Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 25 - Episode #2.25 - full transcript
- [Announcer] Following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(applause)
(laughter)
- Hey Dick, they must
have canceled the party.
- Funny I got my invitation.
- What Dan and Dick don't know
is that they arrived at the
party five seconds too early.
Five, four, three,
two, one, party.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Hey Tony did you
see Chekhov's Seagull?
- No, no.
Why should I pay
good money to see
a movie about
somebody else's bird?
- Oh, you're right.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Chelsea, now that Mr
Nixon is the chief executive,
does his wife call
him Mr President?
- Sure, why should she stop now?
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Listen girls, I
have a question.
If any boy in America can grow
up to become Vice President,
how come this time nobody did?
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Boris and I decided
that we'd been seeing
too much of each other.
So last night we
turned out the lights.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Hey Dave, did you see
the Killing of Sister George?
- As a matter of fact I did.
But don't say anything.
I don't want to get involved.
(laughter)
- Hey Goldie?
Did you see the
Killing of Sister George?
- No, when you live
in a back apartment
you don't see much of anything.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Hey they've done a white
version and a black version
of Hello Dolly.
Next they're gonna
do a nude version
and call it Hell-O Dolly!
(laughter)
- Allen, go to your room.
(funky music)
- You know over the years
we've traded quite fairly
with the American Indians.
They've given us corn,
tobacco, and Keely Smith.
And we've given them
Reservations, fire water,
and John Wayne.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Hi CV.
- Hi Dick.
Darling, do you believe
in love at first sight?
- I don't know, what did
you figure on showing me?
- Oh, I'm serious.
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
- Well I used to, but I
kept getting thrown out of
one restaurant after another.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Yesterday a man
offered me a lift.
But he turned out to
be a plastic surgeon.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- I can understand
our black brethren
being somewhat
disenchanted with the Church.
But why spread the rumor
that Gabriel has lost his lip?
(laughter)
(funky music)
- I just finished a
long run on Broadway.
- Oh really, what play?
- No play, a mugger
chased me for 30 blocks.
- Oh that's alright.
(funky music)
(applause)
- And now from the
emergency ward of the beautiful
down town Burbank Manicure
and Muffler Repair shop.
NBC loudly presents
Martin and Rowan's In-Laugh.
Staring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Tony Curtis.
And Judy Carne.
Arty Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Dave Madden.
Allen Sues.
Chelsea Brown.
And Jo Anne Worley.
Yours truly Gary Ownes.
And Morgul the Friendly Drelb.
But first, here once
again, is the delightful
NBC Peacock to lay a
60 second egg on you all.
(laughter)
- Of favorite desert chef,
for dinner tonight I want,
goats eyes, candied camel's
hoofs, stuffed scorpion legs,
and sauteed vulture beak.
- Is that to go?
(laughter)
- Yeah, but no onion.
You see I got a
date with a princess.
You wanna a drag?
- No thanks I'm walking.
(laughter)
(loud snoring)
- Alright, alright, come
on, move it along now.
(sighs)
(laughter)
- Get your own blanket.
(laughter)
- Where else has William
Morris booked you?
(laughter)
- Hey, oh great I get to work
the Playboy club in New York.
- Wow, I'm assigned
to the one in Miami.
- Oh and I get the
one in Hollywood.
- Oh that's funny,
I didn't know there was
a Playboy club in Poland.
(laughter)
- And now stepping
out of the silent screen,
onto our musical comedy stage,
here are the two Vaudevillians
who have become number one
on radio this year.
Dan Rowan and his faithful
Indian friend, Tonto Martin.
(laughter)
(applause)
- No, no, no, no more, no more.
- More cops.
More cops, please.
- Hey...
- Hold that crowd back.
Hold them back.
- May I say something.
I called you twice last night.
- That's funny I was
out on a double date.
- You know somehow
you just don't seem to me
to be the sort of fella to
go out on a double date.
- Well there's not a
whole lot else you can do
when you're out
with Siamese twins.
(laughter)
- Siamese twins?
That must have
been quite an evening.
- Yeah, I'm afraid I
had one too many.
(laughter)
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- You know Lulu and Mimi
have joined at the
back since birth.
- Now I know I don't
want to hear about it,
- You never know whether
you're coming or going.
(laughter)
- Are you through now?
- What a figure, 72, 44, 72.
(laughter)
- I suppose you
entertained these twins
in your usual charming fashion.
- Well Mimi and I
dined by candle light.
- What about Lulu?
- She took the
table right behind.
(laughter)
- It all worked out rather well.
- Until she started to dance.
Every time I put my
arm around Mimi,
I was in trouble with Lulu.
(laughter)
- Figures.
- After dinner Mimi and I
spent a very romantic hour
back at my place.
Lulu read a book so she
wouldn't disturb us, you know?
- Wasn't that
considerate of Lulu.
- She just hasn't been
herself since the divorce.
- Oh, you mean
Lulu's been married?
- Yeah, it didn't
work out you know.
The second her back
was turned (whistles).
(laughter)
- I knew I didn't want
to hear about this.
- They almost
separated because of it,
you know that.
- Lulu and her husband?
- No, no Lulu and Mimi.
(laughter)
- Well if Lulu didn't
want to go along,
how did you get the girls
up to your apartment?
- Blow in her ear, they'll
follow you anywhere.
(laughter)
- Well did you enjoy your
evening with the Siamese twins?
- Well yes and no.
(laughter)
- Oh, the worst
joke I've ever heard.
- You got to admit it's quick.
- Hey speaking of quickies.
(high pitched tone)
- Oh, thank you Tony Curtis.
Do you know what?
I would really love to be in
a movie with you some day.
- What kind of a movie?
- How about a drive in?
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
The Boston Strangler
meets the Indianan injurer.
(laughter)
That's the girl, you know.
- I'm not really supposed
to be on the show.
I just dropped by to give
Jo Anne relaxing lessons.
(high pitched sound)
(laughter)
- Oh you forgot your eggs, lady.
(laughter)
- There goes quickie.
(high pitched sound)
- Timber!
- You shut it.
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
- You know, Mr Curtis I
do think you're groovy.
- Well thank you.
- And I heard the last
time you were in England,
all the girls there loved you.
- Well, thank you
Judy, thank you.
- Tell me, didn't that
keep you awfully busy?
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
- Mr Walker, you
have been found guilty,
and sentenced to be executed.
What form of
execution do you prefer?
Electricity or gas?
- What about coal?
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
(speaking foreign language)
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
(bell dings, dial rattles)
- [Operator] Weather bureau.
The forecast today is rain.
(thunder cracks)
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
- Laugh-In is the second
funniest show in England.
It ranks just behind
Prim Minister Harold Wilson's
devaluation of the pound speech.
(laughter)
- And so there you
have there Dick.
Our Laugh-In
quickie for tonight.
- Maybe your Laugh-In
quickie for tonight.
- Whatever turns you on, Dick.
- Well then the flying,
fickle, finger, of fate
is what really turns me on.
(laughter)
Oh Dick, where are you?
(laughter)
- Yes folks, Dick is right.
It's time for what turns me on.
The flying, fickle,
of fate award.
- Yup, and tonight's fickle
finger involves a telephone
directory published by
the Defense Department
under President Johnson.
Listing the civilian officials
in the Johnson administration.
80,000 copies of the 400
page directory were printed
at a cost, to the tax
payers, of $40,000.
- That seems
reasonable enough to me.
- Well certainly
it's reasonable.
Except that according
to the Associated Press,
six days after the
directory was published,
the Nixon
administration took over.
(laughter)
and most of the
people listed here
were leaving the Defense
Department forever.
- You mean they'll have
to spend another 40,000
in only six days?
- You've got it, pal.
- Yeah, but not for long.
Former Defense Department
Officials, let this finger
do the walking through
your yellow pages.
(laughter)
- And tune next week
folks when the flying, fickle,
finger of fate, or the
precious protuberance
as our makeup chappies call
it, goes to the Navy Department.
For their swell
welcome home surprise
to Commander
Booker of the Pueblo.
(laughter)
- Here now, I mean here
now for your musical enjoyment
is the Weaver Brother's trio,
Pat, Sylvester, and Doodles.
- I shouldn't point
this, it's got a nail in it.
- Come on dude.
(laughter)
(applause)
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(drum roll)
(laughter)
(raucous laughter)
("Pop Goes the
Weasel" Instrumental)
(loud snoring)
- Okay, okay move along.
- I gave at the office.
(laughter)
- Goldie, do we serve
filet mignon here?
- It's the law, you have to
serve everybody you know.
(laughter)
- Kiki.
- Um Sir, aren't you
forgetting your bunny?
(soft jazz playing)
(laughter)
- Are you sure Rudolph
Valentino started this way, honey?
(laughter)
Oh you're adorable,
but you're heavy.
Trust me.
(laughter)
- And now folks, in the
tradition of de ole, great ole
minstrel show, wees
now gonna sock it to ya.
With da news.
- Alright Judy.
Now you've all gone too far.
I mean look at this.
- You know what, Chelsea?
I've only been
black for five minutes
and already I'm fed up
with you white chicks.
(laughter)
This is (mumbles)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information.
In a way we hope we'll amuse You
We just love to
give you our views
La, ta, de, da.
We can dance,
Laugh-In looks at the
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (music
ends with flourish)
- Hold it down, hold it down.
