Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 10 - Episode #3.10 - full transcript

(cheerful music)

- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Oh, Miss Gabor!

Oh, there you are.

I think you're a
beautiful woman, but

I'm really in love
with Phyllis Diller.

(audience laughing)

- Well, darling, whatever
turns you off. (laughing)

(audience laughing)

- We gave you Twiggy,
we gave you The Beatles,



and we gave you me,

and this is the thanks
we get, Laugh-In.

(audience laughing)

- I guess I probably should've

told you this before,
but I'm Jewish.

(audience laughing)

- Here are the
prisoners, warden.

(quirky music)

(audience laughing)

(door slamming)

As of this moment
you men are officially

released from the state prison.

(quirky music)

According to law, you
each receive five dollars.



Rocky, here's yours.

Ripper, here's
your five dollars.

You men are on your own.

(quirky music)

- Stick 'em up, stick
'em up, stick 'em up.

(audience laughing)

(thudding)

- Hurry up, darling,
I don't have all night!

- What about me?

(audience laughing)

- Miss Ross, whatever
gave you the idea

of making the
country's first flag?

- Oh, that wasn't me,
Goldie, that was Betsy Ross.

- Oh, what group
did she sing with?

(audience laughing)

In a pail down at the zoo

And I think that she's

(man drowned out
by audience laughing)

(men laughing)

- That uh, that certainly
is a wrinkled old bag.

- Ha, you think that's
somethin', look at her purse!

(audience laughing)

(thudding) (audience laughing)

- Pardon me, my
wonderful, may I, allow me.

(thudding)

(man groaning)
(audience laughing)

- The air is very
stagnant around here.

(audience laughing)

- From the beautiful
downtown Burbank

Toupee and Floor Wax Shop,

NBC does your thing and presents

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,

and their death-defying
ventriloquist act!

With special guest, the lovely
and/or talented Sid Caesar!

With Judy Carne, Artie Johnson,

with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,

Goldie Hawn,

Alan Sues,

and Jo Anne Worthless!

- Ha, no, that's Jo Anne Worley!

- [Gary] Plus, these two folks,

Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rogers, Byron Gilliam,

Jeremy Lloyd, and
yours truly, Gary Owens,

runner-up in this year's
Miss Virgin Isles contest,

and more known
as the friendly drone.

But first we shall pause for a
moment of sheer inspiration.

(electricity buzzing)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Woo, takes a lickin'
and keeps on tickin'.

(audience laughing)

- If that did nothing for you,

this one's gonna put you away.

(circus music)

- House.

- Boat.

(speaking foreign language)

- And it's a great
opportunity for me

to introduce it for to you my
great friend Caesar Salad.

(audience laughing)

- (speaking in foreign language)

not salad, (speaking
in foreign language)

mix up, but not salad.

(speaking in foreign language)
is from me greatness of happy

(speaking in foreign language).

- Ah, yes, it's great
distinction to find someone

with such goodness of
English as are I, is what he says.

- (speaking foreign language)
I'm glad to acquaintance

(speaking foreign language)
acquaintance my accumulate,

is pleasure from me to
say hello and to uh, and uh...

- It's good, it's very
good, it's very good,

it's my greatness
(speaking foreign language)

(speaking in foreign language)

yes, (speaking in
foreign language).

- Overwhelmed by first
introducing my (speaks gibberish).

- And for me, is great
(speaks gibberish)

for to introduce it mine great

(speaking in foreign
language), Sidke.

- Sidke.

- Sidke (speaking
foreign language).

(speaking foreign language)

(audience applauding)

(jazz fanfare music)

(audience cheering
and applauding)

- I haven't heard
applause like that

since the Pinky Lee show!

- Never, never got it that big.

Hey, it certainly is an
exciting time we live in.

- Right, eight to nine every
Monday, seven Central time.

- No, I'm talking
about the space age.

Isn't it marvelous, we've
put a man on the moon?

- Well, I guess I know
that, it was my uncle Willard.

- Now, I suppose you're
going to try and get us to believe

your invisible Uncle Willard
was on that spaceship

with Armstrong and Aldrin?

- Of course not.
- Good.

- He was there waiting for them.

(audience laughing)

- Ignoring that, Dan continues,

millions heard Armstrong's
first words from the moon.

- Mm hmm, Uncle Willard
said the first words to Neil

when he stepped
off the spacecraft.

- What'd he say?

- He said, "Neil, I don't care

"if it's a small or giant
step, get off my foot!"

