Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 11 - Episode #3.11 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Now that Dick and Dan
have gone for a minute
I figured this would
be a good time
- Hey Sam, Sam, listen,
they just give me a good one,
really, not to interrupt.
What has,
what's black and white
and has two eyes?
- Don't tell me, let
me guess, a zebra.
- Pretty close,
Sam. It's very good.
No, but it isn't right.
- Okay, all right, Judy,
I love you, you're
my favorite lady,
but, tell me, what
is black and white
and has two eyes?
- You ready?
- Yes.
- You and Moshe Dayan.
(audience laughter)
- How about this?
Queen of Bad Taste, wrong,
adorable, charming, I
hope they sock it to you.
- Oh, hey, they don't
do that anymore.
Can't do that, they buried that.
- It's all over?
- Yeah, they don't
do it anymore.
Last week, we buried it.
- Okay, but can I finish now?
- However, they might do it
to the guest now.
You know, they just might.
- Hold it.
- You never know.
- To whitey they might do it,
but I happen to be a
very important person,
they would not dare do it
(erupting laughter)
- Sam, see?
- To me.
- You opened your
mouth, you know?
You opened your mouth.
- How about this?
(mimicking Native chanting)
- What is that, Sam?
Oh, a nice and low one.
I liked it.
My hair didn't get
it, isn't that great?
(both imitate Native chanting)
(audience laughter)
- Michael Caine.
Michael Caine, I
mustn't forget it.
Michael Caine.
Michael Caine.
- Uh, Goldie?
I'm Michael Caine.
- Please, not now, I'm trying
to remember something.
(audience laughter)
Michael Caine, Michael Caine.
- I just don't get
British humor.
- I watch Laugh-In
because my doctor
told me to stay
away from too much
fun and excitement.
- From the beautiful
downtown Burbank
all-night diner and
smog alert center,
NBC winds up and lets you have
the old one-two,
known as Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring bedazzling Dan Rowan
and his adorable,
but much older sister,
Dick Martin.
Tonight's special guest is
the right honorable judge
Samuel Davis
Junior, a em-i-na-fant.
Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Alan Sues.
And everybody's
favorite all-clear signal,
Jo Anne Worley.
And the new prizes in
our box of Cracker Jacks,
Teresa Graves.
Pamela Rodgers.
Jeremy Lloyd.
Byron Gilliam.
And yours truly, Gary Owens.
Star of stage,
screen, and teleview.
And Morgul, the Friendly Drelb,
doing his
ever-popular fire dance.
But before we light your fire,
this hot message.
(whistling)
- Hi, guy, I was just
getting a bottle I forgot.
- Hey, baby.
- Would you like
to meet my wife?
- Hi.
- Your wife?
I thought she was my wife.
(audience laughter)
You better get outta here,
or you gonna get cut.
- That was your
basic, "I thought
"she was my wife," witticism.
Now here's your
basic, "NBC witticism."
- Boohoo.
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I'm lost.
And if somebody
don't find me real fast,
I'm gonna run away.
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
(hi-hat cymbal hissing)
I'm gonna introduce
'em the best I can
Here comes Dick
and here comes Dan
Here come the guys,
here come the guys
Here come the guys,
here come the guys
They comin' y'all
(audience applause)
(big band music)
- Hold that crowd back,
hold that crowd back.
Hold them back.
- That's enough, now.
Down, boy.
Happy you could join
us for the next hour.
- It should be quite
an hour over there.
A very special guest,
Sammy Davis Junior.
- You really dig Sam, don't you?
- Oh, I guess so.
You know when
he does that, "Hey,"
Fat Albert routine, it kills me.
- I think you're
a little confused.
- "Old Weird Harold."
- You're talking
about Bill Cosby.
- Bill Cosby's on too?
Oh I love it when he sings
Where the blue of the night
- That's not Bill Cosby.
Meets the gold of
the day - No, Crosby.
That's Crosby.
- The guy that loves
his upper language?
- No, not Norm
Crosby, Bing Crosby.
Bing Bing Bing.
- Bang bang bang.
Got ya.
- He married Kathy Grant.
- Oh, good for him.
- Well, I guess
there's only one way
to clear this up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our very very special guest
for this evening, Mister
Sammy Davis Junior.
(audience applause)
Oh it's great to
have you here, Sam.
- Well, you know
how it is with you guys.
We've known each
other so long, Dick, Dan,
it's my honor to
be back with you.
- Thank you and incidentally
congratulations, Sam.
- Congratulations for what?
- Well, Dan just told me
you married Kathy Grant.
- No no I never
said any such thing.
I've been trying to explain
to this ding-dong, Sammy,
how delighted we are
that you dropped in.
- Ho ho ho, no dropping in.
Don't say, "Drop,
fall, roll," nothing.
I know this show.
There'll be a hole here
and I'll go through it.
None of that anymore.
- Hey, hey, listen,
anything you say, Sam.
- Sam, you're out
just a little bit early.
We weren't ready for ya.
- Well, you know the
reason I came out, guys.
- No, why?
- Not only because
I love you only,
but because it's time for one
of my favorite
departments in Laugh-In.
- Oh really, what is it?
- Potpourri.
- Oh, wah.
- We all know, that for years
our servicemen
have been entertained
by America's finest performers.
What is not well-known is that
behind the Iron Curtain,
countries also
provide entertainment
for their troops.
(audience applause)
(Russian ballad)
(Russian singing and tapping)
- I slept in a farmhouse
the other night
and the farmer said to me,
I had to stay with his tractor.
- You've got the worst
accent I've ever heard
in my life.
That's for number one,
why didn't you stay
with his daughter?
- Believe me, if you
had seen his daughter
you'd rather stay
with the tractor.
(jazzy Russian music)
- Cut, cut cut.
- Cut, I don't want
to hear no more.
- What do you get when
cross the Berlin Wall
with an East German?
- About halfway.
(mamba music)
And comrades, we'll
be right here next year.
- 'Cause we know you
will be here next year.
(Russian polka music)
(audience cheering)
- Yes.
"Triangle" by Irving Lazhar.
(thunderclap)
"Suddenly, the door
opened and Natalie rushed in.
"She's wearing
nothing under her coat,
"except a nightgown."
- Joseph.
- "She called, and a man
came through the door.
"Was it Joseph, her lover?"
- Darling.
- "He said," no, no it should
be Edward, her husband.
Joseph or Edward?
Edward or Joseph?
Joseph.
No, Edward.
No it's Joseph.
(excited cheering)
They kiss.
No, they embrace.
No, they kiss.
No, they embrace.
"Suddenly, Edward
enters and pulls his gun
"from his shoulder holster."
(screaming)
His jacket pocket.
(screaming)
His trouser pocket.
(screaming)
From his belt.
(screaming)
No, maybe it should be a knife.
(screaming)
No, it's a gun.
- Look out.
- "Screamed Natalie.
Edward shoots Joseph."
(gun fires)
No no no, Joseph shoots Edward.
(gun fires)
No, Joseph shoots Natalie.
(gun fires)
No no.
Edward shoots Natalie.
(gun fires)
(dying grunts)
Edward and Joseph
shoot each other.
(multiple gunshots)
(multiple gunshots)
The end.
- I never liked his book anyway.
(audience laughter)
- Hey get-a your
tootsie footsie ice cream.
Get your tootsie
footsie ice cream.
Ah, things have sure picked up
since I traded in the monkey.
- Don't jump.
Father Clarity, thank
goodness you're here,
there's a man here on the ledge
and I think he's going to jump.
- Oh, where is he?
- I'm not gonna jump.
- Perhaps I can talk,
I can talk him
out of it, perhaps.
- No, I just dropped my contacts
out of my eye.
- Don't jump, boy, don't jump.
- If I can just get
this shutter here,
just get the shutter.
- I can't (screams)
(slide down whistle)
- Oh, well, at least
he didn't jump.
- And that just about
wraps it up, folks, y'all.
For our potpourri
department tonight.
Anything you care to
add to that, Mister Davis?
Junior.
- Oh, just one word
(laughing), got ya.
- Sammy, that's two words.
- No, when we
say it on the corner,
the brothers just say, "Gotya."
- I'll tell ya what
it means, sir.
It means that you
have a split personality.
Inside,
you are actually
two different people.
- Yes, but, what
does it mean, doctor?
- It means that
I'm going to have to
charge you double.
- This town ain't big
enough for the both of us.
- Why don't we go
to Cleveland, then?
(audience laughter)
- Johnny wouldn't
eat his lunch today
and at snack time he wouldn't
eat his milk and cookies.
- Well, that does it.
Tonight I'm gonna
send him to bed
without any supper.
(audience laughter)
- I'm a Greek fly.
- I'm a British fly.
- Buenos dias, amigos.
(audience laughter)
- Well for one thing,
you're much too childish.
