Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 13 - Episode #4.13 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

- This season on
Night Gallery I may do

an ecumenical version of
Dicken's Christmas Carol

with Georgie Jeseel as
the ghost of Hanukkah past.

(laughs)

- At last, a tasty young
morsel has set the corpuscles

racing through
your blood stream.

(laughs)

- Oh, Tyrone.

I'd ask you to come up
and see me sometime,



if I didn't think it'd
be such a rough trip.

- She's very interesting,
but that old man,

I thought we were
the losers, ugh.

- Now ladies and gentlemen,
here is something you like.

Rowan and Martin.

Where is he?

(applause)

- Why are you all
standing and cheering?

Oh, you're so nice.

Good evening
ladies and gentleman.

- And boy are we gonna
do something special tonight.

- Oh, yes, sir.

- We're gonna look at
the world of the comic.

- That's right and luckily
enough we have with us tonight



the perfect guest for this.

One of the world's foremost
authorities on funny business.

- Yes, and here he is
now, ladies and gentlemen,

the top banana
himself, Mr. Phil Silvers.

- Phil Silvers.

(applause)

- Wonderful reception,
they show such good taste.

Glad to see you.

- You hear that?

He's hilarious.

- Truly one of the greatest
authorities on today's comics.

- Today's comics, look
pal, when you mention

comics you're really talking
about the giants of yesterday,

the real greats.

They had style, they
had mannerisms,

they had identity.

Let me show you what I mean.

You want to help me, Dan?

- Sure.

- Do a little of Lou Costello.

- Hey, Abbot.

- Funny.

- You do a little of Burt
La, he was so great.

- Nga, nga, nga.

- You ever think
of working alone?

Do Amos of Amos and Andy.

- Oh, yeah.

He always said, wha, wha.

- Funny, funny.

Durante.

- Durante.

- A cha, cha, cha, cha.

- Fantastic.

You see, that's how it
was done in the old days.

Each guy had his own
identity, a catch phrase

that was a guaranteed laugh.

- Well, you're talking
like it's all over.

Those days aren't
gone yet, Phil.

- They're not?

- No, we've got catch
phrases that have gotten

lots of laughs.

- Sure, you bet your
bippy, go to your room,

look that up in your
Funck and Wagnel.

- Here come the
judge, I'll drink to that

and the greatest of
them all, sock it to me.

- [Dan] That was a big one.

- That got a laugh?

- Oh, got a laugh, try it.

You'll see what I mean.

- Sock it to me.

- No, no, no, no, with feeling.

Pear shaped tones, pear shaped.

- Sock it to me.

- You're gonna
wait too long, baby.

Did you ever watch the show?

You never saw anybody
sock it to, stand up, there,

chest out, shoulders
back, tuck that chin in there

and right from the diaphragm.

Look right in there.

- Pear shaped, pear shaped.

Louder, real
loud, give it to me.

- Don't lisp.

Hit every syllable.

- Now you got it.

- I've seen this bit someplace.

(laughs)

I'm not punching it enough.

- Attack it, real loud.

- Sock it to me.

(splash)

(laughs)

- Now really put
something into it.

You'll get a scream.

- Didn't I do it?

- No, no, no, no.

- Almost.

- Sock it to me.

(splash)

(laughs)

- I admit, that's
kind of cute, though.

- You've never got a
laugh like that in your life.

- You guys ought
to try it sometime.

- Try what?

- Why don't you do it?

- What?

- What's that?

- You say sock it to me.

(splash)

(laughs)

- Guaranteed, works every time.

- I could have worked
Sesame Street like a gentleman.

(applause)

- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,

NBC, the nice
broadcasting company.

- Blah, blah.

- Blah, blah.

- Who covers its eyes and
pretends there's no such thing

as Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan

and Dick Martin.

With guest star Phil Silvers

and Arte Johnson

with Ruth Buzzi Alan Sues

Lily Tomlin

and Dennis Allen

Johnny Brown Ann
Elder, Nancie Phillips,

and Barbara Sharma,

and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this lighthearted question

to cigarette smokers.

- [Female Voiceover] Gone,
that's headache's really gone.

- Oh, is it true blondes
have more fun?

- Oh, Charity, nah.

- Then there isn't
a Santa Claus.

- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In

are brought to you
by all those beautiful

Breck hair products.

If you see a girl
with beautiful hair,

don't get jealous.

It's just that some
girls get all the Brecks.

(slapstick music)

(sock, sock)

(click, click, click)

- But.

