Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 7 - Episode #3.7 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(peppy music)
- Ah!
(laughing)
What else would you
wear with basic black?
(laughing)
A giggle has been
known to lead to laughter
And laughter has been
known to lead to joy
And joy is something no one here
Can buy in a store
Sent through the mail
Bring to your door
And joy is just another
word for pleasure
And pleasure makes
you happy as a pup
So tell a jokus
and try some hokus
And everybody laugh it up
Ha, ha and everybody laugh it up
(cymbals clanging)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Wilson!
- Yes, yes?
- You know what I
wonder most of all?
I wonder why so many girls
are going around without bras.
- Must be truth
part of the new law
on truth in packaging.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Listen Goldie do you
think that the Tobacco Lobby
is good for the people?
- Yes it gives them a place
to smoke during intermission.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Jude.
- What is it Bronze Beauty?
- Do you know what
advertising agencies consider
the three best ways
to sell a product?
- I don't know what?
- Sex and if that
fails, you try some sex
and then as a last resort,
you lay a little sex on 'em.
- Well one of those
three will do it every time.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Arte.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Gotcha.
- Gotcha who?
- Got you.
(giggling)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Hello Ruthie.
- Hi, I heard
something the other day
that makes me think
Russia and China
may have gone to war.
- What's that?
- Boom!
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Flip Wilson,
why aren't you back - Yes, yes,
- there with us?
- Yes.
- You know...
- Anyway I think - Yep
- they should make - Yes, yes
William Buckley man of the year.
- Will is that so?
- Yes, yes.
In 1924.
- I don't understand.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Arte, I've been
invited to have dinner
at the Marquis d' Sade's house.
- Oh, what's he having?
- I don't know, he said
he'd whip something up.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Henry, do you know
Shakespeare's play
Much Ado About Nothing?
- Yes, it's all about
Audrey Hepburn's
new see-through blouse.
(laughing)
- Well she said she'd
whip something up.
(laughing)
(cymbals clanging)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Where's the English boy?
Ah, there you are.
- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
- Listen Jeremy they're teaching
sex education in the
American high schools now.
- Oh, Dan that's nothing.
In England we learn to
multiply in the 3rd grade.
- Oh swell.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
A tee hee has been known
to lead to ha, ha, ha, ha
And ha, ha, ha can
win the lovin' cup.
Let's try a giggle,
a wink and wiggle
And everybody laugh it up Ha, ha
Everybody laugh
it up (applauding)
- And now from the
back room of the beautiful
downtown Burbank Sanitarium
and Gooseberry Park,
NBC pays off an election bet
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring in the golden
tonsil of Dan Rowan
and the flashing
foot of his delightful
manservant Dick Martin.
With special guest,
Flip Star Wilson
and these great
supporters, Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzze, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues.
Not to omit the seldom seen,
but always heard Jo Anne Worley.
And this special
bunch of cuckoos
Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam, with this
special addition, Jack Riley
and yours truly Morgul
the friendly Drelb.
Gary Owens will
not be seen tonight.
However he is
available later inside
every large economy
package of catnip
and now while all you cats nip,
here's something to put
in your pipe and smoke.
(gasping)
- Oh, well if my
breath bothers you,
the engagement's off!
(huffing)
(laughing)
- Oh, listen honey,
my husband was dead.
(laughing)
- It's not always easy.
(laughing)
- Well if my breath bothers you,
the engagement's off.
(laughing)
(laughing)
We gotta think, we gotta
think of Pasadena Playhouse!
(laughing)
- That's better, much better.
(gasping)
- Oh, well if my
breath bother's you,
the engagement's off.
(huffing)
(laughing)
- Oh, listen honey (laughing)
(laughing)
- I can hear your breath stink.
(laughing)
Well, if my breath bothers
you, the engagement's off!
(huffing)
- Listen honey, you think
you've got bad (laughing)
- Well, if my breath bothers
you, the engagement's off!
(laughing)
(laughing)
If my breath bothers
you the engagement's off.
- Oh, listen honey,
my husband once said
that I had breath that
would melt Mount Rushmore.
You know what I did?
Huh?
You know what I did?
(laughing)
- Don't go away
cause now is the time
for NBC to ring
it's chimes, whoo!
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- And now, here are
the stars of Laugh-In,
Dan whoo!
And the lovely Dick whoo!
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Alright, I'm gonna
have to fight them off.
- Oh, yes I see.
Get a big stick.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
We're awfully happy you
could have been with us tonight
and we hope that
you enjoyed the show.
No better than that we
hope you enjoy the show.
Anything you'd
like to add to that?
- If you want your
wish to come true,
put a piece of Liberace
under your pillow tonight.
(laughing)
- Do you think that's funny?
- Well I don't
know, I've never had
a piece of Liberace
under my pillow.
(laughing)
- Oh, yeah I guess.
Hey, sleeping
is quite a subject.
You look kinda tired.
- I couldn't close
my eyes all night.
- May I?
- Thank you.
- What kept you awake?
- Well I was wondering if
Moshe Dayan was winking at me.
(laughing)
- Well it could be
the height of futility.
- No, no, the height of futility
is being in a washroom
in a filling station
and suddenly remembering
you forgot your pencil.
That's futility.
(laughing)
- Don't seem to be getting
anyplace with you tonight.
So in desperation folks, I'll
bring up his favorite subject.
Met any interesting
girls lately?
- Set of identical twins.
- Identical, that
sounds promising.
- Best deal I've had going yet.
- Yeah?
How's that?
- Well, it's always nice
to have a back up girl.
(laughing)
- Well, what are their
names, he asked.
- Nancy.
- Well, what's the
other one's name?
- Nancy.
- How do you tell 'em apart?
- Well, it's easy, Nancy's 21
and Nancy's 23.
- There's two years
difference in their ages,
well how in the world can
they be identical twins?
- Well, ask their mother.
- Well, what'll she say?
(screaming)
I don't wanna hear
anymore about it.
- She would have had triplets,
but her voice gave out.
(laughing)
- You oughta bring
these two Nancys around,
I'd like to meet 'em.
- Aw, it's too late, they
married identical twin brothers.
- Well now, there's
a coinky-dink.
Identical twin sisters
marrying identical twin brothers.
- Yep was quite a honeymoon.
- I can imagine.
- The four of 'em
spent it together
in carefully numbered pajamas.
(laughing)
- Numbered pajamas?
- Oh two of 'em.
- Oughta follow that.
- Yeah.
(peppy upbeat music)
- Okay, what've you
got in that violin case?
- A violin, what do you think?
- Open it up.
- Okay.
It is not a Stradivarius,
I can tell you.
(laughing)
But it has sweet
music in it's soul.
- I'm sorry.
(laughing)
(rapid gunfire)
(laughing)
- I've got some good
news and some bad news.
First I just discovered
my husband has a lover.
Now for the bad news, I
thought he was my lover.
(laughing)
- Hey kiddies, it's time for
everyone's favorite uncle!
Now he's only for wee wee folk,
so all others no peeking.
Okay, kiddies, it's time for
Uncle Al, for Uncle Al time.
(whimscial upbeat music)
- Hi kids!
(children shouting)
- [Melissa] Hi Al!
- Good to see you guys!
- [Melissa] Hey
- Hi there you little...
- [Melissa] I can't
see you Uncle Al!
- What Melissa?
- [Melissa] I can't see you.
- Oh, that's cause
your a wee person.
(laughing)
- Hey there you little squeak...
- [Melissa] Hi Uncle Al!
(screaming)
(laughing)
- Cool it over there Rodney.
(laughing)
This is Uncle
Al, the kiddies pal
Hello little friends,
hello Well kiddies.
- [Melissa] I can't
see you Uncle Al!
- Will you get out
of the way Melissa?
- [Man] You suck Uncle Al!
(laughing)
This was Uncle
Al The kiddies pal
Goodbye little friends,
goodbye, goodbye
(children shouting goodbye)
- You know who this is?
- No, but I'll tell you one
thing, his fist is on fire.
(laughing)
- That's the governor
of Alaska, Keith Miller.
- Alaska?
Maybe he's just
trying to keep warm.
- No, the governor was
just relaxing with a cigar
at the Western Governor's
Conference in Seattle.
The topic under
discussion was air pollution.
What do you think?
- I think he's just
trying to cloud the issue.
(laughing)
- I think we should hear
more about it, come on.
- Hey Judy.
- Yes?
- I just bought an
oxygen tent for my cousin.
- Why, is he sick?
- No, he lives in Los Angeles.
(buzzer sounding)
(laughing)
- You know Chicago has a
unique name for it's city's dump.
They call it Lake Michigan.
(fog horn blowing)
(laughing)
- I really dig the Hudson River.
- If you wanna go
fishing in it, you got to.
(glass crashing)
(laughing)
- I went to a public
picnic ground yesterday
and I could find only one place
where there wasn't any litter.
The trashcan.
(clattering)
(laughing)
- Dick, my kid brother threw
a bunch of orange peels
and beer cans into his aquarium.
- Was he trying
to hurt the fish?
- No, he wanted
them to feel at home.
(horn blowing rhythmically)
(laughing)
- Pollution is so
bad in Pittsburgh,
they're getting fresh air
packages from Poland.
(fog horn blowing)
(laughing)
- If President
Nixon is so anxious
to make things perfectly clear,
why doesn't he start
with Los Angeles?
(horse neighing)
(laughing)
- You know Goldie,
science has proved
that smog can kill you.
- Well now that's silly Dan,
it's only dangerous
if you breathe it.
(laughing)
- Here we all walk
on the Mississippi.
(laughing)
- Science says in
a few more years,
people will no longer
suffer from air pollution.
- Oh, Henry that's marvelous.
You mean there will
be no more smog.
- No, there'll be
no more people.
(fog horn blowing)
(swooshing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Who's there?
- [Will] Will Chamberlin
trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Will] I wanna come in
there and hold you in my arms
and give you all my money.
- Oh, what's the trick?
- [Will] Gettin' in there.
- Well come on in.
(laughing)
Dang!
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sure if we ask them,
NBC will be pleased to
do another commercial.
So, let's hear it folks.
