Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 21 - Episode #4.21 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In, and-
- How do you do?
- That's a fine how-do-you-do.
- Oh, somebody'll be up to
do your nails in just a minute.
- Hi, Dinah.
- Hello Barbara.
- You know on your
show "Dinah's Place"
you do a lot of cooking.
- Yes, we do.
We go off the air for the
season and instead of re-runs,
we show "leftovers."
(tap shoes clicking)
- See, see I can't
whistle anymore.
I'm too pooped to pucker.
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National
Babbling Company trembles
under the strain of timidity,
but nevertheless presents
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, starring,
the totally sedate Dan Rowan,
and the half-sedated
Dick Martin,
and special guest
star, sugar and spice,
and everything nice,
Miss Dinah Shore.
And, Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
and, Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Anne Elder,
and the dozen dancing digits
of Barbara Sharma!
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with a word to those
who are biting their nails
over irritated, itching skin.
Remember, if you bite your
nails, how can you scratch?
- [Gary] Ladies and
Gentlemen, Miss Dinah Shore!
(dramatic big band music)
(wacky music)
(car ignition)
- Oh, geez, Dinah, you
always look so healthy,
how do you do it?
- Oh, exercise, Miss Gladys.
Every morning I go to the
window and throw out my chest.
- Oh, I couldn't do that.
I'm trying to keep
what little I have now!
- Poor baby.
- Speaking of pairs, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
together again.
(applause)
(big band music)
- Only half as much, only
half, only half as much.
- Ha, ha, hey!
Ha, ha, hey!
On garde, varlet!
- On garde what?
- Tooch!
- Ah, touché, tooch, tooch.
Don't tell me, don't tell me...
- A flagon of
wine for my driver.
- Wait a minute and
throw something on the fire,
hey, don't tell me
you've taken up fencing!
- All right, but if I don't tell
ya, how will you ever know?
- I'm gonna make a wild guess.
You've taken up fencing!
- That's funny, so have I!
- Isn't that a coincidence.
- And it's no wonder.
- Why?
- Because I am directly
descended from the famous
"Buffalo Dartanian" Martin.
- "Buffalo Dartanian" Martin.
- In all of France
he never lost a duel!
- Oh, he's from France.
- No, he was from
Cleveland, that's why.
He never went to France.
- Never, why that's why
he never lost a duel there.
- Well not only that, he
brought something to every duel
that no swordsman
could challenge.
- Brought something to
ever duel, what was that?
- A gun!
- That's not fair, he
should have used a sword.
- Are you kidding?
These things are dangerous
you could cut yourself.
- Yeah, I suppose so, I
hope you'll be a little bit
more careful with
your own sword.
- I will, I will.
You know this is a
very unusual weapon.
- Is it?
- You see there are
all kinds of swords.
- All kinds.
- Sabres and foils, Swedish
swords, English swords,
Japanese.
This one's a German-make.
- What's a German make?
- About a buck
and a half an hour.
- Foil, foiled again!
- Not only foils but there
are rapiers, sabres, épée.
- What's épée?
- About a buck
and a half an hour.
- Plus nobody will work
for that kind of money
except a German.
- Nobody will go for
that kind of a joke, either.
- Yeah, right, yeah right.
- Couldn't we just
go to the party?
- Well as Uncle
Dartanian might say,
I'll be glad to
take a stab at it!
- Oh, I see your point!
This is sort of a play on words.
(high energy 60s rock and roll)
- I'm really in favor of
the unisex look in fashion,
now if you're not on the list
of Ten Best Dressed Women,
you might be on the list
of Ten Best Dressed Men!
- You know I don't have
any famous paintings
hanging in my house.
Because baby, my people
have had enough of Old Masters.
- Dick, don't you think
it's time to settle down?
- Well that's all right with
me but we just go to the party.
(high energy 60s rock and roll)
- You know those
college campuses
are really getting crowded.
They got more
students there than we
can shake a nightstick at!
- According to informed
sources, in the 1972 elections,
Mr. Nixon will not be
running with Mr. Agnew.
Gee, I guess President
Agnew wants someone else.
- There's so many people
out of work today in Hollywood,
that this year's Academy
Award for Best Supporting Role
is going to the
Unemployment Office.
- Hey, Boomer
here, wow the pain.
The other day I won the
game and nearly killed myself
jumping over the net.
I forgot I was
playing badminton.
- Oh, you kill me
Boomer, you're so dumb.
You can't tell a
ball from a bird.
- I believe a girl's accessories
should be functional.
For example, I have a belt
buckle that makes change.
- I read where J. Edgar Hoover's
been cracking down, lately.
- On the Mafia, and Communists?
- No, on former
Attorney Generals.
- Rudy Vallee was just
appointed traffic director
in Los Angeles, and I'll be
he keeps that traffic moving.
- Yeah, how's he gonna do that?
- Well, he's gonna get out
there during the rush hour,
and he's gonna sing.
"My time is your time"
(wacky music)
- Mr. Bernardi, I understand
that you play an executive
in your television show "Arnie."
How very tasteful.
- That's correct, Arnie Nuvo
is an executive in a factory
that makes flanges.
- Oh, flanges, I don't
know what a "flange" is,
but it doesn't
sound very tasteful.
- Oh, a flange is a collar
that goes on a wheel.
- Oh, well in that
case may I point out
that there's lipstick
on your flange.
- And now here are the
sweethearts of the Napa Valley.
Those merry madcaps
of muscatel, the Swizzlers.
- Another bottle of
wine, my good man.
- Can't have my pickle.
- This is a (mumbles).
- Oh wait, oh wait my dear.
Oh, oh, oh, wait my dear.
My fair flower.
I must determine that
the temperature is perfect.
- What temperature
should it be, Leonard?
- 37 and a half
degrees fennerheight.
- Oh, look, what's it say?
- 78 degrees.
- Well, that's close enough.
By the way Leonard, why
did you stand me up last night?
- Because you fell down!
- I abhor the sight of
those two lost souls,
drinking away their young lives.
Why aren't they over at
the church playing bingo,
and maybe winning a few dollars!
- That was not totally
tasteful, thank you.
(trumpets)
- How humiliating.
- It's a little-known fact
that when Robinson Crusoe
left his island and
returned to England,
there was a Mrs. Robinson
Crusoe waiting for him.
Here's a look at
that happy reunion.
(knock at the door)
- Hello lovey, I'm home.
- Robin, Robinson?
Robinson Crusoe?
My long lost darling!
Oh, you're home at
last, please come in.
Darling, please sit down
and tell me all about it.
- Well it was rough, you know.
- Oh darling, it was
rough for me, too.
You can imagine, work,
work, work, all the time,
never a moment to play.
- All those years I never had
any place to go, you know.
- Oh, darling it was
the same for me.
Every morning up
at the early dawn
and I'd go down to the pier,
and I would just watch
the boats coming in,
hoping, hoping, hoping,
and then back home
and I'd fall into bed so
tired, I could hardly sleep,
just hoping, hoping, hoping.
Darling tell me, what
was it like for you?
I mean what was it like
being alone all the time?
- Well actually I wasn't
alone all the time,
at least I had my man, Friday.
- Oh, well that's odd
now, darling, so did I,
and here he comes now.
Darling, let me present Lieutenant
Commander William Friday.
- What the devil's
he doing here?
- Well, I was hoping
you wouldn't ask.
Hoping, hoping, hoping.
- Nice day.
(wacky music)
- I knew a guy who was so dull,
when he fell of of a
cliff somebody else's life
flashed before his eyes.
- " Pardon me boys, was that
the Chattahoochie Coo-Coo"
- Vas is los, I told you a
thousand times don't call me boy.
- I told you a million
times, don't exaggerate,
and besides, go practice
your German accent,
it's the worst I've ever
heard, next to Peter Lawford.
- Midgets, midgets, midgets!
I've had it up to
here with midgets!