After all, you're a
42 year old man,
you act like a baby
and if you don't discontinue
I'm going to tell your
mother, so myeh.
(audience laughter)
- Okay, draw.
- Oh, now just a minute,
I told you never to point guns.
- Oh ma, please don't
- Now come in the
house and wash that off.
- I must say your
Johnny is doing very well
in the first grade.
- Well, why shouldn't he be?
Last year he was
in the second grade.
(playful music)
- Tell me the truth,
ain't you seen my wagon?
- Hey, what's the
matter, little boy?
- I lost my wagon, and I'm lost
and I got 15
sisters and brothers.
And you know somethin'?
With all them people
around the house
it gonna be a month
before anybody miss me.
(audience laughter)
(funky music)
(slide whistle)
(beating snare drum)
Here comes the news,
here comes the news
Here comes the news,
here comes the news
Watch the news across the nation
We've got the information
Anyway, we hope we'll amuse You
We just love to
give you our Views
A dick-a-dow-dow-dow
I don't want to be too bold
Gonna bring Dan
out before I get too old
Laugh-In
Here come the news,
here come the news,
Here come the news,
here come the news,
The news is coming, yeah
The news is coming, yeah
- Kinda hate to interrupt that
but now with the
news of the present,
here's a man who
the news wouldn't be
the news without the
news, here's Dicky.
(big band music)
(audience applause)
- I don't know what to say.
(laughing)
Charleston, South Carolina.
Dawn Simmons, the Englishman who
became a female,
recently gave birth
to a baby boy.
A close friend commented,
"I only hope he'll grow up to be
"half the man his mother was."
(audience laughter)
Hold it down, hold it down.
Operation Search
went into full-swing today
when investigations of
male students' lockers.
Hmm.
(laughter)
Well, that's the way it goes.
So far, the inspectors
have uncovered
the following suspicious items,
three bags of
licorice jellybeans,
a pair of high heel pumps,
a rhinestone whip,
and a book on the
invasions of privacy,
And a partridge in a pear tree
(laughter and applause)
San Francisco.
Judge Martin
Ransohoff today declared
the ban on total nude dancing
as a violation of the
constitutional guarantee
of free speech.
The judge stated it is
every American male's,
and here it comes, folks,
inalienable right to yell,
"Yeah, baby!"
Take it away, Goldie.
(drum roll)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me extreme pleasure
to and diminish gratification.
(hysterical laughter)
To be entrusting
the complexities
of certain... Oh, thank you.
And auditory delight (laughing)
to herald the arrival
of one foremost
practitioning (giggling)
of the art of news broadcasting,
Mister Dan Rowan.
- You know, that's
easy for you to say.
- Where did you come from?
- You oughta take
the judge and...
Thank you.
(audience laughter)
- We forgot something, yeah?
- What did all of that
she said before meant?
What did it mean?
- Well what it mean,
here come the Dan.
- All right.
They could keep you
going like that for hours
but now it's time to settle down
some of the more serious news.
Here's the news of the future.
(laughing)
Well, that's infectious.
New York City, 1989,
20 years from now.
And he's the straight man.
Little hope is held
out for world harmony,
the latest reports show the
Arabs are still
fighting the Jews,
the Catholics are still
fighting the Protestants,
the blacks are still
fighting the whites,
and this morning
the United Nation
declared war on the Peace Corps.
Los Angeles, California, 1989,
20 years from now.
Another attempt was made today
to solve Los Angeles'
air pollution problem
by mixing marijuana
with gasoline.
Concerned citizens feel
the attempt was a failure
and that the smog
is still as bad as ever,
however, early reports
would tend to indicate
that nobody seemed
to care quite as much.
(audience laughter)
In America today, there
is a great deal of confusion
over racial terminology.
The question facing
the average white person
is exactly what do the members
of a certain minority group
prefer to be called, this week.
(waiting room music)
- You know Ellie Mae,
I think it would
be real neighborly
if I went over and struck up
a conversation with
that negro gentleman.
- Well, now wait
a minute, Homer,
some don't like
to be called negro.
Now, I read the statistics
in order of preference
on what they want to be called.
Negro is 38%,
colored people is
20%, black 19%,
Afro-American 10%,
and 7% not sure.
- Welcome, boy, I'd
like to speak to you.
- What can I do for you, whitey?
- Now just hold on
another darn minute, boy,
statistics show only 4%
of us like being called,
"whitey".
65% prefer sir
and 40% prefer boss.
- Oh, I see.
- My group isn't sure.
- Not sure about what?
- Well, we're not
sure we want you
to speak to us at all.
(laughing)
- I'm gonna go burn
his house down.
- Mister, um, uh,
- Goldie, remember,
it's just like the car.
- Just like the car, yeah.
See ya later Mister Thunderbird.
(audience laughter)
- There oughta be one of them
in every room in the house.
- Mister Thunderbird,
you're cute but you talk funny.
- I think some of the bales fell
out of her hay load.
(triumphant trumpets)
(whimsical music)
- "Friendship," by Henry Gibson.
I'm very attached
to my goldfish.
I'd even stick up
for him in a fight.
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
- I wouldn't.
Sammy Davis.
- Michael, tell
me confidentially,
what do you really
think of Laugh-In?
- Well, actually, it's
rather like cricket,
no one seems to understand it.
- Well, Goldie does.
- Goldie understands Laugh-In?
- No, cricket.
- Now I think everything
will be fine, Charles,
just as soon as
you can get over this
deep attachment for your mother.
- Well, that's not
my problem, doctor.
You see, she's my father.
- Yeah, you jerk.
- I done said, "Boo."
Another, "Hoo."
Boohoo.
I ain't never gonna
find my wagon.
Boohoo.
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I am lost in this big city
for the snares, and
all kids of temptations.
I knew I was gonna get lucky
sooner or later.
(laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(tap dancing)
- Say, man, you
Jews really got rhythm.
- Being colored helps.
- Now here's another
letter to Laugh-In
and for this whimsical
goodie we're paying
two dollars to
Mister Frank Adams
of one-oh-two Bishop Road,
Chelmsford, England, Essex.
- Oh, what's the zip code?
- Well, in England, Jo Anne
we don't have zip codes yet.
- Well, well, what's
his button code?
- And here's Mister Adams' joke.
- I went to the
movies last night
and had to change
my seat three times.
- Oh, why, did
somebody get fresh?
- Yes, eventually.
- Did ya eventually
get his zip code?
(audience laughter)
(hi-hat hissing)
If your screen goes funny,
gonna give you a break
We gonna take a station break
Here comes the break
Here comes the break
Here comes the break
Here comes the break
When the moon comes
over the mountain
(boat horn blows)
- My dear, sweet doctor, I hope
you can help me overcome
my fantastic shyness.
Hi, cutie.
(wailing)
(violent scream)
- Good heavens,
little boy, what on earth
is the matter with you?
- Don't you know
what's wrong, mister?
- What?
- I'm lost.
I done forgotten my name
and my mommy sowed
my name in my clothes.
I'm either side of fold,
Botany 500,
or Barry Dillon.
And I miss my mommy.
- Well, I've seen your mommy
and I don't blame
you, I miss her too.
- You gonna give me some candy?
- I asked my real
husband if he would play
the role of my
television husband
and he said, "What?
"And give up shoe business?"
Wrong, Harry.
- Wasn't that Debbie Reynolds?
- Yeah, and guess who's gonna be
on The Debbie Reynolds
Show tomorrow night.
- You?
- No, Debbie Reynolds.
- Oh, she'll be
glad to hear that.
- That she's gonna
be on her own show?
- No, that you're not.
(audience laughter)
- Showtime again
and still no scoop
for the night.
- I got it, I got it.
- Oh.
- This past weekend,
while motor-boating
with Steve McQueen and his wife,
Jim Garner fell into the water,
but Steve dived
in and saved him.
- Well, have I got a
hot one for you tonight,
gossip grabbers.
- This weekend, in
front of his own wife,
Steve McQueen went
completely overboard
for Jim Garner.
- I heard that recently one
of your American airmen
accidentally shot down
one of your own planes.
He feels terrible about it,
but at Berkeley, he's
considered an ace.
- Where were you
when we rehearsed this
all last week?
- Is that your impression
of Hal Le Roy?
- No no, but that's the
little number that you
- Well I couldn't
come in on Monday.
What, you wouldn't expect
me to work on a holiday,
would you?
- On a holiday, what
holiday was Monday?
- Oh, didn't you know?
It's Cesar Romero's birthday.
- Oh, well, couldn't miss that.
Where were you Tuesday?
- Anniversary party.
- Whose?
- Zsa Zsa Gabor's.
- On Tuesday?
- And Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday.
- Yeah, well, never mind,
you like parties so much,
come on.
- Is this your birthday?
- No.
