Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 17 - Episode #3.17 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- The following show
was prerecorded earlier
at a time when we were
all young and foolish.
Now that we're older and wiser,
it's too late to do
anything about it.
(audience laughs)
- All right, get ready, Rock.
You've been
understudying this show
for five years now
and never gone on.
Well tonight's your big chance.
Our star can't make it.
He's dead drunk.
- That's a coincidence.
So am I.
(audience laughs)
(mimics boat horn)
- I've come to find out
about my X-rays, Doctor.
- Well!
According to these x-rays,
in six months you'll
be gone four. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(mimics creaky door opening)
- Want to see my
flounder impression?
- No, I don't want to see
your flounder impression.
- Of course, I will.
(drum hit)
(audience laughs)
(mimics explosion)
- Well how's this gonna
look in the paper, Charlie?
Drunk drowns in clam chowder.
(audience laughs)
Huh?
(mimics cat)
- From beautiful
downtown Burbank,
home of the Berthel
and land of the Farkel,
NBC presents Frank and Ferd,
known to some of you
as Berthel and Farkel
in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and or Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Jonathan Winters
and Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzie, Judy
Carne, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and most certainly
Jo Anne Worley.
Plus fresh from The Fun
Factory, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
and Lily Tomlin.
- I will now
illustrate a fast draw.
(mimics gunshot)
- And me, Gary Owens,
reminding you that there's
a little Ferd in all of us.
And now this important word.
(upbeat jazz music)
(giggling)
- Now let me say
this about that.
- [Gary] Be sure to read
the important instructions
on your bottle of Hi
Karate before using.
(crackling)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Tie boy, tie boy, tie boy,
tie boy, tie boy, tie boy.
(party horn)
- What are you celebrating?
- Well it just so happens
that one of the greatest men
America has ever known
was born on this day.
- Let me guess,
Johnny Appleseed?
- Greater than that,
Johnny Rubberplant.
- Johnny Rubberplant?
- For years, Johnny
Rubberplant went
from hotel lobby to hotel lobby.
- Planting rubber plants.
- Hey, it if weren't for
Johnny Rubberplant
every hotel lobby in the country
would be filled with
nothing but empty pots.
- Unthinkable.
- Incidentally,
Johnny Rubberplant
was not his real name, though.
- That wasn't his real name?
- His real name was Johnny Pots.
- Johnny Pots, I see.
I should have known
that, Johnny Pots.
- You should have
seen when he died,
what they buried
him in. (laughs)
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- Well it gave the
pallbearers quite a problem
what with only one
handle and all, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Mmm, must have
been quite a funeral.
- Yup, first time old
John ever had a pot
to call his own! (laughs)
- Come on, now, you promised
NBC no more pot jokes.
- That's not a pot joke.
That's a John joke.
- We'll be right back
after this fast message.
- Hey, who was that?
- That was Johnny Rubberplant.
- Looked to me
like he was potting.
- Now stop that!
(party horn)
- It's national quickie week.
Oops, you missed it!
(audience laughs)
- My dear you
shouldn't take the pill.
- Oh, I'm taking
a pill for my heart.
- Well why do you
need a heart pill?
- Because I forgot
to take the pill.
(audience laughs)
(snare drum roll)
(upbeat jazz music)
- In the interest of
good sportsmanship,
all of us on Laugh-In
would like to take
a little moment here to
pay a tribute to a country
which for the past few
years has been the butt
of at least a few
thousand ethnic jokes.
- And so for being a good sport
and for good-naturedly taking
all the ribbing with a smile,
we say, "Here's to Poland,
a good sport nation!"
(audience laughs)
(snare drum roll)
(gunshot)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat jazz music)
- You remember
last time, kiddies,
when Jack Armstrong
had his sneakers stolen,
causing him to fall off
the gymnasium wall.
- Mrs. Schloeder?
Mrs. Schloeder, wake up.
It's time for your
sleeping pill.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
There you go.
(match scrapes)
(audience laughs)
(metal clunks)
Nice night, isn't it?
- Sure is.
(paper rustles)
(metal clunks)
- The lord giveth and
the lord taketh away.
(audience laughs)
(snare drum rolls)
(gunshot)
(upbeat jazz music)
- It's time once again
for a Laugh-in fable.
In ancient days, a man
walking in the forest saw a lion,
(chuckles) suffering
from a thorn in his paw.
The man pulled it out.
(clicks tongue)
Applause, applause.
Many months later, a
captured lion was placed
in the gladiator's arena
with a helpless man,
and guess what?
(chuckles) The lion ate this man
just like he ate the one
who pulled out the thorn.
(audience laughs)
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
- One.
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
Two.
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
Three.
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
Five!
- Henry, what happened to four?
- She died happy.
(snare drum roll)
(boing)
(upbeat jazz music)
(sobbing)
- There, there honey.
What's the matter?
- Oh Miss Frickert, were you
ever in love with a two-timer?
- Many times, years ago.
But nowadays I'd settle
for much less, three times,
four times, I don't care how
unfaithful they are! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- And now folks, another
episode in our frivolous fantasy
of the fabulous Farkel Family
with Fred Farmer as
Farkel, Farmer Farkel.
Francis Fogle is Frannie Farkel,
Fritz Fingle is Mark Farkel.
And featuring
America's own Billy Box
as Ferd Berthel
and me Fern Frankle,
Fern Frankle as Sparkle Farkel.
(audience laughing)
This week's chapter is
entitled A Visit From The Police.
- Ferd, good friend
and trusted neighbor,
there was a sneak thief in
the neighborhood last night.
- Frank's right, Ferd.
- I heard, Fannie.
- Ferd heard, Frank.
- I heard Ferd heard, Fannie.
(knocking at door)
- Ah, Frank Farkel here.
- I'm Officer Phil McCorkel.
- Phil McCorkel.
- Frank Farkel?
- Yes welcome
in the house, Phil.
Officer McCorkel I'd like
you to meet the family.
That's Fannie Farkel.
Fannie Farkel, Phil McCorkel.
There's Martin, Sparkle Farkel,
twins, Simon and Gar Farkel,
and her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- Farkels, Phil McCorkel.
- And this is our good
friend and trusted neighbor,
Ferd Berthel.
Phil, Ferd, Ferd, Phil.
- What's up, Phil?
- Well we caught what
we think is the sneak thief
in the neighborhood,
a desperate, wild-eyed,
buggy looking hoodlum.
Yes, it's something else.
I'll bring him in for you.
Come in here, you little devil!
Come on in now,
get ahold of yourself!
Get ahold of yourself.
Yes, you have got
ahold of yourself.
Alright, stand over
there, away from the plant.
You might kill it.
(audience laughs)
Alright now, take your time.
- Hi!
- Well, what do you say?
- I'm sorry, it doesn't
look like anybody
we've ever seen, sorry.
- You're sorry?
- No I'm Frank.
- Berthel?
- Farkel.
- Hi!
- Tune in next week, folks,
when we'll hear Ferd
Berthel say to Phil McCorkel...
- That's a mighty
fine looking thief
you've got there, McForkel.
- That's McCorkel.
- I'm sorry.
- No you're Ferd.
- I'm Frank Farkel.
- I'm Fannie Farkel.
- I'm Mark Farkel.
- I'm Sparkle Farkel.
- And we're the Farkel twins.
- I'm Simon Farkel.
- I'm Gar Farkel.
- Simon.
- And Gar Farkel.
- [Both] We're Farkels.
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
- I think you all are.
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(boing)
(audience laughs)
- I understand that brave
men run in your family.
- It couldn't be truer.
(steel scrapes)
- How does it feel to
cross swords with Rosefort,
the greatest
swordsman in all France?
- How do you feel
about trying to catch
one of the brave men
that run in my family?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Fannie.
- Farkel.
- And me, I'm Phil McCorkel.
And I'm taking this whole
Farkel family to the picky.
- That's pokie.
- I'm sorry.
- Hi!
- I think you all are.
- They sure are.
- Oh!
Wouldn't it be
wonderful sometime
to get the Farkels and
the Frickerts together
for a friendly fish
fry Friday, hmm?
- Wanna see my flounder?
(audience laughs)
- Well, we all
have our hang ups.
(flute music)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
There is a man in this
town who is not French.
He is a spy.
I am going to run him
through with my sword.
Do you know who he is?
- Listen, if I knew you'd
be the first guy I'd tell.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Oh Miss Frickert,
there's an old man
who keeps annoying me.
What should I do?
- Well my dear, there are
three things that you must do.
First, you must
stay in the house.
Second, you must
lock yourself in.
And third, you must
introduce me to him.
(audience laughs)
What, I said something?
- Hi kids!
(audience laughs)
Oh hi there, you
little sweethearts!
This is Uncle Al, Kiddie's pal,
Hello little friends, hello.
(coughs)
Uncle Al doesn't
feel so well, today.
- [Melissa] Why Uncle Al?
- Well Melissa, Uncle Al had
a lot of medicine last night.
(audience laughs)
I didn't think I could
pull it off, frankly.
But I'm here!
And today we're gonna tell
you all about the Brownies!
Oh, isn't that exciting?
Just terrific, isn't it?
First, every little boy
should join the Brownies.
- [Melissa] Uncle,
that's little girls!
- OK, then every little
boy should join the girls!
(audience laughs)
- [Children] Cub Scouts!
- Yes, that's what it is.
OK, the Cub Scouts, and
when they have their meeting,
the daddies teach the
Brownies how to cook!
- [Melissa] No,
that's the mommies!
The mommies teach the Brownies.
- Ah, that's right, Melissa.
I'll tell this, do you mind?
- When they have the meetings,
the daddies teach the
mommies how to cook,
and they show you how to
bake chocolate dough in a pan!
And you get Girl Scout cookies!
- [Melissa] Oh no,
that's Brownies!
- I said it was gonna
be Brownies, didn't I?
