Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 26 - Episode #4.26 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in loving color on NBC.
- Cookie time.
It says,
you will soon meet a
man with a steady job
who will fall all
over you.
Oh, that's ridiculous, these
things never come true.
(glass shattering)
- Oh I don't even know
what I'm doing in here,
I'm not Chinese,
I feel like a fool.
- Alan, I've got a great idea
for a new television series.
It's about a guy from Burbank
who chases garbage trucks.
- Really what's it called?
- Well it's called a galloping
gourmet from Burbank.
What's with this guy?
- That is the worst
accent I've ever heard.
- Burbank has practically
no robberies but
then there's nothing
there to steal.
It's not like Washington.
Do you know they have
more hold ups in the senate
than anywhere else in the world?
America, America
- So I said to the papa bear,
somebody's been
sleeping in my bed.
And he punched me in the nose.
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National Boy Scout camp
rubs a couple of sticks together
in an effort to fire Rowen
and Martin's laugh in.
Starring the broad
shouldered Dan Rowen.
And the broad
minded, Dick Martin.
And Arty Johnson.
With Ruth Pruzzy, Alan Sous,
Lily Tomlin.
And Dennis Alan.
Johnny Brown.
Anne Elder.
And the ankles away
girl, Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens.
If each and every
one of you would send
just one dollar to
the Gary Owens
stamp out the common cold fund
I could go to Hawaii and
get rid of my common cold.
Thank you.
- A short time ago two
identical pieces of material
were stained with blank ink.
One we treated with Brand X,
the other we treated
with new Miracle Foon.
The sensational stain remover.
Then we placed them
both in this washer.
Now here is the one
treated with Brand X.
And here is the material
treated with Miracle Foon.
As you can plainly
see, the stain is gone.
- Daddy, Daddy, guess what?
- You only have one cavity?
- No, Daddy, that's not
it, our house is on fire.
(engine revving)
(upbeat whimsical music)
- What's the meow?
- You know some people
say that cats and dogs
don't get along.
- That's not true, so here's
something for you people
who are putting on the dog.
- Couple of great cats, Dan.
- And Dick, meow.
(applause)
- Tonight we have a show
that's coming on to you.
There he is.
Ed Dompty Dompuh.
Now why are you wearing
that ridiculous get up?
- I will give you one guess.
- Alright well.
You're a tire in the
case that you have
planned an excursion to
the domain of King Neptune
in search of underwater prey.
- Wrong, I'm going fishing.
- I should've known.
Which denizens of
the deep are you after?
- Well you've heard
of the killer whale
and the man eating shark,
well I'm after the most
dangerous fish of them all.
It weighs 1,000 pounds
and has long teeth.
- And what do you call it?
- Sir.
- Right.
You know, I don't think you
have ever even been fishing.
- That's not true, only
last week I went down
to the Colorado River.
- Oh really, fly fishing?
- No I was trout fishing,
you don't fish for flies,
you swat them.
- But let me ask
about your equipment.
Hey, suppose you're
gonna go fishing for bass.
- Right.
- What kind of line do you use?
- Well I usually use a hey baby,
you wanna step out
for a little bird fish?
- That's what I thought, you
never caught anything did ya?
- Four flounders and
a lady game warden.
- Now what's four flounders
doing with a lady game warden?
- Well a lot of this.
- Why ask him?
- Kinda sorry I asked about it.
How do you know she
was a game warden?
- Well I think so,
she said I was,
she was game if I was.
- Let's get back to fishing.
Hey what's the biggest
fish you ever caught?
- A 400 pound anchovy.
- A 400 pound anchovy?
- Right, now if I could
just find a 75 foot pizza,
mama mia, that's a some
spicy niece a nicey noosy.
- Now let's just find
a way to the party.
- I shot a fish.
- I think the courts
are far too lenient.
Yesterday they arrested
a skinny, topless dancer
and the judge dismissed the
case for insufficient evidence.
- You know in my own
neighborhood we used
to play King of the Mountain.
The only thing is the other
kids would get to be the king
and I would always
get to be the mountain.
(classical music)
- I don't go along
with the braless fad.
I won't lower my
standards for anyone.
(classical music)
- I had to break up a
wild party last night,
breaking, dancing and noise.
I had to throw five people in
jail for disturbing the peace.
That's the last time I
go to a policeman's ball.
(classical music)
- Dan.
- Anne.
- You know what?
The Russians say they now
have a supersonic transport
that will get you anywhere
in the world in two hours.
- Right, no matter where
you are in the world,
within two hours
they'll get you.
(classical music)
- I've been working
on a pilot for NBC.
- Oh that's nothing.
I've been working
on a pilot for TWA.
(classical music)
- I had a very
strange case today.
A patient came into
my office and insisted
he was a football.
- What did you do?
- I kicked him.
(classical music)
- Hi, Boomer here.
At the club this week
I've got a special price
on lessons for ladies.
$14 an hour.
20 if it includes tennis.
(classical music)
- Hard as a rock.
Tell me Tootsie, do
you believe in good will?
- Well of course.
- Well I thought that's
where you got your clothes.
(laughing) (classical music)
- Then everybody was
waiting around to hear
what Dan was going to say.
- There's a war in Vietnam.
Don't spread it around.
(classical music)
- Hey would you like to
come up to my apartment
after the party and
fix me some eggs?
- Wait a minute.
Don't you generally
have eggs for breakfast?
- Thank you.
(classical music)
(applause)
- [Narrator] And now
for a visit with those
people who lived in the
big white house on the hill.
- You know, you must
have a talk with David.
- David who?
- You know, Julie's David.
- Julie, oh yes,
Julie and David.
What seems to be the problem?
- Well, David has been
using such language
and I frankly don't know
where he's hearing it.
- Well I'd like you to
make this perfectly clear.
What did he say?
- Well, this morning he was
walking through the house
and he stubbed his toe.
And said, gee wiz.
- Oh my gosh.
- So that's where he's
getting it Mr. President.
- My dear there's no
reason to be formal.
You may call me Mr. Nixon.
- Thank you, sir.
- Wolfgang.
- Yeah?
- Have you noticed
that the president's
principle advisors all
have German names?
- Yeah.
- Do you know what they are?
- No, tell me.
- Kissinger Holdiman
Elmenschwartz.
- Yeah that's so if
anything goes wrong
all he's gotta do is say,
don't blame me, after all I
was just following advice.
(laughing)
- Wolfgang.
Do you remember I wonder
who's kissing her now.
- Oh you corn ball
that was a goody.
Boy oh boy and today
everybody's singing.
Oh there's Holdiman
Kissinger Elmenschwartz
And Wineberger Finchen - Finch?
- Finch.
- Finch?
- You know something?
- What's that?
- We're running out of German's.
- That was our problem too.
- Did you get the brown
shoes with the purple robe?
- She's great at charades.
- She is such a great player.
- 10 words.
- 10 words.
- One word, first word.
- First word.
- There, there.
- Here, here.
- There, look below you.
- Look out.
- She's getting excitement.
- No, no, no one over there.
- Monkey, no monkey.
- Cheetah, cheetah, cheetah.
My cheek hurts.
Look over there,
over there, there.
- There he is.
- What is it?
- There's a tavern in the town.
Over there, there's
a tavern over there.
Look me over.
I got my eyes on you.
Look, there's a blue bird.
- There's a monster
behind the couch.
- Right.
Now it's your turn.
- Okay.
- First word.
First word is big, big fish.
- So hey, hey.
Since when have you
begun to wear glasses?
- Well I've had to
effect this disguise
in order to mislead all those
who suspect who I really am.
- Well you're Dick Martin.
- You think all I am is
mild mannered Dick Martin.
Hysterical jokester for a
great metropolitan TV show.
Not all of those are naive as
you my hair suit companion.
- Is that so?
Well then mister smarty eyes.
Who are you?
- Well perhaps this will
reveal my true identity.
- You're harry.
- What happened to my outfit?
Anybody seen a blue polo
shirt with a red S on the chest?
A long red cape made
of indestructible material?
I hope nobody tears
it, it tears easily.
- Does it?
This is ridiculous.
- Well it may be
ridiculous to you but I'm
standing here
without my polo shirt.