(audience applause)
(groovy music)
- My son and daughter-in-law
are very inconsiderate.
Why they play the
television set so loud,
I can't overhear
a word they say.
(groovy music)
- If you believe so
strongly in reincarnation,
then why not make out a will
living everything to yourself?
(groovy music)
- Mister Rosmenko,
in the old country
do the people understand
the policies of your leaders?
- Oh, Mister Ro-mum,
in old counkry, we got a
crack-a-be-ge bil-I-ge-ka.
- Credibility.
- Yeah, same.
And the government doesn't
believe anything the people say.
Which is all right,
because the people
aren't allowed to say too much.
(laughter)
(groovy music)
- Well, Jeremy, will the morale
of the British
sailor be affected
by this cancellation of
their daily rum ration?
- Well, certainly.
I mean, how would
you like to stand
on the deck of a ship singing,
"Yo ho ho and a
can of cream soda"?
(groovy music)
- Listen, I hear eight
more green berets
were rounded up today.
Seven Girl Scouts holding out
on their cookies and a
somewhat eccentric French artist.
(audience laughter)
- Boris believes in
the Bolshevik motto,
"From each
according to his ability
"to each according to his need."
Unfortunately, his ability can't
keep up with our needs.
(audience laughter)
- Sammy.
- Yeah?
- You know they're
thinking of making the draft
into a lottery?
- Yeah, now instead
of saying, "Greetings,"
your draft notice will
read, "Congratulations,
"baby, you just won
free, all-expense trip
"paid to Vietnam."
(groovy music)
- You know I think a man
should try to watch his weight.
- How about a woman?
- No thanks, I'm
trying to give 'em up.
(audience laughter)
- Goldie?
- What?
- You know, I heard
there are alligators
in the New York sewer system.
- Yes, but that's
a rumor, isn't it?
- Uh, yeah, maybe, but
do you wanna be the one
to go out there
and check it out?
(audience laughter)
- You know, Sam?
They won't lower the voting age.
I guess they figure
what does an 18 year old
fighting in Vietnam know
about national issues.
(groovy music)
- You know, Goldie, I don't know
if you've thought about this,
but the Russians are
having terrible trouble
with their Chinese border.
- Well why don't they tell them
to just pay his rent or get out?
(audience laughter)
- When I first came to Hollywood
I had a job as a car hop.
But I had to give it up,
it was too tiring
hopping in and out
of all those cars.
(audience laughter)
- Last week I
painted a still life
of a bag of garbage.
It was so realistic
that this morning
my mother threw it out.
(audience laughter)
- Hey you know,
Sam, recently a judge
in California went
to a night club
to observe two topless dancers.
- Well, I guess you gotta say
he was lookin' for a fair shake.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
(whimsical music)
- Well it's, once again, time
for The Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- And pray tell who gets the
interestingly ingenious
index this week?
- Well now it seems the
American Petroleum Institute
spokesman, Mister Karen King,
who is head of the committee
on Air and Water Conservation,
has asked for public patience
with the Los Angeles
smog problem
and he decried, "The
passion and emotionalism,"
he said, "is making much
of the response to smog."
- I guess he means
all that heavy breathing
and tears makes smog
effective more, right?
- Perhaps that's it.
Mister King also
said that industry
should be given 10 or 15 years
to improve internal
combustion engines.
- Well that oughta do it.
There won't be anyone
around in 10 or 15 years
to make the engines make smog.
- Yeah, that may be so.
- Think about it.
- Now he has said
that it has taken
a hundred and eighty-eight years
for the current pollution
problems to develop
and that,
realistically, citizens
shouldn't expect
solutions overnight,
for Heaven's sake.
- I didn't know we
had cars a hundred
and eighty-eight years ago.
- Why, of course.
- But it appears to be
a nice, slick answer.
- Oh, speaking of slick,
Mister King also has
said that the oil leak
in Santa Barbara last winter
wasn't really so bad after all.
- Well, I guess there's
no question about it.
- Yep.
- Mister King and the
American Petroleum Institute,
here's an overnight
solution to smog,
just grease this up with
some Santa Barbara oil
and allow 10 or 15
years for it to clean itself.
- It'll be as good as new.
(mumbling to self)
- A peanut butter sandwich
would look good
if you were there.
(cackling)
You wanna see a moon, gotya?
- What's a gotya?
- See the moon?
Gotya.
(cackling)
- Hey, I think she
wrinkled her prune.
- See, my dear
lady, it's simply that
you lack confidence in others.
Now, you're going
to have to learn
to trust other people.
Okay?
That'll be all today
and that'll be 50
dollars, please.
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry, doc,
I'm afraid I'll have to
pay you on my next visit.
- Well, how do I know
you'll come back?
- Trust me.
- I say, stranger,
I've just ridden into town
and I'm looking for trouble.
(gun fires)
Thank you.
(audience laughter)
- Last week, Johnny
stood right in front of me
and hit me with a spitball.
Why, only this morning, he threw
a spitball at me
from across the room.
- Well, gotta admit he's
getting better distance.
(laughter)
(inconsolable wailing)
- Oh, well, well,
what have we here?
What's the matter, little boy?
- You see, I'm lost.
- Uh huh.
- And I'm lonely.
- Uh huh.
- And I'm blue.
Well, I'm lost and lonely.
(laughing)
- Recess.
(guns firing)
- Funny, everyone thought
they were Hollywood's
happiest couple.
- Doctor Bone, I don't know why
but for some reason,
no matter what I do,
I seem to alienate people.
- I don't know why you say that.
- Where is you, wagon?
Wagon?
I can't find it.
(sobbing)
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I'm a lost, little boy.
You know where I can
find any lost, little girls?
- I'll tell you, follow me.
Come on.
- Good evening.
Tonight we have with us
one of the great
Scandinavian storytellers
of all-time with a
folk tale from Finland.
As you know, the Finnish people
started out near Lapland
where they finished
by three laps.
These Finns had an ancient tale,
but otherwise a
youthful appearance.
Anyway, this old
tale was handed down
from Finn to Finn,
or from Finn to Lap,
or, it's just possible,
from Lap to Lap.
Any event, when
it got down to him,
our guest tonight,
he didn't know his Lap
from his tale.
Anyway, here he is, and
the story goes like this.
(speaking Finnish)
You may stop him
if you've heard this.
(audience laughter)
(speaking Finnish)
I will translate.
"Once upon a time,
there was a man named
"Hans Telefunkin, who was
a handsome young lover,
"or an old blacksmith."
(speaking Finnish)
"Hans was always hammering away,
"so obviously he was young."
(audience laughter)
(speaking Finnish)
"Hans was a brave swordsman,
"or a brain surgeon."
(speaking Finnish)
Aha, aha, aha.
He was a brave swordsman
who occasionally took a stab
at brain surgery.
(speaking Finnish)
"One day, Hans was
riding through the forest
"on his jackass, Marvin,
"when a wicked
wizard changed Marvin,
"the jackass, into a
fire-breathing monster
"with scales."
(speaking Finnish)
"And every since that day,
"Hans Marvin was a dragon
"and it's pretty tough
going through life
"with your Marvin a dragon too."
(laughing)
That is rather droll.
I must admit that
this translation
and in translating the
Scandinavian folk tale,
my Finnish wasn't too good.
But then, you must admit,
that my beginning wasn't either.
(laughing)
(speaking Finnish)
- You Billy the Kid?
- No.
- You Wyatt Earp?
- No.
- Jesse James?
- No. (laughing)
- Well then who are you?
- Do the name Ruby
Begonia strike a familiar note?
(laughter)
- Nobody seems to understand me.
- Well, what do you mean?
- See?
(audience laughter)
- What's wrong, little boy?
- Don't you know I'm lost?
Don't you know that?
I done asked a hundred
people today where I live.
Nobody even knows.
Some people sho is dumb.
- No, sure are dumb.
(whimsical music)
There's nothing really wrong
with being short, you know
No nothing's really wrong
with being sort of short
A little guy is smarter
than a jerk who's tall
'Cause if they knock us
down it's not so far to fall
And falling down is
really Arte's favorite sport
Nothing's wrong
with being sort of short
Short, short
We never get bugged
with fog down here
We never find a trace
of smog down here
We love to see a low-cut gown
Or sniff a rose
and not bend down
"A Rose" by Henry Gibson.
- Will you get back here?
And flower sniffing's
Henry Gibson's favorite sport
Nothing's wrong
with being sort of short
Short, short It's time
the cuckoos realize
We're as big as there a
cat that's twice the size
There's lots more
things that we can do
For instance, just
standing around the corner
Digging the groovy point of view
There comes the point of view.
And viewing chicks is
really Sammy's favorite sport
Nothing's really
wrong with being
Sam and Hank and Art can see
There's nothing really
wrong with being short
Jo and Tres and Pam agree
There's nothing
wrong with being sorta
- Come here, little fella.
