Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 16 - Episode #3.16 - full transcript

Guest James Garner appears as a police officer, an Indian, and someone thrown into jail. The cast finds the voice of the "Silent Majority." Mod World focuses on the American Indian.

- [Voiceover] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

From time to time,

the level of taste on
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In

has been a subject of
great concern for many of us.

That is why I,

as an inherently
tasteful person,

have formed a group
of mature, concerned,

and very effete intellectuals,

who will, tastefully,
dedicate themselves



to watching over this
hotbed of blatantly bawdy,

rebellious and weird persons.

To see that, in the future,

none of our sensibilities
or sensitivities,

shall ever be offended again.

From here on,
ladies and gentlemen,

you may be assured

of a more tasteful
Monday evening,

don't you see?

Thank you.

(audience laughs)

- I understand you
race cars, Mr. Garner.

- That's right, Goldie, I do.

- It must be hard on your feet.



(audience laughs)

- Nevertheless, if Rhonda
Fleming married Peter Fonda,

and opened up a motorcycle shop,

her products would be known as,

Rhonda Fonda's Hondas.

- Mr. Garner, you're probably
the handsomest actor in the

whole business.

- What about Steve McQueen?

- Mr. Garner, you're probably
the second handsomest

actor in the whole business.

(audience laughs)

- Oh boy, when
you're number two,

you gotta try harder.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Welks, you're gonna
go far in this organization.

You have the right attitude.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, man!

What's the matter with you?

Didn't you see that no
smoking sign in there?

(audience laughs)

(banging drum)

- Toy boat, toy boat, toy
boat, toe beat, toy boat,

toy boat.

- I didn't wanna
say anything Goldie,

but it think you're toy boat
was just sunk by a U-boat.

(laughs)

What you laugh at?

- What is a U-boat?

- That's not your
boat, that's my boat.

(laughing)

- You got me.

(horn honking)

- From the School
of Animal Husbandry,

and Marriage Counseling in
beautiful downtown Burbank,

NBC promises you anything,

but gives you Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

With special guest
star James Garner.

And special regulars
Arte Johnson,

with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Alan Sues,

Jo Ann Worthley.

- Worley! That's
Worley as in bird.

- Jo Ann Worley, Worley.

Teresa Graves, Pamela Rodgers,

Jeremy Lloyd, and Lily Tomlin,

and Stu Gilliam, and
me, I'm Gary Owens,

a friend of Ferd, Frank
and the Farkel family.

- Hold on, folk!

Two minutes and 27 seconds
into the first show of the new

year, and powee!

NBC's gonna sock
it to us already.

Are you ready for that?

(audience laughing)

(band music)

- Fester.

- That's Festus.

- And me, I'm Ferd Berfel.

- Hi!

- I think they all are.

- And now, the dancing
sensation of ladies night

in the Burbank Turkish
bath, James Garner.

- In an attempt to
bring truth to television,

I must say I do not dance,

but I am a bit of a
sensation in a Turkish bath.

- Well I don't know why
anyone would wanna take a bath

with a turkey, with all those
feathers and everything

blocking up the drain.

(audience laughs)

- Which brings us, logically,

to those two lovable gobblers,

Dan Turkey and Dick Feathers.

- Look! There
they are over there.

Gotcha!

(chuckles)

Just me.

James?

(band music and
audience applause)

- Hold it down.

- Oh I can't believe...
Hold it down.

- A warmer reception,

maybe in Omaha,
you remember that?

- Oh yeah, that was.

- Big, big reception.

I saw you yesterday
at the race tracks.

- That's funny, I was there.

- That's the reason I saw you.

Did you win any races?

- I didn't even enter any.

(audience laughs)

- No, you ding, dong,

I mean did you have
any luck with your bets?

- No, but I had a lot of
luck in the cocktail lounge.

(laughing)

- You know, there's a lot of
people who go to the track,

make a few bets,
and see the horses.

- Yeah, I saw a horse once.

I like ladies better.

They're a lot
shorter, for one thing.

- The ladies are shorter.

- Yeah, and they're a
lot easier to dance with.

(laughing drowns out speaker)

Ever try to put a harness
on Ginger Rogers?

- No. No.

Furthermore, you ever try
to sneak a horse into a hotel?

- Never did.

- Bridle suite, please.

Doesn't work.

- Didn't you watch any races?

- Yeah, I watched a great one.

- You did, huh?

- Yeah, the lady jockey.

- I should have known.

- Topless.

- A topless lady jockey?

- Yep. When that
guy yells, "They're off!"

he ain't kidding.

(audience laughs)

- Well, listen I...

- Everybody bet on her to show.

- Including you.

- I put $10 on the nose.

- Almost afraid to
ask how she did.

- Well, fantastic.

Right from the start,

you could see that she
was way out in front to stay.

- Oh, good for her.

- She made a stretch
run you wouldn't believe.

- She win?

- No, but it was kinda close.