(water splashes)
Get Miss Twinkle on the phone!
(playful music)
- [Boy] I love you, Uncle Al!
- If I was 20 years younger,
I'd take that Uncle
Al out and roll him!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wish that old
broad would get lost.
(audience laughs)
When I finish all my food
My mommy gives me a treat
But when I'm a little naughty
This is what I have
to repeat Gee whiz
What's the news
across the nation
Oh darn We have got
the information Oh boy
In a way came up
with the news Yous
(audience laughs)
Golly We give you
our views La da dee da
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh-In looks at the
news Here's Uncle Dan
(audience applauds)
- Oh boy, Uncle Dan, I love you!
- I want a sucker!
(audience laughs)
- And now with the
news of the present,
here's the man for whom
the news wouldn't be the news
without the news!
Shirley, here's Dicky!
(audience applauds)
(big band music)
(clears throat)
- The manufacturers of
Mother Farkel's Chicken Soup
conforming to recently
passed regulations
requiring an accurate
statement of ingredients
now label their
product as follows.
Acetoxiphenol, 40%,
(audience laughs)
Stanici chloride,
3%, Phosphenes,
29%, and polymers,
12%, plus a little
piece of chicket.
Chicken!
The Pentagon today
revealed the results
of an experimental
program in which birds
equipped with miniature cameras
are trained to
photograph military targets.
At the head of the class
was a homing pigeon
who had completed
three dozen missions,
resulting in 36
photographs of a statue
of General Stonewall Jackson.
(audience laughs)
Okay, Goldie, sell it!
(snare drum roll)
(gavel hit)
- How much am I offered
for this lovely podium?
Do I hear 10 dollars?
Do I hear five dollars?
Do I hear, what?
- Goldie, when
he said, "Sell it,"
he didn't mean the
podium, he meant me.
- OK folks, how
much am I offered
for this old Dan Rowan here?
Do I hear 10
dollars, five dollars?
- Did you say this
old Dan Rowan?
- (laughs) Nothing personal.
Three dollars!
Sorry Dan, no takers.
You know we should
have stuck with the podium.
- Should have stuck...
- Do I hear three dollars?
(audience laughs)
- You little auctioneer, you.
Anaheim, 1990,
Principal Josh Golden
of the Southern California
Elementary School declared today,
"Since we instituted our
sex education program,
"we found an unusual situation.
"Four members of
our eighth grade class
"are now also
members of the PTA."
(audience laughs)
You got to be teachers, you see.
The Indians were finally forced
to move off Alcatraz today.
The Bureau of
Indian Affairs said
the reason the
Indians had to leave
was that their singing and
dancing disturbed the neighbors.
(audience laughs)
And that the discovery
of oil on the island
had nothing to do with the
breaking of that age-old treaty.
(audience laughs)
1990, the 30th Annual
Convention of Television Censors
opened today (old car
horn) hotel in Miami, Florida.
Highlight of the (old
car horn) convention
came when the (old car
horn) president, Don Rowe,
danced totally
(old car horn) with a
(old car horn) clad
showgirl (old car horn)
at the top of his (old
car horn) that old favorite
(old car horn) in
the (old car horn).
(audience laughs)
- And now for a
tasteful Laugh-in feature,
we go to the office
of the governor.
Thank you.
(loud creak)
(audience laughs)
- Sir, as one of the
nation's leading politicians,
would you tell us
please what you think
of the far right conservatives?
- Well, I think they're
fine, dedicated men
who stick to the courage
of their convictions.
And have the honesty
and guts to stand up
for what they believe in.
- Uh huh, and what
about the far left liberals?
- Mmm, I can admire those
individuals who take a position
on principle and with
unflagging devotion,
state their views and
promote their ideals
with integrity and conviction.
- And may I quote
you on this, sir?
- No, no.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, mystery fans.
Here's Ruth with the truth
about Hollywood's youth.
(giggles) Now that's cute.
(giggles) Here's
today's hot item.
Hollywood's ideal
married couple,
Neile Adams and Marty Ransohoff,
had their first spat
today in a supermarket
where they started
throwing things at each other.
He was in the fruit
section (giggles)
and she was in the dairy case.
And in no time,
everything was peaches
and cream between them.
(audience laughs)
That's it for now. (giggles)
Tune in again next
week for more low down
on the higher ups in
Tinseltown. (laughs)
Live from Buzzie.
La da dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(upbeat xylophone music)
(change clinks)
(lid thunks)
(audience laughs)
(deep inhale)
(metal thudding)
(change clinks)
(metal crashes)
(audience laughs)
(boing)
- Hi, I'm Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
Do you wish to fight
inside or outside?
- For you, inside.
For me, outside.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal, Miss Tomlin again.
I don't want to even
think that you hung.
Well, mister, pardon me?
Would I stop
mispronouncing your name?
Well, how do you say it?
Vidal?
(audience laughs)
G. Vidal?
Not Gore Vidal?
Gore Vidal, author of that
trashy, pornographic book
Myra Breckenridge, soon
to be a major motion picture
by 20th Century Fox? (snorts)
Well I'll bet your
mother's proud of you.
(audience laughs)
Well, of course I read it.
And when the other girls
in the office finished it,
we had it burned.
Just tell me what
right have you got
to impose your vulgar
degeneracy n the American people?
Artistic merit. (snorts)
What's so artistic about a
man who turns into a woman?
I sound like a good
bet for the lead?
(audience laughs)
Maybe he was serious.
This could be my big break.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(playful music)
- The Ox is Not a
Lox, by Henry Gibson.
(hums)
Most people think
that the ox is a square
But I think that he's not
His swing seat grooves
on his tiny little hooves
And he only smokes
filter-tip poppy seeds
(audience laughs)
With corn silk And
sesame seeds, too
(audience laughs)
- A rose by any other
name would smell as sweet.
- Oh, I don't know.
Now, would your girl still
love you if instead of roses,
you sent her a bouquet
of a dozen nellies?
- Let's find out how
important names are.
We'll try some one liners
on the subject of names.
After all, if it had been
Orville and Wilbur Ford,
we'd have nothing but
automobiles stacked up
all over the airports.
(audience laughs)
- Would anyone really
fear Marvin the Ripper?
(audience laughs)
- I mean, would you
spearhead an invasion
with Dwight D. Noodleman?
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Well, the Garden of
Eden never would have been
the same had it been
occupied by, are you ready?
Adam and Zelda!
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Who'd laugh
at Laurel and Lasfogel?
(audience laughs)
- Would you revere a
man named Pope Bill?
Hmm, would ya?
- I want to ask you would the
Bible have had the same appeal
if it had been written by
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Harry?
(audience laughs)
- Now would all of gangland
have feared a Bruce Capone?
(audience laughs)
- Would anybody have
gotten out of bed if Paul Revere
had galloped through
the countryside yelling,
"The Polish are coming,
the Polish are coming?"
(audience laughs)
- And would
tourists flock to see
the leaning tower of Cleveland?
(audience laughs)
- And oh, would you be happy if
with a vice president
named Spiro T. Agnew?
- But his name
is Spiro T. Agnew.
- Yes, but are you happy?
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess Shakespeare
was wrong, right Dean?
- Right, Jerry.
(audience laughs)
(pops)
("You Make Me Feel So
Young" by Frank Sinatra)
(playful music)
- Flounder.
(drum hit)
(audience laughs)
Why, Stan and Ollie.
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(water splashes)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
Unless you tell me
who the rebel leader is,
I shall run you through.
- I refuse to tell!
(metal scrapes)
However, I will point.
(audience laughs)
(bass drum hit)
- Alright now, before
we go to the party,
I want to remind
you to call me tonight!
- OK, but in case I forget,
you call and remind me.
- But what if I forget?
- Don't worry I'll call
and remind you. (laughs)
- You know what
you reminded me of?
- What?
- We gotta go to the party!
- OK. (laughs)
(audience applauds)
(upbeat pop music)
- At the last party I went to,
there was a 300 pound girl
wearing a see through blouse.
You could see anything you like.
Trouble is you didn't like
anything you could see.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- I needed a flu shot,
so I asked the doctor
to inoculate me where
nobody could see it.
So, tonight I'm going
up to his apartment!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Boris really likes
my new apartment.
Everything except
the dishwasher.
Boris says he has
got to go. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Goldie, what...
- What?
Now that I have
your attention...
- Little spasm, what?
- Is that what it was?
- Yeah. (laughs)
- What are you, what are
you, I forgot the question.
What do you think of
the population explosion?
- Well you know what,
it doesn't bother me a bit
because I wear earplugs.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Well kids, a terrible
thing happened.
I just dropped my
latest statue of Moses
receiving the stone tablets.
Do you realize I broke all
ten commandments at once?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- It's easy to prepare
for judgment day.
Just think of bible studies
as cramming for your finals.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Let's kiss and make up.
- Make up what?
- Oh I don't know, maybe
the kiss'll give us some ideas.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- My son has a
perfect right to complain
about that mess
around the house.
I told him not to marry her.
(upbeat pop music)
- You know Mr. Rosmenkel,
you dancing fool, you.
Do you know that in America,
people are free to protest
and criticize our government?
- Oh, Mr. Rowan, it's
same thing in old country.
- Oh yeah?
- Free to protest and criticize
your government. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Say Jeremy, would you
like to go back to England
with an American wife?
- Well I'd be delighted!
As long as it was alright
with her American husband.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know if the
number of Israeli planes
the Arabs claim to have
shot down is accurate,
Egypt has got to be
bombed by its own air force.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- When my sister told me
that her son had been
cheating in school,
well, I was unspeakably shocked.
I didn't even know
he was married.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- I hear a lot about
these protests
and I say we ought to
get behind our president!
I mean after all, if these
protesters get violent,
I want somebody in front of me.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- (laughs) Oh my
feet are, wouldn't stop.
