Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 2 - Episode #4.2 - full transcript

(fluttering music)

- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

(flighty jazz music)

- Has anyone ever told
you you're beautiful?

- No.

- I'll go along with that.

(laughs)

- Golly gosh, I could
use that one again.

(metal clanks)

- You guys sleeping?



- (laughs)
- Everybody up.

Muffies and
scrambies for breakie.

(laughs)

- Now that un-ku-belie-kable,

un-bele-bikle, I
could believe it.

(laughs)

- Listen, I know
where to pick things up

why don't we all join hands
and we can all go home.

I don't know.

- We switch you now to
beautiful downtown Burbank

police headquarters for
a special police line up

being conducted by
head detective Dan Rowan

and undercover man Dick Martin.

- Alright suspects all lined up.



- Okay when your name
is called step forward.

- [Dan] Alright Arte
Johnson alias Wolfgang

alias Rosemanco,
alias Tyrone F. Foureye

charged with appearing in 68
consecutive Laugh-In programs.

Guilty or not guilty?

- In the language
of my people, nyet.

May the shifting sands of
the desert slide in your silo

and render your
mission incassicable.

(laughs)

- [Dan] Ruth Buzzi
charged with bigamy,

you're allowed one phone call.

- Well, could you make it two?

(laughs)

- [Dan] Alan Sues, you're
charged with two counts

of attempting to
murder your wife,

what do you say?

- Well if at first you don't
succeed, try try again.

Just have to keep
on trying, golly gosh.

(laughs)

- [Dan] Lily Tomlin charged
with stealing a wristwatch

from a department
store, any statements?

- Yes, first of all I
wasn't even in the store,

second I didn't take a
thing while I was there,

and third if that's how
you're gonna treat a lady

well, you can just take
back your lousy watch.

(laughs)

- [Dan] Johnny Brown you're
involved in a serious mugging,

you face up to
15 years in prison,

do you have any statement?

- Yeah, I keep trying to tell ya

I was not the mugger,
I was the mug-ee.

(laughs)

- [Dan] Dennis Allen
charged with leaving

the scene of an accident,
what do you have to say

for yourself?

- That was no accident,
that was my wife.

- [Dan] Ann Elder
charged with littering,

have you any statement?

- Oh yes I do, it's not,
it's in here somewhere.

- [Dan] Harvey Jason
charged with grand larceny

and counterfeiting
how do you plead?

- Guilty your honor.

- [Dan] At last an
honest man, let him go.

Nancy Phillips you're
charged with receiving a stolen

diamond ring.

- Stolen, eek, I've
been molested.

(laughs)

- [Dan] Barbara Sharma charged
with being a public nuisance

and forcibly entering
a producer's office

to persistently
perform auditions.

- That's not true, two,
three, four and (shoes tap)

(laughs)

- Step back in line,
two, three, four halt.

- Is that it?

- No we still have the special
guest, mystery mugger.

- Oh yeah the masked
mother, bring her in!

- Okay masked mother,
what's your name?

- Puddin Tame, ask me
again and I'll tell you the same.

- Cool it wise guy you know
what you're charged with?

- Impersonating Arlene Francis.

- Arlene Francis? (laughs)

- Yes, sticks and stones
may break my bones

but names can never hurt me.

- Take her away,
definite criminal type.

- Come along lil' cutie,
I'll show you my cell,

my badge, and everything.

- Woohoo. (laughs)

- I don't think it was
particularly tasteful

this early in the program
to present that old broad.

I mean woman (laughs)

thank you.

(horn music bit)

- [Narrator] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

are brought to you by Ford,
with the better idea cars

for 1971 including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.

Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen

Nobody knows the sorrow

If only I could be back on
the livery, pickin' the cotton.

(laughs)

Nobody knows the trouble I seen

- Hey man, thanks
for sitting in for me.

Nobody knows the trouble I seen

(game show tune)

(applause)

- Please please please.

- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

- Oh a little tear.

- Hello to you Richard.

- Hi there.

- Here we are second
show of the new season.

Just rolling along.

- I know hey did you get any
reaction to last week's show?

- Oh people loved
it, smash baby.

- No one got uptight about
any of the political material?

- No I said nothing
but good news.

- Did you get any
letters of complaint?

- Mm, why did you?

- Well I don't know, I got this.

Do we know anyone
in Washington DC?

- Oh sure we know
a lot of people,

what does the letter say?

- I don't know, I
haven't read it yet.

- Well let's see.

Yeah we know the,

greetings from the president,
you've been drafted pal.