- Would you say
she lost by a neck?

- No, much closer than that.

- Sort of a photo finish.

- Yeah, and I can hardly
wait to see how the picture

turned out.

- It's gonna be a great shot.

- It's gonna be next
month's centerfold in

Sports Illustrated.

- Listen, race fans.

- Special featurette.

(bell ringing)

Speaking of winners,
isn't that tinkle a winner?

(laughing)

And now, an interview
with none other,

than one of the world's
greatest lady jockeys,

Miss Edie I Carol!

- Ha ha ha.

Hi, Big Al.

Hi there, racing fans.

- Oh, that poor horsey.

Must be exhausted.

Aren't you a little
tall for a jockey?

- No, Big Al, I'm not.

Actually, you see,

my horsey is 22 hands high.

- This comes right
out, doesn't it?

What's it like to be up
there all day on some big

old bang tail?

Come now, come now.

- As a matter of fact, I am
glad you asked that, Big Al.

- Oh really?

- You see, I just love it.

I mean, I really do.

All that galloping
around, you know.

Pushing and shoving,

jockeying for position
in the back stretch.

- Really?

- Yeah, ooh.

- Oh.

I never knew it was so
tough on a race track.

(laughs)

- What race track, honey?

I'm talkin' about
the locker room.

(audience laughs)

- I think that's enough,
thank you Edie.

So long there, sports buff.

- This is the second time
I have been on the show.

I love doing Laugh-In.

I also love doing this.

(banging)

(audience laughs)

I gotta horse in the
fifth that's ready to go,

So listen to this.

You should be rolling in dough.

(silly music)

Watch the news,
across the nation.

We have got the information.

In a way, We hope we'll amuse.

Youse.

(trumpet and piano music)

Da da da, du da da.

We just love to
give you our news.

La da dee da.

Ladies and gents.

Laugh-In looks at the news!

- Here's Dan.

(audience applause)

- Every one of 'em.

Now with the news of the press,

here's a man who knews
wouldn't be the news

without the news.

Here's Berfel!

(audience applause
and band music)

- Please, please, you'll
have to control yourselves.

Before we see
Goldie, a little news.

(audience laughing)

Using a device he designed
for the Apollo moon ship,

Dr. Carl Olson of
Palo Alto, California,

announced he had
developed a stove

that will cook one and a half
tons of chicken in one hour.

Delighted at the
news, poultry goers,

poultry growers,
too, (audience laughs)

immediately set to work

to produce a one and
one half ton chicken.

(audience laughing)

- Now, where's a one
and a half ton chicken

gonna make a nest?

- Anywhere she wants to.

- Let's face it, baby,

with a one and a
half ton chicken loose,

Colonel Sanders is got to
be scared to go out at night.

(audience laughing)

- Do you know what that
one and a half ton chicken

said to me?

- What?

- Culluck!

- How do you make soup with
a one and a half ton chicken?

- Bring Lake Erie to a boil,

and add a pinch of salt.

(audience laughing)

- Then find a flu epidemic
and a big Jewish neighborhood.

(audience laughing)

- I'll tell ya one thing.

When she clucks, that
rooster better get up and at 'em.

(laughs)

- Clluuuuuck!

- Isn't she rude?

(audience laughs)

- Now, back to the news.

The search for the
legendary Loch Ness monster,

when there was about
eight to five on that one

around the studio.

(audience laughs)

Was suddenly abandoned
today when the director

of the project explained,

first of all, I'm sure
there's nothing down there.

And secondly, it just ate
our last three submarines.

(audience laughs)

Okay, Goldie, you're on.

(drum roll)

- Thanks, Dick.

Here with the
news of the future,

is Dan Rowan.

- Well, Goldie,

that was absolutely
perfect. (Goldie singing)

I didn't mean to
interrupt your fanfare,

that was just fine.
- Are we on?

- Yeah.

- Oh. Well I have
to introduce Dan.

Here we are with the
fan and the future news,

here's Dan Rowan.

- Geez, you did it better
the first time, Goldie.

- Well, I know,
but you know, if I...

Might not have
happened, so see ya.

(audience laughs)

- I thought she had it right.

Washington, D.C. 25
years from today, 1998.

The new television
programming for our three

governmental networks,

has just been issued by
the Bureau of Censors.

The daily program will
begin with a sermonette,

followed by the federal
newscaster from the White House,

and then,

calisthenics led by the
Secretary of Physical Fitness.

In the interests of equal
time, next it is Open Forum,

when the Vice President
explain administration policies,

and how well they are doing.

Then, in a lighter vein,
it is the First Lady hour,

when she discusses fashions,

and tells you girls
what you will wear.

Following fashion, is
everybody's favorite,

the President's Daily Pep Talk.

We close the program day
when the television cameras

turn your way,

and scan your homes
for books and magazines.

(audience laughs)

Thereby, making certain you
not only see the right things,

but that you also
read the right things.

Isn't it gonna be swell?