Now for the news of the present.
Here's the man,
(singers drowning out speaker)
here's the man, yeah.
- Toni Curtis.
- Wouldn't be the
news without the news.
Here's ugh, here's
you know, Dick.
(applause)
(funky music)
- Toni if Jack Lemon
could see you now.
(laughter)
Oh, dateline Las Angels.
Dean Martin's yacht broke
up off California coast today.
In a three mile
wide liquor slick
headed toward the Malibu shore.
(laughter)
Governor Regan immediately
declared a state of emergency
and announced that
until further notice,
no one under 21 would be
allowed to swim in the area.
(laughter)
Dateline New York.
The Rockefeller foundation
announced it would give
the University of North
Carolina $2 million
for research on better
means of birth control.
In gratitude the
University president called
for a minute of silence.
Or as he so aptly put
it, a pregnant pause.
(laughter)
Dateline Peaking.
Red China today offered the US
a list of conditions for peace,
including a non-proliferation,
bomb secession,
and trade cultural exchange.
Pick one from column A
and one two from column B.
(laughter)
And now take it away Goldie.
(drum roll)
(giggles)
- Oh boy.
And now, (giggles)
with the news of the future,
of the future in the future,
here's a (giggles)
our favorite future news giver.
Here's Danny.
(laughter)
- Thank you, Chelsea.
- I'm Goldie.
- You sure?
- Don't confuse me, man.
(laughter)
- Certainly try not too, Goldie.
Burbank 1989, 20 years from now.
Early this morning the
500 room Nurn hotel,
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
burned to the ground.
Fortunately no one was
injured as the hotel guest
was not in the building
at the time of the fire.
(laughter)
He was out back in the bathroom.
(laughter)
New York 1989.
The experiment which housed
the entire city of New York
in one mile high building
was declared a failure today,
when people in
the top 9000 floors
refused to pass through
the official city
ghetto in the lobby.
(laughter)
Washington DC 1989,
20 years from now.
Ambassador of
Interplanetary Goodwill,
Spiro Agnew today
declined to be guest of honor
on the first commercial
flight to Mars.
Mr Agnew said, if you've
seen one fat, little, greenie
you've seen 'em all.
(laughter)
- Hello, this is me.
Time once again to present
the Laugh-In news feature.
We take you now
to the nations capital
to meet and greet
Congressman Clayton Adams.
Who is just returning
from a fact finding tour
of the Caribbean Islands.
(laughter)
- And here's
Congressman Adams now.
Welcome back, sir.
- Well thanks a lot.
It's certainly good to be back.
How do you like my leis?
- Beautiful.
- It's been a exhausting
six months, I'll tell you that.
I could never
have done it though
without the (mumbles)
help of my assistants.
This is Ms Boom Boom La tour.
- Hi.
- And this is Ms Candy Far.
- Hi there.
- Tell me, what were
conditions like in the Caribbean?
- Oh in the Caribbean?
They were deplorable,
weren't they, yes.
Deplorable.
I saw nothing but slums and
poverty from every window
of my penthouse.
- That's really shocking.
- Yes, it is.
- I assume you're
on your way right now
to give the
President a full report.
- Well, you see I
haven't got time for that.
No, we're off to
the French Rivera.
- Rivera?
- Yes, I know that
there is poverty there.
And I'm gonna find it someplace
if it takes the rest
of my time in office.
Right girls?
- [Both] Right.
- Okay staff.
Would you bring the bags, boy.
(laughter)
- Where are my cigarettes?
- Well I...
- That's what the show
needs, is more whimsy.
- Now this is a
fried chicken joke.
(laughter)
anyway.
And now sports fans.
Here's our Laugh-In
sports report
with one of the great
sports of all time.
The only man who ever
missed the high hurdle jump,
and won the yodeling
contest at the same time.
(laughter)
Think about it.
The old breast
stroke himself, Big Al.
Take it away, Ofay.
(funny music)
- Oh, hi.
Big Al here.
(bell rings)
Featurette.
Isn't that a trip.
(laughter)
well kids, I covered the
international water polo match,
and all I can say is crash,
splash, gurgle, gurgle.
Oh it was awful.
Pushing and paddling and
trying to drown each other
just to get a ball
though an old hoop.
Disgusting.
And it wasn't bad enough
for the polo players,
but the ones I felt
sorry for were those little
horseies under them.
Well I'd rather pull
a fruit truck myself.
(laughter)
Ta, ta.
- [All] La, da, dee, do.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news
Oh yeah (applause)
- By the time I found out
he didn't mean dancing
when he said the bunny
hug, it was too late.
(laughter)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
When little girls change
my clothes, I smile.
When little boys
touch my body, I smile.
And hit.
- Well Dick, tonight we
introduce a new department
that features our
television audience.
- They're both here?
- No, you ding a ling.
I'm talking about
letters to Laugh-In.
- We get letters?
- Oh, we certainly do.
- Well I didn't think
they'd let our audience
have anything sharp.
- Why we get thousands
of letters every week,
and tonight we're
gonna read a few of them.
- Well you can't say
things like that on television.
- Oh these letters
are not like that at all.
- Well I should hope not.
If they're anything
like the phone calls,
the NBC sensors will be
working the little beepers
to the bone.
- Yeah well, I think
it's time we got started.
- Here's one from a Mrs Zippera.
- Hey that's funny.
- That's not her
joke, you doo doo.
That's her name.
- I'll drink to that.
- Mrs Zippera is from
Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin,
and here's her joke.
The old woman
who lived in a shoe,
and has so many children
finally found out what to do.
- Hum, sounds like your
basic pill joke, Mrs Zippera.
- Here's one for the Parson.
The biblical reference,
ashes to ashes,
and dust to dust,
does not mean the Lord
approves of air pollution.
(laughter)
- Hey Jo Anne I have one.
- Yes, what is it Big Al?
- It came from Lawrence
Robinson form...
- Who?
- Lawrence Robinson,
from Troy, New York.
It says, hey Jo Anne,
you're so pretty I
don't think I can take it.
- Oh, that's adorable.
This one says, hey
Big Al you're so dumb,
I don't think you can find it.
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
- Sure you wouldn't
get it, dummy,
get in there.
(laughter)
Think about it.
- Hey, here's a goody.
In Burbank there's a poor
people's march every night.
When the citizens
come home form work.
(laughter)
- Here's one from Richard
Gordon, in Flushing New York.
Oh, you're there. Hi Goldie.
- Hi, I'm here.
Yeah.
- Goldie what has
four legs and flies.
- A dead horse.
- No.
Two pairs of pants.
(laughter)
- Hey listen to this everybody.
Here's a wonderful diet.
For breakfast you eat 14 lemons.
By the time your mouth
un-puckers lunch and dinner is over.
(laughter)
I know there's a
joke in there, I know.
(laughter)
- Well Doo Doo, that's our
letters to Laugh-In this week.
What did you think of it?
- Well they're great.
Why don't we
call the post office
and have them double
the order next week.
- Yeah, and folks listen,
if you have any goodies
for our letters to Laugh-In
department send them
to beautiful down town
Burbank, in care of the mayor.
- Why not the post master?
- Well she is the mayor.
- You mean the police chief?
- That's him.
- Oh.
- Oh, my you poor man.
Oh, now is my chance to use
mouth to mouth resuscitation.
(laughter)
(kissing sounds)
(laughter)
Oh, oh there you are.
What happened?
- I was just looking
for my cuff links and...
- Yeah?
- And then you came along.
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
And really breath taking.
(laughter)
- Well thank
goodness that's over.
Now maybe we can get down
to some real commercials.
(laughter)
- If you think the Boston
Strangler was great,
here's something that's
really gonna choke you up.
(laughter)
A station break.
(laughter)
- And now this important
opportunity for a short nip.
- [Jo Anne] That's
nap, you ninny.
- And now this important
opportunity for short nap,
you ninnies.
- [Jo Anne] That's better.
(train screeching)
(laughter)
- This subway is a
lot like my church.
Some people sleep,
some people are lost,
some just come in
to get out of the rain.
And yet for whatever
reason they come,
they all average out
to 20 cents a head.
(laughter)
- This crowd is terrible.
That settles it,
this is the last time
I'll go tourist class.
(laughter)
- You know this train better
get to City Hospital on time.
Or I'll have to
pay another fare.
(laughter)
A little one.
- I think big business has
done more than it's share
for the poor people.
Who do they think
built those slums?
(laughter)
- Hi ya, big fella.
Where ya from?
- Fire Island, why?
- Forget it.
(laughter)
- How do you get
to Times Square?
- Well you have to make
a change at the next stop.
- Okay, but close your
eyes while I change.
(laughter)
- Oh excuse me
pretty young thing,
but could you help an
old man to get off the train?
- Oh, where do
you want to get off?
- Where do you usually get off?
(laughter)
- Hey could you spare a
buck for an old veteran?
- You get lost you bum,
why don't you go to work
for a living like the
rest of us, will ya?
Mind holding this
purse for a minute.
Well that's it.
You can keep it if you like it.
- Oh no, it goes
better with your things.
(laughter)
- This is your off
stage announcer,
reminding you and only you,
that Dan and Dick are
at Flip Wilson's house
getting a soul transplant.