- You know that
kind of points our mod
world subject for tonight.
- Our mod world
about my polo shirt?
- No.
Well partly yes.
Tonight, Laugh-In takes
a look at the strange
and idiosyncratic behavior
of the people who populate
the coo coo world around us.
- Good, I'll use
my X-ray vision.
- Good.
Give me a C, give me
a O, give me a C-O-O.
Give me a coo, give me a
coo, give me a coo coo coo.
Coo coo racha, coo
coo racha, coo coo coo.
Gotcha.
- Speaking of coo coo's.
When I walk along
on a crowded street
I'm a very friendly
lady to the man I meet
I'm a jolly cop
when I walk my feet
'cause I think if I should
always try to beat discrete
Conscious cop Dedicated dame
Have you noticed that our
work is quite a bit the same?
Always get your man
is the common name
In this coo coo Laugh-In world
In this golly garsh
And jolly wacker
Sparkle family Fickle finger
Coo coo Laugh-In World
(applause)
- Hello lousy human.
We like to present the
greatest arm wrestler
the world's ever known.
Here on stage is
Mr. Postle Crechity.
Postle.
Very funny, dude, really?
You just great.
- A little dab will do ya.
- But two will put you away.
- Convicts.
- President Nixon
has been trying to get.
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
- President Nixon has
been trying to get a list
of the total number of.
(laughing)
- Is that good enough?
(jolly music)
(gun firing)
(tires screeching)
(gun firing)
- Holline Roderick here
talking to the King family.
Please excuse me
sir but I'd like to know
What you think of
all the painted ladies
On the show
I'm impervious to the parkachude
And the over powering
presence of the neo nude
Then you think it's wrong?
No I think it's fine
If you get the pizza
mamma, I will pour the wine
It's a shocking
thing It's a valentine
It's a coo coo Laugh-In world
It's a dolly gosh Jolly wacker
Fockle family Fickle finger
Coo coo Laugh-In World
- I'll see you at
the bowling booth.
- Aye Captain.
I caught this slimy binge rat
in the whisky supply
for the fifth time.
- String him up by his thumbs.
- Oh no, not again.
- Oh do I hate being an Arab.
It's nearly noon.
- We better pray.
Which way is east?
- I'm all blown up on dates.
Do the farko, do the farko
Mr. President
you're a clever man
When you try to sock it
to us every way you can
Always using words
I don't understand
Still I keep my flag
unfurled, two, three
And this downtown
Burbank wingy dingy
That's the truth, Spiro
Agnew, coo coo Laugh-In
World
- The big cities
need more parks.
Any many cities there
are three couples to a bush.
- That calls for
another drinky poo.
- Thank you.
(phone ringing)
- Yes, Governor?
Okay.
- Who was it?
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Uh huh.
Oh, really?
- Really?
- Oh.
Well good, I'll
talk to you later.
That was the Governor.
- Really?
(phone ringing)
- Yes?
Oh yes Governor.
Oh, oh thank you Governor.
- What'd he say?
- Oh have I got a big.
(laughing)
- [Man] I'll get that.
(laughing)
- Woo.
Hiya Boomer boy Hi Lula ma'am
Have you ever seen a
lady built the way I am?
You're in groovy
shape Hard as a rock
Come on, I dare ya
Give my gut a sock
No I'd better not
'cause I'm awful strong
I've been lobbing balls and
playing tennis all day long
You're a dingaling
That's my favorite song
Go on baby give
the ol' popo a pat
You're a little prude
It's a downtown
Burbank Spiro Agnew
That's the truth ringy dingy
coo coo Laugh-In world
(laughing)
- You call em' penta
shorts, I call em' hot pants.
(laughing)
- Do you spray when you talk.
- This is the city.
Los Angeles, California.
My name's Peaches.
I'm a fuzz.
Warning, be on the lookout
for a body of noxious fumes.
Fumes.
(laughing)
This is the city.
Los Angeles, California.
(laughing)
(laughing)
I don't know, I'm sorry,
really this is embarrassing.
This is the city.
- Hold on, someones tack.
- In closing,
I'd like to coin the new phrase.
On closing, I'd like
to coin a new phrase.
Never take a wooden
dollar, thank you.
Don't you push me.
- I'm sorry.
Well you have to take
that over that's really lousy.
- In closing, I'd like
to coin a new phrase,
never take the wooden
dollar, thank you.
- I wouldn't give you.
- Well that's our mod
world, how did you like it, sir?
- I'll never answer
your questions, Dr. Evil.
- Dr. Evil? Who's Dr. Evil?
- My lips are sealed,
do whatever your
twisted mind dictates.
Nothing you and your kind
will ever break my iron will.
- Dick for Pete sake.
- I'll talk, I'll talk, I can't
stand it anymore, you beast!
- I thought you
would never crack.
Now tell me, what did
you think of our mod world?
And the coo coo world around us?
- Sounds like a job
for, Superhuman.
- Oh for.
(glasses rattling)
Missed by that much.
Let the water flow,
let the trap door spring
Let the jolly wackos
gettos get the meaner thing
Let the walls fall down
We will always sing
It's a golly goshin'
jolly whacker
Fockle family, fickle finger
coo coo Laugh-In world
It's a downtown
Burbank Spiro Agnew
That's the truth wingy
dingy coo coo Laugh-In world
(applause)
- Have you heard about the
Hollywood marriage cocktail?
You gotta have at least six.
- The jolly green
giant cocktail.
One drink and you'll
end up in the can.
- The Walter Hickle, one
drink and you tell the truth
so you get fired.
- Santa Barbara cocktail.
One drink and you're well oiled.
- The other Walter
Hickle cocktail.
Two drinks and you
go from the interior
to the exterior.
- There's a 747 cocktail.
No matter how many you drink,
you're never more
than half loaded.
- The King Kong cocktail.
One drink and you go ape.
- The Lassie cocktail.
One drink and you're
man's best friend.
- The Georgia Gessel cocktail,
you drink two and you date a
girl 50 years younger than you
but you can't remember why.
- There's the Twiggy cocktail.
Two drinks and
you can't tell whether
you're coming or going.
- Then there's the
Quasimodo cocktail,
two drinks and
you're a humpback.
- Then there's the
Christine Jorgenson cocktail,
one drink and you
don't feel a thing.
- Then there's the NBC cocktail,
two drinks and you're canceled.
- I'm only deliberating
vicissitudes
and the continuum of
our temporal paragrantions
and they're insidious to them
is the inexorable, intrandencous
of the station break.
And you know, I
understood all them words
except the last two.
- Be listening next week
when Dick Martin will explain
how to make martinis
out of leftovers.
(upbeat jolly music)
- I'll see ya.
- Mrs. Spilky, Mrs. Spilky.
Please, don't worry.
We sent for a psychiatrist
to talk to your husband
out of committing suicide.
Here he is.
Boy.
- Now what seems
to be the trouble?
- He's gonna jump.
- Oh well modern
psychiatry can help deal with
problems like this, watch.
Hey.
Stupid, get in here.
- No, I lost my
little cat, Tink.
I'm going to jump.
I'm going to jump,
leave me alone.
- Well you heard him,
he lost his cat Tink
so let's get out of here.
- Doctor, you can't
leave just like that.
- Oh that's right, that'll
be $50 in advance.
- Oh please, help him, help him.
- Okay.
Hi Sailor, you
leave around here?
- I hit my head on the stump
and I've got a rotissomat.
I'm going to jump.
- It's a simple case
of reverse psychology.
I'll have him off that
ledge in just a minute.
- Oh, good.
- Go ahead, jump.
Go ahead.
(shouting)
See what I told you?
It only took a minute.
- I'm so depressed,
yesterday my psychiatrist
told me to call a dial-a-prayer.
- See, this is a pooty catcher.
You can catch pooty's with it.
Or you could catch a
jelly bean and you could
hide it for a secret.
Or you could sneak in
the kitchen and you could
put it in the cabbage.
And tell everybody,
it's a secret ingredient.
And then when they get sick
you say it was a accident.
And that's the truth.
- Recently President
Nixon indicated that he was
not completely satisfied
with his first two years
of being in office.
There's no truth to the
rumor that this marked
the first time
there was uninevity
of opinion in the country.
