Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(laughs)
- Well, while nothing worthwhile
is happening around here,
I suggest we all go to
bed and get some rest
and I'd suggest you
people do the same.
I'm fed up with the whole.
- Kiss the daddy,
kiss the daddy.
Go on, kiss it.
He kissed it.
(laughs)
- If Mitzi Gaynor took
off all of her makeup
and went to a psychiatrist,
she'd be a planer,
saner, Gaynor.
(laughs)
It's time to realize
We all need exercise
To tighten up the tissue
And to firm the flabby thighs
Time to stretch Time to bend
Time to take it off the end
For rosy cheeks and
sparkles in the eye.
One, two, three, four
What do we need exercise
- Hello, handsome instructor.
- Hey Jo Ann.
- You know, you look a
awful lot like Dan Rowan.
(laughs)
- Jo Ann, Jo Ann?
- Yes.
- Who is your favorite athlete?
- I'm glad you asked me that.
- Who is it?
- Steve McQueen.
- Aw, now, come on, Steve
McQueen isn't an athlete.
- Have you ever
been out with him?
(laughs)
- Now that I'm working
out, I decided to hike,
will you stop that?
All the way through Alaska.
- Did you go all the way.
- No, but we had
a ball in Fairbanks.
- She'd have gotten
all the way to Nome,
but her legs gave
out, the little cockaree.
- You know, Henry,
ever morning my crowd
and I do pushovers.
- Don't you mean push-ups?
- You exercise with your
crowd, I'll exercise with mine.
- The trouble with
exercise is it makes
you breathe more heavily.
- Surely, there's
nothing wrong with that.
- There is if you
live in Los Angeles.
(laughs)
- Do you realize with
the population explosion,
there will soon be 20
people in every room?
- Goodness, I'll need more
cheese dip, more crackers
and more goodies.
- With your goodies,
you don't need no more
cheese dip or crackers.
- Say Goldie, do you
work out with dumbbells?
- Sure, every morning Alan,
Dick and I do pushovers.
- Dan!
- Yeah, hello, Theresa.
- Dan, here I am.
- Yes, there you are.
- Dan, do you think
student protests on campus
serve any useful purpose?
- Yeah, it does help keep
the police off the streets.
- Police!
(laughs)
- I was taking karate
to defend myself against
an attacker, but I dropped out.
- Well, tell us about it.
- Well last night, I was
beaten up and robbed
by my karate instructor.
- Put him on guard.
- Oh, you little devil.
- Jeremy did you know
that 2% of the pesticides
sprayed on tobacco
plants account
for the smoke you inhale?
- That's good, Henry, now
when you have a coughing fit,
you can kill all the
bugs in the house.
(laughs)
- Da, da, da, da.
- Hey, Jo Ann, how
do you keep yourself in
such great shape?
- Well, I do the Royal
Canadian Air Force.
- You mean the Royal
Canadian Air Force exercises?
- Do they ever.
(laughs)
Push it out, pull it in,
try to get it nice and thin,
Build it up and
cut it down to size
Two, three, four
What do we need, exer
What do you exer What
do you want exercise
(applause)
- And now from the Sin Center
of the San Fernando Valley,
direct from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC is legally
obligated to present
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and the former Dick Martin
with guest starts
Jackie Leonard.
Other guest stars are
Judy Carne, Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues, shy and
retiring Jo Ann Worley,
plus Theresa Graves,
Pamela Rogers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Byron
Guilliam and yours truly
Gary Owens, who is
truly your Owens Gary
and Morgal, as
the friendly Drell,
tonight seen in the dual
role of Sophia Loren,
but first a moment of ecstasy.
- Now I ask you, is this
any way to run an airline?
(laughs)
- Taxi.
(laughs)
- Our fake
commercials are so real
that NBC collects twice.
Here's one that puts
a smile on their face
and some bread in their pockets.
(ching)
Dig it.
- Nitty - Gritty.
- A funny thing happened
to me on the way
to the studio tonight, instead
it wasn't Roman and Marin,
but speaking of a leak in a
duck dyke, here's Holland's
own Rowan and Martin
and I want to say that
(splash)
Away from me you
little Cocker Spaniel.
Good luck and as soon
as you get your finger out
of the hole in the wall (splash)
(laughs)
How about a little soap, please?
And you go out and make
a fool out of yourself again
because you're
making me nervous.
That's very funny.
Lucy, don't worry about a
thing, will you sweetheart.
Just trust me kid.
I used to be with Dinah
Shore many years ago.
(laughs)
- Oh, Jackie Leonard,
do you look adorable.
You are cute as a bug's ear.
Look at that little mouth, ooh.
You know something,
here's a secret.
You're all wet (laughs)
(splash)
How about a cheap towel?
(laughs)
As I was about to say folks,
it's always a pleasure to say
goodbye to Rowan and Martin.
- Listen, you look
particularly relaxed tonight,
I guess I won't talk to you.
- Well, I just a weekend
on my new boat.
- Oh, really, your
boat have sails?
- No, I try to hold out for
the regular price when I can.
- Hey, I'll frame that
question another way.
- All right.
- What power is your boat?
- I have twin screws.
- Diesel or gas?
- Two of each.
- Sorry I asked.
- You want to go
back to the sails?
(laughs)
- Come on, what kind is she?
- Well, the regular
kind, tall, slinky,
gorgeous blonde hair, big.
- No, the boat, the boat.
You always refer to a boat
as she, boats are feminine.
- Boats are feminine?
- Yeah, of course, you
speak of a boat as if she's
a woman, you treat her
just like she's a woman.
- You mean every year you
haul a girl out of the water
and have her bottom scraped?
(laughs)
- I'll leap right in here,
what kind of boat
do you have, Dave?
- A houseboat.
- Houseboat's are great.
I hear you can do
anything on a houseboat
you can do in a house.
- Well, don't ever try to
open the basement window.
- You had a little
accident visiting
the wine cellar, did you?
- Well, let me put it this way.
I finally caught
Charlie the Tuna.
(laughs)
- So he's finally in the can?
- No, he's in the kitchen.
(laughs)
- Listen, do you really
like this houseboat?
- Oh, you'd be proud of
me the way I park her, boy.
- Berth her.
- No, the boat, I mean
Bertha was getting
her bottom scraped.
You ought to see me standing
up there in front of the bow.
- Bow.
(laughs)
Well, I'm gonna persist in this.
How many does
this houseboat sleep?
- Well, I can put up
four married couples.
- Or you can put up
with four married couples.
- Four married couples
or 18 good friends.
- What makes the difference?
- The 12 mile limit.
(laughs)
- Well, now that you
have your own boat,
I guess you'll need a slip.
- No, I figure a frilly
t-shirt and a sailor's cap
would about do it.
I don't go any
further than that.
- A slip, where you
keep the boat, a slip.
- No, I keep it in the garage.
- You can't put a
houseboat on a trailer.
- Who said anything
about a trailer?
- Well, how are you gonna
get the boat from the ocean
to your garage?
- Well, it's easy.
You go up the
Pacific Coast Highway,
you turn right on
Sunset Boulevard
and you keep
looking for puddles.
You remember Puddles,
she went with Bertha
to get her bottom scraped.
(laughs)
Now they're trying to
get Charlie out of the can
in the kitchen.
- I don't want to hear about it.
- They're out in the
12-mile limit with 18 friends
standing in the bow.
- Bow.
(footsteps)
(kicky music)
(laughs)
- Why windows steam
up by Henry Gibson.
Windows steam up from crying.
Back at the curtain is
where we hide hurtin'.
(laughs)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Male On The Phone]
I'm gonna come over there
and hug you and kiss
you till you won't be able
to stand it, then I'm gonna
rip your clothes to shreds.
Oh, you're never gonna
forget tonight Harriet.
- Harriet, this isn't Harriet.
- [Male On The Phone]
Oh, sorry, I must have
the wrong number.
- Does that mean you
won't be coming over?
- When it comes to
telling things straight out,
no one shoots straighter
than the gaggling gun
of television, Laugh-In's
own right guard,
mighty General Bullwright.
Fire away general.
(trumpet revelry)
- Are we on there?
Good evening, America
and fellow Americans.
Drop your socks
and grab your pencils
because this is
top priority tonight.
Now my commentary is
brought to you this evening
by those good
folks at your local
Army weapons surplus store.
Guns proven in wartime
are guns that'll make
peace time a pleasure.
(laughs)
And that's what I want
to talk to you about,
war and a healthy economy.
Because, over there, there
are a lot of mealy mouths
who say we shouldn't
be in Vietnam.
Bull feathers!
Well, get this straight
you com simps,
each day in Vietnam
our boys eat up $700,000
worth of food.
Now that's $4,900,00 a
week of Spam, Shingles,
eggs ketchup, beef,
paprika and other good old
US of A staples.
They drink more than a
million cases of beer a week,
eat 52 tons of beef a
day, and I haven't even
gotten to the bread,
rolls, cake and coffee.
So listen pinkos.
You pull those boys out
of Vietnam and you'll see
the economy tumble, just
what Moscow and Peking
would like to see, right.
