Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Ladies and
gentlemen, this edition of

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in
is indeed a happy one.

Tonight, our special
guest is a young lady

who used to be a
regular on this show.

She went on to become
an Oscar winner as the

Best Supporting Actress in 1969

for her role in Cactus Flower.

She's now one of
the most sought-after

actresses in Hollywood,



but we're happy to
say she's still the same

sweet, lovable
simple Goldie Hawn.

(audience applauding)

(trumpets fanfare)

(audience laughing)

- You may speak, Dick.

- Uh, no, I'm Dan, Goldie.

You remember me.

- Well then, Dan
Martin, Dan Martin,

how could I forget?

- Hi Goldie.

- That's Dick, Goldie.

- Charmed.

Would you care
to kiss my statue?



(audience laughing)

- Uh, no I kissed
Bette Davis' last year.

If you've kissed one,
you've kissed them all.

- Have him flogged.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Goldie, all the
kids from the show are here

and they want to
say hello to you.

- Have them
introduce themselves.

- Oh, come on, Goldie.

- You will refer to me
as Your Royal Goldiness.

Now whom are you?

- Goldie!

I'm Ruth Buzzi, Roochie.

- Did you ever have a statue?

- No, not yet.

- Here, hold mine.

(audience laughing)

- Hi Goldst, it's me, Johnst.

- How quaint.

- Hi Goldie.

Remember me, Alan Sues?

- Hm.

- Huh?

- That's nice.

- Goldie, I worked with
you last year, I'm Lily Tomlin.

- Oh, yes, you're the dumb one.

Oh, Ben, how nice to see you!

I just love your rice.

- Goldie, I'm Johnny Brown.

- Oooh.

(audience laughing)

- Goldie, these
are the new kids.

You haven't met them
before, this is Dennis Allen,

Nancy Phillips, and
Barbara Sharma.

Aren't you going to say
hello to them, Goldie?

- Are they just our
guest stars, or are they,

uh, just regulars.

- Well, they're
regulars, they're going to

be on every week.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

Now tell me, Dick, how
much you've missed me.

- I'm Dan, yeah, I've
missed you all right, Goldie.

- Well, whatever your name is.

- Yes, and Dick?

Why don't we go get that present

from all the cast for Goldie?

- Oh, all righty.
- We have a present.

- You wait right here, Goldie.

- I will accept your tiny
gift on behalf of all of me.

And I'd like to thank
all the little people

who stood in my way
before I pushed them aside.

(audience laughing)

(Goldie laughing)

Oh, George!

For a minute, I thought
you guys had changed.

(theme music)

(thud)

(audience laughing)

(makes playful noise)

- Oh, golly gosh,
I'm sorry, Dale,

I thought you were your mother.

(audience laughing)

- Goldie.

- Hi.

- My name is Barbara Sharma, hi.

- Hi Barbara.

- Listen, I'm new on the
show and I was wondering,

since you've been here
so long, if you could sort of

show me the ropes and
introduce me to some of the people.

- Sure, yeah, I'd be glad to...
- Well, um.

- Barbara.

- Which one is Harvey Korman?

- He's the one standing right
next to Charles Nelson Reilly.

(drum sound effect)

- And now, here they
are, Harvey Korman

and Charles Nelson Reilly.

(audience applauding)

(jazzy music)

- I'm so glad you
didn't say, may I.

Hey, we got some.

- Sounds like a
Pinky Lee audience.

- It really does, they're
just wild and exuberant.

- I guess.

I remember the act,
wild and exuberant.

- Aren't you excited this week?

- Why?

- Huh?
- Why?

- Goldie Hawn's our guest star.

- Goldie Hawn a guest star?

- Guest star.

- Well, she's on every week.

- She's not a regular anymore.

You didn't see her the last,

first two shows, did you?

Did you see her last week?

See her the week before that?
- No.

Well, if she can't
show up regularly,

let's get rid of her.

(audience laughing)

- Dick, Goldie's
been in the movies.

- Well, that's worse.

Why can't she go to
movies on Wednesdays

like the rest of us?

- No, no, no.

Didn't you see Cactus Flower?

- Matter of fact, I did, I
saw it last Wednesday.

(chuckles)

I've been meaning to mention it.

There's a little blonde
in there that's just great.

We ought to get
her to replace Goldie.

- Well that was Goldie.

- Well which one was
Walter Matthau then?

(light laughter)

- He was the one standing
next to Harvey Korman.

(claps)

- You know, Dan, that's right.

Harvey Korman would
make a great guest.

- Yeah he would,
but we can't get him,

he's a regular every
week with Carol Burnett.

- You see, if he can show
up for work every week,

why can't Goldie?

(audience laughing)

- Did I hear my name?

I think you called me, hi.

- Well, it's about
time you showed up.

- Well now, I can't stay
long, you know why.

Because I'm looking
for Lyle Wagoner.