(audience laughs)

- And now,

Laugh-In news takes you
back to 17th century Italy,

into the laboratory of Galileo,

the Father of Astronomy.

- Hello, Galileo.

- Hi, Nathan, wonderful.

How good to see you.

- How are your
experiments going, huh?

- Perfectly inventionless.

I just perfectioned
my new invention.

- Oh?

What do you call it?

- A teloscopy.

- What does it do?

- It brings things close.

For the past two days,

I've been viewing
the heavenly bodies.

- Oh yeah?

Let me see, eh?

- Sneak a peek.

(audience laughs)

How's about those craters?

- Hey, hey, hey.

This is fantastic!

How long has that little beauty

been livin' across the street?

- Since they threw her
outta the house next block up.

Ladies and gents.

Laugh-In News!

(audience applause)

- I'm Roger Moore.

If you follow the news at all,

you know it's been a
very bad year for saints.

(spring bouncing)

(bike crashes)

(motorcycle engine running)

- Gracious, good
morning, Mr. Beetle.

This is Miss Tomlin.

You know, Miss Tomlin,

you're representative from
the telephone company.

Now about this little
unpaid bill of $23.64.

Yes, yes Mr. Beetle.

I am aware that it's three a.m.,

and frankly I'm concerned
about the hours you keep.

Mr. Beetle, what you find
to do 'til three in the morning

is no business of mine.

However, we do have
a full report, here of it.

Now then, Mr. Beetle,
Mr. Beetle are you,

or are you not going to
send us a check for $23.64?

Pardon?

I can take the phone
and do what with it?

(audience laughs)

Oh, Mr. Beetle you're teasing.

You must know that as a loyal
employee of the phone company,

I wouldn't dream of
misusing the instrument.

(audience laughs)

Hello? Hello?

Mr. Beetle?

Mister, mister Beetle?

(audience laughing)

(silly music)

(band music)

Oh, Mr. Beetle. (snorts)

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- May I have a fanfare, please?

(fanfare music)

(audience laughs)

- Hear the band
hasn't lost its slip.

- No, she's still with us.

No time to dawdle, however.

I wanna bring a piece of new,

and I might add,

unique talent to television.

- One of your weird buddies

who plays bongos
with his kneecaps?

- Nope, a topless dancer.

- For a moment there, I thought
you said a topless dancer.

- For a moment, I did
say topless dancer,

but I'd like to add,
bottomless, too.

- You're kidding!

- Not for a minute.

It's time TV came out of
the Dark Ages and kept pace

with what's really
happening in our culture.

- And your culture says
it's topless dancing?

- And bottomless.

- And bottomless.

- So, here's another TV first.

(band music)

The first topless,
bottomless dancer in the raw,

no costumes added, and live.

(dance music and
audience laughing)

(bell rings)

(audience laughs)

- She heads for the dressing
room kinda quick, there.

- Come on, you teased us.

- Maybe, but I didn't lie.

- You know that bird makes a
great evening's entertainment,

dinner and dancing.

- But maybe not in that order.

(laughs)

- What is your name, you
English beauty with sideburns?

What is your name,
mouth and nose.

(laughs)

What's your name?

- Englebert Humperdinck.

- Oh, heaven, I'd love to,

but I get heartburn.

(audience laughs)

- Now that, I think,

was a tasteful presentation.

Up to the high standards
we have set for this program

in the future, don't you see.

Thank you.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, what do you say
to a couple quickies?

- Well, thank you,
generally does the trick.

- Not, I mean, how
about some quickies?

- Not while I'm driving.

- You're not driving!

- Well, in that case,

I'll have a couple
of quickies then.

- Oh, a couple quickies
you can also say hello to 'em.

(horses galloping)

(car door slams)

(car running)

(horse galloping)

(band music)

- Teresa.

Gus and I saw one of those
adult westerns last night.

- Ah, an adult..

An adult western?

What was that all about, Goldie?

- Horse-Swapping
in a Texas suburb.

(audience laughs)

- Nevertheless, I
think... (water splashes)

(audience laughs)

(car horns honking)

(whistle blowing)

(audience laughing)

(band music)

- Hey, do you wanna order now,

or you wanna wait a bit?

(audience laughs)

(traffic moving)

(band music)

- Sister Goldie,

being in the sisterhood
does have many advantages.

- I know, Sister Teresa.

Now when I get up in the
morning I don't have to spend all

that time wondering
what I'm going to wear.

(audience laughs)

(tennis ball bouncing)

(horses running)

(car horns honking)

(audience laughing)

(band music)

- Hey how about a
little after dinner drink?

(audience laughing)

(man groans)

On the house.

(audience laughs)

(crank winding)

(horses running)

(band music)

- By the by, I notice you
have a new ding in your car.

- Yeah, I told her
to wait there for me.

- No, I mean a
wrinkle in the body.

- Well, they can't all be young.

- Did you or did you not
run into someone's car?