(laughs)

- Is that all, well I'll
be happy to serve.

Here I am glorious
country, come and get me.

I'm ready to do battle,
to march and to fight

and to find these things
and to know that I...

- Dick, aren't you a little
over age for this kind of thing?

- Oh fap!

- Fap?

- What does age matter
when your country calls?

Here I am secretary Laird,
ready willing and able to serve.

Hup, two, three, four.

(laughs)

- Dick, you're overdoing it.

- What's that old
buddy, I can't hear you?

Over there over there

- Come on listen to reason,
you're not gonna go into...

- Dan, Dan are you out there?

(laughs)

It's getting dark, I can't see.

Coming in on a wing (laughs)

- Well if you can't hear
me and you can't see

you can't march what good
are you gonna be to the army?

- It doesn't matter I can
serve, I can shoot, march,

and bomb, and strafe,
and bang, boom boom!

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.

Coming over (laughs)

- You're crazy!

- Don't tell me, tell them!

I'm coming over

- While Dick
flunks his physical,

we're gonna flunk
a few quickies.

Flunk away Mark.

- Listen kid, burlesque
offers no pension,

no age benefits, nothing.

I've been stripping
for over 35 years

and what have I
got to show for it?

(laughs)

- I wouldn't say she's an old
swinger but did you notice?

She's cross-eyed.

(rock music)

- Okay this is the last hand.

- Oh this is my final chance
to recoup everything I lost.

Here's my bankbook
and I hate doing this,

but here are the keys to my car.

- Alright, look at your cards.

(pants)

(bang)

(groans)

Careful guys, he
may be bluffing.

- Now that's my kind of quickie.

- At that very moment
in another part of town.

- Hello sailor, I'm from
the welcome wagon.

(laughs)

- We return you
now to the aristocrats.

- Roses are red,
violets are blue,

dear Mr. President, we love you.

I know it's not humorous
but it's very patriotic.

(laughs)

- That adorable child is the
only tasteful moment so far.

Rutabagas. (laughs)

- Well, as Reinhold
Schünzel used to say,

"Remember it is better
to have quickied and lost,

than never to have
quickied at all."

(laughs)

I don't understand it.

(laughs)

- How old are you?

- I'm two days old.

- I'm four days old,
let's get married.

- Are you kidding,
you're twice my age.

You dirty old man.

- 35 years a stripper, I
tell ya it's been a long grind.

All I've got to show
for it, is a prerecorded

Dick Martin yelling,
put it on, put it on!

(laughs)

Some days it just doesn't
pay to blow up your balloons.

You know what I mean? (laughs)

- Golly gosh.

(ribbits)

- Have you got
anything for warts.

(laughs)

- Now young people I distinctly
recall asking you very politely

last week to give your
mom a little ringy-dingy.

Some of you didn't.

Now you'd better all give
your mothers a ringy-dingy

this week or else. (snorts)

(laughs)

- Meanwhile back at Bob
and Carol and Ted and Alice.

- Well I'll say this, this is
the best Tupperware party

I've ever been to.

(laughs)

- Folks tonight's quickies
have come to you live

from Burbank.

- The quickies are not
live, everyone knows

we're prerecorded.

The show's on tape.

- Well I know that, as a
matter of fact I'm not even

here right now.

- Well if you're not
here, where are you?

- Well I'm home with
Sheila, live watching me

do the quickies on tape.

- That's absurd. (laughs)

- Golly gosh you mean
I'm here live and home

doing quickies on tape?

- No Dick, your taped
here, your on tape here,

and you're live at home.

- Ah, Sheila says I wasn't
bad at her house either.

- Folks, we'll be right back

after this important
announcement.

- [Narrator] This is
an optical illusion,

actually there are three lines.

But they are touching.

(catchy jingle)

- Little humor there.

- I see.

Well I'm glad you
could do this show.

- Hey I was thrilled,
really to be here

with this turnout and
to sit in Dan's room

and wait to meet you.

(laughs)

That to me was a kick.

(drums)

Why yes you know
I have done talkies.

I find working in the
movies, Kelly's Heroes

was my last big picture.

- This is a plug right?

- No it's just that I have
nothing else to talk about

because your pipe
is burning my suit.

(laughs)

(drums)

- Well that's strange,
you're not really mean.

You're very nice.

- Well basically
yeah, I could come out

and maybe probably do a hymn.

But then I'd live in
two rooms on Figueroa.

(laughs)

(drums)

- You were in that picture
with Clint Eastwood.