- Oh, well he's standing
over there next to

Harvey Korman
and Walter Matthau.

- That's Walter Matthau?

- The one next to Harvey Korman.

- Well then who was that
blonde I saw in Cactus Flower?

- That was no blonde,
that was Gus' wife.

(audience laughing)

- You see, Goldie?

Everything's just about
the same around here.

(giggles)

- Oh, boy.

Boy, Dan, you know, Dick
is so confused, isn't he?

He's dumb and confused.

Come on, let's go
to the cocktail party.

- Anything you say, Joanne.

(drums)

- I do hope that tonight,
with that nice little girl

as guest star, this group
of ribald rowdy ruffians

will control themselves
and at least attempt

to be tasteful, thank you.

(audience laughing)

I should never eat cabbage.

(rock music)

- Uh, Goldie?

- Yes?

- What do you think about the,

giving the 18 year
olds the right to vote?

- I think that it, I don't know,

I don't think that it's fair.

- Don't think so?

- I don't feel that, no.
- Why not?

- Well, I think that it
would be fair if they gave

the 19 and the 20 year
olds the same right,

you know what I mean?

(audience laughing)

(theme music)

- Oh, things are
really getting bad.

The market is down,
the prices are up,

and I'm beginning
not to feel the pinch.

(audience laughing)

(rock music)

- Carol?

- Yes?

- I wonder if you could
help me with something?

- Well of course,
little Goldie, what is it?

- Well, I'm writing a book.

- Yes.

- And I've run into
a little problem.

- Oh?

Well now, what's the book about?

- That's the problem.

(audience laughing)

(organ music)

- Hello Neighbors.

Chaplain Bud Homily
here with the thought

for the day.

(clears throat)

Remember the sign on
the door to opportunity

is marked, push.

(cracking sound)

(audience laughing)

- It is time now for
chapter one, book one,

in the story of a typical
Washington, DC white collar

worker and his better half.

Come along with us as
we Meet the Mitchells.

- Martha, one of these days,

Martha, right to the moon.

- Now, Honeypot,
don't get all fired up.

All I said was, the queen
dresses awfully tacky.

- Yes, but you
said it to the king.

(audience laughing)

- Well, shut my mouth.

- Martha, if only I could.

(audience laughing)

Just once.

(upbeat jazzy rock music)

- You know, I've just finished
a paper on autosuggestion.

- What is autosuggestion,
Doctor Simple?

- Well, autosuggestion is
when you say to a fraulein,

get in the backseat, Cookie.

(audience laughing)

- The motion picture industry
is finally doing something

about improving the environment,

taking all the
garbage off the streets,

and putting it on the screen.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat jazz music)

(kazoos playing)

(audience laughing)

- And I realize, as the President
of the Last National Bank,

that the economic picture is
getting much brighter, and...

- [Unknown Voiceover]
Daddy, daddy!

- Yeah, what is it?

- Daddy, daddy, I
only have two cavities.

- Oh, how charming.

Here's a dollar, go buy
yourself a couple more.

- You're all heart
Mister Slotzer.

- We'll be right back after
this commercial message.

- Audrey, I'm waiting.

- And now back to our program.

- And now ladies and
gentlemen, we proudly present

Mervin the Magnificent.

- Mervin, that was magificent.

- Magnificent. (giggling)

- Magnificent, ooo wow
Mervin, that was magnificent.

Ooo wow.

(ticking)

(upbeat jazz music)

- And see, in our
commune, we didn't think

there was anything wrong
with the animals in the house,

until one day the goat went over

and opened up the window, heavy.

(audience laughing)

- Our school system in Boston
is doing something tasteful

about the population explosion.

We're teaching sex education,

but we're teaching it wrong.

(audience laughing)

- The syndicate has just
received its annual report.

Our gross profit
from the candy store,

before taxes, was $750,000.

- How much was it after taxes?

- $750,000.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Laugh-In cocktail
party, take two.

Cue the bishop.

- Jake, you don't really
think that old stick of a twig

can show you where
water is, do you?

- Land sakes, any damn fool
knows a divining rod works.

(space sound effect) Oh,
Sarah, Sarah don't move.

I'm getting a reading.

- See, I told you that
durn thing wouldn't work.

(splash)

- [All] Aaaaaah.

- I suppose that
was chicken soup.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, now is the
time that you introduce

Dan and Dick on the show.

And they come out and
they do a monologue.

- Oh, well Goldie,

which one is Dan
and which one is Dick?

- I don't know, I just say, Dan
and Dick, and they answer.

(audience laughing)

- Here he is to do a
monologue, Duck and Din.

- Hey Barbara,
that was fantastic.

You know, I didn't get it right,

two years I was on this
show, I didn't get it right.

- Well, keep up
the good work kid.

They may ask you back.

- That little beauty's
a real comer, all right.

- Well sir, you should
be interested in this.

Tonight, Laugh-In
takes a look at women.

