Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode #4.4 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(tinkling music)
- What do 1492 and
1776 have in common?
- They're adjoining suites
at the Burbank Hotel.
- You're cute, Tim,
but you're dumb.
(audience laughing)
- Blah, blah.
(audience laughing)
- And, here is Aristotle
Onasis to do his big number.
(whistling)
- Today, ventriloquism
season opened in Hollywood
and Edgar Bergen
threw out the first voice.
More sports news in a moment.
- Jump ball, six points.
(whistle blowing)
Okay, Fellini take it for two.
(audience laughing)
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
beautiful downtown Burbank
baton twirling contest
and box lunch quarter finals
listed in the yellow pages as
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with tonight's guest
star Ken Berry.
And, Arte Johnson, and
Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
(funky music)
and Lily Tomlin, plus
Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Nancie Phillips, Ann
Elder, Harvey Jason,
and the eleven tapping
toes of little Barbara Sharma.
And of course, the return
of Mervin the Magnificent,
and me, I'm Gary Owens.
I've never done a
commercial before,
but here are some words
for overweight people.
Fatso, porky, and
lardo, thank you.
(funky music)
- Mr. Berry, hello.
My name is Casmire,
Princeton '54, NBC continuity.
- Oh yes, yes, the censor.
- We don't use that term
on this network, Mr. Berry.
We don't censor.
We suggest.
Anyway, welcome to Laugh-In.
- Oh well, thank you.
- Don't look over there.
You know, this is
quite a change for you
from Mayberry R.F.D.
- Yes, I know that.
- You know, we get
a little racey here,
a bit closer to the
nitty-gritty, you know?
We say it like it is.
- Well, that's fine with me.
As a matter of fact,
I think it's about time
we took a more honest
and mature look at S, E, X.
- Oh don't, shut
your dirty mouth!
Land sakes boy,
have you no shame?
Just for that, no milk and
cookie for you at recess.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Knuckles, the boys
tell me you've been doing
a lot of talking lately.
- Let me explain.
Let me explain.
- It's too late, Knuckels.
You, my own brother, a stoolie.
And, that hurts the
whole family, so...
(bell ringing)
(slide whistle blowing)
- If he kissed you once,
will he kiss you again?
(slide whistle blowing)
- My gosh, I hope not.
His breath would
melt Mount Rushmore.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- [Garry] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford
with the better idea cars
for 1971 including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.
(funky music)
- Don't tell me.
Berry, berry...
- Ken Berry.
- No, strawberry.
(funky music)
And now, in the great
American tradition,
here is Dan Rowan
and Dick Nixon.
Oh darn.
It's Dan Nixon and Darn Rowan.
Oh, jinkies.
I mean it's Dick
Markin and Darn Din.
Oh shucks.
You know what I mean, America.
(whimsical music)
(funky music)
(audience cheering)
- Don't take any chances if
they're going to keep it going.
Would you like to see
that entrance again?
Wasn't that beauty?
- I thought that was nice.
- You're moving well
for a fella with a bad hip.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, we're going to have...
(tapping shoes)
- Someday, I'm going to
kick that kid in the ankle.
(laughing)
Kick you, kick you, kick you.
- We got to do the Quickies.
But, before we do,
I want to talk to you
about something
that's very interesting.
- Well now, that's
interesting, what?
- Spiro Agnew watches.
- He does?
(audience laughing)
Hi there, Mr. Agnew.
See, there were these
two effete intellectuals...
- Dick, I'm afraid you
misunderstood what I said.
- You said Spiro Agnew watches.
- No, Spiro Agnew
watches tic-toc.
- Good, I hope he enjoys
the Quickies, ding-dong.
(audience laughing)
- That was un-ga-belie-ga-book.
But, it's time for the
quickies, so ding-ding-dong.
Gotcha.
- [Gary] This is
an optical illusion.
If you stare intently
at the crossed lines
without moving long enough,
you will eventually get hungry.
- That is incredible.
(drum music)
(bell ringing)
- Alright buddy,
where's the fire?
(bell ringing)
- What floor do you want, sir?
- Oh I don't know,
what have you got?
- Tired blood.
- I've got three aces, you lose.
- Good, I'll walk.
- Going down.
- And, the guy said
we were too stupid
to pull off a bank job.
(laughing)
We really showed them.
- How much we get?
- There must be 20 grand here.
- Great!
How did we decide to split it?
- 50/50.
- Good!
Here's your 50,
and here's 50 for me.
- Right, let's scram.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Want to go to the drive-in
with me tomorrow night?
- What'll be playing?
- We will.
- I think I saw that.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
(bells ringing)
(funky music)
(coin rattling)
(coin rattling)
(funky music)
(clothes ripping)
- I don't think
free love will work.
Nobody'll buy that.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- And now, for our
black nursery rhyme.
- White sheep, white
sheep, have you any wool?
- Four!
He's a jolly good fellow - Four!
He's a jolly good fellow - Four!
He's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny (rattling)
- And now, the
fantastic dance team
of Julie and Ratzo Rizzo singing
It Must be Julie 'cause how
you gonna shake like that?
(muttering)
- Now, that's cute.
- Yes?
- You've been my patient
now for over, well, two years.
And well, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.
- Yes, what is it?
- Will you marry me?
- Oh yes!
Yes, I will!
- Oh, that's just wonderful.
(laughing)
- I'm so happy.
(laughing)
If you were the
only boy in the world
And you were the
only girl Nothing
- Boys and girls,
now, I'm not kidding
at least 27 mothers didn't
get a ringy-dingy last week.
Now, why do we want to have
all those unhappy mothers?
Lay a little ringy-dingy on 'em.
Ernestine means it.
(audience laughing)
- What are you
figuring out, Charlie?
- Well, my wife
is on a new diet.
She's losing six pounds a week.
So, I just figured
that in 23 weeks
I'll be rid of her completely.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I wish my wife
would go on a diet.
- It fills you up, not out.
(whimsical music)
- Well, that about
winds up the Quickies.
- I thought the quickies
were excellent tonight.
- Yeah, I'm sorry I missed them.
- What do you mean missed 'em?
You were in 'em.
- Really, how was I?
- Well, better than nothing.
- Good, those acting
lessons paid off then.
- Acting?
You're taking acting lessons?
- No, Audrey is.
- Oh, is she a good actress?
- Fantastic.
- Oh good.
- We're gonna
rehearse in Philadelphia
and open in Boston, and
if we get good reviews,
I'm gonna bring
her into New York.
- What play?
- No play, I'm just gonna
bring her into New York.
(audience laughing)
- Well, on your way to New York,
let's stop off at the party.
- Can I bring Audrey?
- You could except
she's opening in Boston.
- I forgot.
(tapping shoes)
Kick you, kick you, kick you.
(audience cheering)
- I like the outfit.
It really sings.
(funky music)
- You know, I know a
girl who was arrested
for wearing one of
those new dresses
that are made out
of the America flag.
- Isn't that against the law?
- It is if you wear
it at half mast.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I finally started my
long awaited comeback.
I play a nude hatchet
murderess in love
with an oversexed dwarf.
- And, are you taking it?
- Oh, only because
they assured me
it would be done in
the very best of taste.
(funky music)
- I've been teaching my
dog to attack a dummy
on command.
The other night a guy
tried to hold me up.
I gave the command,
and the dog ran home
and attacked the dummy.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Oh Tim, (stuttering)
the thing I really wanted
to tell you first of all
everyone knows
that you're so quick.
I'll never forget when
you stuck, you know,
then in your hand
and everything.
Well, in your show with
all that singing and dancing.
(stuttering)
They fooled around.
It's kind of exciting.
I just really want to
tell you how much.
What I wanted to convey.
The thing is, I
wanted to get across
is how much I wanted to tell you
how much I really
love your show.
- Thank you, go ahead.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(phone ringing)
Hello?
(phone ringing)
Hello?
(phone ringing)
(phone stops ringing)
(funky music)
- Kenny, I understand that
Dupont has just come out
with a device that's gonna
do away completely with smog
from the cars.
- Yes, yes, and I
understand the auto industry
is now working on a device
that'll completely do way
with Dupont.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I'm Susie Sorority
from the silent majority.
And, if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.
Rah.
Daddy doesn't mind if I play
around as long as it's golf.
Rah.
(audience laughing)
Two, four, six, eight, boy,
have I made Arnold wait.
- Oh, there's that
charming young lady again,
so very tasteful.
(creaking)
How very interesting.
(whimsical music)
- Taste.