(audience laughing)

- That's what he said, huh?
- And remember when he was

jumpin' up and
down on the ladder?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Old Uncle Willard was givin'
'im the old, invisible gotcha!

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Willard up to
his old tricks again, huh?

- Well, not really.

He hasn't done any old
tricks since he left the circus.

- Hey, that's right, he was
an animal trainer, right?

- Well, he had Aunt Helen
doin' some weird tricks,

I guess you could say that but,

actually, he was a catcher

with the world-famous
flying Tortonis.

- A trapeze act with
an invisible catcher,

that must have been
quite a thrill for the crowd.

- Well, it also made the
Tortonis kinda nervous.

(Dan and audience laughing)

- I would imagine, yeah.

- If that empty trapeze
swingin' back and forth

didn't yell out gotcha,

there was one terrified Tortoni
in a torn and tattered tutu

with a torso lookin'

like a tormented
tortilla yellin' ta ta!

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's easy,
easy for you to say.

- No, it's not as
easy as to say,

"Here come the Twikkies!"
- That's quickies.

- I just won eight to five in

(mumbling) (laughing)

(upbeat music)

(tapping)

- Hey, Ramses, how
do you spell Cleopatra?

- Cleopatra, (speaking
in foreign language)

a bird, a pyramid, a dog,
a tree, a horse, and an asp.

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

- Is it ready?

- Yes, and I did a
beautiful job for you.

You'll enjoy it,
wait'll you see it.

(audience laughing)

Isn't that beautiful?
- I love it.

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

(phone ringing)

- Hmm.

Hello?

(heavy breathing)

Pam, it's for you.

(upbeat music)

(clearing throat)

- Exscuse me, sir,
shall I put out the cat?

- How long has he
been burning? (laughing)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Ex-Comrade Vladimir Studinsky,

for your unspeakable
crimes against the state,

you are sentenced to
30 years at hard labor

in the Siberian salt mines.

- Wouldn't ya know it,
and I'm on a salt-free diet.

(audience laughing)

- Your dialect is atrocious.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Lovely day, isn't it?

- It sure is.

(coughing)

Oh, we must be passing
over Los Angeles.

(coughing)

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

(clearing throat)

- May I give you the
last rites, my child?

(groaning)

May I give you
solace and comfort?

(groaning)

May I give you my blessing?

(groaning)

What can I give you, my child?

(groaning)

- Your license number,

you're the lousiest
driver I ever seen!

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- And there you
have our quickies.

- Ha, you know, I was
really impressed tonight

with the way the
rhino performed.

- Dick, you doo-doo, there
wasn't any rhino in the quickies.

- Ah-ha, he moved
too fast for you.

- Rhinos don't move fast.

- I know, that's why they
shouldn't be in quickies.

(Dick and audience laughing)

(quirky music)
- Hi!

- [Al and Kids] This is
Uncle Al, the kiddies' pal!

Hello little friends, hello!

(laughing)

- Well, kiddies, it's Uncle Al,

it's time to open the fun kit!

(kid whooping)

Ooh, and what do we have
today, but Mr. Milk Bottle, ooh.

And with it is Miss Paper,

and we're gonna show
ya how to do a trick!

That's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna take Mrs. Paper

and put it on top of Mr. Milk...

- [Melissa] Hi, Uncle
Al, I'm sorry I'm late!

- That's...
- I love you, Uncle Al!

- Pull your dress down, Melissa.

(audience laughing)

- [Melissa] You know
him, you know him!

- Uncle Al had a lotta
medicine last night,

and I don't want
any problems, okay?

Now, we're gonna put Miss Paper

over Mr. Milk Bottle like this,

and then we're gonna
turn it upside down

and it will stay, oh, oh, oh,

call the house!

Get Miss Twinkle on the phone!

I mean, call the little star
nest where Miss Twinkle is.

(giggling) (audience laughing)

- [British Child] What's
on your nose, Uncle Al?

- What?
- What's on your nose?

- I dunno what's on
my nose, foreigner.

That's all for today, kids!

This was Uncle Al.

- [All] The kiddies' pal!

Goodbye, little friends!
- Goodbye!

- Goodbye!

(audience laughing)

- [Kids] Goodbye, Uncle Al!

(audience applauding)

- Boy, you wanna
talk about gripes,

I'll tell ya what
really bugs me!

It's all those pregnant women
goin' around complainin'.

Boy, I wouldn't complain!

(audience laughing)

- There's been a great deal
written in various periodicals

about a new social
phenomenon, wife swapping.

