Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 17 - Episode #4.17 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Hello Mr. Carson.
- Hello Gladys.
- Mr. Carson, what can I do
to make men take
liberties with me?
(audience chuckles)
- Well you might join the Navy.
(audience laughs)
- I think Laugh-In is a
very, very exciting show.
But then I'm an
extremely dull person.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Montleb...
Mr. Mont... say, friend,
how did the image of all the
Mexicans taking siestas start?
- Well I suppose some
Mexicans actually took siestas,
and then this stereotype
image was portrayed
as being representative
of all Mexicans.
(snores quietly)
- (snorts) Ah,
sorry, for my nap.
What were you saying?
(audience laughs)
How's it going down
there south of the border?
Fun, isn't it.
(audience laughs)
- Now Mr. Rush with
this new insurance policy
you're wife will collect
$100,000 dollars
if you die of natural causes.
Heaven forbid.
She will collect
$200,000 dollars
if you die an accidental death.
Heaven forbid.
- What happens
if he doesn't die?
Heaven forbid.
(audience laughs)
I'm Alabamy bound.
(audience laughs)
(knocking on door)
- Come in.
- Boy have I got a book for you.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank.
NBC, the Naive
Broadcasting Company,
pretends it's
running a test pattern,
and presents Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring vertical Dan Rowan.
And that horizontal
hold Dick Martin.
And Marty Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
Lily Tomlin, And Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder, Nancie Phillips.
And Barbara Sharma.
Plus some surprise
cuckoos, too numerous to hire.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word to those
with a problem in
personal daintiness.
Don't come near me until
you solve that problem.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
Ultrabeam gives your
mouth (whizzing sound)
sex appeal.
(whizzing sound)
Portions of Rowan & Martin's
Laugh-In are brought to you by,
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new little
care-free car, Pinto.
(ragtime piano plays)
(audience laughs)
(gunshot)
- Achoo!
(audience laughs)
- Stop!
- She's the one that started it.
(audience laughs)
- And now folks, here are
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- (together) Whoa, hey!
- Hello everybody how are you?
- Excuse me ladies and
gentlemen, good evening, however.
Would you tell me what
are you dressed like that for?
What is that?
- Well don't we always
open the show dressed up?
- Well, yeah, I'm talking about
the chef's hat and
the apron, what's that?
Don't tell me you're a cook.
- Alright, I'm a
doctor, say Ahh.
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
Ha ha, see that
cough sound awful,
how long have you had it?
- What cough?
- That cough, there it is again,
you ought to see
a doctor about that.
- I'd rather get back
to this ridiculous outfit.
I didn't even know
you liked to cook.
- Heavens to Julia Childs, yes.
I've been cooking
long as I can remember.
- How long is that?
- How long is what?
- I'd be a little interested in
hearing about your
cooking prowess...
- I never cooked prowess.
- You never did that huh?
(audience laughs)
What are you fixing tonight?
- Well, let's see,
the TV's on the blink,
I can have a go at that.
- No, no, come on,
what's your favorite dish?
- Well, there's a little
thing up on the third floor...
(audience laughs)
- Your recipe, what's
your favorite recipe?
- Ah, well as a matter of fact,
I'm very famous
for my potato salad.
- You're famous for
your potato salad?
- Uh huh.
- Who said so?
- You said so, just then,
didn't you hear you?
- Oh yes, I did.
(audience laughs)
What kind of potatoes do
you use, Maine or Idaho?
- Well, in the
Maine I use Idaho,
unless I feel patriotic,
and then I forget the Idaho
- (together) and
remember the Maine.
(laughs)
- What else do you like to
cook, you patriotic fool you.
- Well, I invented a marvelous,
marvelous recipe for egg.
- For eggs.
How do...
- First you put 'em in a bowl.
- Put 'em in a bowl.
- Put 'em in a bowl
first, then you mix 'em up
and put 'em in a frying pan,
and keep mixing ' em
while they cook, see, ha ha.
- Yes, scrambled eggs.
- Hey, that's a
good name for 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Nothing unusual
about scrambled eggs.
- Well there is when
you serve 'em like I do.
- How's that?
- On a flaming sword.
- Oh, oh, oh.
How can you serve
scrambled eggs on a sword?
- You just gotta be quick.
- Yeah, you're quick.
- But it also pays to know
a little bit about first aid.
- Oh yeah, just
in case you miss.
- Yeah.
- Also pays to go
to the cocktail party,
would you like
to join me chef...
- Good idea, I'll
just put... hear hear,
I'll put an extra banana
in the beef stroganoff
and I'll be right along.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- You know Hollywood is one town
where a girl can
profit by her mistakes.
Last week I made
so many mistakes,
I made a profit
over $1,000 bucks.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- You know, being
fat's not so bad.
If I put on another six
pounds I can qualify for aid
under urban renewal.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- I decided to give up
my psychiatry practice
because I couldn't cope
with my drinking problems
and sex problems.
But as soon as I get those
problems of mine solved,
I'm going back to work.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- I started out in the
newspaper business
at the age of eight
as a copy boy.
But as things developed
I became a girl reporter.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- The ex-Secretary of
the Interior, Stewart Udall,
is currently doing a detergent
commercial on television
in the hope that the detergent
will help cut down on pollution.
Now if we could only get
the Secretary of Finance
to do one on taxes.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Ah uh.
I could tell you
one thing though,
I've had enough of the violence.
I'm tired of all
the name callin',
and having things thrown at me.
Tomorrow, I'm going
to leave my wife.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Salam Alaikum Mes Amis.
I bought Ari a birthday present
but I had to take it
back and exchange it
because it was too small.
It was the Bank of England.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Boomer here.
The other day at the tennis club
I saw three sets of doubles
you wouldn't believe.
There was Raquel Welch, Ursula
Andress and Audrey Hepburn.
Well, two out of
three ain't bad.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Oh, I felt so dumb
on the movie set today.
The director kept telling me
"okay let's take
it from the top."
How did I know he
didn't mean my clothes.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Whoop!
Oh careful Boomer.
Was that a little pat on
the po-po you just gave me?
- You noticed.
(audience laughs)
I wanted to talk to you honey.
That's a terrific looking
dress you're wearing.
All you really need
is a matching bag,
to go over your head.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Meanwhile in
another part of the room.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Ah, it's Glug Chilside.
- You know, Dick, I
don't like parties like this.
I'm more of a homebody.
- Well good, you have your
body at my home at 8:30.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
(audience applauds)
- Ahh thank you ladies
and gentlemen, thank you.
As you know we are
gathered here today to dedicate
this statue of our beloved
citizen, Mr. Laslo Potts.
Before Mr... uh... uh
Laslo Potts arrives,
I would like to introduce
the talented sculptor
who created this likeness
of our great leader.
Would you please help me welcome
Mr. Ignats Hookstratten.
(audience applauds)
Thank you, I
appreciate it, very nice.
Ignats, Ignats, oh gosh.
Gee, I hope you were able
to capture a true likeness
of our beloved Laslow Potts.
- Yes, I happened to feel that
this is one of the finest
nudes I've ever done.
(audience laughs)
- Nud... ahh... ha ha, nudes.
You mean to tell us
you've done a nude statue?
- Not even a fig
leaf, it's magnificent.
- I don't what
you call it, Ignats,
you can't unveil a nude
statue on television.
Now you gotta do
something about it right away.
- What can I do, do
you have a barrel handy?
- Ahh, do something, anything,
we only got 30 seconds left.
Now you get under there
and you do something.
- Alright.
- Uhh, get... Ladies and
gentlemen, there will be a
slight... get that...
delay in the unveiling.
Now as you all know Mr. Potts
has done a great
deal for our community.
Is this gonna take long?
- Well maybe, if I just
painted a black mask on him?
- This is ridiculous,
you folks will have
to excuse me... I'm...
(audience laughs)
Oh good heaves, what
have you done to this thing?
- [Ignats] As you can
see I moved this over here,
and I'll take that
and I'll bring it around
so it lines up over here, okay.
- [Man In Tux] Don't you
think it would work better
if you moved it back.
Then it wouldn't be there.
That's facing the wrong...
no that wouldn't work either.
(group talking over each other)
- [Man In Tux] Be careful.
- [Ignats] This
wouldn't hurt it.
(fabric rips)
- Now what Mr. Potts will say.
- It's amazing.
I only went in for one sitting.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes The Weasel" plays)
(music stops)
(music starts)
(boing)
(audience laughs)
- Come on, let's really hear
it out there for these kids.
I gotta lot of talent,
let's really hear it.
(audience laughs)
(explosion)
- Gee Dina, you must have
the biggest fan club in the world.
- What makes you say that?
- Well everyone I know
belongs to the Diners Club.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, who's the guy card
that gets credit for that joke?
Get it?
(audience laughs)
- Ooh feisty little
devil aren't you.
- Good luck.
- I want her milk, I want hers.
Ahh, I want hers,
why can't... (screams)
(audience laughs)
- It's gone.
My headache's gone.
But I've got a terrible
pain in my antlers.
(audience laughs)
- You know Mr. Montalbán
you have a reputation
of being a great Latin lover.
- Yes, and I hope my wife
never finds out about it.
- Why not?
- She's Irish.
(audience laughs)
- Si.
- (Both) Hmm.
- Uhh.
- Oh, get a hold of yourself.
(audience laughs)
(burlesque music)
Come to your loving cabaret.
We'd like to chase
your cares away.
Welcome to Burbank
handsome Marine.
Dance with me Sailor,
don't you be a meanie.
First we will pour
a little booze.
Then we will
dance off our shoes.
Every dance we lock
up the door, oh jump.
'Cause that's when
we look at the news.
With Dan and Dickie.
Laugh-In will look at the news.
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And here's
the Laugh-In news,
with Bella Lugosi in
the still of the night.
Truman Capote in
your Easter bonnet.
