Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now, from the
throne room of the
beautiful downtown
Burbank winter palace
and hardware store, NBC
gives you a royal nailing called
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Presided over by his
majesty, Dan Rowan,
and his lovely princess,
Queen Dick Martin.
Tonight's show will
feature Natalie Wood
in the role of Eli Wallach.
Telly Savalas as Anne Jackson.
Romy Schneider will be portrayed
by the lovely and
talented Dean Martin.
Appearing as each
other are Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and the dulcet tone of our
own little Jo Anne Worley.
With these lovely new
folk, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam,
with Ed McMahon in the
title role of Gary Owens,
with Morbo the friendly drell.
Clown it up Have a ball
Tell a joke, get
a laugh Try a fall
Make a face Ring a bell
Do a schtick, try a trick
Really sell, sell,
sell Cross your eyes
Take a chance If
the crowd isn't loud
Drop your pants
If you running out of laughter
And you want to fill the cup
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
- Tell me, darling,
what do you get
when you cross a
Democrat with a Republican?
- I don't know, what?
- A jackass, darling,
that never forgets.
- Hey, dear, do you
think the day will come
when there'll be
Americans in Vietnam?
- I think the day will come
when there won't be
anybody in Vietnam.
- Hi, Byron, hi.
- Do believe in sex
before marriage?
- Oh, yes, but on
the other hand,
I wouldn't want to be
late for the ceremony.
- How do you feel about the way
they treated the
American Indians?
- Oh, every time I think
about it, I just see red.
- Do you think they'll
ever make a TV series
out of the Jacqueline Susann's
book, The Love Machine?
- If they do, I'd like to
see Truman Capote in it.
- Oh sure, they can call it
My World, and Welcome to It.
- Do you realize that
trains are transporting
deadly gas all
around our country?
- So what's the big deal?
Automobiles have
been doing that for years.
- Take all the sex and
violence out of the movies,
and what have you got?
- An empty theater.
- Take all the sex and
violence out of the news
report and what have you got?
- A 30 minute weather report.
- Take all the excitement,
sex, and violence,
entertainment, and taste out
of a 30 minute weather report,
and what have you got?
- Hee-Haw.
- That's right, a jackass
who never forgets.
- Oh, and you know what I think?
I think that the people
who live by airports
exaggerate the amount
of noise the planes make.
- What?
Cross your eyes Make a face
If the group is a
poop, show your place
If your world's a
world of laughter
Be it hip or hep or hop
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
- Hold it, folks.
If you think we're
clowns, watch this.
- Mr. Thurmond, will
you try this new spread,
White House Margarine?
- Why certainly, child.
(bell dings)
- Why, Strom, there's
a crown on your head.
- I know, and I likes it.
- Alright, enough of this
clowning around stuff.
Now let's get to NBC's
real money-making circus.
Watch this.
(bell rings)
- And now, here's
a peach of a pear
that'll wrinkle your prune.
- Dan Rowan, along
with that old prune wrinkler
and friend of the
working girl, Dick Martin,
and his gotcha.
- Gotcha.
Where's his gotcha?
- Gotcha!
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Look at that crowd.
- Ah, such unbridled enthusiasm.
Hey, what did you
do over the weekend?
- Well, I had a great time.
I went down to Tee-ah-ju-wana.
- No, no, no, I went
down to Tijuana.
Tijuana.
- I didn't know that.
Funny I didn't run into you.
- Yeah, it's strange,
such a small place.
What'd you go down there for?
- Well, you see, I know
this lady bull fighter.
- How'd you find her?
I mean, there aren't too
many lady bull fighters around.
- Ah, but then again, there
aren't too many lady bulls.
- That's true.
I know I shouldn't ask this,
but where did you meet her?
- Well, at the bull
fights last years.
I'll never forget it.
While the crowd screamed,
ole, she stood motionless,
framed in the doorway.
- Yeah, well, did she
finally come through?
- She certainly did.
- Oh, I'm so happy.
- You would have loved her.
What grace, what footwork,
as she lowered her cape,
and then came
the moment of truth.
- Yeah, she killed the bull.
- No, her husband walked in.
- Into the arena?
- No into her place.
See, she has a
very big hacienda.
Not only that, but her
veranda overlooks her patio,
and her porch swings.
- You think her porch swings,
wait til you get into my
hammock, Dicky-boy.
- Where's your hammock?
- Oh, right back there.
Gotcha!
(screams)
- At that very moment, in
a speeding moon rocket,
Wilma turned to Buck
Rogers and said...
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Uncle Al.
- Uncle Al who?
- Oh, I never knew
he had a last name.
Anyway, here he
is, Uncle Al Who.
- Hi!
Hi, kids, it's your Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal, hello,
little friends, hello.
Well, kids, oh, Uncle Al had
a lot of medicine last night.
He feels terrible today.
Let's look in the
Uncle Al's fun pit,
and what do we
have, the buttsie toy.
- [Boy] The what?
- The footsie toy.
Now you take it, you
put it on your foot...
(little girl crying)
What's the matter,
Debra, what's the matter?
You're going to
get the footsie toy.
You're going to get it.
- [Boy] I know how to do it.
- Well, we'll show you
next week how to do it.
Now... - [Man] I love you.
- I told you, Roger, not
to come around here.
Now, that's it for
today, kids, Uncle Al's
had it with the footsie toy.
Uncle Al's really had it.
Okay, this was Uncle
Al, the kiddies' pal,
goodbye little friends, goodbye.
(playful music)
(speaking in German)
- What?
- My name is Romy Schneider.
- Can't even speak English.
- New trend towards
non-involvement
can have very,
very strange results.
- Well, I don't know, but,
but I think the
people in favor of
a non-involvement policy
for Americans are right.
- Oh, Wilbur, forget politics,
enjoy your vacation stay.
(speaking in Spanish)
Wilbur, aren't you
going to do anything?
- Ignore him, we
don't want any trouble.
Just remember our
policy is non-involvement.
- Ah, mi corazon.
- Wilbur, do something.
Oh!
- Don't worry, he'll go away,
just act like he's not here.
- (moaning in pleasure) Okay.
Wilbur, did you
write to your mother?
- Mother, mother?
Oh yes, I wrote to my mother.
Did you send Aunt
Harriet those beads?
- Well, I've been
so busy, I forgot.
- [Wilbur] You forgot?
Did you send Nelly
the birthday card?
- Yes, with a picture
of the bull fight on it.
- [Wilbur] Oh, she'll like that.
- Wilbur, you've
got to do something!
Oh!
- As soon as they
see you don't care
and don't want to get
involved, they'll go away.
- Ay caramba.
- Don't say that to me, Desi.
(guns firing)
- See, I told you,
there's no trouble,
so long as you
don't get involved.
Let's go.
- Oh, oh, waiter,
would you have that one
patched up and sent to my room?
- We've got some good
news and some bad news.
First, my husband
gets to make love to
his leading lady in
his next motion picture.
- Now for the bad news.
She's my leading lady.
Gotcha!
- Sister Teresa, I
really didn't mind
taking the vow of poverty.
- Oh, neither did
I, sister Goldie.
I was broke anyway.
- What does it say?
- It says Ramses III
died when he sneezed
and blew his kneecaps
off, causing him
to fall from his chariot.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Nobody could sneeze that hard.
(lid creaking open)
(boinging)
(trumpets playing fanfare)
(laughs)
- (squealing) Hi!
- We've finally found it.
- After searching for all
these years in the desert.
- Ah, Ramses Tuconkin II.
(lid creaking open)
(woman gasps)
What is it?
- We're too late, he's dead.
- There's nothing to say.
(playful music)
(glass breaking)
- Miss Schneider, you're
an actress, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'd like you to
read these lines, please.
And be convincing.
- Gladys is the most beautiful,
voluptuous
creature in the world.
I should get an
Oscar for that one.
- Oh, if you get an
Oscar, would you see
if he's got a brother
who would like to meet
a beautiful,
voluptuous creature?
- Very interesting.
- So am I.
- Now tonight we
salute an institution
that has contributed
greatly in making
this country what it is today.
From a crude beginning,
through hard work
and American know
how, it has built itself up
into one of the vital
factors in our economy.
- Oh, I know, tonight
we're going to salute
American Tel & Tel.
- No, bigger than that.
- Ford Motor Company?
- Oh, bigger than that.
- Then it can only be
Schlager Friendly Productions.
What's bigger than that?