Laugh-In now takes a
concerned look at this,

hmm, questionable pastime.

- Hey, look, nothing's
happening here, gang.

Would you, how'd
you like to go bowling?

- No, no, how 'bout a movie?

- Nah, I'm tired of
goin' to the movies.

Hey, listen, I've
got a great idea.

Listen everyone,

whad'ya say we really
liven up the party?

- [Guests] Yeah.
- All right?

By swapping wives.

- Hey, that's a great idea.

What do we swap
'em for? (laughing)

- Seymour, cool it!

(audience laughs)

Well what do we do first?

- The way I understand
it, everybody,

all the guys take their car keys

and throw 'em on the table,

and wives grab each set, okay?

Here ya go, go ahead.

Come on, throw your keys.

- Come on now,
hurry up, will ya'?

- Okay!
- I got mine!

You're it.

- Who's got who?

Ah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, ya ready to go?

- Sure.

- Okay, well, would
you like to go bowling?

- Nah, how 'bout a movie?

- I was invited to party
at the nudist colony,

but I turned it down.

After all, who wants
to go to a party

where all the women come
wearing the same thing?

(audience laughs)

(brass music)

- And now, a patriot
in his own right,

General Bullright.

(bugle music)

- Oh, good evening
fellow Americans.

General Bullright
reporting in for duty.

(audience applauding)

That's all right.

Hold those friends back there.

Nice of so many of you folks

to write in and ask me

what a retired general
does with his day.

Well, I'm gonna tell ya, folks.

Because you can all profit
by this old soldier's example,

and if you don't think you can,

bull feathers!

(audience laughing)

Well, we blow reveille
at my lashup at six a.m.

It's rise and shine,
up and at 'em,

early bird gets the worm.

Colonel, that's my wife, and I,

file the children
out, police the area,

we have to do calisthenics.

Clean body, clean mind.

Then it's chow time.

Why, sometimes,
the Colonel and I even

have breakfast with the kids

in enlisted men's mess hall.

Everybody looks at
duty roster after chow,

inspect the kids'
barracks at four o'clock.

That's a.m., not p.m.,

don't want to interfere
with their homework.

Get those rascals
up early, ha ha!

I checked the mess
hall and tonight,

we're having my favorite,

souffle on a shingle.

Yes, sir.

And be sure and tune
in next week, folks,

when I'm gonna give
you all the particulars

on General Bullright's
Boot Camp for Kids.

Give those
youngsters to me early,

and I'll train 'em right.

(audience laughing)

Okay, what we need now is

smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Remember, the family
that enlists together

exists together.

(audience laughing)

Well, you know
what I mean, fans.

Really getting into
show business now.

A wide-awake America

is one that never sleeps.

(audience laughing)

Mr. Peter Sellers,
if you had a choice,

what would you say would be

your most favorite role?

- The blueberry muffin.

(audience laughing)

- That's funny.

I saw that one three times.

(dance music)

- (speaking foreign language)

Today the word is Luv.

Ah, (speaking foreign language).

Tonight for sures.

(speaking foreign language)

Whatever that means.

Luv, L-U-V Luv.

A great play, did it
this summer, fantastic.

Next week we are going to
be discussing kissing. (giggles)

Hubba, hubba.

I kiss, you kiss, we kissed.
(speaking foreign language)

Next week kiss.

(dance music)

(whip cracks)

- Listen, this is
my first cruise.

How much do you tip
the guy with the whip?

He's pretty good.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(crowd cheering)

- (Speaking foreign language)

Oh, kiss you,
kiss you, kiss you.

- Oh!

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye?

Is that it?

- That's it, that's all I do.

I'm just a kisser.

- But where are you going?

- Where am I going?

I have to go to see,

let's see, Maria,
Consuela... (muttering)

And then I gotta go see my wife.

And I'm tired, oh, geez.

I'll see you.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(whipping sound)

- I don't mind rowing
this 85-foot boat,

but letting the
captain waterski,

that's, look at him go.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(thudding)

- Tell me, Mr. Caesar,

what does it take to become a
great dramatic actor like you?

- Well, Henry, it takes dash.

It takes a force, a
cunning, a strength.

But most of all, it
takes an intensity,

it takes a fire,

a fire of holding,
a fire of breathing,

a fire of smoldering feel

of bubbling effusilage,

mostly and
practically submerged,

bursting forth of energies

that have never
been seen or felt,

but mostly torn
from your own mails,

or gills, to be suffered

and to spread apart by those

who (whispering).