Think about it.
Well, that's it for now,
smoke 'em if you got 'em.
See me, see me next week
on the Bill Buckley show,
we take on all the comedies.
(laughs)
Remember, citizen soldiers,
when America is arming,
it's charming.
(majestic music)
(groovy music)
- One hamburger, hold the fry.
- I'll make the hamburger,
you hold the fry.
- Bam, I don't need this.
- You're doing
fine, Mrs. Johnson.
Let's see now,
signal for a left turn.
(crash)
I meant to tell you to
roll that window down.
- Darling I do wish you
could dance better than that.
Everyone is staring at us.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Hi!
- Poppycock!
(upbeat music)
- One club sandwich.
- Coming right up and down.
- Oooh.
- Goldie, if you want
o hit a real high note,
you have to practice
breath control.
- Well, I don't think
Po-Po is going to like that.
(laughs)
- Goldie, you're
thinking of birth control.
Well, now that's silly,
what does birth control
got to do with
hitting a high note?
(hits a high note)
Tell me, tell me,
tell me, tell me,
What have you heard
Listen, we're
tapping out the words
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In the way we open
our news, news
We have got to get into our news
Da, ta, tee da
Ladies and gents now
take a look at our news
We dance (applause)
- And now with the news
report, here's the man
to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Drakey.
(applause)
- Good evening.
Hmm, the Council of
American Indians today gifted
Secretary of the
Interior Walter Hickle
with a genuine Apache
arrowhead and shaft,
saying it was high
time they returned
the government's favor.
(baby whines)
The Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Midgets
will hold it's annual
convention next week
in New York at the
Waldorf Astoria hotel
in the lobby under
the coffee table.
(laughs)
(baby whines)
Burbank, California, the
world's youngest exotic dancer,
7-year-old Twinkles Finkle
was arrested last night
at the Boom Boom Club.
Denying charges of
indecent exposure,
Twinkles Finkle's
mother angrily declared
everything would
have been all right,
if the kid hadn't lost
her training pasties.
(baby cries)
Take it away, Goldie.
- And now with the news
that's going to happen
20 years from now, here's
the news, future news,
with our man of the
future, Dan Rowan.
- Gee, that was
very done, Goldie.
You're getting
better every week.
- And if you think was
something, wait till you hear me
read the news of the future.
- No, no, Goldie, I read
the news of the future.
- Boy, for such a big
star, you sure are pushy.
- Yes, I'll try and tone
it town a little Goldie.
- [Goldie] Pushy, pushy, pushy.
- Pushy, pushy, pushy.
Here's a pushy news item
from Washington, D.C. 1989.
Senator Sonny Boy
must be the fourth,
introduced a bill to
lower the voting age to 6.
He said and I quote, "If
6-year-olds are fighting
"for the South
Vietnamese and Saigon,
"it seems they certainly
should be allowed to vote."
(laughs)
Pushy, pushy.
Burbank rocket
experts today shattered
their previous altitude
record of 800 feet
with a new record of 805 feet.
Burbank Space
Administration spokesman said
the new record is
due to the addition
of a 5-foot nose cone.
(laughs)
Washington, D.C. 20
years from now, negotiation
of secret agreements
came under fire-
- [Goldie] Pushy.
- Pushy, all right, Goldie.
From now on, negotiation
of secret agreements
came under fire today
when it was revealed
that two government
agencies working independently
of each other under
top secret conditions
had placed the United States
in the embarrassing position
of having agreed
to invade itself.
- Now the Laugh-In news
goes bumbling through
the pages history
of the laboratory
of Samuel F.B. Morris,
the father of the telegraph,
and believe me folks,
I hope his other kids
are better looking, because
that's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever seen.
- Good morning, Mrs. Staple.
- Good morning,
Samuel, what's that?
- It's just something I
whipped up in the lab,
but I can't seem to
find any use for it.
- Hmm, let me see.
Wait a minute, I think I've
got something here, watch this.
- I think you've got
something there Mrs. Staple.
We'll name it after you.
We'll call it the Henrietta.
- Hmm, but my name is Judy.
- Yes, but what kind of
name is Judy for a stapler?
- If you want to
know what's buzzing
on the Hollywood
scene, just listen
to our buzzin' cousin Ruth Buzzi
with all the scoops.
- Why is my news release
always late getting here?
- I got it, I got it, as
an anniversary present,
Steve McQueen's
wife presented him
with a thoroughbred beagle
and a purebred Basset,
who follows him
wherever he goes.
- Oh, you honey.
- I have on reliable
authority that Steve McQueen
is being hounded all over
town by a couple of real dogs.
- Hi there government lovers.
Pam Rogers, your man in
Washington, with some hot tips
about your local
government in action,
if you know what I mean.
Today there was
supposed to be a big caucus,
but all the guys got hung
up in some dumb meeting.
Anyway, I'll get the lowdown
if it takes me all night long.
(gavel pounds)
That's a wrap sweeties.
Oh, good night, Nancy
Dickerson, wherever you are.
- Since this is the
week that we celebrate
the discovery of
America by Columbus,
Dick and I wondered
what I might have been like
if his trip had received the
same kind of TV coverage
as our recent moon landing.
- Hello, hello, network control.
We are trying to
make contact again
with Christopher
Columbus out there.
Wait a minute, we're
getting a picture.
Come in Columbus, over.
- Columbus right chere.
And incidentally we were doing
a very wonderful experiment
you might be interested in.
You'll note when
I invert this dipper
of ordinary drinking water,
it falls vertically downward.
After doing this experiment
for the last three months,
we've noticed a very
interesting phenomenon.
- [Alan] Yes, and what was that?
- We're rapidly running
out of drinking water.
- Just a minute,
I've received word
that Columbus has touched down.
And he's about to land.
Columbus, yes he has
land and he has set foot
on the new world.
- Wowee, that's a big
step for a small man.
- [Alan] Columbus, do
you see any signs of life?
- Yes, I think I
see an Indian chief.
I think I'll go over and have
a talk with this young man.
- [Alan] What a
momentous occasion.
We are about to hear
the first words spoken
by a native of the new world.
- Many moons.
I've traveled over wide water,
to discover new world.
- Yeah, welcome baby.
Just in time for Columbus Day.
(laughs)
- Okay, sports fans,
this one's for you.
It's the man who made
a ball out of baseball,
the man who put
the la in lacrosse
and his chorus girl's
best friend, roommate,
you know all that stuff,
it's the sportiest sport
of all the sports, my
own adorable Big Al.
It's all yours Big Al.
- Hi, Big Al here,
hiding in the own dugout.
- Nah, your place,
okay, sweetie?
(rings bell)
- Meat to a rat.
They don't me tickle
toes for nothing.
(laughs)
Do you want to hold
my tinkle till later?
You know how I love that.
Well, I just finished covering
the National Skydiving
Championship
and I must say that from
going to a thousand feet
from the ground in a
suit is a big letdown.
I mean, the winner, the
guy who waited the longest
to open his chute was
presented a gorgeous loving cup,
which his teammates
used to carry him home in.
Slosh, slosh, his
cup runneth over.
Well, the only rip
chord I'll ever pull
is the one that
drops my jammies.
Ta-ta.
We're happy now
Ladies and gents, now
we're hosting the news
- Here's Dan.
I got the plants
over you in Tacoma
Violin playing our
song Lad da dee da
(laughs)
It's me, whoo, hoo.
(laughs)
A moment please.
Ms. Hornsby, isn't
it time we behaved
like more civilized
human beings?
Hmm, mm, hmm, mm.
In light of your silence,
may I tell you about
my plans for our weekend.
(laughs)
Sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but I can bend, oh, hey.
- Beans are a side.
- Anything you
say little fellow.
- I, I, I, I'm upset.
- What's that?
- The gas pedal.
- And that?
- The hand brake.
- What's that?
- A bus!
(crash)
- Guess who?
- Wilt Chamberlain.
I was right.
(splash)
- Help!
- Hey, all you guys in the
National Football League
I love you.
Let's huddle.
- Well, I've got some good
news and some bad news.
First, I played spin the bottle
with eight guys last night.
Now for the bad news.
They were the cast
of Boys in the Band.
- Roses are red,
violets are blue,
NBC is going to sock it to you.
(ding)
Not me you ding-a-lings, Julie.
Everybody loves
somebody sometimes.
Box zero, Burbank.
- Now stay tuned
for letters to Laugh-In,
presented every Monday
night, I mean every
(laughs)
Every afternoon,
Monday through Friday
at the same time on NBC.
- Boy are you mixed up Gary.
It's Monday night
and we're on Laugh-In.
This isn't one of the
letters to Laugh-In programs
that are seen every
afternoon Monday
through Friday on NBC.
What are you trying to do Gary?
Sneak in a plug?
Shape up kiddo.
(crash)
- One tomato surprise.
Oh, no.
- Surprise!
- Oh, you see that
tall fellow over there?
That's Mickey Rooney.
- Hey you know there's
a famous sports figure
in our audience?
- I didn't know that.
- Mr. Pat Crowley.