(upbeat 60s rock music)
(wacky music)
(car backfires)
(slide whistle)
- Aha, old photos
of Mae West, ha ha.
There, that's a good
shot, heh heh heh heh.
(doorbell)
Oh, that must be the
one who rings my chimes.
Hiya pretty Polly, eaten
any good crackers lately?
(doorbell)
Oh, keep your feathers
on, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Cover thyself up, sweet one.
I look like "Winged Victory."
You too, cutie.
(doorbell)
You're no friend of mine,
patience my enamorata.
I hasten.
Oh, this one's the
precious star of the east,
you've come.
Your presence makes my humble
abode a castle beyond compare,
"Camelot"
- Tyrone, I agreed
to have tea with you,
and remember you
promised, no hanky panky.
- I've had my
shirts done already.
Now, my word is my bond.
Ah, finger by finger we
advance to the couch.
Now if you would be so kind
as to make yourself comfortable
on this divan of delight,
I will procure the service.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh, I'll
thank you to keep a civil
thought in your head.
- " Tea for two,
and two for tea"
I did not mean to
alarm you, dove of love,
now may I pour out
a libation for you?
A parcel of picquot
to please your pallet?
Sometimes you're weird.
May I tantalize your tastebuds
with a tottle of Typhoo?
- Oh, shucks.
May I have a sip of
Ceylon as I slowly slip down
into slumberland?
- How may lumps?
- I think the two you gave
me will suffice for the nonce.
- " Dinner for one,
please change"
- A message for you men.
Do you feel listless?
If so, send us four
dollars 98 cents,
and we'll send you a list.
- " La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da
dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da"
"What's the news
across the nation"
"What's the news
that's sweeping the land"
"What's the scoop
that's causing sensations"
"What's the dirt
that's beatin' the band"
"What's the word the
world has been waiting for"
"What's the truth
of la da dee da"
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
Laugh-In will look at the news"
"La da dee da"
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
here's Dick and Dan"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee daaaaaa!"
- [Gary] And now ladies and
gentlemen the Laugh-In news
with the Penn Railroad in debt,
Jacques Cousteau in deep,
Raquel Welch indeed,
and Laurence Harvey in doubt.
- I'm Dan Rowan
filling in for Dick Martin.
- And I'm Dick Martin
filling up for Dan Rowan.
- And now for the news.
- Raquel came over last night-
- No, no, not that news,
the Laugh-In news.
- Oh, she was
laughin' when she left.
Washington DC today
at a news conference
a spokesman for the
Pentagon declared,
"I wish these student
protesters would go away
and let us fight
this war in peace."
- Reasonable request.
Washington DC 60 years
from now, Hugh Hefner,
Playboy philosopher
was finally laid to rest
at Arlington National
Cemetery today under a huge
bronze bunny.
Following a 21 gun salute
came the traditional sound
of Taps.
Strangely enough, the tapping
came from within the coffin.
- Washington's recent
figures reveal that there are
90 million guns in
American homes,
and only 5 million guns
in the US Armed Forces.
- Upon hearing this, a
Pentagon official announced that
the US Army is capable
of defending itself against
any aggressive
power in the world.
Except the American homeowner.
- Now this message from abroad.
- Hi sailor, new in town?
- And now for this hot bulletin.
- In his inaugural address,
Governor Ronald Reagan said
there would be an
increase in taxes, however,
President Nixon in his
conversation with the press
said there would be
no increase in taxes.
Evidently it would be better
to live in the United States
than it is to live
in California.
- Now Laugh-In News of the
Past takes you back in history
to that eventful day at
the Tang Sun dial company
when a poor worker came
in with some startling news.
- Boss, boss!
- What is it, Dorchester?
- I just invented the watch!
- A watch?
Quick, what time is it?
- It's 11:30.
- 11:30?
Why, you're two
hours late for work.
Your fired.
- Just for that, I think I'll
go out and invent the union!
- Well!
- " La da dee da!"
"Ladies and gentlemen,
that was the news!"
- My name is Edith Anne
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want.
You know what?
When children die,
they go to Heaven.
In Heaven a kid could
do whatever she wants.
She could wear lipstick,
she could talk to the animals.
Animals could talk in
Heaven, yeah, they could.
You could put little dresses
on them, and you don't
have to do nothing
you don't want.
And your mothers have
to go to bed real early.
And that's the truth.
I can make a tom
tom with my shoes.
- Mr. Capote, you're noted
for your incredible memory,
as a matter of fact you're
fabulous memory accounted
for the fact that while
writing your book
"In Cold Blood" you
never took one single note,
and at one point in
your life you memorized
the entire Sears Catalog.
Now, how did you accomplish
these incredible feats of
concentration and memory?
- What was the question?
- Now Mr. Capote, you are
noted for your incredible...
(wacky music)
(pop)
(wacky music)
- " If you should
fall through a trap"
"Or get a slap in the yap"
"You've gotta smile, smile,
smile through everything"
"If people hiss and they boo"
- " They really sock it to you"
- " You've gotta smile, smile,
smile through everything"
- " When you smile at
troubles people swear
you're going crackers"
- " You mustn't care
what people say"
_ "Take those
negative attackers"
- " Sock 'em with
your jolly-whackers!"
- " Don't be a grump"
- " You gloomy
down-in-the-dumps"
- " You gotta make
out like it's spring"
- " You've gotta smile, smile,
smile through everything"
- Oh Dinah, Dinah,
you know people kid ya
'cause you smile so much.
- Yes, they do!
- You know somebody
even said you were so sweet,
they couldn't watch your show
because they were afraid
of becoming a diabetic.
- Aw come on, I
don't smile that much.
- Oh, gee Dinah, maybe
your teeth are slippery
and your lips keep
sliding off of them.
- I heard, Dinah, that
you started smiling
when you was a kid
and your lips locked.
- Come on, Dinah, tell us,
either you're a little happier,
or you're a little high.
- Listen, you forgot
one of them, kids.
- What?
- You'd smile too if you had
over 150 teeth in your mouth!
- " You're gonna win if
you can manage a grin"
- " If you can flash
your caps, you're king"
- " You've gotta smile, smile,
smile, smile, smile, smile,
smile, smile, smile,
smile, smile, smile, smile
at everything!"
"Smile at everything!"
- Lip syncing is a device
where the voice track
is previously recorded
and the person talking
moves their lips in
synchronization to the voice track
as it is being played.
Thank you.
(beep beep)
(siren)
(sickening crunch)
- You know what the
Mod World is tonight?
- Hmm?
- Oh, it ought to be
right up your alley!
- You mean to stand
there and tell me Laugh-In
is gonna take an in-depth
look at trash cans?
- No, that's just an expression.
- Trash cans is an expression?
- No, "up your alley".
- Same to you, fellah.
- Tonight the Mod
World is going to look at
the working girl.
- Oh, well there's only
one kind of girl I know
who works in an alley.
- Will you forget
about the alley?
You're out of your
mind with the alley.
- All right.
- I'm talking about girls
that go out in the world
and earn a living.
Models, secretaries, waitresses.
- Now that's right up my alley!
- No, really, do you
wanna know something
about the working girl?
- Sure, I'd like, what
time she gets off...
- You don't seem to realize
working girls are a vital
part of America, without
them this country probably
would come to a
complete standstill.
- That's just what
I said to the nurse
I took out last night.
- That she was a
vital part of America?
- No, stand still!
- Stand still.
Oh, Cincinnati, you really
ought to be more sympathetic,
Richard, you know after
all these girls work hard
with long hours and short pay.
- Well, why don't they
just get married and then
they can work hard and
long hours with no pay!
- And on that cheerful note,
Laugh-In now lovingly looks
at the laboring ladies.