Desi Arnaz in a
little Spanish town.
And Georgie Jessel
in my mother's eye.
With Dan Rowan down
the Mississippi River
and Dick Martin up the creek.
(audience laughs)
- A paternity suit
involving pianist Liberace,
and topless dancer Irma
LaBounce was filed today
in Beverly Hills, California.
The charges in
the suit were termed
as absolutely ridiculous by
the incredulous Ms. LaBounce.
(audience laughs)
- Future news, 1972.
Bowing to pressure from
women's liberation groups,
the Statue of Liberty
has been remodeled
and is now bra-less.
(audience laughs)
The bow, incidentally,
was spectacular.
(audience laughs)
- Following a report by
scientists that a cloud of dirt
was hovering over Massachusetts,
authorities today, sent for
the Army Corps of Engineers
to disperse it.
However, because
of a severe rain storm,
the plane in which they
were flying is now lodged
42,000 feet above
the city of Boston
in a huge mud puddle.
(audience laughs)
- News of the future, 1976.
A report was released today,
stating that a revolution
was virtually impossible
in this country...
Oh excuse me that was
news of the past, uh 1776.
(audience laughs)
- And now for these important
words about polluted rivers.
- Dam them.
(audience laughs)
- Here's our stock market expert
to tell you a sure-fire way to
make money on Wall Street.
- Stick 'em up.
- Are you kiddin'?
(audience laughs)
- And now for this late flash.
- Anything you say.
- Now these words
from our sponsor.
- Buy something.
- The children's movement
to end the war in Vietnam
gained momentum today
when a platoon of nine-year-olds
attacked and captured
the city of Hanoi,
using GI Joe mortars
and machine guns,
Tiny Timmy Tanks and
a secret anti-atomic bomb
equipped with a nuclear warhead
and dropped from a
plastic Sweetheart Susie
inter-continental
ballistic missile.
(audience laughs)
- The children are looking
forward to next Christmas
when they hope to
receive enough equipment
to launch an all-out
assault on Peking.
(audience laughs)
- Hollywood California.
The first-annual gathering
of Zsa Zsa Gabor's
ex-husband's was held today.
(audience laughs)
That's the wrong picture there.
- Hold it, that may
be the right one.
There's only two guys missing.
(audience laughs)
- Well never
mind, forget it Dick.
Continuing it's battle
against pollution,
the Department of the
Interior has proposed
to allow all
productive oil wells
to continue in operation
to close down all
unproductive wells.
We take you now, to
Washington, to interview the author
of this unusual proposal.
Sir, who will be affected
most by this move
to close down all
unproductive oil wells.
- Obviously the owners
of abandoned gas stations.
We've cut off their non-supply.
(audience laughs)
- What will happen
now that you've put
all these unemployed
people out of work?
- Let me illustrate it this way.
(slide whistle blows)
- Here, here, here.
And there you had a man
who was pumping no gas at all.
Now naturally, when
you cut that in half,
there are bound to
be some hardships.
- Ah, do you expect
any major repercussions?
- No, I do not, since the people
we put out of work on the chart,
were out of work already,
there'll be no increase
in unemployment.
- How does this
closing down of oil wells,
that were already closed
down, help stop pollution?
- It doesn't.
The move was designed
to offend no one.
- Have you received much
reaction to this proposal?
- Actually we've
been overwhelmed,
by a groundswell of apathy.
The people have raised
their voices in silence.
- One final question, sir,
how do you keep you
mind sharp for this job?
- Well I hang around
the racetracks a lot.
And every once in a while,
I find a dead horse,
and I go out and I beat it.
(audience laughs)
- And now for a
late news bulletin.
- Here's Calvin Coolidge.
Well, he's late again.
- Oh yes, I remember him.
The late Calvin Coolidge.
- [Dan] That's what they say.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
Dah dah dee dum oh charm.
'Cause ladies and gentlemen
loving has looked at the news.
(audience applauds)
- Mr. Vidal, as a
political observer,
would you say that as
far as bringing us together,
the administration is doing
poor job, bad job, or what?
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
- Hi gang.
You may remember that
last year, all through the year,
we poked fun, many times,
in a good-natured spirit,
at the honorable mayor
of our city of Los Angeles.
And some of these jests
have made reference
to his frequent travels
outside of Los Angeles.
I'm sure you heard
about some of those trips.
- Yeah, well a few.
- By way of apology tonight,
we would like to salute
this wonderful, dedicated
public servant as we proudly
present the Sam Yorty story.
- Sam Yorty was born
on October 1st, 1909
in Lincoln, Nebraska.
- Hmm.
- He's a fine boy.
Someday our son
may be president.
- Oh, yes, this is such
a momentous occasion.
If only Sam could
have been here.
(audience laughs)
- At the christening, friends
and relatives gathered.
- Someday he might
even be governor.
- Oh yes, oh this is such
a momentous occasion.
If only Sam could
have been here.
(audience laughs)
- And he is fondly recalled
by his high school principal.
- Yes I felt someday Sam
might even Secretary of Defense.
This was his high
school yearbook.
If only Sam could
have been here.
(audience laughs)
- So he left school, and
he married a fine woman
who, on their
honeymoon remarked.
- If only Sam could
have been here.
- And finally he
went into politics.
He was sworn in as
mayor of Los Angeles
for the first time in 1961.
- This is a momentous occasion.
If only Sam could
have been here.
- Sworn in for the
second time in 1965.
- If only, well...
- And so tonight to honor
this momentous occasion
we are proud to introduce
the Mayor of Los Angeles.
The Honorable Sam Yorty.
(audience applauds)
Sam Yorty.
- [Gary] If only Sam
could have been here.
- Good night Mr. Yorty,
wherever you are.
(jet flies overhead)
- Okay, quie...
(clapper claps)...
Quiet on the set,
places everybody.
For the Santa
Barbara beach scene.
Take one, queue the oil slick.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
- Okay now queue the alibis.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
And head up the
campaign contributions.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
Waiter, check.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
- Hey, do you have
anything laid aside?
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm talking about
for your old age.
- I certainly am.
Old granddad.
Old tailor.
- Old crow.
- Sure.
That's no way to talk to a lady.
(audience laughs)
- I was just kidding.
- Well I don't like it.
(snorts)
(audience laughs)
("Pop goes the Weasel" plays)
(music stops)
(music continues loudly)
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
But why couldn't they
play a nice little march?
Oh well, stay right.
We'll be tuned back.
Whew, that's ungulibagable.
- Have you tried the
Ed McMahon cocktail?
Drink two, then you drink
more, then drink two more.
Then you come to
work and you try to talk.
(audience laughs)
- Here's the Ed
Sullivan cocktail.
Two drinks and
you're even stiffer.
(audience laughs)
- Here's the Audrey
Hepburn cocktail.
Two drinks and you get
a craving for pancakes,
or three drinks
and you're flattened.
(audience laughs)
- There's a Tiny Tim cocktail.
Two drinks and old man
Scrooge steps on your ukulele.
(audience laughs)
- Have you tried the
Dean Martin cocktail?
You have two, and then
two more, and then two more,
and then two more.
(audience laughs)
- Have you tried the
Martha Mitchel cocktail?
Two drinks and a
john heads for you.
(audience laughs)
- There's the Pat
Boone cocktail.
It's warm milk spiked
with a jigger of cream.
(audience laughs)
(cymbal clashes)
(audience laughs)
- This portion of the
show is brought to you
by Festoons
Double-Indemnity Insurance.
It protects you against
topless waitresses.
- Johnny, I understand that
you are the master of
prestidigitation, whatever that is.
- Well prestidigitation,
my little mountain bird,
is the magicians trade.
Where the hand is
quicker than the eye.
- Oh, well could I... let's
see you do something.
- Whoa. (laughs)
- Wanna see it a gain?
(audience laughs)
- Whoa. (laughs)
- Mr. Yorty, as
mayor of Los Angeles,
which would you say is the
most beautiful city in the world?
- Well, of course, you
know I'm very objective.
And I would say
really that Los Angeles.
And I should know, because
I've really seen them all.
- That's true.
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
- Excuse me, could you direct
me to Salvador Dali's house?
(audience laughs)
- Well, Dirk, in
tonight's mod world
we salute cigarette commercials.
- Hey, you know I haven't
seen them on television lately.
- Precisely, and
do you know why?
- Well, I haven't been
watching television lately.
- That's just part of
the reason, Elmer.
- See, I've been awfully busy.
- Oh have you?
- Yes, I had a few friends
over to try the funky chicken.
- Oh, that's that
nutty new dance.
- No, it was dinner, I told you
I was a good cook, you know.
- So you cooked funky
chicken for dinner.
- It wasn't easy either,
I'll tell you that, boy.
Six and half hours
getting it ready.
- Six and a half hours,
that seems a little
long to cook a chicken.
- Well I only cooked the
chicken for thirty minutes,
but it took the rest of
the time to catch him,
you see, he was across the road.
- What was he doing
across the road?
- To get to the other side.
Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
Tricked ya.
- That's terrible.
- No it's delicious, you
just add a pinch of salt,
two olives and cook
it in a Greek urn.
- If you think I'm gonna
ask you what's a Greek urn...
- About a buck and a half!
(audience laughs)
- Oh no.
- Gotcha again,
I love that joke.
- Yes, I see.
- I love that joke.
- Well I hate it and your
cooking's as bad as your jokes.
You're not gonna
have guests over
for dinner very often anymore.
They come one time and
you'll never see 'em again.
- No, no, no, no.
- No repeats.
- I'm gonna be very,
very busy next summer.
- Why do you say that?
- Well because as
they were leaving,
everyone said it'd
be a cold day in July
before they ever
some back again.
(audience laughs)
That's three in a row.
- Yeah, I'm counting 'em too.
While he's reveling in
his salute to stale jokes,
let's get back to
cigarette commercials.
- No thanks, I quit.