(upbeat music)

(laughs)

(whirring)

(crash)

- Well, sir, tonight's
Mod Mod World

should really tickle your fancy.

- You son of a gun, you've
invited Boom Boom Fensterwald,

the friendly fan dancer?

- No, but you're close.

- Well, as a matter of
fact, we're going steady.

- No, no, I mean tonight
we're looking at the comic,

including the old
burlesque comic.

Who since time and memorial
has brought joy to the heart,

laughter to the lips.

- And a chorus girl
to his dressing room.

- No, no.

- Some of the comics
I know think so.

- You make comics sound
like lecherous playboys

and that's not true.

Actually they're highly
skilled professionals

in a most demanding business.

- And they make
very good doctors.

- Doctors?

- Sure, you remember
that comic that said,

I think it was Jack
Duran that said,

"Doctor, when I do
this my arm hurts."

And the guy said,
"Well, don't do it."

(laughs)

- That's a good old
joke, but it's really not

being a doctor.

- Well, does your
arm still hurt?

- No, of course not.

- See, it's better already.

- You're right.

Laughter's the best medicine,

so let's look at the comic.

- Well, take my
mod world, please.

(carnival music)

How could we laugh
How could we scream

How could we giggle
and grin Without him

How could we laugh
without the comic

Ha, ha

How could we live
without the funny fellow

Who could we get to
entertain us Shriners

Who could we trust
to tell the old one liners

- My wife is so skinny that
when she takes a shower

she has to wear snowshoes
to keep her from going

down the drain.

- My wife is so ugly she
looks like she came in third,

in a hatchet fight.

- My hometown is so small
it got a mirror at one end.

(laughs)

What would we do
without a punchline

How would we ever
hear the one about the

Life would be grand without

Chances are slim without it

Joy would be cut in half

How would we live
without the comic

He's the fellow
who makes us laugh

- This town was so dull,
one day the tide went out

and never came back.

(laughs)

- This hotel is so cheap you
had to make your own bed

with a hammer and nails.

- I know a girl so skinny
whenever she swallowed an olive,

three guys would leave town.

How would we laugh
without a Benny Well

How could we smile
without a Henny Youngman

How could we cope
without a Hope or Diller

Telling a joke as old Joe Miller

- You know the walls in
my apartment are so thin

we can tell everything
the neighbors are saying

by reading their lips.

- We were so poor that
the wolf came to the door

and left a sympathy card.

- My room was so small that
the mice were humpbacked.

What would we do
without Phil Silvers

How would we smile
without a Burns or Berle

Shall we go wild about 'em

Act like a child about it

Wanting an autograph

How could we do without a comic

He's a fellow who
makes us laugh and laugh

He's a fellow who
makes us laugh (laughs)

- I'll see you later.

- One of the prime elements
of comedy is surprise.

An audience is set for one
thing and another thing happens

causing them to laugh.

For an example of this,
we take you to Dan Rowan.

- Surprise.

See I'm not what
you expected at all.

Now for our demonstration
of the comedy of surprise.

(groovy music)

- Oh, yes, I'll lift the rating.

- [Lily] Mr. Silvers?

- Yes, dear.

- Mr. Silvers, do I
understand correctly

that your background
is that of a tasteless

burlesque performer?

- Well, that's right I started
as a burlesque comic

and I became a top
banana, but I had to start

at the bottom of the bunch.

- Get it?

- I certainly do.

Somewhere in your career,
you must have gone bananas.

- What they hay?

- It has been said that
the pun is the lowest

form of humor.

But unfortunately we are
not too low to stoop to it.

- And now here's Mrs.
Bella Lugosi to sing

Demons Are a
Gould's Best Friend.

- I went to a candy
store the other day.

The guy asked me
if I'd like some toffee,

so I said, "Sure,
pour me a tub."

- You know, Dennis,
you're a bright looking fellow.

- Well, thank you Phil.

- But you should
understand the importance

of doing visual comedy.

- Oh, I should.

- Visual is very funny.

- Visual is very-

- Now you take this board.

- Got a board.

- You see a mime
walking by carrying a board,

it could get interesting.

- Phil.

(whack)

- All right, Dennis.

That was visual comedy.

The old one.

(laughs)

Can't help people.

- Why that's brilliant.

- Did you like it?

- I really did.

Thanks an awful lot, Phil.

Ooh, one question Phil.

(whack)

- What's the question.

- If I can think of it.

- You know what was
wrong about the whole thing?

- What?

