Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 8 - Episode #3.8 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

(upbeat pop rock music)

- You know, Goldie,
people are always saying

that these singles parties
are nothing but wild sex orgies.

- Well...

- But I can tell them, one
thing we don't have here.

- Really?

What's that?

- Wife swapping.

(laughter)



(upbeat pop rock music)

- Dan, I went to a
computer dating service

and got matched up
with a guy who had

the exact same interest I do.

- Oh, it must have
worked out great.

- No, not exactly.

I love to cook and sew
and I have a great big

crush on Steve McQueen.

- Oh.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Oh, Buddy!

Buddy Hackett!

Buddy, tell me a little
bit about yourself, Buddy.



- Well, I've been in the
movies and on television

and nightclubs and concerts.

I've done just about
everything, I guess.

- Oh, poor baby!

It's a shame you
can't keep a steady job.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- When I moved into
this singles' apartment,

the landlord promised
romance, thrills and

plenty of excitement,
but it was all a big lie.

- How's that?

- He hasn't asked me out once.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

(laughter)

- Jeremy?

- What?

- Talk to me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, well, Goldie, where
do you stand on The Pill?

- Stand on it?

I thought you were
supposed to swallow it!

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- I don't mind
admitting, Alan, darling,

I'm looking for a husband.

(chuckling)

- Oh, really?

- Yes, anybody's.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- I'm gonna marry a rich man.

I don't believe in struggling.

- Well, if you don't
believe in struggling,

you should be able to
get any man you want.

- Nice.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Oh, this party's
getting tiring.

Why don't we go
up to my place and

have a little rest
and relaxation?

- What do you mean?

- Well, you relax and
I'll take care of the rest.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- I don't understand why so many

TV shows are failures, Byron.

- Actually, it's as
simple as ABC.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- All the show people going
into politics seem to be actors.

You'd think some comedians
would want to get in.

- Why is that?

- Well, look at all the laughs
Governor Reagan's getting.

(laughter)

- Not at our school.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- You think the dances of
today are too suggestive?

- What difference does it make?

By the time you get around
to doing what they suggest,

you're too tired to
do anything about it.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

(applause)

- From the recovery room
of the beautiful downtown

Burbank Hospital for
the Incurably Optimistic,

NBC presents an hour that
is no worse than a bad cold,

starring the following
four-way tablets,

switch-hitting Dan Rowan and

his equally attractive sidekick,

Dick Martin, registered nurse

and special guest
human, Buddy Hackett and

this groovy group of inmates:

Judy Carne,

Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson,

Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,

plus Burbank's all-clear signal,

Whispering Jo Anne Worley,

plus ten of the
following poor folk,

Jeremy Lloyd, Teresa
Graves, Byron Gilliam,

Pamela Rodgers,

yours truly, Gary Owen and
Morgul as the Friendly Drelb.

And several guest commercials.

- I was tired of meeting
all kinds of weird men

and not getting along with them.

That's why I tried
Computo Dating Service.

The Computo people
have a scientific way of

getting the right
people together.

I no longer worry about
not having anything

in common with my dates.

Computo makes sure my date
and I have the same interests.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, there's my date now.

(laughter)

- What a gyp!

You don't have blue eyes!

(laughter)

- Just in case any of you
thought that little goodie

means that NBC is
acquiring a sense of humor,

here's something just
to prove that there are

different strokes
for different folks.

(laughter)

(cash register dinging)

- Oh, life was empty
for me until Mrs. Olson

taught me how to make coffee.

(laughter)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
I've been in show business

29 years and I've worked
with a lot of wonderful guys,

none nicer or
funnier than these...

Would you hold that
a second please?

"Wonderful guys, none nicer
or funnier than these two."

That's what it say, all right.

(laughter)

And here they are,
Dan and Dick Martin.

I didn't know they were married.

(laughter)

(applause)

- Where did they come from?

Where did they all come from?

- We've gathered them from
the highways and byways.

- They think they're at
the Gale Storm Show.

- Yes, that's right.

They've got to
bring that show back.

- I guess so.

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're happy you could
be with us tonight and

I'm awfully happy that
you came by for the show

since you seemed to not see fit

to visit us during rehearsal.

- Well, I was at a paint party.

- A paint party?

Is that important to you?

- It is if you're
painting ladies.

(laughter)

I painted a 276 pounder today.

- A 276 pounder?

- There's always
an S before two.

- I see.

- A 276 pounder.

- Boy, that's some
big lady to paint, boy.

- Yep, it is.

Not if you're, I did a
whole mural on her.

- A mural?

- They thought I
was Diego Rivera.

- At least.

Must have taken a little
while to paint a lady like that.

- No, I used a roller.

(laughter)

I painted Dean Martin singing
his theme song all over her.

Everybody loves
somebody sometime

- You old silver throat.

You going to another
pajama party tonight?

- Yes, a pajama
party at my house.