- Yeah, well so has television.
Since the first of the year
cigarette companies can't
advertise on TV anymore.
- Heavens, what are they
gonna do for a sponsor?
- What are we gonna do?
Well we don't worry about that.
We got companies
like Breck and Ford.
- Breck and Ford?
People haven't
smoked them in years.
- Oh, come on.
You've got limits.
Look, Dick... (audience laughs)
It's okay.
And congress has
banned all further cigarette
advertising on television.
And tonight Laugh-In
pays its respects
to an institution
that has enriched
the lives of so many...
- Doctors.
- Doctors.
- Gotcha.
- That's four.
- Buck and a half an hour.
- Oh.
Goodbye Silverton Man
we'll miss your Lady fair.
Bye bye to glues you nicotine
fools polluting up the air.
A goodbye dancing
Dorel, I guess it had to be.
Lest I compromising
softly agonizing
No more cigarette
advertising on T...
Smoking is good for you
no matter what they say.
But no more cigarette
advertising on TV
(group coughs)
- I see where they...
They took a... (coughs)
cigarette advertising
off television.
(coughs)
- Yeah, I wonder why.
(coughs)
- I tell you, this
ban on television
cigarette commercials
is gonna ruin us.
We stand to lose 10
million dollars this year.
- Well don't worry
chief. I've already
got a tremendous
cigarette campaign
lined up in other
medias, look right here.
We can put cigarette
commercials in movies,
magazines, billboards.
We can fill the newspapers
with cigarette ads, hah!
- Well how much of our loss
do you think this will make up?
- Practically the
whole 10 million.
- Oh that's marvelous.
Oh, that's good news.
Here, have a cigarette.
- No thanks, I never touch
'em, oh they're bad for ya.
(audience laughs)
I hope some job comes along.
'Cause things are really slow.
I came a long way baby.
But I ain't got no place to go.
- Why did TV do away
with cigarette advertising?
- Because it was killing
a lot of their audience.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know
what you could save
if you never bought
another package
of cigarettes for
the rest of your life?
The rest of your life.
- And now we take
you to Marlboro country.
Now that's what I call flavor.
- Mr. Marlboro Man,
can you tell me what it is,
that's your going to do now that
your not going to be
on television anymore?
- Oh, something that I've
been dying to do all these years.
- What is that?
Wash off this stupid
tattoo and start coffee.
(audience laughs)
- Oh gee, that sure
doesn't sound like
the rugged he-man you portray.
- You wanna know the truth?
I'd rather switch than fight.
(audience laughs)
- Hey listen, if you really
want get through your dad,
go down to the bijou,
they're showing three films
and a band from television.
- Oh wow, what are they?
- I am curious yellow, and
two cigarette commercials.
(audience laughs)
- Oh heavy.
- They're terrific.
I hope somebody will
solve this silly mystery.
You can take me
out of the country but.
You can't put me on TV.
(audience laughs)
- People who smoke in bed
usually stop once
they get the fire put out.
(audience laughs)
- Do you smoke
while you're necking?
- I don't know, I never looked.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I'm glad
the television industry
gave up cigarette advertising.
Maybe that's what's
been stunting its growth.
(audience laughs)
(coughs)
- Now that's what I
call a smoke signal.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Look at it this way,
if you give up smoking,
you might just live a
silly millimeter longer.
(audience laughs)
(back cracking)
- Ooh, my back is killing me.
I better give up smoking.
(audience laughs)
I made so many
commercials I was getting rich.
So when you start
switching my job around.
(together) We'd
rather fight than switch.
(audience laughs)
- Boy, whew, the
smog is terrible today.
I mean, I can hardly breathe,
(audience laughs)
Now that's better.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- They say the
danger from smoking
is somewhat
reduced by filter tips.
But there's one tip
that's even better.
(whispering) Don't smoke.
(audience laughs)
- You know Jed, I'm worried
about out loss of revenue
from cigarette commercials
going off television.
- Well don't worry
about it chief,
we've figured out a gimmick.
Come on in guys.
You see, this is a
sketch that takes place
in a basement workshop.
Alright guys, do the sketch.
- Okay.
- Whew, I'm ready.
- Will you help me get this
piece of wood out
of the "vice Roy"?
- Viceroy, get it?
Okay, now somebody
knocks on the door
(knocks on door)
and Roy says.
- Get the "door Al."
- Doral, see that?
Okay, now they open the
door and a guy walks in.
Open the door.
- Hi, "Winston".
How are things going?
- Everything's cool.
Just for a lot, Sally
"Virginia Slim" and I,
we thought we'd
go up to "Newport,"
so we'd get a couple of
boats and we'd "Salem."
Would you guys
like to come along?
- No, no, uh, uh.
We're too tired.
You see last night,
"Phillip," "Morris,"
Al and I, went bowling.
And Al, here, got a
real "Lucky Strike,"
and knocked pins "Pall Mall."
- That's it chief,
what do you think?
- Well Jasmine, I think you
may have something there.
Have you got a host yet?
- Oh yeah, bring 'em in,
bring 'em in, bring 'em in.
- This is the best part.
- Hi everybody,
I'm Glen "Camel."
(audience laughs)
- Huh?
- You're all fired.
- You couldn't hate that,
there's nothing
offensive about that.
(audience laughs)
There's no more
cigarette advertising on TV.
They say that the letter
we wear on our sweater
Is just a great big "C."
We've all smoked something
or other down through history.
So let's start realizing
costs are really rising.
We need cigarette
advertising on TV.
What do you want, good
business or good health?
(audience laughs)
(goofy kazoo music)
(gunshot)
(duck quacks)
("Pop Goes The Weasel" plays)
(music stops)
Pop goes the weasel
- No, no, no, you yo-yo, it's
- (both gently) Pop
goes the weasel.
(boink)
- Thanks Dick.
Hey, have a cookie.
(honk)
- When you read my book
"Myra Breckinridge" remember,
there are two
sides to every story.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
(slide whistle)
- Mayor Yorty, what do
you think the far left liberals
can bring to the
democratic party?
- Gee, you know that puzzles me,
but they could
bring potato salad.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
(glass shatters)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have with us
a great guy, pal of ours,
he's out here on
the coast right now.
And we'd like you
to meet this guy...
- (both) Johnny Carson!
(audience applauds)
- Oh John, by golly.
Hey that is nice looking
wig you're wearing.
- Yeah.
- If I didn't know any better,
I'd swear that was real.
- This is real.
- Huh?
- This isn't a wig.
- No kidding?
Geez, I would have
sworn that was a wig.
- For your information
I don't need a wig.
- Well we didn't
say you needed wig.
- Much better.
- We said you had a wig.
(audience chuckles)
- I do not own a wig.
- Then whose wig is it?
(audience laughs)
- I happen to have
a full head of hair.
- Sure, but under it,
complete baldness.
(audience laughs)
- What does this look like?
- I looks like the old $99
special from Wig City.
- This is not a $99 special.
- Harry gave you a discount?
(audience laughs)
- Who's Harry?
- Harry's the owner of Wig City.
- Yeah.
- The owner of
Wig City is Harry?
- No, he's bald.
(laughs)
But you'd never know it
by looking at him John.
Great wig, like yours.
- How could you miss
noticing he was bald?
- Well, he wears a wig.
- Sure.
It's a beauty.
- Look, for your
information, Dick,
women wear wigs,
men wear toupees.
- Ahh, that explains
why Harry wears a dress.
You know a lot of
people are getting
a little worried
about old Harry there.
(audience laughs)
Yes sir.
- Why don't you just forget
about Harry and his wig.
- Look, you're not mad are ya?
- No, it's just that
I don't wear a wig.
- (laughs) okay, John.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
- What is it?
- How are those new
teeth working out?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, come on guys, stop it.
You gotta be careful
with my image.
- That's what we've
been trying to tell ya.
You know if you'd get
some new teeth and a wig,
we could take
you to the quickies.
- Yeah, we're not gonna...
- Gotcha again! (laughs)
- We're not gonna go
to the quickies with John.
- Ahh, yeah, you're right.
- Not in that outfit.
- You know, nobody will
ever invite him to the quickies
with a wig and those bad
teeth, I guess, we'll see ya.
- Shape up, John.
(galloping horse sound)
(boing)
(groovy sixties music)
- Sir, the first
recruits are here
for the all-new volunteer Army.
- Alright Gomer, send 'em in.
(audience laughs)
- You dropped your hat, Miss.
Well first of all, we're
gonna need some officers.
Anyone here a college graduate?
High School graduate?
Jr. High School?
- I'm house broken.
(audience laughs)
- Well you can be a major.
- I just can't get off
the ground with this.
(groovy sixties music)
- Doctor Spritzler I would
like you to meet Tony Fantosi.
- Pleased to meet ya.
- How many times have I told ya,
I'm not Doctor Spritzler, I'm
a chicken salad sandwich.
(galloping horse hooves)
(groovy sixties music)
(boing)
(audience laughs)
(galloping horse hooves)
(groovy sixties music)
(birds chirp)
(audience laughs)
(crickets chirp)
(birds chirp)
- That was a swish pan.
(galloping horse hooves)
(boing)
(groovy sixties music)
- Skin the lid on,
come on, give it.
Oh wow, I love baby, hey
man, like what's happening?
Where's it at?
Tell me, ooh love.
- Straight down the hall
second door on the right.
- Ooh, ya saved me, I
love, I'm gonna get there.
(audience laughs)
- You know, there's
nothing that cools me off
more than a good can of beer.
Ahh, now that's cool.
(groovy sixties music)
- Hi.
- Sorry to bother you
so late at night Bill,
but the TV set's
not working again.
- I don't know what your
talking about, Shirley.
Now I think the picture's fine.
Shirley, honest to Pete.
Bill, Bill, you're
wasting your time,
the picture's perfect,
I'm very happy with it,
Shirley, you just...
