Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 24 - Episode #2.24 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The
following program

is brought to you by
in living color om NBC.

- Sammy Davis I just loved
you In The Heat of the Night.

- Oh that was Sidney Poitier.

- Oh of course, I
meant the Dirt Dozen.

- No that was Jim Brown.

- Oh of course I know that.

Really, really what I meant
was The President's Analyst.

- No I'm afraid Goldie, that
was Godfrey Cambridge.

- Oh I'm sorry, you know I think

it's a shame that they let
you people make movies.



(upbeat music)

- Hey what are all these people
doing here in my bedroom?

(jazz singing)

(bass playing)

- Anybody who don't like that
don't like chicken on Sunday.

Do you know the way
to get to Carnegie Hall.

- No I don't boy.

- You crackers.

You jive cap.

(laughing)

- Thank goodness
it's Sunday morning.

And I can get off
this crowded subway

and back to my empty church.

- Yeah well it's going
so bad in this town.



There is not a single place that

an indecent single girl can go.

- You know I'm just
furious these subway mobs

are getting worse and worse.

Now I wasn't in this
condition when I got on.

(laughing)

- Hey you know something baby,

you're a little
taller than I am,

but you sure are
a groovy listener.

(laughing)

- All these bodies crowding
into one small space.

Jammed pressed together.

Hmmm, I'm coming back
tomorrow for seconds.

(laughing)

- [Sammy] Wait a
minute, wait a minute,

just let me get out
with my bass here.

Don't nobody come near me.

- [Woman] But I have
to get to the doctor.

- Anybody want to
join the congregation?

- Come on your honor, court
convenes in three minutes.

(audience applauding)

- And now from
the rice room high

a top the Burbank
Diaper Company,

here at the very bottom of
beautiful downtown Burbank,

NBC proudly presents,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan.

And Dick Martin,

With guest star Sammy Davis Jr.

And Judy Carne.

Arte Johnson.

With Ruth Buzzi.

Henry Gibson.

Goldie Hawn.

Dave Madden.

Alan Sues.

Chelsea Brown.

And Joanne Worley.

Who tonight only will played
by your's truly Gary Owens.

And Morgul the Friendly
Drelb, played tonight by the

vivacious Veronica Lane.

Johnnie will be here in
just one minute but first,

one of our top 40 commercials.

- [Announcer] This
is Samuel Jr. Davis,

the third newest member of

the exclusive
Birmingham Hunt Club.

You seem to have
everything don't you Mr. Davis?

- Well yes I do.

- [Announcer] Did
you ever think that

you might have bad breath too?

- What differences does it make?

(laughing)

In this club who's going
to come near me anyways?

(laughing)

(vibrating toy)

- What's the
matter is LA closed?

And now ladies and gentlemen,

the man who revived
fun in the courtroom.

Laugh-In's own Chief Justice.

The Right Honorable
Samuel Davis Jr.

And here he is now folks.

Mr. Junior.

(audience applauding)

- When the judge looks
mean there's double to pay.

Everybody's going to jail today.

Here come the judge.

Order.

In the court.

Now you have been
accused of swindling a man.

Out of a lot of money by
selling people faulty automobiles.

Now how do you plead?

- Guilty your honor.

- Well in that case, I
sentence you to two years

or 20,000 miles.

Which ever one comes first.

(birds chirping)

(laughing)

- I'm Attila the Hun and

I'm going to put
this Village to torch.

What do you say to that?

- Okay but first maybe you could

start with the airlift quarters?

- Why you always use
silver bullet Lone Ranger?

- Well for one thing it matches
my cufflinks and my spurs.

(laughing)

- And now here again now
the mix double champions,

and Irish nose flute experts,

Dan Rowan and his
lovely wife Dick Martin.

- Well before you know
it, April will be here.

I guess you know
what that means.

- Yep, a new Ms.
April centerfold.

- Dingaling, April is tax time.

Where you add up the score
and see how you've done.

- You mean to tell me
they're taxing that now?

- Hey have you filled
out your form yet?

- Well I cannot
compete with Ms. April.

- I'm talking about
your income tax.

- I'm not going to pay any.

No, this year, no
income tax at all.

Nope

You're not going to
pay any income tax?

- Nope.