- I shouldn't have
turned around.

They have a nail in there.

If you bleed, we
may get more laughs.

Let's put a nail in there.

Look, you look a
little shaky to me.

Waiter!

- Waiter?

- Yeah, I want (whack)

- Whoo, missed me.

- See, a lot of guys going
comedy wouldn't have missed

you like that.

You know what they would do?

- What?

- They'd give it to
you to get a laugh.

(laughs)

- This way it was a
lesson in visual comedy.

Now take the board and practice.

Visual comedy is very funny.

- Well, that was marvelous
and I really love you, you know.

- Thank you.

- I'm gonna remember everything.

- I hope you do,
but I'll still help you.

- Goodbye.

- You know the-

- And thanks for everything.

- Well, any time, any time.

(whack)

You try to help kids, you try.

(laughs)

- Breeze there a comic
with souls so dead

who never to himself has said

take my mother-in-law, please.

- My mother-in-law
and I really hit it off.

Baseball bats and bricks.

- My mother-in-law
has a real ear for music.

Her head is shaped
like a trombone.

- My mother-in-law is
so ugly my father-in-law

takes her everywhere he goes,

just so he won't have
to kiss her goodbye.

- My mother-in-law
is the kind of woman

who would vote a
town dry and then leave.

- My mother-in-law is so
mean that for a wedding present,

she gave us bunk beds.

- My mother-in-law has a
job that suits her talents.

She stands in front of
the doctor's office making

people sick, yeah.

- My mother-in-law
said that when she died,

she was going to dig her way
out of the grave and haunt me.

So I buried her face down,
let her dig her way out of that.

(laughs)

- And the really great
show business families

were always performing.

To them every moment
was a moment for a laugh.

Families like the Cohans,
the Foyes and the very famous

Flying Wassermans.

Wassermans you're on, do
try to be tasteful, thank you.

- We, we, we, we, wow, wow.

- Well the Wassermans
really killed them tonight.

- We sure did.

As a matter of fact,
the entire audience

went home in a hearse.

(drum roll)

- Speaking of hearses,
pass the potatoes.

- I just tasted them and I'd
pass them, too, if i were you.

(drum roll)

- But seriously folks, how
do you like the dinner so far.

- Take this meat, please.

- I got half a mind to leave.

- You got half a mind period.

- Yes, but... Wait
for the rim shot.

(drum beat)

(knocking)

- Answer the door.

- What does it want to know?

(drum beat)

- Any of you know Lou Wasserman?

- No, but if you hum the
first four bars I'll fake it.

(drum beat)

- You're Lou Wasserman,
you're under arrest

for petty theft.

- That's a lie, she never
stole a petty in her life.

(drum beat)

- Instruments to the
ready and, come on.

(vaudeville music)

(applause)

- They loved us again.

- Yeah, the entire audience
went home in a hearse.

(laughs)

- It's so nice and
quiet for a change.

You know with that Ms.
Tupey Tepper and all

that noisy tuppering, it's
been giving me a bad case

of shell shock.

- Funny you should
mention shells Wolfgang.

I've got a great little
game we can play.

Do you know what this is?

- Yeah, we got a lot
of those around here.

They're half nuts.

- This is the old shell game.

Haven't you ever played
the old shell game?

- Why sure, they
shell us, we shell them,

they shell us, boom,
there goes the bunker.

- Funny, but no,
no, no, no, look.

I'm going to hide a
little goody under one

of these shells, right?

Then I'm going to move
them around and all you have

to do is guess which
shell the goody is under.

- You better get away from
my bush you city slicker.

- Come on, it's just a
little game of chance.

- That's what they
said when I got drafted.

(laughs)

- Maybe your luck
has changed, come on.

- Believe me, when I
want my luck changed,

it won't be with you and
some cockamamie shell game.

- Okay, Stiltz, but no goodies.

(female laughter)

- Listen.

- Yeah.

- Would you bring that shell
and come to my bunker?

(laughs)

- You might say you
dig shell shock, right?

- No, you might say it but I
would never say it, promise.

- Shell shock, it's a joke.

- Believe me, I know
all about shell shock

and that's no joke.

Okay, but anyhow, let's
go down to the bunker

and you can lift
up your shell for me

every one in a while.

(laughs)

- Well, first I guess you
know the classic joke

where the comic gets
hit in the face with a pie.

- Oh, yes, somebody sneaks
up on him and a pie comes

out of nowhere
and what's that for?

- Oh, I just thought inasmuch
as we're doing a thing on it.