(audience laughs)
You know I, I just
came from the Sixth Annual
Hugh O'Brian Acting
Award Competition.
- Oh yeah, what happened?
- Oh, he lost again.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
(audience applauds)
- [Principal] Suzie, your
dresses are too short.
You're untidy, late to
class, you talk too much.
You run around
with all the boys.
What kind of a teacher are you?
(audience laughs)
- Hi, Big Al here
in Switzerland.
I'm standing on top
of the Matterhorn
for the Annual Swiss Soft
Cheese Throwing Competition.
(audience laughs)
Talk about high.
Hubba hubba.
That wind goes right
through my lederhosen.
It's even cold enough
to freeze my bell.
(audience laughs)
Listen to that tinkle!
(audience laughs)
With me is Burger Gundermeister,
one of the real cheese
throwing aficionados.
Burger, would you
explain this age old contest
to our audience?
- Well, it's very simple really.
- Uh huh.
- It first started
about 500 years ago
as a combination of
sanct and yodeling.
It is done using this
spring board here.
(speaks foreign language)
(audience laughs)
- It looks clean to me.
- Made of the best Swiss
pine, you understand?
My brother cut it himself
out of a little tiny dock.
(audience laughs)
You bend the board back like so.
You see?
(audience laughs)
Yeah and it serves,
you see, it's fun.
Now you place the soft
cheese, you see that?
On the board and release
it, whoosh, into the wind.
(laughs)
- Where does the
yodeling come in?
- The rules are as soon as
the cheese is flying, you yodel.
(yodels)
(audience laughs)
You must remain
in the same position
until you hear the
echo of your voice.
You understand?
- Yes.
- The stronger you are, (laughs)
the further the board
will fling the cheese.
(laughs)
- Well!
That certainly
seems simple enough.
Now you're going to
see your own Big Al
put his giant muscles and
eloquent yodeling voice
to the test.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you struck me a little.
Love good here now.
I had bursis now it's gone.
- OK.
- One thing more, as
soon as you hear the echo,
you must take
one step to the left.
- You got it.
OK, here goes.
(wood thunks)
(wind whooshing)
- Oh, good cheese!
- Oh thanks, Burger.
Say, what's that
step to the left for?
- One, two, three.
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- That's terrible!
That's cheese!
Well that's it for today, ta ta!
(audience laughs)
(triumphant horn music)
- Well as they used to
say on My Little Margie,
it's time now for the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.
- Well tell me, who gets
the potent prober this time?
- I'm just about to tell you,
the United States
Department of the Air Force.
- They go a little wild in
the old blue yonder did they?
- Well in a way, yes.
Mr. A E Fitzgerald,
the top efficiency expert
for the Air Force
said that the cost
of the C five A transport
project would go
two billion dollars over budget.
- Ah ha, so the Air
Force commended him
for his good work, huh?
- Well not quite.
You see Mr. Fitzgerald
blamed the extra cost
on bad management and
inadequate cost control
on the part of the Air Force,
and he said so before
a senate subcommittee.
- Well isn't that his job?
- Not anymore.
- He got fired for that?
- Well, not according to
the Air Force spokesman.
- Well it sounds like
he got fired for that.
- Well no you see,
what the Air Force did
was to eliminate his job.
- He got fired
for that, alright.
- And Air Force Secretary
Robert Seamans said
that Mr. Fitzgerald's
job was abolished
in an effort to save money.
- Oops, watch it Mr. Secretary,
you know what
happened to Mr. Fitzgerald
for trying to save money.
- You better be careful.
So here it is, Air
Force Department.
Take good care of it.
- With proper management
and adequate cost control,
this can really
help you take off.
(audience laughs)
- I am Rosefort, the
greatest swordsman
and pistol shot in all France.
Do you choose swords or pistols?
(playful music)
- Hmm.
I'll choose the pistol.
You can have the sword.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Roof!
(audience laughs)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
(steel scrapes)
How would you like the
taste of cold, French steel?
- I prefer warm
milk and cookies.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- There's a lot of
things for old folks to do.
Like go to the
library after lunch
and listen to the
Reader's Digest.
(audience laughs)
- Well tonight,
ladies and gentleman,
Laugh-in's going to
salute the American tourist.
You know Americans
love to travel,
anything from a
short weekend jaunt
to a trip around the world.
- Trip around the world?
- Yeah, wouldn't that be fun?
Wouldn't you like to take
a trip around the world?
- What and fall off the edge?
(audience laughs)
- Now everybody knows you don't.
Columbus and the
astronauts proved that!
- I didn't even know
they knew each other.
- No I mean basically
the world is round.
You see those pictures when
they took them from the moon?
The poles are slightly flat.
- Oh, it's probably
something in their diet.
- Oh, come on!
The world is round, it's a ball!
- I'll drink to that!
- Yeah, let's all drink to that
as we salute the
American tourist.
So they call it gay Paris
It's not necessarily
I have found at any rate
Gay Paris is very straight
And pretty great,
too (audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- I didn't like Hong Kong.
I just couldn't seem
to get oriented.
(audience laughs)
- You know, Dick, I
hear that today in Russia,
things are much better.
People can say what they want.
- Well, let's ask this old lady.
Excuse me, what do you think
of the present
Russian government?
(loudly hushes)
- I like it!
(audience laughs)
Hope I didn't get
any on your shoes.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Oh, I'm so fascinated
by these old Greek ruins!
- Ah, me too.
- Particularly that
one over there.
- Yeah you know, but I still
wonder what Jackie sees in him.
(audience laughs)
You take a cruise
to the Virgin Isles
You could just abound
for miles and miles
But I gotta tell
you just the same
That's a pretty silly
name For an island
That's a pretty
silly name (laughs)
Oh, I'm a naughty broad.
(audience laughs)
- Well moving right along with
our look at American tourists
I think that we should...
- You know, I'm so
glad you asked me
because the thing
that I've done...
I have been absolutely,
there's no place in the whole...
I think I've been
probably, I've traveled...
There's the thing, the place...
I've seen so many because,
my friend, when I had...
The time I went to
Tijuana, I didn't drink,
but when I came across...
I was gonna go
across the border,
and I was gonna
smug something...
I wasn't really gonna smug,
but when I, I had some...
They said to me,
well, and I had...
They thought I had
concealed in my,
maybe somewhere
on my per, but I didn't...
They said, "Well take
off all your," and I couldn't.
I said, "This is absolutely..."
I wasn't gonna because it was...
The little room,
it was kind of...
They were
breathing, things blow,
and I didn't want to because
if I was standing there
totally, I didn't
because and if...
And I didn't and I,
there was nothing stuck,
and I didn't have anything
because if I had I
wouldn't have to work
when I went to college.
If I had something I could
have brought, I wouldn't of
and I could've
dissed, but I didn't.
The things I have, I've seen.
I have been, I
just, I can think of.
I have been so many.
It's, it's, I've been,
I've just seen about
everything there is.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles)
- Hello, we're the Billings.
We're here for your
weekend special.
This advertisement
says weekend special,
four days, two nights,
including a free mixed drink.
- And dinner for two
and a complete floor show
and 20 dollars worth
of free chips to gamble.
- That's right, darling.
And they said I'd be guaranteed
to leave as a happy man.
- Hmm, well you bet
ya, Mr. and Mrs. Billings.
(bell dings)
Front boy, that always
brings him right here.
(audience laughs)
Will you come this way?
(audience laughs)
It's just a short
distance, right over here.
Here we are.
- Sit over there, darling.
(screams)
- Place your bets, please.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute!
I was supposed to get 20
dollars worth of free chips!
Where are they?
- Here you are, sir.
Would you be kind enough,
pussycat, to pick a card?
10 of diamonds, if you can.
- No, no, no, ace of spades.
- Sorry, you lose.
Mine.
The winning card was
the 10 of diamonds.
That's a lesson
for you and for you
in the game of cards.
Well, I see that
dinner is served.
Yes, dinner is served.
Step right this way.
- We just sat down.
- I don't know what's going on.
I've never been here before.
(jazzy piano music)
- Good evening, how
many in your party?
- Two.
We have two, darling and myself.
- Let me see if we have a
table for two, I'm not quite sure.
Tremendous crowd
here this evening.
Here you can see it's fantastic.
I didn't think either it
was getting so crowded.
Table for two, is it?
Right this way, please.
Yes, oh well I
can feel it now, yes
(audience laughs)
Your waiter will be
here momentarily.
Hello there, I'm your waiter.
What do you want, huh?
I'm gonna lay it on you.
What do you want?
Speak up lady, lay it on me.
I'm gonna put you on a couple
of drinks, somethin' to eat.
I'm gonna tear your face off.
- We're supposed
to have a free drink!
(audience laughs)
- What are you saying,
somethin' with a little funky hat on.
Take it off, man!
You're in some class place.
I'm gonna give you a drink.
Yeah, come on, pay attention.
Yeah, I'm gonna give
you something else.
Yeah, how's that?
- But you said a mixed drink!
- It's mixed ain't it now?
- There we go, we're
gonna have din-din, too kids.
You gonna eat up, now.
There you go, there's din-din.
- But it's supposed
to be for two!
- Everything's for two, OK.
You gonna correct
me one more time.
(knife thunks)
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- And now show time!
I'm gonna lay it on you.
- Showtime?
- Hi everybody! (giggles)
And now ladies and gentleman,
the comedy sensation
of our show! (giggles)
Hello, yes thank you, now
you take my wife, please.
Thank you, and good night.
(audience laughs)
- What is this?
We paid 50 bucks
for this swindle?
I've got a fish in my drink.
- We've been robbed
every step of the way!
- Wait a minute, you
people are causing a scene.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
- On top of that you
said I was gonna leave
here a happy man!
I'm not a happy man!
- Would you like to stay longer?
