Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 9 - Episode #3.9 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

- Oh, I just had to
come and tell you,

you were just
great in Hello Dolly.

- Oh, thank you Goldie.

- And you know what?

You were simply wonderful
in Thoroughly Modern Millie.

- Well, how sweet
of you to say so.

- Yeah, but I think
I liked you most

in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

- Well, Goldie you
got them all correctly.



- Well, I don't see
what's so surprising

about that Ms. Merman.

(audience laughs)

Honolulu luau Wa
wa wa And all that y'all

Pearly shells Honolulu
luau Wa wa wa

With George Diamond Dan

Aloha all you kanas and muhini

How'd you like
your teriyaki weenies

See that native Burbank boy

Eating knish and
poi Honolulu luau

Wa wa wa In our
backyard (rapid drumming)

- Hey Dick, did you know
that in the Hula Hawaiian girl

tells a story by
moving her hands?

- I see she sort of lets
her fingers do the talking.



- [All] Wa wa wa!

- I say Pat if you went
to a rock music festival,

would you bathe in the nude?

- Oh no Jeremy.

I don't think I could bear it.

- [All] Wa wa wa!

- Here Alan, did
you know that...

- You're in the wrong place.

Ms. Channing.
- Oh.

(audience laughs)

- You know inflation is...
- I thought I was wrong.

- No, she's a little
sick, this person.

- You know inflation
is getting so bad,

the money we're spending
isn't worth very much.

- Well, so what.

You're not getting
that much for it anyway.

- Gee, why didn't
I think of that.

- [All] Wa wa wa!

- Here Art, what
would you say is

the worst occupation
in the world?

- Czechoslovakia.

- [All] Wa wa wa!

- Oh, Henry Gibson,
did you know this?

Did you know that there are
seven foot waves in Ha-va-ii?

- I didn't realize a girl that
tall could get into the Navy.

- Ta da!
- [All] Wa wa wa!

- Ruth how would you
describe our smog?

- Well, (both laughing)

Dropped your gum (laughing).

Some days the way
everybody here goes about

with their tears
and lies, - Yes.

- It's almost like
God had peeled

a large onion over Los Angeles.

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

- Oh, - Hey Ruth!

- Yeah, and I'm Judy.

- Judy.

- Yes, you remember me.

- Some people think
less dramatics in stand on

school integration set
Georgia back a hundred years.

- Yeah, from 1860 to 1760.

- [All] Wa wa wa!

(audience laughs)

- [Ruth] Hey, Jo!

- Ah ha ha ha!

Wa wa wa!

(audience laughs)

- Auto manufacturers
say cars have

nothing to do with pollution.

- Ha! Well, something tells me

they could just poss-i-bi-bly

be trying cloud the is-sue.

- [All] Wa wa wa!

- Goldie, did you
know that in Hawaii,

Goldie, Goldie!

- What?

- Did you know that in Hawaii
means hello and goodbye?

- Oh, poor babies.

They don't know if
they're coming or going.

- [All] Wa wa wa!

- Hey Carol.

- Yeah.

- How about coming up
to my place after the show?

- Oh no, I've heard
all about you Dick.

- Oh?

- All.

So, we'll go to my place.

It's closer.

- Wa!

- [All] Wa wa wa!

Honolulu luau Wa
wa wa Waikiki Lava la

Honolulu luau Wa
wa wa It'll set you free

Ha ha ha There goes
Mama playing her u-kuh

Eat a little oopa dooka dooka

Do your hula fast and
hard In our backyard

- En Angelo.

In our backyard

(applause)

- From the footlocker of the
beautiful downtown Burbank

shoe repair shop and
atomic testing area,

NBC ignores the
advice of its lawyer

and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan
or Dick Martin,

and special guest
goody, Carol Channing

and this highly unlike
group of coo coos,

Judy Carne, Arte
Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson,

Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,

who tonight only will be
played by Jo Anne Worley.

With these extra added
ding-a-lings, Teresa Graves,

Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,

Byron Gilliam,

yours truly Gary Owens
known to his friend as Mr. Owens

and Morgle the friendly
drelve who tonight will recite

Casey at the Bat in Swedish,

and now here's music
to make money by.

- People here at Party
A are obviously not using

Canada Dry drink mixes.

Come to think of it,

neither are the
people at Party B.

(audience laughs)

- That was a gentle fooler.

This one is for real.

- [Gary] How does
Mrs. Buckley stay

as slim as her teenage daughter?

- As you all know it is
inevitable that sooner

or later NBC would treat
you to a real commercial,

so brace yourselves.

(quick music)

(laughing)

(audience laughs)

(applause)

- Hold it down.

Could we have some order?

Please!

Halt!