- Well, yes, I was
walking along,

and she drove up beside me,

opened the door,
and I ran right in!

- See, there's another quickie.

- Hold on, folk.

Once again it's time
for another visit with the

fabulous, friendly,
Farkel family.

(audience laughs)

So hold on.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, I'm Frank Farkel.

You know my wife, Fanny Farkel,

and the youngsters
Martin and Sparkle Farkel,

and our twins Simon
and Gar Farkel,

and her, that's Flicker Farkel.

- Hi!

- And this is our good
and trusted neighbor,

Ferd Burfel.

Hi Ferd.

- Hi Fanny.

- Hi Ferd.

- Hi Frank.

- Hi!

- It's nice for you to drop by.

Our Little League coach,
Hank Hickles is coming over.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi there!

- Hank Hickle.

- Hey! Frank Farkel!

(audience laughs)

- Hank Hickle, my
wife Fanny Farkel.

Hank Hickle, Fanny Farkel,

this is our friend Ferd Berfel.

Ferd Berfel, Hank Hickle.

Hank, Ferd, Ferd, Hank.

- Hi!

- Howdy!

I just came by to
pick up your kids

for Little League practice.

I've got the whole
team out here.

Hey, come on in kids!

Come on!

There you are, yeah, yeah.

We've got Bert Arkel,
Merv Barkel, Bert Farkel,

Robert Gerber, Robert Gruber.

This is Mr. and Mrs.
Farkel, and Fred Burfel.

- Fine lookin' team
you've got there.

- Well, thanks Ferd.

- Say, how about my
nephew joining up?

- Huh?

Oh, well I'd love to
have him, bring him on.

- Oh Farquar!

(audience laughs)

Farquar!

- Here he is.

- Coming uncle.

(audience laughs)

- Fine lookin' nephew
you've got there, Ferd.

- Hi!

- Don't fail to tune
in next week, folks,

when we'll hear
Coach Hickle say,

- That's a fine lookin'
nephew you got there, Ferd.

- Hi!

- A Farkel a day,
keeps the barfel away.

(audience laughs)

(silly music)

(whistle blows)

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- Well, Louie, it's time.

- Oh no, no, no.

- C'mon, Louie.

- No!

- Take it like a man!

It'll be over soon.
- Give me time, please.

- C'mon!
- 'Kay, 'kay, I'm ready.

- Louis, just look at yourself.

Look at that shirt, it's a mess.

And your cell, it's a pig sty.

Really, Louis, I don't
know why I bother with you.

Mother always said

that you would amount
to absolutely nothing.

You really are a mess.

- C'mon, Broom Hilda.

- When was the last time you
had your fingernails clipped.

(audience laughs)

- And a shave.

Don't you ever
take a bath in here?

(audience laughs)

(mother continues talking)

- I don't know how
you put up with that.

- Why do you think I'm here?

You don't believe this!

You don't.

(mother and cop
yelling and gunshots)

(flute music)

- If I was Elected
Vice President,

by Henry Gibson.

If I was elected Vice President,

I wouldn't give any speeches.

Oh, I might hum
or whistle a little.

(audience laughs)

- Show me a sardine
that hides in the box,

and I'll show you
a wise cracker.

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- Toy boat, toy boat,
toy boat, toy boat.

(audience laughs)

(silly music)

(water splashes)

(audience laughs)

(silly music)

(hand knocking)

(silly music)

(audience laughing)

(silly music)

(audience laughing)

(silly music)

(disco music)

- Oh, professor.

Here are the
samples of moon dust.

The astronauts
just brought it back.

- Oh at last.

Years and years I've (sniffles)

been waiting for this moment.

- Yes.

(flute music)

(audience laughs)

- I think you blew it.

- I can get bubonic plague.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, ah ha ha, Mr. Gaaaarner.

May I call you, Jim?

Big Jim? (laughs)

Listen, Jim.

After the show, what do you say,

we slip over to my place
and let me fix you a little bite?

- Well, that's very
nice, Miss Worley.

- Oh no! Wait a minute!

Uno momento.

Call me Jo Ann.

Jo Ann.

- Well, that's very nice Jo Ann.

- Ooh perfect.

- I've already had dinner,

and I'm meeting with my
agent right after the show.

- Oh well, that
really sounds boring.

But in that case, darling.

How about a little
bite right now?

(audience laughs)

- Well, you're not
doing anything else.

What do you say
we go to the party?

- I forgot to tell you, the
party's been cancelled.

- No kiddin', why is that?

- Well, I'm having
the place painted.

You wanna see?

- Yeah.

- C'mon.

(band music)

- Gotcha!

- C'mon, you're all invited.

(audience applause)

(band music)

- Gotcha.

- C'mon, we'll be
late for the party,

and I wanna have another
look at that painting.

(audience applause
and band music)

- Already this year, baby
doctors have found that the

birth control pill produces
a serious side effect.

The medical term
is, loss of income.