- Is that all you
can think about?

Women?

- Is that all I can think about?

- There's a lot more in
life than women, you know.

- Well, gloriosky, am I ever
glad to hear you say that.

For instance?

- Well, there's uh,

there's ladies,
and there's girls,

and there's,

boy when you're
right you're right.

- Now that that's settled,

what we're looking at
tonight isn't just women,

we're also gonna take a look

at this women's
movement for liberation.

- What does that mean?

- Well, basically modern
women want to be equal.

- Well, I haven't found
anything to equal them yet.

(audience laughing)

- They're demanding a
more active role in society.

For example, they want someone
to take care of the children.

- We used to have one
of those, called Mother.

- And they want
professional childcare centers.

- We had one of
those too, called home.

- And they would like to
get out and have a little fun,

swing a little.

- We still have one of those.

- What do you call her?

- About twice a week.

(audience laughing)

- We're getting
away from the point.

See, women want to be
treated with more respect,

and more dignity, and equal pay.

For instance, if a woman
said that she could do

everything that you can do,
shouldn't she get the same pay?

- Oh yeah, and I'd give
her a few dollars myself.

- That's just it.

Women are fed up
with being exploited,

like Hugh Hefner.

- Hugh Hefner's a woman?

- No, no, no.

Women's lib people feel
that he's the worst exploiter

of women in the whole country.

They're really against him, boy.

- What does he do?

- What does he do?

Well, look at his magazine,

full of nude pictures of girls,

just exploiting their bodies
and their pretty faces,

weird stories, off-color jokes.

And how about
that airplane of his?

The bunny, the big
bunny, that black airplane,

he's got nude girls
running around in there,

six or seven of them
to every passenger.

And that's not all.

How about that mansion
of his in Chicago?

Well that's a disgrace.

I don't blame women
for getting upset.

You ever see that mansion?

Why, you ought
to see that thing,

six or seven sexy
playmates in every room.

They've got

underwater swimming.
- Wait wait wait...

- Nude swimming in
the water - Hold it, hold it.

Where's this mansion?

- Chicago.

- Chicago, My kind
of town, Chicago is...

- While Dick's getting
his airline reservations,

it's time to look at women.

We appreciate you ladies

We respect your noble cause

Your noble cause

And we hope it makes you happy

Running around without your bras

Without your bras

Now little ladies,
here's our advice to you

Go back to thrumming,
and charming

Start feeding the
dogs Slopping the hogs

Bread baking Bed making

Start waxing the floors
Shining our drawers

Cause we're
superior You're inferior

You'll be cherry
of a new dead frog

Ladies, men are better than you

Except for mother

Ladies, men are better than you

- Why should I give my
secretary more opportunities?

She never gives me any.

- I believe a woman's
place is in the home.

At least it keeps
them off the streets.

(audience laughing)

- I, this, I (stuttering)

I've just had it.

I'm just fed up.

I'm just sick of
this, doing this,

I have do this menial,
crumby housework.

I don't like it, I just hate it.

That's it, I've just joined the
women's liberation, I have.

No woman should have to
do this sickening, crumby,

sickening, housework, no
woman should have to do,

cleaning and scrubbing,
no woman, any housework.

No, no for no woman.

- What do you want?

- I want a maid.

(audience laughing)

- I don't want any
part of the women's lib.

I enjoy being a sex symbol.

(audience laughing)

- With this new
women's liberation thing,

my wife demands that we
share our responsibilities.

She's had three kids in a row,

and now she says it's my turn.

- You've been
convicted of child neglect,

abandonment of children,

abuse of children,
and child mistreatment.

Six months.

- Your honor,
couldn't you let me off?

Just for the sake of the kids.

(audience laughing)

- All right,

stomachs in.

Chest out.

Okay, Cosgrove you
can step out of line.

(audience laughing)

and the rest of guys
are gonna keep doing it,

until you can do it like that.

- Mister Conway,
can I call you Tim?

- Mm, hmm.

- Are you in favor of the
women's liberation movement?

- Well, I was until my
wife burned her bra,

and it took us three days
to get the black smoke

out of the living room.

(audience laughing)

- With the increased pressure

for equal job opportunities
for both sexes,

the results have proven
to be a little different

from the daily grind.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

- Hi folks, welcome to the Roxy.

We got a jam-packed
show tonight.

In fact, I was just
backstage, packin' the jam.

(rim shot)

Zing 'em right in there.

I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathin'.

(rim shot)

Rather heavily.

Seriously folks,

we got comin' up on the bill,

Dick Boom Boom Latush.

Let's hear it.

He'll be out just as soon
as he can get his costume

out of the thimble.

(rim shot)

- You see that bald-headed
broad in the front row?

She's murder,
I'm not going' out.

- You've gotta kid.

- I can't go out.

- It's show biz, kid.

It's in your blood.

You gotta get out there kid.

- I just can't go on.
- It's full out.