- Such unbridled enthusiasm.
- More police!

Keep them back!

(laughing)

- Unbridled, oh, what an
atmosphere in here tonight.

- Oh golly.
- Good evening,

I hope you're all in
good health this evening.

- Well, if just these
five or six thousand here

are in good health
that's enough.

- I must say you look tired.

- Well, you know I
had a great weekend.

- Oh, did you?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah,

I don't think I want to
hear about your weekend...

- Well you wanna see it then?

I got some pretty
good pictures...

- No, I don't want to
see... (Dick laughs)

- Some of them
are little blurry,

but (laughs), - Yes, no, no, no.

- I got a picture
of the Avon lady

coming to my door
at 2:30 in the morning.

- Avon lady?
- She rang my chimes.

- Came to your door and
rang your chimes at two thir,

that's terrible.

- Well, she's lucky
she she caught me in.

- (laughs) Now, you don't
really expect me to believe

that the Avon lady is
out selling door to door

at 2:30 in the morning?

- She was sleep walking.

- Oh, did you wake here up?

- Of course not.

You don't dare wake
them up, you know.

- You gave her a few
orders to humor her and...

- No, I gave her a few
orders to humor me. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- The CEO mentally left,
you finally got to sleep?

- Well, until 4:30 when my
other neighbor came over,

and she was having a nightmare.

- Yeah, it sounds to me like
you ought to move out of there.

- Well no, she was
having this dream.

It was about a wagon train.

It was being attract, attacked
by these Indians you see.

- Being attract by the Indians?

- No attacked.

- Attacked by the
Indians, oh yeah?

- No attract was another dream.

- Oh well, what did you see.

(wooing)

- Well, how long do you sleep?

- About six feet.

- Oh no, you know what I mean.

- Three feet?

- Three feet you say?

- Well, if I'm curled
up, - If you're curled up.

- It's three feet.

- No, I mean how many
hours do you sleep?

- Well now, that
depends where I am.

- I see.
- You know you have

to stay alert for an opportunity

to fall asleep at a
moment's notice.

- You gotta be ready huh?

- That's right.
- Well you know,

Duke University's
been conducting

some experiments of sleep,

and I understand that
some of those scientists claim

that eight hours for
the average person

(snoring) is all right,

but that some guys
only sleep... (snoring)

Dick! (Dick screams)

- What's the matter with you?

- You woke me out
of a great dream.

- Oh yeah?

- Oh, the Avon lady was
attacking some Indians.

(wooing)

- Tonight Laugh-In pays a visit

to the richest
couple in the world.

Who despite their great wealth

are just like any other
husband and wife.

We join them now
on their island retreat.

- Zekki I've got talk to you.

- I'll be with you
in a minute Harry.

- That's Ari, Ari.

(grunting and clapping)

- There, I've just
pasted your first

million dollars in the book.

- That's what I want
to talk to you about.

You know I make a decent living,

about a hundred millions a year.

I mean we're comfortable.

- Well, there are a few
things we could use.

- Now, that's what I mean.

Almost last year we spent
like 20 millions dollars.

A yach-it, and island.

- But Ari, we have
to have a yacht.

How else can we
get to the island?

- Buying houses,
apartments, jewelry,

paintings, all that clodding.

We've got to cut down.

- Okay, I'll tell you what.

Tonight we'll have spaghetti.

- Good, now that's my girl.

- I know a great
restaurant in Rome.

They deliver.

- Come on all
you little darlings.

It's time for some quickies.

- Oh, Uncle Al can
you change a dollar bill?

- Sure draw a mustache
on George Washington.

(Jo laughs)

(fast music)

- Ruthie where did
you get those spots?

- My husband beat
me with a dalmatian.

(crying)

(audience laughs)

(quick music)

- I have just painted your car.

Anything you wish to
give me will be okay.

(audience laughs)

(fast music)

- All right Ms. Matthews
if you'll just step

back of the screen and
undress for examination.

- Just a minute Doctor.

State law requires that a
nurse be present in a room

when a female disrobes
in front of a doctor.

- Oh, pardon me,
you're absolutely right.

Nurse, can you come in please?

- Okay.

(fast music)

- We could've saved the money

and bought furniture,

but I feel a girl only
gets engaged once.

Pack your trunk.

Let's get out of here.

(quick music)

(Vaudeville music)

(clanging)

(water pouring)

(slide whistle ascending)

(audience laughs)

(jovial music)

(slap)

(slide whistle ascending)

(splashing)

- Time now for another
letter to Laugh-in.

Two dollars is in an
armored truck on its way

to Leon Menard of
Port Charlotte, Florida

for this cutie.

- Hey Danny boy.

- Yeah Goldie?

