Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 15 - Episode #3.15 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

(humming)

- Miss Nancy Sinatra.

Do you happen to
know Dean Martin?

- Dean Martin, yes.

- Well everybody
knows that. (chuckling)

You happen to know,
uh, Sammy Davis Jr?

- Sammy Davis Jr...

- Honorable.
- Yeah, I know.

- Yeah.



Do you know Tyrone F. Horneigh?

- Well that's you.

- (chuckling) Gotcha.

Can I give you a
bite on your front?

You'll ruin a good
mustache that way.

- Oh, is Nance
gonna get it from Dad.

(audience clapping)

- Good evening, good
evening everybody.

Hope you're all
enjoying yourselves.

For the first time next year,
looks like Dick's late again.

(high-pitched whooping)

Sounds like he's at the party.

Come on, you're all invited.

(funky dance music)



- This reminds me of
New Year's Eve at home

when Uncle Dean-o comes over.

At 12 o'clock we
ring out the old.

And at 12:30, we
wring out Uncle Dean-o.

(funky dance music)

- I enjoy New
Year's Eve parties.

But I know it's time to leave

when people say they
dig my groovy turtleneck.

(funky dance music)

- Would you mind
if I got familiar?

- Of course I'd mind.

- Good, that's just what
I like, a girl who minds.

(funky dance music)

(laughing)

- Mr. Roseminkel, do
workers in your country

get any time off for holidays?

- Of course Mr. Roman.

Christmas, they only
work a half day, 12 hours,

and the other 12 hours
they get a chance to.

(speaking in foreign language)

(funky dance music)

- When New Year
comes to Burbank,

nobody celebrates it, they
just feel terribly sorry for it.

(funky dance music)

- You know, with
current military scandals

involving the sale of
guns, supply store rake offs

and service club
profiteering, for the new year

maybe the Army could
offer a graft board.

(funky dance music)

- Boris and I got so wrapped up

in each other last
New Year's Eve.

Why, we didn't
know whether to call

the justice of the
peace or an osteopath.

(funky dance music)

- Heavens, you know, I
didn't have a noisemaker.

- Well you do now!

- Woo!

(blowing)

(funky dance music)

- Last New Year's Eve when
my son and daughter-in-law

told me that they were
gonna ring out the old,

how was I supposed
to know they meant me?

(funky dance music)

- Yay.

- Happy New Year, Dan.

- Happy New Year, Goldie.

- Um, you know what I
like best about New Year's?

- Haven't the foggiest.

- That song.

- What song?

May old ang sign

Be forgot - That's a great song.

That's not really
the way it goes.

- Well I don't wanna
do it anymore.

(blowing)

(funky dance music)

- You know Dan, my cousin is
saving herself for her husband.

- That's very nice, Nancy.

- Well, he doesn't think so.

No, see, they've been
married for 10 years.

(funky dance music)

(audience clapping)

- And now, for the
first time next year

and the second time anywhere,

from its sumptuous
studio towering

almost three feet
above sea level

in beautiful downtown Burbank,

NBC opens a window and
airs Rowen & Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring, the winner
of the Steve McQueen

dance-alike contest, Dan Rowan!

And the runner-up in the
Frank Marco lookalike contest,

Dick Martin!

With special guest
star, Miss Nancy Sinatra!

Arte Johnson.

With Ruth Buzzi,

Judy Carne, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,

Alan Sues,

and whispering Jo Anne
Worley. (bell ringing)

Plus, the 1969 winners of
the new old-time favorites,

Teresa Graves,

Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,

and Lily Tomlin.

(bright music)

And me, I'm Gary Owens,

soon to be seen
in the new movie,

Bird Gets His.

NBC would like to get theirs.

- Darling you must marry me,

you're the only
one I've ever loved.

- [Both] Daddy, guess what?

Only one cavity!

- Alas, in this dark
forsaken wilderness,

there is but thee, and
me, I'm Ed McMahon.

- Are you sure Ed
McMahon started this way?

- And me, I'm Paul McCartney.

- I saw that.

And let me say this about
that, I wanna be perfectly clear.

That was funny.

(woman giggling)

- And now as we
join Dan and Dick,

they're already in progress.

- No no you ding
dong, that's not what I,

not incineration, I'm
talking about reincarnation.

- Oh, flowers, well
why didn't you say so?

- It hasn't got anything
to do with flowers.

Don't you know
about reincarnation?

- Well that's funny
you should ask.

No.

- Yeah, well, I'm
gonna explain it to you.

According to the theory
of reincarnation you see,

you could have
lived another life.