(laughter)
- Well Dick tonight our
Mod, Mod World is going
to take a look at the
people of beautiful
down town Burbank.
- Yuck.
(laughter)
- Well that's no way to
talk about the city we love.
- Well I like some
of the people there.
- Well I should hope so.
- I like the one I met
last night for instance.
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- She was stretched out on
a pool table in a teeny bikini.
- Where were you?
- I was right behind
the eight ball,
heading for the corner pocket.
(laughter)
- You were playing pool?
- Was I ever.
Woo woo!
(laughter)
I made a three cushion bank
shot you wouldn't believe.
- Yes well, now I know I
don't want to hear about it.
- Actually she was
trying to get a sun tan.
- At night?
- That's what she
had the flashlight for.
- Well what'd ya say to her?
- I said hey, you
want me to hold that
flashlight for you, baby?
- Very funny.
- Just my luck, three hours
later the batteries burned out.
- Well one thing you
proved you doo doo,
you can't give a girl a
sun tan with a flashlight.
- I'll let you know
more about that tonight.
- You'll let me know tonight?
- Yeah, I bought some new
batteries for the flashlight.
(laughter)
- Yes well, friends with
that delightful fairy tale
ringing in our ears,
let's look at the Mod,
Mod World of Burbank.
- Hints for gracious living
in Burbank number 31.
At a full dress formal
affair in Burbank,
the gentleman
always permits the lady
to bowl the first frame.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- I guess everybody knows by now
that Burbank is the
finical center of the world.
Big finical decision are
always being made here.
Like this.
- Mat, Mat.
Don't jump, don't jump.
Mat, things can't be that wrong.
- Why not?
I'm wiped out, lost everything.
Nothing left to do but jump.
- But Mat.
- Listen when I told
you to buy commodities,
you made a fortune.
- Yeah.
- Then I told you to diversify,
and you made another fortune.
Then I told you to sell short,
and you made
even another fortune.
Now I'm telling you the
only thing left to do is jump.
- You've never
been wrong before.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- And now as part of
beautiful down town Burbank's
cultural exchange
program with Warsaw,
the Laugh-In Repertory
Theater presents
William Shakespeare's immortal,
Hamlet meets Romeo and Juliette.
On a bridge.
(laughter)
- Hans fish, the king
doth needs but Mullin me
and yet if I should
scrounge his chattel paste
he'd blanch my muffin
till I run it into a pulch.
Romeo, what ho?
- Being so.
- How so?
- So, so.
- You lie.
You bulking.
I toil and thrussell dussell.
And for what, eh?
- Aye.
- No, eh.
- Eh.
- I'll patch my thrulan,
and yet my skullians huddle
to paddle in a puddle.
It's enough to
staunch your krullan.
- The fair Juliette, but soft.
- The softest.
- You know her?
- Romeo, Romeo
wherefore art thou Romeo?
- Excuse me.
I come to thee.
- Ah, before that comes to pass,
I'll have at thee.
- Cool it, will ya.
(laughter)
Alas.
(laughter)
- Ah, oh, yee, ah.
Oh, ah, yee, ah.
Oh.
(laughter)
- Tis dead.
- Ah, oh.
- Oh Juliette.
What have I done?
- Give me a minute to think.
(laughter)
- See both betrayed.
How life passes.
Oh.
And I sheath my blade.
(laughter)
Oh, I must get glasses.
Oh, that is my muffin,
and grind it to a pulp.
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
And Goldie understood
every word of it.
Oh boy.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- The young men of Burbank
have always been the first
to hear the call
of their country.
Both of them.
Witness this scene at
the Burbank draft board.
- But lady, it doesn't
work that way.
- I don't care, he's only 18.
Now at his age he
can't get a drivers license
with out my permission.
He can't get married
without my permission.
He can't sign a contract
without my permission.
And he's not going into the
army without my permission.
And I say, no.
(laughter)
- But you can't do that.
What if every
mother in the world
kept her son out of the army?
Well there'd be no one to fight.
And with no one to fight,
there'd be no more war.
And if there,
you know something Ms Wacker,
I think you're on to something.
(laughter)
Put me out of a job though.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Burbank state university
was one of the first
leading educational
institutions to recognize the need
for new teaching
methods in the class room.
Regard eh vous.
- Now class today
we're gonna discuss
the American Constitution.
Who can tell us
something about that?
Dickie?
- The American Constitution
was signed in 1776.
- No, no, no.
I think if you look that up
you will find it
was actually 1775.
- [Woman] I like that thought.
- 1775 is when they
fought the war of 1812.
- Oh brother, let's
have a voice vote.
- 1775.
- 1775.
- A voice vote.
Alright now, 1870...
- Wait a minute.
- Hold it.
1875 it is, okay.
It was signed in
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
- No, no, no, no.
I don't think Philadelphia
was even in Pennsylvania
back in those by
gone, olden days.
- Boy are you dumb, in those
days Philadelphia was in Ohio.
- Okay, okay Ohio gets it.
And among the signers was
the leader of the minute men,
John Hitchcock.
- Wait a minute no.
You're thinking of
Alfred Hitchcock.
- No, you're both wrong,
it's Alfred Hancock.
- I'll accept that.
That's it then.
The Constitution
was signed in 1875,
by Alfred Hancock,
in Philadelphia, Ohio.
- The Constitution was
signed in 1776 in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania by John Hancock.
You're over looking the facts.
- No professor, you're
over looking the facts.
The facts are there's
12 of us and one of you.
Now what do you say to that?
- Now who am I to argue
with 12 phi beta kappas,
class dismissed.
(funky music)
- As the heart of the
entertainment world,
Burbank offers new hope
and young talent everyday.
Let's look in at a
Burbank studio right now,
where a screen
test is about to begin.
- Okay Chelsea, why don't
you pick out the character
you'd like to
play from this list,
and we'll start
your screen test.
- Okay.
I think I'd like to
try number 34.
- 34, okay.
Bring on the Snow White set.
(laughter)
- Hints for gracious living
in Burbank number 34.
To gain the attention of an
acquaintance in a crowded
wedding reception, one
waves with his right hand,
and throws the hors
d'oeuvres with his left.
(laughter)
- Hippyville.
(drum roll)
(laughter)
(symbols crash)
(funny music)
- Wow, she sure is something.
- You think that's good
you ought to see
her in a mini skirt.
(laughter)
(funny music)
- Okay, let's go.
- Fool.
(soft jazz)
- Well no drinking
for me tonight.
- Well me either.
- Right who needs it?
- Hi.
I'm your bunny, Gladys.
May I have your order?
- Bourbon.
- Scotch.
- Rey, and make 'em doubles.
(laughter)
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(laughter)
- Havana.
- Where did you
get that old hookah?
- She came with
this old water pipe.
(laughter)
He told me to say it.
He did.
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden.
And the strange and wondrous
way in which she removed
the wrapper from the walnetto.
(laughter)
- And now ladies and gentlemen.
The finials of the world
sock it to me contest.
First our contestant
in the east,
Mr Deloris Batchie.
(laughter)
Very good.
And now for our
contestant from the Midwest,
Mr Allen Gordon.
(ducks quaking)
(laughter)
Alright, let's hear it.
Who's your favorite
sock it to me?
(laughter)
- Hey, I forgot to ask you.
How's your invisible
uncle Willard doing?
- Well he's been making
appearances for Howard Hughes.
- Very funny.
- Well it's better than
not showing up at all.
- Yeah I suppose.
I'm glad he's working again.
- Well he was
out of work so long
he had to resort
to a life of crime.
- Oh no.
- Yes, they picked him
up twice for shop lifting.
- Now how did they
know it was him?
- Well anytime they saw
a lamp moving by it's self
out of the store, they'd
pick up uncle Willard.
(laughter)
- Oh uncle Willard never
really made it, did he?
- Not since high school.
You know he was a great athlete.
He ran the 100 yard dash in 5.3.
- How could they tell?
- They had to take
their word for it.
(laughter)
He could have made
it 5.2, you know?
Eyes of blue.
- You're a real
singer, you know.
- You know he's a great
football star, too you know.
- Is he?
- Well always knew what play
the other team was gonna use.
- Now that's quite a talent.
- Not if you're in their huddle.
(laughter)
- Surprised he didn't turn pro.
- Well he was a
professional boxer for a while.
- Oh an invisible boxer.
Well at least no one
ever laid a glove on him.
- Only once, a lucky punch.
Took 'em days to put
him together again.
- Oh really, stitches?
- No invisible weaving.
- Invisible weaving?
Got me again.
So friends, now
that you've heard
tonight's inspirational message,
here's a few moments of
madness we call potpourri.
- There goes another one.
- Grandfather.
Have you been horse
back riding again?
- Of course I have.
It's great fun.
- Yeah, but isn't it
dangerous riding a horse
when you're 85 years old?
- Not if you ride an
85 year old horse.
(laughter)
- Can I have your orders?
- Two mackerels.
(laughter)
La, la, da, da, dum.
When no one ever...
Oh, tivey, divey, dim Drum Drum
- Need to hear a joke?
Story about these
two young girls...
(laughter)
How'd you go for a song?
Romeo (laughter)
Like to hear me scream?
(yells out)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Alright if you're
ready Ms Lawrence,
my nurse will
start the hypnosis.
- Are you sure hypnosis
will work doctor?
I can't stand to
have my teeth drilled.