(Goldie laughs)

- When's your birthday?

- Why do you ask?

- Well, I got a special on
some belated birthday cards

and if I don't know your
birthday how can I forget it?

(audience laughs)

(jovial music)

- Elements by Henry Gibson.

I used to love fresh air,

when it was there,
and water I enjoyed it,

til wood destroyed it.

Each day the lands diminished.

I think I'm finished.

(audience laughs)

- Speaking of a
gotcha, there was...

- Excuseth, excuseth
me Ms. Champlinski

I couldn't help it

but to watching
for you performing

and your sure to
sparkle what is unique-ed.

You, I see we go
to the same tailor.

He says to me, you
should talketh unto her

for to get-ted song.

Maybe she could do.

I got-ted song from
behind iron curtain

that is absolutely one
poten-tion-ality for you

and I would like-ed
for to teach you

if you would like
it for to learn it.

- Oh, I'd like to learn it.

- That's very good.

I would liKe to, I'll have,
I talk-ed to piano player.

Archipelago.

- You're going to sing?

- I sing it, then you sing it.

- Oh.
- Okay?

(singing in foreign language)

You sing it, go ahead.

(singing in foreign language)

- You got good wide
vibrato, that's good, good.

(audience laughs)

(singing in foreign language)

(singing in foreign language)

- To sound like this
you listen closely.

You could practice.

(singing in foreign language)

If you could remember that

and sing-ed it all together,

you could possibly be an
overnight sen-sen-nation.

Right.

You're a cute girl anyhow.

(audience laughs)

Hello we are happy to report

The newest thing in
Russian indoor sport

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the
information In a way

We hope will amuse you hey

Die die die die die

Lie lie lie lie
lie lie lie lie Hey

We got love to give you our news

Ya da de da hey Ladies and gents

Love and looks at
the news Hey Dan

(applause)
- Wonderful.

Wonderful, that's wonderful.

And now with our
news of the present.

Here's the man to whom the news

wouldn't be the news
without the news.

Here's Dinky.

(applause)

- Well, I'll go and lay
a little news on you.

(audience laughs)

Washington.

When advised of CBS's intention

to put Hee Haw back on the air,

Senator Pastore is
rumored to have said,

"I'd much rather have
sex and violence."

(audience laughs)

Pittsburgh.

In response to
recent demonstrations

by minorities to
gain union admission,

Building Trades Spokesman said,

"This union fought in
the streets for decent jobs

"and we're not going to
admit people who resort

"to violence just to get work."

(audience laughs)

So there.

Hollywood.

Television star Dean Martin,

still suffering from a severe
case of scotch on the knee

was today named honorary
chairman of the committee

to help the young
mothers of America.

Ain't that sweet?

Mr. Martin commented quote,

"Well, as far as young mothers
are concerned, I always say,

Everybody loves
somebody sometime

Whoa whoa whoa"

And now take it away Goldie.

What's the news
across the nation?

- You know Goldie, We've got

- I'd love to hear more,

but you've already done that.

It's time to introduce me.

- Oh.

Dan Rowan I'd like you
to meet Goldie Hawn.

- No, no, no Goldie.

I've met you before,
you remember.

- I know, kidding.
- Yeah, the future.

- Oh well, we can't
wait around for that Dan.

You've got to do the
News of the Future

and boy, (laughs)

I forgot my line.

- Well, that's all right.
- Some people Dan.

And next time try not to goof.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, I'll study up Goldie.

Is that a warm outfit Goldie?

Yes.

Sun City 1989,
20 years from now.

Sun City today was the
sight of the 25th Annual

Lawrence Welk Music Festival.

The Weason as
its promoters call it

was attended by
250,000 senior citizens,

all over the age of 80.

Local police stated the oldsters

were generally well-behaved.

However, there was evidence
of a widespread use of Geritol.

(audience laughs)

Cairo 1989, 20 years from now.

The Egyptian Air Force
raided Tel Aviv today.

Claimed to have destroyed
two gun emplacements

and a Knish stand.

The only casualties
were two Egyptian pilots

who fell off their rugs.

(audience laughs)

- Speaking of rugs,

Georgie Jessel
flew into Israel today,

on his hair.

(audience laughs)

- To continue, continuing
with News of the Future

as Goldie would say.

1989, 20 years from
now dateline heaven.

Following the end of
the world this morning,

heaven has opened
its gates to the entire

population of the world
except for William F. Buckley

who refused to go saying,
"Any heaven that will take in

"Gore Vidal is no heaven to me."

(audience laughs)

- Well, my dear
George Washington,

how are your new wooden teeth?

- Oh, they're just fine Martha.

I find I can enjoy your candy
for the first time in years.

- And do you like the new
toothpaste I bought you?

