Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(air raid siren)
- So, we meet again (laughs).
You fools came back.
- Hey, Ralph?
(audience applause)
Hey Ralph, come on upstairs.
Time to watch Laugh-In.
- Norton, are you crazy,
you don't have a set.
- That's the best way
to watch that show.
(audience laughter)
Alright, we'll use your
set, come on, will ya?
Hey Ralph, if you ask
me, I think you've been
out in that Miami
sun a little too long.
- Shut up and turn on the set.
- And now, NBC, loser
of 33 Emmy awards,
presents Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience laughter)
- I do hope this season they
will be tasteful, thank you.
(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- Hold it, hold it down please,
such unrestrained enthusiasm.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It is wonderful to
be back for our fourth
season on Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
- Right and I would just
personally like to say.
- Blah, blah.
(audience laughter)
- That's the
season's first review.
- Right.
- Just a minute, that
was not very interesting,
it was just dumb, loud and dumb.
(squeaking sound)
- Blah, blah!
(audience laughter)
- That's unbeligabulbul, bu, bu,
that's a waste of height.
- Moving right
along with us tonight,
our special guest
star, Art Carney!
(audience applause)
- Hi, I'm Art Carney and I'm
a legend in show business.
(audience laughter)
(playful music)
How long is the camera
gonna stay on me?
(audience laughter)
- Arte Johnson.
- Oh, ri-di-di-dom, if
you were 40 years older,
we'd probably have
a rotten time together.
(audience laughter)
- Ruth Buzzi.
- Men may work from sun to sun,
but women's work is never done.
(audience laughter)
- I just wanna swing.
I'm begging.
- Henry Gibson.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife,
no, no, my
children, just a kiss.
- Alan Sues.
- Back field illegally in
motion (whistle blows),
oh, just makes me a wreck.
I like Brahms and
I like soft music
and little hugs
and little kisses.
I hate my whistle.
- Little Lily Tomlin.
- I'm Suzy Sorority
from the silent majority
and if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.
I'm Suzy Sorority from
the silent majority, rah.
Like Daddy says, if parents
don't know what's best
then the kids are wrong.
I'm Suzy Sorority from
the silent majority, rah.
(audience laughter)
Oh, Mr. Fubuckley,
Mr. Fubuckley,
you'll just love this new girl.
She's our kind of
people, hello, hello?
- And such wonderful
new cuckoos as
Dennis Allen.
(slide whistle blows)
- And another new
goody, our prediction lady,
Nancie Phillips.
- I predict that Jean
Dixon and Chriswell
will be found together
in a motel room
and when the police burst in,
Ms. Dixon and Chriswell
will be heard to say,
"I knew this was
going to happen."
(audience laughter)
- Johnny Brown.
- I ask you not to call me boy.
(water splashes)
- The 10 tapping toes
of Tiny Barbara Sharma.
- I gave up everything
just to appear
on Laugh-In this season
because my president
said, it will help save
our country, I will
serve Mr. President.
(tap shoes clacking)
- And so there you have
some of our regular cast
members and some
of the new cuckoos
you'll come to know and love.
- How can you
talk about the cast
and not mention Walter?
- Well, there's no
Walter on the list.
- Well, Walter's
on my list, look.
- Walter is the only
name on your list.
- Well, when you got a Walter,
you don't need anybody else.
(audience laughter)
- What does Walter do?
- Well, Walter is a
master of disguise.
Come on out, Walter.
- That's Walter?
- Golly gosh, saw right
through the disguise, didn't you?
(audience laughter)
- Now, wait a minute, it
shouldn't be master of disguise.
Walter is obviously a
mistress of disguise.
- Golly gosh, saw right
through it again, didn't you?
(audience laughter)
- Alright you ding-a-ling,
now just what can
Walter do for us?
- Ask not what
Walter can do for us,
ask only what Walter
has done for us.
(audience laughter)
- Hold on now.
- Golly gosh, saw
right through it again.
- We'll be back right after
this important message.
- Ooh, my girdle's killing me.
(audience laughter)
- In order to achieve
perfection in production,
this program was prerecorded
and now, stay
tuned for the rest of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
the program that dares
to ask the question.
- You're gonna have a what?
(audience laughter)
- Okay, cut, that's a
wrap, see you next fall.
(audience laughter)
- [Announcer] Portions
of Rowan & Martin's
Laugh-In are brought
to you by Breck,
makers of all those
beautiful products
for beautiful hair and by Ford
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
(upbeat playful music)
(bell cha-chings)
- Hey, you're gonna be
in for the next four years,
now let's just see
what you're qualified for.
- Well, in civilian
life I was a student.
I have a BA in organic
chemistry and an MA in accounting
and a PhD in
ultra-sonic electronics.
- Good, do you live alone?
- Yes.
- Good, we'll make you a cook.
(audience laughter)
(patriotic music)
- Next,
hello, boy.
What's your background?
- Golly, till Ms. Lake found me
I just stand in
the yard and sing
for the chickens, golly
and I sing to the
cows, golly gee.
- Now, what did
you sing, little fella?
To dream the impossible dream
- Good, do you
have a pilot's license?
- Golly, yes, I do.
- Good, we'll make you a cook.
(audience laughter)
(comedic music)
(siren blaring)
- This is an optical illusion,
now stare intently at
the dot for five seconds.
Now turn your head away,
the dot will
immediately disappear.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- You know, if they
continue with these
communal group marches,
they'll have to give
quantity discount abortions.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- My Daddy's upset.
He says that since
the colored folks
have got the right to vote,
a lot of them think
they got the right to vote.
(audience laughter)
- The studio called today
and wanted me to do a talkie.
I was quite surprised.
I thought I was dead.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- That was one quick party.
Believe me, I know a lot
about quick parties (chuckles).
(typewriter clacking)
- Yes, uh, just uh,
what is your name, sir?
- I'm known as the
Masked Lobster.
(audience laughter)
- Won't you have a seat?
- Thank you, miss.
- Uh, what exactly is it
that you do, Mr. Lobster?
- I pinch out evil.
(audience laughter)
- Pinches out evil, huh,
could you be more explicit?
- Well, you know,
I search out evil
wherever it rears it's ugly head
and then I pinch it.
- Oh, well,
let me look in my file.
I'll see if I have
something for you,
oh, take this form.
- Yes.
- And won't you fill
it out for me please?
- Thank you.
(wood crumbles)
(wood crumbles)
(wood crumbles)
Oh, here's something
I have right here,
it might be up your alley.
How fast do you type?
- Oh, about two or
three words a day.
(audience laughter)
Actually, you see, I
sort of have my heart
set on pinching out evil.
- Well, um, what kind of
salary are you looking for?
- Salary?
The Masked Lobster interested
in monetary reward (laughs),
young lady, you must be
joking, halderall, bushwall.
My very being is dedicated only
to cracking down
wrongdoing and pinching it out.
- Salary open, uh-huh, well,
let me just call up here.
I might have something for you.
- Thank you.
- Hello, this is
House of Careers.
Are you still having
some problem,
(paper crackles)
over at your place with evil?
(wood cracks)
I have a young
man, he's dedicated
to pinching out evil.
(glass breaks)
Excellent, I'll send
him right over.
Are you, good, good, thank you.
Oh, this is terrific.
Now, here's,
they're expecting you
to come right over.
This is the address.
I want you to take it,
try to make a good impression.
(bone cracks)
Ow.
(audience laughter)
Do your best and let
us know what happens.
- You've been most
kind, young lady.
You remind me of
my old Latin teacher.
Goodbye now.
I go now and I am going
to find evil and pinch
the devil out of it.
(audience laughter)
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, pal,
the position has
just been filled.
(audience laughter)
- Don't tell me you
don't believe in free love?
- I don't.
- I told you not to tell me.
(70's dance music)
- And now, chapter one
in the continuing story
of The Four Most People,
Liz, Dick, Jackie, Ari
as we join them, they
are chattering gayly.
- Bored.
- Bored.
- Bored.
- Bored.
- This world is so dull.
Nothing to do.
- Ari, that's a smashing
new car you have.
- I like your new
sports model too.
- Is that all there is?
Cars, cars, cars?
- Why can't we have
any fun for a change?
- Wait a millions,
I've heard of brand new
American game called Swap.
- Swap, how does it work?
- Simple, you take-a
your wife and you throw
her in the middle of the room
and I do the same with Jackie
and then you and
me are blindfolded
and we try to pick at one.
(audience laughter)
- Sounds like fun.
- Oodles.
- What happens next?