- At your house?

Having a big group?

- Well, the 276
pounder will be there.

(laughter)

- Oh, she is a lot of fun.

- Yeah, but she's
got everything.

Hey, that reminds me.

I've got to get a
pair of roller skates.

- Why is that?

- She might come topless.

(laughter)

Back to the roller!

- With you, life is
just one big party.

Is that what you're trying to...

- 26 of us had a beach party.

- You have a friend
with a beach house?

- No, I have a friend
with a station wagon.

(laughter)

- You can't get 26 people
into a station wagon.

- You can if you
take the seats out.

(laughter)

- Didn't think of that.

I'm surprised a
cop didn't see you.

- So was he.

(laughter)

- Don't tell me you
hit a policeman.

- Not exactly.

- Now, come on.

You either hit a
policeman or you didn't.

- Well, the billboard hit him.

- The billboard?

- The one we knocked over.

(laughter)

- You call that fun.

- Well, sure, it's always fun
to park at a beach, unless...

- Unless what?

- Unless you park at low tide.

A shark ate my date.

- I don't want to hear it.

(laughter)

- Some of the sequins
were still stuck in his teeth.

(laughter)

- I said I don't want
to hear about it.

- And one of the roller skates.

(laughter)

- Now, you really expect
me to believe a shark

swallowed a 276 pound girl?

- All I know is that every time
that shark opens his mouth,

all you can hear is

Everybody loves
somebody sometime

(laughter)

- It's time again for
Manhattan Merry-Go-Round,

songs sung so clearly,
you can understand every

(slurring and mumbling)

(laughter)

(orchestral version of
Pop Goes The Weasel)

(laughter)

- How about a
Letter To Laugh-In,

all you send-inner send-ins?

Anyway, here's one that
earned $2 for Hal Borden

of Indian Rocks Beach, Florida.

- My car uses two
quarts of oil a day.

- Is that a lot?

- For just the door hinges?

(laughter)

- Hello again, all
you dear mothers.

Tonight, your Mamma
Jo Anne has a few special

beauty hints for you all.

I need a little more
flour in my grog.

Mothers, try this.

First, take a nice,
refreshing milk bath.

Now, apply a rich, egg
shampoo and an oatmeal pack.

Now, just don't let the
bathroom get too hot

or you'll wind up with cookies.

(laughter)

All over your body!

Now, mothers, I'd like
to leave you with two

really beautiful words.

Are you ready?

Paul Newman.

(laughter)

- I have some good
news and some bad.

First, my wife was involved in a

beating and a
mugging in the park.

Now, for the bad news.

The guy says he's gonna
sue her for assault and battery

and he's gonna get her.

(laughter)

- Oh, curse this nose
that grows just like a rose

from out the earthy
contours of my face.

I would give my life away
and live but only for a day

if I could shed this nose
and give it to another

and tell this lady
I'm her lover.

(thunder crashing)

It was my words, my
love, my heart, my soul.

My mistake.

(laughter)

- Oh, curse this nose
that grows like a rose

from out the earthy
contours of my face that

I could give it to someone,

I'd be so thrilled
and delighted.

(thunder crashing)

Oh, curse this nose
that grows and grows!

(thunder crashing)

(laughter)

Curse this nose that grows!

(laughter)

(jaunty orchestral music)

(alarm clock ringing)

(jaunty orchestral music)

- But honey, I'm your wife.

If I don't tell you, who will?

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

(dramatic orchestral fanfare)

- Ladies and
gentlemen, he made it!

102 stories to the top!

Herbert the Human Fly!

Herbert, say something
to the television audience.

- Oh!

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

(laughter)

- Help!

Thank heavens you're here!

Get me out of here!

- I'll have to come
back tomorrow, Mister.

I've already done my
good deed for today.

- Oh!

(laughter)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Time now for news of
better deal that we ever got.

(laughter)

(cash register dinging)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Joy.

- Schtick.

- Boy, my wife's gonna kill me.

I just got these clothes
back from the cleaners.

(laughter)

(dramatic percussive music)

(train engine chugging)

(laughter)

Is it a bird Is it a plane

Is it a mystery hard to explain

Is it a mystery
No it's not No it's

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope will amuse

We just love to
give you our views

La Da Dee Dah Ladies and gents

Laugh-In looks at the news!

Here's Dan!

(applause)

(laughter)

- And now, with the
news of the present,

here's a man whom the
news wouldn't be the news

without the news, here's Drippy.

(applause)

- I'm dry, you ding-dong.

(laughter)

- Okay, here's Drip-Dry
Dickie, the Ding-Dong.

(laughter)

(lush orchestral fanfare)

(applause)

- Hollywood, California.

Gloom has settled over
the movie colony with

the current slow-down in
motion picture production.

Studios have
suffered great losses

as attendance keep falling off.

Presently, there
are only two pictures

being shot in Hollywood,

one like this, one like this.