- Well, let me tell
you to think again.

You're not going to
hit me with that thing.

No, siree, Bob.

- Well, of course
not, you don't think I'd

do anything like that.

Now how could I possibly,
you would, look over there.

- Where, as soon as I
turn back I get the old pie,

is that it?

- Can't fool you, huh?

- Are you kidding,
I just didn't fall off

a truckload of kumquats.

I've been around.

- Hey, look at this
beautiful broad.

- Where?

(laughs)

- See, now that's funny.

(splash)

- No, that's funny.

How could we
laugh without a comic

How, how

How could we live
without the funny fellow

Grown-ups and kids adore him

Let's have a party for him

He'll cut your cares in half

What would we do without a comic

He's a fellow who
makes us laugh and laugh

A fellow who makes us laugh

(applause)

(comedic music)

- [Gary] Optical illusion.

Close your eyes the
white square will turn black.

(comedic music)

(bad rendition of
Heart and Soul)

(gurgling)

What's the use across the nation

We have got the information

Laugh-In is
gonna tell it's views

La, da, dee, da We're
going do the news

(applause)

- [Gary] And now the
Laugh-In news with Dan Rowan

and Dick Martin and Dean
Martin in the Bermudas,

Raquel Welch in the West Indies,

Vivian Vance in France,
Viva Max in slacks

and Mohammed Ali in boxers.

- Good evening, it's Dan
Rowan in tweeds in New Haven.

- And this is Dick Martin in
drag in Harrodsburg, Kentucky.

And now here's tonight's news.

Dateline Pittsburgh.

Today the Pennsylvania
sex fair called pornography

in Pittsburgh open with an
exciting new look in strip shows.

The audience went wild
when four lady coal miners

walked on stage
nude and washed up.

- A survey today revealed
that more and more politicians

are now taking the time
to personally observe

prison conditions
in our country.

The latest is former
Mayor Adonisio of Newark,

who may be undertaking
a 10-year investigation.

(laughs)

- Santa Monica, California,
the mercury pollution

in our waters became
more evident last week

when a local fisherman
took sick at sea

and was able to take his
own temperature with a herring.

(laughs)

- That's a lot mercury
in the water there.

Here's some news of the future.

Detroit, Michigan,
1982, 12 years from now,

Lane L. Lewis, American's
leading female union negotiator

was forced to withdraw
from three month strike talks

when she was
rushed to the hospital

where she gave
birth to a baby boy,

making it the
first time in history

management and union
both suffered from labor pains.

- For our movie feature,
we take you to the home

of screen idol, Lance
McQueen, for an intimate look

at a Hollywood romance.

- There's something
I want to tell you.

- Yes, Lance, what is it?

- I think, I think I'm
in love with myself.

- Oh, Lance, I'm
so happy for you.

- Oh, but enough about me.

Let's talk about you.

- Okay.

- What do you
like best about me?

- Your modesty.

- Oh, you needn't
call me your modesty.

You can just call me Lance.

- Oh, wow, thanks.

Back to you, Dick.

- According to a
national survey,

only 98% of the
people interviewed know

who the President of
the United States is.

- Here to analyze the
significance of this survey

is Eric Clarified.

- Obviously, if 98 out
of 100 people know who

the President is, this
means that two out

of every hundred don't.

Now or to simplify
it, one half person

out of 25.

Now in order to sit
down and communicate

with these half
people, it is important

that they are half people
from the waist down

since it's impossible to
sit down with half people

from the waist up.

But by the same token, it is
also hard to see eye to eye

with people from the, half
people from the waist down.

You can't do it and
I want to thank you.

(glass clinking)

- Now to clarify what
Eric Clarified just clarified,

here's Jeff Huntley.

- The man is
obviously a half wit.

Oh, I'll have to wear gloves.

- Now we'll switch to Phil
Silvers for a fresh approach.

(horn blowing)

(keys clank)

- Say, that is a fresh approach.

- Glad to see you.

- Fresh.

(slap)

- And now the weather.

- Here in Siberia the
average low temperature

is getting lower, the
average mean temperature

is getting meaner and
the weekend you can look

for warm sunny skies.

You can look all you want,
but you ain't gonna find them.

That's it for now.

That's it for later,
too, see you.

La, da, dee, da,
ladies and gents

Laugh-In looked at the news

(applause)

- My girlfriend doesn't
believe in shaving her legs,

so once a year she goes
down to the beauty parlor

and has them braided.

Mr. Silvers?