- I don't know honey.
I keep seeing wavy lines
and snow and double images.
- I don't know how to tell
you this Mr. Fagengrants,
but there's nothing
wrong with your set,
but I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to take
your wife in to the shop.
(audience laughs)
- Could I at least
have a loaner?
(audience laughs)
- What sort of
work do you do sir?
- I'm a town crier.
- Ahh, a town crier, eh?
Well, could I see a
sample of your work?
- Certainly.
- Yes.
(whimpers)
- Billy Applewood.
- Oh!
( both cry)
- Cincinnati.
- San Francisco.
- I don't want a job here.
- There's nothing
like the quickies.
- I don't know was Waldo
the crocodile wrestler there?
- Uh, No, no he wasn't there.
- Then I didn't like it.
- Would you have liked him
with Waldo, crocodile wrestler?
- No, frankly, I
don't like him either.
- But the quickies were good.
- I give up.
- Yeah, so does Waldo,
two shows a night.
- Two shows a night.
- Yeah.
- (Both) One, two, three,
- Good, catch, you got 'em all.
- Five out of five.
(silly kazoo music)
(fighting sounds)
(slide whistle)
- The name of your
show is Dina's Place.
Now why didn't you
call it Shore's Shop?
- Well surely Shore Shop
shounds sugary and shallow,
and surely Shore's wouldn't
show shoddy showmanship,
so shouldn't you
shape up and shut up,
or ship out or shomthing?
- Sure.
- No, Shore.
- You're darn right you are.
(audience laughs)
("Pop goes the Weasel" plays)
- No, no, no.
- You know you want this.
- No, no.
(slide whistle)
- Dick?
(Dick groans)
- Ooh, I'm a new kid.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal, I know this
is putting you on the spot,
but what is the
funniest comedy show
you've seen on TV this year?
Well, I'd say it was a toss-up
between the President's
State of the Union message,
and Laugh-In.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(sneezes)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Mercy, here comes
another pigeon.
(audience laughs)
- Right this way.
Now, Mr Bruce will be with
you in just a minute madam.
- Oh!
Don't call me madam.
(audience laughs)
- Little dab'll do ya.
(singing gibberish)
Oh! (laughs creepily)
I've come to uh, see if you have
terminal dandruff my darling.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh,
you're not Mr. Bruce.
- No.
- What have you
done with Mr. Bruce?
- Oh, I love you
when you're angry.
Believe me, my blossom,
I never laid a hand on 'em.
I'm just filling
in for Mr. Bruce
while he gets his
smock un-starched.
- Well, alright, I guess.
I've come for a styling.
- Oh, trust me my dear,
you couldn't put your head
in better hands.
I just was wondering
if I might be allowed to
fondle your bangs
before they dry?
(audience laughs)
I was curious if I
might be allowed to
tease your tresses
before they set?
- Oh!
- I was wondering
if I might be allowed
the final rites before
the ambulance arrives.
(audience laughs)
Ooh, ahhh, oh terminal dandruff.
(groovy sixties music)
- It's not easy being
the mayor of a city
with the highest crime rate,
crowded living conditions,
and of course,
unbearable traffic problems.
I certainly pity poor
Mayor John Lindsay.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. C... you know what
I'm s... I have some...
First of all I never
miss your... you know...
And I must...
something ha... so fast...
Something happened the other...
I just wanted to tell
you about because,
first of all ten
o'clock... I never...
I always jump right and...
you know just to get ready...
And I jump in then I
take a little... you know...
Suds and I... you
know do it... to get...
With antici ...then I
put a little dab I perf...
I perf... you know I put
a little perf... everyplace
and then I have this...
and I put on little kind of...
I have a little
night a little flimsy...
Kind of... you know...
you see... I wish...
I really wish you
c... because then I...
I jump in the... I
jump... I turn it...
and I jump in the bed
and I plu... you know...
I... and I always
have a little uh...
I always have a little
sna little milk and cook...
Because I don't
want... you know,
I don't want to disturb
him... I wanna be in...
Then I... then I...
a little Ed McM...
With those little... you
know those little chub...
And he comes out and
he says 'Here's John"...
And then you wa... and then
you walk and you have fan...
You really do have a
fant you know, your physi...
- This broad is sick.
(audience laughs)
- And you tell those
little... kind of...
Very very tittil... it tur
you know it rally turns...
It's a kind of... and
really I get so excit...
And the other night I
actu I turned over my...
And my mil... it just...
and I was sitting, right,
with soggy cookies.
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
(gunshot)
(goofy music)
(gunshot)
(gunshot)
- Very interesting.
- But not very tasteful.
- Wait a minute.
Didn't I once see you in a
Dusseldorf meat market?
Next to the sausage?
- What makes you say that?
- 'Cause you
look like the wurst.
(audience laughs)
- That was very distasteful.
- The bratwurst was distasteful,
but the knockwurst
was ungeliebabe...
What, by the way, liebchen,
what are you doing here anyway?
- Well, my gauche man,
I'm here to see that this group
of rubbled rowdies
behaves tastefully.
- What do you mean
gauche ray man?
What does a pickle-pus like
you know from the word taste?
- That was very much I
expected from someone
who is as short on taste
as you are short on height.
(audience laughs)
- I could become violent.
(audience laughs)
You know, when I met her in
that Dusseldorf meat market,
I never should have
taken her off the hook.
(audience laughs)
Big, dumb, dumb
person with bad...
I don't like the way
she dresses either.
Tight lips!
(audience laughs)
(humming "Pop goes the Weasel")
(audience laughs)
- You're all wet.
(audience laughs)
- [Gary] Portions or Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by, Ford.
With the better idea cars
for 1971 including the new,
little care-free car, Pinto.
(silly music)
- Well, before we say goodnight,
we have a marvelous show
planned for next week and we...
- (snorts) I just
heard a funny joke.
- Yeah, well you don't have
to tell it right now do you?
- Well I'd love to, you see.
You see this guy had an act
with a dancing flea,
and a dancing ant.
- Yeah.
- Actually the
flea was a singer,
and the ant was dancer, you see.
- Well one night, the
flea said to the ant,
"I think I'll go out and
put on the dog." (laughs)
So the ant said,
(laughs) so the ant said...
- Well, what's the ant say?
- Well nice of you to ask,
my goodness she
send her love to you too.
- Oh your aunt has a message.
- You know, she wanted me
to tell you about the time that
she was stuck in the baggage
car of the 20th Century limo.
- Oh, dear, some time ago.
- Oh, recently,
as a matter of fact.
Right between
Chicago and New York,
with the entire NBC
television news staff.
- Now that's ridiculous, what
would the NBC news staff
be doing in a baggage car?
- Well I don't know, but
just as they were pulling out
of Grand Central...
- Yeah.
- I heard Aunt Bertha say,
"Welcome to Meet the Press."
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I'm happy for
your Aunt Bertha,
but now can I say something
about next week's guest...
- Well it's the least
you can do after all
it's our old buddy Joey Bishop.
- Yeah, we'll be taking
a laugh-in look at the
mod world of
prisons on that show.
- Hear, hear, you cannot
put a bishop in prison.
- What are you talking about?
- Unless he breaks
the cardinal rule.
- Ahh.
Say goodnight Dick.
- Good night Dick,
goodnight Joey.
See ya in jail.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applauds)
- They're coming back.
- Hey Dick, you know
Burbank has the dullest
amusement park in the world.
The most exciting ride
there is the penny scale.
(audience laughs)
- Dan, Dan, you're
gonna love this.
- [Dan] Yeah, hi Ruth.
- My cousin Audrey
and her husband
are so boring she once
gave birth to an orphan.
(audience laughs)
- I have a great time
saver for when a girl...
You take a girl to a drive-in.
I have the rear seat
moved to the front.
(audience laughs)
- You know Ruth.
- Yeah?
I feel that all of
TV is educational.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- No.
- Yesterday I saw
two silly soap operas,
a dumb situation comedy,
and four old movies.
- That'll teach ya.
- Hey Dan, You
know I just bought
a genuine Louis the XIV sofa.
Now I know it's genuine,
because underneath
there's a label that says
"Do not remove this tag,
under penalty
of the guillotine."
(audience laughs)
- You know, there's
nothing wrong with
kids getting married
at an early age.
That way they can settle
down and raise each other.
(audience laughs)
- I have this... whoa...
I have this fabulous wine
cellar in my basement.
- [Dan] Yeah?
- Yeah I just hope my husband
doesn't find him. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Wine cellar, get it?
- (crying) My family is so poor
that my birthday suit
was a hand-me-down.
Isn't that awful?
True, but awful.
(audience laughs)
- Hiya Dan.
- [Dan] Hi there!
- You're very tall for your
height, you know that.
You know that my new electric
blanket keeps me so warm
that I have to sleep with
an ice bag on my head.
(audience laughs)
- You know... whew
You know something.
I mean, I love
to laugh. (laughs)
Where would we
be without laughter?
- I don't know.
- (together) We'd
be in Las Vegas.
(audience laughs)
- You know... the fa... if
you're... you know that...
You know that your
marriage is on the rocks
when your hub... hubby
comes home from work
with lipstick on his pj's.
(audience laughs)
- Dan, I went to one of those
hippie love-ins yesterday
and I could not tell
the boys from the girls.
- [Dan] Is that so?
- And I was naked.
- [Dan] No, they were.
- They were naked.
No I think I was naked.
I think I'll go again next week.
(laughs)
- Nancy you're gonna be alright.
(bow twangs)
(silly kazoo music)
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
(audience laughs)
- Hello room service.
Could you send up a room.
(audience laughs)
- I can do a trick,
I can do a trick.
- I can do one.
(laughs)
- You can't do
that, I can do that.
I can do it, you can't.
(laughs)
(screams)
(audience laughs)
(single person clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Hello Mr. Carson.
- Hello Gladys.