- " Heaven help
the working girl"
"Honor and protect her"
"Even though she's not your mom"
"Someone should respect her"
"Teacher, lawyer,
shopgirl, actress, clerk"
"Do their best no
matter what the work"
"God bless them"
(drum beat)
- " Workin' girl, that's
right, we are workin' girls"
"All night, we are
strippin' 'til we're blind"
"At the same old bump and grind"
Zap, zap.
- " All them drums get tired"
"And then all that rap"
"Perspirin' I'm never
wined and dined"
"At the same old bump and grind"
Left, right, left!
- " I'm gonna pay, bumpin' away"
"Friday and Saturday
matinee seems an easy grind"
- " Capitalists,
when you undress"
"You get rid of all that
strain and the stress"
"From that hungry mob"
- " Workin' girls, Oh
yeah, we are workin' girls"
"All day, we are
regal and refined"
Hi there!
"At the same old bump and"
- " Grab that curtain"
- " Move the body"
- " (screeching)
- " We got no class,
bawdy and trash"
"This ain't no way to
develop my dancin'"
- " They have been unkind"
- " At the same
old bump and grind"
- No office could
operate without
the dedicated working girl.
- Excuse me,
this is the office of
Beagleman, Field and Luzar?
- Yes, may I help you?
- Yes, I'm answering your ad.
"Wanted: Secretary
for Busy Office"
- Oh, good, now would
you sit down please,
the job is very simple.
- Hiya.
Thank you for
yesterday afternoon.
Wonderful.
- Right, Mr. Beagleman.
- This position is just the
secretarial work isn't it?
- Oh, absolutely,
the job really...
- Just wanted to tell you what
a good time I had last night.
- Sure, Mr. Field.
- Are you sure the job
would entail just office work?
- Oh, absolutely, I want someone
who can take over
completely, because-
Oh good morning, Mr. Luzar.
- Thank you again for
this morning, I mean, really,
thank you, really.
- When can you start?
- Well gee, right away I guess.
- Oh, wonderful!
- Rita, send the
new girl in right away.
Tell her to bring a pad.
- Oh, yes.
No dear, just a minute, you
better take one of these pads,
Mr. Beagleman's letters
can put anybody to sleep.
- Ah, things pretty well
even themselves out
for working girls.
- They have to be twice as
good as a man to get a job
for which they get
paid half as much.
Don't be a sucker!
- Hey kids, no look at the
working girl would be complete
without a mention of
those angels of mercy,
your friendly
neighborhood nurse.
- Oh, I see we're out of
surgery, and how do we feel?
- I feel pretty good.
- Okay, I'll just put you down
here as a definite for dinner
and I'll just pencil
you in for breakfast.
- And let us not forget
those working girls
who unselfishly and
lovingly devote their lives
to their husbands.
- Oh, honey, come
on, what is this?
It's a 20 cent tip.
- Baby, don't you think
this is getting ridiculous?
- Oh, no, you agreed
to pay me for every job
I do around the house.
- I know it.
It's driving me crazy.
- Oh, driving, speaking
of driving, you owe me
20 dollars for taking you
to the train every morning.
- 20 dollars?
- You can always take a cab.
- Okay, okay.
Hey, have I got a
clean shirt for work?
- 50 cents.
- 50 cents?
- You can always
hire outside help.
- I'll iron it myself.
- Well, I should tell you
the flat iron is broken,
but I could fix it for
two dollars, and listen,
why don't I get my
week's pay anyway for
chauffer, repairman,
laundress, maid?
250 dollars.
- 250 dollars?
It's outrageous.
- Yeah, well you can
always hire outside help.
- What is this with you
anyway, business all the time,
business, business, why
can't you be a normal wife?
- Well, honey, I would
be a normal wife, if I had
just a little family to raise.
All I really want is a baby.
- A baby?
- Yeah!
- Why didn't you tell me?
That'll be 250 bucks, and
worth every quarter of it.
- That's probably right.
(drums)
- Grassy skirt and flower
lei are gonna drive me batty,
but I gotta wear it 'cause
they call me Hula Hattie.
- Tired of always peeling
off my pasties and my gloves,
but I gotta make some
bread for feeding my doves.
- Shining like a Christmas tree
just somehow doesn't suit me.
If I'm not too careful
someone might electrocute me!
- Years of music trainin'
and I'm workin' for crumbs,
catchin' cold and fightin'
flu while beatin' these drums.
- Dragging all the whips
and chains can run this bod.
Why'd I have to call
myself Marquesa de Saade?
- Most girls go to work
to meet a husband.
Unfortunately it's
usually someone else's.
- I resent working for a woman.
I don't even know
why I married her.
- Honey you know what?
- Hmm?
- I think I'm gonna get myself
a job as a topless waitress.
- And I say forget it.
- Well just give me
one good reason.
- You put down that paper,
I'll give you two good reasons.
- One problem the married
working girl might have to face
is earning more
than her husband.
- Honey, your career is
really becoming embarrassing.
You know, the guys keep
laughing at me because my wife
makes more money than I do!
- Well now, darling, it
isn't my fault my work pays
more than yours.
- Yeah well haven't I...
Wow, like a plumber married
to an opera singer, it's...
- Look darling, I'm late,
couldn't we talk
about this tonight?
- Okay.
- Good luck at the bowl tonight.
- You, too.
"Mi, mi, mi"
- " Workin' girl, hip
hip hooray, workin' girl"
"We strip away"
"Courteous and kind"
"At the same old bump and grind"
- Crackin' the whip!
- Shakin' the hips!
- Lighting the sky!
- Tryin' to fly!
- Beat that drum,"
Blowing my mind"
- " At the same old
bump and grind!"
- Homa homa nuka
nuka bump and grind!
- Well, uh, Dick snap.
- Dick snap.
What do you think of
the working girl now?
- Well I was so moved that
I went right out and hired
five women.
- To do what?
- Well, to cook and
to sew and to clean,
clean the house, wash the
dishes, and do the laundry.
Then I'm just gonna just
fool around with the other four.
- No way to get
through to you is there?
- Well, blowin' in my
ear usually does it.
(bang)
(wacky music)
(squeak)
- [Gary] Ladies and Gentlemen,
the Resident of
the United States.
- I'm against
extremism of any kind,
and personally I feel
that anyone who practices
or advocates extremism
should be taken out and shot.
- I had to stop
singing in the shower
because it was
ruining my dresses.
- Oh hello, friend, this is
Chaplain Bud Homily here
with a thought for today.
Do not be discouraged
by life's little pitfalls.
Even as the storm clouds
gather, hold your head up high.
Hello, friends, this is
Chaplain Bud Homily,
in a hole.
Wet.
- Dick.
- Hmm?
- Why are you
wearing those trunks?
- Because if I
weren't, I'd be arrested.
- Now, ya ding dong!
I assume you've taken up boxing,
is that what you're
trying to tell me here?
- That's right, I thought
I might like to learn
how to defend myself.
- Now why do you want to
be able to defend yourself?
- Well if you're gonna step
in the ring with another boxer,
wouldn't you wanna learn
how to defend yourself?
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
You have a fight scheduled
there do ya there, punchy?
- Matter of fact-Punchy?
As a matter of
fact, I do, tonight.
I got up against Rocky Welch.
- Rocky... Ah, Raquel Welch?
- Huh?
- You trying to tell me
you're gonna get into the ring
with Raquel Welch?
(laughs)
- She can't be much of a boxer.
- No but she's great in
the clinches, let me tell ya.
- Let's go to the
quickies, folks.
(upbeat 60s rock and roll)
- Have ya seen the white whale?
- No, but I saw a black panther.
- I liked ya better
when ya had rhythm.
Ah, this is the
brokerage office of
Airworthiness, Car
swell and Fortis.
This is Eddie Fisher's
business manager.
Listen, take all of his
money and put it into
Penn Central Railroad stock.
(air hisses)
- Hey, you shouldn't
do that, son.
- Hmm?
- Think of all the
starvin' people in China.