- Golly gosh, I
could hear that again.
- Don't worry, you will.
We haven't time to chat
Or dine with Dick and Pat
We've got something better to do
A moment can't be sparred
To fight with Melvin Laird
We've got something better to do
We haven't time to eat
The snobs they call effete
Or analyze the things they
do on Pennsylvania Street
We havn't time to sit
And laugh at Agnew's wit
It's time to la-da-di-da
Oh, ladies and gents,
nothing looks at the news
Here's Dan and Dick.
(audience clapping)
- [Gary] It's time to take off
with the 7:47 news with
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and Mother Hubbard
in the cupboard.
Lizzie Borden in the kitchen.
Ester Williams in hot water.
Lassie in heat.
And now, here's Dan Rowan.
- And good evening,
Dan Rowan there,
and Dick Martin here.
Or, Dick Martin there
and Dan Rowan here.
Or, vice-versa, or whatever
and nevertheless it's time
for the news.
- People were caught
by surprise today
when the world came to an end.
The only person to
survive the holocaust
was Los Angeles mayor,
Sam Geordie, who wasn't there
at the time.
(audience laughing)
- I told him to keep traveling.
Jane Fonda who has been
campaigning vigorously for Indian
rights was, today, made
an honorary member
of the Apache tribe.
Immediately following
the ceremony,
the United States
government took over
her Beverly Hills
home and moved her
to a small reservation
in Oklahoma.
- That's what's
known as the Bureau
of Indian Affairs, gotcha.
- Pocatello, Idaho, sex
researchers Masters and Johnson
received proof, today,
that elderly couples
can have a normal,
romantic relationship
when 106 year old Homer
Ferguson announced
that his 105 year old wife
Maude had just given birth
to their first child, a 72
year old man named Harold.
- I don't like to
hear that Dick.
- [Dick] No, I don't either.
- And now, reporter Army Archerd
with a stock market feature.
- Here is stock
broker Robert Evans.
Mr. Evans, how does the
market look to you these days?
- Well, as you know, we're going
through a very critical
economic period.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
So long, Darryl.
(audience laughing)
And frankly, I see no
evidence of an upward trend
in the foreseeable future.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
Cancel the luncheon
appointment with Mr. Bludehorn.
Oh, and cancel Mr. Bludehorn.
You know, with him gone,
I'm the only stock broker alive
in this whole building.
- Is that because you're the
only one who's optimistic?
- No, it's because
I'm the only one
with an office on
the ground floor.
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
You see?
You see?
(laughing)
- I hope he didn't
come down on a farkle.
- And, that reminds
me, next week,
I believe we're going to
have the Farkles again.
(laughing)
- Well, don't worry.
Nowadays, medical
science can cure anything.
Now, back to the news.
- Here's a distressing item.
While putting down
a campus uprising,
an overzealous policeman,
today, suddenly became confused,
found himself sympathetic
to the students' cause.
Upon realizing his
mistake, he fired
two warning shots
over his own head,
informed himself of
his rights, and dragged
himself off to the
paddy wagon shouting,
"Police brutality!
"Up against the wall!"
- And, here's a further
development on that story.
He just broke free and
made a clean escape.
However, an arrest is expected
momentarily as the officer
has reported he has
narrowed the suspects down
to two, and is rapidly
closing in on himself.
(audience laughing)
- That certainly is a
happy ending to that story.
Saigon, since the last
prisoner was released
from the tiger cages at
Kansan prison in Vietnam,
officials have received
numerous inquiries
from New York slum
landlords who want
to buy them up and rent
them out at $65 a month.
(tinkling music)
- Oh golly gosh, I didn't know
we were coming back to me.
- See there, Dick,
now, we're gonna have
to start all over again.
(audience laughing)
- Ick, did I just see
some tasteless cavorting?
Please boys and girls,
control yourselves.
Thank you.
(creaking)
- For the international
commuter,
here's the weather
in Tel Aviv, Israel.
(tinkling music)
- Listen, have I
got a day for you.
Look at this.
For this, I would have
to say rain or snow,
what's the difference?
I don't think anybody lives
there anymore anyhow.
About the wind, the wind blows.
What else could wind do?
Wind blows.
Rain rains.
Snow snows.
What do you expect, miracles?
As for tomorrow's
outlook, I haven't a clue.
But, (thunder crashing)
I do have warnings.
Don't drive your campers
on the Gaza Strip.
- One final item of
news of the future.
20 years from now, 1982...
- [Dan] '76.
- Thank you very
much, trombones.
The first interplanetary
beauty contest
was won today by Miss Jupiter.
Miss Jupiter measures
a perfect 36, 26, 94.
- Well, that's it and...
- 43, 107, 19, 45.
- Goodnight.
- 11.
- Goodnight.
- Her other leg measures five.
(audience laughing)
- That's 30.
- So was her nose.
Goodnight Miss Jupiter,
whatever you are.
Ladies and gents,
laughing looks at the news
(tapping shoes)
- My name's Edith
Ann, and you know what,
I love red jellybeans.
You could take a red jellybean
and you could
wet it a little bit.
And, you could rub
it on your mouth,
and you could make lipstick.
And, you can't
tell the difference
except real lipstick
coasts a dollar,
and you can't eat it afterwards.
And, that's the truth.
(audience laughing)
- I just made a new album
called Ken Berry R.F.D.
- Oh, that's nice.
What's the name of the album?
- Ken Berry R.F.D.
- Too bad, I just
heard of another album
called the same thing.
- Ken Berry R.F.D?
- No, The Same Thing.
- Oh well, I like Ken
Berry R.F.D. much better
than The Same Thing.
Well, it's the same thing.
- Congratulations,
Mr. Ronny Cowan
just won the Burbank
look-a-like contest.
She will receive a free
ride on an RCA whirlpool,
a cool refreshing week's
vacation in an Amana freezer,
plus 2,000 pounds of
kitty liter, and a picture
of the kitty that did it.
Congratulations Ronny.
(phone ringing)
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(funky music)
- Oh man, at last
week's rock festival,
it was like a real
international event.
The groups came from England.
The kids came from America.
The grass came from Mexico,
and the cops came from all over.
(audience laughing)
- I must say I was shocked,
today, when I received
a tasteless invitation to
join a wife swapping party.
I must say the dos
were incredible.
The don'ts were
rather amusing too.
(audience laughing)
- Hey pale face, what's
your biggest holiday?
- The day commemorating
full equality for my people.
- What day is that?
- Tomorrow would be a gas.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Shake well before using.
(pinball machine ringing)
- We'll be back
in moment to list
all of our hangups
alphabetically.
- That was a
commercial which proves
you can impugn
the ecronomy among
the nefarious
convalutions, but the inverse
of the corollary still
redounds to the pernurious.
In other words, folks, here
come the station break.
- In Puerto Vallarta, (laughing)
it used to be Liz and Dick.
Now, it's Pat and Dick.
- Oh no!
Well, poor Liz, you know,
with all of her good looks,
she just can't seem
to hold onto a guy.
- Hey Ann.
You know, I like
President Johnson.
In fact, I went all
the way with LBJ.
- Oh, did Lady Bird
know about that?
- Oh of course, she
voted for him too.
(audience laughing)
- I said prepare for the
emergence of the station break.
- You are really fat!
(whimsical music)
- [Garry] This is
an optical illusion.
Actually, these three lines
are exactly the same length.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I've been offered a
part in the movie version
of Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know about Sex
but Were Afraid to Ask.
- Really, what are
you gonna be doing?
- I don't know.
I'm afraid to ask.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Dan, you know, some of
the pessimistic college students
are joining the VFW.
- The Veterans of Foreign Wars?
- Oh no, no, the
Veterans of Future Wars.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy-dingies.
A gracious good
afternoon, have I reached
the party to whom I am speaking?
Penn-Central Railroad?
Penn-Central Railroad,
this is Miss Tomlin
of the telephone company.
I'd like to point out
that in the great tradition
of American railroading
your telephone bill
is long overdo.
(audience laughing)
Just a little telephone
company humor.
Yes, I know things are tough.
And, I'm terribly sorry.
I guess you might say
that the railroad business
has found the
20th century limited.
(laughing)
Oh, that's a good one!
Hello?
Hello?
- We interrupt this program
to bring you a tornado warning.
- Stay away from tornadoes.
(audience laughing)
- Laugh-In, now, takes you back
to the execution of
King Henry VII's fifth wife.
(laughing)
- My subjects are saying I
do this sort of thing for sport.