- Well, I'm going to tell
you what's bigger than that.
Tonight, Laugh-In salutes...
(singing a fanfare)
Boy you really got that
instrument in shape.
- Thank you.
- Tonight Laugh-In
salutes organized crime.
Cheese it kids,
here come the cops
Here come the cops
Here come the cops
Some folk love their
vodeodo Vodeodo
Well, what do they know
'Cause we love
living a life of crime
Rat-tat-i-tat
Some folks love to roll the jack
Polling the jack
Let's send it all back 'cause
We love living a life of crime
Dirty coppers
Mayhem, we deal in it
Fum paws, we're feeling it
Bankrolls, we're
stealing that money
Funny, honey
Some folk love that razzamatazz
Razzamatazz Well,
maybe that's jazz, but
We love living a life of crime
Baby Face Nelson
Bank tips, we shiver 'em
Gumballs, deliver 'em
Stoolies, the river is muddy
Buddy, but it's
Some folks might
retire to a farm
Retire to a farm
Well, maybe it's charm, but
We love living a life with it
We love stealing a life with
We love living a life of crime
(audience applauding)
In the 20s, when you needed
a drink, who got it for you?
Organized crime.
- And today, who satisfies
the huge demand for narcotics?
Organized crime.
- That's right, Harriet.
- That's right, Bevel.
- At least they don't
push cigarettes.
Cigarette can kill you.
- And organized
crime is efficient.
You may not always
be able to find an officer
when you want one, but
you can always find a bookie.
- They say crime doesn't pay,
but just ask them
about public officials.
- As a public official,
I say it's an outrage
that payments are being
made to protect gamblers.
Payments are being
made to protect pushers.
Payments are being made
to protect all kinds of criminals.
And one thing
that's worst of all,
the payments are always late!
- The head of the
number racket in Burbank
can only count to seven.
- And now my last
question, Big Jerry Barbara.
Many citizens claim that
you as head of the syndicate
are paying off the city hall.
Some say you have the
mayor of this city in your pocket.
(laughs)
- That's ridiculous.
Mayor Guthrie in my
pocket, it's laughable.
Why, we don't have that
kind of mayor, little girl.
There's no man
that's got the mayor
of our town in his pocket,
there isn't that kind of money,
and you can print that.
- Right, thank you.
- That's telling 'em,
ain't it, Mr. Mayor?
- I'm not afraid of
violence in the streets,
and neither is my bodyguard.
- Organized crime
is progressive.
Today they adapted
modern business methods
to run the organization.
Thanks.
- Well, Big Charlie, that about
takes care of your tax return.
Just a matter of applying sound
business techniques
to your operation.
- Did you deduct
my five bodyguards,
cost me 20,000 a piece?
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's a hundred thou
for health insurance.
- What about the four
times the East Side Gang
tried to knock me off
by blowing up my car?
- Oh, certainly, have
it right here, see?
32 thou automobile depreciation.
- Okay.
How's about the
cement I used to dump
the East Side Gang
in the Hudson River?
That's um, 40 bags,
25 bucks a piece.
- Oh, well of
course, we cover that
as $1000 for improvements, see?
- You keep this up, I ain't
gonna pay tax note at all, huh?
- Well, sure.
Now look, see what I mean
about sound business techniques?
In fact, your only
cost is my $5,000.
- 5,000.
Wait a minute.
I got a sound business technique
that cuts that to 25 bucks.
- $25 for my fee?
- No, 25 bucks for one
more bag of cement.
How 'bout that, shorty?
- Crime may not
pay, but it's tax free.
- And what about
our entertainment?
Those wonderful
movies that have kept us
laughing all through the years?
Bonnie and Clyde, George and Ed,
the John Dillinger Story.
- Why, if it weren't
for Little Caesar,
where would Ed Richie
Robinson be today?
- I tried those movies,
showed us organized crime
has its sentimental side.
The family was important.
- Yes, and today in a cold
and often indifferent society,
organized crime serves
as an example to all of us.
They take care of their own.
I needed that.
- Okay.
Ladies and gents,
tonight we are honoring
Salvatore Annucci,
who's retiring from the
family after 45 years.
And in appreciation for
those glorious 45 years,
we're presenting you,
Salvatore Annucci,
with this gift.
A glorious .45.
(men cheering)
Salvatore has done
more for our business
than any other man alive.
Last year alone, Salvatore
rubbed out three stoolies,
he knocked off four
state's witnesses,
and wiped out the
whole West Side Gang,
and enjoyed every minute of it.
I guess it's just that
Salvatore Annucci loves life.
(men cheering)
Salvatore Annucci
didn't always have it easy.
You know the first
contract the gang gave him
was to rub out his own father?
Sal did it.
That's the kind of man
we're honoring here tonight.
And I only wish his
father were alive to see it.
(men cheering)
And Salvatore, I
feel qualified to make
this presentation tonight,
because I am the one
who knows you best.
I know your whole life.
I know your strengths, I
know your weaknesses.
I know everything about you.
So here, here...
Now what do you say, Salvatore?
- I say, you know too much.
(gun firing)
- And so tonight,
we have saluted...
(singing fanfare)
Organized crime.
- And we hope you'll
remember that in spite of all
the criticism and
blame levied against it,
organized crime
in the United States
can only be as
good as we make it.
- Yes, so come on
America, it's up to you.
- And now here is
today's vicious rumor.
When Tuesday
Well travels incognito,
she registers under
an assumed day.
- What does it say?
- It is a curse.
Anyone who defiles
this tomb will...
- Will what?
(playful music)
(trumpets playing fanfare)
- If James Drury is
watching, I love you,
and I love you for what you are.
Oh, I'd give anything
to be a Virginian.
- This station break by NBC,
it don't make sense either.
- You know, Romy,
I have always liked
the music of Wagner.
- That's Vahg-ner.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- That's vel-come.
(lid creaking open)
- Good heavens, look,
he's taking his bandages off!
- We'll, if it hasn't
healed in 2000 years,
it's never going to get better.
(harmonica playing "There's
No Place Like Home")
- I told him not to sign
with William Morris.
Costigation We have
got the information
In a way We hope will amuse you
(singing wordlessly)
We have come To
give you our news
La la ti da Ladies and gents
Now we go to the news Here's Dan
- Now with the news
is a press, here's a man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Quicky.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Alright.
San Francisco, the
vice squad raided
a nudie film house last
night, and when asked
why it took 14 men
four hours to arrest
an audience of three old
men, the chief explained,
well for one thing it
was a double feature.
San Quintin, prison officials
said today that the program
of wives visiting inmates
was a great success.
The lone dissenter, prisoner
Ed "The Rabbit" Hookstraton,
who said, I felt
terriburl, terrible,
during my wife's entire visit.
Every time I looked
over and saw my cellmate
just standing there
with nothing to do.
You see, she didn't
have any visitors.
A scientific survey reveals that
only the female mosquito stings.
They way to control
them is through sex.
However, another report reveals
that they'll sting you no
matter what you're doing.
(laughs)
This is old "Bee Bite"
Martin, signing off.
Take it away, Goldie.
- Aah.
- Go ahead, Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the future,
20 years from
now, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's, um, Dean King.
- No, that's Dan, you
delightful ding-dong.
- Here's Dan, the
delightful ding-dong.
- Thank you, Goldie.
- Dan, I think you
better look out,
someone's calling you ding-dong.
- Yeah, well, you watch
out for me, will you.
Detroit, Michigan,
1989, 20 years from now,
the Detroit Lions of the NFL
today made another proposal
to all-American halfback
OJ Simpson Junior.
The package included a
salary of $750,000 a year,
controlling interest in
the Ford Motor Company,
and the Governorship
of Michigan.
OJ turned the
offer down, saying,
I ain't gonna play til they
pay me what I'm worth.
Saigon, 1989, 20 years from now,
with the withdrawal of the
last U.S. troops from Vietnam,
the Saigon government
announced that 10,000
black marketeers,
15,000 con artists, and
6000 bar owners have
been forced out of business.
General Key said
this is further indication
of the United States
failing to support
the economy of Vietnam.
Next news item of the future,
1989, 20 years from now,
Julian Goodman, president
of NBC today announced
that as far as he's
concerned, the top-rated show,
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, will remain
on the NBC
schedule indefinitely.
The question is, what does
the National Biscuit Company
see in the aging
"Bee Sting" Dick Martin
and his youthful
companion, Dan Rowan?