- Well do you realize what
would happened if everyone

in this country tried
to do the same thing

that you're trying to do.

What do you think would happen?

- There would be would
be a really brunette

lady in Glendale I tell you.

- Dick what I'm
talking about is taxing.

- Well what I'm talking about

is the most relaxing
thing in the world.

- Let's talk about income.

Talk about dependents.

- Whatever turns you on.

- Now, you know
what a dependent is.

It's that someone who
depends on you for their rent,

their food their clothing.

- Yeah well there is this
brunette lady in Glendale.

- Well for that happy
lady in Glendale

and all of you here's a
Laugh-In salute to taxes.

- She's about this big.

Income tax, income tax

Income tax, income tax

It's beautiful thing.

Income tax is one of the facts

Of life that everyone faces

Sure it's a drag
And sure it's a bore

But who's going to pay for
the weapons and warfare

- If we didn't have income tax,

our boys would have to
pay their own way to Vietnam

(laughing)

- And yeah without income
tax, countries couldn't afford

armies and without
there would be no wars,

and um hey wait a minute,

I think we are on
to something here.

Income tax can bundle your facts

Or cause you
pain in weird places

While it's a gate

America waits, so welcome
then we'll sue your door

- Fortunately the
church is not taxed.

I guess you might say
that is our heaven on earth.

- I think it's every citizens
duty to pay every penny of

its income tax otherwise
when our senators vacation

in Europe, they have to
stay in second rate mo hotels.

- You know what, I never cheated
this much on my income tax.

This much yes.

But this much no!

- See we don't have no problem

about income tax in the ghetto.

The big problem in the
ghetto baby is income.

So let's go on with the show

Off of the dough Taxes are neat

Learn how to cheat
What do we care

Money to spare Don't be a clock

Don't take that deduction

- The government allowed
me $600 on my mother in-law.

If they had played
their cards right

they could have her for $200.

- I tried to convince
the income tax folks

that my entire car
was deductible,

the front part for
business transportation,

the back seat for entertainment.

- I didn't care what
your Funk Wagnalls say,

tax is a four letter word.

- Now Mr. Berkowtiz,

you claimed $6,000
as total income

from a small delicatessen.

Yet under reductions
you list 87 trips to Israel.

Now how do you explain that?

- Well we deliver.

- Uh huh.

- Well sir with a
wife and 12 kids

you have finally
reached the point

where you pay no
income tax at all.

I guess you'll be able to
sleep easier at night eh.

- Listen lady, if I could
sleep easier at night,

I wouldn't have 12
kids in the first place.

Uh huh.

- Now look ma'am,
on your husband's

form he lists you
as a dependent.

And on your form you
list him as a dependent.

You can't do that.

- Well if we can't
depend on each other

who can we depend on?

- Ah huh.

- And now madame now
you list as income from your

business.

And estimated tax of $500.

Is that withholding?

- Well sure.

Now that's with holding,
with hugging, with pinching.

(laughing)

And little snuggling.

- Ah huh.

- I see by your tax
form here that last year

your income last
year was $100,000?

And you list here as a
depreciation for business expense

a 200 inch telescope,
12 one man toboggans.

An gypsy wagon and
a deep sea diving outfit.

Mr. Macdonald, what
kind of business are you in?

- I don't know but
I'm making a fortune.

(laughter)

- Ah huh.

Income tax is one of the facts

Amongst that everyone faces

Federal request,
demanding the worst

Then here comes the state

You shouldn't be late

Or April 15th that's
when all the debts are due

We're in the final curtain

Everything is coming
up social security

Everything is coming
up all that withholding tax

Everything is coming up
three months for me and for you

(audience applauds)

(mumbling)

- Would you like post office?

Would you like to
play spin the bottle?

Would you like to play doctor?

- Well Durk, Dick it's
discovery of the week time.

- Oh you brought
us another piggy uh?

- That's biggy.

- Oh biggy.

- Another biggy and
tonight there are two of them.

- Well I'll drink to that.

- None other than the world
famous Shaughnesy Brothers

featuring songs and witty
sayings from County Cork.

- Don't tell me.

I bet they're Irish.

- You're pretty close.

I think it's time
we introduce them.

- Well it would help if
they new each other.

- And here they are
the sons' of the old sod.

The Shaughnessy Brothers.