- The economy is so
bad nowadays that people
on welfare are considered
upper middle class.
America, America
Stop the music What is the news?
Such a catastrophe,
what is the news?
I think someone
is giving the fizz
Call up Mrs. Callaban
wherever she is
Revolt in development
Ain't got no news
Shut up, get out
Get me some news
Let me hear that
band Play the cord
All I want is hacha
sitcha Ladda dida
Ladies and gents
Give me notes
that there's no news
- Here's Dick and Dan in person.
- [Narrator] And now
for the Laugh-In news
with Richard Santa
from the move, West
Germany on the mic.
PF 1-11 on the crown,
Timothy Leary on the grass,
Queen Elizabeth on the throne.
- And this is Dan Rowan
in Holland for arrest.
- And this is Dick Martin
in Denmark for a change.
- 1973, President
George McGovern
holding true to his
1971 campaign promise,
completely withdrew
everyone from southeast Asia.
Now he has to find
housing for the 370
million Asians who
are currently waiting
at the bus depot in San Diego.
- Burbank, California.
By removing the basement
window thieves today
made off with Burbank Art
Museum's most valuable possession.
The basement window.
- Well it certainly
was worth waiting for,
I'll tell you that, news
with the future New York.
Black Panther leader
Eldridge Cleaver
was finally returned
to the United States,
today concluding a seven
year, two and a half million dollar
effort by the government.
Mr. Cleaver was immediately
placed on an airplane
and sent out of the
country as an undesirable.
- Date line Vatican, 1975.
Following the
unprecedented success
of the television special,
a tour of the Vatican
Conducted by the Pope,
a denial was issued
today that a sequel
is now being planned.
- On the brighter side, the
denial stated that there is
no truth to the rumor.
That the program will open
with the precision dancing
of the sister Mary
June Taylor Nunetz.
Followed by the
comedy of Joey Bishop
with musical numbers
performed by Peter Paul and Mary.
And Ed Sullivan introducing
the starting back field
from the College of Cardinals.
- They further dispelled
rumors that the show would close
with the mystery monsenior
hitting the center of the week
with a bucket of
non-denominational water as he said,
good night and God bless.
- However the Vatican
did not deny that as
planned that any Catholic
who misses the show
will have to watch 10
reruns of Danny Thomas.
- And now these
important words from
the American
Medical Association.
- Whoops.
- Now here's the
news of the day.
- Dennis Day had a good day.
Dorris Day had a good night.
And Rose O'Day has a
good time day and night.
- Take you back to that
famous moment in history
with Alexander Graham Bell.
- Alexander, will you
stop fiddling with that thing
and have something to eat.
- Just one moment Sir Malky.
There.
I almost got it.
I've got it.
- Now will you eat?
- Yeah.
Hello?
Chicken Delight?
I'd to place an order.
- Here's something straight
from the horses mouth.
(neighing)
- Now for this final note.
(Oprah singing)
Chachicha, no lada
ditata Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at our news
- Get off.
- Get off.
(applause)
- Fruit Salad.
A trilogy by Berneace Pestnor.
Grab across the orchard tree.
Squeeze it once or twice.
Make sure the grublies
don't dribble down
your normalas because it'll
eat a hole in your trimplee.
After you've crossed
them and made a soil
and held its hand
with threatening file.
Don't trussle, don't step.
Don't garble off of thiblalayos.
Or you'll be forced
to sit on a grape fruit.
- Hey Hardy, you
really must be looking
forward to Thursday night.
- Right, the night
of your special, huh?
Tell us about it.
- Well it's my first special,
I'm very exciting about it.
It's on NBC on March
18th and the guest stars
are Ben Crosby, Elke
Sommer, Billy De Wolfe,
Joe Flynn, Nancy Culk.
- Elke Sommer you say?
- Yeah that's right it's
called very interesting.
- She certainly is.
- Hey, hey Dick, there's
a lot of other things
in this special like his
own lovable characters,
Wolfgang, Tyrone
is gonna be there.
- Yeah we had a
very good time doing it
but it's sort of a
fun show, it really is.
- Elke Sommer you say, huh?
- Sounds like a great night.
Don't forget to watch, folks.
NBC Thursday night for
Arty Johnson's special,
Very Interesting.
- Elke Sommer you say, huh?
- Thanks, Dan.
- You bet.
(classical music)
- Get that man to sick bay.
Now hear this.
All hands on deck, Admiral
Ferroget Wright speaking
better known as far right.
I'm here tonight
to talk to you about
my kid brother, Bull.
You all know him
as General Bullright,
he's been coming on
this ready clip program
for a long time spouting
his left wing philosophy,
now it's time you
heard the right story.
Pay attention or I'll lay
one across your bowel.
Bull's okay in his way,
when we were kids
he was known as just
plain Bull and he hasn't
changed a great deal
over the years, still a softy.
Don't get me wrong,
there's a place in this
country for liberals.
The Navy Brig at Quonset Point.
Like any tight ship, America
needs a clean sweep
down before and after, the
trouble is too many American's
don't know their
fore from their aft.
Okay.
The smoking lamp
is lit, look out so loft
double ration of
rump royal hands.
Now remember,
don't drag your anchor.
Pipe down, Somewaldt.
(classical music)
- Excuse me.
Are you Mr. Travyacious,
the NBC censor?
- You bet your (bleep) I am.
- I'm Florence Lawrence
and I'm applying
for the job as secretary.
- Oh yes, the girl the
agency is sending over.
My last girl Ms. Pronagus
had to quit because she became
you know (bleep).
- You mean pregnant?
- Oh Ms. Lawrence.
How dare you use that
word in mixed company.
You should go wash your
mouth out with (bleep).
Now please, I'm in a hurry.
- Oh yes sir, I guess
with her leaving you've
gotten a little behind.
- What?
A little behind?
Now, you watch
your tone in this office.
If you wanna work here as a
moral watch dog for the public.
- You're right, I'm
sorry sir, I'm sorry.
- Now then, now let me
show you what we do.
Now, in this script we
must cut the word love.
- Well but love
is a lovely word.
What is the matter
with the word love?
- Ms. Lawrence.
Love is a four letter word.
No four letter words
on this network.
Here, look at this.
In the court room scene
which is in the script
and I happen to have a
card here with the word on it,
the lawyer uses
the word intimate.
- Intimate? But the
lawyer used the word.
- That's right, not
on this network.
It has the word, mate, M-A-T-E.
- Oh could you just cut
for at least a minute short?
- Well don't worry, we can
throw in a laxative commercial.
- Oh sir, you have
taught me so much.
You're a shining example
of everything that's good.
And I will do my best to
live up to your expectations.
- Welcome to the team.
- Oh thank you.
- Hi little pookey,
tookie, snookie wookums.
Alright well pooky, let's go.
- Here now you look this
over, this is tomorrows script.
- Well where are you
going Mr. Travyacious?
- To do a little
research, Ms. Lawrence,
a censorious job isn't all fun.
Come along.
- Now let's see.
Mother goose.
- Hey let's sneak a peek
at the quickies, folks.
- I can't.
- I can see you can't.
- I can't see you
can see I can't.
- May I ask what is
that over your eyes?
- Yes.
- Okay, what is
that over your eyes?
- Well they're doing a story
on me in Confidential magazine.
- Oh well in that
case you can listen
while we watch the quickies.
(cheering)
- Open up in the
name of the law.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, what do you want?
- You called about a man
climbing in your bedroom window?
- Yeah.
What took you so long?
The last one I called last week.
(cheering)
- Kiss me and I will
become a handsome prince.
- It didn't work.
- I know but you wouldn't
believe how much
action I get with that line.
- Alright your parents has
finally come through Steven,
you're free to leave now.
- Well wouldn't you know it.
Just when I was getting the
place to look like something.
(cheering)
- Alright, what am I
bid for this bridge table?
- One club.
- Up.
- That table's been
in the family for years.
- Heirloom.
- She was born on that table.
- [Producer] Let me have
that go to laugh of yours.
- I cannot just summon it up.
I cannot do a genuine
sounding laugh on queue.
I am a sensitive artist.
I'm not just a machine.
I'm not something you
can just turn the handle
and grind it out.