- I certainly would not, I'll
be happy to get out of here!
- Ah, there you are,
just as advertised.
Front, front!
(audience laughs)
Let me show you an experience.
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- I'm not kidding
I'm gonna, come on!
If you should tour Tijuana
Keep off the flora and fauna
But don't touch the water
or somebody's daughter
And stay off the Marijuana, ole
- Boy, and those
Scandinavian countries swing.
Do you know that in Sweden,
they practice free love?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- You're kidding!
- Would I kid thee?
- Well let's go!
We don't want to
be late for practice!
(audience laughs)
You ought to be in Amsterdam
So much to see in Amsterdam
Depending of course on
your taste and your likes
There are windmills
and tulips and
And lots of canals
- Well, travel's
wonderful, but it's still true,
there's no place like home.
- Yup, that's true
and particularly
if her husband's out of town.
- Now this late item.
President Roosevelt
has announced,
hey this is a late item!
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(audience laughs)
(punches)
(audience laughs)
- Nave, do you know that
when I run you through
with cold steel you will die.
- No, but maybe if
you whistle a few bars
I'll try and join in.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal?
It's me again, Miss Tomlin
of the phone company.
You know what you
said about your lead
in the dirty movie?
Were you serious?
(audience laughs)
Well no, no, nothing you
could really call experience.
But once I did, I played
Captain Hook in grade school.
(audience laughs)
Well I could get together
just to talk things over.
We really shouldn't
speak over the phone.
They're always
listening in. (snorts)
(audience laughs)
Well, 10 minutes, I'll be there.
A favor for you, Gore?
Anything, just name it.
Oh that's easy,
I'll bring that along.
I'll see you soon, Sugs.
(audience laughs)
Phoenicia?
Phoenicia, this is Earnestine.
Listen, I have to
run out for a while,
but before I go, would
you do me a favor?
Send up the file on
William F. Buckley.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(playful music)
- Frickert.
- Maude Frickert,
meet the Farkels.
- Hi Farkels, I'm a Frickert.
Don't forget
Friday's the fish fry.
- I'm Ferd.
- You're darn right you are.
- And her.
- Hi!
I touched her on the leg in
She didn't scream 'til
Bloomdale was near
Mighty (audience laughs)
I'd like to know who
your shoemaker is.
(audience laughs)
(hums)
My dear Miss Hornsby.
It would not behoove a
woman of your haute couture
to react in so a
demeaning a manner.
That won't be necessary
anymore, my dear.
You see it has
become apparent to me
that my unsought four
overtures have become
repugnant to your
sensitive nature.
Hence in the future,
I shall refrain from
further liberties
with your quietude.
Forbid you, Godspeed.
(sings)
Come now.
How would like to
join me in my quarters?
- Oh!
- Now, how would you like
to join me in your quarters?
- Why you!
(audience laughs)
- How would you like to
join my quarters together?
(audience laughs)
(purse thuds)
- If he can't have me,
he can't have anybody!
(audience laughs)
(boing)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
I am now going to teach you
a lesson you will never forget.
Patty cake, patty
cake, baker's man.
(audience laughs)
- Alright now, call to order.
You're probably wondering
why I called y'all
here today, right?
It's time us Eskimos organized
to have our demands heard.
- What demands?
- Well that's just it.
We don't have any demands!
All the other minorities
have organized
and are making demands.
- [Woman] Well,
we're not a minority.
- What do you mean?
- Well look around, I mean
all you ever see up here
is Eskimos, nothing but
Eskimos and polar bears.
The polar bears,
now there's a minority!
- Well let's organize them.
- Shut up, you listen to me.
Put the fish down.
(audience laughs)
It's fake anyway.
(audience laughs)
It's time we stopped
being treated like this!
- Like what?
Who are we gonna
picket, the weather man?
(laughs)
- Oh you, you old
caucasian, you.
First we need a slogan.
Anyone got any ideas?
- How about blue is beautiful?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no I think a better one.
How about cold power?
- Ah, good.
Now we need a leader.
- You are leader.
- Oh!
- Yeah, but you think
anyone will believe
a man with a name
like Spiro Igloo?
(audience laughs)
- What'll our demands be?
- Well first, no
more frozen dinners.
- Wow.
- Applause, applause.
No more having someone tell us
we can't have
pre-marital nose rubbing.
(yelling)
Remember last September?
That go together.
(laughs)
That's all you do up here,
couple little rhymes
and go back to bed.
(audience laughs)
Well let's start our
protest march on noon.
(wind gust)
Oh look!
Me first!
(audience laughs)
On second thought,
door is still open.
(audience laughs)
On second thought,
let's start with a sit in.
(audience laughs)
You.
(laughs)
- We'll sit around
and chew the fat.
(laughs)
Sorry, I said it.
(wind gust)
- Meanwhile in
another part of town,
Fibber McGee and
Molly were celebrating
Fibber's victory in
the three-legged race.
As we join them, Molly says...
Back in my homeland
We have this beautiful love song
Perhaps you
might like to hear it
The words are nice To sing
I'd like to learn it
If you would teach me to sing it
Then we could sing it together
You'll please follow Me
(singing in foreign language)
This word mean I appreciate
you very, very much.
Okay now I will sing and
you help translation, alright?
- Yeah.
(singing in foreign language)
Tractors in my bedroom
(singing in foreign language)
Cabbage in my pillow
(singing in foreign language)
You're a lovely poodle puppy
I guess I haven't
got the words right
But I know the tune (laughs)
You're very charming
You've got a manner
most disarming
I've given up collective farming
To be with people
who are really nice
Like you (singing
in foreign language)
You're a lovely person
(singing in foreign language)
I am glad I met you
(singing in foreign language)
And I do love poodle
puppies Oh Miss Goldie
I appreciate you very, very
Thank you, dear
Mr. Rosemenkel, very, very
This means I appreciate you
Very, very much
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughs)
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience applauds)
- Well folks, as Harry
Babbitt used to say,
once again it's that time...
- It may be time for you,
but not for me.
Not until about oh two,
three in the morning.
- No, no I was just about to say
it's time to say goodnight.
- That's what I'm talking about.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight.
- Alright, but first I'd
like to say thank you
to the armed forces of America.
The protectors and
defenders of our country
and freedom around the world.
- Well, by golly, I'm
sure they appreciate that.
- Thank you and especially
to one particular whack
who taught me the true
meaning of field maneuvers.
- I don't want to hear this.
What is that?
- See I met this whack down
in San Diego last weekend.
- In San Diego?
San Diego's a navy port,
she's probably a wave.
- A what?
- Wave.
- Say goodnight, Dick
for one evening, will you?
- Good night, Dick
and goodnight Lieutenant
Bubbles Pannich, wherever you are.
See you about two
or three in the morning.
- Yeah, goodnight everybody.
(audience laughs)
(big band music)
- Did you hear about
Mickey Rooney?
He walked into a rock.
- No, what happened?
- He stubbed his nose.
(laughs)
- Henry?
- Uh huh?
- Nowadays, as soon as a
show biz personality gets big,
they go into politics.
What do you want to be, Henry?
- Well, first of all,
I'd like to be big!
- Oh, I get it! (laughs)
- Well, I went to my first
black tie party last week,
and I've never been more
embarrassed in my life!
Everyone else was
wearing clothes!
(audience laughs)
- Ah, Dick what did you
uh, uh, college? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- [Goldie] That isn't doing it.
- In college...
- That's easy for you to say!
(audience laughs)
- In college, what
did you letter in?
- Well I let her in my
dorm, I let her in my car...
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, did you hear
about the rooster
who showed a football
to his hens, and he said,
(crows)
"I just want you to see what
the other chickens are doing."
(audience laughs)
- I know a guy who's so lazy,
he married his
first wife's sister
so he wouldn't have to
break in a new mother-in-law.
(audience laughs)
- I don't understand it
why these radicals go
around planting bombs.
They'll never grow.
(audience laughs)
- Now how do you
make an apple turnover?
- Tell him he's an
hour late for work.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- Last Sunday in church
the sermon was all about
the sins on gambling.
It lasted so long,
we had to cancel
our scheduled bingo game.
(audience laughs)
- Do you think there's
intelligent life on Mars?
- Oh there must be.
You don't see them
wasting billions of dollars
to see if there's life on Earth.
(audience laughs)
- No, I'm not gonna laugh.
- You know I'm all for sex
education books in schools,
and I think sex
education movies are fine,
but all this on the job
training is going too far, gang!
(audience laughs)
- Do you know that light
travels 1165 miles an hour?
Thousand miles an hour.
No wonder it takes so fast
to get up in the morning.
(door thuds)
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Goldie! (laughs)
- I'm getting sick,
I have a cold.
- Oh.
- My head's kind of funny.
(audience laughs)
- We didn't know it was a cold.
- No.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(flute music)
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- Perfect, I love it!
- I am Rosefort,
and I have the fastest
and sharpest
blade in all France.
What do you say to that?
- Rosefort, maybe you
could trim my mustache.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting, but asinine.
What is lacking
is true discipline.
- Hi there!
Would you like to
show an old swinger
some of the
sights, little soldier?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh!
Goodies are happening
all over my body!
(audience laughs)
- She's been in the
trenches too long.
Those aren't goodies,
those are cooties!
(audience laughs)
Well, we could start
with a bunker you old...
- Good, well I have
a little something
in my knit bag in case
it gets chilly down there.
For the toy bulldog.
(audience laughs)
- Nice things, you ought
to put it over your head.
(audience laughs)
Very strange the things
the USO sends us troops.
Well, good night, Lucy.
Tonight as always,
you are beautiful.
And Gary, you are as always.
And if you don't stop
eating my shoe old lady,
I'm gonna kick you in the mouth!
(audience laughs)
(person clapping)
(bell tones)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- The following show
was prerecorded earlier
at a time when we were
all young and foolish.