- And for the news of the past.
The Laugh-In news goes
scurrying back to Philadelphia.
- I spent a week in
Philadelphia one night.
- And Benjamin Franklin.
Roll 'em, Ben.
- How's the press
coming, Mr. Franklin?
- Oh, fine, fine.
Now you see (taps on handle),
by pulling this handle here,
this plate exerts
pressure there.
The press is finished.
Now, you give me pants,
and I'll show you how it works.
- It's time now for
Laugh-In News Extra,
another on-the-spot interview.
- I'm here in Sandusky, Ohio,
with Mr. Jay Aubry, who
claims to have witnessed
the landing of an
unidentified flying object.
Mr. Aubry, could you tell us,
what was the first
thing you noticed?
- My wife, Livesta,
don't push it in my mouth.
So then I went
out onto the porch,
and there on the lawn I saw
a large cigar shaped object.
- Yes, what was it?
- A large cigar.
Then the flying
saucer landeded, and
a horribible creature got out.
- Could you tell us
what it looked like?
- Well, let me see if I
can give you some idea.
Can you picture a man
with his tongue hanging out?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, then can you
picture a man with his tongue
hanging out all the
way to the ground?
- Mm-hmm.
- Now picture the same
thing, without a man.
- And that's it from
Sandusky, Ohio.
La da di da Ladies and gents
That is what's in the news
- Hello, Ben Franklin of
Ben Franklin's Savings.
- Oh, I love the way you
walk around, and oh...
(singing wordlessly)
(clears throat)
What would you
say to a little hug?
What would you
say to a little kiss?
What would you
say to a little gidgy?
- A what?
- A little gidgy?
- Goodbye, little gidgy.
(lid creaking open)
- Oh, ancient mummy,
what great words
of wisdom do you have,
having slept for 2000 years?
- This girdle's killing me.
(trumpets playing fanfare)
(playful music)
- Mr. Eli Wallach,
you don't think
I remember your,
but I never for-gotcha!
- Aah!
(high pitched giggling)
- Hey, Luci.
(lid creaking open)
- Where am I?
- You're in the year 1969.
- Oh, wow, I'm late for work.
(playful music)
- The Strangest Visit I
Ever Had, by Henry Gibson.
A sore throated
skinny rhinoceros
Flew in my window today
But he didn't feel like talking
So we whistled the silence away
I offered him tea and honey
With some lemon for his cough
"But I don't have one,"
Said he very dryly So
when the water boiled
He flew off.
- Well, if you don't
need me, I'll be going.
- I'll ask him where he's going.
Um, where are you going, Dick.
- He just asked me
where I was going.
I'm going to go see my doctor.
- Listen to this.
Got a good doctor?
- Well, I guess so.
Do you know... - No.
- That he is the
first doctor in history
to remove an
appendix without leaving
the slightest trace of a scar?
- Impossible.
- What is that?
- Well, that's, that's a
gesture of exclamation.
- I see.
Well, you see,
the way he does it,
he ties a string to a mouse.
- Ties a string to a mouse.
- Yeah, and then he
gives him a pair of scissors
and a flashlight, and
says, go get it, baby.
- I find that...
- Two, three four.
- No, no, I...
- You're not going
to louse up my timing.
- I find that hard to swallow,
he said, continuing this.
- Well, maybe you
don't care for mice.
- No, no, no.
- Or Capastrano.
- No, I mean the story...
- You could take your choice.
- The story you told of
the scarless appendix.
I just don't believe it.
- Well, it's true.
- You want to go to the party?
- Why not?
My doctor's there,
maybe you'd like
to take out your appendix.
- No, I had it taken
out, but he could look.
You want to come to the party?
(dance music)
- I see no reason
to doubt the parable
about the lion lying
down with the lamb.
After all, it says nothing
about the lamb getting up again.
- My son-in-law must be awfully
concerned about my safety.
The moment that
I leave the house
he changes the lock on the door.
That's sweet.
- You know, Stevie,
I'm just crazy about art.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, would you like
to come up to my place
and see my Picassos?
- I can almost see
them from here.
- Hey, Judy, talking
about great artists,
I did something this morning
that was very Van Gogh.
When I was shaving,
I nearly cut off my ear.
- Nixon may have said
that the moon landing
was the greatest
thing since Creation,
but what about the other
great events in the Bible?
- Well, you have
to remember, sir,
those things didn't happen
during his administration.
- Boris and I went to a
nude group therapy session
last night, and we were
having a wonderful time,
until the group showed up.
- The new truth in lending law
takes the doubt out
of consumer credit.
It used to be I thought I
was being overcharged.
Now I know I am.
- A big producer invited
me to swim in his pool.
And I didn't have
a bathing suit.
Of course I wouldn't
go in without one,
so I wore one of his.
- Did you hear Mr. Nixon's
got a new welfare plan?
- Oh come on, you gotta
be, what's the matter
with that man, isn't he making
enough money as President?
- You know, Alan,
there's a simple solution
to overcrowded colleges.
If they'd just get the
National Guard and the police
off the campus, there'd
be plenty of room.
- Goldie, have you ever
seen the canals in Venice?
- Um, no, well,
when I was there,
you know, they
were all under water.
(dance music)
- [Mayor] Come on,
baby, light my fire.
- And now, Laugh-In presents
the girl of a thousand tongues.
The language lady,
mademoiselle, fraulein, senora, Mao.
(trilling)
- Como esta, mon
chair, e mon davenports.
(laughs)
That was a un petito bon mon.
First day?
Language, now,
language my darlings,
language is the
language of love,
and learning,
learning is a bore.
Or as they say in
Esperanto, quel bore.
Now then, the word for
today, as you can see,
is monge.
We're saying monge,
eat, stuff, to gorge.
Now say it three
times and it's yours.
Monge, monge, monge.
Don't you feel silly?
And fat!
Ah, nothing, well then,
darlings, this is your
language lady saying
adios muchachos,
see you anon, amigos,
au revoir mon chairs, not
to mention aloha paizon.
- Helpful hints for
German cooking.
First, capture one kitchen.
- Moving right along, here
are the original rhythm boys,
the St. Louis Cardinals.
- Excuse me,
Mr. Wallach, but didn't you
once play a Mexican bandito?
- No, but I do pretty well
on the Spanish guitar.
- Did I hear you
speak of swinging?
Well, our cast has some
rather swift observations
on the subject of
birth control hints.
Regardez them.
- Get a one bedroom apartment,
and ask your
mother-in-law to live in.
- Watch the late show,
the late late show,
and the late late late show.
- Marry a girl with hay fever
and bring out the goldenrod.
- Catch poison ivy all over.
- Restrict your diet to Polish
sausage and garlic bread.
- Tell you wife that
sex is fattening.
- Tell your wife you
just had your hair done.
El mess.
- Marry a girl who
reminds you of your brother
and treat her the same way.
- Wear a dress, a blond
wig, and high heels,
and never mind about your wife.
But look out for
your Uncle Harry.
- Wear lots of cold
cream and put your hair up
in curlers at night.
Well, it worked for my mother.
- Now here's a Romy
Schneider household hint.
How to wash a dachshund.
First, get a long bar of soap.
- Once again, dear
friends, it's time for us
to award the coveted
Flying Fickle Finger of Fate.
- And who gets the
prodigious pinkie this PM?
- Well, it's the same
old crowd again.
- You mean?
- That's right,
for the first time in
the history of the
show, we're going to
award it for the second
time to the same people,
all those boys at the Pentagon.
- And what have those
five-sided squares done now?
- Well, get a load of this.
The Superintendent of
Schools at Lake Arthur
in New Mexico reports
that every time he looks
out of his window, he
sees this tremendous
hole in the ground.
- And he doesn't dig it.
- No, but the Pentagon did.
At a cost to the
taxpayers of $22 million.
- Well, we've been in the
hole at the Pentagon before.
I'm sure they have
something in mind for it.
- Well, they did.
It was going to be a
missile site, you see,
but the program was
abandoned, so now
we got a hole out there
that cost us $22 million.
- I'd say we're in pretty deep.
- Well, I'll tell you how deep.
According to the local
school superintendent,
John Havener, that
money would have financed
his school district
for the next 110 years.
- Aha!
So, take this, you burrowing
beauties in the Pentagon.
- And if you have any
doubts, get in touch with us,
we'll tell you where to bury it.