(fun upbeat music)

She's the daughter
of Rosie O'Grady

A regular old fashioned girl

- Now.

(cymbal crashes)

I'm glad I call her the
daughter of Rosie O'Grady

(audience applause)

- Oh Morris, did
you hear the one

about the priest and the rabbi?

- What did you say now?

- I said did you hear the one

about the priest and the rabbi?

- I'm afraid you're going to
have to speak up little louder.

- What's the matter
are you deaf?

- No but me docs just
made give up drinking.

And your breathe is
like a breeze in heaven.

(laughing)

- I went to a wake yesterday.

- I thank ya.

- I went to a wake
yesterday where

they had a seven
course Irish meal.

- Ohhh you mean six
mugs of beer and a potato.

- No I mean a six
pack and a watermelon.

- A watermelon.

You drunk Irishmen are a like.

Now sing for me.

Did your mother come from Harlem

- That's Ireland.

- You hit me one more time.

- I'm warning you.

- I'll take it again.

- Go ahead.

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,

Too-ra-loo-ra-li,

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

That's an Irish lullaby

(audience applauding)

- Boy.

- Yes sir what do you think
about the Shaughnessy Brothers?

- Did you say there
from County Cork?

- That's right.

- Well don't look now I think

the skinny one's
cork is a little burned.

(fun upbeat music)

- You seen my wagon?

- I'm Attila the Hun

and I'm going to torture
every man in this village.

What do yo say to that?

- Wouldn't you
know it the first day

I did wear my long
dress with the sequins.

- Babysitter.

- Family jewels.

(laughing)

- Well you better tell the truth
and you better come clean.

'Cause here come the judge
and he look mighty mean.

Here come the judge.

Here come the judge.

Gentleman of the jury.

The defendant has been
charged with stealing a horse.

How do you find him?

- Why don't you try
falling the tracks judge?

(laughter)

(birds chirping)

- Now I think of it if
Goldie had her teeth fixed.

- Well was at Gluck's
hillside I don't see what...

Anne.

Go to my room.

- You can't say that.

Those are the fastest
legs in the world.

- I'm going to let you know more

about that around
about midnight.

- We're taking dancing lessons.

And now folks with tremendous
pride and a great deal

of pleasure that I'm
privilege to announce that

you're about to see
whatever it is that comes next.

Think about it.

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we focus on news

News We have come

To give you our news

Right on (inaudible)

Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news

- [Ladies] Here's Dan.

(audience applauding)

- Japanese goodbye.

- [Ladies] Oh no Sammy,
we said, here's Dan.

- Oh so sorry.

I thought you say, here's tan.

- [Ladies] Like we
say, here's Dan.

(audience applauding)

- Careful.

- And now for the news of
the present here's the man

to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without news.

Here's darkey.

- That's one.

(upbeat music)

- Dateline Moscow.

Recent rumors that Russia
was returning to hard-line

and Stalinist tactics

were nipped in the
bud today when those

who started the rumors
were immediately liquidated.

And all of their relatives
friends and pets sent to Siberia.

Dateline Hollywood.

The three major TV networks

have just announced some
surprises for the fall season.

NBC is planning to
air a series called,

Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf.

Starring Liz and Dick.

CBS is retaliating
with a series starring

Jane Fonda and Roger Vandim

called Who's Afraid
of Liz and Dick.

Meanwhile announced
that they're putting a camera

in the girls' dressing
room of the Pink Pussycat.

And calling the show,

Who's Afraid of NBC and CBS.

You're not Red Buttons are ya?

Take it away Goldie.

- Ta dun.

And now in case of
fire break this glass.

- Goldie.

- What?

- Just read the card not
the sign in the fire alarm.

- And now Dan Rownan is...
- That's fine.

- You're no fun
anymore Danny Boy.

Look alive.

- Paris 1989 Premier
Charles de Gaulle said

he refuses to let Frances
problems scare him

into an early retirement.

Adding that the first hundred
years are always the toughest.

1989 Red China scientists today,

claimed they have
solved the problem

of getting food from the sea.

They say their next challenge is

to get 900 billion Chinamen
to develop a taste for sand.

Think about it.

London 1989, 20 years from
now, trying to raise money from

England, King
Charles today put up

for sale the old
Queen Elizabeth.

