Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 22 - Episode #4.22 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
- Here in California, we have
so many show business people
playing politics that I thought
it might be a nice change
for you to see
what a real politician
looks like playing
show business.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, Mr. Connors, I
know you've been doing a lot
of movies and TV shows,
but tell me the truth,
how do you feel about the stage?
- Well, I've always
felt they give you
a terribly bumpy ride.
(audience laughs)
- Tall and embarrassing.
(audience laughs)
Always keep 'em laughing
Give the gang a giggle to go on
Give the world a
chuckle to grow on
Give the gang a grand yell
Always enter jokin'
Never leave till you
get the punchline
Try to find the best
of the bunch line
That's the way to win
We think a ha ha
ha, and a ho ho ho
Are better than a boo hoo hoo
We think a grumpy
face and a furrowed brow
Are bound to be the death of you
We do Always keep 'em laughin
Try to find the
side that is funny
Even jokes are baggy and funny
Cut your cares in half
Always have a world of laughs
(applause)
- Oh, you wanna laugh?
I'll tell you something funny.
I went to a party last night,
and this gorgeous
girl followed me
all the way home
to my apartment.
- There's nothing
funny about that.
- You know something?
That's just what my wife said.
(laughs)
- I watched a show at
ABC yesterday. (laughs)
the entire audience
laughed so hard (laughs)
he fell out of
his seat. (laughs)
- You talk about
comedians bombing.
I know a guy who was so bad
he went to the zoo one
day, and the hyenna cried.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you something,
if you'll just look upward and
let a smile be your umbrella,
you're gonna watch
the mascara run right
down your little cheeks.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that's about as funny as
the Knights of Columbus
parade in Tel Aviv.
(laughs)
- You take away all
the laughter in the world,
and what have you got?
- Hee Haw.
(audience laughs)
We think a rah rah rah
and a siss boom bah
Are better than a
hiss or boo, yes we do
We think a hateful
pan or a sourpuss
Can really put an
end to you That's true
Always keep 'em laughin'
Laughter digs up
fabulous treasures
Laugh-In lets in
limitless pleasures
Like a tall giraffe
Always give the world a laugh.
(laughs)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National
Bilious Company
takes a couple of
anti-acid commercials
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the totally
straight-forward, Dan Rowan,
and the slightly
backward, Dick Martin,
and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, Lily Tomlin,
and Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
and the active ankles
of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this message
about facial peeling
from painful sunburn.
It's no skin off my nose.
(audience laughs)
- Our first home-cooked meal.
I'm so glad you liked it, dear.
- Oh, I'll say.
- Now, what did
you like the most,
the chicken fat cookies or
the pickles with orange sauce?
- That's stoic.
- Now, come on,
what was it, dear?
The oyster stroganoff or
the chocolate sauerkraut?
- Well, to tell you the truth,
I think it was all
that alka-belcher.
- Mr. Capote.
How do you feel about
the invasion of your privacy?
- That question's already
an invasion of my privacy.
- For heaven's sakes.
- Next question.
- Can I ask anything?
I mean, anything at all?
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.
- What's the capital
of North Dakota?
- About $4.95, gotcha!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you sure did.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Movie cliche number
14, fortune hunter take 12.
(audience laughs)
- Mary Ellen, I
will prove to you
that this man is nothing
but a fortune hunter.
I will give you
$50,000 if you will stay
away from my daughter.
What do you say?
- Throw in another $5,000
and I'll stay away
from your wife, also.
(playful orchestral music)
- This year, why
don't you give a friend
a gift that keeps on giving?
(laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- I think three of the most
important Mexican holidays
are the Day of
Mexican Independence,
the day we defeated
the invading French Army,
and the day we got
rid of the Frito Bandito.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
in all my screen career
playing a gunfighter, the
most important rule I learned
about firearms is that you
should never bring 'em out
unless you mean to fire 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wish that rule applied
to the two hotshots I'm
about to bring out now.
Here they are, Dead-eye Dan
Rowan, and Dead Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Good evening.
- Obviously, they
thought I was Bob Steele.
- I gotta tell you, you
just look ridiculous.
- You smile when
you say that, partner.
- It's all I can do to keep
from laughing out loud.
You're not going to tell
me you're a cowboy?
- Well, no, sir, you'll
just have to guess.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, you're a cowboy.
- Funny you should
mention cowboys.
- Isn't it strange?
- I was just reading up on
famous names in Western history.
- You're a fount
of wisdom there.
- Yes, yes.
- Facts.
- Did you know, for instance,
that Billy the Kid was
really 84 years old?
- Why did they call him the Kid?
- 'Cause he was
only three foot, four.
(audience laughs)
- Just a little
squirt, wasn't he?
- Hush, Billy
hears you say that,
he'll shoot your
right in the kneecap.
(audience laughs)
- I'll be careful.
- Of course, Doc Holiday,
he came by his
name kinda naturally.
- He was a real doctor?
- No, he played golf
every Wednesday.
(audience laughs)
- I don't wanna hear
anymore of this nonsense.
- Okay, but wouldn't you like to
know about Wyatt Henderson?
- You mean, Wyatt Earp?
- No, no, that's where
history went wrong, you see...
- His name wasn't Earp?
- No, every time someone
asked Wyatt his name,
he had just come out of
a Mexican restaurant, urp.
(audience laughs)
- Natural mistake.
- And then there was
Pecos Bruce, the rustler.
- Pecos Bruce, the rustler?
Pecos Bruce?
- Why sure,
everyone's heard of him.
He wore taffeta chaps.
(audience laughs)
- Taffeta chaps?
- Funny, so does blue denim.
(audience laughs)
- In the first
place, it's chaps.
- Oh, whatever turns you on.
- Any other cowboy heroes
you wanna tell us about
before we go on with the show?
- Well, actually, no
western is complete
without a Wild Bill.
- What's a Wild Bill?
- Oh, anything over
15 cents a beer.
(audience laughs)
I got you then.
- It's time for the
quickies, and as for you,
get out of here like
a cavalry charge.
- What's a cavalry charge?
- How about a
buck-and-a-half a horse?
- He got me! He got me!
(playful orchestral music)
- Hey, the James' boys
are heading this way.
I need five volunteers.
Make it four volunteers.
Give me three volunteers.
I'd like a frozen daquiri?
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- So, you're 26443.
Funny, you don't look Jewish.
(audience laughs)
- For my next number,
I'd like to do 26443.
(audience laughs)
- I'll drink to that.
- That was contestant
number 24, little Randi Farr
holding her breath
to the theme song
from Victory At Sea.
- So far, they have
been reasonably tasteful.
(playful orchestral music)
- Hello, there, I am a mummy.
And a mummy is
an Egyptian mother.
Thank you and good night.
(playful orchestral music)
- Time now for
Laugh-In's Story Lady,
who will tell you a story.
- An elephant
once said to a bird,
"Look at me, I am huge
and big and terrifying.
"And you are small and
puny and insignifcant."
And the bird said, "Well,
if that's the way you feel
"about it, get out of my nest."
(audience laughs)
- How about a little drinky poo?
That'd be terrific.
(slurps)
(laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Oh, you're a fancy gun
handler, I'll tell you that.
- Watch that, boy.
- Lookit there,
don't drop it now.
- No, sir.
This gun was used by my
Uncle Bronco for quick draw.
- I imagine in his day,
that'd come in handy.
- Well, it sure came
in handy the time
there was a holdup at the bank.
- Ah.
- Uncle Bronco walked
right up to the cashier
and pointed the gun, he
said, "Quick, draw $2,000."
(audience laughs)
- Quick draw, all right,
really came in handy.
- Well, I must say the
2,000 was a lot of help, too.
It helped pay his
bail, you know.
- Quick Draw Bronco.
- Quick Draw Bronco.
- I'd like to hear more
about Pecos Bruce.
(laughs)
Always keep 'em laughin'
Give the group a
chuckle to grow on
- To my President, Mr. Agnew,
your speeches
are so intelligent,
why they're talked
about each day.
For I always hear
my friends remark,
"What did that man just say?"
(audience laughs)
(tapping)
(playful orchestral music)
- You know, I'd like
to take this opportunity
to apologize to calling
Jacqueline Susanne,
the way I did on television,
a truck driver in drag.
- Oh, well, I can tell you that
that should make Miss
Susanne very happy.
- Well, I wasn't
apologizing to her,
I was apologizing to
all the truck drivers.