Something has to
happen that's real,
it has to, something has
to evoke merth and joy
from inside me.
You must say something
that makes me laugh.
- Bolinda either you
laugh or you're fired.
(laughing)
Rolling.
- How long you in for?
- 99 years.
- That's not so bad,
could've been life.
(bricks tumbling)
(cheering)
(water splashing)
(keys loudly stroking)
(cheering)
- Well Dick, how did
you like the quickies?
- Pretty good except in one.
I couldn't tell by the
sound what was going on.
- Which one was that?
- Well it sounded like
it was either a walrus
running along wet rocks.
Or Mamma Cass
getting a rub down.
(classical music)
- Thank you, Gregory.
Good evening, this
is Amy Vanderguilt.
And I have a few precious
words on etiquette.
Now,
most often many of us
are faced with the problems
of how to eat certain foods.
For example, the
delicious Italian delicacy,
the pizza.
Now, you ask, should it be eaten
with a knife and fork
and I say Horus no.
The delicious pizza
is a finger food.
Now, you take the
tempting morsel thusly.
Some of you eat it
from the inner edge out
and others eat it
from the outer edge in.
But I advocate darlings,
getting right to the
heart of the matter.
- You're in good
voice and now it's time
for Laugh-In's famous flying
fickled finger fate award.
- And once again the
winner in Washington is
the Pentagon.
- Yes, sir.
According to articles
in the Washington Post
and the Los Angeles Times,
it seems our five
sighted fumble factory
was recently delighted
to discover 5,000 tanks
it didn't even know existed.
They found them in West
Germany where for years
they've been
assigned as reserves
for the Nato Tank Force.
- Now these tanks from
Britain and West Germany
as well as the United
States are worth
several billion dollars.
- Billion dollars.
- Billion.
And one would think
they'd be carefully hidden.
- One would be wrong,
they're parked on sprew roads
along West Germany's auto bon,
visible from the air
and vulnerable to attack.
- An unnamed spokesman
for the Pentagon
did not confirm or
deny the existence
of the 5,000 extra tanks.
- However, he did say
that the statement that
the Pentagon didn't know
about the 5,000 tanks was bunk.
How's that for logic?
- So to the strange of
tanks for the memory.
Here's our fickle finger
with a string around it.
- That's right, please
be more careful.
As the old saying goes,
that's all the tanks you get.
- And as a reminder, some
other things you better watch for.
- Like a plane.
A boat.
A tank.
And some tax dollars.
- You've been losing
a lot of those lately too.
- I'm Susie Sorority
from the Silent Majority.
And if you can hear me,
I'll shout a little louder.
I'm Susie Sorority
from the Silent Majority.
Daddy says there's a new
definition of deficit spending.
It goes like this.
If you ain't got it, loan it.
Brah.
- On the Oregon's tonight,
there's a man of
outstanding qualities.
A man we all know and
love, Mervin the Magnificent,
stand up Mervin.
- Mervin, that was stupid.
- Stick em' up.
- Oh father.
I can't stand it.
Think they're gonna
hit me for this?
It's a lot of hard work.
- I was so
embarrassed yesterday.
I was suppose to put my
hand prints in the cement
in front of Gromand's
Chinese Theater.
But by the time I was
able to kneel down
the cement had hardened.
Of course.
God speed.
Balding.
I'm gonna throw up.
- Take five.
Minnesota fat story.
Queue the queue.
- The popularity of
ethnic put down jokes
depends on which ethnic
group is unpopular at the time.
Here's the joke that's
been told about every
minority at one time or another.
Ruth, do you know
why a certain minority
can't swim in Lake Erie?
- No, why?
- Because they
leave a ring around it.
But, today you
can't do that joke.
- Because you can't
do minority jokes today.
- No, because you
can't swim in Lake Erie.
(laughing)
- Hello.
My name is Les Fogal.
Me bringy shirt in last week.
Did you
clean?
Clean, me take home.
- One moment sir, if I may.
It is entirely unnecessary
for you to communicate
with me in such a
primitive fashion.
I am fully aware of the
morays and speech patterns.
Now then sir, do you have
receipt for said garment?
- No I, seem to
have left it at home.
- Oh.
Well in that case sir,
it behooves me
to inform you that.
No ticky, no shirty.
- And now it's really
time for a drinky poo.
Here's the Swizzelers.
- Hey Dorris.
- Yeah?
- Do you know Tony's push cart?
- No, how does it go?
- It doesn't, you gotta push it.
- You're so funny.
You're better than my pickle.
- Hey.
You know I think I have
had too much to drink.
I think I'm going to pass out.
- Oh well you go
right ahead, Leonard.
I'll catch up with you later.
- Okay.
- Very interesting.
But where is that no good
private first class Wolfgang?
I thought we were the private
fleet on third class schnapps.
- I'll have the same.
- Look at this dill pickle.
- Why do you say that, Sailor?
- 'Cause you're a pickle.
- Look, look.
- You're ruining the
bush, dumb dumb.
- Of all things for
you to grow a beard.
- What else should I grow?
- You should grow another foot.
- I can't grow another
foot, I'd have three feet.
- You'd still be too short.
- You're no lady, you.
- Who's no lady who?
I'm a lady who.
In fact, I'm a lady who.
I'm a lady who, I'm a lady.
(yodeling)
- With all yodelahee whoing,
you outta climb an alp.
- I don't need to climb an alp.
I'm already higher than that.
- Boiling bratwurst.
- Don't forget some
cheese and crackers
and muskitild to
go with it for me.
You don't mind if I
have a little nip do ya?
- That's no way to
talk about your life.
- They just hit on a safe
way to hold the 1972
democratic national
convention in secrecy.
(explosions)
- Well Dick it's time
to say goodnight.
- Is it?
- Well you know it's
funny, I was just thinking
about this new
poker game I learned,
it's called fire island feral.
- Fire island feral?
- Yeah, all the queens are wild.
- Is it?
- Silliest game I ever heard of.
- Maybe but the stakes are high,
$500 a hand.
- Wow, those are high
stakes, how 'bout the ante?
- Well now she's just
fine and that's nice
of you to ask.
She especially
wanted me to tell you
about the time she was
trapped in the senate
without a quarum
during William Proxmire's
filibuster against the SST.
- I really don't want
to hear anymore.
- No that's what
President Nixon said.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Well okay but I
think it's more polite to
call him Mr. President.
- Not the President, you.
You yo-yo you.
(yodeling)
- Turkey?
You know I went to my first
Weight Watchers meeting
and they divided
us into three groups.
Unfortunately, I
was the first group.
- Hey everybody in
America is very proud
of our achievements on the moon.
Now if we could just be
proud of our achievements
on this planet.
- That calls for
a little drinky poo.
- Sully, do you know how to
make a Micky Mouse watch?
- No, how do you make
a Micky Mouse watch?
- Well you take off
Mini Mouses clothing.
- When an Eskimo gets
a sex change operation,
don't they call it a nose job?
(laughing)
- That was terrific.
- Barbara, shut this, close up.
- No I'm Barbara Sherma.
- You darn right you are.
- Alan did you know?
- Yes.
- Telusena Track had very
little money while he was alive.
- Come to think of it I
remember he always
was being a little short.
And now kids,
here is Dan Royland,
you're on big boy.
- Dan who?
- Dan, Royland.
- By god, just hold it now.
My doctor says his
patients health is more
important than money
so how come he scribbles
his prescriptions and
types out his bills?
- Oh Jenum's, I think
I lost my green thumb.
Last week I planted a rock
garden and all my rocks died.
- D, did you hear
about my uncle who lost
his job as a prune juice tester?
- No, what happened?
- Well they finally
had to let him go.
- Oh.
- Oh kids, kids
you gotta hear this.
You know for years, for
years I thought I hated tea.
I was gonna die.
But I just found out I've
been put in the wrong
end of the string.
It's water.
- You know of course John
Wayne is super patriotic,
wouldn't you be if you won
the second World War 118 times
all by yourself,
single handedly.
- A friend of mine ran away
from George Wallace's house,
he refused to be
an Uncle Tomcat.
(upbeat classical music)
- Mr. President, every
night I go to bed in California
safe in the knowledge
that you are there,
3,000 miles away.