Shape up.

- I can't go out.

Thanks, I needed that.

- Dick Boom Boom Latush.

(audience cheering)

- Hit it maestro.

(stripper music)

- Take it off.

- You really like him, huh?

- Oh, that's my
son, the stripper.

(audience laughing)

That's it, sonny.

- I mean, it's just awful
the way the world is today,

what with all the killing
and the wars and everything.

Two clubs.

- I know, you feel so helpless.

I mean, what can a
woman do about it?

Four diamonds.

- I was reading a book
recently, Liz Estrada.

It's about some women who
decided to do something about it.

One heart.

They told the men that
until they stopped the wars,

that there would be
no fooling around.

- You mean?

- Nothing.

- Not even a hug?

A little a good night smooch?

- Nothing.

No way, no how, no one,

nowhere, never, nothing.

- Oh, gosh, I mean
you know what?

That's really taking
things a little bit too far,

or to an extreme, you
know what I mean?

Eight spades.

Who wrote it?

- Some old Greek.

- Well, it's easy
for Maria Callas.

She's over 70.

(audience laughing)

She's loaded.

- Slap jack.

- Nope, you lose.

I got a pair.

Nine and ten.

- Beats me, I'm sitting
here with a hand full of aces.

(audience laughing)

- You men are all alike.

Just because your wife came
with you to the convention,

you complain that she's becoming

too masculine and aggressive.

Well, I think you're
being too hard on her,

and I mean to tell her so.

Now, where is she?

- She's in the men's room.

(audience laughing)

- Now, before we
end our look at women,

in the interest of fair play,

we shall hear a
statement in favor

of women's liberation
from a woman.

- I'm against it.

- You want to fight
against women's liberation?

- I'm ready to go all the way.

We must fight.

- Very well, now here to
speak for women's liberation

is Miss Susan Mengers.

(audience applauding)

- Hi guys.

- Hi Sue.

- Should I speak now?

- Go ahead.

- As you all probably know,

women today, intellectual women,

have been burning their
brassieres and girdles.

It's a symbol of our desire,

to move forward,

to be let loose and set free.

Thank you.

- Right on baby,
you tell 'em, ha ha.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- Huh.

- Isn't that kind of
a fast turnabout?

- Silver-Tongued little
devil had all the arguments.

(audience laughing)

- What arguments?

- Well, she said
women want to burn

their brassieres and girdles.

I'm ready to
support them on that.

- I see.

- And about woman
wanting to move forward,

I'm ready to meet them half way.

- You're not quite
convinced yet?

- No, the clincher was
the part about being

let loose and set free.

- You agree with that?

- Listen, any man who
doesn't want a lot of free women

running around loose,
is no friend of mine.

- What do you have?

- I guess I'll have
number three. (chuckling)

- Okay.

There's your number three sir.

- Oh, I thought
that came with chili.

(audience laughing)

- And now, we bring you
the high point of our show.

- Which of the Marx
Brothers do you think

had the craziest ideas?

- [Unknown Voiceover] Karl.

(audience laughing)

- This is the land
that Jack owned.

- This is the tree that
grew on the land...

- That Jack owned.

- This is the river
that watered the tree...

- That grew on the land...

- That Jack owned.

- This is the factory
that polluted the river...

- That watered the tree...

- That grew on the land...

- That Jack owned.

- Jack ate the fruit that
came from the tree...

- That was watered
by the river...

- That was polluted
by a factory...

- That stood on the land...

- That Jack owned.

- Here's the land
that Jack owns now.

- Do you know little Goldie,

I really don't think
you've changed

since winning the Academy Award.

- Oh, yes I have Carol.

- Have you?

- Yeah, that night I was
wearing a low-cut cocktail gown,

and my other sneakers.

(audience laughing)

(Mumbling)

- Hoorah.

(whacky music
playing) (gunshots)

- Miss?

I think I'll have a uh...
- Take a number.

- What?

- Take a number, take a number,

it's the rules, take a number.

- What do you
mean take a number?

There's nobody else in here.

- I don't care, take a
number, will you please?

- Okay, I've taken a number, 97.

- Okay, last call, number 22.

(audience laughing)

Okay, number 23.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Boy, I feel terrible.

I just finished trying
to teach my kids

to have more
respect for policemen,

and not refer to them as cops.

Now I hear 'em outside
playing pigs and robbers.

(audience laughing)

- I will never forget
that great day

when my daddy freed his slaves.

I think it was last Thursday.

(audience laughing)

- Well, Goldie?

- What?

- Have you missed us?

(Goldie laughing)

- You're not
supposed to say that.

- Well, have you missed us?

- No.

I can't understand why, I've
been gone the whole time.

(audience laughing)

So many things
have been happening

Since she went away

So in case you are wondering

She would like to say

- Ruthie?

- Hold it.

- Ruthie, I forgot.

- It hasn't been
that long, Goldie.

- I know.