- Mr. Carson, what can I do
to make men take
liberties with me?
(audience chuckles)
- Well you might join the Navy.
(audience laughs)
- I think Laugh-In is a
very, very exciting show.
But then I'm an
extremely dull person.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Montleb...
Mr. Mont... say, friend,
how did the image of all the
Mexicans taking siestas start?
- Well I suppose some
Mexicans actually took siestas,
and then this stereotype
image was portrayed
as being representative
of all Mexicans.
(snores quietly)
- (snorts) Ah,
sorry, for my nap.
What were you saying?
(audience laughs)
How's it going down
there south of the border?
Fun, isn't it.
(audience laughs)
- Now Mr. Rush with
this new insurance policy
you're wife will collect
$100,000 dollars
if you die of natural causes.
Heaven forbid.
She will collect
$200,000 dollars
if you die an accidental death.
Heaven forbid.
- What happens
if he doesn't die?
Heaven forbid.
(audience laughs)
I'm Alabamy bound.
(audience laughs)
(knocking on door)
- Come in.
- Boy have I got a book for you.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank.
NBC, the Naive
Broadcasting Company,
pretends it's
running a test pattern,
and presents Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring vertical Dan Rowan.
And that horizontal
hold Dick Martin.
And Marty Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
Lily Tomlin, And Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder, Nancie Phillips.
And Barbara Sharma.
Plus some surprise
cuckoos, too numerous to hire.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word to those
with a problem in
personal daintiness.
Don't come near me until
you solve that problem.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
Ultrabeam gives your
mouth (whizzing sound)
sex appeal.
(whizzing sound)
Portions of Rowan & Martin's
Laugh-In are brought to you by,
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new little
care-free car, Pinto.
(ragtime piano plays)
(audience laughs)
(gunshot)
- Achoo!
(audience laughs)
- Stop!
- She's the one that started it.
(audience laughs)
- And now folks, here are
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- (together) Whoa, hey!
- Hello everybody how are you?
- Excuse me ladies and
gentlemen, good evening, however.
Would you tell me what
are you dressed like that for?
What is that?
- Well don't we always
open the show dressed up?
- Well, yeah, I'm talking about
the chef's hat and
the apron, what's that?
Don't tell me you're a cook.
- Alright, I'm a
doctor, say Ahh.
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
Ha ha, see that
cough sound awful,
how long have you had it?
- What cough?
- That cough, there it is again,
you ought to see
a doctor about that.
- I'd rather get back
to this ridiculous outfit.
I didn't even know
you liked to cook.
- Heavens to Julia Childs, yes.
I've been cooking
long as I can remember.
- How long is that?
- How long is what?
- I'd be a little interested in
hearing about your
cooking prowess...
- I never cooked prowess.
- You never did that huh?
(audience laughs)
What are you fixing tonight?
- Well, let's see,
the TV's on the blink,
I can have a go at that.
- No, no, come on,
what's your favorite dish?
- Well, there's a little
thing up on the third floor...
(audience laughs)
- Your recipe, what's
your favorite recipe?
- Ah, well as a matter of fact,
I'm very famous
for my potato salad.
- You're famous for
your potato salad?
- Uh huh.
- Who said so?
- You said so, just then,
didn't you hear you?
- Oh yes, I did.
(audience laughs)
What kind of potatoes do
you use, Maine or Idaho?
- Well, in the
Maine I use Idaho,
unless I feel patriotic,
and then I forget the Idaho
- (together) and
remember the Maine.
(laughs)
- What else do you like to
cook, you patriotic fool you.
- Well, I invented a marvelous,
marvelous recipe for egg.
- For eggs.
How do...
- First you put 'em in a bowl.
- Put 'em in a bowl.
- Put 'em in a bowl
first, then you mix 'em up
and put 'em in a frying pan,
and keep mixing ' em
while they cook, see, ha ha.
- Yes, scrambled eggs.
- Hey, that's a
good name for 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Nothing unusual
about scrambled eggs.
- Well there is when
you serve 'em like I do.
- How's that?
- On a flaming sword.
- Oh, oh, oh.
How can you serve
scrambled eggs on a sword?
- You just gotta be quick.
- Yeah, you're quick.
- But it also pays to know
a little bit about first aid.
- Oh yeah, just
in case you miss.
- Yeah.
- Also pays to go
to the cocktail party,
would you like
to join me chef...
- Good idea, I'll
just put... hear hear,
I'll put an extra banana
in the beef stroganoff
and I'll be right along.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- You know Hollywood is one town
where a girl can
profit by her mistakes.
Last week I made
so many mistakes,
I made a profit
over $1,000 bucks.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- You know, being
fat's not so bad.
If I put on another six
pounds I can qualify for aid
under urban renewal.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- I decided to give up
my psychiatry practice
because I couldn't cope
with my drinking problems
and sex problems.
But as soon as I get those
problems of mine solved,
I'm going back to work.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- I started out in the
newspaper business
at the age of eight
as a copy boy.
But as things developed
I became a girl reporter.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- The ex-Secretary of
the Interior, Stewart Udall,
is currently doing a detergent
commercial on television
in the hope that the detergent
will help cut down on pollution.
Now if we could only get
the Secretary of Finance
to do one on taxes.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Ah uh.
I could tell you
one thing though,
I've had enough of the violence.
I'm tired of all
the name callin',
and having things thrown at me.
Tomorrow, I'm going
to leave my wife.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Salam Alaikum Mes Amis.
I bought Ari a birthday present
but I had to take it
back and exchange it
because it was too small.
It was the Bank of England.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Boomer here.
The other day at the tennis club
I saw three sets of doubles
you wouldn't believe.
There was Raquel Welch, Ursula
Andress and Audrey Hepburn.
Well, two out of
three ain't bad.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Oh, I felt so dumb
on the movie set today.
The director kept telling me
"okay let's take
it from the top."
How did I know he
didn't mean my clothes.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Whoop!
Oh careful Boomer.
Was that a little pat on
the po-po you just gave me?
- You noticed.
(audience laughs)
I wanted to talk to you honey.
That's a terrific looking
dress you're wearing.
All you really need
is a matching bag,
to go over your head.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Meanwhile in
another part of the room.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Ah, it's Glug Chilside.
- You know, Dick, I
don't like parties like this.
I'm more of a homebody.
- Well good, you have your
body at my home at 8:30.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
(audience applauds)
- Ahh thank you ladies
and gentlemen, thank you.
As you know we are
gathered here today to dedicate
this statue of our beloved
citizen, Mr. Laslo Potts.
Before Mr... uh... uh
Laslo Potts arrives,
I would like to introduce
the talented sculptor
who created this likeness
of our great leader.
Would you please help me welcome
Mr. Ignats Hookstratten.
(audience applauds)
Thank you, I
appreciate it, very nice.
Ignats, Ignats, oh gosh.
Gee, I hope you were able
to capture a true likeness
of our beloved Laslow Potts.
- Yes, I happened to feel that
this is one of the finest
nudes I've ever done.
(audience laughs)
- Nud... ahh... ha ha, nudes.
You mean to tell us
you've done a nude statue?
- Not even a fig
leaf, it's magnificent.
- I don't what
you call it, Ignats,
you can't unveil a nude
statue on television.
Now you gotta do
something about it right away.
- What can I do, do
you have a barrel handy?
- Ahh, do something, anything,
we only got 30 seconds left.
Now you get under there
and you do something.
- Alright.
- Uhh, get... Ladies and
gentlemen, there will be a
slight... get that...
delay in the unveiling.
Now as you all know Mr. Potts
has done a great
deal for our community.
Is this gonna take long?
- Well maybe, if I just
painted a black mask on him?
- This is ridiculous,
you folks will have
to excuse me... I'm...
(audience laughs)
Oh good heaves, what
have you done to this thing?
- [Ignats] As you can
see I moved this over here,
and I'll take that
and I'll bring it around
so it lines up over here, okay.
- [Man In Tux] Don't you
think it would work better
if you moved it back.
Then it wouldn't be there.
That's facing the wrong...
no that wouldn't work either.
(group talking over each other)
- [Man In Tux] Be careful.
- [Ignats] This
wouldn't hurt it.
(fabric rips)
- Now what Mr. Potts will say.
- It's amazing.
I only went in for one sitting.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes The Weasel" plays)
(music stops)
(music starts)
(boing)
(audience laughs)
- Come on, let's really hear
it out there for these kids.
I gotta lot of talent,
let's really hear it.
(audience laughs)
(explosion)
- Gee Dina, you must have
the biggest fan club in the world.
- What makes you say that?
- Well everyone I know
belongs to the Diners Club.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, who's the guy card
that gets credit for that joke?
Get it?
(audience laughs)
- Ooh feisty little
devil aren't you.
- Good luck.
- I want her milk, I want hers.
Ahh, I want hers,
why can't... (screams)
(audience laughs)
- It's gone.
My headache's gone.
But I've got a terrible
pain in my antlers.
(audience laughs)
- You know Mr. Montalbán
you have a reputation
of being a great Latin lover.
- Yes, and I hope my wife
never finds out about it.
- Why not?
- She's Irish.
(audience laughs)
- Si.
- (Both) Hmm.
- Uhh.
- Oh, get a hold of yourself.
(audience laughs)
(burlesque music)
Come to your loving cabaret.
We'd like to chase
your cares away.
Welcome to Burbank
handsome Marine.
Dance with me Sailor,
don't you be a meanie.
First we will pour
a little booze.
Then we will
dance off our shoes.
Every dance we lock
up the door, oh jump.
'Cause that's when
we look at the news.
With Dan and Dickie.
Laugh-In will look at the news.
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And here's
the Laugh-In news,
with Bella Lugosi in
the still of the night.
Truman Capote in
your Easter bonnet.
Desi Arnaz in a
little Spanish town.
And Georgie Jessel
in my mother's eye.