- Where are you goin'?
- To the mailbox.
Thursday morning
it'll be in Shanghai.
What'd you get all
dressed up for today?
- Because I love ya.
- Barbara, I thought
I told you to write
"I will not write on the walls"
100 times!
- I did!
- Wrong.
- Quiet on the set
you guys, okay now,
sex education sequence take 72.
Cue the birds.
Now, cue the bees.
Hold the little
bunny rabbits and
get that elephant out of here.
Now for a flashback.
Okay boys.
- Well what did you think
of the quickies, punchy?
- Well I wish I
had time to tell you
but I gotta get to the quickies.
- We just did the quickies.
- What a pity, and I made
all the arrangements already.
- What arrangements?
- Well I called
Audrey, Vera, Felicia.
- We don't do the quickies
by making a lot of phone calls.
- You do your quickies
your way and I'll...
- Those were the quickies folks.
- They certainly were.
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
Oh gracious, good
afternoon, this is Miss Tomlin,
from the telephone company?
Have I reached the party
to whom I was speaking?
Mrs. Martha Mitchell?
Oh, Mrs. Mitchell, we're
calling to verify a request
from a Mr. Jon Mitchell.
He's asked us to
remove all our instruments
from this address.
Yes, indeed, that particular
instrument comes out first.
No, no, no he gave no reason.
Maybe he figures one
more call like that last one
to UPI and his relations
with the press will
go right down the drain.
Hello?
Hello?
Well just as well,
that instrument of hers
always was trouble.
Whenever it was out of
order we always had to
call in Roto-rooter to fix it.
(wacky music)
- Mr. Jonathan Brown, where
do you stand on unemployment?
- I stand in the
line under the B's.
- I see.
"B" for Brown.
- Also for black,
beautiful, and broke.
- Why don't you
stand under the T's?
For tasteless.
I am so tired of you Hawaiians.
- Aloha, mama!
(creepy music)
- Mervyn, that's magnificent.
- It's really gonna be
some kind of great dinner,
Audrey is a gourmet cook.
She has been
working... Here you are!
Our first course!
- Oh, boy, goody!
- Fresh fish caught right
off the Santa Monica Pier.
- Oh, no thank you, there's
probably enough mercury
in that fish to fill
a thermometer.
- I'll pass too, you know,
you can't be too careful
with what you eat.
- No matter.
I'll get the next course.
- Well, here.
- Oh, no thank you.
- All that chlorine,
I don't think so.
- Oh good, salad!
Crisp, fresh greens.
- That's got DDT
in it, I can tell.
- Can't risk the salad,
no offense, dear.
- Oh, of course not, darling!
- Well, you'll just
love the vegetables.
- Oh, I hope they're
organically grown.
- No they're not!
- Uh, well that just
leaves the meat course.
- Oh, we better not, with
the chemicals they feed cow
you just never can tell.
- Hold the beef!
Well, all that's left is
apple pie and coffee!
- Apples have
usually been sprayed.
- Juan Valdez
always seemed to lack
a certain personal daintiness.
- How about another martini?
- Oh, sure!
- I'd like that!
- Mmm these days you have
to be careful what you put
in the ol' tum tum.
- Extra dry!
- Oh, and easy on
the vermouth this time.
- Make mine a double
will you, Whiskers?
- Now another note from
Bartlett's Familiar Pears:
To the pure, almost
everything is rotten.
- I dunno, I'm the type of
guy you can pass on the street
and never recognize.
See?
- It's time once again
to present another lucky,
deserving winner with our
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- And tonight the
prodigious digital honor goes
to the Florida State
Division of Family Services.
- Yes, according to our
most informed source,
the Sun Sentinel and
Fort Lauderdale News,
the only service these good
folks from the Sunshine State
care about is the final
service of their welfare clients.
- Ah, sunset in the sunshine.
Sounds a little sick to me!
- Yes, it does,
that's just the point,
you shouldn't
get sick in Florida.
- Not unless you know the
expected date of your death.
- There are, according to
the Sentinel, many Florida
welfare clients who are
being denied Medicaid benefits
because they can't
furnish officials with their
projected date of death!
- Seems to me that kind of
thing wouldn't have one on
the tip of your
tongue, would you?
- No you would not right
away, but you see it's not
good enough on the
application for Medicaid
there's space for Date of
Death and if it's not filled in,
the application is rejected.
- Hey, I've got a great
idea for Medicaid.
Folk in Florida, fill in a
date, any date, and then
double cross the
welfare and done die.
- That'll fool 'em, my friend,
you may be on to something,
but in the meanwhile,
Florida insists,
tell 'em in advance.
- Well Florida State Division
of Family Welfare Services,
we can't give you the
exact date this ol' fella will
turn to dust, but take it now.
- You'll be surprised
at some of the services
you can get from it.
- Well Anne, things
are finally looking better
for the unemployed.
- You mean they're getting jobs?
- No, scenic welfare checks.
- Hey Barbara, you
know, I'm really in favor
of educational television.
The trouble is when a
student misses a lesson
and he has to get a note
from his television repairman.
- Well I would like to
compliment you on your conduct
throughout the evening.
- Conduct is... Thank you.
- You've handled
yourself extremely well
and I think it's only proper
for you to say goodnight.
- Before I do I wonder if
you'd mind if I said something
my aunt once said.
- I'm afraid we don't have time.
- She was locked in
the meat locker of a
leading grocer in
Keokuck, Iowa for 14 days
with a live moose.
- I don't wanna hear about
this meat locker in Keokuk, Iowa.
- When she came out of
the meat locker I thought that
perhaps what she said there
would be of interest, you know.
- Had something to say did she?
- Almost immediately, yes.
She had a side of beef with her,
as a matter of fact,
and she came strolling
out of the meat locker,
and she said,
"No matter what you
do, don't ever trust
a live moose in a meat locker."
He may also be an
Elk and a Shriner.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
- Dinah!
- Yes?
- Dinah, I see where Joe
Namath has a new doll out.
- Oh, that's not new, he
has one out every night!
- Hey Ruth!
- That's not
funny little rascal!
- Hey I'll say this, when it
comes to making movies,
Raquel Welch can really
show you a thing or two.
- Oh, Dinah, I'm so depressed.
- Oh, you are?
- There's no one above me.
I'm so depressed I built a
tree house in my back yard,
and I can't get my
tree to move into it!
- It could have been worse,
there could have been
a bird's nest.
- My uncle got tired of his
wife checking his collars
for lipstick, you know.
So now he just comes
home without a shirt.
- Oh, hey kids, the school
that I went to was so tough
they could... Oh, naughty nudie!
A grown gentleman doing that!
I don't think so.
- I told my aunt, no wait,
I told my Aunt Louise...
- What did you tell
your Aunt Louise?
- I told her to invest in
something that would be a
comfort to her.
- So?
A comfort to her?
- In her old age.
- Yeah?
So, what did she invest in?
- She went out
and bought a gigolo!
- Dennis!
- You wanna know
something, this...
- [Alan] Pour cold water on that
and make the swelling go down!
You look terrible!
- Oh, very funny, I
can't see the card.
- [Alan] I told ya
not to eat chocolate.
- I told my wife...
You know something,
the fumes in this aren't bad.
- Do you know that a
dollar is worth only 67 cents?
- Say "ah".
- Ah!
I knew that was gonna
happen, why did I do that?
- In the New Year state
parade they put me right behind
Billy Wilder's trained horses.
- Oh, that's a
hard act to follow!
- To pusillanimous pussyfooters
and vicars of vacillation too,
beware the triglogdyctic wit
of my President, Mr. Agnew.
Good night, Mr. Agnew,
you silver-tongued
straight-talker, you.
(wacky music)
- Dinah, it was a gas
having you on the show.
- You're really too much and
now we gotta say good night.
- Good night, Dinah.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dan,
good night, Dick.
Mwah!