- Be sure to tune
in next week, folk,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
or the tall terrible
tantalizing tickler,
as our robust
researcher calls it,
will go to all those
manufacturers of DDT,
the groovy
pesticides that will kill
both sprayer and sprayee.
I guess they think DDT
means drop dead twice.
(lid creaking open)
- Who are you?
- I was one of 500 men lifting
a giant block of stone
building this pyramid.
- What happened?
- Well, 499 men knocked for
lunch two seconds before I did.
(trumpets playing fanfare)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(lid creaking open)
- Oh, mummy, after
sleeping for 2000 years,
is there anything you
would like to know?
It's over there.
(playful music)
(laughs)
- Aw, nuts.
(laughs)
Aw, nuts.
(laughs)
Oh, no.
(cheering)
(dishes breaking)
- Well, it's time now to
reach into the old mail pouch
and pick out another
letter to Laugh-In.
This little stinger
comes to us from
Steven Lassau, all the way
from Los Angeles, California.
And two dol, that's
two dollars, are already
winging their way to you,
Steven, for this little goody.
Now watch closely.
- Well, Mrs. Cohen,
you have a fine baby boy.
- Oh, he's heavy.
- Isn't that sweet.
What name did you
have in mind, Mrs. Cohen?
- Nasr.
- Oh, that's interesting.
Nasr, you say.
Well, now are you sure
you want to name him Nasr?
Mrs. Cohen, are
you sure about that?
- Yes, and it Miss Cohen.
- And now, time for
Letters to Laugh-In,
brought to you every
afternoon on NBC TV.
- Hey, Gary, what
are you trying to do,
sneak a plug for
your afternoon show?
- Oh, of course not,
Goldie, all I said was,
and now time for
Letters to Laugh-In,
brought to you every
afternoon on NBC TV.
- Oh, I must have
been imagining things.
(playing harmonic)
- Gee, Mr. Wallach,
that's beautiful.
- Thank you, Goldie, Eli's
been playing that for 20 years.
- Oh, you poor baby, you
must be all out of breath.
- How about doing something
you haven't done yet this year?
- I can't think of anything
I haven't done this year.
- I was speaking of potpourri.
- Potpourri?
- Sure, sort of a grab bag.
- Well, I grabbed
a bag this year,
but I must say I haven't
pulled any pourris.
- I think your time has come.
- I'll drink to that.
- Yes, ladies and
gentlemen, potpourri.
- You know you're not
allowed on the streets,
now keep walking.
- You want to sell a product
today, you sell it with sex.
Not how good the product is,
it's sex, sex, sex that counts.
- Well of course I'm moving.
I mean, I'm not going to
live next to a black family.
- [Woman] Oh, I
know, Nellie, I know.
- I guess we might
as well return to Mars.
- Yeah, we've been
here three days,
and still haven't found
any intelligent life on Earth.
- Alright now, we'll need
your Social Security number
- 843-24-5297.
- Hmm, lot of
people don't know it.
Your driver's license number?
- Uh, 6912803678.
- And your telephone number?
- 555-7000.
- Okay, ZIP code?
- 56601.
- And of course
we'll need your name.
- Hmm?
- Your name?
- Oh.
Hmmmmm, gee, 372184326.
- Thank you very much.
- And we still haven't
found any signs
of intelligent life on Earth.
- Son, you've been
drafted, and before
you're assigned, we'd
like to clear up a few points.
Now let me see.
Place of birth?
- Under a gooseberry bush.
- Favorite hobby?
- I spin straw into gold.
- Good, we, we need leadership.
Now, what's this under family?
You mention a fairy godmother.
- Oh, yes, yes, I
have one, you see I,
I believe in fairies,
and when I'm in trouble
they come to my aid.
- Good, you'll fit
right into the Army.
Oh, Private Capote, we
have one here for you.
- Welcome.
That makes seven this week.
Soon I'll be able to put Humpty
Dumpty back together again.
Hop, two, three, four.
(doorbell ringing)
- James, will you
answer the door?
- Why, certainly, sir.
Ding dong bell, ding dong.
(doorbell ringing)
- Good heavens, it says
your wife is in trouble.
- Oh, darling, do think
there's anything to it?
- Well, I don't
know, but to be sure,
I'd better call her.
- And so that's our department
called potpourri for tonight.
- Hey, you know what I miss?
Potpourri.
You know we haven't
done it all season?
- Well, we just did
it, you ding dong.
- Maybe we oughta
start doing it next week.
- Hey, there's a
good idea, next week
we'll start doing potpourri,
be sure and watch it.
- Oh, horse feathers.
(lid creaking open)
- Heavens, he's alive!
Say something, mummy.
- Did you get the number
of that chariot that hit me?
(playful music)
(bird chirping)
- Wolfgang, the war's been
over for 25 years, come home.
- It's over?
How did we do?
- Not too bad.
We finished second.
- Oh, could have been worse.
We could have come in last.
- We did.
- Oh, that's very
interesting, but it's sad.
- I think you are
very interesting.
- I think you're right.
- You want some of my strudel?
- Now that could
be very interesting.
- Ready?
I think it's take 14.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, you go ahead without me.
I just want to say thanks to
the baggage handlers of America.
- Oh, I'll wait.
- Thanks to the baggage
handlers of America.
- Uh, Dick, why?
- Well, how'd you like to
hang around airports all day
and nothing to do
but pick up old bags?
- If you haven't
tried it, don't knock it.
- Well, it's nice to see
a man enjoy his work.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody,
and baggage handlers.
- Goodnight to old
bags everywhere.
- Teresa?
- Yo.
- You know, I have a lot of
trouble remembering things.
- Well, listen, if
you write it all down
on a boomerang, it'll
all come back to you.
- Hey, Goldie.
- Yeah?
- How do you spell
your dog's name?
- I don't know, I've
never written to him.
- Ruthie.
- [Ruth] Ya.
- Did you know my
sister-in-law just had a baby,
and they named
it after my uncle?
- Isn't that nice.
What do they call it?
- I don't know, I've
never written to one.
- Hey, Jo Anne, did you
know that chickens can't fly?
- Tell me about the big
beautiful part again, Alan.
- Yeah, but then we both fly.
- Listen, Alan, what
about the chickens?
- Did you know
that they can't fly?
- Well, listen, that's
true, ain't nothing
to worry about, if you know
what I mean, Uncle Dick.
Because they can always
take a train, right Dan?
- It's just a joke
is all, Jo Anne.
- Jeremy.
- Yes, Pamela.
- Did you know they
say that two can live
as cheaply as one?
- Ah, yes, I know,
but only half as long.
- Hey, Judy.
- Yes, love.
- Let's you and I get married
and have a bunch of kids.
- Oh, make up your mind, Henry.
- Alan.
- Yeah.
- You know what, my
brother-in-law in Germany
loves to take his
wife scuba diving.
- I know, he says
it's the only way
she keeps her mouth shut.
- Hey, Ruth.
- Yeah?
- You know the best
way to keep mum a dum.
- What, what is that?
- [Dick] Try it
again, try it again.
Wait, wait, he's
going to read it.
- Read it.
- Do you know the best way
to get rid of your mother-in-law?
- No, you tell me, Byron.
- Divorce your husband.
- Hey, Ruth, you
know these things.
Ruth!
You know these things.
I'm going to make a kite.
What kind of paper shall I use?
- Fly paper, silly.
- Hey why is college like
a complicated machine?
- Thought you'd never ask.
Because they can both be stopped
by a couple of loose nuts.
- Henry.
- Yeah?
- Oh, Henry.
Why were you so late
getting here tonight, hmm?
What was you
doing, and who with?
- Well, I was in the
elevator with my shoes.
- They got stuck.
- Hey (laughs).
What would you do if
you were in an airplane
and the wings caught
fire, engines fell off,
and you started loosing
altitude very rapidly,
and watch your language.
- Well, I would
sure get right off.
(playful music)
(dishes breaking)
(lid creaking open)
- Oh mummy, tell
us, how did you lift
those giant blocks of
stone to build the pyramids?
- Well, there's a right
way and a wrong way,
and I must have
picked the wrong way.
- The preceding
program was prerecorded
under maximum
security conditions,
however something about
it overpowered the guards
and the show escaped.
Meanwhile, back at
Letters to Laugh-In,
every afternoon on NBC
TV, Morbo and yours truly
will be looking for you.
(crying)
- Good night, Ruthie.
Tonight you were thens-national.
Gary, shape up.