With Dan Rowan down
the Mississippi River
and Dick Martin up the creek.
(audience laughs)
- A paternity suit
involving pianist Liberace,
and topless dancer Irma
LaBounce was filed today
in Beverly Hills, California.
The charges in
the suit were termed
as absolutely ridiculous by
the incredulous Ms. LaBounce.
(audience laughs)
- Future news, 1972.
Bowing to pressure from
women's liberation groups,
the Statue of Liberty
has been remodeled
and is now bra-less.
(audience laughs)
The bow, incidentally,
was spectacular.
(audience laughs)
- Following a report by
scientists that a cloud of dirt
was hovering over Massachusetts,
authorities today, sent for
the Army Corps of Engineers
to disperse it.
However, because
of a severe rain storm,
the plane in which they
were flying is now lodged
42,000 feet above
the city of Boston
in a huge mud puddle.
(audience laughs)
- News of the future, 1976.
A report was released today,
stating that a revolution
was virtually impossible
in this country...
Oh excuse me that was
news of the past, uh 1776.
(audience laughs)
- And now for these important
words about polluted rivers.
- Dam them.
(audience laughs)
- Here's our stock market expert
to tell you a sure-fire way to
make money on Wall Street.
- Stick 'em up.
- Are you kiddin'?
(audience laughs)
- And now for this late flash.
- Anything you say.
- Now these words
from our sponsor.
- Buy something.
- The children's movement
to end the war in Vietnam
gained momentum today
when a platoon of nine-year-olds
attacked and captured
the city of Hanoi,
using GI Joe mortars
and machine guns,
Tiny Timmy Tanks and
a secret anti-atomic bomb
equipped with a nuclear warhead
and dropped from a
plastic Sweetheart Susie
inter-continental
ballistic missile.
(audience laughs)
- The children are looking
forward to next Christmas
when they hope to
receive enough equipment
to launch an all-out
assault on Peking.
(audience laughs)
- Hollywood California.
The first-annual gathering
of Zsa Zsa Gabor's
ex-husband's was held today.
(audience laughs)
That's the wrong picture there.
- Hold it, that may
be the right one.
There's only two guys missing.
(audience laughs)
- Well never
mind, forget it Dick.
Continuing it's battle
against pollution,
the Department of the
Interior has proposed
to allow all
productive oil wells
to continue in operation
to close down all
unproductive wells.
We take you now, to
Washington, to interview the author
of this unusual proposal.
Sir, who will be affected
most by this move
to close down all
unproductive oil wells.
- Obviously the owners
of abandoned gas stations.
We've cut off their non-supply.
(audience laughs)
- What will happen
now that you've put
all these unemployed
people out of work?
- Let me illustrate it this way.
(slide whistle blows)
- Here, here, here.
And there you had a man
who was pumping no gas at all.
Now naturally, when
you cut that in half,
there are bound to
be some hardships.
- Ah, do you expect
any major repercussions?
- No, I do not, since the people
we put out of work on the chart,
were out of work already,
there'll be no increase
in unemployment.
- How does this
closing down of oil wells,
that were already closed
down, help stop pollution?
- It doesn't.
The move was designed
to offend no one.
- Have you received much
reaction to this proposal?
- Actually we've
been overwhelmed,
by a groundswell of apathy.
The people have raised
their voices in silence.
- One final question, sir,
how do you keep you
mind sharp for this job?
- Well I hang around
the racetracks a lot.
And every once in a while,
I find a dead horse,
and I go out and I beat it.
(audience laughs)
- And now for a
late news bulletin.
- Here's Calvin Coolidge.
Well, he's late again.
- Oh yes, I remember him.
The late Calvin Coolidge.
- [Dan] That's what they say.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
Dah dah dee dum oh charm.
'Cause ladies and gentlemen
loving has looked at the news.
(audience applauds)
- Mr. Vidal, as a
political observer,
would you say that as
far as bringing us together,
the administration is doing
poor job, bad job, or what?
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
- Hi gang.
You may remember that
last year, all through the year,
we poked fun, many times,
in a good-natured spirit,
at the honorable mayor
of our city of Los Angeles.
And some of these jests
have made reference
to his frequent travels
outside of Los Angeles.
I'm sure you heard
about some of those trips.
- Yeah, well a few.
- By way of apology tonight,
we would like to salute
this wonderful, dedicated
public servant as we proudly
present the Sam Yorty story.
- Sam Yorty was born
on October 1st, 1909
in Lincoln, Nebraska.
- Hmm.
- He's a fine boy.
Someday our son
may be president.
- Oh, yes, this is such
a momentous occasion.
If only Sam could
have been here.
(audience laughs)
- At the christening, friends
and relatives gathered.
- Someday he might
even be governor.
- Oh yes, oh this is such
a momentous occasion.
If only Sam could
have been here.
(audience laughs)
- And he is fondly recalled
by his high school principal.
- Yes I felt someday Sam
might even Secretary of Defense.
This was his high
school yearbook.
If only Sam could
have been here.
(audience laughs)
- So he left school, and
he married a fine woman
who, on their
honeymoon remarked.
- If only Sam could
have been here.
- And finally he
went into politics.
He was sworn in as
mayor of Los Angeles
for the first time in 1961.
- This is a momentous occasion.
If only Sam could
have been here.
- Sworn in for the
second time in 1965.
- If only, well...
- And so tonight to honor
this momentous occasion
we are proud to introduce
the Mayor of Los Angeles.
The Honorable Sam Yorty.
(audience applauds)
Sam Yorty.
- [Gary] If only Sam
could have been here.
- Good night Mr. Yorty,
wherever you are.
(jet flies overhead)
- Okay, quie...
(clapper claps)...
Quiet on the set,
places everybody.
For the Santa
Barbara beach scene.
Take one, queue the oil slick.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
- Okay now queue the alibis.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
And head up the
campaign contributions.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
Waiter, check.
(claps clapper)
(audience laughs)
- Hey, do you have
anything laid aside?
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm talking about
for your old age.
- I certainly am.
Old granddad.
Old tailor.
- Old crow.
- Sure.
That's no way to talk to a lady.
(audience laughs)
- I was just kidding.
- Well I don't like it.
(snorts)
(audience laughs)
("Pop goes the Weasel" plays)
(music stops)
(music continues loudly)
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
But why couldn't they
play a nice little march?
Oh well, stay right.
We'll be tuned back.
Whew, that's ungulibagable.
- Have you tried the
Ed McMahon cocktail?
Drink two, then you drink
more, then drink two more.
Then you come to
work and you try to talk.
(audience laughs)
- Here's the Ed
Sullivan cocktail.
Two drinks and
you're even stiffer.
(audience laughs)
- Here's the Audrey
Hepburn cocktail.
Two drinks and you get
a craving for pancakes,
or three drinks
and you're flattened.
(audience laughs)
- There's a Tiny Tim cocktail.
Two drinks and old man
Scrooge steps on your ukulele.
(audience laughs)
- Have you tried the
Dean Martin cocktail?
You have two, and then
two more, and then two more,
and then two more.
(audience laughs)
- Have you tried the
Martha Mitchel cocktail?
Two drinks and a
john heads for you.
(audience laughs)
- There's the Pat
Boone cocktail.
It's warm milk spiked
with a jigger of cream.
(audience laughs)
(cymbal clashes)
(audience laughs)
- This portion of the
show is brought to you
by Festoons
Double-Indemnity Insurance.
It protects you against
topless waitresses.
- Johnny, I understand that
you are the master of
prestidigitation, whatever that is.
- Well prestidigitation,
my little mountain bird,
is the magicians trade.
Where the hand is
quicker than the eye.
- Oh, well could I... let's
see you do something.
- Whoa. (laughs)
- Wanna see it a gain?
(audience laughs)
- Whoa. (laughs)
- Mr. Yorty, as
mayor of Los Angeles,
which would you say is the
most beautiful city in the world?
- Well, of course, you
know I'm very objective.
And I would say
really that Los Angeles.
And I should know, because
I've really seen them all.
- That's true.
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
- Excuse me, could you direct
me to Salvador Dali's house?
(audience laughs)
- Well, Dirk, in
tonight's mod world
we salute cigarette commercials.
- Hey, you know I haven't
seen them on television lately.
- Precisely, and
do you know why?
- Well, I haven't been
watching television lately.
- That's just part of
the reason, Elmer.
- See, I've been awfully busy.
- Oh have you?
- Yes, I had a few friends
over to try the funky chicken.
- Oh, that's that
nutty new dance.
- No, it was dinner, I told you
I was a good cook, you know.
- So you cooked funky
chicken for dinner.
- It wasn't easy either,
I'll tell you that, boy.
Six and half hours
getting it ready.
- Six and a half hours,
that seems a little
long to cook a chicken.
- Well I only cooked the
chicken for thirty minutes,
but it took the rest of
the time to catch him,
you see, he was across the road.
- What was he doing
across the road?
- To get to the other side.
Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
Tricked ya.
- That's terrible.
- No it's delicious, you
just add a pinch of salt,
two olives and cook
it in a Greek urn.
- If you think I'm gonna
ask you what's a Greek urn...
- About a buck and a half!
(audience laughs)
- Oh no.
- Gotcha again,
I love that joke.
- Yes, I see.
- I love that joke.
- Well I hate it and your
cooking's as bad as your jokes.
You're not gonna
have guests over
for dinner very often anymore.
They come one time and
you'll never see 'em again.
- No, no, no, no.
- No repeats.
- I'm gonna be very,
very busy next summer.
- Why do you say that?
- Well because as
they were leaving,
everyone said it'd
be a cold day in July
before they ever
some back again.
(audience laughs)
That's three in a row.
- Yeah, I'm counting 'em too.
While he's reveling in
his salute to stale jokes,
let's get back to
cigarette commercials.
- No thanks, I quit.
- Yeah, well so has television.
