Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 21 - Episode #3.21 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought you
in living color on NBC.
- You say you want
a divorce now, huh?
Then why did we
have these 20 kids?
- I was hoping I could
lose you in the crowd.
(audience laughing)
- Now stay tuned for this
most important message.
- I'm Uncle Sam to
200 million Americans.
I sure wish my brother
would slow down.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] You already told em,
now they won't stay tuned!
(audience laughing)
- I'm Greer Garson.
I made several pictures
with Walter Pigeon.
One like this.
(drumroll)
And one like this.
(drumroll)
- You know Mister Backus,
I've always looked up to you
as an actor.
- Because you
admire my versatility?
- No because I'm
shorter than you are.
(audience laughing)
(tap shoes tapping)
- Hey, wasn't that Gene Kelly?
He must be here to introduce
that new dance craze,
the Farkel.
- Oh no, Ferd Berfel's
gonna do the Farkel.
- Kelly's a keen kicker,
but Ferd's a far
fancier Farkelr.
(laughing)
- I love your show
Andy, but I gotta tell you,
I sure miss Amos.
(audience laughing)
You gotta get some sunblock.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat square dance music)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(upbeat square dance music)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(detonator exploding)
(audience laughing)
(wood breaking)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(upbeat square dance music)
(audience laughing)
(piano keys clamoring)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Municipal Courthouse
and topless bowling alley,
NBC strips its
gears and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Burbank's
own first family,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Carl Reiner.
And Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Alan Suze.
And Burbank's own
cig-alert Jo Ann Worley.
(buzzing)
Also huddling for warmth
are Teresa Graves.
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy
Lloyd, and Lily Tomlin.
And me, I'm Gary Owens.
Bringing you this
important mess... age.
Oh, message.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat playful music)
- Hiya neighbor, whatcha doin?
- Oh I can't find
my Right Guard.
(laughing)
- Oh that's too bad,
cause I got mine.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat playful music)
- Farkel.
- Farkel.
(sniffing)
(blowing)
- Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha.
- Awhile back, Mel Brooks
and I did the 2,00 Year Old Man.
Now here I am on Laugh-In,
doing 2,000 year old jokes.
(audience laughing)
And speaking of old jokes,
here's Burbank's
own Myrt and Marge,
Dan Rowan and the
lovely Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
- Good evening, Richard.
- Well it's funny
you should ask,
I've been having trouble
with my toaster, too.
- I heard that, what
seems to be the problem.
- Well you see, the
toast wouldn't pop up,
so I gave it a good kick.
And at the same
time, I rang a little bell,
and the toast popped right up.
- Sounds familiar.
- Well it went on for weeks.
A good kick and a little bell,
and the toast pops right up.
- Very familiar.
- Now I don't have to
kick my toaster any more.
All I do is ring the bell
and up pops the toast.
- Yeah, Pavlov
did that with dogs.
- Oh you kick a dog
and the toast pops up?
- No!
(audience laughing)
- You kick the toast
and the dog pops up?
- No, no, no.
- You kick Pavlov
and the toast pops up?
- It's Pavlov and nothing
pops up, you doo-doo.
- Well what do you
kick and what pops up?
- I kick you and
the party pops up.
(upbeat disco music)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat disco music)
- I gotta friend who couldn't
wait to get out of the army
because he had to share
everything and live 40 in a room.
Now he's joined a hippie
commune and he loves it.
They live 40 in a room
and he shares everything.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- The girls and I feel
so terrible when we see
all those unfortunate people
in the poor part of town.
So we've tastefully decided
to do something about it.
From now on, we're
not going to drive through
the poor part of town.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Jeremy, I wanted to ask you,
I understand that John
Lennon sent back that medal
they gave him, the Member
of the British Empire, was it?
Because England supports
the United States in the war
in Vietnam, is that right?
- That's right, Dan.
And I suppose since England
also supported America
against Japan he'll be
sending back Yoko Ono.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- On my date last
night, I wore a wig,
contact lenses, false
fingernails, fake eyelashes,
and a lot of padding.
My boyfriend just
loved me to pieces.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I understand the Vatican has
added an 11th Commandment.
Thou shalt not pill.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I just found out why my
new car's called a fastback.
Only got it a week ago
and already the factory
wants it back.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I keep forgetting
to put on my gloves.
Teresa said to me, she said
I oughtta tie a string
around my finger.
But you know,
Teresa's really dumb
because the gloves
are much warmer.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Settle down.
How'd you like to come
up to my apartment?
- You sure you won't
try anything fresh?
- Nope, same old thing.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I don't know why my
son-in-law is so angry with me.
All I did was introduce
him to the girls at the club
as my daughter's first husband.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Rowan, this time I
got the rickle for you.
- You got what?
- A rickle.
- A riddle?
- A riddle that's right.
What is it has
blue team in office,
three polo-hoi-its-es,
and one hol-yeky?
- And one hol-yeky?
I don't know, what?
- A flying habolesky that
gives you a (mumbling)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Our old friend, Treasury
Secretary Kennedy,
said that the recent rise in
unemployment is acceptable.
That's easy for him
to say, he's got a job.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Well, Boris and I went to
a seance again last night.
And we made definite contact.
In fact we didn't lose
contact until about six hours
after the seance was over.
(laughing) We did a lot of
hugging all over our bones.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Toy manufacturers are
coming out with a brand new line
of black dolls.
They're calling them,
"Some of Ken and
Barbie's Best Friends."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
(audience applauding)
- Well buddy it's
time for the quickies.
- Speaking of old buddies,
you know I met one
in Hollywood last night.
- You bumped into an old friend?
- No as a matter of fact
she bumped into me,
up on Sunset.
- Strip?
- That's funny, so does she.
(audience laughing)
- So does she what?
- She's a tattooed stripper.
- A tattooed stripper?
Now why in the world would
a girl want to get tattooed
in the first place?
- Well I don't know
about the first place,
but let me tell you
about the second place.
(audience laughing)
- We haven't really got
time, it's time for the quickies.
- That's what I was
trying to tell you.
(slidewhistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
- Darling.
I can't give you an expensive
home like Norman Jewison can.
I can't buy you foreign car
like Norman Jewison can,
and I can't even
get you big yacht
like Norman Jewison would.
But I love you.
- Aww.
I love you too, dear.
But tell me more
about Norman Jewison.
(audience laughing)
(sad music)
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha!
What is this?
- Nothing.
- We're making love.
- Honey, who you gonna believe?
Me or this tramp I
got off the street?
(audience laughing)
- As the dancing maiden
told the aged Shah,
he who tries and tries again,
should best quit
when he's ahead.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha!
At last I know everything!
- Oh yeah, what's the
capital of South Dakota?
- Uh!
- Bout $1.98.
(audience laughing)
(bee buzzing)
(dramatic music)
(exploding)
- Mr. McQueen, I've
just completed the world's
first arm transplant.
There we are.
(audience laughing)
Well, Mr. McQueen,
look at it this way.
It's gonna make it a lot
easier to tie your shoes.
(audience laughing)
(screeching)
(upbeat music)
- I'm always dreaming about
baseball, baseball, baseball.
- Don't you ever
dream about girls?
- What, and miss my turn at bat?
(audience laughing)
- You know, Goldie,
I just can't stand
Roger's nasty
disposition any more.
He just makes me so
jittery I'm losing weight.
- Why don't you leave him, then?
- Are you kidding?
Not til I lose
another 10 pounds.
(audience laughing)
Then, watch out!
El Slimo strikes again!
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
What kind of man are you?
- Not bad.
- You see, you see, I told you!
And she's had
experience, she knows!
We just did quickies
Kicky little quickies
Kicky tricky quickie
Just like Dan and
Dickie said we would
If they made sickies
You're just too picky picky
Cause the quickies
are indubitably good
Hey (audience applauding)
- You show me a man wearing
a red, white, and blue suit,
with stars all over it.
And I'll show you the
victim of a hit and run flag.
(audience laughing)
- Show me a vaccination
against marijuana
and I'll show you a pot-shot.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Help!
- Down periscope!
- Down periscope!
- Down periscope!
(slidewhistle blowing)
(crashing)
- Tell me, how long have
you had this fear of food?
(audience laughing)
- I don't mind the stocks,
but wouldn't you know
this place would have ants?
- My baby just
said his first word.
- Oh, good what were they?
- Magoo, magoo.
(audience laughing)
- Hey got something very
interesting here, Dirk, uh, Dick.
- You're carving me out.
- Would I do that,
set you up, not me.
No, this is true.
It's the UPI Report that
says that the top Russian
television show is just like
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
- Well if CBS can steal,
why can't the Russians?
- Be that as it may, the
Russian version is called
13 Chairs, and it's set in a
fictitious Polish restaurant.
- Well now where else would
you set a Russian Laugh-In
but a fictitious
Polish restaurant?
- Indeed, says
here that in Russia,
their version of Laugh-In is
everybody's favorite TV show.
- Well I'd certainly
like to see that.
- Glad you said that,
cause we thought
a lot of people would.
So tonight, Laugh-In looks
at Laugh-In Russian style.
- Which takes place in a
fictitious Polish restaurant.
- Yes.
(chicken clucking)
(audience laughing)
(chicken clucking)
- And now, direct from a
fictitious Polish restaurant
somewhere in beautiful
downtown Moscow,
is USSRBC, socialistically
presenting 13 chairs,
a Polish dozen.
- Dick, you was late again.
- I was talking to my
invisible Uncle Vanya,
he was just coming
back from Siberia.
- You Ukrainian hol-yeky,
nobody come back from Siberia.