There's nothing
wrong with being sorta
- Ah, you're really a tiger.
There's nothing
wrong with being sorta
- Get on over here, baby.
There's nothing wrong
with being sorta short
Short, short, short,
short, short, short
- We lost Mississippi.
(audience applause)
- Tippy, Canoe,
and Tyler got wet.
And me too.
- Okay, punk, draw.
(gun fires)
- But you gotta
admit, I look better.
- Mrs. Johnson, Johnny
hasn't been in school for a week.
Did you know he
was playing hooky?
- No, I didn't know
a thing about it.
I haven't seen him for a month.
- Well then,
Mr. Gregory, tell me,
how long have you
been under the illusion
that you're invisible?
(audience laughter)
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I'm a lost little boy.
My momma won't ever more tuck me
into bed at night.
Wake me up in the mornin'.
Help me wash my face.
She ain't never gonna have
to make me comb my hair.
I won't have to shine my shoes.
Make my bed.
Pick up the clothes.
Go to school.
I'm a lost little boy.
- And I'm a lost little girl.
- I say, haven't the
Americans come a long way
since the days of
the Boston Tea Party?
- Yes, Jeremy.
Now, instead of tea, they dump
surplus food in the ocean.
- Have you ever noticed
that no matter how articulate,
how advanced in society
we become as a people,
there are certain
things we will always do.
One is, what's that you say?
- Tennessee Ernie.
Guess what, I've seen
all your plays, darling,
and I particularly liked
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
Or roof.
- I'm afraid, I'm, I'm
afraid you've got confused
I'm with Tennessee Williams.
- Oh no no no.
- I'm Tennessee Ernie, remember?
- Oh, that's right.
Well then you
know my secret now.
Geography isn't my life.
(smooching)
- I'll bet she got an
A in everything else.
- What is that?
Something in the air tonight.
- I know, it's me, take a whiff.
- You're in the air tonight?
- Yeah, smell the
nap of my neck.
- Well, I don't
know you that well,
but you do smell fragrant.
What is that, some
aftershave lotion
that some guy pawned off on you?
- It's a new soap.
- A new scented soap.
You're wearing scented soap.
- Yup, scented soap.
Seven feet tall
and two feet wide.
- What's seven feet
tall and two feet wide?
- My new bar of scented soap.
- Well that's really silly.
You couldn't even pick up a bar
of soap as big as that.
- Well you don't have to.
You just get wet,
climb to the top,
hold on and slide down.
(laughter)
- Get ready to lather
up for a few quickies.
- Good idea.
And for that answer
you get a box of Snickers.
- A box of Sni, I remember that.
Now Doctor IQ I have
a lady in a balcony.
- I hope she stays
around for some quickies.
(hi-hat hissing)
There are a lot of
things that I think is kicky
But here comes the favorite
shtick of Dan and Dicky
Here comes the quickies
Here comes the quickies
Here comes the quickies
- My darling, shall
we make a toast
and seal our love by
smashing our glasses
against the wall?
- Oh yes, my darling, to us.
- To us.
(glasses smash)
- Jeez, boy, I
really feel terrible.
Must be coming down with a cold.
I think I'll call my doctor.
Four, four, two,
one, nine, seven.
- [Doctor Lazarus] Hello,
this is Doctor Lazarus.
Take two aspirin,
drink plenty of liquids,
and stay in bed.
This is a recording.
- Dear, when are we
going to get some drapes?
Do you realize if I
took my clothes off,
the Smiths would see me?
- Don't worry, dear,
if you take your clothes off
the Smiths will
draw their drapes.
(audience laughter)
- What'll it be?
- Could I please
have a Black Russian?
- One Black Russian, coming up.
(audience laughter)
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(audience laughter)
- You seem to
have a bad cataract.
- Oh no, have
Rinkin Continental.
- Also an excellent memory.
We just did the quickies
Those tricky little quickies
Those kicky, tricky
quickies just like
Dan and Dicky said
we would, good lord
If they made ya sicky
Much too picky picky
'Cause a quickie
is indubitably good
Good lord.
- Hey.
James Brown
would be proud of ya.
- Psst, who won?
- We did, old chap.
Germany has surrendered.
- Which way to Argentina?
Mucho interesantay.
Cha-cha-cha.
- Now there goes
a gay caballero.
- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.
- Hey, before we
go, I'd just like to say
a special thanks to
the doctors of America
for their constant,
untiring effort
to keep us all
happy and healthy.
- Oh, what a nice
thing for you to say.
No jokes in there,
just a nice thing.
- There's no jokes, you see.
I got this lady doctor
who makes house calls.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- She keeps me
as happy as healthy
as you can get.
- And we also wanna
thank our very special guest
who was such a gas
tonight, Sammy Davis Junior.
- Oh yeah, we've
got to hear it for Sam.
(audience applause)
- Wait, wait, wait.
What's the matter?
Didn't ya have a ball?
Gee, you were great tonight
- Gosh, you were wonderful.
- All right, thank you
for the compliment
but Dan, Dick, I, Dick,
Dan, I gotta say this to ya.
- That's not even close.
- All white guys
look alike to me.
I just gotta tell ya,
to my two friends
who I've known over 20 years,
I've had it, man.
I come on your show,
I never get a chance to sing.
I make a lotta records.
- Sure you sing.
The last time you were
on the show you sang.
- Oh, what was that?
- You wanna finish
the song, is that it?
- I'd like to do one
chorus of a whole song.
- Hey, I happen to
love your singing,
are you kidding?
I love it.
- Will I sing one number?
- Anything you wanna sing.
- I gotta number from
"Blood, Sweat, and Tears"
that happens to be my new album
and it's a swinger.
- Give him some room.
- The music, Ian, I
told you we could do it.
- Okay, go ahead,
baby, go ahead.
What goes up, must come down
- Got you again, little fella.
(hysterical laughter)
- I ain't never comin' back.
Do you understand that?
Never coming back again.
- You say you ain't coming back
but you know you
love it around here.
(audience laughter)
- Is that any way to treat a
colored, Jewish superstar?
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Say goodnight, Sam.
- Oh goodnight, you idiot.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applause)
- Uh, Ernie, did you hear about
the Martian who landed
and saw a fire hydrant?
- No I didn't, what happened?
- Well he called his
friend over and said,
"Look, I found a fire hydrant."
- Goldie, your heart's
in the right place
it's your head
I'm worried about.
- Well I got an A
in everything else.
- Did you know today is Don
and Idaho's wedding anniversary?
- Do you wanna speak
up a little bit there, fella?
- Don't let him push ya, Sam.
- Did you know that
today is Don and Idaho's
wedding anniversary?
- Well, who cares, Sam?
- Hey, Henry.
- [Henry] Yes?
- Henry, in a
submarine, did you know
they put three beds,
one on top of each other.
- That must be because
it's Dan and Idaho's
wedding anniversary.
- Hey, while you're
hot, come out here.
What do you get if you cross
The Rolling Stones
with The Beatles
or The Beatles with
The Rolling Stones?
- I dunno, what do you get?
- How about a bunch
of mashed potatoes?
(hysterical laughter)
To serve at the anniversary.
Or is that ploy?
- What am I gonna
get Dan and Idaho
for their wedding anniversary?
(hysterical laughter)
- Pea soup.
- Listen to Sam, go ahead, Sam.
- Do you know that my
brother is a kleptomaniac?
- Your half-brother?
(laughter)
I didn't answer.
- "I didn't answer."
- Sammy.
- [Sammy] Yeah?
- I hear you have
a half-brother.
- I'm too busy
trying to figure out
what to buy for Don and Idaho.
- You got the answer to this
but Dick Martin already knows,
if you had to
(unintelligible gargling)
- Just spit it
right out Jo Anne.
- Darling, do you
know the trouble
that a girl has to go through
to get a mink coat?
- No.
- It's very boring.
(laughter)
- How about a
bite after the show?
- No I gotta date.
- Oh, you're going
out to eat with her?
- That's close.
No I'm going with
Sammy and Idaho.
(laughter)
- Hi there, I came back.
(shouting)
(drums banging)
(horses neighing and galloping)
(timpani banging)
- I'm the fastest
gun in the West.
- Oh yeah?
Prove it.
- Wanna see it again?
(gun fires)
What'd you do that for?
- To put an end to that
joke once and for all.
- When you're
right, you're right.
- Your son Johnny is a liar.
He lies all the time.
He enjoys lying and he
says that you encourage him.
- Well what do you
wanna listen to him for?
You know what a liar he is.
- The preceding
show was pre-recorded
under very unusual
circumstances.
None of the cast was there.
- In London, during the Blitz,
we were bombed
practically every night.
- Very interesting.
You know, in Germany,
during the war,
I was stoned for
two years, one night.