Despite the criticism
that no boy should treat

his mother that way.

And now for news in the past,

we reached into the recent past.

Here's Judy.

Hello, This is Judy
Carne in the recent past.

And with me is
General Moshe Dayan.

Shalom General.

- Gesundheit.

- You've made a name for
yourself and your country

when you led the Israeli
army to victory in six days.

- For that I would
like to apologies.

- Apologies?

- Yes I could have
done it a lot sooner.

But For two days I had
the patch on the wrong eye.

- That's two.

- And now just returning from
the wayward girls tug of war

championship in and
feeling a little strung out.

He's the Laugh-In sports report

with that old foul ball himself

Alan Sues, Big Al.

- Joanne you're adorable.

For a fullback you're
really adorable.

Hi, big Al here.

Featurette.

Next week, yours truly
is off to merry England

for the international
cricket match.

But frankly I'm not
looking forward to it.

Who cares about a
bunch of bugs making

noise with furry little legs.

Ugh.

What if I step on one.

Squish.

(bell ringing)

Don't you love me tinkle.

I could tinkle again and again.

That's all.

- And now for for a news extra.

Laugh-In takes him you south of

your border and
beyond your fringe.

All way.

- You my friend.

- Yeah.

- I think we have a big problem.

I tell you something.

Well all of these Hollywood
films that are coming out

like Candy, The Fox, The
Killing of Sister George, you know.

We're in the stag film
business is going broke.

- Si.

- Wait I will show you something

this will come
as a big surprise.

Look at this here.

See what that says?

- No.

- The Swell Fellas Club
of Milwaukee cancelled

eight of our films.

The Businessman Club of Burbank.

Burbank cancelled
12 of our films.

The Polish Falcon.

- The Polish Falcon.

- Cancelled two of our films.

No I beg your pardon, there
are two more rows there,

that is 200s.

We are in a lot of trouble.

- Well what are we going to do?

We have fortune tied up in
mustache and black socks.

- I tell you something
else it's worse than Nazism.

Now we are stuck
with our first foreign film.

You know the title huh?

- Huh?

- [Sammy] Tijuana Whoopey.

- Tijuana Whoopey.

We gotta find a way to
sell it or we wipe it out.

- That's the worst
accent I've ever heard.

My friend I got it for you.

We will sell it to the
California School System.

We will call it a
sex educational film.

- With a title Tijuana Whoopey.

They won't of got that.

- Wait, wait I will come
up with something.

We will call it
Leave It to Beaver.

(laughing)

- It make no difference
we put it on ABC

nobody going to
watch it anyways.

- Wait until you see
my selected shorts.

Blue blue my love is blue

- Well Chelsea your kids are
all going to be black and blue.

- That's three.

- My good friend
Tonto why are you sad?

- Me find out
Khemosabi mean Honky.

Pale face.

- That's four.

- I'm Attila the
Hun and I'm going

to use your living room
to house my 3,000 horses.

What do you say to that?

- Well it doesn't
bother me too much,

but don't tell my wife she
just had the carpets cleaned.

Very nice fur.

- Come on now
ya'll stop playing.

You know you got my wagon.

- Hello I'm your
talking Judy doll.

I was made in Japan.

My sister was made
in West Germany.

And now we're both
made all over the world.

But don't touch
our little bodies.

Or we hit in 28 languages.

- Last photo.

(cheerful music)

- The beautiful butterfly.

- Baby I love you, 'cause
we little people together.

You understand?

And I love the poems.

I got the album.

I went to Music City.

Give me, give me the albums.

But that walk you got
coming out that ain't down Jim.

That ain't making it.

Backup.

Backup.

I'm gonna show you how to do it.

'Cause you're doing hip poems
and you have something to say,

but you gotta swing it
from the time you come out.

Now dig this.

Yeah baby.

Gibson's the name
and poems is my game.

(audience cheering)

- The beautiful butterfly.

- Now, especially for those of

you that don't like this show.

Here's a station break.

Catch.

- Well I figured
what we could do

we' go to Kings Road.

And then we'll go.

Hey brother, that's
the grooviest naturalist

I've ever seen.

- And now for those of you
who have trouble sleeping.

Here's another medley of
our most relaxing commercials.

(hip music)

- So I took out a bunny from

the Playboy Club last night.