- I didn't know that.
(audience laughing)
I must have was
talking on myself.
- Shouldn't worry,
is now time for party.
- I already in party,
want see my car?
(audience laughing)
- Not that party, you
ying-yang, this party.
- Oh.
(Russian music)
- Production in my
sign factory is fantastic.
Every day we are
making 10,000 signs.
- I think that is fan-tastic!
Tell me, what do the signs say?
- Factory closed.
(audience laughing)
(Russian music)
- You want to come up my
place for some borscht and vodka?
- Ha ha ha, what
comes after that?
- He's coming after that?
Heartburn!
(audience laughing)
- That is fan-tastic.
(Russian music)
- Hey, hey.
- You know, Golski, I was
born in Minsk on Russian steps.
- Poor baby that
makes you a step child.
(audience laughing)
(Russian music)
(audience applauding)
(drumrolling)
- Hi!
(all cheering)
- There's Uncle Alovich,
the kid is malovich,
hello little kid, hello, hi!
So much for this ar, oh.
- Last night...
- I love you!
- I love you, too, Melissavich.
- [Melissavich] I think you're
fan-tastic Uncle Alovich.
- Isn't she good?
Put a Russian bear on her.
(audience laughing)
Listen kids, today we're
gonna play a new game
called Secret.
You get information on
your parents and you send it
to Uncle Alovich, and win
Mommy and Daddy a free trip
to Siberia.
Okay, this was Uncle Alovich,
the kid is malovich, hello...
(audience laughing)
(crashing)
(audience applauding)
- It's now standing by for
this important message.
(speaking foreign language)
- It is now time for giving
up a way from washing,
the makers of Jewish filling
fresh frozen sardine pot pie
now bring it to you
whole new product.
Turn card, please, Chuck.
(audience laughing)
Good, very good.
We got it here, new Etchme
complete home laundry.
No more carrying closet
down to river or hitting on racks.
Now just carry this
tub down to the river,
you filling it up with wasser,
and then you carrying it back
and you do your laundry
in comfort of old home.
And not forgetting at
Etchme, progress is our most
important problem.
(audience laughing)
(Russian music)
What's the news
across the nation
We got the information
In a way we hope will amuse
Yous
We just love to
give you our views
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (audience applauding)
- And now it's coming for
whom the news is not the news
without the news here's Dipsky.
(Russian music)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
- That's Dicksky.
Flashky.
After 52 years in business, the
Warsaw National Ice Company
closed for good today.
When their chief
scientist forgot the formula.
(audience laughing)
Now for news of future,
is taking it away, Golski
(bowling pins crashing)
- No news of the future.
- Why is no news of the future?
- Because is no future.
Shape up, boobalah.
(audience laughing)
- If Joseph Stalin had
married Nikita Khrushchev
Moscow would be
a much gayer city.
- Oh ha ha.
I think that is fan-tastic.
(laughing)
- I am (mumbling).
- Well it's coming time
to say goodnight, Dicksky.
- I'm thinking perhaps
you would like to hear about
my Uncle Vanya who was
trapped in Siberian salt mine
with entire Bolshoi Ballet.
- I'm wanting to hear about it.
But what is Bolshoi Ballet
doing in Siberian salt mine?
- A lot of this.
(Russian music)
- Cannock cannockus.
(laughing)
- Hans, what was there?
- Da-Cee.
- Da-Cee who?
- Da Secret Police (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Unsky, Unsky.
Why did chicken is
crossing the road?
- To defecting to
Poland but he'll be back.
(audience laughing)
- Is there another fan-tastic
chicken defector yoke?
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
Let's light it.
Goodnight German.
Thank you for watching.
By the way, who's
watching Brezhnev?
(audience laughing)
- This program was recorded
earlier to give the cast
plenty time to dig their
way under the wall.
Transcribe.
Oh!
(crashing)
- Balls-chevek.
- AM and FM.
- This is a heck of a way
to spend Mother's Day.
- Yeah, especially
if you're a big...
- Fan of mothers
throughout the world.
(audience laughing)
- This Mother's Day, be
sure to take a mother to lunch.
- But Mother's
Day isn't until May.
- Every day is
Mother's Day with me.
- You have just seen a
short salute to mothers.
- AC and DC.
(audience laughing)
- Now Uncle Sam
really wants you.
He also wants you
to see his show.
February 15th, on lovable NBC.
With the peacock (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- Uncle Sam wants you.
So do I (laughing).
- Now stay tuned
for this message.
- I love you Gus.
- See, silly, now
they won't stay tuned.
(audience laughing)
- They used to say on the
old Howdy Doody Show,
moving right along...
- Just hold it one second,
you know it's time for
my discovery of the week.
(slidewhistle blowing)
(morse code beeping)
(slidewhistle blowing)
Actually what I have,
ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to meet and greet.
- Meet and greet?
- For your enjoyment.
And amazement, Metrano!
- Metrano!
(audience applauding)
- Da da da da, da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
(audience laughing)
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
(shrieking)
(applauding)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
- Stay tuned to see Ferd
Berfel dance the Farkel.
- Hi.
(dialing)
(audience laughing)
- A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking,
Mr. William Fa-Buckley?
Oh I'm sorry.
There is a dot between
the F and the B.
Well, Mr. Buckley,
this is Ms. Tomlin
of the telephone company.
You owe us money, Mr. Buckley.
$15.11 to be precise.
Mr. Buckley, in
glancing through my files
I noticed that you
have one of our
unlisted telephone numbers.
Probably because you
desire privacy am I right?
Mr. Buckley, if you
do not remit $15.11,
let me tell you what the phone
company has in mind for you.
We are going to
send out into society
a very creepy little person.
Armed with your secret
phone number, a grease pencil,
and some short,
snappy, obscene phrases.
In no time at all, your secret
number will be appearing
in some mighty
peculiar establishments.
You're not gonna
get a minute's rest.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Buckley?
(audience laughing)
(dialing)
(crashing)
(playful music)
- It's Not the Same Without
Pelicans, by Henry Gibson.
(audience laughing)
It's not the same
without pelicans.
You know.
I mean dinosaurs, well
they're too big to miss.
And besides it
was their own fault.
But we all grew
up with pelicans.
I hope the ducks hold out.
(audience laughing)
- Goldie there's
something I simply must do
on behalf of
Englishmen everywhere.
- What's that?
- Will you watch closely?
- Uh huh.
- Right.
Well chaps, put that in
your brollies and file them.
Actually, darling, that's
all I came to America for.
- Me too.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Here once again,
the amazing Metrano.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, Doctor,
I seem to get angry
for no reason at all.
- Well don't worry about
it, I'm sure I can help you.
- Oh yeah?
(gun firing)
- Andy, tell me, what is
your TV show really like?
- Well, do you know what
good clean fun really is?
- No, what good is it?
(audience laughing)
- Hi friends, Sam Smoot here,
owner of Sam
Smoot's Useful Tupes,
the world's largest
used hair dealer.
Folks this week, we're
overstocked and we've got a deal.
We got a deal.
Right here, bring in your
present tupe, of any hair,
any hair you got lying around
the house, even if you had
a bankruptcy or repossession
of your present hair,
we can arrange terms, and
remember, every used tupe
Sam Smoot sells is
absolutely guaranteed
for 90 days or the
first three showers,
whichever comes first.
Take this little
beauty right here.
Worn only once by a
semi-bald older man
who didn't make it
through the honeymoon.
(audience laughing)
Stylish?
You bet it's stylish.
Original price $667.
Our price, $166.67,
but today only $16.07.
People ask me,
"How do you do it?"
My wife says I'm crazy.
Now, you better get in fast
here for this sporty model.
This one I wore
myself just last January
at the Rose Bowl, and
out of 100,000 people there,
not one noticed I
was wearing a tupe.
Again, the price, a
real grabber, folks.
Not the original
price of $1,455.
Or our regular price of $144.14,
but today only for smart
scopes for small skulls is $14.54.
You can put this under
your hat and walk away
a happy hairy man.
Or you can wear this
one, this little number,
you can wear it in a
pool or in a shower,
it's completely water repellent.
(audience laughing)
Completely water
repellent, you see,
it repels the water.
My wife says how do I do it?
I say, "I'm crazy."
That's what she said,
she said I'm crazy.
Now look at this one over
here ladies and gentlemen.
Look at this one, the gold
sticker special's advertised
in Better Heads and Gardens.
(audience laughing)
This one is called
Our Country Squire.
Suitable for older women
or strange young men.
Now remember this.
(audience laughing)
This one comes with
extra whitewall sideburns
or a convertible mustache.
(audience laughing)
All completely guaranteed
for the life of your head
and remember, folks, if
any hair falls out of this tupe,
your bring it right back and
Sam Smoot will get absolutely
free a box to keep it
in, because Sam Smoot
stands under
every tupe he sells.
And for the first 100
people who call in,
we're giving a
weekend in Las Vegas
and a 30 day supply of
dandruff, absolutely free.
The big flakes.
(audience laughing)
How do I do it?
How do I do it?
My wife says I'm crazy.
In fact, here she is herself.
Come in, honey.
(upbeat music)
- Crazy.
- Honey, cover up.
- Hey, how's your Aunt Minnie?
- Fine, how's yours?
- How's my what?
- How should I know,
I've never seen your what.
- Wait a minute,
let's start over.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
nice to see all of you again.
- I couldn't hold that, that
you could see all of me.
Why you got some
kind of X-ray camera?
(audience laughing)
- No, you ding dong, it's a
little idiom I use now and then.
- Well now I'll just
bet those little idioms
take great pictures.