- Don't you worry my dear,
you look like a wonderful
hypnotic subject.
You won't feel
the drilling at all.
You can start now nurse.
(bonk, bird chirps)
(laughter)
- Boy she is a good
subject, isn't she?
(laughter)
It happened in Monterrey
A few months ago (laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Oh Fuzz, by Henry Gibson.
Oh fuzz, oh fuzz,
how come you dress like us?
To fly, to spy, or
is it just because?
(laughter)
- My aren't you a
handsome prince?
(giggles)
Cutie pie.
Vanish.
No, not him dummy.
- Here comes the
big finish, folks.
- The entire world has become
fashion and design conscious.
Now you all know that.
And that even includes
the armed services.
Recently for instances,
the Marin Corp decided to
redo the decor and the
uniforms at El Toro Marine Base.
Through the magic of
television we trip lightly
to the office of Captain
Butch Begalman.
Who's in charge of
very special services.
(knock on door)
- Mr Stocker.
- Call me Steve.
- Hi Steve, nice to see you.
Been expecting you.
Let me ask you, what do
have in mind on the redoing
of the El Toro Marine Base?
- Well first off, green is out.
Here, look at this.
- That's pink.
- Right, a pink Marine
is a happy Marine.
(laughter)
- And see through blouses, eh?
- Well you see,
it's a safety device.
No fashion conscious
enemy would shoot
and ruin a nifty
number like this.
- Hum.
- Right?
- I like your thinking.
Let me ask you, what do you
have in mind for the mess hall?
- Well, if I may show you.
- Please do.
- Captain is it?
- Mm-Hum.
- Captain, I have
individual dinning nooks
where the men can
eat te da te, get it?
- Well that's impossible,
regulations say they
must wear blouses.
(laughter)
- Te da te is French
for head to head.
- Oh, just testing.
(laughter)
Say you've arranged for flowers
and candle light, oh marvie.
(laughter)
- Well, as an ex-Marine, I
think I know what the boys want.
- Hum, you were a Marin, huh?
Did you see any action?
- You better believe it.
(laughter)
- About the rest of the area.
- Well I have tulips
on the parade ground.
And I see the
administration building
a psychedelic chartreuse.
- Oh gun ho, gun, gun, ho.
Oh how about the barracks?
- Oh, really swell.
The most contemporary,
low, long, one level
sleeping quarters.
No more upper and lower berths.
- Well wait a minute.
That means the men
would have to double up.
- That's right.
- I like your thinking.
Is there anything else?
- Yes, where do I reenlist?
(laughter)
- Don't reenlist.
- Well why not?
- Well I'm getting out
next Thursday, big Minnie.
(laughter)
- In a moment I'll be back
to perform some of my
hilarious grouse
and quail imitations.
But first.
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(drum roll)
(laughter)
- Hey no kidding.
What a coincidence.
He's my lawyer too.
(laughter)
- Oh, I don't like the way
the men look out there.
- Poor baby, they
staring at you?
- No, they're looking
the other way.
(laughter)
- Heavy.
- Whew, it sure
is hot in this tent.
- It is, eh?
- Mm-Hum.
- Wait a minute.
I'll turn on the
air conditioning.
(laughter)
(fabric rips, wind blows)
- Oh Goldie, I'm
so tired of this job.
All it is, is pinch,
pinch, pinch.
- Oh, are they pinching
you bunny Gladys?
- No, I have to pinch
them to get their attention.
(laughter)
- Burbank.
- And now folks, a moment
that will go down in history.
Along with the Andrea Doria.
Our own, our very, very own,
Burbank's answer to
the Vienna Boy Quire,
our own, our very, very own,
Dick Martin and the Aristocrats.
What else would you call 'em?
I've got hickeys
Ever since you left me
I've got hickeys
all over my neck
Its so plane to see
On his anatomy
I've got shingles
Ever since you left me
I'm all jumpy and
such a nervous wreck
Oh he's a nervous
wreck Oh baby I've been
- I hate this, I really
hate this number.
I hate it.
I hate it.
It's a terrible
number, I hate it.
I hate this number.
He's saying I've got hickeys
- [Al] I hate it.
And I'm baiting my every breath
- [Al] I hate it.
Please come back
or I'll scratch myself
- What do I know?
- That might be good.
- Yeah.
Please come back or
I'll scratch myself to death
(applause)
- And now boys and girls
time for tonight's secret word.
Turn your decoder
thing to code 17B.
Here is tonight's secret word.
Two, nine, 16, 16, 25.
And when you get the message,
be sure to tell your father,
but not your mother.
(laughter)
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(laughter)
(musical fan fare)
- Hi, Big Al here.
Oh mad about my bell.
Don't ya like a little tinkle?
(laughter)
Don't you like a big tinkle?
(laughter)
Love it, oh.
- Schneider.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
See ya in the barracks.
- I just found out that when
Warner Brothers makes
the Lawrence Harvey story,
Larry Parks will dub me?
(laughter)
- What you say?
Whoa.
(laughter)
- Ugh, good evening,
I'm Perry Como,
and I owe my presence
here tonight to all the folks
who have complained that
this show moves too fast.
(laughter)
- Now there's some news
for you that we think...
- You know, actually
this is probably the
first time I'll ask you this,
but I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my Aunt once said to me?
- Would it make any
difference if I were to say no?
- Oh, how kind of you to ask.
(laughter)
She was stuck in the
balcony of the Rialto Theater
in Travers City Michigan
with a button hook
salesmen name Mort Viner,
for 45 days watching
old Tony Curtis movies.
(laughter)
- Oh dire circumstance.
- Well I guess what she
what she said when she
came out of that last
Tony Curtis movie.
- How could she have
torn herself away?
- Well it was Mr Cory I think.
- Oh.
- When she came
out, what she said,
(laughter)
oh God, it was funny.
- Well what did she say?
- I'll tell you next season.
(laughter)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Tony.
Everybody else.
(musical fan fare)
(applause)
- If Julie London
married Loyd Bridges,
and she tripped
coming out of the church,
she'd be Julie
London-Bridges falling down.
(laughter)
- Some like it hot,
some like it cold,
some like it in the
pot, some don't.
(laughter)
- Chelsea?
- Yes, Tony?
- If you cross a roller
coaster, a merry go round,
and a tunnel of love,
what would you get?
- I don't know, what?
- You'd get a round
about romance,
that has it's ups and downs.
(laughter)
(groaning)
- Boring.
Hi Allen.
- Oh, you little Dresden Doll.
(laughter)
Do you know that I
used to be a chiropractor?
- No kidding, you're
pulling my leg.
- I'd like too.
(laughter)
- You see that's
a chiropractic joke.
(laughter)
- You know I took my girl
to a horror movie last night.
She screamed 10 times, but
twice on account of the movie.
- Go to your room.
(laughter)
Practice.
- Tony!
- Yes.
- I still can't tell the
difference between
starboard and port.
- Well you
beautiful ding a ling,
you see you just look
at the label on the bottle.
- Oh well.
Chelsea Brown, Chelsea
Brown - Yes Jo Anne.
- Oh there you are.
- Hi.
- Listen darling tell me,
would you take the pill?
- No, to me it's inconceivable.
- I don't' understand that.
(laughter)
- Did you know Humpty
Dumpty had a great fall?
- Yeah, but he had
a lousy summer.
(laughter)
- Tony?
- Yes.
- You've been abroad.
Where's the American
section in Paris?
- The first ten rows
of the Folies Bergère.
- Oh.
- Yes, and I've only been
a broad in Some Like it Hot.
- Oh, you devil.
You devil.
- If a... (giggles)
If Milton Berle... (giggles)
(laughter)
was playing a Scotsman,
and Wilt Chaberlain
borrowed his costume,
he'd be a... (person
speaking in background)
Thank you.
(laughter)
- [Man] One more time.
(laughter)
Come on Goldie.
Come on.
Goldie.
(giggles)
(laughter)
- [Man] Come on Goldie.
Come on.
- Hello.
If Milton Berle was
playing a Scotsman,
- [All] Was playing a Scotsman,
and Wilt Chamberlain,
come on Goldie,
borrowed his costume,
you'd have (all talking
over each other).
(laughter)
(siren wails)
(funky music)
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(laughter)
(musical fan fare)
- Goldie, what happened?
- Well I just washed my ears,
and I can't do a thing with 'em.
(laughter)
Have yourself a Have your Geesh.
(laughter)
- He called.
(laughter)
- That's funny.
(giggles)
- Cooch, cooch, cooch.
(laughter)
You cutie.
- I am Sheikh, Ali Ben Irving.
Like a piece of fruit?
- No tanks.
- Prince of the Sahara.
Lord of the desert.
I cannot give you gold, or
jewels, or riches my love.
But if you ever need sand.
(laughter)
Oh Bertie, you
Brooklyn beauty you.
Tell you what honey,
if you got the sand,
I got the bucket.
(laughter)
- This program was
prerecorded earlier,
since we found it very
difficult to prerecord it later.
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
Not very funny,
but very interesting.
(laughter)
Good night, Lucy.
And good night, Bernie Schwartz.
Where ever you are.
(laughter)
Boy those clothes.
Woo, woo.
(one person clapping)
(high pitched beeps)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(applause)
(laughter)
- Hey Dick, they must
have canceled the party.