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In, and-
- How do you do?
- That's a fine how-do-you-do.
- Oh, somebody'll be up to
do your nails in just a minute.
- Hi, Dinah.
- Hello Barbara.
- You know on your
show "Dinah's Place"
you do a lot of cooking.
- Yes, we do.
We go off the air for the
season and instead of re-runs,
we show "leftovers."
(tap shoes clicking)
- See, see I can't
whistle anymore.
I'm too pooped to pucker.
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National
Babbling Company trembles
under the strain of timidity,
but nevertheless presents
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, starring,
the totally sedate Dan Rowan,
and the half-sedated
Dick Martin,
and special guest
star, sugar and spice,
and everything nice,
Miss Dinah Shore.
And, Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
and, Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Anne Elder,
and the dozen dancing digits
of Barbara Sharma!
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with a word to those
who are biting their nails
over irritated, itching skin.
Remember, if you bite your
nails, how can you scratch?
- [Gary] Ladies and
Gentlemen, Miss Dinah Shore!
(dramatic big band music)
(wacky music)
(car ignition)
- Oh, geez, Dinah, you
always look so healthy,
how do you do it?
- Oh, exercise, Miss Gladys.
Every morning I go to the
window and throw out my chest.
- Oh, I couldn't do that.
I'm trying to keep
what little I have now!
- Poor baby.
- Speaking of pairs, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
together again.
(applause)
(big band music)
- Only half as much, only
half, only half as much.
- Ha, ha, hey!
Ha, ha, hey!
On garde, varlet!
- On garde what?
- Tooch!
- Ah, touché, tooch, tooch.
Don't tell me, don't tell me...
- A flagon of
wine for my driver.
- Wait a minute and
throw something on the fire,
hey, don't tell me
you've taken up fencing!
- All right, but if I don't tell
ya, how will you ever know?
- I'm gonna make a wild guess.
You've taken up fencing!
- That's funny, so have I!
- Isn't that a coincidence.
- And it's no wonder.
- Why?
- Because I am directly
descended from the famous
"Buffalo Dartanian" Martin.
- "Buffalo Dartanian" Martin.
- In all of France
he never lost a duel!
- Oh, he's from France.
- No, he was from
Cleveland, that's why.
He never went to France.
- Never, why that's why
he never lost a duel there.
- Well not only that, he
brought something to every duel
that no swordsman
could challenge.
- Brought something to
ever duel, what was that?
- A gun!
- That's not fair, he
should have used a sword.
- Are you kidding?
These things are dangerous
you could cut yourself.
- Yeah, I suppose so, I
hope you'll be a little bit
more careful with
your own sword.
- I will, I will.
You know this is a
very unusual weapon.
- Is it?
- You see there are
all kinds of swords.
- All kinds.
- Sabres and foils, Swedish
swords, English swords,
Japanese.
This one's a German-make.
- What's a German make?
- About a buck
and a half an hour.
- Foil, foiled again!
- Not only foils but there
are rapiers, sabres, épée.
- What's épée?
- About a buck
and a half an hour.
- Plus nobody will work
for that kind of money
except a German.
- Nobody will go for
that kind of a joke, either.
- Yeah, right, yeah right.
- Couldn't we just
go to the party?
- Well as Uncle
Dartanian might say,
I'll be glad to
take a stab at it!
- Oh, I see your point!
This is sort of a play on words.
(high energy 60s rock and roll)
- I'm really in favor of
the unisex look in fashion,
now if you're not on the list
of Ten Best Dressed Women,
you might be on the list
of Ten Best Dressed Men!
- You know I don't have
any famous paintings
hanging in my house.
Because baby, my people
have had enough of Old Masters.
- Dick, don't you think
it's time to settle down?
- Well that's all right with
me but we just go to the party.
(high energy 60s rock and roll)
- You know those
college campuses
are really getting crowded.
They got more
students there than we
can shake a nightstick at!
- According to informed
sources, in the 1972 elections,
Mr. Nixon will not be
running with Mr. Agnew.
Gee, I guess President
Agnew wants someone else.
- There's so many people
out of work today in Hollywood,
that this year's Academy
Award for Best Supporting Role
is going to the
Unemployment Office.
- Hey, Boomer
here, wow the pain.
The other day I won the
game and nearly killed myself
jumping over the net.
I forgot I was
playing badminton.
- Oh, you kill me
Boomer, you're so dumb.
You can't tell a
ball from a bird.
- I believe a girl's accessories
should be functional.
For example, I have a belt
buckle that makes change.
- I read where J. Edgar Hoover's
been cracking down, lately.
- On the Mafia, and Communists?
- No, on former
Attorney Generals.
- Rudy Vallee was just
appointed traffic director
in Los Angeles, and I'll be
he keeps that traffic moving.
- Yeah, how's he gonna do that?
- Well, he's gonna get out
there during the rush hour,
and he's gonna sing.
"My time is your time"
(wacky music)
- Mr. Bernardi, I understand
that you play an executive
in your television show "Arnie."
How very tasteful.
- That's correct, Arnie Nuvo
is an executive in a factory
that makes flanges.
- Oh, flanges, I don't
know what a "flange" is,
but it doesn't
sound very tasteful.
- Oh, a flange is a collar
that goes on a wheel.
- Oh, well in that
case may I point out
that there's lipstick
on your flange.
- And now here are the
sweethearts of the Napa Valley.
Those merry madcaps
of muscatel, the Swizzlers.
- Another bottle of
wine, my good man.
- Can't have my pickle.
- This is a (mumbles).
- Oh wait, oh wait my dear.
Oh, oh, oh, wait my dear.
My fair flower.
I must determine that
the temperature is perfect.
- What temperature
should it be, Leonard?
- 37 and a half
degrees fennerheight.
- Oh, look, what's it say?
- 78 degrees.
- Well, that's close enough.
By the way Leonard, why
did you stand me up last night?
- Because you fell down!
- I abhor the sight of
those two lost souls,
drinking away their young lives.
Why aren't they over at
the church playing bingo,
and maybe winning a few dollars!
- That was not totally
tasteful, thank you.
(trumpets)
- How humiliating.
- It's a little-known fact
that when Robinson Crusoe
left his island and
returned to England,
there was a Mrs. Robinson
Crusoe waiting for him.
Here's a look at
that happy reunion.
(knock at the door)
- Hello lovey, I'm home.
- Robin, Robinson?
Robinson Crusoe?
My long lost darling!
Oh, you're home at
last, please come in.
Darling, please sit down
and tell me all about it.
- Well it was rough, you know.
- Oh darling, it was
rough for me, too.
You can imagine, work,
work, work, all the time,
never a moment to play.
- All those years I never had
any place to go, you know.
- Oh, darling it was
the same for me.
Every morning up
at the early dawn
and I'd go down to the pier,
and I would just watch
the boats coming in,
hoping, hoping, hoping,
and then back home
and I'd fall into bed so
tired, I could hardly sleep,
just hoping, hoping, hoping.
Darling tell me, what
was it like for you?
I mean what was it like
being alone all the time?
- Well actually I wasn't
alone all the time,
at least I had my man, Friday.
- Oh, well that's odd
now, darling, so did I,
and here he comes now.
Darling, let me present Lieutenant
Commander William Friday.
- What the devil's
he doing here?
- Well, I was hoping
you wouldn't ask.
Hoping, hoping, hoping.
- Nice day.
(wacky music)
- I knew a guy who was so dull,
when he fell of of a
cliff somebody else's life
flashed before his eyes.
- " Pardon me boys, was that
the Chattahoochie Coo-Coo"
- Vas is los, I told you a
thousand times don't call me boy.
- I told you a million
times, don't exaggerate,
and besides, go practice
your German accent,
it's the worst I've ever
heard, next to Peter Lawford.
- Midgets, midgets, midgets!
I've had it up to
here with midgets!