- Whichever wife you get,
you're allowed to drive
that person's car home.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- I admit there's a certain
amount of police brutality.
Every week I look at my paycheck
and it's brutal.
(audience laughter)
- Our gang went down
to the lake last night
for a midnight swim
and got busted.
- For nude bathing?
- No, for water pollution.
(audience laughter)
- I believe in visual
aids and education,
however, some
people feel that students
should see their
sex education films
in a drive-in, so in case
they're doing anything wrong,
they can see what
they're doing wrong,
while they're doing it wrong,
but I just don't
understand why you gotta
go to school to
learn how to kiss.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(playful comedic music)
(trombone playing)
- I'm very sorry Mr. Lazar,
to have to tell you this.
You'll just never
make a good mortician.
- Oh, but sir, what
did I do wrong?
- Well, first of all,
we either inter the departed
or we bury them.
We do not plant them.
(audience laughter)
Secondly, when we lower
the remains into the ground,
we don't say, and away we go.
(audience laughter)
But above all, Lazar,
and I cannot stress
this point too strongly,
when we invite the next of kin
to view the remains
of the dear departed,
we don't say, "hey, wanna
sneak a peak at stiffy?"
(audience laughter)
- Woo, gone, my headache's gone.
- You think that's a grabber,
you ought to see
her Flip Wilson.
- I'd rather see
her Pat Buttram.
(audience laughter)
(goofy music)
- (Laughing)
(patriotic music)
- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't
have to say nothing
if I don't want to.
- [Announcer] This
is an optical illusion.
The inside circle is
outside of the outside circle
and vice versa.
(audience laughter)
- You know what I did,
I took my mama's manticure set
and I filed my fingernails
and I buffed my fingernails.
It was real interesting
and I polished my toenails
and now I can't
get my socks off.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- I'm so confused.
My nephew just entered
the theological seminary.
He's majoring in
business administration
and minoring in religion.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- I think pollution of our
streams and waterways
is awful.
It's getting so
a body ain't safe
in the East River no more.
(audience laughter)
- Art, did you hear
the FCC's considering
limiting the network's
control of prime time?
- I'm for anything that'll
cut down on air pollution.
(70's dance music)
- The Population
Song by Henry Gibson,
25% of all the people who
ever lived are alive today.
Babies, babies, babies
Folks keep having babies
Hatchin' gets so catchin'
That we overdo
Every time your pulse beats
Someone has a baby
Sure is gettin' crowded
in the human zoo
I'm not through Babies,
babies every week
A million babies
Ain't it plain
We need a saner point of view
Won't be long before
these babies all have babies
Hope they'll leave some
Standing room for me
and you Almost through
When I was a kid I
heard a silly rumor
Baby boom sell bloomers
make consumers too
Seems inhuman living
strictly for consumin'
Populatin' just for
war and revenue
Now I'm through
(audience applause)
(cart rumbling)
(playful music)
(audience laughter)
(siren wails)
- I remember standing in
front of the White House
thinking, somebody
I'll be there.
- Was that before you were
vice president, Mr. Humphrey?
- No, that was while
I was vice president.
- Hi.
An Indian friend of
mine got yellow jaundice
and turned orange.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(Tyrone mumbling)
- Poo, poo.
- (Gasps)
- Thrilled again, right?
Ah well, I know I'm invincible.
- Oh, how did you
ever find me here?
- All summer I
searched and I left
no stone unturned
when I sensed from afar
you needed me, I flew to
your side on wings of love.
- Oh, Tyrone, I don't need you.
- Oh, come on.
- I don't wanna see you.
- Oh, piddle, piddle.
- I have no time for you.
- Oh, fiddle faddle.
- I'm just a poor, working girl.
- Ha, ha, ha and I have
come to taste the delights
of your tupsickery and talents.
(audience laughter)
How about a mazurka,
alone with me on
the starlit terrace?
Haven't crossed
much of that, have you?
How 'bout a fast fandango
behind my favorite fern?
- (Gasps)
- (Laughs) How about a
two-step to the telephone
to notify my next of kin?
(audience laughter)
I won't dance, don't ask me.
(audience applause)
- You know,
Governor Reagan has been
endorsed by Frank Sinatra
and Dean Martin.
- A drunk and a sex maniac.
- That's a dreadful
thing to say,
all about the
governor of California.
- Not the governor, I was
talking about my first wife.
- Ah (laughs).
- Wha!
- Got you with the
old thumbtack, didn't I?
(laughs)
I know ooh, no
hard feelings, I hope,
(joy buzzer buzzes),
whoa, got you with
the old joy buzzer.
Hey, you got a button missing,
hey, made you
look, made you look,
made you buy a pocketbook.
Hey, wanna smell
my flower, look.
(water squirts)
(audience laughter)
(telephone rings)
Oh, excuse me, phone.
I'll be right back,
don't sit down now.
Yello?
Oh yes, Governor, yes, sir.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,
yes, thank you very
much, Governor.
I'll tell him.
Al?
- Yes.
- Son.
- Yes.
- You've got a reprieve.
- Oh god.
- April fools, April fools!
- Oh no, oh.
- All kidding aside,
you probably wanna
be alone, meditate,
have a few thoughts.
- Uh-Huh.
- I thought maybe you'd
like to look at this good book.
- Thank you very much.
(spring boings)
(audience laughter)
Oh, you're sick, creep, weirdo.
- Ah, listen to me, gloomy Gus,
you sure are a party pooper.
You've sure taken the
fun out of all my day.
(electricity crackles)
- Boo.
(70's dance music)
- You know, our
courts are so far behind
in trying cases that if
you commit a crime,
chances are it'll take
you longer to get into jail
then it will to get out.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- Uh, say, did you
go to Hollywood High?
- No baby, but I
sure was spaced out
when I graduated.
- Last week I found
a great agent and he
signed me to the
standard 10% contract.
That very day he
got me a part for $500
and he gave me my
$50 right on the spot.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- Alright, okay, alright,
quiet on the set, Lester
Maddox Integration commercial
take 68, okay, let's
cue the warden.
(wood clacks)
Warden, ahh, for, ahh.
(70s dance music)
- We'll be right back with
more music and dancing
featuring excerpts
from the new album
Lawrence Welk at
Woodstock after this message.
A one, a two.
(metal clacks)
- Hello, testing, one,
two, three, testing.
- (no audible dialogue)
- (audience laughter)
- And now for these
important words.
(70's dance music)
- The first portion of
this evening's show
was the result of a
combined lack of interest.
- Rah.
(humorous music)
Dancing in the
dark (wood cracks)
(audience laughter)
(patriotic music)
(cart rumbles)
(siren wails)
(audience laughter)
- Well it seems the six
near-sighted topless dancers
were working in a sawmill.
- Now, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
What are you doing?
- The monologue, doesn't
it always come here?
- Well yeah, only you're
doing it without me.
- Well of course, that's
what a monologue is,
one person talking,
from the Latin, mono, one,
logue, talk,
monologue, keep talking.
(audience laughter)
So these near-sighted
topless dancers,
there's six of 'em
were working...
- Wait a minute,
now wait a minute.
Now, I'll admit
that technically,
mono does mean one,
you know, I'm impressed.
Where did you learn Latin?
You've never been
able to stay interested
in on thing for 10 seconds.
- That's not true.
Now, what were we talking about?
- You should have been
talking about our guest tonight,
the well-known
Art Carney, dummy.
- Oh, of course.
That well-known
dummy Art Carney.
(audience laughter)
- You can't call Art Carney
a well-known dummy.
- That little known
dummy Art Carney.
- You dingbat, you
haven't changed a bit
and we don't have time
for these insignificant
jocosities of yours,
tonight, with our guest star,
Art Carney, we are
going to review some of
the important events and
changes that have taken
place in this great country
of ours since last season.
- What changes?
- Are you kidding me,
why there's been enormous
changes this summer.
- Okay, how's the president
been doing since we left?
- Oh, well, about the same.
- Uh-huh, what's the
vice-president been doing?
- Uh, the usual.
- Uh-huh, what's
happening with the war?
- We're still there.
- Well.
- Seems these six
nearsighted topless dancers...
- Hold it, I thought
we were going to do
an in-depth study of
what's been happening
over the summer.
- Hey, that's a good idea.
- Well, alright.
- We'll do an in-depth study
of what's been happening
over the summer.
- During the summer I
was working in a sawmill
with these six nearsighted
topless dancers, gotcha!
(audience laughter)
- Not really, nothing's changed,
with that vital
information Laugh-In now
looks at the events
of last summer.
- Your mustache is on fire.