- I could have been
Richard Burton?

- No, before that.

- I could have
been Eddie Fisher?

- No, you dingaling.

I mean, you could have lived
another life in another time.

- You think Richard Burton

isn't having the
time of his life?

- Will you forget
about Richard Burton?

- Well, I'm willing if Liz is.

- Look, reincarnation
is a mystic hypothesis

that man is infinite.

Infinite, present life is
merely a re-manifestation

of a previous existence.

- Huh, well, certainly
can't argue with that.

- In other words, you
might have been a caveman.

- Couldn't I go back to
being Richard Burton?

- I'll try one more time.

In your reincarnation
you might have been

an Indian Maharaja with
a hundred beautiful wives.

- Now that's reincarnation!

I'll see you.

- Wait a minute,
where are you going?

- It's time for bed
check in the harem.

- Oh come on, what
about the audience?

- Let 'em get their own harem.

Coming, ladies!

- Obviously it's
time for quickies.

- Oh, I love those quickies.

(motor rumbling)

(crashing)

- Hey, something wrong
with the mushrooms?

Promise him anything,
but give him some quickies.

- Remember, a quickie a
day keeps the quacky away.

- You, you, you know what?

- Hmm?

- When I was at Yale,

they didn't think I'd
amount to too much.

- (snorting) What do they know?

- Yeah, what do they know.

- Corny!

How's the new
job as a cartoonist?

- My name is Guy Lombardo,

and I live at a-one and a-two
and a-three Burbank Boulevard!

- A great red wine.

Taste the bouquet, mon chere.

(snorting laughter)

- I like that, that's excellent.

It's a perfect compliment
to a Chateau Griyan steak.

Or pretzels.

(laughing)

You'll get no tip, my man.

- Arr, this here be the place.

I best consult the chart.

Let me see now.

Two step to the left.

Two step forward.

Two step to the right.

Two step to the rear.

This be the last time
I buy a treasure map

from Arthur Murray.

- Darling, will you give
up smoking for me?

- Who said I was
smoking for you?

- Just a moment, my good fellow.

Ah, just what I like,
a good fresh wine.

- What's the vintage, dearest?

- Oh, Thursday,
seven PM I think.

- All it needs is a little age.

- Oh?

One, two, three,
that's long enough.

- Mother was wrong.

(glass breaking)

- This is outrageous.

- Yeah you're right, you know.

This belong over there.

- Oh, I used to think that kid
didn't have a sense of humor.

Now I'm sure of it.

- Let's try it again.

Two step to the left.

Two step forward.

Two step to the right.

(humming)

(gun firing)

- We would like to thank
Earnest and Julio, Galio-ano,

for the delightful
holiday season,

all for $1.43
including tax and tip.

- $1.43?

Did we drink five
gallons of that stuff?

Happy New Year!

- Give us a little kiss.

- No, I'm not
that kind of a girl.

- You'll walk home.

- One ringy dingy.

Two ringy dingy, oh, a gracious
good afternoon, Mr. Veedle.

I'm Miss Tomlin,
your representative

from the telephone company.

And you owe us a balance
of 23 dollars and 64 cents.

When may we expect payment?

It's for three calls
to Topeka, Kansas.

You don't know anyone
in Topeka, Kansas?

(snorting) Well Mr. Veedle,
that's beside the point.

Now when may we expect payment?

When, when what freezes over?

No no, Mr. Veedle,
you are not dealing

with just anyone's fool.

I am a high school graduate.

Now then, Mr. Veedle?

Mr. Veedle?

- Say, my little pistachio nut,

do you have coffee to go?

- Oh, certainly.

- You do?

- I'd like to see a .45
automatic, please.

- How's this for you?

- Oh, how much is this?

- 30 dollars.

- All right, give me 30 dollars.

Exactly right.

Well, here's your
30 dollars, thank you.

- Arise, sir knight.

- And now, it's time for
another episode with our friends,

the Farkle family.

- Hi, I'm Frank Farkle.

This is my wife Fanny Farkle

and our children, Mark
and Sparkle Farkle.

- And this is our true and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfle.

- Hi Ferd.

- Hi Frank, hi Fanny.

- Good to have you
over for dinner, Ferd.

We're expecting our
old friends the Fargles.

Haven't seen them
for four years this fall.

(doorbell ringing)

Fred Bargle!

- Frank Farkle!

- Fred, this is Ferd Berfle.

Ferd, this is Fred Bargle,

and these are Mark and
Sparkle Farkle and my wife Fanny.

- Oh, Mark and Sparkle Farkle.