- Ah good is this a test?

- Is he a lot of fun?

(laughs)

- Is it true that your show
is coming back on the air?

- No there's no truth at all.

- None at all.

- No I was on another
network but they had trouble,

they ran out of wire.

(laughs)

Little humor there.

Now Dan, could I tell
you something as a friend?

- What's that?

- I never liked
you Dan I'm fed up.

(laughs)

(bell rings)

No but I'll tell you this Dick,

I just want to say
in conclusion to this

wonderful little chat we've had,

I've had a lot of great
moments, who does your clothes?

Emmett Kelly? (laughs)

I just want you to know
Dick that working with you,

give me a break
Dick I was only joking.

I need the job!

Yeah, I hope your show flops!

(laughs)

(bouncy music)

(laughs)

- I'm Suzy Sorority
for the silent majority.

Rah.

Daddy says those kids have
no right to alter my curriculum

'til I'm married.

(laughs)

Rah.

(catchy dance jingle)

- David I think the
reason you're such a great

talk show host is the
fact that you can sit

and listen to other people,
you don't force your opinions

on them, I mean you sit and
listen to what they have to say

you don't interrupt them,
you just sit and listen

and I think that's great.

David?

- What?

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- Do you realize that
the day the President said

if he had any money he would
invest it in the stock market,

it dropped 10 points.

I just hope he doesn't come
out in favor of pantyhose.

(dance jingle)

- The people making movies
today are getting so young.

Last week I started a
picture and the first day

the producer changed the cast.

The actors changed the script,

and the nurse
changed the director.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- Uh uh, girl in our gang
got married last week,

she wants something
old, something new,

something borrowed,
something blue,

so I went out and
picked up a 1948

rebuilt, stolen blue
police motorcycle

and ran it over.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- Time now for a preview
of coming attractions,

coming soon.

Get ready friends, those
frantic, frivolous, fabulous,

fun filled folks
the Farkel family

will return soon with Frank
Farkel and his beloved

Fanny Farkel with
Mark and Sparky Farkel,

Arty and Sparty Farkel,
Fritz and Farkel the twins,

Simon and Gar Farkel and her.

(squeals)

Flicker Farkel and be
sure to be here when

Frank Farkel says to
his beloved Fanny Farkel.

- You're going to have a what?

- Fine looking question
you got there Frank.

- Whoopie.

- Now ladies and gentlemen.

- The moment you've
all been waiting for.

- Here is (horns blare)

- Mervin the magnificent!

(applause)

(mysterious music)

- Mervin, that was
magnificent, ha ha.

- Magnificent, that was
unbeleg-unbeleg-bu-bu.

(laughs)

(babies cry)

- Hey baby, why don't
you come over to my crib

and we can talk awhile.

- Oh don't hand me that line,

what do you think I
was born yesterday?

You really are a dirty old man.

(laughs)

(kazoo jingle)

(woman cries)

(dance jingle)

- My daddy says it's
un-american to teach children

about the birds and the bees.

He feels it's more
important to learn about

the hawks and the wasps.

(dance jingle)

- You think things
are tough today?

My old man worked in
a neighborhood so tough

they thought a mounted
policeman was a cop

who had been to a taxidermist.

(laughs)

- Mr. Rowan, I tell you
all Ireland is up in arms.

This religious war
between the Catholics

and the Protestants with
them fighting each other.

- Well what are
they fighting over?

- Heaven only knows.

(dance jingle)

- If this party was any duller,

they'd probably pick
somebody to run for governor.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- In america, prime time
is between 7:30 and 10.

In England prime time
is between 18 and 40.

(laughs)

- My new picture Kelly's Heroes,

I play a conniving
master sergeant.

- A conniving master sergeant,
isn't that a bit redundant?

(laughs)

- Do you know that
even the thought

of lighting a
cigarette frightens me.

- You mean you're
afraid of smoking?

- No I'm afraid of exploding.

(laughs)

(mumbles)

- If we had an explosive
like that cookie on our side,

the bluebirds would have been

way over the
white cliffs of Dover.

- [Narrator] This is
an optical illusion,

as you move back this
print will appear smaller.

- Coffee, tea, or milk?

- Fly the friendly skies.

- Coffee?

- Tyrone. What
are you doing here?

- Up up and away
my little cookie.

- Oh well, coffee,
tea, or Geritol?

- Oh isn't that sweet, indeed
though my lips are parched

I can't think of
refreshment in this moment

of high passion yet.

- Tyrone control yourself!