- Who's he?
- The first man to go over
Niagara Falls on roller skates.
- No kidding?
- Where is he, I don't see him.
- Well, he's right back
there in the doggy bag.
(laughs)
- What's he doing
in a doggy bag?
- Well, somehow when
you go over Niagara Falls
on roller skates, afterwards
none of your suits fit.
- Dick, go to your party.
- Yeah, well, you're
all invited, too.
(applause)
(groovy music)
- One thing you can
say about the pill,
if you don't take
it, before long
you may be counting
your blessings.
(groovy music)
Hi there, would you like
to come up to my place
tonight and babysit?
- I'd love to, Dick.
- Just call me baby.
(groovy music)
- Goldie?
- Yes, yes.
- Do you believe
in test tube babies?
- Of course not.
I mean, of course not.
Who wants a bunch
of baby test tubes
running around the house.
(groovy music)
- If the Shah should
promise an abundant harvest
is it wise for the
dancing maiden
to seek other quarters,
also nickels, dimes?
(groovy music)
- Borris says he doesn't think
sex education is necessary.
I mean, he had
no education at all
and he's making out just fine.
What I mean is we've
got a whole house full
of those baby test tubes.
- I shouldn't even be here
tonight, I don't feel good.
- Oh, poor baby.
- You know what
happened to me today?
- Uh-Huh.
- I swallowed some
birth control pills,
I thought they were aspirin.
Now I've got a
headache in my knee.
(groovy music)
- You know since
1945 the United States
has spent a
thousand billion dollars
on the police action in Korea
and the advisors in Vietnam.
Do you know know
much it would have cost
if those had been wars?
(groovy music)
- How odd you Americans are.
You know you've just
spent over 30 billion dollars
to send your astronauts
to a drab, dismal place
that's unfit for
human existence.
- Some people go to a
place like that every day
and it only costs bus far.
(groovy music)
- At the rate
teachers are leaving
the California school
system Governor Reagan
may soon lose all his faculties.
(groovy music)
- Literary talent
isn't appreciated.
I sent in my new
underground novel
and the publisher said
it was carelessly written
and poorly thought out.
That's two whole days'
work down the drain.
(groovy music)
You know what?
I just paid $10 for a
bra that used to cost $5
and it still shrank.
- It's a matter of simple
economics darling.
You see, you're either
a victim of tight money
or over inflation.
(groovy music)
- My son and daughter-in-law
didn't want anyone
to know where they're
honeymoon was going to be
and I cooperated fully.
For the entire two
weeks, I never asked
where we were.
(groovy music)
- My new car has everything.
Automatic windshield
wipers, automatic steering,
automatic brakes and
automatic recall to the factory.
(groovy music)
- Last week a man came to
my house taking a sex survey.
I was doing fine till I
got to the multiple choice.
(groovy music)
(applause)
- One of the major problems
in the generation gap
is communications.
The older generation
finds it hard to understand
what the younger
generation is talking about.
- Is it cool?
- It's cool.
- Scorpio.
- Uh-Uh, Gemini.
- Groovy.
- Oh, say, you
got a lot of ying.
- Well, you're a loosey,
man, you got beads.
You're outta sight, you
should be right up there
flying about where it's at.
- Oh, man, that's a
heavy number to lay.
You've just blown
every court in my mind.
- Excuse me?
Do you people really
understand each other?
- Sure, we do, baby.
Talking like this
is our bag, right?
- Right, whatever bag means.
(laughs)
- Meanwhile, back
at the convention.
- Gentleman.
- I beg your pardon.
- Yes?
- We're about to embark
on probably the most exciting
TV commercial that we at
Rogers, Brennan and Cowan
have ever made.
It has everything, it has
sex, it has rock music,
it has wild lighting.
It's got everything.
- Pardon me,
Mr. Brenner, but well,
we don't have a black man.
- No black man?
Get me a black man.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry
sir, they happen to all
be working on other commercials.
- This is impossible, we at
Rogers, Brennan and Cowan
have never been stopped before.
This is still going to be the
most exciting commercial
you've ever seen.
(grand music)
- And now we come to
that eagerly awaited moment
when we award the
flying fickle finger of fate.
- And who gets the exquisite
excretions this evening?
- I couldn't wait much
longer for that line.
Moving right along, this
evening the old finger
goes to some members of the
American Independent Party,
the AIP.
- Oh, well what are
they going ape over now?
- A lottery.
Yes, you see, they're
raffling off a number
of unregistered rifles to
raise money for the party.
- Well, with all
those guns around,
what kind of party
is that going to be?
- Oh, it sounds
like a real blast.
But county chairman
Dick Abshire is all in favor
of raffling off the guns
and he says, quote,
"It's quite likely we
may even discourage
"a riot to two," unquote.
- Well, considering
all those guns around,
it might be safer at the riot.
- Well, tonight, we give
it to you, Dick Abshire,
and your non-violent
little group.
It's all yours, lock,
stock and barrel.
- And whatever you do, be
careful with all those guns.
You don't want to
go off half-cocked.
- No more so than usual, Dick.
- And be sure to
tune in next week folk
when the flying
fickle finger of fate
or the gorgeous gregarious
great golden goody
as the contestants on
letters to Laugh-In call it,
goes to those beer
can throwing campers
who this summer turned so
many national parks nights
into national pig sties.
(groovy music)
- One Italian hero!
- Sorry, they all surrounded.
- Careful now,
there's a policeman.
Signal a turn.
(crash)
(upbeat music)
- Hee haw!
(upbeat music)
- Ho, ho.
- One pizza with everything.
(laughs)
Very funny.
One pizza with everything.
- Oh, I didn't hear
you say everything.
(laughs)
So long sugar.
(laughs)
(no audible words)
(laughing)
I suppose you're laughing
at me because I am so smart.
- Oh, don't be silly, I
couldn't be that cruel.
I'm laughing at you
because you're so ugly.
(laughs)
- Now here's what you've
all been waiting for, me.
I'm here to warn you
that this bunch of cuckoos
is going to slow
the hospital down.
Welcome to our
happy little hospital
Health insurance,
Medicare, Blue Cross
We've been operating
at a loss, piddle
We will help in any way
Your ward is 80 bucks a day
Let me show you to
your sterile room, mister
I'm in charge of mop
and pail and broom, mister
You'll adore this
gloomy little tune, mister
Leave your worries at the
door, but please no bleeding
On my floor Don't be nervous
We're the nurses at your service
Don't get strung out
Pop your pills and
stick your tongue out
Drop your robe and let
me check your hemoglobin
If you're dizzy, don't be
shy, just ring your buzzer
Several times, I'm awfully busy
We're very merry intern
and your great surgeon
We'll remove your problem
with some slight urgent
I will lay you open
like a stuffed sturgeon
Purely goodness, glad to school
With no fuss or fall to wall
At your happy hostage (laughs)
We're the patients
resting on our fortifications
We're the dollys with our
quick appdendectomies
Cold disrobings mixed with
needles, pens and probings
Lousy dinner, I'm so
weak from what I eat
I'm getting sick
just being in here
Welcome to our
happy little hospital
When you build, you'd
better come across, piddle
(coughing)
We will stand
here when you fall,
When your back's against
At your very
happy little hospital
La, la, la, la, la
Happy hospital
- Say, Daniel,
speaking of hospitals,
did I ever tell you about
my Uncle Norman?
- Your Uncle Norman.
You've got a lot of uncles,
now what about Norman?
He works in a hospital, does he?
- No, but he went to
one to have a baby.
- Men don't have babies.
- Uncle Norman did.
- What'd he say?
(screams)
You got a funny
uncle, I'll tell you that.
Must have shook
your aunt up a little bit?
- Yeah, she was kind
of hoping for a girl.
- Come on, now wait a
minute, if your uncle really
had a baby, we would
have all heard about it.
- Well, he wanted
to keep it a secret
so his medical insurance
would cover him.
- Oh, well, what did
he tell them it was?
- An 8-pound kidney stone.
- Well, what'd they say?
- They said the
same thing he said.
- Which was?
(screams)
(groovy music)
- Clamps.
Ooh.
Suture.
Okay, that should do it.
Here nurse, put this
turkey in the oven.
- There's no room in the oven.
- Okay, then put
this turkey on ABC.
- Well, there's no room on ABC.
- What time did you call?
- Well, doctor.
(snoring)
Doctor, doctor.
- Yes.
- Now, I asked you here
from Vienna because
you are the world's
greatest surgeon.
Now what conclusions have
you drawn from these X-rays?
- Well, in my professional
opinion, this man
is suffering from
a sprained ankle.
- Ah.
- Or he has a severe
brain concussion.
- Well, are you sure?
- Well, either that or
she was a real swinger.
- This hospital is overcrowding
is getting ridiculous.
- Yes, you know I was
supposed to be in a private room.
- This is a private room.
- Oh, could one of you
gentleman move over.
The pains are coming faster.
(groovy music)
- I was in a hospital
where the service
was so efficient that
you were in one day
and out the next.
Cured or not, you
were out the next.