- Oh yes, it's exquisite,

and I also find I have
37% less termites.

(march music) (audience laughs)

- (Laughs) That old
scatback himself,

Mistrovioff Big Al.

Scat away Big.

- Hi Big Al here, the
old cross country court...

(bell rings)

featurette.

(bell rings)

Oh... without a tinkle,

I'd be tinkleless.

Well, today was very
disappointing for sports fan.

The International Tiddlywinks
Match was an absolute bust.

The tiddly wasn't bad,

but I didn't see
one wink all day.

Last year's champion
was disqualified

for tiddling out of bounds.

Oh, his language was dreadful.

Fuss, darn, leaping lizard.

Next year's matches are
going to be held in Tokyo.

Won't that be fun?

Tidderyrinks, ta ta.

(Jo singing)

Oh my little caviar.

Where are you? (bell ringing)

- Hello folks.

I'm here today with a
Laugh-Ins news feature,

and we're talking with the wiggy
wonder of the women's world

of fashion Mademoiselle
Coo-coo Cardinelli.

Hello Mademoiselle.

- Just call me Coo-coo.

- All right Coo-coo.

You started the mini look

and you originated
the maxi look.

What's your new
look for this year?

- Cuffs and lapels
dearie, cuffs and lapels.

- What's so exciting
about cuffs and lapels?

- Well, that's it.

Cuff and lapels.

Nothing in between.

Think about it. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Frankly I think
you're out of sight.

- What does that mean?

- Trust me.

- Crazy.

Hey!

La da da de da Ladies and gents

Laugh and looks at the news Hey

- I see it says a dollar a kiss.

I'd like one.

- Oh, certainly sir. (giggles)

Oh, I don't think
I have a dollar.

(audience laughs)

(boinking) (dinging)

(jovial music)

(explosion booms)

(audience laughs)

(popping)

(audience laughs)

(slide whistle ascending)

- I would like to read
you a Laugh-In fable.

Once there was an ant

and he worked hard all
summer long storing away food.

The grasshopper however sang

and danced the summer away.

When winter came the
grasshopper begged for food,

but the ant said
you were playing

all summer while I worked,

so now you are
hungry and I am full.

There was nothing left
for the grasshopper to do,

so he ate the ant.

(audience laughs)

(lullaby music) (snoring)

(audience laughs)

(fast music)

- Kiss the teddy.

(cheerful music)

(water sprays)

(women screaming)

- Hey you wanna
mosey onto the party?

- Well, first I have to
help my cousin Freddy.

You know he's the ballet dancer.

- Boy, you got a family.

Anything serious with Freddy?

- Well, no last night he was
doing some pirouettes you see,

and the audience
they were applauding

and they applauded so much
that old Freddy got carried away.

(laughs)

- I'm not gonna go
any further with it.

- He kept spinning
around faster and faster.

(laughing louder)

- I don't wanna hear it.

- You're right, he screwed
himself right into the stage.

(loudly laughing)
(audience laughs)

- Let's go to the party.

- Oh, I wish Freddy
could come along.

Might help him unwind. (laughs)

- You wanna unwind at the party?

Come on.

(Dick laughing)

(applause)

(sixties dance music)

- Carol, Carol do you realize
that movie ratings today

are becoming more
and more confusing?

- Oh, well yes, I know Teresa.

We saw a movie last night

that was rated M, R, X and G,

and it was for mature
families under the age of 16

and it was entitled Bambi
Meets the Wild Bunch

and Winds Up as
Lunch (Teresa laughs)

Winds Up as Lunch
at Alice's Restaurant.

- Different strokes
for different folks.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- Big disappointment in the
college cafeteria yesterday.

They were serving
chicken pot pie

and all the students
could find in it was chicken.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- I can't understand that
daughter-in-law of mine,

laughing and giggling until two

or three o'clock every morning.

Well, I didn't know my
little boy was that funny.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- Byron did I hear you tell Dick

and Dan you used
to walk to school,

six miles to school each day
back and forward to graduation?

After graduation
you kept walking

and just for the exercise?

- No.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- Next season on
Broadway they're doing

a nude version of Oklahoma

and believe me, this
time the corn had better be

as high an elephant's eye.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- Who says we're
not making progress?

Why just recently a
big all white university

installed a black
studies program.

Didn't work out too well though.

Most of the kids passed Amos,

but flunked Andy.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- I just finished
a terrific painting.

It shows a large
can of split pea soup

sitting in a rocking chair.

I call it Whistler's Lunch.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- You know the
ABM system is going

to cost 10 billion dollars,

and its advocates say it
will be a great deterrent

and they may be right.