- Oh, I can't.

The very proximity of
your warm and lovely body

is nourishment enough
for my pounding heart.

- What are you doing here?

- I hadn't exactly planned
a trip to Peoria but,

when I learned you were
on this bird of paradise

my feet fair flew
up the gangway.

- Tyrone I've told you,
I'm a poor working girl,

trying to make an honest living.

- And I'm just trying to make
a poor honest girl working

happy.

- But you have
to leave me alone.

- Well it's no fun alone.

Therefore can't we perhaps
steal away for an hour's

dalliance in the dim
light of the in-flight movie?

Haven't lost anything have you?

Can we perhaps while
away a few moments

in a quiet corner
of the cockpit.

Can you perhaps very
quickly, fasten my seat belt?

(laughs)

- Coffee, tea, or milk?

(dance jingle)

- Our high school has
just started a karate class,

the instructor did
a magnificent job.

Now he's afraid
to flunk anybody.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- I remember when I was a kid,

my father would take the
family for a Sunday drive

and as we passed through
New Jersey he would say

someday my boy,
all of this will be yours.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- There is no truth to the
rumor that in a recent poll

one person out of five
stated they'd like to see

Spiro Agnew become president.

And that the other four
thought that he already was.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- One ringy dingy,

two ringy dingies,

a gracious good afternoon.

Have I reached the party
to which I am speaking?

(laughs)

This is Ms. Tomlin of
the Telephone company,

have I reached a
Mr. Aristotle O. Nasus?

Good, Mr. Nasus, I was
wondering personally,

what does the O stand for?

Oh, (snorts) my goodness,
you Irishmen certainly do

have a way with words.

(laughs)

Now then Mr. Nasus I'm
calling in regard to an order

we received from your wife.

She wants a solid
gold princess phone.

I think I should warn you,
this instrument could cost

five thousand dollars.

This strikes me, Mr. Nasus
as being, well a rather

callous disregard for money.

I said callous
disregard for money.

Callous, callous,
hello, hello, hello?

(laughs)

(catchy kazoo jingle)

- Boy these blankets are
itchin' and the nurses are dumb,

and the beds are uncomfortable.

- Complain, complain,
if you don't like it here

why don't you go back
where you came from?

You really are an ugly baby.

- You're no bargain.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- Meanwhile in
another part of town,

back at Bob and Carol
and Ted and Alice.

- It's gone, my headache's gone!

(laughs)

(music box tune)

(thuds)

- Who knew there was a
soccer game in the basement?

(laughs)

- I wanted to take this
out because first of all,

I wanted to call you
Mr. Rickles, may I call you that?

- Surely, may I say something,

you gotta get your tongue fixed.

(laughs)

Little humor there.

- Right.

(laughs)

Anyway, you know.

- Wait a minute, Lily leading
comedian, one, nothing.

- Because I remember
the times when,

you remember the slate
when you worked down on,

Slate brothers.

- 'Scuse me, do
you find yourself

in the park a lot alone?

(laughs)

- Right, the thing is.

(dance jingle)

- Hey I just saw a movie
about a white guy who turns

black called Watermelon Man.

I guess if he turned yellow
they'd call him laundry man.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- I never said that if anything
happens to Spiro Agnew,

Richard Nixon might
become our next president.

What I said was...
(dance jingle)

- Wasn't it nice in the old
days when a college student

set out to get a BA, when
it meant bachelor of arts

and not Bank of America.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- David I think you have
the best talk show on TV.

- Oh thank you Barbara.

- And I think you are the
must articulate moderator

that I ever heard.

- Thank you Barbara.

- On top of that, David, you
are darling and handsome.

- Oh Barbara, you're
so kind, thank you.

- It's nothing, Mr. Susskind.

(laughs)

- I gotta idea gang,
why don't we all doze off

and liven things up a bit.

(laughs)

Give me a break
folks, a little humor.

(laughs)

(fast music box jingle)

(laughs)

- I knew they
didn't fix the sink.

(dance jingle)

- Daddy says before I get
married I should be sure

that I can love the
man for a lifetime.

So far my record's only
been a day and a half.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- My club is very upset over
the tasteless living conditions

of those Indians on Alcatraz,
so we're raising money

to buy them a better prison.

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

- I'm opposed to
the literacy test.

I mean, if you don't
have to be smart to run,

why should you have
to be smart to vote?

(laughs)

(dance jingle)

(quick jingle)

(laughs)

My last movie is a war
film called Kelly's Heroes,

I play a master Sergeant
named Crapgame.