Believe me, it's no game.
No game.
But, remember now, keep
your left elbow straight,
your head down, and
remember to follow through.
- Four!
- No, no, no.
No, you fool.
That's five.
Five!
(laughing)
But, stay in shape.
I'm engaged again.
- Chippy?
- If you don't shut up,
you can get in a whole lot
of trouble, mama.
(audience laughing)
- Listen to Tiny.
He's the executioner.
- Yeah lady, and you're
just the executionee.
- Four.
- Hey baby, how
'bout another drink?
- No thanks, I've
learned that a wise man
knows his own limitations.
- What's your limit?
- I don't know.
(laughing)
I always pass out
before I reach it.
(audience laughing)
- Must've reached it.
(funky music)
- Daddy just bought the
transit system in Atlanta,
and he hired a
few black drivers.
We call 'em our bus tokens.
(funky music)
- We switch, now,
to Felix Simple
with an instant analysis.
- Mr. Littlefield,
you are crazy.
(audience laughing)
- I am not crazy, and what's
more it's Miss Littlefield.
- Oh, in that case, I'm crazy.
Let's dance.
(speaking in a foreign language)
Two, three, four.
Say, is your first name Audrey?
- No, she's my brother.
- Oh, is he a dancer?
- No, she's a republican.
- I see then let's dance faster.
One, two, three, one two three.
- How small a town is Mayberry?
- Well, to give you an
idea, I'm the glee club.
(laughing)
Oh gosh.
(laughing)
I'm the glee club.
(laughing)
Talk about your good times.
(laughing)
- Time, now, to visit with
America's most perceptive
couple, Clarence
and Clara Voyant.
- Hi honey, I'm so
glad you're home.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, did I have a rough...
- Oh, I know, dear.
He he had no business
yelling at you just for...
- Well, I told you to set the...
- Well, it went off on time,
but you just wouldn't get...
- It doesn't matter
because today...
- You landed that big account.
Oh, I'm so...
- Well, you should be.
I couldn't have
done it without...
- Thanks dear.
Oh by the way,
today, junior got his...
- I told him not to play with...
- But, Freddie's his best...
- Well, forget
about his black eye.
Let's go out to eat tonight.
- I've already
made reservations.
- Great.
I've been wanting
to try that new...
- Restaurant, I know.
- I know you know.
- I know you knew, I know.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, it's for you.
(phone ringing)
- Hi Bert.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(slide whistle blowing)
- Well, the same to you fella.
(funky music)
- I'm doing a study on bondage.
Why don't you come
over to my place,
and I'll show you the ropes.
- I'd love to, but I'm afraid
I'm going to be all tied up.
- That's a good assumption.
(funky music)
- It's pretty embarrassing
the way the government
is behind the times.
I was in the post
office last week,
and they still show
last year's picture of me.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Young man, would
you be interested
in part-time employment?
- I don't know, what part?
- Mornings.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Tonight, dearly beloved,
our Mod, Mod World
looks at a rather
unusual subject...
- Wayne Newton is here?
- No.
(audience laughing)
Tonight, we're
looking at the world
of the funeral business
and those friendly fellows
who dedicate
their lives to death.
- Great, just great.
That has all the lighthearted
hilarity of the 'Frisco quake.
- Yes, you do love
funerals, don't you?
Well, it may seem
a somber theme,
but when you're
dead, you're dead.
- That's life.
- That's true.
- You know that my uncle
Ephraim was a funeral director?
- You uncle Ephraim.
- Uncle Ephraim.
He had to give it up
though because of a death
in the family.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Who died?
- Uncle Ephraim.
(audience laughing)
- How did it happen?
- Like this.
(audience laughing)
- Just went right away?
- I guess it was an
occupational disease.
- I'm sorry to hear about that,
but you're gonna have to face it
sooner or later we all gotta go.
- Yeah well, make
mine later, much later.
- Oh come one now,
no one has ever found
the secret of life.
- Well, I have.
- You have?
What is it?
- I can't tell it's a secret.
- Oh come on, you can tell me.
What's the secret of life?
- Well, the secret of life
is Mrs. Howard K. Ardsley.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Howard K. Ardsley
is the secret of life?
- So far in my life,
I've kept her secret.
If old Howard K.
Ever finds out...
- You're dead.
That's what I'm
trying to tell you.
You're gonna have
to accept the fact
that even you can go
and Mrs. Ardsley too.
- Okay Dan, but
what a way to go!
- Why don't you just keep quiet
and let me introduce
tonight's Mod, Mod World.
- Alright, it's your funeral.
We're five undertakers
We welcome you to Happy Acres
We haven't met you, but
someday we might get you
Our chose profession
leaves little room
For self expression
Methods don't vary
It's always cash and bury
We seldom get to meet first
You always enter feet first
But when you're card
game's played out
We help to get you laid out
We have a suspicion
nobody loves a poor mortician
It would be nice if you try
Cause we're gonna
see you by and by
Dee-ie, die, die,
die Die, die, die
Die, die, die
Die, diddley-ie, die, die, die
Die, die, die You
ask why we do it
It's quiet work
there's nothing to it
We're always ready
And heaven knows it's steady
There's nothing much occurring
When days are spent interring
But nights get pretty scary
All around the mortuary
A tisket a tasket, we've found
the blue and yellow casket
Drop in and give it a try
Don't need to malign us
You'd better watch that sinus
Cause we're gonna
see you by and by
Dee-ie, die, die,
die Die, die, die
- We buried my uncle in
saran wrap because he believed
in reincarnation.
He thinks he's coming back
as a peanut butter sandwich.
- Mr. Diller, do you really
like the undertaking business?
- Well, it's a living.
(audience laughing)
(tinkling music)
(crying)
- How terrible.
What a tragedy.
Why him?
Why him?
Why not you?
(crying)
- Madam, try and
get a hold of yourself.
- He was too young to die.
- Madam, he was 96.
- He was too old to die.
(crying)
It was so unexpected.
He was never sick
a day in his life.
- It says here that
he had been laid up
with a bad heart
for over 20 years.
- Well, so he was sick once.
(crying)
What's gonna
happen to the children?
- Madam, I understand
there was only one child.
His son is 71.
Well, he's too old
to be an orphan.
(crying)
Oh Henry.
Henry, Henry!
(crying)
- Madam, it's Charles.
- Charles?
- Oh good heavens.
(laughing)
I must be in the wrong room.
(laughing)
Oh, I better hurry.
Henry hates it when I'm late.
(audience laughing)
- When I die, I'm going to
give my body to science.
- Why don't you give
now and go later?
(audience laughing)
- They don't call me Weird
Wilbur the snake freak
for nothing.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- And so, we pay our
last respects to a fine man,
a good husband, and a
very, very dear friend of mine,
beloved Hershel Levene.
- [Man In Casket] That's
beloved Hershel Levine.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Hampton, in regards
to your beloved husband Hugh,
I would like to acquaint
you with some of the services
we perform here at the
Arrivederci Funeral Home.
- Thank you very much.
You're very kind.
- [Funeral Director]
You're welcome.
- This says $2,100 for a coffin?
- Yes, we're
interring the beloved
in our El Conquistador model.
(audience laughing)
- Do you have anything cheaper?
- Why certainly.
We have the Roustabout model.
It's only $1,600.
- What's the difference?
- Oh basically,
they're same except
the Roustabout
doesn't have a top.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'll take your
Conquistador model.
- I thought you would.
Now, in regard to
the other services,
we'll, of course,
have the routine costs
of transportation, flowers,
minister, music, ushers,
a photographer, the usual.
It all comes to a
grand total of $4,750.
(coughing)
- That sounds fine.
- Now, where it
the dear departed?
- Well, he's in a
motel in Cleveland.
He departed this
morning with the maid.
(audience laughing)
- Drat, then he's still alive?
- Well, he won't be
when I get to Cleveland.
- I see.
Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
Murray, you can pencil
in Mr. Hugh Hampton.
Saturday, week.
(audience laughing)
(tinkling music)
- I understand if a
person commits suicide,
he cannot be
buried by the church.
- A friend of mine did and was.
- Oh really?
- He dug a hole
in the church yard
and jumped off the steeple
with a load of dirt on his back.
(slide whistle blowing)
(humming)
- Gee, it's too bad about Joe,
- Yeah, he was a great guy.
- That's true, and he
almost had no faults at all.
- Well, maybe one small one.
He always wanted
to have the last word.
- [Man In Casket] I did not.