(audience laughs and band music)

- Our son-in-law made
a complete fool of himself

at our New Year's Eve party.

He passed out, cold, right in
the middle of my strip tease.

(audience laughs and band music)

- With so many mobile
homes these days,

they're planning
a mobile cemetery.

Now when you go,
you keep on going.

(audience laughs and band music)

- Reena dear, I say
if we must have riots,

let them be in Boston.

After all, we do get a much
better class of people there.

(audience laughs and band music)

- In our society,

folks object to
people living together

before they get married.

And after they get married,

they object to living together.

(audience laughs and band music)

- New Year's Eve,

Boris and I were
talking of getting married

and spending two
wild weeks in Bermuda.

Or was it spending two
wild weeks in Bermuda,

and then getting married?

(audience laughs and band music)

- Mr. Roman, you
know, in the old country,

we make it New
Year's Revolution.

- No, no.

You mean, resolution.

You don't know our language.

(laughs)

- Mr. Roman, we make revolution,

you don't know our country.

(audience laughs and band music)

- If I go up to your apartment,

will you promise not
to try anything funny?

- Don't you worry, I'll
be in no mood for jokes.

(audience laughs and band music)

- Hey kids.

My girlfriend and I went
to a wild masquerade party.

She went as Goliath,

and I went as the
Sistine Chapel.

By 12 o'clock, she was
stoned and I was plastered!

(audience laughs and band music)

- Well, I'll say one
thing about the pill.

It certainly takes a lot of
worry out of goin' to college.

(audience laugh sand band music)

- Dan, what would you
say is the most significant

advance in automobile
safety in the past few years?

- Ralph Nader.

(audience laughs and band music)

- Miss Goldstone.

You know, - What?

- Your government's spent
over $24 billion to send

a man to the moon.

It doesn't make it sense.

- It sure doesn't,

I mean no sooner did
you get him up there,

then they brought
him right back again.

(audience laughs and band music)

- Jeremy, in England, do
you have a blood bank?

- No, Dan, but we
do have a Liverpool.

(audience laughs and band music)

- I don't think my
boyfriend loves me.

Last night I asked him if he
thought I had a good figure,

and he spent the whole
evening groping for an answer.

We were on the
phone at the time.

(audience laughs and band music)

- You know, in the Army,

there aren't many sergeants
you can drink under the table.

But, there are a few you
can pay under the table.

(audience laughs and band music)

(audience applause)

- A lot of European women
tell me American men

make excellent
marriage partners.

But I would never marry one.

(drum roll)

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- I say Englebert?

Englebert?

Are you there?

- Yes?

- Good, he's there.

- Oh.

- You know, Englebert, music
is not what it was yesterday.

- Quite true.

As a matter of fact, Jeremy,

it's not what is
was this morning.

(audience laughs)

(silly music)

(audience laughs)

(band music)

(band music)

- We're Farkels.

- I'm Simon Farkel.

- I'm Gar Farkel.

- We're Simon and - Gar Farkel.

- We're Farkels.

- Hi!

- You're also
cuckoos and a little

(speaks a foreign language)

Think about that
one, Ferd Berfel.

- If you askded me,
that Farkel family

has too much sort of (mumbles)

And it looks like
the genes have been

(speaks in a foreign language)

Ferd told me.

(audience laughs)

(band music)

(silly music)

(paper ripping)

(audience laughing)

(drum bangs)

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

(audience laughing)

(band music)

- Ah!

What's a nice Jewish boy
like you doing with pigskin?

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- Well, tonight Laugh-In
looks at American Indians.

- Well, that's great.

You know, I'm part Indian.

- I didn't know that.

One of your forebears
was an Indian?

- No, the bears
were all Grizzlies.

My cousin Fred was the Indian.

- Fred?

- Yeah.

- That's a funny
name for an Indian.

- Well, you know
some people thought so,

but she didn't seem to mind.

(audience laughs)

- Wait, wait a minute.

Let's go back.

You have a cousin who's
an Indian girl named Fred?

- Well, you see what it is,

it's an old Indian custom.

You know, the mother names
the child for the first thing

she sees after the baby's born.

- Oh, what did
Fred's mother see?

- She saw Fred, who else?

- Oh, of course.

I should have figured that out.

- I mean, she was
right there at the time.

- Wait a minute.

You say you got
an Indian mother,

names her baby
for the first thing

she sees after the baby's born.

- Right, Pale Face.

- And you tell me this
Indian has a baby girl,

and names her Fred?

- That's right.

- Right out of a
clear, blue sky.

- Now that's her middle name.

- Huh?

- That's her middle name.

- Her middle name
is Clear Blue Sky?

- Well, the flap
was open in the tipi,

and there it was.

- Well, where did
Fred come from?

- Phoenix.

- Phoenix!

- Yep.

Now she's gone to the
Happy Hunting Ground.

- Awww, that's a pity.

- No, it's a motel in
downtown Cleveland.

- It is?