- What's the news
across the nation?

We have got the
information to the right, right?

- Okay.

- Okay, hit it Ian.

And,

- We just saw...
- Hold it, Ian.

Goldie, what's the
news across the nation?

- Ian.

I'm sorry.

- That's okay, you got it now?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hit it Ian, and...

- La da de da.

- Hold it, hold
it, Ian, now wait.

(all talking at once)

(audience applauding)

- [Gary] It's time for
the six o'clock news,

with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.

And George Wallace in Harlem,

the Penn Central in bankruptcy,

Congress in session,

and Mary Lou
Thompson in trouble.

And now, here they are...

- Good evening, I'm Dan
Rowan filling in for Dick Martin.

- Good evening, he's Dan
Rowan filling in for Dick Martin,

and so am I.

(audience laughing)

And now, here's the news.

- This future news item,

January, 1977,
seven years from now.

The Nixon administration today,

officially went out of office.

When asked to comment, a
network news official stated,

well at least now we're not
going to have Spiro Agnew

to kick the press
around anymore.

- Dateline, Houston, Texas.

Astrodome officials
were concerned today,

when a stray cow wandered
into the playing surface,

and grazed for four hours
on the artificial plastic grass.

The cow's owner was
equally concerned,

when he milked her
the following morning,

and got four
quarts of Silly Putty.

(audience laughing)

- Now, for this
interesting note.

- Laaa.

- Here, with our
editorial, Miss Mona Blarit.

- Foreign imports are effecting
the economy of our country.

French fries, German
shepherds, Danish pastries,

Swiss cheese, Hungarian goulash.

Enough is enough.

Stop these foreign imports.

(audience laughing)

- For an opposing viewpoint,
here is Mister Yashuki Kuki.

(speaking in gibberish)

(speaking in gibberish)

(crying)

Fairbanks, Alaska.

The first Alaskan Rock
Festival was held this weekend

in Fairbanks, before
200,000 screaming fans.

However, the concert
was briefly interrupted

when a near-sighted Eskimo

accidentally
harpooned Mama Cass.

(audience laughing)

- Tragic news.

Dateline, Detroit.

Automobile manufacturers
received word today

from Latin American
revolutionaries

that they had
kidnapped Ralph Nader.

The ransom note stated

that if they did not receive
$3,000,0000 in cash

within 48 hours,

they would return Mister
Nader to this country, unharmed.

- And now for this
interesting note. (smirking)

Take it away, Goldie.

- Here with the
news of the future,

is the man with all the
news the future has to offer,

with the future, Dan Rowan
and the news of the future.

- Goldie, we don't
do that anymore.

- But I just did it.

The future news, I just did it.

- Well, don't do it again.

- Well all right,
then do it yourself.

- I don't do it anymore.

- Well, so what?

And anyway, don't do it again,

because they don't do
it anymore around here.

Shape up, fool.

(audience laughing)

- Here's an address
from our girl on the street.

- 1525 Blue Jay Way.

(audience laughing)

(women all talking at once)

(slap and scream)

- La da de da.

Latest, Laugh-In
gives you the news.

(scream)

- Isn't this a wonderful
country, Mister Conway,

where an average
boy with talent,

can work his way up to,
to his own television show

and have it cancelled,

and then get another
television show,

and have that cancelled,

and then go on to, get
even another television show

and finally achieve success?

- It is wonderful.

- Well then, why
don't you go and do it?

(audience laughing)

- I've hit bigger
women than you.

- Yech.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Goldie, you were really
great as the 'sock it to me' girl.

- No, Barbara, that
was Judy Carne.

- Oh yes, well,

you were really funny
as Gladys Olmsby.

- No, no Barbara,
that's Ruth Buzzi.

- Oh that's right.

How could I forget?

Well, you were really terrific

as Ernestine, the
telephone operator.

- Barbara, that
was Lilly Tomlin.

Not me.
- No wonder

you left the show, I mean,

they never gave
you anything to do.

(audience laughing)

- Well now boy, they really
come up with some real

crazy kooks, I mean, don't they?

- One ringy dingy.

Two ringy dingies.

A gracious good afternoon.

This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.

Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?

Miss West?

Miss Mae West?

Miss West, we have
a report filed with us,

that you are using
an instrument,

which you've completely
covered with cheap rhinestones.

Now Miss West,
you must understand,

that the telephone
company strictly prohibits

the unauthorized
modification of (phone ringing).

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

Miss West, your telephone.

Now, now, Miss West,

Miss West do you understand
that your telephone...?

Miss West, (buzz
buzz) is the property

of the telephone company.

Should you move, what on
Earth would we do with it?

Pardon?

Oh, Miss West, surely
you must be joking.

(audience laughing)

As a devoted employee
of the telephone company,

I wouldn't dream of
misusing (buzzing).

Hello, hello?

Hello?

- You know, little Goldie,

some people say
that we look alike.