No, no, no, I must ask you
to be a little more tasteful.

After all, this is a family
program, don't you see.

- Wait just a minute.

Didn't you used to work
as a stripper in Detroit?

- Mr. Silvers, I've never
been in Detroit in my life.

- I could swear that,
Peaches Latouche.

I'll never forget that
night when you fell off

the runway in Detroit.

- Well, you're terrible
mistaken, my good man.

It was Boston.

- I never forget a face.

(comedic music)

(laughs)

- You know what?

You're Mrs. Watson's
dog, aren't you.

You know what I did?

I took my Uncle Albert's
Playboy magazine

and I hid it in the clothes
hamper and I didn't read it

except for the comics
and that one real big lady.

And that's the truth.

- We would like to offer
this holiday greeting

to all our Jewish
friends in Australia.

Happy pass under.

(comedic music)

- Ann honey?

- Mm-Hmm?

- Do you think there's too
much violence on television?

- Oh, absolutely.

- Good.

Don't hit.

(comedic music)

- Time for quickies.

- Hmm, time for the
quickies, my foot, hurry up,

make it quick.

I gotta get home
and feed my puppy.

- No kidding, you got a puppy?

They say that dog's
a man's best friend.

- I sure hope so because
this ones up to here

and weighs 165 pounds.

- What kind of puppy is that?

- Well, it's old Migley
Toe, my chihuahua.

(laughs)

- Chihuahua.

Chihuahua's a tiny Mexican
dog, something's wrong here.

You don't understand,
what do you feed

this big chihuahua of yours?

- Nothing unusual.

In the morning, it's orange
juice, two poached eggs,

coffee, prune danish, maybe
and little brandy and cigars.

- You don't feed, that's
no way to feed a dog.

- Maybe not, you want to argue
with a 165-pound chihuahua?

- We're going to the quickies.

- Me, too, I don't
even speak French.

- It's Spanish.

A chihuahua's a Mexican dog.

- No wonder he's ignoring me.

- Si, si, senor, let's
go to the quickies.

We've been ignoring them.

- Call Desi Arnaz
to talk to them.

- Tell me a little
about yourself.

- I'm pregnant.

- You know, Johnny,
the government is finally

doing something about pollution.

- Hey, I'm getting out of here.

- Wait, what's the matter?

- Well, I figure if
they handle pollution

the same way they
handle integration,

we've got about
three hours left to go.

- I've been in the waiting
room all night long.

There's something wrong
with me, what should I do?

- Go home and get some rest.

That'll be $10.

- Oh, this is the last time
I'm going to warn you.

You get rid of that
woman immediately

or you and I are finished.

- Honey, you want to go
home and take care of the kids.

My secretary is a little upset.

(laughs)

- Tell me a little
about yourself.

- I'm 16.

- What'll it be?

- Ham and eggs if
you're sure they're fresh.

- Sure.

- Okay, ham and eggs.

- Okay, one ham and eggs.

- Okay, it'll be a minute.

(groovy music)

- Tell me a little
about yourself.

- I'm the detective
your wife hired.

- Mr. Hornai.

- Yeah.

- You're terrible
lack of good taste

in pursuing the
ladies on this program

is offensive to me.

I must ask you to
remember my innocence.

- Oh, I bet you can't
remember it yourself

you old bat.

(laughs)

- Tell me a little
about yourself.

- My name is Harold.

- Harold won't leave me
alone and stop following me.

Cheats me everywhere, it's over.

- Well, it is right past, how
did you like the quickies.

- Oh, golly gosh, I missed them.

I had to go check
on old Miguelito.

It's amazing the
way he's growing.

- You're kidding.

How big is he now?

- Oh, about this size now.

- He's getting smaller.

- Isn't that amazing?

I think the cigars
stunted his growth.

- That's a shame.

- Not really, he ate me
out of house and home.

- He ate you out
of house and home.

Well, he's a big dog.

Needs a lot of food.

- What food?

He ate my house and my home.

- A poet once said a
woman like good brandy

improves with age.

- My mother is like that.

- She improves with age?

- No, she likes brandy.

- I heard that
about your mother.

- Did you see my new tie?

- I love it.

- I would have found
that particularly enjoyable

if it weren't so very
tasteless, thank you.

- Hi sports people, Big Al here.

(rings bell)

Tonight we're covering the
world's championship match

of an exciting new
game called Feddernick.

Carrying the event with me
and also officiating the match

is former Feddernick
champion Lee Wannamaker.

- Hey Big Al.

