Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

(air raid siren)

- So, we meet again (laughs).

You fools came back.

- Hey, Ralph?

(audience applause)

Hey Ralph, come on upstairs.

Time to watch Laugh-In.

- Norton, are you crazy,

you don't have a set.



- That's the best way
to watch that show.

(audience laughter)

Alright, we'll use your
set, come on, will ya?

Hey Ralph, if you ask
me, I think you've been

out in that Miami
sun a little too long.

- Shut up and turn on the set.

- And now, NBC, loser
of 33 Emmy awards,

presents Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In,

starring Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin.

(audience laughter)

- I do hope this season they
will be tasteful, thank you.

(upbeat music)

(audience applause)

- Hold it, hold it down please,



such unrestrained enthusiasm.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It is wonderful to
be back for our fourth

season on Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.

- Right and I would just
personally like to say.

- Blah, blah.

(audience laughter)

- That's the
season's first review.

- Right.

- Just a minute, that
was not very interesting,

it was just dumb, loud and dumb.

(squeaking sound)

- Blah, blah!

(audience laughter)

- That's unbeligabulbul, bu, bu,

that's a waste of height.

- Moving right
along with us tonight,

our special guest
star, Art Carney!

(audience applause)

- Hi, I'm Art Carney and I'm
a legend in show business.

(audience laughter)

(playful music)

How long is the camera
gonna stay on me?

(audience laughter)

- Arte Johnson.

- Oh, ri-di-di-dom, if
you were 40 years older,

we'd probably have
a rotten time together.

(audience laughter)

- Ruth Buzzi.

- Men may work from sun to sun,

but women's work is never done.

(audience laughter)

- I just wanna swing.

I'm begging.

- Henry Gibson.

- I now pronounce
you man and wife,

no, no, my
children, just a kiss.

- Alan Sues.

- Back field illegally in
motion (whistle blows),

oh, just makes me a wreck.

I like Brahms and
I like soft music

and little hugs
and little kisses.

I hate my whistle.

- Little Lily Tomlin.

- I'm Suzy Sorority
from the silent majority

and if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.

I'm Suzy Sorority from
the silent majority, rah.

Like Daddy says, if parents
don't know what's best

then the kids are wrong.

I'm Suzy Sorority from
the silent majority, rah.

(audience laughter)

Oh, Mr. Fubuckley,
Mr. Fubuckley,

you'll just love this new girl.

She's our kind of
people, hello, hello?

- And such wonderful
new cuckoos as

Dennis Allen.

(slide whistle blows)

- And another new
goody, our prediction lady,

Nancie Phillips.

- I predict that Jean
Dixon and Chriswell

will be found together
in a motel room

and when the police burst in,

Ms. Dixon and Chriswell
will be heard to say,

"I knew this was
going to happen."

(audience laughter)

- Johnny Brown.

- I ask you not to call me boy.

(water splashes)

- The 10 tapping toes
of Tiny Barbara Sharma.

- I gave up everything
just to appear

on Laugh-In this season

because my president
said, it will help save

our country, I will
serve Mr. President.

(tap shoes clacking)

- And so there you have
some of our regular cast

members and some
of the new cuckoos

you'll come to know and love.

- How can you
talk about the cast

and not mention Walter?

- Well, there's no
Walter on the list.

- Well, Walter's
on my list, look.

- Walter is the only
name on your list.

- Well, when you got a Walter,

you don't need anybody else.

(audience laughter)

- What does Walter do?

- Well, Walter is a
master of disguise.

Come on out, Walter.

- That's Walter?

- Golly gosh, saw right
through the disguise, didn't you?

(audience laughter)

- Now, wait a minute, it
shouldn't be master of disguise.

Walter is obviously a
mistress of disguise.

- Golly gosh, saw right
through it again, didn't you?

(audience laughter)

- Alright you ding-a-ling,

now just what can
Walter do for us?

- Ask not what
Walter can do for us,

ask only what Walter
has done for us.

(audience laughter)

- Hold on now.

- Golly gosh, saw
right through it again.

- We'll be back right after
this important message.

- Ooh, my girdle's killing me.

(audience laughter)

- In order to achieve
perfection in production,

this program was prerecorded

and now, stay
tuned for the rest of

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,

the program that dares
to ask the question.

- You're gonna have a what?

(audience laughter)

- Okay, cut, that's a
wrap, see you next fall.