- There was great
activity in the literary world.
- We're talking with
Dr. David Ruben,
author of the
runaway bestseller,
Everything You've Always
Wanted To Know About Sex,
But Were Afraid To Ask.
Oh, tell me Dr. Ruben,
how in the world
did you ever manage
to compile the enormous
amount of data
contained in your book?
(playful music)
- Meanwhile, back
at the Pentagon.
- Take notes, Whacker.
- Yes, sir.
- Gentleman, as I
understand the plan,
we're gonna go into Cambodia.
- Excuse me, sir.
- That's right, General,
just checking you out.
- Going into
Cambodia on the theory
that by temporarily
widening the war,
we actually will
be shortening it.
This way we can be out
of there in a year's time.
- Well, wait a minute.
If by going into Cambodia,
the war could be over in a year,
why don't we continue west
and also go into
Laos, Burma and India,
that way it could be
over in six months.
- Well, by extending that idea,
if we keep moving west
through Saudi Arabia
and Africa, the war could
be over in three months.
- Why don't we just
keep moving west
till we get to Washington DC,
that way, the war
could be over tomorrow.
- Whacker, you may
be on to something.
- Oh, I hope so.
- In summer concerts
throughout the land,
everyone was tapping
his neighbor to the tune of...
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
With brown shoes
and argyle socks
With Agnew clocks
We're wearing hardhats now
- I have nothing against
young people personally,
I just hope my kid
doesn't become one.
- Yeah, something
else with all these kids
getting all that education.
Where are the construction
workers of tomorrow
coming from?
(audience laughter)
Like to be, be,
beating the nightstick
As it taps a skull or two
Like the rub-a-dub-dub
of a billy club
We're socking it to you
- This summer the
government stepped
up it's program of
busing schoolchildren
to achieve integration.
This has been met
with varying reactions.
- Sir, how do you
feel about busing
to achieve integration?
- Well missy, I'm against it.
Now look, I'm
all for integration,
but taking a kid across town
when he can go to school
right in his own neighborhood,
well that just don't
seem American,
so I put up my boy
in a private school
over to Magnolia County.
- Magnolia County?
That's a good 60
miles from here,
you drive 120 miles a day?
- No, the boy takes a bus.
(audience laughter)
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
We're digging what Spiro says
He's our pres, we're
wearing hardhats now
- During the past months,
the nation's economy
was bolstered by these
reassuring statements.
- As the president's
economic advisor,
what are you going to
do about the apparent
recession that we
are undergoing?
- Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.
Actually, I have
a solution that will
change the trend overnight.
See, things are
looking better already
and they say we don't
have a fun administration.
(audience laughter)
See how that works?
- Dennis, kids say our
traditions are old fashioned.
- (Scoffs) That's dumb.
Traditions have
to be old fashioned,
it's traditional.
The kids we met last summer
Behaved better all winter long
Got my hard hat Got my bread map
All I need now Is the kid
- That's rude and vulgar.
- And this summer in Tijuana,
there was an
electrical blackout.
The trouble was
traced to the power plant
where it was discovered
the burro had died.
(audience laughter)
- Very funny, gringo,
but a word of advice.
If you're going to New York,
don't drink the water.
(audience laughter)
La la la da da da da da da
La la la la da da
da da da Hard hats
They're wearing their hard hats
They're crazy for apple pie
And days gone by
They're wearing hard hats now
Standing on the corner
Giving all the kids a
shot One Two Three
Four - Not all kids are rotten,
my daughter's been
so well behaved,
this Saturday night I'm
gonna let her borrow the truck.
(audience laughter)
Hard hats They're
wearing their hard hats
Their weary old mixed up views
To heck with truth
Bring back swing
Songs by Bing On
track And looking back
So wow Wow wow With hard hats
We're wearing our hard hats
We're wearing our
heavy hard hats now
(audience applause)
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
So bring back the
Model T And Pinky Lee
We're wearing hard hats now
- Women's liberation
gained momentum.
(bells jingling)
- Ha ha, there you go, girls.
(girls laughing)
Run along.
Y'all come back now, y'hear.
(audience laughter)
- Many college
commencements last June
were marked by demonstrations.
We abhor this kind of
unseemly behavior in
roves of academe, however,
Laugh-In went to one graduation
that went off without incident.
We go now to the
Meat Cutters Institute
and guest speaker,
Master Butcher,
Herman "Thumbs" Rush.
- Dean, members of the faculty
and butchers of the future,
I am very much
honored to be here
to address you and present
your awards and diplomas.
Now you young men
are about to embark
on a world where
it's dog eat dog,
which brings me
to my text topic.
Where is the meat of
tomorrow coming from?
(audience laughter)
Now a lot of you didn't think
you were just gonna make it.
You just stood around,
waiting for the
axe to fall (laughs).
Play on words there
and now you are
ready to take your place
as the butchers of America,
but before you do,
I would like very much
to make these few
special awards.
The Oscar Mayer
Ingenuity Award for Ingenuity
is given to Billy Wilder
who, while blindfolded, put
an entire cow back together
in three minutes flat.
(audience laughter)
The Creative Expression
Award goes to James A. Aubrey
who made a life-sized
statue of Ralph Nader
out of stale hamburgers.
(audience laughter)
Now will the graduates
please come forward
for your diplomas.
Now remember as you stride
forth into the supermarkets
of your dreams,
I want you to remember the
slogan of your alma mater,
The Meat Cutters Institute,
keep your nose
to the grindstone,
your shoulder to the wheel
and your thumb on the scales.
(audience laughter)
(knife thuds)
- Would you make mine lean?
The next piece.
(audience laughter)
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
We're wearing
our heavy hard hats
Da da da da da da da da
Wearing our hard hats now
(audience applause)
- Well that about
wraps up the most
important developments
of the past summer.
- And a good job too,
except you omitted
some of the biggest
stories in the
history of journalism.
- Oh, I don't think we
overlooked anything
that momentous.
- Yeah, how about the
political situation in Holland?
- In Holland?
- Yeah, did you know that
seven members of the Nudist
Party got elected
to the legislature?
- I had no idea.
- Huh, well I had, in
fact, several, ho, ho, ho,
I can picture them now,
sitting in the parliament
wearing their bumper stickers.
(audience laughter)
- Why would they
wear bumper stickers?
- Well, there ain't
much place to
pin a campaign button.
(audience laughter)
- I get the point,
it's sort of a play on words.
- Also, you didn't say a word
about the big pornography
fair in Denmark.
- They had a pornography
fair in Denmark?
- Right in the same
place where they
turned a man into a lady.
- They had a pornography fair
and they turned
a man into a lady?
- That's right, Denmark giveth
and Denmark taketh away.
(audience laughter)
- It was just
impossible to present
every single story that happens.
- I suppose that's true,
it's like the couple said
in the king-sized bed
with the twin-sized blanket.
- I don't particularly
look forward to this,
but what did they say?
- Well, you can't
cover everything.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(humorous music)
(trombone squeaks)
(car tires squeal)
- Have I ever
told you you're the
most beautiful
woman in the world?
- No.
- Well, thank
heavens I've still got
a shred of integrity left.
- (Laughs) I'll drink to that.
(audience laughter)
Another bottle of your
finest, my good man.
- Your finest.
Ah-hah.
- Be 89 cents, buddy.
- Isn't that a little bit steep?
- 79 cents is tax.
- Oh, gee, yeah, it's just
like gasoline (laughs).
- No, gasoline is smoother.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, is she loaded?
- Is she loaded?
Come here and
sneak a peek at stiffy.
(audience laughter)
- It is a little known fact
that William Shakespeare's plays
were interrupted by commercials.
It'll probably stay
a little known fact.
- Oh woe is me,
oh pitiful position,
I am a mess from
stuffed up nose condition.
Oh, cursed ills
of fever and chills,
till I heard the word
about tidy time pills.
I seize the suggestion to
ease my congestion but,
to sneeze or not to
sneeze, that is the question.
- Whether 'tis nobler
to suffer or to buffer
or to stuff her with aspirin,
or is it best to get undressed
and in a tub there to rub
alcohol upon my chest.
- Alcohol, ah, there's the rub,
alas, poor Yorick,
he takes paregoric,
but fair Ophelia
before she's kissed.
She always uses nasal mist.
- But alas, it brought
our romance to a close,
oh wretched fool to
kiss a girl with a plastic
bottle in her nose.
- I took histamine
for my nasal droop,
antihistamine for
my bronchial croup.
I even stooped to chicken soup.