I'd like about a
dozen 8x10 glossies.
(audience laughing)
I have no X-ray camera and
no one's able to see through,
through, through you.
- Well that's easy
for you to say.
That's not what Shirley
told me last night.
- Shirley?
I see Shirley has a
few idioms of her own.
- And all in the right places.
She's ship shape.
- Ship shape Shirley.
- Not only ship
shape, but shapely.
Let me tell you, when
shapelier shapes are shipped,
Shirley's shape shall sure
show no slip-shot shenanigans.
(audience laughing)
You want to see my flounder?
- I saw her.
(audience laughing).
Hey that reminds me.
It's time now for our
department, which features a little
something, which
features, pay attention.
- A little Farkel
never hurt anyone.
- Golden words.
It's time for that feature
which features a little something
for everyone.
We call it potpourri.
- I call that Lucinda.
- What's Lucinda?
- A little something
for everyone.
- Oh, well in that
case, here's Lucinda.
(audience laughing)
(hammering)
- Hey!
- Woah!
- I live next door.
That banging's driving me crazy.
- Oh really?
- Yes.
- Well this happens
to be my apartment, sir.
And I am going to bang
as loud as I want to.
(audience laughing)
- Oh yeah.
- [Jo Ann] Yeah.
- One more bang
and I'll clobber you.
(laughing)
(banging)
- There you go.
Sorry about that neighbor.
(drumroll)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
- Alright, Lafferty, is this
what I'm paying you for?
- Oh no sir, I'm
doing this for nothing.
(sirens sounding)
(audience laughing)
(keys jangling)
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- I'm home honey.
- Hi dear.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Chief Tibett,
head of the Stadium Police.
I just want you to know I've
been watching football games
in this stadium, I've been
watching em for 20 years.
And this afternoon,
you were sensational.
You're the greatest
football player of all time.
- Oh wow, thanks, Chief.
(audience laughing)
Oh gee, Chief, that's swell.
Right, Chief?
I guess you're just as
overwhelmed as I am.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my God.
- Oh for Heavens,
well look an accident!
- Quick, what's that
on, see what it says.
They usually say some
kind of instructions.
What does it say?
- I am a celebrity,
please call the press.
(rim shot)
- And that's our
Lucinda for this evening.
- Boy I sure have a smart cat.
(laughing)
- Wait a minute, what's
that got to do with anything?
- Well, it's a cat's
whole future is what.
- Cat's whole future?
- Well it's a smart cat,
I'm thinking, I'm thinking,
of sending that cat to
Harvard Law School.
- Well that's the most
stupid thing I ever heard.
How can you teach
a cat to be a lawyer?
- It's a lot easier than
teaching a lawyer to be a cat.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I think you're
onto something there.
- If Ella Fitzgerald
married Alan Funt,
she'd be an Ella-Funt.
(audience laughing)
- Goldie, when you drink
martinis, does your tongue burn?
- I don't know, I've never
been drunk enough to light it.
(audience laughing)
- Hello Tyrone.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
you all know our own beloved
Tyrone F. Horneigh.
(audience applauding)
- After years of
sustained solitude,
I confide that the growing
tenderness of my sentiment
toward Ms. Ormphby
obliges me to approach her
with a proposal of matrimony.
- What'd he say?
- Says he wants to marry Gladys.
- That's ridiculous.
Look at the
difference in the age!
And the sex!
Besides every time she
sees him, she belts him.
- That's right.
- Enough idle bandying, I
must have her for my very own.
Why without her, I'd be
nothing but a lonely old man.
My only quandary now is
to convince her to marry me.
- Well should be the
simplest thing in the world.
Just get her in a
casual conversation,
fathom her tendencies,
plum her psyche.
- Exactly!
Feel her out!
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Appeal to you?
(laughing)
- Well I'm winged
feet of zephyr's bliss.
I hasten to her power.
- Go ahead and hasten.
- Step aside.
(audience laughing)
- What did he say?
- He's going to go see Gladys.
- Oh.
(squeaking)
(upbeat disco music)
- Farkel!
- I won't, I won't.
- Oh yes he will, in
just a few moments.
(audience laughing)
- La, la, la.
Tweedle dum, tweedle
dee, the birdies in spring.
(slow orchestral music)
Madam, it is my
happy lot to tell you,
that I am about to
plum your psyche.
(audience laughing)
Allow me to amend
any misunderstanding.
I merely plan to
fathom your tendencies.
(audience laughing)
Apparently my purpose
is still misunderstood.
All I want to do
is feel you out.
(audience laughing)
(slow orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
- Tyrone, how did you make out?
Tyrone.
(groaning)
How did you make out?
- Gentlemen, I tell you.
That gorgeous
creature is insane for me.
I have now but to pop
the question and the lovely
Ms. Ormphby will be mine.
- Oh congratulations.
(audience laughing)
- Show me a trophy you give
a man for winning a yacht race,
and I'll show you a Sea-cup.
- That's a mighty big girl
you've got there, Mr. Magoo.
- Up periscope!
- Up periscope!
(slide-whistle blowing)
(crashing)
(splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Who forgot to
close the window?
(audience laughing)
- I have a real goody for you.
- Oh, male or female?
- Female.
- Oh, goody, tall or short?
- Short.
- Oh, goody,
willing or not willing?
- Very willing.
- Very goody, young or old?
- Young.
- Oh, goody goody,
pretty or beautiful?
- Oh lovely.
- Oh, goody goody
goody, where is she?
- Here.
- What happened?
- I lied. (audience laughing)
- Oh bye bye.
- Hold it.
- You hold it.
- I'll hold it.
- No you won't.
(audience laughing)
- Now hold it.
- Oh no you don't.
- Dick.
This lovely lady is our
new talent for the future.
- It's not that new.
- Dick, this is Little
Miss Agatha Grunt.
And she... - Eh?
- Ms. Agatha, right?
- That's me.
- And she needs your help.
- Oh no you don't.
- Oh yes I do.
- Hold this for me
will you, Sonny.
- Oh no you don't.
- Just gotta get
my bird out of here.
- What's in there?
- I'm gonna fill my bird.
(audience laughing)
Fill it with a little
bit of water, to you.
I've gotta set myself up here.
(audience laughing)
You holding it?
- I got it.
(blowing)
- Very dry bird.
(audience laughing)
- It does getcha.
(whistling)
- Works for me.
- Just beautiful.
(audience laughing)
- Now I'm just gonna
put this back in here.
And I'm gonna, will
you hold my bird?
- Oh I'll hold your bird,
I'd be more than happy to.
- Would you take my cape.
- Oh got the cape, excuse me.
- You're a fresh young man.
- No I didn't mean it.
(audience laughing)
I swear.
- It takes a lot of
money to have a locust.
(splashing)
- Da da da da da da da.
- Can you get in here
and get my hotel bell.
- Your hotel bell?
- I'm gonna reach in here
and get my finger cymbal.
- Finger cymbal too?
You are talented.
- You gotta make due, ya know.
If they won't come with you,
you might as well be killed
for a sheep as for a laugh.
(audience laughing)
I knew you knew about
jokes, you like jokes.
- I do, I'd like to
use that on Dan.
- What did you do with my bird?
- Oh I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
I have it.
I have it.
- Da da da da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da.
(crashing)
Da da da.
- Now this part is serious
because many many years
I've loved to sing.
And now's my big chance.
One night of love
(bell dinging)
(audience laughing)
Brings and one
(cowbell chiming)
Not let the birdie.
(bird whistling)
(honking)
(audience laughing)
(bird whistling)
(honking)
(cowbell chiming)
(bird whistling)
(audience applauding)
- Don't go away folks,
we'll be right back.
- Hello.
This is your little
Agatha Grunt.
- Hold it.
- You hold it.
- I'll hold it, where is it?
- While Dick and Agatha
hold it, we pause for this
thought-provoking Farkel.
- Hi!
- As we all recently
saw on television,
the Army's Selected
Service System has reverted
to choosing inductee's
names by lottery.
- The new draft
lottery works this way.
First, they put a bunch of
little capsules into a big bowl.
A man draws out one,
opens it up, and there's
a day of the year on it.
They write it down, and
that's the number one birthday
that guys who have
birthday on that day
will be called in first.
Then they draw until
they've drawn all the birthdays
of every day in the
year, including leap year,
even if it doesn't
come this year,
cause otherwise guys born
then would only be eligible
every four years which isn't
fair to the others, you know?
There's another bowl
that has all the letters
of the alphabet on them
and so, all these are drawn
and written down in
whatever order they are,
so when they don't need all
the guys from one birthday,
they take em on from
one of the other birthday
of the alphabet that was
drawn in un-alphabetical order.
Except after the first letter
of the last name, and that,
they keep taking guys until
they don't need anymore.
Then they don't.
And usually they'll
only take 19 year olds.
But this year it'll
be 19-26 year olds.
Cause otherwise, the older
guys would have been lucked out
cause they used to take
them all new opposite way first.
(audience laughing)
And all deferments still
apply except when you're done
deferring because when
you stop you're 19 for a year
no matter how old you
are, you understand?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(playful music)
- Hi, Sam Smoot here
for Smoot's Tupes.
My Tupe, by Sam Smoot.
If you feel like you're dead,
put some life on your head.
To cut down the glare,
Smoot's Tupes you should wear.
There.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
I Think They're Trying
to Tell Me Something,
by Henry Gibson.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
(dialing)
- Mr. Fa-Buckley?
Oh I'm sorry, Buckley.
This is your very
own Ms. Tomlin again.
Mr. Buckley let me advise you
that you are not
dealing with just anyone.