- Well, I don't know
about you, but I look alike.

(audience laughing)

- You know, come
to think of it, she does.

(audience laughing)

- If I buy a maxi-dress,

will you wear at
my place tonight?

- No.

- Good, I'll buy one then.

(audience laughing)

- All right, let's
cheer it out there

for our little Edith Ann.

- You're Missus
Watson's dog, aren't you?

You know what?

I found those funny
sponges in my sister's drawer.

She don't think I know
what they are, but I do.

She sticks 'em
in her undershirts.

All they could do, is they
could make your front stick out,

and they get in the way
when you eat spaghetti.

(audience laughing)

And that's the truth.

(audience laughing)

It's sickening
but it's interesting.

- This season, I've
completely changed my image.

Now I'm debonair,
dynamic, an vibrant.

I'm no longer that mild,
shy, insecure person

that people never noticed.

No, sirree.

(audience laughing)

See what I mean?

- And now the four most people,

Aristotle and
Jackie, Liz and Dick.

Let's speed up to jet
set pace and join them

at this social high point.

- Bored.

- Bored.

- Bored.

- Bored.

- You know Aristotle,

I did the silliest thing, today.

I went all the way to Tiffany's,

and I forgot to take
my shopping bag.

- Well Jackie, you know
Liz and I have been busy too,

parties, traveling, shopping.

- Dicky's right.

I mean we just don't
find time to have fun.

- Wait a minute.

I tell you what, peoples,

this weekend, let's all
go forth to the countries.

- Fabulous.

Which country?

- Turkey.

- Chili.

- Greece.

- Great, just what
I brought for lunch.

(audience laughing)

- You know,
something's gotta be done

about these student radicals.

I mean, we've gotta clamp
down an all this campus violence.

- What are you talking about?

They're already too strict.

Why, I read in the
newspaper today,

that they kicked a kid
out of college for smoking.

- Yeah, but they
didn't do anything

to the guy who set him on fire.

(audience laughing)

I didn't know that.

(audience laughing)

- Easy baby.

Those are strong.

- You think these are strong?

At my last party I drank
six of these and nothin'.

Absolutely nothin'.

For three days, nothin'.

Until gradually, I was
able to move my fingers.

(audience laughing)

- Goldie, I've seen
all your movies.

- Well now I've only
made two movies.

I made Cactus Flower
and Girl in my Soup.

- Gee, they're the
only two I missed.

(audience laughing)

But I missed them three times.

Each.

(audience laughing)

- Now that little beauty
is a definite winner.

(audience laughing)

- May I see your
passport please?

Thank you.

Rocky Molinaro?

The famous boxer?

- Yeah that's right, I'm here
for my big championship fight.

- Oh, ah.

Well, in that case,
I'll just take a second

looking through your suitcase?

(smack)

Boy, you sure pack
a wallop, Rocky.

- Uh, Miss?

- Mm hmm.

Yeah.

- I'd like a number
four, please.

- We're out of number fours,
how about two number twos?

(audience laughing)

- Ooo ahh.

- Hi friends.

Busy Buzzi buzzing
around Tinseltown,

and have I got a scoop
for you, ha ha ha ha.

I can reliably report
without fear of contradiction

that Andy Williams
and Andre Previn

are living in separate
houses, ha ha ha ha.

Bye from Buzzi, ha ha.

Kissy kissy, ha ha.

- Is that true?

Boy, that's the scoop.

(upbeat jazzy rock music)

- You know Goldie...
- You guys have a band.

- Goldie, talking to you
has always caused me

a great deal of consternation.

- You know, I heard
bicarbonate of soda

is very good for that.

(audience laughing)

- Are you really Superman?

- Are you kidding?

I just mugged some
guy in a phone booth.

(audience laughing)

- I told our producer

that I could dance
at a moment's notice.

- Did he give you a moment?

- No, he gave me my notice.

(audience laughing)

- Goldie?

- Yes.

- You were in England recently?

- Yes I was.

- Did you see Tony Curtis

while you were there?
- Yes, I did.

Briefly.

- Did you?

- Yes.

You know what?

- No, I haven't any idea.

- I said hi.

- Oh.

- And he said, shhh.

(audience laughing)

- Miss West?

Miss West, this is Miss Tomlin
at your phone company again.

I think there must be
some trouble at your end.

Probably those
cheap rhinestones.

Now then, Miss West I'm afraid

we're going to have to
have our serviceman, Vito,

come out to your house and
disconnect that gaudy instrument.

Pardon?

Miss West?

I'm having difficulty
hearing you.

Are you holding (ringing)
in the proper manner?

You have it where?

In your bubble bath?

Miss West,

by the time Vito gets there
you'll probably be all pruny.

(audience laughing)

Hello?

Hello?

- Waa, waa, waa, waa.

- Well, it's time
for a few quickies.

- Good, I'll have mine on
ice, with a twist of lemon.

- I said, quickies, not rickeys.