(laughing)
(register cha-chinging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Whoo!
- Oh great mystic.
Oh thank heavens
that you are here,
on the top of your mountain, oh.
- Well, what's the trouble mama?
- Oh, tell me, tell me.
Oh mystic is there
really life after death?
- Aw, we can find out.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- I, I didn't mean it, sir.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- The Shin Bone by Henry Gibson.
(laughing)
The shin bone is
a wonderful thing.
Without it the
cat could not rub.
Knee caps like shin bones too,
because they keep
them from falling down.
In addition, there
are the garters.
If it were not for
the shin bone,
there would be no connect.
(laughing)
And hear the word of the lord.
(laughing)
- Ever since Chris
discovered Ray Charles,
there ain't no news
that rings my chimes,
but if you believe that
no news is good news,
then the Laugh-In
news is good news,
cause it sure ain't no news.
(laughing)
Isn't it delightful
to see the frightful
Things that people
do (vocalizing)
We have got a
list of twisted things
We'd like to tell
to you (vocalizing)
Lots of news across the nation
We supply the information
In a way we hope we'll all lose
(vocalizing)
We just love to
give you our views
La la de da
Ladies and gents now
we looks at the news
Boo - [All] Here's Dan.
(applauding)
- And now with the
news as a present,
here's the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky!
(applauding loudly)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Washington, D.C., in
response to public criticism
spokesman for the
administration said today,
"We appointed Shirley
Temple a member
"of the delegation to
the General Assembly
"for two good reasons.
"First, she's a loyal republican
"and second, if we
didn't, she'd threaten
"to hold her breath
'til she turned blue."
(laughing)
Hm.
Because Christmas
day will be taken up
by the wedding ceremony,
Tiny Tim and his new
wife plan to exchange
their gifts during
the honeymoon.
(laughing)
Stand by.
Liverpool, England.
Another record for small
craft ocean crossings
was set today when
97 year old housewife
Mrs. Timmy Brenner
sailed into Liverpool Harbor
aboard a cake of soap.
The relieved Mr. Brenner
stated, "My wife is exhausted
"and emaciated, but
she's very, very clean."
(laughing)
Take it away Goldie.
(drumroll beating)
(giggling)
- 20 years from now,
when you wanna know
what happened in the news,
just remember that Danny
Boy'll tell you right now.
(laughing)
- Only the...
- Hear he is.
- Yes that was absolutely
confusing Goldie.
(giggling)
- Was it?
- Yes.
- Oh, well now, look
Danny Boy, I don't write 'em,
I just uh, deliver
'em, so take it now
and your on your own
and don't try to blow it.
(laughing)
- I'll try not to.
- [Goldie] Blow
it, blow it, blow it.
(laughing)
- Hollywood 19...
- [Goldie] Don't blow it Danny.
- Alright.
(laughing)
1990 in Hollywood,
20 years from now,
rumors were buzzing today
that the American
Broadcasting Company
has finally come up
with a mid-season show
that they believe
will last for years.
It is the 24 hour live
coverage of Paris peace talks.
(laughing)
You think about it.
Beautiful downtown Burbank,
the first bad storm
of the season,
Hurricane Bruce (laughing)
tore through and
completely devastated
the entire beautiful downtown
Burbank business district.
Damages estimated
in excess of $12.
(laughing)
Fortunately, the federal
government declared
Burbank a disaster area,
two weeks before the storm hit.
(laughing)
Washington, D.C. 1990,
the recent regulation
outlawing guns on
campus has created
a new atmosphere
in many schools.
Particularly hard
hit was West Point.
The Commandant said,
"We'll go along with it,
"but the men feel awfully silly
"on a rifle range throwing
bullets at the target."
(laughing)
- I'm glad you didn't
blow that one Danny.
- Oh, yeah, thanks, Goldie.
(laughing)
- And now, while Peg Leg
Bates gets his shoe polished,
Laugh-In goes back to the
early days of good ol' New York
and Let's Make A Deal!
- Isum thatum yourum finaloffum?
- That's it Chief,
that's the bottom line.
(mumbling)
- Ah, what you wantum
forum thisum stuffum?
(laughing)
(mumbling)
(laughing)
We'll take Manhattan
Bronx and Staten Island too
- Here I am with
Miss William F. Vidal
who recently underwent
a sex change operation.
What prompted you to
change from a man to a woman?
- Well, my doctor.
- He suggested an operation?
- No, no, he told
me I was pregn-ion.
(laughing)
- Did the transformation cause
any inconvenience for you?
- Well, I did have to leave
the Greenbay Packers.
(laughing)
- You played for the
Green Blay Plackers?
- Yes and the
Green Bay Plackers.
- Oh.
- I mean Packers.
- No, did I ever.
I mean it was 38, 22, 36 hike.
- Well.
- Yeah, I was one
of their best flankers.
- Great.
- Flankers!
(laughing)
Flankers!
- Have you found
it hard getting dates
now that you're a girl?
- Well, right after
the operation,
I went back to the
computer dating service
and you know filled
out the old new card.
- Right and what happened?
- Uh, they paired
me up with myself.
(laughing)
Flankers!
- Well, we've run out of time.
Thank you Miss William F. Vidal.
This is Goldie Hawn,
switching you back.
- Switching!
(laughing uproariously)
You little cut-up,
there's that word again.
Hike!
(peppy upbeat music)
- And here come the scoops.
- Oh, (giggles) sorry folks.
No news for tonight.
- Oh, Ruth, hold it,
I've got a great item.
Steve McQueen and his secretary
sent out special invitations
for a surprise party
for Steve McQueen's Wife!
(exclaiming)
- Steve McQueen and his
secretary are having an affair
that Mrs. McQueen
knows nothing about.
(laughing)
Bye from Buzzie.
(peppy upbeat music)
You darling.
- I just hate me without bangs.
(laughing)
Anyway, sports fans, put
away your crying towels,
because stepping
into the old center ring
is the old champ himself,
the old man that casts
off sports better than
any old sports caster,
Big Al himself.
Cast off, Big!
- Hi, big Al here in the
old wrestling diamond.
(bell ringing)
Feature act, (bell ringing)
oh, I dig my tinkle.
I dig any tinkle.
I'm a tinkle digger, get it.
Well, I just returned
from the Bobsled Races
and I feel it's about time
somebody exposed them.
Bob sleds indeed!
The one I saw belonged
to a guy named Irvine
and the guys that
ride them, I mean!
All squashed, holding
onto each other
on that silly little sled.
I don't like to
see that in public.
(laughing)
Ta-da!
(bell ringing)
La da de da
Ladies and gents that's
the best of the news
(applauding)
- Oh, so good to see you.
Oh, I've sailed across
a storm ridden ocean,
walked over the hot desert,
survived the bug infested jungle
and climbed this
rugged mountain.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Mama, you trespassin'!
(laughing)
(grunting)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- And now by popular
request for all you guys
in the NBC sales department.
(register cha-chinging)
- There you are Cinderella,
you shall go to
the ball tonight.
- Thank you fairy
godmother for turning
my rags to a beautiful dress
and the pumpkin into a coach
and the white mice into horses.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- I wish I had a better figure.
- Don't worry.
(whimsical music)
(swooshing)
- Oh thank you.
- Oh, that's alright and
here's a $100 spending money,
but I want to tell you
kid, if you're not back
by 12 you're in a lot of trouble
and there'll be one
very disappointed prince.
- But why?
- Because at midnight,
the money disappears
and you'll be flat busted again.
(laughing)
- What?
You say you want
more for your money?
You say you want something
new and fresh and exciting?
Well, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
Here it is the
hottest item in town,
NBC's new handy
dandy station break.
It's umm umm good
and it's good for you.
(claps)
Whoo!
(laughing)
What?
You say you're
still not satisfied?
You say you want some more?
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
We're gonna let you
have another dose
of what you got before.
Here it is, whoo!
(laughing)
Everybody loves
somebody sometimes
(peppy upbeat music)
(gagging)
(laughing)
- Smog.
(laughing)
- Oh, oh big mystic.
I fought off dens of savages,
fought through wild,
wild packs of wolves,
waded through pirranha
infested jungles and rivers,
so fatigued that I had to
crawl for the last hundred miles.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Sorry mama, we closed at noon.
(screeching)
(laughing)
- Listen I understand
that Carlo Ponte
is rushing to Sophia
Loren's bedside.
- Well wouldn't you?
(laughing)
- Whoo, no, because if I
did, I'd be late for the party.
- There's a party at
Sophia Loren's bedside?
- No, there's a
party right here.
- Do I get a choice?
(laughing)
- Forget about him folks.
Let's go along to the party.
- Hey Sophia, I hate
to be late for your party,
but I gotta go to a party.
(laughing)
Come on Sophia.
- Would you stop.
(applauding)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Boris and I did great in
our sex education class.
We were voted the
mostly likely to succeed!
(peppy upbeat music)
- True the mission of the
church is to cleanse the soul,
but that's still no
reason to refer
to Sunday mornings as a
one hour cleaning service.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Dick, I'm afraid you
only like me for my body,
not for my brain.
- Oh, pussy cat
that's ridiculous,
you have beautiful brains.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- My son-in-law said I was
a prying, nosy old busybody.
Oh, but he wouldn't
say it to my face.
He's such a sweet boy.
I had to hear it
through the key hole.
(peppy upbeat music)
- Do you know
Jeremy, in our country,
one of our biggest
problems is the fact
that the crime rate
is rising 11 times
faster than the birth rate.
- Well, no wonder old man,
it doesn't take nine months
to uh, hold up
a filling station.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Teresa?
- Yeah?
- Did you know
the president gets
$40,000 a year for entertaining?
(chuckles)
- I'd have to see his act first
before I'd lay out
that kind of bread.
(peppy upbeat music)
- Goldie!
- What?
- Did you know
that Lincoln wrote
the Gettysburg Address
on the back of an envelope?
- Well that's silly,
he should know
the address goes on
the front of the envelope.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- There was a riot on
Fire Island this summer,
the police broke it
up by using mace,
with just a hint of mint.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- I see where
Johnny Carson invited
Tiny Tim to be
married on his program.