(laughter)

That's one.

In order to boost attendance,

the New York Yankees
and the Baltimore Orioles...

(laughter)

In order to boost
attendance, (laughter)

the New York Yankees
and the Baltimore Orioles

played the first nude
baseball game yesterday.

Playing in the nude
increased attendance

but it cut down on sliding
into second base, all right?

(laughter)

Okay, Goldie, it's all yours.

(drumroll)

(giggling)

- Boy, you surprised me.

(giggling)

- Los Angeles, 1989,
20 years from now,

concern is being voiced...

- Goldie, that's mine.

- Well, Drip-Dry Dickie
Ding-Dong said it was all mine.

- Well, he meant for
you to introduce me.

(laughter)

- Why should I?

You know who you are.

(laughter)

- I keep forgetting.

Hanoi, 1989, 20 years from now.

The last American troops
were finally withdrawn

from Viet Nam this month.

General Keye, angered by
what he called an act of desertion,

declared war on
the United States.

(laughter)

Under the terms of
the SEATO Treaty,

President Shirley Temple
was forced to dispatch

500,000 more American
troops to support General Keye

in his struggle against
the United States.

- And now, for the
news of the past,

Laugh-In goes bumping
happily backwards to the days

when Robert E.
Briscoe, an Irish Jew,

was Mayor of Dublin.

(jaunty upbeat music)

- It's you Catholics who
are causing all the agony

and all the unrest.

- Huh, we all know the
troubles with you Protestants.

- Some of this fighting
is getting fierce!

I mean, something's
got to be done!

- Worry not, Maureen.

The Mayor of Dublin is
here to help make peace.

- Catholic troublemaker!

- Protestant rioter!

- Gentlemen, please don't fight.

After all, we're all Irish.

(laughter)

- Hi, government buffs.

It's Pammy, your
man in Washington.

(laughter)

This week, your Pammy
went to Paris, France

for the Peace Talks.

Some Peace Talks!

All they talked about was war.

(laughter)

However, I did
learn to say, oui oui!

(laughter)

Maybe next trip, I'll
learn to say no no!

(laughter)

I hope so.

(laughter)

See you next week.

- Hello, I'm talking
today with one of

the postal supervisors here
in Sacramento, California.

Sir, it's been claimed
that it often can take up

to four days for regular
mail to go from Sacramento

to Los Angeles, a
distance of about 400 miles.

Is that report true?

- I'm afraid I'll
have to admit, lady,

that that's the truth.

- Sir, isn't that a bit
strange that four days today,

when in 1860, the Pony
Express made the same trip

in only three and a half days?

How do you explain that?

- It's very simple, lady.

Them horses are must older now.

(laughter)

There's one who runs,
we have to hold his foot.

- I bet on him!

La Da Dee Dah Ladies and gents

Laugh-In looks at
the news (laughter)

(applause)

(jaunty orchestral music)

(laughter)

- I gotta tell you
about my aunt.

- Yeah, I haven't
heard much about her.

- Well, she was up at Deluxe
Hillside and she was doing...

- Yeah, I understand
it's a pretty nice place.

- Would you hold my hat for me?

I busted my suspenders.

- I'm sorry.

She was up at Deluxe
Hillside and she was,

what she was doing...

- I guess she must
have gotten an invitation.

- No, she was
performing up there,

(laughter)

but she hadn't picked
up the dance team.

So, they're going
by the Red Apple...

(laughter)

- To get the dance team?

- To get the dance team.

- She had the car, right?

(laughter)

- She had the car.

So, she was covering
up for the comic,

who I think was Gene Bayless...

- Sonny Sands.

- Sonny Sands and Gene Bayless.

- They were doing
a double that night.

(laughter)

- Excuse me.

- I got it on.

- So, what happened
was, they went on ahead

and the dance team followed.

- You mean she opened
and they came after.

- She had a big sign.

- It's all right now.

Thank you very much.

(laughter)

- Well, it was
great show, though.

- Great show.

(applause)

(slow gentle music)

- Are the hors d'oeuvres
ready yet, my bon-bon?

Our guests will be
arriving any moment.

- Here they are now, darling.

(laughter)

- My, those look good.

(laughter)

And they taste good, too.

- How about a drink, darling?

- That is a good idea.

(laughter)

(glass shattering)

Say when.

(laughter)

- That's fine, darling.

Here's to you, my love.

- And here's to
you, my dumpling.

(laughter)

Would you like
another, my angel?

- I'd better not.

Look how I get when I drink.

(laughter)

(doorbell ringing)

- Why, that must be the Smiths.

(laughter)

- Rosemary, how
nice to see you again.

(laughter)

(applause)

- There he is, there he is!

Ladies and
gentlemen, he made it!

102 stories to the top,
Herbert the Human Fly!

- Oh, son!

Son, my son, you made it!