(laughs)
- I've come to see
about my X-rays doctor.
- Well, look for yourself,
those are your X-rays.
And in my medical opinion,
there's only one thing
left to do.
- What's that doc?
- This.
- Boy, have we found
the perfect way to get all
of our patients out of
their beds in a hurry.
- How's that?
- Well, we put all their
bed pans in the freezer.
- Scalpel.
(laughs)
- What about me, doctor?
- Aw, get your own broad.
(laughs)
(groovy music)
- I've come to find out
about my X-rays, doctor.
- Well, see for yourself.
What do you say about these?
- Well, I'll take three
of those and six,
no, you better give
me five of these.
- You want them
in black and white?
- Last year they built a
wing on the county hospital.
Last week they
built on another wing.
Yesterday the whole
hospital flew away.
- Well, Mr. Davidy, I'm
certainly glad you're up
and around and feeling
better after your heart attack.
- Thank you.
The doctor said I
should just go home
and take it easy and
I'd be as good as, as.
- New?
- New.
- That's wonderful.
Well, don't do anything
to excite yourself.
Here's your bill.
(monitor whooshing)
- I spent three
weeks in the hospital,
two weeks filling out
the admitting forms
and one week in bed.
- Doctor, there was nobody here
and I did the best we could.
Now lookit, you know
he's in bad shape.
What do you think?
- Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't like the
look of that eye.
(laughs)
- I've come to find out
about my X-rays doc.
- Now, look here.
Your lungs are full of gunk
and your bronchimal tubes
are all messed up.
What do you got
to say about that?
What's your excuse?
- Doctor, I'm so nervous.
I'm just dying for a cigarette,
I'm dying for a cigarette.
- I know, I know.
(groovy music)
- One chop to the liver.
- Here, you do it,
I haven't the heart.
(laughs)
- I was just kidding.
- Now be careful,
you're getting close to 40.
- Well, I'm not a day over 28.
(crash)
(boat engine revving)
(upbeat music)
- Gotcha.
- Dick do you know Mitzi Gaynor?
- Do I ever.
- Well, let me finish.
Mitzi Gaynor has a special.
- You could say that again.
- It's gonna be on NBC
right after Bob Hope tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she's gonna
follow Bob Hope.
- She's gonna follow Bob Hope.
- No, he's gonna follow me.
- Gotcha.
- Hello, mothers.
Especially all you busy
mothers and heavens knows
anyone who is a mother is busy.
Yeah, well, this is Mama
Jo Ann and I've got a little bit
of friendly advice
for you, darlings.
Remember take
care of yourself dears.
This la bod is all we've got.
You kidding.
As a matter of the
fact, I go to the doctors
every single week for a checkup.
It does a world of
good for both of us.
(laughs)
And remember darlings,
take good care of it.
And take your pill.
Believe me, if they'd
had the pill four years ago,
I'd still be leading the
chorus line at The Sands,
if you know what I mean.
- Take two of these and
call me in the morning.
- I don't remember the name,
but I never forget a knee.
- Hi, you little sweethearts.
Hi kids, hi.
(kids screaming)
Knock it off.
Hello there sweeties,
this is Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal, hello
little friends, hello.
(kids screaming)
No presents, I had to take
a lot of medicine last night.
- [Kid] Uncle Al.
- What is it little Melissa?
- [Kid] The medicine,
it's a present-
- I'll give you a
lot of medicine,
now knock it off sweetie.
- Now, Uncle Al is,
what do we have today?
(kids screaming)
- A marionette.
Little Brucie, Brucie?
Who gave me this?
- Little Martha.
- [Kid] Can I have it?
- Can you have it, you
certainly can have it.
Now, we're going to show-
- [Kid] Can I have it right now?
- I don't think right now.
- [Kid] After?
- After.
Now, we're going to
show you how little Martha
does her dance, isn't that cute?
Then she does a little turn.
- [Kid] I want
it, too, Uncle Al.
- You're gonna get it.
- [Male] Al, I love you.
- I told you not to come
around here Roger.
(laughs)
Okay, that's it kids.
That's enough of that.
This is Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal.
Goodbye, little
friends, goodbye.
- Now it's time for a quickie.
- Tech Wakenneth?
- Oh, there gonna get you, boy.
(laughs)
- I'm telling you
Dick, it says right here
in my fortune cookie.
Beware of a tall man with
glasses and a mustache.
- Oh, Judy, now
that's ridiculous.
(crash)
- What do you mean
I've got that married look?
- Now that was a quickie.
(glass breaking)
(crash)
- What do you say we
go down to the flop house?
- What and hang around
with a bunch of bums.
(groovy music)
- And those were
tonight's quickies.
- And tonight's
lucky quickie winner
is little Lana Wood.
- Hmm, I didn't know that.
- Dan, just this once, trust me.
- Lana.
- Wood.
- So would Natalie.
- I have some good
news and some bad news
for President Nixon.
First, the Secretary of Interior
has got the oil companies
to stop drilling all
of Santa Barbara.
And now for the bad news.
He's gonna let them
drill on San Clemente.
- Listen to me
you little beauty.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
Wider, wider.
Ladies and gentleman,
this is the man who ate
the Sigfried line.
- Red.
- Wood.
- So would Lana and Natalie.
- All right, now let's go.
It's time for the good
nights and the joke wall.
- Why are you always rushing me.
Hold it, hold the joke wall.
- We gotta get to the joke wall.
- Well, if there's one thing
I hate, it's being rushed.
- Well, we don't have
a lot of time here.
- Well, now just hold it.
I got a letter here and
I just want to see what
it says, so relax.
- Well, maybe you're right.
All right, let's not rush.
You go ahead and read your mail.
- Dear Dick, we will only
be in town for a little while,
would like to see
you at our hotel
but must check out by 9 p.m.
Signed Lana and Natalie.
Uh, let's cue
the joke wall fast.
- Lana Wood.
- So would Natalie.
- Say good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(applause)
(grand music)
- Why don't you folks
go into the kitchen
and make some
sandwiches and stuff now,
so you won't have to
miss any of my show later.
- Henry Gibson.
I've got another one for you.
What kind of dog is not
allowed to the nudist camp?
- A Pekingese?
- Very good, I
thought you were going
to say Doberman Pincer.
- No, it's too early for that.
- Hey, Jeremy, Jeremy Lloyd.
- Yes.
- Hey, listen, do you
know that last week
my cousin was attacked
by a German Shepherd?
- Oh, really, yes, my aunt
did once had a lot of trouble
with a Yugoslavian goat herder.
- Hey, Goldie.
- Oh, I lost my door.
(laughs)
- I saw a guy walk
on the ceiling once.
You know he had
a lot of trouble.
- Oh, what happened?
(laughs)
- His pants kept falling off.
- Hey Artie.
- Huh?
- Do you believe in
preserving wildlife?
- Yes, but my pants
keep falling off.
- Dan?
- Hello Judy.
- Where's the best
place to grow crab grass?
- Oh, any grouchy lawn will do.
- Jackie Leonard?
Where's Jack.
- Right here, sir.
- Hey, Jackie, what's
Raquel Welch's
favorite drinking song?
- Oh, two for two.
- Jack, Jack.
What's Kate Smith's
favorite song?
- Two for nine.
- Hey, Judy.
- Yeah.
- What do you get when
you cross a William Morris
agent with a turnip?
- A turnip that never
returns your phone calls.
- Hello, Pam.
- My boyfriend took me
to a drive-in last night.
- Oh, did you enjoy the picture?
- What picture?
- Hey, England, England.
- Yeah, lad, what is it?
(laughs)
- It's a little early for that.
Too early for that.
- Say, what time
is it by the way?
- Too early.
Would you let the
new kid say her joke.
Thank you very much.
- You need to
walk on the ceiling.
- Jeremy.
Guess what she did this weekend?
- I've no idea, it
sounds very difficult.
- She made a
chair all by herself.
- Really, that must
have been difficult.
- No, it was very.
- It was an easy chair.
- Rude Risa.
Can you lend me $20 till Friday.
- If I can find it,
you can have it,
but don't forget.
(yelling)
- She's owning me.
- Did you ever wear a mu-mu.
- No, no, but they
don't look good on me
as they do, as bad as,
you do two in a tu-tu.
- That's a no, no.
- You think that's a
no-no, wait till we get
to the woods with
Natalie and Lana.
- Arie, I can't
speak for Natalie,
but my bark is
better than my bite.
(upbeat groovy music)
- Two eggs over easy.
- Your wish is my command.
- I said easy.
- What's that noise?
- I think it's your rear-end.
- You're rude, aren't you.
- The preceding program
was pre-recorded.
It is being shown now
because the case was thrown
out of court.
- Very interesting.
Also very strange.
- More strange than anything.
- Oh, the lost battalion.
Go to your bunkers, all of you.
There was a great group of guys.
Night, Tooks.
And now I'm off to the woods.
- Come on, Wolfgang.
- Goodnight, Lucy.
Lucy, this could be goodbye.
- Oh, Harriet.
- Come on, baby.