It looks like it's going
to be a deterrent

to spending money on
health, education and welfare.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- Goldie, Thanksgiving's
only a few weeks away.

You gonna celebrate
with a turkey?

- No, this year I thought we'd
just spend it with our folks.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- Which reminds me of The
Tale of the Dancing Maiden

and the fascinating way
in which she removed

the Shah's impacted
wisdom tooth, painlessly.

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

- How about coming
up to my place later

for a little Martini?

- Well, okay, but I must
warn you one Martini

and I'm three
sheets to the wind.

- Oh yeah?

- Mm-Hmm.

- Anchors away my...

(audience laughs)
(sixties dance music)

(applause)

(jovial music)

- No Dick, the other,

there they are out there.
- Oh.

- Hi there friends
and neighbors.

It's time once again for

the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.

- And I guess that pile
of letters under your arms

are requests for the
Stiff Steel Steady Stiletto?

- No, not even that.

This is just some junk mail
I've received in past few days.

- Ah-Ha!

Been carrying on a
little correspondence

with Dr. Timothy Leary have you?

- No, you dummy.

Not that kind of junk.

I'm talking about junk mail.

That's the kind of stuff you get

from people whom you don't know

and don't know you.

- Well, it strikes
me that you wouldn't

have a whole lot
to say to each other.

- Exactly my point.

- Wee!

- Who needs it?

- Well, hold it.

We forgot to give the
finger to the mailman.

- Oh no, no why give
it to the poor mailman?

It isn't his fault.

Many of the states'
Department of Motor Vehicles,

they're the one who'd get it.

- Well, why pray tell?

- Because those
friendly little pen pals

actually sell your name

and your address
to mail order houses

and they in turn send
you all that junk mail.

Ain't that keen?

- Hey, that's an
invasion of privacy.

- Oh, well of course it is.
- Keen privacy, but...

- Yes, it is an
invasion of privacy.

- Well, in that case,

Department of Motor
Vehicles we'd like

to invade your
privacy with this.

- That's it,

and with it this Laugh-In extra.

Now this is just
all the junk mail

we've collected this past week

and there's lots more
where it came from.

We'll make sure you get it all.

Right girls?

(all cheering)

- Still arguing with your wife?

- Oh yes Byron.

I mean sometimes I
say absolutely nothing

and she starts a fight.

- That's too bad.

- Oh yes, last
night she asked me

what I got her for her birthday.

I said absolutely nothing,

and she started
hitting me again.

(audience laughs)

Carol Channing Goldie
Hawn Carol Channing

Goldie Hawn

Blondes aren't
necessarily dumber

than redheads

Blondes aren't
fundamentally stupid

Or dead heads

Blondes aren't big on schoolery

But we dig our furs and jewelry

Blondes aren't
necessarily dumber

Than redheads Or brunette types

Or brown haired people

Blondes aren't
categorically saccharine

Or silly

Blondes are hip and
thoroughly modern

Like Millie Blondes
are apolitical

But with bonds we're analytical

Blondes aren't
necessarily saccharine

or silly Or whatever
Carol Goldie

Why do guys get handsy and holdy

Goldie Yes Carol

Blondes are always over a barrel

Blondes have eyes
that seem a bit brighter

And bigger

Blondes are always
blessed with a whistle

Well bigger

Blondes have
ladies slurring them

Gentlemen are
still preferring them

Blondes aren't necessarily dumb

Carol Goldie

Why do guys get bonny and boldy

Goldie Yes carol

Somehow blondes
are always in peril

Blondes are part
of Hollywood's flora

and fauna

Blondes like Mae,
Maulina, Melina

and Lana Blondes since even Eden

Or what those ad
gab men are needing

Blondes aren't necessarily

Blondes aren't
ordinarily Necessa-

Blondes aren't necessarily dumb

- Aren't ordinarily

necessa...
- Is that what it is?

- Fundament, fundamentally?

- No, no, no, no, it's
ordinarily, subordinar...

- Subordin?
- No, no, no, wait a minute.

I think let's do it again.

- Well then, let's do it again.

Aren't necessarily
- (laughs) dumb.

- Dumb.

- I meant from the beginning.

(both laugh)

Okay.

- Yeah.

- Fine.

(jovial music)

(slide whistle ascending)

(clanging)

(fast music)

(audience laughs)

(clanging)

(spraying water)

(audience laughs)

- Hey, you wanna know what?

- Hmm?

- Tonight Mod Mod
Rose is gonna take a look

at you and your car.

- Boy, it's a good
thing I had the curtains

put in my car.

- What does that mean?

- Well, my car's in
terrible shape, that's all.

The backseat's wrinkled.

The rear armrest is crooked,

and the ashtray in
the backseat's all full.

- Well, what about
the front seat?