The phone company is a
prestigious organization.
Prestigious.
That's -tigious with
a pres-in front of it.
(audience laughing)
Mr. Buckley, we
are in a sisterhood
with the other utilities.
We can arrange to
leave you powerless.
Yes we can.
We can cut off your
gas, your electricity,
and we can cut off your water.
Mr. Buckley, Mr. Buckley,
nobody wants to have
his water cut off.
(audience laughing)
Now then, when may
we expect payment?
Very well, sir.
We will await your check.
Oh and Mr. Buckley,
Mr. Buckley, there's no reason
on Earth for you to feel
personally persecuted.
We may be the only
phone company in town,
but we sock it to everybody.
(snorting)
(audience laughing)
- Dive!
- Dive!
- Dive!
(horn blowing)
- What's a nice girl like
her doing in a dive like this?
- Shh, don't make him
mad, that's Lt. Schwartz.
(audience laughing)
- The new one that came on,
with this lipstick
and high heels.
- That's him.
- They're scraping the
bottom of the barrel.
- Oh you and your big ideas.
Let's steal some money
and get into stocks.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
- Ouch.
(playful music)
- Farkel.
- I will when I'm
good and ready.
(audience laughing)
- I'm ready to go, my Captain.
- Are you sure, Bush?
- Yes, my Captain.
- Do you have
your orders straight?
- Yes, my Captain.
78 cheeseburgers, 35
milkshakes, one cream soda,
and 500 pounds of sauerkraut.
- And one cheese danish.
- Make it two.
- You got it.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Rantsoff, first we're
going to have to get you
over the notion that
you're accident-prone.
(crashing)
(screaming)
(audience laughing)
- I don't really need this job.
With this beard, I can
always go out and sell
southern-friend chicken.
(audience laughing)
- You know, it's so
exciting, because you know,
there's not, there's
been more, I've been,
once I was in a producer
and he said that I looked,
you know can you see that
there's a cut, there's a vague,
some of a kind, do
you, not that it's because,
and I never absolutely
because when I want
when you had the Christmas,
and when you with all
your brothers and
everything and your wife,
I love Venezuela,
I think it's so terrific
because that's the kind
of voice and she sings
and she's very, Fran, and
that's right and whatever
and most and the thing
that I, the thing that I just,
would so because you're
doing against that great big heavy
the guy in Florida, the
one, he's enormous...
- Lisa.
- And he's "Goodnight
everybody,"
I just can't because it's
so and you have that big
that one that big, the bear
that comes and he stands...
- Well nobody has said
it exactly like that before.
- Absolutely because I
just I just I just, I never miss
your show,
Mr. Tormey, I think it's.
(audience laughing)
- What's a home
without children?
- Quiet.
(audience laughing)
- Here's today's definition.
A procrastinator is a
crastinator that plays for money.
- I can't get the car started.
I think it's flooded.
- Where's the car now?
- In the swimming pool.
- I think it's flooded.
(audience laughing)
- Time now for our
Laugh-In favorite.
A fox and a stork
became good friends.
The fox invited the
stork home for dinner.
And served soup in a flat bowl.
The stork with his long
bill, couldn't get any soup,
so he went home hungry.
To get even, the stork
invited the fox to a meal,
at which the soup was
served in a tall, thin vase.
The fox, with this short muzzle,
couldn't get any of the soup!
So he ate the stork.
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't you?
- The moment we've
all been waiting for!
(clapping)
- Oh, is Ferd gonna
do the Farkel now?
- I wouldn't miss a
flash of Ferd Farkel
for the all the
frankfurters in Phoenix.
(slidewhistle blowing)
- I feel Ferd can Farkel
forever, if it's tasteful.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I wish I could
Farkel like Ferd.
- Hold it, folks!
Ferd'll do his thing.
Here comes the
famous Farkel Fling!
We never though a dance
Could do so many things
Like curing gout and shingles
Or removing wedding rings
It's just a simple step
But more than that it's fun
Everyone get ready
when you hear the count of
One and a-two and
a-three and a-four
Get it
If your posture is poor
And you're feeling insecure
You should take a chance
and learn to dance the Farkel
Mr. Agnew they say
Tries the Farkel twice a day
Tiny Tim and Vicky
do a tricky Farkel
Hey It's a hop and a skip
And a dip and a spin
It's a glide it's a slide
It's a right to the chin
Sparkle Farkel tried it
and it cleared up her skin
Raquel Welch who was right
Freeformed Farkels day and night
So we best get ready
And get on the mark
Get set Do the
Farkel Do the Farkel
And the Farkel like a lark.
Hey
Steve McQueen thinks it's keen
Doris Day says hooray
Mr. Nixon when asked
said to Farkel's okay
One could Farkel daily
Keeps the burpels away
We can dance off our cares
Farkel foot and Ferd Astaires
Feet together friends
now wag your tail and bark
Let's go Do the
Farkel Do the Farkel
Do the Farkel Fancy Farkel
Do the Fark Fark
Fark Fark Farkel
Daylight to dark Hey
(upbeat playful music)
(audience applauding)
- Well how do you
like our kids, Frank?
- Fine, Fanny, the
Farkels were fabulous.
- And now, a word from Ferd.
- Fine lookin' family
you got there, Frank.
(audience laughing)
- I think I'll buy the
Farkel and have it bottled.
In all it's goodness.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat playful music)
- Do the Farkel.
(tapping)
Do the Farkel.
- You ready to say
goodnight there, lightfoot?
- Just as soon as I thank
the vast silent majority.
- Silent majority.
- Who quietly and
without saying so,
agree with me wholeheartedly
on the vital issues of the day.
- Hey that's just
keen but tell me,
he asked seeking enlightenment,
if people are so quiet
and they don't say so, how do
you know they agree with you
on anything?
- Well how do you
know they don't?
Gotcha!
(audience laughing)
- That's another
way to look at it.
- It's the only way I know.
- Well thanks
anyway, silent majority.
Just keep those
cards and letters.
(audience laughing)
- We get more than
we can read as it is.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Spiro.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- I have a dog
that's so nervous,
when you say attack, he has one.
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear about Tiny Tim?
The Army burned his draft card.
(audience laughing)
- Hey somebody told me, Goldie.
- Yeah I'm here.
- Oh I'm glad to hear that.
Somebody told me you
have hundreds of goldfish
in your bathtub, is that right?
What do you do
when you take a bath?
- I blindfold them.
(audience laughing)
- Daniel, what do you get
if you cross a cuckoo clock
with a frog?
- A cuckoo clock with a
frog, I don't know, what?
- A crazy bird who comes
out once and croaks.
(audience laughing)
- Jo Ann!
- Yes, Pam.
- Jo Ann, if you were
marooned on a desert island.
- Yes, Pam.
- What you take along to read?
- How about what would I
like to have most along to read?
- A half-tooth sailor.
(audience laughing)
- Pam?
- What?
- Have you ever had
your eyes checked?
- Oh, no, they've always
been just plain brown.
(audience laughing)
- There's a new dial-up
prayer for Atheists.
You call a number
and nobody answers.
(audience laughing)
- Dick?
- Yeah, babe.
- Do you realize that
the number of people
born in America every
single day would fill
three baseball stadiums?
- Hmm.
- Do you know what that means?
- Sure do, it means
we better build
some more baseball stadiums.
(audience laughing)
- No it means we have
a new national sport.
- Hike!
- Ill drink to that!
- My friend had his singed
eyebrows transplanted
using hair from a dog.
- [Dan] No kidding!
- No, I'm not kidding.
(audience laughing)
Now every time he
passes a fire hydrant,
he looks very surprised.
(audience laughing)
Think about it.
- Can anyone tell me
what's the best way
to avoid a hangover?
- You stay drunk, darling.
(audience laughing)
- My sister just found out
what social security means.
Yesterday she married her boss.
(audience laughing)
- Kate Smith has a very
large repertoire and some
of her dresses make
it look even worse.
(audience laughing)
- Carl Reiner!
- What, what, what!
- What do you think is going
to be man's goal in the 70s?
- To make it to the 1980s.
- Catch!
(rumbling)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(playful music)
- Fire one!
- You're fired!
- Fire two!
- You're fired!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Scarlett.
Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
Alright now, how many
times have I told you?
How many times?
How many times?
- That's three so far.
(kissing)
- You know I noticed
one thing about high tea
at Berkley.
Nobody boils any water.
(audience laughing)
- The preceding show
was prerecorded earlier
by a group of young
senior citizens.
It is being shown now as proof
that you shouldn't
trust anyone over 30.
Do the Farkel Do the Farkel
Do the Fark Fark
Fark Fark Farkel
Daylight til dark
- Very interesting.
And for a change very truthful.
Those dumb cups finally
admitted they are nothing
but a fish-titious fan-tansy
from Ferd's magimination.
(audience laughing)
- I knew a little Fraulein
friend of Ferd's once,
she was a cute little Farkel.
- Bush, you're way off base.
- But I'm not Bush.
Bush is that pruddy
Lieutenant who walks funny.
- That was Bush?
- That was Bush.
(laughing)
- Neville, on second thought,
I'm going to little Peter room.
Coming, Lt. Bush.
(audience laughing)
- That's the funniest
looking sailor I ever saw.
On dry land he's a knucklehead.
(audience laughing)
But Lucy as always, like
for the last 17,000 programs,
you're the Captain of
the ship for my dreams.
And as for you Gary, like
torpedo tube number one,
you're fired (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey!
(upbeat playful music)
(drumming)
(clapping)
(door creaking)
(dinging)
(clapping)
(chiming)
program is brought you
in living color on NBC.