- These travails caused
me serious menace
- till I spoke with the
Merchant of Venice,
he said Hamlet,
when you've got nasal
woes, just take out
your hankie and blow your nose.
- Friends, greater
love can no man show,
now if you'll excuse
us, we've got to blow.
(70's dance music)
- We return you now to
the entertainment portion
of our program.
(patriotic music)
(70's dance music)
- Any new theories
Professor Pavlov?
- Well, I'm glad you
asked me that, little fella.
Yes, I've been teaching my dog
to eat at the sound of a bell.
See, the bell rings
and the dog eats.
- Ah, how's it going?
- Not too good,
yesterday he ate the Avon Lady.
- I do not necessarily agree
that a lot of problems
in modern education
might be solved if teachers
stop striking schools
and went back to
striking students.
- You know, I just
don't understand
today's college students,
the economic situation
or our foreign policy.
You know I think I'm qualified
to run for political office.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(cart rumbling)
(humorous music)
(siren wailing)
- Hey look, we
gotta do something
to entertain ourselves
here, you know?
- Why don't we play
some basketball?
- How are we gonna do that,
we don't have a ball.
- Alright, we don't have a ball,
let's pretend we got a ball.
Look, here is a ball.
- That is a ball.
Where is the basket?
- What do you mean,
where's the basket?
On the wall where
it's supposed to be,
it's on the wall, that basket.
- Go ahead, you
take the first shot.
- Where's the basket?
Went right in.
- Uh, did you used
to play pro ball?
- Huh?
- Did you used to play pro ball?
- No, no, no,
just a little in
college, that's all.
Here.
Ooh.
Go, go, go, go, baby.
Go, hey, go baby,
go, hey, two points.
- That didn't go
in, it hit the rim.
- Of course it hit the rim,
but it went in the basket.
- It didn't go
in, it hit the rim.
- It went in the basket.
- He's right, it went right in.
- Hey, if you saw it go in,
you better have
your eyes checked.
- It's a technical foul.
Okay, okay, take a free throw.
- You hear what the
ref says, free throw,
technical foul, free
throw, here, hold the ball.
Laces up, laces up.
Where's the basket?
(audience laughter)
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Give me the ball, give
me the ball, laces up,
laces up.
Swish.
- No, no basket.
Stepped across the line.
- Yeah, I saw you too,
you stepped across the line.
- What do you mean I
stepped across the line?
- You stepped across the line.
- How much you paying
the ref to call 'em your way?
- Not as much as you are.
- That's it, I've had it,
both of you, out, out,
get out.
- Now wait a minute,
we had the courts
reserved from 10 to 12.
- I don't care if you
have them all day, out.
- You're a lousy guard.
- Out.
Play ball.
All the news is slanted
Purely propaganda
Tell it like you want it
That's the way it's done
What's our nation's
favorite indoor sport
Analyzing every
mixed-up news report
Watch out for the eyebrow
Careful with inflection
If the news is tasteful
Everything is fine
Until we start
deciphering the clues
La da de da La
da de da Tra la le la
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- Please ladies,
ladies, ladies, cut it, cut.
Ladies and gentlemen here is
Rowan McMarkmac, the news.
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
and Fernando Garcia in Germany,
Hans van Crut in Argentina,
Joseppe Gaioni in TelAviv,
Homongo Umgowa in Greenland
and Nathan Labenowitz
at the Vatican.
- Good evening, this is
Dan Rowan in New York.
- Good evening, Dick
Martin in Washington
and here is tonight's news.
A recent nationwide survey asks,
do you think people
today are unwilling to take
a stand, 5% said no, 10%
said yes, 85% were undecided.
(audience laughter)
- Washington DC, still
on the subject of surveys,
rumor has it that a secret
survey was taken recently
to determine what
public reaction would be
if the 1972 elections
were canceled.
Results showed that
a great many people
were more receptive to
canceling the 1968 election.
(audience laughter)
- Burbank, California,
a mysterious caller
who has been annoying
the night nurse at Burbank
General Hospital by
breathing heavily into the phone
was found to be
the late John Calley,
an asthmatic patient in room 314
of Burbank General Hospital.
(audience laughter)
- And now for this public
service announcement.
- Audrey fools around.
- Chicago, 1990,
twenty years from now,
the increasing
conservative trend towards
stricter law enforcement
was reflected
in the decision handed
down today in the case
of Shreveport Three.
Judge Julius Hoffman,
Jr., sentenced each
of the defendants to 50
years in the electric chair.
(audience laughter)
Back to the news,
President Nixon announced
recently he expected
the nation's economy
would improve
and here for an instant
analysis of that situation
is Eric Clarified, come in Eric.
Well not that way, you
dumb boy, on the screen.
- President Nixon did
recently announce that he
expected the nation's
economy would improve.
Now, what this means is
that if the nation's economy
does improve, President
Nixon did expect it.
Now, the significance of this
is that an improvement
in the nation's economy,
as expected by President Nixon
would definitely bear
out the expectations
of President Nixon.
If there is an improvement
in the nation's economy,
thank you.
- For an instant
analysis of Eric Clarified
we switch you to Chet Humpley.
- The man is an idiot.
(audience laughter)
La da di da Da
da di da Tra la le la
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- (Speaking foreign
language), cut, cut.
That's the end.
(audience applause)
Oh you.
- This is not tasteful.
(70's dance music)
(upbeat humorous music)
- Boy that sun sure
makes a girl tired.
- Yeah, his father's
kind of cute too.
(audience laughter)
- Your soup, sir.
- Thank you.
Oh, ah, waiter, oh,
there's a soup in my fly.
- Oh I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll get it.
- Oh no, thank you.
- [Announcer] Portions
of tonight's show
were brought to you by
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto
and by new Formica Floor Shine,
it's even harder than
most floors it protects.
- Aw.
- Dick, you wanna
tell the folks who's
gonna be on the show next week?
- Well, next week we're
having a really big name,
Vladimar Dropalotovitch.
(audience laughter)
- That's a big name, who's that?
- Well, he's that
fabulous circus performer
who leaps from a
100 foot platform
into a giant polka dot.
(audience laughter)
- He's not gonna be on the show.
- Oh, well, if he's not
gonna be on the show,
there's a good chance we'll
lose the flying carbuncles too.
- The flying carbuncles?
Another circus act?
- No, they just fly.
- Well, this is
your last chance,
now tell us really, who's gonna
be on the show next week?
- How 'bout Raquel Welch?
- She's gonna be on the show?
- No, but how 'bout her, huh?
(audience laughter)
- I'm not getting
any place with you.
- Funny, that's what
I said to Raquel.
- Will you just forget
about Raquel Welch?
- Forget about who?
- Say goodnight, Dick.
So I said to uh...
(audience laughter)
(ball swishes)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- If all the bathmats
manufactured last year
were laid end to
end, you could walk
from Burbank to San
Francisco soaking wet.
(audience laughter)
- What do you call
an intoxicated midget?
- What's that, Nancy?
- I said, what do you call
an intoxicated midget?
- I call him a little drunk.
(laughter)
- I know one way to
keep America beautiful.
Just take down
all those billboards
that say Keep America Beautiful.
(audience laughter)
- Ms. Millow, I call you miss,
I didn't notice a wedding ring.
I was thinking,
frankly I think
that the no-bra fad
is a tempest in a c cup.
- My psychiatrist told me that I
have caffeinaphobia.
- What's that?
- It's fear of Juan Valdez.
- What are you doing?
- Look at that guy
down there getting
mugged and the crowd's just
standing around watching him.
- The Burbank audience's
are the greatest audiences
in the world.
(siren wails)
(humorous music)
(siren wails)
(trombone plays)
- Hey, tune in next week, folks
when we will introduce
Mervin the Magnificent.
- And you will hear
our special guest
Don Rickles say.
(sound of a gear winding)
(bell dings)
- Mervin, that's magnificent.
- Boys and girls, this week,
give your mom a little
ringy-dingy, I mean it.
- Goodnight America
and goodnight Mr. Agnew.
Remember, wherever you are,
whatever you do,
Mr. Agnew was watching you.
Thank you, Mr. Agnew.
(humorous music)
- Land sakes, now they
got a cockamamie tapper.
I mean, I like Spiro,
he's my kind of fella,
but all that
tupelling, tippelling
and tappelling dancing,
I haven't seen such fancy
footwork since the old days.
There she goes again.
Oh, Land O' Goshen, she's
dancing under my fern (laughs).
What a talented little cookie.
- See you next week, folks.
- That's all folks.
(Porky Pig impression)
(ball thudding)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(air raid siren)
- So, we meet again (laughs).