(audience laughs)
- Well, come on,
Truman, now it was kind
of a mean thing to say.
- Yes, and I am sorry.
- Because you hurt her feelings?
- No, because now
she won't tell me
all the good places
to eat on Route 66.
(audience laughs)
- Movie cliche number
eight, young love, take 12.
- Now, I see all of us
as like leaves on a tree.
We have separate stems
but we all need the same rain.
I guess you think that's
kinda silly, don't you?
- No, it's not
silly, it's moronic.
(audience laughs)
- And that's the truth.
- Wilt, is it uncomfortable
for you to sit
in the back seat of the car?
- Not if I'm driving.
- Oh, let's go!
- This is a poem.
He held me in his arms,
what could I do but linger,
I ran my fingers
through his hair,
and a cootie bit my finger.
(audience laughs)
- And now, let's hear it for
America's most lovable lushes,
the Swizzles, where are you?
(audience laughs)
- Hey listen, it's
Saturday night.
What'd you say we have a
couple of drinks before dinner?
- Terrific.
When do you wanna have dinner?
- How about Thursday?
(laughs)
- [Dan] What'll it be?
- Make it two quarts
of your finest Muscatel.
- I'll have the same.
(laughs)
You know what?
You're really a nice guy.
- I'll drink to that.
- And I enjoy drinkin' with you.
- I'll drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
- Wait a minute, she
didn't say anything.
- I know that, I didn't
wanna break my rhythm.
(laughs)
- I love that, Thursday.
- I think I spilled some.
(playful orchestral music)
- The regularly scheduled
program, Celebrity Drinking,
will not be seen tonight,
because we're ashamed of it.
- [Audience] Aw!
- Hello, folks.
Chaplain Bud Humley
here with a thought for today.
As down the road
of life you walk,
let this thought be your goal.
Keep your eye upon the doughnut,
not upon the hole.
(clanging)
We think a ha ha ha and ho ho ho
Are better than a boo hoo hoo
- When I started makin' movies,
you could get into
the theater for a nickel.
Today, it costs a dime
just to get to the restroom.
Money has become a
way of life these days,
but it still can't buy friends.
However, it sure
pays for the rent.
- Where do you stand of
the question of nudity in films?
- What do you mean, stand?
I sit, and right down front.
(audience laughs)
- Shall we go to the movies?
- Rivers and lakes in America
have become so polluted.
Whenever friends of mine
come up from Mexico to visit me,
I warn them not
to eat the water.
(audience laughs)
- [TV Announcer] Reporting
ladies and gentlemen,
the Dodgers are leading New
York by a score of two to one.
Bottom of the ninth.
All right, here's the windup,
the pitch, Jones swings,
he hits a long, long drive,
going way over the fence
(glass breaking)
and out of the park.
The longest baseball ever hit.
(glass breaking)
There he goes,
he's rounding first,
he's rounding third
and coming in to score.
Oh no, it's fantastic,
here comes the ball.
The catcher's got it,
Jones is out at the plate.
What a throw.
- Playing catch and we won!
(laughs)
(knocking)
- Yes?
- Excuse me, good Samaritan.
- Yes.
- But down yonder,
my car broke down.
- Uh huh.
- I wonder if I might
come in for a second
and borrow your wife.
- Huh? (laughs)
- Actually, in Los Angeles,
we don't campaign
like other politicians.
Here, each candidate
does a television special
and the one with the highest
ratings wins the election.
(audience laughs)
- May I help you, sir?
- Oh yes, is the druggist here?
- I am the druggist,
what do you need?
- Well, is there a male
sales clerk I could talk to?
- No, I've run this
business alone for 25 years.
Don't be embarrassed,
I've heard everything.
Now, what is your problem?
- Well, I suffer from a constant
driving need for romance.
Is there anything you
can give me for that?
- How about $2,000 and a
half interest in the business?
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
(gonging)
- Yes, what is it?
- Avon calling.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Many of the proceeds
from tonight's show go
to the state home for the dull.
- I know this is a
foolish question,
but what are you
doing in that getup?
- Well, it's not such
a foolish question.
- My mistake.
- I suppose you're wondering
what I'm doing in this getup.
- The thought had
crossed my mind.
- You see, it's
all a part of this
do-it-yourself
course I'm taking.
- Oh, that sounds
very interesting.
- It does?
Well, maybe I better
look into it myself.
- Well, you're already
taking the course.
You said you were
taking a course.
- Oh, in that case, let me
tell you more about it then.
- I'm all ears.
- I might be able
to fix that for you.
Let's see, ears, ears.
Now, if you were all legs,
I might make a cute
little end table outta ya.
- What else can you make
besides cute little end tables?
- Well, some bigger and
more expensive things.
For instance, $100,000 yacht.
- Oh yeah?
- A $200,000 home.
- No kidding?
- A beautiful blonde woman.
- Where do you get a
beautiful blonde woman?
- Well, there's nothin' to it.
First of all, you see, you
make the $100,000 yacht.
Then you make the $200,000
home, and the rest is easy.
(laughs)
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho Hee
hee hee, hoo hoo hoo
Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, ha
You know, actually
considering the multifarious
ex-jealousies♪♪ occluding
the imponderable of fulminations
of an exorable exhumilary
I have every cognises
of the proximal eminence
of the station break.
Man, I wish I had said that.
(audience laughs)
- After that, let's have
a little drinky poo, huh?
(playful orchestral music)
- Truman, do you like Cleveland?
- Amory, yes, Ohio, no.
(audience laughs)
- You better be careful,
they won't let you
walk on Lake Erie.
(laughs)
Laugh-In keeps 'em laughin'
If you want a
giggle that's hearty
Come along,
let's go to the party
You might have some fun
(upbeat pop rock music)
- I have this doctor friend
who became confused
during the transplant operation,
got a pacemaker mixed
up with a transistor radio.
- Did the patient live?
- No, he died, but he died
With a song in his heart
(upbeat pop rock music)
- A good secretary is
like a good mailman.
She's got to know when
to stop sitting around,
and when to start delivering.
(upbeat pop rock music)
(shouts)
- The other day, I broke
up a gay liberation riot,
and charged five of them with
assault with a deadly purse.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- You know, John, President
Agnew may not be doing
as much campaigning
in the future
since the last election
when Mr. Nixon
sent him to stump California.
And he did.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Listen, why don't we
go up to my place later
and fool around a little?
- Why don't we go up
to my place right now
and fool around a lot?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop rock music)
- The government's
policy of paying farmers
to grow nothing must be
working because that's exactly
what a lot of poor
people have for dinner.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- (laughs) flat as a
board, no offense.
Let me see this, well
now, that's good news.
(laughs)
Oh, confidentially though,
tell me, when are you due?
- What do I do?
- No, no, no, no,
when are you due?
I know what you do.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Hey, Boomer here.
Yesterday, I played
tennis with Mama Cass.
It's amazing how that woman
can cover the entire court.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- I just turned down
a part in a new movie.
It's a touching love
story, but the script called
for a little too much touching.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Mr. Horneigh.
- Yeah.
- You are a lecherous,
depraved degenerate.
- Yeah, (laughs) is
that a condemnation
or a request for my
companionship? (laughs)
- Oh, how revolting
and tasteless.
(audience laughs)
- Muy interesante.
- Hold it, amigo, what
are you doing in my bush?
- Listen, my little
chihuahua, I'm taking over.
- A chihuahua, a dachshund
maybe, a chihuahua never.
Now, get out of my
bush, men-sum-pental.
- My name is Montalban,
Ricardo Montalban.
- You do and you'll
have to clean it up.
(audience laughs)
- You're very cute,
aren't you, Wolfgang?
- Well, a little bit.
- Listen, when you get to
Frankfurt, don't drink the beer.
- There you go, Montal-the-bomb.
Always with the don't
drink the beer jokes.
- Well, I'm sorry, Wolfgang,
if I've offended you.
There is nothing wrong with you
that couldn't be fixed
with a little height.
- If you're such a big man,
why didn't you beat Cortez?
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're privileged to have one
of the world's great men
of letters with us tonight.
- Our guest has written
award-winning short stories,
novels, articles,
screenplays, and plays
for the Broadway stage,
Mr. Truman Capote.
(applause)
- Imagine to have done all
that and ended up on Laugh-In.
(laughs)
- That is a comedown.
- Mr. Capote, writers such
as Norman Mailer, Gore Vidal
have, at least they've said
that they write thousands
of words sometime in one day.