- You say you want
a divorce now, huh?
Then why did we
have these 20 kids?
- I was hoping I could
lose you in the crowd.
(audience laughing)
- Now stay tuned for this
most important message.
- I'm Uncle Sam to
200 million Americans.
I sure wish my brother
would slow down.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] You already told em,
now they won't stay tuned!
(audience laughing)
- I'm Greer Garson.
I made several pictures
with Walter Pigeon.
One like this.
(drumroll)
And one like this.
(drumroll)
- You know Mister Backus,
I've always looked up to you
as an actor.
- Because you
admire my versatility?
- No because I'm
shorter than you are.
(audience laughing)
(tap shoes tapping)
- Hey, wasn't that Gene Kelly?
He must be here to introduce
that new dance craze,
the Farkel.
- Oh no, Ferd Berfel's
gonna do the Farkel.
- Kelly's a keen kicker,
but Ferd's a far
fancier Farkelr.
(laughing)
- I love your show
Andy, but I gotta tell you,
I sure miss Amos.
(audience laughing)
You gotta get some sunblock.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat square dance music)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(upbeat square dance music)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(detonator exploding)
(audience laughing)
(wood breaking)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(upbeat square dance music)
(audience laughing)
(piano keys clamoring)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Municipal Courthouse
and topless bowling alley,
NBC strips its
gears and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Burbank's
own first family,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Carl Reiner.
And Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Alan Suze.
And Burbank's own
cig-alert Jo Ann Worley.
(buzzing)
Also huddling for warmth
are Teresa Graves.
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy
Lloyd, and Lily Tomlin.
And me, I'm Gary Owens.
Bringing you this
important mess... age.
Oh, message.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat playful music)
- Hiya neighbor, whatcha doin?
- Oh I can't find
my Right Guard.
(laughing)
- Oh that's too bad,
cause I got mine.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat playful music)
- Farkel.
- Farkel.
(sniffing)
(blowing)
- Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha.
- Awhile back, Mel Brooks
and I did the 2,00 Year Old Man.
Now here I am on Laugh-In,
doing 2,000 year old jokes.
(audience laughing)
And speaking of old jokes,
here's Burbank's
own Myrt and Marge,
Dan Rowan and the
lovely Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
- Good evening, Richard.
- Well it's funny
you should ask,
I've been having trouble
with my toaster, too.
- I heard that, what
seems to be the problem.
- Well you see, the
toast wouldn't pop up,
so I gave it a good kick.
And at the same
time, I rang a little bell,
and the toast popped right up.
- Sounds familiar.
- Well it went on for weeks.
A good kick and a little bell,
and the toast pops right up.
- Very familiar.
- Now I don't have to
kick my toaster any more.
All I do is ring the bell
and up pops the toast.
- Yeah, Pavlov
did that with dogs.
- Oh you kick a dog
and the toast pops up?
- No!
(audience laughing)
- You kick the toast
and the dog pops up?
- No, no, no.
- You kick Pavlov
and the toast pops up?
- It's Pavlov and nothing
pops up, you doo-doo.
- Well what do you
kick and what pops up?
- I kick you and
the party pops up.
(upbeat disco music)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat disco music)
- I gotta friend who couldn't
wait to get out of the army
because he had to share
everything and live 40 in a room.
Now he's joined a hippie
commune and he loves it.
They live 40 in a room
and he shares everything.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- The girls and I feel
so terrible when we see
all those unfortunate people
in the poor part of town.
So we've tastefully decided
to do something about it.
From now on, we're
not going to drive through
the poor part of town.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Jeremy, I wanted to ask you,
I understand that John
Lennon sent back that medal
they gave him, the Member
of the British Empire, was it?
Because England supports
the United States in the war
in Vietnam, is that right?
- That's right, Dan.
And I suppose since England
also supported America
against Japan he'll be
sending back Yoko Ono.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- On my date last
night, I wore a wig,
contact lenses, false
fingernails, fake eyelashes,
and a lot of padding.
My boyfriend just
loved me to pieces.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I understand the Vatican has
added an 11th Commandment.
Thou shalt not pill.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I just found out why my
new car's called a fastback.
Only got it a week ago
and already the factory
wants it back.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I keep forgetting
to put on my gloves.
Teresa said to me, she said
I oughtta tie a string
around my finger.
But you know,
Teresa's really dumb
because the gloves
are much warmer.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Settle down.
How'd you like to come
up to my apartment?
- You sure you won't
try anything fresh?
- Nope, same old thing.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I don't know why my
son-in-law is so angry with me.
All I did was introduce
him to the girls at the club
as my daughter's first husband.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Rowan, this time I
got the rickle for you.
- You got what?
- A rickle.
- A riddle?
- A riddle that's right.
What is it has
blue team in office,
three polo-hoi-its-es,
and one hol-yeky?
- And one hol-yeky?
I don't know, what?
- A flying habolesky that
gives you a (mumbling)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Our old friend, Treasury
Secretary Kennedy,
said that the recent rise in
unemployment is acceptable.
That's easy for him
to say, he's got a job.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Well, Boris and I went to
a seance again last night.
And we made definite contact.
In fact we didn't lose
contact until about six hours
after the seance was over.
(laughing) We did a lot of
hugging all over our bones.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Toy manufacturers are
coming out with a brand new line
of black dolls.
They're calling them,
"Some of Ken and
Barbie's Best Friends."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
(audience applauding)
- Well buddy it's
time for the quickies.
- Speaking of old buddies,
you know I met one
in Hollywood last night.
- You bumped into an old friend?
- No as a matter of fact
she bumped into me,
up on Sunset.
- Strip?
- That's funny, so does she.
(audience laughing)
- So does she what?
- She's a tattooed stripper.
- A tattooed stripper?
Now why in the world would
a girl want to get tattooed
in the first place?
- Well I don't know
about the first place,
but let me tell you
about the second place.
(audience laughing)
- We haven't really got
time, it's time for the quickies.
- That's what I was
trying to tell you.
(slidewhistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
- Darling.
I can't give you an expensive
home like Norman Jewison can.
I can't buy you foreign car
like Norman Jewison can,
and I can't even
get you big yacht
like Norman Jewison would.
But I love you.
- Aww.
I love you too, dear.
But tell me more
about Norman Jewison.
(audience laughing)
(sad music)
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha!
What is this?
- Nothing.
- We're making love.
- Honey, who you gonna believe?
Me or this tramp I
got off the street?
(audience laughing)
- As the dancing maiden
told the aged Shah,
he who tries and tries again,
should best quit
when he's ahead.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha!
At last I know everything!
- Oh yeah, what's the
capital of South Dakota?
- Uh!
- Bout $1.98.
(audience laughing)
(bee buzzing)
(dramatic music)
(exploding)
- Mr. McQueen, I've
just completed the world's
first arm transplant.
There we are.
(audience laughing)
Well, Mr. McQueen,
look at it this way.
It's gonna make it a lot
easier to tie your shoes.
(audience laughing)
(screeching)
(upbeat music)
- I'm always dreaming about
baseball, baseball, baseball.
- Don't you ever
dream about girls?
- What, and miss my turn at bat?
(audience laughing)
- You know, Goldie,
I just can't stand
Roger's nasty
disposition any more.
He just makes me so
jittery I'm losing weight.
- Why don't you leave him, then?
- Are you kidding?
Not til I lose
another 10 pounds.
(audience laughing)
Then, watch out!
El Slimo strikes again!
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
What kind of man are you?
- Not bad.
- You see, you see, I told you!
And she's had
experience, she knows!
We just did quickies
Kicky little quickies
Kicky tricky quickie
Just like Dan and
Dickie said we would
If they made sickies
You're just too picky picky
Cause the quickies
are indubitably good
Hey (audience applauding)
- You show me a man wearing
a red, white, and blue suit,
with stars all over it.
And I'll show you the
victim of a hit and run flag.
(audience laughing)
- Show me a vaccination
against marijuana
and I'll show you a pot-shot.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Help!
- Down periscope!
- Down periscope!
- Down periscope!
(slidewhistle blowing)
(crashing)
- Tell me, how long have
you had this fear of food?
(audience laughing)
- I don't mind the stocks,
but wouldn't you know
this place would have ants?
- My baby just
said his first word.
- Oh, good what were they?
- Magoo, magoo.
(audience laughing)
- Hey got something very
interesting here, Dirk, uh, Dick.
- You're carving me out.
- Would I do that,
set you up, not me.
No, this is true.
It's the UPI Report that
says that the top Russian
television show is just like
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
- Well if CBS can steal,
why can't the Russians?
- Be that as it may, the
Russian version is called
13 Chairs, and it's set in a
fictitious Polish restaurant.
- Well now where else would
you set a Russian Laugh-In
but a fictitious
Polish restaurant?
- Indeed, says
here that in Russia,
their version of Laugh-In is
everybody's favorite TV show.
- Well I'd certainly
like to see that.
- Glad you said that,
cause we thought
a lot of people would.
So tonight, Laugh-In looks
at Laugh-In Russian style.
- Which takes place in a
fictitious Polish restaurant.
- Yes.
(chicken clucking)
(audience laughing)
(chicken clucking)
- And now, direct from a
fictitious Polish restaurant
somewhere in beautiful
downtown Moscow,
is USSRBC, socialistically
presenting 13 chairs,
a Polish dozen.
- Dick, you was late again.
- I was talking to my
invisible Uncle Vanya,
he was just coming
back from Siberia.
- You Ukrainian hol-yeky,
nobody come back from Siberia.
- I didn't know that.
(audience laughing)
I must have was
talking on myself.