Hi sports fans, the
game is ready to begin.

Here comes the
challenger, Flash Hemming.

- And here comes the
champion Dutch Burns.

- Oh, in a rumba costume.

- Take your position.

Play Feddernick.

- Oh, that's exciting.

Would you explain what's
happening there Lee?

- You bet your puckies Big Al.

Oh, watch it, watch it.

Now if you don't know
what a double foddom is,

it's a rapid
succession of clops.

- Loads, loads.

- There's a penalty here,
cross clubbing, two punches.

- Aw.

(whistle blows)

- Not another punch.

- No punch, one Shayna Punam.

- Shayna Punam.

- I'll give you a Shayna Punam.

- Good moving,
good moving, hold it.

Time's up, game set and
Feddernick to Hemming.

Would you care to join
me at the big victory dance?

- Well, I don't know,
where's it going to be held?

- Right here.

- Oh.

- Jolly.

- This is Big Al, I'll be
dancing and flash hopping

with the new world
Feddernick champion.

Ta, ta.

(groovy music)

(comedic music)

- You know it's-

- Mr. Silvers, are you
really a fast talking con man?

- No, of course not,
but I'll tell you what

I'm going to do
for you little lady.

For 50 bucks, I'm going to
get you booked on Laugh-In.

- I'm already in Laugh-In.

- Fine, send me the 50.

- I don't have 50.

- Have you got 40?

- Well, yeah, I think so.

- Okay, send me the 40 and
you can owe me the 50, right?

- Right.

- Right, nice kid.

(groovy music)

(comedic music)

(sock)

- Cut.

(comedic music)

- Hello friends of etiquette.

Ellie Vanderguilt here.

Thank you Gregory.

Today we're going to
turn our eyes and stomachs

to a platter of pleasurable
pleasing pasta.

The sin-uey spaghetti.

The secret of spaghetti
is a simple one.

It is a twirl, yes.

Twirl your way to good eating.

In order to enjoy
good spaghetti,

it is best to twirl it into
easily handled masses.

Par example, yes, twirl.

Now.

(laughs)

Now.

Mama Mia, that's
some good spaghetti.

- I know you're just dying
to ask me what this is.

- Ah ha.

That's a new tall coffee table.

Hey, you know, another
week has just seemed to fly by.

What'd you do over the weekend?

- Well, I, first-
(phone ringing)

- There's a phone ringing.

- I'll get it.

- What's that?

- What does it look like?

It's my new portable telephone.

I'm expecting a very
important telephone call.

Hello.

No, no, no, definitely not.

I'm sorry, impossible.

No, goodbye.

- Who was that?

- I don't know, but we
couldn't agree on anything.

(laughs)

- Well, what did you
do over the weekend?

- Well, first I went
down to Gluck's Hill.

(phone ringing)

May be another important call.

Hello?

Is who home?

No, no, he's out.

- Who was that?

- Well, somebody wanted to
know if Dick Martin was home

and he isn't because I'm here.

- What did you do
over the weekend, Dick?

- Well-(phone ringing)

- This may be my important call.

Hello?

- This is ridiculous.

Dick, come on, we
got a show to do.

I'm not gonna listen to any
more of your dumb phone calls.

- Just a minute, it's for you.

- Hello?

What?

Who's answering service?

Dick Martin?

- Yeah, I asked them
to call you this morning.

See I wanted to talk to you.

Don't hang up, I'll
get it on the extension.

Hello, answering service,
put me through to Mr. Rowan.

He's on another phone?

Look, this is important.

Interrupt his call and
ask him to hang up.

- What?

Hang up.

With pleasure.

- Okay, you can ring him now.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Yes.

Dick Martin is
here, just a minute.

Somebody wants to talk to you.

- Okay, give me that phone,
you hold this one for me.

They're trying to
get through to you.

- Hello?

Yes, well, this is Dan Rowan.

Yes, I know Dick Martin
is trying to reach me.

Uh-huh, yes, he's on
another phone right now.

Oh, you'll interrupt him
and ask him to hang up.

- You want me to hang up.

Well, okay.

Did they get you?

- Yes.

- Good, I want to talk to
you, give me the phone.

Hello, did you get Mr. Rowan?

Oh, you're trying to
reach Dick Martin?

Well, have you tried
the other phone?

(phone ringing)

Hello, hello Dick Martin?

- This is preposterous.

- Well, hi there
Mr. Preposterous.

It's some Greek
fellow, I don't know.

Listen, I can't talk now.