And you know it's amazing what

they'll do for for
about 18 carrots.

- We have it bunny
clubs in our country too.

Only we use them to
kill rabbits for dinner.

- Hey Chelsea do you
remember when it was impossible

for a black man to walk
into restaurant in Mississippi

and get a good meal?

- Yeah well you could
walk into one today though.

- Yeah but still can't
get a good meal.

- My sorority took
part in a medical

experiment last semester.

Half the girls took the pill
and the other half left school.

Think about it.

- I'm not a prejudice person,

but I say a negro is still a
negro and jew is still a jew.

But for different reasons.

Think about it.

- You know what?

I've been dating
a baseball player

who's in spring
training and last night.

That little devil sprang at me
from clear across the room.

Think about that one.

- Hey Sandy, you want to
come up to my apartment

and watch a lunar eclipse?

- But that isn't for
three months yet.

- Well we ought to
get there kind of early

so we grab a good seat.

- I'm definitely not interesting

in an operation
to change my sex.

I haven't used the one I've got.

- You know my nephew
foes to college in Texas.

He is now studying under
Lyndon Banes Johnson.

Majoring in deficit ranching.

- Just think Chelsea,
someday we will

all live until we get
to 200 years old.

- Big deal, how
would you like to be

an old lady for 140 years?

- The church preaches,

you should live every
moment like it is your last.

Especially the moment when
we pass the collection plate.

- Hey Goldie did you hear about

the Supreme Court they
banned pornography?

- Oh I didn't even know the
Supreme Court had a band.

- You know there
is only one trouble

with making a lot of money.

You get yourself a big
limousine, a chauffeur.

And then there you are
riding in the backseat again.

(audience applause)

- Now say tuned for NBC's
Monday Night At the Movies.

Dorise and Isabelle Go Bowling.

- Lock the door, hide the key,

the judge is coming
he's coming for thee.

- Order in court, go ahead.

- Your honor, you cannot find
my client guilty for vagrancy.

He was just walking
down the street.

- Well I see, how much
does your client weigh?

- Oh 420 pounds your honor.

- Well in that case,
I find him guilty

of holding a parade
without a permit.

(birds chirping)

- Well by jove I
see it's time for

the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Awards.

- That's right.

- Tell me who get the
Wicked Weenie tonight?

- A New Yorker
named J.L. Sekarey.

Who is a specialist
in public relations.

- Well I'd dare
say he deserves it.

That's terrible having
relations in public.

- No, he did this
for one of his clients.

- Well I hope I
never get that lazy.

- Listen doodoo.

I'm going to read
from a press release

Mr. Sekarey sent out

to the new media
and it's entitled,

Big Market In Law
Enforcement Supplies.

It goes on to tell that
1968 was a big year

for the manufactures
of tear gas etcetera.

And that with increased
civil disturbances 1969

should be even
bigger and better.

- Each of us has their own
dreams and happiness don't we.

What's Mr. Sekarey's
promise for the coming year?

- Oh he's got some goodies.

Let's see, they have gun
that fires wooden bullets.

- Oh that's a good one.

- And an axe that
breaks holes in a door.

And simultaneously floods
the room with tear gas.

- Awwww, I can hardly wait.

- Isn't that neat.

And Mr Sakary you've
promised us so much for 1969.

We've decided to put a
little something in your life

a little lift looks like a
boomer for everybody.

- There you go.

- Tune in next week when
the Flying Fikcle Finger of Fate

or the Giddy Grouper
as our harpist calls it

goes to Geroge Wallace.

- Because I promised my mama.

- Ay you're signalling.

- Ahha yeah.

- I'm Attila the Hun and
we've come to your village

to burn your homes,
slaughter your livestock,

drive your women into slavery
and tie the women to stakes

to starve in the
cruel winter to come.

- What do you say to that?

- Frankly I think
you just gave me

a sudden headache level nine.

(upbeat music)

- Cut.

I didn't tell you to cut yet.

- Thomas what've you done here?

Sawdust us on the floor and all.

- Ohhhhhh.

That's not sawdust

That's just
refurnisher last night.

There was a glorious
fist fight in here.

- Bolt.

- Juju beads.

- And now folks here is
one of this week's funny letter

to Laugh-In sent in
it by Kevin McMillan.

Of Stockton, California.