(laughter)
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Now that Dick and Dan
have gone for a minute
I figured this would
be a good time
- Hey Sam, Sam, listen,
they just give me a good one,
really, not to interrupt.
What has,
what's black and white
and has two eyes?
- Don't tell me, let
me guess, a zebra.
- Pretty close,
Sam. It's very good.
No, but it isn't right.
- Okay, all right, Judy,
I love you, you're
my favorite lady,
but, tell me, what
is black and white
and has two eyes?
- You ready?
- Yes.
- You and Moshe Dayan.
(audience laughter)
- How about this?
Queen of Bad Taste, wrong,
adorable, charming, I
hope they sock it to you.
- Oh, hey, they don't
do that anymore.
Can't do that, they buried that.
- It's all over?
- Yeah, they don't
do it anymore.
Last week, we buried it.
- Okay, but can I finish now?
- However, they might do it
to the guest now.
You know, they just might.
- Hold it.
- You never know.
- To whitey they might do it,
but I happen to be a
very important person,
they would not dare do it
(erupting laughter)
- Sam, see?
- To me.
- You opened your
mouth, you know?
You opened your mouth.
- How about this?
(mimicking Native chanting)
- What is that, Sam?
Oh, a nice and low one.
I liked it.
My hair didn't get
it, isn't that great?
(both imitate Native chanting)
(audience laughter)
- Michael Caine.
Michael Caine, I
mustn't forget it.
Michael Caine.
Michael Caine.
- Uh, Goldie?
I'm Michael Caine.
- Please, not now, I'm trying
to remember something.
(audience laughter)
Michael Caine, Michael Caine.
- I just don't get
British humor.
- I watch Laugh-In
because my doctor
told me to stay
away from too much
fun and excitement.
- From the beautiful
downtown Burbank
all-night diner and
smog alert center,
NBC winds up and lets you have
the old one-two,
known as Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring bedazzling Dan Rowan
and his adorable,
but much older sister,
Dick Martin.
Tonight's special guest is
the right honorable judge
Samuel Davis
Junior, a em-i-na-fant.
Judy Carne.
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Alan Sues.
And everybody's
favorite all-clear signal,
Jo Anne Worley.
And the new prizes in
our box of Cracker Jacks,
Teresa Graves.
Pamela Rodgers.
Jeremy Lloyd.
Byron Gilliam.
And yours truly, Gary Owens.
Star of stage,
screen, and teleview.
And Morgul, the Friendly Drelb,
doing his
ever-popular fire dance.
But before we light your fire,
this hot message.
(whistling)
- Hi, guy, I was just
getting a bottle I forgot.
- Hey, baby.
- Would you like
to meet my wife?
- Hi.
- Your wife?
I thought she was my wife.
(audience laughter)
You better get outta here,
or you gonna get cut.
- That was your
basic, "I thought
"she was my wife," witticism.
Now here's your
basic, "NBC witticism."
- Boohoo.
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I'm lost.
And if somebody
don't find me real fast,
I'm gonna run away.
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
(hi-hat cymbal hissing)
I'm gonna introduce
'em the best I can
Here comes Dick
and here comes Dan
Here come the guys,
here come the guys
Here come the guys,
here come the guys
They comin' y'all
(audience applause)
(big band music)
- Hold that crowd back,
hold that crowd back.
Hold them back.
- That's enough, now.
Down, boy.
Happy you could join
us for the next hour.
- It should be quite
an hour over there.
A very special guest,
Sammy Davis Junior.
- You really dig Sam, don't you?
- Oh, I guess so.
You know when
he does that, "Hey,"
Fat Albert routine, it kills me.
- I think you're
a little confused.
- "Old Weird Harold."
- You're talking
about Bill Cosby.
- Bill Cosby's on too?
Oh I love it when he sings
Where the blue of the night
- That's not Bill Cosby.
Meets the gold of
the day - No, Crosby.
That's Crosby.
- The guy that loves
his upper language?
- No, not Norm
Crosby, Bing Crosby.
Bing Bing Bing.
- Bang bang bang.
Got ya.
- He married Kathy Grant.
- Oh, good for him.
- Well, I guess
there's only one way
to clear this up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our very very special guest
for this evening, Mister
Sammy Davis Junior.
(audience applause)
Oh it's great to
have you here, Sam.
- Well, you know
how it is with you guys.
We've known each
other so long, Dick, Dan,
it's my honor to
be back with you.
- Thank you and incidentally
congratulations, Sam.
- Congratulations for what?
- Well, Dan just told me
you married Kathy Grant.
- No no I never
said any such thing.
I've been trying to explain
to this ding-dong, Sammy,
how delighted we are
that you dropped in.
- Ho ho ho, no dropping in.
Don't say, "Drop,
fall, roll," nothing.
I know this show.
There'll be a hole here
and I'll go through it.
None of that anymore.
- Hey, hey, listen,
anything you say, Sam.
- Sam, you're out
just a little bit early.
We weren't ready for ya.
- Well, you know the
reason I came out, guys.
- No, why?
- Not only because
I love you only,
but because it's time for one
of my favorite
departments in Laugh-In.
- Oh really, what is it?
- Potpourri.
- Oh, wah.
- We all know, that for years
our servicemen
have been entertained
by America's finest performers.
What is not well-known is that
behind the Iron Curtain,
countries also
provide entertainment
for their troops.
(audience applause)
(Russian ballad)
(Russian singing and tapping)
- I slept in a farmhouse
the other night
and the farmer said to me,
I had to stay with his tractor.
- You've got the worst
accent I've ever heard
in my life.
That's for number one,
why didn't you stay
with his daughter?
- Believe me, if you
had seen his daughter
you'd rather stay
with the tractor.
(jazzy Russian music)
- Cut, cut cut.
- Cut, I don't want
to hear no more.
- What do you get when
cross the Berlin Wall
with an East German?
- About halfway.
(mamba music)
And comrades, we'll
be right here next year.
- 'Cause we know you
will be here next year.
(Russian polka music)
(audience cheering)
- Yes.
"Triangle" by Irving Lazhar.
(thunderclap)
"Suddenly, the door
opened and Natalie rushed in.
"She's wearing
nothing under her coat,
"except a nightgown."
- Joseph.
- "She called, and a man
came through the door.
"Was it Joseph, her lover?"
- Darling.
- "He said," no, no it should
be Edward, her husband.
Joseph or Edward?
Edward or Joseph?
Joseph.
No, Edward.
No it's Joseph.
(excited cheering)
They kiss.
No, they embrace.
No, they kiss.
No, they embrace.
"Suddenly, Edward
enters and pulls his gun
"from his shoulder holster."
(screaming)
His jacket pocket.
(screaming)
His trouser pocket.
(screaming)
From his belt.
(screaming)
No, maybe it should be a knife.
(screaming)
No, it's a gun.
- Look out.
- "Screamed Natalie.
Edward shoots Joseph."
(gun fires)
No no no, Joseph shoots Edward.
(gun fires)
No, Joseph shoots Natalie.
(gun fires)
No no.
Edward shoots Natalie.
(gun fires)
(dying grunts)
Edward and Joseph
shoot each other.
(multiple gunshots)
(multiple gunshots)
The end.
- I never liked his book anyway.
(audience laughter)
- Hey get-a your
tootsie footsie ice cream.
Get your tootsie
footsie ice cream.
Ah, things have sure picked up
since I traded in the monkey.
- Don't jump.
Father Clarity, thank
goodness you're here,
there's a man here on the ledge
and I think he's going to jump.
- Oh, where is he?
- I'm not gonna jump.
- Perhaps I can talk,
I can talk him
out of it, perhaps.
- No, I just dropped my contacts
out of my eye.
- Don't jump, boy, don't jump.
- If I can just get
this shutter here,
just get the shutter.
- I can't (screams)
(slide down whistle)
- Oh, well, at least
he didn't jump.
- And that just about
wraps it up, folks, y'all.
For our potpourri
department tonight.
Anything you care to
add to that, Mister Davis?
Junior.
- Oh, just one word
(laughing), got ya.
- Sammy, that's two words.
- No, when we
say it on the corner,
the brothers just say, "Gotya."
- I'll tell ya what
it means, sir.
It means that you
have a split personality.
Inside,
you are actually
two different people.
- Yes, but, what
does it mean, doctor?
- It means that
I'm going to have to
charge you double.
- This town ain't big
enough for the both of us.
- Why don't we go
to Cleveland, then?
(audience laughter)
- Johnny wouldn't
eat his lunch today
and at snack time he wouldn't
eat his milk and cookies.
- Well, that does it.
Tonight I'm gonna
send him to bed
without any supper.
(audience laughter)
- I'm a Greek fly.
- I'm a British fly.
- Buenos dias, amigos.
(audience laughter)
- Well for one thing,
you're much too childish.