(audience laughter)

- [Announcer] Portions
of Rowan & Martin's

Laugh-In are brought
to you by Breck,

makers of all those
beautiful products

for beautiful hair and by Ford

with the better
idea cars for 1971,

including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.

(upbeat playful music)

(bell cha-chings)

- Hey, you're gonna be
in for the next four years,

now let's just see
what you're qualified for.

- Well, in civilian
life I was a student.

I have a BA in organic
chemistry and an MA in accounting

and a PhD in
ultra-sonic electronics.

- Good, do you live alone?

- Yes.

- Good, we'll make you a cook.

(audience laughter)

(patriotic music)

- Next,

hello, boy.

What's your background?

- Golly, till Ms. Lake found me

I just stand in
the yard and sing

for the chickens, golly

and I sing to the
cows, golly gee.

- Now, what did
you sing, little fella?

To dream the impossible dream

- Good, do you
have a pilot's license?

- Golly, yes, I do.

- Good, we'll make you a cook.

(audience laughter)

(comedic music)

(siren blaring)

- This is an optical illusion,

now stare intently at
the dot for five seconds.

Now turn your head away,

the dot will
immediately disappear.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- You know, if they
continue with these

communal group marches,

they'll have to give
quantity discount abortions.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- My Daddy's upset.

He says that since
the colored folks

have got the right to vote,

a lot of them think
they got the right to vote.

(audience laughter)

- The studio called today

and wanted me to do a talkie.

I was quite surprised.

I thought I was dead.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- That was one quick party.

Believe me, I know a lot
about quick parties (chuckles).

(typewriter clacking)

- Yes, uh, just uh,
what is your name, sir?

- I'm known as the
Masked Lobster.

(audience laughter)

- Won't you have a seat?

- Thank you, miss.

- Uh, what exactly is it
that you do, Mr. Lobster?

- I pinch out evil.

(audience laughter)

- Pinches out evil, huh,

could you be more explicit?

- Well, you know,
I search out evil

wherever it rears it's ugly head

and then I pinch it.

- Oh, well,

let me look in my file.

I'll see if I have
something for you,

oh, take this form.

- Yes.

- And won't you fill
it out for me please?

- Thank you.

(wood crumbles)

(wood crumbles)

(wood crumbles)

Oh, here's something
I have right here,

it might be up your alley.

How fast do you type?

- Oh, about two or
three words a day.

(audience laughter)

Actually, you see, I
sort of have my heart

set on pinching out evil.

- Well, um, what kind of
salary are you looking for?

- Salary?

The Masked Lobster interested
in monetary reward (laughs),

young lady, you must be
joking, halderall, bushwall.

My very being is dedicated only

to cracking down
wrongdoing and pinching it out.

- Salary open, uh-huh, well,

let me just call up here.

I might have something for you.

- Thank you.

- Hello, this is
House of Careers.

Are you still having
some problem,

(paper crackles)

over at your place with evil?

(wood cracks)

I have a young
man, he's dedicated

to pinching out evil.

(glass breaks)

Excellent, I'll send
him right over.

Are you, good, good, thank you.

Oh, this is terrific.

Now, here's,
they're expecting you

to come right over.

This is the address.

I want you to take it,

try to make a good impression.

(bone cracks)

Ow.

(audience laughter)

Do your best and let
us know what happens.

- You've been most
kind, young lady.

You remind me of
my old Latin teacher.

Goodbye now.

I go now and I am going
to find evil and pinch

the devil out of it.

(audience laughter)

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, pal,

the position has
just been filled.

(audience laughter)

- Don't tell me you
don't believe in free love?

- I don't.

- I told you not to tell me.

(70's dance music)

- And now, chapter one
in the continuing story

of The Four Most People,
Liz, Dick, Jackie, Ari

as we join them, they
are chattering gayly.

- Bored.

- Bored.

- Bored.

- Bored.

- This world is so dull.

Nothing to do.

- Ari, that's a smashing
new car you have.

- I like your new
sports model too.

- Is that all there is?

Cars, cars, cars?

- Why can't we have
any fun for a change?

- Wait a millions,

I've heard of brand new
American game called Swap.

- Swap, how does it work?

- Simple, you take-a
your wife and you throw

her in the middle of the room

and I do the same with Jackie

and then you and
me are blindfolded

and we try to pick at one.

(audience laughter)

- Sounds like fun.

- Oodles.