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- And now, from the
throne room of the
beautiful downtown
Burbank winter palace
and hardware store, NBC
gives you a royal nailing called
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Presided over by his
majesty, Dan Rowan,
and his lovely princess,
Queen Dick Martin.
Tonight's show will
feature Natalie Wood
in the role of Eli Wallach.
Telly Savalas as Anne Jackson.
Romy Schneider will be portrayed
by the lovely and
talented Dean Martin.
Appearing as each
other are Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and the dulcet tone of our
own little Jo Anne Worley.
With these lovely new
folk, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam,
with Ed McMahon in the
title role of Gary Owens,
with Morbo the friendly drell.
Clown it up Have a ball
Tell a joke, get
a laugh Try a fall
Make a face Ring a bell
Do a schtick, try a trick
Really sell, sell,
sell Cross your eyes
Take a chance If
the crowd isn't loud
Drop your pants
If you running out of laughter
And you want to fill the cup
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
- Tell me, darling,
what do you get
when you cross a
Democrat with a Republican?
- I don't know, what?
- A jackass, darling,
that never forgets.
- Hey, dear, do you
think the day will come
when there'll be
Americans in Vietnam?
- I think the day will come
when there won't be
anybody in Vietnam.
- Hi, Byron, hi.
- Do believe in sex
before marriage?
- Oh, yes, but on
the other hand,
I wouldn't want to be
late for the ceremony.
- How do you feel about the way
they treated the
American Indians?
- Oh, every time I think
about it, I just see red.
- Do you think they'll
ever make a TV series
out of the Jacqueline Susann's
book, The Love Machine?
- If they do, I'd like to
see Truman Capote in it.
- Oh sure, they can call it
My World, and Welcome to It.
- Do you realize that
trains are transporting
deadly gas all
around our country?
- So what's the big deal?
Automobiles have
been doing that for years.
- Take all the sex and
violence out of the movies,
and what have you got?
- An empty theater.
- Take all the sex and
violence out of the news
report and what have you got?
- A 30 minute weather report.
- Take all the excitement,
sex, and violence,
entertainment, and taste out
of a 30 minute weather report,
and what have you got?
- Hee-Haw.
- That's right, a jackass
who never forgets.
- Oh, and you know what I think?
I think that the people
who live by airports
exaggerate the amount
of noise the planes make.
- What?
Cross your eyes Make a face
If the group is a
poop, show your place
If your world's a
world of laughter
Be it hip or hep or hop
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
- Hold it, folks.
If you think we're
clowns, watch this.
- Mr. Thurmond, will
you try this new spread,
White House Margarine?
- Why certainly, child.
(bell dings)
- Why, Strom, there's
a crown on your head.
- I know, and I likes it.
- Alright, enough of this
clowning around stuff.
Now let's get to NBC's
real money-making circus.
Watch this.
(bell rings)
- And now, here's
a peach of a pear
that'll wrinkle your prune.
- Dan Rowan, along
with that old prune wrinkler
and friend of the
working girl, Dick Martin,
and his gotcha.
- Gotcha.
Where's his gotcha?
- Gotcha!
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Look at that crowd.
- Ah, such unbridled enthusiasm.
Hey, what did you
do over the weekend?
- Well, I had a great time.
I went down to Tee-ah-ju-wana.
- No, no, no, I went
down to Tijuana.
Tijuana.
- I didn't know that.
Funny I didn't run into you.
- Yeah, it's strange,
such a small place.
What'd you go down there for?
- Well, you see, I know
this lady bull fighter.
- How'd you find her?
I mean, there aren't too
many lady bull fighters around.
- Ah, but then again, there
aren't too many lady bulls.
- That's true.
I know I shouldn't ask this,
but where did you meet her?
- Well, at the bull
fights last years.
I'll never forget it.
While the crowd screamed,
ole, she stood motionless,
framed in the doorway.
- Yeah, well, did she
finally come through?
- She certainly did.
- Oh, I'm so happy.
- You would have loved her.
What grace, what footwork,
as she lowered her cape,
and then came
the moment of truth.
- Yeah, she killed the bull.
- No, her husband walked in.
- Into the arena?
- No into her place.
See, she has a
very big hacienda.
Not only that, but her
veranda overlooks her patio,
and her porch swings.
- You think her porch swings,
wait til you get into my
hammock, Dicky-boy.
- Where's your hammock?
- Oh, right back there.
Gotcha!
(screams)
- At that very moment, in
a speeding moon rocket,
Wilma turned to Buck
Rogers and said...
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Uncle Al.
- Uncle Al who?
- Oh, I never knew
he had a last name.
Anyway, here he
is, Uncle Al Who.
- Hi!
Hi, kids, it's your Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal, hello,
little friends, hello.
Well, kids, oh, Uncle Al had
a lot of medicine last night.
He feels terrible today.
Let's look in the
Uncle Al's fun pit,
and what do we
have, the buttsie toy.
- [Boy] The what?
- The footsie toy.
Now you take it, you
put it on your foot...
(little girl crying)
What's the matter,
Debra, what's the matter?
You're going to
get the footsie toy.
You're going to get it.
- [Boy] I know how to do it.
- Well, we'll show you
next week how to do it.
Now... - [Man] I love you.
- I told you, Roger, not
to come around here.
Now, that's it for
today, kids, Uncle Al's
had it with the footsie toy.
Uncle Al's really had it.
Okay, this was Uncle
Al, the kiddies' pal,
goodbye little friends, goodbye.
(playful music)
(speaking in German)
- What?
- My name is Romy Schneider.
- Can't even speak English.
- New trend towards
non-involvement
can have very,
very strange results.
- Well, I don't know, but,
but I think the
people in favor of
a non-involvement policy
for Americans are right.
- Oh, Wilbur, forget politics,
enjoy your vacation stay.
(speaking in Spanish)
Wilbur, aren't you
going to do anything?
- Ignore him, we
don't want any trouble.
Just remember our
policy is non-involvement.
- Ah, mi corazon.
- Wilbur, do something.
Oh!
- Don't worry, he'll go away,
just act like he's not here.
- (moaning in pleasure) Okay.
Wilbur, did you
write to your mother?
- Mother, mother?
Oh yes, I wrote to my mother.
Did you send Aunt
Harriet those beads?
- Well, I've been
so busy, I forgot.
- [Wilbur] You forgot?
Did you send Nelly
the birthday card?
- Yes, with a picture
of the bull fight on it.
- [Wilbur] Oh, she'll like that.
- Wilbur, you've
got to do something!
Oh!
- As soon as they
see you don't care
and don't want to get
involved, they'll go away.
- Ay caramba.
- Don't say that to me, Desi.
(guns firing)
- See, I told you,
there's no trouble,
so long as you
don't get involved.
Let's go.
- Oh, oh, waiter,
would you have that one
patched up and sent to my room?
- We've got some good
news and some bad news.
First, my husband
gets to make love to
his leading lady in
his next motion picture.
- Now for the bad news.
She's my leading lady.
Gotcha!
- Sister Teresa, I
really didn't mind
taking the vow of poverty.
- Oh, neither did
I, sister Goldie.
I was broke anyway.
- What does it say?
- It says Ramses III
died when he sneezed
and blew his kneecaps
off, causing him
to fall from his chariot.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Nobody could sneeze that hard.
(lid creaking open)
(boinging)
(trumpets playing fanfare)
(laughs)
- (squealing) Hi!
- We've finally found it.
- After searching for all
these years in the desert.
- Ah, Ramses Tuconkin II.
(lid creaking open)
(woman gasps)
What is it?
- We're too late, he's dead.
- There's nothing to say.
(playful music)
(glass breaking)
- Miss Schneider, you're
an actress, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'd like you to
read these lines, please.
And be convincing.
- Gladys is the most beautiful,
voluptuous
creature in the world.
I should get an
Oscar for that one.
- Oh, if you get an
Oscar, would you see
if he's got a brother
who would like to meet
a beautiful,
voluptuous creature?
- Very interesting.
- So am I.
- Now tonight we
salute an institution
that has contributed
greatly in making
this country what it is today.
From a crude beginning,
through hard work
and American know
how, it has built itself up
into one of the vital
factors in our economy.
- Oh, I know, tonight
we're going to salute
American Tel & Tel.
- No, bigger than that.
- Ford Motor Company?
- Oh, bigger than that.
- Then it can only be
Schlager Friendly Productions.
What's bigger than that?