Well a fine-looking pair of
kids you have here, Mr. Berfle.

- No no, Fred,
they're our children.

Mark and Sparkle are Farkles.

- Oh yes of course
they are, yes,

I should have
seen it right away.

Why, they're the spitting
image of you, Frank.

- Thank you.

- What a silly mistake.

And here's my wife.

Frank and Fanny Farkle,
my wife Bertha Bargle.

Bertha, Frank and Fanny Farkle

and their two children
Mark and Sparkle Farkle,

and Ferd Berfle, Bertha Bargle.

Bertha, where's
our daughter Betsy?

- Here she is.

- Hi!

- Tune in next week folks,

when Ferd Berfle
says to Fred Bargle.

- That's a fine-looking
girl you got there, Fred.

- Hi!

Should old acquaintance
get confused

We can always sing the news

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way, we hope we'll amuse

You

- Nobody understands me!

- I gave him the best
year of my life. (hiccups)

- Pardon me.

- Boy am I having a good time.

- Me too.

We just love to
give you our view

La da dee da

Ladies and gentlemen,
look to the news

Oh where's our Dan

- Happy New Year!

- And now with
the news of present,

here's the man to whom

the news wouldn't be
the news without the news,

here's Quickie!

(audience clapping)

- Upon learning.

Oh.

Upon learning that
the 1972 Olympics

may be held on Los Angeles,

Russian track coach
Vladimir Ulyecki said today,

we'll be ready for Los Angeles.

All my athletes are now
running 100 laps a day

around Moscow city
incinerator, behind a bus,

smoking a cigar!

Famous Siamese twin tap
dancers Lucy and Laura Brilstein

split up the act last night

when Lucy unexpectedly
took an extra bow.

Take it away, Goldie.

- Famous Siamese twin tap
dancers Lucy and Laura Brilstein.

- Goldie, Dick just
did the present news.

- Oh, well.

Then the news of the future.

20 years from now,
Burbank, California.

- No no Goldie, I do that.

- Oh.

Well if Dick does
the present news

and then you do the future news,

when am I supposed to do?

- Tell them that I'm going
to do the future news.

- Well you just told
them, Dicky Ding Dong.

Oh! (giggles) I mean Dan.

That was an honest mistake.

(audience laughs)

- I believe it too, Goldie.

Salinas Valley, California.

1989, 20 years from now.

Strong Earth tremors
struck this agricultural area,

severely shaking up large
fields of corn and lima beans.

Spokesmen for the farmers said,

so far the quakes have
resulted in one dead bull,

12 heartbroken cows,
and 15 acres of Succotash.

Chicago, Illinois, 1989.

The first political convention

since the legalization
of marijuana

took place here last week.

Top politicians caucused
in a smoke-filled room.

Upon emerging, the
leading candidate,

Acapulco Goldwasser, declared,

I do not choose to run,

but man, you can
believe I'm gonna fly.

- Now the news
goes skimming back

through the pages of history

and slides into the
laboratory of Madame E. Curie,

who's gonna tell it like it was.

- Bonjour, Monsieur and Madame.

Tell us, Madame Curie,

how did you happen
to discover radium.

- One night in my laboratory,

I discovered a
glowing substance,

and I found it was radium.

- Marvelous, but where did
you find this glowing substance?

(speaking in French)

- It was on the hands
of my alarm clock.

- We go to our
main studio right now

for an organ recital
by Sigmund Freud.

La dee da

Ladies and gents, that
was a look at the news

It isn't great

(audience claps)

- And now, another Laugh-In
musical extravaganza!

We present Miss Jo Anne Worley,

her throat, larynx
and entire voice.

Fat is where it's at

'Cause thin ain't in no more

Don't you be a skinny ninny

No one digs a broad that skinny

Hey, you 'fraidy cat
Go on and get fat

That's where it's at, yeah

- But how will I know
when it's midnight?

- Well, when you see
the little hand on the 12

and the big hand on your knee.

(audience laughs)

- Oh now, Mr. Veedle,
Miss Tomlin again.

About this unpaid phone bill.

Now when may...

Well Mr. Veedle,
I just don't see

why you're taking
up such a ruckus

when according to our files,

your present bank
balance plus stocks,

securities and other holdings
amount to exactly 300, what?

Privileged information?

(snorting) Oh
Mr. Veedle, that's so cute.

No no.

No Mr. Veedle, you're dealing
with the telephone company.

For instance now,
as I look through

your income tax
return for 1965...

Mr. Veedle?

Hello, Mr. Veedle?