Since the first of the year
cigarette companies can't
advertise on TV anymore.
- Heavens, what are they
gonna do for a sponsor?
- What are we gonna do?
Well we don't worry about that.
We got companies
like Breck and Ford.
- Breck and Ford?
People haven't
smoked them in years.
- Oh, come on.
You've got limits.
Look, Dick... (audience laughs)
It's okay.
And congress has
banned all further cigarette
advertising on television.
And tonight Laugh-In
pays its respects
to an institution
that has enriched
the lives of so many...
- Doctors.
- Doctors.
- Gotcha.
- That's four.
- Buck and a half an hour.
- Oh.
Goodbye Silverton Man
we'll miss your Lady fair.
Bye bye to glues you nicotine
fools polluting up the air.
A goodbye dancing
Dorel, I guess it had to be.
Lest I compromising
softly agonizing
No more cigarette
advertising on T...
Smoking is good for you
no matter what they say.
But no more cigarette
advertising on TV
(group coughs)
- I see where they...
They took a... (coughs)
cigarette advertising
off television.
(coughs)
- Yeah, I wonder why.
(coughs)
- I tell you, this
ban on television
cigarette commercials
is gonna ruin us.
We stand to lose 10
million dollars this year.
- Well don't worry
chief. I've already
got a tremendous
cigarette campaign
lined up in other
medias, look right here.
We can put cigarette
commercials in movies,
magazines, billboards.
We can fill the newspapers
with cigarette ads, hah!
- Well how much of our loss
do you think this will make up?
- Practically the
whole 10 million.
- Oh that's marvelous.
Oh, that's good news.
Here, have a cigarette.
- No thanks, I never touch
'em, oh they're bad for ya.
(audience laughs)
I hope some job comes along.
'Cause things are really slow.
I came a long way baby.
But I ain't got no place to go.
- Why did TV do away
with cigarette advertising?
- Because it was killing
a lot of their audience.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know
what you could save
if you never bought
another package
of cigarettes for
the rest of your life?
The rest of your life.
- And now we take
you to Marlboro country.
Now that's what I call flavor.
- Mr. Marlboro Man,
can you tell me what it is,
that's your going to do now that
your not going to be
on television anymore?
- Oh, something that I've
been dying to do all these years.
- What is that?
Wash off this stupid
tattoo and start coffee.
(audience laughs)
- Oh gee, that sure
doesn't sound like
the rugged he-man you portray.
- You wanna know the truth?
I'd rather switch than fight.
(audience laughs)
- Hey listen, if you really
want get through your dad,
go down to the bijou,
they're showing three films
and a band from television.
- Oh wow, what are they?
- I am curious yellow, and
two cigarette commercials.
(audience laughs)
- Oh heavy.
- They're terrific.
I hope somebody will
solve this silly mystery.
You can take me
out of the country but.
You can't put me on TV.
(audience laughs)
- People who smoke in bed
usually stop once
they get the fire put out.
(audience laughs)
- Do you smoke
while you're necking?
- I don't know, I never looked.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I'm glad
the television industry
gave up cigarette advertising.
Maybe that's what's
been stunting its growth.
(audience laughs)
(coughs)
- Now that's what I
call a smoke signal.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- Look at it this way,
if you give up smoking,
you might just live a
silly millimeter longer.
(audience laughs)
(back cracking)
- Ooh, my back is killing me.
I better give up smoking.
(audience laughs)
I made so many
commercials I was getting rich.
So when you start
switching my job around.
(together) We'd
rather fight than switch.
(audience laughs)
- Boy, whew, the
smog is terrible today.
I mean, I can hardly breathe,
(audience laughs)
Now that's better.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
- They say the
danger from smoking
is somewhat
reduced by filter tips.
But there's one tip
that's even better.
(whispering) Don't smoke.
(audience laughs)
- You know Jed, I'm worried
about out loss of revenue
from cigarette commercials
going off television.
- Well don't worry
about it chief,
we've figured out a gimmick.
Come on in guys.
You see, this is a
sketch that takes place
in a basement workshop.
Alright guys, do the sketch.
- Okay.
- Whew, I'm ready.
- Will you help me get this
piece of wood out
of the "vice Roy"?
- Viceroy, get it?
Okay, now somebody
knocks on the door
(knocks on door)
and Roy says.
- Get the "door Al."
- Doral, see that?
Okay, now they open the
door and a guy walks in.
Open the door.
- Hi, "Winston".
How are things going?
- Everything's cool.
Just for a lot, Sally
"Virginia Slim" and I,
we thought we'd
go up to "Newport,"
so we'd get a couple of
boats and we'd "Salem."
Would you guys
like to come along?
- No, no, uh, uh.
We're too tired.
You see last night,
"Phillip," "Morris,"
Al and I, went bowling.
And Al, here, got a
real "Lucky Strike,"
and knocked pins "Pall Mall."
- That's it chief,
what do you think?
- Well Jasmine, I think you
may have something there.
Have you got a host yet?
- Oh yeah, bring 'em in,
bring 'em in, bring 'em in.
- This is the best part.
- Hi everybody,
I'm Glen "Camel."
(audience laughs)
- Huh?
- You're all fired.
- You couldn't hate that,
there's nothing
offensive about that.
(audience laughs)
There's no more
cigarette advertising on TV.
They say that the letter
we wear on our sweater
Is just a great big "C."
We've all smoked something
or other down through history.
So let's start realizing
costs are really rising.
We need cigarette
advertising on TV.
What do you want, good
business or good health?
(audience laughs)
(goofy kazoo music)
(gunshot)
(duck quacks)
("Pop Goes The Weasel" plays)
(music stops)
Pop goes the weasel
- No, no, no, you yo-yo, it's
- (both gently) Pop
goes the weasel.
(boink)
- Thanks Dick.
Hey, have a cookie.
(honk)
- When you read my book
"Myra Breckinridge" remember,
there are two
sides to every story.
(audience laughs)
(groovy sixties music)
(slide whistle)
- Mayor Yorty, what do
you think the far left liberals
can bring to the
democratic party?
- Gee, you know that puzzles me,
but they could
bring potato salad.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
(glass shatters)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have with us
a great guy, pal of ours,
he's out here on
the coast right now.
And we'd like you
to meet this guy...
- (both) Johnny Carson!
(audience applauds)
- Oh John, by golly.
Hey that is nice looking
wig you're wearing.
- Yeah.
- If I didn't know any better,
I'd swear that was real.
- This is real.
- Huh?
- This isn't a wig.
- No kidding?
Geez, I would have
sworn that was a wig.
- For your information
I don't need a wig.
- Well we didn't
say you needed wig.
- Much better.
- We said you had a wig.
(audience chuckles)
- I do not own a wig.
- Then whose wig is it?
(audience laughs)
- I happen to have
a full head of hair.
- Sure, but under it,
complete baldness.
(audience laughs)
- What does this look like?
- I looks like the old $99
special from Wig City.
- This is not a $99 special.
- Harry gave you a discount?
(audience laughs)
- Who's Harry?
- Harry's the owner of Wig City.
- Yeah.
- The owner of
Wig City is Harry?
- No, he's bald.
(laughs)
But you'd never know it
by looking at him John.
Great wig, like yours.
- How could you miss
noticing he was bald?
- Well, he wears a wig.
- Sure.
It's a beauty.
- Look, for your
information, Dick,
women wear wigs,
men wear toupees.
- Ahh, that explains
why Harry wears a dress.
You know a lot of
people are getting
a little worried
about old Harry there.
(audience laughs)
Yes sir.
- Why don't you just forget
about Harry and his wig.
- Look, you're not mad are ya?
- No, it's just that
I don't wear a wig.
- (laughs) okay, John.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
- What is it?
- How are those new
teeth working out?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, come on guys, stop it.
You gotta be careful
with my image.
- That's what we've
been trying to tell ya.
You know if you'd get
some new teeth and a wig,
we could take
you to the quickies.
- Yeah, we're not gonna...
- Gotcha again! (laughs)
- We're not gonna go
to the quickies with John.
- Ahh, yeah, you're right.
- Not in that outfit.
- You know, nobody will
ever invite him to the quickies
with a wig and those bad
teeth, I guess, we'll see ya.
- Shape up, John.
(galloping horse sound)
(boing)
(groovy sixties music)
- Sir, the first
recruits are here
for the all-new volunteer Army.
- Alright Gomer, send 'em in.
(audience laughs)
- You dropped your hat, Miss.
Well first of all, we're
gonna need some officers.
Anyone here a college graduate?
High School graduate?
Jr. High School?
- I'm house broken.
(audience laughs)
- Well you can be a major.
- I just can't get off
the ground with this.
(groovy sixties music)
- Doctor Spritzler I would
like you to meet Tony Fantosi.
- Pleased to meet ya.
- How many times have I told ya,
I'm not Doctor Spritzler, I'm
a chicken salad sandwich.
(galloping horse hooves)
(groovy sixties music)
(boing)
(audience laughs)
(galloping horse hooves)
(groovy sixties music)
(birds chirp)
(audience laughs)
(crickets chirp)
(birds chirp)
- That was a swish pan.
(galloping horse hooves)
(boing)
(groovy sixties music)
- Skin the lid on,
come on, give it.
Oh wow, I love baby, hey
man, like what's happening?
Where's it at?
Tell me, ooh love.
- Straight down the hall
second door on the right.
- Ooh, ya saved me, I
love, I'm gonna get there.
(audience laughs)
- You know, there's
nothing that cools me off
more than a good can of beer.
Ahh, now that's cool.
(groovy sixties music)
- Hi.
- Sorry to bother you
so late at night Bill,
but the TV set's
not working again.
- I don't know what your
talking about, Shirley.
Now I think the picture's fine.
Shirley, honest to Pete.
Bill, Bill, you're
wasting your time,
the picture's perfect,
I'm very happy with it,
Shirley, you just...