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
Who knows, maybe they'll
spend their honeymoon
on mission impossible.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- I went out on a
double date last night
and it was a lot of fun,
but I wished there'd
been another girl along.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- You know I think
President Nixon
has a wonderful
new national diet.
He's reducing the
troops in Vietnam.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Before I read
the Love Machine,
I thought it was a book about
two teenagers in a parked car.
(peppy upbeat music)
(applauding)
- [Woman] Mr. President, I have
some good news and some bad.
First, Senator
Strom Thurman says
he can deliver
the south in 1972.
Now, for the bad news,
this time he wants to
pick the president too!
(laughing)
(sirens wailing)
- The most asked
question this week
is who was the
world's skinniest man?
- And the answer
is Walter Geiger,
who was six feet seven
and weighed 12 pounds.
- Now, the second
most asked question was
what was the most amazing
disappearance case in history?
- And the answer is the
case of Walter Geiger,
who disappeared when
he fell down his trousers.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Well, once again
folks, it's time for
the flying fickle
finger of fate award.
- And who gets
the cynical cylinder
this auspicious occasion?
- Well, last May 15th, now
I want you to pay attention.
- Right.
- Disaster struck the
nuclear submarine Guitarro.
- Those dirty reds,
they've gone too far.
Hm, where'd it happen?
- San Francisco Bay.
- They have gone too
far, those dirty reds.
- Now, just simmer
down, according
to the Congressional
Investigators,
the disaster was an accident.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- No, no, it you
see this happened
when two crews of
our civilian workers
were conducting
tests by pumping water
into the submarine,
just testing see
and while one group was forward
and the other group was aft,
but neither group new what
the other group was doing.
- I'm getting a sinking feeling.
- Yes, well, so
did the submarine.
The $50 million Guitarro
went right to the bottom
of San Francisco Bay.
- Well, I guess we might as
well leave it right there huh?
- Oh, no, no, au contraire.
They're not going to leave it.
The estimated cost of
salvage to the tax payers
may run as high as $30 million.
- That's a lot of
money to dredge up.
How'd it happen.
- Isn't that interesting?
According to the
Congressional Committee
and I'm quoting now,
that although accidental,
the immediate
cause of the sinking
was the culpable negligence
of certain shipyard employees.
- Alright certain
shipyard employees,
now hear this take
this down to 50 feet.
- And blow it out
your torpedo tubes.
(laughing)
- For them the fickle
finger, full speed down.
- Right.
- And be sure to
tune in next week folk,
when the flying
fickle finger of fate,
or the shivery shift
as our censor calls it,
goes to the Atlantic
City Police force
who locked a teenager
girl with medium length hair
and a teenage boy
with shoulder length hair
in the same cell for eight days.
You Atlantic City bobbies
might be fighting the crime wave,
but you're not doing
too much about
the population
explosion are you?
(laughing)
- That reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden
and the fascinating
way in which she trained
the elephant to keep
flies off the shawl.
It is a goody.
(laughing)
- Just keep all those cards
and letters coming in folks.
Our little Jeanne and I
would especially want to thank
little old Dennis Ink of
New Philadelphia, Ohio.
I thought I was taller.
For sending us his
wonderful little jokes.
We're sending you
two whole dollars,
two whole dollars Dennis,
to show our appreciation.
- Goldie, what has
six legs and a bra?
- Peter, Paul and Mary.
(laughing)
- Oh, oh great mystic, oh.
To get here, I had to
swim the North Atlantic,
fight off herds of
starving Polar Bears,
walk a thousand miles
over frozen glaciers
and drag my exhausted
body five miles
up the side of the mountain.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Uh, do you wanna
rest a couple minutes,
before you go back, mama?
- Uh huh.
- Well, that's long enough.
(squealing)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Chris gonna find Ray Charles,
Willie gonna hit that ball,
and NBC's gonna ring it's chime.
(register cha-chinging)
Whoo!
(peppy upbeat music)
- Laugh-In has
been getting lots...
(splashing)
(laughing)
oh, why, why'd you do that?
You know, we had an
agreement remember,
no more sock it to me.
(splashing)
(laughing)
Listen, I said no more.
- This has been
Laugh-In request time,
a stroll down memory
lane when none of us
were dry behind the ears.
(splashing)
(laughing)
Or in front of the ears.
(splashing)
Transcribe.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Mystic, oh, I
received your message
and I swam the
shark infested ocean.
I dragged myself up
the side of this mountain.
Although I'm dying from
a poisonous snake bite,
what words do you
have to say to me?
- It's a shame
mama you didn't get
my second message not to come.
(laughing)
Whoo!
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- How does it feel now
that Richard Nixon's
been in the President's
office for 200 days?
- Don't ask me, ask
Johnson, it's his office.
- You know, it must be
awful for President Nixon
to have all those secret
service men around him
24 hours a day.
- Yeah, how'd you like
to say good night dear
and have six people answer?
- Hm, that must be pretty rough.
- Yeah, four or five
okay, but six that's silly.
- Yeah and the hotline,
what a worry that has to be.
- Huh?
- Well, now surely you
know what the hotline is.
- The fire's getting
worse every minute.
- What are you talkin' about?
- That's a hotline.
- Oh, no.
Of course on the other hand,
at least he has the
comforts of Air Force One.
- Is she still around?
- Air Force One is an airplane.
- Oh, she's this girl
that used to hang around
at the main gate
at Langley Field.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- We used to call
her Air Force One.
- I said I don't
wanna hear about it.
- She was a proud
bird with a golden...
(laughing)
- Oh, I'd give all of
Sunday's collection,
if the cast would
just sing a song now
and get us out of this mess.
(laughing)
(rhythmic clapping)
Deep in the heart of
Texas (all exclaiming)
- Mr. Johnson what do you
think of the new Vice President?
- Spiro?
- Uh huh.
- Well, uh, he's no Hubert
H. Humphry, I'll tell you that.
(all exclaiming)
(laughing)
Hello, Hubert?
It is Hubert.
- [Teresa] It's Hubert.
- He has a new job at a college.
- [Teresa] Uh oh.
- How's it going Hubert?
You did?
What a drag.
(laughing)
Goodbye Hubert.
- [Girls] What happened?
- Poor Hubert, he got
a C in Government.
- [Girls] Aww!
- Poor Baby.
- Yes, it's not easy being
an ex-Vice President.
- No.
- It's not even easy
being a Vice President.
You know when Hubert
was Vice President,
they didn't even give
him a place to live.
- [Girls] Aww!
- As a matter of fact, sir,
Mr. Agnew's having
the same problem.
(cow mooing)
- Uh, Mr. President?
- Yes?
- Congress has refused
to appropriate any funds
for a Vice
Presidential residence.
Well, you know how crowded
Washington has become.
- It certainly has.
- Well, you've got this
big house all to yourself
and I was wondering if
we could move in with you.
(chuckling)
- Well, uh, Spiro.
- Uh, sir, that's Spiro.
- Right, right.
Well, let me say this about that
and I want to make
this perfectly clear.
There are two
solutions to this problem.
Now, one solution is
to appoint a committee,
thoroughly investigate
the entire situation.
- Uh huh, but
Mr. President, that could take
as much as three years.
By then I might
be out of office.
- That's the second solution.
(laughing)
- Do you realize that
since the president
can only serve two terms
when Mr. Nixon leaves office,
we may wind up
with a Spiro of '76?
Whoo!
(peppy upbeat music)
- Some people have
a woman president.
Does that mean the
first lady will be a man?
(laughing)
What'll they wear?
(laughing)
(applauding)
Deep in the heart
of Texas (laughing)
- Hey how 'bout that Pentagon?
- How 'bout it?
(laughing)
- You know something?
I have some fond
memories of those ol' boys.
- Oh, me too.
(laughing)
- Well, as a matter of fact,
the President is having
a serious problem there.
See, he and the
congress don't know
how the Pentagon is
spending so much money.
- Well, how could they know,
when the Pentagon
doesn't even know?
(laughing)
- Sir?
Oh, sir, I'm sorry sir,
but Congress just called
and they want to
know what we did
with the $300 million.
We're over budget
on that Halifax project.
- Yeah, they gettin'
nosy up there ain't they?
- Yeah, well they
wanna know what
we did with the money.
- Well, uh, look,
look, I'll tell you what.
Uh, you tell 'em, that I
took somebody to lunch.
(laughing)
- Sir, your silly.
- You don't think
they'll go for that?
- No, they're not gonna believe
you spent $300 million dollars
taking someone to lunch.
- Oh, I could spend
$300 million for lunch
if I took the 8th army.
(laughing)
- You know you could.
- You know, I'm a big tipper.
(laughing)
- Aw, come on sir, this
is business, come on.
Get serious, what am
I gonna tell congress?
- Okay, okay -
About the $300 million
- I got it, I got it, okay.
- Alright.
- Look okay,
now we'll tell 'em that we spent
five million for the
preliminary study.
- Five million
preliminary study.
- Got that.
- Got that.
- Two million
for the blueprints.
- Two million, that's
good, blueprints.
- And 35 million for wages.
- 35 million, sorry, sorry,
I need to carry my one.
Sir, that leaves
us with 259 million.
- Well, there gotta
be something for us.
(laughing)
- One way to cut
the military budget
is to get the Armed
Forces off salary,
and put them on piece work, hmm?
Super.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(rhythmic clapping)
Deep in the heart
of Texas (exclaiming)
- What do you
think about welfare?
- [Teresa] Oh yeah.
- Well if President Nixon
closes anymore tax loopholes,
I may find out first hand.
(laughing)
- Oh, sir do you
think that people
on welfare get enough money?
- Well, if they scrimp
and save they can get by,
but it is nice to have
something put away
for a rainy day.
(laughing)
- Uh, now what seems to
be the problem Mrs. Higgins?
- Well, I just can't live
on my welfare money.
Oh, it's lucky I
have a little savings.
- Well, how much
are you getting dear?
- $43 a month.
- $43 a month.
Well, maybe you're
living too high.
Um, are you a two car family?
- Oh, no.
I can't afford food,
rent or clothing.
- Clothing huh, well how much
have you got sunk
in the clothing?