(wacky music)

- Serves you right
for killing a dragon.

- Bertha.

- Bargle.

- Hi!

- Fine-Looking girl
you've got there, Fred.

- Thanks Frank.

- I'm Ferd, he's Frank.

- Oh I'm sorry.

- No, you're Fred.

- Hi!

- There's a circus in my head,

by Henry Gibson.

In the tent inside my head,
there's a circus so immense,

that to hold it all together,
my ears became a fence.

Only certain sounds they let in.

Sounds it's good
to have so near.

Which is why when
being talked to,

I hardly ever hear.

(audience clapping)

- Hi to all you great
guys in the Air Force!

I love you.

And I'm ready to go off with
you into the wild blue yonder.

Contact.

- Uh, may I help you?

- Well, I'm just
looking for a friend.

- Oh, how's this one?

- Hmm?

Oh, thank you, he'll do fine.

Oh you are so adorable, darling.

I love friends.

- Nancy Sinatra, would
you like to come over

to my house for lunch?

- Thanks Goldie
Hawn, I'd love to.

- You'll never guess what
we're having for dessert.

- I'm curious. Jell-O?

- Right! What color?

- Why?

- I'm curious.

- Yellow.

- I knew that all along.

- I have some good
news and some bad news.

- Excuse me, Miss Sinatra.

I'm great appreciationist

of your particular
performing arts.

We appreciation you,
deeply and heartily.

- Thank you.

- Um, you have
wonderful talents,

but with my insight
into the basis

from my entertainingment,

I could add, stuff it for you,

to make it your big star.

- Oh, good.

- You know you sing
that song you sing?

- Uh huh.

- I could give it you additional
end what makes you blink.

These boots are made for walking

- Good, that's good.

That's just what they'll do.

- Freedom, freedom.

One of these days these boots

Are gonna walk all over you

- Now, do exactly what I do.

It gives you added dimensions.

Get a lot pressure
on your spine.

But that's spine for you,

up and down with the spine.

Good!

If you could remember to do
this at the end of your number,

you could be as good a
dancer as your brother.

- Are you ready boots?

Start walking.

- Come on folks, now
let's hear it for little Nancy.

- Tonight we're presenting

the wonderful world
of Whoopee Award.

- Why don't we
give it to the band?

- Oh, they certainly deserve
it for that stirring music.

- No, but seriously Dan.

- Yes, Dick?

- Who's the, who's the
recipient of the Happy Holler?

- Mrs. Florence Davidson,
who in order to keep her job

in a Washington
state liquor store,

was required to
pass a physical test.

- Blow up a balloon?

- Nope.

- Walk a straight line.

- Nope, the Washington
state liquor control board

requires that store clerks

hoist 45 pounds of
concrete over their heads,

or lose their jobs.

- Oh, I'd rather
blow up a balloon.

- Mrs. Davidson
would probably agree,

because she tried
to pass that test twice

and nearly fainted.

- Oh, I guess so!

- But Mrs. Davidson
didn't give up.

To keep from getting fired,

she called on Washington
state senator Gordon Walgreen,

and told him about the test.

- Oh, Gordy picked up
the concrete for her, huh?

- Oh, he did better than that,

he called the test
stupid, had it abolished.

Mrs. Davidson got her job back.

- Good for her!

- And very good for
her and good for us too.

- You mean we all
work in a liquor store?

- No no no, Mrs.
Davidson did a rare thing.

She thought some was
wrong and she acted on it.

And in doing
something for herself,

she showed the way to all of us.

- Well you know Millhouse,
you may be onto something.

- I think so, and so
does Mrs. Davidson.

For winning one for
our side, here it is!

(cheering)

- And as the boys at the

Washington state
liquor control board say,

I'll drink to that.

- Whoopee!

- Folks, go out and
do a good deed.

Right a wrong,
correct and injustice,

and maybe one day you
too will receive your own,

Whoopee!

- Girls, if your
measurements are 30-40-60,

you can go to a masquerade
party as an avocado.

(jazzy music)

What a party A Whoopee party

A party that'll welcome
in a happy new year

Lots of hotchas
and lots of gotchas

The perfect way to
welcome in a happy new year

I'm having the time of my life

Isn't that my husband
there who's kissing your wife

Oh well Such a
party, a perfect party

We're even running out
of all the gifts and birthdays

A perfect party to
welcome in a year

- Henry, did you know
that John Lindsay's

staying home New Year's Eve?

- Why is that?

- Well he doesn't
have a party to go to.

- Did I tell you?

(laughing)

Ruth, in the sixties,
pollution really got bad.