- What happens next?

- Whichever wife you get,

you're allowed to drive
that person's car home.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- I admit there's a certain
amount of police brutality.

Every week I look at my paycheck

and it's brutal.

(audience laughter)

- Our gang went down
to the lake last night

for a midnight swim
and got busted.

- For nude bathing?

- No, for water pollution.

(audience laughter)

- I believe in visual
aids and education,

however, some
people feel that students

should see their
sex education films

in a drive-in, so in case
they're doing anything wrong,

they can see what
they're doing wrong,

while they're doing it wrong,

but I just don't
understand why you gotta

go to school to
learn how to kiss.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

(playful comedic music)

(trombone playing)

- I'm very sorry Mr. Lazar,
to have to tell you this.

You'll just never
make a good mortician.

- Oh, but sir, what
did I do wrong?

- Well, first of all,

we either inter the departed

or we bury them.

We do not plant them.

(audience laughter)

Secondly, when we lower
the remains into the ground,

we don't say, and away we go.

(audience laughter)

But above all, Lazar,
and I cannot stress

this point too strongly,

when we invite the next of kin

to view the remains
of the dear departed,

we don't say, "hey, wanna
sneak a peak at stiffy?"

(audience laughter)

- Woo, gone, my headache's gone.

- You think that's a grabber,

you ought to see
her Flip Wilson.

- I'd rather see
her Pat Buttram.

(audience laughter)

(goofy music)

- (Laughing)

(patriotic music)

- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't

have to say nothing
if I don't want to.

- [Announcer] This
is an optical illusion.

The inside circle is
outside of the outside circle

and vice versa.

(audience laughter)

- You know what I did,

I took my mama's manticure set

and I filed my fingernails

and I buffed my fingernails.

It was real interesting

and I polished my toenails

and now I can't
get my socks off.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- I'm so confused.

My nephew just entered
the theological seminary.

He's majoring in
business administration

and minoring in religion.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- I think pollution of our
streams and waterways

is awful.

It's getting so
a body ain't safe

in the East River no more.

(audience laughter)

- Art, did you hear
the FCC's considering

limiting the network's
control of prime time?

- I'm for anything that'll
cut down on air pollution.

(70's dance music)

- The Population
Song by Henry Gibson,

25% of all the people who
ever lived are alive today.

Babies, babies, babies

Folks keep having babies

Hatchin' gets so catchin'

That we overdo

Every time your pulse beats

Someone has a baby

Sure is gettin' crowded
in the human zoo

I'm not through Babies,
babies every week

A million babies

Ain't it plain

We need a saner point of view

Won't be long before
these babies all have babies

Hope they'll leave some

Standing room for me
and you Almost through

When I was a kid I
heard a silly rumor

Baby boom sell bloomers
make consumers too

Seems inhuman living
strictly for consumin'

Populatin' just for
war and revenue

Now I'm through
(audience applause)

(cart rumbling)

(playful music)

(audience laughter)

(siren wails)

- I remember standing in
front of the White House

thinking, somebody
I'll be there.

- Was that before you were
vice president, Mr. Humphrey?

- No, that was while
I was vice president.

- Hi.

An Indian friend of
mine got yellow jaundice

and turned orange.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

(Tyrone mumbling)

- Poo, poo.

- (Gasps)

- Thrilled again, right?

Ah well, I know I'm invincible.

- Oh, how did you
ever find me here?

- All summer I
searched and I left

no stone unturned
when I sensed from afar

you needed me, I flew to
your side on wings of love.

- Oh, Tyrone, I don't need you.

- Oh, come on.

- I don't wanna see you.

- Oh, piddle, piddle.

- I have no time for you.

- Oh, fiddle faddle.

- I'm just a poor, working girl.

- Ha, ha, ha and I have
come to taste the delights

of your tupsickery and talents.

(audience laughter)

How about a mazurka,

alone with me on
the starlit terrace?

Haven't crossed
much of that, have you?

How 'bout a fast fandango
behind my favorite fern?

- (Gasps)

- (Laughs) How about a
two-step to the telephone

to notify my next of kin?

(audience laughter)

I won't dance, don't ask me.

(audience applause)

- You know,

Governor Reagan has been
endorsed by Frank Sinatra

and Dean Martin.

- A drunk and a sex maniac.

- That's a dreadful
thing to say,

all about the
governor of California.