- Funny I got my invitation.
- What Dan and Dick don't know
is that they arrived at the
party five seconds too early.
Five, four, three,
two, one, party.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Hey Tony did you
see Chekhov's Seagull?
- No, no.
Why should I pay
good money to see
a movie about
somebody else's bird?
- Oh, you're right.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Chelsea, now that Mr
Nixon is the chief executive,
does his wife call
him Mr President?
- Sure, why should she stop now?
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Listen girls, I
have a question.
If any boy in America can grow
up to become Vice President,
how come this time nobody did?
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Boris and I decided
that we'd been seeing
too much of each other.
So last night we
turned out the lights.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Hey Dave, did you see
the Killing of Sister George?
- As a matter of fact I did.
But don't say anything.
I don't want to get involved.
(laughter)
- Hey Goldie?
Did you see the
Killing of Sister George?
- No, when you live
in a back apartment
you don't see much of anything.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Hey they've done a white
version and a black version
of Hello Dolly.
Next they're gonna
do a nude version
and call it Hell-O Dolly!
(laughter)
- Allen, go to your room.
(funky music)
- You know over the years
we've traded quite fairly
with the American Indians.
They've given us corn,
tobacco, and Keely Smith.
And we've given them
Reservations, fire water,
and John Wayne.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Hi CV.
- Hi Dick.
Darling, do you believe
in love at first sight?
- I don't know, what did
you figure on showing me?
- Oh, I'm serious.
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
- Well I used to, but I
kept getting thrown out of
one restaurant after another.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Yesterday a man
offered me a lift.
But he turned out to
be a plastic surgeon.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- I can understand
our black brethren
being somewhat
disenchanted with the Church.
But why spread the rumor
that Gabriel has lost his lip?
(laughter)
(funky music)
- I just finished a
long run on Broadway.
- Oh really, what play?
- No play, a mugger
chased me for 30 blocks.
- Oh that's alright.
(funky music)
(applause)
- And now from the
emergency ward of the beautiful
down town Burbank Manicure
and Muffler Repair shop.
NBC loudly presents
Martin and Rowan's In-Laugh.
Staring Dan Rowan,
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Tony Curtis.
And Judy Carne.
Arty Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Dave Madden.
Allen Sues.
Chelsea Brown.
And Jo Anne Worley.
Yours truly Gary Ownes.
And Morgul the Friendly Drelb.
But first, here once
again, is the delightful
NBC Peacock to lay a
60 second egg on you all.
(laughter)
- Of favorite desert chef,
for dinner tonight I want,
goats eyes, candied camel's
hoofs, stuffed scorpion legs,
and sauteed vulture beak.
- Is that to go?
(laughter)
- Yeah, but no onion.
You see I got a
date with a princess.
You wanna a drag?
- No thanks I'm walking.
(laughter)
(loud snoring)
- Alright, alright, come
on, move it along now.
(sighs)
(laughter)
- Get your own blanket.
(laughter)
- Where else has William
Morris booked you?
(laughter)
- Hey, oh great I get to work
the Playboy club in New York.
- Wow, I'm assigned
to the one in Miami.
- Oh and I get the
one in Hollywood.
- Oh that's funny,
I didn't know there was
a Playboy club in Poland.
(laughter)
- And now stepping
out of the silent screen,
onto our musical comedy stage,
here are the two Vaudevillians
who have become number one
on radio this year.
Dan Rowan and his faithful
Indian friend, Tonto Martin.
(laughter)
(applause)
- No, no, no, no more, no more.
- More cops.
More cops, please.
- Hey...
- Hold that crowd back.
Hold them back.
- May I say something.
I called you twice last night.
- That's funny I was
out on a double date.
- You know somehow
you just don't seem to me
to be the sort of fella to
go out on a double date.
- Well there's not a
whole lot else you can do
when you're out
with Siamese twins.
(laughter)
- Siamese twins?
That must have
been quite an evening.
- Yeah, I'm afraid I
had one too many.
(laughter)
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- You know Lulu and Mimi
have joined at the
back since birth.
- Now I know I don't
want to hear about it,
- You never know whether
you're coming or going.
(laughter)
- Are you through now?
- What a figure, 72, 44, 72.
(laughter)
- I suppose you
entertained these twins
in your usual charming fashion.
- Well Mimi and I
dined by candle light.
- What about Lulu?
- She took the
table right behind.
(laughter)
- It all worked out rather well.
- Until she started to dance.
Every time I put my
arm around Mimi,
I was in trouble with Lulu.
(laughter)
- Figures.
- After dinner Mimi and I
spent a very romantic hour
back at my place.
Lulu read a book so she
wouldn't disturb us, you know?
- Wasn't that
considerate of Lulu.
- She just hasn't been
herself since the divorce.
- Oh, you mean
Lulu's been married?
- Yeah, it didn't
work out you know.
The second her back
was turned (whistles).
(laughter)
- I knew I didn't want
to hear about this.
- They almost
separated because of it,
you know that.
- Lulu and her husband?
- No, no Lulu and Mimi.
(laughter)
- Well if Lulu didn't
want to go along,
how did you get the girls
up to your apartment?
- Blow in her ear, they'll
follow you anywhere.
(laughter)
- Well did you enjoy your
evening with the Siamese twins?
- Well yes and no.
(laughter)
- Oh, the worst
joke I've ever heard.
- You got to admit it's quick.
- Hey speaking of quickies.
(high pitched tone)
- Oh, thank you Tony Curtis.
Do you know what?
I would really love to be in
a movie with you some day.
- What kind of a movie?
- How about a drive in?
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
The Boston Strangler
meets the Indianan injurer.
(laughter)
That's the girl, you know.
- I'm not really supposed
to be on the show.
I just dropped by to give
Jo Anne relaxing lessons.
(high pitched sound)
(laughter)
- Oh you forgot your eggs, lady.
(laughter)
- There goes quickie.
(high pitched sound)
- Timber!
- You shut it.
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
- You know, Mr Curtis I
do think you're groovy.
- Well thank you.
- And I heard the last
time you were in England,
all the girls there loved you.
- Well, thank you
Judy, thank you.
- Tell me, didn't that
keep you awfully busy?
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
- Mr Walker, you
have been found guilty,
and sentenced to be executed.
What form of
execution do you prefer?
Electricity or gas?
- What about coal?
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
(speaking foreign language)
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
(bell dings, dial rattles)
- [Operator] Weather bureau.
The forecast today is rain.
(thunder cracks)
(laughter)
(high pitched sound)
- Laugh-In is the second
funniest show in England.
It ranks just behind
Prim Minister Harold Wilson's
devaluation of the pound speech.
(laughter)
- And so there you
have there Dick.
Our Laugh-In
quickie for tonight.
- Maybe your Laugh-In
quickie for tonight.
- Whatever turns you on, Dick.
- Well then the flying,
fickle, finger, of fate
is what really turns me on.
(laughter)
Oh Dick, where are you?
(laughter)
- Yes folks, Dick is right.
It's time for what turns me on.
The flying, fickle,
of fate award.
- Yup, and tonight's fickle
finger involves a telephone
directory published by
the Defense Department
under President Johnson.
Listing the civilian officials
in the Johnson administration.
80,000 copies of the 400
page directory were printed
at a cost, to the tax
payers, of $40,000.
- That seems
reasonable enough to me.
- Well certainly
it's reasonable.
Except that according
to the Associated Press,
six days after the
directory was published,
the Nixon
administration took over.
(laughter)
and most of the
people listed here
were leaving the Defense
Department forever.
- You mean they'll have
to spend another 40,000
in only six days?
- You've got it, pal.
- Yeah, but not for long.
Former Defense Department
Officials, let this finger
do the walking through
your yellow pages.
(laughter)
- And tune next week
folks when the flying, fickle,
finger of fate, or the
precious protuberance
as our makeup chappies call
it, goes to the Navy Department.
For their swell
welcome home surprise
to Commander
Booker of the Pueblo.
(laughter)
- Here now, I mean here
now for your musical enjoyment
is the Weaver Brother's trio,
Pat, Sylvester, and Doodles.
- I shouldn't point
this, it's got a nail in it.
- Come on dude.
(laughter)
(applause)
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(drum roll)
(laughter)
(raucous laughter)
("Pop Goes the
Weasel" Instrumental)
(loud snoring)
- Okay, okay move along.
- I gave at the office.
(laughter)
- Goldie, do we serve
filet mignon here?
- It's the law, you have to
serve everybody you know.
(laughter)
- Kiki.
- Um Sir, aren't you
forgetting your bunny?
(soft jazz playing)
(laughter)
- Are you sure Rudolph
Valentino started this way, honey?
(laughter)
Oh you're adorable,
but you're heavy.
Trust me.
(laughter)
- And now folks, in the
tradition of de ole, great ole
minstrel show, wees
now gonna sock it to ya.
With da news.
- Alright Judy.
Now you've all gone too far.
I mean look at this.
- You know what, Chelsea?
I've only been
black for five minutes
and already I'm fed up
with you white chicks.
(laughter)
This is (mumbles)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information.
In a way we hope we'll amuse You
We just love to
give you our views
La, ta, de, da.
We can dance,
Laugh-In looks at the
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (music
ends with flourish)
- Hold it down, hold it down.
Now for the news of the present.