Now how much more waste
could industry dump into the air?

- Oh I don't know Dan, I
guess the sky's the limit!

- I hear the
Republicans are having

a New Year's party
at the White House,

and they're going to
play their favorite game.

Pin the wrap on the donkey.

(tapping)

- Say, that's my wife,

and my doctor lives
by the Hypocratic Oath.

- That's funny, my doctor
lives by the candy store!

- Oh Dickie, that's
the Hypocratic Oath.

- Hello!

- Hello!

Gee I'm so glad
Lou couldn't be here.

I'm so sad, I meant.

- Oh, I'm glad you're sad.

What happened to Lou, Goldie?

- Well he took a walk
through Central Park

and two delinquent
midgets stole his kneecaps.

- Oh, my resolution is
to change the old me

into a completely
new person, Dick.

- Crazy, baby!

Let's go up to my place

and we'll ring out the
old and ring in the new.

- Henry, where'd you
spend last New Years?

- Oh, at Fire
Island, it was wild.

At the stroke of midnight,

this guy ran out and
jumped into a fruitcake.

- Different stroke
for different folks.

- Hello Goldie.

- Hi Nancy.

- Do you know what
happened this year?

- What?

- Prices went up.

- They did? Why do you say that?

- Well, I went to Christmas
shop at a department store,

and the bargain basement
was on the third floor.

- Way up there.

- I'm very careful about
my New Year's Eve drinking.

I always stop after the third.

- Oh really Dan, that's
funny, because so do I.

But fortunately for us,

this year the third
falls on a Saturday.

What a party, a lovely party

A party full of lots
and fun and cheer

A perfect party
to wish each other

A very very Happy New Year

Happy New Year

- I've said it before
and I'll say it again.

When I go, I'm taking
New Year's Eve with me!

- That of course, was the
lovely and talented brother

of Carl Lombardo.

- I understand that your band's
been at the Hotel Roosevelt

in New York for 33 years now.

- That's right Golide, we have.

- Well I must say, you
must be running up some bill.

- Now it's time once
again for Laugh-In

to take a concerned look

at America's hippiest young
couple, Hedda and Harold.

We join them as
we hear Hedda say.

- Doing anything
special tonight, Harold?

- Like, you know,
like me and the guys

were going down to the
Orpheum to protest the opening

of the John Wayne Film Festival.

- Before you leave, don't
forget to bring in the garbage.

- Mr. Veedle, it's me again.

We seem to be a
bit disconnected.

Now Mr. Veedle, I want
you to understand something.

We are not subject to city,
state or federal regulations.

We are omnipotent.

Omnipotent.

That's potent with
an omni in front of it.

Now Mr. Veedle, when
may we expect payment?

Oh Mr. Veedle, I'm afraid

we're going to have to
discontinue your outgoing service.

And if we do not receive
payment within 10 days,

we will send a large, burly
serviceman to your home

to rip it out of the wall.

I'd advise you to lock up
the liquor, he's a mean drunk.

(snorting) Now then, Mr. Veedle,

wouldn't you really rather
pay than lose your service

and possibly the use of one eye?

Mr. Veedle?

(wacky music)

- Howdy there.

Say, do you have a record
of My Favorite Things?

- No, but I bet I can
guess most of them.

- You little naughty nudie.

- This is gonna make
my day. (laughing)

Oh my goodness, hello darlings.

Tonight, Mama Jo
Anne would like to speak

to the younger generation.

I need a little
more coffee in here.

You older ones can
listen if you want.

I wanna give you kids
some advice on dating.

For example, you fellas.

Now when you pick up your date,

I mean pick her up at the door,

(laughing) you know what I mean,

remember to flatter her clothes.

Just speak up and say, gee
Betty, that dress is a knockout.

(laughing) She'll love it.

She'll also know
that you talk square.

But, remember guys,
this only works with girls

by the name of Betty,

and the ones who
are wearing a dress.

And oh, another thing.

You fellas, by the
by, remember this.

Every time you light
a lady's cigarette,

you should ask
yourself this question.

Why do I smoke
ladies cigarettes?

(laughing)

Oh the day is so much brighter.

- There's no truth to the rumor

that Lawrence Welk's champagne
is really carbonated Geritol.

- There is absolutely
no truth to the rumor

that Spiro Angew is really
Goldie Hawn's ghostwriter.

- Which reminds me
of the lady contortionist,

and the strange way
she set the shah's table.

- Well Dick, another
year's drawing to a close,

and now it's been an entire
decade since the fifties.

- A decade.

You know, it only
seems like 10 years ago.