- Oh, well this is it.
- Nice hat.
- Oh, oh, yes, I did buy a
pair of gloves last month.
I had to, it was so cold.
- And, uh, where'd you get
the money for the gloves?
- I sold my coat.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Oh, dear, I just can't
make it on $43 a month.
It's lucky I have
a little savings.
- Well, Mrs. Higgins,
I'm very sorry,
but we're not gonna be
able to increase your welfare.
You're just gonna have
to learn to budget yourself.
Now, listen, it's very simple.
Um, keep it, keep track
of all your expenses.
I take, go out and buy
yourself a little notebook.
- Buy a little notebook, huh?
Well, there go my savings.
(laughing)
- Mrs. Higgins?
(peppy upbeat music)
- Do you know who guards
the beach at San Clemente?
The secret surfers.
(laughing)
- Oh, Mr. President,
it's so nice
to have you back down here.
We sure missed
you and Lady Bird.
- Oh, it's so nice to hear
that name again, Lady Bird.
- Oh.
- Would you say it again?
- Oh, I'd be proud.
Lady Bird.
Lady Bird.
Dear Mr. Audubon,
if he were alive today
Dear Mr. Audubon,
he would certainly say
Lady Bird (whistling)
You loved-ed
Lady Bird (whistling)
Thanks loads for giving so much
Oop voteriety to
the Audubon society
You're a bird of paradise
My song of praise
Is intended to suffice
For all the other
L.B.J's Like Lady Bird
You clever equal bird
You should be proud as
A great big cock today
You're running
round your Texas pen
Driving all those cowpokes mad
You ask a birdy (twittering)
Lady Bird Tweet,
tweet, I'd like to meet
Lucy Baines and you
Trill, trill up on the hill
Everyone's cuckoo,
cuckoo about you
Lady Bird (squawking)
You're every worship
bird (shrieking)
As when you're locked
up in your gilded cage
You are such an ideal spouse
You never(squawking)
When the (squawking)
Possible But great to
have our (squeaking)
Lady Bird around
the house Lady Bird
(squawking)
We hang on every
word (squawking)
That your dear wonderful
husband has said
But now that you're
both hangin' loose
He's gone double
turkey to the goose
He's so persuading
For another Lady Bird
You are now a leisure bird
Barbecuing is the
word You do your all
You all do all You
Lady Bird (squawking)
(laughing)
(dramatic music)
(applauding)
- You know, some people think
Mr. Nixon is a better president.
- But I'll say one
thing for Lyndon,
he's a lot more laughs.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Oh, great mystic.
To get here I have
walked 13,000 miles
across deserts,
jungles and mountains.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Uh, mama, can I
sell you some sandals?
I got these in a 9b.
- Oh, that's not my size.
- Then forget about it.
- Whoa!
(screaming)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Whoo!
(laughing)
- Oh great mystic,
I received your call.
I walked 2,000
miles to the Amazon,
was captured by worm worshipers
and held prisoner for 10 years.
I escaped and ran for two months
without stopping to get to you.
To fill the vacancy
as your disciple.
Oh, great one, what words
do you have to say to me?
- I'm sorry, mama, I was
lookin' for a younger girl.
(squealing)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(knocking)
- Oh!
Who is it?
- [Maurice] Maurice Chevelle!
- Oh, Maurice Chevelle?
- [Maurice] Yes, trick or treat.
- Oh, what's the treat.
- [Maurice] I'm going to come in
and make mad
passionate love to you.
- Oh, oh, oh, what's the trick.
- [Maurice] I am 81.
(laughing)
- Oh, darn.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(drumroll beating)
- Moving right along now,
here's our department
called potpourri.
- I wonder if you'd care to hear
something my aunt
once said to me.
- As you know, potpourri
is a collection of madness
for children of all ages.
- Actually, my aunt
said this on VJ day
when the submarine
she'd been hiding out on
surfaced and came up for the air
for the first time
in four years.
She'd had her thumb
caught in the periscope
for 15 months and
had surfaced five times
and had learned
to hold her breath
for five and a half minutes.
- As I said, friends,
it's time for potpourri.
- Mark my words,
someday the railroad
will come through
here, and why not?
We already got an
airport and a bus station.
(laughing)
- Oh waiter can we
have those two beers.
Aw, do you realize
you bowled a 186?
- Aw, but honey, remember
that spare you picked up?
You were fantastic.
- Thank you, you
know that was one
of the nicest days
of bowling I've...
(rumbling)
(clattering)
(laughing)
Could we have those two beers?
(peppy upbeat music)
- And two, and three, and four.
(thumping)
Uh, you no got rhythm.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Yes.
Oh, well, land sakes.
(giggling)
Well, my stars.
Oh, oh, how positively unique.
(exclaiming)
Oh, well don't you think
that's a bit dangerous?
(exclaiming)
Oh, why that's
almost unbelievable!
Oh, oh well.
(giggling)
Well, how would you do that?
(giggling)
(exclaiming)
Well, all the luck in the world.
Bye now.
(giggling)
Oh, and take care.
(giggling)
Oh.
Hello, I'd like to report
an obscene phone call.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Alright, this town
ain't big enough
for the both of us Tex.
- Well, I know,
that's why I bought
this darling little
cottage in the suburbs.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- You're being very brave
about this Sir Quinsley.
Just when did you find out
that your wife was dead?
- Right after I shot her.
(laughing)
- That's it for
potpourri tonight folks.
- You did that very well Goldie.
- Huh, Gold, that's
just right honey.
- Surprised you
huh Dick and Dan?
- No, not at all.
- Danny and Dick
- No, it didn't
surprise either way.
- That's funny, it surprised me.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Mystic, I have walked across
the burning deserts of Nairobi,
swam the shark infested
waters of the Nile,
and fought of 16 hunger
maddened gorillas
just to have you
bless this medal.
Whoopsy doodle.
- Mama, you got
the wrong mystic.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(screaming)
(laughing)
- Well, as the announcer used to
regretfully announce at the
end of the Tammy Grimes show,
we have come to the
end of another one.
It's time to say good night.
- Before we leave,
I would like to make
a public service announcement.
- Proceed sir.
- For those of you who
didn't see Gunsmoke tonight,
they had a very tragic story.
- [Dan] Oh, really, what was it?
- Well, a wealthy
cattle baron discovered
his cattle weren't wealthy.
(laughing)
- Poor cows, say
good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(applauding)
(dramatic music)
- Chris!
- Yes?
- Why does a
fireman carry a hose?
- Because it won't
fit in his pocket.
- Right!
(laughing)
- Hey, Alan Sues!
Alan, ah.
What has 80 legs,
weighs two tons
and screams a lot?
- 40 women stuck in an elevator.
- [Flip] Whoo!
(laughing)
- You know, my uncle was sick
and the doctor made
him eat 35 tomatoes a day.
- Ah, did it cure him?
- Yeah, but he keeps wantin'
to lie down in the lettuce.
- Lie down in the lettuce?
- Yeah.
(thumping)
- Henry!
Were you ever horse whipped?
- No, my daddy was too
small to pick up a horse,
let alone lie down in lettuce.
(laughing)
- That's nothing, my
dad was even to small
to pick up a chicken.
- Well, now, I'm
wondering why you,
he wasn't chicken whipped.
- Hmm.
- Wait a minute, is that
a chicken whipped joke,
or a chicken joke?
Which one?
Dan, which one?
- Horse joke.
- [Jo Anne] Thank you.
(laughing)
- Hey, Byron!
Byron, ah!
- Yeah?
- What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a chicken?
- A trunk full of eggs.
(laughing)
- Teresa?
- Yeah Dan?
- I knew you were
back there somewhere.
- Back there?
- Listen, if you
took all the chickens
from Wisconsin to New
York, what would you get?
- 30 years for chicken stealing!
- You're right!
- Forget the chickens
there's a gorilla in here!
- Ruth, Ruth,
darling it's all right.
We're just monkeying around.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, but watch out when
he starts to chicken around!
(laughing)
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
(shrieking)
- Hey!
- [Flip] Chicken joke!
- I heard that Raquel
Welch turned down
the lead in the
Cassius Clay story
to accept the part of
Myra Brackreckinridge.
- [Henry] Breckinbridge.
- Breckinbridge.
- [Flip] Breckinridge
- I heard that...
- [Pamela] Raquel!
- Raquel.
- I heard, I heard
that Raquel Walsh
turned down the lead
in the Cassius Clay...
- [Henry] Welch!
- [Ruth] Welch!
(all shouting)
- I heard, I heard that...
- Welch.
- Raq...
- Give him a chance.
- I, I heard that
Raquel Wall, Welch,
(laughing)
turned down the
lead - Raquel Welch!
- Turned down the lead
- Wrote a poem today!
- In the Cassius
Clay story - Whoo!
- To accept the part
of Myrna Breckenridge.
(laughing)
- Myra!
- Myra.
- Brecken Breckenridge!
- Myron Breckenridge!
- That's it.
Good night folks.
- Welch!
- Whoo!
(sirens wailing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(drumroll beating)
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(grunting)
(peppy upbeat music)
(cranking squeal)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Will there be
anything else sir?
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(thumping)
(squealing)
(laughing)
- Oh great mystic, I
received your message.
I have swum the every ocean.
I have been bitten
by millions of snakes,
but it is all worth it.
I am here to spend the
rest of my life with you.
Just the two of us
from here to eternity!
(screaming)
(laughing)
- The preceding
show was prerecorded
in a lead lined room to keep
the deadly gases from escaping.
Letters to Laugh-In
on the other hand
stands open and unashamed
every afternoon on NBC TV.
- What's that you say?
You say you still
haven't had enough?
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
Tonight and tonight only,
for each and every
member of the audience,
we have this special gift!
Whoo!
(laughing)
(leaves rustling)
- Very interesting,
but very loud.
(laughing)
All right night fighter,
go to your bunker.
Now, crazy, I'll come back
to your bunker next week.
Think about it.
(laughing)
(snappy bouncy music)
(clapping)
(squeaking)
(clinking)
(clapping)
(dramatic music)
(clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(peppy music)
- Ah!
(laughing)
What else would you
wear with basic black?