- Not the governor, I was
talking about my first wife.

- Ah (laughs).

- Wha!

- Got you with the
old thumbtack, didn't I?

(laughs)

I know ooh, no
hard feelings, I hope,

(joy buzzer buzzes),

whoa, got you with
the old joy buzzer.

Hey, you got a button missing,

hey, made you
look, made you look,

made you buy a pocketbook.

Hey, wanna smell
my flower, look.

(water squirts)

(audience laughter)

(telephone rings)

Oh, excuse me, phone.

I'll be right back,
don't sit down now.

Yello?

Oh yes, Governor, yes, sir.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,

yes, thank you very
much, Governor.

I'll tell him.

Al?

- Yes.

- Son.

- Yes.

- You've got a reprieve.

- Oh god.

- April fools, April fools!

- Oh no, oh.

- All kidding aside,

you probably wanna
be alone, meditate,

have a few thoughts.

- Uh-Huh.

- I thought maybe you'd
like to look at this good book.

- Thank you very much.

(spring boings)

(audience laughter)

Oh, you're sick, creep, weirdo.

- Ah, listen to me, gloomy Gus,

you sure are a party pooper.

You've sure taken the
fun out of all my day.

(electricity crackles)

- Boo.

(70's dance music)

- You know, our
courts are so far behind

in trying cases that if
you commit a crime,

chances are it'll take
you longer to get into jail

then it will to get out.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- Uh, say, did you
go to Hollywood High?

- No baby, but I
sure was spaced out

when I graduated.

- Last week I found
a great agent and he

signed me to the
standard 10% contract.

That very day he
got me a part for $500

and he gave me my
$50 right on the spot.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

- Alright, okay, alright,

quiet on the set, Lester
Maddox Integration commercial

take 68, okay, let's
cue the warden.

(wood clacks)

Warden, ahh, for, ahh.

(70s dance music)

- We'll be right back with
more music and dancing

featuring excerpts
from the new album

Lawrence Welk at
Woodstock after this message.

A one, a two.

(metal clacks)

- Hello, testing, one,
two, three, testing.

- (no audible dialogue)
- (audience laughter)

- And now for these
important words.

(70's dance music)

- The first portion of
this evening's show

was the result of a
combined lack of interest.

- Rah.

(humorous music)

Dancing in the
dark (wood cracks)

(audience laughter)

(patriotic music)

(cart rumbles)

(siren wails)

(audience laughter)

- Well it seems the six
near-sighted topless dancers

were working in a sawmill.

- Now, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

What are you doing?

- The monologue, doesn't
it always come here?

- Well yeah, only you're
doing it without me.

- Well of course, that's
what a monologue is,

one person talking,
from the Latin, mono, one,

logue, talk,
monologue, keep talking.

(audience laughter)

So these near-sighted
topless dancers,

there's six of 'em
were working...

- Wait a minute,
now wait a minute.

Now, I'll admit
that technically,

mono does mean one,

you know, I'm impressed.

Where did you learn Latin?

You've never been
able to stay interested

in on thing for 10 seconds.

- That's not true.

Now, what were we talking about?

- You should have been
talking about our guest tonight,

the well-known
Art Carney, dummy.

- Oh, of course.

That well-known
dummy Art Carney.

(audience laughter)

- You can't call Art Carney
a well-known dummy.

- That little known
dummy Art Carney.

- You dingbat, you
haven't changed a bit

and we don't have time
for these insignificant

jocosities of yours,
tonight, with our guest star,

Art Carney, we are
going to review some of

the important events and
changes that have taken

place in this great country
of ours since last season.

- What changes?

- Are you kidding me,
why there's been enormous

changes this summer.

- Okay, how's the president
been doing since we left?

- Oh, well, about the same.

- Uh-huh, what's the
vice-president been doing?

- Uh, the usual.

- Uh-huh, what's
happening with the war?

- We're still there.

- Well.

- Seems these six
nearsighted topless dancers...

- Hold it, I thought
we were going to do

an in-depth study of
what's been happening

over the summer.

- Hey, that's a good idea.

- Well, alright.

- We'll do an in-depth study

of what's been happening
over the summer.

- During the summer I
was working in a sawmill

with these six nearsighted
topless dancers, gotcha!

(audience laughter)

- Not really, nothing's changed,

with that vital
information Laugh-In now

looks at the events
of last summer.

- Your mustache is on fire.