- Yeah, must have been a
thrill, how's the picture going?

- Kelly's Heroes, Sergeant
Crapgame bathtub sequence,

take one (snaps), cue the shark.

- In a recent court
case in Los Angeles

involving complaints
against use of suggestive four

letter words in a poem.

The judge ruled that he
found verbal use of these words

spoken in his court
room intolerable.

And insisted that a
system of numbers be used

to replace voicing the
objectionable words.

- The court already
understands your honor,

in place of words
we use the numbers.

For kiss we use seven.

Knee is nine, hand
eight, lips three, touch five,

cheek 10 and sofa 12.

Sofa?

(bangs)

- Very well, call
the case, bailiff.

- Case number 214.

- Watch your language!

(laughs)

What's the charge?

- The plaintiff claims the
defendant said he would

seven her on the
12 with his three.

- Did he actually seven you?

- No, but he tried
to five my nine.

And then he tried to
put his eight to my 10.

(laughs)

- Eight to 10 huh?

What are the odds
that could happen?

- About six to one.

- Shut your dirty mouth boy!

(laughs)

Did you seven this
woman, did you seven her,

come on boy how do
you plead, come on?

- Guilty your honor
but she drove me to it.

- What do you mean
she drove you to it?

- Well I took one look at her
and my digital computer stuck.

I saw numbers you would never
allow in this courtroom judge.

- Your honor, let's go
out and five our nines.

(laughs)

- Let's get a beer first.

(dance jingle)

- Dick did you know that the
human body is worth 97 cents.

- Hey you got
change for a dollar?

(laughs)

- The thing is...
- Hmm.

- What I was trying
to explain to you is,

I wanted to do it, first of all,

because a lot of people
think because it's late

but they probably thought,

you know and that's
probably why nobody came.

- Could I say something?

I find myself attracted
to you tremendously.

- It's not unusual.

(laughs)

- Chaplain Bud Homley here
with the thought for the day.

If you can't say anything
nice about someone,

say nothing at all.

- Blah blah!

(laughs)

(weeps)

(laughs)

- Time once again for
Laugh-In's flying fickle

finger of fate award.

- Well pray tell perfect
partner, who gets

the pertinent
promontory tonight?

- None other then that
venerable body of respected men

the American
Medical Association.

- The devoted doctors whom
we call on in our hour of need

and their lovely nurses
whom we also call on

in our hour of need.

- You got that Dick,
according to a story in

the well known and highly
respected Washington Post,

the AMA house of
delegates this past summer

approved a 10 million
dollar campaign to improve

the image of doctors.

- Well that should give the
merry medics a shot in the arm.

- Certainly should,
but at the same time

they rejected a proposal by
their own special committee,

to attempt to improve
healthcare in the nation

and possibly provide consumers
with a health bill of rights.

- No health bill of rights,
that's a pretty rough

dose to swallow doc.

- So AMA because it seems some
of you might be more interested

in a healthy image
than a healthy country

we have a prescription for you.

- Here you are doctors,
take two of these

and call us in the morning.

(laughs)

- I come from inside my
mommy, where do you come from?

- Outside of Pittsburgh.

(laughs)

- You sure sweat
a lot for a baby.

(music box jingle)

(laughs)

(jingle)

- Blah!

(crashes)

(laughs)

- Oh excuse me miss,
I want to join the army.

- Can you see my hand?

- No.

- Can you see it now?

- No.

- Perfect, we'll make
you a night fighter.

(laughs)

(jingle)

We are wooden toys
wearing wooden shoes

As we march the wooden avenues

In our wooden way
we will spread the news

We are soldiers with reviews

We have wooden
teeth and lips and jaws

And a locked up wooden

Ladies and gents
laughs and looks

At the ladies and
gents laughs and looks

Without ladies and gents

Laugh-In looks at
the news Here's Dan

Heres Dick the news.

- [Narrator] And now
the Laugh-In news

with Mel Tormé in Manhattan,
Edyie Gormé in the Bronx,

Nanette Fabray in Richmond,
Turhan Bey in Brooklyn,

And the King sisters in Queens.

- And now for the human
side of the news (ribbits)

- Good evening this is Dan
Rowan in Hartford, Connecticut.

- And Dick Martin in
Baltimore, Maryland.

Here's tonight's news.

News of the future 10
years from now, 1980.

Today Mia Farrow and André
Previn announced the birth

of their fifth child,
a six pound boy.

The happy couple have not yet
decided on a name for the baby,

either a first or a last.