I got into a little
trouble at camp dad.

- Ho Tonto, smoke any
good smoke signals today?

- Dummy up pale face.

You want to get us both busted?

Ladies and gentlemen
Mr. Steve McQueen.

(motorcycle throttles)

- I missed seeing you
at rehearsal yesterday.

- That's funny cause I
wasn't at rehearsal yesterday.

- Maybe that's why I missed ya.

- I was locked in a hotel
room with 11 beautiful women.

- Well ring my China.

- We were locked in there
for three days and three nights

- You were locked in a
hotel room for three days

and three nights
with 11 beautiful girls.

- Yep we were on jury duty.

- Ohhh, that explains
it, you're doing

your duty as citizen.

It took you three days to
come up with a decision.

- No we agreed right at the top.

- No we stayed in
the room three days.

- What about the
poor guy who's on trial?

- Well let him
get his own girls.

- What was the charge?

- Well I don't think that's
any of your business.

- The charge, the charge.

What was the
defendant charged with?

- Counterfeiting.

- Ah you caught him
printing his own 20's?

- No he made his own eights.

- He was printing
eight dollar bills?

- Yep two years it took anybody

to ever catch him doing it too.

- Hey he must have
been pretty clever.

- Nay he was working
out of Burbank.

- You know I think you
need a little walk in the park.

- Well okay but I'm
not going to hold hands.

- Drat.

(soft music)

- Maybe you'd like to
score some soul food?

Care to listen to
some real funky music?

Care to honor the
14th Amendment?

- Your winsome charms appear

to have made my
dear friend swoon.

You appear to have inflicted
terminal injuries on my body.

You have appear to
have gotten two in a row.

(audience applauds)

- Right this way.

On the stretcher,
on the stretcher.

Right there

Get the bronze beauty here also.

(screaming)

- Are you a dissenter?

- Hmm part German
and part English descent.

- And now folks it's
sock it to me time.

- Judy!

- Sam, Sam,
don't you'll get wet.

- No, no, no turn around,
open up your eyes.

- What, what?

- 'Cause I want to
tell you something.

You're not going to do
sock it to me anymore.

- Really?

- And your not going
to get it socked to ya?

- Is that right?

- I'll tell you why.

Go over there.

It's fine dear.

- Really?

- I think you're going
to like this Judy.

See Sammy thought, instead
of them socking it to you,

we should have a contest
where the viewers send in their

names and the one that gets
picked gets it socked to him.

- Wow that's a smashing idea.

You're alright.

- Here we go round and round.

Huh the winner is Ms.
Eileen Fagencrance

of Las Vegas, Nevada.

- Lucky Ms. Fagencrance
they're going to sock it to you.

Excepting for Ms. Eileen
Fagencrance of Las Vegas,

Nevada is the lovely and
talented Ms. Judy Care.

- Thanks for nothing
Ms. Fagencrance.

- Well I told you not to
say sock it to me anymore.

Now that's five.

- That's funny.

- That's not funny.

- Well that's six,
seven and eight.

Come on Chelsea we're
going to wash this stuff off.

- Mink.

(upbeat music)

- I was in the pub with
Dennis Murphy last night.

And he had 15 drinks and
keeled over flat on his back.

- Well one thing you've
got to say for Dennis,

he knows when he's had enough.

(upbeat music)

- Came about this big.

Got wheels on it.

And it's yellow.

I want my wagon.

(laughing)

Mommy.

- Boob.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Happy old toe, jump and shout,

here come the judge
let it all hangout.

Now I ain't going
to tell y'all no more.

Order in the court.

Yesterday I sentenced
you to 30 days,

for maintaining
a public eye sore.

What is you doing
back in my court?

So early?

- You honor today I'm appealing.

- Oh yeah.

You still look pretty
funky to me baby.

- Shaughnessy what
would you do if you found

me unconscious and
freezing in a snowstorm?

- Well I would call a rabbi.

- Why would you call a rabbi?

- Surely you don't
think I would call a priest

out in weather like that.

(upbeat music)

- Tonight our mod mod
world, takes a look at the future.

- I didn't know that.

- Yes sir man will live
much longer in the future.

It might be a good idea for
you to start thinking right now

what your going to be
doing 100 years from tonight.