Now that we're older and wiser,
it's too late to do
anything about it.
(audience laughs)
- All right, get ready, Rock.
You've been
understudying this show
for five years now
and never gone on.
Well tonight's your big chance.
Our star can't make it.
He's dead drunk.
- That's a coincidence.
So am I.
(audience laughs)
(mimics boat horn)
- I've come to find out
about my X-rays, Doctor.
- Well!
According to these x-rays,
in six months you'll
be gone four. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(mimics creaky door opening)
- Want to see my
flounder impression?
- No, I don't want to see
your flounder impression.
- Of course, I will.
(drum hit)
(audience laughs)
(mimics explosion)
- Well how's this gonna
look in the paper, Charlie?
Drunk drowns in clam chowder.
(audience laughs)
Huh?
(mimics cat)
- From beautiful
downtown Burbank,
home of the Berthel
and land of the Farkel,
NBC presents Frank and Ferd,
known to some of you
as Berthel and Farkel
in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and or Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Jonathan Winters
and Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzie, Judy
Carne, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and most certainly
Jo Anne Worley.
Plus fresh from The Fun
Factory, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
and Lily Tomlin.
- I will now
illustrate a fast draw.
(mimics gunshot)
- And me, Gary Owens,
reminding you that there's
a little Ferd in all of us.
And now this important word.
(upbeat jazz music)
(giggling)
- Now let me say
this about that.
- [Gary] Be sure to read
the important instructions
on your bottle of Hi
Karate before using.
(crackling)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Tie boy, tie boy, tie boy,
tie boy, tie boy, tie boy.
(party horn)
- What are you celebrating?
- Well it just so happens
that one of the greatest men
America has ever known
was born on this day.
- Let me guess,
Johnny Appleseed?
- Greater than that,
Johnny Rubberplant.
- Johnny Rubberplant?
- For years, Johnny
Rubberplant went
from hotel lobby to hotel lobby.
- Planting rubber plants.
- Hey, it if weren't for
Johnny Rubberplant
every hotel lobby in the country
would be filled with
nothing but empty pots.
- Unthinkable.
- Incidentally,
Johnny Rubberplant
was not his real name, though.
- That wasn't his real name?
- His real name was Johnny Pots.
- Johnny Pots, I see.
I should have known
that, Johnny Pots.
- You should have
seen when he died,
what they buried
him in. (laughs)
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- Well it gave the
pallbearers quite a problem
what with only one
handle and all, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Mmm, must have
been quite a funeral.
- Yup, first time old
John ever had a pot
to call his own! (laughs)
- Come on, now, you promised
NBC no more pot jokes.
- That's not a pot joke.
That's a John joke.
- We'll be right back
after this fast message.
- Hey, who was that?
- That was Johnny Rubberplant.
- Looked to me
like he was potting.
- Now stop that!
(party horn)
- It's national quickie week.
Oops, you missed it!
(audience laughs)
- My dear you
shouldn't take the pill.
- Oh, I'm taking
a pill for my heart.
- Well why do you
need a heart pill?
- Because I forgot
to take the pill.
(audience laughs)
(snare drum roll)
(upbeat jazz music)
- In the interest of
good sportsmanship,
all of us on Laugh-In
would like to take
a little moment here to
pay a tribute to a country
which for the past few
years has been the butt
of at least a few
thousand ethnic jokes.
- And so for being a good sport
and for good-naturedly taking
all the ribbing with a smile,
we say, "Here's to Poland,
a good sport nation!"
(audience laughs)
(snare drum roll)
(gunshot)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat jazz music)
- You remember
last time, kiddies,
when Jack Armstrong
had his sneakers stolen,
causing him to fall off
the gymnasium wall.
- Mrs. Schloeder?
Mrs. Schloeder, wake up.
It's time for your
sleeping pill.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
There you go.
(match scrapes)
(audience laughs)
(metal clunks)
Nice night, isn't it?
- Sure is.
(paper rustles)
(metal clunks)
- The lord giveth and
the lord taketh away.
(audience laughs)
(snare drum rolls)
(gunshot)
(upbeat jazz music)
- It's time once again
for a Laugh-in fable.
In ancient days, a man
walking in the forest saw a lion,
(chuckles) suffering
from a thorn in his paw.
The man pulled it out.
(clicks tongue)
Applause, applause.
Many months later, a
captured lion was placed
in the gladiator's arena
with a helpless man,
and guess what?
(chuckles) The lion ate this man
just like he ate the one
who pulled out the thorn.
(audience laughs)
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
- One.
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
Two.
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
Three.
(insect buzzes)
(smack)
Five!
- Henry, what happened to four?
- She died happy.
(snare drum roll)
(boing)
(upbeat jazz music)
(sobbing)
- There, there honey.
What's the matter?
- Oh Miss Frickert, were you
ever in love with a two-timer?
- Many times, years ago.
But nowadays I'd settle
for much less, three times,
four times, I don't care how
unfaithful they are! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- And now folks, another
episode in our frivolous fantasy
of the fabulous Farkel Family
with Fred Farmer as
Farkel, Farmer Farkel.
Francis Fogle is Frannie Farkel,
Fritz Fingle is Mark Farkel.
And featuring
America's own Billy Box
as Ferd Berthel
and me Fern Frankle,
Fern Frankle as Sparkle Farkel.
(audience laughing)
This week's chapter is
entitled A Visit From The Police.
- Ferd, good friend
and trusted neighbor,
there was a sneak thief in
the neighborhood last night.
- Frank's right, Ferd.
- I heard, Fannie.
- Ferd heard, Frank.
- I heard Ferd heard, Fannie.
(knocking at door)
- Ah, Frank Farkel here.
- I'm Officer Phil McCorkel.
- Phil McCorkel.
- Frank Farkel?
- Yes welcome
in the house, Phil.
Officer McCorkel I'd like
you to meet the family.
That's Fannie Farkel.
Fannie Farkel, Phil McCorkel.
There's Martin, Sparkle Farkel,
twins, Simon and Gar Farkel,
and her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- Farkels, Phil McCorkel.
- And this is our good
friend and trusted neighbor,
Ferd Berthel.
Phil, Ferd, Ferd, Phil.
- What's up, Phil?
- Well we caught what
we think is the sneak thief
in the neighborhood,
a desperate, wild-eyed,
buggy looking hoodlum.
Yes, it's something else.
I'll bring him in for you.
Come in here, you little devil!
Come on in now,
get ahold of yourself!
Get ahold of yourself.
Yes, you have got
ahold of yourself.
Alright, stand over
there, away from the plant.
You might kill it.
(audience laughs)
Alright now, take your time.
- Hi!
- Well, what do you say?
- I'm sorry, it doesn't
look like anybody
we've ever seen, sorry.
- You're sorry?
- No I'm Frank.
- Berthel?
- Farkel.
- Hi!
- Tune in next week, folks,
when we'll hear Ferd
Berthel say to Phil McCorkel...
- That's a mighty
fine looking thief
you've got there, McForkel.
- That's McCorkel.
- I'm sorry.
- No you're Ferd.
- I'm Frank Farkel.
- I'm Fannie Farkel.
- I'm Mark Farkel.
- I'm Sparkle Farkel.
- And we're the Farkel twins.
- I'm Simon Farkel.
- I'm Gar Farkel.
- Simon.
- And Gar Farkel.
- [Both] We're Farkels.
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
- I think you all are.
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(boing)
(audience laughs)
- I understand that brave
men run in your family.
- It couldn't be truer.
(steel scrapes)
- How does it feel to
cross swords with Rosefort,
the greatest
swordsman in all France?
- How do you feel
about trying to catch
one of the brave men
that run in my family?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Fannie.
- Farkel.
- And me, I'm Phil McCorkel.
And I'm taking this whole
Farkel family to the picky.
- That's pokie.
- I'm sorry.
- Hi!
- I think you all are.
- They sure are.
- Oh!
Wouldn't it be
wonderful sometime
to get the Farkels and
the Frickerts together
for a friendly fish
fry Friday, hmm?
- Wanna see my flounder?
(audience laughs)
- Well, we all
have our hang ups.
(flute music)
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
There is a man in this
town who is not French.
He is a spy.
I am going to run him
through with my sword.
Do you know who he is?
- Listen, if I knew you'd
be the first guy I'd tell.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Oh Miss Frickert,
there's an old man
who keeps annoying me.
What should I do?
- Well my dear, there are
three things that you must do.
First, you must
stay in the house.
Second, you must
lock yourself in.
And third, you must
introduce me to him.
(audience laughs)
What, I said something?
- Hi kids!
(audience laughs)
Oh hi there, you
little sweethearts!
This is Uncle Al, Kiddie's pal,
Hello little friends, hello.
(coughs)
Uncle Al doesn't
feel so well, today.
- [Melissa] Why Uncle Al?
- Well Melissa, Uncle Al had
a lot of medicine last night.
(audience laughs)
I didn't think I could
pull it off, frankly.
But I'm here!
And today we're gonna tell
you all about the Brownies!
Oh, isn't that exciting?
Just terrific, isn't it?
First, every little boy
should join the Brownies.
- [Melissa] Uncle,
that's little girls!
- OK, then every little
boy should join the girls!
(audience laughs)
- [Children] Cub Scouts!
- Yes, that's what it is.
OK, the Cub Scouts, and
when they have their meeting,
the daddies teach the
Brownies how to cook!
- [Melissa] No,
that's the mommies!
The mommies teach the Brownies.
- Ah, that's right, Melissa.
I'll tell this, do you mind?
- When they have the meetings,
the daddies teach the
mommies how to cook,
and they show you how to
bake chocolate dough in a pan!
And you get Girl Scout cookies!
- [Melissa] Oh no,
that's Brownies!
- I said it was gonna
be Brownies, didn't I?