(applause)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(laughs)
- Well, while nothing worthwhile
is happening around here,
I suggest we all go to
bed and get some rest
and I'd suggest you
people do the same.
I'm fed up with the whole.
- Kiss the daddy,
kiss the daddy.
Go on, kiss it.
He kissed it.
(laughs)
- If Mitzi Gaynor took
off all of her makeup
and went to a psychiatrist,
she'd be a planer,
saner, Gaynor.
(laughs)
It's time to realize
We all need exercise
To tighten up the tissue
And to firm the flabby thighs
Time to stretch Time to bend
Time to take it off the end
For rosy cheeks and
sparkles in the eye.
One, two, three, four
What do we need exercise
- Hello, handsome instructor.
- Hey Jo Ann.
- You know, you look a
awful lot like Dan Rowan.
(laughs)
- Jo Ann, Jo Ann?
- Yes.
- Who is your favorite athlete?
- I'm glad you asked me that.
- Who is it?
- Steve McQueen.
- Aw, now, come on, Steve
McQueen isn't an athlete.
- Have you ever
been out with him?
(laughs)
- Now that I'm working
out, I decided to hike,
will you stop that?
All the way through Alaska.
- Did you go all the way.
- No, but we had
a ball in Fairbanks.
- She'd have gotten
all the way to Nome,
but her legs gave
out, the little cockaree.
- You know, Henry,
ever morning my crowd
and I do pushovers.
- Don't you mean push-ups?
- You exercise with your
crowd, I'll exercise with mine.
- The trouble with
exercise is it makes
you breathe more heavily.
- Surely, there's
nothing wrong with that.
- There is if you
live in Los Angeles.
(laughs)
- Do you realize with
the population explosion,
there will soon be 20
people in every room?
- Goodness, I'll need more
cheese dip, more crackers
and more goodies.
- With your goodies,
you don't need no more
cheese dip or crackers.
- Say Goldie, do you
work out with dumbbells?
- Sure, every morning Alan,
Dick and I do pushovers.
- Dan!
- Yeah, hello, Theresa.
- Dan, here I am.
- Yes, there you are.
- Dan, do you think
student protests on campus
serve any useful purpose?
- Yeah, it does help keep
the police off the streets.
- Police!
(laughs)
- I was taking karate
to defend myself against
an attacker, but I dropped out.
- Well, tell us about it.
- Well last night, I was
beaten up and robbed
by my karate instructor.
- Put him on guard.
- Oh, you little devil.
- Jeremy did you know
that 2% of the pesticides
sprayed on tobacco
plants account
for the smoke you inhale?
- That's good, Henry, now
when you have a coughing fit,
you can kill all the
bugs in the house.
(laughs)
- Da, da, da, da.
- Hey, Jo Ann, how
do you keep yourself in
such great shape?
- Well, I do the Royal
Canadian Air Force.
- You mean the Royal
Canadian Air Force exercises?
- Do they ever.
(laughs)
Push it out, pull it in,
try to get it nice and thin,
Build it up and
cut it down to size
Two, three, four
What do we need, exer
What do you exer What
do you want exercise
(applause)
- And now from the Sin Center
of the San Fernando Valley,
direct from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC is legally
obligated to present
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and the former Dick Martin
with guest starts
Jackie Leonard.
Other guest stars are
Judy Carne, Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues, shy and
retiring Jo Ann Worley,
plus Theresa Graves,
Pamela Rogers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Byron
Guilliam and yours truly
Gary Owens, who is
truly your Owens Gary
and Morgal, as
the friendly Drell,
tonight seen in the dual
role of Sophia Loren,
but first a moment of ecstasy.
- Now I ask you, is this
any way to run an airline?
(laughs)
- Taxi.
(laughs)
- Our fake
commercials are so real
that NBC collects twice.
Here's one that puts
a smile on their face
and some bread in their pockets.
(ching)
Dig it.
- Nitty - Gritty.
- A funny thing happened
to me on the way
to the studio tonight, instead
it wasn't Roman and Marin,
but speaking of a leak in a
duck dyke, here's Holland's
own Rowan and Martin
and I want to say that
(splash)
Away from me you
little Cocker Spaniel.
Good luck and as soon
as you get your finger out
of the hole in the wall (splash)
(laughs)
How about a little soap, please?
And you go out and make
a fool out of yourself again
because you're
making me nervous.
That's very funny.
Lucy, don't worry about a
thing, will you sweetheart.
Just trust me kid.
I used to be with Dinah
Shore many years ago.
(laughs)
- Oh, Jackie Leonard,
do you look adorable.
You are cute as a bug's ear.
Look at that little mouth, ooh.
You know something,
here's a secret.
You're all wet (laughs)
(splash)
How about a cheap towel?
(laughs)
As I was about to say folks,
it's always a pleasure to say
goodbye to Rowan and Martin.
- Listen, you look
particularly relaxed tonight,
I guess I won't talk to you.
- Well, I just a weekend
on my new boat.
- Oh, really, your
boat have sails?
- No, I try to hold out for
the regular price when I can.
- Hey, I'll frame that
question another way.
- All right.
- What power is your boat?
- I have twin screws.
- Diesel or gas?
- Two of each.
- Sorry I asked.
- You want to go
back to the sails?
(laughs)
- Come on, what kind is she?
- Well, the regular
kind, tall, slinky,
gorgeous blonde hair, big.
- No, the boat, the boat.
You always refer to a boat
as she, boats are feminine.
- Boats are feminine?
- Yeah, of course, you
speak of a boat as if she's
a woman, you treat her
just like she's a woman.
- You mean every year you
haul a girl out of the water
and have her bottom scraped?
(laughs)
- I'll leap right in here,
what kind of boat
do you have, Dave?
- A houseboat.
- Houseboat's are great.
I hear you can do
anything on a houseboat
you can do in a house.
- Well, don't ever try to
open the basement window.
- You had a little
accident visiting
the wine cellar, did you?
- Well, let me put it this way.
I finally caught
Charlie the Tuna.
(laughs)
- So he's finally in the can?
- No, he's in the kitchen.
(laughs)
- Listen, do you really
like this houseboat?
- Oh, you'd be proud of
me the way I park her, boy.
- Berth her.
- No, the boat, I mean
Bertha was getting
her bottom scraped.
You ought to see me standing
up there in front of the bow.
- Bow.
(laughs)
Well, I'm gonna persist in this.
How many does
this houseboat sleep?
- Well, I can put up
four married couples.
- Or you can put up
with four married couples.
- Four married couples
or 18 good friends.
- What makes the difference?
- The 12 mile limit.
(laughs)
- Well, now that you
have your own boat,
I guess you'll need a slip.
- No, I figure a frilly
t-shirt and a sailor's cap
would about do it.
I don't go any
further than that.
- A slip, where you
keep the boat, a slip.
- No, I keep it in the garage.
- You can't put a
houseboat on a trailer.
- Who said anything
about a trailer?
- Well, how are you gonna
get the boat from the ocean
to your garage?
- Well, it's easy.
You go up the
Pacific Coast Highway,
you turn right on
Sunset Boulevard
and you keep
looking for puddles.
You remember Puddles,
she went with Bertha
to get her bottom scraped.
(laughs)
Now they're trying to
get Charlie out of the can
in the kitchen.
- I don't want to hear about it.
- They're out in the
12-mile limit with 18 friends
standing in the bow.
- Bow.
(footsteps)
(kicky music)
(laughs)
- Why windows steam
up by Henry Gibson.
Windows steam up from crying.
Back at the curtain is
where we hide hurtin'.
(laughs)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Male On The Phone]
I'm gonna come over there
and hug you and kiss
you till you won't be able
to stand it, then I'm gonna
rip your clothes to shreds.
Oh, you're never gonna
forget tonight Harriet.
- Harriet, this isn't Harriet.
- [Male On The Phone]
Oh, sorry, I must have
the wrong number.
- Does that mean you
won't be coming over?
- When it comes to
telling things straight out,
no one shoots straighter
than the gaggling gun
of television, Laugh-In's
own right guard,
mighty General Bullwright.
Fire away general.
(trumpet revelry)
- Are we on there?
Good evening, America
and fellow Americans.
Drop your socks
and grab your pencils
because this is
top priority tonight.
Now my commentary is
brought to you this evening
by those good
folks at your local
Army weapons surplus store.
Guns proven in wartime
are guns that'll make
peace time a pleasure.
(laughs)
And that's what I want
to talk to you about,
war and a healthy economy.
Because, over there, there
are a lot of mealy mouths
who say we shouldn't
be in Vietnam.
Bull feathers!
Well, get this straight
you com simps,
each day in Vietnam
our boys eat up $700,000
worth of food.
Now that's $4,900,00 a
week of Spam, Shingles,
eggs ketchup, beef,
paprika and other good old
US of A staples.
They drink more than a
million cases of beer a week,
eat 52 tons of beef a
day, and I haven't even
gotten to the bread,
rolls, cake and coffee.
So listen pinkos.
You pull those boys out
of Vietnam and you'll see
the economy tumble, just
what Moscow and Peking
would like to see, right.