- Gee, I guess it does.

- Did I say that?

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

Peter, Peter,
Peter, Peter, Peter,

We're leaving you today

But before we
leave, darling Peter

There's something we have to say

What's the use Across the nation

We have got The
information In a way,

We hope with our viewers Use

We just love To
give you our views

Later, ta-ta Yes,
ladies and gents,

Now it looks like
the news Here's Dan

(audience applause)

(quirky music)

- The best impressions
I've ever seen.

And now, with the news of
the present, here's the man

who the news wouldn't be
the news without the news,

here's Dickie.

(audience applause)

(Tonight Show theme)

- No.

Hollywood, California.

The Hell's Angels'
new motion picture,

a remake of Bambi,
was released today.

Highlights of the film
include the elves' dance,

the Flower Song,

and the bicycle chain
fight between Bambi

and Thumper the rabbit.

(audience laughing)

Washington, D.C.

Highway congestion reached
crisis proportions today

when it was revealed

that traffic in New
York's outer suburbs

is clogging the streets
of downtown Chicago.

(audience laughing)

Cleveland, Ohio.

With paper
clothing all the rage,

housewife Marty Ehrlickman

last week made
a dress for herself

out of the telephone book.

Her neighbor, Roy
Gerber, was arrested

and charged with thumbing
through the yellow pages.

Take it away, Goldie.

(audience laughing)

(giggling) And now,

with all (laughing)
the future news

I can't do her. (laughing)

- You're going to love it

when you can see it, Goldie.

- (Laughing) That's
fit for the future,

here is the future man
with the fit of the news

from the future.

Get me off, quick. (giggling)

- All the news that's
fit for the future.

- Plus all the news
that's fit the future.

- That's just wonderful, Goldie.

- Oh, are you finished?

- I'm ready to start.

- In that case,
introduce yourself.

(audience laughing)

- That's a lovely
outfit, Goldie.

It just really is you.

Washington, D.C.
20 years from now.

Within the past year,
the ban on public nudity

has been ever widening,

reaching everywhere
but into the home.

As a result, today more
and more people are

reaching into the home.

(audience laughing)

Peking, 1990.

Another violent border
clash took place today,

when 80 thousand
Russian soldiers fought off

an invading Chinese unit.

The commander of the
20 million Chinese troops

promised, "We'll
get 'em tomorrow

"when the rest of the
platoon shows up."

(audience laughing)

Because they've got
a lot of people, well...

- And here, with all
the Hollywood scandal,

is our busybody Bessie, body,

Ruth.

Oh, by the way,

on my vacation, I
stayed in the sun.

- And it was much too long,

too, too long.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, he's never here
when I need him. (giggling)

- Got it, I got it.

Oh, good.

- Steve McQueen and his wife

are taking a second
honeymoon in Gibralter.

- Oh, you little goose.

I have it on the
highest authority

that Steve McQueen and his wife

are definitely on the rocks.

(audience laughing)

Bye from Buzzi.

- How ugly.

Well, sports lovers,

here's a moment we've
all been waiting for.

Hey, better than
Goldie, but anyway,

here is the best-loved big sport

of them all.

Himself, Al, take it away, big,

I'm going to faint.

(audience laughing)

- Hi.

Big Al here, in the old
winners' square. (rings bell)

Featurette, oh, isn't
that a heavy tinkle?

(audience laughing)

I attended a track and
field meet yesterday,

and I want to tell you

that pole vaulting was
absolutely disgusting.

All those big, muscular
athletes straining and groaning,

just to vault over some
poor little Polish person.

Some of them
didn't make it, eww.

Squish, crunch.

It's enough to make you
want to turn in your tennies.

Oh, my tink's broken.

Oh, my tinkle's got a wrinkle.

I've got a wrinkled tinkle.

(audience laughing)

Ta-ta.

- It's time once again
for Hetta and Harold.

As Laugh-In News
takes a concerned look at

America's hippest young couple.

Let's look in now
as they discuss

the previous night's happening.

- Harold!

- Yeah, baby?

- (laughing) Oh, Harold,
that freakout last night was,

I mean, was the
grooviest scene, ever.

- Wasn't it? I
mean, - Oh, listen.

- Wasn't it really groovy?

Like everybody
was really turned on.

- Oh, yeah.

- And that singer,

what he did, I mean it
was like outta sight, man.

- Oh, heavy.

That piece...
- Wasn't it outta sight?

- Oh, definitely,
I couldn't feel.