- There was great
activity in the literary world.

- We're talking with
Dr. David Ruben,

author of the
runaway bestseller,

Everything You've Always
Wanted To Know About Sex,

But Were Afraid To Ask.

Oh, tell me Dr. Ruben,
how in the world

did you ever manage
to compile the enormous

amount of data
contained in your book?

(playful music)

- Meanwhile, back
at the Pentagon.

- Take notes, Whacker.

- Yes, sir.

- Gentleman, as I
understand the plan,

we're gonna go into Cambodia.

- Excuse me, sir.

- That's right, General,
just checking you out.

- Going into
Cambodia on the theory

that by temporarily
widening the war,

we actually will
be shortening it.

This way we can be out
of there in a year's time.

- Well, wait a minute.

If by going into Cambodia,

the war could be over in a year,

why don't we continue west

and also go into
Laos, Burma and India,

that way it could be
over in six months.

- Well, by extending that idea,

if we keep moving west
through Saudi Arabia

and Africa, the war could
be over in three months.

- Why don't we just
keep moving west

till we get to Washington DC,

that way, the war
could be over tomorrow.

- Whacker, you may
be on to something.

- Oh, I hope so.

- In summer concerts
throughout the land,

everyone was tapping
his neighbor to the tune of...

Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats

With brown shoes
and argyle socks

With Agnew clocks

We're wearing hardhats now

- I have nothing against
young people personally,

I just hope my kid
doesn't become one.

- Yeah, something
else with all these kids

getting all that education.

Where are the construction
workers of tomorrow

coming from?

(audience laughter)

Like to be, be,
beating the nightstick

As it taps a skull or two

Like the rub-a-dub-dub
of a billy club

We're socking it to you

- This summer the
government stepped

up it's program of
busing schoolchildren

to achieve integration.

This has been met
with varying reactions.

- Sir, how do you
feel about busing

to achieve integration?

- Well missy, I'm against it.

Now look, I'm
all for integration,

but taking a kid across town
when he can go to school

right in his own neighborhood,

well that just don't
seem American,

so I put up my boy
in a private school

over to Magnolia County.

- Magnolia County?

That's a good 60
miles from here,

you drive 120 miles a day?

- No, the boy takes a bus.

(audience laughter)

Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats

We're digging what Spiro says

He's our pres, we're
wearing hardhats now

- During the past months,

the nation's economy
was bolstered by these

reassuring statements.

- As the president's
economic advisor,

what are you going to
do about the apparent

recession that we
are undergoing?

- Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.

Actually, I have
a solution that will

change the trend overnight.

See, things are
looking better already

and they say we don't
have a fun administration.

(audience laughter)

See how that works?

- Dennis, kids say our
traditions are old fashioned.

- (Scoffs) That's dumb.

Traditions have
to be old fashioned,

it's traditional.

The kids we met last summer

Behaved better all winter long

Got my hard hat Got my bread map

All I need now Is the kid

- That's rude and vulgar.

- And this summer in Tijuana,

there was an
electrical blackout.

The trouble was
traced to the power plant

where it was discovered
the burro had died.

(audience laughter)

- Very funny, gringo,
but a word of advice.

If you're going to New York,

don't drink the water.

(audience laughter)

La la la da da da da da da

La la la la da da
da da da Hard hats

They're wearing their hard hats

They're crazy for apple pie

And days gone by

They're wearing hard hats now

Standing on the corner

Giving all the kids a
shot One Two Three

Four - Not all kids are rotten,

my daughter's been
so well behaved,

this Saturday night I'm
gonna let her borrow the truck.

(audience laughter)

Hard hats They're
wearing their hard hats

Their weary old mixed up views

To heck with truth
Bring back swing

Songs by Bing On
track And looking back

So wow Wow wow With hard hats

We're wearing our hard hats

We're wearing our
heavy hard hats now

(audience applause)

Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats

So bring back the
Model T And Pinky Lee

We're wearing hard hats now

- Women's liberation
gained momentum.

(bells jingling)

- Ha ha, there you go, girls.

(girls laughing)

Run along.

Y'all come back now, y'hear.

(audience laughter)

- Many college
commencements last June

were marked by demonstrations.

We abhor this kind of
unseemly behavior in

roves of academe, however,

Laugh-In went to one graduation

that went off without incident.

We go now to the
Meat Cutters Institute

and guest speaker,
Master Butcher,

Herman "Thumbs" Rush.