(laughing)
A giggle has been
known to lead to laughter
And laughter has been
known to lead to joy
And joy is something no one here
Can buy in a store
Sent through the mail
Bring to your door
And joy is just another
word for pleasure
And pleasure makes
you happy as a pup
So tell a jokus
and try some hokus
And everybody laugh it up
Ha, ha and everybody laugh it up
(cymbals clanging)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Wilson!
- Yes, yes?
- You know what I
wonder most of all?
I wonder why so many girls
are going around without bras.
- Must be truth
part of the new law
on truth in packaging.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Listen Goldie do you
think that the Tobacco Lobby
is good for the people?
- Yes it gives them a place
to smoke during intermission.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Jude.
- What is it Bronze Beauty?
- Do you know what
advertising agencies consider
the three best ways
to sell a product?
- I don't know what?
- Sex and if that
fails, you try some sex
and then as a last resort,
you lay a little sex on 'em.
- Well one of those
three will do it every time.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Arte.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Gotcha.
- Gotcha who?
- Got you.
(giggling)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Hello Ruthie.
- Hi, I heard
something the other day
that makes me think
Russia and China
may have gone to war.
- What's that?
- Boom!
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Flip Wilson,
why aren't you back - Yes, yes,
- there with us?
- Yes.
- You know...
- Anyway I think - Yep
- they should make - Yes, yes
William Buckley man of the year.
- Will is that so?
- Yes, yes.
In 1924.
- I don't understand.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Arte, I've been
invited to have dinner
at the Marquis d' Sade's house.
- Oh, what's he having?
- I don't know, he said
he'd whip something up.
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Henry, do you know
Shakespeare's play
Much Ado About Nothing?
- Yes, it's all about
Audrey Hepburn's
new see-through blouse.
(laughing)
- Well she said she'd
whip something up.
(laughing)
(cymbals clanging)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Where's the English boy?
Ah, there you are.
- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
- Listen Jeremy they're teaching
sex education in the
American high schools now.
- Oh, Dan that's nothing.
In England we learn to
multiply in the 3rd grade.
- Oh swell.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
A tee hee has been known
to lead to ha, ha, ha, ha
And ha, ha, ha can
win the lovin' cup.
Let's try a giggle,
a wink and wiggle
And everybody laugh it up Ha, ha
Everybody laugh
it up (applauding)
- And now from the
back room of the beautiful
downtown Burbank Sanitarium
and Gooseberry Park,
NBC pays off an election bet
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring in the golden
tonsil of Dan Rowan
and the flashing
foot of his delightful
manservant Dick Martin.
With special guest,
Flip Star Wilson
and these great
supporters, Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzze, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues.
Not to omit the seldom seen,
but always heard Jo Anne Worley.
And this special
bunch of cuckoos
Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam, with this
special addition, Jack Riley
and yours truly Morgul
the friendly Drelb.
Gary Owens will
not be seen tonight.
However he is
available later inside
every large economy
package of catnip
and now while all you cats nip,
here's something to put
in your pipe and smoke.
(gasping)
- Oh, well if my
breath bothers you,
the engagement's off!
(huffing)
(laughing)
- Oh, listen honey,
my husband was dead.
(laughing)
- It's not always easy.
(laughing)
- Well if my breath bothers you,
the engagement's off.
(laughing)
(laughing)
We gotta think, we gotta
think of Pasadena Playhouse!
(laughing)
- That's better, much better.
(gasping)
- Oh, well if my
breath bother's you,
the engagement's off.
(huffing)
(laughing)
- Oh, listen honey (laughing)
(laughing)
- I can hear your breath stink.
(laughing)
Well, if my breath bothers
you, the engagement's off!
(huffing)
- Listen honey, you think
you've got bad (laughing)
- Well, if my breath bothers
you, the engagement's off!
(laughing)
(laughing)
If my breath bothers
you the engagement's off.
- Oh, listen honey,
my husband once said
that I had breath that
would melt Mount Rushmore.
You know what I did?
Huh?
You know what I did?
(laughing)
- Don't go away
cause now is the time
for NBC to ring
it's chimes, whoo!
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- And now, here are
the stars of Laugh-In,
Dan whoo!
And the lovely Dick whoo!
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Alright, I'm gonna
have to fight them off.
- Oh, yes I see.
Get a big stick.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
We're awfully happy you
could have been with us tonight
and we hope that
you enjoyed the show.
No better than that we
hope you enjoy the show.
Anything you'd
like to add to that?
- If you want your
wish to come true,
put a piece of Liberace
under your pillow tonight.
(laughing)
- Do you think that's funny?
- Well I don't
know, I've never had
a piece of Liberace
under my pillow.
(laughing)
- Oh, yeah I guess.
Hey, sleeping
is quite a subject.
You look kinda tired.
- I couldn't close
my eyes all night.
- May I?
- Thank you.
- What kept you awake?
- Well I was wondering if
Moshe Dayan was winking at me.
(laughing)
- Well it could be
the height of futility.
- No, no, the height of futility
is being in a washroom
in a filling station
and suddenly remembering
you forgot your pencil.
That's futility.
(laughing)
- Don't seem to be getting
anyplace with you tonight.
So in desperation folks, I'll
bring up his favorite subject.
Met any interesting
girls lately?
- Set of identical twins.
- Identical, that
sounds promising.
- Best deal I've had going yet.
- Yeah?
How's that?
- Well, it's always nice
to have a back up girl.
(laughing)
- Well, what are their
names, he asked.
- Nancy.
- Well, what's the
other one's name?
- Nancy.
- How do you tell 'em apart?
- Well, it's easy, Nancy's 21
and Nancy's 23.
- There's two years
difference in their ages,
well how in the world can
they be identical twins?
- Well, ask their mother.
- Well, what'll she say?
(screaming)
I don't wanna hear
anymore about it.
- She would have had triplets,
but her voice gave out.
(laughing)
- You oughta bring
these two Nancys around,
I'd like to meet 'em.
- Aw, it's too late, they
married identical twin brothers.
- Well now, there's
a coinky-dink.
Identical twin sisters
marrying identical twin brothers.
- Yep was quite a honeymoon.
- I can imagine.
- The four of 'em
spent it together
in carefully numbered pajamas.
(laughing)
- Numbered pajamas?
- Oh two of 'em.
- Oughta follow that.
- Yeah.
(peppy upbeat music)
- Okay, what've you
got in that violin case?
- A violin, what do you think?
- Open it up.
- Okay.
It is not a Stradivarius,
I can tell you.
(laughing)
But it has sweet
music in it's soul.
- I'm sorry.
(laughing)
(rapid gunfire)
(laughing)
- I've got some good
news and some bad news.
First I just discovered
my husband has a lover.
Now for the bad news, I
thought he was my lover.
(laughing)
- Hey kiddies, it's time for
everyone's favorite uncle!
Now he's only for wee wee folk,
so all others no peeking.
Okay, kiddies, it's time for
Uncle Al, for Uncle Al time.
(whimscial upbeat music)
- Hi kids!
(children shouting)
- [Melissa] Hi Al!
- Good to see you guys!
- [Melissa] Hey
- Hi there you little...
- [Melissa] I can't
see you Uncle Al!
- What Melissa?
- [Melissa] I can't see you.
- Oh, that's cause
your a wee person.
(laughing)
- Hey there you little squeak...
- [Melissa] Hi Uncle Al!
(screaming)
(laughing)
- Cool it over there Rodney.
(laughing)
This is Uncle
Al, the kiddies pal
Hello little friends,
hello Well kiddies.
- [Melissa] I can't
see you Uncle Al!
- Will you get out
of the way Melissa?
- [Man] You suck Uncle Al!
(laughing)
This was Uncle
Al The kiddies pal
Goodbye little friends,
goodbye, goodbye
(children shouting goodbye)
- You know who this is?
- No, but I'll tell you one
thing, his fist is on fire.
(laughing)
- That's the governor
of Alaska, Keith Miller.
- Alaska?
Maybe he's just
trying to keep warm.
- No, the governor was
just relaxing with a cigar
at the Western Governor's
Conference in Seattle.
The topic under
discussion was air pollution.
What do you think?
- I think he's just
trying to cloud the issue.
(laughing)
- I think we should hear
more about it, come on.
- Hey Judy.
- Yes?
- I just bought an
oxygen tent for my cousin.
- Why, is he sick?
- No, he lives in Los Angeles.
(buzzer sounding)
(laughing)
- You know Chicago has a
unique name for it's city's dump.
They call it Lake Michigan.
(fog horn blowing)
(laughing)
- I really dig the Hudson River.
- If you wanna go
fishing in it, you got to.
(glass crashing)
(laughing)
- I went to a public
picnic ground yesterday
and I could find only one place
where there wasn't any litter.
The trashcan.
(clattering)
(laughing)
- Dick, my kid brother threw
a bunch of orange peels
and beer cans into his aquarium.
- Was he trying
to hurt the fish?
- No, he wanted
them to feel at home.
(horn blowing rhythmically)
(laughing)
- Pollution is so
bad in Pittsburgh,
they're getting fresh air
packages from Poland.
(fog horn blowing)
(laughing)
- If President
Nixon is so anxious
to make things perfectly clear,
why doesn't he start
with Los Angeles?
(horse neighing)
(laughing)
- You know Goldie,
science has proved
that smog can kill you.
- Well now that's silly Dan,
it's only dangerous
if you breathe it.
(laughing)
- Here we all walk
on the Mississippi.
(laughing)
- Science says in
a few more years,
people will no longer
suffer from air pollution.
- Oh, Henry that's marvelous.
You mean there will
be no more smog.
- No, there'll be
no more people.
(fog horn blowing)
(swooshing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Who's there?
- [Will] Will Chamberlin
trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Will] I wanna come in
there and hold you in my arms
and give you all my money.
- Oh, what's the trick?
- [Will] Gettin' in there.
- Well come on in.
(laughing)
Dang!
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sure if we ask them,
NBC will be pleased to
do another commercial.
So, let's hear it folks.
(laughing)
(register cha-chinging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Whoo!
- Oh great mystic.
Oh thank heavens
that you are here,
on the top of your mountain, oh.