(water splashes)
Get Miss Twinkle on the phone!
(playful music)
- [Boy] I love you, Uncle Al!
- If I was 20 years younger,
I'd take that Uncle
Al out and roll him!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wish that old
broad would get lost.
(audience laughs)
When I finish all my food
My mommy gives me a treat
But when I'm a little naughty
This is what I have
to repeat Gee whiz
What's the news
across the nation
Oh darn We have got
the information Oh boy
In a way came up
with the news Yous
(audience laughs)
Golly We give you
our views La da dee da
Ladies and gentlemen
Laugh-In looks at the
news Here's Uncle Dan
(audience applauds)
- Oh boy, Uncle Dan, I love you!
- I want a sucker!
(audience laughs)
- And now with the
news of the present,
here's the man for whom
the news wouldn't be the news
without the news!
Shirley, here's Dicky!
(audience applauds)
(big band music)
(clears throat)
- The manufacturers of
Mother Farkel's Chicken Soup
conforming to recently
passed regulations
requiring an accurate
statement of ingredients
now label their
product as follows.
Acetoxiphenol, 40%,
(audience laughs)
Stanici chloride,
3%, Phosphenes,
29%, and polymers,
12%, plus a little
piece of chicket.
Chicken!
The Pentagon today
revealed the results
of an experimental
program in which birds
equipped with miniature cameras
are trained to
photograph military targets.
At the head of the class
was a homing pigeon
who had completed
three dozen missions,
resulting in 36
photographs of a statue
of General Stonewall Jackson.
(audience laughs)
Okay, Goldie, sell it!
(snare drum roll)
(gavel hit)
- How much am I offered
for this lovely podium?
Do I hear 10 dollars?
Do I hear five dollars?
Do I hear, what?
- Goldie, when
he said, "Sell it,"
he didn't mean the
podium, he meant me.
- OK folks, how
much am I offered
for this old Dan Rowan here?
Do I hear 10
dollars, five dollars?
- Did you say this
old Dan Rowan?
- (laughs) Nothing personal.
Three dollars!
Sorry Dan, no takers.
You know we should
have stuck with the podium.
- Should have stuck...
- Do I hear three dollars?
(audience laughs)
- You little auctioneer, you.
Anaheim, 1990,
Principal Josh Golden
of the Southern California
Elementary School declared today,
"Since we instituted our
sex education program,
"we found an unusual situation.
"Four members of
our eighth grade class
"are now also
members of the PTA."
(audience laughs)
You got to be teachers, you see.
The Indians were finally forced
to move off Alcatraz today.
The Bureau of
Indian Affairs said
the reason the
Indians had to leave
was that their singing and
dancing disturbed the neighbors.
(audience laughs)
And that the discovery
of oil on the island
had nothing to do with the
breaking of that age-old treaty.
(audience laughs)
1990, the 30th Annual
Convention of Television Censors
opened today (old car
horn) hotel in Miami, Florida.
Highlight of the (old
car horn) convention
came when the (old car
horn) president, Don Rowe,
danced totally
(old car horn) with a
(old car horn) clad
showgirl (old car horn)
at the top of his (old
car horn) that old favorite
(old car horn) in
the (old car horn).
(audience laughs)
- And now for a
tasteful Laugh-in feature,
we go to the office
of the governor.
Thank you.
(loud creak)
(audience laughs)
- Sir, as one of the
nation's leading politicians,
would you tell us
please what you think
of the far right conservatives?
- Well, I think they're
fine, dedicated men
who stick to the courage
of their convictions.
And have the honesty
and guts to stand up
for what they believe in.
- Uh huh, and what
about the far left liberals?
- Mmm, I can admire those
individuals who take a position
on principle and with
unflagging devotion,
state their views and
promote their ideals
with integrity and conviction.
- And may I quote
you on this, sir?
- No, no.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, mystery fans.
Here's Ruth with the truth
about Hollywood's youth.
(giggles) Now that's cute.
(giggles) Here's
today's hot item.
Hollywood's ideal
married couple,
Neile Adams and Marty Ransohoff,
had their first spat
today in a supermarket
where they started
throwing things at each other.
He was in the fruit
section (giggles)
and she was in the dairy case.
And in no time,
everything was peaches
and cream between them.
(audience laughs)
That's it for now. (giggles)
Tune in again next
week for more low down
on the higher ups in
Tinseltown. (laughs)
Live from Buzzie.
La da dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(upbeat xylophone music)
(change clinks)
(lid thunks)
(audience laughs)
(deep inhale)
(metal thudding)
(change clinks)
(metal crashes)
(audience laughs)
(boing)
- Hi, I'm Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
Do you wish to fight
inside or outside?
- For you, inside.
For me, outside.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal, Miss Tomlin again.
I don't want to even
think that you hung.
Well, mister, pardon me?
Would I stop
mispronouncing your name?
Well, how do you say it?
Vidal?
(audience laughs)
G. Vidal?
Not Gore Vidal?
Gore Vidal, author of that
trashy, pornographic book
Myra Breckenridge, soon
to be a major motion picture
by 20th Century Fox? (snorts)
Well I'll bet your
mother's proud of you.
(audience laughs)
Well, of course I read it.
And when the other girls
in the office finished it,
we had it burned.
Just tell me what
right have you got
to impose your vulgar
degeneracy n the American people?
Artistic merit. (snorts)
What's so artistic about a
man who turns into a woman?
I sound like a good
bet for the lead?
(audience laughs)
Maybe he was serious.
This could be my big break.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(playful music)
- The Ox is Not a
Lox, by Henry Gibson.
(hums)
Most people think
that the ox is a square
But I think that he's not
His swing seat grooves
on his tiny little hooves
And he only smokes
filter-tip poppy seeds
(audience laughs)
With corn silk And
sesame seeds, too
(audience laughs)
- A rose by any other
name would smell as sweet.
- Oh, I don't know.
Now, would your girl still
love you if instead of roses,
you sent her a bouquet
of a dozen nellies?
- Let's find out how
important names are.
We'll try some one liners
on the subject of names.
After all, if it had been
Orville and Wilbur Ford,
we'd have nothing but
automobiles stacked up
all over the airports.
(audience laughs)
- Would anyone really
fear Marvin the Ripper?
(audience laughs)
- I mean, would you
spearhead an invasion
with Dwight D. Noodleman?
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Well, the Garden of
Eden never would have been
the same had it been
occupied by, are you ready?
Adam and Zelda!
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Who'd laugh
at Laurel and Lasfogel?
(audience laughs)
- Would you revere a
man named Pope Bill?
Hmm, would ya?
- I want to ask you would the
Bible have had the same appeal
if it had been written by
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Harry?
(audience laughs)
- Now would all of gangland
have feared a Bruce Capone?
(audience laughs)
- Would anybody have
gotten out of bed if Paul Revere
had galloped through
the countryside yelling,
"The Polish are coming,
the Polish are coming?"
(audience laughs)
- And would
tourists flock to see
the leaning tower of Cleveland?
(audience laughs)
- And oh, would you be happy if
with a vice president
named Spiro T. Agnew?
- But his name
is Spiro T. Agnew.
- Yes, but are you happy?
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess Shakespeare
was wrong, right Dean?
- Right, Jerry.
(audience laughs)
(pops)
("You Make Me Feel So
Young" by Frank Sinatra)
(playful music)
- Flounder.
(drum hit)
(audience laughs)
Why, Stan and Ollie.
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(water splashes)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
Unless you tell me
who the rebel leader is,
I shall run you through.
- I refuse to tell!
(metal scrapes)
However, I will point.
(audience laughs)
(bass drum hit)
- Alright now, before
we go to the party,
I want to remind
you to call me tonight!
- OK, but in case I forget,
you call and remind me.
- But what if I forget?
- Don't worry I'll call
and remind you. (laughs)
- You know what
you reminded me of?
- What?
- We gotta go to the party!
- OK. (laughs)
(audience applauds)
(upbeat pop music)
- At the last party I went to,
there was a 300 pound girl
wearing a see through blouse.
You could see anything you like.
Trouble is you didn't like
anything you could see.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- I needed a flu shot,
so I asked the doctor
to inoculate me where
nobody could see it.
So, tonight I'm going
up to his apartment!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Boris really likes
my new apartment.
Everything except
the dishwasher.
Boris says he has
got to go. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Goldie, what...
- What?
Now that I have
your attention...
- Little spasm, what?
- Is that what it was?
- Yeah. (laughs)
- What are you, what are
you, I forgot the question.
What do you think of
the population explosion?
- Well you know what,
it doesn't bother me a bit
because I wear earplugs.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Well kids, a terrible
thing happened.
I just dropped my
latest statue of Moses
receiving the stone tablets.
Do you realize I broke all
ten commandments at once?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- It's easy to prepare
for judgment day.
Just think of bible studies
as cramming for your finals.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Let's kiss and make up.
- Make up what?
- Oh I don't know, maybe
the kiss'll give us some ideas.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- My son has a
perfect right to complain
about that mess
around the house.
I told him not to marry her.
(upbeat pop music)
- You know Mr. Rosmenkel,
you dancing fool, you.
Do you know that in America,
people are free to protest
and criticize our government?
- Oh, Mr. Rowan, it's
same thing in old country.
- Oh yeah?
- Free to protest and criticize
your government. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Say Jeremy, would you
like to go back to England
with an American wife?
- Well I'd be delighted!
As long as it was alright
with her American husband.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know if the
number of Israeli planes
the Arabs claim to have
shot down is accurate,
Egypt has got to be
bombed by its own air force.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- When my sister told me
that her son had been
cheating in school,
well, I was unspeakably shocked.
I didn't even know
he was married.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- I hear a lot about
these protests
and I say we ought to
get behind our president!
I mean after all, if these
protesters get violent,
I want somebody in front of me.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- (laughs) Oh my
feet are, wouldn't stop.