- Dean, members of the faculty

and butchers of the future,

I am very much
honored to be here

to address you and present
your awards and diplomas.

Now you young men
are about to embark

on a world where
it's dog eat dog,

which brings me
to my text topic.

Where is the meat of
tomorrow coming from?

(audience laughter)

Now a lot of you didn't think

you were just gonna make it.

You just stood around,

waiting for the
axe to fall (laughs).

Play on words there

and now you are
ready to take your place

as the butchers of America,

but before you do,

I would like very much
to make these few

special awards.

The Oscar Mayer
Ingenuity Award for Ingenuity

is given to Billy Wilder

who, while blindfolded, put
an entire cow back together

in three minutes flat.

(audience laughter)

The Creative Expression
Award goes to James A. Aubrey

who made a life-sized
statue of Ralph Nader

out of stale hamburgers.

(audience laughter)

Now will the graduates
please come forward

for your diplomas.

Now remember as you stride
forth into the supermarkets

of your dreams,

I want you to remember the
slogan of your alma mater,

The Meat Cutters Institute,

keep your nose
to the grindstone,

your shoulder to the wheel

and your thumb on the scales.

(audience laughter)

(knife thuds)

- Would you make mine lean?

The next piece.

(audience laughter)

Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats

We're wearing
our heavy hard hats

Da da da da da da da da

Wearing our hard hats now

(audience applause)

- Well that about
wraps up the most

important developments
of the past summer.

- And a good job too,

except you omitted
some of the biggest

stories in the
history of journalism.

- Oh, I don't think we
overlooked anything

that momentous.

- Yeah, how about the
political situation in Holland?

- In Holland?

- Yeah, did you know that
seven members of the Nudist

Party got elected
to the legislature?

- I had no idea.

- Huh, well I had, in
fact, several, ho, ho, ho,

I can picture them now,

sitting in the parliament
wearing their bumper stickers.

(audience laughter)

- Why would they
wear bumper stickers?

- Well, there ain't
much place to

pin a campaign button.

(audience laughter)

- I get the point,

it's sort of a play on words.

- Also, you didn't say a word

about the big pornography
fair in Denmark.

- They had a pornography
fair in Denmark?

- Right in the same
place where they

turned a man into a lady.

- They had a pornography fair

and they turned
a man into a lady?

- That's right, Denmark giveth

and Denmark taketh away.

(audience laughter)

- It was just
impossible to present

every single story that happens.

- I suppose that's true,

it's like the couple said
in the king-sized bed

with the twin-sized blanket.

- I don't particularly
look forward to this,

but what did they say?

- Well, you can't
cover everything.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

(humorous music)

(trombone squeaks)

(car tires squeal)

- Have I ever
told you you're the

most beautiful
woman in the world?

- No.

- Well, thank
heavens I've still got

a shred of integrity left.

- (Laughs) I'll drink to that.

(audience laughter)

Another bottle of your
finest, my good man.

- Your finest.

Ah-hah.

- Be 89 cents, buddy.

- Isn't that a little bit steep?

- 79 cents is tax.

- Oh, gee, yeah, it's just
like gasoline (laughs).

- No, gasoline is smoother.

(audience laughter)

- Hey, is she loaded?

- Is she loaded?

Come here and
sneak a peek at stiffy.

(audience laughter)

- It is a little known fact

that William Shakespeare's plays

were interrupted by commercials.

It'll probably stay
a little known fact.

- Oh woe is me,
oh pitiful position,

I am a mess from
stuffed up nose condition.

Oh, cursed ills
of fever and chills,

till I heard the word
about tidy time pills.

I seize the suggestion to
ease my congestion but,

to sneeze or not to
sneeze, that is the question.

- Whether 'tis nobler
to suffer or to buffer

or to stuff her with aspirin,

or is it best to get undressed

and in a tub there to rub
alcohol upon my chest.

- Alcohol, ah, there's the rub,

alas, poor Yorick,
he takes paregoric,

but fair Ophelia
before she's kissed.

She always uses nasal mist.

- But alas, it brought
our romance to a close,

oh wretched fool to
kiss a girl with a plastic

bottle in her nose.

- I took histamine
for my nasal droop,

antihistamine for
my bronchial croup.

I even stooped to chicken soup.