(upbeat 60s rock music)
(wacky music)
(car backfires)
(slide whistle)
- Aha, old photos
of Mae West, ha ha.
There, that's a good
shot, heh heh heh heh.
(doorbell)
Oh, that must be the
one who rings my chimes.
Hiya pretty Polly, eaten
any good crackers lately?
(doorbell)
Oh, keep your feathers
on, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Cover thyself up, sweet one.
I look like "Winged Victory."
You too, cutie.
(doorbell)
You're no friend of mine,
patience my enamorata.
I hasten.
Oh, this one's the
precious star of the east,
you've come.
Your presence makes my humble
abode a castle beyond compare,
"Camelot"
- Tyrone, I agreed
to have tea with you,
and remember you
promised, no hanky panky.
- I've had my
shirts done already.
Now, my word is my bond.
Ah, finger by finger we
advance to the couch.
Now if you would be so kind
as to make yourself comfortable
on this divan of delight,
I will procure the service.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh, I'll
thank you to keep a civil
thought in your head.
- " Tea for two,
and two for tea"
I did not mean to
alarm you, dove of love,
now may I pour out
a libation for you?
A parcel of picquot
to please your pallet?
Sometimes you're weird.
May I tantalize your tastebuds
with a tottle of Typhoo?
- Oh, shucks.
May I have a sip of
Ceylon as I slowly slip down
into slumberland?
- How may lumps?
- I think the two you gave
me will suffice for the nonce.
- " Dinner for one,
please change"
- A message for you men.
Do you feel listless?
If so, send us four
dollars 98 cents,
and we'll send you a list.
- " La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da
dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da"
"What's the news
across the nation"
"What's the news
that's sweeping the land"
"What's the scoop
that's causing sensations"
"What's the dirt
that's beatin' the band"
"What's the word the
world has been waiting for"
"What's the truth
of la da dee da"
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
Laugh-In will look at the news"
"La da dee da"
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
here's Dick and Dan"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee"
"La dee da dee da dee daaaaaa!"
- [Gary] And now ladies and
gentlemen the Laugh-In news
with the Penn Railroad in debt,
Jacques Cousteau in deep,
Raquel Welch indeed,
and Laurence Harvey in doubt.
- I'm Dan Rowan
filling in for Dick Martin.
- And I'm Dick Martin
filling up for Dan Rowan.
- And now for the news.
- Raquel came over last night-
- No, no, not that news,
the Laugh-In news.
- Oh, she was
laughin' when she left.
Washington DC today
at a news conference
a spokesman for the
Pentagon declared,
"I wish these student
protesters would go away
and let us fight
this war in peace."
- Reasonable request.
Washington DC 60 years
from now, Hugh Hefner,
Playboy philosopher
was finally laid to rest
at Arlington National
Cemetery today under a huge
bronze bunny.
Following a 21 gun salute
came the traditional sound
of Taps.
Strangely enough, the tapping
came from within the coffin.
- Washington's recent
figures reveal that there are
90 million guns in
American homes,
and only 5 million guns
in the US Armed Forces.
- Upon hearing this, a
Pentagon official announced that
the US Army is capable
of defending itself against
any aggressive
power in the world.
Except the American homeowner.
- Now this message from abroad.
- Hi sailor, new in town?
- And now for this hot bulletin.
- In his inaugural address,
Governor Ronald Reagan said
there would be an
increase in taxes, however,
President Nixon in his
conversation with the press
said there would be
no increase in taxes.
Evidently it would be better
to live in the United States
than it is to live
in California.
- Now Laugh-In News of the
Past takes you back in history
to that eventful day at
the Tang Sun dial company
when a poor worker came
in with some startling news.
- Boss, boss!
- What is it, Dorchester?
- I just invented the watch!
- A watch?
Quick, what time is it?
- It's 11:30.
- 11:30?
Why, you're two
hours late for work.
Your fired.
- Just for that, I think I'll
go out and invent the union!
- Well!
- " La da dee da!"
"Ladies and gentlemen,
that was the news!"
- My name is Edith Anne
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want.
You know what?
When children die,
they go to Heaven.
In Heaven a kid could
do whatever she wants.
She could wear lipstick,
she could talk to the animals.
Animals could talk in
Heaven, yeah, they could.
You could put little dresses
on them, and you don't
have to do nothing
you don't want.
And your mothers have
to go to bed real early.
And that's the truth.
I can make a tom
tom with my shoes.
- Mr. Capote, you're noted
for your incredible memory,
as a matter of fact you're
fabulous memory accounted
for the fact that while
writing your book
"In Cold Blood" you
never took one single note,
and at one point in
your life you memorized
the entire Sears Catalog.
Now, how did you accomplish
these incredible feats of
concentration and memory?
- What was the question?
- Now Mr. Capote, you are
noted for your incredible...
(wacky music)
(pop)
(wacky music)
- " If you should
fall through a trap"
"Or get a slap in the yap"
"You've gotta smile, smile,
smile through everything"
"If people hiss and they boo"
- " They really sock it to you"
- " You've gotta smile, smile,
smile through everything"
- " When you smile at
troubles people swear
you're going crackers"
- " You mustn't care
what people say"
_ "Take those
negative attackers"
- " Sock 'em with
your jolly-whackers!"
- " Don't be a grump"
- " You gloomy
down-in-the-dumps"
- " You gotta make
out like it's spring"
- " You've gotta smile, smile,
smile through everything"
- Oh Dinah, Dinah,
you know people kid ya
'cause you smile so much.
- Yes, they do!
- You know somebody
even said you were so sweet,
they couldn't watch your show
because they were afraid
of becoming a diabetic.
- Aw come on, I
don't smile that much.
- Oh, gee Dinah, maybe
your teeth are slippery
and your lips keep
sliding off of them.
- I heard, Dinah, that
you started smiling
when you was a kid
and your lips locked.
- Come on, Dinah, tell us,
either you're a little happier,
or you're a little high.
- Listen, you forgot
one of them, kids.
- What?
- You'd smile too if you had
over 150 teeth in your mouth!
- " You're gonna win if
you can manage a grin"
- " If you can flash
your caps, you're king"
- " You've gotta smile, smile,
smile, smile, smile, smile,
smile, smile, smile,
smile, smile, smile, smile
at everything!"
"Smile at everything!"
- Lip syncing is a device
where the voice track
is previously recorded
and the person talking
moves their lips in
synchronization to the voice track
as it is being played.
Thank you.
(beep beep)
(siren)
(sickening crunch)
- You know what the
Mod World is tonight?
- Hmm?
- Oh, it ought to be
right up your alley!
- You mean to stand
there and tell me Laugh-In
is gonna take an in-depth
look at trash cans?
- No, that's just an expression.
- Trash cans is an expression?
- No, "up your alley".
- Same to you, fellah.
- Tonight the Mod
World is going to look at
the working girl.
- Oh, well there's only
one kind of girl I know
who works in an alley.
- Will you forget
about the alley?
You're out of your
mind with the alley.
- All right.
- I'm talking about girls
that go out in the world
and earn a living.
Models, secretaries, waitresses.
- Now that's right up my alley!
- No, really, do you
wanna know something
about the working girl?
- Sure, I'd like, what
time she gets off...
- You don't seem to realize
working girls are a vital
part of America, without
them this country probably
would come to a
complete standstill.
- That's just what
I said to the nurse
I took out last night.
- That she was a
vital part of America?
- No, stand still!
- Stand still.
Oh, Cincinnati, you really
ought to be more sympathetic,
Richard, you know after
all these girls work hard
with long hours and short pay.
- Well, why don't they
just get married and then
they can work hard and
long hours with no pay!
- And on that cheerful note,
Laugh-In now lovingly looks
at the laboring ladies.