- Shouldn't worry,
is now time for party.
- I already in party,
want see my car?
(audience laughing)
- Not that party, you
ying-yang, this party.
- Oh.
(Russian music)
- Production in my
sign factory is fantastic.
Every day we are
making 10,000 signs.
- I think that is fan-tastic!
Tell me, what do the signs say?
- Factory closed.
(audience laughing)
(Russian music)
- You want to come up my
place for some borscht and vodka?
- Ha ha ha, what
comes after that?
- He's coming after that?
Heartburn!
(audience laughing)
- That is fan-tastic.
(Russian music)
- Hey, hey.
- You know, Golski, I was
born in Minsk on Russian steps.
- Poor baby that
makes you a step child.
(audience laughing)
(Russian music)
(audience applauding)
(drumrolling)
- Hi!
(all cheering)
- There's Uncle Alovich,
the kid is malovich,
hello little kid, hello, hi!
So much for this ar, oh.
- Last night...
- I love you!
- I love you, too, Melissavich.
- [Melissavich] I think you're
fan-tastic Uncle Alovich.
- Isn't she good?
Put a Russian bear on her.
(audience laughing)
Listen kids, today we're
gonna play a new game
called Secret.
You get information on
your parents and you send it
to Uncle Alovich, and win
Mommy and Daddy a free trip
to Siberia.
Okay, this was Uncle Alovich,
the kid is malovich, hello...
(audience laughing)
(crashing)
(audience applauding)
- It's now standing by for
this important message.
(speaking foreign language)
- It is now time for giving
up a way from washing,
the makers of Jewish filling
fresh frozen sardine pot pie
now bring it to you
whole new product.
Turn card, please, Chuck.
(audience laughing)
Good, very good.
We got it here, new Etchme
complete home laundry.
No more carrying closet
down to river or hitting on racks.
Now just carry this
tub down to the river,
you filling it up with wasser,
and then you carrying it back
and you do your laundry
in comfort of old home.
And not forgetting at
Etchme, progress is our most
important problem.
(audience laughing)
(Russian music)
What's the news
across the nation
We got the information
In a way we hope will amuse
Yous
We just love to
give you our views
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (audience applauding)
- And now it's coming for
whom the news is not the news
without the news here's Dipsky.
(Russian music)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
- That's Dicksky.
Flashky.
After 52 years in business, the
Warsaw National Ice Company
closed for good today.
When their chief
scientist forgot the formula.
(audience laughing)
Now for news of future,
is taking it away, Golski
(bowling pins crashing)
- No news of the future.
- Why is no news of the future?
- Because is no future.
Shape up, boobalah.
(audience laughing)
- If Joseph Stalin had
married Nikita Khrushchev
Moscow would be
a much gayer city.
- Oh ha ha.
I think that is fan-tastic.
(laughing)
- I am (mumbling).
- Well it's coming time
to say goodnight, Dicksky.
- I'm thinking perhaps
you would like to hear about
my Uncle Vanya who was
trapped in Siberian salt mine
with entire Bolshoi Ballet.
- I'm wanting to hear about it.
But what is Bolshoi Ballet
doing in Siberian salt mine?
- A lot of this.
(Russian music)
- Cannock cannockus.
(laughing)
- Hans, what was there?
- Da-Cee.
- Da-Cee who?
- Da Secret Police (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Unsky, Unsky.
Why did chicken is
crossing the road?
- To defecting to
Poland but he'll be back.
(audience laughing)
- Is there another fan-tastic
chicken defector yoke?
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
Let's light it.
Goodnight German.
Thank you for watching.
By the way, who's
watching Brezhnev?
(audience laughing)
- This program was recorded
earlier to give the cast
plenty time to dig their
way under the wall.
Transcribe.
Oh!
(crashing)
- Balls-chevek.
- AM and FM.
- This is a heck of a way
to spend Mother's Day.
- Yeah, especially
if you're a big...
- Fan of mothers
throughout the world.
(audience laughing)
- This Mother's Day, be
sure to take a mother to lunch.
- But Mother's
Day isn't until May.
- Every day is
Mother's Day with me.
- You have just seen a
short salute to mothers.
- AC and DC.
(audience laughing)
- Now Uncle Sam
really wants you.
He also wants you
to see his show.
February 15th, on lovable NBC.
With the peacock (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- Uncle Sam wants you.
So do I (laughing).
- Now stay tuned
for this message.
- I love you Gus.
- See, silly, now
they won't stay tuned.
(audience laughing)
- They used to say on the
old Howdy Doody Show,
moving right along...
- Just hold it one second,
you know it's time for
my discovery of the week.
(slidewhistle blowing)
(morse code beeping)
(slidewhistle blowing)
Actually what I have,
ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to meet and greet.
- Meet and greet?
- For your enjoyment.
And amazement, Metrano!
- Metrano!
(audience applauding)
- Da da da da, da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
(audience laughing)
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
(shrieking)
(applauding)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
- Stay tuned to see Ferd
Berfel dance the Farkel.
- Hi.
(dialing)
(audience laughing)
- A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking,
Mr. William Fa-Buckley?
Oh I'm sorry.
There is a dot between
the F and the B.
Well, Mr. Buckley,
this is Ms. Tomlin
of the telephone company.
You owe us money, Mr. Buckley.
$15.11 to be precise.
Mr. Buckley, in
glancing through my files
I noticed that you
have one of our
unlisted telephone numbers.
Probably because you
desire privacy am I right?
Mr. Buckley, if you
do not remit $15.11,
let me tell you what the phone
company has in mind for you.
We are going to
send out into society
a very creepy little person.
Armed with your secret
phone number, a grease pencil,
and some short,
snappy, obscene phrases.
In no time at all, your secret
number will be appearing
in some mighty
peculiar establishments.
You're not gonna
get a minute's rest.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Buckley?
(audience laughing)
(dialing)
(crashing)
(playful music)
- It's Not the Same Without
Pelicans, by Henry Gibson.
(audience laughing)
It's not the same
without pelicans.
You know.
I mean dinosaurs, well
they're too big to miss.
And besides it
was their own fault.
But we all grew
up with pelicans.
I hope the ducks hold out.
(audience laughing)
- Goldie there's
something I simply must do
on behalf of
Englishmen everywhere.
- What's that?
- Will you watch closely?
- Uh huh.
- Right.
Well chaps, put that in
your brollies and file them.
Actually, darling, that's
all I came to America for.
- Me too.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Here once again,
the amazing Metrano.
Da da da da-da da da da.
Da da da da-da da da da.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know, Doctor,
I seem to get angry
for no reason at all.
- Well don't worry about
it, I'm sure I can help you.
- Oh yeah?
(gun firing)
- Andy, tell me, what is
your TV show really like?
- Well, do you know what
good clean fun really is?
- No, what good is it?
(audience laughing)
- Hi friends, Sam Smoot here,
owner of Sam
Smoot's Useful Tupes,
the world's largest
used hair dealer.
Folks this week, we're
overstocked and we've got a deal.
We got a deal.
Right here, bring in your
present tupe, of any hair,
any hair you got lying around
the house, even if you had
a bankruptcy or repossession
of your present hair,
we can arrange terms, and
remember, every used tupe
Sam Smoot sells is
absolutely guaranteed
for 90 days or the
first three showers,
whichever comes first.
Take this little
beauty right here.
Worn only once by a
semi-bald older man
who didn't make it
through the honeymoon.
(audience laughing)
Stylish?
You bet it's stylish.
Original price $667.
Our price, $166.67,
but today only $16.07.
People ask me,
"How do you do it?"
My wife says I'm crazy.
Now, you better get in fast
here for this sporty model.
This one I wore
myself just last January
at the Rose Bowl, and
out of 100,000 people there,
not one noticed I
was wearing a tupe.
Again, the price, a
real grabber, folks.
Not the original
price of $1,455.
Or our regular price of $144.14,
but today only for smart
scopes for small skulls is $14.54.
You can put this under
your hat and walk away
a happy hairy man.
Or you can wear this
one, this little number,
you can wear it in a
pool or in a shower,
it's completely water repellent.
(audience laughing)
Completely water
repellent, you see,
it repels the water.
My wife says how do I do it?
I say, "I'm crazy."
That's what she said,
she said I'm crazy.
Now look at this one over
here ladies and gentlemen.
Look at this one, the gold
sticker special's advertised
in Better Heads and Gardens.
(audience laughing)
This one is called
Our Country Squire.
Suitable for older women
or strange young men.
Now remember this.
(audience laughing)
This one comes with
extra whitewall sideburns
or a convertible mustache.
(audience laughing)
All completely guaranteed
for the life of your head
and remember, folks, if
any hair falls out of this tupe,
your bring it right back and
Sam Smoot will get absolutely
free a box to keep it
in, because Sam Smoot
stands under
every tupe he sells.
And for the first 100
people who call in,
we're giving a
weekend in Las Vegas
and a 30 day supply of
dandruff, absolutely free.
The big flakes.
(audience laughing)
How do I do it?
How do I do it?
My wife says I'm crazy.
In fact, here she is herself.
Come in, honey.
(upbeat music)
- Crazy.
- Honey, cover up.
- Hey, how's your Aunt Minnie?
- Fine, how's yours?
- How's my what?
- How should I know,
I've never seen your what.
- Wait a minute,
let's start over.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
nice to see all of you again.
- I couldn't hold that, that
you could see all of me.
Why you got some
kind of X-ray camera?
(audience laughing)
- No, you ding dong, it's a
little idiom I use now and then.
- Well now I'll just
bet those little idioms
take great pictures.