- How do I know.

I've never been
in the front seat.

- Well, how can you
get anywhere in your car

if you're in the backseat?

- Well, I can get anywhere
I want in the backseat.

I let the chauffeur drive.

- I've never seen a
chauffeur of yours.

- Well, of course not.

She's in the backseat with me.

- Now is that all
your car means to you

is a place to entertain ladies?

Aren't you interested
in how it goes?

- Well, it's been
going just great.

(audience laughs)
- Come on.

Now, the automobile is
very important in our society.

Statistics show
that there is one car

for every seven people
in the United States.

(claps)
- That explains it.

(claps)
- That explains what?

- The other six people
in the backseat with me.

(audience laughs)

- Tonight Laugh-In
looks at you and your car.

Some people like
to ride off on a bike

Or go scooting
around on a scooter

Nothing appeals

Like the feel of some wheels

That are bigger
and better and cuter

When we go out We
are always together

Me and my family
car Seven cylinders

Chugging along in
the wildest of weather

Me and my family
car With a rumble seat

What's my pride and my passion

My friend and the joy of my life

Not my home or my job or my kids

Or my dog or the cat or my wife

It's a lovely romance
Me and my family car

- With the trunk in back.

We're like sweethearts
Me and my family car

- With the crack in front.

If we're lost on a countryside

We simply aim for a star

It's got a kick like
an old German luger

People can hear us
in old Chattanooga

We have horn with
the loudest ou-oo-ga

Me and my family
- Piston and camily

Me and my family
- Byron and Pamily

Me and my family car

Ou-Oo-Ga (fast music)

(engine sputtering)

- Oh, girls, we're out of gas.

- Oh no.

- On this dark deserted road.

- Oh, no, no Goldie, it
says there's still half a tank.

- No, no, no, Ruthie's right.

No, it must be
the car-ba-ta-tor.

- Yes, no, I just had
the carbatator cleaned.

It must be the generation.

- No, no, now the generation
makes the elasticity.

It must be the cyclinders.

- No, no, wait a minute.

Get the owner's manual
out of the glove compartment.

That's gotta tell us
something for heaven's sake.

- Yes, okay, all
right, here it is.

Hang on, let's go.
- That'll tell us what to do.

- Okay, um, no! (laughs)

Here it is, I see it right here.

Yes, I see it.

In the event that your
car becomes stalled

on a dark deserted road,

it's either your carbatator

or your generation
or your cyclinders.

- [Jo] Right, See.

- Naturally.

And the best thing to do is uh,

(all scream)

(fast music)

- Excuse me sir.

I'm just glad to report
that we won't have

to recall a single
car this year.

- Well now, that's
wonderful Henderson.

How did you manage that?

- Well, what we did is we tied

a huge homing pigeon to each one

and now they'll come
back by themselves.

(audience laughs)

- Get outta here.

- My dad's car has
a crank in the front.

25 years have gone
by and she's still there.

(audience laughs)

- My new car's a lot
like William F. Buckley.

Whenever I try to stop it,

it veers to the right.

(audience laughs)

- Okay Mr. Berkowitz,
here's the deal.

My boss has authorized
me to get rid of these cars

before the new ones come in,

so I can let you have
this model for $3600

and I'll only make
$100 on the deal.

- I'm terribly sorry,

but I can only afford 3,000.

- Sold.

(audience laughs)

- But if you only make
$100 on a $3600 car,

selling it for 3,000
means you lose $500.

How can you afford to do that?

- Don't worry Mr. Berkowitz.

We make it up in volume.

(audience laughs)

(fast music)

- My new car is a
lot like Gore Vidal.

Not only is it (honking),

but you try to stop it

and it veers to the left

and it changes its own oil.

- Hey sugar, could I have a
chicken salad sandwich please?

- Sure, chicken sal-san.

Hey, aren't you the man
that sold me a used car?

- Yeah, that's right. (chuckles)

- Yeah, well when I
bought it you said it was new

and now, I just found out it
was actually two years old.

- Oh, well it is two years old,

but it's never been
driven before. (chuckles)

Oh.

Oh thanks.

- Eat it on.

- This bread tastes
like it's a month old.

- It is a month old,

but it's never
been eaten before.

(audience laughs)

(fast music)

- Well, you know that
car I just bought from you?

- Mm-Hmm.

- Well, it's a lemon.

- Well, what makes you say that?

- Well, look.

(audience laughs)

(fast music)

- My wife is a magician.

Yesterday she turned our
car into a telephone pole.

(audience laughs)

- My new car is a
lot like Phyllis Diller.

It could use some body work,

needs a paint job,

and has two flats up front.