- These travails caused
me serious menace

- till I spoke with the

Merchant of Venice,
he said Hamlet,

when you've got nasal
woes, just take out

your hankie and blow your nose.

- Friends, greater
love can no man show,

now if you'll excuse
us, we've got to blow.

(70's dance music)

- We return you now to
the entertainment portion

of our program.

(patriotic music)

(70's dance music)

- Any new theories
Professor Pavlov?

- Well, I'm glad you
asked me that, little fella.

Yes, I've been teaching my dog

to eat at the sound of a bell.

See, the bell rings
and the dog eats.

- Ah, how's it going?

- Not too good,

yesterday he ate the Avon Lady.

- I do not necessarily agree

that a lot of problems
in modern education

might be solved if teachers
stop striking schools

and went back to
striking students.

- You know, I just
don't understand

today's college students,

the economic situation
or our foreign policy.

You know I think I'm qualified
to run for political office.

(audience laughter)

(70's dance music)

(cart rumbling)

(humorous music)

(siren wailing)

- Hey look, we
gotta do something

to entertain ourselves
here, you know?

- Why don't we play
some basketball?

- How are we gonna do that,

we don't have a ball.

- Alright, we don't have a ball,

let's pretend we got a ball.

Look, here is a ball.

- That is a ball.

Where is the basket?

- What do you mean,
where's the basket?

On the wall where
it's supposed to be,

it's on the wall, that basket.

- Go ahead, you
take the first shot.

- Where's the basket?

Went right in.

- Uh, did you used
to play pro ball?

- Huh?

- Did you used to play pro ball?

- No, no, no,

just a little in
college, that's all.

Here.

Ooh.

Go, go, go, go, baby.

Go, hey, go baby,
go, hey, two points.

- That didn't go
in, it hit the rim.

- Of course it hit the rim,

but it went in the basket.

- It didn't go
in, it hit the rim.

- It went in the basket.

- He's right, it went right in.

- Hey, if you saw it go in,

you better have
your eyes checked.

- It's a technical foul.

Okay, okay, take a free throw.

- You hear what the
ref says, free throw,

technical foul, free
throw, here, hold the ball.

Laces up, laces up.

Where's the basket?

(audience laughter)

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Give me the ball, give
me the ball, laces up,

laces up.

Swish.

- No, no basket.

Stepped across the line.

- Yeah, I saw you too,
you stepped across the line.

- What do you mean I
stepped across the line?

- You stepped across the line.

- How much you paying
the ref to call 'em your way?

- Not as much as you are.

- That's it, I've had it,
both of you, out, out,

get out.

- Now wait a minute,

we had the courts
reserved from 10 to 12.

- I don't care if you
have them all day, out.

- You're a lousy guard.

- Out.

Play ball.

All the news is slanted
Purely propaganda

Tell it like you want it

That's the way it's done

What's our nation's
favorite indoor sport

Analyzing every
mixed-up news report

Watch out for the eyebrow

Careful with inflection

If the news is tasteful
Everything is fine

Until we start
deciphering the clues

La da de da La
da de da Tra la le la

Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news

- Please ladies,
ladies, ladies, cut it, cut.

Ladies and gentlemen here is
Rowan McMarkmac, the news.

- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News

with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin

and Fernando Garcia in Germany,

Hans van Crut in Argentina,

Joseppe Gaioni in TelAviv,

Homongo Umgowa in Greenland

and Nathan Labenowitz
at the Vatican.

- Good evening, this is
Dan Rowan in New York.

- Good evening, Dick
Martin in Washington

and here is tonight's news.

A recent nationwide survey asks,

do you think people
today are unwilling to take

a stand, 5% said no, 10%
said yes, 85% were undecided.

(audience laughter)

- Washington DC, still
on the subject of surveys,

rumor has it that a secret
survey was taken recently

to determine what
public reaction would be

if the 1972 elections
were canceled.

Results showed that
a great many people

were more receptive to
canceling the 1968 election.

(audience laughter)

- Burbank, California,
a mysterious caller

who has been annoying
the night nurse at Burbank

General Hospital by
breathing heavily into the phone

was found to be
the late John Calley,

an asthmatic patient in room 314

of Burbank General Hospital.

(audience laughter)

- And now for this public
service announcement.

- Audrey fools around.

- Chicago, 1990,
twenty years from now,

the increasing
conservative trend towards

stricter law enforcement
was reflected

in the decision handed
down today in the case

of Shreveport Three.