- Well, I'm going to tell
you what's bigger than that.
Tonight, Laugh-In salutes...
(singing a fanfare)
Boy you really got that
instrument in shape.
- Thank you.
- Tonight Laugh-In
salutes organized crime.
Cheese it kids,
here come the cops
Here come the cops
Here come the cops
Some folk love their
vodeodo Vodeodo
Well, what do they know
'Cause we love
living a life of crime
Rat-tat-i-tat
Some folks love to roll the jack
Polling the jack
Let's send it all back 'cause
We love living a life of crime
Dirty coppers
Mayhem, we deal in it
Fum paws, we're feeling it
Bankrolls, we're
stealing that money
Funny, honey
Some folk love that razzamatazz
Razzamatazz Well,
maybe that's jazz, but
We love living a life of crime
Baby Face Nelson
Bank tips, we shiver 'em
Gumballs, deliver 'em
Stoolies, the river is muddy
Buddy, but it's
Some folks might
retire to a farm
Retire to a farm
Well, maybe it's charm, but
We love living a life with it
We love stealing a life with
We love living a life of crime
(audience applauding)
In the 20s, when you needed
a drink, who got it for you?
Organized crime.
- And today, who satisfies
the huge demand for narcotics?
Organized crime.
- That's right, Harriet.
- That's right, Bevel.
- At least they don't
push cigarettes.
Cigarette can kill you.
- And organized
crime is efficient.
You may not always
be able to find an officer
when you want one, but
you can always find a bookie.
- They say crime doesn't pay,
but just ask them
about public officials.
- As a public official,
I say it's an outrage
that payments are being
made to protect gamblers.
Payments are being
made to protect pushers.
Payments are being made
to protect all kinds of criminals.
And one thing
that's worst of all,
the payments are always late!
- The head of the
number racket in Burbank
can only count to seven.
- And now my last
question, Big Jerry Barbara.
Many citizens claim that
you as head of the syndicate
are paying off the city hall.
Some say you have the
mayor of this city in your pocket.
(laughs)
- That's ridiculous.
Mayor Guthrie in my
pocket, it's laughable.
Why, we don't have that
kind of mayor, little girl.
There's no man
that's got the mayor
of our town in his pocket,
there isn't that kind of money,
and you can print that.
- Right, thank you.
- That's telling 'em,
ain't it, Mr. Mayor?
- I'm not afraid of
violence in the streets,
and neither is my bodyguard.
- Organized crime
is progressive.
Today they adapted
modern business methods
to run the organization.
Thanks.
- Well, Big Charlie, that about
takes care of your tax return.
Just a matter of applying sound
business techniques
to your operation.
- Did you deduct
my five bodyguards,
cost me 20,000 a piece?
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's a hundred thou
for health insurance.
- What about the four
times the East Side Gang
tried to knock me off
by blowing up my car?
- Oh, certainly, have
it right here, see?
32 thou automobile depreciation.
- Okay.
How's about the
cement I used to dump
the East Side Gang
in the Hudson River?
That's um, 40 bags,
25 bucks a piece.
- Oh, well of
course, we cover that
as $1000 for improvements, see?
- You keep this up, I ain't
gonna pay tax note at all, huh?
- Well, sure.
Now look, see what I mean
about sound business techniques?
In fact, your only
cost is my $5,000.
- 5,000.
Wait a minute.
I got a sound business technique
that cuts that to 25 bucks.
- $25 for my fee?
- No, 25 bucks for one
more bag of cement.
How 'bout that, shorty?
- Crime may not
pay, but it's tax free.
- And what about
our entertainment?
Those wonderful
movies that have kept us
laughing all through the years?
Bonnie and Clyde, George and Ed,
the John Dillinger Story.
- Why, if it weren't
for Little Caesar,
where would Ed Richie
Robinson be today?
- I tried those movies,
showed us organized crime
has its sentimental side.
The family was important.
- Yes, and today in a cold
and often indifferent society,
organized crime serves
as an example to all of us.
They take care of their own.
I needed that.
- Okay.
Ladies and gents,
tonight we are honoring
Salvatore Annucci,
who's retiring from the
family after 45 years.
And in appreciation for
those glorious 45 years,
we're presenting you,
Salvatore Annucci,
with this gift.
A glorious .45.
(men cheering)
Salvatore has done
more for our business
than any other man alive.
Last year alone, Salvatore
rubbed out three stoolies,
he knocked off four
state's witnesses,
and wiped out the
whole West Side Gang,
and enjoyed every minute of it.
I guess it's just that
Salvatore Annucci loves life.
(men cheering)
Salvatore Annucci
didn't always have it easy.
You know the first
contract the gang gave him
was to rub out his own father?
Sal did it.
That's the kind of man
we're honoring here tonight.
And I only wish his
father were alive to see it.
(men cheering)
And Salvatore, I
feel qualified to make
this presentation tonight,
because I am the one
who knows you best.
I know your whole life.
I know your strengths, I
know your weaknesses.
I know everything about you.
So here, here...
Now what do you say, Salvatore?
- I say, you know too much.
(gun firing)
- And so tonight,
we have saluted...
(singing fanfare)
Organized crime.
- And we hope you'll
remember that in spite of all
the criticism and
blame levied against it,
organized crime
in the United States
can only be as
good as we make it.
- Yes, so come on
America, it's up to you.
- And now here is
today's vicious rumor.
When Tuesday
Well travels incognito,
she registers under
an assumed day.
- What does it say?
- It is a curse.
Anyone who defiles
this tomb will...
- Will what?
(playful music)
(trumpets playing fanfare)
- If James Drury is
watching, I love you,
and I love you for what you are.
Oh, I'd give anything
to be a Virginian.
- This station break by NBC,
it don't make sense either.
- You know, Romy,
I have always liked
the music of Wagner.
- That's Vahg-ner.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- That's vel-come.
(lid creaking open)
- Good heavens, look,
he's taking his bandages off!
- We'll, if it hasn't
healed in 2000 years,
it's never going to get better.
(harmonica playing "There's
No Place Like Home")
- I told him not to sign
with William Morris.
Costigation We have
got the information
In a way We hope will amuse you
(singing wordlessly)
We have come To
give you our news
La la ti da Ladies and gents
Now we go to the news Here's Dan
- Now with the news
is a press, here's a man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Quicky.
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- Alright.
San Francisco, the
vice squad raided
a nudie film house last
night, and when asked
why it took 14 men
four hours to arrest
an audience of three old
men, the chief explained,
well for one thing it
was a double feature.
San Quintin, prison officials
said today that the program
of wives visiting inmates
was a great success.
The lone dissenter, prisoner
Ed "The Rabbit" Hookstraton,
who said, I felt
terriburl, terrible,
during my wife's entire visit.
Every time I looked
over and saw my cellmate
just standing there
with nothing to do.
You see, she didn't
have any visitors.
A scientific survey reveals that
only the female mosquito stings.
They way to control
them is through sex.
However, another report reveals
that they'll sting you no
matter what you're doing.
(laughs)
This is old "Bee Bite"
Martin, signing off.
Take it away, Goldie.
- Aah.
- Go ahead, Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the future,
20 years from
now, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's, um, Dean King.
- No, that's Dan, you
delightful ding-dong.
- Here's Dan, the
delightful ding-dong.
- Thank you, Goldie.
- Dan, I think you
better look out,
someone's calling you ding-dong.
- Yeah, well, you watch
out for me, will you.
Detroit, Michigan,
1989, 20 years from now,
the Detroit Lions of the NFL
today made another proposal
to all-American halfback
OJ Simpson Junior.
The package included a
salary of $750,000 a year,
controlling interest in
the Ford Motor Company,
and the Governorship
of Michigan.
OJ turned the
offer down, saying,
I ain't gonna play til they
pay me what I'm worth.
Saigon, 1989, 20 years from now,
with the withdrawal of the
last U.S. troops from Vietnam,
the Saigon government
announced that 10,000
black marketeers,
15,000 con artists, and
6000 bar owners have
been forced out of business.
General Key said
this is further indication
of the United States
failing to support
the economy of Vietnam.
Next news item of the future,
1989, 20 years from now,
Julian Goodman, president
of NBC today announced
that as far as he's
concerned, the top-rated show,
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, will remain
on the NBC
schedule indefinitely.
The question is, what does
the National Biscuit Company
see in the aging
"Bee Sting" Dick Martin
and his youthful
companion, Dan Rowan?