(audience laughs)

- All right gentlemen as
trainees here at Fleeger Motors,

I'm gonna give you
a little test just to see

how you're doing in
automotive mathematics.

Fair enough?

Now, if we charge
$100 for a radio

and we charge $100 for a heater

and we charge $100
for power steering,

how much does that add
to the total price of the car?

- Wacker.

- $850 sir.

- Wacker, you're hired.

(audience laughs)

When we're riding together

We know that we're gonna go far

When you drive by all
the neighbors say hotcha

They get so jealous
they whisper and watch ya

Climb in the front and
I'll throw you a gotcha

Me and my family car
Ou-Oo-Ga (applause)

(fast music)

- Duck.

- Feathers.

What'd you do that for?

- I told you to duck.

- Feathers.

(Goldie laughs)

(vaudeville music)

(audience laughs)

- I've got some good
news and some bad news.

First, I had a $10,000
burglar alarm system

installed throughout my home.

Now for the bad news.

Yesterday, someone stole it.

(audience laughs)

Between my fingers

No one asked me really why

- It is I love bug. (laughs)

I am coming around the mountain
when I come dee, dee, dee.

(laughs)

Ms. Armsby, you know
you're kind of cute. (chuckles)

Ms. Armsby, you know
you're kind of sexy. (chuckles)

Ms. Armsby, you know
you're kind of dangerous.

(audience laughs)

- Through the magic of
miniaturized television

we take you now inside
the human bloodstream.

- Keep it moving,
keep it moving.

Keep it moving,
keep it, ow, keep it...

Keep it moving.
- Oh, hey look!

It is one of those other
corpuscles (giggles).

- Hey Whitey, why don't
you go back to the aorta

where you come from.

- I can't help it if I'm
not a red corpuscle.

- Keep it moving, keep
it moving, keep it moving.

Well, everybody

will love somebody
sometime - Hey what's that?

- That's one of those
alcohol molecules.

- Yeah, the old man
must be drinking again.

Last time he got so drunk,

he fell down, cut himself

and we lost Fred,
John and Dave. (laughs)

- Go on, go on, keep it
moving, keep it moving.

- This is one our loveliest
new see through dresses,

very sheer with
just a little trim

of ostrich feathers
around the hem.

- Oh, that'll be fine.

- Would you like it gift
wrapped Mr. Osenwald?

- No, I think I'll wear it home.

(audience laughs)

- And so it is we are here
today to honor the memory

of the late Sock It to Me.

Even though it is gone,

it will live in the hearts
and memories of everyone.

You may now pay your respects

to Sock It to Me.

(funeral music)

(sobbing)

(audience laughs)

(groans)

- Oh, if only I hadn't
spoken so badly about you.

I said terrible
things about you.

All I did was
complain about you.

Oh dear Sock It to Me.

(water spraying)

(audience laughs)

Oh cute, cute, very funny.

The whole thing
is dead you said.

It's not really fair.

We're packing it in you said.

Of course and I believed y...

(water splashing)

and I get fooled, but
they won't give up.

- The past few years have
seen a significant number

of entertainers
entering politics.

Tonight Laugh-In
brings you an interview

with the most recent
government appointee.

- Ladies and Gentlemen
we're here at the United Nations

where I'm going to chat
with former child star

Mrs. Shirley "Sunshine" White.

Here she comes now.

Mrs. White hello there.

- Oh I see it.

Step on a crack and
you break your back.

(laughs)

Yes, Mrs. White I'd like
to ask you a question.

Do you think that today...

- You didn't say may I.

- Well, may I ask
you a question?

- Yes.

- Are you at all
nervous about working

and living in New York City now

because you know a lot
of people claim that it isn't

really the safest
place in the world.

- Oh no, I'm not afraid.

Not as long as
I've got my dolly.

She was bad this morning.

That's two for flinching.

(Dan laughs)

- Yeah well, anyway
Mrs. White do you have

any guiding philosophy
to help you through

a difficult day here at the UN?

- Oh yes I do.

Always do what your
mommy and daddy tell you to,

and never accept
rides from strangers.

(audience laughs)

- I see.

Well, that about
concludes the interview...

- Hey, look!

Made you look, made you look.

(laughs)

- Yeah well, our time is...

- Show me your palm.

- Uh, what?

- Show me your palm.

- Gotcha.

(laughing)

Wanna see my bloomers?

(Screaming)

(audience laughs)

- Hello again.

This is Judy Cohen super witch,

bringing you news
from the other side.

I see Lady Godiva.

I see she's not alone.

Paul Revere is going
out for a ride, too.

I see Mrs. Revere
isn't buying Paul's story

about the British are coming.

I see Hannibal crossing the Alps

and Washington
crossing the Delaware.