(audience laughs)
You know I, I just
came from the Sixth Annual
Hugh O'Brian Acting
Award Competition.
- Oh yeah, what happened?
- Oh, he lost again.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
(audience applauds)
- [Principal] Suzie, your
dresses are too short.
You're untidy, late to
class, you talk too much.
You run around
with all the boys.
What kind of a teacher are you?
(audience laughs)
- Hi, Big Al here
in Switzerland.
I'm standing on top
of the Matterhorn
for the Annual Swiss Soft
Cheese Throwing Competition.
(audience laughs)
Talk about high.
Hubba hubba.
That wind goes right
through my lederhosen.
It's even cold enough
to freeze my bell.
(audience laughs)
Listen to that tinkle!
(audience laughs)
With me is Burger Gundermeister,
one of the real cheese
throwing aficionados.
Burger, would you
explain this age old contest
to our audience?
- Well, it's very simple really.
- Uh huh.
- It first started
about 500 years ago
as a combination of
sanct and yodeling.
It is done using this
spring board here.
(speaks foreign language)
(audience laughs)
- It looks clean to me.
- Made of the best Swiss
pine, you understand?
My brother cut it himself
out of a little tiny dock.
(audience laughs)
You bend the board back like so.
You see?
(audience laughs)
Yeah and it serves,
you see, it's fun.
Now you place the soft
cheese, you see that?
On the board and release
it, whoosh, into the wind.
(laughs)
- Where does the
yodeling come in?
- The rules are as soon as
the cheese is flying, you yodel.
(yodels)
(audience laughs)
You must remain
in the same position
until you hear the
echo of your voice.
You understand?
- Yes.
- The stronger you are, (laughs)
the further the board
will fling the cheese.
(laughs)
- Well!
That certainly
seems simple enough.
Now you're going to
see your own Big Al
put his giant muscles and
eloquent yodeling voice
to the test.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you struck me a little.
Love good here now.
I had bursis now it's gone.
- OK.
- One thing more, as
soon as you hear the echo,
you must take
one step to the left.
- You got it.
OK, here goes.
(wood thunks)
(wind whooshing)
- Oh, good cheese!
- Oh thanks, Burger.
Say, what's that
step to the left for?
- One, two, three.
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- That's terrible!
That's cheese!
Well that's it for today, ta ta!
(audience laughs)
(triumphant horn music)
- Well as they used to
say on My Little Margie,
it's time now for the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.
- Well tell me, who gets
the potent prober this time?
- I'm just about to tell you,
the United States
Department of the Air Force.
- They go a little wild in
the old blue yonder did they?
- Well in a way, yes.
Mr. A E Fitzgerald,
the top efficiency expert
for the Air Force
said that the cost
of the C five A transport
project would go
two billion dollars over budget.
- Ah ha, so the Air
Force commended him
for his good work, huh?
- Well not quite.
You see Mr. Fitzgerald
blamed the extra cost
on bad management and
inadequate cost control
on the part of the Air Force,
and he said so before
a senate subcommittee.
- Well isn't that his job?
- Not anymore.
- He got fired for that?
- Well, not according to
the Air Force spokesman.
- Well it sounds like
he got fired for that.
- Well no you see,
what the Air Force did
was to eliminate his job.
- He got fired
for that, alright.
- And Air Force Secretary
Robert Seamans said
that Mr. Fitzgerald's
job was abolished
in an effort to save money.
- Oops, watch it Mr. Secretary,
you know what
happened to Mr. Fitzgerald
for trying to save money.
- You better be careful.
So here it is, Air
Force Department.
Take good care of it.
- With proper management
and adequate cost control,
this can really
help you take off.
(audience laughs)
- I am Rosefort, the
greatest swordsman
and pistol shot in all France.
Do you choose swords or pistols?
(playful music)
- Hmm.
I'll choose the pistol.
You can have the sword.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Roof!
(audience laughs)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
(steel scrapes)
How would you like the
taste of cold, French steel?
- I prefer warm
milk and cookies.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- There's a lot of
things for old folks to do.
Like go to the
library after lunch
and listen to the
Reader's Digest.
(audience laughs)
- Well tonight,
ladies and gentleman,
Laugh-in's going to
salute the American tourist.
You know Americans
love to travel,
anything from a
short weekend jaunt
to a trip around the world.
- Trip around the world?
- Yeah, wouldn't that be fun?
Wouldn't you like to take
a trip around the world?
- What and fall off the edge?
(audience laughs)
- Now everybody knows you don't.
Columbus and the
astronauts proved that!
- I didn't even know
they knew each other.
- No I mean basically
the world is round.
You see those pictures when
they took them from the moon?
The poles are slightly flat.
- Oh, it's probably
something in their diet.
- Oh, come on!
The world is round, it's a ball!
- I'll drink to that!
- Yeah, let's all drink to that
as we salute the
American tourist.
So they call it gay Paris
It's not necessarily
I have found at any rate
Gay Paris is very straight
And pretty great,
too (audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- I didn't like Hong Kong.
I just couldn't seem
to get oriented.
(audience laughs)
- You know, Dick, I
hear that today in Russia,
things are much better.
People can say what they want.
- Well, let's ask this old lady.
Excuse me, what do you think
of the present
Russian government?
(loudly hushes)
- I like it!
(audience laughs)
Hope I didn't get
any on your shoes.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat pop music)
- Oh, I'm so fascinated
by these old Greek ruins!
- Ah, me too.
- Particularly that
one over there.
- Yeah you know, but I still
wonder what Jackie sees in him.
(audience laughs)
You take a cruise
to the Virgin Isles
You could just abound
for miles and miles
But I gotta tell
you just the same
That's a pretty silly
name For an island
That's a pretty
silly name (laughs)
Oh, I'm a naughty broad.
(audience laughs)
- Well moving right along with
our look at American tourists
I think that we should...
- You know, I'm so
glad you asked me
because the thing
that I've done...
I have been absolutely,
there's no place in the whole...
I think I've been
probably, I've traveled...
There's the thing, the place...
I've seen so many because,
my friend, when I had...
The time I went to
Tijuana, I didn't drink,
but when I came across...
I was gonna go
across the border,
and I was gonna
smug something...
I wasn't really gonna smug,
but when I, I had some...
They said to me,
well, and I had...
They thought I had
concealed in my,
maybe somewhere
on my per, but I didn't...
They said, "Well take
off all your," and I couldn't.
I said, "This is absolutely..."
I wasn't gonna because it was...
The little room,
it was kind of...
They were
breathing, things blow,
and I didn't want to because
if I was standing there
totally, I didn't
because and if...
And I didn't and I,
there was nothing stuck,
and I didn't have anything
because if I had I
wouldn't have to work
when I went to college.
If I had something I could
have brought, I wouldn't of
and I could've
dissed, but I didn't.
The things I have, I've seen.
I have been, I
just, I can think of.
I have been so many.
It's, it's, I've been,
I've just seen about
everything there is.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles)
- Hello, we're the Billings.
We're here for your
weekend special.
This advertisement
says weekend special,
four days, two nights,
including a free mixed drink.
- And dinner for two
and a complete floor show
and 20 dollars worth
of free chips to gamble.
- That's right, darling.
And they said I'd be guaranteed
to leave as a happy man.
- Hmm, well you bet
ya, Mr. and Mrs. Billings.
(bell dings)
Front boy, that always
brings him right here.
(audience laughs)
Will you come this way?
(audience laughs)
It's just a short
distance, right over here.
Here we are.
- Sit over there, darling.
(screams)
- Place your bets, please.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute!
I was supposed to get 20
dollars worth of free chips!
Where are they?
- Here you are, sir.
Would you be kind enough,
pussycat, to pick a card?
10 of diamonds, if you can.
- No, no, no, ace of spades.
- Sorry, you lose.
Mine.
The winning card was
the 10 of diamonds.
That's a lesson
for you and for you
in the game of cards.
Well, I see that
dinner is served.
Yes, dinner is served.
Step right this way.
- We just sat down.
- I don't know what's going on.
I've never been here before.
(jazzy piano music)
- Good evening, how
many in your party?
- Two.
We have two, darling and myself.
- Let me see if we have a
table for two, I'm not quite sure.
Tremendous crowd
here this evening.
Here you can see it's fantastic.
I didn't think either it
was getting so crowded.
Table for two, is it?
Right this way, please.
Yes, oh well I
can feel it now, yes
(audience laughs)
Your waiter will be
here momentarily.
Hello there, I'm your waiter.
What do you want, huh?
I'm gonna lay it on you.
What do you want?
Speak up lady, lay it on me.
I'm gonna put you on a couple
of drinks, somethin' to eat.
I'm gonna tear your face off.
- We're supposed
to have a free drink!
(audience laughs)
- What are you saying,
somethin' with a little funky hat on.
Take it off, man!
You're in some class place.
I'm gonna give you a drink.
Yeah, come on, pay attention.
Yeah, I'm gonna give
you something else.
Yeah, how's that?
- But you said a mixed drink!
- It's mixed ain't it now?
- There we go, we're
gonna have din-din, too kids.
You gonna eat up, now.
There you go, there's din-din.
- But it's supposed
to be for two!
- Everything's for two, OK.
You gonna correct
me one more time.
(knife thunks)
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- And now show time!
I'm gonna lay it on you.
- Showtime?
- Hi everybody! (giggles)
And now ladies and gentleman,
the comedy sensation
of our show! (giggles)
Hello, yes thank you, now
you take my wife, please.
Thank you, and good night.
(audience laughs)
- What is this?
We paid 50 bucks
for this swindle?
I've got a fish in my drink.
- We've been robbed
every step of the way!
- Wait a minute, you
people are causing a scene.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
- On top of that you
said I was gonna leave
here a happy man!
I'm not a happy man!
- Would you like to stay longer?