- I couldn't see anything.

- That was my first one.

What did they call it again?

- It's a bar mitzvah,
don't you know?

- Right, right.

(audience laughing)

Ta-ta, Peter, Peter, ta-ta

(audience applause)

- Peter Sellers,
I've got one for you.

- Yes, yes.

- How many peas in a pod?

- No, thank you, Jo Anne.

I've just pooped one out.

- Judy, we've got an
English Goldie for you.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(whip cracks)

- Yeah, but think
how bad it'd be

if we didn't have
a strong union.

Then we'd have
to get out and push.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(motor noise)

- Sir, there's a 10
cent cover charge here!

Cheapo!

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(clapping)

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(audience laughing)

(Irish music)

- I say, lassie.

Sure it's been three years now,

we've been going together,

and we're engaged now,

and there's no
tittle-tattle about that.

I'm serious, lass.

I think it's time
we got married.

- Oh, darling, yes, 'tis time.

I'll call the priest.

- The priest you'll be calling?

- Well, of course.

- You mean you'll
call the minister.

- Oh, no, no, I call a priest.

What are you, a Protestant?

- You mean you're a Catholic?

- Of course.

- Then put up your mitts.

(audience laughing)

No, put 'em up, put 'em up here.

Oh, that looks lovely.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, my darlin'.

- If me mother could
only see me now,

kissing a Catholic.

(audience laughing)

Sure beats kissing me mother.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Now the moment all the VIPs
at NBC have been waiting for.

(ching)

(audience laughing)

Where the bloom of the night

Meets the gold of the day

(quirky music)

- Um, Mr. Peter Sellers,
how do you play cricket?

- Well, Goldie
darling, it's very difficult

to sum up in a few words.

It's a game that
involves 11 men fielding,

two batsmen, and a bowler.

The idea is that the bowler
should hit of the wickets,

and the batsman stands
in front of the wicket,

and when the
ball is sent to him,

rather fast or rather slow,

depending, of course,
on whether the bowler

is a fast or slow bowler,

he hits it as hard as he can,

to leg or forward
drive through the men

in order to take as many runs

as the two batsmen can make.

They run forward like this,

and then the men try
and throw the ball back

and hit the man or the wicket.

That's roughly what it's about.

- Hmm, that's funny.

That's the way we
elect a president.

- I've never played that before.

(audience laughing)

(whip cracks)

- What do you say
we put up the sail?

This is lousy.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(screaming)

- Shut it off.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Do you have an aspirin?

I have an Excedrin
headache number 183 million.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(boing)

- You know, Seymour,
I was just thinking.

- You were just... I'm glad I
could be here for the occasion.

- Ignoring that, he continued.

If Sophia Lauren makes
a movie with Cassius Clay,

it will be like bringing the
mountains to Mohammad.

(laughing)

- Ignoring that, I continue.

- Come on, Sophia,
you're always welcome.

- We're going to
the party, Sophia,

- You're still welcome,
that's all right.

(audience applause)

(dance music)

- My daughter-in-law has
atrocious table manners.

Why, she eats peas on her knife.

Last night at dinner, my
son was so embarrassed,

he dropped a
saucer full of coffee.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- Last night in my studio,

the model, she took
off all her clothes,

and I did her in watercolors.

Tonight I'm going to paint her.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- There was a love
rock festival on campus.

Five thousand students
were really grooving.

They're going to try
it again next week,

only this time with real rocks.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- Mr. Roman,

you know that rumor has it

that Russia plans
to highlight its next

Mayday celebration

by sending Premier
Kosygin into space.

- Oh, that's what
I call getting rid of

a headache with a capsule.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- I believe the Church
should update its terms,

but I do find it hard to
call the collection plate

the "bread basket."

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- You have a figure that could

turn a man into a savage.

- How does it affect you?

(making whooping noises)

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- Boris believes in
separate vacations,

and we're going to take one,

just as soon as he
separates from his wife.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- Byron, I read where Georgia's
governor, Lestor Maddox,

has learned to ride
a bicycle backwards.

- That's easy for him, Dan.

He's been
backpedaling for years.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- I say, Goldie,

did you know that the British

have lost most
of their colonies?

- Well, poor baby.

Did you look behind the couch?

(audience laughing)

- Getting through to Goldie

is a little like

trying to sell a Look
Magazine subscription

to Mayor Alioto.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- Say, a publisher asked
me to do a book on free verse,

and I said, "Nothing doing."

