frequency,
and it seems inevitable that
to make these appearances
more interesting, and
to gain a wider audience,
they shall be influenced
by the shows around them.
One day, the president's
press conference
might even end like this.
- That's it for tonight, voters!
And here's our wonderful
cast, the Vice President!
The Secretary of Defense!
Secretary of Labor
and his orchestra!
Congressional
singers and dancers!
(cheering and applauding)
49 percent of American audiences
are the greatest
audience in the world!
What do you want, good
government or good taste?
- Both.
- Good night, everybody!
- Well, in my opinion, you're
suffering from masochism.
- Oh, oh,
that's wonderful.
Give it a shot here.
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by:
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the little
carefree car, Pinto!
- Well, that's
tonight's show, folks.
We'll see you next week.
Say good night, Dick.
- Folks, before I do, next
week on this very stage,
Howard Hughes singing "The
Best Things In Life Are Free".
Plus, Wayne and Huey Newton.
Angela and Bette Davis.
Don and Joan Sutherland.
- Wait, hold it, now none
of that's gonna happen
on Laugh-In next week.
- Oh yeah.
- False advertising.
- Hear hear now,
hold thy tongue.
Do you know what,
Premier Kosygin is
gonna do next Wednesday?
- Do I know what Premier Kosygin
is gonna do next-no I don't.
- Do you know
what's gonna happen
in the stock market tomorrow?
- Well certainly not,
anything can happen.
- Well, if anything can happen,
keep an eye on next
weeks show folks.
Keep an eye when
Mary Tyler Moore
will plug up the leak
in Dick Van Dyke.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Hooooooooo.
- I say, if the Lord had
meant us to see nude theatre
with exposed bodies,
we'd have been born naked.
- I think you may
be on to something.
- Oh yeah!
- I know that crime doesn't pay,
but neither does being a cop.
- Heard they just invented
a new birth control
pill for women.
Yes, you take one and every
night it gives you a headache.
- Hey, did you
see Dr. Doolittle?
- Do little, I didn't see
him do anything at all.
- Will you get back down there.
- Oh, Miss Channing?
- Yes?
- I saw a movie that you
would have been so great in.
- Oh really, what was it called?
- Hello, Dolly.
- Bye, Barbara.
- They say one picture is
worth a thousand words,
unless it's taken
at an office party,
then it could be worth
a thousand dollars.
- If you want
something built badly,
get yourself a
Burbank carpenter.
If you don't want it
built at all, get two.
- Richard, I decided to
live happily ever after.
- How come?
- Because I don't know
what else to do with myself.
- Well, I do, the Farkles.
- Do the Farkle.
- Dance, Dance!
- Mr. Pres-ee-dent, I
just want you to know
that I couldn't
agree with you more.
I tried and tried, but I just
couldn't agree with you more.
I agree we should love thy
neighbor, but I live next door
to Georgie Jessel and I
just don't have the time.
- I don't understand that,
you know how to make a
statue of a hippopotamus?
- Huh?
- Nancy, you know how to
make a statue of a hippopotamus?
- No, how do you?
- Well, you get this big block
a marble and you chip away
everything that doesn't
look like a hippopotamus.
Ow!
You have something to say?
- That was very good, Dan.
- If my new play, Four
on a Garden, is a success,
we're gonna do a sequel
called, Six in the Shrubs,
Eight on the Grass,
Ten in the Trees,
and the Vice Squad
on the Front Porch.
(whimsical music)
(door creaking)
(bang)
(car brakes squealing)
(crash)
- Ten year ago, Moby Dick
caused me to lose my leg.
And I'm gonna find him
and take my revenge.
- What are ya gonna do?
- I'm gonna rip his leg off.
- Oh, but Captain,
whales don't have legs.
- Oh, well in that case,
we'll search for the
great white centipede.
- Miss Chamming, did
you enjoy the show?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Rosmenko,
did I do alright?
- Well, you did it all.
- Right?
- Right.
- Right?
- Now say goodnight, cookie.
Goodnight, Cookie.
Good, you're beginning
to catching up to.
- Oh yeah.
(shoes tapping)
What's that.
- Look out, here comes
that fancy, tippy-tappy,
tooperoosh steppin'
on your toes.
- Goodnight America
and Mr. Pres-ee-dent.
Everyday and every
way, I promise to be true.
And I'll be brave and I'll
behave, especially for you,
Richard M. (gasping)
Agnew.
- [Narrator] God
Bless you, Barbara.
(tap dancing)
- That was unbelievable.
Unbelieveagable.
Did you hear that?
Now he's starting
to talk back, hahaha.
I never get any
back talk from Lucy.
I don't get any front
talk from her either.
In fact, she don't
talk to me no more,
whatever, no-how, somewhat.
(chuckles)
But I love her.
- That's what this show needs,
social commentary, thank-you's.
(clapping)
(door creaking)
(fabric ripping)