After all, you're a
42 year old man,
you act like a baby
and if you don't discontinue
I'm going to tell your
mother, so myeh.
(audience laughter)
- Okay, draw.
- Oh, now just a minute,
I told you never to point guns.
- Oh ma, please don't
- Now come in the
house and wash that off.
- I must say your
Johnny is doing very well
in the first grade.
- Well, why shouldn't he be?
Last year he was
in the second grade.
(playful music)
- Tell me the truth,
ain't you seen my wagon?
- Hey, what's the
matter, little boy?
- I lost my wagon, and I'm lost
and I got 15
sisters and brothers.
And you know somethin'?
With all them people
around the house
it gonna be a month
before anybody miss me.
(audience laughter)
(funky music)
(slide whistle)
(beating snare drum)
Here comes the news,
here comes the news
Here comes the news,
here comes the news
Watch the news across the nation
We've got the information
Anyway, we hope we'll amuse You
We just love to
give you our Views
A dick-a-dow-dow-dow
I don't want to be too bold
Gonna bring Dan
out before I get too old
Laugh-In
Here come the news,
here come the news,
Here come the news,
here come the news,
The news is coming, yeah
The news is coming, yeah
- Kinda hate to interrupt that
but now with the
news of the present,
here's a man who
the news wouldn't be
the news without the
news, here's Dicky.
(big band music)
(audience applause)
- I don't know what to say.
(laughing)
Charleston, South Carolina.
Dawn Simmons, the Englishman who
became a female,
recently gave birth
to a baby boy.
A close friend commented,
"I only hope he'll grow up to be
"half the man his mother was."
(audience laughter)
Hold it down, hold it down.
Operation Search
went into full-swing today
when investigations of
male students' lockers.
Hmm.
(laughter)
Well, that's the way it goes.
So far, the inspectors
have uncovered
the following suspicious items,
three bags of
licorice jellybeans,
a pair of high heel pumps,
a rhinestone whip,
and a book on the
invasions of privacy,
And a partridge in a pear tree
(laughter and applause)
San Francisco.
Judge Martin
Ransohoff today declared
the ban on total nude dancing
as a violation of the
constitutional guarantee
of free speech.
The judge stated it is
every American male's,
and here it comes, folks,
inalienable right to yell,
"Yeah, baby!"
Take it away, Goldie.
(drum roll)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me extreme pleasure
to and diminish gratification.
(hysterical laughter)
To be entrusting
the complexities
of certain... Oh, thank you.
And auditory delight (laughing)
to herald the arrival
of one foremost
practitioning (giggling)
of the art of news broadcasting,
Mister Dan Rowan.
- You know, that's
easy for you to say.
- Where did you come from?
- You oughta take
the judge and...
Thank you.
(audience laughter)
- We forgot something, yeah?
- What did all of that
she said before meant?
What did it mean?
- Well what it mean,
here come the Dan.
- All right.
They could keep you
going like that for hours
but now it's time to settle down
some of the more serious news.
Here's the news of the future.
(laughing)
Well, that's infectious.
New York City, 1989,
20 years from now.
And he's the straight man.
Little hope is held
out for world harmony,
the latest reports show the
Arabs are still
fighting the Jews,
the Catholics are still
fighting the Protestants,
the blacks are still
fighting the whites,
and this morning
the United Nation
declared war on the Peace Corps.
Los Angeles, California, 1989,
20 years from now.
Another attempt was made today
to solve Los Angeles'
air pollution problem
by mixing marijuana
with gasoline.
Concerned citizens feel
the attempt was a failure
and that the smog
is still as bad as ever,
however, early reports
would tend to indicate
that nobody seemed
to care quite as much.
(audience laughter)
In America today, there
is a great deal of confusion
over racial terminology.
The question facing
the average white person
is exactly what do the members
of a certain minority group
prefer to be called, this week.
(waiting room music)
- You know Ellie Mae,
I think it would
be real neighborly
if I went over and struck up
a conversation with
that negro gentleman.
- Well, now wait
a minute, Homer,
some don't like
to be called negro.
Now, I read the statistics
in order of preference
on what they want to be called.
Negro is 38%,
colored people is
20%, black 19%,
Afro-American 10%,
and 7% not sure.
- Welcome, boy, I'd
like to speak to you.
- What can I do for you, whitey?
- Now just hold on
another darn minute, boy,
statistics show only 4%
of us like being called,
"whitey".
65% prefer sir
and 40% prefer boss.
- Oh, I see.
- My group isn't sure.
- Not sure about what?
- Well, we're not
sure we want you
to speak to us at all.
(laughing)
- I'm gonna go burn
his house down.
- Mister, um, uh,
- Goldie, remember,
it's just like the car.
- Just like the car, yeah.
See ya later Mister Thunderbird.
(audience laughter)
- There oughta be one of them
in every room in the house.
- Mister Thunderbird,
you're cute but you talk funny.
- I think some of the bales fell
out of her hay load.
(triumphant trumpets)
(whimsical music)
- "Friendship," by Henry Gibson.
I'm very attached
to my goldfish.
I'd even stick up
for him in a fight.
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
- I wouldn't.
Sammy Davis.
- Michael, tell
me confidentially,
what do you really
think of Laugh-In?
- Well, actually, it's
rather like cricket,
no one seems to understand it.
- Well, Goldie does.
- Goldie understands Laugh-In?
- No, cricket.
- Now I think everything
will be fine, Charles,
just as soon as
you can get over this
deep attachment for your mother.
- Well, that's not
my problem, doctor.
You see, she's my father.
- Yeah, you jerk.
- I done said, "Boo."
Another, "Hoo."
Boohoo.
I ain't never gonna
find my wagon.
Boohoo.
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I am lost in this big city
for the snares, and
all kids of temptations.
I knew I was gonna get lucky
sooner or later.
(laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(tap dancing)
- Say, man, you
Jews really got rhythm.
- Being colored helps.
- Now here's another
letter to Laugh-In
and for this whimsical
goodie we're paying
two dollars to
Mister Frank Adams
of one-oh-two Bishop Road,
Chelmsford, England, Essex.
- Oh, what's the zip code?
- Well, in England, Jo Anne
we don't have zip codes yet.
- Well, well, what's
his button code?
- And here's Mister Adams' joke.
- I went to the
movies last night
and had to change
my seat three times.
- Oh, why, did
somebody get fresh?
- Yes, eventually.
- Did ya eventually
get his zip code?
(audience laughter)
(hi-hat hissing)
If your screen goes funny,
gonna give you a break
We gonna take a station break
Here comes the break
Here comes the break
Here comes the break
Here comes the break
When the moon comes
over the mountain
(boat horn blows)
- My dear, sweet doctor, I hope
you can help me overcome
my fantastic shyness.
Hi, cutie.
(wailing)
(violent scream)
- Good heavens,
little boy, what on earth
is the matter with you?
- Don't you know
what's wrong, mister?
- What?
- I'm lost.
I done forgotten my name
and my mommy sowed
my name in my clothes.
I'm either side of fold,
Botany 500,
or Barry Dillon.
And I miss my mommy.
- Well, I've seen your mommy
and I don't blame
you, I miss her too.
- You gonna give me some candy?
- I asked my real
husband if he would play
the role of my
television husband
and he said, "What?
"And give up shoe business?"
Wrong, Harry.
- Wasn't that Debbie Reynolds?
- Yeah, and guess who's gonna be
on The Debbie Reynolds
Show tomorrow night.
- You?
- No, Debbie Reynolds.
- Oh, she'll be
glad to hear that.
- That she's gonna
be on her own show?
- No, that you're not.
(audience laughter)
- Showtime again
and still no scoop
for the night.
- I got it, I got it.
- Oh.
- This past weekend,
while motor-boating
with Steve McQueen and his wife,
Jim Garner fell into the water,
but Steve dived
in and saved him.
- Well, have I got a
hot one for you tonight,
gossip grabbers.
- This weekend, in
front of his own wife,
Steve McQueen went
completely overboard
for Jim Garner.
- I heard that recently one
of your American airmen
accidentally shot down
one of your own planes.
He feels terrible about it,
but at Berkeley, he's
considered an ace.
- Where were you
when we rehearsed this
all last week?
- Is that your impression
of Hal Le Roy?
- No no, but that's the
little number that you
- Well I couldn't
come in on Monday.
What, you wouldn't expect
me to work on a holiday,
would you?
- On a holiday, what
holiday was Monday?
- Oh, didn't you know?
It's Cesar Romero's birthday.
- Oh, well, couldn't miss that.
Where were you Tuesday?
- Anniversary party.
- Whose?
- Zsa Zsa Gabor's.
- On Tuesday?
- And Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday.
- Yeah, well, never mind,
you like parties so much,
come on.
- Is this your birthday?
- No.
(audience applause)
(groovy music)
- My son and daughter-in-law
are very inconsiderate.