(audience laughing)
(humming)
(laughing)
- I had a wonderful
time last night.
I went to a surprise funeral.
The guest of honor
was really shocked.
(laughing)
It almost killed him.
(laughing)
(funky music)
- Would you want a
eulogy at your funeral?
- Over my dead body.
(audience laughing)
- I was never afraid of dying
until I found out
what funerals cost.
Well, that's life.
(audience laughing)
(tinkling music)
(audience laughing)
- Well, what do you think of
tonight's Mod, Mod World?
- Well, after seeing
it, I have decided
I am not going
to have a funeral.
- You're not gonna
have, well don't be silly.
What are you gonna
do when you die?
- Same thing as uncle
Ephraim, something like this.
(audience laughing)
- I thought he'd never leave.
The business keeps soaring
This basic black
gets really boring
I'd love some bright tie and dye
There's no need to spite us
Just watch that tonsillitis
Cause we're gonna
see you by and by
Dee-ie, die, die,
die Die, die, die
(audience clapping)
(mysterious music)
- Mervin that was magnificent!
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(slide whistle blowing)
Hello?
(whimsical music)
- Hey, little sweetie, do
you prefer gin, scotch,
or bourbon?
- Yes!
(audience laughing)
- [Garry] Optical illusion.
As you lean your
head back, the dots
will be replaced by a ceiling.
(phone ringing)
(whimsical music)
(crashing)
(phone ringing)
(funky music)
(singing)
- You know...
With all the pick
pockets around today,
I suggest you start
carrying your wallet around
in your breast pocket.
Oh alright.
(blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(funky music)
- Conditions in our
school are so bad
that this past year
absenteeism increased over 80%
and those were
just the teachers.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I just played tennis
with Raquel Welch.
What a set.
(audience laughing)
Three, six, three, six.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
(orchestral music)
- Time once again for
the Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate award.
And, tonight's award is a dilly.
- And, we're not slipping
it to a pickle factory.
- No sir.
- Tonight's recipient is
the Department of Interior.
- Yes, they've been
deserving it for a long time.
But, it seems they
have been allowing
the Fouke Fur Company
to have a monopoly
in their business on
the Pribilof islands
off Alaska's coast.
- Tell our friends
what those folks
from Fouke do up there.
- I intend to.
Folks, the folks from
Fouke, once a year,
this privately owned
company goes
to these government
owned islands,
and they harvest the seal crop.
- That's right.
And, the way these
Fouke fur folks do it
is to drive the seals
inland until their lungs
are bursting.
And, then they just
club 'em to death
with those heavy poles.
(laughing)
- Well, a Miss Alice Harrington
of the Friends of Animals
recently went up there
to photograph this
annual massacre,
but the department
regulations state
that visitors to the
area can't get too close
while these animals
are being clubbed.
- Yeah, they say they're afraid
the visitors might
scare the seals
into trampling each
other to death, you know,
which I guess would
take all the sport out of it.
(laughing)
- Sure.
So, here it is,
Department of Interior.
Sorry, we can't give you a
monopoly on these things.
- Just don't think of this
as our seal of approval.
- No.
(seal barking)
- And now, the lovely
and talented Dean Birch
and his Society
Orchestra playing
I'll FCC You in My Dream.
- You all remember
Dean Birch, folks,
the man who put fun
back into broadcasting.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Penn Central?
Penn Central,
this is Miss Tomlin
at the phone company again.
We seem to be have
gotten a bad connection.
I guess you'd know all
about that, wouldn't you?
(audience laughing)
Oh goodness, that's
another goodie from Ma Bell.
(audience laughing)
Just a minute, sir.
Just a minute, you are not
dealing with just anyone's fool.
I am a high school graduate.
Now then, am I speaking
to the chief accountant?
Oh well then, perhaps
I should have asked
for your immediate
supervisor, the super chief?
(laughing)
Oh goodness, that's another one.
Let's see, now, that makes
telephone company three,
railroads nothing, doesn't it?
(audience laughing)
Alright now, don't
try to sidetrack me.
I'm just full of them.
Let's get back to the bill.
Yes, I want to
discuss this bill.
Oh, you will?
You're going to send us a check?
Good for you.
Say listen, just to make
sure that is gets here
would you please
send it airmail?
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
(funky music)
- You know, critics
of the news media
say that TV newscasters
should concentrate
only on good news.
- Well, if they did that,
then we wouldn't know
what the politician in
Washington were doing.
- Now, that's good news.
(funky music)
- Say gang, know what to
do with spare bellybuttons?
Put them in the navel reserve.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
Ford with the better idea cars
for 1971 including the
new, little carefree car, Pinto.
(bell ringing)
- According to my
Agnew watch, it's time
to say goodnight, Dick.
- Just a second.
- What's the matter?
- I haven't told you who
we're having on next week.
- I was hoping you'd forget.
- Who could possibly forget
the fabulous Dusseldorf Dwarfs.
(audience laughing)
- The Dusseldorf Dwarfs?
- Oh, they're terrific.
You know, what they
do is they run out onstage
and stack themselves nine
high, and run into low doorways.
(audience laughing)
- I don't want to hear about it.
- Neither does Carl.
- Who's Carl?
- Well, he's the top dwarf.
You can't miss him.
He has this big crease
across his forehead.
- I'm not surprised.
- He is.
They hit those door backwards.
(laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick,
and hang in there Carl.
(audience laughing)
- See you next week, folks.
- Do we go now?
Now?
Are you ready?
- Hello, Ken.
- My uncle thinks he's a
Lockheed C5A cargo plane.
- Why don't you take
him to the doctor?
- I would, but I can't
get him off the ground.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan] You hit it again?
(laughing)
- Last night, what the heck?
(laughing)
Last night, the
police, yeah, arrested
a topless dancer.
When they booked
her at the station,
they took a front
shot, and a profile shot.
(audience laughing)
- And then?
- And finally, they
took one of her face.
- Speaking of mustards,
my uncle bites his nails.
Now, that's bad
in his profession.
- What profession is that?
- He's a carpenter.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle was a flagpole
sitter who did it the hard way,
half mast.
- The cost of education
certainly is rising.
You need savings bonds
to send your kid to college
and bail bonds
to keep him there.
Think about it.
- Annette Funicello makes
so many beach movies,
her career used to rise
and fall with the tides.
(laughing)
- You know, I snore so
loud, I keep waking myself up.
- Well, you know
what you should do,
you should sleep
in separate rooms.
- I do.
- Scientists say the only
way to control mosquitoes
is through sex.
- It doesn't matter.
They'll bit you no
matter what you're doing
even if you're kissing.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan] That's old
Excedrin number 12.
(laughing)
- Speak up, Dick.
- Ruthie, what's
good for mosquitoes?
- Oh, I let them bit me.
They seem to enjoy that.
Yummie, yum-yum.
- Johnny!
- Yeah, Barb?
- What's a small fry?
- Something a Chinese
midget has on his trousers.
(laughing)
- It's my turn again?
- [Dan] Yes.
Having fun?
- Yes, wonderful.
Hey, it's hard for
some guys to adjust
right after a divorce, you know?
I saw a friend of mine,
yesterday at a super market,
trying to by some
frozen leftovers.
(laughing)
- Did you hear the tragic story
about the old woman
who lived in a shoe?
- No, what about her?
- She died of athlete's house.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(phone ringing)
- No, I'll get it.
I got it.
(phone ringing)
(whimsical music)
(phone ringing)
- I'll get it.
(phone ringing)
Listen, don't call
me anymore, will ya?
(audience laughing)
- This is the
(mumbling) the world.
(laughing)
But, it was very interesting.
Mostly because crazy like
the tupering, tappering person
wasn't around.
(laughing)
(tap shoes tapping)
I spoke too soon.
Run for the hills.
Here comes trouble.
(laughing)
- Don't panic, Wolfgang.
It's only me.
- Ken Bernie.
(audience laughing)
That was you with
the tuppering tuppering.
- Yes.
(laughing)
(tap shoes tapping)
How'd you like it?
- Well, let me be gentle.
It was rotten.
That's what it was.
It's taps for you.
(laughing)
- You better come
with me, Wolfgang.
After a joke like
that, you don't want
to hang around here where
you'll be an easy target.
That's one of the better ones.
(tap shoes tapping)
- The finest man I ever knew
was President Spiro Agnew.
See you next
week, Mr. President.
(whimsical drums)
(clapping)
(creaking)
(clapping)
(chimes sounding)
(clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(tinkling music)
- What do 1492 and
1776 have in common?