- Yeah. I forgot to tell you,

she was a Cleveland Indian.

- Yeah, you forgot that part.

Well I forgot to tell you,

it's time to visit the mod
world of the American Indian.

(drums beating)

(band music)

Thank you white man,

for all the things
you're doing for us.

How you've helped us,
you'll never really know.

You brought us
fire water, famine,

war and wholesale slaughter.

Killin' off our buffalo.

We miss them humpback devils.

Thank you, Pale Face, for
muckin' up our sky blue waters.

Thanks for housing
and putting us to work.

It takes a lotta crust to
make a hero out of Custer,

when you know
that guy was a jerk.

Except on late night movies.

Thank you for this
lovely reservation.

Desolation far as I can see.

We'll just have a
groovy celebration.

Singing songs by
Buffy Sainte-Marie.

Or George Peppard.

Thank you white man,

for giving us a beat in one pop.

Sitting bulls, now, are
more like sitting ducks.

You really took my
lot in Brooklyn, Queens

and Bronx and Staten.

Quite a haul for 24 bucks.

You deserve the traffic.

Things have gotten
glum and gloomy

by the shores of
Kitch and Goomy.

White man hasn't seemed
to want us since John Smith

got Pocahontas.

Even though we haunted
their first jubilee that

you were here first.

Mister Pale Face,
you better go whoooo!

- How.

- If I knew how, I wouldn't be
doing this stupid war dance.

(audience clapping and laughing)

(disco music)

- For a week, the
Indians did a snake dance.

The next week, the
Indians did a rain dance.

The third week,
it rained snakes.

(audience laughs)

- Well, today is the day.

I better check this
letter one more time.

"Dear Chief Rainwater,

since the Powhatan
Indian Reservation

qualifies as a federally
financed real estate development,

you are hereby required
to integrate same forthwith.

- Ha!

I think the Great White
Father was out of his bird

when he wrote that letter.

- I had to send all
the way to New York

to find a black couple crazy
enough to come out here.

(motorcycle engine running)

- What the road?

- Uh oh, it's a parking
space right here.

- Stop the car.

- Got what you're looking
for, fearless leader.

- How.

- Hey, baby.

Tell me somethin',
where's the reservation?

- This is the
reservation, Hawkeye.

- Oh come on, now,

Desert Flower,
you puttin' me on.

If this the reservation,

where is the Indian?

All I see is, them poor people.

(audience laughs)

- Them poor people
are the Indians.

- Oh yeah?

If they Indians, - Would
you watch the do?

- I'm sorry about
my natural honey.

Where is the tipis
of these Indians?

- C'mon man, Indians
don't live in tipis anymore.

- Oh man, I mean we live
in these quaint little cabins.

- Hey baby.

Let's split.

This place ain't nothin'
but a ghetto with no city

around it.

(audience laughs)

- They'll probably
make ya chief.

After all,

you're the only one that dresses
like an Indian around here.

Go rap to 'em.

- Okay, baby, let me have a
little powwow with the cat here.

Hey, Chief?

- Hm.

- Yeah, Pale Face.

(audience laughs)

- Pale Face?

We done run across another
color blind one, mama.

I ain't no pale face.

- You ain't no Indian, neither.

(audience laughs)

- Me and the squaw, here,

we got a few reservations
about your reservation.

- Ah, well, you ain't the
only one, Little Beaver.

- Like.

Where is the cat with
the rain dance, you know?

- We don't have that anymore.

- Well, how about the war paint,

and the tom toms?

How about a little poke
on your piece pipe?

- Olden day, olden day.

- You don't understand.

We spend all our time
just tryin' to stay alive.

- Oh baby, that rips it.

Let's get outta here.

Let's go integrate
another tribe.

These cats don't know
nothin' about bein' Indians.

(audience laughs)

(discomusic)

- If there's one thing the
rest of mankind should adopt

from the Indian,
it's the peace pipe.

(audience laughs)

- The white man
has stolen our lands.

He has burned our prairies.

He has taken our women.

And slain our braves.

Now, I like a good joke
as well as the next man.

(audience laughs)

- Miss Tomlin,

what do you think of the way
the white man has mistreated

the Indians?

- Oh well, first,
because when they,

when they first,

when they get those
necklaces and those little things,

and they sell them
for 24, it wasn't be...

It wasn't the time to be,

because they wanna just get...

They wanted to get
all that good prop,

and they didn't
do the right thing,

because they knew
that there probably was...

You know, they took all the
oil and they took the leases,

just to make,

and they wanted to put all the,

all the Ind...

And they put them on
these little tiny pieces of it,

and they made
them all live together.

Because there was no..

They couldn't go
out and hunt or do...

Think of the John
Wayne movie, I mean...

When the way they treated...

And Tonto was always tra...

He was always coming from the...

He never got to go
in front because...

Of course Keely Smith,
she didn't do too...

But that,

but then they had to
stand in front of the,

with two or three ciga...