(laughs)

- Wow that's an oversight.

- Another future news item,
1985, fifteen years from now

in accordance with the
new airline procedure

to prevent hijacking,
passengers are now prohibited

from carrying any luggage
aboard and are required

to travel completely nude.

The results aboard the
chummy skies of United

show not a single
hijacking to date.

However there have been
a rash of every other offense

imaginable.

(laughs)

- Oh, wow, up up and away.

(laughs)

- And now for this
amazing development.

And now for this
late development.

And now for this
amazing late development.

- Time now for our quiet
the rumor department.

- Hello White House,
we have a rumor here

that Mr. Nixon has seen
the motion picture Patton

three times, is
this rumor correct?

- [White House] Well
what's so strange about that?

He's seen The Robe eight times.

- Well thank you very much
and there you have it folks.

Another rumor put
into proper perspective.

- Here's a word from
our man in the field.

- Watch where you stand!

- Guten haben folks.

I guess a few of you
were surprised yesterday

when the temperature
skyrocketed to 87.

I was a little surprised
too since I predicted snow.

(laughs)

All I know is that the weather
bureau told me it would snow,

so that's what I told you.

It's not my fault, I was
only following orders.

Now, orders for today's
weather will be as follows!

It must rain over Frankfurt!

It must rain over Bravenhoff!

It must rain over Düsseldorf!

Today it will rain on Germany!

Tomorrow defiled
long live the Führer!

- While driving across
the Mojave desert in a car

equipped with the new
water filled safety bumper,

Mr. Sandy Cummings died
of thirst when he was unable

to find anything
to collide with.

- Oh wow that's too bad.

- Washington DC in
answer to the question

how can we fight a war that
congress hasn't declared,

spokesmen in
Washington today explained

we're not fighting a
war, we're ending a war.

And we're gonna end
it if it takes forever.

(laughs)

- Seems to me I
heard that song before.

(laughs)

- And now our stock analyst

on the floor of the
stock exchange.

Oops, wrong floor.

Ladies and gents

Laugh-In looked at the news

- Say sweetheart,
how old are you?

- Two days old.

- I coulda sworn they brought
you in here three days ago.

- Alright so I lied
about my age.

- Nobody likes a cheat.

I'm gonna get sick.

- [Narrator] Optical
illusion, connect the dots.

A picture of a line will appear.

(laughs)

- Let's here it out there
for a wonderful act.

The delightful dance team of
Loretta and Mighty Joe Young.

(laughs)

(car engine roars)

- Okay, Roman orgy
scene take five, cue Audrey.

- At last some
semblance of tastefulness.

I've met Audrey and she's
a talented and generous

young lady, thank you.

- Meanwhile back at Bob,
Carol, Ted and Alice's.

- Okay, everybody ready?

- Yes.

- Alright.

- Alright then.

Row row row your boat
gently down the stream

- Hey listen Richard tonight
were gonna take a look

at something you ought
to know a great deal about.

- Well I'm glad
Sheila could get here.

- I'm not talking
about any Sheila,

I'm talking about showbiz.

- That's Sheila alright, you
see she's a topless waitress.

And when you're a topless
waitress, that's showbiz.

- I walked into that one.

- Golly gosh I didn't
even know you knew her.

- Enough, we're about
to take a look at the weird

aspects of entertainment.

The ways people are
entertained and the ways

they entertain themselves.

- Which brings us
right back to Sheila.

(laughs)

- No, buddy boy, it brings
us back to a wacky look

at the weird world
of entertainment.

- It's divine.

- It's pizzazz.

- Lots of dough.

- Lots of jazz.

- You're a star.

- Razzmatazz.

- It's weird.

If you heard the
entertainment world is dreamy

Someone certainly
was giving you the biz

It is shallow It is
sordid It is seemy

What a weird weird
weird weird world this is

Ronald Regan is giving up acting

I reckon Rich is
certainly the trend now

And the wardrobe
features early hers and his

Well it blows the mind
guess we're in the end now

What a weird weird
weird weird world this is

Goldie Hawn for president

Have you seen the
rash of pretty TV widows

If just one is good
then 10 will really pay

So there's Lucy and
there's Julia and the Kiddo

And we've lived to see our

Truthful semi youthful
transcendental sourish day

Now the high priced
actor's future isn't sunny

For example take the
Burtons Dick and Liz

Sure they're loaded but their
pictures don't make money

What a weird weird
weird weird world this is

Here's the world
this is (applause)

- Many people have asked
how a television program

is created, so we're gonna
take you for this exclusive

behind the scenes look
as top network executives

plan next season's shows.