And I understand that
sometimes you will work all day
and write one or two words.
- Yes, but they're
the right words.
(laughs)
- You're one of the
country's most brilliant authors
and I mean that seriously.
One of our truly
delightful raconteurs.
- Yes, you left out I'm
charming, witty, and very cute.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, do you
know any jokes?
- I do, my lawyer asked me not
to discuss the administration.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Do you watch
much television, Mr. Capote?
- No, I don't.
- You probably don't know
who he is then, do you?
(laughs)
- In your opinion, what
is the funniest thing
that Spiro Agnew ever said?
- Mercifully, I can't remember
anything the man ever said.
(laughs)
- You wrote "Breakfast At
Tiffany's" about New York City.
What do you think you'd
write about the city of Burbank?
(laughs)
- I think you're right.
If they ever filmed
your life story,
who would you think
should play the lead,
if John Wayne isn't available?
- I'm sure Marlon Brando
would like a crack at it,
just to get even with me.
(audience laughs)
- What do you think
about Governor Wallace?
- I try not to.
(laughs)
(applause)
- This isn't really
the sort of thing
you do every day in
your life, Mr. Capote.
How do you feel about
being on Laugh-In?
- I'd much rather be sitting
home with a good book,
or even somebody who's read one.
(laughs)
- Mr. Capote, we want
to thank you very much
for gracing our
rather raucous stage
with your dignified presence.
It's been a pleasure
chatting with you.
- Thank you, I
enjoyed it very much.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- [Dan] Thanks for coming
on, Mr. Truman Capote.
(applause)
- All right, quiet,
quiet, quiet on the set.
We want to get in position for
the cloudburst scene, please.
- Wait a minute.
- Special effects man, stand by.
- No, you don't.
(laughs)
- All right, cut.
Oh, come on, why, why?
- Why not, you little beauty.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Movie cliche number
70, War World I, take 12.
Over here, over here
- No, no, you mean over there.
- You go where you
want, I'll go where I want.
(laughs)
Over here, over here
- Then you take the bottom bunk.
- Gosh, you can't have any
fun in the service anymore.
(audience laughs)
- Mayor Yorty, would you
like to be president some day?
- I'll tell ya, Dick, no,
because I don't wanna
be involved in
politics, I'd rather travel.
- And now, the winner for the
1944 Downbeat Pole Award
for Unemployment.
(cabaret music)
Hello, boys, how
do ya feel (yawns)
Don't those muscles
look harder than steel
(yawns)
Put your arms around me, dearies
What can ya lose
Why don't you come up
and sneak a peak at the news
You're a cutie,
you're really the best
If you leave us,
we'll follow you, West
Oh, sock it to me
You've got so much sex appeal
You're breakin' the law
Why don't you come
up and la-da-di-da
Once I got ya, there's no escape
Tall, dark, and handsome
Peel me a grape
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- With Dan and Dick.
(applause)
- [Announcer] And now
for the Laugh-In news
with Liberace standing
by in Alpine County,
John Wayne standing
tall in the saddle,
Nixon standing
pat in Washington,
the peace talks
standing still in Paris,
and Dean Martin still
standing, incredibly.
- This is Dan Rowan in
East St. Louis, North Dakota.
- And Dick Martin in West
Covina, South Carolina.
And now for the
news, here's Dickie.
- Washington, D.C. spokesman
in the Pentagon yesterday
defended the controversial
F-111 fighter plane saying,
"Sure, it cost way more
than it should have,
"but look at it this way,
the United States now has
"the finest airplane
on the ground today."
(audience laughs)
- Washington, D.C., 1972,
Democrat John Connally,
appointed last year as
Secretary of the Treasury
by President Nixon was
fired today after only one year
in office, when the
administration declared,
"See, in only one year, a
Democrat has managed
"to create all the economic
problems of the last five."
(audience laughs)
- News of the future,
five years from now.
The nationwide use of
television telephones produced
an unusual phenomenon,
when the Nielson Ratings service
revealed that this year's
top 10 television shows
were all obscene phone calls.
(audience laughs)
The three networks immediately
made firm offers to the callers.
- This information
ended NBC's plans
to put a bra on the peacock.
(audience laughs)
- However, CBS still intends
to put a blindfold
over it's eye.
(audience laughs)
- I guess ABC is still looking.
(audience laughs)
New York, 1976, crowds of people
in Manhattan bordered on
hysteria when they looked up
and saw an unidentified object.
Panic was averted,
however, when it was revealed
that the unidentified
object was the sun.
(audience laughs)
- Today, President
Nixon stated once again
that his economic program
is going exactly on schedule.
For a reaction to this,
we take you to the New
York Stock Exchange
for a word from
our financial expert.
- Goodbye.
(audience laughs)
- This is Nancy Bickerson,
your cute reporter
from Washington, D.C.,
talking to a spokesman
from the Department
of Defense regarding
recent developments in Cambodia.
Sir, according to the
Cooper-Church Amendment,
there were to be no American
combat troops in Cambodia.
- Well, that is correct,
all we have there
are military equipment
delivery teams.
They don't even
wear military uniforms
and they're not going to fight.
- But isn't that how things
got going in Vietnam?
All you sent was advisors
and they wound up fighting.
- Well, we couldn't help it.
We warned the enemy,
don't start up with us.
(audience laughs)
- But you sent what
you called instructors,
and they also wound up fighting.
- Well, we couldn't help it,
we warned the enemy,
don't start up with us.
(audience laughs)
- But doesn't it sound like
the same thing all over again?
Instead of advisors,
or instructors,
you're just calling them military
equipment delivery teams.
How do you guys at
the Pentagon know
they won't also
wind up fighting?
- Look, I'm warning
you, don't start up with us.
(audience laughs)
- But sir, it now
seems to many people
that this is merely
a verbal disguise
to conceal the possibility
of American troops
fighting in Cambodia.
- What's the matter with you?
You want everybody to know?
Come on.
- Maybe that
wouldn't be a bad idea.
- Now, for news of the past.
- Easy for him to say.
- For news of Hollywood,
here's Laugh-In's answer
to Joyce Haber, Busy Buzzi.
- Hi. (laughs)
This is Ruth Buzzi
from glamour town
with this heartwarming story.
103-year-old silent
screen star, Bessie Tweets,
today married
her former director,
105-year-old, Josh Golden.
It was a charming,
old-fashioned Hollywood wedding,
right down to the tin cans
tied to back of the ambulance.
(laughs)
Ta-ta from Tinseltown.
Kissy, kissy. (laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Hey, that was
Wilt Chamberlain.
It must be time now for
Laugh-Ins sports analyst
and home economics expert,
the man penalized most often
for illegal use of his
hands, our own, Big Al.
- Hi, Big Al here.
(rings)
Oh, I love that bell.
Basketball giant,
Wilt Chamberlain,
stumbled during yesterday's game
with the New York Knicks.
We'll bring you further
reports as soon as hits ground.
- There's another
joke about my height.
I've had it up to here
with jokes about my height.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, poor baby, thud, thud.
I hate to see that.
And here's our report
from the Dodgers'
spring training headquarters.
- [Both] Best spring
training I've ever had.
- Anyway, this is Big
Al, ringing my chimes
to tell you sports
buffs to get in there
and win one for
the groper. (laughs)
- That's gipper.
(laughs)
- Well, you play your
games and we'll play ours.
(audience laughs)
Ta-ta, sports buffs.
Groper, honey.
- Very interesting, but too
noisy and Ruthie. (laughs)
Also, so stupid.
(audience laughs)
- It's a well-known fact
that today the dollar is worth
only 73 cents and
is steadily declining.
If this trend continues,
it will not be long
before the dollar is
worth scarcely a nickel.
For an analysis of this
situation, come in, Eric Clarified.
- It stands to reason
that if the dollar
is only worth a nickel, then
the nickel is worth a dollar,
therefore, all we'll have
to do is rename the nickel,
the dollar, and we're right
back where we started from.
In closing, I'd like
to coin a new phrase,
never take a wooden dollar.
Thank you.
- I wouldn't take a
nickel for that yo-yo.
(audience laughs)
But it's funny the way
I did it before, I swear.
(audience laughs)
I swear I wouldn't
take a nickel.
(audience laughs)
I mean it.
Listen, Mom, if you're
watching tonight,
I don't do this often.
La-Da-Di-Da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news Ooh.
(applause)
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
(playful orchestral music)
- I'm Susie Sorority
from the silent majority.