- They're adjoining suites
at the Burbank Hotel.
- You're cute, Tim,
but you're dumb.
(audience laughing)
- Blah, blah.
(audience laughing)
- And, here is Aristotle
Onasis to do his big number.
(whistling)
- Today, ventriloquism
season opened in Hollywood
and Edgar Bergen
threw out the first voice.
More sports news in a moment.
- Jump ball, six points.
(whistle blowing)
Okay, Fellini take it for two.
(audience laughing)
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
beautiful downtown Burbank
baton twirling contest
and box lunch quarter finals
listed in the yellow pages as
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin
with tonight's guest
star Ken Berry.
And, Arte Johnson, and
Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
(funky music)
and Lily Tomlin, plus
Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Nancie Phillips, Ann
Elder, Harvey Jason,
and the eleven tapping
toes of little Barbara Sharma.
And of course, the return
of Mervin the Magnificent,
and me, I'm Gary Owens.
I've never done a
commercial before,
but here are some words
for overweight people.
Fatso, porky, and
lardo, thank you.
(funky music)
- Mr. Berry, hello.
My name is Casmire,
Princeton '54, NBC continuity.
- Oh yes, yes, the censor.
- We don't use that term
on this network, Mr. Berry.
We don't censor.
We suggest.
Anyway, welcome to Laugh-In.
- Oh well, thank you.
- Don't look over there.
You know, this is
quite a change for you
from Mayberry R.F.D.
- Yes, I know that.
- You know, we get
a little racey here,
a bit closer to the
nitty-gritty, you know?
We say it like it is.
- Well, that's fine with me.
As a matter of fact,
I think it's about time
we took a more honest
and mature look at S, E, X.
- Oh don't, shut
your dirty mouth!
Land sakes boy,
have you no shame?
Just for that, no milk and
cookie for you at recess.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Knuckles, the boys
tell me you've been doing
a lot of talking lately.
- Let me explain.
Let me explain.
- It's too late, Knuckels.
You, my own brother, a stoolie.
And, that hurts the
whole family, so...
(bell ringing)
(slide whistle blowing)
- If he kissed you once,
will he kiss you again?
(slide whistle blowing)
- My gosh, I hope not.
His breath would
melt Mount Rushmore.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- [Garry] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford
with the better idea cars
for 1971 including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.
(funky music)
- Don't tell me.
Berry, berry...
- Ken Berry.
- No, strawberry.
(funky music)
And now, in the great
American tradition,
here is Dan Rowan
and Dick Nixon.
Oh darn.
It's Dan Nixon and Darn Rowan.
Oh, jinkies.
I mean it's Dick
Markin and Darn Din.
Oh shucks.
You know what I mean, America.
(whimsical music)
(funky music)
(audience cheering)
- Don't take any chances if
they're going to keep it going.
Would you like to see
that entrance again?
Wasn't that beauty?
- I thought that was nice.
- You're moving well
for a fella with a bad hip.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, we're going to have...
(tapping shoes)
- Someday, I'm going to
kick that kid in the ankle.
(laughing)
Kick you, kick you, kick you.
- We got to do the Quickies.
But, before we do,
I want to talk to you
about something
that's very interesting.
- Well now, that's
interesting, what?
- Spiro Agnew watches.
- He does?
(audience laughing)
Hi there, Mr. Agnew.
See, there were these
two effete intellectuals...
- Dick, I'm afraid you
misunderstood what I said.
- You said Spiro Agnew watches.
- No, Spiro Agnew
watches tic-toc.
- Good, I hope he enjoys
the Quickies, ding-dong.
(audience laughing)
- That was un-ga-belie-ga-book.
But, it's time for the
quickies, so ding-ding-dong.
Gotcha.
- [Gary] This is
an optical illusion.
If you stare intently
at the crossed lines
without moving long enough,
you will eventually get hungry.
- That is incredible.
(drum music)
(bell ringing)
- Alright buddy,
where's the fire?
(bell ringing)
- What floor do you want, sir?
- Oh I don't know,
what have you got?
- Tired blood.
- I've got three aces, you lose.
- Good, I'll walk.
- Going down.
- And, the guy said
we were too stupid
to pull off a bank job.
(laughing)
We really showed them.
- How much we get?
- There must be 20 grand here.
- Great!
How did we decide to split it?
- 50/50.
- Good!
Here's your 50,
and here's 50 for me.
- Right, let's scram.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Want to go to the drive-in
with me tomorrow night?
- What'll be playing?
- We will.
- I think I saw that.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
(bells ringing)
(funky music)
(coin rattling)
(coin rattling)
(funky music)
(clothes ripping)
- I don't think
free love will work.
Nobody'll buy that.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- And now, for our
black nursery rhyme.
- White sheep, white
sheep, have you any wool?
- Four!
He's a jolly good fellow - Four!
He's a jolly good fellow - Four!
He's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny (rattling)
- And now, the
fantastic dance team
of Julie and Ratzo Rizzo singing
It Must be Julie 'cause how
you gonna shake like that?
(muttering)
- Now, that's cute.
- Yes?
- You've been my patient
now for over, well, two years.
And well, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.
- Yes, what is it?
- Will you marry me?
- Oh yes!
Yes, I will!
- Oh, that's just wonderful.
(laughing)
- I'm so happy.
(laughing)
If you were the
only boy in the world
And you were the
only girl Nothing
- Boys and girls,
now, I'm not kidding
at least 27 mothers didn't
get a ringy-dingy last week.
Now, why do we want to have
all those unhappy mothers?
Lay a little ringy-dingy on 'em.
Ernestine means it.
(audience laughing)
- What are you
figuring out, Charlie?
- Well, my wife
is on a new diet.
She's losing six pounds a week.
So, I just figured
that in 23 weeks
I'll be rid of her completely.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I wish my wife
would go on a diet.
- It fills you up, not out.
(whimsical music)
- Well, that about
winds up the Quickies.
- I thought the quickies
were excellent tonight.
- Yeah, I'm sorry I missed them.
- What do you mean missed 'em?
You were in 'em.
- Really, how was I?
- Well, better than nothing.
- Good, those acting
lessons paid off then.
- Acting?
You're taking acting lessons?
- No, Audrey is.
- Oh, is she a good actress?
- Fantastic.
- Oh good.
- We're gonna
rehearse in Philadelphia
and open in Boston, and
if we get good reviews,
I'm gonna bring
her into New York.
- What play?
- No play, I'm just gonna
bring her into New York.
(audience laughing)
- Well, on your way to New York,
let's stop off at the party.
- Can I bring Audrey?
- You could except
she's opening in Boston.
- I forgot.
(tapping shoes)
Kick you, kick you, kick you.
(audience cheering)
- I like the outfit.
It really sings.
(funky music)
- You know, I know a
girl who was arrested
for wearing one of
those new dresses
that are made out
of the America flag.
- Isn't that against the law?
- It is if you wear
it at half mast.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I finally started my
long awaited comeback.
I play a nude hatchet
murderess in love
with an oversexed dwarf.
- And, are you taking it?
- Oh, only because
they assured me
it would be done in
the very best of taste.
(funky music)
- I've been teaching my
dog to attack a dummy
on command.
The other night a guy
tried to hold me up.
I gave the command,
and the dog ran home
and attacked the dummy.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Oh Tim, (stuttering)
the thing I really wanted
to tell you first of all
everyone knows
that you're so quick.
I'll never forget when
you stuck, you know,
then in your hand
and everything.
Well, in your show with
all that singing and dancing.
(stuttering)
They fooled around.
It's kind of exciting.
I just really want to
tell you how much.
What I wanted to convey.
The thing is, I
wanted to get across
is how much I wanted to tell you
how much I really
love your show.
- Thank you, go ahead.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(phone ringing)
Hello?
(phone ringing)
Hello?
(phone ringing)
(phone stops ringing)
(funky music)
- Kenny, I understand that
Dupont has just come out
with a device that's gonna
do away completely with smog
from the cars.
- Yes, yes, and I
understand the auto industry
is now working on a device
that'll completely do way
with Dupont.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I'm Susie Sorority
from the silent majority.
And, if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.
Rah.
Daddy doesn't mind if I play
around as long as it's golf.
Rah.
(audience laughing)
Two, four, six, eight, boy,
have I made Arnold wait.
- Oh, there's that
charming young lady again,
so very tasteful.
(creaking)
How very interesting.
(whimsical music)
- Taste.