- More or less.

You know, a lot
of important things

happened in those past 10 years,

like President Nixon getting
elected in the late sixties.

- Late sixties?

Boy, the man hardly looks,
he's out of his early fifties.

- No, I didn't mean that.

Are you aware, for instance,

that a space program's been
going on for the past 10 years?

- Oh yeah, how are the ratings?

- Not bad.

Does this remind you of anyone?

That's one small step for a man.

- Uh, Mickey Rooney.

- Neil Armstrong.

Didn't you see him on the moon?

- When was I on the moon?

- Not you, him!

- Mickey Rooney was on the moon?

- Oh, come on.

Let me just say this about that.

You remember hearing that.

There are many things that
happening during the sixties.

Now aren't there at least
a couple that stand out?

- Well yeah, now that
you mention it there are.

Let's see, Caroline,
Sheila, Camila, Natalie.

- Well, that brings us to who.

Laugh-In salute of the sixties.

Goldie and Ruth,
to tell you the truth

We've just spent
a weird 10 years

- [Both] Weird!

Things have been
dumb But we'll overcome

All of the heartaches
and all of the tears

Looks like we made it
through the sexy sixties

Through the see-through sixties

Through the top and
bottomless sixties

We've spent a lot of
hard-earned bread and butter

Watching shows
like And Oh! Calcutta!

Oh, oh, oh Woo

Looks like we're safely
through the Portnoy sixtes

Jackie Susan sixties

And those Myra
Breckinridge sixties

All of our writers
going pornographic

Have really been
Stopping traffic Novels

Certainly steamy Soundtracks

Thoroughly steamy

Movies putting us in a spin

Oh, they're taking
their clothes off

Stage shows Perfectly
horrid Nightclubs

Terribly torrid Some
folk gather to have a

Sit in, sleep in,
love in, laugh in

We finally made it
through the long hair sixties

Through the no bra sixties

Through the micro
miniature sixties

Seems like the world
is getting so excessive

The future's in doubt

When suddenly your fella

Gets seats for I
Am Curious Yellow

Suddenly your chappie

Says here's a pill
for making you happy

Suddenly your mister

Starts dressing like
your younger sister

1970s You better watch out

Watch out (audience clapping)

- Now young lady,
are you in favor of

drugs, violence
or sex on campus?

- Oh no, no, I'm opposed
to drugs and violence.

- Well, two out
of three isn't bad.

- You might say the pill
changed the shape of the sixties.

- And tell me miss, what
do you think about the pill?

- Well, uh, that.

Well that's because,
there's a whole rev,

the revolution, because when I,

the first time I
went to the doc,

I didn't wanna, because
I didn't wanna come right.

- Yeah.

- You know, and,
so he gave me one,

it's a little round thing,
you put it and you dot,

and what it is, you make
these, well, whatever you do,

every single, don't
forget, because if you do.

And then sometimes you put,

if you get it in the aspirin
bottle, it's a terrible thing.

Personally, I, and
that's just how it is.

Looks like we made it
through the hee haw sixties.

Through the hot dang sixties

Through the old
Glenn Campbell sixties

We often wondered how some

I'll make a million dollars
from a little green apple

- Oh, we were gonna talk
about the Arab-Israeli War.

But what's six days
out of 10 years?

- Chief, this is Mrs. Zogg.

She claims she saw an
unidentified flying object.

- Very interesting.

Stand up, Mrs. Zogg.

Miss Trigg, take notes.

- Certainly sir.

- Well, I was over by
the Sea of Tranquility,

and suddenly, the
spaceship landed.

- A spaceship, huh?

- Yeah, it was kind of
squarish, with four legs.

- A four-legged spaceship.

- Yeah, then two weird
creatures got out with round heads

and only two arms and two legs.

- Only two arms, two legs.

Got that, Miss Trigg?

Write it down.

- Yes sir, two
arms and two legs.

- And then he climbed
down this little ladder,

and started jumping
around, like this.

- That's very fascinating.

Stand up, Mrs. Zogg.

Got this, Miss Trigg.

- Oh yes Chief, I got it.

- Did they do anything else?

- Yes, they picked
up a lot of rocks.

- A lot of rocks.

- Just rocks?

- Yes, just rocks.

And then they put
'em in these little bags

and they took off, but
they left behind a ladder

and a few other things,

and the bottom half
of the spaceship.

- They left all those
things and just took rocks.

Got that, Miss Trigg.

- Yes Chief, every word.

- Well, thanks so much
for coming in, Mrs. Zogg.

Yes, we'll be in touch.