(classical music)
(blimp buzzing)
program is brought to you
in loving color on NBC.
- Cookie time.
It says,
you will soon meet a
man with a steady job
who will fall all
over you.
Oh, that's ridiculous, these
things never come true.
(glass shattering)
- Oh I don't even know
what I'm doing in here,
I'm not Chinese,
I feel like a fool.
- Alan, I've got a great idea
for a new television series.
It's about a guy from Burbank
who chases garbage trucks.
- Really what's it called?
- Well it's called a galloping
gourmet from Burbank.
What's with this guy?
- That is the worst
accent I've ever heard.
- Burbank has practically
no robberies but
then there's nothing
there to steal.
It's not like Washington.
Do you know they have
more hold ups in the senate
than anywhere else in the world?
America, America
- So I said to the papa bear,
somebody's been
sleeping in my bed.
And he punched me in the nose.
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National Boy Scout camp
rubs a couple of sticks together
in an effort to fire Rowen
and Martin's laugh in.
Starring the broad
shouldered Dan Rowen.
And the broad
minded, Dick Martin.
And Arty Johnson.
With Ruth Pruzzy, Alan Sous,
Lily Tomlin.
And Dennis Alan.
Johnny Brown.
Anne Elder.
And the ankles away
girl, Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens.
If each and every
one of you would send
just one dollar to
the Gary Owens
stamp out the common cold fund
I could go to Hawaii and
get rid of my common cold.
Thank you.
- A short time ago two
identical pieces of material
were stained with blank ink.
One we treated with Brand X,
the other we treated
with new Miracle Foon.
The sensational stain remover.
Then we placed them
both in this washer.
Now here is the one
treated with Brand X.
And here is the material
treated with Miracle Foon.
As you can plainly
see, the stain is gone.
- Daddy, Daddy, guess what?
- You only have one cavity?
- No, Daddy, that's not
it, our house is on fire.
(engine revving)
(upbeat whimsical music)
- What's the meow?
- You know some people
say that cats and dogs
don't get along.
- That's not true, so here's
something for you people
who are putting on the dog.
- Couple of great cats, Dan.
- And Dick, meow.
(applause)
- Tonight we have a show
that's coming on to you.
There he is.
Ed Dompty Dompuh.
Now why are you wearing
that ridiculous get up?
- I will give you one guess.
- Alright well.
You're a tire in the
case that you have
planned an excursion to
the domain of King Neptune
in search of underwater prey.
- Wrong, I'm going fishing.
- I should've known.
Which denizens of
the deep are you after?
- Well you've heard
of the killer whale
and the man eating shark,
well I'm after the most
dangerous fish of them all.
It weighs 1,000 pounds
and has long teeth.
- And what do you call it?
- Sir.
- Right.
You know, I don't think you
have ever even been fishing.
- That's not true, only
last week I went down
to the Colorado River.
- Oh really, fly fishing?
- No I was trout fishing,
you don't fish for flies,
you swat them.
- But let me ask
about your equipment.
Hey, suppose you're
gonna go fishing for bass.
- Right.
- What kind of line do you use?
- Well I usually use a hey baby,
you wanna step out
for a little bird fish?
- That's what I thought, you
never caught anything did ya?
- Four flounders and
a lady game warden.
- Now what's four flounders
doing with a lady game warden?
- Well a lot of this.
- Why ask him?
- Kinda sorry I asked about it.
How do you know she
was a game warden?
- Well I think so,
she said I was,
she was game if I was.
- Let's get back to fishing.
Hey what's the biggest
fish you ever caught?
- A 400 pound anchovy.
- A 400 pound anchovy?
- Right, now if I could
just find a 75 foot pizza,
mama mia, that's a some
spicy niece a nicey noosy.
- Now let's just find
a way to the party.
- I shot a fish.
- I think the courts
are far too lenient.
Yesterday they arrested
a skinny, topless dancer
and the judge dismissed the
case for insufficient evidence.
- You know in my own
neighborhood we used
to play King of the Mountain.
The only thing is the other
kids would get to be the king
and I would always
get to be the mountain.
(classical music)
- I don't go along
with the braless fad.
I won't lower my
standards for anyone.
(classical music)
- I had to break up a
wild party last night,
breaking, dancing and noise.
I had to throw five people in
jail for disturbing the peace.
That's the last time I
go to a policeman's ball.
(classical music)
- Dan.
- Anne.
- You know what?
The Russians say they now
have a supersonic transport
that will get you anywhere
in the world in two hours.
- Right, no matter where
you are in the world,
within two hours
they'll get you.
(classical music)
- I've been working
on a pilot for NBC.
- Oh that's nothing.
I've been working
on a pilot for TWA.
(classical music)
- I had a very
strange case today.
A patient came into
my office and insisted
he was a football.
- What did you do?
- I kicked him.
(classical music)
- Hi, Boomer here.
At the club this week
I've got a special price
on lessons for ladies.
$14 an hour.
20 if it includes tennis.
(classical music)
- Hard as a rock.
Tell me Tootsie, do
you believe in good will?
- Well of course.
- Well I thought that's
where you got your clothes.
(laughing) (classical music)
- Then everybody was
waiting around to hear
what Dan was going to say.
- There's a war in Vietnam.
Don't spread it around.
(classical music)
- Hey would you like to
come up to my apartment
after the party and
fix me some eggs?
- Wait a minute.
Don't you generally
have eggs for breakfast?
- Thank you.
(classical music)
(applause)
- [Narrator] And now
for a visit with those
people who lived in the
big white house on the hill.
- You know, you must
have a talk with David.
- David who?
- You know, Julie's David.
- Julie, oh yes,
Julie and David.
What seems to be the problem?
- Well, David has been
using such language
and I frankly don't know
where he's hearing it.
- Well I'd like you to
make this perfectly clear.
What did he say?
- Well, this morning he was
walking through the house
and he stubbed his toe.
And said, gee wiz.
- Oh my gosh.
- So that's where he's
getting it Mr. President.
- My dear there's no
reason to be formal.
You may call me Mr. Nixon.
- Thank you, sir.
- Wolfgang.
- Yeah?
- Have you noticed
that the president's
principle advisors all
have German names?
- Yeah.
- Do you know what they are?
- No, tell me.
- Kissinger Holdiman
Elmenschwartz.
- Yeah that's so if
anything goes wrong
all he's gotta do is say,
don't blame me, after all I
was just following advice.
(laughing)
- Wolfgang.
Do you remember I wonder
who's kissing her now.
- Oh you corn ball
that was a goody.
Boy oh boy and today
everybody's singing.
Oh there's Holdiman
Kissinger Elmenschwartz
And Wineberger Finchen - Finch?
- Finch.
- Finch?
- You know something?
- What's that?
- We're running out of German's.
- That was our problem too.
- Did you get the brown
shoes with the purple robe?
- She's great at charades.
- She is such a great player.
- 10 words.
- 10 words.
- One word, first word.
- First word.
- There, there.
- Here, here.
- There, look below you.
- Look out.
- She's getting excitement.
- No, no, no one over there.
- Monkey, no monkey.
- Cheetah, cheetah, cheetah.
My cheek hurts.
Look over there,
over there, there.
- There he is.
- What is it?
- There's a tavern in the town.
Over there, there's
a tavern over there.
Look me over.
I got my eyes on you.
Look, there's a blue bird.
- There's a monster
behind the couch.
- Right.
Now it's your turn.
- Okay.
- First word.
First word is big, big fish.
- So hey, hey.
Since when have you
begun to wear glasses?
- Well I've had to
effect this disguise
in order to mislead all those
who suspect who I really am.
- Well you're Dick Martin.
- You think all I am is
mild mannered Dick Martin.
Hysterical jokester for a
great metropolitan TV show.
Not all of those are naive as
you my hair suit companion.
- Is that so?
Well then mister smarty eyes.
Who are you?
- Well perhaps this will
reveal my true identity.
- You're harry.
- What happened to my outfit?
Anybody seen a blue polo
shirt with a red S on the chest?
A long red cape made
of indestructible material?
I hope nobody tears
it, it tears easily.
- Does it?
This is ridiculous.
- Well it may be
ridiculous to you but I'm
standing here
without my polo shirt.
- You know that
kind of points our mod
world subject for tonight.