Gee, Freddy, it's
really nice of you
to take me here after the prom.
- Oh, it's nothing.
May I hold your hand?
- No.
- Oh.
- Is monsieur,
madame, ready to order?
- Oh, oui, I'd like the
pommes de terre frites,
un verre de viande.
- I'll have the same.
- That's two orders of french
fries and a glass of meat.
(audience laughs)
- Well, c'est si bon.
- Okay, si bon.
Rah.
(playful orchestral music)
(creaking)
- Wait a minute, fellows,
we've gotta go back.
I forgot to wear a slip.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Square Records presents a
once-in-a-lifetime
offer, listen to this.
Of course, you
recognize that old classic,
it's just one of the 75 all-time
greatest kazoo favorites
as performed by Yachi,
the hummer, Foonan.
If you were to try and buy
these records separately
in the store, you'd probably
be asked to pay $150.
But if you act now, you may
get a part in Broadway play,
so call now for only 10.95.
Okay, you've talked
me down to 6.95.
So, order right
now, remember 3.95.
This offer expires
January 15, 1986.
And now back to
tonight's late show.
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho Hee
hee hee, hoo hoo hoo
Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, ha
- Movie cliche number
one, rotten kid, take 12.
- Look at you, you playboy.
You're worthless, you're a bum.
You're no son of mine.
- That's no news, Mother
told me that years old.
(playful orchestral music)
(bells ringing)
(crunching)
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
(moves into upbeat
pop rock music)
- Time to shape up,
America, as Laugh-In proudly
brings back the voice of
reason, the warm and winsome,
the adorable, General
Bull Right, retread.
- That's retired, retired.
(audience laughs)
Hi there.
I want you to get that man's
name, put him on report.
Okay, America, it's
shape up or ship out.
Bull Right here once again.
Yep, comin' to ya right out of
retirement in my trophy room.
Ah, they tried to keep me off,
those commie pinko weirdos,
but I'm proud to say I'm
back and I'm gonna stay back,
and I'm comin' to
you every week.
Yep, it's the same old Bull,
righter than ever.
Brought to you on behalf
of the Hard Hats of America.
Good boys, remember, under
every hard hat beats a hard head.
Now hear this, some of
these anemic, bleeding hearts
are saying we ought to reduce
our troop strength in Europe.
Pussy-footing poppycock!
Fine, if we bring our
army back from Europe,
who's gonna protect
those foreign countries?
A bunch of
foreigners, that's who.
Well, that's it for tonight.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Be sure to read my new book,
"Sexual Freedom on Bivouac".
That's one way to
get more enlistments.
(audience laughs)
- General Bull Right, I love you
as much as President Agnew.
(tapping)
- Put that trooper on report.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Good evening
friends of good eating.
Amy Vandergilt here.
Tonight, we deal with chicken.
I have often been asked,
"Is chicken a finger food?"
Oh, (laughs) heavens yes.
The digits are delightful
when dining on foul.
So, when having
chicken, do not be afraid
to plunge right in, hands first,
even if it is Chicken A La King.
(audience laughs)
- Wilt. (laughs)
Wilt, what's the hardest thing
for you to do in basketball.
- Tie my shoes.
(laughs)
- Come with me,
you little beauty.
- Oh, Mr. Connors, how
can I break into the movies?
- Well, first you get a crowbar
and a big stick of dynamite.
And be sure to wear
that mask you're wearing.
(thumps)
(audience laughs)
- More about that later, please.
- Ta-Da!
- Tonight, our Whoopee Award
goes to the American women
for the great service they have
performed for American men.
- I think you better tell 'em
the service you're talking
about before we have
a little problem here.
- Well, I'm talking about
what they've done
with their skirts.
- Well, (laughs) now
we do have a problem.
Dick's referring to what
those little beauties have done
in resisting the pressures
of the fashion industry
to get them to
lower their hemlines.
- Right, and women got tired
of having new styles crammed
down their throats, down
their legs, and over their knees.
- Yes, so ladies, for
expressing your views
and improving
ours, we salute you.
- And when we see you
walking down the streets
without your midi-skirts,
we'll all jump up and
shout, "Whoopee!"
- And that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
- And that's why we thay.
- Speed kills.
- Yeth, thir.
- (laughs) You
can say that again.
(laughs)
- She's a nice lady,
and that's the truth.
(playful orchestral music)
More and more people
today are interested in ESP,
that's the study of
extrasensory perception. (laughs)
And now, there's a lot of people
who don't think it's possible,
this telepathic quality.
But not America's most
extrasensory couple,
Clarence and Clara Voyant.
- Yes, I guess you're right.
Hi, honey, I'm glad you're home.
I'm just talking to...
- Yes, I know, say hello
to your mother for me.
- I already did.
I have to go, Mother,
Clarence is home.
Long-stemmed yellow carnations.
- I'm glad you like them.
- Oh, actually, you bought
them for me because...
- Now, that's ridiculous,
I'm only trying.
Why should I
feel guilty about...
- Oh, but you're taking your
secretary out to lunch again...
- I'm trying to
convince her that if...
- Yeah, but she won't,
she's already having it...
- But not with me...
- I forgive you, darling.
- I knew you would.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Yes, I did.
- I knew you would.
Oh, it's for you.
(phone ringing)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, Herbie.
- Movie cliche number 68,
western shootout, take 12.
- Draw.
(audience laughs)
- Not that cliche, this cliche.
- Well, that about wraps it up.
Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, before I do,
I wonder if you'd like
to hear what my aunt
said when she found herself
in a gas-filled
room, 50,000 feet up
with a Peruvian llama herder.
- Oh, come on now.
I've told you that I
want you to refrain
from bringing your aunt up.
- I didn't bring her up, this
Peruvian llama herder did.
(audience laughs)
Got her up with a Peruvian net.
- What's a Peruvian net?
- About eight cents an hour.
(laughs)
So, there they were.
- There they were.
- 50,000 feet up.
- Hold it.
Now just a minute,
I told you you can't
keep mentioning
your aunt all the time.
I'm willin' to bet you 50
bucks you can't say goodnight
without mentioning your aunt.
- Bet I can.
- Bet you can't.
50 bucks.
- Okay.
- Here's mine, ante up.
- Oh, ante up, not
only was auntie up,
but this llama herder
tried to push her out.
You should have
heard what she said.
- You got me again.
Why do I keep getting
myself into messes like this?
- Funny, that's exactly
what my aunt said.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(gun fires)
(applause)
Wait a minute, I'm ricocheting.
- Hey, you know Bing
Crosby had such a hit
with his record of
"White Christmas",
I hear Sammy Davis is going
to do one called
"Black Hanukkah".
- I know a man with
religious convictions.
He was sent up three times
for stealing money
from the church.
- I did a landscape painting
of downtown Burbank
that is so lifelike,
it's attracting flies.
(audience laughs)
- Our gang threw a beach party
and we all brought
our own surf broads.
- That's surfboards.
- You go to your
party, we'll go to ours.
(audience laughs)
- I just love it down here.
You know, I'm all aglow.
- Gosh, I can hear that again.
- You know, I'm lost, am I next?
- No, you're Dennis.
- Here, these are finished.
- Hey, Dan.
Dan, what's the most
attractive part of a chicken?
- How do I know,
Dick? I'm not a rooster.
- She asked me.
- Who axed ya?
- I axed him.
- No, he axed me.
- No, I'm sorry.
- You're Dennis.
- And I'm Lily.
- No, you're next.
- My friend got her head caught
in a machine at the laundromat.
- Oh, that's horrible,
what happened?
- Brainwashed.
- The trouble with
the generation gap is
that the older people feel
the younger people
aren't committed.
And the younger people feel
the older people should be.
- Hey, you know something, Dick?
One good thing
about being fat is
that it gives you
something to fall back on.
- Ann, what shall I do?
I mean, all the time,
men are throwing
themselves at my feet.
- Well, for openers, Barbara,
why don't you try
standing on your head?
- Right this way down.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(bells ringing)
(playful orchestral music)
(humming)
- And they said it
couldn't be done.
(audience laughs)
Laugh-In keeps 'em laughin'
Laughin' lights, a
life full of laughter
Giggles ringin' up to a rafter
Actors, crew, and staff
Wanna hand the world
a Ha ha ha, ho ho ho,
Hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo
Always hand the world a laugh
(applause)
(playful orchestral music)
- At last, it's time
for a little drinky poo.
- And that's the truth.