We've got to get
to the other party.

(groovy music)

- Martha Mitchell doesn't think

she's overstepping her
bounds and she's planning

to say so in a State
of the Union message.

(groovy music)

- Did you come
here in your own car?

I'm sorry.

Anyways, I was saying
yesterday I saw some guy

ranting and raving
about low pay, you know,

lack of appreciation,
lousy working conditions,

so I arrested him for
impersonating an officer.

(groovy music)

- Yesterday I had a
great career ahead of me.

I was standing
behind Jack Lemmon.

(groovy music)

- Vice-President Agnew's
appearances at events

held to raise money
for the Republican party

has netted the Republicans
over 7 million dollars.

Hey, do you think the
Vice-President could help

balance a budget if he
started making appearances

on behalf of everybody?

(groovy music)

- You know, you really
know when there's

too many detergents in water.

When my brother jumps
in an old swimming hole

and comes out
whiter and brighter.

(groovy music)

- I just bought a Martha
Mitchell alarm clock.

The problem is
you can't shut it off.

(groovy music)

- Oh, Dickey, we're
being naughty again.

- Good, maybe someone
will send us to my room

without any supper.

(groovy music)

- Oh, I really wish
they'd do something

about crime in the streets.

How would you like
it people got mugged

in your place of business.

(groovy music)

- I don't think society should
knock hippy communes

just because they might
look alike or dress alike

or live together.

So does the King family.

(groovy music)

- My daddy says that
if the blacks really want

to get anywhere,
they should start out

the way he did.

White.

Ooh wee, that's tacky.

(groovy music)

- I've been conducting a study

of the effect of television
on human sexual behavior

and I can tell you right
now it has not effect at all

because at times like
that who's watching.

(groovy music)

- On college campuses
today, the students are playing

a new form of Russian Roulette.

One out of every
six birth control pills

is an aspirin.

(groovy music)

(laughs)

- Oh, Ace, you know, you
ought to be an astronaut.

- You mean, you want
me to fly you to the moon?

- No, I'd just like
to see you take off

or do something
about that shirt, whoo,

what a pong odor.

(laughs)

(groovy music)

- Looks like Spiro
Agnew is thinking

about running for
President on his own.

I wonder if he'd want Nixon
to be his Vice-President again?

(groovy music)

(siren)

(comedic music)

(dramatic music)

(baby crying)

(comedic music)

- And now for the most
significant development

in the field of psychiatric,
we take you to the office

of Dr. Sigfreud Mund.

- This does not worry
me, I've been sued before.

Don't think you're federal,

hello I see you've kept
your appointment on time.

This proves you are prompt.

That'll be $25.

Now, let's get on
with the analysis.

Now this couch here,
this is used to ease tension

and make the mind
flow more freely.

You see, now when
you lie down, look.

It's working already.

Now you, lie down right here.

You, lie down next to him.

Ah, now, I'm going to
give you a word test.

Say the first word that
comes to your mind.

- Okay.

- Open.

- Shut.

- Down.

- Up.

- Wife.

- Shut-Up.

- Ah, I just realized the truth.

- What is it?

- I hate my wife.

That'll be $25.

Make a note on that
because you guys

probably have the
same trouble, right?

- I'm not even married.

- That's very, he's not married?

Let me talk to him a minute.

(laughs)

Check this, you're
sure you're not married.

Now perhaps you have
a phobia against children.

Tell me, how do you
feel about little ones?

- Well, I generally have
a couple after lunch.

- That'll be $25.

- I never drink before dinner.

- Ah ha, that's
very interesting.

That shows a rejection.

You never drink.

Let me talk to him a minute.

Good place to keep
your fountain pen.

Tell me, have you ever
wanted to drink before dinner?

- Yes and no.

- Yes and no.

That indicates a
split personality.

- Is that right?

- Inside you are
really two people.

You know what this means?

- No, what?

- I'll have to
charge you double.

- Make mine a double, too.

- That's cute, but
it makes sense.

Shows he has a split
personality and I would like

to know more about, let
me talk to him a minute.

(laughs)

You're a lousy judge of
distance, you know that.

Now do you realize
with your split personality

and with his split personality,
there are five people

on this couch?

That's too much for
one person to handle.

Do you mind if I have
my nurse come in

and lie down with us?

- That's okay.

- That makes four
of us who agree.

- Good, oh, nurse.

Would you help us?

(laughs)

- She used to be
with the Supremes

and then she left them.

Every bone in my
leg just snapped.