- Our mod world
about my polo shirt?
- No.
Well partly yes.
Tonight, Laugh-In takes
a look at the strange
and idiosyncratic behavior
of the people who populate
the coo coo world around us.
- Good, I'll use
my X-ray vision.
- Good.
Give me a C, give me
a O, give me a C-O-O.
Give me a coo, give me a
coo, give me a coo coo coo.
Coo coo racha, coo
coo racha, coo coo coo.
Gotcha.
- Speaking of coo coo's.
When I walk along
on a crowded street
I'm a very friendly
lady to the man I meet
I'm a jolly cop
when I walk my feet
'cause I think if I should
always try to beat discrete
Conscious cop Dedicated dame
Have you noticed that our
work is quite a bit the same?
Always get your man
is the common name
In this coo coo Laugh-In world
In this golly garsh
And jolly wacker
Sparkle family Fickle finger
Coo coo Laugh-In World
(applause)
- Hello lousy human.
We like to present the
greatest arm wrestler
the world's ever known.
Here on stage is
Mr. Postle Crechity.
Postle.
Very funny, dude, really?
You just great.
- A little dab will do ya.
- But two will put you away.
- Convicts.
- President Nixon
has been trying to get.
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
- President Nixon has
been trying to get a list
of the total number of.
(laughing)
- Is that good enough?
(jolly music)
(gun firing)
(tires screeching)
(gun firing)
- Holline Roderick here
talking to the King family.
Please excuse me
sir but I'd like to know
What you think of
all the painted ladies
On the show
I'm impervious to the parkachude
And the over powering
presence of the neo nude
Then you think it's wrong?
No I think it's fine
If you get the pizza
mamma, I will pour the wine
It's a shocking
thing It's a valentine
It's a coo coo Laugh-In world
It's a dolly gosh Jolly wacker
Fockle family Fickle finger
Coo coo Laugh-In World
- I'll see you at
the bowling booth.
- Aye Captain.
I caught this slimy binge rat
in the whisky supply
for the fifth time.
- String him up by his thumbs.
- Oh no, not again.
- Oh do I hate being an Arab.
It's nearly noon.
- We better pray.
Which way is east?
- I'm all blown up on dates.
Do the farko, do the farko
Mr. President
you're a clever man
When you try to sock it
to us every way you can
Always using words
I don't understand
Still I keep my flag
unfurled, two, three
And this downtown
Burbank wingy dingy
That's the truth, Spiro
Agnew, coo coo Laugh-In
World
- The big cities
need more parks.
Any many cities there
are three couples to a bush.
- That calls for
another drinky poo.
- Thank you.
(phone ringing)
- Yes, Governor?
Okay.
- Who was it?
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Uh huh.
Oh, really?
- Really?
- Oh.
Well good, I'll
talk to you later.
That was the Governor.
- Really?
(phone ringing)
- Yes?
Oh yes Governor.
Oh, oh thank you Governor.
- What'd he say?
- Oh have I got a big.
(laughing)
- [Man] I'll get that.
(laughing)
- Woo.
Hiya Boomer boy Hi Lula ma'am
Have you ever seen a
lady built the way I am?
You're in groovy
shape Hard as a rock
Come on, I dare ya
Give my gut a sock
No I'd better not
'cause I'm awful strong
I've been lobbing balls and
playing tennis all day long
You're a dingaling
That's my favorite song
Go on baby give
the ol' popo a pat
You're a little prude
It's a downtown
Burbank Spiro Agnew
That's the truth ringy dingy
coo coo Laugh-In world
(laughing)
- You call em' penta
shorts, I call em' hot pants.
(laughing)
- Do you spray when you talk.
- This is the city.
Los Angeles, California.
My name's Peaches.
I'm a fuzz.
Warning, be on the lookout
for a body of noxious fumes.
Fumes.
(laughing)
This is the city.
Los Angeles, California.
(laughing)
(laughing)
I don't know, I'm sorry,
really this is embarrassing.
This is the city.
- Hold on, someones tack.
- In closing,
I'd like to coin the new phrase.
On closing, I'd like
to coin a new phrase.
Never take a wooden
dollar, thank you.
Don't you push me.
- I'm sorry.
Well you have to take
that over that's really lousy.
- In closing, I'd like
to coin a new phrase,
never take the wooden
dollar, thank you.
- I wouldn't give you.
- Well that's our mod
world, how did you like it, sir?
- I'll never answer
your questions, Dr. Evil.
- Dr. Evil? Who's Dr. Evil?
- My lips are sealed,
do whatever your
twisted mind dictates.
Nothing you and your kind
will ever break my iron will.
- Dick for Pete sake.
- I'll talk, I'll talk, I can't
stand it anymore, you beast!
- I thought you
would never crack.
Now tell me, what did
you think of our mod world?
And the coo coo world around us?
- Sounds like a job
for, Superhuman.
- Oh for.
(glasses rattling)
Missed by that much.
Let the water flow,
let the trap door spring
Let the jolly wackos
gettos get the meaner thing
Let the walls fall down
We will always sing
It's a golly goshin'
jolly whacker
Fockle family, fickle finger
coo coo Laugh-In world
It's a downtown
Burbank Spiro Agnew
That's the truth wingy
dingy coo coo Laugh-In world
(applause)
- Have you heard about the
Hollywood marriage cocktail?
You gotta have at least six.
- The jolly green
giant cocktail.
One drink and you'll
end up in the can.
- The Walter Hickle, one
drink and you tell the truth
so you get fired.
- Santa Barbara cocktail.
One drink and you're well oiled.
- The other Walter
Hickle cocktail.
Two drinks and you
go from the interior
to the exterior.
- There's a 747 cocktail.
No matter how many you drink,
you're never more
than half loaded.
- The King Kong cocktail.
One drink and you go ape.
- The Lassie cocktail.
One drink and you're
man's best friend.
- The Georgia Gessel cocktail,
you drink two and you date a
girl 50 years younger than you
but you can't remember why.
- There's the Twiggy cocktail.
Two drinks and
you can't tell whether
you're coming or going.
- Then there's the
Quasimodo cocktail,
two drinks and
you're a humpback.
- Then there's the
Christine Jorgenson cocktail,
one drink and you
don't feel a thing.
- Then there's the NBC cocktail,
two drinks and you're canceled.
- I'm only deliberating
vicissitudes
and the continuum of
our temporal paragrantions
and they're insidious to them
is the inexorable, intrandencous
of the station break.
And you know, I
understood all them words
except the last two.
- Be listening next week
when Dick Martin will explain
how to make martinis
out of leftovers.
(upbeat jolly music)
- I'll see ya.
- Mrs. Spilky, Mrs. Spilky.
Please, don't worry.
We sent for a psychiatrist
to talk to your husband
out of committing suicide.
Here he is.
Boy.
- Now what seems
to be the trouble?
- He's gonna jump.
- Oh well modern
psychiatry can help deal with
problems like this, watch.
Hey.
Stupid, get in here.
- No, I lost my
little cat, Tink.
I'm going to jump.
I'm going to jump,
leave me alone.
- Well you heard him,
he lost his cat Tink
so let's get out of here.
- Doctor, you can't
leave just like that.
- Oh that's right, that'll
be $50 in advance.
- Oh please, help him, help him.
- Okay.
Hi Sailor, you
leave around here?
- I hit my head on the stump
and I've got a rotissomat.
I'm going to jump.
- It's a simple case
of reverse psychology.
I'll have him off that
ledge in just a minute.
- Oh, good.
- Go ahead, jump.
Go ahead.
(shouting)
See what I told you?
It only took a minute.
- I'm so depressed,
yesterday my psychiatrist
told me to call a dial-a-prayer.
- See, this is a pooty catcher.
You can catch pooty's with it.
Or you could catch a
jelly bean and you could
hide it for a secret.
Or you could sneak in
the kitchen and you could
put it in the cabbage.
And tell everybody,
it's a secret ingredient.
And then when they get sick
you say it was a accident.
And that's the truth.
- Recently President
Nixon indicated that he was
not completely satisfied
with his first two years
of being in office.
There's no truth to the
rumor that this marked
the first time
there was uninevity
of opinion in the country.