- Golly gosh, I
could hear that again.
- Don't worry, you will.
We haven't time to chat
Or dine with Dick and Pat
We've got something better to do
A moment can't be sparred
To fight with Melvin Laird
We've got something better to do
We haven't time to eat
The snobs they call effete
Or analyze the things they
do on Pennsylvania Street
We havn't time to sit
And laugh at Agnew's wit
It's time to la-da-di-da
Oh, ladies and gents,
nothing looks at the news
Here's Dan and Dick.
(audience clapping)
- [Gary] It's time to take off
with the 7:47 news with
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and Mother Hubbard
in the cupboard.
Lizzie Borden in the kitchen.
Ester Williams in hot water.
Lassie in heat.
And now, here's Dan Rowan.
- And good evening,
Dan Rowan there,
and Dick Martin here.
Or, Dick Martin there
and Dan Rowan here.
Or, vice-versa, or whatever
and nevertheless it's time
for the news.
- People were caught
by surprise today
when the world came to an end.
The only person to
survive the holocaust
was Los Angeles mayor,
Sam Geordie, who wasn't there
at the time.
(audience laughing)
- I told him to keep traveling.
Jane Fonda who has been
campaigning vigorously for Indian
rights was, today, made
an honorary member
of the Apache tribe.
Immediately following
the ceremony,
the United States
government took over
her Beverly Hills
home and moved her
to a small reservation
in Oklahoma.
- That's what's
known as the Bureau
of Indian Affairs, gotcha.
- Pocatello, Idaho, sex
researchers Masters and Johnson
received proof, today,
that elderly couples
can have a normal,
romantic relationship
when 106 year old Homer
Ferguson announced
that his 105 year old wife
Maude had just given birth
to their first child, a 72
year old man named Harold.
- I don't like to
hear that Dick.
- [Dick] No, I don't either.
- And now, reporter Army Archerd
with a stock market feature.
- Here is stock
broker Robert Evans.
Mr. Evans, how does the
market look to you these days?
- Well, as you know, we're going
through a very critical
economic period.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
So long, Darryl.
(audience laughing)
And frankly, I see no
evidence of an upward trend
in the foreseeable future.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
Cancel the luncheon
appointment with Mr. Bludehorn.
Oh, and cancel Mr. Bludehorn.
You know, with him gone,
I'm the only stock broker alive
in this whole building.
- Is that because you're the
only one who's optimistic?
- No, it's because
I'm the only one
with an office on
the ground floor.
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
You see?
You see?
(laughing)
- I hope he didn't
come down on a farkle.
- And, that reminds
me, next week,
I believe we're going to
have the Farkles again.
(laughing)
- Well, don't worry.
Nowadays, medical
science can cure anything.
Now, back to the news.
- Here's a distressing item.
While putting down
a campus uprising,
an overzealous policeman,
today, suddenly became confused,
found himself sympathetic
to the students' cause.
Upon realizing his
mistake, he fired
two warning shots
over his own head,
informed himself of
his rights, and dragged
himself off to the
paddy wagon shouting,
"Police brutality!
"Up against the wall!"
- And, here's a further
development on that story.
He just broke free and
made a clean escape.
However, an arrest is expected
momentarily as the officer
has reported he has
narrowed the suspects down
to two, and is rapidly
closing in on himself.
(audience laughing)
- That certainly is a
happy ending to that story.
Saigon, since the last
prisoner was released
from the tiger cages at
Kansan prison in Vietnam,
officials have received
numerous inquiries
from New York slum
landlords who want
to buy them up and rent
them out at $65 a month.
(tinkling music)
- Oh golly gosh, I didn't know
we were coming back to me.
- See there, Dick,
now, we're gonna have
to start all over again.
(audience laughing)
- Ick, did I just see
some tasteless cavorting?
Please boys and girls,
control yourselves.
Thank you.
(creaking)
- For the international
commuter,
here's the weather
in Tel Aviv, Israel.
(tinkling music)
- Listen, have I
got a day for you.
Look at this.
For this, I would have
to say rain or snow,
what's the difference?
I don't think anybody lives
there anymore anyhow.
About the wind, the wind blows.
What else could wind do?
Wind blows.
Rain rains.
Snow snows.
What do you expect, miracles?
As for tomorrow's
outlook, I haven't a clue.
But, (thunder crashing)
I do have warnings.
Don't drive your campers
on the Gaza Strip.
- One final item of
news of the future.
20 years from now, 1982...
- [Dan] '76.
- Thank you very
much, trombones.
The first interplanetary
beauty contest
was won today by Miss Jupiter.
Miss Jupiter measures
a perfect 36, 26, 94.
- Well, that's it and...
- 43, 107, 19, 45.
- Goodnight.
- 11.
- Goodnight.
- Her other leg measures five.
(audience laughing)
- That's 30.
- So was her nose.
Goodnight Miss Jupiter,
whatever you are.
Ladies and gents,
laughing looks at the news
(tapping shoes)
- My name's Edith
Ann, and you know what,
I love red jellybeans.
You could take a red jellybean
and you could
wet it a little bit.
And, you could rub
it on your mouth,
and you could make lipstick.
And, you can't
tell the difference
except real lipstick
coasts a dollar,
and you can't eat it afterwards.
And, that's the truth.
(audience laughing)
- I just made a new album
called Ken Berry R.F.D.
- Oh, that's nice.
What's the name of the album?
- Ken Berry R.F.D.
- Too bad, I just
heard of another album
called the same thing.
- Ken Berry R.F.D?
- No, The Same Thing.
- Oh well, I like Ken
Berry R.F.D. much better
than The Same Thing.
Well, it's the same thing.
- Congratulations,
Mr. Ronny Cowan
just won the Burbank
look-a-like contest.
She will receive a free
ride on an RCA whirlpool,
a cool refreshing week's
vacation in an Amana freezer,
plus 2,000 pounds of
kitty liter, and a picture
of the kitty that did it.
Congratulations Ronny.
(phone ringing)
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(funky music)
- Oh man, at last
week's rock festival,
it was like a real
international event.
The groups came from England.
The kids came from America.
The grass came from Mexico,
and the cops came from all over.
(audience laughing)
- I must say I was shocked,
today, when I received
a tasteless invitation to
join a wife swapping party.
I must say the dos
were incredible.
The don'ts were
rather amusing too.
(audience laughing)
- Hey pale face, what's
your biggest holiday?
- The day commemorating
full equality for my people.
- What day is that?
- Tomorrow would be a gas.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Shake well before using.
(pinball machine ringing)
- We'll be back
in moment to list
all of our hangups
alphabetically.
- That was a
commercial which proves
you can impugn
the ecronomy among
the nefarious
convalutions, but the inverse
of the corollary still
redounds to the pernurious.
In other words, folks, here
come the station break.
- In Puerto Vallarta, (laughing)
it used to be Liz and Dick.
Now, it's Pat and Dick.
- Oh no!
Well, poor Liz, you know,
with all of her good looks,
she just can't seem
to hold onto a guy.
- Hey Ann.
You know, I like
President Johnson.
In fact, I went all
the way with LBJ.
- Oh, did Lady Bird
know about that?
- Oh of course, she
voted for him too.
(audience laughing)
- I said prepare for the
emergence of the station break.
- You are really fat!
(whimsical music)
- [Garry] This is
an optical illusion.
Actually, these three lines
are exactly the same length.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I've been offered a
part in the movie version
of Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know about Sex
but Were Afraid to Ask.
- Really, what are
you gonna be doing?
- I don't know.
I'm afraid to ask.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Dan, you know, some of
the pessimistic college students
are joining the VFW.
- The Veterans of Foreign Wars?
- Oh no, no, the
Veterans of Future Wars.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy-dingies.
A gracious good
afternoon, have I reached
the party to whom I am speaking?
Penn-Central Railroad?
Penn-Central Railroad,
this is Miss Tomlin
of the telephone company.
I'd like to point out
that in the great tradition
of American railroading
your telephone bill
is long overdo.
(audience laughing)
Just a little telephone
company humor.
Yes, I know things are tough.
And, I'm terribly sorry.
I guess you might say
that the railroad business
has found the
20th century limited.
(laughing)
Oh, that's a good one!
Hello?
Hello?
- We interrupt this program
to bring you a tornado warning.
- Stay away from tornadoes.
(audience laughing)
- Laugh-In, now, takes you back
to the execution of
King Henry VII's fifth wife.
(laughing)
- My subjects are saying I
do this sort of thing for sport.