In front of cigars,

because they
wanted that look of an,

of standing there
holding like...

Altogether though, all in all,

I would say it was pretty lousy.

(audience laughs)

Well, I mean, that's how it is.

(audience laughs)

(disco music)

- All right J.B.

- Yeah.

- We're ready to
shoot the big scene.

- Oh yeah, that's where
all the drunken Indians

are shootin' the guns
at the settlers, right?

- Well, wait a minute, J.B.,

there's been a coupla changes.

Our technical director,
Chief Red Cloud here,

just told me something.

- Actually, at this
juncture in history,

the Caucasian have
not yet given firearms,

nor fire water, to the Indians.

- So they can't be drunk,

and they can't be shootin' guns.

Any Indian knows
those are the facts.

- Oh yeah?

Well, let me give
you a couple of facts.

A.

There's a 150 million
movie goers in this country,

and darn few of 'em are Indians.

B.

We got $12 million
sunk in this turkey.

What do you say to them facts?

- Okay, guys!

Let's get them drunken
Indians shootin' them guns!

(audience laughs)

(disco music)

- If the Indians ever
ask to see our passports,

we're in a whole lot of trouble.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, hello.

I'm terribly interested
in anthropology.

You being an American Indian,

I would like to learn
more about your sex life.

- Well, I'm not really
an Indian. (laughs)

- Oh! (laughs)

That's all right. (laughs)

I'm not really an
anthropologist.

(audience laughs)

- Now Chief, from now on,

your people will have to
stay on your reservation.

- Much bad for Indian people.

First you kill our buffalo.

Then you kill our warriors.

Now you push us into small land.

America has become
bad place for Indian.

- Yeah, well if you
don't like the country,

why don't you go back
where you came from?

(audience laughs)

(disco music)

(silly music)

(whistle blows)

(audience laughs)

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

(band music)

(band music)

(opera singing)

(audience laughs)

- There goes that
air raid warning again.

And she's wearing pink pants.

(audience laughs)

(silly music)

- Gotcha!

(woman screams)

(disco music)

(trumpet music)

- Shape up,
America, or ship out.

(audience laughs)

Bull Wright, here.

Yes, sir.

Bull Wright's the name
and the Army's the game.

Commentary tonight,

brought to you by the
makers of C-rations.

Good ole U.S. of A chow.

Just like mother used to make.

Old bat.

(audience laughs)

Listen.

Tonight I wanna tell you
about my dear ole dad,

General Stonewall
Wright, fine old man.

Tried hard to follow
in his footsteps.

Hasn't always been easy.

He was a cavalry
officer, you know?

(chuckles)

I'll never forget what he
told me when I was just

six years old.

He looked at me, and he said,

"At ease, bull."

I want you to remember somethin'

another famous
general once said.

"Nuts!"

I don't mind tellin' ya,

those words made
me what I am today.

Well, that's it for tonight.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

You wanna get a copy of
my new training pamphlet,

Service Club Operation
for Fun and Profit.

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- The program in progress
was pre-recorded earlier.

It was live when
we pre-recorded it,

but now it is not.

You, however, are live.

Unless, of course,
you're on tape,

which means you can
rerun yourself later tonight.

Think about it.

- As is ofttimes said,

when the dove of peace is
brought to the house of the evil

warlord, it would be wise
for him to wear a paper hat.

- As you know,

California Superintendent
of Public Instruction,

Max Rafferty,

has advocated inspection of
high school students' lockers.

Watch.

- Hold it, sonny.

Hold it.

We got permission to search
these lockers for narcotics

and dirty books.

Open it up.

- I don't have any
narcotics or dirty books,

honest officer.

- Quit stallin', open it up.

- All right, officer,
anything you say.

(metal clanging)

(audience laughs)

- Money.

All phony.

Hubcaps.

Hand grenade, rifles.

(telephone rings)

- [On Phone] Hey, put
another 50 bucks on

Tia Juana Whoopee
in the third in Hialeah.

(audience laughs)

- What else you got in there?

- Keep your hands to yourself.

C'mon, Herbie.

- Just as the game
was getting hot.

C'mon Phyllis.

- I never even got a
chance to pay for my drink.

- When you rented me this place,

you said it would be quiet.

- The pool is filthy.

- Well, is that it?

(horse neighing)

- Giddyup!

- That's it, officer.

- Well, okay.

No dirty books, no narcotics.

Keep up the good work, huh?

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- Mr. Beetle?

Miss Tomlin.

Mr. Beetle, you know,

you know, I think we can
persuade you to pay, after all.

I want you to listen
to a little recording.

Can you hear it all right?

That's right.

Do you recognize that voice?

It is you.

And do you recognize
that other voice?

That's right.

And do you remember the
basic content of that conversa...

Oh wait, wait, wait a minute.

I wanna hear this part again.

(audience laughs)

Oh Mr. Beetle.

Now, Mr. Beetle,
if you're interested,

we have 96 hours more.