- The economy is so
bad nowadays that people
on welfare are considered
upper middle class.
America, America
Stop the music What is the news?
Such a catastrophe,
what is the news?
I think someone
is giving the fizz
Call up Mrs. Callaban
wherever she is
Revolt in development
Ain't got no news
Shut up, get out
Get me some news
Let me hear that
band Play the cord
All I want is hacha
sitcha Ladda dida
Ladies and gents
Give me notes
that there's no news
- Here's Dick and Dan in person.
- [Narrator] And now
for the Laugh-In news
with Richard Santa
from the move, West
Germany on the mic.
PF 1-11 on the crown,
Timothy Leary on the grass,
Queen Elizabeth on the throne.
- And this is Dan Rowan
in Holland for arrest.
- And this is Dick Martin
in Denmark for a change.
- 1973, President
George McGovern
holding true to his
1971 campaign promise,
completely withdrew
everyone from southeast Asia.
Now he has to find
housing for the 370
million Asians who
are currently waiting
at the bus depot in San Diego.
- Burbank, California.
By removing the basement
window thieves today
made off with Burbank Art
Museum's most valuable possession.
The basement window.
- Well it certainly
was worth waiting for,
I'll tell you that, news
with the future New York.
Black Panther leader
Eldridge Cleaver
was finally returned
to the United States,
today concluding a seven
year, two and a half million dollar
effort by the government.
Mr. Cleaver was immediately
placed on an airplane
and sent out of the
country as an undesirable.
- Date line Vatican, 1975.
Following the
unprecedented success
of the television special,
a tour of the Vatican
Conducted by the Pope,
a denial was issued
today that a sequel
is now being planned.
- On the brighter side, the
denial stated that there is
no truth to the rumor.
That the program will open
with the precision dancing
of the sister Mary
June Taylor Nunetz.
Followed by the
comedy of Joey Bishop
with musical numbers
performed by Peter Paul and Mary.
And Ed Sullivan introducing
the starting back field
from the College of Cardinals.
- They further dispelled
rumors that the show would close
with the mystery monsenior
hitting the center of the week
with a bucket of
non-denominational water as he said,
good night and God bless.
- However the Vatican
did not deny that as
planned that any Catholic
who misses the show
will have to watch 10
reruns of Danny Thomas.
- And now these
important words from
the American
Medical Association.
- Whoops.
- Now here's the
news of the day.
- Dennis Day had a good day.
Dorris Day had a good night.
And Rose O'Day has a
good time day and night.
- Take you back to that
famous moment in history
with Alexander Graham Bell.
- Alexander, will you
stop fiddling with that thing
and have something to eat.
- Just one moment Sir Malky.
There.
I almost got it.
I've got it.
- Now will you eat?
- Yeah.
Hello?
Chicken Delight?
I'd to place an order.
- Here's something straight
from the horses mouth.
(neighing)
- Now for this final note.
(Oprah singing)
Chachicha, no lada
ditata Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at our news
- Get off.
- Get off.
(applause)
- Fruit Salad.
A trilogy by Berneace Pestnor.
Grab across the orchard tree.
Squeeze it once or twice.
Make sure the grublies
don't dribble down
your normalas because it'll
eat a hole in your trimplee.
After you've crossed
them and made a soil
and held its hand
with threatening file.
Don't trussle, don't step.
Don't garble off of thiblalayos.
Or you'll be forced
to sit on a grape fruit.
- Hey Hardy, you
really must be looking
forward to Thursday night.
- Right, the night
of your special, huh?
Tell us about it.
- Well it's my first special,
I'm very exciting about it.
It's on NBC on March
18th and the guest stars
are Ben Crosby, Elke
Sommer, Billy De Wolfe,
Joe Flynn, Nancy Culk.
- Elke Sommer you say?
- Yeah that's right it's
called very interesting.
- She certainly is.
- Hey, hey Dick, there's
a lot of other things
in this special like his
own lovable characters,
Wolfgang, Tyrone
is gonna be there.
- Yeah we had a
very good time doing it
but it's sort of a
fun show, it really is.
- Elke Sommer you say, huh?
- Sounds like a great night.
Don't forget to watch, folks.
NBC Thursday night for
Arty Johnson's special,
Very Interesting.
- Elke Sommer you say, huh?
- Thanks, Dan.
- You bet.
(classical music)
- Get that man to sick bay.
Now hear this.
All hands on deck, Admiral
Ferroget Wright speaking
better known as far right.
I'm here tonight
to talk to you about
my kid brother, Bull.
You all know him
as General Bullright,
he's been coming on
this ready clip program
for a long time spouting
his left wing philosophy,
now it's time you
heard the right story.
Pay attention or I'll lay
one across your bowel.
Bull's okay in his way,
when we were kids
he was known as just
plain Bull and he hasn't
changed a great deal
over the years, still a softy.
Don't get me wrong,
there's a place in this
country for liberals.
The Navy Brig at Quonset Point.
Like any tight ship, America
needs a clean sweep
down before and after, the
trouble is too many American's
don't know their
fore from their aft.
Okay.
The smoking lamp
is lit, look out so loft
double ration of
rump royal hands.
Now remember,
don't drag your anchor.
Pipe down, Somewaldt.
(classical music)
- Excuse me.
Are you Mr. Travyacious,
the NBC censor?
- You bet your (bleep) I am.
- I'm Florence Lawrence
and I'm applying
for the job as secretary.
- Oh yes, the girl the
agency is sending over.
My last girl Ms. Pronagus
had to quit because she became
you know (bleep).
- You mean pregnant?
- Oh Ms. Lawrence.
How dare you use that
word in mixed company.
You should go wash your
mouth out with (bleep).
Now please, I'm in a hurry.
- Oh yes sir, I guess
with her leaving you've
gotten a little behind.
- What?
A little behind?
Now, you watch
your tone in this office.
If you wanna work here as a
moral watch dog for the public.
- You're right, I'm
sorry sir, I'm sorry.
- Now then, now let me
show you what we do.
Now, in this script we
must cut the word love.
- Well but love
is a lovely word.
What is the matter
with the word love?
- Ms. Lawrence.
Love is a four letter word.
No four letter words
on this network.
Here, look at this.
In the court room scene
which is in the script
and I happen to have a
card here with the word on it,
the lawyer uses
the word intimate.
- Intimate? But the
lawyer used the word.
- That's right, not
on this network.
It has the word, mate, M-A-T-E.
- Oh could you just cut
for at least a minute short?
- Well don't worry, we can
throw in a laxative commercial.
- Oh sir, you have
taught me so much.
You're a shining example
of everything that's good.
And I will do my best to
live up to your expectations.
- Welcome to the team.
- Oh thank you.
- Hi little pookey,
tookie, snookie wookums.
Alright well pooky, let's go.
- Here now you look this
over, this is tomorrows script.
- Well where are you
going Mr. Travyacious?
- To do a little
research, Ms. Lawrence,
a censorious job isn't all fun.
Come along.
- Now let's see.
Mother goose.
- Hey let's sneak a peek
at the quickies, folks.
- I can't.
- I can see you can't.
- I can't see you
can see I can't.
- May I ask what is
that over your eyes?
- Yes.
- Okay, what is
that over your eyes?
- Well they're doing a story
on me in Confidential magazine.
- Oh well in that
case you can listen
while we watch the quickies.
(cheering)
- Open up in the
name of the law.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, what do you want?
- You called about a man
climbing in your bedroom window?
- Yeah.
What took you so long?
The last one I called last week.
(cheering)
- Kiss me and I will
become a handsome prince.
- It didn't work.
- I know but you wouldn't
believe how much
action I get with that line.
- Alright your parents has
finally come through Steven,
you're free to leave now.
- Well wouldn't you know it.
Just when I was getting the
place to look like something.
(cheering)
- Alright, what am I
bid for this bridge table?
- One club.
- Up.
- That table's been
in the family for years.
- Heirloom.
- She was born on that table.
- [Producer] Let me have
that go to laugh of yours.
- I cannot just summon it up.
I cannot do a genuine
sounding laugh on queue.
I am a sensitive artist.
I'm not just a machine.
I'm not something you
can just turn the handle
and grind it out.
Something has to
happen that's real,
it has to, something has
to evoke merth and joy
from inside me.