Here's the man,
(singers drowning out speaker)
here's the man, yeah.
- Toni Curtis.
- Wouldn't be the
news without the news.
Here's ugh, here's
you know, Dick.
(applause)
(funky music)
- Toni if Jack Lemon
could see you now.
(laughter)
Oh, dateline Las Angels.
Dean Martin's yacht broke
up off California coast today.
In a three mile
wide liquor slick
headed toward the Malibu shore.
(laughter)
Governor Regan immediately
declared a state of emergency
and announced that
until further notice,
no one under 21 would be
allowed to swim in the area.
(laughter)
Dateline New York.
The Rockefeller foundation
announced it would give
the University of North
Carolina $2 million
for research on better
means of birth control.
In gratitude the
University president called
for a minute of silence.
Or as he so aptly put
it, a pregnant pause.
(laughter)
Dateline Peaking.
Red China today offered the US
a list of conditions for peace,
including a non-proliferation,
bomb secession,
and trade cultural exchange.
Pick one from column A
and one two from column B.
(laughter)
And now take it away Goldie.
(drum roll)
(giggles)
- Oh boy.
And now, (giggles)
with the news of the future,
of the future in the future,
here's a (giggles)
our favorite future news giver.
Here's Danny.
(laughter)
- Thank you, Chelsea.
- I'm Goldie.
- You sure?
- Don't confuse me, man.
(laughter)
- Certainly try not too, Goldie.
Burbank 1989, 20 years from now.
Early this morning the
500 room Nurn hotel,
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
burned to the ground.
Fortunately no one was
injured as the hotel guest
was not in the building
at the time of the fire.
(laughter)
He was out back in the bathroom.
(laughter)
New York 1989.
The experiment which housed
the entire city of New York
in one mile high building
was declared a failure today,
when people in
the top 9000 floors
refused to pass through
the official city
ghetto in the lobby.
(laughter)
Washington DC 1989,
20 years from now.
Ambassador of
Interplanetary Goodwill,
Spiro Agnew today
declined to be guest of honor
on the first commercial
flight to Mars.
Mr Agnew said, if you've
seen one fat, little, greenie
you've seen 'em all.
(laughter)
- Hello, this is me.
Time once again to present
the Laugh-In news feature.
We take you now
to the nations capital
to meet and greet
Congressman Clayton Adams.
Who is just returning
from a fact finding tour
of the Caribbean Islands.
(laughter)
- And here's
Congressman Adams now.
Welcome back, sir.
- Well thanks a lot.
It's certainly good to be back.
How do you like my leis?
- Beautiful.
- It's been a exhausting
six months, I'll tell you that.
I could never
have done it though
without the (mumbles)
help of my assistants.
This is Ms Boom Boom La tour.
- Hi.
- And this is Ms Candy Far.
- Hi there.
- Tell me, what were
conditions like in the Caribbean?
- Oh in the Caribbean?
They were deplorable,
weren't they, yes.
Deplorable.
I saw nothing but slums and
poverty from every window
of my penthouse.
- That's really shocking.
- Yes, it is.
- I assume you're
on your way right now
to give the
President a full report.
- Well, you see I
haven't got time for that.
No, we're off to
the French Rivera.
- Rivera?
- Yes, I know that
there is poverty there.
And I'm gonna find it someplace
if it takes the rest
of my time in office.
Right girls?
- [Both] Right.
- Okay staff.
Would you bring the bags, boy.
(laughter)
- Where are my cigarettes?
- Well I...
- That's what the show
needs, is more whimsy.
- Now this is a
fried chicken joke.
(laughter)
anyway.
And now sports fans.
Here's our Laugh-In
sports report
with one of the great
sports of all time.
The only man who ever
missed the high hurdle jump,
and won the yodeling
contest at the same time.
(laughter)
Think about it.
The old breast
stroke himself, Big Al.
Take it away, Ofay.
(funny music)
- Oh, hi.
Big Al here.
(bell rings)
Featurette.
Isn't that a trip.
(laughter)
well kids, I covered the
international water polo match,
and all I can say is crash,
splash, gurgle, gurgle.
Oh it was awful.
Pushing and paddling and
trying to drown each other
just to get a ball
though an old hoop.
Disgusting.
And it wasn't bad enough
for the polo players,
but the ones I felt
sorry for were those little
horseies under them.
Well I'd rather pull
a fruit truck myself.
(laughter)
Ta, ta.
- [All] La, da, dee, do.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news
Oh yeah (applause)
- By the time I found out
he didn't mean dancing
when he said the bunny
hug, it was too late.
(laughter)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
When little girls change
my clothes, I smile.
When little boys
touch my body, I smile.
And hit.
- Well Dick, tonight we
introduce a new department
that features our
television audience.
- They're both here?
- No, you ding a ling.
I'm talking about
letters to Laugh-In.
- We get letters?
- Oh, we certainly do.
- Well I didn't think
they'd let our audience
have anything sharp.
- Why we get thousands
of letters every week,
and tonight we're
gonna read a few of them.
- Well you can't say
things like that on television.
- Oh these letters
are not like that at all.
- Well I should hope not.
If they're anything
like the phone calls,
the NBC sensors will be
working the little beepers
to the bone.
- Yeah well, I think
it's time we got started.
- Here's one from a Mrs Zippera.
- Hey that's funny.
- That's not her
joke, you doo doo.
That's her name.
- I'll drink to that.
- Mrs Zippera is from
Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin,
and here's her joke.
The old woman
who lived in a shoe,
and has so many children
finally found out what to do.
- Hum, sounds like your
basic pill joke, Mrs Zippera.
- Here's one for the Parson.
The biblical reference,
ashes to ashes,
and dust to dust,
does not mean the Lord
approves of air pollution.
(laughter)
- Hey Jo Anne I have one.
- Yes, what is it Big Al?
- It came from Lawrence
Robinson form...
- Who?
- Lawrence Robinson,
from Troy, New York.
It says, hey Jo Anne,
you're so pretty I
don't think I can take it.
- Oh, that's adorable.
This one says, hey
Big Al you're so dumb,
I don't think you can find it.
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
- Sure you wouldn't
get it, dummy,
get in there.
(laughter)
Think about it.
- Hey, here's a goody.
In Burbank there's a poor
people's march every night.
When the citizens
come home form work.
(laughter)
- Here's one from Richard
Gordon, in Flushing New York.
Oh, you're there. Hi Goldie.
- Hi, I'm here.
Yeah.
- Goldie what has
four legs and flies.
- A dead horse.
- No.
Two pairs of pants.
(laughter)
- Hey listen to this everybody.
Here's a wonderful diet.
For breakfast you eat 14 lemons.
By the time your mouth
un-puckers lunch and dinner is over.
(laughter)
I know there's a
joke in there, I know.
(laughter)
- Well Doo Doo, that's our
letters to Laugh-In this week.
What did you think of it?
- Well they're great.
Why don't we
call the post office
and have them double
the order next week.
- Yeah, and folks listen,
if you have any goodies
for our letters to Laugh-In
department send them
to beautiful down town
Burbank, in care of the mayor.
- Why not the post master?
- Well she is the mayor.
- You mean the police chief?
- That's him.
- Oh.
- Oh, my you poor man.
Oh, now is my chance to use
mouth to mouth resuscitation.
(laughter)
(kissing sounds)
(laughter)
Oh, oh there you are.
What happened?
- I was just looking
for my cuff links and...
- Yeah?
- And then you came along.
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
And really breath taking.
(laughter)
- Well thank
goodness that's over.
Now maybe we can get down
to some real commercials.
(laughter)
- If you think the Boston
Strangler was great,
here's something that's
really gonna choke you up.
(laughter)
A station break.
(laughter)
- And now this important
opportunity for a short nip.
- [Jo Anne] That's
nap, you ninny.
- And now this important
opportunity for short nap,
you ninnies.
- [Jo Anne] That's better.
(train screeching)
(laughter)
- This subway is a
lot like my church.
Some people sleep,
some people are lost,
some just come in
to get out of the rain.
And yet for whatever
reason they come,
they all average out
to 20 cents a head.
(laughter)
- This crowd is terrible.
That settles it,
this is the last time
I'll go tourist class.
(laughter)
- You know this train better
get to City Hospital on time.
Or I'll have to
pay another fare.
(laughter)
A little one.
- I think big business has
done more than it's share
for the poor people.
Who do they think
built those slums?
(laughter)
- Hi ya, big fella.
Where ya from?
- Fire Island, why?
- Forget it.
(laughter)
- How do you get
to Times Square?
- Well you have to make
a change at the next stop.
- Okay, but close your
eyes while I change.
(laughter)
- Oh excuse me
pretty young thing,
but could you help an
old man to get off the train?
- Oh, where do
you want to get off?
- Where do you usually get off?
(laughter)
- Hey could you spare a
buck for an old veteran?
- You get lost you bum,
why don't you go to work
for a living like the
rest of us, will ya?
Mind holding this
purse for a minute.
Well that's it.
You can keep it if you like it.
- Oh no, it goes
better with your things.
(laughter)
- This is your off
stage announcer,
reminding you and only you,
that Dan and Dick are
at Flip Wilson's house
getting a soul transplant.
(laughter)
- Well Dick tonight our
Mod, Mod World is going
to take a look at the
people of beautiful
down town Burbank.
- Yuck.