Think about it.
Well, that's it for now,
smoke 'em if you got 'em.
See me, see me next week
on the Bill Buckley show,
we take on all the comedies.
(laughs)
Remember, citizen soldiers,
when America is arming,
it's charming.
(majestic music)
(groovy music)
- One hamburger, hold the fry.
- I'll make the hamburger,
you hold the fry.
- Bam, I don't need this.
- You're doing
fine, Mrs. Johnson.
Let's see now,
signal for a left turn.
(crash)
I meant to tell you to
roll that window down.
- Darling I do wish you
could dance better than that.
Everyone is staring at us.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Hi!
- Poppycock!
(upbeat music)
- One club sandwich.
- Coming right up and down.
- Oooh.
- Goldie, if you want
o hit a real high note,
you have to practice
breath control.
- Well, I don't think
Po-Po is going to like that.
(laughs)
- Goldie, you're
thinking of birth control.
Well, now that's silly,
what does birth control
got to do with
hitting a high note?
(hits a high note)
Tell me, tell me,
tell me, tell me,
What have you heard
Listen, we're
tapping out the words
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In the way we open
our news, news
We have got to get into our news
Da, ta, tee da
Ladies and gents now
take a look at our news
We dance (applause)
- And now with the news
report, here's the man
to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Drakey.
(applause)
- Good evening.
Hmm, the Council of
American Indians today gifted
Secretary of the
Interior Walter Hickle
with a genuine Apache
arrowhead and shaft,
saying it was high
time they returned
the government's favor.
(baby whines)
The Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Midgets
will hold it's annual
convention next week
in New York at the
Waldorf Astoria hotel
in the lobby under
the coffee table.
(laughs)
(baby whines)
Burbank, California, the
world's youngest exotic dancer,
7-year-old Twinkles Finkle
was arrested last night
at the Boom Boom Club.
Denying charges of
indecent exposure,
Twinkles Finkle's
mother angrily declared
everything would
have been all right,
if the kid hadn't lost
her training pasties.
(baby cries)
Take it away, Goldie.
- And now with the news
that's going to happen
20 years from now, here's
the news, future news,
with our man of the
future, Dan Rowan.
- Gee, that was
very done, Goldie.
You're getting
better every week.
- And if you think was
something, wait till you hear me
read the news of the future.
- No, no, Goldie, I read
the news of the future.
- Boy, for such a big
star, you sure are pushy.
- Yes, I'll try and tone
it town a little Goldie.
- [Goldie] Pushy, pushy, pushy.
- Pushy, pushy, pushy.
Here's a pushy news item
from Washington, D.C. 1989.
Senator Sonny Boy
must be the fourth,
introduced a bill to
lower the voting age to 6.
He said and I quote, "If
6-year-olds are fighting
"for the South
Vietnamese and Saigon,
"it seems they certainly
should be allowed to vote."
(laughs)
Pushy, pushy.
Burbank rocket
experts today shattered
their previous altitude
record of 800 feet
with a new record of 805 feet.
Burbank Space
Administration spokesman said
the new record is
due to the addition
of a 5-foot nose cone.
(laughs)
Washington, D.C. 20
years from now, negotiation
of secret agreements
came under fire-
- [Goldie] Pushy.
- Pushy, all right, Goldie.
From now on, negotiation
of secret agreements
came under fire today
when it was revealed
that two government
agencies working independently
of each other under
top secret conditions
had placed the United States
in the embarrassing position
of having agreed
to invade itself.
- Now the Laugh-In news
goes bumbling through
the pages history
of the laboratory
of Samuel F.B. Morris,
the father of the telegraph,
and believe me folks,
I hope his other kids
are better looking, because
that's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever seen.
- Good morning, Mrs. Staple.
- Good morning,
Samuel, what's that?
- It's just something I
whipped up in the lab,
but I can't seem to
find any use for it.
- Hmm, let me see.
Wait a minute, I think I've
got something here, watch this.
- I think you've got
something there Mrs. Staple.
We'll name it after you.
We'll call it the Henrietta.
- Hmm, but my name is Judy.
- Yes, but what kind of
name is Judy for a stapler?
- If you want to
know what's buzzing
on the Hollywood
scene, just listen
to our buzzin' cousin Ruth Buzzi
with all the scoops.
- Why is my news release
always late getting here?
- I got it, I got it, as
an anniversary present,
Steve McQueen's
wife presented him
with a thoroughbred beagle
and a purebred Basset,
who follows him
wherever he goes.
- Oh, you honey.
- I have on reliable
authority that Steve McQueen
is being hounded all over
town by a couple of real dogs.
- Hi there government lovers.
Pam Rogers, your man in
Washington, with some hot tips
about your local
government in action,
if you know what I mean.
Today there was
supposed to be a big caucus,
but all the guys got hung
up in some dumb meeting.
Anyway, I'll get the lowdown
if it takes me all night long.
(gavel pounds)
That's a wrap sweeties.
Oh, good night, Nancy
Dickerson, wherever you are.
- Since this is the
week that we celebrate
the discovery of
America by Columbus,
Dick and I wondered
what I might have been like
if his trip had received the
same kind of TV coverage
as our recent moon landing.
- Hello, hello, network control.
We are trying to
make contact again
with Christopher
Columbus out there.
Wait a minute, we're
getting a picture.
Come in Columbus, over.
- Columbus right chere.
And incidentally we were doing
a very wonderful experiment
you might be interested in.
You'll note when
I invert this dipper
of ordinary drinking water,
it falls vertically downward.
After doing this experiment
for the last three months,
we've noticed a very
interesting phenomenon.
- [Alan] Yes, and what was that?
- We're rapidly running
out of drinking water.
- Just a minute,
I've received word
that Columbus has touched down.
And he's about to land.
Columbus, yes he has
land and he has set foot
on the new world.
- Wowee, that's a big
step for a small man.
- [Alan] Columbus, do
you see any signs of life?
- Yes, I think I
see an Indian chief.
I think I'll go over and have
a talk with this young man.
- [Alan] What a
momentous occasion.
We are about to hear
the first words spoken
by a native of the new world.
- Many moons.
I've traveled over wide water,
to discover new world.
- Yeah, welcome baby.
Just in time for Columbus Day.
(laughs)
- Okay, sports fans,
this one's for you.
It's the man who made
a ball out of baseball,
the man who put
the la in lacrosse
and his chorus girl's
best friend, roommate,
you know all that stuff,
it's the sportiest sport
of all the sports, my
own adorable Big Al.
It's all yours Big Al.
- Hi, Big Al here,
hiding in the own dugout.
- Nah, your place,
okay, sweetie?
(rings bell)
- Meat to a rat.
They don't me tickle
toes for nothing.
(laughs)
Do you want to hold
my tinkle till later?
You know how I love that.
Well, I just finished covering
the National Skydiving
Championship
and I must say that from
going to a thousand feet
from the ground in a
suit is a big letdown.
I mean, the winner, the
guy who waited the longest
to open his chute was
presented a gorgeous loving cup,
which his teammates
used to carry him home in.
Slosh, slosh, his
cup runneth over.
Well, the only rip
chord I'll ever pull
is the one that
drops my jammies.
Ta-ta.
We're happy now
Ladies and gents, now
we're hosting the news
- Here's Dan.
I got the plants
over you in Tacoma
Violin playing our
song Lad da dee da
(laughs)
It's me, whoo, hoo.
(laughs)
A moment please.
Ms. Hornsby, isn't
it time we behaved
like more civilized
human beings?
Hmm, mm, hmm, mm.
In light of your silence,
may I tell you about
my plans for our weekend.
(laughs)
Sticks and stones
may break my bones,
but I can bend, oh, hey.
- Beans are a side.
- Anything you
say little fellow.
- I, I, I, I'm upset.
- What's that?
- The gas pedal.
- And that?
- The hand brake.
- What's that?
- A bus!
(crash)
- Guess who?
- Wilt Chamberlain.
I was right.
(splash)
- Help!
- Hey, all you guys in the
National Football League
I love you.
Let's huddle.
- Well, I've got some good
news and some bad news.
First, I played spin the bottle
with eight guys last night.
Now for the bad news.
They were the cast
of Boys in the Band.
- Roses are red,
violets are blue,
NBC is going to sock it to you.
(ding)
Not me you ding-a-lings, Julie.
Everybody loves
somebody sometimes.
Box zero, Burbank.
- Now stay tuned
for letters to Laugh-In,
presented every Monday
night, I mean every
(laughs)
Every afternoon,
Monday through Friday
at the same time on NBC.
- Boy are you mixed up Gary.
It's Monday night
and we're on Laugh-In.
This isn't one of the
letters to Laugh-In programs
that are seen every
afternoon Monday
through Friday on NBC.
What are you trying to do Gary?
Sneak in a plug?
Shape up kiddo.
(crash)
- One tomato surprise.
Oh, no.
- Surprise!
- Oh, you see that
tall fellow over there?
That's Mickey Rooney.
- Hey you know there's
a famous sports figure
in our audience?
- I didn't know that.