- That's okay, I'll have
them both that way.

- Don't you ever get serious?

- Yeah once, but the
shot cleared it right up.

- Oh great.

Feel better now?

- Sure do, so does Audrey.

Incidentally, Audrey and
I went on a diet together.

- Oh, you on Doctor
Stillman's water diet?

- I didn't know Audrey
knew Doctor Stillman?

I hope it's not serious.

- Well, you better
get her a shot.

- A shot?

She can't drink whiskey.

She's on Doctor
Stillman's water diet.

- I didn't know she
knew Doctor Stillman?

Well I hope it's
nothing serious.

- If it is, I'll get her a shot.

- Now it's time
for the quickies.

- I'll take mine with
a twist of lemon.

- That's a rickey.

- I don't really care
about women's liberation.

- Me either,

I wouldn't want to be a priest.

- You're right,

I'd feel so silly
being called father.

(audience laughing)

- Then it's settled.

We knock off another
jewelry store in five minutes.

Now synchronize your watches.

- What does yours say?

Mine says twelve.

Those wedding
bells are breaking up

That old gang of mine

- That, is unbelievagogobugol.

What are you gonna do?

It happens, and
believe me I know.

Oh by the way,
tonight we are fortunate

the little tupperer has not been

tupetuppering around too much.

Boy, what a racket she makes.

(audience laughing)

- Sisters, I don't think
the Mother Superior

has any sense of humor.

She got mad at me, just
'cause I put a singles only sign

in front of the convent.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, so I killed a man,
you can't hang a guy for that.

- Wrong.

- Sisters Goldie, Nancy,
and I, are so naughty.

Sometimes when we're
really feeling mischievous,

we sneak out to a phone booth,

and make religious
calls to atheists.

(audience laughing)

- I don't see anything wrong

with teaching sex
education in schools.

I mean why shouldn't
the kids know everything

about the birds and
the bees and the stork?

- Here's to crime.

Okay, let's synchronize
our watches.

(audience laughing)

I think you two
better go get changed.

- Sister Mary Katherine
has found a non-violent way

to protest church policies.

She calls dial-a-prayer,
and hangs up on 'em.

(audience laughing)

- What are you doing?

- I'm counting the
leaves in this bush.

- Well, that looks
like a hard job.

- It's a living.

(audience laughing)

3,407.

- 426.

- Now you've got, now
I've gotta start from one.

(audience laughing)

- Joline, age hasn't
changed you a bit.

- Oh, you neither Audrey.

- Good to see you
looking so young.

- Oh, same as you Audrey.

(audience laughing)

- Well, those are our
quickies for tonight sir,

how did they suit you?

- Well it's not a bad fit,

just a little snug
through the inseams.

- No, I'm not talking
about your suit.

- Neither am I,
this is body paint.

- Body paint?

Who's your tailor, Earl Scheib?

- It's not bad for 29.95.

- This is special.

- Do you know
what I have to take

to get the trousers
off last night?

- What did you have to take?

- What?

- About an hour and a half.

- No, no, no.

No, you must be
serious with this.

- Turpentine?

- No, sand paper.

Now talk about
a quickie, oo hoo.

- Quickie.

(gunshots)

- Is the food as good
as it looks, here?

- No, the pictures were
taken when the food

was still very hot.

- And now, another episode
with the Farkel family,

entitled, Another Episode
with the Farkel Family.

We join them as we
hear Frank Farkel say...

- Hi, I'm Frank Farkel,

father and founder
of the Farkel family.

- I'm Fanny Farkel, who
fosters our flourishing family.

- I'm Smarty Farkel.

- I'm Artie Farkel.

- I'm Simon Farkel.

- I'm Gar Farkel.

- [Both] We are
Simon and Gar Farkel.

- And of course, her.

- Hi.

- And this is our dear friend

and trusted
neighbor, Ferd Verfel.

What's up, Ferd?

- Oh the usual.

By the way Frank, where's
your oldest offspring?

- Of course, our
oldest offspring,

how could I forget him?

- Not him, her.

You've got it backwards.

- Backward, my dear Fanny,

imagine, my dear
Fanny backwards.

- Sparkle Farkel, our oldest
who farred forth to Finland.

- Ah, Finland, I
flourished favorably

for a few fortnights in Finland.

- Well, Sparkle Farkel
footed to Finland

to found the Finnish
flounder fishery.

- Ah yes, the Finnish
fisher flounders.

- The Finnish flounder fishery,
you've got it turned around.

- Turned around my dear Fanny,

imagine my dear
Fanny turned around.

But just think, my dear
daughter in faraway Finland.

I shall never
forget her fare face

which forever fills me
with fatherly fondness.

Hark, who can that be?

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi, I'm your fare daughter
from faraway Finland,

whose fare face forever fills
you with fatherly fondness.

You remember me?

- No, can't say that I do.

- I'm Sparkle Farkel.