(clapping)
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
- Here in California, we have
so many show business people
playing politics that I thought
it might be a nice change
for you to see
what a real politician
looks like playing
show business.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, Mr. Connors, I
know you've been doing a lot
of movies and TV shows,
but tell me the truth,
how do you feel about the stage?
- Well, I've always
felt they give you
a terribly bumpy ride.
(audience laughs)
- Tall and embarrassing.
(audience laughs)
Always keep 'em laughing
Give the gang a giggle to go on
Give the world a
chuckle to grow on
Give the gang a grand yell
Always enter jokin'
Never leave till you
get the punchline
Try to find the best
of the bunch line
That's the way to win
We think a ha ha
ha, and a ho ho ho
Are better than a boo hoo hoo
We think a grumpy
face and a furrowed brow
Are bound to be the death of you
We do Always keep 'em laughin
Try to find the
side that is funny
Even jokes are baggy and funny
Cut your cares in half
Always have a world of laughs
(applause)
- Oh, you wanna laugh?
I'll tell you something funny.
I went to a party last night,
and this gorgeous
girl followed me
all the way home
to my apartment.
- There's nothing
funny about that.
- You know something?
That's just what my wife said.
(laughs)
- I watched a show at
ABC yesterday. (laughs)
the entire audience
laughed so hard (laughs)
he fell out of
his seat. (laughs)
- You talk about
comedians bombing.
I know a guy who was so bad
he went to the zoo one
day, and the hyenna cried.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you something,
if you'll just look upward and
let a smile be your umbrella,
you're gonna watch
the mascara run right
down your little cheeks.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that's about as funny as
the Knights of Columbus
parade in Tel Aviv.
(laughs)
- You take away all
the laughter in the world,
and what have you got?
- Hee Haw.
(audience laughs)
We think a rah rah rah
and a siss boom bah
Are better than a
hiss or boo, yes we do
We think a hateful
pan or a sourpuss
Can really put an
end to you That's true
Always keep 'em laughin'
Laughter digs up
fabulous treasures
Laugh-In lets in
limitless pleasures
Like a tall giraffe
Always give the world a laugh.
(laughs)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National
Bilious Company
takes a couple of
anti-acid commercials
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the totally
straight-forward, Dan Rowan,
and the slightly
backward, Dick Martin,
and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, Lily Tomlin,
and Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
and the active ankles
of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this message
about facial peeling
from painful sunburn.
It's no skin off my nose.
(audience laughs)
- Our first home-cooked meal.
I'm so glad you liked it, dear.
- Oh, I'll say.
- Now, what did
you like the most,
the chicken fat cookies or
the pickles with orange sauce?
- That's stoic.
- Now, come on,
what was it, dear?
The oyster stroganoff or
the chocolate sauerkraut?
- Well, to tell you the truth,
I think it was all
that alka-belcher.
- Mr. Capote.
How do you feel about
the invasion of your privacy?
- That question's already
an invasion of my privacy.
- For heaven's sakes.
- Next question.
- Can I ask anything?
I mean, anything at all?
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.
- What's the capital
of North Dakota?
- About $4.95, gotcha!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you sure did.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Movie cliche number
14, fortune hunter take 12.
(audience laughs)
- Mary Ellen, I
will prove to you
that this man is nothing
but a fortune hunter.
I will give you
$50,000 if you will stay
away from my daughter.
What do you say?
- Throw in another $5,000
and I'll stay away
from your wife, also.
(playful orchestral music)
- This year, why
don't you give a friend
a gift that keeps on giving?
(laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- I think three of the most
important Mexican holidays
are the Day of
Mexican Independence,
the day we defeated
the invading French Army,
and the day we got
rid of the Frito Bandito.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
in all my screen career
playing a gunfighter, the
most important rule I learned
about firearms is that you
should never bring 'em out
unless you mean to fire 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wish that rule applied
to the two hotshots I'm
about to bring out now.
Here they are, Dead-eye Dan
Rowan, and Dead Dick Martin.
(applause)
- Good evening.
- Obviously, they
thought I was Bob Steele.
- I gotta tell you, you
just look ridiculous.
- You smile when
you say that, partner.
- It's all I can do to keep
from laughing out loud.
You're not going to tell
me you're a cowboy?
- Well, no, sir, you'll
just have to guess.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, you're a cowboy.
- Funny you should
mention cowboys.
- Isn't it strange?
- I was just reading up on
famous names in Western history.
- You're a fount
of wisdom there.
- Yes, yes.
- Facts.
- Did you know, for instance,
that Billy the Kid was
really 84 years old?
- Why did they call him the Kid?
- 'Cause he was
only three foot, four.
(audience laughs)
- Just a little
squirt, wasn't he?
- Hush, Billy
hears you say that,
he'll shoot your
right in the kneecap.
(audience laughs)
- I'll be careful.
- Of course, Doc Holiday,
he came by his
name kinda naturally.
- He was a real doctor?
- No, he played golf
every Wednesday.
(audience laughs)
- I don't wanna hear
anymore of this nonsense.
- Okay, but wouldn't you like to
know about Wyatt Henderson?
- You mean, Wyatt Earp?
- No, no, that's where
history went wrong, you see...
- His name wasn't Earp?
- No, every time someone
asked Wyatt his name,
he had just come out of
a Mexican restaurant, urp.
(audience laughs)
- Natural mistake.
- And then there was
Pecos Bruce, the rustler.
- Pecos Bruce, the rustler?
Pecos Bruce?
- Why sure,
everyone's heard of him.
He wore taffeta chaps.
(audience laughs)
- Taffeta chaps?
- Funny, so does blue denim.
(audience laughs)
- In the first
place, it's chaps.
- Oh, whatever turns you on.
- Any other cowboy heroes
you wanna tell us about
before we go on with the show?
- Well, actually, no
western is complete
without a Wild Bill.
- What's a Wild Bill?
- Oh, anything over
15 cents a beer.
(audience laughs)
I got you then.
- It's time for the
quickies, and as for you,
get out of here like
a cavalry charge.
- What's a cavalry charge?
- How about a
buck-and-a-half a horse?
- He got me! He got me!
(playful orchestral music)
- Hey, the James' boys
are heading this way.
I need five volunteers.
Make it four volunteers.
Give me three volunteers.
I'd like a frozen daquiri?
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- So, you're 26443.
Funny, you don't look Jewish.
(audience laughs)
- For my next number,
I'd like to do 26443.
(audience laughs)
- I'll drink to that.
- That was contestant
number 24, little Randi Farr
holding her breath
to the theme song
from Victory At Sea.
- So far, they have
been reasonably tasteful.
(playful orchestral music)
- Hello, there, I am a mummy.
And a mummy is
an Egyptian mother.
Thank you and good night.
(playful orchestral music)
- Time now for
Laugh-In's Story Lady,
who will tell you a story.
- An elephant
once said to a bird,
"Look at me, I am huge
and big and terrifying.
"And you are small and
puny and insignifcant."
And the bird said, "Well,
if that's the way you feel
"about it, get out of my nest."
(audience laughs)
- How about a little drinky poo?
That'd be terrific.
(slurps)
(laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Oh, you're a fancy gun
handler, I'll tell you that.
- Watch that, boy.
- Lookit there,
don't drop it now.
- No, sir.
This gun was used by my
Uncle Bronco for quick draw.
- I imagine in his day,
that'd come in handy.
- Well, it sure came
in handy the time
there was a holdup at the bank.
- Ah.
- Uncle Bronco walked
right up to the cashier
and pointed the gun, he
said, "Quick, draw $2,000."
(audience laughs)
- Quick draw, all right,
really came in handy.
- Well, I must say the
2,000 was a lot of help, too.
It helped pay his
bail, you know.
- Quick Draw Bronco.
- Quick Draw Bronco.
- I'd like to hear more
about Pecos Bruce.
(laughs)
Always keep 'em laughin'
Give the group a
chuckle to grow on
- To my President, Mr. Agnew,
your speeches
are so intelligent,
why they're talked
about each day.
For I always hear
my friends remark,
"What did that man just say?"
(audience laughs)
(tapping)
(playful orchestral music)
- You know, I'd like
to take this opportunity
to apologize to calling
Jacqueline Susanne,
the way I did on television,
a truck driver in drag.
- Oh, well, I can tell you that
that should make Miss
Susanne very happy.
- Well, I wasn't
apologizing to her,
I was apologizing to
all the truck drivers.