Sit down.

Miss Trigg, how many
times have I told you,

keep those weirdos
out of my office.

One other thing, Miss Trigg.

How about a little
kiss before lunch?

- Certainly, sir.

- So tell me Miss,
what do you think

about nudity in the theater?

- Oh, well.

It's, the thing is,
when you see,

first of all you try
to, if it's a boy or,

because you don't know,

that's not the important thing,

and when they dance,

it's nonsense,
whatever it is, it's just,

I, personally, I
think it's terrific.

- Thank you.

(Indian music)

We made it through
the Maharishi sixties

Through the sitar sixties

Through the meditational sixties

We spent our evenings
on a bed of needles

Waiting for the second
coming of the Beatles

- The sixties did
see a lot of changes.

- It certainly did.

- And not the least of these
changes was in language.

Why, we used words
and phrases in the sixties

that hadn't been heard before.

- And if Senator
Pastore has his way,

they won't be heard again.

- No no no, that's
not what I mean.

I mean in the past decade,

we gave new meaning
to old words and phrases.

- I get it.

Hey, once when we
said, that's my bag,

we were claiming our luggage.

- That's right, I think
you're onto it Millhouse.

Let's hear a little of some of
the other language changes

that occurred in the sixties.

- I can remember when soul
was something everybody had.

- It used to be that grass

was something you paid
a kid two dollars to mow.

- Freak out was a
sign that told you

the circus sideshow
was closed for lunch.

- A bad trip was when it
rained on your vacation.

- Turn on was something
you did to a radio.

- The fuzz was something that
grew on peaches and teenagers.

- (laughing) A little pot was
something to boil an egg in.

- Remember when the only person

who put you down
was your babysitter.

- And an upper
was a cheap ticket.

- And a bad scene was something

you'd walk out of a
play for. (laughing)

- The only people
kicking the habit

were short monks
with long robes.

(funky dance music)

- When the hippies
came to Chicago,

Mayor Daly reversed
the old adage,

if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.

- Well certainly on of
the highlights of the sixties

was the remarkable
comeback of Richard Nixon,

losing the presidency in 1960
and then winning it in 1968

with his running
mate, Spiro Agnew,

a man who, no question
about it, has a way with words.

Why, who could forget Hawaii,
when we heard Mr. Agnew say.

(mumbling)

Or at the Southern
Governor's Conference,

when we heard Mr. Agnew say.

(mumbling)

- I didn't know he
was going to say that.

- Or, once again when we
heard Mr. Agnew's recent remarks

on the moratorium.

(mumbling)

- Darn it all Strom,
he was your choice.

- [Strom] I thought
he was your choice!

- There's no
question, Mr. Nixon,

that a good phrase
can be important.

Do you feel that
any such expression

was important to your election?

- Well I had a lot
of good luck with,

let me say this about that,

and let me make
this perfectly clear.

Now that was
not exactly a loser.

But if there was one expression

that may have done it for me,

I'd say it was,

sock it to me?

- The sixties brought
about the involvement

of the so-called
silent majority.

And now it's only
fair that Laugh-In

at last gives them
an opportunity

to finally speak up.

So now, we'll hear
from the silent majority.

(audience laughs)

Looks like we made it
through the moon shot sixties

Through the transplant sixties

Through the ecumenical sixties

With the pollution
and the population

Our future's in doubt
When suddenly a bella

Put cyclamide and sarsaparilla

Every single laddy

Says he's got
plans to be a daddy

Now we've got a guy in

Who's gotta keep
our world from dying

1970s You better watch out

Watch out (audience clapping)

- One of the dominant
personalities in the past 10 years

was a tall Texan in a Stetson.

- The Lone Ranger.

- Well he wasn't
then, but he is now.

- When I was in office,
nothing seemed to go right.

Two years of practice
and I finally learned

how to pronounce Negro,

and then they go
and change it to black.

(audience laughs)

- If the seventies are
anything like the sixties,

we won't be around to
worry about the eighties.

- And that's our
salute for tonight.

Richard, I hope you got
something out of the sixties.

- Well, I think the one
thing all of us hope for

in the seventies is world peace

and love and understanding.

- Millhouse, I hope
you're onto something.

(wacky music)

(mumbling)

(drum roll)

- Uh, like me, the,
uh, vice president

knows the important questions

facing the nation.

Unlike me however,
he unfortunately

does not know the answers.

- Well, once again it's
time to say goodnight, Dick.

- Just as soon as
I have a little chat

with the telephone
operators of America.

- Okay, go ahead.