- Alright gentlemen we
need a situation comedy

to fill the 8:30 Tuesday
spot, is the board ready?

- Yes sir.

- Alright, ready.

- I'm ready.

- Aim, fire.

- Okay chief here's
what we've got.

A situation comedy
about a Chinese spinster

with three black and white
sons who are cowboys

and who ride around
on a big furry dog.

What do you think?

- Uh uh uh, been done.

- Oh good, we'll do it.

- You've done it
again, Mr. Lafferty.

- I'm gonna keep on
doing it until I get it right.

(laughs)

- I've heard of television
but this is ridiculous.

- A big producer offered
me a lead in his new movie,

I met him at UI.

- Universal International?

- Unemployment Insurance.

(laughs)

You find a nightclub
drunk was really crummy

Don't insult him with
a knuckle to the chin

He'll be flattered if you
call the dummy dummy

What a weird weird
weird weird world I'm in

Here's the world I'm in

- I'm Kim Wilder,
the agency sent me

about the part of Luann.

- Yes, this girl Luann has
to be intense and strong.

- Oh that's me,
I'm very intense.

- And yielding and soft.

- Oh yes, intense and
strong yet yielding and soft.

- You should be able
to ski through a blizzard.

- Yes intense and strong
yet yielding and soft

while skiing though a blizzard.

- You should be
able to sing opera.

Intense and strong
- Not opera, rock.

Intense and strong while
skiing through a blizzard

- Should be able
to climb a mountain.

- Yes yes, swim.

- Stand intense cold, and heat.

Be a wife and a mother.

- Oh a wife (kissy noises)
- But a good time girl.

(kissy noises)

- What do you say Mr. Rantahoff?

Do I get the part?

- I'm sorry dear I think we're
gonna go with a big name.

Get me Ernie Borgnine.

(laughs)

- I can't sing, dance, or act.

I'd get out of show
business but it would mean

cancelling my weekly TV show.

I auditioned for a
role in Oh! Calcutta!

They said don't emote
just flash a lot skin

It ain't art but it supplies
the bread and butter

What a weird weird weird
weird weird world I'm in

Here's the world I'm in

- Hi folks, we'll be back to
our movie in just a minute,

it's a dingy (laughs)

but first let me tell you about
some of the fantastic deals

we got at our jokes down
here at Funny George's Used

Joke Lot. (honks horn)

Car's on the fritz folks,
the largest gag center

west of Gluck's hillside,
let's go to our first deal.

It's a ring ding,
here it is, folks,

here we have a 1945 one
liner, this is a low mileage,

come back here
Prince, you dumb dog,

and we have only one mile
a joke, only told three times

by an unknown comic in a
small nightclub in Des Moines!

(cymbal crashes)

Let's here it for
Margerite Piazza.

It's got an all new,
over here you dumb dog,

you're as mean as bad,

it's got a whole new set of
plus completely reconditioned

punchline, a real scream
at only folks, are you ready,

only 299, my goodness
George, sharing that

and now folks only
295 a big bargain

next to our next
diesel, a 1938 pun.

How about that one folks,
bring up the luggage Harvey

to Rosita's room (laughs)

and now a 1938 pun of course
carries our famous guarantee.

200 groans, a punch in the
mouth, whichever comes first.

(cymbal crashes)

Now Harvey what
happened to your head?

Now folks in 200 groans,
whichever comes first,

that's the beauty
it's a real steal

only here it is
folks, only 1.98.

1.98 win a box of goobers
and watch it melt all over

your body and the cart.

Now folks (cymbals crash)
let's hear it, I don't know

what I'm talking about
but neither does this show.

Two dollars under the price
in the Joe Miller blue book.

And now don't forget,
we're easy to find

just take any straight
line, any straight line,

make a left at the laugh track

keep going to where the
people are rolling on the aisles

here at the corner of Boffo
and Gavavo (cymbals crash).

Let's here it for
Boffo and Gavavo,

folks don't worry
about my operation

the x-ray is already back.

And now here we
go, kiss my tuba.

Now folks remember our motto
down here at Funny George's

used joke lot, if we
don't have it folks, it died.

Rosita I'm ready.

Now folks back to our
movie, take it away movie.

(applause)

Give me a break go to the movie.

(jingle)

(laughs)

- Whoever said that TV is the
perfect form of entertainment

never, met Audrey.

- Well there you have
it ladies and gentlemen

a glance at the weird
world of entertainment.