I'd like about a
dozen 8x10 glossies.
(audience laughing)
I have no X-ray camera and
no one's able to see through,
through, through you.
- Well that's easy
for you to say.
That's not what Shirley
told me last night.
- Shirley?
I see Shirley has a
few idioms of her own.
- And all in the right places.
She's ship shape.
- Ship shape Shirley.
- Not only ship
shape, but shapely.
Let me tell you, when
shapelier shapes are shipped,
Shirley's shape shall sure
show no slip-shot shenanigans.
(audience laughing)
You want to see my flounder?
- I saw her.
(audience laughing).
Hey that reminds me.
It's time now for our
department, which features a little
something, which
features, pay attention.
- A little Farkel
never hurt anyone.
- Golden words.
It's time for that feature
which features a little something
for everyone.
We call it potpourri.
- I call that Lucinda.
- What's Lucinda?
- A little something
for everyone.
- Oh, well in that
case, here's Lucinda.
(audience laughing)
(hammering)
- Hey!
- Woah!
- I live next door.
That banging's driving me crazy.
- Oh really?
- Yes.
- Well this happens
to be my apartment, sir.
And I am going to bang
as loud as I want to.
(audience laughing)
- Oh yeah.
- [Jo Ann] Yeah.
- One more bang
and I'll clobber you.
(laughing)
(banging)
- There you go.
Sorry about that neighbor.
(drumroll)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
- Alright, Lafferty, is this
what I'm paying you for?
- Oh no sir, I'm
doing this for nothing.
(sirens sounding)
(audience laughing)
(keys jangling)
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- I'm home honey.
- Hi dear.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Chief Tibett,
head of the Stadium Police.
I just want you to know I've
been watching football games
in this stadium, I've been
watching em for 20 years.
And this afternoon,
you were sensational.
You're the greatest
football player of all time.
- Oh wow, thanks, Chief.
(audience laughing)
Oh gee, Chief, that's swell.
Right, Chief?
I guess you're just as
overwhelmed as I am.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my God.
- Oh for Heavens,
well look an accident!
- Quick, what's that
on, see what it says.
They usually say some
kind of instructions.
What does it say?
- I am a celebrity,
please call the press.
(rim shot)
- And that's our
Lucinda for this evening.
- Boy I sure have a smart cat.
(laughing)
- Wait a minute, what's
that got to do with anything?
- Well, it's a cat's
whole future is what.
- Cat's whole future?
- Well it's a smart cat,
I'm thinking, I'm thinking,
of sending that cat to
Harvard Law School.
- Well that's the most
stupid thing I ever heard.
How can you teach
a cat to be a lawyer?
- It's a lot easier than
teaching a lawyer to be a cat.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I think you're
onto something there.
- If Ella Fitzgerald
married Alan Funt,
she'd be an Ella-Funt.
(audience laughing)
- Goldie, when you drink
martinis, does your tongue burn?
- I don't know, I've never
been drunk enough to light it.
(audience laughing)
- Hello Tyrone.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
you all know our own beloved
Tyrone F. Horneigh.
(audience applauding)
- After years of
sustained solitude,
I confide that the growing
tenderness of my sentiment
toward Ms. Ormphby
obliges me to approach her
with a proposal of matrimony.
- What'd he say?
- Says he wants to marry Gladys.
- That's ridiculous.
Look at the
difference in the age!
And the sex!
Besides every time she
sees him, she belts him.
- That's right.
- Enough idle bandying, I
must have her for my very own.
Why without her, I'd be
nothing but a lonely old man.
My only quandary now is
to convince her to marry me.
- Well should be the
simplest thing in the world.
Just get her in a
casual conversation,
fathom her tendencies,
plum her psyche.
- Exactly!
Feel her out!
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Appeal to you?
(laughing)
- Well I'm winged
feet of zephyr's bliss.
I hasten to her power.
- Go ahead and hasten.
- Step aside.
(audience laughing)
- What did he say?
- He's going to go see Gladys.
- Oh.
(squeaking)
(upbeat disco music)
- Farkel!
- I won't, I won't.
- Oh yes he will, in
just a few moments.
(audience laughing)
- La, la, la.
Tweedle dum, tweedle
dee, the birdies in spring.
(slow orchestral music)
Madam, it is my
happy lot to tell you,
that I am about to
plum your psyche.
(audience laughing)
Allow me to amend
any misunderstanding.
I merely plan to
fathom your tendencies.
(audience laughing)
Apparently my purpose
is still misunderstood.
All I want to do
is feel you out.
(audience laughing)
(slow orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
- Tyrone, how did you make out?
Tyrone.
(groaning)
How did you make out?
- Gentlemen, I tell you.
That gorgeous
creature is insane for me.
I have now but to pop
the question and the lovely
Ms. Ormphby will be mine.
- Oh congratulations.
(audience laughing)
- Show me a trophy you give
a man for winning a yacht race,
and I'll show you a Sea-cup.
- That's a mighty big girl
you've got there, Mr. Magoo.
- Up periscope!
- Up periscope!
(slide-whistle blowing)
(crashing)
(splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Who forgot to
close the window?
(audience laughing)
- I have a real goody for you.
- Oh, male or female?
- Female.
- Oh, goody, tall or short?
- Short.
- Oh, goody,
willing or not willing?
- Very willing.
- Very goody, young or old?
- Young.
- Oh, goody goody,
pretty or beautiful?
- Oh lovely.
- Oh, goody goody
goody, where is she?
- Here.
- What happened?
- I lied. (audience laughing)
- Oh bye bye.
- Hold it.
- You hold it.
- I'll hold it.
- No you won't.
(audience laughing)
- Now hold it.
- Oh no you don't.
- Dick.
This lovely lady is our
new talent for the future.
- It's not that new.
- Dick, this is Little
Miss Agatha Grunt.
And she... - Eh?
- Ms. Agatha, right?
- That's me.
- And she needs your help.
- Oh no you don't.
- Oh yes I do.
- Hold this for me
will you, Sonny.
- Oh no you don't.
- Just gotta get
my bird out of here.
- What's in there?
- I'm gonna fill my bird.
(audience laughing)
Fill it with a little
bit of water, to you.
I've gotta set myself up here.
(audience laughing)
You holding it?
- I got it.
(blowing)
- Very dry bird.
(audience laughing)
- It does getcha.
(whistling)
- Works for me.
- Just beautiful.
(audience laughing)
- Now I'm just gonna
put this back in here.
And I'm gonna, will
you hold my bird?
- Oh I'll hold your bird,
I'd be more than happy to.
- Would you take my cape.
- Oh got the cape, excuse me.
- You're a fresh young man.
- No I didn't mean it.
(audience laughing)
I swear.
- It takes a lot of
money to have a locust.
(splashing)
- Da da da da da da da.
- Can you get in here
and get my hotel bell.
- Your hotel bell?
- I'm gonna reach in here
and get my finger cymbal.
- Finger cymbal too?
You are talented.
- You gotta make due, ya know.
If they won't come with you,
you might as well be killed
for a sheep as for a laugh.
(audience laughing)
I knew you knew about
jokes, you like jokes.
- I do, I'd like to
use that on Dan.
- What did you do with my bird?
- Oh I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
I have it.
I have it.
- Da da da da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da.
(crashing)
Da da da.
- Now this part is serious
because many many years
I've loved to sing.
And now's my big chance.
One night of love
(bell dinging)
(audience laughing)
Brings and one
(cowbell chiming)
Not let the birdie.
(bird whistling)
(honking)
(audience laughing)
(bird whistling)
(honking)
(cowbell chiming)
(bird whistling)
(audience applauding)
- Don't go away folks,
we'll be right back.
- Hello.
This is your little
Agatha Grunt.
- Hold it.
- You hold it.
- I'll hold it, where is it?
- While Dick and Agatha
hold it, we pause for this
thought-provoking Farkel.
- Hi!
- As we all recently
saw on television,
the Army's Selected
Service System has reverted
to choosing inductee's
names by lottery.
- The new draft
lottery works this way.
First, they put a bunch of
little capsules into a big bowl.
A man draws out one,
opens it up, and there's
a day of the year on it.
They write it down, and
that's the number one birthday
that guys who have
birthday on that day
will be called in first.
Then they draw until
they've drawn all the birthdays
of every day in the
year, including leap year,
even if it doesn't
come this year,
cause otherwise guys born
then would only be eligible
every four years which isn't
fair to the others, you know?
There's another bowl
that has all the letters
of the alphabet on them
and so, all these are drawn
and written down in
whatever order they are,
so when they don't need all
the guys from one birthday,
they take em on from
one of the other birthday
of the alphabet that was
drawn in un-alphabetical order.
Except after the first letter
of the last name, and that,
they keep taking guys until
they don't need anymore.
Then they don't.
And usually they'll
only take 19 year olds.
But this year it'll
be 19-26 year olds.
Cause otherwise, the older
guys would have been lucked out
cause they used to take
them all new opposite way first.
(audience laughing)
And all deferments still
apply except when you're done
deferring because when
you stop you're 19 for a year
no matter how old you
are, you understand?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(playful music)
- Hi, Sam Smoot here
for Smoot's Tupes.
My Tupe, by Sam Smoot.
If you feel like you're dead,
put some life on your head.
To cut down the glare,
Smoot's Tupes you should wear.
There.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
I Think They're Trying
to Tell Me Something,
by Henry Gibson.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
(dialing)
- Mr. Fa-Buckley?
Oh I'm sorry, Buckley.
This is your very
own Ms. Tomlin again.
Mr. Buckley let me advise you
that you are not
dealing with just anyone.