- I certainly would not, I'll
be happy to get out of here!
- Ah, there you are,
just as advertised.
Front, front!
(audience laughs)
Let me show you an experience.
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- I'm not kidding
I'm gonna, come on!
If you should tour Tijuana
Keep off the flora and fauna
But don't touch the water
or somebody's daughter
And stay off the Marijuana, ole
- Boy, and those
Scandinavian countries swing.
Do you know that in Sweden,
they practice free love?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- You're kidding!
- Would I kid thee?
- Well let's go!
We don't want to
be late for practice!
(audience laughs)
You ought to be in Amsterdam
So much to see in Amsterdam
Depending of course on
your taste and your likes
There are windmills
and tulips and
And lots of canals
- Well, travel's
wonderful, but it's still true,
there's no place like home.
- Yup, that's true
and particularly
if her husband's out of town.
- Now this late item.
President Roosevelt
has announced,
hey this is a late item!
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(audience laughs)
(punches)
(audience laughs)
- Nave, do you know that
when I run you through
with cold steel you will die.
- No, but maybe if
you whistle a few bars
I'll try and join in.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal?
It's me again, Miss Tomlin
of the phone company.
You know what you
said about your lead
in the dirty movie?
Were you serious?
(audience laughs)
Well no, no, nothing you
could really call experience.
But once I did, I played
Captain Hook in grade school.
(audience laughs)
Well I could get together
just to talk things over.
We really shouldn't
speak over the phone.
They're always
listening in. (snorts)
(audience laughs)
Well, 10 minutes, I'll be there.
A favor for you, Gore?
Anything, just name it.
Oh that's easy,
I'll bring that along.
I'll see you soon, Sugs.
(audience laughs)
Phoenicia?
Phoenicia, this is Earnestine.
Listen, I have to
run out for a while,
but before I go, would
you do me a favor?
Send up the file on
William F. Buckley.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(playful music)
- Frickert.
- Maude Frickert,
meet the Farkels.
- Hi Farkels, I'm a Frickert.
Don't forget
Friday's the fish fry.
- I'm Ferd.
- You're darn right you are.
- And her.
- Hi!
I touched her on the leg in
She didn't scream 'til
Bloomdale was near
Mighty (audience laughs)
I'd like to know who
your shoemaker is.
(audience laughs)
(hums)
My dear Miss Hornsby.
It would not behoove a
woman of your haute couture
to react in so a
demeaning a manner.
That won't be necessary
anymore, my dear.
You see it has
become apparent to me
that my unsought four
overtures have become
repugnant to your
sensitive nature.
Hence in the future,
I shall refrain from
further liberties
with your quietude.
Forbid you, Godspeed.
(sings)
Come now.
How would like to
join me in my quarters?
- Oh!
- Now, how would you like
to join me in your quarters?
- Why you!
(audience laughs)
- How would you like to
join my quarters together?
(audience laughs)
(purse thuds)
- If he can't have me,
he can't have anybody!
(audience laughs)
(boing)
- I am Rosefort, the greatest
swordsman in all France.
I am now going to teach you
a lesson you will never forget.
Patty cake, patty
cake, baker's man.
(audience laughs)
- Alright now, call to order.
You're probably wondering
why I called y'all
here today, right?
It's time us Eskimos organized
to have our demands heard.
- What demands?
- Well that's just it.
We don't have any demands!
All the other minorities
have organized
and are making demands.
- [Woman] Well,
we're not a minority.
- What do you mean?
- Well look around, I mean
all you ever see up here
is Eskimos, nothing but
Eskimos and polar bears.
The polar bears,
now there's a minority!
- Well let's organize them.
- Shut up, you listen to me.
Put the fish down.
(audience laughs)
It's fake anyway.
(audience laughs)
It's time we stopped
being treated like this!
- Like what?
Who are we gonna
picket, the weather man?
(laughs)
- Oh you, you old
caucasian, you.
First we need a slogan.
Anyone got any ideas?
- How about blue is beautiful?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no I think a better one.
How about cold power?
- Ah, good.
Now we need a leader.
- You are leader.
- Oh!
- Yeah, but you think
anyone will believe
a man with a name
like Spiro Igloo?
(audience laughs)
- What'll our demands be?
- Well first, no
more frozen dinners.
- Wow.
- Applause, applause.
No more having someone tell us
we can't have
pre-marital nose rubbing.
(yelling)
Remember last September?
That go together.
(laughs)
That's all you do up here,
couple little rhymes
and go back to bed.
(audience laughs)
Well let's start our
protest march on noon.
(wind gust)
Oh look!
Me first!
(audience laughs)
On second thought,
door is still open.
(audience laughs)
On second thought,
let's start with a sit in.
(audience laughs)
You.
(laughs)
- We'll sit around
and chew the fat.
(laughs)
Sorry, I said it.
(wind gust)
- Meanwhile in
another part of town,
Fibber McGee and
Molly were celebrating
Fibber's victory in
the three-legged race.
As we join them, Molly says...
Back in my homeland
We have this beautiful love song
Perhaps you
might like to hear it
The words are nice To sing
I'd like to learn it
If you would teach me to sing it
Then we could sing it together
You'll please follow Me
(singing in foreign language)
This word mean I appreciate
you very, very much.
Okay now I will sing and
you help translation, alright?
- Yeah.
(singing in foreign language)
Tractors in my bedroom
(singing in foreign language)
Cabbage in my pillow
(singing in foreign language)
You're a lovely poodle puppy
I guess I haven't
got the words right
But I know the tune (laughs)
You're very charming
You've got a manner
most disarming
I've given up collective farming
To be with people
who are really nice
Like you (singing
in foreign language)
You're a lovely person
(singing in foreign language)
I am glad I met you
(singing in foreign language)
And I do love poodle
puppies Oh Miss Goldie
I appreciate you very, very
Thank you, dear
Mr. Rosemenkel, very, very
This means I appreciate you
Very, very much
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughs)
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience applauds)
- Well folks, as Harry
Babbitt used to say,
once again it's that time...
- It may be time for you,
but not for me.
Not until about oh two,
three in the morning.
- No, no I was just about to say
it's time to say goodnight.
- That's what I'm talking about.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight.
- Alright, but first I'd
like to say thank you
to the armed forces of America.
The protectors and
defenders of our country
and freedom around the world.
- Well, by golly, I'm
sure they appreciate that.
- Thank you and especially
to one particular whack
who taught me the true
meaning of field maneuvers.
- I don't want to hear this.
What is that?
- See I met this whack down
in San Diego last weekend.
- In San Diego?
San Diego's a navy port,
she's probably a wave.
- A what?
- Wave.
- Say goodnight, Dick
for one evening, will you?
- Good night, Dick
and goodnight Lieutenant
Bubbles Pannich, wherever you are.
See you about two
or three in the morning.
- Yeah, goodnight everybody.
(audience laughs)
(big band music)
- Did you hear about
Mickey Rooney?
He walked into a rock.
- No, what happened?
- He stubbed his nose.
(laughs)
- Henry?
- Uh huh?
- Nowadays, as soon as a
show biz personality gets big,
they go into politics.
What do you want to be, Henry?
- Well, first of all,
I'd like to be big!
- Oh, I get it! (laughs)
- Well, I went to my first
black tie party last week,
and I've never been more
embarrassed in my life!
Everyone else was
wearing clothes!
(audience laughs)
- Ah, Dick what did you
uh, uh, college? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- [Goldie] That isn't doing it.
- In college...
- That's easy for you to say!
(audience laughs)
- In college, what
did you letter in?
- Well I let her in my
dorm, I let her in my car...
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, did you hear
about the rooster
who showed a football
to his hens, and he said,
(crows)
"I just want you to see what
the other chickens are doing."
(audience laughs)
- I know a guy who's so lazy,
he married his
first wife's sister
so he wouldn't have to
break in a new mother-in-law.
(audience laughs)
- I don't understand it
why these radicals go
around planting bombs.
They'll never grow.
(audience laughs)
- Now how do you
make an apple turnover?
- Tell him he's an
hour late for work.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- Last Sunday in church
the sermon was all about
the sins on gambling.
It lasted so long,
we had to cancel
our scheduled bingo game.
(audience laughs)
- Do you think there's
intelligent life on Mars?
- Oh there must be.
You don't see them
wasting billions of dollars
to see if there's life on Earth.
(audience laughs)
- No, I'm not gonna laugh.
- You know I'm all for sex
education books in schools,
and I think sex
education movies are fine,
but all this on the job
training is going too far, gang!
(audience laughs)
- Do you know that light
travels 1165 miles an hour?
Thousand miles an hour.
No wonder it takes so fast
to get up in the morning.
(door thuds)
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Goldie! (laughs)
- I'm getting sick,
I have a cold.
- Oh.
- My head's kind of funny.
(audience laughs)
- We didn't know it was a cold.
- No.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(flute music)
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- Perfect, I love it!
- I am Rosefort,
and I have the fastest
and sharpest
blade in all France.
What do you say to that?
- Rosefort, maybe you
could trim my mustache.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting, but asinine.
What is lacking
is true discipline.
- Hi there!
Would you like to
show an old swinger
some of the
sights, little soldier?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh!
Goodies are happening
all over my body!
(audience laughs)
- She's been in the
trenches too long.
Those aren't goodies,
those are cooties!
(audience laughs)
Well, we could start
with a bunker you old...
- Good, well I have
a little something
in my knit bag in case
it gets chilly down there.
For the toy bulldog.
(audience laughs)
- Nice things, you ought
to put it over your head.
(audience laughs)
Very strange the things
the USO sends us troops.
Well, good night, Lucy.
Tonight as always,
you are beautiful.
And Gary, you are as always.
And if you don't stop
eating my shoe old lady,
I'm gonna kick you in the mouth!
(audience laughs)
(person clapping)
(bell tones)