- Which reminds me of Sheila.

- Dick, is Sheila the
only thing you can think of

when I mention entertainment?

- No but she's a lot
more fun than Ivan Kolkov

and his dancing bear.

- Give him a chance.

Little films like Z and
M♪A♪S♪H have easy writing

While expensive
darling Lily's in a spin

It's no wonder
MGM is subdividing

What a weird weird
weird weird weird world

A much transpired
cheered feared world

What a weird weird weird
weird weird world we're in

That's the world
we're in (applause)

- Time now for our word
definition department

today I will define the
word procrastinating.

On second thought, forget
it I'll do it some other time.

(laughs)

- Who's your father?

- George E Jessel.

- What a coincidence,
he's my fiancee.

- Whoopee.

- Nurse bring the
smart kid a cookie.

- Hope your milk curdles.

- Meanwhile back at
Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice's

- Boy this has sure
been fun (laughs)

Say would you like to
come up to my place later?

- Certainly not, what kind
of a girl do you think I am?

(laughs)

(music box jingle)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(jingle)

- [Narrator] Portions
of tonight's show

were brought to you by
Ford with the better idea

cars for 1971, including
the new little carefree car

Pinto.

- You're such a nice person,
I feel as if I've known you

all my life.

- Boy wasn't mom surprised.

- Sure was, she
wasn't expecting twins.

(laughs)

- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick,

what have you got there?

- That's what I'm gonna
do on the show next week.

You want to see
a little preview?

- Well if I must.

- Alrighty, who was that
lady I saw you with last night?

(laughs), I understand you
just flew in from the coast.

- Wait a minute, what
kind of act is that?

The dummy hasn't said a word.

- Well don't blame
me I'm doing my part!

(laughs)

- That is the worst
act I've ever seen.

- Hold it, here's where
it really starts to roll now.

They asked me how I knew

- Wait a minute,
you got it all wrong.

- The song doesn't go like that?

- No the song's alright, but
you're supposed to smoke

and he's supposed to sing.

- Oh I didn't know that.

- Say goodnight, dummy.

- Goodnight dummy.

(laughs)

- I read where three out of,

didn't you ever
see a human being?

I read that three out
of four South Americans

live under military law.

- Is that right Don?

- Yes, stop the music
and win a cookie.

The fourth guy is in the army.

(laughs)

- Hey did you hear that
women are conducting

an anti-bra campaign.

- Yes that's what I heard, I
wonder how it will come out.

- Oh god.

- I was so bad in karate
school, instead of a black belt

they gave me a pair of, get
this, lavender suspenders.

(laughs)

- Um, Miss de Milo did you
know that Burbank no longer

has a problem with the
busing of school children?

The bus broke down, they
didn't have a school anyway,

not unlike your arms.

(laughs)

- My husband and I went
on a pleasure trip last week.

We drove the kids
back to boarding school.

(laughs)

- Here's one for ya, when
the postal strike was on

last spring, a lot of national
guardsmen thought that

general delivery was
their commanding officer.

(laughs)

- I'd like to do something
I've never done before, jump.

(laughs)

You're getting on my nerves.

Didn't I see you in the
subway bothering people?

I enjoyed doing this
show, but then again

I also get a big
kick out of the army.

Two down one to go.

(laughs)

The Chicago fire and
the Johnstown flood,

I'm going to suck on your neck.

(applause)

(kazoo jingle)

(explodes)

- Very interesting but
not my cup of schnapps.

- Listen Schtamstal,
the only thing interesting

was the kid Don Rickles.

- Great jumping
Donner and Blitzen,

it's Mr. nice guy himself.

- Oh funny Mr. Nice
guy very witty.

Just for that you
win a pound cake.

- Listen tell me Mr Rickartz.

- It's Rickles Rickles Rickles!

If you took that plastic
pot off your head

you might hear
my name is Rickles.

Ricketz is a disease.

- Sorry Mr. Ricketz.

I wish I had a tongue like
you, you silver fox, you.

You say the most
wonderful things in the world.

- I hope your dog dies
and you cane breaks

go to your bunker you little.

- Don't bother me I have
another speech to make.

- Oh hurry up I'm so lonely.

- Now you know
why we didn't win.

Incidentally, Max Kielman,
keep your eye on Miss Kitty

and Fenster, rumor has
it that they were fockling

last week.

(laughs)

- This is a bad show.

- Long after the box
supper was over (laughs).

Get back in your shell turtle.

- You all come back
real soon now, hear?