- Mine, too.

- Wonderful.

Gentleman, I have
just left psychiatry

and gone into chiropractics.

Good job, that'll be $25.

(laughs)

- Could you move
over here a little bit.

(laughs)

(comedic music)

- Mr. Silvers, I just
wanted to tell you

that I saw you in Butch
Cassidy and you looked great.

- Hold on, honey, just a
minute, I wasn't in Butch Cassidy,

that was Paul Newman.

- Oh, well, no wonder
you look so great.

Shayna Newman.

- I do have dimples.

(comedic music)

- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In

were brought to you by
new Formica Floor Shine.

It's even harder than
most floors it protects.

- Well, it's time once
again to say goodnight Dick.

- I'm sorry, Dan, I'm just
thinking about my Uncle Ed.

- Your uncle, well,
that's a switch.

Whatever happened to
the stories about your aunt?

- Oh, thank you, nice of you
to ask about old Aunt Bertha.

You know, I knew you'd
want to know what happened

the time she got trapped
in that two-man submarine

with the Green Bay Packers.

- Can't wait to hear about that.

- Well, just be patient.

See, now, she
slimmed herself down

to a very svelte 298 pounds.

- That's svelte.

- Yeah, that's svelte, oh, ho.

And she suddenly
found herself trapped

in this two-man submarine
with the Green Bay Packers.

And when they were
rescued the Packers said.

- I don't think I want
to hear about this.

- Did you ever see
such a wild back field?

- Say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

Goodnight Bertha, see
you in the Super Bowl.

(applause)

- You won't believe what
happened to me today.

Ladies and gentleman,
here they are,

the wonderful talented sweet
charming guess which one

has the mumps, Rowan and Martin.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there.

- Shayna Punam.

- Shayna Punam, who?

- Shayna Punam
(nonsense rambling)

- Hey, Dan, can
I help tell a joke?

- No, Alan, go ahead Phil.

- What does he
want with my joke.

- You've got a good joke, Phil.

- When I got a good
joke, I want to do it.

- You saw my salary.

- Last night, I went to
a very tough nightclub.

When they turned
on the spotlight,

three waiters confessed.

- Oh, beautiful.

What didn't you let Alan do it?

- You're right.

- You know, when I was
a baby, I was so chubby

I had to use disposable sheets.

- [Dan] What?

- Hey, you know what?

Recently I went on a boat trip.

It was one of those
real low budget cruises.

And I knew something was
wrong when the social director

came out and said,
"Simon says abandon ship."

- I found a restaurant
that is so classy,

they not only put panties
on the lamb chops,

panties, yes, they put
supp hose on the frogs' legs.

- Boy am I tired.

- Is that my cue?

- Yeah, I've been trying to
keep up with the Joneses.

- How do you hear me?

I don't know why you want
to keep up with the Jonses.

Why?

Are they rich?

- No, they're newlyweds.

They're out every night.

- Oh, let's have a hand for Dan.

- And here he is
ladies and gentleman,

Mr. Funny Man, model
dancer and stage manager,

Dan Rowan.

- Recent polls show
that half the people

in certain areas can't
remember their congressman.

The other hand
were trying to forget it.

- You know my
uncle the parachutist?

- No, I don't know him.

- Well, anyway, he came
down with something

very, very serious.

- What was that?

- An unopened parachute, wow.

(incoherent rambling)

- There's a long distance
call from a Mr. Dave Tebin.

What does it mean?

It says something
about canceled.

- Simon says abandon joke wall.

(comedic music)

- Throw the ball to me.

(comedic music)

Why?

(splash)

(crash)

Why, why?

- [Male Voiceover] Why not?

- I just want to write a
note home to mother.

- Hey, it was really nice to
see Sergeant Bilko again.

I never saw him before,
but they told me to say

never to see him again.

He's a cutie.

Well, speaking of cuties,

fortunately the cockamamie
tupperer isn't around.

- Oh, Wolfgang, you're so cute.

- Look out, now she's
tuppeling around in my bush.

- Why don't you like my dancing.

- I will be gentle.

I don't like your dancing
because it's rotten

and speaking of fancy
footwork, how's your friend Spiro?

- Oh, yes, goodnight
Mr. President and here's a little

poem I wrote just for you.

Roses are red, the grass
is green, President Agnew's

a great human being.

(tapping)

- Whoo, I believe what
was galigable before

is gully galigable now
because that was ungaligable.

I got a feeling I'm going to
be deported in the morning.

(tapping)