(screaming)

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

(laughter)

(coughing)

- For heaven's sakes,
Mabel, stand up straight!

You too, Gertrude.

(jazzy fanfare)

- Rubber.

- Duck.

- Buddy, have I
got news for you.

I just found out
what NBC stands for.

- NBC?

- Nothing but commercials.

(laughter)

(cash register dinging)

- Hey Teresa?

I just found out what IGY means.

- IGY?

- I got ya!

(laughter)

- Whoopee!

- Dumb, dumb, dumb.

- That was good!

Everybody loves
somebody sometime

(jazzy fanfare)

- Whoopee.

- Cushion.

(laughter)

- Ladies and
gentlemen, he made it.

102 stories to the top,
Herbert the Human Fly!

Nice going, Herbert.

- Herbert, how about
you posing for one

of you and your
sister together, huh?

- Sure, come on up, Sis.

Come on up there.

(screaming)

(jaunty orchestral music)

(laughter)

- You look tired tonight.

- Yeah, I spent yesterday
on the houseboat with

Van Cliburn, Dick Van
Dyke and Van Johnson.

- Is that a naughty line?

- You look tired tonight.

- Yeah, I spent yesterday
on the houseboat with

Van Cliburn, Dick Van
Dyke and Van Johnson.

- That is a naughty line.

(laughter)

- Sounds like a fun group.

- Well, it was til
a storm came up.

First, Van Cliburn
fell overboard.

That's a frightening thing
to hear someone yell,

"Cliburn overboard!"

(laughter)

- It scares me.

You recovered him though, huh?

- Oh, sure.

Then Van Johnson
must have fallen,

because the next
thing I heard was,

"Johnson overboard!"

(laughter)

- And then?

- Well, Van Dyke must
have fallen overboard

because I swear I heard...

- Let's go to the party.

You're all invited.

(laughter)

(applause)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Speaking of cars,

Boris and I almost had
an accident last night

but fortunately, a
policeman made us move on.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Moses may have
dropped the tablets

as he came down the mountain,

but you should not refer to
them as the Rolling Stones.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Hey, Goldie, do you
like powdered milk?

- Well, I think it
makes me sneeze.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- What would you say if I were
to take you to my apartment...

- Yes, yes, go on.

- That's what I was
hoping you'd say.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- My daughter-in-law is
an awful housekeeper.

You ought to see my room!

It's a mess!

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Oh, Buddy, I hear that
CBS is thinking of putting on

a nude show version of Hee-Haw.

- Once again, sex
rears its ugly head.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Teresa, I understand
they're running

an experiment in Washington.

A few Congressmen are
going to live on welfare budgets.

- Hm, well, I've got
a better idea, Dan.

Let's have a few welfare people

live on a Congressman's budget.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- My mother told me that girls

shouldn't be kissed
on a first date.

But, that doesn't bother me.

I never go out with girls.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- You know, sex
education in schools have

some parents uptight.

They don't want their kids
to fail but, on the other hand,

they get pretty shook up when

they come home
with straight A's.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- A group of hippies on campus
solved their bathing problem.

They moved into a
five-day deodorant pad.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- You know, we had an air
pollution problem in London.

But nobody knew about
it because of the fog.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- I just finished my
latest underground movie.

It's all about a young man
who rides his motorcycle nude

over the roughest
roads in America.

(laughter)

I call it Uneasy Rider.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- It is easier for the peacock
to show his true colors

than for the lion to
swallow his pride.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Industry has contributed
so much to warfare,

maybe they can get the Pentagon
down to a four-day war week.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

(applause)

- You can imagine the rabbi's
surprise when he discovered

that the Green
Hornet was a WASP.

(laughter)

- Gee, Dad, it's great of
you to bring me to Laugh-In.

- I'd rather have you here
on it than home watching it.

(laughter)

- Now, how about
a couple of quickies.

- Well, I really don't care.

- What's the matter?

- Well, I saw a very sad
thing at the zoo the other day.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Have you ever seen
a depressed camel?

- Well, not in the
past few days.

- Well, this camel,
last Sunday at the zoo,

was so depressed his
hump was on the bottom.

(laughter)

- As I was saying,
here's some quickies.

(knocking)

- [Henry] Police!

Open up in there!

- Just a minute, man.

(knocking)

- [Henry] Open up or we're
gonna break the door down!

- Okay, okay, okay.

I'm coming, man.

Just a minute.

(laughter)

(knocking)

- All right, we know
you've got the stuff.

Where's it hidden?

- I don't know what
you're talking about, man.

(slide whistle whistling)

(laughter)

- You an undercover cop?

- No, I'm a showgirl.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Congratulations,
Mr. Hookstratten,

on being one of the
very first to purchase

an oceanfront lot here
at Sunny Shell Shores.

- Thank you very much.

I think I'll go out right now
and see what it looks like.

- Well, I'm sorry, but
you'll have to wait to see

your lot until about 5:30.