Why they play the
television set so loud,
I can't overhear
a word they say.
(groovy music)
- If you believe so
strongly in reincarnation,
then why not make out a will
living everything to yourself?
(groovy music)
- Mister Rosmenko,
in the old country
do the people understand
the policies of your leaders?
- Oh, Mister Ro-mum,
in old counkry, we got a
crack-a-be-ge bil-I-ge-ka.
- Credibility.
- Yeah, same.
And the government doesn't
believe anything the people say.
Which is all right,
because the people
aren't allowed to say too much.
(laughter)
(groovy music)
- Well, Jeremy, will the morale
of the British
sailor be affected
by this cancellation of
their daily rum ration?
- Well, certainly.
I mean, how would
you like to stand
on the deck of a ship singing,
"Yo ho ho and a
can of cream soda"?
(groovy music)
- Listen, I hear eight
more green berets
were rounded up today.
Seven Girl Scouts holding out
on their cookies and a
somewhat eccentric French artist.
(audience laughter)
- Boris believes in
the Bolshevik motto,
"From each
according to his ability
"to each according to his need."
Unfortunately, his ability can't
keep up with our needs.
(audience laughter)
- Sammy.
- Yeah?
- You know they're
thinking of making the draft
into a lottery?
- Yeah, now instead
of saying, "Greetings,"
your draft notice will
read, "Congratulations,
"baby, you just won
free, all-expense trip
"paid to Vietnam."
(groovy music)
- You know I think a man
should try to watch his weight.
- How about a woman?
- No thanks, I'm
trying to give 'em up.
(audience laughter)
- Goldie?
- What?
- You know, I heard
there are alligators
in the New York sewer system.
- Yes, but that's
a rumor, isn't it?
- Uh, yeah, maybe, but
do you wanna be the one
to go out there
and check it out?
(audience laughter)
- You know, Sam?
They won't lower the voting age.
I guess they figure
what does an 18 year old
fighting in Vietnam know
about national issues.
(groovy music)
- You know, Goldie, I don't know
if you've thought about this,
but the Russians are
having terrible trouble
with their Chinese border.
- Well why don't they tell them
to just pay his rent or get out?
(audience laughter)
- When I first came to Hollywood
I had a job as a car hop.
But I had to give it up,
it was too tiring
hopping in and out
of all those cars.
(audience laughter)
- Last week I
painted a still life
of a bag of garbage.
It was so realistic
that this morning
my mother threw it out.
(audience laughter)
- Hey you know,
Sam, recently a judge
in California went
to a night club
to observe two topless dancers.
- Well, I guess you gotta say
he was lookin' for a fair shake.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
(whimsical music)
- Well it's, once again, time
for The Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- And pray tell who gets the
interestingly ingenious
index this week?
- Well now it seems the
American Petroleum Institute
spokesman, Mister Karen King,
who is head of the committee
on Air and Water Conservation,
has asked for public patience
with the Los Angeles
smog problem
and he decried, "The
passion and emotionalism,"
he said, "is making much
of the response to smog."
- I guess he means
all that heavy breathing
and tears makes smog
effective more, right?
- Perhaps that's it.
Mister King also
said that industry
should be given 10 or 15 years
to improve internal
combustion engines.
- Well that oughta do it.
There won't be anyone
around in 10 or 15 years
to make the engines make smog.
- Yeah, that may be so.
- Think about it.
- Now he has said
that it has taken
a hundred and eighty-eight years
for the current pollution
problems to develop
and that,
realistically, citizens
shouldn't expect
solutions overnight,
for Heaven's sake.
- I didn't know we
had cars a hundred
and eighty-eight years ago.
- Why, of course.
- But it appears to be
a nice, slick answer.
- Oh, speaking of slick,
Mister King also has
said that the oil leak
in Santa Barbara last winter
wasn't really so bad after all.
- Well, I guess there's
no question about it.
- Yep.
- Mister King and the
American Petroleum Institute,
here's an overnight
solution to smog,
just grease this up with
some Santa Barbara oil
and allow 10 or 15
years for it to clean itself.
- It'll be as good as new.
(mumbling to self)
- A peanut butter sandwich
would look good
if you were there.
(cackling)
You wanna see a moon, gotya?
- What's a gotya?
- See the moon?
Gotya.
(cackling)
- Hey, I think she
wrinkled her prune.
- See, my dear
lady, it's simply that
you lack confidence in others.
Now, you're going
to have to learn
to trust other people.
Okay?
That'll be all today
and that'll be 50
dollars, please.
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry, doc,
I'm afraid I'll have to
pay you on my next visit.
- Well, how do I know
you'll come back?
- Trust me.
- I say, stranger,
I've just ridden into town
and I'm looking for trouble.
(gun fires)
Thank you.
(audience laughter)
- Last week, Johnny
stood right in front of me
and hit me with a spitball.
Why, only this morning, he threw
a spitball at me
from across the room.
- Well, gotta admit he's
getting better distance.
(laughter)
(inconsolable wailing)
- Oh, well, well,
what have we here?
What's the matter, little boy?
- You see, I'm lost.
- Uh huh.
- And I'm lonely.
- Uh huh.
- And I'm blue.
Well, I'm lost and lonely.
(laughing)
- Recess.
(guns firing)
- Funny, everyone thought
they were Hollywood's
happiest couple.
- Doctor Bone, I don't know why
but for some reason,
no matter what I do,
I seem to alienate people.
- I don't know why you say that.
- Where is you, wagon?
Wagon?
I can't find it.
(sobbing)
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I'm a lost, little boy.
You know where I can
find any lost, little girls?
- I'll tell you, follow me.
Come on.
- Good evening.
Tonight we have with us
one of the great
Scandinavian storytellers
of all-time with a
folk tale from Finland.
As you know, the Finnish people
started out near Lapland
where they finished
by three laps.
These Finns had an ancient tale,
but otherwise a
youthful appearance.
Anyway, this old
tale was handed down
from Finn to Finn,
or from Finn to Lap,
or, it's just possible,
from Lap to Lap.
Any event, when
it got down to him,
our guest tonight,
he didn't know his Lap
from his tale.
Anyway, here he is, and
the story goes like this.
(speaking Finnish)
You may stop him
if you've heard this.
(audience laughter)
(speaking Finnish)
I will translate.
"Once upon a time,
there was a man named
"Hans Telefunkin, who was
a handsome young lover,
"or an old blacksmith."
(speaking Finnish)
"Hans was always hammering away,
"so obviously he was young."
(audience laughter)
(speaking Finnish)
"Hans was a brave swordsman,
"or a brain surgeon."
(speaking Finnish)
Aha, aha, aha.
He was a brave swordsman
who occasionally took a stab
at brain surgery.
(speaking Finnish)
"One day, Hans was
riding through the forest
"on his jackass, Marvin,
"when a wicked
wizard changed Marvin,
"the jackass, into a
fire-breathing monster
"with scales."
(speaking Finnish)
"And every since that day,
"Hans Marvin was a dragon
"and it's pretty tough
going through life
"with your Marvin a dragon too."
(laughing)
That is rather droll.
I must admit that
this translation
and in translating the
Scandinavian folk tale,
my Finnish wasn't too good.
But then, you must admit,
that my beginning wasn't either.
(laughing)
(speaking Finnish)
- You Billy the Kid?
- No.
- You Wyatt Earp?
- No.
- Jesse James?
- No. (laughing)
- Well then who are you?
- Do the name Ruby
Begonia strike a familiar note?
(laughter)
- Nobody seems to understand me.
- Well, what do you mean?
- See?
(audience laughter)
- What's wrong, little boy?
- Don't you know I'm lost?
Don't you know that?
I done asked a hundred
people today where I live.
Nobody even knows.
Some people sho is dumb.
- No, sure are dumb.
(whimsical music)
There's nothing really wrong
with being short, you know
No nothing's really wrong
with being sort of short
A little guy is smarter
than a jerk who's tall
'Cause if they knock us
down it's not so far to fall
And falling down is
really Arte's favorite sport
Nothing's wrong
with being sort of short
Short, short
We never get bugged
with fog down here
We never find a trace
of smog down here
We love to see a low-cut gown
Or sniff a rose
and not bend down
"A Rose" by Henry Gibson.
- Will you get back here?
And flower sniffing's
Henry Gibson's favorite sport
Nothing's wrong
with being sort of short
Short, short It's time
the cuckoos realize
We're as big as there a
cat that's twice the size
There's lots more
things that we can do
For instance, just
standing around the corner
Digging the groovy point of view
There comes the point of view.
And viewing chicks is
really Sammy's favorite sport
Nothing's really
wrong with being
Sam and Hank and Art can see
There's nothing really
wrong with being short
Jo and Tres and Pam agree
There's nothing
wrong with being sorta
- Come here, little fella.