- And for the news of the past.
The Laugh-In news goes
scurrying back to Philadelphia.
- I spent a week in
Philadelphia one night.
- And Benjamin Franklin.
Roll 'em, Ben.
- How's the press
coming, Mr. Franklin?
- Oh, fine, fine.
Now you see (taps on handle),
by pulling this handle here,
this plate exerts
pressure there.
The press is finished.
Now, you give me pants,
and I'll show you how it works.
- It's time now for
Laugh-In News Extra,
another on-the-spot interview.
- I'm here in Sandusky, Ohio,
with Mr. Jay Aubry, who
claims to have witnessed
the landing of an
unidentified flying object.
Mr. Aubry, could you tell us,
what was the first
thing you noticed?
- My wife, Livesta,
don't push it in my mouth.
So then I went
out onto the porch,
and there on the lawn I saw
a large cigar shaped object.
- Yes, what was it?
- A large cigar.
Then the flying
saucer landeded, and
a horribible creature got out.
- Could you tell us
what it looked like?
- Well, let me see if I
can give you some idea.
Can you picture a man
with his tongue hanging out?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, then can you
picture a man with his tongue
hanging out all the
way to the ground?
- Mm-hmm.
- Now picture the same
thing, without a man.
- And that's it from
Sandusky, Ohio.
La da di da Ladies and gents
That is what's in the news
- Hello, Ben Franklin of
Ben Franklin's Savings.
- Oh, I love the way you
walk around, and oh...
(singing wordlessly)
(clears throat)
What would you
say to a little hug?
What would you
say to a little kiss?
What would you
say to a little gidgy?
- A what?
- A little gidgy?
- Goodbye, little gidgy.
(lid creaking open)
- Oh, ancient mummy,
what great words
of wisdom do you have,
having slept for 2000 years?
- This girdle's killing me.
(trumpets playing fanfare)
(playful music)
- Mr. Eli Wallach,
you don't think
I remember your,
but I never for-gotcha!
- Aah!
(high pitched giggling)
- Hey, Luci.
(lid creaking open)
- Where am I?
- You're in the year 1969.
- Oh, wow, I'm late for work.
(playful music)
- The Strangest Visit I
Ever Had, by Henry Gibson.
A sore throated
skinny rhinoceros
Flew in my window today
But he didn't feel like talking
So we whistled the silence away
I offered him tea and honey
With some lemon for his cough
"But I don't have one,"
Said he very dryly So
when the water boiled
He flew off.
- Well, if you don't
need me, I'll be going.
- I'll ask him where he's going.
Um, where are you going, Dick.
- He just asked me
where I was going.
I'm going to go see my doctor.
- Listen to this.
Got a good doctor?
- Well, I guess so.
Do you know... - No.
- That he is the
first doctor in history
to remove an
appendix without leaving
the slightest trace of a scar?
- Impossible.
- What is that?
- Well, that's, that's a
gesture of exclamation.
- I see.
Well, you see,
the way he does it,
he ties a string to a mouse.
- Ties a string to a mouse.
- Yeah, and then he
gives him a pair of scissors
and a flashlight, and
says, go get it, baby.
- I find that...
- Two, three four.
- No, no, I...
- You're not going
to louse up my timing.
- I find that hard to swallow,
he said, continuing this.
- Well, maybe you
don't care for mice.
- No, no, no.
- Or Capastrano.
- No, I mean the story...
- You could take your choice.
- The story you told of
the scarless appendix.
I just don't believe it.
- Well, it's true.
- You want to go to the party?
- Why not?
My doctor's there,
maybe you'd like
to take out your appendix.
- No, I had it taken
out, but he could look.
You want to come to the party?
(dance music)
- I see no reason
to doubt the parable
about the lion lying
down with the lamb.
After all, it says nothing
about the lamb getting up again.
- My son-in-law must be awfully
concerned about my safety.
The moment that
I leave the house
he changes the lock on the door.
That's sweet.
- You know, Stevie,
I'm just crazy about art.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, would you like
to come up to my place
and see my Picassos?
- I can almost see
them from here.
- Hey, Judy, talking
about great artists,
I did something this morning
that was very Van Gogh.
When I was shaving,
I nearly cut off my ear.
- Nixon may have said
that the moon landing
was the greatest
thing since Creation,
but what about the other
great events in the Bible?
- Well, you have
to remember, sir,
those things didn't happen
during his administration.
- Boris and I went to a
nude group therapy session
last night, and we were
having a wonderful time,
until the group showed up.
- The new truth in lending law
takes the doubt out
of consumer credit.
It used to be I thought I
was being overcharged.
Now I know I am.
- A big producer invited
me to swim in his pool.
And I didn't have
a bathing suit.
Of course I wouldn't
go in without one,
so I wore one of his.
- Did you hear Mr. Nixon's
got a new welfare plan?
- Oh come on, you gotta
be, what's the matter
with that man, isn't he making
enough money as President?
- You know, Alan,
there's a simple solution
to overcrowded colleges.
If they'd just get the
National Guard and the police
off the campus, there'd
be plenty of room.
- Goldie, have you ever
seen the canals in Venice?
- Um, no, well,
when I was there,
you know, they
were all under water.
(dance music)
- [Mayor] Come on,
baby, light my fire.
- And now, Laugh-In presents
the girl of a thousand tongues.
The language lady,
mademoiselle, fraulein, senora, Mao.
(trilling)
- Como esta, mon
chair, e mon davenports.
(laughs)
That was a un petito bon mon.
First day?
Language, now,
language my darlings,
language is the
language of love,
and learning,
learning is a bore.
Or as they say in
Esperanto, quel bore.
Now then, the word for
today, as you can see,
is monge.
We're saying monge,
eat, stuff, to gorge.
Now say it three
times and it's yours.
Monge, monge, monge.
Don't you feel silly?
And fat!
Ah, nothing, well then,
darlings, this is your
language lady saying
adios muchachos,
see you anon, amigos,
au revoir mon chairs, not
to mention aloha paizon.
- Helpful hints for
German cooking.
First, capture one kitchen.
- Moving right along, here
are the original rhythm boys,
the St. Louis Cardinals.
- Excuse me,
Mr. Wallach, but didn't you
once play a Mexican bandito?
- No, but I do pretty well
on the Spanish guitar.
- Did I hear you
speak of swinging?
Well, our cast has some
rather swift observations
on the subject of
birth control hints.
Regardez them.
- Get a one bedroom apartment,
and ask your
mother-in-law to live in.
- Watch the late show,
the late late show,
and the late late late show.
- Marry a girl with hay fever
and bring out the goldenrod.
- Catch poison ivy all over.
- Restrict your diet to Polish
sausage and garlic bread.
- Tell you wife that
sex is fattening.
- Tell your wife you
just had your hair done.
El mess.
- Marry a girl who
reminds you of your brother
and treat her the same way.
- Wear a dress, a blond
wig, and high heels,
and never mind about your wife.
But look out for
your Uncle Harry.
- Wear lots of cold
cream and put your hair up
in curlers at night.
Well, it worked for my mother.
- Now here's a Romy
Schneider household hint.
How to wash a dachshund.
First, get a long bar of soap.
- Once again, dear
friends, it's time for us
to award the coveted
Flying Fickle Finger of Fate.
- And who gets the
prodigious pinkie this PM?
- Well, it's the same
old crowd again.
- You mean?
- That's right,
for the first time in
the history of the
show, we're going to
award it for the second
time to the same people,
all those boys at the Pentagon.
- And what have those
five-sided squares done now?
- Well, get a load of this.
The Superintendent of
Schools at Lake Arthur
in New Mexico reports
that every time he looks
out of his window, he
sees this tremendous
hole in the ground.
- And he doesn't dig it.
- No, but the Pentagon did.
At a cost to the
taxpayers of $22 million.
- Well, we've been in the
hole at the Pentagon before.
I'm sure they have
something in mind for it.
- Well, they did.
It was going to be a
missile site, you see,
but the program was
abandoned, so now
we got a hole out there
that cost us $22 million.
- I'd say we're in pretty deep.
- Well, I'll tell you how deep.
According to the local
school superintendent,
John Havener, that
money would have financed
his school district
for the next 110 years.
- Aha!
So, take this, you burrowing
beauties in the Pentagon.
- And if you have any
doubts, get in touch with us,
we'll tell you where to bury it.