(audience laughs)
- Well, come on,
Truman, now it was kind
of a mean thing to say.
- Yes, and I am sorry.
- Because you hurt her feelings?
- No, because now
she won't tell me
all the good places
to eat on Route 66.
(audience laughs)
- Movie cliche number
eight, young love, take 12.
- Now, I see all of us
as like leaves on a tree.
We have separate stems
but we all need the same rain.
I guess you think that's
kinda silly, don't you?
- No, it's not
silly, it's moronic.
(audience laughs)
- And that's the truth.
- Wilt, is it uncomfortable
for you to sit
in the back seat of the car?
- Not if I'm driving.
- Oh, let's go!
- This is a poem.
He held me in his arms,
what could I do but linger,
I ran my fingers
through his hair,
and a cootie bit my finger.
(audience laughs)
- And now, let's hear it for
America's most lovable lushes,
the Swizzles, where are you?
(audience laughs)
- Hey listen, it's
Saturday night.
What'd you say we have a
couple of drinks before dinner?
- Terrific.
When do you wanna have dinner?
- How about Thursday?
(laughs)
- [Dan] What'll it be?
- Make it two quarts
of your finest Muscatel.
- I'll have the same.
(laughs)
You know what?
You're really a nice guy.
- I'll drink to that.
- And I enjoy drinkin' with you.
- I'll drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
- Wait a minute, she
didn't say anything.
- I know that, I didn't
wanna break my rhythm.
(laughs)
- I love that, Thursday.
- I think I spilled some.
(playful orchestral music)
- The regularly scheduled
program, Celebrity Drinking,
will not be seen tonight,
because we're ashamed of it.
- [Audience] Aw!
- Hello, folks.
Chaplain Bud Humley
here with a thought for today.
As down the road
of life you walk,
let this thought be your goal.
Keep your eye upon the doughnut,
not upon the hole.
(clanging)
We think a ha ha ha and ho ho ho
Are better than a boo hoo hoo
- When I started makin' movies,
you could get into
the theater for a nickel.
Today, it costs a dime
just to get to the restroom.
Money has become a
way of life these days,
but it still can't buy friends.
However, it sure
pays for the rent.
- Where do you stand of
the question of nudity in films?
- What do you mean, stand?
I sit, and right down front.
(audience laughs)
- Shall we go to the movies?
- Rivers and lakes in America
have become so polluted.
Whenever friends of mine
come up from Mexico to visit me,
I warn them not
to eat the water.
(audience laughs)
- [TV Announcer] Reporting
ladies and gentlemen,
the Dodgers are leading New
York by a score of two to one.
Bottom of the ninth.
All right, here's the windup,
the pitch, Jones swings,
he hits a long, long drive,
going way over the fence
(glass breaking)
and out of the park.
The longest baseball ever hit.
(glass breaking)
There he goes,
he's rounding first,
he's rounding third
and coming in to score.
Oh no, it's fantastic,
here comes the ball.
The catcher's got it,
Jones is out at the plate.
What a throw.
- Playing catch and we won!
(laughs)
(knocking)
- Yes?
- Excuse me, good Samaritan.
- Yes.
- But down yonder,
my car broke down.
- Uh huh.
- I wonder if I might
come in for a second
and borrow your wife.
- Huh? (laughs)
- Actually, in Los Angeles,
we don't campaign
like other politicians.
Here, each candidate
does a television special
and the one with the highest
ratings wins the election.
(audience laughs)
- May I help you, sir?
- Oh yes, is the druggist here?
- I am the druggist,
what do you need?
- Well, is there a male
sales clerk I could talk to?
- No, I've run this
business alone for 25 years.
Don't be embarrassed,
I've heard everything.
Now, what is your problem?
- Well, I suffer from a constant
driving need for romance.
Is there anything you
can give me for that?
- How about $2,000 and a
half interest in the business?
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
(gonging)
- Yes, what is it?
- Avon calling.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Many of the proceeds
from tonight's show go
to the state home for the dull.
- I know this is a
foolish question,
but what are you
doing in that getup?
- Well, it's not such
a foolish question.
- My mistake.
- I suppose you're wondering
what I'm doing in this getup.
- The thought had
crossed my mind.
- You see, it's
all a part of this
do-it-yourself
course I'm taking.
- Oh, that sounds
very interesting.
- It does?
Well, maybe I better
look into it myself.
- Well, you're already
taking the course.
You said you were
taking a course.
- Oh, in that case, let me
tell you more about it then.
- I'm all ears.
- I might be able
to fix that for you.
Let's see, ears, ears.
Now, if you were all legs,
I might make a cute
little end table outta ya.
- What else can you make
besides cute little end tables?
- Well, some bigger and
more expensive things.
For instance, $100,000 yacht.
- Oh yeah?
- A $200,000 home.
- No kidding?
- A beautiful blonde woman.
- Where do you get a
beautiful blonde woman?
- Well, there's nothin' to it.
First of all, you see, you
make the $100,000 yacht.
Then you make the $200,000
home, and the rest is easy.
(laughs)
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho Hee
hee hee, hoo hoo hoo
Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, ha
You know, actually
considering the multifarious
ex-jealousies♪♪ occluding
the imponderable of fulminations
of an exorable exhumilary
I have every cognises
of the proximal eminence
of the station break.
Man, I wish I had said that.
(audience laughs)
- After that, let's have
a little drinky poo, huh?
(playful orchestral music)
- Truman, do you like Cleveland?
- Amory, yes, Ohio, no.
(audience laughs)
- You better be careful,
they won't let you
walk on Lake Erie.
(laughs)
Laugh-In keeps 'em laughin'
If you want a
giggle that's hearty
Come along,
let's go to the party
You might have some fun
(upbeat pop rock music)
- I have this doctor friend
who became confused
during the transplant operation,
got a pacemaker mixed
up with a transistor radio.
- Did the patient live?
- No, he died, but he died
With a song in his heart
(upbeat pop rock music)
- A good secretary is
like a good mailman.
She's got to know when
to stop sitting around,
and when to start delivering.
(upbeat pop rock music)
(shouts)
- The other day, I broke
up a gay liberation riot,
and charged five of them with
assault with a deadly purse.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- You know, John, President
Agnew may not be doing
as much campaigning
in the future
since the last election
when Mr. Nixon
sent him to stump California.
And he did.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Listen, why don't we
go up to my place later
and fool around a little?
- Why don't we go up
to my place right now
and fool around a lot?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop rock music)
- The government's
policy of paying farmers
to grow nothing must be
working because that's exactly
what a lot of poor
people have for dinner.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- (laughs) flat as a
board, no offense.
Let me see this, well
now, that's good news.
(laughs)
Oh, confidentially though,
tell me, when are you due?
- What do I do?
- No, no, no, no,
when are you due?
I know what you do.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Hey, Boomer here.
Yesterday, I played
tennis with Mama Cass.
It's amazing how that woman
can cover the entire court.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- I just turned down
a part in a new movie.
It's a touching love
story, but the script called
for a little too much touching.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Mr. Horneigh.
- Yeah.
- You are a lecherous,
depraved degenerate.
- Yeah, (laughs) is
that a condemnation
or a request for my
companionship? (laughs)
- Oh, how revolting
and tasteless.
(audience laughs)
- Muy interesante.
- Hold it, amigo, what
are you doing in my bush?
- Listen, my little
chihuahua, I'm taking over.
- A chihuahua, a dachshund
maybe, a chihuahua never.
Now, get out of my
bush, men-sum-pental.
- My name is Montalban,
Ricardo Montalban.
- You do and you'll
have to clean it up.
(audience laughs)
- You're very cute,
aren't you, Wolfgang?
- Well, a little bit.
- Listen, when you get to
Frankfurt, don't drink the beer.
- There you go, Montal-the-bomb.
Always with the don't
drink the beer jokes.
- Well, I'm sorry, Wolfgang,
if I've offended you.
There is nothing wrong with you
that couldn't be fixed
with a little height.
- If you're such a big man,
why didn't you beat Cortez?
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're privileged to have one
of the world's great men
of letters with us tonight.
- Our guest has written
award-winning short stories,
novels, articles,
screenplays, and plays
for the Broadway stage,
Mr. Truman Capote.
(applause)
- Imagine to have done all
that and ended up on Laugh-In.
(laughs)
- That is a comedown.
- Mr. Capote, writers such
as Norman Mailer, Gore Vidal
have, at least they've said
that they write thousands
of words sometime in one day.