I see John Dillinger
crossing Al Capone.

I see Al Capone
rubbing out John Dillinger

for crossing Al Capone.

I see me being rubbed out.

I see I must've
crossed the director.

I see me back next week.

(Vaudeville music)

(audience laughs)

(banging)

(arrow swooshes)

(jovial music)

(audience laughs)

- Well I think it's about
time to say goodnight Dick.

- Well, it might be,

but I'd like to say something
to the teachers of America.

- It's time to go
to the Joke Wall.

- I know, but the
teachers are important.

- Well, I could
go along with that.

- Well, all right.

Teachers of America.

Teach another r

so that they'll be
reading, writing, 'rithmetic

and raising the
teachers' salaries.

- Hey, that's very nice.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, I didn't realize you
had such serious thoughts.

- Yes, I'd like to see all
the teachers' salaries raised.

- That's nice.

- Because I know a
teacher over in Pasadena

and I...
- I should've known.

Say good night Dick.

- Good night Dick.

- Good night teachers
and everybody.

- No, but she could (mumbles).
- You wanna go (mumbles)?

(applause) (big band music)

- Hey Ruth.

- Yeah.

- Did you hear about the
chicken that laid a 400 pound egg?

- No Byron, what about him?

- He's in a state
of shell shock.

- Well there's another
tired chicken joke.

- Carol.

- Yes Henry?

- Do you know why it
took Michelangelo so long

to paint the Sistine Chapel?

- I guess he had
to give it two coats.

(audience laughs)

- There's a new kind
of lawn up in Berkeley

that never needs mowing.

- Well, how do
they keep it short?

- I'm gonna tell you.

Twice a week 400 hippies
come in and smoke the campus.

- Wee!

- Pat.

- What?

(laughing)

- What's green and goes
up and down all day?

- An alligator operator.

(laughing)

- Not only that, but Alan.

- What sweetheart?

- Did you know that
Caesar took Gaul?

- It must've been
all that Italian food.

- Okay ladies and gentlemen,

at the sound of the tone

the time will be
exactly gotcha time.

Three, two, one.
(holding a tone)

- [All] Gotcha!

(audience laughs)

- Hey, did you know
Hannibal went over

the Alps with an elephant?

- That's nothing.

My uncle went over the
hill with a belly dancer.

(audience laughs)

- Teresa.

- Yes?

- My uncle is a
garbage collector.

- Does he like it?

- Well, it's cheaper
than collecting coins.

- Oi Judy!

What is the difference...
- What is it?

- between a buffalo and a bison?

- You'd know if you tried to
wash your hands in a buffalo.

(audience laughs)

- My mother always said
to that love will find a way.

- She never had a roommate
who never left the house.

- Yes, she did.

My father.

- Oh.

(laughing)

- [All] Keep it moving!

- What do you get when
you cross an elephant with...

- Wait a minute, wait, ow.

- Now, say it again Alan.

- She's taking the

whole plate (mumbles).
- No, this didn't wanna go.

(laughing)

- No, I think Alan
should say it again.

Come on, Alan.

- Keep it moving,
keep it moving.

- You know you could
hurt a guy that way.

(audience laughs)

Just I'm so much of this...
- Go ahead.

Say it again!

- Get your hands
off me you creep!

- Say it again.

- Hey Teresa!

- What?

- What do you get when
you cross an elephant

with one of Dick's girlfriends?

- No one cares anymore Alan!

(all laugh)

(applause)

- All in favor of closing
the Joke Wall say aye.

Good.

All in favor of keeping the
Joke Wall open say nay.

- Aye!

- Nay!

The ayes have it.

The joke wall is closed.

- [Alan] I hate this joke wall.

I've always hated it.

(all arguing)

(applause)

(fast music)

(crash)

(lid bangs)

(slapping)

(utensils clanging)

(slide whistle ascending)

(slide whistle descending)

(audience laughs)

- The preceding show
was pre-recorded.

Only the names are the
same to identify the guilty.

- That's what's known
as a plug, huh Alan?

- No, this is a plug.

(audience laughs)

- Very interesting, but
also very inside. (laughs)

- Also very adorable.

(soldier laughs)

- Well, hello Dilly. (laughs)

- That's Dolly.

- Dilly, Dolly, don't dally.

Go to my bunker.

(audience laughs)

Go to my bunker!

- (Mumbles)

- Now, now go to the bunker.

Ruthie, we're only good friends.

It's you I really love.

Good night Lucy.

Hello, Dolly.

(audience laughs)

- Ya-hab-zee!

That's a German gotcha. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- This is your offstage
announcer reminding you

it's past my bedtime.

Good night.

(tapping) (knocking)

(door squeaking)

(NBC bells chiming)