- Well, what's the trouble mama?
- Oh, tell me, tell me.
Oh mystic is there
really life after death?
- Aw, we can find out.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- I, I didn't mean it, sir.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- The Shin Bone by Henry Gibson.
(laughing)
The shin bone is
a wonderful thing.
Without it the
cat could not rub.
Knee caps like shin bones too,
because they keep
them from falling down.
In addition, there
are the garters.
If it were not for
the shin bone,
there would be no connect.
(laughing)
And hear the word of the lord.
(laughing)
- Ever since Chris
discovered Ray Charles,
there ain't no news
that rings my chimes,
but if you believe that
no news is good news,
then the Laugh-In
news is good news,
cause it sure ain't no news.
(laughing)
Isn't it delightful
to see the frightful
Things that people
do (vocalizing)
We have got a
list of twisted things
We'd like to tell
to you (vocalizing)
Lots of news across the nation
We supply the information
In a way we hope we'll all lose
(vocalizing)
We just love to
give you our views
La la de da
Ladies and gents now
we looks at the news
Boo - [All] Here's Dan.
(applauding)
- And now with the
news as a present,
here's the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dicky!
(applauding loudly)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Washington, D.C., in
response to public criticism
spokesman for the
administration said today,
"We appointed Shirley
Temple a member
"of the delegation to
the General Assembly
"for two good reasons.
"First, she's a loyal republican
"and second, if we
didn't, she'd threaten
"to hold her breath
'til she turned blue."
(laughing)
Hm.
Because Christmas
day will be taken up
by the wedding ceremony,
Tiny Tim and his new
wife plan to exchange
their gifts during
the honeymoon.
(laughing)
Stand by.
Liverpool, England.
Another record for small
craft ocean crossings
was set today when
97 year old housewife
Mrs. Timmy Brenner
sailed into Liverpool Harbor
aboard a cake of soap.
The relieved Mr. Brenner
stated, "My wife is exhausted
"and emaciated, but
she's very, very clean."
(laughing)
Take it away Goldie.
(drumroll beating)
(giggling)
- 20 years from now,
when you wanna know
what happened in the news,
just remember that Danny
Boy'll tell you right now.
(laughing)
- Only the...
- Hear he is.
- Yes that was absolutely
confusing Goldie.
(giggling)
- Was it?
- Yes.
- Oh, well now, look
Danny Boy, I don't write 'em,
I just uh, deliver
'em, so take it now
and your on your own
and don't try to blow it.
(laughing)
- I'll try not to.
- [Goldie] Blow
it, blow it, blow it.
(laughing)
- Hollywood 19...
- [Goldie] Don't blow it Danny.
- Alright.
(laughing)
1990 in Hollywood,
20 years from now,
rumors were buzzing today
that the American
Broadcasting Company
has finally come up
with a mid-season show
that they believe
will last for years.
It is the 24 hour live
coverage of Paris peace talks.
(laughing)
You think about it.
Beautiful downtown Burbank,
the first bad storm
of the season,
Hurricane Bruce (laughing)
tore through and
completely devastated
the entire beautiful downtown
Burbank business district.
Damages estimated
in excess of $12.
(laughing)
Fortunately, the federal
government declared
Burbank a disaster area,
two weeks before the storm hit.
(laughing)
Washington, D.C. 1990,
the recent regulation
outlawing guns on
campus has created
a new atmosphere
in many schools.
Particularly hard
hit was West Point.
The Commandant said,
"We'll go along with it,
"but the men feel awfully silly
"on a rifle range throwing
bullets at the target."
(laughing)
- I'm glad you didn't
blow that one Danny.
- Oh, yeah, thanks, Goldie.
(laughing)
- And now, while Peg Leg
Bates gets his shoe polished,
Laugh-In goes back to the
early days of good ol' New York
and Let's Make A Deal!
- Isum thatum yourum finaloffum?
- That's it Chief,
that's the bottom line.
(mumbling)
- Ah, what you wantum
forum thisum stuffum?
(laughing)
(mumbling)
(laughing)
We'll take Manhattan
Bronx and Staten Island too
- Here I am with
Miss William F. Vidal
who recently underwent
a sex change operation.
What prompted you to
change from a man to a woman?
- Well, my doctor.
- He suggested an operation?
- No, no, he told
me I was pregn-ion.
(laughing)
- Did the transformation cause
any inconvenience for you?
- Well, I did have to leave
the Greenbay Packers.
(laughing)
- You played for the
Green Blay Plackers?
- Yes and the
Green Bay Plackers.
- Oh.
- I mean Packers.
- No, did I ever.
I mean it was 38, 22, 36 hike.
- Well.
- Yeah, I was one
of their best flankers.
- Great.
- Flankers!
(laughing)
Flankers!
- Have you found
it hard getting dates
now that you're a girl?
- Well, right after
the operation,
I went back to the
computer dating service
and you know filled
out the old new card.
- Right and what happened?
- Uh, they paired
me up with myself.
(laughing)
Flankers!
- Well, we've run out of time.
Thank you Miss William F. Vidal.
This is Goldie Hawn,
switching you back.
- Switching!
(laughing uproariously)
You little cut-up,
there's that word again.
Hike!
(peppy upbeat music)
- And here come the scoops.
- Oh, (giggles) sorry folks.
No news for tonight.
- Oh, Ruth, hold it,
I've got a great item.
Steve McQueen and his secretary
sent out special invitations
for a surprise party
for Steve McQueen's Wife!
(exclaiming)
- Steve McQueen and his
secretary are having an affair
that Mrs. McQueen
knows nothing about.
(laughing)
Bye from Buzzie.
(peppy upbeat music)
You darling.
- I just hate me without bangs.
(laughing)
Anyway, sports fans, put
away your crying towels,
because stepping
into the old center ring
is the old champ himself,
the old man that casts
off sports better than
any old sports caster,
Big Al himself.
Cast off, Big!
- Hi, big Al here in the
old wrestling diamond.
(bell ringing)
Feature act, (bell ringing)
oh, I dig my tinkle.
I dig any tinkle.
I'm a tinkle digger, get it.
Well, I just returned
from the Bobsled Races
and I feel it's about time
somebody exposed them.
Bob sleds indeed!
The one I saw belonged
to a guy named Irvine
and the guys that
ride them, I mean!
All squashed, holding
onto each other
on that silly little sled.
I don't like to
see that in public.
(laughing)
Ta-da!
(bell ringing)
La da de da
Ladies and gents that's
the best of the news
(applauding)
- Oh, so good to see you.
Oh, I've sailed across
a storm ridden ocean,
walked over the hot desert,
survived the bug infested jungle
and climbed this
rugged mountain.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Mama, you trespassin'!
(laughing)
(grunting)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- And now by popular
request for all you guys
in the NBC sales department.
(register cha-chinging)
- There you are Cinderella,
you shall go to
the ball tonight.
- Thank you fairy
godmother for turning
my rags to a beautiful dress
and the pumpkin into a coach
and the white mice into horses.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- I wish I had a better figure.
- Don't worry.
(whimsical music)
(swooshing)
- Oh thank you.
- Oh, that's alright and
here's a $100 spending money,
but I want to tell you
kid, if you're not back
by 12 you're in a lot of trouble
and there'll be one
very disappointed prince.
- But why?
- Because at midnight,
the money disappears
and you'll be flat busted again.
(laughing)
- What?
You say you want
more for your money?
You say you want something
new and fresh and exciting?
Well, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
Here it is the
hottest item in town,
NBC's new handy
dandy station break.
It's umm umm good
and it's good for you.
(claps)
Whoo!
(laughing)
What?
You say you're
still not satisfied?
You say you want some more?
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
We're gonna let you
have another dose
of what you got before.
Here it is, whoo!
(laughing)
Everybody loves
somebody sometimes
(peppy upbeat music)
(gagging)
(laughing)
- Smog.
(laughing)
- Oh, oh big mystic.
I fought off dens of savages,
fought through wild,
wild packs of wolves,
waded through pirranha
infested jungles and rivers,
so fatigued that I had to
crawl for the last hundred miles.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Sorry mama, we closed at noon.
(screeching)
(laughing)
- Listen I understand
that Carlo Ponte
is rushing to Sophia
Loren's bedside.
- Well wouldn't you?
(laughing)
- Whoo, no, because if I
did, I'd be late for the party.
- There's a party at
Sophia Loren's bedside?
- No, there's a
party right here.
- Do I get a choice?
(laughing)
- Forget about him folks.
Let's go along to the party.
- Hey Sophia, I hate
to be late for your party,
but I gotta go to a party.
(laughing)
Come on Sophia.
- Would you stop.
(applauding)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Boris and I did great in
our sex education class.
We were voted the
mostly likely to succeed!
(peppy upbeat music)
- True the mission of the
church is to cleanse the soul,
but that's still no
reason to refer
to Sunday mornings as a
one hour cleaning service.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Dick, I'm afraid you
only like me for my body,
not for my brain.
- Oh, pussy cat
that's ridiculous,
you have beautiful brains.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- My son-in-law said I was
a prying, nosy old busybody.
Oh, but he wouldn't
say it to my face.
He's such a sweet boy.
I had to hear it
through the key hole.
(peppy upbeat music)
- Do you know
Jeremy, in our country,
one of our biggest
problems is the fact
that the crime rate
is rising 11 times
faster than the birth rate.
- Well, no wonder old man,
it doesn't take nine months
to uh, hold up
a filling station.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Teresa?
- Yeah?
- Did you know
the president gets
$40,000 a year for entertaining?
(chuckles)
- I'd have to see his act first
before I'd lay out
that kind of bread.
(peppy upbeat music)
- Goldie!
- What?
- Did you know
that Lincoln wrote
the Gettysburg Address
on the back of an envelope?
- Well that's silly,
he should know
the address goes on
the front of the envelope.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- There was a riot on
Fire Island this summer,
the police broke it
up by using mace,
with just a hint of mint.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- I see where
Johnny Carson invited
Tiny Tim to be
married on his program.