- Mr. Pat Crowley.
- Who's he?
- The first man to go over
Niagara Falls on roller skates.
- No kidding?
- Where is he, I don't see him.
- Well, he's right back
there in the doggy bag.
(laughs)
- What's he doing
in a doggy bag?
- Well, somehow when
you go over Niagara Falls
on roller skates, afterwards
none of your suits fit.
- Dick, go to your party.
- Yeah, well, you're
all invited, too.
(applause)
(groovy music)
- One thing you can
say about the pill,
if you don't take
it, before long
you may be counting
your blessings.
(groovy music)
Hi there, would you like
to come up to my place
tonight and babysit?
- I'd love to, Dick.
- Just call me baby.
(groovy music)
- Goldie?
- Yes, yes.
- Do you believe
in test tube babies?
- Of course not.
I mean, of course not.
Who wants a bunch
of baby test tubes
running around the house.
(groovy music)
- If the Shah should
promise an abundant harvest
is it wise for the
dancing maiden
to seek other quarters,
also nickels, dimes?
(groovy music)
- Borris says he doesn't think
sex education is necessary.
I mean, he had
no education at all
and he's making out just fine.
What I mean is we've
got a whole house full
of those baby test tubes.
- I shouldn't even be here
tonight, I don't feel good.
- Oh, poor baby.
- You know what
happened to me today?
- Uh-Huh.
- I swallowed some
birth control pills,
I thought they were aspirin.
Now I've got a
headache in my knee.
(groovy music)
- You know since
1945 the United States
has spent a
thousand billion dollars
on the police action in Korea
and the advisors in Vietnam.
Do you know know
much it would have cost
if those had been wars?
(groovy music)
- How odd you Americans are.
You know you've just
spent over 30 billion dollars
to send your astronauts
to a drab, dismal place
that's unfit for
human existence.
- Some people go to a
place like that every day
and it only costs bus far.
(groovy music)
- At the rate
teachers are leaving
the California school
system Governor Reagan
may soon lose all his faculties.
(groovy music)
- Literary talent
isn't appreciated.
I sent in my new
underground novel
and the publisher said
it was carelessly written
and poorly thought out.
That's two whole days'
work down the drain.
(groovy music)
You know what?
I just paid $10 for a
bra that used to cost $5
and it still shrank.
- It's a matter of simple
economics darling.
You see, you're either
a victim of tight money
or over inflation.
(groovy music)
- My son and daughter-in-law
didn't want anyone
to know where they're
honeymoon was going to be
and I cooperated fully.
For the entire two
weeks, I never asked
where we were.
(groovy music)
- My new car has everything.
Automatic windshield
wipers, automatic steering,
automatic brakes and
automatic recall to the factory.
(groovy music)
- Last week a man came to
my house taking a sex survey.
I was doing fine till I
got to the multiple choice.
(groovy music)
(applause)
- One of the major problems
in the generation gap
is communications.
The older generation
finds it hard to understand
what the younger
generation is talking about.
- Is it cool?
- It's cool.
- Scorpio.
- Uh-Uh, Gemini.
- Groovy.
- Oh, say, you
got a lot of ying.
- Well, you're a loosey,
man, you got beads.
You're outta sight, you
should be right up there
flying about where it's at.
- Oh, man, that's a
heavy number to lay.
You've just blown
every court in my mind.
- Excuse me?
Do you people really
understand each other?
- Sure, we do, baby.
Talking like this
is our bag, right?
- Right, whatever bag means.
(laughs)
- Meanwhile, back
at the convention.
- Gentleman.
- I beg your pardon.
- Yes?
- We're about to embark
on probably the most exciting
TV commercial that we at
Rogers, Brennan and Cowan
have ever made.
It has everything, it has
sex, it has rock music,
it has wild lighting.
It's got everything.
- Pardon me,
Mr. Brenner, but well,
we don't have a black man.
- No black man?
Get me a black man.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry
sir, they happen to all
be working on other commercials.
- This is impossible, we at
Rogers, Brennan and Cowan
have never been stopped before.
This is still going to be the
most exciting commercial
you've ever seen.
(grand music)
- And now we come to
that eagerly awaited moment
when we award the
flying fickle finger of fate.
- And who gets the exquisite
excretions this evening?
- I couldn't wait much
longer for that line.
Moving right along, this
evening the old finger
goes to some members of the
American Independent Party,
the AIP.
- Oh, well what are
they going ape over now?
- A lottery.
Yes, you see, they're
raffling off a number
of unregistered rifles to
raise money for the party.
- Well, with all
those guns around,
what kind of party
is that going to be?
- Oh, it sounds
like a real blast.
But county chairman
Dick Abshire is all in favor
of raffling off the guns
and he says, quote,
"It's quite likely we
may even discourage
"a riot to two," unquote.
- Well, considering
all those guns around,
it might be safer at the riot.
- Well, tonight, we give
it to you, Dick Abshire,
and your non-violent
little group.
It's all yours, lock,
stock and barrel.
- And whatever you do, be
careful with all those guns.
You don't want to
go off half-cocked.
- No more so than usual, Dick.
- And be sure to
tune in next week folk
when the flying
fickle finger of fate
or the gorgeous gregarious
great golden goody
as the contestants on
letters to Laugh-In call it,
goes to those beer
can throwing campers
who this summer turned so
many national parks nights
into national pig sties.
(groovy music)
- One Italian hero!
- Sorry, they all surrounded.
- Careful now,
there's a policeman.
Signal a turn.
(crash)
(upbeat music)
- Hee haw!
(upbeat music)
- Ho, ho.
- One pizza with everything.
(laughs)
Very funny.
One pizza with everything.
- Oh, I didn't hear
you say everything.
(laughs)
So long sugar.
(laughs)
(no audible words)
(laughing)
I suppose you're laughing
at me because I am so smart.
- Oh, don't be silly, I
couldn't be that cruel.
I'm laughing at you
because you're so ugly.
(laughs)
- Now here's what you've
all been waiting for, me.
I'm here to warn you
that this bunch of cuckoos
is going to slow
the hospital down.
Welcome to our
happy little hospital
Health insurance,
Medicare, Blue Cross
We've been operating
at a loss, piddle
We will help in any way
Your ward is 80 bucks a day
Let me show you to
your sterile room, mister
I'm in charge of mop
and pail and broom, mister
You'll adore this
gloomy little tune, mister
Leave your worries at the
door, but please no bleeding
On my floor Don't be nervous
We're the nurses at your service
Don't get strung out
Pop your pills and
stick your tongue out
Drop your robe and let
me check your hemoglobin
If you're dizzy, don't be
shy, just ring your buzzer
Several times, I'm awfully busy
We're very merry intern
and your great surgeon
We'll remove your problem
with some slight urgent
I will lay you open
like a stuffed sturgeon
Purely goodness, glad to school
With no fuss or fall to wall
At your happy hostage (laughs)
We're the patients
resting on our fortifications
We're the dollys with our
quick appdendectomies
Cold disrobings mixed with
needles, pens and probings
Lousy dinner, I'm so
weak from what I eat
I'm getting sick
just being in here
Welcome to our
happy little hospital
When you build, you'd
better come across, piddle
(coughing)
We will stand
here when you fall,
When your back's against
At your very
happy little hospital
La, la, la, la, la
Happy hospital
- Say, Daniel,
speaking of hospitals,
did I ever tell you about
my Uncle Norman?
- Your Uncle Norman.
You've got a lot of uncles,
now what about Norman?
He works in a hospital, does he?
- No, but he went to
one to have a baby.
- Men don't have babies.
- Uncle Norman did.
- What'd he say?
(screams)
You got a funny
uncle, I'll tell you that.
Must have shook
your aunt up a little bit?
- Yeah, she was kind
of hoping for a girl.
- Come on, now wait a
minute, if your uncle really
had a baby, we would
have all heard about it.
- Well, he wanted
to keep it a secret
so his medical insurance
would cover him.
- Oh, well, what did
he tell them it was?
- An 8-pound kidney stone.
- Well, what'd they say?
- They said the
same thing he said.
- Which was?
(screams)
(groovy music)
- Clamps.
Ooh.
Suture.
Okay, that should do it.
Here nurse, put this
turkey in the oven.
- There's no room in the oven.
- Okay, then put
this turkey on ABC.
- Well, there's no room on ABC.
- What time did you call?
- Well, doctor.
(snoring)
Doctor, doctor.
- Yes.
- Now, I asked you here
from Vienna because
you are the world's
greatest surgeon.
Now what conclusions have
you drawn from these X-rays?
- Well, in my professional
opinion, this man
is suffering from
a sprained ankle.
- Ah.
- Or he has a severe
brain concussion.
- Well, are you sure?
- Well, either that or
she was a real swinger.
- This hospital is overcrowding
is getting ridiculous.
- Yes, you know I was
supposed to be in a private room.
- This is a private room.
- Oh, could one of you
gentleman move over.
The pains are coming faster.
(groovy music)
- I was in a hospital
where the service
was so efficient that
you were in one day
and out the next.
Cured or not, you
were out the next.