- I don't know honey.
I keep seeing wavy lines
and snow and double images.
- I don't know how to tell
you this Mr. Fagengrants,
but there's nothing
wrong with your set,
but I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to take
your wife in to the shop.
(audience laughs)
- Could I at least
have a loaner?
(audience laughs)
- What sort of
work do you do sir?
- I'm a town crier.
- Ahh, a town crier, eh?
Well, could I see a
sample of your work?
- Certainly.
- Yes.
(whimpers)
- Billy Applewood.
- Oh!
( both cry)
- Cincinnati.
- San Francisco.
- I don't want a job here.
- There's nothing
like the quickies.
- I don't know was Waldo
the crocodile wrestler there?
- Uh, No, no he wasn't there.
- Then I didn't like it.
- Would you have liked him
with Waldo, crocodile wrestler?
- No, frankly, I
don't like him either.
- But the quickies were good.
- I give up.
- Yeah, so does Waldo,
two shows a night.
- Two shows a night.
- Yeah.
- (Both) One, two, three,
- Good, catch, you got 'em all.
- Five out of five.
(silly kazoo music)
(fighting sounds)
(slide whistle)
- The name of your
show is Dina's Place.
Now why didn't you
call it Shore's Shop?
- Well surely Shore Shop
shounds sugary and shallow,
and surely Shore's wouldn't
show shoddy showmanship,
so shouldn't you
shape up and shut up,
or ship out or shomthing?
- Sure.
- No, Shore.
- You're darn right you are.
(audience laughs)
("Pop goes the Weasel" plays)
- No, no, no.
- You know you want this.
- No, no.
(slide whistle)
- Dick?
(Dick groans)
- Ooh, I'm a new kid.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal, I know this
is putting you on the spot,
but what is the
funniest comedy show
you've seen on TV this year?
Well, I'd say it was a toss-up
between the President's
State of the Union message,
and Laugh-In.
(audience laughs)
(goofy music)
(sneezes)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Mercy, here comes
another pigeon.
(audience laughs)
- Right this way.
Now, Mr Bruce will be with
you in just a minute madam.
- Oh!
Don't call me madam.
(audience laughs)
- Little dab'll do ya.
(singing gibberish)
Oh! (laughs creepily)
I've come to uh, see if you have
terminal dandruff my darling.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh,
you're not Mr. Bruce.
- No.
- What have you
done with Mr. Bruce?
- Oh, I love you
when you're angry.
Believe me, my blossom,
I never laid a hand on 'em.
I'm just filling
in for Mr. Bruce
while he gets his
smock un-starched.
- Well, alright, I guess.
I've come for a styling.
- Oh, trust me my dear,
you couldn't put your head
in better hands.
I just was wondering
if I might be allowed to
fondle your bangs
before they dry?
(audience laughs)
I was curious if I
might be allowed to
tease your tresses
before they set?
- Oh!
- I was wondering
if I might be allowed
the final rites before
the ambulance arrives.
(audience laughs)
Ooh, ahhh, oh terminal dandruff.
(groovy sixties music)
- It's not easy being
the mayor of a city
with the highest crime rate,
crowded living conditions,
and of course,
unbearable traffic problems.
I certainly pity poor
Mayor John Lindsay.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. C... you know what
I'm s... I have some...
First of all I never
miss your... you know...
And I must...
something ha... so fast...
Something happened the other...
I just wanted to tell
you about because,
first of all ten
o'clock... I never...
I always jump right and...
you know just to get ready...
And I jump in then I
take a little... you know...
Suds and I... you
know do it... to get...
With antici ...then I
put a little dab I perf...
I perf... you know I put
a little perf... everyplace
and then I have this...
and I put on little kind of...
I have a little
night a little flimsy...
Kind of... you know...
you see... I wish...
I really wish you
c... because then I...
I jump in the... I
jump... I turn it...
and I jump in the bed
and I plu... you know...
I... and I always
have a little uh...
I always have a little
sna little milk and cook...
Because I don't
want... you know,
I don't want to disturb
him... I wanna be in...
Then I... then I...
a little Ed McM...
With those little... you
know those little chub...
And he comes out and
he says 'Here's John"...
And then you wa... and then
you walk and you have fan...
You really do have a
fant you know, your physi...
- This broad is sick.
(audience laughs)
- And you tell those
little... kind of...
Very very tittil... it tur
you know it rally turns...
It's a kind of... and
really I get so excit...
And the other night I
actu I turned over my...
And my mil... it just...
and I was sitting, right,
with soggy cookies.
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
(gunshot)
(goofy music)
(gunshot)
(gunshot)
- Very interesting.
- But not very tasteful.
- Wait a minute.
Didn't I once see you in a
Dusseldorf meat market?
Next to the sausage?
- What makes you say that?
- 'Cause you
look like the wurst.
(audience laughs)
- That was very distasteful.
- The bratwurst was distasteful,
but the knockwurst
was ungeliebabe...
What, by the way, liebchen,
what are you doing here anyway?
- Well, my gauche man,
I'm here to see that this group
of rubbled rowdies
behaves tastefully.
- What do you mean
gauche ray man?
What does a pickle-pus like
you know from the word taste?
- That was very much I
expected from someone
who is as short on taste
as you are short on height.
(audience laughs)
- I could become violent.
(audience laughs)
You know, when I met her in
that Dusseldorf meat market,
I never should have
taken her off the hook.
(audience laughs)
Big, dumb, dumb
person with bad...
I don't like the way
she dresses either.
Tight lips!
(audience laughs)
(humming "Pop goes the Weasel")
(audience laughs)
- You're all wet.
(audience laughs)
- [Gary] Portions or Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by, Ford.
With the better idea cars
for 1971 including the new,
little care-free car, Pinto.
(silly music)
- Well, before we say goodnight,
we have a marvelous show
planned for next week and we...
- (snorts) I just
heard a funny joke.
- Yeah, well you don't have
to tell it right now do you?
- Well I'd love to, you see.
You see this guy had an act
with a dancing flea,
and a dancing ant.
- Yeah.
- Actually the
flea was a singer,
and the ant was dancer, you see.
- Well one night, the
flea said to the ant,
"I think I'll go out and
put on the dog." (laughs)
So the ant said,
(laughs) so the ant said...
- Well, what's the ant say?
- Well nice of you to ask,
my goodness she
send her love to you too.
- Oh your aunt has a message.
- You know, she wanted me
to tell you about the time that
she was stuck in the baggage
car of the 20th Century limo.
- Oh, dear, some time ago.
- Oh, recently,
as a matter of fact.
Right between
Chicago and New York,
with the entire NBC
television news staff.
- Now that's ridiculous, what
would the NBC news staff
be doing in a baggage car?
- Well I don't know, but
just as they were pulling out
of Grand Central...
- Yeah.
- I heard Aunt Bertha say,
"Welcome to Meet the Press."
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I'm happy for
your Aunt Bertha,
but now can I say something
about next week's guest...
- Well it's the least
you can do after all
it's our old buddy Joey Bishop.
- Yeah, we'll be taking
a laugh-in look at the
mod world of
prisons on that show.
- Hear, hear, you cannot
put a bishop in prison.
- What are you talking about?
- Unless he breaks
the cardinal rule.
- Ahh.
Say goodnight Dick.
- Good night Dick,
goodnight Joey.
See ya in jail.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applauds)
- They're coming back.
- Hey Dick, you know
Burbank has the dullest
amusement park in the world.
The most exciting ride
there is the penny scale.
(audience laughs)
- Dan, Dan, you're
gonna love this.
- [Dan] Yeah, hi Ruth.
- My cousin Audrey
and her husband
are so boring she once
gave birth to an orphan.
(audience laughs)
- I have a great time
saver for when a girl...
You take a girl to a drive-in.
I have the rear seat
moved to the front.
(audience laughs)
- You know Ruth.
- Yeah?
I feel that all of
TV is educational.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- No.
- Yesterday I saw
two silly soap operas,
a dumb situation comedy,
and four old movies.
- That'll teach ya.
- Hey Dan, You
know I just bought
a genuine Louis the XIV sofa.
Now I know it's genuine,
because underneath
there's a label that says
"Do not remove this tag,
under penalty
of the guillotine."
(audience laughs)
- You know, there's
nothing wrong with
kids getting married
at an early age.
That way they can settle
down and raise each other.
(audience laughs)
- I have this... whoa...
I have this fabulous wine
cellar in my basement.
- [Dan] Yeah?
- Yeah I just hope my husband
doesn't find him. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Wine cellar, get it?
- (crying) My family is so poor
that my birthday suit
was a hand-me-down.
Isn't that awful?
True, but awful.
(audience laughs)
- Hiya Dan.
- [Dan] Hi there!
- You're very tall for your
height, you know that.
You know that my new electric
blanket keeps me so warm
that I have to sleep with
an ice bag on my head.
(audience laughs)
- You know... whew
You know something.
I mean, I love
to laugh. (laughs)
Where would we
be without laughter?
- I don't know.
- (together) We'd
be in Las Vegas.
(audience laughs)
- You know... the fa... if
you're... you know that...
You know that your
marriage is on the rocks
when your hub... hubby
comes home from work
with lipstick on his pj's.
(audience laughs)
- Dan, I went to one of those
hippie love-ins yesterday
and I could not tell
the boys from the girls.
- [Dan] Is that so?
- And I was naked.
- [Dan] No, they were.
- They were naked.
No I think I was naked.
I think I'll go again next week.
(laughs)
- Nancy you're gonna be alright.
(bow twangs)
(silly kazoo music)
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
(audience laughs)
- Hello room service.
Could you send up a room.
(audience laughs)
- I can do a trick,
I can do a trick.
- I can do one.
(laughs)
- You can't do
that, I can do that.
I can do it, you can't.
(laughs)
(screams)
(audience laughs)
(single person clapping)