Believe me, it's no game.
No game.
But, remember now, keep
your left elbow straight,
your head down, and
remember to follow through.
- Four!
- No, no, no.
No, you fool.
That's five.
Five!
(laughing)
But, stay in shape.
I'm engaged again.
- Chippy?
- If you don't shut up,
you can get in a whole lot
of trouble, mama.
(audience laughing)
- Listen to Tiny.
He's the executioner.
- Yeah lady, and you're
just the executionee.
- Four.
- Hey baby, how
'bout another drink?
- No thanks, I've
learned that a wise man
knows his own limitations.
- What's your limit?
- I don't know.
(laughing)
I always pass out
before I reach it.
(audience laughing)
- Must've reached it.
(funky music)
- Daddy just bought the
transit system in Atlanta,
and he hired a
few black drivers.
We call 'em our bus tokens.
(funky music)
- We switch, now,
to Felix Simple
with an instant analysis.
- Mr. Littlefield,
you are crazy.
(audience laughing)
- I am not crazy, and what's
more it's Miss Littlefield.
- Oh, in that case, I'm crazy.
Let's dance.
(speaking in a foreign language)
Two, three, four.
Say, is your first name Audrey?
- No, she's my brother.
- Oh, is he a dancer?
- No, she's a republican.
- I see then let's dance faster.
One, two, three, one two three.
- How small a town is Mayberry?
- Well, to give you an
idea, I'm the glee club.
(laughing)
Oh gosh.
(laughing)
I'm the glee club.
(laughing)
Talk about your good times.
(laughing)
- Time, now, to visit with
America's most perceptive
couple, Clarence
and Clara Voyant.
- Hi honey, I'm so
glad you're home.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, did I have a rough...
- Oh, I know, dear.
He he had no business
yelling at you just for...
- Well, I told you to set the...
- Well, it went off on time,
but you just wouldn't get...
- It doesn't matter
because today...
- You landed that big account.
Oh, I'm so...
- Well, you should be.
I couldn't have
done it without...
- Thanks dear.
Oh by the way,
today, junior got his...
- I told him not to play with...
- But, Freddie's his best...
- Well, forget
about his black eye.
Let's go out to eat tonight.
- I've already
made reservations.
- Great.
I've been wanting
to try that new...
- Restaurant, I know.
- I know you know.
- I know you knew, I know.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, it's for you.
(phone ringing)
- Hi Bert.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(slide whistle blowing)
- Well, the same to you fella.
(funky music)
- I'm doing a study on bondage.
Why don't you come
over to my place,
and I'll show you the ropes.
- I'd love to, but I'm afraid
I'm going to be all tied up.
- That's a good assumption.
(funky music)
- It's pretty embarrassing
the way the government
is behind the times.
I was in the post
office last week,
and they still show
last year's picture of me.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Young man, would
you be interested
in part-time employment?
- I don't know, what part?
- Mornings.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Tonight, dearly beloved,
our Mod, Mod World
looks at a rather
unusual subject...
- Wayne Newton is here?
- No.
(audience laughing)
Tonight, we're
looking at the world
of the funeral business
and those friendly fellows
who dedicate
their lives to death.
- Great, just great.
That has all the lighthearted
hilarity of the 'Frisco quake.
- Yes, you do love
funerals, don't you?
Well, it may seem
a somber theme,
but when you're
dead, you're dead.
- That's life.
- That's true.
- You know that my uncle
Ephraim was a funeral director?
- You uncle Ephraim.
- Uncle Ephraim.
He had to give it up
though because of a death
in the family.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Who died?
- Uncle Ephraim.
(audience laughing)
- How did it happen?
- Like this.
(audience laughing)
- Just went right away?
- I guess it was an
occupational disease.
- I'm sorry to hear about that,
but you're gonna have to face it
sooner or later we all gotta go.
- Yeah well, make
mine later, much later.
- Oh come one now,
no one has ever found
the secret of life.
- Well, I have.
- You have?
What is it?
- I can't tell it's a secret.
- Oh come on, you can tell me.
What's the secret of life?
- Well, the secret of life
is Mrs. Howard K. Ardsley.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Howard K. Ardsley
is the secret of life?
- So far in my life,
I've kept her secret.
If old Howard K.
Ever finds out...
- You're dead.
That's what I'm
trying to tell you.
You're gonna have
to accept the fact
that even you can go
and Mrs. Ardsley too.
- Okay Dan, but
what a way to go!
- Why don't you just keep quiet
and let me introduce
tonight's Mod, Mod World.
- Alright, it's your funeral.
We're five undertakers
We welcome you to Happy Acres
We haven't met you, but
someday we might get you
Our chose profession
leaves little room
For self expression
Methods don't vary
It's always cash and bury
We seldom get to meet first
You always enter feet first
But when you're card
game's played out
We help to get you laid out
We have a suspicion
nobody loves a poor mortician
It would be nice if you try
Cause we're gonna
see you by and by
Dee-ie, die, die,
die Die, die, die
Die, die, die
Die, diddley-ie, die, die, die
Die, die, die You
ask why we do it
It's quiet work
there's nothing to it
We're always ready
And heaven knows it's steady
There's nothing much occurring
When days are spent interring
But nights get pretty scary
All around the mortuary
A tisket a tasket, we've found
the blue and yellow casket
Drop in and give it a try
Don't need to malign us
You'd better watch that sinus
Cause we're gonna
see you by and by
Dee-ie, die, die,
die Die, die, die
- We buried my uncle in
saran wrap because he believed
in reincarnation.
He thinks he's coming back
as a peanut butter sandwich.
- Mr. Diller, do you really
like the undertaking business?
- Well, it's a living.
(audience laughing)
(tinkling music)
(crying)
- How terrible.
What a tragedy.
Why him?
Why him?
Why not you?
(crying)
- Madam, try and
get a hold of yourself.
- He was too young to die.
- Madam, he was 96.
- He was too old to die.
(crying)
It was so unexpected.
He was never sick
a day in his life.
- It says here that
he had been laid up
with a bad heart
for over 20 years.
- Well, so he was sick once.
(crying)
What's gonna
happen to the children?
- Madam, I understand
there was only one child.
His son is 71.
Well, he's too old
to be an orphan.
(crying)
Oh Henry.
Henry, Henry!
(crying)
- Madam, it's Charles.
- Charles?
- Oh good heavens.
(laughing)
I must be in the wrong room.
(laughing)
Oh, I better hurry.
Henry hates it when I'm late.
(audience laughing)
- When I die, I'm going to
give my body to science.
- Why don't you give
now and go later?
(audience laughing)
- They don't call me Weird
Wilbur the snake freak
for nothing.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- And so, we pay our
last respects to a fine man,
a good husband, and a
very, very dear friend of mine,
beloved Hershel Levene.
- [Man In Casket] That's
beloved Hershel Levine.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Hampton, in regards
to your beloved husband Hugh,
I would like to acquaint
you with some of the services
we perform here at the
Arrivederci Funeral Home.
- Thank you very much.
You're very kind.
- [Funeral Director]
You're welcome.
- This says $2,100 for a coffin?
- Yes, we're
interring the beloved
in our El Conquistador model.
(audience laughing)
- Do you have anything cheaper?
- Why certainly.
We have the Roustabout model.
It's only $1,600.
- What's the difference?
- Oh basically,
they're same except
the Roustabout
doesn't have a top.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'll take your
Conquistador model.
- I thought you would.
Now, in regard to
the other services,
we'll, of course,
have the routine costs
of transportation, flowers,
minister, music, ushers,
a photographer, the usual.
It all comes to a
grand total of $4,750.
(coughing)
- That sounds fine.
- Now, where it
the dear departed?
- Well, he's in a
motel in Cleveland.
He departed this
morning with the maid.
(audience laughing)
- Drat, then he's still alive?
- Well, he won't be
when I get to Cleveland.
- I see.
Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
Murray, you can pencil
in Mr. Hugh Hampton.
Saturday, week.
(audience laughing)
(tinkling music)
- I understand if a
person commits suicide,
he cannot be
buried by the church.
- A friend of mine did and was.
- Oh really?
- He dug a hole
in the church yard
and jumped off the steeple
with a load of dirt on his back.
(slide whistle blowing)
(humming)
- Gee, it's too bad about Joe,
- Yeah, he was a great guy.
- That's true, and he
almost had no faults at all.
- Well, maybe one small one.
He always wanted
to have the last word.
- [Man In Casket] I did not.