- Well I don't know
what I'll be doing,

but I know what
I'll be trying to do.

- 100 years from now
machines will do everything.

- Everything?

- Everything.

- IBM is going to have a baby.

- Well almost everything.

- Well who wants to wait
nine months for a typewriter.

- I don't want to hear about it.

- If I need a typewriter
in a hurry some night,

I'd go to a bar and pick one up.

- This kind of thing just
doesn't seem to thrill you.

- I don't know,
kissing something

that pushing a carriage
really isn't my number.

- But just think
of it for a minute.

Realize you could have
breakfast in Burbank,

lunch on Venus, super on Saturn

and still be home in
time for a night cap.

- That seems like an awfully
long way to go for a martini.

- Martinis, is that all
you ever think about?

- Hey if it's a choice
between a martini

or trying to get a
typewritten taking a ribbon off

I'll take the martini.

- You just can't be
serious can you?

- If you're through
with me I think

I'll go to my dressing room.

- Now what's so important
in your dressing room

right in the middle of the show?

- I got a lady coming
over to do some typing.

- Well you can treat
it lightly if you want to,

but the world of
the future is will be

quite a world to
live in right Chelsea?

- You bet your bippy Dan.

For one thing there
will probably be

a much more liberal
attitude towards sex.

Marriage and divorce.

- Helen, George.

- Oh Ernie, I'm sorry you
had to find out this way.

- You might as well
know the rest Ernie.

Helen and I are in love.

- There will just
have to be a divorce.

- Well alright, if
that's what you want.

But George I thought we
were always so happy together.

(laughing)

(hip rock music)

- Well Mr. President you've
just been inaugurated.

Certainly has been a
big day for your people.

- Yes, it's a great
honor being America's

first Jewish
president all together.

- Hello Chelsea.

You'd think that it is
now the 21st Century,

there wouldn't be any
race problems anymore.

- I know Joanne.

If everybody knew their
place and stayed there,

there wouldn't be
any racial strife.

- You know I just wish
everybody could see it like we do.

Now I show my respect for you

by being polite
and understanding.

- Right, and I show
my respect for your

position by giving
you Thursday's off.

- Thank you Chelsea.

- You're welcome...
- Don't touch me.

(hip rock music)

- Doctors tell us that
the future transplants

will be done differently.

By the year 2000,
doctors will be able

to replace human organs
with mechanical devices.

- Well that completes the
examination Mr. Wiseburgh.

I think I can definitely replace

everything with
mechanical parts.

- Gee I hope it's not
going to cost too much doc.

- Oh no, no more
than it would cost for

the same job on your car,

in fact I can give
an estimate now.

Let's see, surgery
on heart valves,

and plasma for shock
that will come to $400.

That's one valve
drive with shocks.

I can give you a
whole head of hair.

Made of plastic filament.

So that's $800
for new vinyl top.

Would you mind
turning around please.

- Well it's shot.

- What is it?

- The rear fine
muscles well their shot.

- They're all gone.

- They're all gone.

Not there anymore.

- I was so careful those too.

- Galvanized aluminum in your

lower back which comes to $200.

- For a bucket seat.

- Totally that
up, that's $1,400,

you'll be mechanically
perfect from this space

on your trunk to this
space on your trunk.

And for that little bit of money

you must admit that you
will have a lot of trunk space.

- You mean that after
that doc, it's all over,

I'll be just the same as you.

- Well no for that to happen

I would suggest
a few other items.

- Like what?

- Well for one thing,
you're definitely

going to need a new paint job.

(laughing)

The future brings us
Amazing new things

The most wonderful
marvelous things

Oh yeah (audience applauding)

I remember that wonderful year.

1861, that was the
year Abraham Lincoln

thought he freed the slaves.

- I'm Attila the Hun, bring
be wine, women and song.

What do you say to that?

- Listen we don't
have anymore wine,

all the women ran up in
the hills, but how about.

Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Zip-A-Dee-A

- I like it, I like it.

- Go away and take a bath.

(up beat music)

- Elixir.

(up beat music)

- I tell you what.

You give me back my wagon.

I'll show you my bippy.

- Well I guess it's time
to say goodnight Dick.

- Hold it, hold it,
hold the phone.

Fellas hold the phone.

- What's the problem?

- Fun is fun.