You fools came back.
- Hey, Ralph?
(audience applause)
Hey Ralph, come on upstairs.
Time to watch Laugh-In.
- Norton, are you crazy,
you don't have a set.
- That's the best way
to watch that show.
(audience laughter)
Alright, we'll use your
set, come on, will ya?
Hey Ralph, if you ask
me, I think you've been
out in that Miami
sun a little too long.
- Shut up and turn on the set.
- And now, NBC, loser
of 33 Emmy awards,
presents Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan
and the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience laughter)
- I do hope this season they
will be tasteful, thank you.
(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- Hold it, hold it down please,
such unrestrained enthusiasm.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It is wonderful to
be back for our fourth
season on Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
- Right and I would just
personally like to say.
- Blah, blah.
(audience laughter)
- That's the
season's first review.
- Right.
- Just a minute, that
was not very interesting,
it was just dumb, loud and dumb.
(squeaking sound)
- Blah, blah!
(audience laughter)
- That's unbeligabulbul, bu, bu,
that's a waste of height.
- Moving right
along with us tonight,
our special guest
star, Art Carney!
(audience applause)
- Hi, I'm Art Carney and I'm
a legend in show business.
(audience laughter)
(playful music)
How long is the camera
gonna stay on me?
(audience laughter)
- Arte Johnson.
- Oh, ri-di-di-dom, if
you were 40 years older,
we'd probably have
a rotten time together.
(audience laughter)
- Ruth Buzzi.
- Men may work from sun to sun,
but women's work is never done.
(audience laughter)
- I just wanna swing.
I'm begging.
- Henry Gibson.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife,
no, no, my
children, just a kiss.
- Alan Sues.
- Back field illegally in
motion (whistle blows),
oh, just makes me a wreck.
I like Brahms and
I like soft music
and little hugs
and little kisses.
I hate my whistle.
- Little Lily Tomlin.
- I'm Suzy Sorority
from the silent majority
and if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.
I'm Suzy Sorority from
the silent majority, rah.
Like Daddy says, if parents
don't know what's best
then the kids are wrong.
I'm Suzy Sorority from
the silent majority, rah.
(audience laughter)
Oh, Mr. Fubuckley,
Mr. Fubuckley,
you'll just love this new girl.
She's our kind of
people, hello, hello?
- And such wonderful
new cuckoos as
Dennis Allen.
(slide whistle blows)
- And another new
goody, our prediction lady,
Nancie Phillips.
- I predict that Jean
Dixon and Chriswell
will be found together
in a motel room
and when the police burst in,
Ms. Dixon and Chriswell
will be heard to say,
"I knew this was
going to happen."
(audience laughter)
- Johnny Brown.
- I ask you not to call me boy.
(water splashes)
- The 10 tapping toes
of Tiny Barbara Sharma.
- I gave up everything
just to appear
on Laugh-In this season
because my president
said, it will help save
our country, I will
serve Mr. President.
(tap shoes clacking)
- And so there you have
some of our regular cast
members and some
of the new cuckoos
you'll come to know and love.
- How can you
talk about the cast
and not mention Walter?
- Well, there's no
Walter on the list.
- Well, Walter's
on my list, look.
- Walter is the only
name on your list.
- Well, when you got a Walter,
you don't need anybody else.
(audience laughter)
- What does Walter do?
- Well, Walter is a
master of disguise.
Come on out, Walter.
- That's Walter?
- Golly gosh, saw right
through the disguise, didn't you?
(audience laughter)
- Now, wait a minute, it
shouldn't be master of disguise.
Walter is obviously a
mistress of disguise.
- Golly gosh, saw right
through it again, didn't you?
(audience laughter)
- Alright you ding-a-ling,
now just what can
Walter do for us?
- Ask not what
Walter can do for us,
ask only what Walter
has done for us.
(audience laughter)
- Hold on now.
- Golly gosh, saw
right through it again.
- We'll be back right after
this important message.
- Ooh, my girdle's killing me.
(audience laughter)
- In order to achieve
perfection in production,
this program was prerecorded
and now, stay
tuned for the rest of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
the program that dares
to ask the question.
- You're gonna have a what?
(audience laughter)
- Okay, cut, that's a
wrap, see you next fall.
(audience laughter)
- [Announcer] Portions
of Rowan & Martin's
Laugh-In are brought
to you by Breck,
makers of all those
beautiful products
for beautiful hair and by Ford
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
(upbeat playful music)
(bell cha-chings)
- Hey, you're gonna be
in for the next four years,
now let's just see
what you're qualified for.
- Well, in civilian
life I was a student.
I have a BA in organic
chemistry and an MA in accounting
and a PhD in
ultra-sonic electronics.
- Good, do you live alone?
- Yes.
- Good, we'll make you a cook.
(audience laughter)
(patriotic music)
- Next,
hello, boy.
What's your background?
- Golly, till Ms. Lake found me
I just stand in
the yard and sing
for the chickens, golly
and I sing to the
cows, golly gee.
- Now, what did
you sing, little fella?
To dream the impossible dream
- Good, do you
have a pilot's license?
- Golly, yes, I do.
- Good, we'll make you a cook.
(audience laughter)
(comedic music)
(siren blaring)
- This is an optical illusion,
now stare intently at
the dot for five seconds.
Now turn your head away,
the dot will
immediately disappear.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- You know, if they
continue with these
communal group marches,
they'll have to give
quantity discount abortions.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- My Daddy's upset.
He says that since
the colored folks
have got the right to vote,
a lot of them think
they got the right to vote.
(audience laughter)
- The studio called today
and wanted me to do a talkie.
I was quite surprised.
I thought I was dead.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- That was one quick party.
Believe me, I know a lot
about quick parties (chuckles).
(typewriter clacking)
- Yes, uh, just uh,
what is your name, sir?
- I'm known as the
Masked Lobster.
(audience laughter)
- Won't you have a seat?
- Thank you, miss.
- Uh, what exactly is it
that you do, Mr. Lobster?
- I pinch out evil.
(audience laughter)
- Pinches out evil, huh,
could you be more explicit?
- Well, you know,
I search out evil
wherever it rears it's ugly head
and then I pinch it.
- Oh, well,
let me look in my file.
I'll see if I have
something for you,
oh, take this form.
- Yes.
- And won't you fill
it out for me please?
- Thank you.
(wood crumbles)
(wood crumbles)
(wood crumbles)
Oh, here's something
I have right here,
it might be up your alley.
How fast do you type?
- Oh, about two or
three words a day.
(audience laughter)
Actually, you see, I
sort of have my heart
set on pinching out evil.
- Well, um, what kind of
salary are you looking for?
- Salary?
The Masked Lobster interested
in monetary reward (laughs),
young lady, you must be
joking, halderall, bushwall.
My very being is dedicated only
to cracking down
wrongdoing and pinching it out.
- Salary open, uh-huh, well,
let me just call up here.
I might have something for you.
- Thank you.
- Hello, this is
House of Careers.
Are you still having
some problem,
(paper crackles)
over at your place with evil?
(wood cracks)
I have a young
man, he's dedicated
to pinching out evil.
(glass breaks)
Excellent, I'll send
him right over.
Are you, good, good, thank you.
Oh, this is terrific.
Now, here's,
they're expecting you
to come right over.
This is the address.
I want you to take it,
try to make a good impression.
(bone cracks)
Ow.
(audience laughter)
Do your best and let
us know what happens.
- You've been most
kind, young lady.
You remind me of
my old Latin teacher.
Goodbye now.
I go now and I am going
to find evil and pinch
the devil out of it.
(audience laughter)
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, pal,
the position has
just been filled.
(audience laughter)
- Don't tell me you
don't believe in free love?
- I don't.
- I told you not to tell me.
(70's dance music)
- And now, chapter one
in the continuing story
of The Four Most People,
Liz, Dick, Jackie, Ari
as we join them, they
are chattering gayly.
- Bored.
- Bored.
- Bored.
- Bored.
- This world is so dull.
Nothing to do.
- Ari, that's a smashing
new car you have.
- I like your new
sports model too.
- Is that all there is?
Cars, cars, cars?
- Why can't we have
any fun for a change?
- Wait a millions,
I've heard of brand new
American game called Swap.
- Swap, how does it work?
- Simple, you take-a
your wife and you throw
her in the middle of the room
and I do the same with Jackie
and then you and
me are blindfolded
and we try to pick at one.
(audience laughter)
- Sounds like fun.
- Oodles.
- What happens next?
- Whichever wife you get,
you're allowed to drive
that person's car home.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- I admit there's a certain
amount of police brutality.