- We don't get to see you much,

but we know you're out
there doing a great job.

- Well that's very nice.

Certainly couldn't
get along without 'em.

- Boy I sure couldn't.

I just met this little
operator from Glendale.

- I don't wanna hear
about it, your time's up.

- Mmm, touch tone
dialing, 12 feet of curly cord,

no busy signal.

Ha, and extensions
all over the house.

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

Goodnight all you operators.

- Goodnight and Happy
New Year, everybody!

(audience clapping)

- Uh, on your way out
of the White House,

kindly stop in the foyer

where I shall be selling
my jams and my jellies,

and Davis Fry's new album,
on a lecture, I am the president.

And let me make
this perfectly clear.

All the monies go
to my favorite charity.

The Spiro Agnew
public speaking clinic.

- Henry!

- Ah, Nancy!

- Oh hi, Henry.

- Hi Nancy.

- Henry, did you
know that last week

the laundry pressers
union walked off the job

in the middle of the day?

- Why?

- Well they wanted to
strike while the iron was hot.

(audience laughs)

- Henry Gibson!

- Yeah!

- How's Lois?

- Oh, she's great.

- Yeah, the kids?

- Good.

- Yeah.

Well answer me this question.

How's the place on the beach?

- Oh I love it.

- Good, yeah.

Did Truman Capote
write In Cold Blood?

- No, I think he
used a ballpoint pen!

(laughing)

- I heard Colonel
Sanders just merged

with the Stetson
hat company, Nancy.

- Well Dan, what
are they gonna sell?

- Kentucky Fried Derby.

(audience laughs)

- Hi Jo Anne!

(laughing)

- Yes?

- Did you ever see a turtleneck?

- Well I'll tell you something.

No, they don't
like you to watch.

- Pam, my boy!

- What?

- Pam my boy?

- Why not, it's in the script!

- You gotta get new glasses.

- It's in the script.

Pam, my boy!

- Yeah.

- Do you happen to know the name

of Sir Francis Drake's wife?

- I think it was Sir
Vance's duck, ooh!

- Here's another Sir
Francis great duck joke.

(laughing)

- Oh, you know what.

(laughing)

- What is it, Goldie?

- You know what, Dan?

- No Goldie, what?

- You should never
put all your eggs in,

I have to open this, I forgot,

in one basket.

- Should never put all
my eggs in one basket.

Why not, Goldie?

- Because when the
butter leaks out, it spurts.

I mean, when you fry
it the butter leaks out!

(laughing)

- Nancy!

Nancy, my little spimoni.

What do you get when you
cross a South American company

with a record album?

- I can't imagine.

- 33 and a third
revolutions per minute.

- What?

- 33 and a third
revolutions per minute.

- Oh.

- 33 and a third...

- Arte!

- Yes!

- Arte, did you know.

- Yes, my boy.

- That's not Pam.

- It's a little early for that.

Arte, did you know
they bank loan

rate interests are sky high?

- I didn't understand
the question.

(shouting over each other)

- Wait a minute,
what is on the card?

(clapping)

(wacky music)

- I told you, don't
buy wholesale.

- Hello there my
little fudge ripple,

I'd like to see a new
shower head, please.

- Certainly.

- Oh that seems perfect.

(yelling)

Oh, stop it!

- You know that kid
is like a sister to me.

(honking)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have introduced

one of the new members of
our company, Miss Lily Tomlin.

- And how'd you like
doing your first show?

- Oh, the, uh, it's so,
there's was so much,

the thing that I really,
I couldn't believe,

the people were just, well like,

when big Al picks
up and he makes that,

you know, he uh, what is that,

that he makes, he, (mumbles)

you know, whatever,
and Goldie is,

she's so intelli, more
than that, it's, uh,

and Jo, ooh, ha ha!

- The preceding
program was prerecorded,

just in time to be the
last show of this year.

- And before, and
you know, the aud,

you know I really have
to thank the audition,

I have to, because I've never,

in the steam room,
it was unbelievable.

(laughing)

And when I, to be, to have to,

and then the attendant came
and couldn't unlock the thing

to get my thing, I was so,

I didn't what, and
I had to go home,

I took, but luckily I could
do that, and behind it.

- Very interesting,
that new girl.

She sounds a lot like
my commanding officer.

We didn't understand him either.

Good luck, kid.

- Behind the joke
wall, it's unbelievable,

if they could only see what
goes behind, because...

But you know, despite
all that and everything,

I think that I really,
I'd have to thank,

you know, the person up there.

- The janitor?

- Gotcha. (surprised yelling)

(clapping)