There's nothing
wrong with being sorta
- Ah, you're really a tiger.
There's nothing
wrong with being sorta
- Get on over here, baby.
There's nothing wrong
with being sorta short
Short, short, short,
short, short, short
- We lost Mississippi.
(audience applause)
- Tippy, Canoe,
and Tyler got wet.
And me too.
- Okay, punk, draw.
(gun fires)
- But you gotta
admit, I look better.
- Mrs. Johnson, Johnny
hasn't been in school for a week.
Did you know he
was playing hooky?
- No, I didn't know
a thing about it.
I haven't seen him for a month.
- Well then,
Mr. Gregory, tell me,
how long have you
been under the illusion
that you're invisible?
(audience laughter)
- What's the matter, little boy?
- I'm a lost little boy.
My momma won't ever more tuck me
into bed at night.
Wake me up in the mornin'.
Help me wash my face.
She ain't never gonna have
to make me comb my hair.
I won't have to shine my shoes.
Make my bed.
Pick up the clothes.
Go to school.
I'm a lost little boy.
- And I'm a lost little girl.
- I say, haven't the
Americans come a long way
since the days of
the Boston Tea Party?
- Yes, Jeremy.
Now, instead of tea, they dump
surplus food in the ocean.
- Have you ever noticed
that no matter how articulate,
how advanced in society
we become as a people,
there are certain
things we will always do.
One is, what's that you say?
- Tennessee Ernie.
Guess what, I've seen
all your plays, darling,
and I particularly liked
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
Or roof.
- I'm afraid, I'm, I'm
afraid you've got confused
I'm with Tennessee Williams.
- Oh no no no.
- I'm Tennessee Ernie, remember?
- Oh, that's right.
Well then you
know my secret now.
Geography isn't my life.
(smooching)
- I'll bet she got an
A in everything else.
- What is that?
Something in the air tonight.
- I know, it's me, take a whiff.
- You're in the air tonight?
- Yeah, smell the
nap of my neck.
- Well, I don't
know you that well,
but you do smell fragrant.
What is that, some
aftershave lotion
that some guy pawned off on you?
- It's a new soap.
- A new scented soap.
You're wearing scented soap.
- Yup, scented soap.
Seven feet tall
and two feet wide.
- What's seven feet
tall and two feet wide?
- My new bar of scented soap.
- Well that's really silly.
You couldn't even pick up a bar
of soap as big as that.
- Well you don't have to.
You just get wet,
climb to the top,
hold on and slide down.
(laughter)
- Get ready to lather
up for a few quickies.
- Good idea.
And for that answer
you get a box of Snickers.
- A box of Sni, I remember that.
Now Doctor IQ I have
a lady in a balcony.
- I hope she stays
around for some quickies.
(hi-hat hissing)
There are a lot of
things that I think is kicky
But here comes the favorite
shtick of Dan and Dicky
Here comes the quickies
Here comes the quickies
Here comes the quickies
- My darling, shall
we make a toast
and seal our love by
smashing our glasses
against the wall?
- Oh yes, my darling, to us.
- To us.
(glasses smash)
- Jeez, boy, I
really feel terrible.
Must be coming down with a cold.
I think I'll call my doctor.
Four, four, two,
one, nine, seven.
- [Doctor Lazarus] Hello,
this is Doctor Lazarus.
Take two aspirin,
drink plenty of liquids,
and stay in bed.
This is a recording.
- Dear, when are we
going to get some drapes?
Do you realize if I
took my clothes off,
the Smiths would see me?
- Don't worry, dear,
if you take your clothes off
the Smiths will
draw their drapes.
(audience laughter)
- What'll it be?
- Could I please
have a Black Russian?
- One Black Russian, coming up.
(audience laughter)
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(audience laughter)
- You seem to
have a bad cataract.
- Oh no, have
Rinkin Continental.
- Also an excellent memory.
We just did the quickies
Those tricky little quickies
Those kicky, tricky
quickies just like
Dan and Dicky said
we would, good lord
If they made ya sicky
Much too picky picky
'Cause a quickie
is indubitably good
Good lord.
- Hey.
James Brown
would be proud of ya.
- Psst, who won?
- We did, old chap.
Germany has surrendered.
- Which way to Argentina?
Mucho interesantay.
Cha-cha-cha.
- Now there goes
a gay caballero.
- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.
- Hey, before we
go, I'd just like to say
a special thanks to
the doctors of America
for their constant,
untiring effort
to keep us all
happy and healthy.
- Oh, what a nice
thing for you to say.
No jokes in there,
just a nice thing.
- There's no jokes, you see.
I got this lady doctor
who makes house calls.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- She keeps me
as happy as healthy
as you can get.
- And we also wanna
thank our very special guest
who was such a gas
tonight, Sammy Davis Junior.
- Oh yeah, we've
got to hear it for Sam.
(audience applause)
- Wait, wait, wait.
What's the matter?
Didn't ya have a ball?
Gee, you were great tonight
- Gosh, you were wonderful.
- All right, thank you
for the compliment
but Dan, Dick, I, Dick,
Dan, I gotta say this to ya.
- That's not even close.
- All white guys
look alike to me.
I just gotta tell ya,
to my two friends
who I've known over 20 years,
I've had it, man.
I come on your show,
I never get a chance to sing.
I make a lotta records.
- Sure you sing.
The last time you were
on the show you sang.
- Oh, what was that?
- You wanna finish
the song, is that it?
- I'd like to do one
chorus of a whole song.
- Hey, I happen to
love your singing,
are you kidding?
I love it.
- Will I sing one number?
- Anything you wanna sing.
- I gotta number from
"Blood, Sweat, and Tears"
that happens to be my new album
and it's a swinger.
- Give him some room.
- The music, Ian, I
told you we could do it.
- Okay, go ahead,
baby, go ahead.
What goes up, must come down
- Got you again, little fella.
(hysterical laughter)
- I ain't never comin' back.
Do you understand that?
Never coming back again.
- You say you ain't coming back
but you know you
love it around here.
(audience laughter)
- Is that any way to treat a
colored, Jewish superstar?
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Say goodnight, Sam.
- Oh goodnight, you idiot.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applause)
- Uh, Ernie, did you hear about
the Martian who landed
and saw a fire hydrant?
- No I didn't, what happened?
- Well he called his
friend over and said,
"Look, I found a fire hydrant."
- Goldie, your heart's
in the right place
it's your head
I'm worried about.
- Well I got an A
in everything else.
- Did you know today is Don
and Idaho's wedding anniversary?
- Do you wanna speak
up a little bit there, fella?
- Don't let him push ya, Sam.
- Did you know that
today is Don and Idaho's
wedding anniversary?
- Well, who cares, Sam?
- Hey, Henry.
- [Henry] Yes?
- Henry, in a
submarine, did you know
they put three beds,
one on top of each other.
- That must be because
it's Dan and Idaho's
wedding anniversary.
- Hey, while you're
hot, come out here.
What do you get if you cross
The Rolling Stones
with The Beatles
or The Beatles with
The Rolling Stones?
- I dunno, what do you get?
- How about a bunch
of mashed potatoes?
(hysterical laughter)
To serve at the anniversary.
Or is that ploy?
- What am I gonna
get Dan and Idaho
for their wedding anniversary?
(hysterical laughter)
- Pea soup.
- Listen to Sam, go ahead, Sam.
- Do you know that my
brother is a kleptomaniac?
- Your half-brother?
(laughter)
I didn't answer.
- "I didn't answer."
- Sammy.
- [Sammy] Yeah?
- I hear you have
a half-brother.
- I'm too busy
trying to figure out
what to buy for Don and Idaho.
- You got the answer to this
but Dick Martin already knows,
if you had to
(unintelligible gargling)
- Just spit it
right out Jo Anne.
- Darling, do you
know the trouble
that a girl has to go through
to get a mink coat?
- No.
- It's very boring.
(laughter)
- How about a
bite after the show?
- No I gotta date.
- Oh, you're going
out to eat with her?
- That's close.
No I'm going with
Sammy and Idaho.
(laughter)
- Hi there, I came back.
(shouting)
(drums banging)
(horses neighing and galloping)
(timpani banging)
- I'm the fastest
gun in the West.
- Oh yeah?
Prove it.
- Wanna see it again?
(gun fires)
What'd you do that for?
- To put an end to that
joke once and for all.
- When you're
right, you're right.
- Your son Johnny is a liar.
He lies all the time.
He enjoys lying and he
says that you encourage him.
- Well what do you
wanna listen to him for?
You know what a liar he is.
- The preceding
show was pre-recorded
under very unusual
circumstances.
None of the cast was there.
- In London, during the Blitz,
we were bombed
practically every night.
- Very interesting.
You know, in Germany,
during the war,
I was stoned for
two years, one night.
(laughter)
(clapping)