(laughter)
- Well that's no way to
talk about the city we love.
- Well I like some
of the people there.
- Well I should hope so.
- I like the one I met
last night for instance.
- I don't think I
want to hear about it.
- She was stretched out on
a pool table in a teeny bikini.
- Where were you?
- I was right behind
the eight ball,
heading for the corner pocket.
(laughter)
- You were playing pool?
- Was I ever.
Woo woo!
(laughter)
I made a three cushion bank
shot you wouldn't believe.
- Yes well, now I know I
don't want to hear about it.
- Actually she was
trying to get a sun tan.
- At night?
- That's what she
had the flashlight for.
- Well what'd ya say to her?
- I said hey, you
want me to hold that
flashlight for you, baby?
- Very funny.
- Just my luck, three hours
later the batteries burned out.
- Well one thing you
proved you doo doo,
you can't give a girl a
sun tan with a flashlight.
- I'll let you know
more about that tonight.
- You'll let me know tonight?
- Yeah, I bought some new
batteries for the flashlight.
(laughter)
- Yes well, friends with
that delightful fairy tale
ringing in our ears,
let's look at the Mod,
Mod World of Burbank.
- Hints for gracious living
in Burbank number 31.
At a full dress formal
affair in Burbank,
the gentleman
always permits the lady
to bowl the first frame.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- I guess everybody knows by now
that Burbank is the
finical center of the world.
Big finical decision are
always being made here.
Like this.
- Mat, Mat.
Don't jump, don't jump.
Mat, things can't be that wrong.
- Why not?
I'm wiped out, lost everything.
Nothing left to do but jump.
- But Mat.
- Listen when I told
you to buy commodities,
you made a fortune.
- Yeah.
- Then I told you to diversify,
and you made another fortune.
Then I told you to sell short,
and you made
even another fortune.
Now I'm telling you the
only thing left to do is jump.
- You've never
been wrong before.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- And now as part of
beautiful down town Burbank's
cultural exchange
program with Warsaw,
the Laugh-In Repertory
Theater presents
William Shakespeare's immortal,
Hamlet meets Romeo and Juliette.
On a bridge.
(laughter)
- Hans fish, the king
doth needs but Mullin me
and yet if I should
scrounge his chattel paste
he'd blanch my muffin
till I run it into a pulch.
Romeo, what ho?
- Being so.
- How so?
- So, so.
- You lie.
You bulking.
I toil and thrussell dussell.
And for what, eh?
- Aye.
- No, eh.
- Eh.
- I'll patch my thrulan,
and yet my skullians huddle
to paddle in a puddle.
It's enough to
staunch your krullan.
- The fair Juliette, but soft.
- The softest.
- You know her?
- Romeo, Romeo
wherefore art thou Romeo?
- Excuse me.
I come to thee.
- Ah, before that comes to pass,
I'll have at thee.
- Cool it, will ya.
(laughter)
Alas.
(laughter)
- Ah, oh, yee, ah.
Oh, ah, yee, ah.
Oh.
(laughter)
- Tis dead.
- Ah, oh.
- Oh Juliette.
What have I done?
- Give me a minute to think.
(laughter)
- See both betrayed.
How life passes.
Oh.
And I sheath my blade.
(laughter)
Oh, I must get glasses.
Oh, that is my muffin,
and grind it to a pulp.
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
And Goldie understood
every word of it.
Oh boy.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- The young men of Burbank
have always been the first
to hear the call
of their country.
Both of them.
Witness this scene at
the Burbank draft board.
- But lady, it doesn't
work that way.
- I don't care, he's only 18.
Now at his age he
can't get a drivers license
with out my permission.
He can't get married
without my permission.
He can't sign a contract
without my permission.
And he's not going into the
army without my permission.
And I say, no.
(laughter)
- But you can't do that.
What if every
mother in the world
kept her son out of the army?
Well there'd be no one to fight.
And with no one to fight,
there'd be no more war.
And if there,
you know something Ms Wacker,
I think you're on to something.
(laughter)
Put me out of a job though.
(laughter)
(funky music)
- Burbank state university
was one of the first
leading educational
institutions to recognize the need
for new teaching
methods in the class room.
Regard eh vous.
- Now class today
we're gonna discuss
the American Constitution.
Who can tell us
something about that?
Dickie?
- The American Constitution
was signed in 1776.
- No, no, no.
I think if you look that up
you will find it
was actually 1775.
- [Woman] I like that thought.
- 1775 is when they
fought the war of 1812.
- Oh brother, let's
have a voice vote.
- 1775.
- 1775.
- A voice vote.
Alright now, 1870...
- Wait a minute.
- Hold it.
1875 it is, okay.
It was signed in
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
- No, no, no, no.
I don't think Philadelphia
was even in Pennsylvania
back in those by
gone, olden days.
- Boy are you dumb, in those
days Philadelphia was in Ohio.
- Okay, okay Ohio gets it.
And among the signers was
the leader of the minute men,
John Hitchcock.
- Wait a minute no.
You're thinking of
Alfred Hitchcock.
- No, you're both wrong,
it's Alfred Hancock.
- I'll accept that.
That's it then.
The Constitution
was signed in 1875,
by Alfred Hancock,
in Philadelphia, Ohio.
- The Constitution was
signed in 1776 in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania by John Hancock.
You're over looking the facts.
- No professor, you're
over looking the facts.
The facts are there's
12 of us and one of you.
Now what do you say to that?
- Now who am I to argue
with 12 phi beta kappas,
class dismissed.
(funky music)
- As the heart of the
entertainment world,
Burbank offers new hope
and young talent everyday.
Let's look in at a
Burbank studio right now,
where a screen
test is about to begin.
- Okay Chelsea, why don't
you pick out the character
you'd like to
play from this list,
and we'll start
your screen test.
- Okay.
I think I'd like to
try number 34.
- 34, okay.
Bring on the Snow White set.
(laughter)
- Hints for gracious living
in Burbank number 34.
To gain the attention of an
acquaintance in a crowded
wedding reception, one
waves with his right hand,
and throws the hors
d'oeuvres with his left.
(laughter)
- Hippyville.
(drum roll)
(laughter)
(symbols crash)
(funny music)
- Wow, she sure is something.
- You think that's good
you ought to see
her in a mini skirt.
(laughter)
(funny music)
- Okay, let's go.
- Fool.
(soft jazz)
- Well no drinking
for me tonight.
- Well me either.
- Right who needs it?
- Hi.
I'm your bunny, Gladys.
May I have your order?
- Bourbon.
- Scotch.
- Rey, and make 'em doubles.
(laughter)
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(laughter)
- Havana.
- Where did you
get that old hookah?
- She came with
this old water pipe.
(laughter)
He told me to say it.
He did.
- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden.
And the strange and wondrous
way in which she removed
the wrapper from the walnetto.
(laughter)
- And now ladies and gentlemen.
The finials of the world
sock it to me contest.
First our contestant
in the east,
Mr Deloris Batchie.
(laughter)
Very good.
And now for our
contestant from the Midwest,
Mr Allen Gordon.
(ducks quaking)
(laughter)
Alright, let's hear it.
Who's your favorite
sock it to me?
(laughter)
- Hey, I forgot to ask you.
How's your invisible
uncle Willard doing?
- Well he's been making
appearances for Howard Hughes.
- Very funny.
- Well it's better than
not showing up at all.
- Yeah I suppose.
I'm glad he's working again.
- Well he was
out of work so long
he had to resort
to a life of crime.
- Oh no.
- Yes, they picked him
up twice for shop lifting.
- Now how did they
know it was him?
- Well anytime they saw
a lamp moving by it's self
out of the store, they'd
pick up uncle Willard.
(laughter)
- Oh uncle Willard never
really made it, did he?
- Not since high school.
You know he was a great athlete.
He ran the 100 yard dash in 5.3.
- How could they tell?
- They had to take
their word for it.
(laughter)
He could have made
it 5.2, you know?
Eyes of blue.
- You're a real
singer, you know.
- You know he's a great
football star, too you know.
- Is he?
- Well always knew what play
the other team was gonna use.
- Now that's quite a talent.
- Not if you're in their huddle.
(laughter)
- Surprised he didn't turn pro.
- Well he was a
professional boxer for a while.
- Oh an invisible boxer.
Well at least no one
ever laid a glove on him.
- Only once, a lucky punch.
Took 'em days to put
him together again.
- Oh really, stitches?
- No invisible weaving.
- Invisible weaving?
Got me again.
So friends, now
that you've heard
tonight's inspirational message,
here's a few moments of
madness we call potpourri.
- There goes another one.
- Grandfather.
Have you been horse
back riding again?
- Of course I have.
It's great fun.
- Yeah, but isn't it
dangerous riding a horse
when you're 85 years old?
- Not if you ride an
85 year old horse.
(laughter)
- Can I have your orders?
- Two mackerels.
(laughter)
La, la, da, da, dum.
When no one ever...
Oh, tivey, divey, dim Drum Drum
- Need to hear a joke?
Story about these
two young girls...
(laughter)
How'd you go for a song?
Romeo (laughter)
Like to hear me scream?
(yells out)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Alright if you're
ready Ms Lawrence,
my nurse will
start the hypnosis.
- Are you sure hypnosis
will work doctor?
I can't stand to
have my teeth drilled.