Aww Mr. Beetle.

Mr. Beetle, I think blackmail
is such an ugly word.

Let's just call it
a vicious threat.

(audience laughs)

Well, Mr. Beetle.

Mr. Beetle?

Mr. Beetle.

(audience laughs)

(band music)

- Hi!

(audience laughs)

- AM and FM.

- Certainly hope you enjoyed
the show tonight, folks.

Next week,
we gotta winner.
- I wonder.

I just happen to wonder,
- That's fair enough.

- If I might say a few important
words about some very

nice people.

- We don't really have the time.

- Now, I'd like to commend
those wonderful people

down at the Internal
Revenue Service.

- The Internal Revenue Service?

- Indeedy, deedy, doo.

They have the
thankless job of collecting

the money that's needed to run

this great country of ours.
- My, my.

- Its not an easy job.

And they often take abuse
from people like you and me.

So, whenever you get a chance,

be nice to the tax collector.

- I am aghast.

Well, wonders never cease.

I never thought I'd see the
day when you'd be saying

something nice about
the tax department.

- Neither did I,

'til I found out that they
wanna see me next Thursday

to go over my last
year income taxes.

- Say good night, Dick.

- Good night, Dick.

- Good night, everybody.

(band music and
audience applause)

- Jeremy.

- Yes?

- In England,

what does a door-to-door
cosmetic saleslady say?

- Strap it on Avon, calling.

(audience laughs)

- Ha, ha.

Did you know,

that grumpy hippies
smoke crab grass?

Ha ha ha!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

- Hey Jim!

- Oh yeah, hey Dick!

- Hey, I got a great watchdog.

- Aw, yeah?

What's so great about him?

- Well, last week
he got 300 watches.

(audience laughs)

- Goldie!

- Yes?

- Oh, there's that
little blonde lady.

Since I've been on the show,

have you noticed
any change in me?

- No, why?

- That's strange.

I just swallowed two nickels.

(audience laughs)

- Fran?

- Yes, Ruth Buzzi?

- Oh, hi, darling, how are you?

- Why are college authorities...

Why are college authorities
confiscating so many pills?

- Well, I think it's because,

like they always say,

a benny saved is a benny earned.

(audience laughs)

- James Garner, Mr. Garner.

- You called, you called yes?

- Mr. Garner, (laughs)

where do you get...

- What did you
think I was doin'?

- Where do you get...

- I'd kind of
like to see this...
- Alan.

Alan.

Mr. Garner.

- You called?

- Mr. Garner, what do
you get if you cross...

What do you get if you cross
poison ivy with a palm tree?

- An itchy palm?

- An itchy pricky thing?

- Alan, would you get
your foot out of my...

- Arte!

Arte?

- Huh?

- Arte, I disguised myself
in a clear, plastic dress,

to fool my boyfriend.

- Well, sir, did it work?

- Uh, no.

He saw right through it!

- I saw a movie on
television last night,

that scared me so much
I was afraid to go to bed.

It was all about the
population explosion.

(audience laughing)

- I saw a movie last
night on television...

- Hey Jeremy!

- I saw a movie last
night on television...

- Go back. Go back!

Jeremy!

- Yes, lovely.

- My uncle used to work
in a pop factory that made

toy guns (laughing).

- It isn't that funny.

- Stop it.

(laughing)

- What happened to him?

- He blew his cork.

(audience laughs)

- [Man] Where's Lily?

- I knew, I knew... (laughing)

I knew a really...

I knew a really gorgeous nurse,

a gorgeous nurse
who ate an apple a day,

and it didn't keep
the doctor away.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Goldie.

Can you name the basic
unit of electrical power?

- What?

- Right.

(laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Does it make any difference

what these surgeons
use in their operations?

- No, no, it's just
sex with one and

half a bosom in the other.

- Oh, why do you
suppose Frankenstein

never did any comedies?

- Well, I guess he just
couldn't keep a straight face.

(laughing)

(train whistle blowing)

(squeaking)

(silly music)

(rain pouring)

(audience laughing)

(rain pouring)

(silly music)

(rain pouring)

(silly music)

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.

But surely supercilious.

- It was not supercilious,

it was just cilious.

- (laughs) Believe me, Heimlich,

it was supercilious.

It was in fact, the
most cilious thing ever.

- Just plain cilious.

- Super, duper cilious.

Now go down where you go.

- I can't go there.

Somebody already went there.

(audience laughs)

Bye, Henrik.

- My name is
Wolfgang, you schmetty.

Good night, Lucy.

You are super duper delicious.

And as for you Gary,
keep trying poopy.

And as for you,

you Indian yo-yo,
learn a German accent,

or stay out of the act.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Dillon,

Miss Kitty has been
fooling around with

Ferd Berfel. (laughs)

You could wind up with a
very interesting looking posse.

(audience laughs)

Good night, Fenster.

Get out of my way, you dummy.

(hand clapping)