And I understand that
sometimes you will work all day
and write one or two words.
- Yes, but they're
the right words.
(laughs)
- You're one of the
country's most brilliant authors
and I mean that seriously.
One of our truly
delightful raconteurs.
- Yes, you left out I'm
charming, witty, and very cute.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, do you
know any jokes?
- I do, my lawyer asked me not
to discuss the administration.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Do you watch
much television, Mr. Capote?
- No, I don't.
- You probably don't know
who he is then, do you?
(laughs)
- In your opinion, what
is the funniest thing
that Spiro Agnew ever said?
- Mercifully, I can't remember
anything the man ever said.
(laughs)
- You wrote "Breakfast At
Tiffany's" about New York City.
What do you think you'd
write about the city of Burbank?
(laughs)
- I think you're right.
If they ever filmed
your life story,
who would you think
should play the lead,
if John Wayne isn't available?
- I'm sure Marlon Brando
would like a crack at it,
just to get even with me.
(audience laughs)
- What do you think
about Governor Wallace?
- I try not to.
(laughs)
(applause)
- This isn't really
the sort of thing
you do every day in
your life, Mr. Capote.
How do you feel about
being on Laugh-In?
- I'd much rather be sitting
home with a good book,
or even somebody who's read one.
(laughs)
- Mr. Capote, we want
to thank you very much
for gracing our
rather raucous stage
with your dignified presence.
It's been a pleasure
chatting with you.
- Thank you, I
enjoyed it very much.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- [Dan] Thanks for coming
on, Mr. Truman Capote.
(applause)
- All right, quiet,
quiet, quiet on the set.
We want to get in position for
the cloudburst scene, please.
- Wait a minute.
- Special effects man, stand by.
- No, you don't.
(laughs)
- All right, cut.
Oh, come on, why, why?
- Why not, you little beauty.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Movie cliche number
70, War World I, take 12.
Over here, over here
- No, no, you mean over there.
- You go where you
want, I'll go where I want.
(laughs)
Over here, over here
- Then you take the bottom bunk.
- Gosh, you can't have any
fun in the service anymore.
(audience laughs)
- Mayor Yorty, would you
like to be president some day?
- I'll tell ya, Dick, no,
because I don't wanna
be involved in
politics, I'd rather travel.
- And now, the winner for the
1944 Downbeat Pole Award
for Unemployment.
(cabaret music)
Hello, boys, how
do ya feel (yawns)
Don't those muscles
look harder than steel
(yawns)
Put your arms around me, dearies
What can ya lose
Why don't you come up
and sneak a peak at the news
You're a cutie,
you're really the best
If you leave us,
we'll follow you, West
Oh, sock it to me
You've got so much sex appeal
You're breakin' the law
Why don't you come
up and la-da-di-da
Once I got ya, there's no escape
Tall, dark, and handsome
Peel me a grape
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- With Dan and Dick.
(applause)
- [Announcer] And now
for the Laugh-In news
with Liberace standing
by in Alpine County,
John Wayne standing
tall in the saddle,
Nixon standing
pat in Washington,
the peace talks
standing still in Paris,
and Dean Martin still
standing, incredibly.
- This is Dan Rowan in
East St. Louis, North Dakota.
- And Dick Martin in West
Covina, South Carolina.
And now for the
news, here's Dickie.
- Washington, D.C. spokesman
in the Pentagon yesterday
defended the controversial
F-111 fighter plane saying,
"Sure, it cost way more
than it should have,
"but look at it this way,
the United States now has
"the finest airplane
on the ground today."
(audience laughs)
- Washington, D.C., 1972,
Democrat John Connally,
appointed last year as
Secretary of the Treasury
by President Nixon was
fired today after only one year
in office, when the
administration declared,
"See, in only one year, a
Democrat has managed
"to create all the economic
problems of the last five."
(audience laughs)
- News of the future,
five years from now.
The nationwide use of
television telephones produced
an unusual phenomenon,
when the Nielson Ratings service
revealed that this year's
top 10 television shows
were all obscene phone calls.
(audience laughs)
The three networks immediately
made firm offers to the callers.
- This information
ended NBC's plans
to put a bra on the peacock.
(audience laughs)
- However, CBS still intends
to put a blindfold
over it's eye.
(audience laughs)
- I guess ABC is still looking.
(audience laughs)
New York, 1976, crowds of people
in Manhattan bordered on
hysteria when they looked up
and saw an unidentified object.
Panic was averted,
however, when it was revealed
that the unidentified
object was the sun.
(audience laughs)
- Today, President
Nixon stated once again
that his economic program
is going exactly on schedule.
For a reaction to this,
we take you to the New
York Stock Exchange
for a word from
our financial expert.
- Goodbye.
(audience laughs)
- This is Nancy Bickerson,
your cute reporter
from Washington, D.C.,
talking to a spokesman
from the Department
of Defense regarding
recent developments in Cambodia.
Sir, according to the
Cooper-Church Amendment,
there were to be no American
combat troops in Cambodia.
- Well, that is correct,
all we have there
are military equipment
delivery teams.
They don't even
wear military uniforms
and they're not going to fight.
- But isn't that how things
got going in Vietnam?
All you sent was advisors
and they wound up fighting.
- Well, we couldn't help it.
We warned the enemy,
don't start up with us.
(audience laughs)
- But you sent what
you called instructors,
and they also wound up fighting.
- Well, we couldn't help it,
we warned the enemy,
don't start up with us.
(audience laughs)
- But doesn't it sound like
the same thing all over again?
Instead of advisors,
or instructors,
you're just calling them military
equipment delivery teams.
How do you guys at
the Pentagon know
they won't also
wind up fighting?
- Look, I'm warning
you, don't start up with us.
(audience laughs)
- But sir, it now
seems to many people
that this is merely
a verbal disguise
to conceal the possibility
of American troops
fighting in Cambodia.
- What's the matter with you?
You want everybody to know?
Come on.
- Maybe that
wouldn't be a bad idea.
- Now, for news of the past.
- Easy for him to say.
- For news of Hollywood,
here's Laugh-In's answer
to Joyce Haber, Busy Buzzi.
- Hi. (laughs)
This is Ruth Buzzi
from glamour town
with this heartwarming story.
103-year-old silent
screen star, Bessie Tweets,
today married
her former director,
105-year-old, Josh Golden.
It was a charming,
old-fashioned Hollywood wedding,
right down to the tin cans
tied to back of the ambulance.
(laughs)
Ta-ta from Tinseltown.
Kissy, kissy. (laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Hey, that was
Wilt Chamberlain.
It must be time now for
Laugh-Ins sports analyst
and home economics expert,
the man penalized most often
for illegal use of his
hands, our own, Big Al.
- Hi, Big Al here.
(rings)
Oh, I love that bell.
Basketball giant,
Wilt Chamberlain,
stumbled during yesterday's game
with the New York Knicks.
We'll bring you further
reports as soon as hits ground.
- There's another
joke about my height.
I've had it up to here
with jokes about my height.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, poor baby, thud, thud.
I hate to see that.
And here's our report
from the Dodgers'
spring training headquarters.
- [Both] Best spring
training I've ever had.
- Anyway, this is Big
Al, ringing my chimes
to tell you sports
buffs to get in there
and win one for
the groper. (laughs)
- That's gipper.
(laughs)
- Well, you play your
games and we'll play ours.
(audience laughs)
Ta-ta, sports buffs.
Groper, honey.
- Very interesting, but too
noisy and Ruthie. (laughs)
Also, so stupid.
(audience laughs)
- It's a well-known fact
that today the dollar is worth
only 73 cents and
is steadily declining.
If this trend continues,
it will not be long
before the dollar is
worth scarcely a nickel.
For an analysis of this
situation, come in, Eric Clarified.
- It stands to reason
that if the dollar
is only worth a nickel, then
the nickel is worth a dollar,
therefore, all we'll have
to do is rename the nickel,
the dollar, and we're right
back where we started from.
In closing, I'd like
to coin a new phrase,
never take a wooden dollar.
Thank you.
- I wouldn't take a
nickel for that yo-yo.
(audience laughs)
But it's funny the way
I did it before, I swear.
(audience laughs)
I swear I wouldn't
take a nickel.
(audience laughs)
I mean it.
Listen, Mom, if you're
watching tonight,
I don't do this often.
La-Da-Di-Da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news Ooh.
(applause)
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
(playful orchestral music)
- I'm Susie Sorority
from the silent majority.