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
Who knows, maybe they'll
spend their honeymoon
on mission impossible.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- I went out on a
double date last night
and it was a lot of fun,
but I wished there'd
been another girl along.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- You know I think
President Nixon
has a wonderful
new national diet.
He's reducing the
troops in Vietnam.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Before I read
the Love Machine,
I thought it was a book about
two teenagers in a parked car.
(peppy upbeat music)
(applauding)
- [Woman] Mr. President, I have
some good news and some bad.
First, Senator
Strom Thurman says
he can deliver
the south in 1972.
Now, for the bad news,
this time he wants to
pick the president too!
(laughing)
(sirens wailing)
- The most asked
question this week
is who was the
world's skinniest man?
- And the answer
is Walter Geiger,
who was six feet seven
and weighed 12 pounds.
- Now, the second
most asked question was
what was the most amazing
disappearance case in history?
- And the answer is the
case of Walter Geiger,
who disappeared when
he fell down his trousers.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Well, once again
folks, it's time for
the flying fickle
finger of fate award.
- And who gets
the cynical cylinder
this auspicious occasion?
- Well, last May 15th, now
I want you to pay attention.
- Right.
- Disaster struck the
nuclear submarine Guitarro.
- Those dirty reds,
they've gone too far.
Hm, where'd it happen?
- San Francisco Bay.
- They have gone too
far, those dirty reds.
- Now, just simmer
down, according
to the Congressional
Investigators,
the disaster was an accident.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- No, no, it you
see this happened
when two crews of
our civilian workers
were conducting
tests by pumping water
into the submarine,
just testing see
and while one group was forward
and the other group was aft,
but neither group new what
the other group was doing.
- I'm getting a sinking feeling.
- Yes, well, so
did the submarine.
The $50 million Guitarro
went right to the bottom
of San Francisco Bay.
- Well, I guess we might as
well leave it right there huh?
- Oh, no, no, au contraire.
They're not going to leave it.
The estimated cost of
salvage to the tax payers
may run as high as $30 million.
- That's a lot of
money to dredge up.
How'd it happen.
- Isn't that interesting?
According to the
Congressional Committee
and I'm quoting now,
that although accidental,
the immediate
cause of the sinking
was the culpable negligence
of certain shipyard employees.
- Alright certain
shipyard employees,
now hear this take
this down to 50 feet.
- And blow it out
your torpedo tubes.
(laughing)
- For them the fickle
finger, full speed down.
- Right.
- And be sure to
tune in next week folk,
when the flying
fickle finger of fate,
or the shivery shift
as our censor calls it,
goes to the Atlantic
City Police force
who locked a teenager
girl with medium length hair
and a teenage boy
with shoulder length hair
in the same cell for eight days.
You Atlantic City bobbies
might be fighting the crime wave,
but you're not doing
too much about
the population
explosion are you?
(laughing)
- That reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden
and the fascinating
way in which she trained
the elephant to keep
flies off the shawl.
It is a goody.
(laughing)
- Just keep all those cards
and letters coming in folks.
Our little Jeanne and I
would especially want to thank
little old Dennis Ink of
New Philadelphia, Ohio.
I thought I was taller.
For sending us his
wonderful little jokes.
We're sending you
two whole dollars,
two whole dollars Dennis,
to show our appreciation.
- Goldie, what has
six legs and a bra?
- Peter, Paul and Mary.
(laughing)
- Oh, oh great mystic, oh.
To get here, I had to
swim the North Atlantic,
fight off herds of
starving Polar Bears,
walk a thousand miles
over frozen glaciers
and drag my exhausted
body five miles
up the side of the mountain.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Uh, do you wanna
rest a couple minutes,
before you go back, mama?
- Uh huh.
- Well, that's long enough.
(squealing)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Chris gonna find Ray Charles,
Willie gonna hit that ball,
and NBC's gonna ring it's chime.
(register cha-chinging)
Whoo!
(peppy upbeat music)
- Laugh-In has
been getting lots...
(splashing)
(laughing)
oh, why, why'd you do that?
You know, we had an
agreement remember,
no more sock it to me.
(splashing)
(laughing)
Listen, I said no more.
- This has been
Laugh-In request time,
a stroll down memory
lane when none of us
were dry behind the ears.
(splashing)
(laughing)
Or in front of the ears.
(splashing)
Transcribe.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Mystic, oh, I
received your message
and I swam the
shark infested ocean.
I dragged myself up
the side of this mountain.
Although I'm dying from
a poisonous snake bite,
what words do you
have to say to me?
- It's a shame
mama you didn't get
my second message not to come.
(laughing)
Whoo!
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- How does it feel now
that Richard Nixon's
been in the President's
office for 200 days?
- Don't ask me, ask
Johnson, it's his office.
- You know, it must be
awful for President Nixon
to have all those secret
service men around him
24 hours a day.
- Yeah, how'd you like
to say good night dear
and have six people answer?
- Hm, that must be pretty rough.
- Yeah, four or five
okay, but six that's silly.
- Yeah and the hotline,
what a worry that has to be.
- Huh?
- Well, now surely you
know what the hotline is.
- The fire's getting
worse every minute.
- What are you talkin' about?
- That's a hotline.
- Oh, no.
Of course on the other hand,
at least he has the
comforts of Air Force One.
- Is she still around?
- Air Force One is an airplane.
- Oh, she's this girl
that used to hang around
at the main gate
at Langley Field.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- We used to call
her Air Force One.
- I said I don't
wanna hear about it.
- She was a proud
bird with a golden...
(laughing)
- Oh, I'd give all of
Sunday's collection,
if the cast would
just sing a song now
and get us out of this mess.
(laughing)
(rhythmic clapping)
Deep in the heart of
Texas (all exclaiming)
- Mr. Johnson what do you
think of the new Vice President?
- Spiro?
- Uh huh.
- Well, uh, he's no Hubert
H. Humphry, I'll tell you that.
(all exclaiming)
(laughing)
Hello, Hubert?
It is Hubert.
- [Teresa] It's Hubert.
- He has a new job at a college.
- [Teresa] Uh oh.
- How's it going Hubert?
You did?
What a drag.
(laughing)
Goodbye Hubert.
- [Girls] What happened?
- Poor Hubert, he got
a C in Government.
- [Girls] Aww!
- Poor Baby.
- Yes, it's not easy being
an ex-Vice President.
- No.
- It's not even easy
being a Vice President.
You know when Hubert
was Vice President,
they didn't even give
him a place to live.
- [Girls] Aww!
- As a matter of fact, sir,
Mr. Agnew's having
the same problem.
(cow mooing)
- Uh, Mr. President?
- Yes?
- Congress has refused
to appropriate any funds
for a Vice
Presidential residence.
Well, you know how crowded
Washington has become.
- It certainly has.
- Well, you've got this
big house all to yourself
and I was wondering if
we could move in with you.
(chuckling)
- Well, uh, Spiro.
- Uh, sir, that's Spiro.
- Right, right.
Well, let me say this about that
and I want to make
this perfectly clear.
There are two
solutions to this problem.
Now, one solution is
to appoint a committee,
thoroughly investigate
the entire situation.
- Uh huh, but
Mr. President, that could take
as much as three years.
By then I might
be out of office.
- That's the second solution.
(laughing)
- Do you realize that
since the president
can only serve two terms
when Mr. Nixon leaves office,
we may wind up
with a Spiro of '76?
Whoo!
(peppy upbeat music)
- Some people have
a woman president.
Does that mean the
first lady will be a man?
(laughing)
What'll they wear?
(laughing)
(applauding)
Deep in the heart
of Texas (laughing)
- Hey how 'bout that Pentagon?
- How 'bout it?
(laughing)
- You know something?
I have some fond
memories of those ol' boys.
- Oh, me too.
(laughing)
- Well, as a matter of fact,
the President is having
a serious problem there.
See, he and the
congress don't know
how the Pentagon is
spending so much money.
- Well, how could they know,
when the Pentagon
doesn't even know?
(laughing)
- Sir?
Oh, sir, I'm sorry sir,
but Congress just called
and they want to
know what we did
with the $300 million.
We're over budget
on that Halifax project.
- Yeah, they gettin'
nosy up there ain't they?
- Yeah, well they
wanna know what
we did with the money.
- Well, uh, look,
look, I'll tell you what.
Uh, you tell 'em, that I
took somebody to lunch.
(laughing)
- Sir, your silly.
- You don't think
they'll go for that?
- No, they're not gonna believe
you spent $300 million dollars
taking someone to lunch.
- Oh, I could spend
$300 million for lunch
if I took the 8th army.
(laughing)
- You know you could.
- You know, I'm a big tipper.
(laughing)
- Aw, come on sir, this
is business, come on.
Get serious, what am
I gonna tell congress?
- Okay, okay -
About the $300 million
- I got it, I got it, okay.
- Alright.
- Look okay,
now we'll tell 'em that we spent
five million for the
preliminary study.
- Five million
preliminary study.
- Got that.
- Got that.
- Two million
for the blueprints.
- Two million, that's
good, blueprints.
- And 35 million for wages.
- 35 million, sorry, sorry,
I need to carry my one.
Sir, that leaves
us with 259 million.
- Well, there gotta
be something for us.
(laughing)
- One way to cut
the military budget
is to get the Armed
Forces off salary,
and put them on piece work, hmm?
Super.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(rhythmic clapping)
Deep in the heart
of Texas (exclaiming)
- What do you
think about welfare?
- [Teresa] Oh yeah.
- Well if President Nixon
closes anymore tax loopholes,
I may find out first hand.
(laughing)
- Oh, sir do you
think that people
on welfare get enough money?
- Well, if they scrimp
and save they can get by,
but it is nice to have
something put away
for a rainy day.
(laughing)
- Uh, now what seems to
be the problem Mrs. Higgins?
- Well, I just can't live
on my welfare money.
Oh, it's lucky I
have a little savings.
- Well, how much
are you getting dear?
- $43 a month.
- $43 a month.
Well, maybe you're
living too high.
Um, are you a two car family?
- Oh, no.
I can't afford food,
rent or clothing.
- Clothing huh, well how much
have you got sunk
in the clothing?
- Oh, well this is it.
- Nice hat.
- Oh, oh, yes, I did buy a
pair of gloves last month.