(laughs)
- I've come to see
about my X-rays doctor.
- Well, look for yourself,
those are your X-rays.
And in my medical opinion,
there's only one thing
left to do.
- What's that doc?
- This.
- Boy, have we found
the perfect way to get all
of our patients out of
their beds in a hurry.
- How's that?
- Well, we put all their
bed pans in the freezer.
- Scalpel.
(laughs)
- What about me, doctor?
- Aw, get your own broad.
(laughs)
(groovy music)
- I've come to find out
about my X-rays, doctor.
- Well, see for yourself.
What do you say about these?
- Well, I'll take three
of those and six,
no, you better give
me five of these.
- You want them
in black and white?
- Last year they built a
wing on the county hospital.
Last week they
built on another wing.
Yesterday the whole
hospital flew away.
- Well, Mr. Davidy, I'm
certainly glad you're up
and around and feeling
better after your heart attack.
- Thank you.
The doctor said I
should just go home
and take it easy and
I'd be as good as, as.
- New?
- New.
- That's wonderful.
Well, don't do anything
to excite yourself.
Here's your bill.
(monitor whooshing)
- I spent three
weeks in the hospital,
two weeks filling out
the admitting forms
and one week in bed.
- Doctor, there was nobody here
and I did the best we could.
Now lookit, you know
he's in bad shape.
What do you think?
- Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't like the
look of that eye.
(laughs)
- I've come to find out
about my X-rays doc.
- Now, look here.
Your lungs are full of gunk
and your bronchimal tubes
are all messed up.
What do you got
to say about that?
What's your excuse?
- Doctor, I'm so nervous.
I'm just dying for a cigarette,
I'm dying for a cigarette.
- I know, I know.
(groovy music)
- One chop to the liver.
- Here, you do it,
I haven't the heart.
(laughs)
- I was just kidding.
- Now be careful,
you're getting close to 40.
- Well, I'm not a day over 28.
(crash)
(boat engine revving)
(upbeat music)
- Gotcha.
- Dick do you know Mitzi Gaynor?
- Do I ever.
- Well, let me finish.
Mitzi Gaynor has a special.
- You could say that again.
- It's gonna be on NBC
right after Bob Hope tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she's gonna
follow Bob Hope.
- She's gonna follow Bob Hope.
- No, he's gonna follow me.
- Gotcha.
- Hello, mothers.
Especially all you busy
mothers and heavens knows
anyone who is a mother is busy.
Yeah, well, this is Mama
Jo Ann and I've got a little bit
of friendly advice
for you, darlings.
Remember take
care of yourself dears.
This la bod is all we've got.
You kidding.
As a matter of the
fact, I go to the doctors
every single week for a checkup.
It does a world of
good for both of us.
(laughs)
And remember darlings,
take good care of it.
And take your pill.
Believe me, if they'd
had the pill four years ago,
I'd still be leading the
chorus line at The Sands,
if you know what I mean.
- Take two of these and
call me in the morning.
- I don't remember the name,
but I never forget a knee.
- Hi, you little sweethearts.
Hi kids, hi.
(kids screaming)
Knock it off.
Hello there sweeties,
this is Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal, hello
little friends, hello.
(kids screaming)
No presents, I had to take
a lot of medicine last night.
- [Kid] Uncle Al.
- What is it little Melissa?
- [Kid] The medicine,
it's a present-
- I'll give you a
lot of medicine,
now knock it off sweetie.
- Now, Uncle Al is,
what do we have today?
(kids screaming)
- A marionette.
Little Brucie, Brucie?
Who gave me this?
- Little Martha.
- [Kid] Can I have it?
- Can you have it, you
certainly can have it.
Now, we're going to show-
- [Kid] Can I have it right now?
- I don't think right now.
- [Kid] After?
- After.
Now, we're going to
show you how little Martha
does her dance, isn't that cute?
Then she does a little turn.
- [Kid] I want
it, too, Uncle Al.
- You're gonna get it.
- [Male] Al, I love you.
- I told you not to come
around here Roger.
(laughs)
Okay, that's it kids.
That's enough of that.
This is Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal.
Goodbye, little
friends, goodbye.
- Now it's time for a quickie.
- Tech Wakenneth?
- Oh, there gonna get you, boy.
(laughs)
- I'm telling you
Dick, it says right here
in my fortune cookie.
Beware of a tall man with
glasses and a mustache.
- Oh, Judy, now
that's ridiculous.
(crash)
- What do you mean
I've got that married look?
- Now that was a quickie.
(glass breaking)
(crash)
- What do you say we
go down to the flop house?
- What and hang around
with a bunch of bums.
(groovy music)
- And those were
tonight's quickies.
- And tonight's
lucky quickie winner
is little Lana Wood.
- Hmm, I didn't know that.
- Dan, just this once, trust me.
- Lana.
- Wood.
- So would Natalie.
- I have some good
news and some bad news
for President Nixon.
First, the Secretary of Interior
has got the oil companies
to stop drilling all
of Santa Barbara.
And now for the bad news.
He's gonna let them
drill on San Clemente.
- Listen to me
you little beauty.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
Wider, wider.
Ladies and gentleman,
this is the man who ate
the Sigfried line.
- Red.
- Wood.
- So would Lana and Natalie.
- All right, now let's go.
It's time for the good
nights and the joke wall.
- Why are you always rushing me.
Hold it, hold the joke wall.
- We gotta get to the joke wall.
- Well, if there's one thing
I hate, it's being rushed.
- Well, we don't have
a lot of time here.
- Well, now just hold it.
I got a letter here and
I just want to see what
it says, so relax.
- Well, maybe you're right.
All right, let's not rush.
You go ahead and read your mail.
- Dear Dick, we will only
be in town for a little while,
would like to see
you at our hotel
but must check out by 9 p.m.
Signed Lana and Natalie.
Uh, let's cue
the joke wall fast.
- Lana Wood.
- So would Natalie.
- Say good night Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(applause)
(grand music)
- Why don't you folks
go into the kitchen
and make some
sandwiches and stuff now,
so you won't have to
miss any of my show later.
- Henry Gibson.
I've got another one for you.
What kind of dog is not
allowed to the nudist camp?
- A Pekingese?
- Very good, I
thought you were going
to say Doberman Pincer.
- No, it's too early for that.
- Hey, Jeremy, Jeremy Lloyd.
- Yes.
- Hey, listen, do you
know that last week
my cousin was attacked
by a German Shepherd?
- Oh, really, yes, my aunt
did once had a lot of trouble
with a Yugoslavian goat herder.
- Hey, Goldie.
- Oh, I lost my door.
(laughs)
- I saw a guy walk
on the ceiling once.
You know he had
a lot of trouble.
- Oh, what happened?
(laughs)
- His pants kept falling off.
- Hey Artie.
- Huh?
- Do you believe in
preserving wildlife?
- Yes, but my pants
keep falling off.
- Dan?
- Hello Judy.
- Where's the best
place to grow crab grass?
- Oh, any grouchy lawn will do.
- Jackie Leonard?
Where's Jack.
- Right here, sir.
- Hey, Jackie, what's
Raquel Welch's
favorite drinking song?
- Oh, two for two.
- Jack, Jack.
What's Kate Smith's
favorite song?
- Two for nine.
- Hey, Judy.
- Yeah.
- What do you get when
you cross a William Morris
agent with a turnip?
- A turnip that never
returns your phone calls.
- Hello, Pam.
- My boyfriend took me
to a drive-in last night.
- Oh, did you enjoy the picture?
- What picture?
- Hey, England, England.
- Yeah, lad, what is it?
(laughs)
- It's a little early for that.
Too early for that.
- Say, what time
is it by the way?
- Too early.
Would you let the
new kid say her joke.
Thank you very much.
- You need to
walk on the ceiling.
- Jeremy.
Guess what she did this weekend?
- I've no idea, it
sounds very difficult.
- She made a
chair all by herself.
- Really, that must
have been difficult.
- No, it was very.
- It was an easy chair.
- Rude Risa.
Can you lend me $20 till Friday.
- If I can find it,
you can have it,
but don't forget.
(yelling)
- She's owning me.
- Did you ever wear a mu-mu.
- No, no, but they
don't look good on me
as they do, as bad as,
you do two in a tu-tu.
- That's a no, no.
- You think that's a
no-no, wait till we get
to the woods with
Natalie and Lana.
- Arie, I can't
speak for Natalie,
but my bark is
better than my bite.
(upbeat groovy music)
- Two eggs over easy.
- Your wish is my command.
- I said easy.
- What's that noise?
- I think it's your rear-end.
- You're rude, aren't you.
- The preceding program
was pre-recorded.
It is being shown now
because the case was thrown
out of court.
- Very interesting.
Also very strange.
- More strange than anything.
- Oh, the lost battalion.
Go to your bunkers, all of you.
There was a great group of guys.
Night, Tooks.
And now I'm off to the woods.
- Come on, Wolfgang.
- Goodnight, Lucy.
Lucy, this could be goodbye.
- Oh, Harriet.
- Come on, baby.
(applause)