Gee, Freddy, it's
really nice of you
to take me here after the prom.
- Oh, it's nothing.
May I hold your hand?
- No.
- Oh.
- Is monsieur,
madame, ready to order?
- Oh, oui, I'd like the
pommes de terre frites,
un verre de viande.
- I'll have the same.
- That's two orders of french
fries and a glass of meat.
(audience laughs)
- Well, c'est si bon.
- Okay, si bon.
Rah.
(playful orchestral music)
(creaking)
- Wait a minute, fellows,
we've gotta go back.
I forgot to wear a slip.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Square Records presents a
once-in-a-lifetime
offer, listen to this.
Of course, you
recognize that old classic,
it's just one of the 75 all-time
greatest kazoo favorites
as performed by Yachi,
the hummer, Foonan.
If you were to try and buy
these records separately
in the store, you'd probably
be asked to pay $150.
But if you act now, you may
get a part in Broadway play,
so call now for only 10.95.
Okay, you've talked
me down to 6.95.
So, order right
now, remember 3.95.
This offer expires
January 15, 1986.
And now back to
tonight's late show.
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho Hee
hee hee, hoo hoo hoo
Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, ha
- Movie cliche number
one, rotten kid, take 12.
- Look at you, you playboy.
You're worthless, you're a bum.
You're no son of mine.
- That's no news, Mother
told me that years old.
(playful orchestral music)
(bells ringing)
(crunching)
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
(moves into upbeat
pop rock music)
- Time to shape up,
America, as Laugh-In proudly
brings back the voice of
reason, the warm and winsome,
the adorable, General
Bull Right, retread.
- That's retired, retired.
(audience laughs)
Hi there.
I want you to get that man's
name, put him on report.
Okay, America, it's
shape up or ship out.
Bull Right here once again.
Yep, comin' to ya right out of
retirement in my trophy room.
Ah, they tried to keep me off,
those commie pinko weirdos,
but I'm proud to say I'm
back and I'm gonna stay back,
and I'm comin' to
you every week.
Yep, it's the same old Bull,
righter than ever.
Brought to you on behalf
of the Hard Hats of America.
Good boys, remember, under
every hard hat beats a hard head.
Now hear this, some of
these anemic, bleeding hearts
are saying we ought to reduce
our troop strength in Europe.
Pussy-footing poppycock!
Fine, if we bring our
army back from Europe,
who's gonna protect
those foreign countries?
A bunch of
foreigners, that's who.
Well, that's it for tonight.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Be sure to read my new book,
"Sexual Freedom on Bivouac".
That's one way to
get more enlistments.
(audience laughs)
- General Bull Right, I love you
as much as President Agnew.
(tapping)
- Put that trooper on report.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Good evening
friends of good eating.
Amy Vandergilt here.
Tonight, we deal with chicken.
I have often been asked,
"Is chicken a finger food?"
Oh, (laughs) heavens yes.
The digits are delightful
when dining on foul.
So, when having
chicken, do not be afraid
to plunge right in, hands first,
even if it is Chicken A La King.
(audience laughs)
- Wilt. (laughs)
Wilt, what's the hardest thing
for you to do in basketball.
- Tie my shoes.
(laughs)
- Come with me,
you little beauty.
- Oh, Mr. Connors, how
can I break into the movies?
- Well, first you get a crowbar
and a big stick of dynamite.
And be sure to wear
that mask you're wearing.
(thumps)
(audience laughs)
- More about that later, please.
- Ta-Da!
- Tonight, our Whoopee Award
goes to the American women
for the great service they have
performed for American men.
- I think you better tell 'em
the service you're talking
about before we have
a little problem here.
- Well, I'm talking about
what they've done
with their skirts.
- Well, (laughs) now
we do have a problem.
Dick's referring to what
those little beauties have done
in resisting the pressures
of the fashion industry
to get them to
lower their hemlines.
- Right, and women got tired
of having new styles crammed
down their throats, down
their legs, and over their knees.
- Yes, so ladies, for
expressing your views
and improving
ours, we salute you.
- And when we see you
walking down the streets
without your midi-skirts,
we'll all jump up and
shout, "Whoopee!"
- And that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
- And that's why we thay.
- Speed kills.
- Yeth, thir.
- (laughs) You
can say that again.
(laughs)
- She's a nice lady,
and that's the truth.
(playful orchestral music)
More and more people
today are interested in ESP,
that's the study of
extrasensory perception. (laughs)
And now, there's a lot of people
who don't think it's possible,
this telepathic quality.
But not America's most
extrasensory couple,
Clarence and Clara Voyant.
- Yes, I guess you're right.
Hi, honey, I'm glad you're home.
I'm just talking to...
- Yes, I know, say hello
to your mother for me.
- I already did.
I have to go, Mother,
Clarence is home.
Long-stemmed yellow carnations.
- I'm glad you like them.
- Oh, actually, you bought
them for me because...
- Now, that's ridiculous,
I'm only trying.
Why should I
feel guilty about...
- Oh, but you're taking your
secretary out to lunch again...
- I'm trying to
convince her that if...
- Yeah, but she won't,
she's already having it...
- But not with me...
- I forgive you, darling.
- I knew you would.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Yes, I did.
- I knew you would.
Oh, it's for you.
(phone ringing)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, Herbie.
- Movie cliche number 68,
western shootout, take 12.
- Draw.
(audience laughs)
- Not that cliche, this cliche.
- Well, that about wraps it up.
Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, before I do,
I wonder if you'd like
to hear what my aunt
said when she found herself
in a gas-filled
room, 50,000 feet up
with a Peruvian llama herder.
- Oh, come on now.
I've told you that I
want you to refrain
from bringing your aunt up.
- I didn't bring her up, this
Peruvian llama herder did.
(audience laughs)
Got her up with a Peruvian net.
- What's a Peruvian net?
- About eight cents an hour.
(laughs)
So, there they were.
- There they were.
- 50,000 feet up.
- Hold it.
Now just a minute,
I told you you can't
keep mentioning
your aunt all the time.
I'm willin' to bet you 50
bucks you can't say goodnight
without mentioning your aunt.
- Bet I can.
- Bet you can't.
50 bucks.
- Okay.
- Here's mine, ante up.
- Oh, ante up, not
only was auntie up,
but this llama herder
tried to push her out.
You should have
heard what she said.
- You got me again.
Why do I keep getting
myself into messes like this?
- Funny, that's exactly
what my aunt said.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(gun fires)
(applause)
Wait a minute, I'm ricocheting.
- Hey, you know Bing
Crosby had such a hit
with his record of
"White Christmas",
I hear Sammy Davis is going
to do one called
"Black Hanukkah".
- I know a man with
religious convictions.
He was sent up three times
for stealing money
from the church.
- I did a landscape painting
of downtown Burbank
that is so lifelike,
it's attracting flies.
(audience laughs)
- Our gang threw a beach party
and we all brought
our own surf broads.
- That's surfboards.
- You go to your
party, we'll go to ours.
(audience laughs)
- I just love it down here.
You know, I'm all aglow.
- Gosh, I can hear that again.
- You know, I'm lost, am I next?
- No, you're Dennis.
- Here, these are finished.
- Hey, Dan.
Dan, what's the most
attractive part of a chicken?
- How do I know,
Dick? I'm not a rooster.
- She asked me.
- Who axed ya?
- I axed him.
- No, he axed me.
- No, I'm sorry.
- You're Dennis.
- And I'm Lily.
- No, you're next.
- My friend got her head caught
in a machine at the laundromat.
- Oh, that's horrible,
what happened?
- Brainwashed.
- The trouble with
the generation gap is
that the older people feel
the younger people
aren't committed.
And the younger people feel
the older people should be.
- Hey, you know something, Dick?
One good thing
about being fat is
that it gives you
something to fall back on.
- Ann, what shall I do?
I mean, all the time,
men are throwing
themselves at my feet.
- Well, for openers, Barbara,
why don't you try
standing on your head?
- Right this way down.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(bells ringing)
(playful orchestral music)
(humming)
- And they said it
couldn't be done.
(audience laughs)
Laugh-In keeps 'em laughin'
Laughin' lights, a
life full of laughter
Giggles ringin' up to a rafter
Actors, crew, and staff
Wanna hand the world
a Ha ha ha, ho ho ho,
Hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo
Always hand the world a laugh
(applause)
(playful orchestral music)
- At last, it's time
for a little drinky poo.
- And that's the truth.
(clapping)