- Oh?

Oh, that's when
my deed comes in.

- No, that's when
the tide goes out.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- What do you mean
I've got that married look?

(laughter)

- Tsk tsk tsk.

- Doctor, what's wrong?

- I wish you'd come
to see me a week ago.

- Why? Why?

- Because a week ago,
my wife was out of town

(laughter)

and I was here by myself
and I had my whole allowance.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- You know when I
went away to Yale,

you were just a skinny
little kid with freckles,

braces on your
teeth and well, now,

you're all filled
out and grown up.

(laughter)

- Sir, Sir, we've completed
the Army's M-46 project

and we're 4% under
our estimated budget.

- Great Caesar!

Where did we go wrong?

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- I think I'll have
one of those.

What are they?

- They're lucky charms.

- Oh, good, I'll take one.

(laughter)

Why?

There's no reason
for that at all.

Why?

You're so unkind!

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

(jaunty orchestral music)

(laughter)

- Quick, honey, sign this.

- What?

- It's the increase on
your life insurance policy.

(laughter)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Oh!

(laughing)

- Jo Anne, Jo Anne,
we already did that.

- I know, but got you again!

(jazzy fanfare)

- Buddy.

- Hackett.

(laughter)

- Oh, oh, little girl, help me!

Help me!

- My mommy told me
never to talk to strangers.

How come you're so short?

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

- Down.

(slide whistle whistling)

London, Paris, Hong Kong, Rome

May not have the charm of home

But before I'm counted out

And laid upon the shelf

I wanna see them for myself

We booked the tour
We picked the spots

We've had the passport pictures

And the shots We sally forth

To find romance

And girls, it's goodbye, Burbank

Hello, France
We've tied the knot

We're newly wed

We'd like a single
room with double beds

- No, that's not right!

We're gonna love our honeymoon

Because it's bye-bye,
Burbank Hi, Rangoon

A whirlwind tour
is all the craze

We'll visit 17
countries in 13 days

You won't believe
the things to do

If you can habla or
sprechen or parlez-vous

- Donde est el water
closet, mein herr?

- Sil vous plait?

- Prego.

- Presto.

- Pronto.

Now that the kids
are nearly grown

It's time we made some
whoopee on our own

And if we're bored
we won't complain

About the strain of
the plane or the train

At last it's so long,
Burbank Cha-Cha Spain

We're on a tour And this is us

The group that giggles and
waves from the tourist bus

You won't believe the souvenirs

It may be junk but we'll
keep it for years and years

And years and years
The tour was great

The food was great
The Prado's keen

And really clean

And can that Tower
of Pisa really lean

I loved the Queen

We're like a ball
that's just been hurled

And when I think how
I've knitted and purled

It's goodbye, Burbank Hello

Bye-Bye, Burbank
Hello So long, Burbank

Hello, world!

- Arrivederci, Roma.

(applause)

- Well, as you
may have gathered,

tonight the Mod, Mod
World takes a look

at the world around us.

- You know, I had a wonderful
week in Rome one time.

- Oh, really?

There's a lot of beautiful
sights to see in Rome.

- I guess.

You know, you stand on
the corner of the Via Veneto

on a windy day and
you see them all.

(laughter)

- You think you really
get the feel of a city

on a windy street corner?

- You get the right
street corner and you do.

(laughter)

- Of course, you
had a beautiful guide.

- Did I ever!

- Showed you all the sights?

- Did she ever!

- Did you have any
trouble with the language?

- No, I speak the
language of love.

- What do you mean,
the language of love?

Suppose you bump
into a nice Italian girl.

What do you say?

- Well, I'll drink that!

- What would you say?

You'll drink that?

(laughter)

- I'll drink to that, too.

- What would you say, then?

- Gotcha!

(laughter)

- Oh, no.

Well, did your guide show
you any of the ancient ruins?

- Why worry about old broads?

(laughter)

- Did she take you to the
Coliseum or the Forum?

Did she show you where
Brutus gave it to Caesar?

- No, but she showed me
where Sophia gave it to...

(laughter)

- You trying to tell me you
spent a whole week in Rome and

you never saw any of
the real Italian sights?

- Of course not.

We drove around the city on
the way to her uncle's shop.

- Her uncle's shop?

- Yeah.

- What's he do?

- He's a glass-blower.

- Oh, that sounds
like interesting work.

- Yeah, when we got
there he was blowing a big

fuschia and puce Italian urn.

(laughter)

- What's an Italian urn?

- Oh, about a buck
and a half an hour.

(laughter)

- Oh, that's it.

- Gotcha!

(laughter)

- I cannot believe
that even you would

stoop to an old
joke as bad as that.

- Forgive me.

I don't know what came over me.

- Well, let's go back a
few lines and skip the joke.

- All right, okay.

- I'm ashamed of you.

- I'm sorry.

Start anywhere you want to.