The phone company is a
prestigious organization.
Prestigious.
That's -tigious with
a pres-in front of it.
(audience laughing)
Mr. Buckley, we
are in a sisterhood
with the other utilities.
We can arrange to
leave you powerless.
Yes we can.
We can cut off your
gas, your electricity,
and we can cut off your water.
Mr. Buckley, Mr. Buckley,
nobody wants to have
his water cut off.
(audience laughing)
Now then, when may
we expect payment?
Very well, sir.
We will await your check.
Oh and Mr. Buckley,
Mr. Buckley, there's no reason
on Earth for you to feel
personally persecuted.
We may be the only
phone company in town,
but we sock it to everybody.
(snorting)
(audience laughing)
- Dive!
- Dive!
- Dive!
(horn blowing)
- What's a nice girl like
her doing in a dive like this?
- Shh, don't make him
mad, that's Lt. Schwartz.
(audience laughing)
- The new one that came on,
with this lipstick
and high heels.
- That's him.
- They're scraping the
bottom of the barrel.
- Oh you and your big ideas.
Let's steal some money
and get into stocks.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
- Ouch.
(playful music)
- Farkel.
- I will when I'm
good and ready.
(audience laughing)
- I'm ready to go, my Captain.
- Are you sure, Bush?
- Yes, my Captain.
- Do you have
your orders straight?
- Yes, my Captain.
78 cheeseburgers, 35
milkshakes, one cream soda,
and 500 pounds of sauerkraut.
- And one cheese danish.
- Make it two.
- You got it.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Rantsoff, first we're
going to have to get you
over the notion that
you're accident-prone.
(crashing)
(screaming)
(audience laughing)
- I don't really need this job.
With this beard, I can
always go out and sell
southern-friend chicken.
(audience laughing)
- You know, it's so
exciting, because you know,
there's not, there's
been more, I've been,
once I was in a producer
and he said that I looked,
you know can you see that
there's a cut, there's a vague,
some of a kind, do
you, not that it's because,
and I never absolutely
because when I want
when you had the Christmas,
and when you with all
your brothers and
everything and your wife,
I love Venezuela,
I think it's so terrific
because that's the kind
of voice and she sings
and she's very, Fran, and
that's right and whatever
and most and the thing
that I, the thing that I just,
would so because you're
doing against that great big heavy
the guy in Florida, the
one, he's enormous...
- Lisa.
- And he's "Goodnight
everybody,"
I just can't because it's
so and you have that big
that one that big, the bear
that comes and he stands...
- Well nobody has said
it exactly like that before.
- Absolutely because I
just I just I just, I never miss
your show,
Mr. Tormey, I think it's.
(audience laughing)
- What's a home
without children?
- Quiet.
(audience laughing)
- Here's today's definition.
A procrastinator is a
crastinator that plays for money.
- I can't get the car started.
I think it's flooded.
- Where's the car now?
- In the swimming pool.
- I think it's flooded.
(audience laughing)
- Time now for our
Laugh-In favorite.
A fox and a stork
became good friends.
The fox invited the
stork home for dinner.
And served soup in a flat bowl.
The stork with his long
bill, couldn't get any soup,
so he went home hungry.
To get even, the stork
invited the fox to a meal,
at which the soup was
served in a tall, thin vase.
The fox, with this short muzzle,
couldn't get any of the soup!
So he ate the stork.
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't you?
- The moment we've
all been waiting for!
(clapping)
- Oh, is Ferd gonna
do the Farkel now?
- I wouldn't miss a
flash of Ferd Farkel
for the all the
frankfurters in Phoenix.
(slidewhistle blowing)
- I feel Ferd can Farkel
forever, if it's tasteful.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I wish I could
Farkel like Ferd.
- Hold it, folks!
Ferd'll do his thing.
Here comes the
famous Farkel Fling!
We never though a dance
Could do so many things
Like curing gout and shingles
Or removing wedding rings
It's just a simple step
But more than that it's fun
Everyone get ready
when you hear the count of
One and a-two and
a-three and a-four
Get it
If your posture is poor
And you're feeling insecure
You should take a chance
and learn to dance the Farkel
Mr. Agnew they say
Tries the Farkel twice a day
Tiny Tim and Vicky
do a tricky Farkel
Hey It's a hop and a skip
And a dip and a spin
It's a glide it's a slide
It's a right to the chin
Sparkle Farkel tried it
and it cleared up her skin
Raquel Welch who was right
Freeformed Farkels day and night
So we best get ready
And get on the mark
Get set Do the
Farkel Do the Farkel
And the Farkel like a lark.
Hey
Steve McQueen thinks it's keen
Doris Day says hooray
Mr. Nixon when asked
said to Farkel's okay
One could Farkel daily
Keeps the burpels away
We can dance off our cares
Farkel foot and Ferd Astaires
Feet together friends
now wag your tail and bark
Let's go Do the
Farkel Do the Farkel
Do the Farkel Fancy Farkel
Do the Fark Fark
Fark Fark Farkel
Daylight to dark Hey
(upbeat playful music)
(audience applauding)
- Well how do you
like our kids, Frank?
- Fine, Fanny, the
Farkels were fabulous.
- And now, a word from Ferd.
- Fine lookin' family
you got there, Frank.
(audience laughing)
- I think I'll buy the
Farkel and have it bottled.
In all it's goodness.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat playful music)
- Do the Farkel.
(tapping)
Do the Farkel.
- You ready to say
goodnight there, lightfoot?
- Just as soon as I thank
the vast silent majority.
- Silent majority.
- Who quietly and
without saying so,
agree with me wholeheartedly
on the vital issues of the day.
- Hey that's just
keen but tell me,
he asked seeking enlightenment,
if people are so quiet
and they don't say so, how do
you know they agree with you
on anything?
- Well how do you
know they don't?
Gotcha!
(audience laughing)
- That's another
way to look at it.
- It's the only way I know.
- Well thanks
anyway, silent majority.
Just keep those
cards and letters.
(audience laughing)
- We get more than
we can read as it is.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Spiro.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- I have a dog
that's so nervous,
when you say attack, he has one.
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear about Tiny Tim?
The Army burned his draft card.
(audience laughing)
- Hey somebody told me, Goldie.
- Yeah I'm here.
- Oh I'm glad to hear that.
Somebody told me you
have hundreds of goldfish
in your bathtub, is that right?
What do you do
when you take a bath?
- I blindfold them.
(audience laughing)
- Daniel, what do you get
if you cross a cuckoo clock
with a frog?
- A cuckoo clock with a
frog, I don't know, what?
- A crazy bird who comes
out once and croaks.
(audience laughing)
- Jo Ann!
- Yes, Pam.
- Jo Ann, if you were
marooned on a desert island.
- Yes, Pam.
- What you take along to read?
- How about what would I
like to have most along to read?
- A half-tooth sailor.
(audience laughing)
- Pam?
- What?
- Have you ever had
your eyes checked?
- Oh, no, they've always
been just plain brown.
(audience laughing)
- There's a new dial-up
prayer for Atheists.
You call a number
and nobody answers.
(audience laughing)
- Dick?
- Yeah, babe.
- Do you realize that
the number of people
born in America every
single day would fill
three baseball stadiums?
- Hmm.
- Do you know what that means?
- Sure do, it means
we better build
some more baseball stadiums.
(audience laughing)
- No it means we have
a new national sport.
- Hike!
- Ill drink to that!
- My friend had his singed
eyebrows transplanted
using hair from a dog.
- [Dan] No kidding!
- No, I'm not kidding.
(audience laughing)
Now every time he
passes a fire hydrant,
he looks very surprised.
(audience laughing)
Think about it.
- Can anyone tell me
what's the best way
to avoid a hangover?
- You stay drunk, darling.
(audience laughing)
- My sister just found out
what social security means.
Yesterday she married her boss.
(audience laughing)
- Kate Smith has a very
large repertoire and some
of her dresses make
it look even worse.
(audience laughing)
- Carl Reiner!
- What, what, what!
- What do you think is going
to be man's goal in the 70s?
- To make it to the 1980s.
- Catch!
(rumbling)
(slidewhistle blowing)
(playful music)
- Fire one!
- You're fired!
- Fire two!
- You're fired!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Scarlett.
Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
Alright now, how many
times have I told you?
How many times?
How many times?
- That's three so far.
(kissing)
- You know I noticed
one thing about high tea
at Berkley.
Nobody boils any water.
(audience laughing)
- The preceding show
was prerecorded earlier
by a group of young
senior citizens.
It is being shown now as proof
that you shouldn't
trust anyone over 30.
Do the Farkel Do the Farkel
Do the Fark Fark
Fark Fark Farkel
Daylight til dark
- Very interesting.
And for a change very truthful.
Those dumb cups finally
admitted they are nothing
but a fish-titious fan-tansy
from Ferd's magimination.
(audience laughing)
- I knew a little Fraulein
friend of Ferd's once,
she was a cute little Farkel.
- Bush, you're way off base.
- But I'm not Bush.
Bush is that pruddy
Lieutenant who walks funny.
- That was Bush?
- That was Bush.
(laughing)
- Neville, on second thought,
I'm going to little Peter room.
Coming, Lt. Bush.
(audience laughing)
- That's the funniest
looking sailor I ever saw.
On dry land he's a knucklehead.
(audience laughing)
But Lucy as always, like
for the last 17,000 programs,
you're the Captain of
the ship for my dreams.
And as for you Gary, like
torpedo tube number one,
you're fired (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey!
(upbeat playful music)
(drumming)
(clapping)
(door creaking)
(dinging)
(clapping)
(chiming)