- Frank Farkel
here, my wife Fanny.

Fanny, Sparkle Farkel.

Flicker Farkel, Sparkle.

Artie, Sparkle Farkel.

Smarty Farkel, Sparkle.

Simon Farkel, Sparkle,
Gar Farkel, Sparkle.

Too and Ferd Verfel,
Spark, Verf, Verf Spark.

How's the Finnish
Flounder fishery?

- Finished.

- Fine.

- And I found the
finest fellow in Finland,

my favorite
fiance, Finn Finster.

I'll bring him in.

- Ah, Finland, I frolicked

a few frivolous
follies in Finland.

- [Sparkle] My favorite fiance,
Finn Finster from Finland.

- Fantastic, I find I
fizzled my fling in Finland.

- Ah Finland, I furthered a few

flippant fancies
in Finland myself.

- Forbid failing
to be fascinated

in our forthcoming feature,

when we will hear Frank
Farkel say to Ferd Verfel.

- That's a fine-looking
Finn you fizzled there Ferd.

- [Both] Farkels
of the world, unite.

Do the Farkel do the Farkel

Do the Farkel fancy Farkel

And we'll Fark Fark Fark
Fark Farkel daylight till dawn

(audience applauding)

- Well, next week
we're going to have

100 Judo-trained
lady litterbugs,

who will come out on stage

and throw each
other on the ground.

- You can't do that.

- Well, it's all right.

There are gonna be 99 policemen

pick 'em up and
toss 'em into the can.

- That leaves one odd girl.

- Well, who wants
to pick up an odd girl?

- An odd fellow?

- That would make
them an odd couple.

- Speaking of odd
couples, say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Do you realize that if
Abraham Lincoln were alive today,

they would have to tear
down the Lincoln Memorial?

(audience laughing)

- I just broke my
Spiro Agnew watch.

- [Unknown
Voiceover] No kidding?

- Yeah, but I'm
not worried about it.

- [Unknown Voiceover] Why?

- Because it's guaranteed
to run again in 1972.

(audience laughing)

- Wow, we're really
making progress.

Why in a few short years,

we've gotten the
riot out of the streets,

and into the classroom.

(audience laughing)

- Nowadays when a
student goes to see the Dean,

it's the Dean who worries
about what he did wrong.

- Scientists have just announced

that they have just
created a man-made gene.

- That's nothing, Dennis.

Johnny Cash made
a Boy Named Sue.

- I went out with a B
girl and she stung me.

- Hey, I asked my mother
they exact time I was born.

She said she was
so busy at the time,

she didn't have a chance
to look at her watch.

(audience laughing)

- My uncle bought an
Abby Hoffman watch.

Now the only thing
wrong with it is,

it keeps getting busted.

- Speak up boy.

Hey, do you suppose
the food served

at the White House is any good?

- Well, it must be,

all the construction
workers want to eat there.

- You know, I hired this
fantastic housekeeper.

She cooked, cleaned.

Hey, she's here now.

Anyway.

- We don't want
you to see that, folks.

(audience laughing)

Goldie?

- It's me again.

- Do you know, it was so great
having you on the show again.

- Did I know it already?

It was such fun to be here, too.

- Was it?

- Yeah, even though
we haven't finished.

(audience laughing)

and then if I got, you know,
this might be a hit, this show.

- Waa, waa.

- This show was prerecorded,

because our
post-recorder is in the shop.

- On your mark, get set, punt.

(gunshot)

Golly gosh, I just
shot Dom Deluise.

- Very interesting,
but not too nostalgic.

Talking of nostalgia,

there's someone
hanging around my bunker,

who reminds me of an old friend.

I knew it was you.

- Wolfgang, you don't
know me, I'm Goldie.

- Yes, I know you, I know you.

- I'm an old friend.

- Really?

You cute little
blonde bombshell you.

- You know what, Wolfgang?

- What?

- I never told you this
before, but I think you're cute.

Very cute, I like you.

- I like you too, Gilda.

- No, it's not Gilda, it's
Goldie, Goldie Hawn.

- Oh, Hawn?

Say, you know, I knew
your brother, Attila.

- Attila, was a Hun.

- Well, you're kind
of a sweetie, yourself.

Liebchen, we could make
such beautiful music, together.

See if you can sing this phrase.

(singing in German)

But my heart is promised
to another fraulein.

Auf wiedersehen, Shotsy.

I'm ducking out of my bush.
- Auf wiedersehen.

- You'd better grab the bush.

- Okay.

Oh well, who needs him?

I can say goodnight
just as good as he does.

Wolfgang.

Goodnight Lucy, goodnight Desi.

Goodbye Columbus.

Goodnight all you fans of
good, clean, wholesome fun.

And goodnight Mister President,

and you too, Missus Agnew.

(audience laughing)

- All right boys and girls,
this is your Uncle Gilly

tellin' yas to go to bed.

(one person clapping)