- Are you trying to tell me?

I'm starting over, you see.

- Right.

- Are you trying to tell me
you spent a whole week

in Rome and didn't see
any of the real Italian sights?

- Of course not.

I spent a whole day
down by the seashore.

- [Dan] Down by the seashore?

- Yeah, we were watching
the fishermen repair their nets.

- Oh, that sounds interesting.

- Oh, it is.

You know, those
Italian fishermen,

they've been at
it for centuries.

They know a lot of
tricks we don't, you know.

- Is that so?

- For example,
just in the fish nets,

there's a world of
difference, you know.

- Is that a fact?

- See, here in America,
we think a good net

is made out of nylon webbing.

- Oh yeah?

Well, what's a good Italian net?

- About a buck
and a half an hour.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

(jaunty upbeat music)

- What a day, what a day.

Oh, do I need a drink.

- Sure, and what'll it be?

- Are you sure you're Irish?

- Black Irish, I am.

(laughter)

And all my family's green
with envy, I might add.

- Then give us a
couple of beers, Colleen.

Oh, how a man works
up a terrible thirst

fighting all day in
the streets of Ireland.

- That's some fighting
you did, Paddy Rafferty.

You had your sight set wrong,
you ran out of ammunition

and your bayonet fell off.

And you call yourself
a good Catholic!

- Which reminds me, Paddy,

since I don't get
into the streets much,

can you tell me how can you tell

a Protestant from a
Catholic by looking at them?

How do you know
who to shoot, man?

- I take me gun
and I load it and

I point it out in the
street and I pull the trigger

and whoever falls
is a Protestant!

(laughter)

- Sure and begonia!

- That's begorra!

- Oh, gotcha.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- You know, the desert has
a certain beauty all of its own.

You notice the pyramids
and the Sphinx over there.

- Who are those guys?

- [Judy] Probably members
of the Egyptian Army outpost.

- Captain Mustafa, what is the
Egyptian armament situation?

- Oh, Sire, there are
over 200, 200 tanks, Sire.

- That is very good.

- There are also, Sire,
400 planes, airplanes.

- That is also very good.

- It's good, yes.

There are also, Sire, would
you believe 600 field guns.

- That is very, very good.

- But, they are
all in Israel, Sire.

(laughter)

- That is very bad.

- That is bad.

Tell me, tell me, General,
what are we doing wrong?

When was the last time you
saw the Egyptian army win a war?

- Let me think.

It was in the
second act of Aida.

(laughter)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Oombah oombah!

Kill the gorilla!

Oombah oombah!

Get the gorilla!

Oombah oombah!

Kill the gorilla!

- Hold it, hold it!

What's going on here?

- We electing new chief.

We place gorilla in cage.

Everybody gather around.

We turn him loose.

Whoever kill gorilla,
we make him new chief.

Turn the gorilla loose!

- No!

Don't turn the gorilla loose.

I have come from a great
land far across the seas

to teach you a new
way to elect a chief.

- Oh?

How you elect chief?

- Well, it's very simple.

I have these few
simple steps here.

Let me have your carpenter's
kit, your hammer and your...

Here, hold this on your chest.

(laughter)

See, now you start off with
a declaration of candidacy.

Now, guys say that they're
gonna be a candidate,

but they don't really mean that.

Some of them say, "I'm
not gonna," but in there...

That's not a good
thing for you to know.

(laughter)

See, the state primaries.

The state primaries is
where they get together and

some candidates
enter but then others...

(laughter)

Here, you have the
party convention.

At the party convention,
you select the candidate that

the people really want
to represent them...

It's the party who
want... (laughter)

The people don't... (laughter)

Here, going right along
with Step Number Four,

we have the election.

The election is when all
the people vote in the country

and then, in the garbage and

they get the Electrical College,

but there's no wires.

(laughter)

They just get a few
people from every state and

they meet and then...

You wanna be smart?

Turn the gorilla loose!

- [All] Oombah
oombah, kill the gorilla!

(laughter)

- Governments in Latin
America are like babies.

They're constantly
being changed.

(laughter)

- Do you realize that in India,

cows walk in the
streets unmolested?

- Oh, yeah, who would
want to mug a cow

and then be left
holding the bag?

(laughter)

There's no use for
something like that.

(giggling)

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Anything particularly
memorable about the trip, Richard?

- Well, there was
this lady in Istanbul.

- Anything to declare?

- Of course not.

What do you think I
am, a blabbermouth?

(laughter)

- I guess that about wraps
up our look at the world today.

What did you think of it?

- Well, it's a
nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't
want to live there.

(laughter)

(car horn honking)

(triumphant fanfare)

- He made it!

102 stories to the top,
Herbert the Human Fly!

- Of all the silly
nincompoops, Herbert!

You take the cake!

Spending all of your time
climbing up and down,

day and night,
outside of buildings!

You should go to work
like other husbands do

and earn a living.