- " Heaven help
the working girl"
"Honor and protect her"
"Even though she's not your mom"
"Someone should respect her"
"Teacher, lawyer,
shopgirl, actress, clerk"
"Do their best no
matter what the work"
"God bless them"
(drum beat)
- " Workin' girl, that's
right, we are workin' girls"
"All night, we are
strippin' 'til we're blind"
"At the same old bump and grind"
Zap, zap.
- " All them drums get tired"
"And then all that rap"
"Perspirin' I'm never
wined and dined"
"At the same old bump and grind"
Left, right, left!
- " I'm gonna pay, bumpin' away"
"Friday and Saturday
matinee seems an easy grind"
- " Capitalists,
when you undress"
"You get rid of all that
strain and the stress"
"From that hungry mob"
- " Workin' girls, Oh
yeah, we are workin' girls"
"All day, we are
regal and refined"
Hi there!
"At the same old bump and"
- " Grab that curtain"
- " Move the body"
- " (screeching)
- " We got no class,
bawdy and trash"
"This ain't no way to
develop my dancin'"
- " They have been unkind"
- " At the same
old bump and grind"
- No office could
operate without
the dedicated working girl.
- Excuse me,
this is the office of
Beagleman, Field and Luzar?
- Yes, may I help you?
- Yes, I'm answering your ad.
"Wanted: Secretary
for Busy Office"
- Oh, good, now would
you sit down please,
the job is very simple.
- Hiya.
Thank you for
yesterday afternoon.
Wonderful.
- Right, Mr. Beagleman.
- This position is just the
secretarial work isn't it?
- Oh, absolutely,
the job really...
- Just wanted to tell you what
a good time I had last night.
- Sure, Mr. Field.
- Are you sure the job
would entail just office work?
- Oh, absolutely, I want someone
who can take over
completely, because-
Oh good morning, Mr. Luzar.
- Thank you again for
this morning, I mean, really,
thank you, really.
- When can you start?
- Well gee, right away I guess.
- Oh, wonderful!
- Rita, send the
new girl in right away.
Tell her to bring a pad.
- Oh, yes.
No dear, just a minute, you
better take one of these pads,
Mr. Beagleman's letters
can put anybody to sleep.
- Ah, things pretty well
even themselves out
for working girls.
- They have to be twice as
good as a man to get a job
for which they get
paid half as much.
Don't be a sucker!
- Hey kids, no look at the
working girl would be complete
without a mention of
those angels of mercy,
your friendly
neighborhood nurse.
- Oh, I see we're out of
surgery, and how do we feel?
- I feel pretty good.
- Okay, I'll just put you down
here as a definite for dinner
and I'll just pencil
you in for breakfast.
- And let us not forget
those working girls
who unselfishly and
lovingly devote their lives
to their husbands.
- Oh, honey, come
on, what is this?
It's a 20 cent tip.
- Baby, don't you think
this is getting ridiculous?
- Oh, no, you agreed
to pay me for every job
I do around the house.
- I know it.
It's driving me crazy.
- Oh, driving, speaking
of driving, you owe me
20 dollars for taking you
to the train every morning.
- 20 dollars?
- You can always take a cab.
- Okay, okay.
Hey, have I got a
clean shirt for work?
- 50 cents.
- 50 cents?
- You can always
hire outside help.
- I'll iron it myself.
- Well, I should tell you
the flat iron is broken,
but I could fix it for
two dollars, and listen,
why don't I get my
week's pay anyway for
chauffer, repairman,
laundress, maid?
250 dollars.
- 250 dollars?
It's outrageous.
- Yeah, well you can
always hire outside help.
- What is this with you
anyway, business all the time,
business, business, why
can't you be a normal wife?
- Well, honey, I would
be a normal wife, if I had
just a little family to raise.
All I really want is a baby.
- A baby?
- Yeah!
- Why didn't you tell me?
That'll be 250 bucks, and
worth every quarter of it.
- That's probably right.
(drums)
- Grassy skirt and flower
lei are gonna drive me batty,
but I gotta wear it 'cause
they call me Hula Hattie.
- Tired of always peeling
off my pasties and my gloves,
but I gotta make some
bread for feeding my doves.
- Shining like a Christmas tree
just somehow doesn't suit me.
If I'm not too careful
someone might electrocute me!
- Years of music trainin'
and I'm workin' for crumbs,
catchin' cold and fightin'
flu while beatin' these drums.
- Dragging all the whips
and chains can run this bod.
Why'd I have to call
myself Marquesa de Saade?
- Most girls go to work
to meet a husband.
Unfortunately it's
usually someone else's.
- I resent working for a woman.
I don't even know
why I married her.
- Honey you know what?
- Hmm?
- I think I'm gonna get myself
a job as a topless waitress.
- And I say forget it.
- Well just give me
one good reason.
- You put down that paper,
I'll give you two good reasons.
- One problem the married
working girl might have to face
is earning more
than her husband.
- Honey, your career is
really becoming embarrassing.
You know, the guys keep
laughing at me because my wife
makes more money than I do!
- Well now, darling, it
isn't my fault my work pays
more than yours.
- Yeah well haven't I...
Wow, like a plumber married
to an opera singer, it's...
- Look darling, I'm late,
couldn't we talk
about this tonight?
- Okay.
- Good luck at the bowl tonight.
- You, too.
"Mi, mi, mi"
- " Workin' girl, hip
hip hooray, workin' girl"
"We strip away"
"Courteous and kind"
"At the same old bump and grind"
- Crackin' the whip!
- Shakin' the hips!
- Lighting the sky!
- Tryin' to fly!
- Beat that drum,"
Blowing my mind"
- " At the same old
bump and grind!"
- Homa homa nuka
nuka bump and grind!
- Well, uh, Dick snap.
- Dick snap.
What do you think of
the working girl now?
- Well I was so moved that
I went right out and hired
five women.
- To do what?
- Well, to cook and
to sew and to clean,
clean the house, wash the
dishes, and do the laundry.
Then I'm just gonna just
fool around with the other four.
- No way to get
through to you is there?
- Well, blowin' in my
ear usually does it.
(bang)
(wacky music)
(squeak)
- [Gary] Ladies and Gentlemen,
the Resident of
the United States.
- I'm against
extremism of any kind,
and personally I feel
that anyone who practices
or advocates extremism
should be taken out and shot.
- I had to stop
singing in the shower
because it was
ruining my dresses.
- Oh hello, friend, this is
Chaplain Bud Homily here
with a thought for today.
Do not be discouraged
by life's little pitfalls.
Even as the storm clouds
gather, hold your head up high.
Hello, friends, this is
Chaplain Bud Homily,
in a hole.
Wet.
- Dick.
- Hmm?
- Why are you
wearing those trunks?
- Because if I
weren't, I'd be arrested.
- Now, ya ding dong!
I assume you've taken up boxing,
is that what you're
trying to tell me here?
- That's right, I thought
I might like to learn
how to defend myself.
- Now why do you want to
be able to defend yourself?
- Well if you're gonna step
in the ring with another boxer,
wouldn't you wanna learn
how to defend yourself?
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
You have a fight scheduled
there do ya there, punchy?
- Matter of fact-Punchy?
As a matter of
fact, I do, tonight.
I got up against Rocky Welch.
- Rocky... Ah, Raquel Welch?
- Huh?
- You trying to tell me
you're gonna get into the ring
with Raquel Welch?
(laughs)
- She can't be much of a boxer.
- No but she's great in
the clinches, let me tell ya.
- Let's go to the
quickies, folks.
(upbeat 60s rock and roll)
- Have ya seen the white whale?
- No, but I saw a black panther.
- I liked ya better
when ya had rhythm.
Ah, this is the
brokerage office of
Airworthiness, Car
swell and Fortis.
This is Eddie Fisher's
business manager.
Listen, take all of his
money and put it into
Penn Central Railroad stock.
(air hisses)
- Hey, you shouldn't
do that, son.
- Hmm?
- Think of all the
starvin' people in China.