Every week I look at my paycheck
and it's brutal.
(audience laughter)
- Our gang went down
to the lake last night
for a midnight swim
and got busted.
- For nude bathing?
- No, for water pollution.
(audience laughter)
- I believe in visual
aids and education,
however, some
people feel that students
should see their
sex education films
in a drive-in, so in case
they're doing anything wrong,
they can see what
they're doing wrong,
while they're doing it wrong,
but I just don't
understand why you gotta
go to school to
learn how to kiss.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(playful comedic music)
(trombone playing)
- I'm very sorry Mr. Lazar,
to have to tell you this.
You'll just never
make a good mortician.
- Oh, but sir, what
did I do wrong?
- Well, first of all,
we either inter the departed
or we bury them.
We do not plant them.
(audience laughter)
Secondly, when we lower
the remains into the ground,
we don't say, and away we go.
(audience laughter)
But above all, Lazar,
and I cannot stress
this point too strongly,
when we invite the next of kin
to view the remains
of the dear departed,
we don't say, "hey, wanna
sneak a peak at stiffy?"
(audience laughter)
- Woo, gone, my headache's gone.
- You think that's a grabber,
you ought to see
her Flip Wilson.
- I'd rather see
her Pat Buttram.
(audience laughter)
(goofy music)
- (Laughing)
(patriotic music)
- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't
have to say nothing
if I don't want to.
- [Announcer] This
is an optical illusion.
The inside circle is
outside of the outside circle
and vice versa.
(audience laughter)
- You know what I did,
I took my mama's manticure set
and I filed my fingernails
and I buffed my fingernails.
It was real interesting
and I polished my toenails
and now I can't
get my socks off.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- I'm so confused.
My nephew just entered
the theological seminary.
He's majoring in
business administration
and minoring in religion.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- I think pollution of our
streams and waterways
is awful.
It's getting so
a body ain't safe
in the East River no more.
(audience laughter)
- Art, did you hear
the FCC's considering
limiting the network's
control of prime time?
- I'm for anything that'll
cut down on air pollution.
(70's dance music)
- The Population
Song by Henry Gibson,
25% of all the people who
ever lived are alive today.
Babies, babies, babies
Folks keep having babies
Hatchin' gets so catchin'
That we overdo
Every time your pulse beats
Someone has a baby
Sure is gettin' crowded
in the human zoo
I'm not through Babies,
babies every week
A million babies
Ain't it plain
We need a saner point of view
Won't be long before
these babies all have babies
Hope they'll leave some
Standing room for me
and you Almost through
When I was a kid I
heard a silly rumor
Baby boom sell bloomers
make consumers too
Seems inhuman living
strictly for consumin'
Populatin' just for
war and revenue
Now I'm through
(audience applause)
(cart rumbling)
(playful music)
(audience laughter)
(siren wails)
- I remember standing in
front of the White House
thinking, somebody
I'll be there.
- Was that before you were
vice president, Mr. Humphrey?
- No, that was while
I was vice president.
- Hi.
An Indian friend of
mine got yellow jaundice
and turned orange.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(Tyrone mumbling)
- Poo, poo.
- (Gasps)
- Thrilled again, right?
Ah well, I know I'm invincible.
- Oh, how did you
ever find me here?
- All summer I
searched and I left
no stone unturned
when I sensed from afar
you needed me, I flew to
your side on wings of love.
- Oh, Tyrone, I don't need you.
- Oh, come on.
- I don't wanna see you.
- Oh, piddle, piddle.
- I have no time for you.
- Oh, fiddle faddle.
- I'm just a poor, working girl.
- Ha, ha, ha and I have
come to taste the delights
of your tupsickery and talents.
(audience laughter)
How about a mazurka,
alone with me on
the starlit terrace?
Haven't crossed
much of that, have you?
How 'bout a fast fandango
behind my favorite fern?
- (Gasps)
- (Laughs) How about a
two-step to the telephone
to notify my next of kin?
(audience laughter)
I won't dance, don't ask me.
(audience applause)
- You know,
Governor Reagan has been
endorsed by Frank Sinatra
and Dean Martin.
- A drunk and a sex maniac.
- That's a dreadful
thing to say,
all about the
governor of California.
- Not the governor, I was
talking about my first wife.
- Ah (laughs).
- Wha!
- Got you with the
old thumbtack, didn't I?
(laughs)
I know ooh, no
hard feelings, I hope,
(joy buzzer buzzes),
whoa, got you with
the old joy buzzer.
Hey, you got a button missing,
hey, made you
look, made you look,
made you buy a pocketbook.
Hey, wanna smell
my flower, look.
(water squirts)
(audience laughter)
(telephone rings)
Oh, excuse me, phone.
I'll be right back,
don't sit down now.
Yello?
Oh yes, Governor, yes, sir.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,
yes, thank you very
much, Governor.
I'll tell him.
Al?
- Yes.
- Son.
- Yes.
- You've got a reprieve.
- Oh god.
- April fools, April fools!
- Oh no, oh.
- All kidding aside,
you probably wanna
be alone, meditate,
have a few thoughts.
- Uh-Huh.
- I thought maybe you'd
like to look at this good book.
- Thank you very much.
(spring boings)
(audience laughter)
Oh, you're sick, creep, weirdo.
- Ah, listen to me, gloomy Gus,
you sure are a party pooper.
You've sure taken the
fun out of all my day.
(electricity crackles)
- Boo.
(70's dance music)
- You know, our
courts are so far behind
in trying cases that if
you commit a crime,
chances are it'll take
you longer to get into jail
then it will to get out.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- Uh, say, did you
go to Hollywood High?
- No baby, but I
sure was spaced out
when I graduated.
- Last week I found
a great agent and he
signed me to the
standard 10% contract.
That very day he
got me a part for $500
and he gave me my
$50 right on the spot.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
- Alright, okay, alright,
quiet on the set, Lester
Maddox Integration commercial
take 68, okay, let's
cue the warden.
(wood clacks)
Warden, ahh, for, ahh.
(70s dance music)
- We'll be right back with
more music and dancing
featuring excerpts
from the new album
Lawrence Welk at
Woodstock after this message.
A one, a two.
(metal clacks)
- Hello, testing, one,
two, three, testing.
- (no audible dialogue)
- (audience laughter)
- And now for these
important words.
(70's dance music)
- The first portion of
this evening's show
was the result of a
combined lack of interest.
- Rah.
(humorous music)
Dancing in the
dark (wood cracks)
(audience laughter)
(patriotic music)
(cart rumbles)
(siren wails)
(audience laughter)
- Well it seems the six
near-sighted topless dancers
were working in a sawmill.
- Now, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
What are you doing?
- The monologue, doesn't
it always come here?
- Well yeah, only you're
doing it without me.
- Well of course, that's
what a monologue is,
one person talking,
from the Latin, mono, one,
logue, talk,
monologue, keep talking.
(audience laughter)
So these near-sighted
topless dancers,
there's six of 'em
were working...
- Wait a minute,
now wait a minute.
Now, I'll admit
that technically,
mono does mean one,
you know, I'm impressed.
Where did you learn Latin?
You've never been
able to stay interested
in on thing for 10 seconds.
- That's not true.
Now, what were we talking about?
- You should have been
talking about our guest tonight,
the well-known
Art Carney, dummy.
- Oh, of course.
That well-known
dummy Art Carney.
(audience laughter)
- You can't call Art Carney
a well-known dummy.
- That little known
dummy Art Carney.
- You dingbat, you
haven't changed a bit
and we don't have time
for these insignificant
jocosities of yours,
tonight, with our guest star,
Art Carney, we are
going to review some of
the important events and
changes that have taken
place in this great country
of ours since last season.
- What changes?
- Are you kidding me,
why there's been enormous
changes this summer.
- Okay, how's the president
been doing since we left?
- Oh, well, about the same.
- Uh-huh, what's the
vice-president been doing?
- Uh, the usual.
- Uh-huh, what's
happening with the war?
- We're still there.
- Well.
- Seems these six
nearsighted topless dancers...
- Hold it, I thought
we were going to do
an in-depth study of
what's been happening
over the summer.
- Hey, that's a good idea.
- Well, alright.
- We'll do an in-depth study
of what's been happening
over the summer.
- During the summer I
was working in a sawmill
with these six nearsighted
topless dancers, gotcha!
(audience laughter)
- Not really, nothing's changed,
with that vital
information Laugh-In now
looks at the events
of last summer.
- Your mustache is on fire.
- There was great
activity in the literary world.