- No!

(slide whistle whistling)

(jaunty upbeat music)

(laughter)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Eager.

- Beaver.

(laughter)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Roly.

- Poly.

(triumphant fanfare)

- He made it!

102 stories to the top,
Herbert the Human Fly.

- Oh!

- Congratulations!

- Thank you, thank you.

- Herbert, as
Mayor of this city,

I would like to present
you with the key to the city.

- Oh!

(slide whistle whistling)

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

(laughter)

- While the rest
of America sleeps,

one man stays ever alert,
ever vigilant, ever ready,

the man whose batteries
are always on charge,

eight-star General Bull Wright.

(military bugle fanfare)

- All right, America.

Shape up or ship out.

General Bull Wright here.

Drop your socks
and grab your pencils.

(laughter)

You will take notes.

Now, hear this.

No, now hear this.

(laughter)

It's time to wake up, America.

Foreign influence has
taken over our country

and if you don't believe
it, I say bullfeathers!

(laughter)

Look around you.

Foreign cars, foreign
foods, foreign movies.

Where will it stop?

Why should we permit
foreigners to interfere with us

here on our native soil when
they're already interfering

with us in Viet Nam and Korea?

(laughter)

I'll leave you with this

thought-provoking
question, friends.

Where would our space
program be if it were

in the hands of foreigners
instead of one of our own men,

like Wernher Von, Wernher
Van, Wernher Von Braun?

Brown?

Wernher Von Braun,
that Kraut friend of ours.

(laughter)

Okay, America, at ease.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Remember this, the only sure
American is a pure American.

Tonight's commentary
has been brought to you

by Selective Service System,

the group that cares
enough to send the very best.

(laughter)

- Hey, all you
Marines, I love you from

the halls of your Montezuma
to the shores of your Tripoli.

(laughter)

And that's a lot of love.

Marines, sound off!

(giggling)

(orchestral version of
Pop Goes The Weasel)

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, lord, it's those
Farnsbys, honey.

- Oh, the nerve of
them sending a telegram

saying they were
coming for the weekend.

Oh, hello!

- Hello!

- Come right in.

- Hi.

- So nice of you to come.

(claws scratching)

Excuse me, it's my brother.

He thinks he's a
dog, so humor him

(laughter)

Come on in, Rover.

(dog whining)

It's all right, boy,
they're friends.

(dog barking)

- Oh! He bit me!

- Rover, you naughty dog!

Naughty, naughty Rover!

- Oh, look how sweet.

He's begging for forgiveness.

(laughter)

- How long has
he been like that?

- Just a couple of weeks,

but the psychiatrist
says he'll be all right.

He'll snap out of it, but
you have to humor him.

(dog growling)

- Ow!

- [Alan] Say, honey,
didn't we leave

the water running or something?

- Yes, the water running.

We have to go.

- Yes, we have to...

- He probably thinks
you're going for a walk.

- We won't be able to stay.

- All right, good-bye.

(laughing)

I thought we'd
never get rid of them.

Did you see the
look on their faces?

- What a great idea,
pretending to be a dog

just to get rid of them.

- Do you mind if
I'm myself again?

- No, of course not.

- Thank heavens.

Pretty Polly!

Polly want a cracker!

(laughter)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Aw, gee, Dad.

Can't we leave now?

- No, I told you.

Your punishment is to
be here for a full hour!

(pleasant upbeat music)

- [Kids] Hi Uncle Al!

- Hi, kids!

Hi, kiddies!

This is Uncle Al
The kiddies' pal

Hello little friends Hello!

Oh, hi kiddies.

(laughter)

Now, oh, that didn't
hurt you, did it?

- [Melissa] Uncle Al, he bit me!

- I bet.

(laughter)

Oh, Uncle Al had a lot
of medicine last night.

(laughter)

Whee!

- [Melissa] We want
to see you, Uncle Al.

- Melissa can't see Uncle Al.

Melissa!

Pull your dress down!

Well, kiddies,
today it's Uncle Al's

Aren't These Gonna Be
Fun Kit and what do we have?

It's a taffy pull, just like
Grandma used to make.

I hated that woman.

(laughter)

- [Melissa] I love my
Grandma, Uncle Al.

- I bet you do.

Oh, kid, remember her?

(laughter)

Now, kids, it's yummy,
yummy taffy and we pull it

like this here, here.

Oh, I can't pull this.

Who thought of this?

- [Roger] I love you, Uncle Al.

- I bet you do, Roger,
now get out of the studio.

(laughter)

- [Melissa] Can I
have some, Uncle Al?

Gimme some!

- First, get the fuzz on Roger.

(laughter)

Okay, okay kids.

That was the taffy pull.

- [Melissa] Can I have
some taffy, Uncle Al?

- You certainly can.

(screaming)

Oh, did that hurt, Melissa?

This was Uncle
Al The kiddies' pal

(laughter)

- Ernest?