Judge Julius Hoffman,
Jr., sentenced each

of the defendants to 50
years in the electric chair.

(audience laughter)

Back to the news,

President Nixon announced
recently he expected

the nation's economy
would improve

and here for an instant
analysis of that situation

is Eric Clarified, come in Eric.

Well not that way, you
dumb boy, on the screen.

- President Nixon did
recently announce that he

expected the nation's
economy would improve.

Now, what this means is
that if the nation's economy

does improve, President
Nixon did expect it.

Now, the significance of this

is that an improvement
in the nation's economy,

as expected by President Nixon

would definitely bear
out the expectations

of President Nixon.

If there is an improvement
in the nation's economy,

thank you.

- For an instant
analysis of Eric Clarified

we switch you to Chet Humpley.

- The man is an idiot.

(audience laughter)

La da di da Da
da di da Tra la le la

Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news

- (Speaking foreign
language), cut, cut.

That's the end.

(audience applause)

Oh you.

- This is not tasteful.

(70's dance music)

(upbeat humorous music)

- Boy that sun sure
makes a girl tired.

- Yeah, his father's
kind of cute too.

(audience laughter)

- Your soup, sir.

- Thank you.

Oh, ah, waiter, oh,

there's a soup in my fly.

- Oh I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll get it.

- Oh no, thank you.

- [Announcer] Portions
of tonight's show

were brought to you by

Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,

including the new
little carefree car, Pinto

and by new Formica Floor Shine,

it's even harder than
most floors it protects.

- Aw.

- Dick, you wanna
tell the folks who's

gonna be on the show next week?

- Well, next week we're
having a really big name,

Vladimar Dropalotovitch.

(audience laughter)

- That's a big name, who's that?

- Well, he's that
fabulous circus performer

who leaps from a
100 foot platform

into a giant polka dot.

(audience laughter)

- He's not gonna be on the show.

- Oh, well, if he's not
gonna be on the show,

there's a good chance we'll
lose the flying carbuncles too.

- The flying carbuncles?

Another circus act?

- No, they just fly.

- Well, this is
your last chance,

now tell us really, who's gonna
be on the show next week?

- How 'bout Raquel Welch?

- She's gonna be on the show?

- No, but how 'bout her, huh?

(audience laughter)

- I'm not getting
any place with you.

- Funny, that's what
I said to Raquel.

- Will you just forget
about Raquel Welch?

- Forget about who?

- Say goodnight, Dick.

So I said to uh...
(audience laughter)

(ball swishes)

- Goodnight, Dick.

- If all the bathmats
manufactured last year

were laid end to
end, you could walk

from Burbank to San
Francisco soaking wet.

(audience laughter)

- What do you call
an intoxicated midget?

- What's that, Nancy?

- I said, what do you call
an intoxicated midget?

- I call him a little drunk.

(laughter)

- I know one way to
keep America beautiful.

Just take down
all those billboards

that say Keep America Beautiful.

(audience laughter)

- Ms. Millow, I call you miss,

I didn't notice a wedding ring.

I was thinking,

frankly I think
that the no-bra fad

is a tempest in a c cup.

- My psychiatrist told me that I

have caffeinaphobia.

- What's that?

- It's fear of Juan Valdez.

- What are you doing?

- Look at that guy
down there getting

mugged and the crowd's just
standing around watching him.

- The Burbank audience's
are the greatest audiences

in the world.

(siren wails)

(humorous music)

(siren wails)

(trombone plays)

- Hey, tune in next week, folks

when we will introduce
Mervin the Magnificent.

- And you will hear
our special guest

Don Rickles say.

(sound of a gear winding)

(bell dings)

- Mervin, that's magnificent.

- Boys and girls, this week,

give your mom a little
ringy-dingy, I mean it.

- Goodnight America
and goodnight Mr. Agnew.

Remember, wherever you are,

whatever you do,
Mr. Agnew was watching you.

Thank you, Mr. Agnew.

(humorous music)

- Land sakes, now they
got a cockamamie tapper.

I mean, I like Spiro,
he's my kind of fella,

but all that
tupelling, tippelling

and tappelling dancing,

I haven't seen such fancy
footwork since the old days.

There she goes again.

Oh, Land O' Goshen, she's
dancing under my fern (laughs).

What a talented little cookie.

- See you next week, folks.

- That's all folks.

(Porky Pig impression)

(ball thudding)