You must say something
that makes me laugh.
- Bolinda either you
laugh or you're fired.
(laughing)
Rolling.
- How long you in for?
- 99 years.
- That's not so bad,
could've been life.
(bricks tumbling)
(cheering)
(water splashing)
(keys loudly stroking)
(cheering)
- Well Dick, how did
you like the quickies?
- Pretty good except in one.
I couldn't tell by the
sound what was going on.
- Which one was that?
- Well it sounded like
it was either a walrus
running along wet rocks.
Or Mamma Cass
getting a rub down.
(classical music)
- Thank you, Gregory.
Good evening, this
is Amy Vanderguilt.
And I have a few precious
words on etiquette.
Now,
most often many of us
are faced with the problems
of how to eat certain foods.
For example, the
delicious Italian delicacy,
the pizza.
Now, you ask, should it be eaten
with a knife and fork
and I say Horus no.
The delicious pizza
is a finger food.
Now, you take the
tempting morsel thusly.
Some of you eat it
from the inner edge out
and others eat it
from the outer edge in.
But I advocate darlings,
getting right to the
heart of the matter.
- You're in good
voice and now it's time
for Laugh-In's famous flying
fickled finger fate award.
- And once again the
winner in Washington is
the Pentagon.
- Yes, sir.
According to articles
in the Washington Post
and the Los Angeles Times,
it seems our five
sighted fumble factory
was recently delighted
to discover 5,000 tanks
it didn't even know existed.
They found them in West
Germany where for years
they've been
assigned as reserves
for the Nato Tank Force.
- Now these tanks from
Britain and West Germany
as well as the United
States are worth
several billion dollars.
- Billion dollars.
- Billion.
And one would think
they'd be carefully hidden.
- One would be wrong,
they're parked on sprew roads
along West Germany's auto bon,
visible from the air
and vulnerable to attack.
- An unnamed spokesman
for the Pentagon
did not confirm or
deny the existence
of the 5,000 extra tanks.
- However, he did say
that the statement that
the Pentagon didn't know
about the 5,000 tanks was bunk.
How's that for logic?
- So to the strange of
tanks for the memory.
Here's our fickle finger
with a string around it.
- That's right, please
be more careful.
As the old saying goes,
that's all the tanks you get.
- And as a reminder, some
other things you better watch for.
- Like a plane.
A boat.
A tank.
And some tax dollars.
- You've been losing
a lot of those lately too.
- I'm Susie Sorority
from the Silent Majority.
And if you can hear me,
I'll shout a little louder.
I'm Susie Sorority
from the Silent Majority.
Daddy says there's a new
definition of deficit spending.
It goes like this.
If you ain't got it, loan it.
Brah.
- On the Oregon's tonight,
there's a man of
outstanding qualities.
A man we all know and
love, Mervin the Magnificent,
stand up Mervin.
- Mervin, that was stupid.
- Stick em' up.
- Oh father.
I can't stand it.
Think they're gonna
hit me for this?
It's a lot of hard work.
- I was so
embarrassed yesterday.
I was suppose to put my
hand prints in the cement
in front of Gromand's
Chinese Theater.
But by the time I was
able to kneel down
the cement had hardened.
Of course.
God speed.
Balding.
I'm gonna throw up.
- Take five.
Minnesota fat story.
Queue the queue.
- The popularity of
ethnic put down jokes
depends on which ethnic
group is unpopular at the time.
Here's the joke that's
been told about every
minority at one time or another.
Ruth, do you know
why a certain minority
can't swim in Lake Erie?
- No, why?
- Because they
leave a ring around it.
But, today you
can't do that joke.
- Because you can't
do minority jokes today.
- No, because you
can't swim in Lake Erie.
(laughing)
- Hello.
My name is Les Fogal.
Me bringy shirt in last week.
Did you
clean?
Clean, me take home.
- One moment sir, if I may.
It is entirely unnecessary
for you to communicate
with me in such a
primitive fashion.
I am fully aware of the
morays and speech patterns.
Now then sir, do you have
receipt for said garment?
- No I, seem to
have left it at home.
- Oh.
Well in that case sir,
it behooves me
to inform you that.
No ticky, no shirty.
- And now it's really
time for a drinky poo.
Here's the Swizzelers.
- Hey Dorris.
- Yeah?
- Do you know Tony's push cart?
- No, how does it go?
- It doesn't, you gotta push it.
- You're so funny.
You're better than my pickle.
- Hey.
You know I think I have
had too much to drink.
I think I'm going to pass out.
- Oh well you go
right ahead, Leonard.
I'll catch up with you later.
- Okay.
- Very interesting.
But where is that no good
private first class Wolfgang?
I thought we were the private
fleet on third class schnapps.
- I'll have the same.
- Look at this dill pickle.
- Why do you say that, Sailor?
- 'Cause you're a pickle.
- Look, look.
- You're ruining the
bush, dumb dumb.
- Of all things for
you to grow a beard.
- What else should I grow?
- You should grow another foot.
- I can't grow another
foot, I'd have three feet.
- You'd still be too short.
- You're no lady, you.
- Who's no lady who?
I'm a lady who.
In fact, I'm a lady who.
I'm a lady who, I'm a lady.
(yodeling)
- With all yodelahee whoing,
you outta climb an alp.
- I don't need to climb an alp.
I'm already higher than that.
- Boiling bratwurst.
- Don't forget some
cheese and crackers
and muskitild to
go with it for me.
You don't mind if I
have a little nip do ya?
- That's no way to
talk about your life.
- They just hit on a safe
way to hold the 1972
democratic national
convention in secrecy.
(explosions)
- Well Dick it's time
to say goodnight.
- Is it?
- Well you know it's
funny, I was just thinking
about this new
poker game I learned,
it's called fire island feral.
- Fire island feral?
- Yeah, all the queens are wild.
- Is it?
- Silliest game I ever heard of.
- Maybe but the stakes are high,
$500 a hand.
- Wow, those are high
stakes, how 'bout the ante?
- Well now she's just
fine and that's nice
of you to ask.
She especially
wanted me to tell you
about the time she was
trapped in the senate
without a quarum
during William Proxmire's
filibuster against the SST.
- I really don't want
to hear anymore.
- No that's what
President Nixon said.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Well okay but I
think it's more polite to
call him Mr. President.
- Not the President, you.
You yo-yo you.
(yodeling)
- Turkey?
You know I went to my first
Weight Watchers meeting
and they divided
us into three groups.
Unfortunately, I
was the first group.
- Hey everybody in
America is very proud
of our achievements on the moon.
Now if we could just be
proud of our achievements
on this planet.
- That calls for
a little drinky poo.
- Sully, do you know how to
make a Micky Mouse watch?
- No, how do you make
a Micky Mouse watch?
- Well you take off
Mini Mouses clothing.
- When an Eskimo gets
a sex change operation,
don't they call it a nose job?
(laughing)
- That was terrific.
- Barbara, shut this, close up.
- No I'm Barbara Sherma.
- You darn right you are.
- Alan did you know?
- Yes.
- Telusena Track had very
little money while he was alive.
- Come to think of it I
remember he always
was being a little short.
And now kids,
here is Dan Royland,
you're on big boy.
- Dan who?
- Dan, Royland.
- By god, just hold it now.
My doctor says his
patients health is more
important than money
so how come he scribbles
his prescriptions and
types out his bills?
- Oh Jenum's, I think
I lost my green thumb.
Last week I planted a rock
garden and all my rocks died.
- D, did you hear
about my uncle who lost
his job as a prune juice tester?
- No, what happened?
- Well they finally
had to let him go.
- Oh.
- Oh kids, kids
you gotta hear this.
You know for years, for
years I thought I hated tea.
I was gonna die.
But I just found out I've
been put in the wrong
end of the string.
It's water.
- You know of course John
Wayne is super patriotic,
wouldn't you be if you won
the second World War 118 times
all by yourself,
single handedly.
- A friend of mine ran away
from George Wallace's house,
he refused to be
an Uncle Tomcat.
(upbeat classical music)
- Mr. President, every
night I go to bed in California
safe in the knowledge
that you are there,
3,000 miles away.
(classical music)
(blimp buzzing)