- We're talking with
Dr. David Ruben,
author of the
runaway bestseller,
Everything You've Always
Wanted To Know About Sex,
But Were Afraid To Ask.
Oh, tell me Dr. Ruben,
how in the world
did you ever manage
to compile the enormous
amount of data
contained in your book?
(playful music)
- Meanwhile, back
at the Pentagon.
- Take notes, Whacker.
- Yes, sir.
- Gentleman, as I
understand the plan,
we're gonna go into Cambodia.
- Excuse me, sir.
- That's right, General,
just checking you out.
- Going into
Cambodia on the theory
that by temporarily
widening the war,
we actually will
be shortening it.
This way we can be out
of there in a year's time.
- Well, wait a minute.
If by going into Cambodia,
the war could be over in a year,
why don't we continue west
and also go into
Laos, Burma and India,
that way it could be
over in six months.
- Well, by extending that idea,
if we keep moving west
through Saudi Arabia
and Africa, the war could
be over in three months.
- Why don't we just
keep moving west
till we get to Washington DC,
that way, the war
could be over tomorrow.
- Whacker, you may
be on to something.
- Oh, I hope so.
- In summer concerts
throughout the land,
everyone was tapping
his neighbor to the tune of...
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
With brown shoes
and argyle socks
With Agnew clocks
We're wearing hardhats now
- I have nothing against
young people personally,
I just hope my kid
doesn't become one.
- Yeah, something
else with all these kids
getting all that education.
Where are the construction
workers of tomorrow
coming from?
(audience laughter)
Like to be, be,
beating the nightstick
As it taps a skull or two
Like the rub-a-dub-dub
of a billy club
We're socking it to you
- This summer the
government stepped
up it's program of
busing schoolchildren
to achieve integration.
This has been met
with varying reactions.
- Sir, how do you
feel about busing
to achieve integration?
- Well missy, I'm against it.
Now look, I'm
all for integration,
but taking a kid across town
when he can go to school
right in his own neighborhood,
well that just don't
seem American,
so I put up my boy
in a private school
over to Magnolia County.
- Magnolia County?
That's a good 60
miles from here,
you drive 120 miles a day?
- No, the boy takes a bus.
(audience laughter)
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
We're digging what Spiro says
He's our pres, we're
wearing hardhats now
- During the past months,
the nation's economy
was bolstered by these
reassuring statements.
- As the president's
economic advisor,
what are you going to
do about the apparent
recession that we
are undergoing?
- Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.
Actually, I have
a solution that will
change the trend overnight.
See, things are
looking better already
and they say we don't
have a fun administration.
(audience laughter)
See how that works?
- Dennis, kids say our
traditions are old fashioned.
- (Scoffs) That's dumb.
Traditions have
to be old fashioned,
it's traditional.
The kids we met last summer
Behaved better all winter long
Got my hard hat Got my bread map
All I need now Is the kid
- That's rude and vulgar.
- And this summer in Tijuana,
there was an
electrical blackout.
The trouble was
traced to the power plant
where it was discovered
the burro had died.
(audience laughter)
- Very funny, gringo,
but a word of advice.
If you're going to New York,
don't drink the water.
(audience laughter)
La la la da da da da da da
La la la la da da
da da da Hard hats
They're wearing their hard hats
They're crazy for apple pie
And days gone by
They're wearing hard hats now
Standing on the corner
Giving all the kids a
shot One Two Three
Four - Not all kids are rotten,
my daughter's been
so well behaved,
this Saturday night I'm
gonna let her borrow the truck.
(audience laughter)
Hard hats They're
wearing their hard hats
Their weary old mixed up views
To heck with truth
Bring back swing
Songs by Bing On
track And looking back
So wow Wow wow With hard hats
We're wearing our hard hats
We're wearing our
heavy hard hats now
(audience applause)
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
So bring back the
Model T And Pinky Lee
We're wearing hard hats now
- Women's liberation
gained momentum.
(bells jingling)
- Ha ha, there you go, girls.
(girls laughing)
Run along.
Y'all come back now, y'hear.
(audience laughter)
- Many college
commencements last June
were marked by demonstrations.
We abhor this kind of
unseemly behavior in
roves of academe, however,
Laugh-In went to one graduation
that went off without incident.
We go now to the
Meat Cutters Institute
and guest speaker,
Master Butcher,
Herman "Thumbs" Rush.
- Dean, members of the faculty
and butchers of the future,
I am very much
honored to be here
to address you and present
your awards and diplomas.
Now you young men
are about to embark
on a world where
it's dog eat dog,
which brings me
to my text topic.
Where is the meat of
tomorrow coming from?
(audience laughter)
Now a lot of you didn't think
you were just gonna make it.
You just stood around,
waiting for the
axe to fall (laughs).
Play on words there
and now you are
ready to take your place
as the butchers of America,
but before you do,
I would like very much
to make these few
special awards.
The Oscar Mayer
Ingenuity Award for Ingenuity
is given to Billy Wilder
who, while blindfolded, put
an entire cow back together
in three minutes flat.
(audience laughter)
The Creative Expression
Award goes to James A. Aubrey
who made a life-sized
statue of Ralph Nader
out of stale hamburgers.
(audience laughter)
Now will the graduates
please come forward
for your diplomas.
Now remember as you stride
forth into the supermarkets
of your dreams,
I want you to remember the
slogan of your alma mater,
The Meat Cutters Institute,
keep your nose
to the grindstone,
your shoulder to the wheel
and your thumb on the scales.
(audience laughter)
(knife thuds)
- Would you make mine lean?
The next piece.
(audience laughter)
Hard hats We're
wearing our hard hats
We're wearing
our heavy hard hats
Da da da da da da da da
Wearing our hard hats now
(audience applause)
- Well that about
wraps up the most
important developments
of the past summer.
- And a good job too,
except you omitted
some of the biggest
stories in the
history of journalism.
- Oh, I don't think we
overlooked anything
that momentous.
- Yeah, how about the
political situation in Holland?
- In Holland?
- Yeah, did you know that
seven members of the Nudist
Party got elected
to the legislature?
- I had no idea.
- Huh, well I had, in
fact, several, ho, ho, ho,
I can picture them now,
sitting in the parliament
wearing their bumper stickers.
(audience laughter)
- Why would they
wear bumper stickers?
- Well, there ain't
much place to
pin a campaign button.
(audience laughter)
- I get the point,
it's sort of a play on words.
- Also, you didn't say a word
about the big pornography
fair in Denmark.
- They had a pornography
fair in Denmark?
- Right in the same
place where they
turned a man into a lady.
- They had a pornography fair
and they turned
a man into a lady?
- That's right, Denmark giveth
and Denmark taketh away.
(audience laughter)
- It was just
impossible to present
every single story that happens.
- I suppose that's true,
it's like the couple said
in the king-sized bed
with the twin-sized blanket.
- I don't particularly
look forward to this,
but what did they say?
- Well, you can't
cover everything.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(humorous music)
(trombone squeaks)
(car tires squeal)
- Have I ever
told you you're the
most beautiful
woman in the world?
- No.
- Well, thank
heavens I've still got
a shred of integrity left.
- (Laughs) I'll drink to that.
(audience laughter)
Another bottle of your
finest, my good man.
- Your finest.
Ah-hah.
- Be 89 cents, buddy.
- Isn't that a little bit steep?
- 79 cents is tax.
- Oh, gee, yeah, it's just
like gasoline (laughs).
- No, gasoline is smoother.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, is she loaded?
- Is she loaded?
Come here and
sneak a peek at stiffy.
(audience laughter)
- It is a little known fact
that William Shakespeare's plays
were interrupted by commercials.
It'll probably stay
a little known fact.
- Oh woe is me,
oh pitiful position,
I am a mess from
stuffed up nose condition.
Oh, cursed ills
of fever and chills,
till I heard the word
about tidy time pills.
I seize the suggestion to
ease my congestion but,
to sneeze or not to
sneeze, that is the question.
- Whether 'tis nobler
to suffer or to buffer
or to stuff her with aspirin,
or is it best to get undressed
and in a tub there to rub
alcohol upon my chest.
- Alcohol, ah, there's the rub,
alas, poor Yorick,
he takes paregoric,
but fair Ophelia
before she's kissed.
She always uses nasal mist.
- But alas, it brought
our romance to a close,
oh wretched fool to
kiss a girl with a plastic
bottle in her nose.
- I took histamine
for my nasal droop,
antihistamine for
my bronchial croup.
I even stooped to chicken soup.