If I don't get paid,
I don't write a line.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- (giggling) My boyfriend
shows me how much he loves me

over and over.

Last week he took
me up in his plane,

and showed me over Cleveland,

over Pittsburgh, over
Philadelphia, twice.

A mink coat, a fox stole,
and two diamond earrings.

That's a whole lotta love.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- Tell me, Mr. Rosmink,

what do you think about
these protest marches?

- Well, all this, you mean all
this talk from protest march?

- Yes.

- Yes, well, in old country,

we have protest
marches every day.

- Really?

- They have to march,
and they protest about it.

But quietly.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- There's just been
an increase in rates

at maternity hospitals
and funeral parlors.

No matter how you look at it,

they're gonna get
you, coming and going.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

- I have developed
a new art form.

I cover my entire body
with different colored paints,

and throw myself at the canvas.

Last night, I missed,

went right out the window.

By the time I stopped sliding,

I had painted a
Greyhound bus, two cops,

and a taco stand.

(audience laughing)

(dance music)

(audience applause)

(quirky music)

(squeaking)

(audience laughing)

(creaking)

(quirky music)

(alarm rings)

(crashing)

(audience laughing)

- And now, from NBC Sports,

this partial score: three.

(dramatic music)

- Well, Dickie bird,

it's time once again for the

famed Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate.

- And who gets the
intrepid index this time?

- None other than
United Airlines.

- What, did they send yout
luggage to Battle Creek again?

- No, no, they
missed that this trip.

They fired black
stewardess Debbie Renwick

for not cutting her hair.

- You're putting me on!

- No, I wouldn't
do that to you, sir.

Miss Renwick, you see,
wears a natural Afro hairstyle,

and United says it
was one inch too long

for their standards
of good grooming.

- Why, they'll go to any
lengths to get their way.

- Well, Debbie, you see, didn't
think she needed a haircut.

So she was fired.

United says that if she
did cut her hair one inch,

they'd bring her back, see.

- Don't do it, Debbie.

Give 'em an inch
and they'll take a style.

- Are you gonna
give it to 'em, Dick?

- I sure am.

Here you are, United.

Fly this in your friendly skies.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(whip cracks)

- Hey, you said today I
could sit by the window.

How about it?

- Okay.

- Listen, Shorty, how
did you get in first class,

and I gotta be in tourist?

(whip cracks)

- My mother's rich.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(horse whinnying)

- Woah, woah, woah!

Ouch, oh, you darling, kiss me.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(audience laughing)

- (speaking in foreign language)

Present arms!

(speaking foreign language)

Kissin', kissin',

kissin', kissin'.

(speaking foreign language)

- But what should I do?

- Don't worry about
it, just follow orders.

When you make sergeant,

we give you a field promotion,

and then we get married.

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.

I wish I'd been in his outfit.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Fun-Gi.

(quirky music)

(Speaking foreign language)

(whip cracks)

- Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily

[All] Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream

Merrily merrily merrily merrily

(Whip cracks)

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the
stream - There's Miami!

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Here you are.

- It's my treat. (laughing)

(audience laughing)

- There is reason
for great concern,

as the United States today

faces a smuggling problem

on its Mexican border.

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] This
saga is dedicated

to that hardy bunch
of gullible pilots

frequently duped by
unscrupulous merchants

into flying contraband

high over the Mexican border.

- Hey, excuse me, senores.

Are you the gullible pilots

frequently duped by
unscrupulous merchants?

- Yes, I'm Keen-eyed,
Lean-jawed Rock Roach,

daredevil of the seven skies.

- I am Ace Marvellous,
his closest friend

and the best-looking
person in the world.

- And I am Bridget Bridget,

the girl torn between them.

Faithful to both, on
alternate weekends.

- I am Ram Rod, the
carefree, happy-go-lucky

mechanic, ever
ready with a jovial quip,

though barely recovered
from serious injuries.

- I am Evil Juan Gonzales.

I am unscrupulous,
unprinci-ca-bled,

and unsanitary.

But lots of fun at parties.

- What should we dupe for you?

(audience laughing)

- I need a pilot and a plane

for to make a pickup,
quickly, pronto.

- But only a fool would
fly on a night like this,

a fool.

- I am prepared to pay 10
thousand dollars American.

- [Both] What kind of fool am I?

- But you can't go, Rock.

Your heard is bad,
your nerves are shot,

and the doc said you
have one more fatal crash

and it'll be serious.

- No, I'll go.

- No, I'll go.

- Look, Rock, over there,

what's that behind you?