You know I love you guys,
we've been friends for years.

But you did promise me that
I could sing one straight song.

- I don't know who would
have could have made

a promise like that Sam.

We don't stop the show
to do production numbers.

I'm sorry.

I mean you know the way we
love those funny songs you sing.

- Now wait...

- Dick, Dan, this song
happens to be in the top ten.

It took me fie years
to get in the top ten.

- Well you got a hit.

- Oh that's different.

- Go ahead and sing it.

- A hit.

- Ian I told you we
would be able to do it.

Play the music.

You'll love this.

- I like it already.

- Swell Sam.

Whether I'm right
or whether I'm wrong

Whether I find a place in
this world or never belong

I gotta be me, I've gotta be me

What else can I be but what I am

- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me.

I want to live,
not merely survive

- I like it a lot Sam.

What a song.

- [Man] One more time.

- I ain't ever doing
this show no more.

- Personally I'd
rather be home playing

with my rubber duck.

- Goodnight Ducky.

- Who's Dick?

- Once again I'm going to try,

next week you see
we have a guest.

- This will really
make you go far.

- Well when you find out
who's on next week you'll...

- Well when you find
out what my aunt said.

- Your aunt?

In trouble again was she?

- In trouble, she was
suspend 5,000 feet

over Beaver Island Michigan.

In a leaky Zeppelin.

This was during the
reunion of 53 randy retired

World War Zeppelin captains.

- I don't know
how I missed that.

- Oh excitement.

- Wow.

When she came
out of that Zeppelin

she was wearing 53
Zeppelin captain's badges.

- [Dan] That's several
Zeppelin captain's badges.

- Well if I tell you
what she said.

Could I tell you?

- I'm hanging by my Zeppelin.

- When she came out
of that Zeppelin she said,

"The only way to fly".

(laughing)

- Say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Zeppelin lovers.

(upbeat music)

- Hey Dan, I spent last summer

in a nice city in Switzerland.

- Oh Geneva?

- No I ain't never
gone near her.

- Oh well was it Bern?

- He almost froze there.

(laughing)

- That's eight a.

- Dick, Dick.

- Yes daisy.

- Do you know it take
11 big fat elephants

to make the ivy keys
to for one tiny piano?

- You know it's
amazing what they

can train a big
fat elephant to do.

- If you're getting
fat take up karate.

You may not loose weight,

but nobody's going to
call you fatso anymore.

- You know Eskimos
have 27 words for snow?

- Well what else do
they have to talk about.

- Goldie do you keep alligators?

- No fatso, I throw them
away when I'm done with them.

- Arte.

- Yes fool.

- I'm looking for a
low priced sculpture.

- Why don't you brother.

I think you need a garbage
collector too while your there.

Oh you finally found a page huh.

- Ruth do you ever
workout with Indian clubs?

- Oh no I try to avoid
the minority group.

- That nine.

- You bet your
booties that nine.

- Hey Alan, didn't I
send you to Cleveland

for a screwdriver?

- Yeah.

- Well where is it?

- Well if you didn't
know where Cleveland

is how am I suppose to know?

- I came back.

- [Woman] I came back.

- And I'm glad he did.

- I came back.

- Arte!

- What?

- Did you know the
congress has appointed

a committee to
investigate crime?

- Whose the head of it?

- I don't know.

That haven't robbed him yet.

- Oh please.

Hey Henry

- Mr. Henry, you
didn't used to roll

your cigarettes so how
come you roll them now huh?

- Well.

- Answer me.

Henry.

- I.

- Henry don't be shy.

- I left my screwdriver
in Cleveland.

(fast fun music)

- You've come too late.

- I see you're wearing
your arrow shirt.

(birds chirping)

Me don't like property Ranger.

- So what do you think?

- Well it's a good act.

Tell me something.

Are you sure your
brother's Irish?

- Watch your language sir.

- I was just wondering.

- We're both Irish and
he's not my brother.

She's my sister.

- Come on Julie.

- This program
was prerecorded so

the cast would have time to fly

to Warsaw before
the Poles close.

- Very integrated.

And mildly amusing too.

If you go for the ethnic humor.

- Very interesting.

But don't you have
a relative living

in Harlem named Roobie Bagonya?

Goodnight Julia, you
little chocolate pussycat.

That is number one.