- Where are you goin'?
- To the mailbox.
Thursday morning
it'll be in Shanghai.
What'd you get all
dressed up for today?
- Because I love ya.
- Barbara, I thought
I told you to write
"I will not write on the walls"
100 times!
- I did!
- Wrong.
- Quiet on the set
you guys, okay now,
sex education sequence take 72.
Cue the birds.
Now, cue the bees.
Hold the little
bunny rabbits and
get that elephant out of here.
Now for a flashback.
Okay boys.
- Well what did you think
of the quickies, punchy?
- Well I wish I
had time to tell you
but I gotta get to the quickies.
- We just did the quickies.
- What a pity, and I made
all the arrangements already.
- What arrangements?
- Well I called
Audrey, Vera, Felicia.
- We don't do the quickies
by making a lot of phone calls.
- You do your quickies
your way and I'll...
- Those were the quickies folks.
- They certainly were.
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
Oh gracious, good
afternoon, this is Miss Tomlin,
from the telephone company?
Have I reached the party
to whom I was speaking?
Mrs. Martha Mitchell?
Oh, Mrs. Mitchell, we're
calling to verify a request
from a Mr. Jon Mitchell.
He's asked us to
remove all our instruments
from this address.
Yes, indeed, that particular
instrument comes out first.
No, no, no he gave no reason.
Maybe he figures one
more call like that last one
to UPI and his relations
with the press will
go right down the drain.
Hello?
Hello?
Well just as well,
that instrument of hers
always was trouble.
Whenever it was out of
order we always had to
call in Roto-rooter to fix it.
(wacky music)
- Mr. Jonathan Brown, where
do you stand on unemployment?
- I stand in the
line under the B's.
- I see.
"B" for Brown.
- Also for black,
beautiful, and broke.
- Why don't you
stand under the T's?
For tasteless.
I am so tired of you Hawaiians.
- Aloha, mama!
(creepy music)
- Mervyn, that's magnificent.
- It's really gonna be
some kind of great dinner,
Audrey is a gourmet cook.
She has been
working... Here you are!
Our first course!
- Oh, boy, goody!
- Fresh fish caught right
off the Santa Monica Pier.
- Oh, no thank you, there's
probably enough mercury
in that fish to fill
a thermometer.
- I'll pass too, you know,
you can't be too careful
with what you eat.
- No matter.
I'll get the next course.
- Well, here.
- Oh, no thank you.
- All that chlorine,
I don't think so.
- Oh good, salad!
Crisp, fresh greens.
- That's got DDT
in it, I can tell.
- Can't risk the salad,
no offense, dear.
- Oh, of course not, darling!
- Well, you'll just
love the vegetables.
- Oh, I hope they're
organically grown.
- No they're not!
- Uh, well that just
leaves the meat course.
- Oh, we better not, with
the chemicals they feed cow
you just never can tell.
- Hold the beef!
Well, all that's left is
apple pie and coffee!
- Apples have
usually been sprayed.
- Juan Valdez
always seemed to lack
a certain personal daintiness.
- How about another martini?
- Oh, sure!
- I'd like that!
- Mmm these days you have
to be careful what you put
in the ol' tum tum.
- Extra dry!
- Oh, and easy on
the vermouth this time.
- Make mine a double
will you, Whiskers?
- Now another note from
Bartlett's Familiar Pears:
To the pure, almost
everything is rotten.
- I dunno, I'm the type of
guy you can pass on the street
and never recognize.
See?
- It's time once again
to present another lucky,
deserving winner with our
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- And tonight the
prodigious digital honor goes
to the Florida State
Division of Family Services.
- Yes, according to our
most informed source,
the Sun Sentinel and
Fort Lauderdale News,
the only service these good
folks from the Sunshine State
care about is the final
service of their welfare clients.
- Ah, sunset in the sunshine.
Sounds a little sick to me!
- Yes, it does,
that's just the point,
you shouldn't
get sick in Florida.
- Not unless you know the
expected date of your death.
- There are, according to
the Sentinel, many Florida
welfare clients who are
being denied Medicaid benefits
because they can't
furnish officials with their
projected date of death!
- Seems to me that kind of
thing wouldn't have one on
the tip of your
tongue, would you?
- No you would not right
away, but you see it's not
good enough on the
application for Medicaid
there's space for Date of
Death and if it's not filled in,
the application is rejected.
- Hey, I've got a great
idea for Medicaid.
Folk in Florida, fill in a
date, any date, and then
double cross the
welfare and done die.
- That'll fool 'em, my friend,
you may be on to something,
but in the meanwhile,
Florida insists,
tell 'em in advance.
- Well Florida State Division
of Family Welfare Services,
we can't give you the
exact date this ol' fella will
turn to dust, but take it now.
- You'll be surprised
at some of the services
you can get from it.
- Well Anne, things
are finally looking better
for the unemployed.
- You mean they're getting jobs?
- No, scenic welfare checks.
- Hey Barbara, you
know, I'm really in favor
of educational television.
The trouble is when a
student misses a lesson
and he has to get a note
from his television repairman.
- Well I would like to
compliment you on your conduct
throughout the evening.
- Conduct is... Thank you.
- You've handled
yourself extremely well
and I think it's only proper
for you to say goodnight.
- Before I do I wonder if
you'd mind if I said something
my aunt once said.
- I'm afraid we don't have time.
- She was locked in
the meat locker of a
leading grocer in
Keokuck, Iowa for 14 days
with a live moose.
- I don't wanna hear about
this meat locker in Keokuk, Iowa.
- When she came out of
the meat locker I thought that
perhaps what she said there
would be of interest, you know.
- Had something to say did she?
- Almost immediately, yes.
She had a side of beef with her,
as a matter of fact,
and she came strolling
out of the meat locker,
and she said,
"No matter what you
do, don't ever trust
a live moose in a meat locker."
He may also be an
Elk and a Shriner.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
- Dinah!
- Yes?
- Dinah, I see where Joe
Namath has a new doll out.
- Oh, that's not new, he
has one out every night!
- Hey Ruth!
- That's not
funny little rascal!
- Hey I'll say this, when it
comes to making movies,
Raquel Welch can really
show you a thing or two.
- Oh, Dinah, I'm so depressed.
- Oh, you are?
- There's no one above me.
I'm so depressed I built a
tree house in my back yard,
and I can't get my
tree to move into it!
- It could have been worse,
there could have been
a bird's nest.
- My uncle got tired of his
wife checking his collars
for lipstick, you know.
So now he just comes
home without a shirt.
- Oh, hey kids, the school
that I went to was so tough
they could... Oh, naughty nudie!
A grown gentleman doing that!
I don't think so.
- I told my aunt, no wait,
I told my Aunt Louise...
- What did you tell
your Aunt Louise?
- I told her to invest in
something that would be a
comfort to her.
- So?
A comfort to her?
- In her old age.
- Yeah?
So, what did she invest in?
- She went out
and bought a gigolo!
- Dennis!
- You wanna know
something, this...
- [Alan] Pour cold water on that
and make the swelling go down!
You look terrible!
- Oh, very funny, I
can't see the card.
- [Alan] I told ya
not to eat chocolate.
- I told my wife...
You know something,
the fumes in this aren't bad.
- Do you know that a
dollar is worth only 67 cents?
- Say "ah".
- Ah!
I knew that was gonna
happen, why did I do that?
- In the New Year state
parade they put me right behind
Billy Wilder's trained horses.
- Oh, that's a
hard act to follow!
- To pusillanimous pussyfooters
and vicars of vacillation too,
beware the triglogdyctic wit
of my President, Mr. Agnew.
Good night, Mr. Agnew,
you silver-tongued
straight-talker, you.
(wacky music)
- Dinah, it was a gas
having you on the show.
- You're really too much and
now we gotta say good night.
- Good night, Dinah.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dan,
good night, Dick.
Mwah!