(whoosh)

- That's the fourth time
he's missed this week.

I'm always going.

- Senor, you are to
pick up two packages.

One contains cigarette paper.

- Wait a minute,
cigarette paper?

What's in the other package?

- Four hundred
pounds of birdseed.

It's for my sister's canary.

- Well, your sister must
possess a tremendous bird.

Okay, I'm going.

- I'll be waiting for you.

My heart is yours forever, Ace.

- That's Ace, I'm Rock.

- Whatever.

- Whatever, I'll see ya.

- Okay.

(plane droning)

- [Narrator] All through
that dismal night,

Rock Roach flew
to his appointment

with destiny.

(plane droning)

On the return trip, with four
hundred pounds of birdseed

cleverly stashed
in his parachute,

Rock Roach fought his way

through a raging storm.

- [Voice on radio] Can
you hear me, Rock?

Rock, can you hear
me, come in, over.

- I'm in bad trouble.

Lightning has hit the plane.

The birdseed is on fire.

Smoke,

smoke's, it's dense.

It's choking me,
it's unbreathable.

But it's, it's, uh,

it's not unpleasant.

(audience laughing)

How is it up there?

- [Voice on radio] Rock,
we're down, you're up.

- You're telling me.

Hey, wait.

You know, I can see
the field, I'm coming in.

- Hey, whoopee.

How'd I do?

- Senor, you're an
hour behind schedule.

- That may be so, man,

but I'm 'bout two hours
ahead of the plane.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(cash register rings)

(audience laughing)

(Middle Eastern music)

(gunfire)

- (Speaking foreign language)

I'm through, next week we'll go

to my mother's house.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Bippy.

Boy.

(audience laughing)

(whip cracks)

- I told you we should've
spent the extra money

and gone first class.

(audience laughing)

There's Miami!

(quirky music)

(light clicking)

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(audience laughing)

(crying)

- Without any wasted motion,

shall we get right
on to Pot Pourri?

- I couldn't have
said it better.

- And off they
went to Pot Pourri.

(whistling)

- Mm-hmm. (rings bell)

(rings bell repeatedly)

(audience laughing)

- Get all of the rooms
as fast as you can!

You too, you're gonna be burned!

I'm telling you, you're
gonna be burned.

Look at you!

(audience laughing)

(ding)

- Well, Darrell, what do
you think of the rewrite?

- Well, frankly, I'm confused.

I mean, you open with
the entire cast stark naked,

and then you close
with sex and violence.

- Yeah.

(laughing) It's a great
new twist on an old story.

- What's that got to do with

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?

(audience laughing)

I don't see what
it's got to do...

(quirky music)

- Would you like to
give me that letter, sir?

- Oh, yes, Miss Matthews,
thank you for reminding me.

(door slams)

W.

Now get that out
right away, will you?

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Your change, sir.

- Thank you.

- Sayonara, come back soon.

(whistling)

Drunken kooks.

(audience laughing)

(groaning)

(dialing phone)

- Listen, this is
Harold Afferty,

1366 Pedley Place.

I would like to order a
large pepperoni pizza,

with a lot of mozzerella,
and a lot of sauce.

And a big knife, if you got it.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Well, that's Pot
Pourri for tonight.

- But I certainly hope
my Aunt Otto liked it.

- You have an Aunt Otto?

- Yeah, she's married
to my Uncle Helen.

- Aunt Otto is
married to your uncle,

and they watch the show?

- Well, they spend
most of their time

watching each other.

- All right, I can't take
this foolishness any further.

You couldn't possibly
have an Aunt Otto

married to an Uncle Helen.

- You sure?

- Of course I'm sure.

- Aunt Otto and Uncle
Helen, you better sleep

in twin beds until I get
this thing straightened out.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- [Patient] I can't
stand the pain.

- [Doctor] Here,
bite on this bullet.

(shot fired)

(audience laughing)

Oops, sorry about that.

- And now, here's
another letter to Laugh-In.

We thought it was funny
enough to send two dollars

on their inflated way to

Robert Mertz, in
Sepulveda, California.

And here's Robert's joke.

(banging)

- Why do you keep
throwing those nails away?

- Well, Alan, some of them
have a head on the wrong end.

- Well, you idiot, we can
use those on the ceiling.

(audience laughing)

- Tune in again next week,

when we will hear Norman
ask Sally the burning question:

"Am I on fire?"

(audience laughing)

- Well, Peter, how
do you like Burbank?

- Well, actually,
it's a lot like London.