(audience laughing)
(humming)
(laughing)
- I had a wonderful
time last night.
I went to a surprise funeral.
The guest of honor
was really shocked.
(laughing)
It almost killed him.
(laughing)
(funky music)
- Would you want a
eulogy at your funeral?
- Over my dead body.
(audience laughing)
- I was never afraid of dying
until I found out
what funerals cost.
Well, that's life.
(audience laughing)
(tinkling music)
(audience laughing)
- Well, what do you think of
tonight's Mod, Mod World?
- Well, after seeing
it, I have decided
I am not going
to have a funeral.
- You're not gonna
have, well don't be silly.
What are you gonna
do when you die?
- Same thing as uncle
Ephraim, something like this.
(audience laughing)
- I thought he'd never leave.
The business keeps soaring
This basic black
gets really boring
I'd love some bright tie and dye
There's no need to spite us
Just watch that tonsillitis
Cause we're gonna
see you by and by
Dee-ie, die, die,
die Die, die, die
(audience clapping)
(mysterious music)
- Mervin that was magnificent!
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
(slide whistle blowing)
Hello?
(whimsical music)
- Hey, little sweetie, do
you prefer gin, scotch,
or bourbon?
- Yes!
(audience laughing)
- [Garry] Optical illusion.
As you lean your
head back, the dots
will be replaced by a ceiling.
(phone ringing)
(whimsical music)
(crashing)
(phone ringing)
(funky music)
(singing)
- You know...
With all the pick
pockets around today,
I suggest you start
carrying your wallet around
in your breast pocket.
Oh alright.
(blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(funky music)
- Conditions in our
school are so bad
that this past year
absenteeism increased over 80%
and those were
just the teachers.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I just played tennis
with Raquel Welch.
What a set.
(audience laughing)
Three, six, three, six.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
(orchestral music)
- Time once again for
the Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate award.
And, tonight's award is a dilly.
- And, we're not slipping
it to a pickle factory.
- No sir.
- Tonight's recipient is
the Department of Interior.
- Yes, they've been
deserving it for a long time.
But, it seems they
have been allowing
the Fouke Fur Company
to have a monopoly
in their business on
the Pribilof islands
off Alaska's coast.
- Tell our friends
what those folks
from Fouke do up there.
- I intend to.
Folks, the folks from
Fouke, once a year,
this privately owned
company goes
to these government
owned islands,
and they harvest the seal crop.
- That's right.
And, the way these
Fouke fur folks do it
is to drive the seals
inland until their lungs
are bursting.
And, then they just
club 'em to death
with those heavy poles.
(laughing)
- Well, a Miss Alice Harrington
of the Friends of Animals
recently went up there
to photograph this
annual massacre,
but the department
regulations state
that visitors to the
area can't get too close
while these animals
are being clubbed.
- Yeah, they say they're afraid
the visitors might
scare the seals
into trampling each
other to death, you know,
which I guess would
take all the sport out of it.
(laughing)
- Sure.
So, here it is,
Department of Interior.
Sorry, we can't give you a
monopoly on these things.
- Just don't think of this
as our seal of approval.
- No.
(seal barking)
- And now, the lovely
and talented Dean Birch
and his Society
Orchestra playing
I'll FCC You in My Dream.
- You all remember
Dean Birch, folks,
the man who put fun
back into broadcasting.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Penn Central?
Penn Central,
this is Miss Tomlin
at the phone company again.
We seem to be have
gotten a bad connection.
I guess you'd know all
about that, wouldn't you?
(audience laughing)
Oh goodness, that's
another goodie from Ma Bell.
(audience laughing)
Just a minute, sir.
Just a minute, you are not
dealing with just anyone's fool.
I am a high school graduate.
Now then, am I speaking
to the chief accountant?
Oh well then, perhaps
I should have asked
for your immediate
supervisor, the super chief?
(laughing)
Oh goodness, that's another one.
Let's see, now, that makes
telephone company three,
railroads nothing, doesn't it?
(audience laughing)
Alright now, don't
try to sidetrack me.
I'm just full of them.
Let's get back to the bill.
Yes, I want to
discuss this bill.
Oh, you will?
You're going to send us a check?
Good for you.
Say listen, just to make
sure that is gets here
would you please
send it airmail?
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
(funky music)
- You know, critics
of the news media
say that TV newscasters
should concentrate
only on good news.
- Well, if they did that,
then we wouldn't know
what the politician in
Washington were doing.
- Now, that's good news.
(funky music)
- Say gang, know what to
do with spare bellybuttons?
Put them in the navel reserve.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
Ford with the better idea cars
for 1971 including the
new, little carefree car, Pinto.
(bell ringing)
- According to my
Agnew watch, it's time
to say goodnight, Dick.
- Just a second.
- What's the matter?
- I haven't told you who
we're having on next week.
- I was hoping you'd forget.
- Who could possibly forget
the fabulous Dusseldorf Dwarfs.
(audience laughing)
- The Dusseldorf Dwarfs?
- Oh, they're terrific.
You know, what they
do is they run out onstage
and stack themselves nine
high, and run into low doorways.
(audience laughing)
- I don't want to hear about it.
- Neither does Carl.
- Who's Carl?
- Well, he's the top dwarf.
You can't miss him.
He has this big crease
across his forehead.
- I'm not surprised.
- He is.
They hit those door backwards.
(laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick,
and hang in there Carl.
(audience laughing)
- See you next week, folks.
- Do we go now?
Now?
Are you ready?
- Hello, Ken.
- My uncle thinks he's a
Lockheed C5A cargo plane.
- Why don't you take
him to the doctor?
- I would, but I can't
get him off the ground.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan] You hit it again?
(laughing)
- Last night, what the heck?
(laughing)
Last night, the
police, yeah, arrested
a topless dancer.
When they booked
her at the station,
they took a front
shot, and a profile shot.
(audience laughing)
- And then?
- And finally, they
took one of her face.
- Speaking of mustards,
my uncle bites his nails.
Now, that's bad
in his profession.
- What profession is that?
- He's a carpenter.
(audience laughing)
- My uncle was a flagpole
sitter who did it the hard way,
half mast.
- The cost of education
certainly is rising.
You need savings bonds
to send your kid to college
and bail bonds
to keep him there.
Think about it.
- Annette Funicello makes
so many beach movies,
her career used to rise
and fall with the tides.
(laughing)
- You know, I snore so
loud, I keep waking myself up.
- Well, you know
what you should do,
you should sleep
in separate rooms.
- I do.
- Scientists say the only
way to control mosquitoes
is through sex.
- It doesn't matter.
They'll bit you no
matter what you're doing
even if you're kissing.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan] That's old
Excedrin number 12.
(laughing)
- Speak up, Dick.
- Ruthie, what's
good for mosquitoes?
- Oh, I let them bit me.
They seem to enjoy that.
Yummie, yum-yum.
- Johnny!
- Yeah, Barb?
- What's a small fry?
- Something a Chinese
midget has on his trousers.
(laughing)
- It's my turn again?
- [Dan] Yes.
Having fun?
- Yes, wonderful.
Hey, it's hard for
some guys to adjust
right after a divorce, you know?
I saw a friend of mine,
yesterday at a super market,
trying to by some
frozen leftovers.
(laughing)
- Did you hear the tragic story
about the old woman
who lived in a shoe?
- No, what about her?
- She died of athlete's house.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(phone ringing)
- No, I'll get it.
I got it.
(phone ringing)
(whimsical music)
(phone ringing)
- I'll get it.
(phone ringing)
Listen, don't call
me anymore, will ya?
(audience laughing)
- This is the
(mumbling) the world.
(laughing)
But, it was very interesting.
Mostly because crazy like
the tupering, tappering person
wasn't around.
(laughing)
(tap shoes tapping)
I spoke too soon.
Run for the hills.
Here comes trouble.
(laughing)
- Don't panic, Wolfgang.
It's only me.
- Ken Bernie.
(audience laughing)
That was you with
the tuppering tuppering.
- Yes.
(laughing)
(tap shoes tapping)
How'd you like it?
- Well, let me be gentle.
It was rotten.
That's what it was.
It's taps for you.
(laughing)
- You better come
with me, Wolfgang.
After a joke like
that, you don't want
to hang around here where
you'll be an easy target.
That's one of the better ones.
(tap shoes tapping)
- The finest man I ever knew
was President Spiro Agnew.
See you next
week, Mr. President.
(whimsical drums)
(clapping)
(creaking)
(clapping)
(chimes sounding)
(clapping)