I had to, it was so cold.
- And, uh, where'd you get
the money for the gloves?
- I sold my coat.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Oh, dear, I just can't
make it on $43 a month.
It's lucky I have
a little savings.
- Well, Mrs. Higgins,
I'm very sorry,
but we're not gonna be
able to increase your welfare.
You're just gonna have
to learn to budget yourself.
Now, listen, it's very simple.
Um, keep it, keep track
of all your expenses.
I take, go out and buy
yourself a little notebook.
- Buy a little notebook, huh?
Well, there go my savings.
(laughing)
- Mrs. Higgins?
(peppy upbeat music)
- Do you know who guards
the beach at San Clemente?
The secret surfers.
(laughing)
- Oh, Mr. President,
it's so nice
to have you back down here.
We sure missed
you and Lady Bird.
- Oh, it's so nice to hear
that name again, Lady Bird.
- Oh.
- Would you say it again?
- Oh, I'd be proud.
Lady Bird.
Lady Bird.
Dear Mr. Audubon,
if he were alive today
Dear Mr. Audubon,
he would certainly say
Lady Bird (whistling)
You loved-ed
Lady Bird (whistling)
Thanks loads for giving so much
Oop voteriety to
the Audubon society
You're a bird of paradise
My song of praise
Is intended to suffice
For all the other
L.B.J's Like Lady Bird
You clever equal bird
You should be proud as
A great big cock today
You're running
round your Texas pen
Driving all those cowpokes mad
You ask a birdy (twittering)
Lady Bird Tweet,
tweet, I'd like to meet
Lucy Baines and you
Trill, trill up on the hill
Everyone's cuckoo,
cuckoo about you
Lady Bird (squawking)
You're every worship
bird (shrieking)
As when you're locked
up in your gilded cage
You are such an ideal spouse
You never(squawking)
When the (squawking)
Possible But great to
have our (squeaking)
Lady Bird around
the house Lady Bird
(squawking)
We hang on every
word (squawking)
That your dear wonderful
husband has said
But now that you're
both hangin' loose
He's gone double
turkey to the goose
He's so persuading
For another Lady Bird
You are now a leisure bird
Barbecuing is the
word You do your all
You all do all You
Lady Bird (squawking)
(laughing)
(dramatic music)
(applauding)
- You know, some people think
Mr. Nixon is a better president.
- But I'll say one
thing for Lyndon,
he's a lot more laughs.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Oh, great mystic.
To get here I have
walked 13,000 miles
across deserts,
jungles and mountains.
What words do you
have to say to me?
- Uh, mama, can I
sell you some sandals?
I got these in a 9b.
- Oh, that's not my size.
- Then forget about it.
- Whoa!
(screaming)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Whoo!
(laughing)
- Oh great mystic,
I received your call.
I walked 2,000
miles to the Amazon,
was captured by worm worshipers
and held prisoner for 10 years.
I escaped and ran for two months
without stopping to get to you.
To fill the vacancy
as your disciple.
Oh, great one, what words
do you have to say to me?
- I'm sorry, mama, I was
lookin' for a younger girl.
(squealing)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(knocking)
- Oh!
Who is it?
- [Maurice] Maurice Chevelle!
- Oh, Maurice Chevelle?
- [Maurice] Yes, trick or treat.
- Oh, what's the treat.
- [Maurice] I'm going to come in
and make mad
passionate love to you.
- Oh, oh, oh, what's the trick.
- [Maurice] I am 81.
(laughing)
- Oh, darn.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(drumroll beating)
- Moving right along now,
here's our department
called potpourri.
- I wonder if you'd care to hear
something my aunt
once said to me.
- As you know, potpourri
is a collection of madness
for children of all ages.
- Actually, my aunt
said this on VJ day
when the submarine
she'd been hiding out on
surfaced and came up for the air
for the first time
in four years.
She'd had her thumb
caught in the periscope
for 15 months and
had surfaced five times
and had learned
to hold her breath
for five and a half minutes.
- As I said, friends,
it's time for potpourri.
- Mark my words,
someday the railroad
will come through
here, and why not?
We already got an
airport and a bus station.
(laughing)
- Oh waiter can we
have those two beers.
Aw, do you realize
you bowled a 186?
- Aw, but honey, remember
that spare you picked up?
You were fantastic.
- Thank you, you
know that was one
of the nicest days
of bowling I've...
(rumbling)
(clattering)
(laughing)
Could we have those two beers?
(peppy upbeat music)
- And two, and three, and four.
(thumping)
Uh, you no got rhythm.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Yes.
Oh, well, land sakes.
(giggling)
Well, my stars.
Oh, oh, how positively unique.
(exclaiming)
Oh, well don't you think
that's a bit dangerous?
(exclaiming)
Oh, why that's
almost unbelievable!
Oh, oh well.
(giggling)
Well, how would you do that?
(giggling)
(exclaiming)
Well, all the luck in the world.
Bye now.
(giggling)
Oh, and take care.
(giggling)
Oh.
Hello, I'd like to report
an obscene phone call.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Alright, this town
ain't big enough
for the both of us Tex.
- Well, I know,
that's why I bought
this darling little
cottage in the suburbs.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- You're being very brave
about this Sir Quinsley.
Just when did you find out
that your wife was dead?
- Right after I shot her.
(laughing)
- That's it for
potpourri tonight folks.
- You did that very well Goldie.
- Huh, Gold, that's
just right honey.
- Surprised you
huh Dick and Dan?
- No, not at all.
- Danny and Dick
- No, it didn't
surprise either way.
- That's funny, it surprised me.
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Mystic, I have walked across
the burning deserts of Nairobi,
swam the shark infested
waters of the Nile,
and fought of 16 hunger
maddened gorillas
just to have you
bless this medal.
Whoopsy doodle.
- Mama, you got
the wrong mystic.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(screaming)
(laughing)
- Well, as the announcer used to
regretfully announce at the
end of the Tammy Grimes show,
we have come to the
end of another one.
It's time to say good night.
- Before we leave,
I would like to make
a public service announcement.
- Proceed sir.
- For those of you who
didn't see Gunsmoke tonight,
they had a very tragic story.
- [Dan] Oh, really, what was it?
- Well, a wealthy
cattle baron discovered
his cattle weren't wealthy.
(laughing)
- Poor cows, say
good night Dick.
- Good night Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(applauding)
(dramatic music)
- Chris!
- Yes?
- Why does a
fireman carry a hose?
- Because it won't
fit in his pocket.
- Right!
(laughing)
- Hey, Alan Sues!
Alan, ah.
What has 80 legs,
weighs two tons
and screams a lot?
- 40 women stuck in an elevator.
- [Flip] Whoo!
(laughing)
- You know, my uncle was sick
and the doctor made
him eat 35 tomatoes a day.
- Ah, did it cure him?
- Yeah, but he keeps wantin'
to lie down in the lettuce.
- Lie down in the lettuce?
- Yeah.
(thumping)
- Henry!
Were you ever horse whipped?
- No, my daddy was too
small to pick up a horse,
let alone lie down in lettuce.
(laughing)
- That's nothing, my
dad was even to small
to pick up a chicken.
- Well, now, I'm
wondering why you,
he wasn't chicken whipped.
- Hmm.
- Wait a minute, is that
a chicken whipped joke,
or a chicken joke?
Which one?
Dan, which one?
- Horse joke.
- [Jo Anne] Thank you.
(laughing)
- Hey, Byron!
Byron, ah!
- Yeah?
- What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a chicken?
- A trunk full of eggs.
(laughing)
- Teresa?
- Yeah Dan?
- I knew you were
back there somewhere.
- Back there?
- Listen, if you
took all the chickens
from Wisconsin to New
York, what would you get?
- 30 years for chicken stealing!
- You're right!
- Forget the chickens
there's a gorilla in here!
- Ruth, Ruth,
darling it's all right.
We're just monkeying around.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, but watch out when
he starts to chicken around!
(laughing)
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
(shrieking)
- Hey!
- [Flip] Chicken joke!
- I heard that Raquel
Welch turned down
the lead in the
Cassius Clay story
to accept the part of
Myra Brackreckinridge.
- [Henry] Breckinbridge.
- Breckinbridge.
- [Flip] Breckinridge
- I heard that...
- [Pamela] Raquel!
- Raquel.
- I heard, I heard
that Raquel Walsh
turned down the lead
in the Cassius Clay...
- [Henry] Welch!
- [Ruth] Welch!
(all shouting)
- I heard, I heard that...
- Welch.
- Raq...
- Give him a chance.
- I, I heard that
Raquel Wall, Welch,
(laughing)
turned down the
lead - Raquel Welch!
- Turned down the lead
- Wrote a poem today!
- In the Cassius
Clay story - Whoo!
- To accept the part
of Myrna Breckenridge.
(laughing)
- Myra!
- Myra.
- Brecken Breckenridge!
- Myron Breckenridge!
- That's it.
Good night folks.
- Welch!
- Whoo!
(sirens wailing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(drumroll beating)
(cymbals clanging)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(grunting)
(peppy upbeat music)
(cranking squeal)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
- Will there be
anything else sir?
(peppy upbeat music)
(laughing)
(peppy upbeat music)
(thumping)
(squealing)
(laughing)
- Oh great mystic, I
received your message.
I have swum the every ocean.
I have been bitten
by millions of snakes,
but it is all worth it.
I am here to spend the
rest of my life with you.
Just the two of us
from here to eternity!
(screaming)
(laughing)
- The preceding
show was prerecorded
in a lead lined room to keep
the deadly gases from escaping.
Letters to Laugh-In
on the other hand
stands open and unashamed
every afternoon on NBC TV.
- What's that you say?
You say you still
haven't had enough?
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
Tonight and tonight only,
for each and every
member of the audience,
we have this special gift!
Whoo!
(laughing)
(leaves rustling)
- Very interesting,
but very loud.
(laughing)
All right night fighter,
go to your bunker.
Now, crazy, I'll come back
to your bunker next week.
Think about it.
(laughing)
(snappy bouncy music)
(clapping)
(squeaking)
(clinking)
(clapping)
(dramatic music)
(clapping)