- Really?

- Yes, except for the chickens.

- Those aren't chickens, pal.

Those are Burbank flies.

- Did you ever try to pluck one?

(laughing)

- Why, is one missing?

(audience laughing)

(whip cracks)

- I would've
taken an office job,

but I couldn't stand
being chained to a desk.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(jazz)

(quirky music)

- An interim report on
socio-economic aspects.

By Henry Gibson.

If him who has is him who gets,

why do birds tapdance
on butterfly nets?

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- Miscellaneous!

- Well, Sipke, it's time to say

- Sipke, Sipke,
Sipke, - and Polyeckie.

- [Together] Good
night, Sipke. (laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Hey, before we
go, I want to thank

all the nice young ladies

who send their jokes to
our new daytime show,

Letters to Laugh-In.

- Well, that's very
nice of you to do that.

- Hey, is it true that Letters
to Laugh-In sends two dollars

to these people
for their little jokes?

- That's certainly true, yes.

- Well, in that case I'd
like to send two dollars

to Jill St. John
of Beverly Hills,

and two dollars to Stella
Stevens of West Los Angeles,

and two dollars to
Christina Beard of Burbank,

and two...

- Hold it, now you're just
not gonna send two dollars

to all your girlfriends.

- Well, it beats taking
them out to dinner.

(audience laughing)

- Goodnight, everybody.

(closing music)

- What do you get when you cross

a scrap dealer with a gorilla?

- A monkey with a
junkie on his back.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, am I glad that Geronimo
is the most famous Indian.

- Why is that, Alan?

- Because if you
jump out of a plane,

how'd you like to
say, "Sitting Bull"?

(audience laughing)

Honey.

- What?

- What's your opinion
of nudity in a theater?

- Well, personally
it leaves me cold.

(audience laughing)

- Did you hear about the
wrestler who had a nervous...

(yelling)

- I don't want to
hear about that again.

Hey, what has two
hundred legs, wrinkled skin

and sings?

- I don't know, Dan, what?

- The Mormon Tabernacle Prune.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Dick.

- Yeah, baby?

- What do you get when you cross

a burlesque queen
with a pound of Maxwell?

- A coffee grinder.

- No.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

- I say, Caucasion lady.

- Hey, what's happening, whitey?

[Crosstalk]

(audience laughing)

- I just moved to Los
Angeles where all the smog is.

- Oh, baby, that's a
flame-burstin' brag.

(audience laughing)

- Goldie.

- Yessee?

- Do you know why the
cross-eyed teacher was fired?

- Well, I guess she
couldn't control her pupils!

(audience laughing)

- Do you realize that
New Hampshire isn't new,

and Rhode Island
isn't an island,

and therefore
Virginia can't poss...

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- Why don't you leave
the little fella alone?

(yelling)

- It wasn't funny, trust me.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Jo Anne!

- Yes, Dick Martin?

- What do you think of
female impersonators?

- Did I hear about it
or what do I think of it?

- I asked you
what do you think...

- A coffee grinder!

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Dan.

- Yeah!

[Crosstalk]

- The Birch Society called
sex education in schools

a communist plot.

- They do?
- Yes.

- Well, I guess they
figure better dead than bed.

(audience laughing)

(crosstalk, yelling)

- Coffee grinder!

- I don't have any more
jokes, I can go home.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(swords clanging)

(audience laughing)

(whip cracks)

- This is worse than I thought.

I think it's developing
my bust, you know?

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(water splashing)

- Whoo!

- The preceding show
was prerecorded under

extremely
unfavorable conditions.

All the cameras were working.

(audience laughing)

And now I'd like
to say a word about

Letters to Laugh-In,

which can be seen
every afternoon,

Monday through Friday, on NBC.

Watch it.

- Gary, that's more
than one word.

That was almost three words.

You'd better watch it, Gary.

You too, folks.

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.

A show within a show. (laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Wolfgang, it's
been so many years.

- Fritzie!

Da brains from the outfit!

- Yah, you followed my plans?

- To a T!

- And how did we make out?

- (Sobbing) We lost again.

- Oh, gives me the blues.

(audience laughing)

- And I have blues
for you too, Lucy,

you little weinerschnitzel.
(chuckling)

Oh, and Gary, I
passed you Sunday

in your houseboat.

- Wolfgang, Gary
doesn't have a houseboat.

(laughing)

- Well, in that case, Gary,

you got water in your cellar!

(audience laughing)

(one person clapping)

(door creaking)