- These travails caused
me serious menace
- till I spoke with the
Merchant of Venice,
he said Hamlet,
when you've got nasal
woes, just take out
your hankie and blow your nose.
- Friends, greater
love can no man show,
now if you'll excuse
us, we've got to blow.
(70's dance music)
- We return you now to
the entertainment portion
of our program.
(patriotic music)
(70's dance music)
- Any new theories
Professor Pavlov?
- Well, I'm glad you
asked me that, little fella.
Yes, I've been teaching my dog
to eat at the sound of a bell.
See, the bell rings
and the dog eats.
- Ah, how's it going?
- Not too good,
yesterday he ate the Avon Lady.
- I do not necessarily agree
that a lot of problems
in modern education
might be solved if teachers
stop striking schools
and went back to
striking students.
- You know, I just
don't understand
today's college students,
the economic situation
or our foreign policy.
You know I think I'm qualified
to run for political office.
(audience laughter)
(70's dance music)
(cart rumbling)
(humorous music)
(siren wailing)
- Hey look, we
gotta do something
to entertain ourselves
here, you know?
- Why don't we play
some basketball?
- How are we gonna do that,
we don't have a ball.
- Alright, we don't have a ball,
let's pretend we got a ball.
Look, here is a ball.
- That is a ball.
Where is the basket?
- What do you mean,
where's the basket?
On the wall where
it's supposed to be,
it's on the wall, that basket.
- Go ahead, you
take the first shot.
- Where's the basket?
Went right in.
- Uh, did you used
to play pro ball?
- Huh?
- Did you used to play pro ball?
- No, no, no,
just a little in
college, that's all.
Here.
Ooh.
Go, go, go, go, baby.
Go, hey, go baby,
go, hey, two points.
- That didn't go
in, it hit the rim.
- Of course it hit the rim,
but it went in the basket.
- It didn't go
in, it hit the rim.
- It went in the basket.
- He's right, it went right in.
- Hey, if you saw it go in,
you better have
your eyes checked.
- It's a technical foul.
Okay, okay, take a free throw.
- You hear what the
ref says, free throw,
technical foul, free
throw, here, hold the ball.
Laces up, laces up.
Where's the basket?
(audience laughter)
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Give me the ball, give
me the ball, laces up,
laces up.
Swish.
- No, no basket.
Stepped across the line.
- Yeah, I saw you too,
you stepped across the line.
- What do you mean I
stepped across the line?
- You stepped across the line.
- How much you paying
the ref to call 'em your way?
- Not as much as you are.
- That's it, I've had it,
both of you, out, out,
get out.
- Now wait a minute,
we had the courts
reserved from 10 to 12.
- I don't care if you
have them all day, out.
- You're a lousy guard.
- Out.
Play ball.
All the news is slanted
Purely propaganda
Tell it like you want it
That's the way it's done
What's our nation's
favorite indoor sport
Analyzing every
mixed-up news report
Watch out for the eyebrow
Careful with inflection
If the news is tasteful
Everything is fine
Until we start
deciphering the clues
La da de da La
da de da Tra la le la
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- Please ladies,
ladies, ladies, cut it, cut.
Ladies and gentlemen here is
Rowan McMarkmac, the news.
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
and Fernando Garcia in Germany,
Hans van Crut in Argentina,
Joseppe Gaioni in TelAviv,
Homongo Umgowa in Greenland
and Nathan Labenowitz
at the Vatican.
- Good evening, this is
Dan Rowan in New York.
- Good evening, Dick
Martin in Washington
and here is tonight's news.
A recent nationwide survey asks,
do you think people
today are unwilling to take
a stand, 5% said no, 10%
said yes, 85% were undecided.
(audience laughter)
- Washington DC, still
on the subject of surveys,
rumor has it that a secret
survey was taken recently
to determine what
public reaction would be
if the 1972 elections
were canceled.
Results showed that
a great many people
were more receptive to
canceling the 1968 election.
(audience laughter)
- Burbank, California,
a mysterious caller
who has been annoying
the night nurse at Burbank
General Hospital by
breathing heavily into the phone
was found to be
the late John Calley,
an asthmatic patient in room 314
of Burbank General Hospital.
(audience laughter)
- And now for this public
service announcement.
- Audrey fools around.
- Chicago, 1990,
twenty years from now,
the increasing
conservative trend towards
stricter law enforcement
was reflected
in the decision handed
down today in the case
of Shreveport Three.
Judge Julius Hoffman,
Jr., sentenced each
of the defendants to 50
years in the electric chair.
(audience laughter)
Back to the news,
President Nixon announced
recently he expected
the nation's economy
would improve
and here for an instant
analysis of that situation
is Eric Clarified, come in Eric.
Well not that way, you
dumb boy, on the screen.
- President Nixon did
recently announce that he
expected the nation's
economy would improve.
Now, what this means is
that if the nation's economy
does improve, President
Nixon did expect it.
Now, the significance of this
is that an improvement
in the nation's economy,
as expected by President Nixon
would definitely bear
out the expectations
of President Nixon.
If there is an improvement
in the nation's economy,
thank you.
- For an instant
analysis of Eric Clarified
we switch you to Chet Humpley.
- The man is an idiot.
(audience laughter)
La da di da Da
da di da Tra la le la
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- (Speaking foreign
language), cut, cut.
That's the end.
(audience applause)
Oh you.
- This is not tasteful.
(70's dance music)
(upbeat humorous music)
- Boy that sun sure
makes a girl tired.
- Yeah, his father's
kind of cute too.
(audience laughter)
- Your soup, sir.
- Thank you.
Oh, ah, waiter, oh,
there's a soup in my fly.
- Oh I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll get it.
- Oh no, thank you.
- [Announcer] Portions
of tonight's show
were brought to you by
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto
and by new Formica Floor Shine,
it's even harder than
most floors it protects.
- Aw.
- Dick, you wanna
tell the folks who's
gonna be on the show next week?
- Well, next week we're
having a really big name,
Vladimar Dropalotovitch.
(audience laughter)
- That's a big name, who's that?
- Well, he's that
fabulous circus performer
who leaps from a
100 foot platform
into a giant polka dot.
(audience laughter)
- He's not gonna be on the show.
- Oh, well, if he's not
gonna be on the show,
there's a good chance we'll
lose the flying carbuncles too.
- The flying carbuncles?
Another circus act?
- No, they just fly.
- Well, this is
your last chance,
now tell us really, who's gonna
be on the show next week?
- How 'bout Raquel Welch?
- She's gonna be on the show?
- No, but how 'bout her, huh?
(audience laughter)
- I'm not getting
any place with you.
- Funny, that's what
I said to Raquel.
- Will you just forget
about Raquel Welch?
- Forget about who?
- Say goodnight, Dick.
So I said to uh...
(audience laughter)
(ball swishes)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- If all the bathmats
manufactured last year
were laid end to
end, you could walk
from Burbank to San
Francisco soaking wet.
(audience laughter)
- What do you call
an intoxicated midget?
- What's that, Nancy?
- I said, what do you call
an intoxicated midget?
- I call him a little drunk.
(laughter)
- I know one way to
keep America beautiful.
Just take down
all those billboards
that say Keep America Beautiful.
(audience laughter)
- Ms. Millow, I call you miss,
I didn't notice a wedding ring.
I was thinking,
frankly I think
that the no-bra fad
is a tempest in a c cup.
- My psychiatrist told me that I
have caffeinaphobia.
- What's that?
- It's fear of Juan Valdez.
- What are you doing?
- Look at that guy
down there getting
mugged and the crowd's just
standing around watching him.
- The Burbank audience's
are the greatest audiences
in the world.
(siren wails)
(humorous music)
(siren wails)
(trombone plays)
- Hey, tune in next week, folks
when we will introduce
Mervin the Magnificent.
- And you will hear
our special guest
Don Rickles say.
(sound of a gear winding)
(bell dings)
- Mervin, that's magnificent.
- Boys and girls, this week,
give your mom a little
ringy-dingy, I mean it.
- Goodnight America
and goodnight Mr. Agnew.
Remember, wherever you are,
whatever you do,
Mr. Agnew was watching you.
Thank you, Mr. Agnew.
(humorous music)
- Land sakes, now they
got a cockamamie tapper.
I mean, I like Spiro,
he's my kind of fella,
but all that
tupelling, tippelling
and tappelling dancing,
I haven't seen such fancy
footwork since the old days.
There she goes again.
Oh, Land O' Goshen, she's
dancing under my fern (laughs).
What a talented little cookie.
- See you next week, folks.
- That's all folks.
(Porky Pig impression)
(ball thudding)