- Don't you worry my dear,
you look like a wonderful
hypnotic subject.
You won't feel
the drilling at all.
You can start now nurse.
(bonk, bird chirps)
(laughter)
- Boy she is a good
subject, isn't she?
(laughter)
It happened in Monterrey
A few months ago (laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Oh Fuzz, by Henry Gibson.
Oh fuzz, oh fuzz,
how come you dress like us?
To fly, to spy, or
is it just because?
(laughter)
- My aren't you a
handsome prince?
(giggles)
Cutie pie.
Vanish.
No, not him dummy.
- Here comes the
big finish, folks.
- The entire world has become
fashion and design conscious.
Now you all know that.
And that even includes
the armed services.
Recently for instances,
the Marin Corp decided to
redo the decor and the
uniforms at El Toro Marine Base.
Through the magic of
television we trip lightly
to the office of Captain
Butch Begalman.
Who's in charge of
very special services.
(knock on door)
- Mr Stocker.
- Call me Steve.
- Hi Steve, nice to see you.
Been expecting you.
Let me ask you, what do
have in mind on the redoing
of the El Toro Marine Base?
- Well first off, green is out.
Here, look at this.
- That's pink.
- Right, a pink Marine
is a happy Marine.
(laughter)
- And see through blouses, eh?
- Well you see,
it's a safety device.
No fashion conscious
enemy would shoot
and ruin a nifty
number like this.
- Hum.
- Right?
- I like your thinking.
Let me ask you, what do you
have in mind for the mess hall?
- Well, if I may show you.
- Please do.
- Captain is it?
- Mm-Hum.
- Captain, I have
individual dinning nooks
where the men can
eat te da te, get it?
- Well that's impossible,
regulations say they
must wear blouses.
(laughter)
- Te da te is French
for head to head.
- Oh, just testing.
(laughter)
Say you've arranged for flowers
and candle light, oh marvie.
(laughter)
- Well, as an ex-Marine, I
think I know what the boys want.
- Hum, you were a Marin, huh?
Did you see any action?
- You better believe it.
(laughter)
- About the rest of the area.
- Well I have tulips
on the parade ground.
And I see the
administration building
a psychedelic chartreuse.
- Oh gun ho, gun, gun, ho.
Oh how about the barracks?
- Oh, really swell.
The most contemporary,
low, long, one level
sleeping quarters.
No more upper and lower berths.
- Well wait a minute.
That means the men
would have to double up.
- That's right.
- I like your thinking.
Is there anything else?
- Yes, where do I reenlist?
(laughter)
- Don't reenlist.
- Well why not?
- Well I'm getting out
next Thursday, big Minnie.
(laughter)
- In a moment I'll be back
to perform some of my
hilarious grouse
and quail imitations.
But first.
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(drum roll)
(laughter)
- Hey no kidding.
What a coincidence.
He's my lawyer too.
(laughter)
- Oh, I don't like the way
the men look out there.
- Poor baby, they
staring at you?
- No, they're looking
the other way.
(laughter)
- Heavy.
- Whew, it sure
is hot in this tent.
- It is, eh?
- Mm-Hum.
- Wait a minute.
I'll turn on the
air conditioning.
(laughter)
(fabric rips, wind blows)
- Oh Goldie, I'm
so tired of this job.
All it is, is pinch,
pinch, pinch.
- Oh, are they pinching
you bunny Gladys?
- No, I have to pinch
them to get their attention.
(laughter)
- Burbank.
- And now folks, a moment
that will go down in history.
Along with the Andrea Doria.
Our own, our very, very own,
Burbank's answer to
the Vienna Boy Quire,
our own, our very, very own,
Dick Martin and the Aristocrats.
What else would you call 'em?
I've got hickeys
Ever since you left me
I've got hickeys
all over my neck
Its so plane to see
On his anatomy
I've got shingles
Ever since you left me
I'm all jumpy and
such a nervous wreck
Oh he's a nervous
wreck Oh baby I've been
- I hate this, I really
hate this number.
I hate it.
I hate it.
It's a terrible
number, I hate it.
I hate this number.
He's saying I've got hickeys
- [Al] I hate it.
And I'm baiting my every breath
- [Al] I hate it.
Please come back
or I'll scratch myself
- What do I know?
- That might be good.
- Yeah.
Please come back or
I'll scratch myself to death
(applause)
- And now boys and girls
time for tonight's secret word.
Turn your decoder
thing to code 17B.
Here is tonight's secret word.
Two, nine, 16, 16, 25.
And when you get the message,
be sure to tell your father,
but not your mother.
(laughter)
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(laughter)
(musical fan fare)
- Hi, Big Al here.
Oh mad about my bell.
Don't ya like a little tinkle?
(laughter)
Don't you like a big tinkle?
(laughter)
Love it, oh.
- Schneider.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
See ya in the barracks.
- I just found out that when
Warner Brothers makes
the Lawrence Harvey story,
Larry Parks will dub me?
(laughter)
- What you say?
Whoa.
(laughter)
- Ugh, good evening,
I'm Perry Como,
and I owe my presence
here tonight to all the folks
who have complained that
this show moves too fast.
(laughter)
- Now there's some news
for you that we think...
- You know, actually
this is probably the
first time I'll ask you this,
but I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my Aunt once said to me?
- Would it make any
difference if I were to say no?
- Oh, how kind of you to ask.
(laughter)
She was stuck in the
balcony of the Rialto Theater
in Travers City Michigan
with a button hook
salesmen name Mort Viner,
for 45 days watching
old Tony Curtis movies.
(laughter)
- Oh dire circumstance.
- Well I guess what she
what she said when she
came out of that last
Tony Curtis movie.
- How could she have
torn herself away?
- Well it was Mr Cory I think.
- Oh.
- When she came
out, what she said,
(laughter)
oh God, it was funny.
- Well what did she say?
- I'll tell you next season.
(laughter)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Tony.
Everybody else.
(musical fan fare)
(applause)
- If Julie London
married Loyd Bridges,
and she tripped
coming out of the church,
she'd be Julie
London-Bridges falling down.
(laughter)
- Some like it hot,
some like it cold,
some like it in the
pot, some don't.
(laughter)
- Chelsea?
- Yes, Tony?
- If you cross a roller
coaster, a merry go round,
and a tunnel of love,
what would you get?
- I don't know, what?
- You'd get a round
about romance,
that has it's ups and downs.
(laughter)
(groaning)
- Boring.
Hi Allen.
- Oh, you little Dresden Doll.
(laughter)
Do you know that I
used to be a chiropractor?
- No kidding, you're
pulling my leg.
- I'd like too.
(laughter)
- You see that's
a chiropractic joke.
(laughter)
- You know I took my girl
to a horror movie last night.
She screamed 10 times, but
twice on account of the movie.
- Go to your room.
(laughter)
Practice.
- Tony!
- Yes.
- I still can't tell the
difference between
starboard and port.
- Well you
beautiful ding a ling,
you see you just look
at the label on the bottle.
- Oh well.
Chelsea Brown, Chelsea
Brown - Yes Jo Anne.
- Oh there you are.
- Hi.
- Listen darling tell me,
would you take the pill?
- No, to me it's inconceivable.
- I don't' understand that.
(laughter)
- Did you know Humpty
Dumpty had a great fall?
- Yeah, but he had
a lousy summer.
(laughter)
- Tony?
- Yes.
- You've been abroad.
Where's the American
section in Paris?
- The first ten rows
of the Folies Bergère.
- Oh.
- Yes, and I've only been
a broad in Some Like it Hot.
- Oh, you devil.
You devil.
- If a... (giggles)
If Milton Berle... (giggles)
(laughter)
was playing a Scotsman,
and Wilt Chaberlain
borrowed his costume,
he'd be a... (person
speaking in background)
Thank you.
(laughter)
- [Man] One more time.
(laughter)
Come on Goldie.
Come on.
Goldie.
(giggles)
(laughter)
- [Man] Come on Goldie.
Come on.
- Hello.
If Milton Berle was
playing a Scotsman,
- [All] Was playing a Scotsman,
and Wilt Chamberlain,
come on Goldie,
borrowed his costume,
you'd have (all talking
over each other).
(laughter)
(siren wails)
(funky music)
("The Man on the Flying
Trapeze" instrumental)
(laughter)
(musical fan fare)
- Goldie, what happened?
- Well I just washed my ears,
and I can't do a thing with 'em.
(laughter)
Have yourself a Have your Geesh.
(laughter)
- He called.
(laughter)
- That's funny.
(giggles)
- Cooch, cooch, cooch.
(laughter)
You cutie.
- I am Sheikh, Ali Ben Irving.
Like a piece of fruit?
- No tanks.
- Prince of the Sahara.
Lord of the desert.
I cannot give you gold, or
jewels, or riches my love.
But if you ever need sand.
(laughter)
Oh Bertie, you
Brooklyn beauty you.
Tell you what honey,
if you got the sand,
I got the bucket.
(laughter)
- This program was
prerecorded earlier,
since we found it very
difficult to prerecord it later.
(laughter)
- Very interesting.
Not very funny,
but very interesting.
(laughter)
Good night, Lucy.
And good night, Bernie Schwartz.
Where ever you are.
(laughter)
Boy those clothes.
Woo, woo.
(one person clapping)
(high pitched beeps)