- Be sure to tune
in next week, folk,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
or the tall terrible
tantalizing tickler,
as our robust
researcher calls it,
will go to all those
manufacturers of DDT,
the groovy
pesticides that will kill
both sprayer and sprayee.
I guess they think DDT
means drop dead twice.
(lid creaking open)
- Who are you?
- I was one of 500 men lifting
a giant block of stone
building this pyramid.
- What happened?
- Well, 499 men knocked for
lunch two seconds before I did.
(trumpets playing fanfare)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(lid creaking open)
- Oh, mummy, after
sleeping for 2000 years,
is there anything you
would like to know?
It's over there.
(playful music)
(laughs)
- Aw, nuts.
(laughs)
Aw, nuts.
(laughs)
Oh, no.
(cheering)
(dishes breaking)
- Well, it's time now to
reach into the old mail pouch
and pick out another
letter to Laugh-In.
This little stinger
comes to us from
Steven Lassau, all the way
from Los Angeles, California.
And two dol, that's
two dollars, are already
winging their way to you,
Steven, for this little goody.
Now watch closely.
- Well, Mrs. Cohen,
you have a fine baby boy.
- Oh, he's heavy.
- Isn't that sweet.
What name did you
have in mind, Mrs. Cohen?
- Nasr.
- Oh, that's interesting.
Nasr, you say.
Well, now are you sure
you want to name him Nasr?
Mrs. Cohen, are
you sure about that?
- Yes, and it Miss Cohen.
- And now, time for
Letters to Laugh-In,
brought to you every
afternoon on NBC TV.
- Hey, Gary, what
are you trying to do,
sneak a plug for
your afternoon show?
- Oh, of course not,
Goldie, all I said was,
and now time for
Letters to Laugh-In,
brought to you every
afternoon on NBC TV.
- Oh, I must have
been imagining things.
(playing harmonic)
- Gee, Mr. Wallach,
that's beautiful.
- Thank you, Goldie, Eli's
been playing that for 20 years.
- Oh, you poor baby, you
must be all out of breath.
- How about doing something
you haven't done yet this year?
- I can't think of anything
I haven't done this year.
- I was speaking of potpourri.
- Potpourri?
- Sure, sort of a grab bag.
- Well, I grabbed
a bag this year,
but I must say I haven't
pulled any pourris.
- I think your time has come.
- I'll drink to that.
- Yes, ladies and
gentlemen, potpourri.
- You know you're not
allowed on the streets,
now keep walking.
- You want to sell a product
today, you sell it with sex.
Not how good the product is,
it's sex, sex, sex that counts.
- Well of course I'm moving.
I mean, I'm not going to
live next to a black family.
- [Woman] Oh, I
know, Nellie, I know.
- I guess we might
as well return to Mars.
- Yeah, we've been
here three days,
and still haven't found
any intelligent life on Earth.
- Alright now, we'll need
your Social Security number
- 843-24-5297.
- Hmm, lot of
people don't know it.
Your driver's license number?
- Uh, 6912803678.
- And your telephone number?
- 555-7000.
- Okay, ZIP code?
- 56601.
- And of course
we'll need your name.
- Hmm?
- Your name?
- Oh.
Hmmmmm, gee, 372184326.
- Thank you very much.
- And we still haven't
found any signs
of intelligent life on Earth.
- Son, you've been
drafted, and before
you're assigned, we'd
like to clear up a few points.
Now let me see.
Place of birth?
- Under a gooseberry bush.
- Favorite hobby?
- I spin straw into gold.
- Good, we, we need leadership.
Now, what's this under family?
You mention a fairy godmother.
- Oh, yes, yes, I
have one, you see I,
I believe in fairies,
and when I'm in trouble
they come to my aid.
- Good, you'll fit
right into the Army.
Oh, Private Capote, we
have one here for you.
- Welcome.
That makes seven this week.
Soon I'll be able to put Humpty
Dumpty back together again.
Hop, two, three, four.
(doorbell ringing)
- James, will you
answer the door?
- Why, certainly, sir.
Ding dong bell, ding dong.
(doorbell ringing)
- Good heavens, it says
your wife is in trouble.
- Oh, darling, do think
there's anything to it?
- Well, I don't
know, but to be sure,
I'd better call her.
- And so that's our department
called potpourri for tonight.
- Hey, you know what I miss?
Potpourri.
You know we haven't
done it all season?
- Well, we just did
it, you ding dong.
- Maybe we oughta
start doing it next week.
- Hey, there's a
good idea, next week
we'll start doing potpourri,
be sure and watch it.
- Oh, horse feathers.
(lid creaking open)
- Heavens, he's alive!
Say something, mummy.
- Did you get the number
of that chariot that hit me?
(playful music)
(bird chirping)
- Wolfgang, the war's been
over for 25 years, come home.
- It's over?
How did we do?
- Not too bad.
We finished second.
- Oh, could have been worse.
We could have come in last.
- We did.
- Oh, that's very
interesting, but it's sad.
- I think you are
very interesting.
- I think you're right.
- You want some of my strudel?
- Now that could
be very interesting.
- Ready?
I think it's take 14.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, you go ahead without me.
I just want to say thanks to
the baggage handlers of America.
- Oh, I'll wait.
- Thanks to the baggage
handlers of America.
- Uh, Dick, why?
- Well, how'd you like to
hang around airports all day
and nothing to do
but pick up old bags?
- If you haven't
tried it, don't knock it.
- Well, it's nice to see
a man enjoy his work.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody,
and baggage handlers.
- Goodnight to old
bags everywhere.
- Teresa?
- Yo.
- You know, I have a lot of
trouble remembering things.
- Well, listen, if
you write it all down
on a boomerang, it'll
all come back to you.
- Hey, Goldie.
- Yeah?
- How do you spell
your dog's name?
- I don't know, I've
never written to him.
- Ruthie.
- [Ruth] Ya.
- Did you know my
sister-in-law just had a baby,
and they named
it after my uncle?
- Isn't that nice.
What do they call it?
- I don't know, I've
never written to one.
- Hey, Jo Anne, did you
know that chickens can't fly?
- Tell me about the big
beautiful part again, Alan.
- Yeah, but then we both fly.
- Listen, Alan, what
about the chickens?
- Did you know
that they can't fly?
- Well, listen, that's
true, ain't nothing
to worry about, if you know
what I mean, Uncle Dick.
Because they can always
take a train, right Dan?
- It's just a joke
is all, Jo Anne.
- Jeremy.
- Yes, Pamela.
- Did you know they
say that two can live
as cheaply as one?
- Ah, yes, I know,
but only half as long.
- Hey, Judy.
- Yes, love.
- Let's you and I get married
and have a bunch of kids.
- Oh, make up your mind, Henry.
- Alan.
- Yeah.
- You know what, my
brother-in-law in Germany
loves to take his
wife scuba diving.
- I know, he says
it's the only way
she keeps her mouth shut.
- Hey, Ruth.
- Yeah?
- You know the best
way to keep mum a dum.
- What, what is that?
- [Dick] Try it
again, try it again.
Wait, wait, he's
going to read it.
- Read it.
- Do you know the best way
to get rid of your mother-in-law?
- No, you tell me, Byron.
- Divorce your husband.
- Hey, Ruth, you
know these things.
Ruth!
You know these things.
I'm going to make a kite.
What kind of paper shall I use?
- Fly paper, silly.
- Hey why is college like
a complicated machine?
- Thought you'd never ask.
Because they can both be stopped
by a couple of loose nuts.
- Henry.
- Yeah?
- Oh, Henry.
Why were you so late
getting here tonight, hmm?
What was you
doing, and who with?
- Well, I was in the
elevator with my shoes.
- They got stuck.
- Hey (laughs).
What would you do if
you were in an airplane
and the wings caught
fire, engines fell off,
and you started loosing
altitude very rapidly,
and watch your language.
- Well, I would
sure get right off.
(playful music)
(dishes breaking)
(lid creaking open)
- Oh mummy, tell
us, how did you lift
those giant blocks of
stone to build the pyramids?
- Well, there's a right
way and a wrong way,
and I must have
picked the wrong way.
- The preceding
program was prerecorded
under maximum
security conditions,
however something about
it overpowered the guards
and the show escaped.
Meanwhile, back at
Letters to Laugh-In,
every afternoon on NBC
TV, Morbo and yours truly
will be looking for you.
(crying)
- Good night, Ruthie.
Tonight you were thens-national.
Gary, shape up.