On your way down,
take the garbage.

(laughter)

Thank you, darling.

(jaunty upbeat music)

(jazzy fanfare)

- Polka.

- Hontas.

(laughter)

- I certainly hope you
enjoyed the show tonight.

Anything you'd like to
say before we depart?

- Yes.

Just in case any of you
out there in television-land

don't understand all the jokes,

I personally would be
more than happy to clear up

any questions you might have.

- Now, I wish you'd clear
these things with me before...

- So, if any of you have any
questions, just write to us:

Martin and Martin,
care of Laugh-In...

- [Dan] Martin and Martin?

(laughter)

- And include your home address.

- [Dan] Wait a minute...

- One of us will stop by
and clear up anything.

(laughter)

- Now, hold it.

- Be sure and put down
if you're male or female.

- All right, you can't
do that on television.

- Also your age,
measurement and weight.

- Say goodnight, Dick.

(laughter)

- Also, if you're alone and
in good general health...

- Say goodnight, Dick.

Goodnight, Dick.

Goodnight, everybody!

(lush orchestral fanfare)

(applause)

- Richard?

- [Dick] Yeah, babe?

- That's you, Dick.

Look at me!

What do you get when you
cross a stripper with an orange?

- I don't know, what?

- An orange that peels itself.

(laughter)

- Wait a minute, is that
another navel jokes?

Joke, or whatever
the case may be.

(laughter)

- Judy, how can you tell when
a hippopotamus is pregnant?

- I don't know, how?

- She just has that
special glow about her.

(laughter)

- Hey, Byron?

- Yes?

- Do you know what they'd
call Fred McMurray's TV show

if he was replaced
by Jackie Gleason?

- No, what?

- My Three Tons.

(laughter)

- Can I have it?

- What?

- What do you do for
a giraffe with whiplash?

- You get him a
three-foot-long neck brace

and a six-foot-high lawyer.

(laughter)

- Hey, Arthur Rubenstein?

- Oh, yes, Dr. Sues.

- What do you do in
the case of dandruff?

- Well, that depends
on where it is,

but I would say I
would dye my hair white

and walk very slowly.

- But I can't!

- Hey, Arte?

- Oh Art?

This is us.

- Where's Arte?

- Where is he?

- Arte?

- Just a minute.

- Yes, I'm listening.

- I have to go back
and look at my script.

(laughter)

- Hey, I went to
Europe this summer and

I saw something nobody got over.

- What was that, Dick?

- The Berlin Wall.

(laughter)

- Hey, Henry?

- Yes, Pam?

- Henry, my boyfriend
couldn't take me out last night

because he had poison ivy.

- Oh, so what did you do?

- He invited me up
to see his itchings.

(laughter)

- Hey, Dan?

- Yes, Jeremy?

- Why do they call police
officers "peace officers?"

- Beats me.

(laughter)

- Ruth?

- What?

- Why doesn't Rock
Hudson make more movies?

- Oh, Goldie, you
know how hard it is

to get parts for a Hudson.

(laughter)

- Last night I dreamed I was
dancing with Sophia Loren.

- Oh, gee, Alan,
sounds like fun.

- It certainly was.

I dreamed I was Mickey Rooney.

(laughter)

How's that for a
case of the shorts?

(laughter)

- Jo Anne?

- Yes, Buddy Hackett?

- Do you want a date
with a Swiss bell-ringer?

- Well, no thanks, I mean,

I heard he was
a real ding-a-ling.

(laughter)

- Oh yeah?

Well, I'm about
to ring his chime!

- Uh-Oh!

Knock, knock, Goldie!

- A shoe!

- No, wait a minute.

(laughter)

Wait a minute.

No, wait, I'll do it again.

- [Dick] Do it again.

- Go back, go back.

- [Dick] Okay, Jo Anne.

- Oh, Goldie?

- Yes?

- Here's a question for you.

- Yes?

- Now, it's not going to
be hard, so don't be afraid.

What do you wear on your foot?

- A shoe!

- Gesundheit!

(laughter)

- Uh, Dan?

- Yes?

- [Buddy] Take two
aspirin and a hot cup of tea.

(laughter)

- What do you want, Goldie?

- What do you wear on your foot?

- A sock.

- No, a shoe.

- [All] Gesundheit!

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

- Oh, you mean "hooray!"

Come on, Byron,
we're free at last!

(laughter)

(jaunty upbeat music)

(giggling)

- The preceding show
was pre-recorded earlier.

If it had been
post-recorded later,

you couldn't have
seen it yet, could you?

Think about it.

Also, think about
Letters To Laugh-In,

every afternoon, Monday
through Friday on NBC TV.

- Very interesting, but
definitely a cross-plug.

(laughter)

- I always thought a
cross-plug was an angry horsey.

- Who parked this tank here?

Go to your room, Buddy Hackett.

(one person clapping)